#119 How to like yourself For the rest of your life

Rachel Denning (00:01.518)
Hey, my friends. Welcome to another episode of the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. I'm taking a little sound risk here. I'm chilling in the hammock right here, lakeside. So there's no telling what noises might happen. I can't record inside of my office because we got some friends over. Our Aussie friends are staying here with their kids, so there's like 13 kids inside. It's awesome.

So yesterday morning at about 3 a .m. my three year old was just screaming out in the night, right? So I hop out of bed and I run in there and she's like, where's Elsa? Where's Elsa? And she was looking for her Elsa doll from, you know, the movie Frozen. And of course she just passed out immediately and was right back to sleep, but I was awake. So I kinda.

Crawl back in the bed, tired, and I'm laying down just about to fall asleep. I'm like, you know what? Let's go, it's go time. Let's go have a fantastic day. So I started the day at three, about 3 .15. We just had a fantastic day. I got tons of study time in and did like four or five coaching sessions. We did our live training for our 28 day challenge in extraordinary family life group coaching, which was super awesome. Talked about energy.

two hours of training on the topic of energy. And it, man, it affects every part of our lives. It was actually really powerful and pretty emotional for a lot of people as we just kind of talked through the reality of when we're low energy, how much it has a negative effect on every part of our life. It was super awesome. If you guys, if you're not in that group, I just got to throw this out, like get in that group. It's such an awesome tribe of people. And we just have these trainings every weekday and then live trainings every month. Anyways, take advantage of that.

But so I hit my morning routine yesterday hard. I put in a long run yesterday and a hard workout. So this morning, and you know, had a great day. Fantastic, right? And then this morning I get up, of course I'm doing cold showers every day. I'm doing intermittent fasting. I'm on top of my game, man. It feels fantastic. So this morning up at five, I don't use an alarm anymore. I just wake up and usually I just kind of set an intention to what time I want to get up and then I just wake up.

Rachel Denning (02:24.621)
So up at five, again, you know, hitting my study time and spending some time with God, praying and spend some time with sacred texts. And I spent some time with Isaiah this morning. I love studying Isaiah. Oh man, I love studying Isaiah. And then I got a hard workout in. Now I was tired from yesterday and I was sore because I put in a hard workout yesterday. And so I went for a bike ride today and then I came back and I did a bunch of boxing bag work.

And in my mind I was like, yeah, maybe this is just enough today. I won't do a, I won't lift weights. And I caught myself, right? Like, no, no, come on. Remember your goals, remember your folks, let's go. So I turn on some music and I went in there. Oh, by the way, I was listening. I listened to an awesome book every time. So when I'm out running or riding my bike or working out, I'm listening to books. So like first, and you guys, this is all happening often before my little kids even wake up. I'm already hitting my priorities. Like,

I already feel productive and effective and I've set the tone for my day. Like this is where, this is where it's so critical that why we have to have morning routines because if we don't automatically set the tone and the feeling and the direction for the day, then we, I think I misspoke there. If we don't deliberately set it, then.

then we get an automatic setting. And the automatic setting isn't always awesome. In fact, many of us wake up and feel kind of blah, and you just have blah days, or the demands of other people, or you're rushing, or you feel behind, and all this stuff, right? But when we deliberately set the tone, the emotion, the energy, the priority for the day, it is so powerful. So I got up this morning, I'm like, no, I'm gonna go hard. So I turn on the music, got a killer workout in. It was awesome.

and I was listening to The Speed of Trust by Stephen M .R. Covey. Really excellent book. And then got a fantastic workout, went up, took a cold shower, right? And the only reason, well, there's two reasons. One, because they're miserable. Even when you're working out hard, a cold shower is just, they're just unpleasant. But it's so good for us, you guys. It is so good for us to do things each day.

