#148 What Wives Need to Understand About Their Husbands' Sex Drive, and What Men Need to Understand About Themselves

Rachel Denning (00:01.006)
Good morning. Welcome to another episode of the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. Everything family, right? Everything awesomeness. Living the best life we possibly can. Because it's possible. Man, and if it's possible, we have to do it. It's almost like we have a moral obligation. I think we have a moral obligation to live up to our fullest potential. If...

If something is possible, if something's available to us, then man, we have to, we have to live up to that. You guys, we have to reach and be our best selves because it's possible, because we can. And if you can, in this case, then you should, and perhaps we must. Oh, I love this stuff. Okay, today we have...

This is an episode you guys I've been thinking about for a long, long time and I've actually been hesitant to talk about it, but it just keeps coming up. And so I have to, I think share this cause it might be helpful for some of you. I think it'll be helpful for all of us. And for some of you, it'll be a reminder for some of you, we're going to hit some things that are brand new and you're going to be like, what? And for some of you, I think I'm going to say some things that you are going to disagree with.

or maybe have not thought about that way or might hit some triggers. And so first of all, I have to give a content warning, because I know sometimes you guys listen to this and your kids are around or if you're not, like this is a content warning. We are gonna talk about sex and intimacy and we're gonna get into some details. And so just content warning there in case you got people around and you don't wanna hear this stuff, so just.

just heads up, we're not gonna hit anything inappropriate, but it may not be appropriate for all ears. And this is a very difficult topic to navigate. We're really gonna dive in and this is so important. It's something that women need to know about men and that men need to understand about themselves. And what's interesting, you guys, life is so complex and human beings are so complicated. There's so much to us. And just because you've...

Rachel Denning (02:22.221)
been with yourself your whole life doesn't mean you understand yourself. Right? And this has been true. I mean, Shakespeare even talked about that. Know thyself is what he said. Right? We've got to learn to understand ourselves and we don't. And sometimes it's like, we'll say things or you'll hear things. I'll say things today and you're like, Oh yeah, yeah, that's totally. Yeah. Yep. I get that. Um, but it's, but it's not often the case that we can really write, wrap our minds around.

ourselves and those things and and it's very helpful when we're reading great books or podcasts or other things having conversations It finally just clicks. We're like, oh, yeah. Yeah, that's true I have felt that I have experienced that and and it's insightful and sometimes you'll hear things like no That's not been my experience exactly but you can gain insight from hearing other people's experiences and even insight about yourself from hearing a different experience for someone else and

And then of course understanding the opposite sex, holy guacamole. It's hard enough to understand ourselves having experienced it all ourselves. Like as a man, having experienced being a man for 43 years, still I'm understanding and learning things about myself and what it means to be a man. And to think, this is funny, to think I could understand women, yeah right.

I mean, it's just, there's so much there, right? But we can listen and we can learn and we can understand so much. And that's why I really wanted to share this and have for years. And it comes up in coaching all the time. It comes up especially in marriage coaching that I do and the conversations we have and the events we do the, the, what do you call it? The seminars, the retreats we do for couples and oh man, it comes up all the time. And so there's some things I just want to share openly.

bluntly even to try to add some insight. That's what this a life's all about isn't it my friends? Just gaining insight here, a little insight there, a little tidbits of information to think, I'm gonna chew on that for a while, I'm gonna think about that and let it kind of sink in so we can begin to understand ourselves and our spouses and our children and our neighbors and friends and humanity in general. So I'm gonna assume here that some of you like me or at least like listening to me.

Rachel Denning (04:49.677)
And I hope you'll still like me after this conversation. Okay, please don't get angry or hateful or stop liking me. I want to be able to speak honestly and bluntly and have a very open dialogue to bring us all to a better understanding. But I have to be able to at least hope you won't hate me for for boldly sharing my perspective. And honestly, I

Like I want to open dialogue here and people send me messages all the time and feel free to message me. Reach out to me on Instagram, greg .denning or on Facebook, gregorydenning or shoot me an email, go to my website, gregdenning .com or extraordinaryfamilylife .com. Message me, like let's have some open dialogue about this and share your perspective. And I'm just going to share my perspective, right? I'm going to share what has worked for me and what I've observed working with.

thousands of people across five continents and studying human development and peak performance for over two decades, I've noticed some patterns. And so I'm going to share. And again, I'm going to operate. I have to operate from some generalities, right? I'm going to make some statements that are general for most people, but I get, I totally get it that it's not for all people. There's always going to be somebody listening and I was like, nah, that hasn't quite been my experience. And that's okay. That's great.

And I can learn from you and hopefully you can learn from me and for me sharing this perspective and, and I'm going to share some things. And I know a lot of people attach so much meaning and so much energy and so much emotion to this. I remember that I just did a course, I did a video training in my be the man masterclass and the real man roadmap, all about meaning and what's fascinating about that. That's the one of the most.

powerful concepts I think we can consider is that everything in life only has the meaning that you give it. Isn't that incredible? And meaning is a choice. And the meaning we give it, it's optional. And so we attach tons of meaning and energy and emotion to this and certain words or ideas can trigger those emotions big time.

Rachel Denning (07:15.085)
Can you guys hear that thumping? There is a bird that is out of its mind. And it's just slamming itself against the glass again. I'm gonna go out there and gently drive it away here while I keep talking. So we can get triggered, right? And if we're not careful, those triggers, they can be...

they can stay in place, right? And they can cause all kinds of problems and they can cause us to react mentally and emotionally or verbally, or even physical actions. Like those, those triggers can stir things up. And so may I ask you to turn off your triggers for this one and just consider it. And if I say things, you know, what's interesting is we, we give meaning even down to certain words and I'll say a word. This happened recently.

