#174 Marriage Q&A: Intellectual Conversations, Over-Helping, & Why This Famous Sexpert is WRONG

Rachel Denning (00:10.798)
Greg and I regularly receive questions from parents and spouses on all sorts of topics, which we love by the way. So if you have a question, please don't hesitate to ask us. You can leave a voice message for us on our podcast page, or you can email us support at extraordinaryfamilylife .com.

Recently, we received some questions about marriage, specifically how to have more engaging conversations and intellectual connections with your spouse as opposed to discussing the mundane life logistics all the time. Along those lines, how do you accept your spouse for where they are at the moment on their growth journey while still encouraging and helping them to do better, to make an effort, and to be interested and interesting?

Connected to this idea, which we explain in this episode, is how to make more time for sexual connection. Especially when you're trying to do things like go to bed early, so you can start your day with a morning routine. And how do Greg and I make time for sex multiple times per week? We also get fired up over the advice of a well -known sexpert who, in our view, is just plain wrong and discuss why sex is a need for men and especially a need for marriage.

Finally, we answer a question about how to help a spouse who's lost a job or some other similar situation without over -helping them so that you become a nuisance and they feel disrespected and demoralized. You do not wanna miss this great Q &A session. This episode is sponsored by our Extraordinary Marriage Masterclass. If you're not working on your marriage, then by default, you are working on your divorce.

Marriage is not static and it isn't unchanging. It's in a constant state of flux, day by day, sometimes hour by hour. And you can't blame your spouse because you don't have a better marriage. The responsibility lies in your hand and it is within your power. It only takes one person to make a marriage better. Bring back the passion, the romance, the friendship, and the magic of being a man and woman in love with our Extraordinary Marriage Masterclass. You can visit ExtraordinaryFamilyLife .com.

Rachel Denning (02:18.638)
and click on the link at the top for marriage and stop settling for a marriage that is less than awesome. Learn the simple strategies that Greg and I have used consistently to create the marriage of our dreams and you can too.

Rachel Denning (02:34.798)
Hello my friend sometimes I feel like starting out with Neil Diamond I don't know why that sticks in my mind from when I was a kid. Hello my friends. Hello. I was a little kid Neil Diamond on the records, you know the big records. Listen hello my friends. Hello my friends. Hello. It's Wayne All right. Sorry everybody. Welcome to another episode of the extraordinary family life podcast Today's gonna be fun. Oh

crazy fun. You guys sent over multiple questions. We got some good stuff and they might even be questions that could be whole episodes but we're gonna try to hit two or three questions. We're gonna really give it our best shot because we are winded sometimes aren't we together. It's funny people are like can we interview both of you we have 45 minutes you're like

Rachel just gets warmed up at 45 minutes. That's without me saying anything. And then I got plenty to go. We went out, well I'm rambling again here, we went out to dinner with some friends and both of us, I feel we're talking too much telling stories but we laughed and we're both like, I thought of all these other stories we could have told too. It was so relevant. We could have told stories all night long. Because we've lived so many lifetimes, babe. So fun. So just a quick update. I...

did just finished first man camp of the year and it was awesome. Lots of manliness. Well the best part was just really connecting with the guys. Great discussions man. Great discussions about a lot about parenting this time. How to be great dads and marriage stuff and personal stuff. We just, you open up, you have this heart to heart with.

with a group of good guys, all of whom are eager to be their best selves and willing to help. We just had some really meaningful discussions. I took lots of notes in my journal and in writing, and then we had some fun with go -karts. We ate some amazing food, amazing awesome food. And then did the manly stuff, Krav Maga, self -defense, emergency medical training. I would practice with chest seals and tourniquets and all that good stuff.

Rachel Denning (04:55.757)
and then tactical firearms, you know, you get out and handguns and AR -15s. And talked about being dangerous. Talked about being dangerous and why we have to be dangerous. And I told them we hiked up to the top of this mountain, well, mountain. If you've ever been to Georgia, there's a mountain. There's a mountain. So we climbed to the top there and we talked about that. And I shared just shared a couple of stats, right, about, you know, we were standing there on top of this mountain overlooking Atlanta.

And just last year in Atlanta, there were over 21 ,000 violent crimes, just in one city. And most of us live in places where we're so safe and life's so peaceful and easy and you think, ah man. You might slip into this spot of like, I don't know if I have to be the dangerous man. And in this context, so some of you are like, what? Why are you telling people to be dangerous? But like dangerous in a good way, like.

You can protect yourself, you can protect your family, and you can protect others. Like, you're dangerous enough to be like, hey, don't mess with me, and I can defend myself. Well, and Jordan Peterson talks about that the best men are dangerous men. They have the capability for danger, and even for evil. Like, truly virtuous people aren't just naive and innocent. All of us have the capacity for evil.

but it's only when we bring that under voluntary control that we actually become truly virtuous. And in this case, you have the capacity for danger and violence, but it's under voluntarily control unless it needs to be used. And you would use it, know when to use it. Exactly. And use it to stop evil and keep darkness at bay. And interestingly, as I looked up some stats, there's an American...

raped every 68 seconds in this country. And violent crime. So it's happening all around. And as much as we live in great places, and I hope you do, and as much as I hope all of us, like, we never have to experience this, man, I want to be ready if we ever have to. Right. And like, OK, whatever. Bring it. Right. So we talked about that. Anyways, great trip. Super crazy fun. Got another one coming up in June. Just sign up for an adventure race.

Rachel Denning (07:10.349)
Also in June, oh I signed up for another shooting course in June. And then we can sign up for the Kilimanjaro in September. We got all kinds of stuff coming. It's going to be a blast. So today, let's dive in. Rach is going to read the questions or kind of give you context of the questions. And then. Did you already say we're doing Q &A? I forgot. Yep, yep I did. And so we'll hit, let's just go. Let's just hit this first question. And so on this first one.

We have kind of addressed this topic in a way before. It has to do with marriage. It has to do with getting aligned with your spouse, getting your spouse on board. We did a full podcast on that. We did. And so you'll definitely want to listen to that podcast if you haven't, but I feel that there was enough in here, enough nuance in here that we could expand on this, especially in a Q &A. So it says I'm working on accepting my spouse for where he is on his journey.

