Get answers to your questions about marriage, parenting and family life from experts and parents of 7 children!

Rachel Denning (00:10.702)
In our line of work coaching families for the past 20 years, we get an up close and personal look into the lives of many different types of people. It's a sacred privilege and we learn so much. We often experience a wide range of emotions from empathy to despair to elation. And not going to lie, sometimes we get fired up or frustrated about the things that people do or don't do, especially the things they know they need to do.

They'll receive a clear insight about something they should do or should not have done or should not be doing, but then they don't act on it. This is usually because it's big, frightening, requires too much work or all of the above. In this episode, we dive into the long -term consequences of avoiding or ignoring these important moments of clarity. If you've ever had a clear moment, thought or feeling about something you should do or saw clearly that something you did do was a mistake,

then you don't want to miss this episode because doing so could be sabotaging your future success and happiness. Listen now.

Rachel Denning (01:23.182)
Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of the Extroing Family Life podcast. Today, Rachel is fired up. So, usually I'm the one that's like, I'm fired up about this. Now, today's Rachel's fired up about this. We were talking about something earlier today and she's just got all fiery and I was like, so when we were thinking about what to talk about, she's like, I got things to say. Great.

Now I have nothing to say. Oh great, now she's drawing a blank about what to say. She has no contribution to make after she's so fired up. Do you guys do that? You listeners? Do you ever get fired up when you're talking to your spouse or something and then you're just so docile and sweet? I've got nothing. What are you talking about? You're like, babe, you were almost screaming at me. No, I wasn't. I wasn't talking about them.

And then now you're toast for having brought it up in public. Yeah. No, but this is actually is really, it's a really important topic because it happens so often and you'll, I think you'll notice it after we get talking about it. I think you'll notice it. You've observed it in others and I think you'll hopefully notice it in your own life because it's this weird form of self -sabotage. Like there are direct forms of self -sabotage where,

You know you should eat healthy and work out, but instead you lay around and eat Oreos, right? That's just a direct form of self -sabotage. We're all like, yeah, okay, I get that. You realize you should earn more money, and you could earn more money by developing your skill set, but instead you watch cat videos on YouTube. Or as one of my clients said recently, he's like, no, it's sports, it's sports update. He's like, I don't, I just get on and I get lost.

catching up with sports and he says, I like it, but doesn't really add value to my life plan. Not that there's inherently anything wrong in that per se. No, not at all. Just that if you find yourself spending vast amount of time doing it, it's in the long run not necessarily contributing to improvement. This is one of the most beautiful things he said. He's like, he's like, well, because it's not bad. It's actually fun. It's great. He says, but there's just no time for it in life. If you're living an extraordinary life, there's just no time to be wasting time.

Rachel Denning (03:40.366)
There isn't a surplus of time we can burn. And like Thoreau said, as though you could kill time without injuring eternity. And how that digs into our lives. So, but what we're talking about today is this interesting and subtle form of self -sabotage in, how do we present it? It's where you get a moment of clarity about something you feel strongly.

you ought to do. It may be a moment of inspiration, a moment of revelation, of insight. It may just be this aha moment. You might read something or watch something and say, man, we need to do that. And it could be anything from, we need to stop doing that thing because it's going to lead to trouble, or we need to start doing this thing. Or you know what, Dad Gamma, we need to pick up our whole family and move. We need to go have an adventure. We need to totally...

And this is where it gets hard, this is what we're talking about today, if it's a big inspiration that requires some significant change of something like, you know what, we need to change the way we're doing education in our family. I need to change my career, whatever it is. Or what I want to add to this because this aha or this inspiration might be about a mistake that you've made as well, because I know that that's happened to us also, but you're like.

Now with this 2020 vision, you look back and you're like, wow, we shouldn't have done that. It's so clear to me now. And for us, because we have cultivated this capability, that's a clear sign. Okay, we're changing that. Like that's going to change. We're fixing that. Whatever it takes, pull out all the stops. If we have to move our family, if we have to totally disrupt family life.

We're doing it because we've got clarity that that was wrong. This is the path we're supposed to be on and we're going to make those course corrections. Now tying into, I think where you were headed with this, a lot of people don't do that. And kind of why I was fired up this morning is, and to be fair, we've been doing it a long time. And so it seems so natural for us. I was like, what? I don't get it. Why don't people do that? And the reason is they're afraid.

Rachel Denning (06:00.558)
Or it's uncomfortable. Or it's going to disrupt. Or they're going to get kickback. I think a lot of people are afraid of their teenagers. And they're like, well, my kids really want to finish out high school here. I've heard that so many times with people that wanted to move somewhere or do some, you know, go somewhere else, change their life. They needed to make a change. For the whole family. I know someone. They feel so inspired and empowered. And then one kid's like, yeah, but they want to finish this year in school. And you're like, who cares? They're not in charge.

If you have clarity about what needs to happen in your life and changes that need to be made, you need to make those regardless of what this kid wants. And that's not to be, you know, disrespectful to them or not value them as a person because they are, but ultimately you're the adult. You have more insight, awareness, wisdom, hopefully than your kids. And so,

You're the one that should be making the decisions about where their life and your life is headed. And so it was kind of this, in some ways I was saying, I don't understand why people don't do that because I do understand the fear. Like I know all about the fear. Every major turning point in our life and we've had a lot of them, like more than most people I would probably guess. In multiple lifetimes. Right.

Because we have lived like multiple lifetimes. That's what I feel like. So we've had a lot of facing those fears, but we've never let it stop us. We've always pushed through those fears and we've come to see that those fears are actually a sign that that's the right path. When we're afraid of doing something, it's because, partly because that's where you're supposed to go. You're supposed to go.

into the darkness. You're supposed to go into the unknown. That's where everything you want lies is down that dark path. And because we are dark as an evil, but dark as in unknown, intimidating, going to require some major change in disruption. And to be clear, this comes up in our planning sessions where we're like, Hey, where are we going with our life? What's the, what is for the next level? How are we leveling up? How are we living a better story? Where are we going to start? We start exploring options and possibilities and going here and.

