#151 What Husbands NEED to Know About Their Wives

Rachel Denning (00:01.602)
Good morning! Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of the extraordinary family life podcast. We, thank you so much. We've gotten so many great responses. In person, I've had people call me and message me. I've had coaching clients like, you know, oh, thanks so much for those last few episodes, especially the episodes on sex. And we've gotten so many messages, great messages from people who really connect. And in fact, we've even got messages like, nope, not me.

I don't connect, but it's been, that's been more rare and they've even been connect or relate. Oh, there she is. She's here. That was a sneak in like, Oh, I'm here. Connect or relate. But it's, it's been really awesome. And so we're super grateful. And actually, can I, can I ask a favor? If you've heard something in any of the episodes from this podcast, would you give me a favor? Cause we, Rachel and I, we want to share this with as many people as absolutely possible. We want to get this message out.

to as many families and couples as possible. And one of the ways to do that is if you guys leave a review. So would you go leave a rating or a review or a comment on the podcast? Wherever you listen to the podcast. Wherever you listen to it, just leave it. If you don't know where, just go to iTunes, look up the podcast and just leave a review, right? Go ahead and click five stars and say it's the best thing you've ever heard.

Leave whatever review you would like. Yeah, just leave your review, but it just helps, right? It's social proof to share. We want to get this message out with so many people. Okay, so today, my friends, we are super crazy excited to kind of carry on this conversation and answer some questions that have come in from ladies, from the wives, and some really, really thoughtful things that they've asked and said,

For us, it's a blast to think through all these perspectives and to think through all these different options and alternatives, things where... Points of view. Points of view, right? That's the key element there. You get so many different points of view. And when we hear about it, even on a somewhat regular basis, I think we can safely assume like, okay, there's more than a dozen people experiencing this. This is probably...

Rachel Denning (02:25.134)
fairly common for some couples and we want to address it, right? Cause we want to help. So we're recording in our van as we travel the world. It's a great place to record. And for some reason, the radio just kicked on. Sorry about that. Okay. Ready? So here's, I guess we'll start with, with these messages I've got and I've gotten them over the years and we, wow.

all of you, will you please acknowledge that if your spouse is a really good person and they want a great marriage, like they're going to sincerely do everything they can and they want you to do everything you can to make the marriage great. Like don't take that for granted. Be grateful for that. But realize, so here's a specific example.

I know Rachel is just a phenomenal human being and I know she wants an extraordinary marriage. So I can safely assume she's going to work on herself but I also have to know she wants me to work on me. And like that in no way makes me resentful. That in no way is threatening to me. I'm not going to say that, just accept me for who I am woman. What am I not good enough?

Like we had that conversation we were dating, you remember that? And before we get married, I'm like, babe, I would never, ever ask you to love me for who I am. Who do I think I am? I think I'm so great right now as a 23 year old that you should just love me for who I am. I've always had this healthy idea, like I'm going to keep leveling up and I'm going to keep leveling up and I'm going to keep leveling up.

for her to want me to be better is actually fantastic. Would I want a wife that doesn't? No, thank you. But I have to settle that in my mind. Like if my wife wants me to be a better man. It's because of love, not because she doesn't think you're good enough. Which is kind of true. I mean, honestly, none of us are good enough. I'll just say it so she doesn't have to. Brother, you're not good enough.

Rachel Denning (04:49.226)
Now, if you shed some tears for a minute, that's okay. Wipe them off and buckle up, buttercup. Like, and I can speak to the men like this. And I get it. And there's this big thing right now, and I know some of you might start sending emails right now because I just said that you're not good enough. And you're like, everyone's good enough, Greg! What are you doing? People are good enough. Because I know it's a big buzzword right now to be enough. In fact, I just literally had a coaching call. All right, I gotta say this.

I just literally got off a coaching call and I said to her, you are enough. And I mean it wholeheartedly. So it's maybe the two sided coin where I said, gentlemen, you're enough. Don't beat yourself up about it. Don't be insecure about it. Don't cry yourself asleep every night because you feel like you're not enough. But I can also in the same breath say, hey buddy, you're not enough. Level up. Let's go.

Once we gained this understanding in life, which I'm about to explain, it really helps with so many aspects of life, with everything. And that thing is this idea of the two-sided coin or the dichotomy of life in everything. When you can learn to realize that there's two sides to everything in life, and that's okay, you can accept two opposing views at the same point, you know, on the same point and...

that's actually okay. So you can accept that you are enough and you're not enough at the same time. Exactly. And that's very healthy. It doesn't have to be one or the other. You don't have to feel like striving for being better is wrong because you need to accept yourself as being enough. You can do both. And that's how you find this healthy balance of saying, I am enough and I'm going to work on being better. That has been an underlying theme in our marriage on every...

topic practically. Literally from when we started dating. Yeah. That you can be both things. That life is a dichotomy of seemingly opposing...

