#160 "You're Good Enough the Way You Are" Isn't the WHOLE Truth

Rachel Denning (00:00.078)
Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of the Extraordinary Family Life Podcast. Today, we are going to talk about something we talk about. Like, you guys, we have a fun, really fun dynamic where we'll notice something, we'll see something, and we start talking about it, and then we dialogue about it. And the things that keep coming up...

In our conversations are often things we start taking notes on then Rachel writes about I make videos about and and in this case ends up being a podcast Where like okay, there's there's this trend among Influencers speakers presenters people coaches. Yeah coaches. They're just sharing this message and It's it's not that the message is wrong or bad

I think it's incomplete. It's right. It's not that it's not true. It's that it's only half true. So we want to talk about that. We want to discuss it and why it's half true, why it is true, but it's only half true and what the other side of that truth is. Like we always talk about the two sides of the coin, the dichotomy of life. Like everything is two sides of a coin and very often, very often it's seemingly.

incongruent or seemingly opposing ideas or views that are actually connected and part of the same coin very often. So that's definitely what this is. And I think it's worth discussing and thinking about. Well, today we'll think about and discuss it, but I want to invite you to think about the risk. What's the risk of embracing and living by a half truth?

Wow. Which, oh my goodness, yes, ideas spark. Because I feel that a lot of people actually are living unfulfilling lives and are living below their potential because they're actually living half -truths. They have embraced a philosophy, you know it's good when Greg starts taking notes here, they've embraced a philosophy of something that is true and it is true. And yet they embrace that.

Rachel Denning (02:15.853)
and they make that the center and focus of their life, they devote all this energy and time to it, but it's only a half truth. It's only an incomplete truth. So in a very real sense, what they're doing is good. Yes, it is good. It's moving in the right direction. It's fantastic. But it's not necessarily... It's only halfway there. Yeah, it's not necessarily great, and partly that's because it's incomplete. It's not whole.

And I would argue, and I think most people would agree if we kind of talked through this, and you could argue the point that in some instances, perhaps many instances, a half -truth fully applied could actually be quite detrimental. Oh, yeah. And so it even becomes bad to go halfway. I mean, there's all kinds of instances. For example, from what I understand, if you take half -

of a series of an antibiotic, it doesn't like complete it and kill it. Like then your body reacts to it and responds to it and then it'll resist the antibiotic. Right? So there's that's it. That's one simple example of going halfway actually then becomes detrimental. Yeah. And think about how many half truths and halfway efforts and, and only getting half the picture. Okay. Take a painting and you have half the picture. Okay. Come to a conclusion. You're missing the whole rest of the story.

I definitely want to cover that painting analogy again because I love that analogy but one of the things I want to bring up is...

Say you take a virtue like kindness, right? People think, oh kindness is good, and it is. Kindness is good. But by itself... Be kind at all costs. Yeah, right. But by itself actually, if kindness is your primary value or your primary moral compass, it's incomplete and it's not enough. And it can become bad. It can become a bad thing if kindness is your...

Rachel Denning (04:18.381)
primary motivating factor or force because then... Now even saying that, you're like, wait, wait. Oh, what are you talking about Rachel? Well, and the reason why is because if you always operate off of kindness or being agreeable, then you tend to get, you can get pushed around. You can get taken advantage. You can actually sacrifice yourself for the benefit of others but end up being resentful. You can...

avoid standing up for yourself. Like there's all these other things that come into play if you focus on just being kind because being kind is good and being kind is right and so I need to always be kind and that can end up being a bad thing.

We have someone mowing lawn out here. Yes, somebody's making a lot of noise right outside the window. Oh, the irony of timing. That's interesting. Years ago, I made a YouTube video because I kept getting requests and it came up a lot. Again, those themes that come up a lot was I try to be a kind person. I'm trying to be nice. I want to be a nice person, but people can take advantage of me. And so I kept saying, well, stand up for yourself. And they're like, well, I don't want to be mean. They're like, they were so concerned about.

being a mean person or coming across as aggressive or harsh that they're willing to really suffer honestly. Yeah. They would they would suffer and tolerate all kinds of injustice and so I made this video about being firm and kind. I mean kind and firm, right? This is this two side of two sides of the coin of like being I believe in being unfailingly kind. That's one of my highest values and priorities to be kind but on the other side of that kindness

Coin for that metaphor has to be boundaries strong boundaries high standards like sorry this will not be violated You cannot cross that line. You can't treat me like this. My kindness doesn't pass this line of unacceptable behavior. Well, and I would say even further on the other side of that coin it even goes to a point of

Rachel Denning (06:21.709)
violence. I would say the other side of that coin in extreme circumstances is that you actually need to be someone in order to be whole and complete for using this metaphor and it's not just half truth, it's the whole truth. You have to be willing to get to violence in some situations. Yeah, I know. But...

