#103 How to Fill Your Life With Hope and Happiness

Rachel Denning (00:01.07)
Good morning, my friends. Oh, it's another great day to be alive. Welcome to another episode of the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. Today, I want to share a message of hope and happiness. Hope and happiness. And like we're in this time of life right now where it's kind of easy to let those things slip and slide and sneak away.

where we allow ourselves to kind of lose hope and lose happiness. In fact, let me put it this way. It's interesting to think about and to consider like how hopeful are we in general? And are we hopeful only when things are going well and things are working in our favor? Is that when we are hopeful? And then do we lose hope at the first obstacle?

the first bump in the road. So as long as things are going well, right, then we feel hopeful. And I've done this. I know I've caught myself doing this. As long as things are working in my favor, I feel super hopeful and like, yeah, everything's great. This is awesome. And then as soon as things stop working as well as we wanted, like, ugh, and then all of a sudden we immediately lose hope. And I've caught myself doing this before.

And it's really fascinating to me. It's like, wait a minute. I'm hopeful as long as things are working in my favor and then I lose hope as soon as they aren't working in my favor. And it almost seems like, wait a minute, that's the opposite. Aren't we supposed to have hope when things are not working in our favor, when things aren't going like we hoped that we then have hope, right? We stir up the hope. And the same is true with happiness. Are you genuinely happy?

Are you a happy person?

Rachel Denning (02:03.342)
I think many of us get into this state of, this kind of neutral state where we're not happy, we're just not unhappy. Right? So we're kind of in this middle ground.

And today I want to invite and challenge all of us to deliberately, purposefully, intentionally choose hope and happiness. Because it is a choice. Like I believe it was Abraham Lincoln said, people are bound as happy as they make up their minds to be. And I found that to be so true in life.

And that we have this opportunity before all of us, even in, or perhaps especially in times of challenge or crisis or difficulty to be hopeful and to be happy. So I want to, um, share some thoughts in my hands right now. I have a copy of Dante's, um,

The Divine Comedy, got a beautiful leather copy here of it. And I want to share, Encanto 3.

He gets to Inferno, which is hell and he's there with his guide and they see this inscription on the entryway and You know it talks about this is the city of woe and the place the way unto eternal pain and the way among the lost below and Then it says in my translation it says leave ye that enter in all hope

Rachel Denning (04:00.078)
behind. Another translation said, Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. Whoa, what a powerful lesson for all of us. What a great insight that hell is when there's no hope. And so it begs the question, my friends, how many of us are creating our own living hell by not having hope?

By abandoning hope, we create our own living hell.

Whoa. Right, so then he goes in there with his guy. They walk in and he hears the cries. He says, I hear the lamentations and the sighs and the wailings deep. And he says, it's so over, it's so painful and so overpowering. He says, I could not choose but to weep. He's just sobbing by hearing their strange languages and their discoursing horrible and their accents of anger and their histories of woes.

And then he asks, who are these people who seem with grief so overcome?

And his guide explains to them in beautiful poetry that these are the uncommitted. It's the souls of people who in life took no side. They were for neither good nor evil, but instead were merely concerned with themselves. He says here in this line, he says, they were not committed, they were not true to God, but to their own desire.

Rachel Denning (05:50.894)
Whoa, man, great insights here, right? There was a lot of selfishness, which we'll talk about in a minute with happiness, right? It's the opposite of happiness. And then so they were selfish, they were uncommitted. And they had abandoned all hope.

And so I want to invite you today to stir up hope inside of you in a deliberate and purposeful way, because we get to choose our thoughts. Every day we get to choose our thoughts and every day we get to choose our emotions. In fact, one of my coaching clients, so inside our extraordinary family life group coaching, we have these 20 day challenges we do. We just started another one on.

family culture. And, and specifically this month, the family culture of resilience, like fostering and cultivating resilience in our families. And join that if you're if you haven't gotten enough get in on that, please. They're so powerful. These 20 day challenges are transformational. But with the 20 challenge, we invite all of our, our coaching students that are in there to choose an emotion each day. And last week, one of my coaching

clients said I had no idea how much of an impact that would have on my life. To just wake up and consciously choose my emotion for that day. It is so powerful. But if we don't do it, if we're kind of living by this default mode.

then I think we end up kind of in that blah we were talking about, that kind of in -between space where we're not really happy or just, you know, not unhappy either. And we're not really hopeful, but we're not, you know, we haven't given up to despair. We're just kind of in limbo. And we get in this default mode where we're not really happy and we're not really hopeful. And I think more than in any other time,

Rachel Denning (07:58.67)
when we're all in a crisis and in a challenge, let us fill our lives with hope and happiness. Fill your home with hope. And yes, man, things are gonna get better. Things are gonna change. And it's a mark of greatness.

to give hope.

when there's despair.

and to give happiness when there's sorrow and disappointment. In fact, for me, the true definition of success has to include hope and happiness. And it has to be genuine. It's not a facade, it's not an act, it's not something we pretend, it's not a mask we wear, it's for reals. Like really, truly, genuinely happy and hopeful.