Rachel Denning (06:55.49)
contradictory views or positions. Exactly. So I don't I don't have to like I can love myself and be absolutely comfortable in my own skin and I am and yet at the same time simultaneously I am totally discontent with where I am because I know I can be better and so I can do both. Right. So I personally today I'm gonna talk to the gentleman and brothers I'm gonna I'm gonna speak

And here's why. I think many of you, if not most of you, are living far below your privitas, far below your potential, in particular when it comes to your marriage and your relationship with your sweetheart and as your family. And there's all kinds of awesomeness you could be enjoying with just a few simple tweaks. I'm not throwing you under the bus here and saying you're a schmuck, right? I'm just saying, hey, there's a few little things you might just innocently be missing.

and not be aware of that could totally transform your life and your marriage. So here we go. And this came from some specific request to us from wonderful women saying, hey, would you mind speaking to the men? And here's what's interesting. In fact, can I say this right now? Please all of you, I beg of you, do not make it hard for your spouse to talk to you and make requests of you.

Why make it hard for them? It would just be so wrong of me to make it really uncomfortable and difficult for Rachel to be able to come to me and say, hey Greg, I'd really like it if you did this better. That should be the easiest thing in the world for couples to do. At any moment, she should be able to come to me and say, hey Greg, I don't like how you're doing this, or could you do a better job of that? And even if I feel defensive or whatever, or even I might, and I don't have to always accept everything she says.

I might be able to, well let me explain how I see it and let's talk through it and have a different perspective here. But I never need to make her feel bad or make her afraid. Oh my, whoa. Gentlemen, if you have made your wife afraid, to be honest with you.

Rachel Denning (09:11.71)
Ooh, it makes me want to put you in a submission hold. Practice a little Krav Maga. Don't do that.

Do not make your spouse afraid to be honest with you. I mean, we understand that it comes because of the way we were raised. It comes because of our own fragile egos. It comes because of a lot of reasons. We get that it can be hard. We know that. We're not discounting that. But what we're trying to do is provide a different perspective. Wait a second. It shouldn't be hard. Let's try to make it easy.

Let's try to make things better by not being so hyper sensitive, right? Or defensive, or all of these things. Like that, that's the ideal. We're setting an ideal for you to work towards. Love it. I love doing podcasts with you, babe. Because she can be the gentle side of the coin, and I can be the fierce side of the coin. And it's so nice. It's so nice. OK, here we go. So one of the questions that came in just said, hey, so...

I and several of my girlfriends, and again this is a common thing, we love our husbands and we want amazing marriages, but sincerely we feel neglected. I'm speaking with women who are genuinely and sincerely meeting their husband's needs, even their sexual needs. They're working at understanding them, but it's not...

that connection and sex isn't a real connecting experience due to husbands continually neglecting their wives. And the fascinating thing is this isn't an intentional neglect and it's not from guys who are bad guys. I hate to use this, good and bad, but like they are good guys and they're trying to be good husbands but because they misunderstand their woman's needs.

Rachel Denning (11:14.85)
the woman is feeling neglected. One, because it's very difficult, unless you study a lot of psychology and different things, for, as the woman, to even totally understand what it is that you need. And then to be able to articulate that in a way that your man can understand that. Like Greg and I have had to work long and hard to achieve that, right? It's not easy. It's very challenging, it's very complicated. So with the best of intentions,

This woman's doing everything she can to meet her husband's needs. And again, we're not saying she's perfect at this either, but she's feeling that her unique and different needs are not being met and fulfilled. And so, well, and we're going to get into this because she's giving, but starting to feel resentful and women will do this. It's not, you know, they're not trying to be the martyr, but they will give.

and give and give. It's their nature. It's in their nature to the point that they begin to become resentful because they think that someone will obviously you'll just give back to me and you'll give me what I need but after a while when that doesn't happen they just feel resentful about it. They may not stop giving they may continue to give but all that happens is the resentment continues to build. And the flame slowly dies out.

So we'll get into all that and we'll get into how men and women kind of keep score differently. So yes, we understand it's hard to understand and some of you gentlemen are like, dude, I don't know who knows what a woman needs. I can't figure this out and I'll be the first to admit like after Rachel I worked on this a lot. I still and this happened yesterday even we're having this conversation.

And in my mind, it doesn't make any sense. But I catch myself and I say, okay, this doesn't make sense to my man brain. But I know now enough to understand this makes sense to her woman brain. And I need to acknowledge that and work with that. Even though it doesn't make sense to me. Exactly. I'm like, that math does not add up. That arithmetic is off, but it's different math, man. Right, exactly. And.

Rachel Denning (13:33.674)
What's happening is because it's almost like the men and women are speaking different languages that sometimes, and this is the thing, men are like, well I'm doing what she's asked. She's asking me to like do the dishes or different things and I'm doing those things. But what's challenging, because I'm going to admit here, women are complicated, okay? I'm a woman and it's still difficult to figure myself out. But because we are so complicated.

that very often what we're saying isn't exactly what we mean. Because we don't even maybe know what we mean, right? I know, I know. That is so true because a man's like, wait a minute, you said this. And you're like, yeah, but I mean that. Like, yeah, but you said that. And men are very literal. Because, okay, this is the best way I can explain it right now. It's like if you had a picture in front of us, say we have a gorgeous painting here in front of us.

