#206 Inspire, Not Require... Sounds Ideal, But Does it Actually Work?

Rachel Denning (00:10.894)
Hey everybody, welcome back. We are coming to you today from Warsaw, Poland. Our kids are on the other side of town in an Airbnb and we're spending the weekend at a luxury hotel to celebrate Greg's 45th birthday. Please excuse any sounds of the city such as sirens, et cetera. There is a philosophy in parenting and education, perhaps started by TJ Ed, Thomas Jefferson Education, that states inspire, not require.

The idea is that instead of requiring your children or students to do things, chores, reading, studies, being kind, you inspire them to do it through your actions and example. But does that mean that there is never a time to require anything? As one mom put it, while I love the idea of inspiring and think it is the best way in the end, does it mean that there's no room for requirements? Do we not need to set boundaries and expectations? And is that similar to requirements?

If not, what do you do in the meantime when you're not so great at inspiring? And if there is a need for both, how do you navigate that field, especially if you're really good at the requiring part?

This is what we expound on in this episode. We discuss inspiration as a force in your life and the lives of your children to move you to action. We explain how to feed the fire of inspiration in your family life so that you can take the action required to do the things you want and need to do to create the life you dream of and to become the people you want to become. Proper inspiration invites your children to decide for themselves to do the work they need to reach their dreams. It's intrinsic instead of extrinsic.

and it will carry on into their adult life. But we also explain when and how requiring is needed. We share specific strategies for setting boundaries and creating expectations and how to go about requiring things in the right way instead of through punishments, manipulation, discipline, or harshness. If you want your children to be guided by an inner knowing that motivates them to proper action now and when they grow up, then listen to this episode now.

Rachel Denning (02:20.014)
If you would like to have help inspiring your teen or young adult to have better habits and a better attitude, then make sure to check out our Habits for a Successful Life online class for teens and young adults. Parents and youth absolutely love this class because of Mr. Denning's enthusiasm and energy and because of the way it gives them clear inspiration and direction for making positive changes and creating better habits in their life.

Click the link in the show notes to learn more or to register now. If you enjoy this episode or any of our episodes, would you please do us a favor and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or at our website, podcast .extraordinaryfamilylife .com. When you leave us a rating and a review, it helps to make this world a better place by getting this podcast into the ears of more parents. Parents are the molders and shapers of the future generations.

We all need all the help we can get to be the best people and the best parents we can. Families with thriving parents raise thriving children who grow up to have a positive impact on their own families and communities, which leads to better nations and a better world. So you can have an impact by taking a minute to share the podcast with someone who will benefit from it and by leaving a rating or review. And make sure to follow us on Instagram if you're not already. You can find us at WorldSchoolFamily or at greg .denny.

Thank you so much for listening.

Rachel Denning (04:00.366)
Hey everybody, welcome to the extraordinary family life podcast. We are your host, Greg and Rachel Denning, and we are sitting.

Rachel Denning (04:12.974)
sub.

I know that's not how you say it, but I don't know how to actually say it. It's something else that it's not Warsaw. We're celebrating my birthday here. Man, just celebrating life and goodness and marriage and family and Rachel and I are philosophers. You guys know that already. We at least want to be philosophers. We just pontificate.

and talk about all these fun things in life and just absolutely loving this adventure with our families.

We just have one family. Not families. I'm speaking in the future present tense because they're all going to have families and they'll be our families. True. I love this stuff you guys. So thanks for listening. Thanks for being here. Thanks for caring enough to listen. Thanks for wanting to have an extraordinary family life. We got some awesome questions that we're going to address. Today we'll just hit one that came in. And years ago,

There were some...

Rachel Denning (05:26.926)
experts, leaders in parenting and education that this was years and years and years ago shared this idea. It was TJ Ed. Yeah, but I don't even know if it really started with him. But the idea is the statement was inspire, not require. So the questions have come up often over the last couple of decades with that of like, well, how do you actually do that? Like, what does that even mean? Like you don't require anything.

And the question that came in actually had some great insights into that, particularly with, you know, you might come up with this in your own family or in co -ops that you belong to or other education groups where they really want to lean into this idea of inspire, not require. And then the question is, you know, of course, while I love the idea of inspiring and think it's the best way in the end, does that mean there's no room for requirements? Do we not need to set boundaries and expectations? And is that similar to requirements?

for our youth. Fantastic. So I have a lot to say on this and I actually get really fired up about it because it is it's it's actually an awesome idea and inspiration I think is one of the greatest forces on earth. I really truly believe that. What what force is there that could stop.

pure inspiration in yourself and in the people around you. It's just, it is powerful. And what do you mean exactly by that? Are you talking about the actual force that moves you to take action? Like the motivational aspect of it? Yeah. You act on... It's like this fire inside that drives you to act. Yeah, that drives to action. And when you feel inside, when an individual feels just...

filled with inspiration, you're inspired, and some of us are like, oh, I feel so inspired, and then we do nothing. Right, because I think some people would say inspiration is that feeling that makes you desire or want something but might not drive you to action. For some people, that might be different. You're right. And so I'm glad you brought that up because we need to clearly define that because I think you're absolutely right. Some will be like, I felt so inspired and then did nothing. Countless.