And I know, like I mentioned earlier, I've been through hard times, you guys. I've been through some struggles and challenges. And we often will put all these conditions on our happiness and our hope. And yet you and I both know people, we've met people around the world, right? Who don't have the circumstances and the stuff and the things that we tell ourselves, the stories we tell ourselves, like, well, I'll be happy when, or I'll be happy if.

Rachel Denning (09:22.926)
and we set all these conditions on our own happiness. And then we meet people who don't have any of those things and they're so happy. We're like, wait a minute, what's going on? And we realized that it's us. It's the conditions we've put on our hope and happiness. And so we can choose. And I want to encourage all of us to just be genuinely happy. Let me ask you the question of questions I love to ask and think about.

If your life were a silent film, and so you take away all the things we say, if your life were a silent film and all we could see is what you do day in and day out, would it be clearly obvious to those who are watching that you are a happy person?

Could they see your genuine happiness just radiating? Oh, that's a good question and something really powerful to think about and consider.

Is your family a happy family? Is your home a home of hope and happiness? And again, I'm not guilt tripping anybody here. All I'm doing right now is like inviting some awareness of like, you guys, let's be hopeful, let's be happy. Let's start dreaming again. So let me, and I've shared this before. I just want to share it again real quickly. When they started doing brain scanning, they found there was four circuits of happiness in our lives. And these are so...

relevant and important right now. Like so important. The first one is the ability to get into a positive state. That's the first circuit of happiness that they found in the brain. So your brain is literally hardwired. So if we get into a positive state, we get happiness. Well, how do we get into a positive state? Well, it's just allowing yourself to feel positivity, to feel joy, to feel happiness, to get excited about things. And I have trained myself to become I'm very excitable.

Rachel Denning (11:18.734)
Right? I get excited about a lot of stuff and a lot of little things. And why not? Why not? Like consider this question. Why not have literally millions of things in life that make you happy?

Why not do that? When some of you either consciously or unconsciously have limited that number to like three or four things. You're like, no, if these four things happen, then I'll be happy. Otherwise, I'm not going to do it. Right? And it's almost like we have this chip on our shoulder and we savor the misery. And again, my friends, suffering is going to happen to all of us. It's just part of life. There's going to be suffering.

But misery is optional. We can be happy. Let me ask you this question. Is it possible for you to be happy even when things aren't working out very well? Of course it is. It's possible for all of us. Is it possible to be happy even in really difficult trying circumstances and trials? The answer is yes. And we know of people who have done it. They've chosen to be happy.

genuinely happy. Now this isn't I mean, we're not neglecting the the idea and the reality that we're going to fill a full range of emotions. We will. And we'll experience a lot of things. In fact, that's part number two. So the first step is to get into a positive state. The second step or circuit they found happiness circuit is to recover from a negative state. I'll come back to that real quick. But that's the fitting there because we're going to fill all these negative things we have to recover.

But as far as the positive ones go, like get into a positive state, will you, will you practice this and teach it to your children and train yourself and make it part of your family way of life? Just to get really happy about a lot of things. Let the littlest things make you happy from just seeing the sun or clouds. Just stop. If you guys stop and look up at the clouds, clouds are so fascinating or the stars. I got up really early this morning. I went right outside and I just sat in my chair out on my deck.

Rachel Denning (13:30.702)
and it was just super dark and a few birds were starting to chirp and sing. It was amazing. And there's blossoms and leaves. And at the time of this recording, it's springtime. And so everything's coming to life. We planted a whole bunch of vegetables and I love to walk out every morning and just notice the growth in my little vegetables. And I'm like, I geek out over it. It gets so excited, right? And I get excited about the adorable little things.

that our little kids are doing right now. Our daughters are six and three right now, our youngest of seven kids. And it is such a joy. I find so much joy and happiness by watching them. Even my friends, check this out, I've had a major transformation. I want to invite you to, I wish I had known this earlier, so I'm sharing it now.