That's what's inside a woman's brain. And then the man is saying, explain this picture to me. And I have to look at this painting, and I'm like, well, I guess I'll start over here with the trees. And so I start talking about the trees, and you're like, OK, so it's about the trees. I'm like, no, it's not about the trees. And I'm like, why did you talk about the trees? I'm like, I don't know. I just picked the trees, OK? So I'm trying to explain the painting without you being able to see it.

and only being able to use words, which have to be concise and specific. And so I start with that, but it's not concise and specific. It's the entire scene, right? But unless I do a lot of talking, you'll never actually see the entire scene. That's a woman's brain. And a man's like...

just tell me one sentence or less. Exactly. What it is. Just tell me what I need to do. She's like, I just need to talk to you for hours and hours and hours. So I can describe in detail every aspect of this painting, and then you'll understand. So before we dive in, though, I'm going to hit this message, and we're going to address specific things that women ask for and desire. But we want to address first, and Rachel, I've talked about this a lot.

Rachel Denning (15:55.798)
this idea of needs. Now that word needs can be defined differently and we know some well-known presenters and people think, they just grasp on this idea. A need is something you have to have or you will die. So you got to have food and water. Air. And air. And those are your needs. If you don't have it, you'll die. Anything else is just a desire. Well, because in the last podcast we touched on the fact that intimacy...

sexual intimacy is a need for, especially for men, and I believe emotional intimacy is a need for women. And we did get a comment, someone saying, well that's not actually a need. Needs are things that you're gonna have, if you don't have them, you're gonna die. And okay, technically, yes. But we're not here to try to tell you the things you have to do to stay alive. Have to do to stay alive, right? The purpose of this podcast is to help you thrive.

to have an extraordinary marriage and an extraordinary family life. So we're not here like, if you don't do this, you will die. Okay, what anybody can talk about that. We're trying to get you to level up and in order to level up, there are specific needs. And in fact there is a hierarchy of needs. Like Maslow has an entire pyramid on the higher.

hierarchy of needs and he calls them that. They're psychological needs. I did five podcast episodes on that pyramid. So they're all in there go back and listen to them and they're all needs. There's a lot of detail around them. The very top of the pyramid is self-actualization, which means like living your mission, your purpose. Now is that a need? Are you going to physically die without that? Well, maybe not, but trust me you are not going to feel fulfilled and alive if you are not

self-actualizing. So when we discuss needs this is what we're talking about. We're talking about psychological needs. Like many women if not most have a quote need to talk to be heard to be seen to connect intimately through conversation. Now will she die if she doesn't get that? Not literally but she might die inside. We have seen the side effects of women who have not

Rachel Denning (18:20.11)
do not have those needs fulfilled and they are not as healthy emotionally, mentally, spiritually as they could be if that need was fulfilled. Absolutely. And then there's somebody else kind of synthesized Maslow's stuff and put it into the six human needs that we need. We need certainty. We need uncertainty. We need love and connection. We need significance. We need growth. We need contribution. Those are the six human needs. Right?

There's lots of needs. There's lots of human drives that are driving us all. And so when we talk about needs today, we're talking about the needs we all have. Pretty much anytime we talk about needs. Yeah. This is what we're talking about. Like all these needs. And again, the needs are, the goal is an extraordinary marriage, not just a good marriage. If you're interested in good marriage, sorry, this podcast isn't for you. Don't listen to anything. Don't read. You just go through life, just taking care of whatever you feel like taking care of and you'll be good.

fact your life will fall apart. Okay let's dive in here we go so she says look will you please Greg talk to the men and help them see this and so yes gladly I will joyfully put my arm around my brothers and say hey let's level up fellas let's

Let's help our wives. Well, and even this point right here. Women who are sincerely meeting their husband's sexual needs and working at understanding them, but it's not being a connecting experience for the woman due to the husband's continued neglect. Now again, I believe that this is not intentional neglect. It's just unconscious or unaware of neglect. Yeah. Right? So that's what we're going to talk about. So let's hit her points.

And we'll add some points. Some of these are our points, some are her points, and some of her points were like, yeah, I've been talking about that for years, and I'm gladly ready to reemphasize that thing. So first one is all around health and fitness, fellas. Your health and your fitness does have an effect on your relationships, and this is hard to hear, but it's true. And it goes both ways. It does go both ways. In fact, I had a coaching session just this morning about that very thing, and it was one.

Rachel Denning (20:37.206)
very, very good man who...

was willing to say, look, I love my wife and I'm focused on it being attracted to her and only to her. He says, but it's honestly harder when she's unhealthy. And the same is true going the other way. It does. It's a rough truth, but it's still a truth. It hampers the enjoyment of sex and attractions, especially when a husband is significantly overweight and not caring for their health. It's almost like a, it's all, I, maybe we can see it like this.

perspective. If I'm not taking care of my body, I'm kind of inadvertently and directly sending a message to Rachel that I don't care about our relationship and I don't care about life. And if I die unhealthy early death, well, whatever, I'm out. And it's sending this message like, I don't care about you. You see what I'm saying? And you're like, what? No, how could that be? But think about it, man.