Rachel Denning (08:25.262)
And then one of us goes, man, what if we did that? And we both go, and your heart rate goes up, your breathing gets tight and you're like, oh crap. And you want to say no because you're like, yeah, that's it. But whoa, that's intimidating, scary. Then we've come to learn like, that's the thing. That's the sign, that's the path. It makes me think of, Jordan Peterson likes to tell this story in his podcast about, supposedly it's part of the legend of the Holy Grail. And it was...

King Arthur and his knights of the round table and they went to go search for the Holy Grail and what they did is they went out to the forest and each of them looked into the forest and found the part of the forest that was the darkest and scariest to them and that's where they went. So they looked for the scariest, most darkest part of the forest. That's where they began their own journey to find the Holy Grail and it's kind of this psychological idea that...

Yeah, if you want to make the real changes and the real transformations in your life that you're longing for, you're dreaming about, you're wishing and hoping for, you have to go where you're most afraid. And I guess when I was getting fired up, I'm like, why aren't people doing that? Why don't they do it? Why do they get this moment of clarity and then... Settle. Ignore it.

and settle for what they have because going there is going to be too uncomfortable. Going there is going to stir up too much. It's going to disrupt things too much in the family. And so we don't want to do it. We're like, oh, no, we'll just keep going along how things are. It's easier that way. But that's not where greatness lies. That's not where you find this extraordinary life that you want.

You can't. You can't find it there. You have to face that fear and walk into the darkness and...

Rachel Denning (10:34.606)
Do it no matter what because that's the only place you'll discover what you're truly looking for. And so it becomes a subtle yet lethal form of self -sabotage where I get clarity about something I need to do, want to do, ought to do, inspired to do. Shouldn't have done. Shouldn't have done, should stop right away, right?

It's that zero -based thinking where you try something, you get down the road, you're like, man, I should not have done it. And yet, unbelievably, people keep doing it. And we get so fired up about this, because as you were talking explaining this, my mind has just been racing of examples that we've come across over the last couple of decades of working with people. There was clear warnings. And we talked about it openly. They would say to me, I need to stop this.

or I need to do this, or I would say, hey look man, I've seen this before, do this, do this, it isn't like, yeah, yeah, you're right, and then they don't, or they do, whatever the case may be, they carry on when there should have been an abrupt change. And so we settle or acquiesce into some kind of silly comfort or convenience or false security.

and we give up what could have been ours in order to place.

and not disrupt things or ruffle any feathers. And very often these big unconventional non -conformist things or whatever these drastic things. Course changes. Course changes. They bring in a lot of criticism from the people around you. And that's, I think that's a motivator why a lot of people don't do it is they fear the repercussions from, and the jeering and the kickback from the crowd.

Rachel Denning (12:39.758)
Well, not even from the crowd, from your own spouse and children, a lot of times. Or extended family. Maybe the family's on board, an extended family, and your little local tribe, whether that's your community or your neighborhood or your little friend group or your church group or whatever it is, you're like, if we go in there and tell them what we're doing, we will be just like ridiculed. Ridiculed. And we'll be just, they'll draw us through the crowd and throw stones at us and cast us out forever.

We come up with these fears, and again, it's that survival brain of like the fear of not being accepted in the tribe. That means we'll end up in the gutter alone, dying some pitiful death because we decided like, hey, we're not doing that anymore. And so at some point, you got to seek out what your specific mission and purpose is.

and chase it. Well, yes, but in some ways I think that's almost a little more grandiose than even what we're talking about. Because yeah, that's the ultimate, that's been a motivating force for us for sure, but in some ways it's simply this.

Rachel Denning (13:53.966)
ideal, which again, your mission and purpose is, but say you just have this ideal of creating an extraordinary marriage or of having a deeper, more respected relationship with your kids or having more influence with your spouse or kids, you know, I mean, or doing work you love to do. Yeah, doing work you love. I mean, I was thinking today, like how wonderful it is that,

on a regular day of the week, it's a Tuesday, you were able to just work out with your teenagers in the afternoon. And that's just a part of how we are able to do life. Now, it hasn't always been that way. When we started out, you had a job that you went to all day long. And we didn't have the freedom. All day long. I had to go put in... It felt all day long. It was all day long. I had to go put in eight hours and somebody's off.

Horrible. And that's how we started out life. And now we're to the point where we have so much freedom that we get to make our own schedule. And so if we want to work out at 11 o 'clock in the afternoon on a Tuesday, we can't. 11 o 'clock's in the morning, dear.

early afternoon. Anyway, so you know that's part of it. We wanted more time freedom. We wanted more flexibility in our life and our schedule. And we have created that. We wake up with no alarm. I hate alarms and I intentionally wanted to create a life where I didn't have to get up to an alarm. I don't.

Where we don't have to answer to other people's schedules. We don't have to answer to anyone else's schedule, but our own. And that's the life we intentionally created because that was something we wanted. Now that didn't happen just because we thought of it. We've had to work hard to make that happen and to be able to create that type of freedom. And a lot of it happened from facing the darkness, facing the unknown. Like when you quit your first corporate job, it was terrifying.

Rachel Denning (16:10.094)
When we started. Yes it was. Wow, you're right. When I turned in my resignation from a position that I had wanted, we had longed for. We'd put all our eggs in the basket, so to speak, and we'd gotten the basket. And then we got this point of like, you know what? We're walking away from this. Because we want something different. We want a different sort of life. Right. That was a perfect example of how we've been doing that kind of stuff in big, big ways. We've been stepping away from it. And it was terrifying, but we just kept going anyways.

