#156 How To Know If You’re WINNING In Life

Rachel Denning (00:01.102)
Hey, everybody, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. I'm so excited about today's topic, but also a little bit intimidated. So I'm kind of gung -ho ready to share and a little bit hesitant. It's such an important topic and I've been thinking about it for quite a while, but I know I haven't explored the vastness of this topic.

And I know there's more to it, right? It's pretty complicated. So on one side, it's quite simple. On the other side, it's quite complicated. It's one of those topics where, man, we have to address it. We have to understand it. We have to get it. And I feel this urgency to share it and get it out there and talk about it, you know, knowing full well that I haven't totally explored this mentally and completely yet. And I'm going to keep...

I'm going to keep working on it, keep working through it, keep talking about it. And I've already had a lot of great conversations about it with people, with clients and friends. And I know it's going to keep going that way. So, but I, but I got to get it out there. So it really comes down to this idea of like, how do you know you are winning in life?

how do you know you're winning in life? And again, the complexity is because well, well, life is so big. And so you might be like, well, wait, what do you mean in life? Like what part of life, life in general, like in specific right now, overall, like, how do you know you're winning? Right. And then what is winning? And that's, that's where we get down to this point, right. And why we're, why we're doing this podcast today as like, well, how do you define winning?

And winning at what? And winning overall, winning in the moment. Like what is winning? And who are we winning against? Are we competing? And we're gonna get into this, right? Are we competing against others? Are we competing against ourselves? Like are we competing against a standard? Like what is winning? And that is my point, my friends. This is a lot, it's simple, and there's some simplicity to it that we're gonna dive into, but there's some comp -

Rachel Denning (02:17.454)
complexity to it as well. And the key is that you and I have a responsibility and an opportunity to figure this out.

to know if you're winning. And man, it's so important. It's unbelievably important. Now, if you take something super simple like sports, right? It's easy to tell because there's a scoreboard. You look over at the scoreboard and you're like, okay, we have a certain number of points and our opponent has a certain number of points. And that, you know, is...

So there's you can tell if you're winning the match, but even in sports, it's not always reflective of true winning. Right. You might be losing the game. But winning in making personal improvements in your performance and your effort in giving your best in sportsmanship and integrity and grit in winning the season or the championship, you might lose a game and still be on track to win the championship. Right. So even.

even in sports where it seems kind of clear cut of like, well, you came up short, they had more points than you. But then it's also in life, it's an individual thing, right? And so you're not always competing against an opponent. Sometimes you're competing against yourself and just trying to be better each day. You're like moving along and like, I'm making improvement. Sometimes you're competing against a standard. But then there are the times I think where it's healthy to have a competition against.

something or someone else to drive us to be our best. So what about the other areas of your life? How do you know if you're winning? Do you have a scoreboard, so to speak, or a scorecard? Do you have some way to track? Are you keeping score? And in what areas? And again, in each of those areas, are you trying to compete with yourself, trying to compete with the standard?

Rachel Denning (04:26.19)
trying to compete with others. See some people, some people are rolling along and they're not keeping score at all. Nothing. They have no, they have no idea how they're doing. And I suspect some of you are like that as well. Just because I come across this, I experienced it. I come across it all the time in coaching and working with people, talking to friends. Like you're rolling along and life is busy, right? You got all kinds of things going on and.

and you're not always cognizant and conscious of each of the areas of your life. So sometimes you have no idea how you're actually doing. Now, some people, they don't even think about it. They don't measure it. Perhaps they're super distracted, right? You can be so distracted by other things that the measurement, the scorecard, the scoreboard, so to speak, of tracking...

how you're doing doesn't even come up on your radar, man. You're just, you're so focused on something or, or completely not focused on anything. You're just so distracted. So those are kind of two different forms of distraction there that you don't know. Other people are just operating unconsciously. It's just, they're just rolling along, doing their thing. It's just, it's unconscious. They're kind of clueless. They might be operating on an autopilot or in survival mode.