It happens all the time, actually, but it happened recently in the gathering. We're talking and Rachel and I were doing a presentation. We, we said a certain word and man, I could tell there were two or three people in the audience. It just triggered them. Bam. And everyone else was like, Oh yeah, cool. I get that. But that word, for some reason, they attached so much meaning to that word and it triggered them. And you could tell they were all fired up emotionally because they gave tons of meaning to that word. And for those two in particular, it was a lot of negative meaning to a word that.

for all intents and purposes, right, our words are pretty neutral. Words are pretty neutral. They're just tools. They're just instruments that we use. But if we attach all kinds of meaning to them and emotion, wow, it stirs up. So may I ask you to turn off your triggers for this one? Just consider it. Just think about it. And if you hear something, and the trigger starts up, just calm it down and say, no, no, I'm just going to listen to this. Just kind of chew on it. And maybe set aside some of your conclusions.

what you think you already know, what you believe you are certain about. So often our greatest obstacles in life are not what we don't know, but what we think we know that just isn't quite accurate. Ooh, let that sink in. We get ourselves into so much trouble when we are so certain about something that's actually inaccurate. And in order to progress, a lot of us have to unlearn some things that we

Rachel Denning (09:35.309)
learned along the way that just aren't accurate or true. Many of you, men and women, have come to some conclusions that are off and it's actually preventing you from enjoying what's possible for you. Wow, what an idea, consider that. Many of you, and I mean this has been true for me, as I've gone through my journey and just devouring information and connecting with

cultures and places and people and knowledge and wisdom all around the world, literally around the globe, and devouring well over a thousand books and tons of information from cultures and from time periods. I realized through that journey, like, man, I had come to some erroneous conclusions that were preventing me from enjoying what was possible. And the same, I believe is true for you, for all of us. I think I can safely say that, that we've all come to conclusions.

somewhere in our journey that are inaccurate and they're preventing us from being our best selves and living our best lives. So please listen to this openly and when I say something that you have some hard conclusions about, just quiet down that conclusion and be willing to consider what I'm saying and be willing to maybe reconsider your conclusion. And I promise if you'll open up your mind and your heart,

you'll get some new things to consider today that could dramatically improve your understanding and your outcomes. Now this topic is so important and so relevant. Um, at least for three reasons, probably a lot more one for the quality of your own marriage, right? If you, this is crazy. Like we get married and then you're, you're living, you're like, you're like tied to another human being.

It's hard enough to live with yourself, but to live with another human being? Wow. And then that other human being is of a different sex and has had totally different life experiences and conclusions and, and all kinds of things going on and different feelings and thoughts and emotions. And if we, we don't study this, most people don't study this, they don't seek to understand it. They don't work through it. And so it's just this constant source of contention and conflict and frustration. And instead of working through it and processing and learning about it,

Rachel Denning (11:55.277)
Many people, I see this all the time, they just keep plugging along thinking, oh, this is just tough, this is brutal, I don't get this at all. Why doesn't my spouse think like I do? Why don't they do things like I do? Why do they just, ah, so inferior and hate? And then it just becomes this thorn and this burden is bothering. And then man, the divorces are going like crazy. And it's interesting, I'm connected with, I've been working with youth for so long and I'm connected with a lot of young adults and...

just astounding just the last couple of weeks, they've been telling me how many of their friends are getting divorced within a year. I mean, all kinds of friends getting married and getting divorced. And usually they last longer than that, but there is a rise in divorces among newlyweds. And they're just not understanding themselves and they're not understanding each other. Man. So number one, the quality of your marriage. Number two, just to understand yourself and your spouse, right? Just, just to be able to operate and be happier.

in your own understanding and understanding your spouse. And then of course to understand men and women in general, which is massive, right? Because we're surrounded by men and women and it's helpful to understand why they do the things they do. And three, to understand and teach your boys and your girls, your sons and your daughters. You have to teach them. They will not be taught this stuff in an appropriate way somewhere else. In fact, they will or already have picked up some very...

very misunderstood ideas from media, music, movies, peers just talking about it, some idiot ranting about something that's totally off and wrong. And, man, kids are picking up on this stuff all the time. And it's so critically important that we understand it or seek to understand it and that we pass along appropriate ideas because the ideas we pass on to our kids usually stick.

and they stick the conclusions, the mindsets, the ideas, the ideologies, those gets, they stick and then that might be what your kids carry for the rest of your life. And so if you have come to some really intense erroneous conclusions and you just radiate that for your, through your family, your kids are going to take that and, and they may be struggling with it already, which I see very often, or they're going to struggle with it when they move into adulthood. Woo. Woo.

Rachel Denning (14:24.013)
So let me, let me, uh, let me give this some context here. A lot of this message is, um, it is a man trying to share some insights and I'll haas from a man's perspective so that women can hear and go, Oh, well, well, that's interesting. Well, that's different. Right. And so I want a lot of my message is towards women because, um, it's been incredibly helpful to me when women had said,

have explained like, oh, this is how I think about it. This is how I experience it. And other women in the room are like, yeah, yeah, me too, me too. And I'm like, oh, well, that's really helpful because that's very different from the way I think about it or I experience, right? And there's obviously those natural differences. This is nothing earth shattering here or new that men and women are different, but what just kills me, the irony is how little we understand that and how little we acknowledge it and think through it, even in simple ways like the way...

brains operate. Again, generalities here, but a woman's brain operates differently than a man's brain. The process of thinking. And we are foolish to think it's the same. I think about it, you know, the way men think and the way women think is the same. It's just, man, that's short -sighted. So if I as a man come to a hard conclusion that women should be a certain way because I think or behave in a certain way,

That would be extremely short -sighted of me, wouldn't it? Right? But think how often we do that all the time. We take our own experience and think, well, this is how I experience it. Why, why are you, you should experience it this way too. Right? You with me on this? Like, well, that's, that's this huge insight. We kind of do it almost by default. We, we make principles out of our own experiences. We think, well, this is the way I think about it. This is the way I feel. This is the way I work. So.

You should be that way. And I see couples do that all the time. And it is such a source of conflict when a woman's like, well, why does he do that? I don't, I don't do that. I don't need that. Why does he need that? And it goes the opposite. Men are like, well, that's not a big deal to me. Why is she making such a big deal out of it? Like, Whoa, man, because we're different people. That's why. So, so roll with me on this one. If I make a hard conclusion,

Rachel Denning (16:47.373)
that women should be less emotional, right? And they don't need to cry because I don't need to cry. Like I rarely ever cry, right? And I feel like I've been really intentional and deliberate about cultivating a full range of emotions and healthy emotions and really trying to pursue emotional mastery. But I'm clearly not.

as emotional as many women are. Women, women are, again, I'm making generalities here, so roll with me. Many women are just more emotional. They're just like an ocean of emotions. And their emotions will come up and overflow. Many women have explained that it's just this ocean of emotion. It's all in there. And sometimes they'll cry or they'll just come up and it's, they're not crying about the thing. It's not, it's not that thing. It's like everything. It's just this ocean. They're just

spills over it's like this volcano of emotion that just comes up pops and okay everything's good keep going right that's way many have described it and so for me to come to a hard conclusion that women should be less emotional because I am NOT emotional men aren't emotional why are you emotional right that would be short -sighted and foolish of me right it would also be foolish to for me to come to a hard conclusion that women don't need to talk as much because I don't need to talk that much right I don't have this insatiable

need to talk all the time, but many women do. A lot of you listening and again, I'm generalities here. So roll with me. Some of you are like, I don't. Um, but many of you can relate to this. Like, yeah, I just, man, sometimes I just have to talk. I have to, I have to talk to somebody. I have to tell somebody what I'm thinking. I have to vocalize my thoughts and a lot of women and some men too, a lot of women will work through their thinking. They'll process out loud. They're processing when they're talking.