Well, from a psychological perspective, if you do the research on this, you see that very often unhealthy behavior, including obesity, well, including the results, which is obesity, are caused by something that is off in the psyche. So it could be a lack of self-respect. It could be...

negative experiences from your past. Like there's a lot of things that go into this but essentially the reason most people are unhealthy and we're using the word unhealthy because that's what it is. We're not talking about being overweight or being fat or any of that in like a shaming sort of way. Or looking a certain way. It's not about that. It's about being healthy. And being healthy is unique for each person. Your level of health is going to look and feel a certain way for you

Rachel Denning (22:29.572)
and feels different from everyone else. Like I have a Tongan friend who is very healthy and weighs 300 pounds. Whoa. So the point is you want to be your healthiest self. That's just a good thing. That's a positive thing for you to be your healthiest self. Now the things that are keeping you from being your healthiest self.

are leading to things like being overweight or not being tired, exhausted, low energy, all of these things. Just feeling like crap all the time, not sleeping well, low libido, all of it. And all of that has a direct impact not only on yourself but on your relationship and on your spouse. So yes, in many ways it's inadvertently sending this message that...

I don't really care that much about myself or about our relationship. Now compare that to when you were dating and you know, you go out of your way to try to look your best, smell good, you know, like take care of yourself.

because you want to attract this other person into your life. And so if you're not doing that same attraction type behavior, it is sending an unconscious or not deliberate message that I don't care as much as I did back then. And if you're not trying to be attractive, what are you trying to be?

Well, the reality is you're becoming unattractive. We're trying to be really honest here at Direct. If I were to pick one thing, if I'm working with a new coaching client and they've got all kinds of stuff to work on, what's the one thing, the most important thing, you just have to start with this one? I'd say get your health back. Make it an absolute priority. Get your health in awesome condition and stay there for the rest of your life. I know a lot of guys, and I've had a couple interactions

Rachel Denning (24:35.464)
of gentlemen who they're just kind of disconnected from their wives and I was like, and both times I'm like, I'm gonna take a guess here, I'm gonna take a shot that they're out of shape, overweight and unhealthy. And in both cases, spot on, right? Because it just, you start, you lose your vibrancy, you lose your spark, you lose the spring in your step, and you just start existing and you don't feel very well. Well, and sometimes we've heard this as well in the past from...

Rachel Denning (25:04.15)
women sometimes who say, well it's actually switched in my relationship. I have more of the libido. I have more of the sex drive than my husband. And very often, one of the reasons that is, is because their spouse, their husband is unhealthy. So,

If they were in a healthier state, maybe their libido would match their spouse or, or surpass it. We don't know, but you can't say that, Oh, this is the case if, if the part, each partner in the marriage is not at their ideal level of healthiness. Exactly. So make this a priority gentlemen, take absolute ownership of the condition of your body.

and get after it. Make it a huge priority. Do whatever changes you have to do. I have a friend that lost, in fact two, and an uncle that lost over a hundred pounds. And man, life is totally different for them because that's so awesome. Okay, next. Putting boundaries. Putting boundaries on work life so you can be more involved with kids' lives and family life rather than being on your phone all the time or disconnected in other ways. Women

it when you are not connected. When you're gonna be there, like be there. I and I've told this to Greg before. I'm like if you've got stuff to do on your phone, go somewhere else. If you're gonna be with us, be with us 100%. Women like that. They want you to be there when you're there.

And a man might be thinking like, wait, I'm here, but I'm right here. Like, what, what? Just because I have a game on or just because I'm answering some emails or texts, like, what's the deal? And what does that? This is where we go as men. We like, what does that have to do with you and me? What does that have to do with our sex life and you loving me just because, like, I got some work to do, woman. I'm working for you and the kids. Right. And also I get defensive and like, I put in all these hours. I work so hard. What's the problem? And all of a sudden, it becomes a source of.

Rachel Denning (27:12.29)
instead of a source of connection. So yes gentlemen, work and when you work, work hard. Be absolutely successful at what you do. In fact, smash it. Master it. Be world-class at your work. But then set those boundaries and be done. And the science is very clear that people are ultimately more successful

when they set boundaries around their work. And then have recovery time, which family time is definitely a recovery time. If you do it right, if you don't know how to do that right, then you need to listen to some of Greg's other episodes. But set boundaries around the time that you work, and when you're done working, be done working.

and then be engaged in your family. Many of you, I'll just say straight up what I've seen after 25 years of researching this and working with thousands and thousands of people, many of you are struggling to set these boundaries because you have not developed and cultivated the skill, the habits, the systems to be productive. You're just not very productive. And so you feel like the only way to get more done is more hours, and that's just not the case. That's actually a faulty.

way of thinking. Right? So and again like if you need the tools and the resources and the training around health and fitness, around productivity, around boundaries. Energy management. Like this is this is why I built my master class for men. Like that's exactly why I did this because I'm like I gotta give these guys the tools and the training the resources and the concepts, the mindsets, the heartsets, the skill sets, all of this so that our lives can be fully optimized. So yes you need hard boundaries. Hard boundaries.

and maybe you turn off your phone, literally turn off your phone, airplane mode your phone, or leave your phone in the car in the garage, and when you go home you don't bring it with you. Maybe some of you, I'll just straight up say it, some of you gentlemen need to get rid of your TV. Yes, I said it, and yes, I'm talking to you. You're like, that's a little extreme, man. Is it? Is it extreme?

Rachel Denning (29:23.15)
Again, we're trying to teach you how to thrive here, not just live. So some of you have a need to get rid of your TV! Greg and I bought our very first TV as a couple last year. We've been married for 20 years. And we only bought it because we have an Airbnb that needed it. And they are going to want a TV there, so we got that. And here's why. There's some really key principles here. Many many women.