Great, we did discuss that in previous podcasts. I don't know which episode number. We'll have to look it up for sure, whatever. Yeah, boom. Accept, love, be there. Yeah, that's a key part of marriage. You do have to accept your spouse. But, okay, maybe that's where the party starts. Yes, accept, but no, don't acquiesce. Don't settle. Yeah.

don't become complacent, it's not permanent. So this idea, this mindset of acceptance isn't fixed acceptance like, oh that's the way she is and too bad. Nothing I can do about it and she'll always be that way. Because in a way that is, Greg always, he loves to say you get what you tolerate. And it's so true because if you tolerate something, you're gonna keep getting that thing. Like if you tolerate,

making a certain amount of money, you're gonna keep making that amount of money. If you tolerate living in the conditions you're living in, you're gonna keep living in those conditions. If you tolerate the state of your marriage, you're gonna keep getting that state of your marriage. And so, you do have to love and accept people where they are and where they are on their journey, but at the same time, you have to set boundaries. You have to set standards. That's what you're doing when you're creating an intentional life. You're creating the boundaries of what you're gonna tolerate. And when you say, I'm no longer gonna tolerate this,

Rachel Denning (09:37.741)
things change. Now change isn't pleasant or help or I don't know, peaceful, happy, comfortable all the time. In fact, it's very often not those things. But that's doesn't matter. That's just how it is. It's going to be uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean you should avoid change because change is going to be uncomfortable. Right. And the difficulty here is we're

It's one thing to not tolerate something in yourself. You're like, hey, self, I'm not gonna tolerate the condition of his body anymore. I'm getting healthy. But then you start thinking about another human being, like, hey, I'm not gonna tolerate that in you. Like, whoa, wait, what? Because I can't control you. And you can't force me either. This force doesn't work. And in fact, when you try to force, the more you try to force,

force something on someone, the more they'll dig in and hold on. Which again, the perfect fable for that is the North wind and the sun. The more the North wind blew, the more the man held on tighter and tighter to his coat. And then when the sun came out and just gently put a little warmth, he's like, woo, I'm gonna kick this coat right off. And the same principles here too. So you hear us saying, don't tolerate. Don't tolerate it. And in your mind, you're like, I'm gonna straight tell him what's up. And I'm gonna say you do this or else. My way or the highway.

That is not what we're saying at all. Because this is where it gets tricky and perhaps difficult where it requires tons of skill, diplomacy, tact, finesse. You really got to work on this. You can have healthy firm boundaries without me telling you how it is and forcing you or, I don't know, I think about this all the time, especially with parenting.

Okay, if you're having a problem with your child doing this thing, it's because they don't understand. Yes, they do, I've told them. Yeah. Like, well, you telling them doesn't mean they understand. Right? You telling your spouse how it is doesn't necessarily mean they get it and it may not be the appropriate way to set a boundary or hold a standard or stop tolerating. So it has to be done really well, effectively. Right. And so people are saying, well, how?

Rachel Denning (11:59.725)
How do you do that? I got nothing, good luck with that. There's no hope for you, there's no hope for any of us. Well, one thing I do want to say, one way you do do it is I think inspiration. Inspiration and genuinely earned respect is one of the best ways to do that. If you can't be inspiring and you can't be respected, there's no hope in you.

Helping your spouse change. And you know what's beautiful about that, about being inspiring and respected, is it demands that you lead out. That you get results and you don't flaunt them, you don't stick it in their face and you don't become arrogant or prideful about it. You get legit results that your spouse cannot deny. And then you say, come with me, let's do this. Right? And they can't be like...

Like some spouse is like, you're sitting here preaching to me about something that you suck at. So I'm sorry. You're still drinking sodas every single day. And talking to me about how you want to be vegan or how you are vegan. You're going vegan because it's healthier and you're drinking two, two liters of soda every day and just wasting weight. Yeah. So you're right. You have to walk the talk. Walk the walk. Oh yeah. Walk the walk. Walk the talk, right? Do that.

No, walk the talk. If you're throwing, blah, blah, blah, blah, you're telling you, walk the talk, man. Yeah, because your words... Okay, here's where you're in self -sabotage. Your words won't land if you're not... Living the message. Living it well and not arrogantly, not as this badge of honor. You're not sticking it in your face. It's not...

It's not you carrying your cross and this chip on your shoulder. I'm doing it. Being the martyr. Yeah, no being the martyr. That's a big one. You're just doing it and it's inspiring and it's respectable. And it's extremely, extremely challenging. Like we're not going to lie here. This is not, that's not an easy path to take, but it's the only path there is really to creating something truly extraordinary. Like the...

Rachel Denning (14:19.053)
our extraordinary life was not built on easy pathways. You and I have committed, both of us have committed to that. That, what you just described is what we've lived. We've each committed to making the best of ourselves and because we have, that's why it's worked so well because we're able to say, or we're able to show, this is what I'm doing.

And it inspires the other to, I don't know, keep up sounds weird because it's not like it's a competition per se, but it's like we're trying to go together. It's like, okay, let's go. Hey, yeah. So it's almost like a team competition. It's an adventure race. And yeah, I am trying to keep up with you and you're trying to keep up with me and we're trying to be our previous records. And we're also supporting each other when, you know, because there's times of weakness or...

disappointment or failure or whatever and so we're supporting each other in those times knowing that it's temporary. It's not, you're not gonna, I'm not gonna have to be carrying you forever, right? Vice versa. It's knowing that in those times it's temporary but we're gonna keep pushing forward together. A perfect example is whenever we're in Europe and I want gelato, Rachel's like, okay, pull over. And she's supporting my gelato. Gelato weakness. My gelato weakness. Supporting you in your weakness.

Just kidding. You know what's interesting though, you're right about there's an irony to the difficulty. Because as you're describing like, hey, this is challenging, this is tough, you got to lean in, you got to commit to a high standard and live by it. And, but you look back over it. Sorry, just for, it's also for a long period of time. Yes, it's extended. It can't be a fad diet. Weeks, months, years, decades that you're committing to this.

pursuit.

Rachel Denning (16:14.157)
Interestingly, as you're describing that, I'm sort of thinking, well, but it hasn't been that hard. When you get into it, it gets easier. It gets easier. Yeah. And so then you're living at this higher standard. The extra effort to create an extraordinary life then just becomes a part of your way of being. And you're like, this is amazing. And people are like, how do you do it? And you're like, just do it.

But I think it becomes easier. You're exactly right. But I think getting into that way of being can be challenging because you're going against your current nature. Going against the current and breaking out of inertia. But we've shared this quote by Emerson before. It's worth sharing again. He said, that which we persist in doing becomes easier to do, not the nature of the thing has changed, but that our ability to do is increased. Exactly. And you just keep doing it.

And some people might think, wow, it just sounds like so much work. Like, why? What's the point? I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing. It's easier. May I please answer that question? Well, yeah, I'm planning on answering it. If you're not, I'm going to answer it. And I get it. I get logically like, what's the point? It's so hard. And my immediate response is like, are you kidding me? Because it's so much harder not to.