Right. And it's made all the difference. It has made all of the difference. Like literally that is the difference. And so when we were talking about this, I'm like, part of me was saying, I don't get it. Why don't people do this? I don't understand because we were afraid. We have been afraid so many times back to what I was talking about. I understand the fear, but for whatever reason, and maybe it's just, well, I think we'll talk about it a little bit.

because you mentioned that it was something you had to do, so we'll discuss that. For whatever reason though, we just learned how to do that. Like, yeah, we're terrified. But we're going anyways. Like when we drove across the border for the first time into Mexico on our very first travel experience, we were absolutely terrified. We literally didn't know if we would get robbed, killed, kidnapped.

If they had diapers, like we were so clueless. If there was even a road. If there was even a road. And yet we were going to drive from Utah to Costa Rica with our four children under the age of four. And we were terrified. But we did it. We did it anyways, despite the terror, despite the disruption, despite the people saying, what are you doing? You're crazy. You're going to ruin your kids' lives. And we went for it.

and it has not been easy.

Rachel Denning (18:08.046)
It's been challenging many times, but it's made all the difference that has brought us to where we are now compared to where we would still be if we hadn't have made those same choices and been willing to face those fears and go into the darkness. And I think that's why on this side of those experiences, you look back and say, that was so worth it. You guys, why are you even hesitating? Why are you even questioning this? Like,

Go for it. Like, I don't get it. Why are you not doing what you know would?

change things or fix things or make them better or different. So experience will help and that confidence and competence that will come from doing it and you can actually even cultivate this. This is going to be a skill set or strength that you can work on to seek out.

the best path. And sometimes it'll just be a choice. You're like, should we go here? Should we go there? Should we go there? And there's no real, you know, strong feeling. There's no voice from heaven or whatever. The lights don't flicker three times. It's just nothing. Like whatever, right? You just, it's like, okay, let's just go. And you make those decisions. And then other times you'll have like the super powerful emotional, mental, spiritual even experience.

and know you're supposed to do something. And I think our message today is when you get clear direction, move. Take action. Yeah, go forward. Do it. And some of you might be listening like, oh, that barely ever happens to me. I don't get it. And to that I would say, I think it happens far more often than you think, but we're so used to disregarding them.

Rachel Denning (20:06.414)
of just letting it go, of dismissing it, like, oh man, that child seems to be really struggling. I really need to do something special with that kid. And that's it. The thought comes and goes, and it's gone, and you don't do it. And then later on, when the situation gets worse, the relationship gets worse, or the kid falls off the proverbial cliff, then you're like, ah, why didn't I do it? Why didn't I act on it? Why didn't I follow that thing?

And so I think it's happening a lot more frequently than most people realize. And it just comes in a conversation or in a thought or whatever. It can happen while you're listening to a song or anything. You're driving around the road and you're just thinking, man, I should do that. And then that's the end of it. You don't write it down. You don't do anything about it. You don't put it on the calendar. And so you just keep on going on. And in most cases, it becomes this form of self -sabotage, like I've been saying, that you end up.

settling for far less than you could have. And you miss out on so much of what's possible in life.

And in addition, you end up suffering far more than necessary because you get clarity about something you should do to avoid suffering and you don't do it. And so then I, on this end of, you know, with the coaching we get to do, I get to see this over years and I get to watch as people literally tell me, I should really do that. And I'm like, yeah, you should. And then they don't. And I see the consequences. And this has been happening for no joke, two decades.

This is, I'm going to share a thought that I had earlier when we were having this conversation. Part of me thought, gosh, if people would just do what we told them to do, it would save so much heartache. And then I was like, that's a very communist dictator type thought. Like I could see how communism and authoritarianism comes into play when I'm like, I know, just do what I tell you to do, right? But part of...

Rachel Denning (22:17.614)
feels like that because because we have had a lot of experience because we have had a lot of reading and study and research in all of these topics related to family life and things like that. We've begun to see these patterns also coming from your coaching like we start to see these patterns and we're like oh my gosh like you always talk about it's like there's this sign then there's this sign then there's this sign and then there's the train wreck.

And we just think, we've seen this before. And we want to wave our hands and yell and say, Hey, we've seen this. Watch out because here, this is a red flag here. This thing is a red flag. You need to go this direction. And of course the person's afraid to go the other direction. They've already got this momentum flowing, going in this one direction. We're saying, wait, that's going to lead to a train wreck. You're going to crash.

That's trouble. Switch courses here, but that seems like too much effort. It seems like too much energy. It seems like too much disruption to the flow of family life that started taking place. So they don't do it. And then of course, weeks or months later, you get the phone call or the email saying, oh, this happened. We're like, yeah, we knew that was coming. What's fascinating to me is how often thinking back over the years, they also knew.

in these moments of conversation.

Each of these people would say, I really should do this, or I think I need to do this. And sometimes I offer ideas, most of the time I'm asking, what do you think you could do? What do you think you need to do? What would change this? What happens if you don't change this? That one's powerful. I'm like, what happens if you don't intervene here and do something about this? They know and they tell me, and I take notes, but then they go back to doing the same thing they've always been doing.

Rachel Denning (24:22.35)
And then down the road, it's almost like they prophesied. I can look back at my notes and like, wow, they're experiencing exactly what they told me they would experience if they didn't do something about it. So that's why we get fired up. That's why we get so fired up, because I'm like, why don't you just do what you knew you should do? You're sabotaging yourself and your own life. And it's so painful watching people do that. It's heartbreaking. Yeah.

and infuriating. I also get infuriated. Come on. I'm like, seriously? Seriously. You could have avoided the problem. That's where the pain is. It could have been so easily avoided. And you guys, so I guess here's the invitation. Go ahead. Well, easily may not be the right word because it's not easy. And that's part of the reason people don't do it. Simple. It's simple because it's clear. I should do this thing. I should take my kid out of school.