And if you're like this, I bet your wife has felt this, and maybe she's expressed it, or maybe she didn't know how to express it. Many women feel like they are second place to their work, to their husband's work. Or they're second place to sports, or the TV, or the phone.

And if you want to have a less than awesome marriage, just make your wife feel like she's second. In fact, I would go so far to say that unless your wife feels like she is the most important thing in your life, she's feeling neglected.

Rachel Denning (30:30.402)
That whole podcast could have been right there. There it is. That's it. That's it, you guys. No, and let that sink in. Now, I know some of you men are mentally wrestling with that right now. You're like, are you kidding me? I bust my butt. I get up early. I stay up late. I work so hard. I dedicated my life to learn this career and do this. And I do it all for her. It's all for her and for the kids. I do this for her. Of course she's first. But gentlemen, you have to show her.

If she doesn't, I'm just gonna butt in, if she does not feel like she's the first, all of that is for nothing. Exactly. It's a waste.

Rachel Denning (31:10.622)
And you're like, but I tell her every day that she's my most important thing and I go to work for her Gentlemen, it doesn't work. That just doesn't cut it She has to feel that she is the most important thing in your life the number one thing you think about that you adore her above all else and It man it has to be above

Sports and your buddies and your adventures and your phone and making money and being successful and getting that title in that position whatever else and One of the ways to do that is what we're talking about You simply need to be with her and the family because she loves it when you're giving attention to the kids, too That's actually really sexy guys. It is sexy

which we'll talk about that more in just a minute, but you need to be giving your full attention to the family when you're with the family. And of course, what we talked about before, like taking care of yourself. That helps her feel like you care about her when you take care of yourself. Yep, love it. So, gentlemen, set some hard boundaries. Do it right now. In fact, ask your wife, say, hey, sweetheart, what boundaries would help me with this balance so you don't feel neglected by my work? And I get it, gentlemen.

Some of us, our minds, we get focused on work and we can work all the time. I get it. And some of us, for some of us, especially you entrepreneur type or you guys are all in, it feels hard to turn off your brain. Like it just keeps, you're like, I can't control my brain. It just comes up with work ideas right now. Like...

I get it. Keep a journal. Carry a leather journal with you and capture your ideas and address them when you're at work. But set some hard boundaries. Ask your wife to set those boundaries and then agree to them and keep them. And that's something Greg will do. I mean if we're together and he has a thought or whatever, he's like, I'm going to capture a thought really fast. And I'm like, oh yeah, that's fine. Great. Capture your thought. But then he's going to come back and be fully engaged. Yeah, beautiful. Okay, next.

Rachel Denning (33:11.69)
Alright, so another thing, take interest in leading the family, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and in the condition of the home. This right here, women love this. Because do you know what? Whether she works or she's home all the time, she is constantly...

going, doing things for the family every day. And many women are very self-sacrificing. They will buy things for their kids before themselves. They will take the kids to things for themselves before they'll ever do anything for themselves. They are very self-sacrificing and they're constantly invested in the improvement and well-being of their children, non-stop. That's what they think about.

Rachel Denning (34:05.226)
come home and actually take over for a little while, you're like, oh my gosh, like this is amazing. It is so sexy, it's so like relieving and supportive.

to have him be like, I'm going to, you know, take charge of bedtime. I'm going to lead a discussion. I'm going to, whatever it is, like do your thing. It doesn't even have to necessarily be something specific. Like you could ask her, like, what would you like me to do? But if you just took charge and like, okay, we're gonna do this thing. We're gonna have this talk. We're gonna take.

whatever. Like she just wants you to be involved so she's not the only one always doing all the things. Which again in your mind you're like, that's not true I do lots of stuff. Well right, but according to the woman's mind she's the only one doing all the things all the time. That's how it feels. Now the man-brain, whether that's logical or not, or accurate or not, exactly that's how it feels. So the man-brain right now is like, well that's not fair.

I've been working my butt off. I don't ask her to come to the office and work with my clients or my patients. I didn't ask her to work on this project. She didn't have to come to the work site and like use the shovel. I'm tired woman. And like, isn't the home your role? Isn't that your job? Like how am I supposed to expect you to come on when I'm exhausted and take over?

Right? And it's just, this isn't fair. And I'm going to add this because I know this has come up a lot. Some men will be like, okay, I'm going to come home and I'm going to do all that stuff. And they're doing it all thinking, this will change things. My wife will appreciate it. I'll get lucky tonight. We're going to have more sex. This will be great. And the wife doesn't respond. She's like, Oh, well yeah, thanks for taking care of that. And she goes to bed or she goes off and does her own thing. Right? So I get it. Like I get, we've heard this, we've heard all the sides of this and the conflict over the roles.