Rachel Denning (04:50.061)
that, you know, that are challenging that test us so that you can build up the mental resilience, the mental patterns, the mental stamina, the mental responsiveness to say, no, when I say go, we go, right? That kind of reaction and control, mental control. So I'm getting, I'm getting ready and I'm just, I'm feeling fantastic, right? I'm like, here it is. Like we're just, most people are just getting up and starting their day.

And I've already hit all this amazing stuff and I'm feeling on top of the world. And I realized, and here's my message for all of us.

I realized that one of the most important reasons for a solid morning routine is that you, it makes you feel good about yourself. Right? There's so many benefits, but the main one is like, you feel good about you. You like you. Right? And it's, it's just powerful and important thing.

I don't know that we all kind of give it enough deliberate thought. I know a lot of people struggle liking themselves. They lack self -confidence, they lack self -esteem. There's a lot of people living in perpetual self -loathing. They don't really like themselves, and that's what we're gonna talk about today. But I realized, like, get up, do important things, do meaningful things, do hard things, and one of the greatest rewards is that you like yourself.

And here's what's interesting is like this is this is just feeling so clear to me right now because I've been doing my morning routine for I'd say 23, 24 years.

Rachel Denning (06:43.693)
Before that, I struggled to like myself. I did, I lacked confidence, I lacked self -esteem. I struggle with it. And it wasn't like it, as soon as I started doing morning routines, I started liking myself. But I'm realizing now, that was the beginning of doing things.

Rachel Denning (07:06.893)
consistently and repeatedly that actually facilitate and help you like yourself.

And so I wanted to share that, but then share this whole message of like, how to like yourself more. How to get engaged in things. And it's a practice. Can I say that? It's a practice. Obviously it is a mindset, but it's also a practice. It's also something we do, something we work on, something we live. It's a way of being.

but all of us can be more proactive about it.

And we get into trouble and I come across this a lot, a whole lot you guys, where people, well it's easy to get upset at ourselves, isn't it? It's easy to get upset and easy to kind of self -loathe and not like ourselves. But particularly when we do things that lack meaning.

and they're not fulfilling or we don't feel a sense of purpose connected to them. Isn't that interesting and powerful? Like Victor Frankl talked about that. He says that most of his clients coming in at the time, because he talked about logo therapy, which is meaning therapy, right? He says that most people struggle with this huge sense of meaninglessness of their lives. They lack so much meaning.

Rachel Denning (08:40.749)
And you can even be, I've seen this many times, you can even be in a phenomenal career and earning great money and, and totally lack purpose and meaning in the work you do. Right. In fact, when they, when they evaluate workers and even when they're trying to do incentives for employees and for workers, like a lot of people, they don't even really care about the external rewards as much as they do about the internal motivators, the internal.

meaning and significance. They want to feel like what they do matters. It makes a difference. Like it's important. Like it matters to them. So I just wanted to share some thoughts today and invite you to consider like are there times right now are you struggling to like yourself or are there parts of you that you don't like? Are there areas where you're just like struggling with self -esteem and self -confidence and how to increase that?

right? Because there's ways we can, we can really get into a pattern. Well, we can really get into a pattern of not liking ourselves, but the other side is just equally as true. We can get into a pattern of liking ourselves. And so the first invitation that I want to make to you is do things that are likable.

do things that are likable and likable to you. Now there's a gigantic difference. Like this is, this is huge. There's a gigantic difference between things that are merely pleasurable and things that are meaning.

Right, because it might be pleasurable, it might be, you know, it might feel good or you might like sitting around. But I promise, any of us sits around too much and too long, ugh, it just starts to feel terrible. You know what I'm talking about, right? But we might be like, ugh, I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I just wanna sit here, I just wanna watch TV, I just wanna play games, I just wanna do nothing.

Rachel Denning (10:49.549)
Every once in a while that's okay, right? To just chill and totally relax. But we find that if we're doing things, you know, that feed our laziness, we don't like ourselves. And if we do things, if we're only seeking pleasure and entertainment, we get this real sense of emptiness and even self -loathing.

