Get answers to your questions about marriage, parenting and family life from experts and parents of 7 children!

Rachel Denning (00:00.782)
Hey guys, welcome to another episode of the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. Thanks for being awesome. And yes, I can know you're awesome because you're listening to podcasts and you care about life and you're trying to level up and you're trying to be a great person and you're striving and straining and working and you get frustrated when you mess up and you want to live a good life. That makes you awesome. So keep it up. Keep doing that. Keep moving forward. Keep your head up.

Be excited, be alive, be hopeful. I know things are crazy, crazy in the world and sometimes crazy in our own lives. Sometimes straight crazy in our own heads. But I want to invite you to be optimistic, to choose to look for the positive and the good in everything, even in the toughest situations and circumstances. Really focus in on smiling and...

looking up, looking ahead, we can walk around through life with our head down, with our head in the sand. I keep seeing the chicken and the eagle, right, with the chicken just constantly got its head in the dirt and pecking at the ground versus soaring in the heights of what's possible and making things better. So even if things are rough, even if things are challenging, keep your head up.

and be optimistic, be hopeful, be excited, be strategic, which we're going to talk about today. And man, just keep moving forward. So what we're going to talk about today is super important. You've heard me mention this before that in order to be truly successful in life, we absolutely must become really good at several things. It's just, there's just no getting around that. It's like saying that, you know, all the important areas of life are all number one.

Right, they're all number one, they're all important. Which one are you gonna neglect? Right, which one are you gonna neglect long term? We're gonna actually talk about strategic neglect today, or getting strategically out of balance, and if you're taking notes, I want you to, we're gonna capture that idea, because it's so important. But which one could you just eliminate from your life? Which one you're gonna not focus on? Which one are you not gonna succeed and excel in? Is it finances, you're just gonna let that go? How about your health?

Rachel Denning (02:23.182)
You let that one go see how that turns out. What about marriage or parenting or your own spirituality or your own emotional well -being or psychological well -being or your relationships? Which part of which important part of life you're gonna be like, yeah, that one doesn't matter. Right. And that's the point, you guys. It all matters. They're all number one. They all count so much and they have to. There isn't any part of our any important.

part of a life that we can just say, yeah, that part doesn't matter. Because it does. And so it all comes back to the struggle that we all have in this human journey. Like how in the world do I take care of all the things I need to take care of? How do I balance that? Right? And the reality is we come back to it again, you're gonna hear me say it again and again, I'm gonna keep preaching this because it is just absolutely true. We have to become

Really good at several things in order to be successful in life because if we do not my friends and here's a here's a reality if you let me be just completely frank with you for a minute here if We don't become really good at several things Then we end up just being mediocre at those things and life sucks and then what happens is we start to drop the ball and things start to unravel on us and

and then we get into deep trouble.

then things just start to hurt really bad. And this is when I see marriages completely fell and get really, really ugly. And you know, honestly, what precedes that is one of the individuals fails. So you start to, you start to unravel mentally or emotionally or spiritually or well with, with addiction, distraction, with problems, right? You just start to unravel and you lose control and then marriages unravel and they just turn into this. What was once.

Rachel Denning (04:22.893)
beautiful and precious and special and sustaining becomes ugly and destructive and painful and miserable and it brings so much misery into our lives. What used to bring so much joy and fulfillment and support now becomes just an unbelievable pain point that we just can't wait to get rid of. We see we see people unravel spiritually we see children get lost in any manner of problems.

and family relationships fall apart. We see financial disasters and on and on, right? And it's all because if we don't learn how to get, and man, I'm gonna get intense today. I'm getting a little bit intense because I get to see this every day. I get to work with wonderful people, many of you, and I get to coach great people. I get to present and talk and meet with people all the time. And again, I would be blind, deaf, and dumb if I did not see the pattern.

They're there and they're obvious. And the reality is we have to become really good at several things. And there's some strategy to do that. That's what we're going to talk about today because the question begs the question like, well, how do I actually do that? How do I become really good at several things? I'm having a hard time being good at anything, any one thing. Or if I'm good at one, I'm really neglecting the others. How do I keep my life in balance? You might feel like you're juggling. You have all these things up in the air or you're swimming along and people

keep handing you children to keep above water, right? You've heard me talk about all these things before, but it hits home hard. And one of the answers, ironically, is you need to become a little bit obsessed with certain things in your life. And that seems counterintuitive. You're like, wait a minute. And I got a response recently from one of you about this in, in on an Instagram post. Cause I was saying, look, if you want to be, you, you've got to get obsessed about something. You've got to lean into this.

and get a little bit obsessive around this thing so you can really gain some ground. But it seems so counterintuitive. You're like, wait a minute, if I lean into something, then how do I, how do I keep everything else above water? Like, how do I keep all these other balls up in the air? How do I balance out my life if I get obsessive about something? Right. And it's a, it's a really great question. It's an excellent question. And I'm glad you're thinking that way and that you have the awareness to go, wait a minute.