Right? You're rolling along in survival mode. It's just, I'm just trying to get through the day. I'm trying to get through the week. I'm trying to get through life. You know, it's so fascinating about that though, is when we slip in, slip into survival mode, particularly it's almost always when you have activated your fight or flight. Usually it's we hear a fight or flight, but there's, there's all kinds of evidence about freezing to that. Some people freeze. So when you go into fight, flight or freeze parts of your brain,

get activated, they get turned on just boom, and there's their, they lit up, and they purposely shut down other thinking, logical, you know, analytical areas of your brain decision making areas of your brain, because you're you're, you flip into survival mode. And it's so interesting, this happens all the time. We get this activated, this is a little tangent here, but it's super relevant and important is you we get we get

Rachel Denning (06:47.662)
We get active, something activates our fears, our worries, our concerns. And all of a sudden we go into fight or flight. It happens in our relationships. That's why we end up running away or fighting back or just freezing. It happens even at work. I was talking to a friend who has, he's got quite a few employees and he was talking about how they're, they, they're

giving feedback, how important it is to give feedback in the workplace. But people who aren't used to feedback or have a certain mindset or belief about feedback, feedback can feel like an attack or a threat. It can feel scary. And so even when somebody is trying to give you some feedback and they're genuinely trying to help you be better, that can feel like fight, fight, flight or freeze. And what's really interesting is that when we go into that kind of survival mode,

We literally like your brain doesn't function as clearly. And so you end up like doing stupid things. You're actually, I know this is like a really simplistic way of saying it, but you're actually dumber when you're in that mode, because you're, you're not thinking clearly. You're not using your full capacity. And so in a lot of ways in life, when we're asking like, Hey, are we really winning? There might be areas where you're perpetually in survival mode. You're just chronically.

in fear or fight or flight or freeze. And this is just happening all the time in the background. And you don't even realize what's going on. Right. Or you're just so stressed or so caught up in this stuff that you, you, the reality is you probably just can't even tell how you're doing. Man, isn't this, this stuff is so fascinating. So interesting. Right. So some,

Some people might even be against keeping score at all. They may not like the idea of tracking or measuring or scoring. Some of you might be listening to this and be like, well, I don't like that. I don't like that idea. Can I just live my life? Can I just go along and enjoy it? Can I just feel it? Why do I have to measure it? Why do I have to track it? And the reality is when it just comes down to it, you cannot master what you do not measure.

Rachel Denning (09:11.982)
If you're taking notes, jot that down and think about it. Take some time to really reflect on that and chew on that and sit with it a while. You can't master what you don't measure. And I get it. I understand that side of like, you don't have to measure everything. You don't have to track everything. In fact, there will be times when I teach that like, hey man, you don't have to track everything. Just be, just do, just live, just do your life, right? Do your thing. And then there will be other times I'll say, look man, if you're not measuring it,

There's no way you can master it. You've got to track. You've got to see if you're actually winning because what's, what's the real danger, my friends, if you just kind of roll along and you're just like, nah, it's good. I don't need to measure that. And I, and I don't need to, I don't need to keep score. I don't need to track. Like life isn't about keeping score. Some of you might say life isn't about winning or losing. Right. And I, and I can understand that I can.

I can, I've had those conversations and I get, I get where that's coming from. But how do you know if you're winning? How do you know if you're succeeding? How do you know if you're doing life well? And some of, some people will say, and I've had these conversations a lot too, like, well, it's all relative. There's no, there's no one way to do life. There's no one way that's better than the other. And that my friends, sorry, not sorry, that goes against all of the research. There are, there's ample amounts of research.

massive, massive amounts of research that just say there simply are better ways to live, period. Right? I just did a big video about this on my YouTube channel. There's, there literally, there simply are better ways to do life, period. Whether we, whether we agree or not, and this isn't, this isn't my opinion. This isn't anybody's opinion. It's just like, here's the research. If you do this, that's a better way to live. If you don't, that is a -

a less better way to live. Right? It's just there. The research is there and it's clear. There's a better way to do life. And so we and we want to do life well. And I know this group of people who's listening to this, you guys are go getters, high achievers, you're good people and you want to succeed. You want to win. It doesn't necessarily have to be in comparison to anybody else. But it's a standard I think that you are pursuing. It's an ideal that you're holding up.

Rachel Denning (11:36.046)
you want to win. And I asked a friend recently, I said, Hey man, how do you know if you're winning? And he said, I feel it. It's just how do I feel? And I love that, right? And again, it's one of those things isn't always clear cut or simple, or black or white. Because sometimes I'd say, Yeah, go with your feelings. How do you feel on that? And if it feels right, if it feels good, go with it.