I should move somewhere else. I should lose 30 pounds and stop eating Oreos every day. It's simple, but it's not easy and that's why they don't do it. Because it's hard to make those changes. It's hard to pull your kid out of school because they don't want to leave school. Even if it's destroying them, it's damaging their mental health. The parent doesn't want to do it because that's hard and you're going to have to.

make your kid do something that they don't want to do and you don't have the power to influence them to do that. So it reveals what it ends up doing is it ends up revealing a lot of your inadequacies. You don't know that is vulnerable. This is the power though here and this is what people don't understand because it reveals your inadequacies. That's actually why it's so powerful.

because it helps you to see where you are weak, where you need to grow, where you need improvement, and then by making those changes and improvements, you grow and become a better, stronger person. And that's why this path is the right path. The obstacle is the way. What is standing in your way? Your inability to do that thing is exactly what you need to gain the ability to do that thing.

Rachel Denning (26:45.486)
it's the very reason you must do it. Exactly. And so because it reveals your deficiencies, and so because of that, you need to lean into that very thing to fill those deficiencies because if not, those deficiencies will follow you and they'll stay with you and they'll wreak havoc all wherever you go. It is the deficiencies that are keeping you on the current path you are on that ultimately lead to the train wreck. Yep.

My invitation for all of us and for those of you listening is to start, let actually let's do it right now together. I want you to do this. So wherever, if you're driving or doing the dishes or whatever, listening, I want you to just over the next couple of minutes, do this with us. Examine each of the areas of your life and ask yourself, what, what do I want to do? What do I need to do? If, if I were to,

dramatically improve this area of my life, what needs to happen? And you could legitimately ask your subconscious mind, you could ask God, you could like feel the spirit and energy of the universe, you can seek inspiration and guidance here, like what's the next level for me? What's the next move? And what I love about this, there's this beautiful, precious, sacred...

intuition that each one of us has access to. Very few actually tap into it and use it regularly, but it's available. There's, I guess, I like intuition. I like the spirit or energy or whatever it is. There's this intuition and this guidance for you and your unique path. Intuition in some, it's an inner knowing. Right. And we, we all have that. Perfect. We have the ability to tap into this inner knowledge that we have.

Now sometimes that gets all muddled and confused because of social conditioning. I was like, yeah, but everyone says I should do this or should, and I'm afraid of what people will think and I don't know. And so we'll get this inner knowing that we should. Like you have this inner knowing it's for you that I should do this thing. And then you're like, no, I'm gonna do this thing over here because what would the neighbors think or whatever? Well, and I know for me at least sometimes,

Rachel Denning (29:11.182)
that inner knowing doesn't make sense. Because you're like, oh, I should do that thing, but it doesn't make sense. Sometimes there have been occasions where sometimes it's not even logical. Like, well, that doesn't make any sense to even do that thing. Yet I feel that I should. Now, that being said, it can take practice to recognize what is. There can be some false ones and some confused ones. There's been some confused people that.

had inter -knowings, they were supposed to do weird things. Uh -oh, getting in trouble. But let's walk through this together. So we can take the major aspects of life and let's start with physical. So as you're listening, maybe even close your eyes if you can, unless you're driving. Don't close your eyes if you're driving. But just think for a minute. Just take the full condition of your body and the vehicle. Your body is the vehicle for your whole life. I did an interview with this amazing, amazing gentleman yesterday.

who's one of the best in the world. For the Be The Man podcast? Yeah, he's on the Be The Man podcast, the episode's coming out. And he was talking about how if your biomechanics are off, if your body movement is off, the way you move your body is off, then he and I were discussing how it begins to affect and even limit every part of your life. I mean, what part of your life is not affected by the movement of your body? It's incredible, right? And it starts to affect all that.

So start thinking about your body and the condition of your health. And just sit with that for a minute and just feel it. And ask yourself, what do I want to do? What do I need to do? What should I do? And some people are getting afraid of the word should. I have no problem with it, right? You don't want to go through your whole life shoulding all over yourself and wake up with your shoulds. But.

But there are things you should do. There are some things. I have no problem saying, yeah, there are some things I should do, there are some things you should do. And this is what you're asking you. You're asking your intuition. You're interknowing. You're asking God. You're just feeling like, what should I do about my health? And just listen and feel it. And some of you, it's going to be the same voice you've been hearing for two decades saying, drop the extra weight. Or.

Rachel Denning (31:33.23)
It says something like, go in the pantry and throw away all the junk food. Yes, that's my favorite one. And you think, I'm not going to do that. That's stupid and a waste of money. And what would my family think? Like, I'm not going to do that. My kids will get so upset. And that right there is where you get stuck. That's where you sabotage yourself. Because if you have a thought like that and you know,

You know that throwing away the junk food is going to help you. That's the right thing to do. And it's going to be painful. And that's kind of the point. Yes, it's a waste of money, but that's kind of the point because you're drawing... Who spent the money? You're drawing a line in the sand and you're telling your subconscious, I don't care because this is more important than the money. Yep. Exactly. Here's a... And your spouse is going to maybe say something. Your kids are definitely going to say something. They're definitely going to say something, but that's kind of the point.

then you're going to be able to say with passion, this is not good for me. I'm tired of it. I'm done. I'm getting rid of it because I'm making changes. You need that drama sometimes. You need that dramatic moment sometimes. Here's, I want to share an example. When I was younger, I...

lived a riotous life, let's say. And I started, after a few years, I wanted to make changes. I realized I wanted something different in my life. I wanted to get married, I wanted to have a family. And so I moved back home with my parents. And I had this whole, this was back in the day of CDs, you know, you had the CDs. And I had a CD player in my car and I had a big binder of hundreds of CDs, probably.

of all of the music I had listened to. But music is powerful. You connect to music. It helps to identify who you are and the type of thoughts and feelings you have. And somehow as a 20 year old, I realized that, I recognized that. And so I knew that I needed to change the music. I needed to stop listening to that kind of music, because it was going to help me make the changes I wanted to make.

