#146 Life Lessons From My Brother’s Death

Rachel Denning (00:01.102)
Hey my friends, welcome to another episode of the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. The last 10 days have been tough. Last week, I received a phone call from my oldest brother letting me know that my youngest brother had died. The police or somebody had found his body.

and that he had overdosed on drugs.

Rachel Denning (00:37.774)
Ugh, the pain and the hurt.

and we had known he'd had a problem with drugs. I thought he was getting better.

Rachel Denning (00:52.11)
But even knowing that, just the pain of it all, the hit. And those of you who've lost loved ones, you know what I'm talking about. This, oh man, this. And the tears, they come and go in those moments where you.

where you come across a picture and you think of a memory.

and

I see his face.

Now you think about getting together again. We were going to go out this summer, see him again. He won't be there.

Rachel Denning (01:35.662)
So I shed a lot of painful tears and there's been a lot of reminders and reality checks and it's been super valuable. And so I wanted to, I've been thinking about this cause I want to share this message with you. You guys, this is, this is why I do what I do. This is why I have a podcast. That's why I make videos. I decided to grow my YouTube channel. Why I...

Why do everything we do like are all of our core everything around extraordinary family life like this is this is the purpose. This is the driving force behind my life's work. This is my purpose, my passion.

And his death is just fuel on the fire of this reminder. We're going to talk about this more, but I just had to share this and share the lessons so that all of us can benefit from this experience I'm having, not just me. And so I want to share some of the things I've been thinking about, some of the things I've learned with you, you know, life lessons from death.

And the man, the power and the importance. We have to take serious things seriously. We've got to be aware that every one of us is susceptible to mistakes. That being a good person isn't enough.

Because man, one thing I want to make really clear is my brother was a very good man. He had a huge heart. And he was a genuinely good person. I know sometimes in our heads we will kind of classify or objectify addicts or criminals and we try to allow, and we're not, maybe some of us might do it consciously, but most of us kind of do it unconsciously. We allow.

Rachel Denning (03:51.693)
mistakes or poor choices or addictions to try to define the person. But those mistakes and those addictions, they don't define people. Yeah, it becomes a part of their life. In fact, it even becomes a controlling part of their life. They give up and then lose control.

doesn't define them.

Rachel Denning (04:21.229)
I've met, you guys know, you know, some of my stories. If you've listened to the podcast at all, you've, you've heard these stories. Like I've seen and experienced some of the worst of the worst that this world has to offer. I was out on my own on the streets as a teenager myself, I was surrounded by crime and drugs and alcohol and sex and violence and, and just wretched living. As I've traveled around the world, I've been some of literally some of the poorest.

difficult places on earth shanty towns and shacks and hovels and I've seen suffering You know this people have literally died in my arms. I've seen death I've seen I've seen the suffering I've seen the pain people have come to me and told me they're just for years and years decades People come and told me their problems and told me their stories And I've seen it firsthand in the places. We've gone in the homes. I've been in

Rachel Denning (05:25.069)
seen this stuff and I've talked to murderers.

I've been into maximum security prisons and juvenile detention centers to meet with them, to talk to them, to help, to get to know them.

And those, those are mistakes. So I guess that's, I'm just going to share some, some big takeaways from this experience and thoughts I'm having. And I hope, I hope they'll be beneficial to you as they are to me. And this is one of them.

We've got to learn to separate in our minds the, the, separate the, the crime from the criminal, the addiction from the addict, right? The, the mistake from the person who made it. And yes, I know there's full responsibility and accountability. I get it. And we have to take absolute ownership for our actions.

But it's not the whole picture. It's not the whole man. Does that make sense? And I hope that's comforting to you because you've made mistakes, maybe some big ones, and your mistake doesn't define you.

Rachel Denning (06:47.597)
and the mistakes of others don't define them. Yet, there's still ownership there and there's still risk, right? I'm not saying that we just dismiss that all and trust everyone, because some people haven't earned trust. They've lost it, they've burnt it.

But somehow we've got to see that that's not the defining element, even if it overtakes their life, even if it begins to control them. And I guess that leads perfectly to the next lesson. And the big one that's just driving in my mind is that one simple decision, he made a decision as a young man, as a teenager to try some marijuana.