Then there'll be other times and you've heard me say, you know what, sorry, your feelings aren't facts. Feelings are not facts. And sometimes we can be super deceived by our own feelings. And so that's not always a clear measurement. So as we're rolling along through this, and I want you to really think through this and chew on this. And you guys, if you have some cool ideas or insights or ah -hahs or thoughts, message me. Shoot me a message on Instagram or Facebook or connect me on there if you haven't or shoot me an email. But I want to.

I want to chew on this idea and really sit with it and let it marinate for a long time because I think it's so important. We have to get down to a clear system that works for each of us like to know, am I winning in life? So here's some of the thoughts that I've been having for quite a while. And I'll share kind of where I'm approaching it for me. And hopefully this is helpful for you to set up.

your scoreboard and each of us has to have an individual scoreboard, I think, if we're going to go with that metaphor, having a scoreboard, right? So we're kind of tracking, seeing how we're doing and we're measuring it. And it's going to be a little bit unique for each of us, but it can't be completely relative because there's common denominators for all of us. Just not my opinion. Again, it's just research, right? So I choose to win as a man.

a man and that's the way I'm gonna see it and that includes several roles that I have as a man. So I'm not only trying to win in business for example because if I if I succeed and win in business but do that to the neglect or failure in family or health or other areas spirituality social impact things like that then to me that would be a loss as a man.

Rachel Denning (13:56.782)
So if I'm seeing this as a whole picture, I want to win as a man. So it's the whole, the whole picture of me as a man. If I want to win as a man, then only winning in business is a loss as a man. And I'm not trying only to win as a husband or a father, right? And for some of you that might be like, what, what, wow, what, what are you talking about? Because that too would be a loss to me as a man, as the whole of being a man, if I was only succeeding as a husband or father, because there's

There are other roles like provider and protector and influencer and leader that that I want to succeed there as well. And so if I'm going to win as a man, my scoreboard, my scorecard has those things. And you've heard me and Rachel and I love to talk about this, the wheel of life, right? Where each of the spokes is an area of your life and you have to have all of them.

in place, right? That's why I love this idea of holistic optimization. If I'm going to win, it's winning as a man, not in one area or other, right? And because, well, here's, here's what happens. So if I'm winning as a man on my scorecard and it has several roles, then necessarily I would end up losing, so to speak, when you look at other people's scoreboards.

Some will see me as very average in their field and that's okay with me. I'm keeping score differently. So other people might look at me like, Oh, you're winning. And others might look and say, Oh, you're losing. Neither of which really matters that much. If I know what my scoreboard looks like and what winning looks like to me. So to make this clear, so it's not, not confusing.

Some people, I could be succeeding really well in business on my standards, knowing full well that my business will never be what it could be because I'm giving time and attention and effort to my wife, to my children, to travel, to philanthropy, to all kinds of other things. And I'm purposely choosing to do that and divide up my time and effort and focus. And so because it is divided,

Rachel Denning (16:20.238)
And I'm not my business will never be what it could be if I just gave my all to the business and for me that would be losing so I'm not gonna do that and I've thought about this for years Rachel I deliberately made those decisions Well over a decade ago saying hey look our business will stay smaller and grow slower Because we are gonna give massive amounts of time and attention to our children And we knew that we knew the business would take it take a hit Right and and we thought through it like hey, well we could

We could take a few years and really give everything to the business and the kids will be all right, but we decided not to do that. I want to invite all of you to stop getting caught up in other people's scoreboards. Stop living and measuring your work and your life by other people's scoreboards or scorecards or their...

kind of their metrics. And the key to doing that is creating your own scoreboard so that you will always be measuring, instead of, because if you don't create your own scoreboard, then you will always be measuring yourself against other people's scoreboards. Or against no scoreboard at all, right? You're running up and down the field and never scoring. Can you see somebody doing that?