You think living a great life is hard? Try living a crappy life. That's miserable. You think becoming wealthy is hard? Try being poor. You think having a great marriage is hard? Try having a crappy one. Yeah. That's just... Absolutely. And I was thinking the exact same thing. I mean, you either pay for it this way or you pay for it the other way. Either way you're paying for it. I like it. I just thought you pay for it in discipline or you pay for it in disaster.

Exactly, it's so true. Discipline please. Yes. I'll take the tab on that day all day long. Check please. I'll pay that. And it's so worth it. It is absolutely worth it. So yeah, that's why it's worth the effort even though it is hard. It's hard for you to be that example. It's hard for you to be worthy of respect. It's hard for you to be inspiring day after day after day to your spouse and to your children. But...

Rachel Denning (18:36.141)
What's the alternative? Do you really want that? Do you really want the alternative of being an uninspired, unrespectable spouse and parent? No. Existing day to day in some mediocre, frustrating, uh, existence, disturbing existence where you, you know, it's below your capability and it just tears you up. Yeah. No, no way. So well, and as Rachel was saying that it's also,

hard, so to speak, to lead out when your spouse isn't on board yet. That can be tough. You're like, okay, I feel like I have to carry this whole load by myself. And to that I say, okay, do it. Is it worth it? Maybe you do for a little bit. Buckle up, buttercup. Lift that load and lead out and dry everybody up. And you have always been so good at doing that. You are always the rock.

You're always carrying the load when none of the rest of us can. You just do that. And it's been the strength and foundation of our family. Thank you. I was thinking that all those times I needed to change a simple line on my website and couldn't possibly figure out how to do it. A little bit of HTML code, babe. And she's like, it's so easy. I'm like, I'm going to break my computer in half. So I think we've.

we pulled together and it's worked. Should we get to the question? Yeah, that was like the first line. Okay, anyways.

I want to have deeper conversations and he does too, but it seems like the topics I enjoy discussing, what I'm learning in books and podcasts, etc. does not interest him as much. I usually forego those topics, which leaves me hanging and we talk about everyday life logistics more than heart to heart conversation. Any tips on how to navigate this? How to have more engaging conversation and to lead it? Obviously telling the spouse who doesn't like their spouse's conversation topics to change somehow.

Rachel Denning (20:40.783)
could help but they won't be listening to that podcast. Does that make sense or is it confusing? Yes. Okay, so this is just... So what can I do with how it ends? It's an iteration on lots of questions we get. We get questions like this all the time, like, okay, I'm interested in this, let's try this, I want to try this, I want to go this way with our family, marriage, parenting, conversation, whatever. So it's an iteration and I like this one because, well, conversation is so critical.

And we're going to talk more about this later because it ties into the second question. Yes, which is so powerful. So.

Like how do we have meaningful conversations with our spouses and with anyone for that matter, but particularly you've got to talk. More importantly with your spouses because intellectual meaningful conversation is critically important to your marriage relationship. You cannot go through your married life dealing only with the logistics of day to day living. Now that has to happen too, but it can't be the only thing. And if that's...

all you do or even the bulk of you do, that's boring. That's dull. It's transactional like we talk about. So what she's alluding to here, and we get questions from husbands and wives all across the board, right? So nobody's getting thrown on a bus here. Nobody's in trouble. We're not condemning anyone. You're just like, okay, how do we get this level where, yes, we're taking care of the transactional stuff, we're talking about those things, but how is it we can have...

meaningful, fulfilling, like enjoyable intellectual, spiritual, philosophical conversations.

Rachel Denning (22:20.877)
that it's exciting and engaging and you're like, that was so fun, babe. Like, I love talking to you. Absolutely. I kind of have this silly grin on my face because I was thinking of yesterday. Yes, which I was going to talk about in the second one because that is funny. We'll talk about that, our nude philosophy anyways. Teaser so you keep listening.

In some ways this question is asking how do we find anything we want to talk about? Because we see this with couples. This is not uncommon. You get excited to date each other and you have things you talk about and you do together and then you get married and you have kids and now you're so busy with work and kids and dealing with the logistics that that seems to be what you talk about all the time and then you lose...

those shared interests. And so you get to this point where you're like, how do we find something to talk about? Where do we?

spark a conversation here. And mutual interest. Mutual interest because you get going on your thing, I get going on my thing, we're going down our paths of life. They might be separate paths. Right, they might not always cross over. So what are we going to talk about besides like doing playing house together? Like what do we get on? So I always love to think through in my mind like what is the underlying problem?

and what is the underlying cause of said problem. And it's more complex than just one thing. I've got a couple things. So do I. Okay. One thing that's standing out to me right now is my own experience. I found that earlier on I had such a difficult time communicating with people.

Rachel Denning (24:16.973)
talking to people, conversing with people, connecting with people. Taking interest. Taking interest in people because my knowledge base, my own understanding, my own experience, my own reading was so drastically limited. It was like people were speaking a foreign language or I was just like, I'm not interested in that, like whatever. And it was me.

I lacked exposure to new ideas and places and things and genres and topics. And so in my mind, I'm like, well, I'm not interested in that stuff. Well, of course you're not interested. You've never read a single book on it. You've never been there. You never talked to me. You know, I really care about. And it was my own small.

my own smallness, so to speak. And the more I read, the more I was genuinely interested and curious, the more places I visited, the more relationships I built, the more I was trying to understand people and places and things. Wow.

Then I built this entire framework, this scaffolding across - In your brain? Yeah, in my brain, scaffolding across the globe and topics in time. Now I can have a conversation - Someone brings something up, you're like, oh, that sparks this connection I already have in my brain. I read something about that, I talked to somebody about that, I've been to a place like that. And now I can talk to almost anyone, almost anywhere - And be interested in what they're saying. Yeah, and they could be going on, I'm like, okay, I'm having a hard time tracking here because of your vocabulary, your expertise or whatever.

But I can be interested in the person. I can be interested in learning about something I know nothing about or even now behind it. Yes, exactly. So then they're talking about the same. I'm like, you know, I've looked at it. I've understood it. I am not really interested in that thing per se, but I'm interested in the principle. I'm interested in psychology. I'm interested in the person. And why are they so fascinated? And okay, I'm not interested in that thing you're really good at, but I want to know how you got this.