Mind you, it's Rachel saying this, not me. This is a woman who's so gentle, she would kill flies. You would get violent for me. Yes. So what she's saying is there's a time for me to get violent in our behalf. And I actually wholeheartedly agree. In our behalf. And I'm joking about that. But I do know there are times when, yes, I would get violent if necessary. I'm not going to be kind to someone who is... And of course I'm talking about extreme situations, but we have to recognize that that...

represents the entirety of topics and life in general. So you have to look at those things and think about those things, but there are times when violence is the answer. In fact, there's a book about that. When violence is the answer. And that means that if you're going to not be taken advantage of by people who are bad or evil or have...

wrong intentions, you have to be willing to get more violent than they are. That's one of the things they teach you in your crowd from Gauze. Avoid violence at all costs, but when violence comes, be more violent than the other person. Be more violent, yeah. Put an end to this. And it's not just physical violence. Man, we could do a whole podcast on this topic. Yeah, we could about violence. It's not just physical violence. There are times, and I think we all have to agree to this, acknowledge it, that again, there's a growing naivete as well that like, no, you don't ever have to be violent. And there's something admirable and beautiful about it.

There is something admirable and beautiful about that and we used to believe that and we used to live by it. On that side of the coin, I still do. I still believe in nonviolent protest. What Martin Luther King did and Gandhi did absolutely unbelievable. I'd be behind it and Mother Teresa saying, look I'm not coming to your anti -war when you have a pro -peace rally I'll be there. I believe that. But unfortunately from personal experience we know...

Rachel Denning (08:37.069)
that by believing that, that there weren't, I mean we were, we went so far to the, you know, hippie side of it, I use that not in a derogatory term per se, but like the hippie side of it where there are no bad people and there's only, you know, it's only different levels of energy and you know, there's no evil in the world, there's no wrong in the world. We believed that to the point where we were acting that out and teaching that and unfortunately that led to some negative circumstances and situations which we're not going to totally get into because,

that's private at this point with some of our children that led to very serious painful situations because our children had been taught to believe there's no bad people in the world. And so I mean this is serious this is getting serious here this is real.

When you believe and operate that way and then you come face to face with... With malice. Real malice that does exist in the world. I do believe in the goodness of humankind but malice does exist and when you come face to face with it and you're not prepared to deal with it in a violent way if necessary to combat that you end up being a victim in the real sense and taking advantage of it. And those of you who are... Go ahead. And I just wanted to add this. That is actually the source of PTSD.

is people who come face to face with malice and violence in the world and evil not having been prepared to face them and realizing that it's real. Going to such an extreme it just kind of undoes your whole framework. And those of you who are familiar with quantum physics and we are too and we agree and we believe you can attract and manifest all these things and work and live in that way I agree with all of that.

I just think it's worth considering the other side of the coin is, and I do believe it, there is a time, perhaps not for all. I'm going to leave that window open. I think there are some people who are not warriors and they don't need to be. But for some of us, there's a call, a call to arms. At least a call to be prepared to be, to have arms. You're called to have arms.

Rachel Denning (10:57.903)
Okay, two more thoughts that I wrote down about this halfway. I read the Francis Bacon.

What was his essays? The essays by Francis Bacon. And there was one thing I learned was essentially the essays were a type of journaling that was meant to be confessionary in order to help you from making the same mistakes in your life. Sweet. So insightful. One of the things he wrote is that if you study philosophy halfway, you'll lose your...

essentially you lose your faith and belief in God. Or a higher power. Or the bigger picture. He says if you study philosophy halfway, it undoes you. If you continue the course and go all the way, you come back full circle into believing it. And so that's another example of going halfway being dangerous. If you get in and dabble with it, it undoes it. And when you go deep and get real depth on it, Francis Bacon was saying, no, you actually come back to this wholeness, which

was beautiful. And then in Moby Dick, Herman Melville talked about all the horrors of a half lived life. And ultimately, I think that is a framework to go into our topic. It's like if you only go halfway, you end up living.

potentially inside the horrors of a half -lived life. Yes, absolutely. Wow. Yes, that is so good. And that's kind of, yeah, that's what we want to bring up and talk about because we're seeing these philosophies being taught out there by growing...

Rachel Denning (12:43.245)
numbers of life coaches and other influencers and we're kind of like okay yeah that's true but it's half true. It's not the full picture oh back to the picture analogy because this is something that we are constantly using and referencing and helping us to understand the world and it's the idea of if you have a big beautiful painting in front of you let's use that map back there.

and you look at one part of it down here in the corner and you're like, oh, there's a ship and these guys moving barrels and whatever. And you look at that and you're like, okay, that's true, but it's not the whole truth.

The rest of the truth is the entire picture, the entire paintings. And so very often people get caught up on a part of the painting and saying, this is it. This is true. And it's more true to them than what they knew before because before they were looking at maybe a different part of the painting or a smaller part of the painting. And so they expand their view and they're like, oh my gosh, it actually also includes this. And then you're like, yeah, you're right.

It does. And it feels fantastic. And it feels amazing. When someone draws your attention to your lightening. I feel, this is amazing. I feel so much lighter. I feel like I see clearer. Yes. This is amazing. Because it's all true. Right. But yet it's still only part of the truth. And if you continue to do that process, I mean we've done that process again and again and again until you start to, it's not like we're seeing the whole painting because you, there's so much to see. But you, well it's that other quote by Neil deGrasse Tyson.