Rachel Denning (36:07.416)
and well if I take over then and honestly some women instead of operating in self sacrifice, they operate in self sabotage and they don't help out and they don't take on the role and they have some bad habits they're carrying. So again we get that this is complicated but in an ideal situation we're all aiming for ideals here. You're gonna re-energize, you're gonna come home. Well that right there, what you just said is a very deep and complex topic that.

cover many podcast episodes about re-energizing. But that is.

a key to this entire thing. You have to just generate some energy before you get home and you have to be ready. You have to disengage and separate what happened at work and what happened during the day is done. It's over. You have to re-energize, revitalize, clear the slate. Again, here's a perfect case where men and women keep score differently. You got to come home and say, okay, what happened at work is work. Done. That section of my day is over. I draw a line.

happen. The evening is different. This is both of us together raising a family environment. So I cut that off. I can't come home and say, well I've worked all day because I'm dead. I can't do that. I can't do that because I cut that off. One thing's over I close that. You can do that but you're not going to thrive and have the extraordinary marriage we're talking about. And so that seems fair or not.

this is how it works. And this is me lovingly looking you in the eyes, gentlemen, and saying, you got this. It doesn't seem fair. But you can do this. Level up. You have to be the man. Be the man. And show up.

Rachel Denning (38:00.374)
for your wife, show up for your family, show up for the condition of your home, show up to be a leader spiritually, mentally, emotionally, educationally, financially. And I'm just going to say it, like you earning the money isn't enough. Well. Ready?

Like you mentioned here before that women don't keep score the same way. And if you listen to like Men Are For Mars and Women Are For Venus, he talks about that in the book. But if there's a whole checklist of things, going to work is one of them. Check done. But

In your mind, you're like, that's a big, huge chunk. That's like worth lots and lots of points because I went to work all day. In her mind, she's like, that's one thing on the list. We still have all the rest of the stuff on this list. And if you aren't doing other things on that list, you're not earning more points with her. Now this may or may not seem fair, but this is how it works in a woman's brain. And when you learn to work with that instead of fight against it, that's when things get really good. And amazingly,

That's when your woman starts to adore and respect you and like idolize you because you are the man. Many of you unfortunately are You're not you're not showing up fellas And you want your wife to respect you and admire you but You're not being very respectable and you're not being very admirable

And I know that doesn't seem fair, but I'm gonna throw this out. This is what I learned when I was young and it changed my life. A fair is where pigs win ribbons, dude. So stop with this whole fair business. Be a man. Right? Men aren't interested in going and winning ribbons with the pigs. Okay, next. Here we go. One of those things you got to do when you get back. Actually, you got to do it all the time. You got to do it during the day. You got to do it in the morning before you go.

Rachel Denning (39:59.51)
During the day when you're sending little text messages and emails and little videos and little voice messages, you do it when you get home and right when you get home throughout the evening and before bed, you do this all the time. Ready? It's to show affection. It's to show appreciation, kindness, admiration in the daily interactions and an interest in alone time together to talk.

We've addressed that and we're gonna keep addressing that. One of the things you have to do is, one of your roles is to come home and listen. Well, that's what's actually kind of meant. When a woman says she wants to talk, what she really wants is for you to listen. Thank you for the clarification there. She does not want your input. Unless she specifically asks, what do you think about that? Or what do you want to say about that? Then she wants you to talk, but otherwise you can literally just sit there and listen.

and have a few, mm-hmm, yeah, I get that.

She will just love that. Those are new sounds for many of us. Yes. Like, uh-huh. And I'm just like, I have all the solutions to your problem, woman. Just let me solve your problem. I don't need the solutions. I just want you to listen and say, yeah. See, that doesn't make sense to the man brain. Again, we've talked about this, but I've got to reiterate it. It doesn't make sense to the man brain to sit there and just listen to her. It sounds like complaining. And ladies, don't be complainers. Don't be nagers. But for many women, it's different.

I just want to share how they're feeling about that thing. Now for men like, well, if you feel that way, let me go fix it right now. And she's like, I don't want you to fix it. I want you to listen. I want you to understand how I'm feeling. That's it. If I feel like I'm understood, I can fix my own problem.

Rachel Denning (41:51.162)
I often know what the solutions are. I just need to tell someone about them. And to me, who better to tell than my husband, who's agreed to share this whole partnership of life with me? I could go to my girlfriends, and I could go to my mom, and I could go to someone else. To me, that feels like complaining. But if I go to my husband, who's my partner in life, I'm just sharing how I feel. I'm relieving the emotional burden by simply telling someone else about it.

Every time she does that, gentlemen, I have to bite my tongue and remind myself she wants me to listen to her and not fix her problems. Because I'm sitting there like, why does she feel like this? She didn't feel like this. If that's a problem, she should just take care of it. What's wrong with her? Good night. And, ah, right? And I'm all frustrated. And she's getting more attracted and more connected to me. And I'm sitting here like, oh, she says one more thing about the stupid, right? We're going in different directions.

and say, I'm just gonna listen. She just wants to be heard. And that's where she feels great. And if you're not careful, you'll feel like crap. But you can feel great and then remember you're connecting. Now in this too, it's dates. You guys go on dates.

Somewhere, somewhere, somebody set up. And plan the date. Yeah. Exactly. She is making decisions all day long. All day. So am I. At work. She's doing stuff. OK? She's...

taking care of all the kids and ordering groceries and all of the things. She does not want to have to plan a date with you. I cannot even count how many times this come up when coaching sessions. I'm like, look, lean into your wife and okay, we do dates. And I'm like, are you planning the dates? Like, well, no. I'm like, let me ask out of curiosity. Would your life, would your wife like you to plan the dates and invariably they're all like, Oh yeah. Oh geez. Oh, she would. Wow. That would be amazing.