Rachel Denning (26:25.231)
good at it because that's a universal principle. So it was me expanding myself that really allows me to connect more. Right. So in some ways what you're saying is that one of the reasons you might not be having conversations in your marriage is because as individuals you have become uninteresting or uninterested people. You've limited your exposure and your experience to whatever it is you're doing, your work, your family life.

that outside of that you're not interested in something else and you're not...

interesting to talk to because of it. So I become a pretty dull dude. Yeah. I go to my job and I do the same thing day in and day out. I'm punching the time clock here, come home, let's say I like football. So I go to my job, I watch some football and you're like, hey babe, let's talk about this. I'm like, I don't know anything about that. And subtly I'm like, and I don't know anything about it, so I feel a little insecure. Right. I don't want to look stupid to my wife.

Oh man, a man looking dumb in front of this woman. That's dumb. I don't want to talk about that. Right? And it's me, man. I'm dull. Right. So, but of course in this conversation she's saying, okay, obviously she's aware that that is a concern. She's already aware that's a thing. So then the other side is, what can I do? Because she can't necessarily be like...

You're boring and uninterested, so, you know. No wonder you can't have a conversation with me. Because you're so underdeveloped. Exactly, right. That's not going to go off too well. What can happen though, is having conversations with your spouse, I don't want anyone to assume that this is going to just happen naturally. Like, this is something we had to develop.

Rachel Denning (28:23.501)
It didn't just happen by chance that we suddenly were like, wow, we get to have, I mean, I guess in some ways it did for us because we are already these geeky, nerdy people that were reading a lot. And so we actually built our, we'd started dating, talking about books. About books we were reading, which, okay, that's one of the principles, which I would say to do. Yeah, it's the same principle. Start.

reading things that you both could be interested in watching movies if you have to start with a movie or a podcast or a video or

some principle, some event, some historical thing, like start somewhere and be proactive about it. Right. What I'm saying is you do have to make it happen. Right. And if you have to say to your spouse, I want to be able to have intellectual conversations with you. Let's read this book or ...

watch this movie or listen to this podcast, let them choose if they want and talk about it. Like you're that specific. Yeah, you're that specific about it. You're not like leaving it up to chance of I'm going to set this book on his desk and see if he reads it and then we might talk about it. Like no, be very direct. I want to have conversations with you. I want to be more intellectual with you. Like I want to connect mentally with you. And let's say for whatever reason, I'm the resistant one. What would you do then?

You didn't want to? Yeah, if I'm like, I don't know, it doesn't interest me. Yeah, we talked about this and we mentioned this in our other podcast and we call it this breaking point. Well, wait, okay, before the breaking point. Okay. Which is good because she, there's a point for that, but before that, I'm just thinking like...

Rachel Denning (30:09.645)
lean the other way. So if I come to Rachel, I'm like, Hey, let's, I want to talk to you. And you're like, no, no, no. I'm like, okay, you pick something. So I could come with 10 things. Like I'm going to initialize it. Okay. You pick something. Yes. Go to, go outside and say, babe, pick something, anything, find like anything that might interest you. I'm going to, I'm going to turn my interest on my curiosity on to jump into that space. So that can start happening. Yeah. Right. Then.

past that, it's kind of the back to the you get what you tolerate thing of you need to set this sort of boundary. You get what you're tolerating. If you're not having conversations, ultimately, 100 % ownership, you're tolerating that by not making it happen or ... Not forcing it, but making it happen. Right, which there's a nuance there, but by not making it happen or ...

I guess I'm saying seriously, excuse me, there's a frog, seriously emphasizing how strongly this matters to you, you're not showing them how serious you are about this. Like, I want this to happen, this really matters to me. And so you have to push a little bit with that. And that's when it can get to what we're talking about, the breaking point. First of all, you're saying, okay, I'm not gonna tolerate this, I want to have these conversations.

Now, and we did talk about the how you have to do that with diplomacy intact and you have to be inspiring and you have to be have finesse. All of that is important. But we all, we do also want to emphasize when we talk about this breaking point that sometimes that is necessary and it's not always.

Rachel Denning (31:52.973)
How do you say? It's not always pretty. We believe, and if you're not sure what we're talking about with this breaking point, listen to the other broadcast. Sometimes there has to be breaking points in marriage. And it basically is this, no, I'm putting my foot down, not putting it on top of your foot, but I'm putting it down. This is going to happen in our marriage because this matters to me. I want to connect with you.

in more ways. I want to go deeper with you. And we need to make this work. Because this is how I want our marriage to be. So the breaking point is essentially most couples avoid it. They avoid facing the elephant in the room.

They avoid talking about the obviously unpleasant subjects because they don't want to have that contention. And we're saying, no, face that contention, come up against it and deal with it. So, because on the other side of that contention is actually deeper intimacy, essentially. Like if you can get to that point and push through it and beyond it, that's where deeper intimacy and connection lies.

So that's the other, I guess, that's what can I do? Well, you can do, first of all, being more intentional and saying straight out, hey, I wanna have conversations, we're not, let's pick something to actually discuss. If that doesn't work, then you go to the next level.

This is what I expect. I want deeper intimacy in our marriage. I want deeper intellectual intimacy in our marriage. This needs to happen. And if that brings up contention, you need to be willing to face that contention and push through it. So you can get to the other side of that. And you guys are so much we can do to be more strategic and more proactive.

Rachel Denning (33:50.445)
As you're talking, I'm listening to what you're saying. I'm like, oh, well, they can just try something new together. They can go somewhere new together. Like what you're trying to do is bring up new stimuli. You want more conversation, you want more connection, try new things, do new things. Like get engaged, go to a concert, go to a...

Go see a speaker take a class together. There's so much you can do to start stimulating Absolutely conversation and bring life back to your marriage Yeah, and I'm gonna bring this up this might be a controversial point for some people but I think it's I think it can actually be very healthy if done correctly and That's talk about people

And you might be like, wow, that's like gossiping. We shouldn't do that. But I think especially if it's done between a husband and wife, it's done in privacy. You don't have to do it in front of your kids or in front of other people. But you're talking about relationships, situations, circumstances, and learning from it. So let's say talk about principles that have to do with people. I know, but I'm saying it this way in a controversial way on purpose.

Because the whole idea of small minds sit around talking about people, mediocre minds talk about events, and great minds talk about ideas, right? I'm paraphrasing a quote, I think it was from Eleanor Roosevelt maybe, but I get what you're saying. Right. And you want to keep going with it. Sure. Just the idea that when you, because what it does when you're talking about the people, quote unquote, is that it's bringing...

Issues. Issues and examples to the forefront. You're able to look at a couple you know or someone in your family or whatever the situation is and together you can talk about it.