That's why you have the, you know, it's the classic iconic, you know, women talking to their girlfriends and calling their moms and sisters and just talking and then get on the phone and they can talk and they can go talk, talk, talk, talk. They can talk like crazy. And some men are like, what in the world? Like, are you kidding me? Right. And it would be foolish of us to conclude that you shouldn't need to talk that much. I don't need to. You should just deal with it. You should just control yourself. Right. You should just.

Rachel Denning (19:10.733)
you should fix that because I don't need it. You with me? You're all with me here on these comparisons? Or that women should stop fretting and worrying so much about being beautiful and being attractive and being captivating because that's not important to me. As a man, it's not important to me to be beautiful. It would be foolish of me to just say, hey, well, come to that conclusion. Like, why? Oh, stop fretting about, stop worrying about. You don't need to do that. But for many women,

And I've seen this across cultures, it's all over the world. I've yet to meet a woman that doesn't want to be attractive. Right? It's a beautiful thing. Or maybe that women shouldn't fret so much about having a nice house and being organized and taking care of their things, right? It would be unwise and short sighted of me as a man to come to such conclusions about women.

Likewise, and here we go, I'm gonna turn this now. Likewise, it is unwise as a woman to come to hard conclusions about men and particularly about sex and the way men experience sex. And I bring that up because I see it all the time, every week in fact.

and all the coaching I do with couples and individuals, it comes up all the time how, and it goes both ways, you guys, it goes both ways, how misunderstood the conclusions are, the conclusions men have about sex with women and women have about sex with men, or how women, conclusions about men and sexuality and men about women and sexuality, how we...

grossly misunderstand it because we're trying to perceive it from our experience.

Rachel Denning (21:08.077)
For example, many women assume that men just want sex for physical pleasure. Right? And just that. That's all it is. Oh, it's just physical. They're just perverts. They just want sex. It's only physical. And that they should just control themselves and exercise more discipline. And again, are there some men out there that are that low and shallow and that simple? Yeah, they're out there. And so maybe there's justification for that.

But it's not for all men and if men and women, if it's merely physical for you, you are missing out. Holy guacamole, you are missing out if it is merely physical. There's so much more to it. And again, this warning, so many women I've talked to, and men they talk to and the women are like, they just think, they just, and it's hard to articulate, it's hard to understand, right? Even as a man to just articulate this, it's not.

It's a very physical thing and it just consumes your whole body, but it's not just physical. And to make that assumption is short sighted. So please be very careful about coming to hard conclusions about things that you don't entirely understand. And we'll dive more into this deeply. I frequently meet moms who have sons.

And they're completely clueless about how boys and men operate. Well, obviously, and if they have have sons, they they're married or have had have had sexual intercourse, right? And they're still clueless. Like clueless. And you know, not to their fault, right? Can't throw them on the bus because a lot of them were never taught this. Nobody ever had this open conversation. And unfortunately, there's

there's some taboo around it, like we don't talk about it, they don't talk about it openly, or your husband, or men, like we don't know how to adequately articulate it or express it or explain it, and so we can't expect women to understand it if we hardly understand ourselves and definitely can't articulate it. And if they've never been taught, like, no joke, I meet moms that have big families, lots of kids, sometimes all boys, and no joke, they are clueless.

Rachel Denning (23:36.685)
about the sexual orientation or maybe that's not the right word, the sexual operating functions of a boy and adolescent once it once a boy hits adolescence and then then on into manhood, they're clueless, they have no idea. And when you try to introduce you know, no, that's that no way that's not it isn't you're like, no, that's how it is. And their husbands try to say the boys try and some women just won't listen, they won't.

No, they won't understand. And that's why, man, part of this, I feel this drive to share this. And that's why I'm going down a limb here and taking a risk and going to be vulnerable and open and blunt to say, no, please understand this. At least try to understand, you know, from my perspective, the way I see things and, and I know other men can relate. Like you've got to be open to this. If you have a husband and this is true.

I mean, let's lean in here too for men. You men who are listening, you gotta understand this for your daughters, you gotta teach this to your daughters, and you gotta understand it for your own sons. And maybe you experienced it, but you haven't really thought through it and understood it. If you have sons and daughters, you gotta teach them.

Rachel Denning (24:51.917)
Well, we'll say some men are clueless about their own operating systems. They are, they're all like, Oh, yeah, I felt that I guess, but I never really understood it. Right. So we've got to share this. And actually, I honestly want to ask you to share this episode. Because unfortunately, the women who need to understand this the most, probably aren't listening to things like this, that would enlighten their understanding. And that's where you come in and share this, share this a lot, talk about this.

Let's have open dialogue. I know sometimes it'll come up and it'll come up in inappropriate ways or superficial ways, but we've got to have this place where we can have open dialogue about sexuality because it is a major, major part of our lives. It's huge. And for many of us, for men particularly, it's consuming. It is all consuming. And we'll get into that in a minute, but it is a massive, massive part of our lives. And we don't even talk about it.

We don't study it, we don't read about it, we don't understand it. I've read lots of books, Rachel, I've read lots of books about it and studied it. And in many ways we're becoming sex experts because we want to help people. It's become a huge source of conflicts and problems. And if we don't understand it, it's this major, major part of life and we don't understand it, it's just going to be a source of frustration and misunderstanding and contention. Right? We've got to understand this stuff. So.

The other day we have, when we got to our place here in Guatemala, we bought lots of little bunnies because they're adorable. And so the girls are just loving them. They just hold them all day long and play with them. They're just absolutely in love with these little bunnies. Well, some of the bunnies are old enough to be adolescent bunnies and they do what bunnies do. And so we had them all out in this kind of open rabbit run we built and they were doing their thing. And I thought, you know what?