Rachel Denning (43:51.752)
I'm like, step up, brother. Spend a little time preparing and come up with some good dates. Plan it. Make some decisions. I mean, ask for her input, but come up with some things. It works. And do, somewhere socially, we came up with this one day to week kind of idea. I'm like, OK. What if you did two, fellas? What if you did little mini dates?

Now that doesn't exempt you from a good date every week, but what if you did mini dates? Rachel, I went on a bike ride yesterday. It was awesome. I loved it. She was... I loved it too. Okay. No, I did. She was pretty occupied with some... I'm getting used to riding a bike again. But go on mini dates, micro dates. Do romantic gestures, fellas. Come on.

Step it up. So I had a coaching session last night, which is a great guy. And I was like, hey man, like, you almost get a little bit dorky, right? Where, and I told him, I'm like, when I'm away from Rachel, like, I miss her, even if it's just for a few hours. And I'm like, I can't wait to see her again. And he's like, that sounds dorky. I'm like, yeah, be dorky, dude, be dorky.

And it's just a choice. Like, yeah, but we've been married for 20 years, man. So what? Be excited to see your wife again. Be excited to hang out with her. Can I tell you from the woman's perspective how much I love that? It does not get old. Every time Greg sees me, he gets excited about it and gives me a hug, even if I was just in the other room for like 20 minutes. And I love it. I absolutely love it.

And I tell her how beautiful she is and I tell her how much I appreciate her and I tell her how much I love her. And I know some of you are like, dude, I told her that last month, okay, and nothing's changed. Does she have short-term memory loss or what? Kind of. Yeah, exactly. Women kind of have short-term memory loss. I know you told them they're beautiful yesterday, but today she's wondering, right?

Rachel Denning (46:09.278)
And it's true. She wants to hear it every day, if not multiple times per day. It doesn't get old. Now the only reason it would get old is if you said it the exact same way, the exact same thing every time that gets old. And if you're checking a box. Creative like, thank you so much for.

putting away the dishes. Here's what I failed for a while. I was super generic. Babe, thanks so much. I love you. I really appreciate you. You're awesome. That's all. And she's like, awesome at what? I'm like, well, like everything, babe, you're awesome. You're just the best. She's like, well, no, like specifically. Well,

all of it. You're like the best wife and mom and she's so sick of these generalities right? Yeah. Because my simple brain is like and I do this in my brain I'm like she's amazing and her brain she's like well name some specifics. Specifically what am I amazing at? I'm racking my brain like this would take me this feels like a college essay where I'm like racking my brain for how are like don't make me do that.

But she appreciates the specifics, that you notice the little things. And I'll be honest, many of us gentlemen are not very good at that, are we? At noticing specifics. So that's a good gesture there. One more thing that we lean into hard is time away as a couple. Move heaven and earth, brother. Do whatever you have to do. Find babysitters. Earn extra money. Like...

Make it happen so you have time away just as a couple.

Rachel Denning (47:45.066)
And we try to do overnighters, I don't know, probably every other month we get on some kind of overnighter. And then usually once a quarter, maybe twice a year we do, we'll go on something that's two or three nights away. But then every year we go on 10 to 14 days away, just us. And we'd need couples trips. Man, that kind of stuff is such a gigantic investment in your marriage. It's huge. So please.

Please, please, please make those investments. And I can't tell you, like from the woman's perspective, it is so rejuvenating to go out, first of all on dates, and then to get away with just your spouse because you actually feel like a woman again. You're not just a mother. You're not a wife. You're like a woman.

who's attracted to a man. And that's how it started. And who's being pursued by a man. Right. And if I don't have those regular reminders that I'm actually a woman who's attracted to, married to, pursued by a man, it's easy to forget and to not care that much. Because there are plenty of other things that can distract me and keep me busy. Like, there's an endless list. It never ends.

So if I don't have those regular reminders that I'm, besides all of those other roles, I'm also a woman, then the marriage relationship just starts to die.

And I might add, gentlemen, one of your responsibilities is to help her remember that. Have you felt the frustration like I did, like once the kids started coming? I kind of felt like she forgot she was my wife. She's like, oh great, she's just a mom now and I'm... Another child. I'm just another child. Who, I'm left, I'm just a provider here so she can be a mom with her little kids. Right, exactly. I got left behind, right? And she has to be reminded of that. That I'm a woman. By you.

Rachel Denning (49:50.672)
know what like whatever works for your relationship but buy her a new dress and take her to a fancy restaurant remind her that she's a woman and you're pursuing her like this kind of stuff is so important it's so good right ah so okay couple other things yeah let's hit it let's hit a couple more stuff and then we'll be done so we just want to touch on this again that some women well many women give

Rachel Denning (50:22.438)
and as a result they end up feeling neglected and being resentful. Even if they're married to a good man. This doesn't mean that their husband's having affairs or addicted to porn or whatever else. These are good men, but because they don't understand a woman's needs, her psychological, emotional, mental needs, these women feel neglected.

because those specific needs are not being fulfilled. And when she tries to articulate them, the man brain doesn't understand it and discounts it as being unimportant. Because in his mind, he's doing the things he needs to be doing. He's being a good husband, and he is. But for her to feel truly cherished, fulfilled, adored, and not neglected,

there are certain things that he needs to be doing. Now... And if he doesn't do that, he also feels useless. Right. So sometimes women with the best of intentions, man, they do so much and give so much, and their man begins to feel kind of useless. Right. And so if you are a very capable go-getter woman, that's great, but you as the woman have to be aware of this danger.

