#153 When Being a Good Person Produces Bad Results

Rachel Denning (00:00.654)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of the extraordinary family life podcast man after seven months and like 17 ,000 miles We're back to our home base after an epic road trip with unbelievable adventures and Crazy things. It's fun. It's fun to think about like the first

half of this year was just pure adventure and memories from the most stunning remote jungle waterfalls to connecting with beautiful wonderful people from all around the world and man just ah so much goodness and we led some trips and had all kinds of great adventures and oh it's

It's awesome, you guys. This is what it's all about, is collecting memories. You know that with us. That's what we live for, is to collect memories and experiences and to make life special. So we're back, we're ready to load up. I'll give you a little teaser here, my friends. Both Rachel and I are working on our books. We're each writing a book and you better...

Buckle up, get ready for some awesomeness, because it's coming. And Rachel's is going to be about our wandering adventures, and she's such a phenomenal writer. And the way she tells, you know, the way she just teaches and tells stories is magical. So I'm excited to read her stuff. And then I'm writing my book finally about men. It's for men. It's helping men be men.

Whoa, this one's gonna be, it's gonna be awesome. So get excited about that. We'll be sharing things here and there and sharing the excitement and sharing bits and pieces and love to hear from you guys when you read sections or chapters and oh man, those are exciting times. Very, very exciting times. There's one more thing, before I dive into today's topic, there's one more thing I really wanna, I feel like I have to do. I have to raise kind of a voice of warning.

Rachel Denning (02:28.11)
There are some, and maybe you've heard people say kind of things like this and throw it out there, but it's actually happening like right now in front of us. It feels surreal, like weird. Like this is the stuff you read about in the past and those, in those crazy societies that later fell apart. There's the things you read about in dystopian novels, like the crazy, scary fiction ones, but it's happening right now, legitimately happening.

And it's deeply, deeply concerning. And the main thing I want to mention today is there's a full on attack from both government and big tech. And I know as soon as I start saying things like this, it sounds all conspiracy theorists, but roll with me here. There's an assault being made on freedom of speech.

And that's, it's almost always the first step towards totalitarianism or authoritarianism or socialism or any kind of form of tyranny when we start censoring what other people can say. And I get it. And I'm sure some of you are like, hey, yeah, but there's a lot of misinformation out there. There's a lot of bad crap out there. And I get it. But what...

price at what cost do we start censoring the things that we don't like and and who gets to decide who gets to decide what we don't like who gets this be the one pushing the button so to speak to censor and actually deep deplatforming people is now a thing and and doctors who are raising their voice saying hey no we're looking at the research and sorry it doesn't line up those guys are being deplatformed.

They're being censored. They're being threatened. They're being fined. Like major stuff. And I get it like, okay, well yeah, but we don't want misinformation out there. We don't want things that are wrong out there. But my friends, roll with me on this. We have to tolerate some misinformation and some bad information. You know, if somebody's really racist or just really ignorant, has just...

Rachel Denning (04:57.39)
Stupid ideas. We have to tolerate the stupid ideas so that the good ideas can have the freedom to be shared. You with me on that? That's part of the exchange rate. It's part of the package deal. If we're going to have total freedom of speech, we have to tolerate some stupidities. And it's actually a good thing. It's a good thing to have it out there because it teaches people how to think. Instead of creating an echo chamber,

or this really sculpted narrative and, you know, you can only say things that kind of fit in what we think and whoever the we is. You with me? And when they start encroaching on our ability to just share our ideas and opinions, and you're like, yeah, but we've got to protect people, we've got to help people. And I get that and I hear you and I understand that. But at what cost?

And those messages always study history, you guys dig in, dig into the history books and you'll see this again and again and again. It's always for the good of the whole, for the good of the people, for the good of the Republic, right? That's always the narrative when they start taking away freedoms. And I'm almost done with the Gulag Archipelago.

right now and if you have not read that or listened to it, get the abridged version because the three books on abridged is huge. Unless you want to go after that, you love that stuff and go the full range. But I got the abridged one so it takes the three books and kind of abridges them. Still phenomenal. Still majorly long. But and it's hard. It's a hard read. It's a hard listen. But it needs to be heard because we have to be reminded. It's unbelievable to me.

This was happening while my mom was a little girl. And my mom's still alive, you guys. This was happening in my mother's lifetime on this planet. It is unreal. Well, it's unreal that it ever has happened. It's just unspeakable. But it all started with little movements towards the century. Right, now that might sound a little fanatical. It might sound a little extreme. You're like, oh geez, come on.