Rachel Denning (06:47.149)
Wait a minute, if I obsess about something, then I'm going to neglect other things. And this is where we lean into strategic neglect. But before we go there, we have to step back and get serious. It's time to get serious about serious things. And we have to look at first those things that are most important. I think one of the biggest problems, my friends, is that a lot of us allow unimportant things to take up a lot of our bandwidth in life.

It's consuming our attention, right? Or what somebody has called attention units. So, you know, if we have, we have a limited number of attention units and we do, right? You can't focus on everything. You can't have attention on everything. Only the most important things in life should have our attention. Ooh, only the most important things in life should have our attention. Well, what's the reality? The reality is.

that we are often giving our attention to really unimportant things, right? We get consumed by trivial things, by entertainment, by distraction, like whatever! Or even good things, even good things can get in the way of the best things. You've heard that before, you know that.

But are you doing it?

Rachel Denning (08:19.661)
that's worth really analyzing carefully. That's worth pondering for a long time. It's worth some serious self -examination.

If I were to sit down with every one of you and go that kind of comb through your lives, I promise we could find some things that aren't near as important. And these are things in your life that are taking up time and resources, energy. And you would say, not me, this isn't about what I think. It's about what you think. But you would admit if we comb through it carefully, you would admit that those things that are consuming a lot of your time and attention are not near as important as the biggest pain points in your life.

that are not getting enough time and attention and it well and especially the right kind of time and attention. See when when things get painful in our lives sometimes they they automatically you're like if you're having trouble with a child or a marriage or finances or work or some kind of trouble boy it ends up getting tons of time and attention doesn't it? It just sucks it out of everything else you're doing. What's interesting though is that time and attention those resources aren't always effective in helping it.

Does that make sense? So let's say, let's say I'm having an issue with one important area of my life. And so because of the pain, it's pulling me away from other things. It's just so much attention, but that attention to it, the resources to it are often just symptom management. We're just trying to manage it. We're in survival mode. And so it's not getting really great strategic time and attention.

It's not getting the resources and the attention that actually create the change, the long lasting change that we want. It's just like, Oh my gosh, I have to deal with this again. So it's just dealing with it again and again and dealing with it again and again, but not fixing it like done with it the right kind of time and attention. So my friends get crystal clear about what is actually important in your life. In fact, if you really want to go after this and you should, because if not,

Rachel Denning (10:30.797)
The pain is so great and the consequences so devastating. If we neglect the important things in our life, especially because of the unimportant things, the consequences will come sooner or later. Men and women simply cannot escape the consequences of their choices. It will come out sooner or later, even if no one else ever knows, you know.

It always plays out. There's just simply in life is no escaping of consequences. None. We cannot avoid it. And people who think they can and they sneak past it like it eventually plays out. It always does. Oh my goodness. It always does. So get crystal clear about what's important in your life. And I had some coaching sessions on this just recently with some amazing coaching clients that I have of really getting serious about, okay, what do you want?

What is it you really truly want and why isn't it happening? And when we got honest about it, it actually gets painful because we have these things we like. We have these... Well, at the end of the day, if we're honest with ourselves, they're trivialities. And so we have these trivialities. And anything that isn't the most important thing in your life ultimately is trivial, right? If it's not one of the most important things in your life, then it's just trivial. It's secondary. And so we have all these secondary interests, but we like them.

We like the entertainment.

We like the toys and the stuff and the things and the shows and the games and all that stuff. And in its right place, which has a tiny, minuscule fraction of our lives, not that we have this boring stoic life, we actually have a very fun, enjoyable life. All of us should be just absolutely enjoying life. But the secondary thing should be and must be secondary. And if they're not, man, it gets...

Rachel Denning (12:29.261)
serious pain points and so we had to honestly go through those coaching sessions and say what's what are the secondary things that are standing in your way?