And the kids were all around and they noticed and they were kind of giggling about it. And I'm like, bam, there's a perfect opportunity right there to turn this into a teaching moment for my teens. And so we got, um, we have a few teens here and young adult. And I thought, you know, today I'm going to have, I'm going to have an open, absolute open, totally.

Rachel Denning (27:06.221)
on unlimited dialogue with my teens about human sexuality. And so we dove in you guys. If we went through everything, went through all of the anatomy and the reproductive systems organs, and you need to do this with your kids at some point. Don't don't wait too long because they'll pick up all kinds of other stuff from other people. And the curiosity might get in trouble, but don't start too soon either introducing those eyes do introducing those ideas too young.

can be problematic. There needs to be a certain level of maturity and then don't introduce too much too soon. Sometimes introducing too much can actually be an invitation to trouble because they were like, oh, I didn't know about that. And then they start thinking about it and pursuing it before it's too long. But first of all, like remember, I think we have to operate from this, from a basis point, the sex is a wonderful, wonderful thing. It's absolutely amazing.

but like most great and powerful things, it has to come with some boundaries or it can turn into an out of control fire. Will Durant talked about that. And again, there's religious boundaries right around this and expectations from churches and religions, but then there's just some societal ones. And Will Durant was, he was a humanist, he wasn't religious. And he just was.

straight up he believed he said he said humans are merely trousered apes right so he wasn't a religious man but he in studying history he wrote the the 11 volumes of a series called the story of civilization and just a great historian but he said in there he is studying all this stuff and watching civilizations rise and fall and collapse and watching how sex played out in civilizations as a whole in societies he was he was adamant that sex is a

raging fire that has to be banked and controlled and directed or it runs rampant and will quite literally destroy entire societies because it's such a powerful thing and so it has to be understood and it must have certain bounds and certain boundaries and one of those which I really dove into my kids is the ability to handle the responsibility that comes with sex. It's amazing how

Rachel Denning (29:29.901)
people just want to detach responsibility from sex, but it's not. It obviously comes with the responsibility of like the act of sex creates children. So you better be ready to handle that. Right? And more like the intimacy of a relationship and the whole ocean of emotion that comes with a woman, for example, and all the responsibility come with it and the connection. There's so much more to it than just this mere physical act for pleasure.

Ooh, it's big. So let's dive in. I just want to hit a couple points here about men. And so again, you're gonna be like, yeah, we know that already. Thank you, Captain Obvious. But consider it, think about it, understand it. And consider some things you might not have understood or see from a different perspective today. So a man's body is producing testosterone and sperm all the time. Mostly happens at night.

In fact, some of the research I've done that, you know, usually between like 10 and two, the man's body is producing testosterone and producing sperm. And a lot of men wake up hard. They're ready to go. They wake up with an erection first thing in the morning. And a lot of men, they want sex first thing in the morning. And that's the physiology behind it. Even a lot of couples I work with, they're like, yeah.

first thing in the morning, my husband wants to have some time with me, right? Or man's like, yeah, that's when I wake up, right? And because that's the physiological process, right? It's happening and sometimes it's awkward and inconvenient. You wake up, you know, with an erection and, and again, I don't mean to be inappropriate here, but just talk about some of the open realities of like you wake up and you're like, man, I got to pee and like the thing's sticking straight up and.

And a lot of men have, you know, talked about this and joked about it and these things maybe women never hear, but you're like, wow. And it can be awkward, right? And, and here's the other thing, like, and we're going to dive into that. I'm just going to just kind of share some of some of the realities after talking to a lot, a lot of men and some of the realities here that maybe you haven't understood. Uh, men think about sex all the time. And what's interesting is often unintentionally.

Rachel Denning (31:50.989)
Right. Um, and just a little side note here, men can often have erections unintentionally. They don't have to be thinking about sex or sitting there being perverted. Like I know a lot of women are like, Oh, it's just such a pervert. And I was like, that kind of like, you can get an erection and just boop like an awkward and inconvenient and untimely. So you're sitting there like, Whoa, okay. Can't stand up right now. And, and it's just,

It's just part of the process body and it starts happening even with little boys. Um, but for teens, like once you have adolescents, sex thoughts come up all the time. It's just part of being a boy and a man and, and erections and thoughts will come in. You don't have to sit there and be thinking about inappropriate things for the thoughts or the, the physiological reaction to happen. And women need to understand that. And it's not talked about, right? Um, men,

Men want really we're just we have this drive in us. And it's a nature to you seen a nature with a raging bull or a bull elk or you have dogs that'll go to any length to get to the females. But it's a drive, the sex drive is in us. And it's interesting, I will hear couples all the time like women are clueless, nobody ever told them about it. And so they get married and they're like,

Whoa, holy guacamole. Who's this raging beast of a man I married? Like I didn't know about this part, right? And they're, they're shocked like this, this is a monster. He just wants it all the time. And, and it is, there's a driving force. Now not all men have this, but most of the men I've talked to are like, yeah, there's, there's a drive. They want it. And sometimes they need it. Like it becomes all consuming.

I'm serious, it's intense. It's hard to articulate, it's hard to explain. But wives, please don't dismiss it. Don't tell him just to deal with it. Don't tell him just to get rid of it. It doesn't work like that.

Rachel Denning (34:09.101)
Like, well, and we'll come back to the talking thing, right? Some of you women have this insatiable need to talk. Maybe you can relate that way. You're like, oh, I just, I have to talk to someone. And you, and maybe you have little kids around, you haven't had an adult conversation. You just, you just need to talk. Rachel explains this because it's important to her. And she explains it to a lot of women she talks to. She's like, she's like this need that I have to, even to talk to me, right? She'll explain this this way. And it was so insightful. She's like, I just,

Some days you're gone and when you come back, I need to talk to you. Like it is all consuming. I have to talk to you. And if I, as her husband, were just kind of just to dismiss it and be like, Oh, you know, babe, I'm tired. Not today. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Or I'm busy or I'm distracted or no, I, why do you need to talk? That's weird. Just, just deal with it. You don't need to talk. And she's like that, that's a comparison for her. She's like my needs. Sometimes it's all consuming need to talk. If, if,

If she just, if I just dismiss that towards her, that's comparable to her just dismissing my need sometimes to make love to her. Right? So you can maybe relate to some of those things. You have to talk or you feel like you're going to go crazy. Some of you need to clean and organize and it becomes insatiable. And if you don't clean and organize, you feel like you're going to lose it. Well, it's the same with men and

And please don't disregard this and think, oh no, it's just this physical thing and he just needs to control it. That's not the case. Now, obviously there's a natural side to this, which the way we were created, the way I believe God created us to draw us powerfully to our wives. I think the sex drive, one of the reasons for it is literally to draw us in an extremely powerful way to draw us to our woman. Otherwise,

Men might just be wanderers and nomads and vagabonds and go off adventuring and not return for years or decades like we saw it throughout history, right? Now, obviously there is a dark side or can be a dark side that unfortunately is often fostered and cultivated by unprincipled people and things and that is allowed or even encouraged to run wild and destructive. And...