And that decision led to other decisions which led to his tragic death and honestly his tragic life.

And that's, you guys, that's where it begins to hurt.

And that's where it gets so real and so powerful that every one of us every day, whether we're aware of it or not, are involved in what I call decision stacking.

Rachel Denning (08:04.205)
where our decisions begin to stack. And it's usually small decisions. It's this decision over here to not care, to be a little apathetic or indifferent.

It's this decision over here to be mean or rude or negligent. It's the decision to not do something you know you should do. It's the decision, the small decisions to break commitments to yourself or to others and then begin to stack. And every single day we are stacking decisions and they're either stacking in our favor or they're stacking against us.

Many of you are living in perpetual self -sabotage because you're stacking your decisions against yourself. And so one of the greatest lessons, the biggest takeaways right now of this for me is you have to take care of yourself. You have to take serious things seriously. You have to be aware and beware.

You gotta watch out.

You've got to realize that every single one of us is susceptible.

Rachel Denning (09:14.669)
Good people, really genuinely good people are right now at this moment while you're listening to this and while I'm sharing this, good people are making small decisions that are stacking against them and they're going to destroy their lives. They'll destroy their marriages. They'll destroy their health. They'll destroy relationships. They'll destroy their influence.

They'll destroy their careers, their businesses because of decision stacking. And so I hope I want to convey with everything I can, just all the love and desire, purpose and drive that I have that I've had for decades. It's why I do what I do. You guys, I was, I was experiencing things like this is surrounded by the contrast between.

What's possible, the good life, the absolutely extraordinary family life that's possible. And then the wretched, miserable existence that some people suffer through. That contrast.

It couldn't be more real and it's the driving force and this massive sense of urgency. It's why I create the courses and the training. It's why I have been devouring voraciously the secrets to success and happiness for over two decades. Because I saw this. I saw what's possible and I saw the contrast. In fact, I was living in

very, very difficult circumstances as a teen and as a young man. And I got a glimpse of what was possible. People who were genuinely happy, not the facade, not the show, not the performance people put on on their social media channels or whatever, the big act they put on in public or when people come over, the real deal, the genuine great life.

Rachel Denning (11:22.189)
And my family right now, we couldn't be in a better place. We're in Central America right now. We're remodeling one of our properties here up in the mountains and we're connected with these wonderful indigenous people. These great people who are out traveling and having adventures and learning and growing. And my family is like...

I'm going to just be honest, like we don't have any problems. Like life is so good. We are genuinely living the extraordinary family life that we talk about, that we teach, we share. And we, Rachel and I do coaching every week in some form or another. We're constantly coaching and teaching and leading and sharing these things because it works.

It's possible for you can do it. No, obviously life isn't free of problems or troubles. And, and my brother's death is, is an example of that. The pain and the hurt this week in the midst of just living our dream life.

and he was suffering and I know there was a lot of darkness and a lot of sorrow.

Rachel Denning (12:49.965)
And you contrast those two worlds and what's possible. That's what gets me and that's what drives me my friends. When you think about what, and may I just speak directly and bluntly and speak to you?

Rachel Denning (13:06.733)
I don't know your whole situation or circumstance, but I've worked with enough people on five continents that there's some common denominators. And my guess is you're living below your potential.

and you're tolerating things of yourself and of your circumstances that honestly are unacceptable. And in life you get what you tolerate and you're settling for far, far less than what is possible for you, not other people for you.

Rachel Denning (13:43.373)
Whoa, that's why you have to take action and there has to be a healthy sense of urgency. Not a desperation, although some of you are right near or right in desperate situations. Maybe it's yourself. Maybe it's your marriage, your business, your children, your family, your friends. Maybe it's your siblings. I can't believe how many we've gotten so many kind messages and thank you for that. Thank you for your love.

thoughts, energy, prayers, and kind thoughts and words. We've gotten so many and it's been beautiful and helpful, extremely helpful. What has shocked me is how many messages we got of people who are like, yeah, we went through the same thing. It was my dad or my mother -in -law, my sister, my brother. Most of them, the majority of the messages like that were a brother.