Rachel Denning (12:38.829)
don't want. And so you actually have to stop and say, what is it costing me? What is this costing me? What is it costing our marriage? What is it costing our parenting, our relationship with our kids, our family as a whole, our finances? What is this costing us to keep the secondary thing in a place of importance?

It's it doesn't belong there. It's sitting on the throne, this secondary trivial thing, this unimportant thing is sitting on the throne. You see me, I'm ranting here, my friends. Man, I'm fired up about this because I see this. Cause so much unnecessary pain and suffering. And sometimes it gets unbelievably serious.

even to down to suicide.

and destroyed families and lives because this gets, it gets out of balance in the wrong way. So let's, let's go back now to how do we, how do we become really good at several things? The most important thing, number one, get absolutely clear about what is most important to you. And, and this isn't as clear cloud as you think it is.

This is not as clear cut as you think it is. Because some of you might say something like, well, church. Church is most important.

Rachel Denning (14:06.861)
And to that I'd say, well, hold on a minute. Yes, your relationship and this is my personal view. My your relationship with God is absolutely one of the most important things in your life. But as far as church goes, remember that a church exists to support you and to support your family. It's not the other way around.

Like you don't exist to support the church and your family does not exist to support the church. And sometimes your church involvement gets in the way of your own well -being and your family's well -being. Again, don't misunderstand me there. There's an appropriate balance to this. And yes, if we're on the spiritual journey and we're practicing our faith, that is amazing and it's so helpful and so...

Healthy and wonderful. I mean across all cultures and religions you study history. Yes There's obviously have been some atrocities created by religious fanatics But as a whole it's a very beautiful wonderful thing but

if your family life or your life is unraveling.

and

Rachel Denning (15:29.197)
something needs to be strategically neglected to get it mastered, then you get what I'm saying? I don't want to be misunderstood here. We have to be really careful about and intentional and deliberate about where we're giving our time, attention and resources and in the right way in the right places.

Whoa, man, that's good. Okay. So let's dive in. How do we do it? Well, the way to, we have to get on the path of mastery. We have to be mastering things. And so there's several things that we have to be really, really good at and we have to master them. One of the ways to master something is to become obsessed with it, to go all in, like to just go deep immersion. Immersion has more power than, than most of us give it any, any chance to have. In fact, I would dare say that many of us have not yet felt the

positive effects of deep immersion. Maybe we've never been exposed to it. Maybe we've never really experienced what it's like to go deep, deep immersion. When you go into something on, you know, on a mastery level, to get into that kind of immersion. Whoo, baby, that is awesome. And many of us have probably not yet experienced that. And we need to. So we need to go get obsessive. Now, that will be for a time.

to the neglect or the slight neglect of other things. I don't think we should ever go full neglect. Like should you ever fully neglect your health? No way, man. You'll tank. You'll burn out. In fact, if you fully neglect your health, you'll burn out within days. If you know weeks at the best and you will crash. So you can't neglect your health because you have to have energy and stamina and vitality to even be obsessed in something. So it can be a full neglect, right? But you may not be spending

you know, two hours at the gym or something, which is a little, a little excessive, unless you're getting obsessed about your health. If your health is way out of balance, if you're super overweight, maybe that's the thing you get at first, you need to be obsessed about. Get obsessed with getting in great health. And that might require the two hours at the gym and totally reworking everything with what you eat and how you eat in your lifestyle. In fact, I,

Rachel Denning (17:41.997)
I'm going to be so bold as to say that if your health is out of balance, make that your priority and be get strategically out of balance to get your health back. You've got to have a bright, sharp, active mind that has clarity and functionality. You got to have a body that just has energy and vitality. You pop out of bed, you sleep well at night, you pop out of bed, you're ready to go and you can give energy to the things you need because

And there's a perfect example when these things are just mediocre at best, then you're just limping along. Oh, man, and that that neglect, then it takes a heavy toll across everything else. So is this starting you started? I guess I hope that I can articulate this at least well enough. I know I'm not going to do it justice, but at least well enough to where you start seeing like, okay, I have to be strategically out of balance for a time.

not long term, not permanently, strategically out of balance for a time so that I can master this area and get the strategies and the systems in place where this functions at a high level for the long term, indefinitely.

So look at your life and maybe you take those important things. What are the most important things? It's gonna be maybe five or six, seven things that are the most important things. And then start getting really strategic about which one is the biggest pain point, which one will make the biggest difference, and which one you need to master first. If you have a major problem in your life that is a major pain point, then that's probably the thing you need to focus on.