Rachel Denning (35:37.229)
and say, well, this is interesting because they did this and they did this and I wonder what the psychology is behind that and look at the results that came out. What are we learning from talking about this? Not just like, hey, he's an idiot. Well, that's the challenge. Most of us, we just go to like mudslinging and throwing people under the bus. Roasting. And we don't get any benefit out of it. We don't like learn from it or just sitting around and you can feel it. You can feel pride come up or resentment or whatever or enmity.

And that's not it, that's not it at all. It's like, hey, that's interesting. What about that? Like, what's going on? They're like, hey, man, I just heard about so and so. They just, man, just went through a tough divorce. A couple elements. Obviously, I don't know the story and there's two sides to every story and then the truth. Exactly. But, man, babe, what can you and I do to make sure we never go down that path or...

And we can talk about that and we're like, hey, what's our biggest risk? Like if you and I were to start heading towards divorce, what would most likely cause that? What can we do to prevent it? Or you look around and you're like, oh man, somebody in the church congregation or somebody at school, boy, their kids just went AWOL. Wow.

What can we do to help our kids? Right? And then we're, well, and it's meaningful. It's not just kind of taking care of, you know, the house and family, but like, what can we do differently? How can we be great? How can we be extraordinary? How can we build a life we love? Or you, oh, we saw this, Rachel and I had a layover in Newark, and there was a couple of magazines there. It was like a hundred places to visit before you die.

Get a magazine like that. Shoot, just pull it up online. It'll be on Pinterest or something. 100 places to visit before you die. Just start talking about it. Start planning. Go through that list of 100 and see which one you both want to go. And you might be going along, like me, and not so much, not so much. And then both of you get to one and you're like, yes, that place. Put it on the calendar. Start planning. I guess I'm just throwing out all these different ideas. You can do so much to start.

Rachel Denning (37:55.533)
Bringing up conversations and topics. Sparking. Yeah, sparking. Yeah. Oh, I like that. Excuse me. Be a sparkler. Okay, so then she also had a second question here that we actually believe ties in. We're going to demonstrate how that connects. Not demonstrate. We're not demonstrating. We're going to expound on how this connects. We will demonstrate after the podcast is recorded. Oh.

Anyways, I love your course and suggestions on rising early and making the most of your mornings, which means having a decent bedtime. Where on earth do you fit in sex?

I mean, yeah, you just do, I guess, but if I want to stick to my early bedtime so I can get enough sleep to wake up early, how do I make more time for that? And you say multiple times a week, which boggles my mind even more. This is also a very common question we get. I get it from coaching clients. You get it from anyone who is busy and wants to be productive.

And ultimately, it's the same question of like, okay, now I'm married, now we have kids, now we have more kids, now we have even some more kids, and we have responsibilities, and we things we want to do, we trips, and like, blah, blah, blah, blah. How do we do it all? And do it. Yeah, and do it. Now, one of the things that stood out to me right away was how I actually saw that these two questions are quite interconnected.

And the reason being is that you and I have learned through experience and through working with a lot of people that there's a direct connection between conversation and sex in a marriage. And sex and conversation. And sex and conversation, right? And in fact, we usually refer to it as like a circle and that the circle, well, it could be either two half circles that connect together or it's just this ongoing cycle, but it's the sex and the conversation that go round and round and keep the marriage connected.

Rachel Denning (39:57.199)
together. So... And what's often happening is one spouse wants more conversation and one spouse wants more sex. Exactly. And it's such an easy formula. Give the other spouse what that person wants and you're very likely to get what you want. But unfortunately, it is an easy formula. Although I think many people who aren't aware of that, it doesn't work out quite so well for them. Sure.

Some people some spouses and you've worked with some will give their wives tons and tons and tons of conversation So I'm like I'm gonna listen and listen and I'm gonna get some action and it never happens. She's like I talked for three hours I'm really tired. Let's go to bed. He's like Yes, where's the sex because neither of them are understanding how this is a circle of connection That actually binds them both together now when you do understand this it becomes extremely powerful when you understand that

my spouse can fulfill my needs for communication and connection and intellectually, mentally, emotionally, and I can fulfill their needs physically, mentally, emotionally through sex, then you keep having deeper and deeper intimacy by completing the circle. So in some ways... And you have to talk through this, so you're right. So there's mutual understanding. Yes. And maybe it is that. Like, look, this is so important to me.

And then you tell me what's important to you. I'm like, okay, let's work this together and let's keep reminding each other of how important this is. And we still do this. And we're in this awesome rhythm now. And she'll tell me like, hey, I want to talk. And it took a while because I'm a little slow. But I'm like, oh, yeah, she needs to talk. She needs to talk. Great. As much as you sometimes feel that you need sex. And sometimes I'll be like, hey, babe, what do you think? She's like, I don't know. I'm like, babe.

No, like. I need, I need you. No, okay, this is a perfect time. Wait, maybe it's gonna be a perfect time. Just give me one more second though, because I just wanted to emphasize that actually these two topics or these two questions here are kind of the same, because you're saying how do we have more time for sex and how do we have meaningful conversation. I see those as directly connected. Absolutely. It's not just a matter of how do we fit in sex, it's that on both those sides of the spectrum,

Rachel Denning (42:27.439)
sexual equation or the intimacy equation, needs are not being fulfilled.

And so it's not just making more time for sex, it's actually making more time for connection in general. Yes, exactly. For each other. Yes. And it can be subtle, but if neither of those things is happening well or happening enough, there's just this really subtle drifting apart. Exactly. And you get farther and farther and it gets more and more transactional. And it gets harder and harder to connect. Yes. And so then - And you feel more and more resentment for him wanting sex or her wanting to talk. Yep. And you're just like -

just let me do my thing, I'm tired, we're doing house together, what more do you want from me? On both sides, right? I'm working, I'm taking the air of this, I'm doing this, like, ugh. I can't do one more thing, it's just one more need to fulfill. And you want so desperately to have that connection and that. And yet, neither one of you is understanding how it's actually obtained. How you're actually gonna get there.

Now you can go to your...what you wanted to bring up. The need, and Rachel purposely used that word, need, because there's a very well -known sexpert who is bringing up this point like, well, needs are like...

food and water and shelter. Air. Air. Those are the only things you need. If you don't have those, you'll die and everything else is not a need. And while I understand what's being said of the absolute basic, basic needs for staying alive, it's a gross misrepresentation of the needs of a human being and an extraordinary life and extraordinary marriage. To be psychologically...