Rachel Denning (07:52.878)
It's like going to the seminar. Yeah, and you're all pumped up. You go meet some... In fact, I remember specifically I was in a meeting with this bodybuilder and fitness expert and the whole room was just like, yeah, this is amazing. We're all going to get the best health of our lives. And one guy was like, yeah. It was a Friday afternoon. He's like, yeah, by Monday, none of us will actually make any changes or do anything. And it was interesting because we felt inspired, but...

Yeah, what I'm referring to is beyond that. This is good. It has to be part of the discussion. The only way this works is if it's a level of inspiration that... Drives motivation. Motivational action. Yes, and drives it so much so that it can't be stopped. It's an unstoppable force. It's that level of inspiration. You know what I'm saying? It's...

as though you can't quench it, you can't stop it. When somebody, and these are my definitions, right? This is my word. When somebody is truly, deeply inspired and they feed it, and maybe we ought to talk about this too, that inspiration seems to be something that can be used up or exhausted. It needs to be, if we view it as a fire, let's do the fire of inspiration, let's go with that metaphor, then it has to be fed. It has to be constantly and regularly fed. It needs logs.

You gotta throw logs on that fire. But if there's a fire burning, it'll get through. It'll get things done. And so when I'm really, really inspired, I take action. I get things done. And I will go through heaven and hell and push through anything to go after it when I'm truly inspired and the fire of inspiration is burning. Yes, but I think that that's a very important point that people often miss.

is that it does require regular, consistent fuel. Like you can't, you could build a huge bonfire and think that that's gonna solve the problem, but the bonfire will burn out. The best answer is regular feeding of logs on the fire to keep it burning. Okay, I mean this is kind of a similar example, except they don't really use logs, but we...

Rachel Denning (10:15.31)
We're walking around Warsaw and they have, like they do in many cities, the tomb of them or the memorial to the unknown soldier. And they have guards standing out there and they have an eternal flame that keeps burning. Like it never goes out. It has ongoing fuel for that to happen. Like in that case, it's like gas, but it's the same idea. Like you have to have constant fuel to keep that fire alive. That's another great example. It's got a fuel line. And if you were to turn off that fuel line, that fire's out.

And so when you're talking about inspire, not require your children, it's the same type of thing. And in many ways, that's why it's actually a more difficult, harder path because inspiring someone to do something constantly is, well, in theory, I don't know about in practice, harder than requiring them to do something all the time. Really, they're both actually work. Right. And, but the...

the outcome of the inspirational side of it is actually better in the long run because then it turns into self motivation. Intrinsic motivation. Where require is always extrinsic. Exactly. So again, there's a lot to this, a lot of aspects. And one of them is that inspiration makes it or invites the intrinsic motivation where someone is inspired.

by your actions or what's in front of them. They're like, oh, I want that. And so inside, in their heart, in their mind, in their soul, they're saying, I want that. I want to do what I have to do to get that. That's what you want. Instead of, hey, you, do this thing because you should do it. Or because something, I'll punish you or whatever. Yeah, I think that's an important difference because when they're inspired, what you're essentially doing is,

you're going to use inspire a lot here, you're inspiring them or encouraging them or inviting them to decide on their own to take the action. So they are the ones that internally decide I'm going to act on this thing and perhaps it's for an external reward or whatever, but over time that internal decision to take the action turns into the intrinsic motivation to keep taking the action as they mature and develop.

Rachel Denning (12:36.942)
And so it's small and subtle, but it makes a big difference. It's external prodding versus internal drive. Or fuel or firing or sparking, right? You're throwing logs on the fire. You're fueling it. I just love that idea of keeping that flame going. So if it's a flame of inspiration, it has to keep going and they will learn how to self fuel. The point is the flame is in them. Exactly. You're lighting that flame within them, which then...

drives them, but if they don't go through that process of having the flame lit at all, because it's constantly like, and we've seen this with kids and teens, they're constantly told what to do all the time, and they never learn how to make their own decisions. Like we've had - Or they don't even want to. What's the point? They don't even have a drive to make their own decisions. I mean, we've met with lots and lots of families and people around the world, and we've seen situations where children have been told -

so much by their parents what to do and what to think and what to believe and what to listen to that they don't even know what they like. We'll ask them questions, hey what do you like? What movies? What music? What this? And they're like, I don't know. Or they'll look at their parents like, what do I like mom? What do I like dad? I don't know because they've constantly been told and the decisions have been made for them that they've never had that inner fire lit to...

guide and direct their life, to decide what it is they like, and what they want to do, and what they believe in, what they think. So that's the essence of this subtle difference, is that you're trying to light that within them so that they learn what that feels like, what it looks like, and how it works. And then they can learn to use that themselves. Yeah, exactly. To drive it themselves. And that makes all the difference. Like, huge.