Again, a coaching session would help like help you think through this clearly because it might be it sometimes it's one areas like so painful and we don't realize that it's a it's a lateral parallel area that's actually causing a lot of the pain, which is interesting. That shows up in the body too. Sometimes the left side of your, you know, the back of your shoulder or your back is really killing. And it's because, you know, a muscle on the right side of your body is pulled tight and it's tweaking it. So the pain showed up on the left, but caused by a problem on the right.

Rachel Denning (20:02.861)
And same is true in life, but pick something. So if your marriage is really, really hurting, then you need to get a little bit obsessed and strategically out of balance to get your marriage back where it needs to be. You've got to get it good and then get it in a system in a place where you can maintain an awesome relationship with your spouse. But it won't require near as much time as getting obsessed to get it one to get it healed and two to get it right. Because once it's right, then you can maintain it and keep it there.

Again, we come back easily to the physical balance. If I'm 30 or 40 or 50 or 80 pounds overweight, I got to get that gone. Right. And that's going to take more time and attention and effort to get it off than it will to keep it off. If that makes sense. So if it's marriage dive there, if it's parenting, one of the relationship with your kids or just your family culture in general, that needs to be your focus. Get strategically out of balance. And so you, you thoughtfully lower.

the time and attention and resources you're giving to other things so you can carve out space.

So I mean you could see it as a number of units you have. You could even you've heard me tell this metaphor of Brian Tracy talked about you know the pigs at the trough and you got 24 hours in a day and you know your time and attention is right there and so there's always pigs at the trough and if something is going to come in then one necessarily has to come out. If one is really overgrown and needs to be cut back.

You know, it's got to come, something's got to give and something has to change. There has to be an exchange rate. So think through this really thoughtfully, really strategically, write about it, please. And please do this. Like I'm begging, I wish I was with you each individually. We could talk through it and we could look over your whole life. We could sit down and just say, okay, let's, let's just identify every part of your life. Write them all down here. What are the most important things? What's consuming your time? Like you ought to track your time. Do a time tracker and just record. What do you do with your time all day?

Rachel Denning (22:05.037)
I think you'll be blown away. I think you'll be really surprised and shocked even how you're spending your time. We think, we tell ourselves a story of how we're spending our time, but the reality is when we track it, we're like, geez, I had no idea I was spending that much time in something that's not really that important to me. So be willing to totally and completely cut out the junk. Get rid of your TV if you need to. Like cancel some of the memberships you have that really aren't adding value to your life. You actually might, quote, cancel.

some relationship you have that aren't just adding a lot of value to your life or strategically neglect those. Like cut out any, oh my friend, and I'm just, I'm feeling so passionate and intense about this right now because I'm, I'm working with some, some people who are in some really, really desperate circumstances and situations. I mean, it's, it's, this is serious stuff. Lives are on the line and nobody ever wakes up and thinks that that's going to be them.

Nobody ever gets married and dreams one day we'll have horrible, horrible problems and lives will be on the line. Nobody thinks about that. But because of just subtle, you know, because of life, life just happens, right? And if we're not strategic about becoming really good at several things and mastering those things, then this is the natural fallout. It's a default setting. The weeds come in by themselves. You don't have to plant seeds to get weeds, my friends. They just come.

And if we aren't strategically and deliberately and intensely pulling weeds all the time, then the weeds start to choke things out and marriages start to die and people start to fall apart and unravel mentally, emotionally, and then, and it's like, you know, spiritually and it gets, it gets so sad and so dangerous. And so I beg of you and, oh man.

Maybe some of you right now are like, ah, life's pretty good, man. You're a little intense right now, Greg, because my life's pretty good. But whether it's happening right now or it happens later or it has happened before, it's just part of life. The weeds are going to come. And if we're not really careful about it, your day will come. That reckoning will come, I promise. That's not negative. It's not pessimistic. It's just, it's the human journey.

