#108 The 3 Ways Of Living

Rachel Denning (00:00.91)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. And thank you for wanting to live an extraordinary family life. It's so important. It is so, so important. And you know this already and you think about it all the time. It's kind of awesome people you are. But man, it's, it's, this is life and you get one shot at it. One shot.

And just this morning, my wife and I were sitting around the table with all of our children and she recounted the story of her father passing away of colon cancer at the age of 47. And we sat there and talked for a long time and the kids were very interested and asked a lot of questions and there, it was a beautiful feeling and just a sobering reminder that this is our shot. This is our shot at life. And this is your life. This is your story.

of living your life right now, whatever phase you're in, this is your chapter. And you gotta make it count. And we all ought to be striving to live an extraordinary family life. And so today, oh man, I hope you're excited. I'm so excited. I've been thinking about this for a very long time. I've been preparing, I got books here in front of me, I got notes. I wanna make this really special. Life changing even. I hope this episode is life changing for you.

As it has been for me in thinking through it and preparing for it and just the realization if if only the idea the the awareness of what we're going to talk about Just kind of takes a spot in your mind in your heart I think it'll be powerful enough to shift the direction and course of your life and help you level up and live more With more awareness and more intentionality. I love this stuff. I love it. So we're going to talk about

the three ways of living. I think we can kind of put us into three paths, we could say. I don't even know if path is an adequate word, but it's because it incorporates a mindset and a heart said feeling a way of being and it grabs all of our habits and attitudes and the way we do life. I think there's just kind of three ways to do life. And what's really interesting about this is it can kind of just piece together. It's not just clear cut.

Rachel Denning (02:22.221)
one, two or three and you're, you're only in one way and you stay that way or you're only in one way, you can shift. There's this mixing and mingling. Now it's possible for someone to spend their entire lifetime in one of these, or it's also possible just to spend the morning there or an afternoon. And so you can switch back and forth. I think most of you will experience days or weeks.

of all three of them, but I think predominantly one of them will consume the majority of your life. And if that settles in, man, there's really only one that you want, that any of us want to be the consuming part of our life, the predominant major way we do life. So here we go, ready? Three ways of living. Number one is trap.

Number two is transactional and number three is transformational. Trapped, transactional and transformational. Now I know some of you are listening to this while you're running or exercising or washing the dishes or driving, but if you're in a place where you can take some notes, I would invite you to do that. As you're going along, if something strikes you, just kind of jot this down and...

If you're driving pullover or if you're running, stop and catch a note on your phone or something, but capture some of these ideas. I wanted to really hit home and you could actually make a list on paper and I've done this. I've got it right here in front of me where you do three columns and you specifically write out how each of these is taking place specifically for you in your life.

And the more specific you make it to you, the more awareness you'll have around, oh yeah, yeah, that little thing I think, that little thing I do, that's very much in a caged way of living. In the other, oh, very, well, trapped, right, the trapped way of living, or the transactional way of living, or the transformational way of living, right? So here we go. We begin with each one. Oh, let me give a kind of a brief overview real quick. So trapped, of course, it's.

Rachel Denning (04:45.293)
you're trapped. You feel like you're in a cage, you're in a prison, you feel stuck. Transactional is the word, you've heard me talk about this before, I love to make the comparison between something that's transactional, you're just going through the transactions of it, you're going through the motions, versus transformational. Transformational is life changing, it's powerful, it's engaged. So transactional life is just kind of getting things done. It's doing what needs to be done, it's good.

But it's not great. It's not extraordinary. And the transformation, of course, is the extraordinary family life. It's living where you are fully present in the moment and aiming towards unbelievable life experiences and having impact in the world and living the life that you were born to live. You're singing your song, engage with family and friends and the world. It's just awesome. So those are the three areas. We're going to dive in and I want to

give you the characteristics in the sense here and I think you'll be blown away like I was and others I've taught this to like they are of like how this kind of fits into your life and you start realizing it basically this gives you a framework to identify and recognize some of the things we all do and go oh man that's really that's really a trapped mentality or trapped way of living or wow this part of my life I wasn't even I didn't even realize it till right now.

has been super transactional. And then other parts would be like, wow, yeah, I'm doing it. That's transformational. That piece is transformational for me. And the goal is, of course, now hearing those names, we all want to move almost, well, as absolutely much as possible away from trapped and transactional and get into the transformational way of living. So here we go.

I'm going to go through kind of each one as thoroughly as I can and then I'll touch on certain aspects of life and maybe give some descriptions of how each one thinks, each area of those things. So here we go, trapped. People who are living trapped lives are always blaming themselves and always blaming...

Rachel Denning (07:00.653)
their circumstances, they're blaming other people. It's an endless blame game. And they often slip into playing the victim. Again, I was the president, I was the king, I was the ruler in victimville. I've been there. And I literally remember thinking and believing wholeheartedly this is just the way things are. It's definitely...

that person's fault that my life is the way it is. And I remember feeling like a victim. I mean, wholeheartedly believing it. It wasn't like, you know, I'm going to choose to play the victim here. I could do something, but I'm not going to. It wasn't. I just didn't know. It was outside of my reality. I just wholeheartedly believed it's this circumstance's fault, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's out of my power. And that's a very trapped life, right?