Rachel Denning (36:33.645)
just because there's a dark side of it or can be a dark side of it doesn't mean it's a dark thing. And I know a lot of people maybe because of their religious upbringing or because of, and again, I grew up very religious and we're very religious and spiritual family, but you see a lot of it, they attach this meaning and this misconception to it being a very bad thing because it can get out of control and it can be dark.

but it doesn't make it dark. And one of my sons, he was, when we were having this conversation about men thinking about it and it always occurring, and they, I mean, they get it, right? As young men, they get it. And it just starts, it just comes on. When they hit puberty, it just starts happening. They're like, whoa, they just start noticing girls and they start, those thoughts start coming up and they start having erections. And it's like, what in the world? And it's not intentional. And my son was like, man, why does it happen so young? Like what, that's crazy.

and I don't know why it happens when it happens. And he mentioned it was interesting. He shared something real insightful. He's like, those thoughts, sexual thoughts, pop up without any provocation. And he says they especially come up when I'm not really focused on something. He's like, if I'm working on a project or I'm really studying, it doesn't come up. He's like, but if I'm just kind of chilling, listening to music or doing something, I'm not really engaged. He just naturally, those thoughts occur. He doesn't have to think about it. He doesn't have to.

There doesn't have to be provocation. There doesn't have to be stimuli. And I can experience this too as a young man. It just started. It just, bam, it would just, the thought would come up, the occurrence. And it's not, so I really want to share this and understand and help you share this and kind of teach it and think about it and just wrap your minds around this. Like it's just this natural part of being a man. And it's there and it's a reality. So, man, it's interesting. And not only do men think about it a lot,

But it becomes, like I mentioned earlier, overpowering. It can get intense. It can get insatiable. I'll just be straight. It becomes consuming for me, and I have a really strong sex drive. And man, if I go three or four days without sex, it becomes almost, I don't know, unreasonable even. It's illogical, but it is.

Rachel Denning (38:59.469)
It's intense, it's insatiable. And Rachel goes, she goes away like she's on her annual mom's trip away where she just gets time away from family everything to just relax and think and read and write. And she's away right now. And man, it just, it becomes all consuming and it's distracting. And for a lot of young boys and men, it doesn't go away. You can't think about something, it's distracting. It's just constantly in your.

It disrupts everything. It's it's just it means is it becomes insatiable and all -consuming It's a monopoly of the brain and the body and it doesn't just go away and and women need to understand this wives need to understand this Here's another element here. We're gonna hit shift some gears men are visually stimulated and again, you know that right you get that but I want you to wrap your mind around it and both men and women you understand that for some reason we are hardwired and

to be visually stimulated, way more than most women. We're wired to be attracted to the visual beauty of women. And I think that's a good thing.

But honestly, it doesn't matter what I think or what you think. It just is. And nothing that we opine about it changes the fact that men are visually driven. That is exactly why pornography exists. It's funny. It's funny. People, they get so triggered about pornography. And again, just, just from a research understanding, just from a physiological and psychological.

state there's so much research you can do on this. There's an organization called Fight the New Drug, which is phenomenal and you can learn about this and understand it and understand the psychology and the devastation. Pornography is super destructive. It just messes with your head and yourself and your marriage and your relationship, your sexual understanding. It is super, super destructive. So outside of any religious doctrines or thoughts or other things,

Rachel Denning (40:58.509)
like just the simple psychology and physiology of it. It is super destructive. And there's tons of research around it. You can, you can do all the homework yourself, but the reason, and, and, and people get so fired up on it as they should and fight it. And, but they don't understand why like, Oh, what is that? Oh, that's horrible. Terrible. You're like it exists. It's a gigantic industry. It soon will become a trillion dollar industry. If not already, it exists and it thrives simply because men are visually stimulated.

Period. It just is.

don't fight it, women, wives, work with it. Right? It obviously men and women, because we are visually stimulated, we need to control it and we need to direct it. We can't let our sight or our thoughts run wild and out of control because it'll get us into trouble and you'll end up doing things you regret.

But to be visually stimulated in and of itself, it's not perverted, although it definitely can become that way if not directed. It's actually a good thing and an important thing. And so far, far more than most women, like some women are visually stimulated, but men are just visually stimulated. Like everywhere we look, it's just, it's drawn into us and that's a big deal. I'll come back to in a second here, but don't.

Don't fight that wives. Work with it.

Rachel Denning (42:35.885)
Use it. Like facilitate it is what it is. Don't don't don't dismiss it because there now. Well, an interesting little side note here, it can actually be really protective, like especially of daughters, for example, who pick out a really immodest outfit that mom thinks is really cute. And dads are like, Oh, no, you're never wearing that. Because as men, we know what boys will think about it. Right? So

it's there and it's it's a different that's right. That's why again, this almost understood like, Oh, no, it's so cute. And the husband's like, Don't you dare wear them. Like, what are you talking about? Right? It's because we see it differently. So men beware and wives help them beware TV series and shows movies, Instagram, Facebook. Like this, what what you might be seeing wives is going to be quite different from what your husbands are seeing. You might be watching this cute little romantic

TV series and all he can see is the cleavage that's right in the camera. And again, I'm being blunt here, because it's a reality. And I know a lot of good, good men. And please don't misunderstand me here. Like I want to I want to understand like most men deal with this, if not all men, and good men try to control and direct it, but it doesn't mean it's not there. And it doesn't mean they're not wired to be this way.

and a lot of good men have talked, they've just been open and honest about like how difficult it is when there's, when the, and that's why a lot of men will avoid it altogether or struggle with it because when you're watching those shows or the movies or your Instagram or Facebook, like a lot of, there's a lot of immodesty out there that's borderline pornography. And there's a lot of, even if it's not intentionally modest, which a lot of it is, unfortunately, you start in your head, you start comparing and you start focusing on that. And it's,

because we're so visually stimulated and so our bodies just naturally are driven towards this. It's, it's there all the time. And so you have to be super careful not to compare or to think inappropriately. The gym is even a dangerous place because men just pick up on things. They just notice it like it's in our hard wiring. It's there since we were young boys. Like we, we notice it. We notice things that women are completely.