So it's not when I say things, do things that are likable. Maybe, maybe the better word is respectable and, and that you respect them, right? Because they're, they're honorable. They're classy. They are noble. They're good. And you end up doing the right thing for the right reason. That's how you raise self -liking. And guess what? Automatically other people will like you more as well.

But you have to do that. And when we find ourselves cutting corners, when we find ourselves doing only what's convenient or easy or comfortable, or we do things only because it benefits us, you know what I'm talking about. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Sometimes you'll make decisions and you know, you're like, well, you'll sense it. You know, like we all know this. Like we have this internal compass.

And you'll know like, well, if I do this, it would benefit the group. But if I do this and it just benefits me the most. And sadly, sometimes people make those decisions. They do what's in it for them. But the thing is that just eats us up because it's not likable. You don't like yourself when you do unlikable things like that. So even when you get the benefit, right, you're like, ha, I got this and I came out better. It's going to start eating you away.

from the inside out. So do things that are respectable, that are admirable, that are likable. Do the right thing for the right reason. Spend your time, and I want you to do an evaluation today. So this conversation today is one of these evaluations where we're like, okay, come on, take a solid look at yourself and your life and evaluate what things am I doing that are not very likable? In other words,

Rachel Denning (13:13.613)
Am I doing things that I don't really like about myself? And you have the power to change that, to transform that. Oh man. And when we do, it's, it's amazing. We can literally, you guys, we can change our personalities. We can change our tastes, our desires, the things we like and dislike. I mean, from, from the music we listen to, I remember, I literally remember thinking that, that I was a victim to, that I was a victim to like,

the kind of music I liked. I remember thinking this, right? In my late teens, early twenties thinking, well, I just like that music. I can't change whether I like it or not. And the truth is, of course we can, right? We can change all of our preferences. But you might be watching movies or you might have an addiction or something that you just don't like. You might have some laziness. You might have a certain way that you behave around extended family members or with your family.

Maybe you get really impatient with your kids or with your siblings or your parents. Maybe it's a way with certain coworkers or certain environments. Some of you might be just really unpleasant to be around in certain situations. Like for some people when they go on vacation they're actually really stressed. For others when they're thinking about work they're stressed. Others when they're with family or in the evening you might have a certain time of day that you're...

kind of worst behavior comes out or a certain situation, identify all of that, be really clear about it and aware of it and start making those changes where you're going to be doing more things that are likable, right? And be engaged because it's going to create a tremendous amount of self -respect. And this is what I was feeling this morning, right? With the, with the example of the morning routine is like, I got up and I, I pushed myself really hard when my muscles were sore and I didn't want to, but I,

It was good for me and I did it and I got a great workout in and I felt great because I'm like, I did it and I pushed hard and I took a cold shower, which I didn't want to do, but I did. And it's, it's actually really good for your body. And, and like, I felt good, right? I rack myself because I'm doing things that are solid. So what else can you do? What else, what changes do you need to make? Are there things that you don't like?

Rachel Denning (15:40.301)
that you need to transform? Are there things that you do like or would like that you need to start doing? So I guess another way to say that is like, what do you need to stop doing to like yourself more? And what do you need to start doing to like yourself more? Sometimes we make this a little more complicated than it is. I find most of the time when people struggle with...

really low self -confidence and self -esteem and self -loathing, it's most often after you talk to them for a while and you get in there, it's most often they realize they know they're living below their capabilities. They're regularly doing things that they don't like. They don't like about themselves that they don't respect. They don't find admirable that they really don't want to be doing that. And sometimes it comes out right away. Sometimes it takes a while to come out and then they,

when they're really honest, they're just like, yeah, I do this all the time and I hate that. I hate that about myself. I don't want to be like that. I hear that all the time in coaching sessions. And you guys, these are wonderful people like you. It's great people, all of us. We just slip into these bad habits and these patterns where you're like, I don't want to be that person. I hear that often. I don't want to be that person. The one who, so some examples of,

You have a hot temper and you explode. You yell at your kids or your spouse. You get angry. You don't want to be that person. The guy who's always just grumpy and negative is always something pessimistic to say or just always, you know, having just when you walk in, it's like a dark cloud just came in the room, right? And I know you don't want to be that guy or that girl. That's I know that's not you. That's not you at your best. And you don't want to do that. And I literally hear people say, I hate being that person, right?