They believe I can't actually do things that they want to do because of circumstance, right? Blame it on the circumstance. So just like I was saying, it's this deep belief and overpowering belief that, well, I can't do the things I want because my circumstances don't allow it. And man, I'll pause here throughout a loft and just to drive home points. What little areas of your life have you been just blaming your circumstances?

You've been telling yourself the story of you can't change, you can't do anything about it because of XYZ. One of the most powerful things for me is finding out, learning, meeting people who in spite of unbelievable circumstances are still leading their lives. Whether they've lost limbs or become handicapped, accidents or born with birth defects or...

lost everything, complete bankruptcy or literally fleeing from their lives, from other countries, from terrorism or genocide or whatever, right? And then they overcome the most unbelievable circumstances and you stop and go, hmm, what's my excuse? Like suddenly my circumstances don't seem to be stopping me anymore, right? It's that powerful play. But in the trapped life, that's where we think.

Rachel Denning (09:25.325)
We often are saying things like, I can't afford it. Right? That's just, that's it. That's a statement with finality in a trapped life. I can't afford it. The question of how could I afford that never even comes up. In the trapped life, it's just one and done. I can't afford it. They give up on improvements in their self and their life.

fleeting moments, basically the exchange rate I talk about, everything has an exchange rate. And they're exchanging opportunity for improvement in themselves or in their life for fleeting moments with vices and addictions.

Right, and so in the trapped life, any opportunity to make an improvement to life or self is quickly brushed aside with fleeting moments. And why do I call them fleeting moments? Because any time spent with vices and addiction is just a fleeting moment, you know. It's gonna change your life for a minute or two. You're gonna get hit with all these, all these dopamines and all this goodness and all this fun for a few minutes. And that's true with any kind of...

substance abuse or any kind of screen addiction, anything. It's just, it's easy fleeting moments. And so we literally in the trapped life, we literally trade our chance for improvement for the living, the life we really want to for the cage and the trap of vices and addiction. The person living a trapped life begins to believe that they are a bad person, that they're not.

Worthy right so a lot of a lot of negative self -talk and tearing themselves down Anytime they make a mistake or or anytime they make an assessment of their life They really just say I'm not worthy. I don't deserve it. They really beat themselves up. They're mean mean to themselves pretty harsh on themselves and They waste a lot of time

Rachel Denning (11:43.053)
and a lot of money on superficial, frivolous things, frothy things. They just, there's no real substance. So they're spending their life and their time in that area. They, they often beat themselves up or have a lot of negative self -talk in the trapped life. And so actually becoming trapped to their own psychology and their own endophagia, which is their self -talk. Right. And so there's just, um,

They're just stuck there mentally. And they, one of the, one of the big things they get stuck in and trapped in is fear. They're very afraid of anything of change. They're afraid of the unknown. They're afraid of breaking out of any kind of boundaries. They're hyper sensitive and concerned about what other people think. They're always trying to get approval. They have very limiting beliefs about their own potential.

or what's possible for them. And I remember living like this, literally thinking, oh, those people are so lucky. I never thought, huh, I wonder if I could do that or how I could do that. I just thought, man, they're lucky. And I just went on. It never occurred to me that there was the slightest possibility for me to live a better life. It was just like, yeah, that's the way things are. They're over there, I'm over here. And I didn't have anyone mentoring or coaching me saying,

Well, you can get over there. You just got to follow this path. I was just like, man, they're lucky. My life sucks. Then I went. And so I stayed in this little, this tight, refined space, a cage really. I saw this image one time and I saw it once and I tried to find it again. I could not find it. It's just beautiful drawing somebody made sitting in a cage. And it kind of looked like a big bird cage. I was a person sitting in a cage and the door was actually open.

on the backside, but they were facing the bars. And so we're sitting in cages with the doors wide open. And those bars are the expectations of other people. It's the bars are thoughts and feelings and habits and actions that are restricted and confining. It's the opinions of others that create those bars. It's just being.

Rachel Denning (14:08.141)
with social conditioning and the expectations of others. It's fear of making any changes even to our routines or our friend groups. Sometimes we become trapped by people we know are toxic or aren't helping us and we just kind of get stuck. So people will get stuck and caged in social circles.

or even geographic locations. You've met people like that. Maybe you've experienced it where you're living in a certain area and everyone in that area thinks that way, acts that way, and some people never leave. Anyone who wants out kind of gets ridiculed and you kind of feel stuck, right? And these bars of approval, right? Or whatever they are. In the trapped life,

We are constantly living with regret in the past, either regret or the glory days, right? From uncle Rico from hilarious crazy show Napoleon dynamite. You're trapped in the past. You're always living in the past of the glory days. Oh, so awesome back then or, Oh, terrible, terrible living in regret. Or you're trapped ironically in the future. And usually it's

these really crazy daydreams or whatever like, oh, my ship's gonna come in, my night on Shining Armor, someone's gonna come save me, right? So not real solid thinking about the future, just kind of dreamy, irrational thinking about the future. And that's actually, ironically, that's victim mode, thinking something's gonna save you, like somebody's gonna knock on your door and hand you a million dollars. Or again, the phrase is we use, the ship's gonna come in. Somewhere out of...