Rachel Denning (44:56.685)
completely closed it out. They won't even notice. Women walking in, they don't see a thing and men are like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, ho, yee, shah. It's all over the place. So the gym can be dangerous. Pools, beaches can be dangerous because we are visually stimulated.

So again, these are all things you just consider. Some girls, many girls, perhaps most, are clueless. And some few are quite conniving. They get it. There was, you know, there's trips going on. There was a trip recently that was being led and I noticed and my boys noticed. Well, and immodesty is just, it changes with times, but certain societies are very immodest and...

Particularly, well, just the clothes get skimpier and skimpier and smaller and smaller. And many girls just are like, oh, it's cute. It's in style. And they have no clue what that means to the boys. When girls see all that skin, they're like, wow, it's cute. And boys see all that skin and they think it's cute too. But it's a very different cute. Are you with me? Like, so sometimes women are clueless. They're just clueless about how their bodies.

are being seen all the time. You can see this walk through, walk through any area where there's a lot of people, a crowd, you know, crowded streets somewhere around the anywhere around the world, malls, any walk past the construction site, like wherever men pick up on it, men notice it. And I'm constantly watching. I'll walk through with my daughters and my wife and I'm picking up. I see it all the time. And I can see all these men checking them out and girls walk through and they, they are clueless.

They're like, oh look, there's a flower here. Oh, look at that pretty building and this and that. They have no idea all these men are just checking them out. And pay attention, watch it. Watch it. Watch how they look them up and down and they say things they're talking about. Like it's just, it's just part of how it is. Men are visually stimulated.

Rachel Denning (46:59.757)
So you've got to be aware of that. And a lot of girls are clueless. So teach your daughters and be aware of yourself. And again, this isn't, I think it's a good thing. It's obviously misdirected and perverted and twisted and distorted in a lot of ways. It can be a very good thing. And it ought to be a wonderful, fantastic, much used thing in your marriage. Your husband is visually stimulated.

Take advantage of that. Like, use it for great things. Rachel does. Oh my goodness, how grateful I am for that.

Rachel Denning (47:41.229)
Just use it to your advantage inside your marriage. Right? But teach your kids and be aware of it outside of that. Now some few are very conniving and they do it on purpose. And they know what they're doing and it's dangerous and it's unfortunate. And they do it on purpose and it's happening on social media and in life. And unfortunately many girls they know how it works or at least have an idea of what responses they get and so they use their body to get attention.

I see that often with girls who are struggling with insecurities. They use their body to get attention and to get, you know, to get noticed. And that's not the way to roll. Okay, so wives, man, there's so much to this. You guys with me on this? There's like so much here and I wanna have this dialogue and I wanna have the openness. I just wanna share this perspective. I hope this is helpful. I hope this is helpful that at least you're thinking through it and considering it and just like, okay, this is.

There's something I think about, something I need to understand, something I spend some time writing about and talking about with kids. And as a couple, please open up and have open dialogue about this and help understand each other. There's two great books that I love. One's called, well actually there's several great books I really love. Now the four I'm going to mention, they're written from a very Christian perspective, but you don't necessarily have to be Christian to get some of the value from what they're sharing, but in both cases they're Christian couples.

One's Wild at Heart About Men and Captivating About Women. And then the other one is For Women Only and For Men Only. It's kind of a pair of books that go together. And it's super helpful in our understanding, explaining a lot of these concepts and ideas. It's worth studying. So wives, perhaps you could be more grateful that your husband wants to have sex with you every day. A good, loving man.

does. It means he's amorous. It means he loves you. I know for me, the more I love and adore and appreciate Rachel, the more I want to make love to her. It is it is a driving force. And at first, you know, I'm never she was frustrated. I know a lot of women are frustrated like, Oh, seriously. We had sex last month. What's your problem? And they don't realize that that's, that's attraction. Pity the woman.

Rachel Denning (50:05.549)
whose husband does not want to make love to her all the time. And there are cases, many of them actually, where the wife has misunderstood and rejected him so many times that he either begins to die inside or he redirects his sexual energy somewhere else. But this stuff does not go away, ladies. His drive doesn't stop. You may be able to go without sex for a long time, like a camel in the desert, right?

but he cannot. It doesn't go away. It gets stronger, sometimes painfully so the physiology of it. And it actually drives temptation. Many good men have been driven to temptation by misunderstanding wives. They didn't understand the drive, didn't understand the love, the attraction, the affection. Now I'm not, I am not excusing any behavior here, but as a man, I get it. And I want to share those insights.

Many good men have been driven to porn or to adultery and fidelity because of misunderstanding wives. So women don't fight it. Work with it. Be sexy. Be attractive. Give him something to look at because he's visually driven. That's just that we're hardwired that way. Your man is visually driven. So he's going to look.

He can't not.

So give him something to look at. Lean into this. Don't let yourself go. Unfortunately, and again, you guys, I'm going to be blunt. Don't hate me. Don't stop liking me. And don't misunderstand me either, but I'm going to be blunt here. It's so common. It is so common to just let yourself go. And for the most part, like, well, just recently I noticed multiple times.

Rachel Denning (52:08.365)
But I've been seeing this for decades. I just noticed like for some reason we get married and we think we can just let down our guard. We don't have to take care of ourselves anymore. We take up permanent residence in our sweats or we gain a lot of weight and I see this a lot. Just last week, I saw these pictures, these couples a couple months ago. It wasn't that long and then just happened to see pictures. My kids are like, oh, hey, look and pictures and man.

They had put on a lot of weight, a lot in just a few months. And it was significant. Now please, please, please, just don't misunderstand me here. But very often for the most part, being overweight or obese is an outward manifestation of an inward problem. And almost always there's some kind of emotional issue tied to it.