Huge difference. So ultimately the end goal is you're modeling for them and teaching them. So you're offering inspiration and then they're learning how to self inspire, how to find inspiration themselves, how to seek out an inspiration, how to keep their own fire going and how to inspire themselves ultimately and then have enough flame and fire to also inspire others. So it passes on this torch.

Rachel Denning (15:01.038)
That requires a ton. And I'll just be, I'm not gonna sugar coat this at all. Like you have to be seriously inspiring and you have to do it day in and day out. Whatever, you have to anyways. What are you gonna be lame? What's the alternative? You're gonna be lame your whole life? And I'll be, well this isn't news to anyone. Look around at teachers.

and parents who are very uninspiring. They're dull and boring. And authoritarian. Or whatever. Like, it's almost like the norm is uninspiring. The norm is requiring. Right. Or, and here's where this is a bit of a problem as well. They will use the IE

the idea of inspire not require, and so they don't require, but they're also not inspiring. And so it's just left for blah. And so it's this excuse of like, well, I'm not going to require myself. I'm not going to require my children. I'm just going to inspire. And like, you're not even close to inspiring, or you're trying, but it's not working. Like, you legitimately have to be inspiring. Well, and or as it's pointed out in the question we received, that

Sometimes in those cases, it's oh inspire not require and then there's also no guidelines boundaries expectations and so what happens is Very little or nothing or video games or it's las eferas is like, okay, whatever right and you know when they're inspired then yeah exactly then I'll take action like Thinking your weed garden will just like turn into this amazing vegetable garden when it you know when it's good and ready, right? Are you kidding?

Yeah, so we're in no way saying, oh, if you're inspiring your children, that that means there's no requirements, no rules, no expectations, no boundaries. In fact, I think it's the exact opposite. It's by having high expectations, high ideals, clear boundaries, that helps you to inspire your children. It helps you to lead and guide your children. They need it. That actually is inspiring.

Rachel Denning (17:27.373)
having high standards and high ideals and solid boundaries, that's how we earn respect. That is inspiring. So having boundaries, having expectations, having super high personal standards of the principles and practices that govern your life, that is inspiring. And so it's kind of a combination of this. And if you're truly...

legitimately inspiring, then you don't have to require in the traditional sense of the carrot and the stick and do this or else. And I think there's so many aspects here, my mind's all over the place, but I think people are actually really ineffective overall. And I'm not trying to be rude here, I'm just making an observation. People are really ineffective at inspiring and they're also really ineffective at requiring. The way we go about it matters.

And because we lacked tact, it's bleh, or undoing or else, or it's a screaming, yelling match, or some arbitrary punishment or a dumb rule, or you're requiring something that's retarded and you're going to hold your ground because you have to do this, or you're trying to inspire the wrong thing that's completely irrelevant or misplaced or the timing's off. Well,

like when you were talking about having high standards is inspiring, even that, I keep mentioning the subtlety here because it really does make a difference and I've noticed it in my own parenting and our relationship and everything that you can have a high standard but if you act like,

Rachel Denning (19:13.645)
Controlling, manipulative, like this is the high standard I hold and we are going to live by this and you know, my rules, my way or the highway. If you have that sort of attitude about it, it's actually now not inspiring. It's totalitarian and you feel like rebelling against that. And so it has to be so subtle. It's uninspiring even if you live by that because you're just like, what in the?

That's a swear word. A swear word. And so, like it has to be done in a way that it comes from an inner place of humility and sincere desire to be your best self just because you want to be your best self. And then when appropriate or relevant, you share with your kids or...

your spouse. You know what I'm saying? And, and you don't have to like, I can't remember who it was. One of the reformers was like, preach at all times and if necessary use words. Exactly. Like you don't, you don't have to go around telling people how inspiring you are if you're, cause results don't lie. So you have to be like living it. Let me, let me, an easy example is physical fitness, right? Because it's, it's very easy to see.

and the results are palpable. So if you're in fantastic shape, you don't have to walk around like, hey man, I worked out, keep working out, do what I'm doing. You don't have to talk about it. Like people can see, it's just like, wow, okay, that person is in great shape. Like just today, you went and got a massage, birthday massage, and you went down there and there's this Ukrainian guy. I've got this big old robe on and...

And he's like, oh, wow, you train a lot. And I'm like a robot, right? And I'm like, yeah, I do. He's like, oh, that's great. And so I go in and so I take the robot off for the massage. And he's like, wow. He's like, wow, what sports do you practice? And I was like, well, he's like, I know, I know, you do MMA. You're a fighter. I can tell. And you're like, oh, yeah, I am. So what was really funny is I didn't say a word.

Rachel Denning (21:38.925)
A word, even when he asked me, do you work out a lot? What do you do? I didn't answer either questions. He answered, he asked and then answered. I think that's a perfect example. Like results don't lie. It's obvious to others what you do. That's inspiration right there. Like that's the essence of it. You don't have to teach or preach or even say much. He recognized you work out. That...