out of nowhere, someone's going to come in and change my life for me. You're going to rescue me from myself and fix everything. And that's the kind of the victim dreaming. So even when you do someone who's literally trapped life, like, Hey, when I dream about the future, they dream about somebody saving them, like rescuing them instead of dreaming about ways they can make the changes. And

Rachel Denning (16:25.933)
They live in fear of the future, right, which is usually anxiety is fear in the future. And so a lot of people, trapped people are living in the past or in the future, but rarely in the present moment. And if it's in the present moment, ironically, they're giving up what they want most for what they want in the moment, very momentary pleasures. And so instead of being wholly present, really, they're loving it.

It's momentary. I just don't feel like it. And it's self -sabotage in the moment. They are definitely in survival mode all the time. And the questions that they ask themselves in the trapped way of living. Again, the questions, the predominant questions that spread across each of these ways of living are super important. It's not so much even the answers, although those matter. It's the questions we're asking ourselves.

And people in each mode of living are asking very different questions. For example, somebody in trapped lives asking, how can I get through the day? Why is my life so terrible? Not why like, hey, what's off here that I can change? And what am I doing that I can do differently to get out of this? It's just like, why me? Why am I being picked on? You know, am I even going to survive this? How can I just get through this week? How can I get to -

to the weekend, right? Because very in the trapped life, we have very short term thinking. Most. This is interesting. Most of the people I meet really struggle. Not most, I would say, but a majority struggle thinking long term. It's just not something they've learned how to do or have practiced. And most people can't see past the weekend. If you ever hear them talking about it, they're talking about Friday. Oh, if I can just get through this week, right?

They live very short -sighted lives. They have very little direction in a trapped life. They have very little direction. They often feel confused. They're not, well, I'm going to try this. Or I'm going to do that. And they kind of talk about it. But they don't have a real direction of their life. And where you can see them over weeks, months, or years, watch them moving in that direction. They just kind of stay stagnant. Like I mentioned before, very much in survival mode all the time.

Rachel Denning (18:48.077)
usually totally unconscious and unaware of their thoughts and their feelings and their actions creating their outcomes. It's quite unconscious behavior, thoughtless behavior, just going on, just repeat mode, just doing the same thing again and again and again and quite unaware of it. Interesting little piece here, I gotta throw this in. It's gonna kind of stand out to you, I hope.

When you're living a trapped life, you don't outsource anything. You don't really get help. And there's a fear. Well, you just can't. You can't outsource. And we'll get, I'll come back to it later with the other types of life. If we're gonna be successful, my friends, we can't do everything by ourselves. And it's actually broken thinking to think we can. That it's some heroic journey to do everything by ourselves. It's crazy.

To think like that, you can't, we can't do all the things that need to get done. We can't do it by ourselves. We need a lot of help to get through life successfully and well. In the trapped life, you just can't, it never comes out. You don't think about it. They're just, they're not in a place to outsource and get help. And we'll get to transactional how it's kind of a similar problem, but with a different reason and motive. In both trapped and transactional.

They blow a lot of money on, again, like I said, frivolous, frothy transactional stuff, right? For example, they might spend an inordinate amount of money on coffee and tobacco or alcohol or other people endlessly consuming the equivalent of those things in junk food, just tons of soda and donuts and just junk, right?

So their money's just going all time. It's just hitting their mouth, getting a sugar hit. And you've heard me in previous episodes talk about what effect that's literally having on our body and our brains now. The science is revealing all that. They also spend unbelievable amounts of time. And I'm kind of giggling because I'm like, when you look at the numbers, you're like, seriously? How is that even possible? Like, the TV is on for seven hours.

Rachel Denning (21:12.781)
in the average American home. This is crazy. The this was a study done last year, they found that teenagers spend about nine hours a day looking at a screen. Nine hours a day for most boys, that was kind of video games for most girls, it was social media. I'm just like, it's not funny. It's tragedy. But in my mind, I'm like,

What? How does that even happen? Like, there's so many great things in life, like ain't nobody got time for that! But they spend insane amounts of time and money on entertainment. And then, ironically and hilariously and tragically...

in the trapped life after spending all that time and money on wasteful things, they literally tell themselves and others, I don't have time or money for this other stuff. When you talk about goals or dreams or opportunities, they're like, no, I just don't have time and I don't have money. And yet, ironically, they're spending insane amounts of money and time on entertainment and superficial stuff. Now, hopefully this is hitting home for all of us, myself included.

because you think, oh man, yes, some of my things are quite trapped living, right? And you're going to catch yourself, I hope, as you're listening to this, go, oh man, I actually do that. And if you don't aware, here's another thing about being trapped, there's no awareness, then they're not keeping a budget. They couldn't sit down right now and I say, hey, show me your budget for the last three months. And they're like, yeah, I got it right here, and they pull it up.