Rachel Denning (44:17.997)
You're talking about psychological needs. Yeah, but physical as well because you know like touch you don't need to have touch to live to live like you can live your whole life without touch But I promise it's not gonna be a very good one and and even they did this with babies decades ago Which is so sad they had all these orphans and they did this test to see what would happen without touch and a lot of babies died They were being fed they're being cared for but they weren't being touched and yeah, if you if you weren't touched you would

Obviously be psychologically traumatized. Yes, and emotionally you die and I mean all the stuff right so so is being touched a need well not Technically for survival but for life. Yeah is sex a need in marriage right dang straight it is So absolutely it's just like conversation is and meaning emotional connection exactly so the sex bird is saying men don't need sex

And we get the reason they're saying that. They're saying that because in some ways that relieves a lot of burden on both sides. For the wife to not feel like, oh I have to fulfill my husband's needs. And interestingly men of their own volition are like, I f -

This feels like a need. It feels like I'm like, I need this, babe. And so they say the word, like, I need this. And that gets misinterpreted. And people are like, that's not a need. I'm not here to meet your needs. Right. And that just seems so intense and like too much. I can't handle that. But as we've been talking about this, because we get very fired up about it.

It is a need. It's a need for, I'm going to say it's a need for men, but I also think it's a need for women, a need they don't know they have necessarily because many women are less sexually driven. But it is definitely a need for marriage. It is one of the defining ...

Rachel Denning (46:16.685)
Aspects of marriage that separates marriage from every other relationship exactly, you know, hopefully traditionally it does so it is a need and When you understand that and when you come to view it in its correct light because I know how I felt when I originally

thought or learned that this was a need you had. I was like put off by it a little bit. Like this just seems weird or awkward or intense or barbaric or you know all of these things. Some wild animal. Yeah exactly.

But as I've learned more about it, I've realized how it's actually a very beautiful thing. It's a biological drive. From the most basic elements of creation and existence. You're driven to find food. Hunger, thirst, and sex. Yeah. Drink water and have sex because that's to propagate the species. If we weren't driven biologically, intensely to have sex, there would be no

we wouldn't be around, we wouldn't even be here having this conversation. And it can be a driving force to keep us close together. Okay, so then that was the other part, that I came to see it as such a beautiful thing because not only is it like just this biological drive to create children. But I chase her around the house every day. But it's also a drive that does drive us together. It draws us closer because it keeps you attracted to me and drawn to me, which...

often initiates conversation and discussion and intellect and all of that, which then is often, especially once I understood it better, reciprocated with sex. Not because I felt like I had to repay you, but because when you pay attention to those things, you're naturally attracted to the person you're having an intellectual conversation with. Exactly. You are drawn to... Yeah, it's sexy. This happens in dating when we're...

Rachel Denning (48:19.181)
talking to the person we're dating and we're attracted to them and we connect with them and then that naturally leads to physical attraction, sexual attraction. Especially when you're dating, you can talk about anything. Yeah, and stare into their eyes and... I can listen to you all day long. Yeah, exactly. And gentlemen, are you doing that for your wife? Right. Are you listening with that love and affection? Are you sitting there like, oh, here goes the wanderer, that's all the things she's complaining about again, oh, she's so upset about everything. What do the whales dying in the...

South America have to do with us. Exactly, right. But it's all connected. It's all connected. You've learned. It's all connected. So... Well, I guess I want to bring that up. That's one of your needs. And we've heard that often come up with ladies. And again, it's not... We're generalizing. I've heard that often come up like, I need to talk. And I don't have that same need. So I could sit back and be like...

This is so stupid. Well, you don't need to talk. You're not going to die if I don't sit here and listen. Exactly. Just deal with your need to talk. Right. But talk to the trees or call somebody else. But having you go away to talk or even rejecting your desire to talk to me. Right. Is driving a wedge between us. Exactly. Shutting down this chance for more intimacy and connection and sex. And it's just, it's foolish. And it makes you a roommate.

or a stranger, whatever. Well, and that's back to this idea that sex is a need in marriage because without it, you are essentially roommates. What's the point? You might as well just be business partners or roommates or friends if you're not going to be having sex. Seriously. Right.

And if you remove the need for sex, you really are a roommate. Yeah. And so then even this idea of like, well, how do you do it multiple times a week? That's what I'm excited to watch next. Can you imagine, from a woman's perspective, can you imagine not talking to your husband multiple times per week? Do you want to go all week without talking to him about anything important? Let's just handle the, you know.

Rachel Denning (50:24.845)
the logistics and that's it. And maybe men, there are probably a lot of women out there who feel that way already. But wouldn't you love to talk intimately and deeply with your husband multiple times per week or daily? The same with sex for men. I couldn't be so short -sighted and ignorant to be like, seriously, babe, didn't we talk last week? Yeah, didn't we just talk yesterday? Like, how often do you really need to talk to me?

Oh, so exhausting. I'm just so tired. I'm just so talked out. I just cannot do it again. I have a headache. I'm just going to bed. So as far as like how do you make it happen? Well, hold on, bringing this full circle then for both of them, we're proactive about it. Extremely. We are making time to talk and to have sex.

We are bringing newness into our life through activities and books and all kinds of ideas. Like we're making space for intimate communication and talking and intimacy through sex. And we're making a priority. So I love these questions because they come in like, oh man, we're so busy. We...

How do you guys even talk? How do you have time for talk? How do you have time for sex? And my first thought is always like, if this were a much higher priority to you...

I guarantee you're gonna have fun time or you're gonna make time. You're gonna say no to other things so you can say yes to this. Absolutely, yes. And I wanna expand on that though just really quick I wanna say because we've said a lot of things about this, sex and conversation and connection. I do wanna just mention that we have three other podcasts in depth on this. So we could say more but we're not because I think it's 149, 150.