Rachel Denning (33:54.702)
I was transforming myself. I was making a very clear, hard transformation and this was gonna help. And so I took the entire binder and one day I was just like, I need to throw it away. And I just went out and I threw it in the dumpster and that was that. I did the exact same thing. We've never talked about this but I wonder when you did it. Mine would have been in, I think May.

April or May or June of 1999. But I didn't have the nice binder. I just had a stack. No joke, it was at least three feet high stack of CDs. And I was like, these are 20 bucks a pop. And I'm like, I could sell them. But then I'm like, oh, I'd be passing along the trash. And so I took it over to a dumpster, I remember, and I just let go of three feet of CDs. All the money. And because I was like, no, I don't want this in my life anymore. It is influencing me. Exactly.

So there's, well there's that example. You look at, okay, look at the media. There's another one. Look at media. What do you need to do about media? And I don't know what you need to do, but you know, and then you have to respond to it. You might be like, you know what? It's legit time. No more gaming consoles in our house. Boom. Or wherever you're at in life, maybe you're saying no, or sticking to that, or no, we'll never do that, or maybe you need to get rid of your TV.

Maybe you need to cancel some subscriptions. Maybe you need to just totally transform your music. Maybe some of you need to add music and movies. Right, exactly. You gotta add some stuff because there's nothing there. You need some of that. But I wanna go back to physical. Well, and I think, let's bring that up for a minute because I think that's kind of the point. It's not that one way is necessarily better than the other. It's the fact that you're making a change. And when you make a change, it requires some dramatic shifts. And it could be quality or quantity.

I mean, qualitative or quantitative, depending on whatever the thing is. Let's go back to the body and health. And this is what I love. I love about doing this right now together, because some of you might be thinking, well, no, yeah, whenever I get a big inspiration, I always act on it. It's great. Right now, we can go through five or six or seven areas of our lives. And if you'll pause and slow down and quiet feel, you could get five or six or seven or 10 inspirations right now.

Rachel Denning (36:20.398)
of things you ought to do. And so as you're thinking about health, think through that like, yeah, okay, no more cold cereal in this house, period, done, we're not doing this. And act on it. Or maybe you need to start doing intermittent fasting or maybe you've wanted to join that soccer team or run more or whatever it is your thing is.

Commit and go and do it. Take the whole family, sign up for martial arts or sign up for some, like go climb a huge, like whatever it is, right? I've committed to be in fantastic health and shape for the rest of my life. And that's just the way I do life. And I've shifted ideas. Rachel and I, we don't eat fast food. It really solidified when we lived in Europe. We made this vow.

That we would never go back to trash restaurants not even just fast food. We were sitting in a restaurant in Barcelona for your birthday Knowing we were moving back to the States and we committed that we would never eat it like a TGA Fridays or an Apple or chilies or something We'd already given up McDonald's these big chain Restaurants, I mean, that's not even food. Yeah

Like we're never going back and we haven't. We haven't. We haven't been to any of them. And it's not about expediency. You're just not like, oh, that's the only thing. I don't care. Keep driving. Like, whatever. All fast, right? Exactly. Let's start fasting because we're not doing that. And you just make these commitments and you stick to them and it changes everything. Right. I think we gave up McDonald's. Excuse me. Somewhere around the time when we had watched.

Super -sized me and I remember watching with our younger kids our kids are older than when they were younger Because there there was this part that we would always laugh about where he says how the Golden Arches tries to create these positive associations with the happy meals and all that and He's like if I ever have kids the guy that does the documentary. He's like if I ever have kids When we see McDonald's, I'm gonna punch them in the face. Every time I see the Golden Arches I'll punch them in the face. Yeah, and so that became a family joke.

Rachel Denning (38:37.71)
And I remember driving through like Central America and stuff and we'd see the gold marches. Well, because here's the difference. The very first time we drove to Costa Rica, we drove through Mexico, down to Costa Rica, that's where we ate. We were terrified of eating local food. In our ignorance, we thought we were just gonna get sick if we stopped at a restaurant. And so we ate at KFC and we ate at McDonald's. Those were the places we ate. Well, the second time we drove through, which would have been...

2010 or 11. The first time was 2007. We went back in like 2011. We didn't, by then we had given it up and when we saw the Golden Arches I'd be like, hurry let me punch you in the face Parker. Punch a kid. And that became the family joke. Like that was the inside joke and it's still kind of a thing today where you know we're like oh I'm gonna punch you in the face when we see McDonald's. But we gave it up then.

And we haven't gone back. And then we went to the next level of like, yeah, we're not even going to eat it. Applebee's or TJFridays because we're creating this family culture of real food, right? And our older kids, this past summer, they spent time away from us. Parker stayed here in Georgia while we were in Utah. Aliyah spent extra time in Utah while we came back. And both of them said something.

when they got back about, or when we got back together about how they've missed our food. Because they had regular food with the people they were staying with and they noticed that there's a difference. There is a difference when you have this culture of high standards for food.

It feels different. Aliyah, literally just right before, while I was making dinner before I came down here, she was like, yeah, I mean, you eat junk. This was her talking about this. She's 15. You eat junk food and you know, it tastes good for a minute.

Rachel Denning (40:43.15)
But when you eat our food, it's good and then you feel good afterwards. You just feel like, mm. I'm like, yes. That's awesome. She notices, she knows the difference. And that's because we've set these hard boundaries, these hard lines, a hard deck on our food culture in our home. And our family knows. And it hasn't been easy all the time.