That right there is the essence of how inspiration works. When you can feed a fire with that continually, that inspires people to take their own action in their life. Now if I'm rocking the dad bod, and I don't know anyone who's ever been inspired by the dad bod, you know, you got the gut and whatever, you're kind of chubby, extra weight, walk around, you're like, hey, and I'm like,

You guys should work out. Go outside. Go play. Get some exercise, kids. Get some exercise. And they're just going to be like... That's required, not inspired. Like, look who's talking. Yeah, but I'm older and I'm busy and I work a lot. And we have all these excuses, all these pathetic stories. But at the end of the day, that's lame. It's very uninspiring. Right. And while this example is directly related to physical fitness, it's the same principle.

for anything that you want your children to do. If that's the approach we take of telling them what they should be doing, that's essentially requiring instead of inspiring. Here's the fascinating thing, and you might not think this is fair, but a fair is where pigs win ribbons. So sorry guys, life's not fair. You're going to hear this and think, well, that's not fair. But it's absolutely true. People and your children or other children, youth, whatever. Your children are people. Yeah. They will.

like cross examine. So if you're dropping the ball in one area of your life, but talking about another area, they see across the plane, so to speak. So, and they'll, they'll use that. They'll be like, you might be talking to them about reading or whatever, but they know that you are.

Rachel Denning (24:04.685)
totally dropping the ball with relationships or controlling your emotions or your finances or your addictions or how you waste time like whatever and that affects the way people see you and perceive you and listen to you 100 % and it doesn't you're like, yeah, but but I'm not talking to you about that I'm talking about this where I do really well and I can't but I'm looking at you and it's like

Parker Palmer says, right, in The Courage to Teach, which is a phenomenal book. I highly recommend it for everybody. He says, you teach what you are. It doesn't matter what subject. It doesn't matter what you're talking about. You cannot, none of us, none of us can escape from teaching what we are. And so the foundation for Inspire,

require and it makes requiring easy and sometimes unnecessary because it's inspiring but the foundation absolute foundation for inspiration is you the whole you because you teach what you are now of course that does not mean you have to be perfect just pretty dang close no you don't even have to be close to perfect what you do have to be

is.

Striving. Yeah, I was going to say trying, but striving is the better word. You have to be striving. And I'm legit here, not your little pathetic pseudo effort and say, I did my best, I tried, I'm working. Give me a break. You hit the snooze button three times and still didn't get up. Don't give me crap that you're trying. All right, this is me.

Rachel Denning (26:01.645)
This is me saying baby steps are for babies. Like you have to legitimately be striving. Right, you have a point because striving is essentially being honest with yourself and keeping commitments to yourself. So you know, your example of a snooze button, that's a simple example. If you hit the snooze button, the first thing you've done in the morning is break a commitment to yourself because you set an alarm to get up and then you didn't. So it's those small...

Subtle things that are making the difference on whether or not you're actually inspiring or you have to require another simple one that's gigantic and its consequences is what you're learning to is just Doing what you say you'll do Yeah, if you and your kids will pick up on it other people pick up on it if you are regularly saying things and not following through if you do not do what you say that undoes influence and inspiration

And it doesn't matter if it was about a different thing or whatever else. Like if you say you're going to do something and you don't do it, you lose the inspiration card. Right. And you lose influence. So ultimately, inspiration, if you're genuinely inspiring, and it's not as hard as you might think, and you can start at any moment.

And just follow through. It does take time to build up that capital, the reserve. I like that, the capital, right? But that doesn't mean it can't start now. Right. And you can just do it every day. And so, I don't know, part of the question was, well, can we require while we're not inspiring? And my immediate thought was, yeah, but why aren't you inspiring? Like, what's?

What's missing? And we can walk through every aspect of your life and be like, well, I haven't mastered my emotions yet. OK, start today. Today, done. And I want to help people understand this because, again, it's not about being perfect. It's not like you never get upset again. But part of this whole process is your own humility, your own...

Rachel Denning (28:23.085)
vulnerability, your willingness to say, hey guys, I said I was going to manage my emotions. I lost it. I was wrong. I am sorry. Like I'm starting again. I'm going to keep trying and keep doing this until I get it. And yes, you're right. But I'm going to keep emphasizing the hard side of this is if you're, if you're tossing your basket emotionally two or three times a day and you make a commitment to stop, then maybe once a week while you're getting better. And then once a month,

and then once a year and get a whole year crap.

And you go, well, I can't, it's hard, it's this. And I guarantee if you were annoyed by your kids or frustrated or whatever and I was standing there giving you the stink eye of like, don't you dare, you'd keep it together. I know you would. That's one of the things that I really love about Tony Robbins' approaches to things because he's talked about how he's helped people like this in, you know, situations, whether they want to quit smoking or they want to control their emotions or whatever. Like, I remember he talked about some - He's just willing.

to go all the way. He is willing to do whatever. And I'm like, yes, that's it, because it proves the point. I remember him talking about a woman who wanted to come in to talk to him about something, and they get in there, and she sits down, and she starts crying. He says, stop it! We didn't start! You stopped that crying right, and just like, scream, and he's huge. He's just this huge man yelling at her. She immediately stops crying, like gathers herself together, and says, oh, okay, I'm sorry.