And it's not all of you and it's not, you know, you and you're not stuck that way. But I, this, this podcast episode is an invitation to all of us to examine, just honestly be totally honest about where you are. That's the first step to real transformation. You have to be totally honest about where you are. See things as they are. Now don't, don't see them as worse than they are and don't see them as better than they are. Just see them as they are. Be honest with yourself.

Rachel Denning (18:05.965)
Like, yeah, you know what? At work, I'm kind of a jerk. I'm kind of bossy and mean, or I'm always stressed, or I'm always frustrated. Or at home, or maybe it's the opposite. Maybe when you're out at work, you're doing great things, and at home, you're kind of grumpy or honoring, or you're disconnected. Maybe you're more interested in what's going on in social media than you are interested in what your little kids are working on.

So just examine, and this isn't to beat anybody up, it's not to make anybody wrong, it's not to make anybody feel bad, it's just to get really clear about where we are. So okay, like, yeah, I've been, I do some things that I don't like. I don't like that. So if you...

That guy, awesome client, just love him so much. When he gets stressed, he just zones out at home. And he's like, I know I could engage more, but I use my stress as it's a story. He tells himself, right, as an excuse to just watch more and more TV. I don't wanna do that. Another wonderful client that I just love that's just.

You know, works hard all week and then so on Sunday is like, well, I'm just going to take a nap when he knows he knows and he admits it that instead of just taking a super long nap that really doesn't isn't that helpful, he should engage and play some board games with his kids. One of his kids loves playing games, right? So it's it's these simple ways that we can. Like ourselves more because we're doing things that are more likeable, right?

So again, I mean, let's just keep it real super simple. Look at the things that you need to stop doing that you don't like. And then think about, really examine what are some things that are admirable, that are respected? What do you like and admire in other people? And literally write this down. Like take some notes if you can, or just think about it today and write it down, but like be serious about it. Like what are the things that you really admire and respect in other people? What are they?

Rachel Denning (20:15.053)
doing consistently that you're like, Oh, I love that. I want to be like that. I've done that for decades. I still do it. I look at people who are great role models. I'm constantly reading biographies, autobiographies, man, even fictional stories. You read fictional stories and I'm constantly like, okay, I want to, I want to adopt that habit, that mindset, that those actions, those patterns. I want it. I want that to be a part of my life. Right. And then they go my philosophy journal.

If you haven't learned about the philosophy journal, it's like episode 54 and 55, I think. But you just, you build this up. Oh, you guys, I gotta tell you, sorry, a little side note here, I got a geek out about this. I just bought two really nice leather journals from my friend. It's called Nickelby Press. He makes these gorgeous leather journals. I just bought two of them because I have this new idea. It's like a philosophy journal.

but really built around business. Now I include business stuff in my philosophy journal, but I'm gonna do a specific one now just to drill this in. This is gonna be the best of the best all compiled in one place. Basically I'm writing a book for myself and this will get passed down to future generations, but I'm gonna write a book, hand write a book inside this leather, gorgeous leather journal that looks like a leather book.

Because again, this is the key. You get clear about who you want to be. It's like Epictetus said, right? He said, first tell yourself who you'd be and then do what you have to do. That's it. So in that process, you're gonna write that down, you're gonna repeat them. And then of course, repetition is the mother of mastery. And so you just repeat it again and again and again and again. And that's why you do your morning routines. You do them again and again and again. And why you hold yourself accountable.

and you do those things that are likable and respectable and you do them again and again and again until it becomes a pattern, until it becomes a way of being and who you are and then you just feel good about yourself.