And you just do quick calculations and you're like, wow, you're spending $450 a month on junk food, on soda, on cigarettes, on coffee. And you're like, yeah, things are tight. I just can't do it. I can't do whatever. I can't go on that trip. I can't donate to this humanitarian organization. I can't get the books or the courses or the coaching I need. I just don't have the money.

Rachel Denning (23:18.893)
You're like, wait a minute, here's 450 bucks a month that you religiously spend at the gas station on junk. What do you mean you don't have the money? But they're usually not aware of that either. That's why we get trapped. They're not aware of how they're allocating their time. And they're also not aware of how they're allocating, well, how they're eating. So they're not tracking, they're not tracking what they eat, right? So they don't know. And usually when I sit down to coach with somebody, I'm like, hey, what are you eating? I don't know.

And they think like, I just eat this little bit of that. I'm like, okay, let's actually track it right down every single thing you eat. And they come back like, whoa, I didn't realize I'm going for a snack every 15 minutes. And it's usually like cookies and brownies and muffins, right? So they lack awareness. In the trapped life, people who are living the trapped life, they lack awareness and tracking and measuring and monitoring where's the money going? Where's my time going? That's another thing. Track your time.

If you're concerned that you're living a trapped life in something, or in fact for all of this, just do it. Just track next week. Just track everything you eat. Track everything you do with your time. And I know, I mean, just do it quickly so it's not time consuming here. But just really briefly, just open a document on your phone or something. Just real fast jot down everything you eat that week, what you do with your time that week. Just kind of chart it. And then where does your money go? And I think it'll be extremely revealing for all of you to go because we don't think...

we're spending that much time. There's no way we sit down. No, I'm not doing that. But when I stopped down and I push, I started pushing when I'm doing coaching, right? And I'm like, Hey, let's really get clear about this because you're trapped. Most of the time I work with some of the best people. I'm coaching some of you. I get to coach amazing people, super great people. But when I get, when I get real in there, because usually it's, there's a pain point of like, I just want to level up. I feel stuck here. And when we start talking about the area where they're stuck, whether they want to lose weight or

Get better control of their finances or their time or they want to be more efficient more effective. They want to chase down some dream The first thing we do is like let's get really clear about this and they often don't realize like whoa, I I Never would have thought I was actually spending that much time Watching TV people are usually blown away. We do that one. I said no like how much how much watching they're like, no No, I watch a movie here and there. I'm like, we'll track it and they come back like oh

Rachel Denning (25:44.653)
man, I've been watching a movie every night before bed. I'm like, okay, whoo -hoo -hoo -hoo. We're talking, let's say you can watch an episode, let's say a 60 minute episode every night, right? 60 minutes every night. And sometimes it's little YouTube videos or memes or funny things or scrolling, sometimes it's an episode from Netflix or something, right?

Yes, 60 minutes a night over a year is the equivalent of 44 eight hour work days. That's two full working months.

Let that slip in there, right? Let that sink in. It's just 60 minutes in a day, whether it's just idle chit chat or just wasting time scrolling, watching videos, whatever. 44 eight -hour workdays in a year. How much you think you could get done with that? Whoa, right? But the trapped life, they're not aware of that. It's just kind of going along. Interesting little insight here.

people living the trap life, they do a lot of shopping for dude ads and just stuff, things that really don't matter, don't make a difference, don't move the needle, don't really increase the quality of life. They shop a lot of gas stations, right, where they're paying way too much for far too little. They're picking up all these ads and they're just buying just stuff all the time that really doesn't matter. They're shopping in all the little kiosks in the mall and they're just constantly paying full price for everything. But for things that...

really genuinely are not adding value to their life. Interestingly, manufacturers of trash food and trash entertainment aim at this demographic of people and they strategically prey on human psychology to do it. Like fascinating stuff. And this isn't, again, a lot of us, you know, think people are making less money.

Rachel Denning (27:53.677)
are definitely in a trapped life sometimes, but it's not always income dependent. There are people who earn great salaries and they blow it. They blow it all in a trapped living. Usually people in a trapped life, they experience a lot of mental fog. There's going to be some crossover here. Some of these things I'm saying are kind of crossing over in between trapped and transactional. This happens in both places. A lot of mental fog and confusion.

They're just confused about life and who they are and what they want to do and what they should do. Just a lot of mental fog there. It's just cloudy and they really lack clarity. Both places, transactional and trapped, constantly talking. Well, more so, well, it happens in both areas. They're just constantly talking.