And his point was, he was like, ha, see, look, you have control. You get to decide. And it's not that he's completely heartless or, you know, doesn't understand. He wasn't. He was actually doing that as an illustration of like, if I use shock factor, you realize, oh, well, I can totally maintain control if I need to. Exactly.

Rachel Denning (30:18.285)
And he does it with smoking, he does it with anything you can think of that people are like, I can't stop. I can't do it. This other guy said he couldn't stop smoking and so he made him light, what was it, 10 or 12 cigarettes in every finger joint. And he had to suck on all of them at the same time. He was just sitting in the room and he's like, do it now, suck it, I'm gonna kill you. And he's like, he locked the door and he's like, I promise I will kill you, you know, smoke this whole pack. And the guy's like, and he just made him smoke.

He was so sick and he like never smoked again. Yeah, by the time he was done he was sick of smoking. Now you're probably thinking this is insane. I would never do anything like that. But that's kind of the point that we're making here. Oh, another perfect example. This didn't come from Tony Robbins, but we've heard someone use this example. It's this idea of no tolerance. Like there are certain things you have to stop tolerating in your life. If you came home and your cupboard, kitchen cupboard was filled with cockroaches,

You wouldn't tolerate that. Hopefully not.

and you would stop everything else and you would clean out that cupboard. That's what we're talking about. Well yeah, but I'm busy, Rachel. I'm busy. I have to work. I have some things. I have so much going on right now. My kids are calling me. Like, none of you would be like, no, I'm not letting a... The cockroach infestation. ...cocker stay. Like, I'm dropping everything and getting rid of the roaches. And we've talked about that in another episode, but you have to raise that tolerance. And what I'm saying to you is you can do that right now. You can do that during this podcast. You could just...

stop and say I'm done. I'm done eating junk food. I'm done drinking soda. I will never do that again. I'm done binge watching Netflix when I know I should be reading because I'm trying to get my kids to read and I don't read. I'm done with these emotional disemotional flatulence that I suffer with and it's not that you suffer you're not a victim. You're just choosing. You're allowing it. You're tolerating it. Exactly. It's essentially that. Everything that you're doing that is uninspiring.

Rachel Denning (32:21.999)
or whatever, degrading or causing problems, all of these things. The essence of it is you are tolerating it. That's all it is. You're tolerating that behavior, that habit in your life. And if you stop tolerating it, just like you would not tolerate the cockroaches, that's when change occurs. And suddenly you're like, I'm done. I am done. I love this stuff.

Now, I do want to add a few other little...

Tools, strategies, techniques for still quote unquote requiring things with your kids while you're doing this process. It's not something you can do independent. It has to be done with the inspiration. And I think that's where the true magic comes from with requiring. It's done in conjunction with inspiration. And the more inspiring you are, the easier it is to require. Absolutely. Because at that point, it's just a simple ask.

Or even better than that, like you don't, because the highest level is you don't have to ask. They just do it because they see you doing it. The next level is maybe a suggestion, an invitation, and they just are all over it. And then you work your way down to like, no, I'm going to insist you do this. Right. With our teenagers, we are at the point with all of them where if we ask anything, they do it.

There's no question, there's no kickback, nothing. It's just like, will you do this? Yep. And it's done. Many times they just do it without us even asking. Yeah. Now with our 12 year old, there is the kickback because that's the age. He's in that stage of anything that requires effort is out. Undesirable. Effort, effort's involved. So, you know, at that stage and younger especially,

Rachel Denning (34:23.373)
Here's a perfect example. Sometimes the younger ones are easier. They almost, they go through this transition where they're just like, anything that requires effort just seems so miserable. Well, it's a normal transition. They are going through that where they're questioning, they're pushing boundaries. It's part of growing up. And so you just have to recognize that that's a part of it. Now there does have to sometimes be an enforcing of boundaries. Just like, you know, you love to use the analogy of cattle, cows. I mean, cows will go around a field and push on the fence.

to find where the weak spots are. That's exactly what, especially 12 year olds and often teenagers are doing. They're pushing the boundaries. Teens only do that.

if there weren't solid boundaries when they were in their teens. Exactly, right. So that's why our teens don't do that. They don't really push boundaries because they did it when they were 12 and 13 and we firmly put them, you know, let them know this is where it is. They knew there's no messing around and it was all held together by inspiration, by being the example, right, by leading by example so they don't have to push anymore. Right. So here's one example that happened today. We are at a hotel at Gregson.

We're here for two nights for his birthday. And our 12 -year -old wanted to use his device to listen to an audiobook. Now his older brother and sister. Which, we love that. We love that he likes audiobooks. That's fantastic. But we kind of have this rule in place that, oh you're supposed to do your studies first before you listen to your audiobook.