They wanna buy ice cream or they wanna buy junk food and we're like, no, that stuff's not allowed in our home. This is not how we do life. We eat real food. That's good for you. And we've stuck to that.

vast majority of our marriage. And well, and it's again it started at a it was it was at a higher level than a lot of people because we wouldn't even buy an ice cream scoop when we got married. Like we were gonna register and I'm like hey we need an ice cream scoop and you're like no we don't we're not gonna eat ice cream and I was like oh yeah and so it started there but it's kept leveling up over the years and we've had to make those transformations.

again and again to say, no, now this is the new standard. It's higher. And when we felt like we needed to do something, we did it. So again, coming back to you listeners, you're kind of going to this, just think about everything in your physical life. Maybe you felt like you need to learn how to cook or learn how to cook different things, find different recipes. Maybe you need to change the food culture. Think about like your clothing too and your wardrobe. Maybe you need to do drastic changes. A purge. Maybe.

And then go through your physical environment. This is so cool. You can, what we're talking about today, like seeking this intuition and being willing to take drastic change. You can do this with literally every aspect of your life. So start walking through, walk through your house and your yard. Like maybe you just need to move. Maybe you're just like, you know, I'm done. I'm done being here. Let's go and have the courage to follow through. When you get an intuition, inspiration, some kind of guidance, stay on it. Don't just like, oh yeah, I'm going to do that later.

Rachel Denning (42:49.198)
And then it goes away. Like, stay on it until it happens. And don't think that when challenges or obstacles come that that's some sort of sign from God in the universe that it's not supposed to happen. There will be obstacles. But, but even more importantly, the obstacles are a sign that that's the right path. Because the growth required to overcome those obstacles is exactly what you need to become the person.

You need to be to live your dream life. Those obstacles are a sign that this is the right way. So don't mistake them. Greg and I, we honestly get so infuriated when we've heard this again and again over the years from different people. And they'll be like, well, I was going to do this. And then this happened. And I just saw that that was a sign from God that it wasn't meant to be. And I'm like, no.

That was God in the universe saying, how bad do you really want this thing? You've got to prove it by finding a way to make it happen despite the obstacle in your way.

Ooh, hello. So you might, my guess is because I've heard so many of you say it already, you might feel like you need to purge, just get rid of a lot of stuff. And that can be a hard one, where you just feel strongly like we need to get rid of so much stuff and then.

you start getting rid of things and there's so much kickback and then your own emotional kickback and then your survival brain's like, how can we live without stuff? And so you just stop doing it, right? And you like hold on to it and you keep your mess. Which is all a part, a valid part of this process, this experience. That is kind of the point. All of those emotions, all of that kickback, everything that is involved in that process is the point. That is how you grow. That is.

Rachel Denning (44:50.35)
how you become better. I keep emphasizing this. I just feel like it needs to be emphasized because too often people just want to throw up their hands and back off and say, okay, nevermind, we won't do it. And it's like, no, that is the reason why you need to do this. If you don't have enough influence with your kids to be able to do a purge in your house, that's because you don't have enough influence with your kids. That's the bigger problem.

not the purging, but that you can't influence them to see why purging would be valuable. Because you don't have influence. And this, sorry, this situation is just, I know, this situation is simply revealing your lack of influence. Well, one more thing it might reveal is how attached you or your children might have become to stuff. Which is another challenge. That's the other reason doing the purge is difficult because...

You're so emotionally attached to your things. Yeah, which is huge. And your kids will pick up on that, and that'll affect the rest of their lives. Absolutely. This is one example. Another subject that I want to bring up is your education and your kids' education. Or we could talk about the mind and the brain. And just, again, close your eyes. Think through this. What do you need to do? What do you feel like you need to do for your own education? What do you feel like you need to do for your kids' education?

We've had many, many people tell us like, oh, I just feel like I should homeschool my kids.

But my kids want to go to school. Kids do this, or it'd be too hard, or I don't know. I don't feel like I'm qualified. And then this huge list of excuses. So there's this clear guidance that this is what they ought to do for the well -being of their children. And they don't do it because of some reason. Some obstacle. Some obstacle. And you're like, well, yeah, the obstacles are going to come. And you have to have it. So you might, I might ask that question. You might be like, you know what?

Rachel Denning (46:55.278)
You've always wanted to read the Harvard classics. All right, starting the Harvard classics, you're like, oh, that would take forever. That'd be so hard. But then, oh, then I have to read Nietzsche. And like, oh, and then you talk yourself out of the thing you, you yourself felt like you should do. That reminds me, I wanted to read the Harvard classics. I totally forgot. There you go. See? It happened. It didn't happen. I started on Don Quixote, and then I got discouraged. Oh, man. Yeah, he is discouraging. But.

You go through it anyway. So I finished his book. I was like, glad to be done with that one. But what is it you need to do for your mind and your education? What is it you need to do and spend some time feeling this? What do your kids need? And you're going to realize, man, that kid needs a huge international experience. Write that down and act on it. And don't start listening to excuses. Oh my goodness. How would I ever go? I can't afford that. That's so expensive.

How would that kid ever get over there? I don't know. They don't deserve it. Yeah. Yeah, you come up with all these reasons. We've heard this. This is, this kills. Well, I want to say something about the homeschooling thing, but this also kills me because we hear parents say this a lot and they're like, well, I don't want to do that for my kid because they haven't earned it. Well, exactly. That's why your kid needs help because they're not living up to their expectations or their privileges. That's why they need.

intervention. They need the trip. They need the experience. And parents are like, well, that's rewarding them. No, it's not rewarding them. It's transforming them. And you're not willing to do the transformational experience because you want them to earn it first. It doesn't work like that. It's like the fire saying, give me wood and then I'll wait. How does that saying go? Give me fire and then I'll give you wood. It doesn't work that way. So, you know, back to the homeschooling thing. It,

kind of like with the purging, if you try, you have this idea or inspiration or intuition that you should do this thing and then you don't because, oh, it's gonna be too hard or my spouse won't wanna do it, the kid definitely doesn't wanna do it. Well, that's simply again, revealing that you lack influence with the kid or with the spouse or with the circumstances. It's simply revealing what you don't have.