Rachel Denning (07:22.158)
It's just one little issue, stop comparing it to something extreme. But in almost every instance, as I've just deeply dug through history, it all started like that with one little instance. They just start encroaching a little bit at a time, and then it spirals out of control. And the people in the moment saying, hey, well, this feels a little off. And I'm like, no, it's not a big deal. It'll never go that far. It won't get that bad. Again, I'm just quoting from the history book here.

This isn't my opinion. I'm just sharing stories from history and patterns. So we all need to do whatever we can in our own space and frame our own circle of influence to protect our freedoms. Man, this one's big. We've got to protect our freedoms. It's a big, big deal. So it's happening right now. People are being shut down and censored.

I know of a doctor I've loved absolutely loved reading his stuff over the years as he's talked a lot about fast intermittent fasting and ketosis and exercise and healing like natural ways to heal the body. I mean just phenomenal phenomenal stuff. You shut him down. The government the government stepped in and shut him down because he was sharing research actual numbers. Ironically.

from other universities and other organizations who've done research and they report their findings and say, hey, this isn't holding up. What you're saying doesn't match with the research. And so he publishes that and they shut him down. And again, okay, let's roll with it. Let's say he's dead wrong. Let's say those organizations are dead wrong.

We have to tolerate that in order to maintain our freedom.

Rachel Denning (09:19.15)
All right, something to chew on, something to chew on there. All right, ready? Let's dive in. Ladies and gentlemen, it is not enough just to be good.

It's not enough just to be good. And that's an interesting statement because our default thinking is that if we're a good person, it'll be enough, right? Good people, thank you for being good people, by the way. The world needs lots of good people, so keep being good. But by being good, and those of us who are striving to be good, the kind of default thinking, the kind of the back of our eyes, like just be good, just be a really good person. Just don't.

Don't do wrong, don't do evil. Don't, you know, wallow in darkness, right? And that's true, and that's good, that's fantastic. But it's not enough, right? Because, and here's why. Well, let me tell a story. I've told this story before, but I wanna repeat it, because it hit home so hard. My wife, her grandma was in her 90s.

And Rachel, we were living, I can't even remember where we were living, we were living somewhere in Central America. And Rachel flew back to spend some time with her grandma. Her grandma was getting very old and frail and we knew she was gonna pass soon. So she came up to spend some time with her. And her children, now grown, were still, they were having, they were going through a really tough time and there was some family feuds and fighting and some discord and things were pretty rough at that time. And her grandma in her 90s,

just kind of said with despair and remorse, she said, I always thought that it would be enough if I was just a good person that my kids would turn out.

Rachel Denning (11:16.878)
And just like, ah, you know, I thought if I was a good person, it would be enough to raise good kids. Right now her kids are good kids, right? They're good people. But, but her point just, it was like dropping a bomb. It was a mic drop moment. Like, oh yes. And Rachel and I have just leaned into that principle and seen it again and again and again in our own lives and in the lives of all the people we get to work with. It's just.

not enough to merely be a good person. Now that might seem overwhelming to you or are hard like, Oh girl, I'm just trying to be a good person. Right. And some of us are still struggling to be good people. I get it. But I'm also want to share this voice, this message of, Hey, it's not enough. And let's, let's buckle up you guys because we don't want.

to end up in a place of deep remorse for ourselves, our spouses, our marriage, our children, our families, our children, like all of that, and have dropped the ball because we weren't good at that thing. So here's the idea. Let me drive this home. As I was thinking about this this morning, man, I've been exercising like crazy. You guys, I've set some huge, huge goals.

in fitness and in my personal life, family and business. I love this time of year because for me, I just, it's like I'm coming around the track and I've got till, you know, the end of the year. So we have five months in the year. I love this time of life. Cause man, I just love driving towards the deadline, towards the finish line. And so I set some big, big goals and I'm going after it and I've been exercising twice a day hard and just loving it and listening. So I went through, I went through 13,

books in June and July. In two months I did 13 books and they were meaty fantastic books. Really really good stuff. In fact on this note of the free speech stuff I was talking about freedoms, will you all please read The Law by Frédéric Bastia. He's a French writer wrote this I think late 1800s around right around the time they're having the revolution they have some troubles in their government.

Rachel Denning (13:41.485)
And he wrote this and it is spot on, spot on. And man, some of the things he wrote, you think, did he, did he just write that today because of what he sees going on right now? Like very important. So read that book. But I'm reading, I'm, I'm riding my bike. I'm, I'm training hard, exercising hard, going to our Krav Maga classes, just really leaning in. And while I'm on my bike, I just, it just hits me this principle so important. It's like, it's just not enough to merely be a good person because here we go.