Now, his argument was it's a Saturday, right? Or it's a Sunday. I don't need to do my studies today. But his older brothers and sisters were in charge and they said, no, do your studies because we missed Friday, we were traveling, you know, all these things. Well, whatever. The whole idea is that, and this is true for all of us, for you, for your family, everything, you have to live in priority. And well, in order to be able to do that, you have to have clear priorities. And so you have to know what's important and what order it comes in.

Rachel Denning (36:25.871)
you have to establish that clearly for yourself and live by it. If you say you have priorities but you don't live by them, there goes all your inspiration out the window. So you have to do this first and live by it and then you have to establish it for your kids. No, we live our lives in priority. First things first. Right, exactly. And our teens do that and so they were requiring him to do that but he wasn't okay with that. So there was this little thing going on where he called me to get special permission and all this stuff. Well it got to the point where we

said okay I told.

their older brother, take the device from him today because he's not respecting these boundaries.

Rachel Denning (37:28.655)
to hold a boundary and a standard. And if that boundary gets pushed, then the consequence is the removal of the privilege that he is earning through the, like you said, first things first, the requirements, which has already clearly been laid out. He knows that those are the requirements. We've also been very clear with our children that you don't own your device, specifically the younger ones.

it belongs to us, so does your internet access, so does your food, you know, all of these things come from us, we provide them, and so you have expectations in order to earn the use of them. If you don't earn the use of them, you...

lose access to those privileges. Like that's a clear thing that we repeat again and again and again as often as necessary so they understand what the expectations are, their requirements and the boundaries. I think that's an important note there that we repeated again and again and again. We've talked to so many parents, they're like, why told my kids so they know? And I'm like, okay. They don't know. Well, they don't know. And you're like, no, the expectations are clear in my family. I'm like, let me go talk to them real quick. I'm like, hey, what are the expectations? And they're like, I don't know. Sometimes she gets crazy about this and then...

day my dad's yelling me for I'm like I don't even know what happened and and like that it's not clear and so when we say again every everything we're talking about today in fact every podcast episode like we say it has to be clear like it has to be clear it has to be laid out and repeated so many times that man they could wake up and say it in their sleep

You have to know, they have to know where you guys all stand. And it has to be done in an inspiring way. If you set it up like a dictatorship, or it's arbitrary, they'll despise you and resent you even if they do it. And if you do it manipulatively, if it's like, you know what, fine, you hung up on me, I'm taking away your device. You don't love me. It's none of that. It's simply, okay, you know what, this is the requirement. We've said it three times.

Rachel Denning (39:32.975)
we're taking the device for today. Now the other thing I had my kids do, because again we're in a hotel and they're in an Airbnb on the other side of the city, and so I had my older kids, I said take the devices away, we actually had took them away from the younger girls too because they did a similar thing, calling me to get permission for something that they'd been told no about, and so I said take it away, but I said you know what what they need is something fun to do.

So I said go find something fun. So they took them out actually and they were sending us videos they went to the park and they played at the playground and then the other thing that that does which is a whole nother podcast episode is it changes their state their state of being like they were filled with irritation annoyance frustration resentment but you take them out to do something and it changes how they feel it changes their state so now

They feel happy. They feel, you know, more peaceful. They feel... They just feel better. Which I would argue is...

the natural desirable state of human beings. We want to be in a good place. We get off of that when we don't sleep well, we don't eat well, we don't go outside, we're not doing interesting things, we don't have good challenges. I mean the list goes on. All that stuff just throws you off and you get in this funk. Some of you and some of you have been in a funk for weeks, months, years or decades. Once they got back in a good state, which is the natural healthy state,

He went back to the, I knew he got back to the house and had access to his device because then he texted me and said, I'm sorry mom, and apologized for the whole incident. So, it's a simple, I'm using it as an example of how this process works. Yes, you still have requirements, you still have expectations, you still have rules, but within the framework of inspiring,

Rachel Denning (41:34.349)
you allow, you know, they're gonna push the boundaries, but when they do, you just have it, it's clear. And you lay it out and you say, you know, this is how it works, these are the privileges I'm providing, which is another thing that people are often missing, like there's no clear...

understanding of I provide privileges and you have to earn those privileges because it's not a human right to have a device to use or to have access to the internet or you know fill in the blank. But there's a lot of people who think that. Right and that's part of the problem of why parents aren't able to inspire their children because why should they? Why should their children do anything that they want them to do when they have...

access to a comfortable place to live, all the food they can eat, and non -stop entertainment. It's bread and circuses all day long, and then you're hoping your kid's just gonna want to do something else. It makes no sense. You're trying to inspire them in episodic moments. Yeah.

it's going to happen automatically. It will not. I guess that's the other part of this formula. It will only work if it's realistic, if it's set up like real life, which again, that circles back to, well, I'm not going to require them to do it. I'm just going to try and inspire them. But I'm going to allow them to do whatever. Eat whatever they want and play video games all day. That's not real life. They can sit around, eat my food, have a good time. That's my point. It's not real at all. And you're creating.

a false, completely false reality in their heads. Exactly. And then we wonder why kids don't launch into life and they're adults sitting at home playing video games. It's because you've created this. You have created this false reality that your now adult children continue to exist in. Exactly. So...