Visualized in sports. There's up and down all around just running zigzag back and forth and going over and just having a great little time but never Never scoring like never measuring never winning And so I want you to think through this and I have some suggestions and some ideas That I'm working on developing and I and I I'm sure you have some fantastic ideas and again I'd love your feedback to kind of put this whole picture together in a in a holistic way

But I want you to really spend some time with this and some thought and do some writing and thinking. Talk to your spouse, talk to your kids, talk to mentors and coaches and friends. Look around and be cautious with that because everyone has their own kind of ideas and some of them are gonna be fantastic and some of them are gonna be way off. I've talked to people and their idea of winning in this holistic approach, I just thought it was.

Rachel Denning (18:42.542)
way out of balance and way off. And I've seen it again and again and again. In fact, this is where this is one reason why you often see like these epic failures that seem to come out of nowhere, right? Where you're like, man, everything looks good. They seem to be succeeding so well. Like that's the ideal model family or couple or business. And then BAM! Seemingly because of what we're allowed to see, right? We don't see what's happening behind the scenes all the time. And then there's this epic fail.

I can think of this couple, they just seemed like a great couple. But I was sitting there with Rachel just doing the math in my head of what they were chasing. They were chasing these major financial and business goals. And it was simple math, you guys. This was not complicated stuff. Just simple math of like, hmm, okay, if you're both writing bestselling books and you're...

both creating courses and you're both speaking all over the place. Like this is very simple math that there's no time for marriage or family. And but they were putting on this show man, putting on a show on social media, putting on a show, the business presentations, and then seemingly out of nowhere divorce families falling apart and there's a big mess. Same thing happened recently with I just heard about this weekend and broke my heart. I

I had gone to speak for this organization and go and do a training for the business and had connected with this family years and years ago. Just a great family, but the business, like they bought a business, business owner, and man, it just owned him. He didn't own that business, it owned him. It just consumed his life and tons of stress and oh man, it was just too much. And then,

And I saw that I could see that and thought, man, we got to get some strategies in place here. So this doesn't go too far. And then she was really passionate into her work and her thing and the kids and man, I just found out this weekend, they, they, this great family, just divorced, separated, falling apart. Oh man. It just breaks my heart. Just breaks my heart. Right. Because that to me is.

Rachel Denning (21:06.958)
Again, this is me. I'm just sharing my perspective here and hoping it's helpful to me That's losing as a man even if I'm winning in one of those areas I lose for me. I lose as a man, right and Well, okay. Here's here's another interesting side thing right talking about social media There's actually social media scoreboards now of like how many likes you have and how many followers you have and

and like social competition. It used to be like you keep up with the whole keeping up with the Joneses was like your neighbors, right? Your neighbors kind of saw what you were doing. You saw what they were doing. Now social media, it's everywhere. We're like literally comparing and competing all the time with people all over the world. That's not, that's generally not a healthy or good thing. And so there's these, again, you might be comparing yourself there and think, oh yeah, but I'm losing. I don't have as many followers or many likes. I'm not getting as much engagement as.

and so and so, ah, and then you start living off that scoreboard. So again, circling back, what does winning look like in each of your most important roles? What does losing look like in each of those roles? And you've, please, please, please make the time and effort to sit down and write this stuff out. Give it thought, give it time.

say, what is, well, first of all, you have to identify your roles, right? What are your most important roles? I suspect some of you have some roles that you, you gotta just say no to. You gotta drop. My friends, ladies and gentlemen, I, oh man, I feel this one so passionately. If you're going to succeed in life, if you're going to win, you can really only win at a few things. You can't do all of those things.

you're trying to do. What happens is you end up doing all of them in a mediocre way or a really crappy way. And some of the most important roles get totally neglected and dropped and become epic fails. You can't say yes to so many things, but for some crazy reason, socially in our society, we have this idea of like, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. We, you're just constantly saying yes to all this stuff and you're like, no man, drop it. And, and with some

Rachel Denning (23:30.254)
With some intensity, with a little bit of fierceness, I want to challenge you and invite you to say no more often. To get so clear about your key roles and say no to everything else. All these other demands that people are pushing on you. And all these other invitations. Right, to what Wayne Dyer always called tribal functions. Right, to all the tribal functions. Just say no!