Just kind of empty words, they're giving a lot of lip service to making changes or, oh, that'll be great when, or, oh, that would be awesome if, or, you know, just kind of this talk, talk, talk, like, oh yeah, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do that, yeah, whatever, I'm gonna, you know, these things. And you've heard it, you've heard them talk, and maybe you've done it. You just talked and talked and talked. But literally no progress, no movement, no results. Just lots of talk and then lots of excuses. Lots of talks, lots of excuses. They're constantly revisiting ideas and things they could do.

but they rarely experience real results. And then here switching down to transactional especially, the mind is endlessly occupied with the transactions of life. Let that one hit home a little bit. Their mind is endlessly occupied, so almost constantly filled with the transactions of life. That's what they're thinking about. They think about...

just all the transactions. So they're not thinking about how can I improve, how can I change, how can I be more influential, how can I be more in control of my life, how can I have more energy, how can I improve my circumstances and situations, how can I serve more, how can I be more impactful, what difference can I make, how can I be more creative.

Rachel Denning (30:11.565)
They rarely go into those phases and areas of thinking because their mind is endlessly occupied with the transactions of life. From first thing in the morning, they get up and they just start thinking about the things they have to do. Okay, I gotta get ready. And then I gotta run this here and then I gotta take care of a thing and I gotta do that thing and this thing and that thing. And then, ugh, blah, blah. And they just, it's all transaction, right? Where, I'm gonna jump ahead real quick here.

Just quick contrast, a transformational life, the first thing they get up, they do in the morning is they power up. They clear their minds and focus on who they want to be, how they're going to treat others, the principles and practices that govern their life. They're leveling up first thing they get up and they focused on improvement. They're meditating, praying, writing, reading, doing like big work, deep work.

they're hitting their priorities first, before literally, they have rules in place that literally prevent them from thinking about the transactions of the day until they've done their deep work first. So just want to jump ahead of contrast there. The transactional life is all about comfort. Ready? Okay, now we're switching to transactional. So if you're taking notes here is second column. And again, my invitation to you is

Go through this carefully and write notes for you specifically. So all the things we just talked about, what are the very specifics for you? For you, you might realize, oh man, I get on this specific social media. Maybe you get on TikTok and you just spend, you're on there 45 minutes every evening in TikTok. Or maybe the first thing you do, you wake up and you grab your phone and start scrolling. Or you grab your phone and check the news, right?

That's a trapped life. Endlessly consuming news is a trapped life because the news just feed you fear and just telling you all the fearful things of other people's lives. And people check it first thing in the morning and last thing at night. And so they're filling their minds with fear and these other ideas and they're letting other people consume their and control and direct their thoughts, right? So I want you to look at the very specific things. For you, it might be pop darts or it might be Orioles.

Rachel Denning (32:37.165)
Or I don't die a Dr. Pepper. I don't know what's the specific for you that is keeping you trapped in any area and aspect of your life. What way are you trapped? It might be something you do in your marriage, this attitude or perspective or mindset or heart that you have towards your spouse. That might be keeping you trapped and you just held on to it for years and you know it's unhealthy and you know you're feeling trapped or maybe you're just recognizing it right now. It might be something you do with parenting. It might be something.

to do with your spiritual journey, whatever, just find like, what, whoa, like what is it specifically for me where I'm staying trapped, I'm playing the victim or just doing those patterns or habits of being trapped. Next, so, transaction, right? The transactional life is all about comfort, absolute total focus on comfort, on convenience, on the supposed security and safety.

which is really an illusion. I call it supposed because safety and security guys is an illusion. It's a story we tell ourselves. And this is where most people will dwell. This is where they'll spend their lives in this transactional space. They live good lives, right? But really, folks, especially today, we're so affluent. Our lives are so good and so safe. Ironically, we live in unbelievable fear in the safest time for most of us in the history of the world.

And they're so comfortable. We were constantly obsessed, obsessed with safety, security, comfort and convenience. Which ironically, we're wired, we are hardwired for novelty for newness for challenge. We feel happy and fulfilled and alive when we're experiencing new and unknown and spontaneous and different and challenging things that makes us feel alive.

But most of us right now are obsessed with having things orderly and neat, nice and convenient and just like we want them. And so of course, in one of the greatest times in the history of the earth, where we have all this supposed safety and security convenience and comfort, we're miserable.

Rachel Denning (34:56.685)
miserable. Look at all the charts. I mean, just the graphs of, of unhappiness and lack of fulfillment and meaning and purpose and stimulation. I mean, it's off the charts. We live in this incredible time. Helen Keller said security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it.

avoiding dangers no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. There's a little teaser there for the transformational life. It's very adventurous, my friends, where the transactional life is very... Again, I'm going to keep repeating this. As long as we talk about transaction, I'm going to talk about being obsessed with safety, security, comfort and convenience.

Rachel Denning (35:56.589)
Interestingly here on this one, they're, um, focused on the, again, the questions they ask themselves are what will others think of me? How do I fit in? Will about, will I be accepted? Will I be seen as successful? Right. What will others think of me? They often think, um, about themselves. They often think they're not good enough.

They also can't really do the things they want or would like to because not because they don't have the resources but because they are continually training what they want most for what they want in the moment in the form of comfort and convenience.

So they're taking their resources, well, let me add this, comfort, convenience, and social competition, making sure they appear successful or they kind of fit in. So they're spending usually lots of money on comfort, convenience, and social competition. Social competition is like, well, the neighbors have this, I better get that. Or I'm going to get this so my friends think I'm this way. I'm definitely not going to.