As the area of your knowledge and your understanding expands so too does the circumference of your ignorance. And so, yes, that's what's happening and I think that's what happens a lot. And so these life coaches out there and these influencers out there, they're going through that journey like we all do. Like we've been through that journey and you begin to see more truth and you're like, oh my gosh, this is true. And you go out teaching it and you're...

Rachel Denning (14:49.455)
You know, this is true and it's awesome and it is true but then as you learn more you're like, it's not the whole truth. That is true but if you just stayed in that piece, in that place, you miss the rest of it. Alright, so let's...

Dive into... Exactly what we're talking about. Finally. Let's get to these points and try to give as many examples as possible of, and again, I think you want to emphasize this too, and we want to re -emphasize, these are good things. They are true things. True things.

but I think maybe the best word for this, and you might use other words, right? We all have different meanings for words, but it seems like a good word for this is incomplete. Right. Just like part of the painting, if you only see part of the painting, it's just an incomplete painting. Not that it's not real and it's not true, it's just incomplete. And if, I mean, I could keep going on about this comparison with a painting because if you see half the painting, you can come to conclusions. You can tell a

Completed story of that and there's a lot of beauty and truth and meaning it's all there Principles life lessons all of it, but then you get the other half of the painting you're like, oh Bigger story and maybe it's not better. Maybe the other half is the ugly half true, right? Maybe it's the it's the tough half. You're like, okay, but that completes right the story of that painting Yeah, like in my mind right now. I can picture those mirrors

mural paintings in like the Louvre where in the room in the room with the Mona Lisa if you guys have been there the Mona Lisa is like maybe three feet by three feet right it's not very big it's not big and everyone goes to see the Mona Lisa but you're in this hall that's 40 feet tall and hundreds of feet long and some of the paintings in there are there they gotta be 30 40 feet long and 20 feet high they're massive

Rachel Denning (17:00.783)
works of arts and fall scenes they're just mind -boggling the building itself is unbelievable and everyone's crowded on the Mona Lisa which again it's beautiful it deserves it deserves it but you're like okay the perspective here the contrast is amazing okay so let's dive in finally finally let's dive in what exactly is it are we talking about what is it that we have seen people posting sharing out though that we're like

Yeah, that's true, but it's incomplete. And it's essentially this idea that you are good enough the way you are. I am. You are enough. That's true. You are special. That's also true. Right. Me, me again, me again. I'm really close on this. And yet...

And it feels good. And people need to hear that message and that's why it's spreading because it's like... There's a lot of people that need to hear that message because there are a lot of people that are suffering, there are a lot of people that are hurting, there are a lot of people that beat themselves up all the time. And so yes, it is a true message and it is an important message and it is a message that a lot of people need to hear. And I would say...

for every single person on the earth, at some point along your personal journey, that's a message you need to embrace. You have to fully embrace and believe that message, that you are enough, that you're good enough, that you're special, that you're important, that you don't have to try in order to be loved and accepted and all these things. And yet...

And that's not chronological. That's... How would you even describe it? Like, it needs to be... It's encompassing. So it's your whole life. Centering. Yeah, you're centered and grounded in this idea, this belief for your whole life. But if that's where we stop...

Rachel Denning (19:05.933)
So it's something, I guess I like that point, that it's something that has to be centered within you. It's something you have to embrace. It has to become a part of you. So some people don't have that as a part of them, and that's why they need that message, and that's why it's good that people are sharing this message.

you have to embrace that and it has to become a centering part of your view and approach to life. It's not something you just come across and then discard later. It becomes a part of who you are and then helps you on the rest of your life journey. Yes. So it's essential. Oh, I just thought of another comparison I think will help. We're trying to come up with as many comparisons as possible to try to land this in a way and some of you will hear different things and it'll click for you.

here's one that I think would work really well because I also see this as a common problem.

We get married and now you've gone from being an individual to now being a wife or a husband, right? But that doesn't mean you're not an individual, right? And then we get in trouble with that and we give away our individuality because no now I'm a wife and then you become a mother. Exactly. And so all of a sudden you lean so far into motherhood that you lose your individuality and your wifeness. Yes. And some husbands are like, hey remember your wife like that's how I helped you.

Don't become a mother, don't forget me, these husbands are saying, right? But there's a progression there that if we only go one way, if all of the message going in is mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, then ultimately... It actually weakens your...

Rachel Denning (20:47.789)
Wifeness and your individuality exactly and so you'll go along and you'll start filling this void and you'll be like wait a minute I love my family. I love my kids. I love being a parent and it's all good. It's all true. It's all right Why do I feel this incomplete void? Why do I feel incomplete? Why am I not fulfilled? And it often comes out. Well, are you being a wife? Well, it's cuz I'm a mom. Uh -huh And are you doing things for you only and this is for true for husbands as well. I had this conversation recently

with a gentleman I was like, what are you doing specifically just for you because you like doing it. Now he's starting a new business, already has other successful businesses, he's got his kids, his family, he's just awesome, right? Growing, learning, just fantastic. But in all the busyness of all those good things, he has lost his individuality. And I was like, what is it? And he's like, he honestly didn't know.