Rachel Denning (22:24.429)
So what are the things you admire? Write them down and start practicing them. And be deliberate enough, my friends. Can I, can I push you a little bit here and invite you to take this seriously, take it really seriously, get serious about stuff. If you don't like being out of shape and overweight, change it, change your identity piece, right? And

Get serious about it. Say no more. Like you have the power, every one of you has the power within you to just stop, to be done. Like you can decide right now, I'm never drinking another soda. I'm never drinking another so -called energy drink, because those things are just poison. You can decide not to do sugar anymore. No more refined sugar in your life. Just those little things right there that I just mentioned will just transform your body.

And you can decide not to eat junk food or fast food anymore. No more, done. For the rest of your life, you're like, I just don't do that. Just change your identity. You can make that shift. If you have, you know, if you've had a temper and you scream and yell and get upset and you've been telling yourself these stories, if you've been blaming your past and blaming your parents or making excuses for your circumstances or whatever, you can stop that right now. Just be done. Just decide I'm done. No more. Literally no more, never again. Shift your identity, shift who you are.

and just refuse to do things that you don't like and fully commit your whole soul, your integrity on the line, commit to doing the things you do like that are admirable, that are respectable, that are meaningful. And this is like the most simple formula. I'm not going to go into other aspects of it. I mean, we can talk about, I'm going to build out a whole course actually on the pieces of this whole idea of identity and the way we

see and view ourselves, but just for today, like just a super simple formula, stop doing the things you don't like and begin doing the things you do and then work gradually or some of you need to go gradually. So you just need to go all out gangbusters and just make massive changes. Fill your life with likable things. That was another kind of big thing that just hit me today. My life is absolutely

Rachel Denning (24:50.765)
truck full of likable things. The way I spend my time, the way I think, the way I feel, you know, the work I get to do, my children, my wife, where we live, how we live, who I am, where I'm going, my goals, how I treat other people, my bucket list and the big adventures and plans and all of it. Like we literally...

Good music, good movies, great books. Just laying in this hammock right now on the shore of our lake where there's a soft breeze coming up under the trees here. The kids are swimming in the pool. It's awesome, man! And you can do this, every one of you can do this. You guys, I was homeless at 16 in the most ratchet circumstances. And I didn't like my life and I didn't like myself.

And if I can change, you can change. I promise you, you can literally fill your life with likable things. And again, for emphasis here, I'm gonna repeat it. This isn't pleasurable things. This isn't, you're just doing what you feel like doing all the time. Because people who just do what they feel like doing all the time, they don't really like themselves that much, ultimately. And this is from their own admission, right?

They just lose this sense of purpose and meaning and self -respect. Because they're not doing respectable things, they only do what they feel like doing. They're only entertaining themselves to death. And so it seems fun, it seems so enjoyable, right? But it's empty. And they lack meaning. I mean, Viktor Frankl was spot on with that. If you have not read or reread Man's Search for Meaning recently, man, get into that, it's so good. But fill your life with meaningful things.

challenging things. You will like yourself more when you face challenges. When you do hard stuff, especially if it's good for you and you don't want to do it and you do it anyways, oh man, you will like yourself. It's so awesome. Cause you're like, yeah, I did it. I didn't want to do it and I did it because it needed to be done. Right? So fill your life with likable things and oh man, watch.

Rachel Denning (27:15.917)
Watch how it begins to create a transformation in the way you treat yourself, think about yourself and the way others treat you and think about you and the amount of respect that will rise and the good things will come into your life. I love you guys, right? Just let's like ourselves and let's do likable things and fill our lives with things that are admirable. So you're pushing your limits, you're serving, you're loving, you're helping, you're learning, you're growing, you're making progress. It all just feels fantastic. When...

when we're living up to our own standards. I'm not talking about other people's standards, I'm talking about your own. When we're living up to our own standards, it's a lot easier to like ourselves. So let's get out, let's make it happen my friends. Awesome is always an option. Reach upward.