Rachel Denning (14:43.437)
There's a lot of men who are hurting and I knew this and I know this and it's just another powerful reminder. It's why I created the, the be the man masterclass, the roadmap for real men or to be a real man, right? This extensive training is I, I think about this stuff every day. I create resources, training, study and share. And, and we do the, I have the live trainings and created this tribe.

We all need it. We all need it. And men need it. And man, there's a lot of really good men who are struggling right now.

Rachel Denning (15:24.749)
Can I, can I plead with you? It neither it's for yourself. And again, that's the first lesson is take care of yourself. I'm not exempt. You're not exempt. You've got to invest in yourself. And again, take serious things seriously. If you think for a second that you're not susceptible to somehow you can coast. Oh my gosh, it just kills me the irony.

the ridiculousness of how we tell ourselves these stories in our heads. And we think somehow we can coast to the top that we can keep climbing and progressing and growing and improving that life will just somehow get better automatically. That it just, if we're just good, if we just go along, if we just keep moving forward, somehow life will get better, but it doesn't. Some people just get older. They don't get better. And their lives actually coast down.

Because they think somehow like, well, I'll just kind of keep doing what I'm doing. What's not working?

And I'm being blunt here, I'm being direct.

because of the reality check I had last week. It's cliche to say life is precious and life is short and you take it seriously and act now, you don't know how long you're, you know, all that's cliche until someone really close to you dies.

Rachel Denning (16:53.773)
then it's not so cliche anymore.

Rachel Denning (16:59.789)
And I want that to just sink in. Take action.

invest in yourself, cut the crap. Stop, stop with the vices, the addictions, the time wasting, the life wasting, the bad habits.

You know which ones they are, you know what I'm talking about. It's time to level up and get serious about it. If you need to get rid of some apps or even some devices, just get rid of them.

If TV is dominating your evenings, and you know it's not the best use of your time or the best way to connect with your family, get rid of your TV.

Rachel Denning (17:55.021)
Yeah. And you're like, Oh, it's a little extreme. It's like, you know what these small again, decision stacking. And I've talked to this about this before. If you've heard the other podcast, like I, in my work, I get to see the train wreck at the end of the tunnel. Right. I get to see the disaster that going over the waterfall downstream. People come to me often for help for the disasters.

And so, you know, with just my, again, my drive, my purpose, my passion, my desire to help people live extraordinary lives because I know what's possible and I know it can be done. And please don't ever lose hope. Please, please, please. That breaks my heart more than anything else.

Rachel Denning (18:44.653)
My brother lost hope too.

Sometimes it seems too hard, too far, too much, too dark.

Please don't lose hope. Hopelessness is the darkest thing there is. So please keep hoping. But that's what I do, right? I see the disaster, the precipice, the waterfall, the rocks downstream. So I run back upstream, I'm like, hey, don't do that, stop! And they're like, oh man, you're a little bit extreme, you're kind of fanatical, man, it's not a big deal.

but I get to see decision stacking. When you choose your path, you've chosen your destination. When you start going down that stream, you get what's at the end of that stream.

And so we have to be paddling against the current. We have to get into other places. We have to change paths. And this is my, this is my call, my plea. This isn't, and don't misunderstand me. This isn't a sales pitch here. It's a call to action. Invest in yourself, get the coaching, get the training, get the courses, get the program. Again, this is why I do what I do. It's why I've created all of this.

Rachel Denning (20:07.117)
It's why I'm ranting to you right now. I'm pleading with you. Do whatever you have to do. An extraordinary, loving, romantic, passionate marriage is possible.

Don't look around at the crowds. Don't look around at the masses and settle for that and think that's the way things are just because it's common. If it's normal, if it's average, it's mediocre. Don't follow the masses. Follow the masters. Don't look around at what everybody else is doing and assume that's the way things are and have to be. That's bogus. Do not.

base your life and your life decisions on what everybody else is doing because the definition of that is mediocre.

Rachel Denning (21:02.797)
And if you can have that kind of marriage, why in the world are you settling for this humdrum marriage or even a humdrum existence? If it's extraordinary life, it's full of creativity and passion and vibrancy and energy and excitement and possibility. If you can make a difference in the world and difference in the lives of the people around you, if you can do work you love and crush it in the marketplace and with your home and really connect and have

unbelievable amounts of influence. Why are you settling for this lame existence? Why are you acquiescing?

to doing what everyone else is doing.