Rachel Denning (49:18.158)
and what you need to develop to, because you know, parents want these close relationships with their kids. They want to be able to have influence with their kids. And yet when they have some idea or inspiration of something that could help with that, they don't do it because they lack the influence with the kid to make it happen.

The obstacle is the way. Having an idea that you should do that and then figuring out how to make it happen is exactly how you get what you want, which is a closer relationship with your kid. Beautiful. Pay attention also to what else it might reveal. It might reveal how much fear is controlling and directing your life. You might realize there's, you've had this whole list of ideas and insights and inspiration and you've been avoiding them chronically, maybe for years or decades.

And this might be a huge ah -ha moment. You've been living under your fears. Or it might be, it might reveal this inherent laziness that you have all kinds of great ideas. You know, you have a huge list of things, you know, you felt inspired to do and you just never do them because you just rather watch some Netflix or something or whatever it is, whatever else it reveals about you. But be willing to face those things and take action. And maybe it's going to reveal that you just suck at execution.

of just like following through on things you know you need to do and you just have this huge list and you never get to it. Well, Dan Gelman, start today right now. Get after your list, take action, bold action right away and start making things happen. Which I do want to emphasize this for a minute because I do believe that's another important key that we've used with all of the things we've done. I mean, whenever we've had some sort of idea,

or inspiration about something, we act on it right away. I remember the very first, my very first international experience really was you took me to Mexico for like a second honeymoon. I was pregnant with our fourth child by then. And I had such a almost spiritual transformational experience there that I thought we need to create these kinds of experiences for our kids because here I am in my twenties.

Rachel Denning (51:39.278)
And this is the first time I've interacted with people in a different language and in another country and culture. And I thought, we need this for our kids, for our family. And I went back to the hotel. At that moment, we could have just ended it right there. We should do this someday. We should do this someday. Yeah. But I went - And it could have ended right there. Right. But I went back to the hotel and I told you, let's move to Mexico. Like, it was just that. Let's move to Mexico. And you said, okay.

And we went home from our vacation and started planning to do that. We started selling things. We started figuring out to rent our house. Like we literally started taking steps to do it. Now we waited to move because I was pregnant. We had a baby. And then in the meantime, we decided to move to Costa Rica instead of Mexico, but we took immediate action. We did not stop to think about it or analyze. We just, I had the thought, the inspiration.

I told you and you said, yep, let's do it. And that was it. And of course you guys can imagine all of the details that needed to be figured out. Oh, so many details. All of the naysayers and all the fears and worries and concerns and obstacles and setbacks. It was huge. I don't, this fits, I don't know if you remember the details of that trip. I was working one day on one of our properties and somebody came in and was like, oh, I just, I just went on this trip to Cancun.

I was like, oh really? He's like, yeah, it was like super cheap. Just got this, called this agent whenever I booked it and I was done. I'm like, seriously? Like, cause I, we had never traveled and like no travel experience. I'm like, really? It was that much? And he's like, yeah. I'm like, dude, I'm doing it. So I'm like, give me the number. And I called that day. You didn't even tell me you called me after you. All right. I just called it. I'm like, Hey, what can you book like something for my wife and I like play like, yeah, I'll play it in a car. And it's all inclusive. I'm like, how much? Like, can I watch? Okay, done. Do it right now.

And I did it. And I'm like, babe, we're going to Mexico. We're going to Mexico. So that's another example of like, I got an idea. I'm like, we should do that. And I took action. I bought it and went home and told you, say, we're going to Mexico. And that changed the course of our life. Yeah. Because I got a little inspiration. I felt like we should do it. And I did it. But the reality is, that's essentially how we do life. We've continued to do it that way. When we get some sort of idea like, oh, we should move to Europe, we take it seriously. And we act on it.

Rachel Denning (53:59.374)
And that's why we've lived in Europe and why we're going back to Europe. And it's because of these things, these ideas that we confront and that we take action on despite the fact that you're moving into the darkness and the unknown because it's still frightening every time, at least for me. It's because we do that anyways that we've been able to live the life we've lived.

others. I feel like we could go on for a long long time with each area but I want to mention a few more just so it becomes obvious and I want to invite you to regularly have this practice of just picking an aspect of your life or a specific relationship in your life and just sitting with it for a minute and feeling it. Get some clarity, get all the chatter out of your head and get in a quiet beautiful place, maybe get in nature, whatever, get your journal out, whatever, however you do it. Maybe we're driving.

But just feel like, hey, what about this area? So we could go next to emotions. Just examine yourself emotionally. And just feel. Feel your intuition. What do you need to do emotionally? In the last little bit, I've had people reach out to me, two specific instances to stand out, where one was like, hey, I dead serious have got to address my anger issue. It has to stop. It's been a problem for well over two decades in marriage and in parenting. It's got to stop.

And then another one was just kind of an emotional disengagement. Like, I need to engage. I gotta show up. I need to be who I need to be. And there's those insights there, and in both those instances, and many, many more. There's been so many examples where we get this strong feeling of like, I gotta change this. I gotta stop. I gotta feel more. I gotta get control of my emotions. I gotta master, I gotta stop exploding. Whatever it is. But then what's interesting,

In these instances and in many others, they say, well, I felt this before and I made these commitments for, but I didn't do anything about it. I didn't change. I didn't follow through. It's almost like you see this pattern. If you'll stop and you'll have this awareness, you'll notice there's been a pattern. You've probably known you should do this thing for quite a while. And maybe you've been in this little pattern of like, okay, I'm going to do it in the last couple of weeks. Then I got to do this in the last couple of weeks.