I even find tremendous joy and happiness when I'm watching them. They make these little messes or they break things. Right. Because now what used to annoy me as a young parent now as an older parent, I'm like, Oh, like I just have this different perspective. And actually I get happiness from watching them do things that used to annoy me. And so I realize, of course, it's just a choice. It's the meaning that I give to it. Now I'm watching them like learn and discover and

try to figure things out and experiment with with their little hands and their little bodies and with liquids and solids and and I mean they're just experiencing life and it's adorable and like yesterday my little three year old she was just she had a fork on her bowl and she was like ding ding ding ding and she was like figuring out sound and she was just doing it I was like watching her just she was fascinated by the sounds I was making and she wanted to go a little harder and boom there went she broke the bowl right.

And she was like, it kind of shocked her. And we didn't say anything. Nobody said anything. Nobody got upset. Like before our bed, like, oh, come on. You can't bang on your balls. Oh, you're breaking our stuff. I just stopped. And she, I just was literally just engaged in watching her realize, oh, if I hit this glass bowl with my metal fork too hard, it'll break. I mean, just, it was amazing. And it like gave me joy to watch her learn.

Rachel Denning (15:56.174)
and just kind of see her, observe how she's just learning and experimenting with life, right? So there's so many things, my friends, that can get us into a happy state if we will let them. And if we choose to like, almost, yeah, allow them or even make them, right? Like in looking at flowers. So I'm looking at these gorgeous, gorgeous flowers right now.

Just from where I'm sitting, I can see some pink ones and some red ones and some white ones. And some deep burgundy ones. And it just brings me joy. And there's these birds hopping around, it's a squirrel. Can you stop and do that? When you see a squirrel, can it make you happy? And again, it's a choice. And why not, my friends? Why not get into a positive state with lots and lots of things?

and let your heart just be overflowing with gratitude and focus on the myriad of little things that can make you happy instead of focusing on that short list of things that are annoying or things you used to count on right now that have been taken away for a time and the frustrations or the irritations. Let's get into a positive state.

Let's get into a positive state. Okay. The second one I mentioned was recovering from a negative state. This is something I had to learn to do because maybe you've experienced this too, where I used to get really, really upset about things. And I know some of you do it because I've talked to you, like you'll get upset. You'll get into a negative state. Someone will make you angry. They'll say something or do something or not say something or not do something. They'll break the rules in your head or some inconvenience will happen or, or who knows? Maybe there'll be some kind of crisis.

that a little virus that goes through the whole world and shuts everything down and destroys the global economy. Right? And things are going to happen in life. There's going to be negative states and things we thought, this was what's fascinating, things we thought were so dependable. Stop.

Rachel Denning (18:15.534)
What a great life lesson for all of us. And now again, we are going to feel a lot of emotions and that's good. Something that are going to make us angry or sad or bitter. And it's good to have a whole range of emotion, but happiness, one of the happiness circuses to be able to recover from a negative state and do it quickly. This is something I've been working on for years.

because I did not want to stay there because I used to get angry about something. I had a raging temper and I get mad and I would stay mad for a long time. And I know some of you will get mad and stay mad for hours or days or weeks. Some of you have probably been holding on to some bitterness, a negative state for months or years. And I know because I've talked to you.

And you haven't recovered from a negative state that you carry with you and you keep stirring up and bringing up and it's robbing you of your happiness.

Rachel Denning (19:19.374)
So I want to invite you to practice, learn how to practice the skillet -y, the skills and abilities, right? The skillet -y's of recovering from a negative state. And right now, oh my goodness, right now there's so much stress and so much pressure and so much strain and so much tension on families and employers and employees and on marriages.

And I'm hearing about it. Couples who've been married for a long time and have had good marriages, they're fighting in ways they've never fought before. And they're feeling pressure and strain and discord right now in ways they've never had before. Same with parenting and same with siblings and people, they just don't know how to process all this and handle what's happening. And so there's all this pressure coming in.

Oh, and you guys, so I was actually this morning, I got up early and I've been preparing. I'm going to make a bunch of videos for this just because it's, it's breaking my heart. And Rachel and I created a course called the extraordinary how to create an extraordinary marriage. And we created a couple of years ago, but it's never been more relevant than right now. Like seriously, it's, it's so important. The same with, with

like we created a course a while ago called how to create a family vision board. That could not be more relevant than right now. Right. And so the crisis, what it's done is it's brought relevance to the top. It's made things more urgent and more important. Right. Than any other time. And so like I'm not this isn't taking advantage of a crisis. It's saying, Hey,

These things we already have these things that families already needed. Now they need them even more, like so much more. And so if you're feeling some strain in your marriage right now, consider getting that course. It walks through the mindset, your mindset and your spouse's mindset walks through emotions or your heart set, right? Which is causing so much. And those things are so strained right now.