And telling yourself, well, this is the way life is. Life sucks and you die. Nobody really likes what they do. Look around, you know, everybody struggles. Every couple fights, no they don't. Of course they disagree, you got two complete human beings. They disagree, we don't have to fight all the time. You don't have to be miserable. And you know what gets me? This one gets me. This common idea about teenagers. Oh yeah, they're going.

those teenage years, the teenagers are terrible. It's all it's hard, terrible. That's just the way they are. Teenage hormones has nothing to do with that at all. If you've lost influence, and I guess here's another big takeaway, right? So let me finish up the last one. You've got to get your life in order. Let this be a catalyst for you like it was for me. Let the intensity that I'm feeling right now carry over to you. Learn from my experience.

Rachel Denning (22:47.277)
Get your life in order. Now my life's in order, I've been working on it for decades. I've been focused. But this is a huge reminder, live your life as your very best self and do not settle for anything less. Pay for it. Again, get the courses, get the training, get the coaching, whatever. Because people who pay, pay attention.

And if you, oh man, this one just kills me. I can't even tell you how many times I talked to parents who wanted to avoid the expense of investing in their kids until they were forced to pay insane amounts of money to try to rescue their child.

Rachel Denning (23:35.277)
invest now. Invest always in yourself and your family. And here's the second part, right? The second big takeaway, do more to influence others, do a lot more. Sometimes we give this little small effort, this little pittance of an effort we we try. And then when it doesn't work out, we assuage our own pain by saying, Well, you know, well, we tried. I think

think that's bogus. There's more we can do. There's a lot more we can do. And in fact, the very best thing that you can do for others is to be a better person yourself. You want to influence others? Be great. Be truly great. And most of you struggle to connect and influence with your youth and young adults. When your kids are little,

Kids just adore their parents. Even if they're schmucks. Kids adore their parents, right? They love you, they adore you, they want all of you. It's all there. But it's when they start getting older and they start seeing things differently and start seeing the world differently now, obviously they're not seeing totally clearly. Because their brains literally are not fully developed yet and they're skewed and they have a little bit of life experience.

But think about this, let the reality of this sink in.

The biggest takeaway that we have of our parents or that our kids will have of us is when they're teens. It's when they are beginning to become cognizant. It's in their tweens and teens when they start seeing us, they start looking at us differently and they start making these assessments of who we are. And that's the image that they take with them into life. And that doesn't seem fair, does it?

Rachel Denning (25:34.317)
But that's the way it is.

Rachel Denning (25:39.117)
And so then people, and I see this every day, people who have little or no influence with their tween, their youth, with their, you know, teenagers and especially young adult children or grown children, it's because you've stopped growing. You've stopped progressing. It's not, you haven't made it blatantly obvious. Now I can hear some of you because I've done this with my coaching clients and work, you know, I'm talking to some of you like, I'm growing. I'm good. I'm happy. I'm

I'm doing this. My kids, they don't see it. They don't know. Like my point is here and I'm going to, I'm going to be bold about this. This is the power of this reminder. My friends, it has to be so obvious that nobody could miss it. You'd have to be blind, deaf, and dumb to see that you're not moving and getting things done. You have to be truly great that nobody can mistake that.

We struggle, we lose influence because we're not green and growing and getting results. My friends, results don't lie.

Rachel Denning (26:51.309)
What do you need to do to earn the respect?

of your children and the people in your circle of influence.

Rachel Denning (27:05.069)
Man, I'm being serious about this. And I know I'm being intense and even a little bit up in your face with love. I have a smile and I'll give you a big bear hug.

but I'm feeling the intensity right now. There's more we can do.

by being more, by leveling up. It's not about checking the boxes. It's not about putting on the show. They see past that. People see right past that, especially our kids. Our kids live with us, man. They're in your home. They get to see the behind the scenes.

They're seeing what you do outside and inside.

Rachel Denning (27:53.421)
They see it all. So be it all. Be excellent. Be truly great. Be extraordinary.

Rachel Denning (28:04.717)
Don't let yourself off the hook with a mediocre life.

with a shoddy.

behavior.