Rachel Denning (56:25.87)
And sometimes you maintain an existence, but sometimes it gets so ugly and so destructive, you pay a heavy, heavy, miserable, tragic price for not responding to intuition and those things that you should do. So do it with each of your relationships. Think about your marriage. Just feel it. What should I do? And you're going to get these clear moments.

Some of you will be like, you know what, I gotta date my spouse more. We gotta go on a date every week. And then I'll meet with clients, and they're the kind of date every week people. I'm like, when was the last time you went on a date? It's like, oh, it's been months. I'm like, what are you doing? You're like, oh, we gotta get away. I gotta stop doing this pattern where I work too much or whatever, and get clear on that and then act on it. Do it with your work. Maybe you need to change careers completely.

Maybe you need to seriously level up and especially right now at this time in the history of the world and the economy, listen carefully to what kind of guidance you might get, what kind of intuition will come about. It might be something like a whole new skill set or an entirely different career. Or a new investment strategy or like whatever, I don't know. And I feel like God and the universe are always conspiring in our favor and we'll be guided even ahead of time to prepare.

for things that are coming. Right? That you can't know are coming. I feel that that's what happened with where we are right now. We're living in Georgia. It wasn't a place any of us would have picked. It wasn't something we specifically wanted, a place we specifically wanted to be per se. But this one's actually a good example because the kids and I all resisted so heavily. That's true. You felt so strongly we had to do it. It was, this was your big should. Your intuition was like, we go there. Absolutely.

and the rest of us, all eight of us were like, no, why would we go there? We don't want to go to Georgia. And I just knew clearly that that's where we needed to be. We needed to come here. We needed to be here. I didn't know why. And we did six months before COVID hit. And instead of being living in an RV or being stuck in another country or being stuck in an apartment,

Rachel Denning (58:49.486)
We were in a big six bedroom house with a fenced yard, sitting on the lake next to a pool. Like what better quarantine setup could you ever ask for? You know what I mean? Like perfect. It was awesome. And interestingly, the way it worked out, she was so set on that. It worked out perfectly. We ended up staying three or four months in Houston, Texas before coming here. I was thinking about this and talking about it with a client the other day. And that...

We never would have done that had we not been in the process of getting here. And the people we met there, I started coaching clients there, this was three years ago, and I'm still coaching them. And this led to other clients. The relationships, friendships, everything that's built along the way was because we took action on that. And you had to put up with some serious resistance. I did, because you guys did not want to come. And I had to use my powers of persuasion and influence to say, I get it.

But we're going. So take, make some time today or tomorrow or this weekend, carve out some time. Again, speaking of taking action on things we suggest, actually do this. Don't be like, yeah, I should know, like schedule it, make it happen, do this and go through every aspect of your life. So you can go through financial. What do you need to do with your money? You can go through social and you can go through mission and purpose and impact. Where you live.

What you do. Like what are you doing? Why in the world are you there? So many people live where they live and they don't know why. It was some job or something. And it's a job they don't even like. Right. Or you just like, well, this is where we've always lived or this is where I was raised. You're like, well, why did you do that? It's like, well, because your grandpa moved there. Why did he move there? Because he wanted to. And so you're still living off.

decision when your ancestors made, he's like, I'm sick of this place, I'm moving to another place. And now for generations, like, this is where we stay. Wait a minute. Just like, where do you want to go? What do you want to do? And go through every part of your life. Look at your vehicles. Look at your clothes, like I said. Look at your surroundings, the work you do, the way you do work, all your environments. Go talk to your children. Yeah. Each of your kids and each of your relationships in your life and evaluate them. Some of your relationships you've just been dragging along like they need to stop.

Rachel Denning (01:01:10.254)
And then some that you've been neglecting need some deep investment. Look at what you're consuming on a daily basis. Look at what you're outputting. Some of you have a mission and a message and you're not sharing it. You're not doing anything about it. You felt maybe multiple times you needed to do something positive. This mission, this purpose, this message, whatever it is, you haven't done it for whatever stinking reason.

It's all just stinking thinking. So examine head to toe. What do you need to do for every part of your being? What do you need to do spiritually?

just go through life and then give it some quiet thought and reflection. My suspicion is you'll have some pretty awesome and special experiences and if you're open to it you'll get some pretty special direction. And this whole message today, this whole episode is an encouragement for you to take action. And not ignore it. Do not ignore it. Do not put it off.

If you've been doing something now and you realize, yeah, if we had a chance to do it over, I wouldn't do that, stop right then and end it. Don't keep going. Thank you. Oh man, man, if we could do life over, I sure wouldn't move here, or I sure wouldn't be in that situation, or this group, or this team, or whatever, then quit. Just be done. Like whatever it is, or.

If you're like, gosh, oh, man, the one thing I wish I'd do differently, I wish I'd started writing back then. I wish I'd written every day for the last 10 years, because I just had this inspiration to write. Well, how much did you write last week? Wow, it's because I'm a bit like, no, man, stop and start today. Write your 1 ,000 words and stick to it. Follow through. OK, this is good stuff. And share with us. If you get some big insights and I'll share them with you guys, reach out to us.

Rachel Denning (01:03:19.374)
And if you know someone who needs to hear this message, share it with friends and family and colleagues who need to hear this and get this reminder of like, look, let's take action. Let's follow through on the guidance. We can all have access to this inner knowing. And I promise if we will seek that inner knowing and respond to it, like actually act on it, it will literally change the course of quality of our life. Love you guys. Thanks for listening.