Men need to feel needed. Now gentlemen, if you're married to a go-getter, do not retreat. Do not settle. Don't just allow her to do everything. You have to level up in other ways. Yeah, at the very least if she's handling...

everything great. First of all, ask if there's something she would like you to take over, whether that's the budget or the grocery shopping, the laundry, whatever, something, and then take on that role and do it very well. Or if she literally has it handled fine, find something else. Like go to the next level, earn more money.

Rachel Denning (52:32.574)
Make a bigger contribution, like not in a way that neglects her, but in a way that contributes to what it is she's trying to create. This legacy, this vision, this life that she wants to live. Like how can you add to that? How can you contribute to that instead of just sitting back and writing her wake? Right, because well like, oh everything's taken care of, she's rocking it, I'm good. And you start to coast and fellas, there's only one way we can coast.

And it is not to the top. She's climbing up and you're coasting down.

and that's going to ultimately lead to your divorce or something else. Now we get it, like some of this came from past conditioning, from the way you were raised. Some of it came from when you were married. This happens a lot with wives who have to take over everything while their husbands go to graduate school or pursue a career. And then all of a sudden the wife becomes very capable, very confident, very independent, and men start to feel like they're not needed or they start to relax a little because, well, she's got it, right? And that just leads to an unhealthy...

imbalance. So I guess like we covered a lot of stuff here and I want you gentlemen I just want to give a sincere invitation for you to lean in and level up not that I'm gilting you shame you or even adding so much more to your plate.

Like we're asking you to do things that make your life and your marriage so much better. Life is actually easier, richer, more fulfilling, more exciting, more romantic, more sexy. All of that when you're doing this stuff. And it takes awareness, it takes some training, it takes some reconditioning, it takes some rewiring of the old thinking and changing some mindsets. It takes you leveling up your game.

Rachel Denning (54:27.792)
You got to optimize your life because if you're like I can't do anything at night I just got it sit down have some downtime right compression and so I just got to watch some TV and While I get that I Also realize there. I know because I've studied this and done this for so long. There are way healthier ways to reenergize and rejuvenate and get renewal instead of just downtime

And I'm going to be totally honest here. Some of you gentlemen are married to amazing wives who keep giving because they're givers, who keep serving because they're servers, and you're receiving things you don't deserve.

Rachel Denning (55:14.126)
I'm saying that with love, fellas. But you're getting some things you don't deserve. So my message is, deserve it, man. Earn it. Earn it!

it. You'll feel better about yourself and your wife will be way more attracted to you. And there are little things you can be doing that I don't want this to be taken wrong but it'll help your wife or prepare your wife. It'll help her prepare herself to be more intimate and more romantic and more engaged. So take ownership of this. Take total ownership for the condition and quality of your marriage.

Lean into this, man. And if she's already intimate, and you feel everything's great, well, you need to make sure she also feels the same. Yes. That she's not feeling that she's neglected because everything's great for you. Yes, yes, yes. Some of you might be listening to this thing and, no, we're good, man. We have sex all the time. Great sex. My wife takes care of everything. Like, things are so good. And it might have been your wife who sent me that message.

So I'm just being straight here. Ask your wife. Don't just assume everything's great, man. Does she actually feel like her needs are being met? That she's being cherished, adored, and listened to?

Or is she just meeting your needs in an effort to be the best wife possible? Exactly, because she's all in. She loves you, adores you, wants you in a couple of marriages, so she gives, and you're like, dude, things are good around here. Right? Don't, don't do that. Don't be that guy. Do not be that man. Okay. Let's, let's lean it. You guys, and we're sharing this because marriage can be so good.

Rachel Denning (57:15.486)
and so romantic. I had a conversation yesterday with someone who has been through multiple divorces and pretty crummy marriages. It was just heart wrenching. I just sat there and my heart was just broken and at the same time I was just I was overcome.

with gratitude for our marriage. Our marriage is amazing. And we work on it. This, it just isn't luck. It's not have or have not. Like, oh, you guys are so lucky. We both work on it. And if you're the only one working on it, that's great. You can transform your marriage if you're the only one working on it. I promise. But it starts with you. And so, man, do whatever it takes because life is so good.

when marriage is good. And when Rach and I are driving together, like I can face anything. But if she's mad at me or I'm mad at her, it's all over, the sky is falling, what's the point of anything? Right? It feels like that. So, we love you guys, thanks for listening. If you know.

Well, of course you know couples. Share this. Share this with other couples. Share these podcasts. Like I asked before, leave a comment, leave a review. A review, that's what it is. Leave a review and share this. Just take a picture or a screenshot right now, wherever you're listening to it, and throw it on social media. If you want help with any of this stuff for men or women. Or have more questions. Or more questions, send us questions. We'll do more podcasts. Or jump in. Like grab, buy the courses. Buy the training.

Invest in your marriage. It's one of the, and in yourself. It's the best investment you guys will ever make. Extr Yep. Love you guys. Reach upward, go smooch on your spouse right now. Or send a message or whatever. Just do something. Invest in your marriage right now. Love you guys.