Rachel Denning (43:26.861)
In addition to being more inspiring, get rid of all your video game consoles. Throw those things in the trash. It's a bunch of garbage.

And yeah, this is - Well, you can listen to our podcast about video games to learn more about that. So are there things you should require? Absolutely. Absolutely. Are there boundaries you should have and expectations? And standards. And I'm not talking about standards like your company has standards or your church has standards. I'm talking about your own -

personal and family standards like your legacy like how you as a family and as an individual try to do things with class and dignity and integrity and excellence and you have to live by that.

and set that standard through example and teach it in ways like, well, no, this is just how we do things. You don't have to fight with your kids about it. I hold really high standards for myself, and I live by them. And then I invite the people around me to follow standards.

and I inspire them to follow and then some of them I hold firmly like, no this is how we do it. I don't have to fight with the kids. It's like, no this is how we do it. So our kids, like all of them, even the little ones, you guys have heard us talk about the DDHT, Dennings Do Hard Things. Like they do hard stuff. They push their limits, they grind. And never have I had to like...

Rachel Denning (45:17.005)
get in a fight with them about doing hard things. Never had to hold it over their head or be manipulative about it. So you guys know we do hard things. And then I set the example. They've seen me do it their entire lives.

just in the last few weeks we've been out traveling and some things I'm doing next week I mean they just I don't have to tell them hey guys I'm doing hard things did you see how he did some hard things they notice and they take inventory.

I am going to say sometimes it is helpful to vocalize. To articulate. To articulate what you're doing and what you're thinking and why. But it's in more of a vulnerable way or an open way like, oh this is what I'm thinking, this is what I'm doing and this is why I'm motivated to do it and this is what inspires me about it. And you know you're just kind of naturally sharing the process as...

though you would talking to a friend or something like that, not in a bragging way. Some examples of that are like we're out traveling, right? And we'll have to, we'll take a bus all day. And man, a couple of days ago we took the bus ride. That was, it was. It wasn't the worst bus ride ever because that one was over the Atlas Mountains in Morocco, but it was.

It was pretty bad. The worst one in Europe. It's over. Let's say that. Well, the bus drivers were two of the most unpleasant dudes we've ever met. It was pretty rough. And we've had some doozies lately. I had to, well, my daughter, there was supposed to be a bus on a long, long...

Rachel Denning (46:59.373)
trip there's supposed to be a bathroom on the bus and there wasn't and my six -year -old just had to go she was beside herself and they were not stopping and they would he would not stop he's like I'm not stopping and I'm like what in the world do I do with a six -year -old that is like holding herself bouncing in the aisle and it's to make a long story short and awesome she peed in a ziplock bag and I didn't I didn't lose a drop it was amazing but on this one okay we were all exhausted

We were all hungry. We were all just tired. We got all of our luggage and we were walking through a new city in the dark and we'd go find the apartment, figure out how to get in, get all the way up there, get our stuff settled. And everyone's just like, oh, I just got to sit down and just relax because that was a long travel day. But everyone wants food. And so I just, I grab my shoes, grab my stuff, go out the door and go find some food.

And you know, it was gone. It was pretty far and it was gone for a while and come back, you know, backpack food. And I don't have to say anything. I'm just like, I'm just going to get some food. And a couple of them said something, right? They noticed. They're like, man, because they didn't feel like going anywhere. So they didn't.

And I didn't feel like going anywhere, but it had to be done. And I'll get up in the morning, you know, before everyone else, while everyone's still sleeping, I'll go out and I'll go run and explore and go find what needs to be found and get what needs to be gotten and come back and bring it. And when they wake up, like, oh, I'm so tired, I was exhausted. Like, yeah, I went for a run this morning, got stuff, and here's food. And I don't have to say more than that, but it's there. Like, okay, we're doing what needs to be done.

And they notice, they pay attention to that. I think in part because we've taught them to pay attention to those types of things. I don't know that every teenager pays attention to those things. Some of them are clueless. Some of them are clueless. They're like, food just shows up in the fridge every day. That's just how it works. Every time I open the fridge door, there's food. I don't have to worry about it. It's always there. Right.

Rachel Denning (48:59.949)
And so yeah, we're teaching them. But because, I mean, here's the other side of it. If you had asked any one of them to go with you, they would have done it. In a second. You didn't ask, so they, you know, said, I'm going to stay.

But so they know what it's like because there have been times that you ask and they go. And so they know that whole process and they understand it more because they've experienced it themselves. They get what it requires to do that after a very long travel day to then have to go out and get the food because they've done it. And that's an easy example and obviously not that hard. But it's a simple recent example of like, okay, we keep leveling up.