You can be a good person and a piss poor husband. You can be a good person and a lousy lover. You can be a good person and a poor loser. You can be a good person and be terribly unproductive. You can be a good person and really unorganized. You can be a good person and live constantly in chaos. And some of you, I know as we roll along here, some of you are like,

You're gonna raise your hand and be like, I'm guilty. Guilty as charged, right? You can be a good person and a lousy listener. You know anybody like that? Really good people, but they just suck at listening. You can be a good person and you can be distracted and absent as a father or mother, or as a child for that matter. You can be a good person and a terrible businessman.

You can be a good person and a really crappy entrepreneur or employee, right? I know good people that just are terrible employees. You can be a good person and a very foolish investor. You can be a good person and a flimsy friend. Anybody know people like that? Just really, really good people, but man, they're not reliable at all.

You can be a good person and you can be an unresponsive son or daughter. You can be a good person and you can be totally ignorant. You can be a good person and be utterly uneducated or undereducated or underdeveloped. Anybody with me on that one? You can be a very good person and still be very underdeveloped. And it affects you and the people around you.

Rachel Denning (16:01.325)
You can be a good person and you can be clueless to what's going on around you. You can be a good person and you can be unaware of the needs of other people.

Right? Because you're so caught up in your own stress and your own chaos and your own distraction, your own life. You can be a good person and just not have any control of what's going on. You can be a good person and not have any influence. You can be a good person and be super unhealthy. You can be a good person and you know, just be really suffering mentally. Like you just, you don't have your mental game on. You with me?

You can be a really good person and be an emotional wreck.

You can be a good person and socially retarded. Right? I know I used to be. You with me on all this? You can be a good person in a financial disaster.

Right? Is this hitting home? Like, you can be a really good person and just stink at all that stuff. But here's an important piece of this. Like, if you're no good at tennis, well, OK. Right? No big deal. Or heaven forbid you're no good at pickleball. Right? That stuff's popular. And let's say you're no good at pickleball, but you want to be good. And so you work on it, and you get good. Great.

Rachel Denning (17:31.885)
But let's say you have no desire in the world to be great at tennis or pickleball or whatever else.

And if you don't like, okay, you don't have to do anything about it. But that's not true in other important areas of your life. Like your marriage. If you're a good person, but you really stink at being married, like the skill set of marriage, not okay. You with me? Because that's going to, it's, it's gonna suck.

for you and your spouse and your kids. It's miserable.

And it's a skill set. This is where it really hit me. I was, I was riding my bike this morning. I'm like, I was just thinking, I'm like, okay, being, being a parent is a skill we cultivate and develop. Like, okay, you, you might not be good at playing the piano and, oh, well, whatever. I'm not good at playing the piano and, and that's no big deal. But if I'm not very good at parenting, that's a big deal.

and

Rachel Denning (18:48.749)
As I work with people more and more and talk to people and lead people and speak and meet with groups and read, it is easily the vast majority of people are dealing with problems that they kind of picked up or experienced because of their parents, their parents' poor parenting. That's probably the most common story in the history of the world.

parents making some pretty gnarly mistakes and people still into their adult lives struggling because of it. That comes up all the time.

So if you're no good at piano, whatever. If you're no good at parenting, that's not, you don't just like, well, I'm just not good at it. That's, in my mind, that is unacceptable. You and I have a moral obligation to be a good parent with fully developed parenting skills. So if you have kids, this is me kind of ranting here. I'm, man, I feel this cause I, I get to see the ugly side of this every day.

If you have children, there's no getting out of the moral obligation to become good at parenting. Done, period. That's not one of those ones you can brush off like, yeah, I'm not very good at mountain biking. So what? You can take it or leave it, whatever. But not with parenting. If you have children, you have to become good at parenting. Woo.

Is this hitting home? What about work? What about contribution? What about connection? What about being present? In my mind, working on those skills is non -negotiable.

Rachel Denning (20:47.181)
Who's with me on this? Right? And you've heard me talk about it before and I just wanna keep reiterating. And again, I'm always my primary audience. I'm focusing on myself. I'm always working on myself. I'm looking at like, okay, what is in my life? What's an important part of my life? And if it's in my life and it's not going anywhere, then I better be good at it. And I better be doing something daily or at least weekly to get better at it. I have to be strategic about my skill development.

Right, so if we were to sit down together, I'd say, okay, show me your skills plan. Or describe it to me at least. My what? My skills plan, what? Right? We have house plans, we have business plans, but where's your skills plan? Where's your personal growth and development plan? Show me your schedule, show me your calendar. And you know what's really insightful is show me the past calendar, not your future calendar.