Rachel Denning (52:22.957)
maybe 152, I could be off one around there. Three more topics, three more episodes that go into depth on this. So if you're like, wow, yeah, this is us, go listen to those. And even if you already have, they're worth re -listening to, to revisit these ideas again and again. So it becomes, and again, I was serious when I said it took us a while to...

remember these things. I had to keep being like, Rachel had to keep reminding me, she's like, no babe, like when I need to talk to you, I just need you to listen. I'm like, oh yeah, sorry. And when we began to understand this, we could say something like, I need to talk to you right now. Like you need sex for me sometimes. Like that's how strongly I feel this. I need to talk to you. And then he knows. Oh yeah. She says that. I'm like, I'll move heaven or just sit here and say, uh -huh. Exactly. Okay. And then vice versa. Like he,

He can tell me, you know, he knows now that if he needs to tell me that, I understand. I'm like, okay, I'm gonna clear my schedule. We'll go be together. Like, we'll make that happen. So back into expounding what you're talking about, like how do we make it happen? Well, we just, it's a priority. We don't, cause part of the question is like, oh, if I'm trying to go to bed early so I can get up early for my morning routine, how do we fit in sex? Well, don't wait till bedtime, maybe is one thing.

or go to bed early together and do it, or morning time sex is great, or... Daytime sex is the best. As soon as he gets home from work, the middle of the day, like whatever. Come home for lunch. Exactly, there are tons of options. And trust me, your husband... One of the reasons we work from home, people. That's one of the reasons. Your husband is not gonna be disappointed if you try to squeeze sex somewhere in the schedule earlier in the day. Like, not a problem. If you send him a text message saying...

make sure you come home for lunch today as he's leaving a little smooch and whatever like come home for lunch today. Come home early because there will be benefits. If you and one thing we said is it was a lot harder when we had younger children but you know what I don't know any kids who don't love watching an extra movie once in a while and so if you have to put a movie on whatever it is like you you just do those things or hire your

Rachel Denning (54:38.509)
little bit older kids to play with and entertain the little bit younger kids. Like when it's a priority, when you're excited about it, man, you find ways to make it happen. You hire a babysitter to come over for a couple of hours. That might, that could be awkward. Make it awkward, man. Priority, like we're gonna, we're gonna pass awkward. I don't know, it just depends, okay. You know, my awkwardness boundaries when it comes to sex. I don't know about the babysitter part. But you do whatever you have to do, like.

Figure out a way, again, that's why I love this, I'm like, okay, wait, if this was a way higher priority, if you were so much more excited about this than you currently are, what would you do differently? If your marriage is on the line, and in many ways it is, the quality of your marriage is on the line with this, with both communication and sex. If that's on the line, what can you do to make it happen? You're gonna get so creative. You're gonna come up with all kinds of amazing ideas.

of like, okay, what about here? What about there? How can I set this up? Like, make things happen. And do it. And the more sex you have, the more conversations you're going to have, and the more conversations you have, the more sex you're going to have. And both of those things, I guarantee you, will lead to a better, more intimate marriage. And so it keeps getting closer and closer, more exciting, easier. So now...

We just keep growing in this upward spiral. Right. And we're to this place where it's so easy for us to have meaningful conversations, sometimes multiple times a day. Sometimes naked. Okay, we got to tell a story. Tied into the nude philosophizing. Both of us, as you guys know, want to be philosophers. We love philosophizing. And sometimes an idea comes up at awkward moments.

Or naked moments. Well, that's what I mean. So it's a naked moment and we're already in bed under the sheets and I just start talking. I'm smooching like this. This is exciting. And she's like, so what about this? I start philosophizing. Deep philosophical existential question. Existential question. And I was like, okay, I'm happy to listen to you. Let's sit here and talk for a minute. I'll set aside the direction I was going.

Rachel Denning (57:03.693)
for a moment and we had a fun time but I think that's a perfect example where both things have to happen. We've got to be able to talk and sometimes Rachel's just got to get stuff out of her head or off her chest whatever and that can seem like a major mood killer but hold on gentlemen get through the barrage of getting off you know let her talk it out and then it's good man!

Just hang in there. But mean it too, this has to be sincere in both ways. It has to be super sincere in both ways. And it has to be because you want a much closer relationship. Exactly.

Rachel Denning (57:47.373)
Good. Okay. Do we have time for another question or? If we do, it's going to be fast because we're pushing an hour on this already. Thank you guys for listening, for being here. Let's hit it. Let's hit it. Okay. So this one is, it's related to marriage as well. So that's why I thought we could fit it in here because we do have a couple more that we'll have to do next time related to parenting, specifically device usage, sneaking devices and apps and sex.

Pornography in reference with teens teenagers exactly. You teach him how you talk to him about how do you help him understand? Yeah, so we'll discuss that next time but this one is related to marriage as well and it's specifically about helping your spouse But helping them without Over helping them and especially helping your husband per se without Well, it goes both ways easily

Yes, it does. But I think in some ways men can maybe be sensitive to their wives help, especially if it makes them feel like they're not manly enough or they're not fulfilling their job or their duties. And for some reason we men are very sensitive to criticism from our wives. Yes, because you want to be the man. You want to be respected. It's bringing into question my manliness. Yeah.

So in this scenario, the husband lost the job and she wants to help him. Which happens a lot. So again, common question, common scenarios. It's a transition in career or the husband's in a job he doesn't love, wants to change, wants to start a business, wants to start a side hustle. I've gotten, I don't know, four or five emails in the last few months in similar situations where, hey, you want to start a job or start a side hustle, not really gaining ground on it.

Just feeling dead in their career. Some people lost jobs because of mandate requirements or different things like that. And COVID stuff. People lost businesses. Their business went down. And particularly, how do you recover from it too? You take a big hit in your career and mentally, emotionally, financially, you just feel deflated. How do you help without over -helping? Or without making them feel unrespectful.

Rachel Denning (01:00:10.029)
or as though they're a failure or fill in the blank. So that's essentially the question. My first response to this, and this is the coach and me, I'm like, dude, let's just get on a Zoom call and I'll help you. Well, yes. I love that. I'm like, oh, I know how to work through this. You're right. Your first response as we were discussing what to cover and reading this question was like, she doesn't need to help him. I need to help him.

And part of your reason for saying that is because in a lot of ways, men...

receive better help, I'm not wording that right, they are better at receiving help from other men than necessarily their wives. Sometimes, yep. Yeah. Absolutely. Well, and getting coaching, this is the stuff I do every day, literally. And so I'm like, oh man, I've helped so many guys around this stuff and I know what to talk about, what questions to ask, where to point in the direction, I know how to inspire and motivate them, get them some systems and strategies in place. So,

And I'm throwing this out there like my coaching schedule is full. But if it's a fit, I love doing this. I really do. And so if it's a fit, even for this person or whoever, like we jump on a coaching session and you invest in it, it's worth the investment, right? I was thinking through this, like, and cause you and I have paid. Well, this was, yeah. You going there? This is where I was going.

go as soon as you're done. But to pay to pay a few hundred dollars to save a few thousand dollars in either mistakes or strategy or to earn it right or a few thousand or in our case tens of thousands of dollars that with with good knowledge and insights and ah -has it prevents a ton of very expensive mistakes and failures and errors and it opens up possibilities to to

Rachel Denning (01:02:14.861)
5X, 10X, 100X what you spend in getting results. Like getting those breakthroughs and kind of crank starting that motor, so to speak, of the spiritual, mental, physical motor. Like get things going again in the right direction. Right. And I guess the part I want to emphasize here is because this isn't an uncommon question. And when people come to us saying, how do I help my spouse? Sometimes the answer is,

they need help from someone else because people are kind of, they're resistant to this idea of getting coaching or getting professional help, so to say, you know, because sometimes that feels like a failure, especially in the whole counseling space or therapist space, you know, people feel like it's a fail. You're failing if you have to go talk to someone, right? To get some help. And coaching is different than that in a way because it's focus, it's results focus. It's, um,

It's really forward facing and it's strategic. But I guess what we're trying to say is that we've always searched for help from coaches. Everything we've accomplished in our life has been a result of getting coaching in that area, whether it's paying for coaching or coaching through podcasts, books. It's not done alone. Right.