I'm not going to drive whatever this or use that or whatever. You get what I'm saying. They're very conscious of that. And it's not that they can't afford transformational experiences. It's that they won't. They're literally trading their resources for those things. Additionally, they choose the, quote, safer experiences instead of a transformational experience. So when something does come up, an opportunity to take a...

say take a trip instead of you know chasing down that dream experience they've they've dreamt of of going to see the church of Saint George in Ethiopia that was carved out of stone in the shape of a cross epic bucket list instead of going to Petra.

Rachel Denning (38:18.925)
They're like, ah.

take the kids to Disney World and and they go with the safer right what's more comfortable what's more what's more familiar and so again even when they have the opportunity they keep it more in the transactional. Now I don't want to be misunderstood here there's there's a time to

to go to the beach with your kids and go back to that cabin you're familiar with. And you can make that moment transformational. You can be fully present. You can make dinner tonight transformational. So don't get me wrong that it has to be like around the world, although I hope you all will do that. Because there's experiences you'll have that will transform you and your children and your life that can only be had out there. And will not, they just can't.

There's certain things that cannot happen as long as you stay within the confines of your little cage and your little safety net and your bubble. If you have to stay where it's familiar and comfortable and convenient, there are things you will miss out on. It'll always be transactional, where it could be transformational. But then again, let me emphasize this, tomorrow morning could be transformational for you and for your family.

So we can make these moments transformational powerful. But we can also have some big epic ones. Can I just throw a little teaser here? I think you and your spouse should do an overnighter or a getaway to a new place every 90 days. Doesn't have to be extravagant or expensive, but do it every 90 days. And if you're tight on the budget, go camping in a new place. Just buy a cheap tent on Facebook Marketplace and go camp in a different spot. It's cheap. Just go somewhere new.

Rachel Denning (40:16.877)
And you should do it with your family every 90 days too. So every 90 days you get away with your spouse and you get away with your family. This is an ideal I'm holding up here. Now, if you're going, that'll never happen. I can't do it. Can't afford it. Not gonna. Like catch yourself right there. When somebody offers a suggestion, an idea or something, catch yourself. My old self would have said, that'll never happen. I gotta work. I can't afford that. Now you say, wait a minute. No, I can take a day off here. We can save. We can get some points here. And I can.

Oh, we can cancel the cable and that's wasting away our life. Take that money and pay for a hotel. Or whatever you gotta do, shift things around.

Right? Shift things around so that you create the life you want. And that's the piece we'll get to and we're getting to in the transactional versus transformational. All right, where was I? Oh, constantly trading what they want most for comfort and convenience. They can't afford, they go to the safer experiences. Okay, here, remember the outsourcing piece I mentioned earlier? Transactional people usually, people living the transactional life, they won't outsource things.

They can, but they won't, mostly because of this all -consuming...

Wait a minute, I can't even read my notes here. Because of an all -consuming concern.

Rachel Denning (41:47.501)
for false social ideas and the judgments of others. I've heard that so many times when they're like, ah, I can't do all these things I want. I can't focus on transformational things because I'm taking care of all the transactional things. And I say, well, hire some help. And they're like, no, like what would other people think? My mom would just be so upset that I hired someone to mow the lawn.

You know, there's this false idea that we should be able to do everything. That we should be somehow super humans and be able to take care of everything. The truth is anyone can mow your lawn. Anyone can do the dishes. Anyone can can do the laundry. Anyone. But only you can do your push -ups. Only you can be a parent to your children.

Only you can offer your unique gift to the world. We've got to learn to outsource more.

Okay, here's the other piece. They won't outsource using those resources because, again, the obsession with comforts and conveniences, stuff and things. And so a lot of their money is going into their little conveniences, comforts, whatever, instead of, you know, I really don't need that. And the social competition, right? I really don't need that so I can allocate this money to outsource. So let's pick something. Let's just say you hire somebody to...

cleaning agency or something or somebody to come over and just clean the house a couple times a week Right that frees up some serious hours Right I have lots of friends that do this either have somebody they even They'll even have somebody come over full -time right that does cooking and cleaning and it frees up hours or they come over once a week Or twice a week. Let's say let's say you have someone come over on Monday and Friday

Rachel Denning (43:53.229)
right? And Monday and Thursday, whatever, and just in the morning. So it gives you a few hours in the morning to really focus and you take it. What would you do with some free time? And here's the question. Let me ask this. Why we, we start thinking about transitioning to transactional life or transformational life rather. What would you do with that free time? This is going to be very revealing because what you choose to do with that free time and being strategic to free up time.

is really what starts to distinguish us between transactional and transformational. So one, you start thinking, how can I get with time? And then two, what would I do at that time? That's gonna reveal whether you stay transactional or you go transformational. If you would just like, oh, I'm just gonna sit there and do nothing. Oh, and I know some of you need a rest, need a break, but you need recovery. And so instead of turning to social media or movies or entertainment or whatever, or chit chatting or gabbing or gossiping or.

news or whatever you turn to transformational things. So what if you freed up some time, you can really engage with your kids, or you can work on learning a language or reading those books or gaining a new skill or leveling up what in whatever area you want to pursue your mission, your purpose, your calling. And you can take those hours. And if you have just a few additional hours a week, what could that do to your life? Again, go back, if you spread it through 30 minutes a day,

It's 22 eight hour workdays in a year. What can you accomplish in 22 eight hour workdays? Well, you could write a book, that's for sure. Or you could read lots of books. Or you can make some massive changes. And that's where it gets transformational.