What's, you know, not what's scheduled to happen, but what actually happened. Show me your past calendar. How did you do in the last month on skill development for the important aspects and roles in your life? Oh yeah. That's good right there, right?

So with parenting, for example.

if or with all of it actually if you want to have a great marriage if you want to have really healthy kids like Holistically healthy physically healthy mentally emotionally socially spiritually financially healthy kids and you want a good relationship with them if you want to have friends like close friends not superficial friends not the frothy frivolous chit -chatty friends that that you know run at the first sign of change

Rachel Denning (22:39.085)
change your danger, but if you want true friends, if you want to make a difference in the world, if you work, period, then you simply cannot settle for being, for merely being a good person. Because if you fail financially all the while telling yourself, but I'm a good person. And you know, this is interesting on this one particularly.

with finances and earning. I remember thinking that. I literally remember believing wholeheartedly that if I was a good person that I would prosper financially.

Rachel Denning (23:24.493)
Isn't that interesting? I know a lot of religious people that believe that idea.

And like, great, yes, be good. But I later realized, I'm like, wait a minute, my income isn't determined by my goodness. My income is determined by my income producing skills combined with goodness. Right, because if you're shady and yeah, if you're doing shady stuff, like it's going to fail, right? It's going to fail.

And then, but the point is, like, it's tied to those skills. So it's not being a good person that's gonna help you financially. It's cultivating your financial skills. How often have we met good people that have really poor work ethics?

And, and they're just, they're not great employees. Right. And on and on, we can do every scenario, but I just wanted to drive this message home. That, well, here's, here's, I wrote it down, like with some emphasis, right? We have to stop sucking at the things that really matter, especially if it's because we're succeeding in the things that

don't. Some of us are developing super awesome skills and abilities and things that honestly don't matter.

Rachel Denning (25:17.453)
You with me? That one starts to sting a little bit when you realize, yeah, man, I'm really, really good at, name your thing, whatever. You can be really good at some hobby or something you're passionate about, something you're interested in, and yet you're pretty shabby at showing up for your spouse.

Rachel Denning (25:48.973)
Like let that hit home. You might be a world -class surgeon.

and they're totally distracted.

flatline spouse.

Rachel Denning (26:05.293)
not okay. Whoa, oh man, here you feeling that powerful, isn't it? Whoo. Oh, I love this stuff. So it's a it's an opportunity. It's a privilege and a responsibility to really lean into not not just being a good person. So please be a good person. We be genuinely good and keep working on keep working on just your pure goodness. But it's not enough to be merely be a good person. We have to daily.

and or at least weekly, but daily we can learn something, we can work on something, we can, we can make incremental improvements every day. That's, that's easy enough to do. I'm cultivating the skills of being good in the skill sets that are required for the things that really matter. So make, make a note of that, create a plan, do that today, please. Just, just jot down some things. In fact, just take one thing. If you're going to take one, just pick one, one area where you want to develop some skills and then just write down.

some specific ideas or action steps. So, cause you don't want to walk away from this like, yeah, I need to be better at this stuff. And then that's it. I just need to be better at this stuff. It's too general, too vague. Nothing will happen. Pick one thing and say, yeah, I'm going to be, I'm going to get better in marriage, for example, and I'm going to get better at listening. And the way I'm going to get better listening is I'm going to put my phone on airplane mode in the evening and leave it in the other room. And I'm going to be really present. And when my spouse is talking,

When my kids are talking, I am all in. Right? Right there. That's one powerful skill set that'll transform things. It's really awesome. All right, you guys. So be sure to subscribe to the podcast if you haven't subscribed yet and share this. Share this with people you know and care about and share these ideas. Again, it's a movement we want to create of all of us just leveling up a little bit at a time and just raising our...

ourselves first and our families and our communities and our society it matters so much and If you like this if you like the podcast, you know and leave a review or rating and then oh man and another bit of exciting news here I made a commitment one of my big goals. I'm gonna post a new video Every weekday for the rest of the year on my youtube channel So go to YouTube and subscribe there and check out these the great videos. We just just gonna nail

Rachel Denning (28:29.997)
like really powerful principles that I've come across over the last couple of decades, things that really matter, and I'm gonna share those on there. So, love you guys, thanks for being here, thanks for being a part of this, and pick your skill set and share it with me. Shoot me a message. Pick the specific skill you're gonna start working on, your little skill plan to not be merely a good person, to be really good at the things we have to do day in and day out. And let's get after it. Love you guys, reach out.