And this may include, I know this is going to sound crazy. This may include saying no to your family members and your family functions and extended family, especially right in -laws and your family like, Oh, well you got to do this and got to do that. Got to do this and say, you know what? No, sorry. That doesn't fit that particular little program or idea or gathering or whatever. That doesn't fit into my, my key roles and what it looks like to win for me. And so I say no.

might even include saying no to things in your churches or your organization or nonprofit, the boards or the things you're involved in. You're going to really get clear about this. What does winning look like? What does losing look like? What are my most important roles? Say no to everything else. And so you might have to very respectfully decline. Ask to be let go or released or...

removed from a board or a position or a title or something. Is this making sense? Like you've got to know so clearly what it looks like to win and what your key roles are and then sit down and no joke, just write this out. Grab your journal today, open it up and just identify your key roles and then just spend some time writing. What does winning look like? What does losing look like?

And it's impossible for you to win if you're not clear what winning looks like.

Rachel Denning (25:34.318)
So create your own scoreboard. Yes, it's going to take time. It's going to take effort. It's actually going to take some research and some discernment and some wisdom. And we all know that wisdom is not easily won. You're going to want to read from the greatest religious texts of all time to study the lives and teachings of the best men and women that have ever lived.

you're gonna wanna carefully analyze incomes and outcomes and the ultimate results in their lives. Like their incomes and outcomes, right? You might look at people and we have this real tendency to do this in a material -minded world. We have a real tendency to overemphasize income. Like, wow, this person made so much money. Like, that's what I want, that's where I'm going. That's a measurement of success.

but we have to look at the whole picture, not just income or wealth in that case. And that's not to say you shouldn't be, you have a massive income or great wealth. You totally can. But none of these should be to the total neglect and failure overall, holistically. And the last thing you want to do in life is to try to win on the wrong scoreboard.

That's like climbing that proverbial ladder that's leaning against the wrong wall. Nor do you want to avoid being wrong so much that you never actually establish any scoreboard at all, which there's a tendency to happen there. I'm like, well, I don't want to be wrong. I don't want to be wrong. So you don't ever establish a scoreboard. You don't ever track anything.

You don't want to do that either. And unfortunately, my friends, we cannot wait until you're 90 or 100 or 120. And you've had all that life experience to make your scoreboard. We don't have that luxury of like making the scoreboard from the end of life wisdom, right? And so we are left to make the best decisions we can right now and improve them as we go.

Rachel Denning (27:53.582)
Now, fortunately, there are loads of great books. Unfortunately, there are also loads of trash books filled with really stupid ideas and really bad advice. And it's not just books either. There's blogs and podcasts and posts that abound with some of the worst advice ever uttered by human beings. Right? I think I told you about that time.

Um, it wasn't long ago, I saw a genuine question posted in a Facebook group. This, this gentleman, he seemed to sincerely want to know how to live a fulfilling and meaningful life. He was asking like, how do I win in life? And no joke, some of the advice in the comments was genuinely the worst advice I have ever heard or seen. It was unbelievable. And these guys were.

just saying with just absolute confidence. We'll just do this and just do that. And like wretched, horrible things that are an epic fail across the board. It was just utter selfishness and depravity and just saying, we'll just, you know, do whatever you feel like doing and, you know, throw off all moral boundaries or standards or values. Oh man, it was, it was really, really bad.

So when you do look for advice, take advice from people whose whole life you would like to emulate. Otherwise, you might end up embracing an idea from, let's say for example, from a financially successful man who is morally bankrupt or a financially successful person who is completely overdrawn.

on all his most important relationships, just as an example. Oh man, there's so much here. And as you start thinking about, again, the complexity of all this big idea, as you start putting your scoreboard together, are you talking about final scores or performance scores, like we talked about, mentioned in sports? If it's only numbers, some of you get into the numbers, and it's all about the numbers, numbers, numbers, numbers.