In the transactional life, there's still a lack of purpose, a lack of passion, a lack of persistence.

Rachel Denning (45:53.549)
They lack clarity about who they are and the big picture of their life. Does that make sense? In the transactional living, they, they lack big picture, passion, purpose, and persistence in what they really want for their lives. And so there's a lot of discontent. They have the comfort, they have the convenience, right? They have that obsession with it and keeping up with the neighbors, so to speak.

But then always there's this nagging in their heads and in their hearts of like, is this it? Is this all there is? Like why am I living somebody else's life? Why am I handing over my time to other people's agendas?

We crave, my friends, we crave a spontaneous, exciting, creative, fun, ambitious, driven life. But we trade that for, again, comfort, convenience, safety, security, and the good opinion of others. Isn't this fascinating? I mean, this stuff is so powerful. And I've been there and I still will find, Rachel, I will find ourselves slipping into either of these. Again, you can do it.

You can do it for a moment or for the afternoon or the evening. You can have a very trapped evening. You can have a transactional morning, but for the vast majority, I want to push all of this into the transformational, right? And we don't want to live the transactional life becomes very boring, very stale.

very mundane and very unfulfilling. You with me? And we've all felt that. And yes, there's a lot of transactions that need to be done. I can hear some of you saying right now, but I have all these things I have to do. Right? And I get it. There's a big list. But maybe I'll make an invitation here. I wasn't even considering doing this. I'm gonna make an invitation right now.

Rachel Denning (48:06.317)
Make a clear list of all the things you have to do. I've done this with my clients and I say, okay, you're telling me, I keep hearing you say, so we're talking, right? We're like, what are you gonna do? Do this, I just have to do all this and all this and all this. And I'm like, okay, let's make a list right now. List out all the things you have to do. And then first of all say, then order them. Which ones are most important? Which ones can you say no to? Done, remove them from your life. Some of you are like,

constantly taking care of something that you could just get rid of. It's not really adding value to your life. I guess that's another piece of the transactional, right? Is your life are so full of stuff.

Like you've got your whole house full of stuff and your garage full of stuff and maybe even a storage unit or two full of stuff. And it happens to all of us, we just start collecting. When you stay still, you just start gathering stuff. Every time we stay somewhere for longer than a few weeks, we gather so much stuff. And so you could just say, wait a minute, I'm spending all this time, all this effort, all this energy, thought, emotion, whatever on this thing that's really not adding value to my life. Just get rid of it.

Gone. There we go. Move that along. There it goes. Pass it along to somebody else who really wants it and adds value to their life. And you're going to feel so fantastic because it's going to free up time and space. And so identify what everything is there. What can you say no to? What can you outsource? What can you remove completely? And then prioritize and work on the things that move the needle in your favor.

Some of you just have too much stuff. You've said yes to too many projects and to too many people. And I know you just wonderful, sweet, awesome people. I love you. But I know a lot of you in your just genuine desire to please other people, you've said yes to all kinds of things you should have said no to. And so do some zero -based thinking and say no. Right? And only if it's not an absolute yes, like this is part of my life. This is, this is.

Rachel Denning (50:17.485)
If it's not a yes, this is a part of my transformational life, then remove it. Now, again, it might be yes to, I'm going to go visit the widow or the widower down the street and take meals because that matters. That's special. It might be a yes to, you don't have to help that, but it's not, it's not an always a yes. And you might pause and say, no, that one is definitely a no. And be, be courageous about saying no. Here's some, here's some other things.

that are big. In the transactional space, there's not this boldness, this confidence. It is a constant fear of how others will judge you or what they'll say. This is actually trapped too, where you literally live your whole life unable to say what you really think, afraid of being ridiculed or mocked or always feeling like you're wrong.

You don't have this free expression of yourself. Often even within marriage or family, some of you feel stifled. You live in terror of the reactions of others. I've talked to many people who are afraid of what their mother will say or their mother -in -law will say or, oh, my dad, I'm not gonna, I can't really talk about what I really think and feel about this because, oh, my dad will come unglued.

or my father -in -law or my sibling or my spouse, right? And so that's, it's very trapped or even transactional where it's just all, it's all convenient, it's all comfortable, it's all safe, secure, but it's not a full expression of creativity. Some of you might change careers if it weren't for the fear of what others might say. Some of you might chase down this dream or this passion, this goal. You might really sing that song you were born to sing, but you're stuck there.

Right? So we have to break free of all of that.

Rachel Denning (52:21.613)
of the fear of what others will say and allow yourself to find yourself and refine yourself.

end.

live this transactional, transformational life.