Rachel Denning (28:19.821)
Lean in. Be your very, very best. And actually, honestly, I know some of you are like, oh, it's so hard, it's so much, so overwhelming. Honestly, it's easier. Put in the work, and when you're striving for excellence, life gets easier and so much better, and your influence grows to extraordinary levels.

and your children and the people in your circle of influence, they can't help but respect you and admire you and be influenced by you because you're actually a leader, a true leader, not a position and not a title. Those really don't matter. People see past that too. You're a leader when you're really genuinely leading out. And we have to do that. See, this all fits together, doesn't it?

of having this sense of urgency to live life as our best selves, to watch our own decisions and our own decisions stacking and avoid the dangers of vices and wasting time and wasting life and allowing, allowing pathetic behavior of ourselves.

And you know what I'm talking about. Anytime you live below your potential, anytime you live below what you know is possible.

you undermine your own self -confidence, you undermine your self -esteem, you have a hard time liking yourself because what you're doing isn't that likable.

Rachel Denning (29:58.125)
And so by leveling up and protecting and taking care of yourself, by being your very best, you're going to prevent a whole lot of problems and life gets so much better for you and simultaneously increases your influence. You can do so much more for others. Love them. Please, please love them and please express your love.

one of the greatest consolations I have for my brother's death.

We found out about his death on a Monday morning.

And I quickly opened my messages and I had sent him a message on Thursday night. I just said, Hey, I love you, brother. How's everything going?

And you know how you can see on the messages if he saw it? It had his picture right there next to those words.

Rachel Denning (30:55.661)
He saw it. And it's a, it's not enough consolation because knowing what I know now, I would have, you know, when I found out last week.

I would have done the week before that differently. Right? And that's again, that's a big takeaway and a lesson I want to share for you. Knowing what I know this week, I would have done last week different.

Rachel Denning (31:27.373)
And so I want you to share that thought and that idea of like, lean in more, love more, express love more.

Let's stop getting so caught up in petty things and the drama and the fighting and the bickering and the selfishness and the jealousy and the contention over what? Over stupidities.

Rachel Denning (32:00.269)
Let's actually fill our hearts with love. Let's feel love. It's a choice.

Some of you have your hearts just chuck full of bitterness and resentment, irritation. Throw that all away, set it all aside.

Choose to love and then express it. Express it through action, express it through words.

Let the people in your life know how much you love and appreciate them. Every day, every moment, all the time. Oh man, please let them know how much you love them.

Rachel Denning (32:45.837)
Please. And again, live your life like it's fragile and short. And yes, that's cliche until your brother dies.

then it's real.

Rachel Denning (33:05.805)
If you do that, please do it for yourself, do it for your family. And think about this, take this away. There's probably something you need to do. And you know you've needed to do it. But I want you to do it. Maybe you need to forgive someone. Maybe you need to ask forgiveness of someone.

Maybe you need to reach out and reconnect.

Write that letter.

Go make a visit.

Rachel Denning (33:43.149)
I don't know what it is you need to do.

but I want to invite you, encourage you, challenge you to do it.

so that you can be settled in your heart. And maybe honestly, in this you need to detach a little bit from expectations of outcomes and just do your part so that you can have a clear conscience and a settled heart.

You know, if you go and apologize and express love, they may not give it in return. You might go tell people how much love them and they might not say anything or do anything. But that doesn't matter. What matters is you doing the right thing for the right reason and being settled in your heart that you did your part. And then, like I said earlier, let's get after it. Let's be our absolute best. And I mean very best. Do not settle for...

a mediocre little effort.

Rachel Denning (34:49.805)
Let's live, please, let's live absolutely extraordinary lives, extraordinary family lives, because it's possible. Life can be so, so good.

Rachel Denning (35:12.333)
Or it can be so, so wretched.

Rachel Denning (35:18.061)
Let's choose a good life, my friends.

Choose each day to stack those decisions in your favor to live a genuinely extraordinary family life.

Love you guys. Let me know how I can help if I can help you. If you're struggling with something and you can't figure it out, let me know. Take care of yourselves. Take care of the people around you. Love yourself. Love the people around you. Invest. Turn on that urgency and that necessity and let's get after it and make life as amazing as it can be. Reach up.