So of course this is it's also true in many many other aspects and we can address a few of them like the ones Rachel mentioned but even one like okay here's this idea of graduation right if you graduate from a high school or university yeah you graduated that's that's fantastic it's true but it's only half truth because my own philosophy is like there's never a graduation from education and so if you celebrate this graduation and you're might you're saying I'm done I'm done.

I'm done with my schooling, I'm done writing papers, I'm done reading those books, I'm done thinking like that and debating like, I'm done. I'm done, I'm finished. Which that is actually a perfect metaphor for this idea because people are coming to this truth of I'm good enough the way I am, I am special, I don't have to try so hard, and that feels good and it feels true and they embrace it and then they think, okay, I'm done.

I don't have to keep learning, I don't have to keep growing, I don't have to keep trying because I'm good enough the way I am. And I think ultimately that is where these ideas can become toxic. They actually become toxic and detrimental to your mental health and well -being because you accept this idea of I'm good enough the way I am, I am special, but that's not the complete truth. That's an incomplete truth because if you stay there, if you stay there,

Rachel Denning (23:16.943)
in that place of I'm good enough the way I am, you stop growing and if you stop growing you actually start atrophying and then you become miserable. Like you literally become miserable because you don't have meaning in your life. You're not pursuing anything. You're not trying to get better. You're not trying to change things. You're not trying to transform. You're not trying to make things better and so, I already said that but, and so you feel a void. You fill this void in your life.

It creates an emptiness. It creates a discomfort and dissatisfaction a blah it creates buffering it creates that you start turning to addictions problems Midlife crises self -medicating. Yeah, you start turning to all these problems because and what essentially at the bottom is is there's this void now What's really cool is that this is a spiritual thing and a? physiological thing and like Rachel referred to already a psychological thing and you can look in each

of those industries, you could study psychology and realize, yeah, human beings need to keep growing and improving. And they need to have noble aims. They need to have goals and targets that they're working toward achieving. Like we are, well, I think you're, you want to talk about this. We're evolutionarily designed that way. That's the physiology of it, right? Yeah. Where in a real sense, if you look at the evolution and the hard wiring,

If you look at the hard wiring in our heads, we are wired to learn and grow and improve, to get novelty and to challenge ourselves. We're wired to have challenges to keep growing and progressing and we're wired to want it and feel bad if we don't have it. Right, exactly. So if we sink into comfort and familiarity. Complacency. And complacency. And acceptance. And doing...

all the things the same way. Now research is discovering like, wait a minute, those are major factors for dementia and Alzheimer's and other problems. Depression, even anxiety. Right, all of that because the brain starts to atrophy and it uses these channels like, oh, we're going to shut down here because it's not - We're not even using this. Right. And so it's a spiritual, so it's psychology, it's physiology, and it's spiritual. I believe we were created that way. I believe we have a spiritual DNA, so to speak, that we

Rachel Denning (25:38.415)
You know, we come, as the poet said, trailing clouds of glory and that we have this, maybe we call it a beacon that's calling us upward. And you hear me say all the time, if you're familiar with any of my work, I'm always saying reach upward. That comes from the end of a poem that said, Chief of all thy wondrous works, O God, supreme of all thy plan, thou has placed an upward reach into the heart of man.

There's this reaching, this longing to be better. Now, this is where we get into trouble. The incompleteness comes? Well, because you start noticing, well, okay, one, you don't really like yourself if you're not growing and learning and doing likable things. Which is, wait, which is one of the reasons people embrace this idea in the first place. That's where I was going with that. Exactly. Exactly. Because...

They feel like, one, I don't have any goals or dreams that are actually challenging and exciting, and two, if I try to make progress on them, I fail. So I just don't like myself because I'm not, I'm trying to do these things and I'm not doing a good job at doing these things and so I feel like crap and so the solution is I'll just accept myself the way I am. And yet. So somebody, you're scrolling along, which isn't necessarily fulfilling. No. So you're scrolling, you're doing your stuff and going along and

and maybe you are failing and struggling and what I see often is that...

They're pursuing things or the thought of pursuing things, the thought of growth. The thought of doing something different. The thought of lifelong progression is so overwhelming. Well, yes, and then the thought of, wow, maybe I'm not doing things as well as I could be, or maybe I'm not, my life isn't as great as it could or should be, or maybe I'm failing at things. That thought is...

Rachel Denning (27:37.357)
terrifying, it's frightening, it's painful, it's extremely painful. And yet there's the other side, maybe our coin might be a dice. There's sides of it. But the other side is, yeah, you are currently...

sucking at whatever the role is. It could be one role, it could be multiple roles. I have just sucked it up as a dad, or as a husband, or a provider, or a leader, like whatever. And that's true, and I need to face it, and I need to own it. And that hurts, and it's humbling, and it's like a punch in the gut, and you're just, I don't like this, but it's not the whole truth.

It's only part of it. It's incomplete, but it still is true. Like, wait, if I'm going in it, especially if I don't have the right training and the right tools, which you guys have heard me talk, that is the whole reason I built the Be The Man Masterclass, is this very reason. I had to compile a place with the training and tools to do it right. Because if I don't have the right tools, and I feel just horribly inadequate, and that's one side of my coin is, I am.