Rachel Denning (30:15.63)
And if it's just numbers, that can be all consuming. So those of you who are my detail people, my numbers people, you love the numbers and the financing and the charts and the Excel spreadsheets and you love looking at the numbers. That's great. That's fantastic. It's a strength. But if it's just the numbers, that can be all consuming and get a little distorted. Some people are keeping score because of how your parents kept score.

which is really interesting and insightful. And I think there's a little over a carryover of that for all of us. That when we start measuring and keeping score, it's often about how our parents kept score with their life or how they kept score with us. And some of you had parents who, man, they were just, they were keeping score with you all the time and you were just trying so hard.

to win with your parents. And they had these ideas like, well, if you do this, then you're, you know, they never actually said it that way, but if you do these things, then you're winning with me. And we picked up these mindsets, these ideas, these habits, these subconscious things about what it means to win. And a lot of us is coming from things our parents were saying or doing either openly or subconsciously or kind of inadvertently.

man, and that mess with us, right? Some of the scores are too vague. You might be like, well, I wanna be a writer. What does that mean? What does it mean to be a writer? Like, if you sit down and write a little bit, okay, yeah, you're a writer. Like, well, I wanna be a successful writer. What does that mean? So when you're creating your scoreboard, identify your role and get really clear about what that means. Others on the far inner side are too delt.

too detailed. Like you're zoomed way too far in and you're so focused on these details of what it means to win and scoring that you're actually missing out on winning so to speak because you're focused in way too far on a couple specific numbers and you're missing the bigger picture. You see, and I'm trying to put, you can tell I'm trying to put together all my thoughts here on all these different aspects of ideas of this really important and complex.

Rachel Denning (32:40.942)
Concept or principle and I hope I hope just these these ideas and these angles just throwing out a whole bunch of ideas here kind of drinking from the fire hose will help you take notes and Spend some time on this and really get clear about what it means Again, I have to reiterate. Please stop trying to win at lots and lots of things You can only win at a few That's just that's just the nature of having

24 hours in a day and probably sleeping, should be sleeping six, seven, eight hours a day. So that's giving you, you know, not very much time and you can't, you just can't do it all. So pick a few things and really, really win in those things. Another thought here I want you to consider is journaling. Journal a lot, it's such an amazing way to reflect on your performance.

Some of you I know were like I used to be, man I hated journaling. I hated writing. Oh, I hated all that stuff. I was like, I just never want to write at all. And I thought journaling was some kind of like, I don't know, just an accounting, a log book of what I had done that day. Like, oh I went to the store and bought this. And oh man, that's a great journal entry. But journaling is really just, it's reflection. Just reflect on you and how you're doing. How are things going? What are you struggling with? What are you succeeding with?

What's going well? What's not going so well? How do you know if it's going well? How do you know if it's not going well? How do you know if what's happening in the moment is affecting the long -term outcome? So spend time really journaling, please, please, please. So here are some of the things that I have been thinking about, and it's not comprehensive, but it's important to me as a man, right? I'm a student.

I'm a learner. I will always be a student and a learner. Lifelong learner. I committed to that decades ago. And so I need to measure that. Like how am I doing on learning and growing and expanding, revisiting things that I've learned? All of us as we go through life, we're going to have to unlearn some things we've learned. But we have to keep up this constant, I think we're winning when we keep up a constant flow of good input.

Rachel Denning (35:09.262)
Not trash input, not mediocre input, not unimportant input. Some of us have this unending stream of visual trash. Or we're consuming all this stuff that at the end of the day really doesn't matter at all. So being a student. One of my roles is obviously taking care of my body. I kind of like the idea of it being athletic because...

I like this idea of doing challenges and working on coordination and new skills. And I love taking new classes, whether it's dance classes or martial arts classes or doing adventure races or endurance races. Just really taking care of your body. And that's one role. If you're listening to this, it's because you have a body. And if you have a body, that's one of your roles. You've got to take excellent care of your body because it's affecting every part of your life. For many of you, the role of a disciple.

And well, that can, it can be separate or it can be connected to the role, the spiritual journey you're on. You, you have a spirit, we're spiritual beings. And so there's a role there in establishing and living by our values and our standards. And then, man, each of these like sub roles can get way off on other scoreboards, right?

Well, all of these roles, right? So if I lean into student and I go way too far and I get on other people's scoreboards, what it's like to be a scholar. Oh man, then I got to do all this and well, this person's so smart and he's reading. Oh man. And you can get way off and it can overtake your life and fitness and health. You guys know that you've seen that before. People who get that scoreboard becomes so important that they neglect all these other things and they might just be smashing it in health and fitness.