And obviously there's some poor habits tied to it too. It might just be poor habits of eating unhealthy food, too much food or too little exercise or something, right? But, and man, again, I'm going on a limb here on a risk and some of you might be triggered by what I'm saying. And I'm not trying to be mean or rude or inappropriate. I'm just saying, like, be sexy, be attractive, be healthy. Don't let yourself go. Some of you stop getting ready. And again, this goes both ways, right? This goes both ways.

Be attractive to your spouse. Some of you like, if you just get in your work clothes and you never get done up anymore, you never get out of your pajamas, you don't get up and do your hair, or ladies put your makeup on and get dressed up, or men, same way, get dressed, I mean, be attractive, and this goes both ways. Why is it, why make it hard for your spouse to be attracted to you? Make it easy. Make it easy, make it fun.

Make it sexy, make it attractive. Wives, like maybe you need to do some sexting with your husband. Be more prerocative. Like don't fight this. Use it. Use it to make your marriage and your sex life wonderful.

Rachel Denning (54:20.813)
I've come across over the years, multiple times where women have said things and I'm like, Rachel and I are just like, oh, we just felt so bad because I'm like, you totally misunderstood it. I remember one woman, we were having a conversation. It was Rachel and I and she was there, the husband wasn't there. And something came out, I just passed it like, oh, he just wants to have sex with me every day. I'm like, oh, I just told him, he just needs to control it. He just needs to discipline himself.

It's like the reason it happens is just so he can learn how to master himself and discipline himself. And I'm like, oh, both of us, Rachel and I were like, no, poor guy. Like he just loves you and he wants to love you all out, completely, fully, everything. And Rachel said this, she's like, she was interesting. He's like, he cannot love you completely without being completely himself, which is that drive as a man to want to make love.

And she was essentially telling him to turn down the love that he feels for her. Really? Seriously? You actually want your husband to love you less? No, I don't think so. But without understanding him very well, you're asking him to love you like a woman, not like the man that he is.

If you want your husband to love you intensely, then the highest expression of love, it's very emotional actually, leads to sex. And it wants it every day. You with me? And again, I'm trying to share perspectives here. I'm trying to be open here so we can wrap our minds around this. Some women and men are coming back to this.

this idea of not taking care of ourselves, we just stop taking care of ourselves. We think and say, you know, um, well, okay, I'm going to lean into this a little bit more. You guys with me? All right. We, we still good here. Is this helpful? Again, don't let this trigger you. Don't hate me. Just understand this perspective. Like, just work with me here and just take some ideas away from this. I just want you to have to take away a couple of things like, okay, that's something I want to talk about. Something I want to focus on something. I want to change some conclusion. I want to alter.

Rachel Denning (56:45.421)
But if we stop taking care of ourselves...

And then I've heard this. Sometimes we think and then we say, oh, well, he should just love me as I am. And this goes both ways. She should just love me as I am. That's bogus. Baloney. Like I told Rachel when we were dating that I would never ask her to love me for who I am.

In my mind, that is very short -sighted and almost arrogant. Just love me for who I am. Love me as I am. What? Do I think I'm so special and so great that I have nowhere else to go? I have no more improving to do and you should just love me exactly as I am? And in some ways, it becomes this pious attempt at an excuse for not improving. Trying to make it noble or more righteous by asking her,

to still love me as I settle for less than my best. I would be a very different person than I am if I just let myself go, if I lowered my personal standards, if I became lazy or gluttonous, if I developed all kinds of unresolved emotional issues that led to poor physical conditions or poor behavior.

Who's with me on this?

Rachel Denning (58:12.749)
Some of you can relate to this because your spouse has kind of just let things go. And some of you can relate to this because you have kind of let yourself go. And you stop taking care of yourself. It is totally uncool and even inappropriate for me to ask or demand of my wife to keep loving me the same, even though I digress. To ask her to love me as the person she chose to love.

while I become another person, a different person that is quite honestly less lovable.

You're rolling with me on this? I don't wanna be misunderstood here, but if I develop some bad habits and I kinda let myself go, if I just become lazy, overeating, and put on all this extra weight, and don't take care of myself and all this stuff, and yet I still expect her to love me as she fell in love with me? As I digress, you with me? It's not fair, it's not cool. I need to take full ownership of me. I need to be in my best, best self, my best health.

Now, I'm gonna share an experience. I've not shared this with anybody. Okay, and I'm nervous. I'm actually nervous to share it, because I don't want to be misunderstood. And I know some of you will be like, oh, you little dirty rat. I don't want you to think less of me here. You with me? Can I share this and you don't think less of me? And this is just a perspective I have, a big holistic perspective. Rachel and I were in a conference one time, and the presenters pulled this couple up.

on stage and it was so wrong in so many ways. They had a very fixed mindset up there and they were using social conditioning and again, fixed mindsets and social pressure. So they brought this couple up, newlywed couple and they were just going through, there was some really great things. They did some great things, had some beautiful things, but then at one point she was like, she's like, okay, you know,

Rachel Denning (01:00:20.205)
she's likely going to gain a bunch of weight and if she gets totally overweight and obese, are you still going to love her? And she said something like that. I was just like, Rachael, I looked at me like, what? Like it was, it was this fixed mindset of like, well, that's just what happens. Like she's going to get, and because the presenter was totally overweight and had some, you know, some stuff like that. But again, please don't misunderstand me. I'm not trying to throw anybody on the bus here. I'm trying to illustrate a principle.

She was giving this girl license to let herself go and she was forcing him to be okay with it. And Rachel leaned over to me and said, she's like, I'm glad that wasn't us. Cause I know what you would say. Right. And like, honestly, I'm like, yeah, I would have been like, uh, yeah, I'll love her differently. And maybe even love her less if she becomes a different person because Rachel, as my healthy, hot wife and Rachel 40 or 80 pounds overweight are not the same person.

Right? She would have changed. Now this, please don't misunderstand me. This is not a shallow judgment of her physical form. It's far, far more than that. It's understanding the inner workings that are causing the outer conditions. Some of you, and again, this goes both ways. Some of you, some of you men have let yourself go and you're struggling with some things you're dealing with or not dealing with some things that are making you really unpleasant and making you hard to live with.

and making you hard to love and you need to check yourself. This is me being just lovingly honest and blunt. You need to fix that crap. It is not fair for either spouse to be pathetic and yet expect our spouse to just deal with it and love us. Some of you are playing the victim. You're not taking full ownership of your inner workings and your outer results.