Yes, and that's what people are not grasping with this partial truth or this incomplete truth is part of it is accepting, okay, yeah, I'm not doing that well and I still need to love myself and accept myself and not beat myself up to the point where it becomes damaging and toxic.

But if you only remain in that place and say, you know what, you're just gonna have to deal with me because this is the way I am, this is who I am, you better just love me the way I am, that also becomes toxic because you're not working to be better and to...

Rachel Denning (29:31.565)
fulfill your roles better and that's part of the reason you feel the way you do in the first place. Because your whole physiology, your whole spirit, all of it like you're talking about is longing and craving and calling for you to reach this higher ideal which you envision or have seen.

And when you deny that, you're denying your own soul, essentially. You're denying your soul's calling. In the moment of embracing the idea of being enough, of being special, of like, I'm okay as I am, I'm lovable, I'm likable, I'm good, all true.

It feels really good. It's almost like it's this healing. A relief. It's a relief of like, I don't have to attain this perfection. I don't have to try so hard. So that's one side. And it feels fantastic. What Rachel was alluding to and was describing so well is I think we all have inherently...

we all have a best self. I think we do. It's our future potential. It's our potential future self. It's in there. Spiritually, physiologically, psychologically, it's there of this best self, of knowing you have potential. And what you described so well, and I'm just re -emphasizing here, is if you settle into, oh, I'm good enough, I'm...

Smart enough and doggone it people like me. Quoting from an old old Saturday Night Live when I was a kid. That line has stuck with me. It's so funny. But if I if I stay there and then I don't pursue inside of discomfort and this is why people often don't pursue it because it is uncomfortable. Growth is uncomfortable. So if I don't pursue that growth if I'm not chasing down my ideal best self then there's another kind of pain. Another kind of toxicity. Yeah. That starts to.

Rachel Denning (31:29.645)
it just tears up on the inside. Because for a while that acceptance of you're good enough is good enough. I mean that can carry you who knows for how long. I mean some people could be weeks or months or who knows longer. Okay let's do another metaphor. That could be the few keys on the piano that you always play. Well that's where I'm going. Instead of getting the whole keyboard. You're like oh I got my little tune here. And so it can be enough for a while but at

At some point you will reach life, another point in your life where it's not enough and you try to keep playing that same song, that same tune of I'm good enough, I'm good enough, I'm good enough, I just need to accept things the way they are.

and it's not enough. It becomes meaningless. It becomes insignificant. It becomes shallow because it isn't the whole truth. It is incomplete. And the reality is you are designed and you have evolved to want more and to want more from yourself. And until you actually put that into action and...

become that person that you are being called to become, you suffer. You feel it. You feel that emptiness. And so that's the other side of this that is not fully being shared. And that maybe doesn't play out for a while.

Somebody one time described hell as the moment when the person you are meets the person you might have become And I think we all can imagine that Scenario like we we can picture in our minds of like the best self and current self or the even the end self And if you haven't gone after it

Rachel Denning (33:30.413)
there's a real pain. Now, what's really interesting, we couldn't have done this podcast when we first got married. But I think we picked up on some of it. Specifically, I remember telling you, talking about this, I will not expect you to love me as I am. I will never come to you and say, Rachel, why don't you just love me as I am? Exactly. As a 23 -year -old. Fuck.

or as a 43 year old. Like whatever. To me that's just crazy to expect her to love me as though I have arrived. And this is it. Take it or leave it, love it or not, like this is it.

Which is... I got it. Which again is another partial truth. Yes, I love you the way you are. I love you as you are. You know, warts and all, so they say. And as I was at 23. Yes, and as you were at 23, exactly when we got married. Like, so that is part of it. But...

I think that that certainly has been a foundational piece of the success of our marriage long term is that we didn't just expect to love each other the way we are and stay that way. We fully expected, we fully embraced, we both fully committed to, we're going for our best selves. And we're going on this together and you know, I expect you to come along, you expect me to come along, it's not just sit back and you know.

stay in your current state for the rest of your life, that is not a part of our agreement. And we both know that. And that's how we want it because that has made our marriage better, that's made our life better, that's made us better.

Rachel Denning (35:21.069)
It's this total understanding that we are in this laboratory of growth and things are gonna get uncomfortable and things sometimes will get ugly and we're gonna face our failures and discomforts and realize we're not enough. We're not good enough, because we're not. And that's the other side of this coin. None of us are good enough. None of us are really that special. None of us.

Like, have it all together, we don't. And that's okay, but it's also not okay. See, and again, part of the trend we're seeing is saying things like you just said. Like, people will label that as a hate crime. Yeah. Like hate speech. Like, you're hurting people.

And I'm reading, almost done rereading the Book of Joy. And the Dalai Lama repeats that and just constantly repeating, I'm nobody special. I'm just like all of the other humans out there. Right. And, and they have things to teach me and hopefully I can share something with them, but we're all in this together. And he'll tell himself, I'm nobody special. He's like, that's how I can humbly walk into a stadium with 50 ,000 people and just speak to them because I realized.