So if you feel like you're just kind of a passenger, you're a passive rider on this vehicle of life, and you're kind of marching along with the herd and doing what others are doing, and you don't really know why, you haven't made any clear decisions about what you're doing, why you haven't set up high standards for yourself.

That's kind of a transactional existence. If you're not deliberately choosing to do the things you love. Now, hold on a minute here, because you can sometimes you just kind of get in this rut mentally or emotionally. You might, if you just kind of bring back some life to your life, you might actually genuinely love what you're currently doing. Just you need to turn back on the love and the life. Some of you, though, are going to turn on love and life and realize, yeah, I don't know. This isn't this isn't maybe where I want to live. I don't want to have a house in this neighborhood.

Rachel Denning (53:35.597)
I don't want to be in this area or I don't want to do this work anymore or I love this work I just want to be in this company anymore or you might say you know this group of friends they're just kind of they're nice they're good people but I just you know I need somebody that stimulates me that just challenges me to help me to grow. For some of you you're gonna want to you might want to just radically transform the way you're doing life right now.

You might want to just totally shift things. And here's what's interesting though. This is definitely the transactional characteristic here. You say, well, but life is good. Why should I want more? And you actually honestly start feeling guilty sometimes that your life is good. And why should you want more? It almost feels like ingratitude, right? Like if I want my life to be better, if I want to make some changes.

Why should I want to change? Why should I want to grow? Why should I want to improve? Why should I want to live a transformational life when a transactional life is so good? And often these feelings of guilt or kind of squelching, like why should I improve? Why should I make a difference? Why should I be better than I am? Because life is so good. But it's because we are built, we're made, God made us to want to grow and grow and grow and keep growing, keep improving, keep getting better. And then once you reach a certain level where you're, you're,

performing in a transformational way, right? In an extraordinary way, then you have a responsibility and moral obligation to help more people and to increase your circle of influence and help others. Whoa. So we've got to get out of this passive rider mode, right? As passenger or get off cruise control, turn that baby off and break free from the traps of

what you know, the routines and patterns and what's familiar, uncomfortable and convenient and turn it on where you get crazy excited to be alive. You're fully present in what you're doing. You know what you're doing and why you're doing it. And because you're doing it, even if it's the dishes, right? And this is what's so funny. It's like you can have these amazing

Rachel Denning (55:57.965)
meaningful experiences, and then you've got to go do the cleaning. So after meaning comes the cleaning, right? There's there are transactional parts of life. But if we're going to do them, let's make sure we're doing doing them with with gusto and with energy and excitement and life and purpose like you're you're all in right? Be excited about make it fun. If you just have to do a chore, man throw in a great audiobook that's life changing, or take along a person with you and have a meaningful conversation. Like make make it matter.

I'm going to do a whole episode on that actually. Make it matter. I'll come back to that. But like take these things and be all in. Now I don't, I don't do this all the time. Sometimes I'll be like, Oh man, I got to do this chore and Rob and I've now luckily I'll catch myself now. Cause I've been thinking about this so long. Like either, I'm either being trapped in that moment or definitely transactional and I don't have to be.

It's a choice. It's always a choice we have. So let's, let's shift to this transformational space. And this is where this truly is where the extraordinary family life comes into play. Where we're very alert and aware of what's happening. We're not obsessed with safety and security.

and comfort and convenience and the judgments of others, we're actually obsessed with living deliberately, about doing the right thing. We're not worried about who's right, we're worried about what is right. We're not worried about what others think, we're worried about what we will think at the end of our lives when we look back. And we are our final judge of life saying, did I really live? Right? We are present in the moment.

We know how to regard the past, right? So we're not living in the past. We're looking back and learning from it. Right? And you've heard me say this. None of us can change the past, but we can definitely change the way we view it. Transformational life. They look at the past to learn lessons and move forward, right? So we're forward facing learning from the past. We're not in the future dreaming of that, you know, the, the S some, some saving grace to come in and take care of all our problems. We're looking at the future saying, what am I doing today?

Rachel Denning (58:16.525)
in a transformational way that's going to create a transformational future. So we have ambitions, we have vision, we have vision boards, we have big goals and we're moving towards them. We have direction, we have purpose, we have passion, we have persistence when we're living a transformational life. And we're seeking out challenges. See, the transactional life is, let's do this, the trapped life.

hates challenges, abhors them, complains about them, blames them. The transactional life avoids them because it's inconvenient and it's uncomfortable. And it might if it's hard, it might be embarrassing. But the transformational life embraces seeks out like runs towards challenges. That's different. We're seeking out novelty challenge new things, we're going gangbusters.

Because challenge is where there's growth, where there's excitement, where there's transformation. Oh yeah. We're not obsessed with entertainment. We're obsessed with growth, with learning. We're lifelong learners, like committed to the quest for personal greatness. The, and the transformational living, they believe in themselves. They're not.

They're not blind to their mistakes and weaknesses and shortcomings, but they don't beat themselves up and say they're bad. They're not worried that being enough, they realize that they are inadequate and they're gonna be really conscious.