So I want this to be a call to action here to do what you need to do to resolve your inner issues that are causing your outer results. Get the tools, get the training, get the coaching. Whoa. I just, um, I'm Rachel. Rachel just launched this. So I created a be the man, the be the family man workshop, right? It's just awesome. Awesome. Awesome stuff about what men need.

Rachel Denning (01:02:44.653)
And it is, it is powerful and helpful for both men and women. And in fact, several people have purchased it because they want to share it with their youth. And I'm like, yeah, young men need to know this and young women need to know it. So they know what kind of husbands to choose. These young men know how to grow up and be men. And so this is good for men and women. And this would be so powerful, so valuable to go through. But you guys jump that you can go to extraordinaryfamilylife .com and grab this workshop, be the family man workshop and go through it so you can understand yourself.

Men, you can understand yourself and boys and teach it to your boys and girls and women, you can understand your man. But go through this stuff. And so you guys, I hope this has been helpful, right? I'm just sharing perspectives. I know I'm kind of all over the place and sharing these ideas and saying some things that might have hit some triggers and might have hit some things you disagree with or shared some things you're like, oh, that's a different way to look at it. And please, please just accept it in the way that it was given. It was given.

with a genuine desire to help, help bring understanding, insight, and perspective, at least perspective. If you think about it differently, okay, great. But is it serving you? You have to ask yourself that. Are my conclusions serving me? And in a great many ways, I see this all the time. I would have to be blind, deaf, and dumb not to see, you know, these common denominators that are causing problems. So many of these conclusions, these ideas, these beliefs you have about sex,

about your role in sex, about your spouse's role in sex, they're off. And it's not serving you, and it's not serving your spouse, and it's not serving your marriage. And please be willing to reevaluate some of your conclusions. Some of you pick some stuff up from negative experience you had with your parents or in dating or early in your marriage, and you came to some conclusions that aren't serving you. And I actually want to invite you to lean in to sexuality.

An absolutely extraordinary sexual relationship is available for you and your spouse. Incredible. Like a loving, bonding, connecting, unbelievable part of your relationship is available to you. And if it's available and it's possible, then you should be enjoying it. Both of you should be enjoying a phenomenal sexual relationship as a great

Rachel Denning (01:05:13.453)
element of your whole relationship. It's not all of it, it's part of it. Man, sometimes it feels like all of it, especially for men. It feels like it's, you know those times I talked about when it's like, it feels like it's the only thing that matters. It's literally all consuming. And if sex is good, everything is good. And if it's off or it's not happening, oh man, it feels devastating. It feels like your life is falling apart and your marriage is falling apart. And I know it's not rational, it's not logical, but that's how it feels. That's the experience.

because men, most men are very, very driven. And if it's done well with, if you have a good husband, he's a good man. He wants you and he needs you physically, sexually, and it's an emotional thing. It's a love thing. It's the most intense emotion. Yes, it's a physical experience. It's amazing, but it's the most intense emotion that many men will ever feel in their whole lives.

emotion of making love and and knowing that wives want it too that she actually desires it and desires him he needs to be needed by you he needs to be wanted by you wives and men you need explain this to your wives and you'll both all need to have open dialogue i hope you are both listening to this and i hope you share it with other couples and other people

Like this, it needs to happen. And this is obviously isn't all inclusive here, right? But it's just some perspectives that I hope are introducing ideas and thoughts, considerations, topics for conversation, things to write about, think about. But check your conclusions, guys, please, please, please, please. If you've had negative thoughts or ideas about it, if you thought, oh, he just needs to control that, oh, it's perverted, it's wrong, it's inappropriate, you know, all those conclusions, rethink them.

If you haven't been using his visual, and men you too, if you haven't been using your visual stimulation to your advantage in your marriage, use it. Men, use it. I would tell you some personal specifics, but it might be too personal in our marriage, but Rachel uses it. And I'm so grateful for it, and it's a good thing.

Rachel Denning (01:07:37.197)
because it's part of my wiring as a man. And so we use it inside of our marriage so that I don't ever need to use it outside of my marriage. You with me? Man, there's so much here. So, you guys, if you have more questions about this or concerns or different perspectives, shoot me a message on Instagram or Facebook or my website, shoot me an email. Talk about it, be open about it. If you don't know how, if there's something you're struggling with, ask.

We have a in our extraordinary marriage course we did an entire module on sex and dive into all of it into the the anatomy the the physical sides of it and how to make it pleasurable it needs to be super super pleasurable for both Unfortunately, we found out through working with a lot of couples that a lot of women aren't aren't enjoying it physically near as much as they could They're not just not being

stimulated enough and there's a few things you can do to just totally change that or there's a few things you could do to increase your desire to want it more and men those of you men listening you have a major major responsibility to actually help her desire it more there's things you need to understand about women and about your wife that would help her help you and her in a major way have a better sexual relationship and it's your well

It's her responsibility ultimately, right? But you have a responsibility to facilitate it and make it easier for her to be open to it, ready for it, and make it more enjoyable and help her desire it more. So you guys, this is all just said with love and concern and caring, wanting to help. Or wanting to help, this is just genuine desire to help. And I hope I haven't hit too many triggers or made you not like me or angry at me or whatever is frustrating. You can send me messages if you are.

I'm sure I didn't do this adequate justice and maybe I said some things in a way that could have said it differently or better to be better understood. But I just I genuinely just want to help and we've got to we have got to understand ourselves better and understand each other better. And wives talk to your husbands ask about these things so you can understand them and how.

Rachel Denning (01:09:59.021)
It works and help him understand himself.

and make this, it's in our wiring, it's in the way we were created, it's not going away. And so instead of fighting it, let's learn to work with it and use it to actually make our lives better. That's the most powerful thing I can say right now, I guess. If we learn how to use this to make our lives better, instead of leaving it neglected and undone and fighting it so it makes our lives worse. So instead of being a source of contention, it can actually be a phenomenal source of connection, but we've got to work on it.

All right. Love you guys. You're the best. Thanks for listening. Thanks for staying on this long and listening to this stuff. And thanks for having open hearts and minds and just take this, chew on it, think about it, consider it and think, consider how you can make any adjustments in your own mind, in your own life, in your own marriage, and then bring it into your family and make this, it's an important part of who we are. It's part of being a human being. And so it needs, it deserves the attention to get it right. Love you guys. Reach out for it.