And you're like, yeah, I want to get on that scoreboard. It's amazing. You don't realize like, man, all their relationships are really struggling or their finances are dead or they just have this spiritual void or maybe struggling mentally or emotionally like any of those things, right? Because any of these can become way too much and get, get overdrawn and get off on mess up scoreboards, right? Obviously one of my roles is as a husband and a lover and

Rachel Denning (37:30.958)
best friend to Rachel, right? And we have to like that, that's a absolutely important role. So notice how I put man for I put me first, like I have to work on me. I can't give what I don't have. And I can't draw from an empty well. So I can't give to Rachel or to my kids or to anyone else unless my well is full. And if I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of other people that that gets that gets off for a lot of people.

That scoreboard gets kind of warped and distorted and gets out of proportion there. We think, no, I'm just going to give. I'm going to focus on the people to the neglect of themselves. And then they have nothing really valuable to give. So that one can get off. So that comes first. So husband, lover, friend, obviously father, role model, mentor, teacher. And I've spent years, literally years, thinking through each of these and writing about them. And.

and establishing a clear scoreboard for me, what that means to be winning as a man, what that means to be winning as a student, as an athlete, as a disciple, as a husband, as a lover, as a friend, as a father, a role model, a mentor, a teacher. And I know what it means to lose. Well, I've had the amazing privilege of working with so many people across five continents over decades.

that I've been able to see the train wreck, right? At the end of that tunnel. And I've been able to watch over years, people make decisions. They're like, no, no, this is the way to win and watch it play out. I've been able to watch that for decades, you guys. Plus I study voraciously and just always constantly devouring human performance. So you can see the end result. And I've been able to watch that play out in so many scenarios. And then people...

come to me for help like, oh my goodness, please help me rebuild this, help me fix this, help me get this back where I failed massively. I'm like, what was the cause of the failure? Well, I was trying to win over here or, and they didn't say this in these words, but basically what they come and say is like, well, I was, I was trying to win on somebody else's scoreboard.

Rachel Denning (39:48.142)
Whoa!

Right? Another one of my roles is a protector of my family and of people around me, especially people who aren't able to protect themselves. And it obviously is a provider. Right? And spend time with this. And if you want to, again, share with me, I love this stuff. I want to, I want to continue setting this and really wrapping my head around and getting crystal clear about what it means to win. And for me,

I want to win as a man. And that includes all these important roles, not lots and lots of them, just a few really important ones. And that's how I want to win. That's how I want to establish my scoreboard. And I'm going to operate independent of other people's scoreboards. So that again, I'm circling back, like what I said before, they might look at me and be like, dude, you're losing. Like, whatever. I'm not keeping score on your scoreboard. I'm not keeping score with just one area of my life. I'm winning as a man.

And I know what roles that includes. And I know what winning looks like. I know what losing looks like. And I'm tracking that regularly for long term outcomes and long lasting results. That is what it's all about my friends. Man, I love this stuff. So will you please do this for you, for your future, for your family? Make scoreboard, make a scorecard.

some way that you're gonna track and you can clearly answer for yourself. How, when somebody says, how do you know if you're winning? You know how to answer that question. Very well, very thoroughly, very thoughtfully. You've seen the whole picture, studied it out. And it holds up with the greatest thinkers of all time. Not just current little events or current little fads or trends or whatever, but across life.

Rachel Denning (41:49.71)
You know you're winning in life. So set up your scoreboard, so to speak, whatever that looks like for you. Get clear about that. So you know when you're winning and when you're not. And then track it. And this isn't to make you feel bad. This isn't to overwhelm you. It's actually really empowering. It's actually really insightful. Talk about traumas, like not knowing if all your effort's actually doing anything or not knowing if you're climbing.

A ladder that's against the wrong wall. Not knowing if you're trying so hard to win on somebody else's scoreboard.

Right, that's terrible. But having your own scoreboard gives you a sense of clarity and purpose. It helps you get centered and grounded and know where you're at and where you're going and why. Man, I love this stuff. Okay, put that together, share it with me. You guys, if this was helpful or insightful for you, be sure to subscribe to the podcast and to the YouTube channel that I've got going and share it. If this is something, while you're listening to this, you were thinking of friends or family, you're like, man.

Yeah, this is important principle. Share it. Share this podcast. Help me, help me in this mission to share these ideas and principles so that we can all win in life and win on scoreboards that really matter for each of us. All right. Love you guys. Have an absolutely fantastic week. Reach upward.