I don't know if people realize that enough, that it's not just going to happen on its own. You literally do have to seek out help. You have to seek out mentoring from someone to show you the way through this valley that you're in. I think often the thought is, and I know we've thought this, like, oh jeez, I don't know if we can afford that. And we always came back to like, we can't afford not to. Right. Because you could go it alone, but it's going to be harder.

You're gonna have to make mistakes on your own and it's gonna take way longer. And if you value time and time in the business world is extremely expensive. Let's say you're like a rock star and it only takes you three months or six months longer than it would have without help. Like how much revenue can you bring through the door in three to six months with some strategic coaching? Yeah, well, and you said rock star and funny enough I thought of like an actual musician because...

Rachel Denning (01:04:33.389)
That's a principle that we don't often carry into our own lives. Musicians, the greatest musicians, the greatest athletes, the greatest performers all have coaches. And yet in our own lives, we want to create this extraordinary life, but we want to do it all on our own with no outside help. And it just doesn't work that way. It honestly doesn't. You're never going to achieve the levels of success or happiness or fulfillment that you're looking for without getting some sort of...

outside guidance, mentoring, coaching, direction, whether that is the form of, it can be just books and podcasts, because a lot of what we've done was that, but it's also included actual coaching from experts. That could be a parenting expert, that could be a business expert, that could be a marriage expert who can show you where the gaps are and how to fill them in. Now, this can obviously be tough to communicate to your spouse if they think,

getting help equals failure, that's tough because you're saying, hey, you should go work with a coach or get some help. And they're like, what do you think of a failure? I think the wording right there is key. If we use the word should, so if you come to your husband especially, and if you say you should get help. Our sensitivity is like, hey, maybe you should hire a coach. Oh, ow. You might come and say, how can I help? What can I do? Is there something I can do?

Would you like to hire a coach? Would you like to get some business books? Would you like me to read some of those business books and just get the best stuff and share with you? Would you, I mean, just maybe a whole bunch of would you like? Like open that up for like, what can we do together? How can we get this going? And again, this gets tricky because the stumbling block is always different for every person. For one person, it might be self doubt.

For another person, it might be a lack of motivation. For other, it might be a lack of knowledge. For another, it might be a lack of skill. For another, it might be fear. It's all different, and so the remedy is different for each one, and that's why it takes some strategizing and coaching. And so in a lot of ways, you have to be able to have these tough conversations where you get down to the core issue. What is it that's actually holding you back?

Rachel Denning (01:07:02.061)
Is it you're afraid? Is it that you're insecure? Is it the whatever, X, Y, Z? And in a similar way to this breaking point idea, a lot of times we avoid those conversations and our spouse is avoiding those conversations because they are uncomfortable. They're not fun. And they could be vulnerable or exposing and that feels pretty frightening. Yeah, it does. But the reality is...

The more willing you are to have those conversations, I think this is just, at least in my experience, true across the board. When you're willing to have those difficult conversations with your spouse, with your children, it actually strengthens your relationship and brings you closer together in the end. When you can, with love and acceptance and vulnerability, say, I understand, I wanna help, let's have this conversation together, let's figure it out, it helps you grow together. And so,

I think trying to help by just in unhelpful ways of like pushing or prodding or nagging or encouraging or hinting or all of these other things doesn't work. But if you can just have an honest to the heart, uncomfortable conversation, that can be way more helpful in a lot of ways. Absolutely. And at the same time encouraging. Say, you know what? It's okay for us to look for help from mentors or experts that could show us what we need to do here. Yep.

This is actually so fitting. I want to circle back kind of really where we started because I know for me personally and for a lot of men I've talked to and work with, when things are going well in the marriage, I feel like I can take on the whole world and like bring it. Like, okay, it's hard, it's difficult, whatever. My marriage is okay. But if I feel distant from you, if I feel like things are off,

And I don't respect you. If I feel like you don't respect me, if I feel like, I know this is going to sound crazy you guys, but sex is a big part of this. If I feel like I'm... Rejected? I feel rejected or we're not getting sex. I have like, if I get sexual frustration because I'm like, that has a huge... You start to feel hopeless. Yeah. It's like, oh, what's the point? And I have literally have men tell me like...

Rachel Denning (01:09:22.829)
What's the point? Why even succeed at work? I never have sex. And you're like, how is that even connected? But I get it. There's this connection of why should I go out and conquer the world? When my woman doesn't even care. She didn't care. I don't even get sex at home. I was like, every once in a while. So it sounds kind of crazy, but there's this connection of like, so one of the things you can do is make sure your relationship is awesome. Yeah. And make sure it's alive and vibrant and passionate. Right. And there's spark there.

Because that, ironically, is gonna be one of the best things you can do to motivate him and light that fire and help him. And to help him feel that you still have confidence in him, you still believe in him, right? And adore him and want him, he's gonna be like, dude, I can do whatever I can to take on the world, to solve these problems, because look at how much she loves me and adores me and respects me and wants me. That, I mean, I think you're spot on there. That right there is so powerful in helping.

help a man and motivate him because he needs to feel that love and support from his woman.

Yeah. So be creative and fun with that too. Whatever. He's on the way out and you're like, you crush it today at work, babe, because there's going to be some goodness when you get home. And he's like, I'm going to work or be distracted all day. But like whatever, like make sure that that's good. And that it's strange almost how powerful that is and how motivating that is. Yeah. Very surprising. Okay. Love it. Have absolutely.

extraordinary sex and conversations. I knew you were going to say that. Oh, I was going to say marriages, but have extraordinary conversations. Make it a priority. Have extraordinary sex. Make it a priority and build your marriages so you, no matter how long you've been married or where you are, what you're doing, like it feels alive, fun, exciting, engaging, fulfilling. You just wake up.

Rachel Denning (01:11:28.557)
Alright, love you guys.