Rachel Denning (21:45.518)
So, so strained. It walks through habits, your habits and your marriage habits, your couple habits. It walks through lifestyle, right? And yes, you still have power and control and choice in lifestyle, even right now when things are totally changed and how that's affecting your marriage. And of course, intimacy and all these other pieces of how that's being affected right now with some couples, you're feeling so much stress because of finances.

or uncertainty, or being at home all the time with each other. Or now like, Oh, what do you do with education? What do you do with the kids? What do we do with the schedule? How do we create some stability here? Like all of that stuff, right? And it couldn't be more relevant than right now. Same with that family vision board, right? Of dreaming and talk about having hope again. Like get a hold of that thing. Did I talk about this already? I can't remember. But like we have to

We have to dream. We have to all create a family vision board.

and teach your children how to hope. Oh, I love this stuff. Okay. Um, so first get into a positive state. Second, get out of a negative state, learn how to recover, teach your children how to recover. Very few people know how to do that. Very, very few people know how to do that. It's just not something we're trained to do. And so by default, we just kind of, we kind of pick up what our, what our parents did or what we've seen other people do.

which isn't always healthy. So learn how to recover from a negative state. Third is the ability to focus. When we can focus in on something, it makes us happy. We're literally hardwired to be happy when we can focus on something. And yet interestingly, we live in this time right now where like most people have the attention span of a tweet on Twitter. We have lost that ability and the skill to focus in on things and especially things that matter.

Rachel Denning (23:46.958)
And so we're constantly distracted. We're bombarded with all kinds of notifications and alerts and other people's demands and this endless flow of, like one doctor said, an unending stream of visual trash. And we're here and there and all over the place with a scatterbrain and we're not just zeroing in on this ability to focus and it's robbing us of some of our happiness. So practice this skill of focus. And then the fourth one, of course, is generosity. We are happy when we're generous.

And we can be generous with our time with our thoughts even in our feelings. You may not actually do anything, but just be generous with thoughts and feelings towards others. And that right there can bring you happiness, but trust me, there are so many ways to still be generous and kind and thoughtful to other people, even with the, with the social distancing that's going on. Talk about, what about this? What about writing letters? Let's stir up that old, that old lost art.

Write some letters, write some cards to people. You know how much people cherish a handwritten note? What if just each day, and you could, couldn't you write a little note in 60 seconds or two minutes? What if you spent the first two minutes of each day just jotting down a thoughtful, kind note to someone, a note of appreciation, a note of admiration? Like, that's huge.

That's awesome. And you can do it for your employees, you have free family members, write them each a note, and to your neighbors, whatever I mean, we can reach out. There's so many ways to be creative and thoughtful and helpful. We can smile and compliment and praise. There's so many great things we can do. So my friends, I just, this even went longer than I than I thought I was going to do. I just want to share this message of hope and happiness. Literally, let's let's choose on purpose to fill our lives with hope and happiness. And to move from

Move away from that state of blah, where we're just kind of existing. We're not happy, but we're not miserable, right? We're not hopeful, but we're not in despair. We're just kind of there. And let's do ourselves a huge favor and do our children and our grandchildren and our great grandchildren and future generations come. Let's, let's do all of us a favor and move to the positive side to choose today and each day to be filled with hope and.

Rachel Denning (26:15.245)
happiness and it is a choice and life is so much better, so much richer, so exciting. Life is exciting when we're hopeful and when we're happy. So turn it on my friends, turn it on, turn it up, be hopeful, be happy. Help your children do it, help your homes be filled with this stuff. Grab those courses or resources or trainings if you need. What better time?

I mean, again, all this stuff, the parenting, the marriage, the lifestyle pieces, like the systems, the structures, the schedules, the charts, all that could not be more relevant than right now. And going into the future, because yes, there still are some big unknowns with the coronavirus and with the economy and the way things are going to change for good. There's going to be a new normal. But

in that we have to have hope and happiness and, and make this stuff relevant for our families. So anyways, go after my friends, go after it, make it happen. Be hopeful, be happy. If you're really struggling with this and you're not quite sure what to do, love to help. I'm always here with just get on gregdenning .com, sign up for coaching session. I had two people sign up for coaching sessions today with specific questions about, um,

Well, one was for marriage and family, and another one was for just like personal, what am I gonna work through on my personal stuff? I mean, we do it for health, for fitness, for all of it, like it's awesome. I love this stuff. Like we just all need to be moving forward as fast as we can and as urgently as we can with excitement of like, we're not wasting time, we're not wasting life here. We're like, we're moving forward. So don't let this be a time of just stand still in your life where you're just.

kind of just drifting along, floating, going nowhere, waiting for things to change. Let's get up and create some change and do it with hope and happiness. Love you guys. Reach upper.