Rachel Denning (24:21.837)
It's this life we're living. The weeds just come. And if we aren't constantly on top of that and mastering the most important things, if any of us begins to allow the secondary things to become primary, we are asking for trouble. And it may come tomorrow or may come next year or the next decade, but come it will. And that's why I'm so intense about this because I get to see, I have the privilege of helping people.

when things have gotten bad. And so I feel like turning around and shouting back to people who are coming down that path saying, hey stop, don't come down here, stop, go back, there's risk, there's danger. And you're like, what's the big deal, come on, you're overreacting a little bit. But I want you to get intense about this and identify those key areas of your life. Write out, write out a plan, how are you going to strategically get out of balance for a time so that you can.

master that area that's causing the most pain. And if you can get really clear about what it looks like to be thriving in that area and what it's going to take you to get there, then get strategically out of balance, work like crazy, be obsessed with that thing until it gets to a place where it needs to be. And you have systems and strategies in place to maintain it there at the high level. Then we move to the next.

And if you already have a couple things pretty dialed in, you can keep them dialed in while you give a little bit of obsessive attention to that other thing. Oh, I hope this is hitting home, my friends, and I hope you find it extremely valuable. It's so important. We absolutely must. Non -negotiable. If we are going to succeed in life, we must become really good at several things.

And they have to be the right things. You get that wrong, man. You get that wrong, oh, things will be off.

Rachel Denning (26:24.109)
So they have to be the right things that are the most important things. And then, get strategically out of balance in order to master them.

And once you begin to master those areas, you can just do it one at a time until, and here's the hopeful thing and I guess the most important part of this message. And I can speak from this, my friends, because I've been there. I've had my life, in fact, almost all of my life, so far out of balance that everything was in pain. Everything was in pain. I was in pain, and this was years ago, I was in pain psychologically and emotionally. I was in pain.

Physically unhealthy I grew up in a very unhealthy environment. I was in pain spiritually and socially especially. Oh my goodness. I struggled socially in relationships I felt the pain and so there were points, you know in my late teens especially that Everything was out of balance and everything hurt and I hadn't mastered anything

But then I got obsessed. First one for me was physical. I got obsessed with my health and I've maintained excellent health my whole life. Now, once I got into shape in my late teens, man, that was that. And I've stayed there. And so then now that I'm in a healthy, strong place, I can use my body as a vehicle, as an instrument to succeed in the other areas. And I really had to focus on my mind. That was the next thing, my mind and my emotions. And then my social skills, I had to master that. I'm just...

And we're still working on those things and still leveling up on all these things. But get obsessed about the things that are most important. Give them the time and attention. And you watch how it...

Rachel Denning (28:13.037)
Watch how it makes everything go right. You know, when you jump out of an airplane, I've been skydiving a couple of times, absolute blast. And the second time, I told the story already, but the second time I asked the guy to do, I was like, let's do something epic. And he's like, well, my record is five backflips. I'm like, let's do five backflips. So as soon as we left the plane, we went into five backflips and we were just spinning crazy fast. And then the whole thing in...

in skydiving is you just arch your back and put your arms and legs out and no matter what you're doing you just end up going right. You just kind of flip around and you get in that the right position. And this is the same like.

Get these things right. Get on the path to mastery with the most important things. Do your homework, do your study, read the books, listen to the podcast, watch the videos, get the courses, get the coaching, get the training, invest, pay the price to get things right and then everything else will right itself.

and we get into a space where life is truly extraordinary. Family life is truly extraordinary. And you have the spark and the passion and the romance in the marriage. It's fun and exciting and loving and giddy. Right? It feels like you did when you were dating your first married and you have that connection with your kids is where it's so fun.

so loving and so enjoyable and you're so proud of them as they're progressing and growing and they love you they adore you and respect you and honor you you love them.

Rachel Denning (29:59.117)
and adore them and want everything for them and they get along with each other and love each other and hug each other and express love to each other and spend time together and do things. They're best friends. And then as a family you have this culture that's just, it's unbreakable, it's unstoppable. And it's alive, it just feels good. And it almost takes on this identity of having this life that's thriving and growing and progressing.

And you have that spiritual, you know, the relationship with God and you're spiritually grounded in what matters most to you and you're giving that the time and the attention. And your finances are growing and thriving.

Right? Oh, that's it. That's it, my friends. And, you know, in our family, the Dennings are experiencing that right now because we've been so strategic about making it happen. And we still are. We're intentional. We're deliberate. I'm not telling you that to boast or brag, but it's evidence that if we can do it, anyone can do it. If I can do it, anyone can do it. We've been really, really intentional and strategic.

about mastering the most important things of life and we're working on those things all the time. And so we get the rewards. You got this my friends. Awesome is always an option. Love you guys, reach upward.