I'm just one of them. I'm nobody special. That's just power in that of realizing simultaneously I'm nobody and I'm somebody and acknowledging I'm special and no just me just in human form going through the same thing all the humans are going through. So ultimately...

what we have to be able to do is to embrace seemingly opposing viewpoints at the same time. We have to... Which seems impossible. Seems impossible, but it's actually, I think, how you find real complete wholeness and meaning in life. And I think when people feel incomplete and feel that they're suffering...

Rachel Denning (37:32.237)
because they are missing something, it's because they're not embracing both. They're not being content and discontent at the same time. They're not being accepting and unaccepting or just not allowing themselves to stay where they are while at the same time being grateful for where they are right now. So they're opposing viewpoints. They're...

conflicting, they seem non -congruent, and yet by somehow grasping them both at the same time is when you begin to feel this sense of completeness or wholeness. That's what it is. And it's the polarity between men and women that draws us in. It's the yin and the yang. It's all the stuff that it's opposite ideas of being accepting and unaccepting at the same time.

And I remember having conversations a few years ago, somebody pulled me aside and they were concerned for my well -being and I appreciate it. It was genuine and thoughtful. And they were like, you know, I'm concerned that you don't love yourself enough and you just need to be comfortable being you. Because if you know anything about me, man, I am driven and I want to get better and I want to learn and grow and just I'm filled with divine discontent. But what I made clear in this conversation and I've been

settled in for years and years and years, a couple decades really, I'm comfortable in my own skin. I really am. I'm comfortable where I am. I celebrate where I've come from and what I've achieved. I love it and I simultaneously have both. I can embrace two opposing ideas. There's no way I'm staying here. And I'll have my moments where I'm like, this is unacceptable. It was really cool. Our 17 year old came up to the kitchen today and he kind of set his stuff down a little hard on the table. He's like, oh.

sick of mediocrity. I'm like, what's up? He's like, I can do better than this. I can do better than this. I'm leveling up, right? I'm like, yeah, right? And he's got it. And you have to have both. And then you have these times like I did this, I celebrated. What's interesting is my high achieving clients, they've leaned too far to the side of chasing now, and they rarely celebrate. So when I'm working with real high achievers, I'm actually pulling them back over. I'm like, did you just celebrate that? No, no, I just moved.

Rachel Denning (39:59.279)
on to the next thing. Like dude, you just accomplished something amazing and you're like, okay, that's good, it's done, moving on to the next problem. Like dance, man, celebrate, get gifts, like do whatever, like really celebrate your successes and then move on. Yeah, so you're actually bringing them back to this other side of like, you're good enough, you are awesome, you are special, you're amazing because they are leaning too far to that other side of like, it's never enough, it's never enough, never enough, right.

So that's the other part of this that is out there along with this.

idea of being perpetuated of that's all you need is just to accept yourself that you're good enough the way you are. Rich, if we could take it kind of black and white, it's not ever just clearly black and white, the one side would be underachieving because you just kind of sit back and just say I'm good where I am and then you don't really go anywhere. And the other side would be just overachieving, constantly going and never celebrating who you are and what you've done and celebrating successes. So an idea of

deal that I think we're holding up today is to do both in a really healthy way to to love yourself so much and also be like okay self that is absolutely unacceptable let's go right and to accept and and love and appreciate Rachel's love for me as I am.

But in simultaneously say, I'm not done, babe. I hope you love who I'm becoming and love me in the process and the target of where I'm going. Exactly. And in marriage, where marriage is this laboratory for that kind of growth,

Rachel Denning (41:54.637)
that when you get comfortable with that, like not every couple can do this obviously, but we've had a lot of practice that we can be comfortable with saying, I love you as the way you are, but I also see this. It can be tweaked or changed or improved, and we're both doing that.

So it's not now just ourselves that are providing both sides of that coin, the acceptance and the discontent, but now we can do it for each other too. That's another level. So this is, yeah, this is next level marriage. Yeah. But that is...

That is what marriage was intended, designed, evolved to be. And when I'm trying to come up with the right word, that is the perfect fertile ground for real growth. When I can do it myself and my spouse can do it with me. Where you can love me and celebrate with me and then call me out and call me up. And even like, I don't know what the word is, like, corrector.

give feedback of like, hey, you're awesome, I love you, that's unacceptable. And that element, man, it's like rocket fuel. Oh, totally. Absolutely. To just grow. That right there is how you achieve more growth and development than...

you ever could on your own. I mean, that is the magic formula is using marriage and family relationships too, because you can do this with your children as they grow and you have a good relationship with them. Yes. Using the parent child or parent mentor child can be the same way. You can love them and call them up and they can love themselves where they are and want to be better. And if you can build that dynamic, it's awesome. But let's go, let's walk through the sensitivity of it that we see often. If I'm leaning,

Rachel Denning (43:50.543)
too far to the side.

any suggestions that Rachel might... Too far to the I'm good enough side? To I'm good enough, love me as I am. And it might be I'm trying to protect my insecurities and maybe it was something from the way I was raised or something I'm afraid of or some rejection or failures or mistakes I made or ultimately kind of built on insecurities for the most part. But if I'm leaning to this side too far, you're not free or comfortable to make suggestions to me and it feels super threatening and it causes a fight. Exactly. And we see this all the time.

the time. Like, well, I can't say anything. If I say anything to my spouse, turns into fight this big other thing. The other side is if it's just go go go go go, I think one of the ways that comes out is I'm gonna always be picking on you.

and pointing things out and it's never enough, it's never enough. Exactly. Okay, good job, but it's the next thing. But what about this thing too? And what about that little thing and this little thing? And so yeah, it becomes this perfectionism where you're never allowed to be imperfect at all. And that's...

Unhealthy and I can do that to myself or you instead of marriage. So if I'm too far to that side I'm just gonna be driving driving driving and my wife like swear good job. That's enough No, it's not enough I have to do this and and drive to the neglect of my marriage or my kids or whatever else my health Because I'm just so going and it's hard to live with either way Yeah, either side going too far and not having the wholeness It's really hard to live with So

Rachel Denning (45:27.277)
Okay, so the question... How do you actually do it? Yeah, how do we lean into this? How do we... I'm good where I am and I'm not good enough. I think that that can be one of the most challenging parts of this whole process is knowing yourself well enough to know when to use which approach. When you...

need to be harder on yourself and push yourself more and when you need to be give yourself more grace. That's part of that's the most challenging thing and ultimately only you can know. And I think you can only know by actually getting to know yourself. And a lot of people don't know themselves. They really just haven't taken the time to become aware of who they actually are and whether they're actually giving their best or...

they're letting themselves slide. And so you have to start, I think, by paying attention and noticing, am I being honest with myself?

Am I being honest with who I am? And am I keeping commitments to myself? Like we talked about with our 28 day challenge that we used to do. If you can make and keep small daily commitments to yourself, that's the beginning of trusting yourself and getting to know yourself because you pay attention to who you are and what you're doing and whether or not you are true to your word. If you say, I'm gonna write 500 words or I'm gonna get up at a certain time or I'm gonna practice an instrument or I'm gonna work out every day and then you don't do it.

those things you know you can't trust yourself and until you can trust yourself you're gonna swing too far to one side or the other of this coin and having that deep awareness and then that commitment honesty helps you to know what to do because you might you might commit to get up every day at a certain time you get an early

Rachel Denning (47:24.973)
And then realize it's totally unrealistic or it might be unrealistic or you might realize again, this takes just takes unbelievable awareness because you believe the stories, right? Whatever you repeat, you believe and you believe the stories you tell yourself and you have to be able to have this awareness and honesty to say, wait a minute, am I using this as an excuse? Am I using this as a cop out of like, you know, no, I do need some more sleep. Or do you actually need more sleep? Exactly. Is it true? And you're like, you know, I'm actually I'm going to make a legitimate exception.

here and I'm gonna sleep in because I do need that I was woken up whatever or it's like okay yeah I got woken up I went right back to sleep this is just an excuse I really need to lean into this yeah so it ultimately takes a lot of very close differentiated self -awareness of being able to know yourself well enough to

Understand if you're being honest with yourself or if you're just making excuses for yourself if you're giving yourself what you really need because that's what you really need and you know it or you're just making excuses for Not following through with what you said you're going to be giving yourself all kinds of leniency and and well taking things lightly with levity right and and in this journey

you've got to know what to do and when to do it. It takes a lot of wisdom and practice. Which comes back to the self -awareness. That's what the wisdom is in my mind. And I think this practice, here's an invitation, I'll give you a specific practice to kind of walk through for self -awareness.

is lean one way or the other mentally and mentally and emotionally and see what it triggers. See what it stirs up. So get a notebook and give yourself a little time. Get a notebook or journal or open up a document or something. Take some notes.

Rachel Denning (49:30.669)
Because you want to write it down. You won't remember it necessarily. It's hard to observe it. So be willing to write it down and just lean one way or the other side and lean back. And you'll find your triggers. You'll find your issues. And you'll find where you might be out of balance. Because if you start leaning into, you know, I am somebody.

Oh no, that makes me feel prideful. And you're so worried about being arrogant and proud. I meet people like this. They're hyper sensitive about being genuinely good. Because they are really extreme on one side and so you try to pull them back to this other side a little bit and they're like, no. And it's almost that they view the other side of the coin as a bad thing. Like it's a...

What's the opposite of a virtue? It's a vice or a flaw. They'll see it as a flaw. So literally, no joke, you guys, every day throughout my coaching sessions, I'll make emphasis one side or the other. So all throughout the day, depending on the client.

and specific things with each client. So in a coaching conversation with one client, I might be like, hey, do this, and hey, do this. And I'm like, literally bouncing back and forth on the coin depending on where they're at. Depending on where they are with that. And that's a good point too, because it could be different with each situation in your life. Exactly. In your marriage, you might need to give yourself more grace, but with your parenting, maybe you need to push yourself a little more. There's no grace, dude. You need to step it up. Let's go, right? And it's wisdom to know that for yourself and...

And in coaching, right, and that's why coaching is so extremely valuable and having a group and a tribe is because you get to hear other voices like, oh, okay, like kind of calling me out and knowing or pulling you back. And I'll say this all the time. And again, here I am doing the very thing that we're talking about. Have some grace for yourself. Be forgiving.

Rachel Denning (51:34.701)
of your journey. Every week I get to talk to people who've been through really, really hard stuff. Everybody has this story.

And I'm constantly saying, wow, you've been through so much. Have patience and grace with yourself. And love yourself. Love yourself. Accept yourself and be amazed at who you are and where you are and what you've overcome. Celebrate that. Because it is incredible. The tears roll when I say things like that because they need to hear that. Right. They need to believe that about themselves. And then some days I'll be like, step it up, buttercup.

You're being weak. Your goals are impotent. You're not living up to what your potential is, right? You're leaving greatness and power sitting there on the table while you live in your excuses and your stories. I even get some tears on that sometimes, right? Yeah, absolutely. But there's a time for that talk. Because when you know that that's the truth... Yes, it hits. In fact, I mean, that's one of the ways I know...

And I'll do this now with Greg. If I know that there's something, and maybe this is part of the answer of like how do you actually do this? How do you actually apply this in your life? And in Harmony or along with what you're recommending about writing things down or you could talk it out with someone you trust.

I will explore thoughts and ideas and I'll be like, is it this? Is it this? Is it this? And when I feel the emotion coming of like, oh yeah, I could cry, I'm like, okay, that's what it is. I've touched on it right there. That's the thing. And then I go exploring there a little more to figure out what it is and why and how and...

Rachel Denning (53:22.989)
gained that awareness about myself that previously was hidden. That is how it's done ultimately. Which is something people usually avoid doing. They'd rather just accept themselves for who they are and be done with it. And that is not going to solve your problem. Not at all. Nor make you your best self.

that journey, I think I feel comfortable saying, is going to be uncomfortable. Right. Like go down into that, into the mind palace, go into the depths of some corridor, into the shadows there and really explore it and be like, okay, well, if I don't accept myself as I am and I push myself, oh, and that starts to feel really bad for you.

find out why and I know for a lot of people it's because as soon as they go to that side they have this deep sense of unworthiness or guilt or over well yeah so it might be overwhelming like well every time I try to set goals and try to lean into my potential I feel so overwhelmed and it just seems futile so I'm just not gonna do it anymore that that's kind of that's a very common reaction well every time I chase goals and I get excited and I get ambitious I just feel

well my life falls apart I'm just not doing anymore and they come to the erroneous conclusion that I just shouldn't do that. When you sit down with me I'll be like oh well it's actually some systems and some strategies and a few tools and some training and now the overwhelm goes away and the stress goes away and but if you didn't have that you're like oh man every time I chase it I get ulcers. I literally get physically unhealthy when I set goals so no more goals. Or...

your way on the other side like, oh, I can't accept myself because if I just go full into acceptance, then, you know, you feel proud or arrogant or I just stopped doing anything. And maybe that's a weakness. Like you lean over there and then you literally just stop doing anything with your life and you just sit there saying, I love me. I love me. And so find out what it is. It's not one thing or the other.

Rachel Denning (55:35.629)
It's exploring, mentally going down these corridors and finding, again, getting to know yourself. And where did that come from and is it true? And it's the meaning that you're giving it. Why are you giving it that meaning? And process that and then come back to the spot where...

Again, the pursuit is, and Rachel and I aren't saying that we have the whole truth, we're on this journey and we found it's been extremely helpful for us in this journey to acknowledge both sides regularly. Absolutely. I mean, I think that that has been a major key to the success that we have achieved is by being able to balance that, to go between...

acceptance and gratitude and divine discontent and what's what unacceptance is I don't like that the opposing word of acceptance but like drive I guess and ambition

And what's really cool is we've been having this conversation since we got married. Yeah. Without always knowing we were having this conversation. But it was little bits and pieces of it, but that is what has allowed our marriage to be amazing. And there was times, yeah, and there was times when...

we were swinging one side or the other because we didn't fully understand it yet. And so we would push ourselves and then we'd be like, oh, we just have to accept and be grateful where we are. And so it was more of a swinging. This huge pendulum swing way over here for months or years and then way back. Right. Until we were able to more fully embrace it. And it's not that we don't swing at all with anything, but with more awareness of understanding what it is and that it's a two -sided coin.

Rachel Denning (57:26.925)
we're able to better realize what's happening when it's happening. Right. Just simply by settling this beautiful, I think, life philosophy of, and I would say a necessity, of being able to embrace seemingly opposing ideas. To have both the black and the white inside.

the yin and the yang. That's why it's a meaningful symbol. It's not just a hippie thing. It's so awesome. Okay. Anything else? No, I think that's it. So you guys, if this has been helpful, share it. Share it with someone you know who needs to hear it. Subscribe. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Subscribe to the podcast. And we would love your reviews on the podcast. Wherever you listen. If you like it, it's insightful. If you have this, just jump on, share a review so we can get this in front of more families.

This is what it's all about. Love sharing this stuff and living this life trying to get that whole painting revealed. So instead of, we'll circle back to Melville, instead of living in the horrors of a half -lived life, you live literally in the bliss and fulfillment and meaning of chasing a whole life. It's beautiful. Okay, love you guys. Reach upward.