So yes, in theory, we are inspiring.

so that the requiring is...

easy and effortless and they begin to require it of themselves. That's the power of inspiration. I think that's the most rewarding part for us now to start seeing our older children and teens requiring of themselves that they make a list of what they're going to do and they do it. They're checking it off every day. It's impressive. It's their own list and

Rachel Denning (50:25.103)
They act on it. Like we don't say anything. It's just what they do every single day. And here's what's awesome now.

is the inspiration that started with you and me is now flowing through our older kids and our younger kids are now seeing multiple examples. When the little ones look up, they're seeing layers of inspiring behavior. So we're not the only ones now carrying the load. They're watching their siblings be like, wow.

They work out. They read.

They do challenging things. They're pushing their limits. They're whatever, social, mental, physical, spiritual, financial. They're setting that example. What was it? Aliyah, our 16 -year -old, she just turned 16. She hit 800 consecutive days on Duolingo a couple days ago. She's learning French, right? And so even the little ones, they're just like, whoa. You know, they can't wrap their heads around it, but it's being inputted in.

right? This kind of consistency. It's awesome. So when, yeah, when, when it's being done, right, you, the standards are set and it's super easy to, to quote, require it because the inspiration is there to back it up. That's, that's the framework. That's how it's done. Okay. So what do you need to do?

Rachel Denning (52:00.845)
Dear listener.

to really up level.

inspiration that radiates from you because of genuine behavior and results.

What's the thing you need to work on? And you can start today right now immediately. This is what I do in my coaching, you guys, is I help people create massive transformations and get massive results quickly. And I have a few clients I'm working with right now who have made huge transformations in their lives in just a couple of months. So.

Don't think that you can't make massive changes quickly. You can. You can dramatically change your results. And people will notice. And in fact, my clients, their spouses and family members and friends are all noticing and all commenting like, whoa dude, like you're a different person in just a very short time.

Rachel Denning (53:04.749)
So even if you've been quote struggling with it for years or you've tried everything, it's been so hard, like with the right tools and strategies, you can just start now and be done for good and start a new habit or stop an old habit and become that person. And once you are deep in that and it just radiates from you in contrast to what's radiating from you right now.

Then you have influence. Then you have power. Then you have inspiration. And man, that's powerful. Whoa. Okay, so share this, you guys, share this podcast episode with people you know who are familiar with this idea or who need to hear this, friends, family, colleagues. Leave a review if you liked it. And get out and inspire. Inspire yourself.

and inspire the people closest to you and people who are in your circle of influence. I think we have a moral obligation to do that anyways. Because, well, I can't remember who it was that said that the one thing we can never escape in life is what we radiate.

that we radiate. I can't remember who that was. It might have been William Shorst Jordan or James... One of the thinkers was like, you always radiate and you can never, ever escape that. So because we radiate, because there are always people in our circle of influence, because we either are inspiring people or... Desiring? We're just draining inspiration out of them. You're doing one thing or the other all the time.

It's not, it's - You can't escape it. You can't escape it. And so you have a moral obligation to be inspiring. It's not that hard. Set some standards and live by them. Really, that's pretty much it. Set some goals and achieve them. Say what you're going to do, be careful about that, and then do it. It's not that hard.

Rachel Denning (55:08.653)
So do that. You bring up a good point there because that's actually one thing that I've always been so careful about is not saying something unless I'm sure I'm going to do it. And that includes with my kids, my younger kids. Like I never say, oh yeah, I'll take you to the park. I'll do this. I'll do that. I don't say that to them. And I think that fits into this whole thing here of never saying something unless I am going to do it. I think that's worth emphasizing.

I mean, it's so amazing right there because in a regular, let's just take a regular family, how many times over a child's life, their childhood, has a parent said something to them like that? Like, yeah, can you take it? Yeah, I'll take it apart. And then it doesn't do it. And it stacks and stacks and stacks and stacks and stacks. I mean, it easily gets into the thousands of times you've said something and not followed through. And whether it's conscious or probably mostly

subconscious, it's just learning like I can't trust you. I can't listen to you. And so here you are now trying to give me this inspiring speech to get me to do something, but subconsciously I'm, I don't know, there's this warning in my brain going off like you can't believe what this person's saying. That's gigantic. It's not something that a child can articulate in any way, but it is definitely there. So even if you are giving a very inspiring speech.

their subconscious survival brains like, hey, they've said things before, so just be careful. And I know you do this too, and so we have this family culture of not saying things that we're gonna not do. And when, and you know, it doesn't mean it still doesn't happen occasionally, because we will say, oh yeah, we are gonna do this, and we have full intention of doing it, but then something changes and you literally can't do it. And that's really rare. It's rare, but in those situations then, we actually walk

through with our child, okay, let's explain. This is why I can't do it or this is why it happened, you know, and it changed. And so they've learned to trust the whole process because they know even if it doesn't go right or doesn't happen, they understand, yeah, why, they understand why. There's true understanding there. Where I think too often kids don't have that. They just feel lost in this world of I can't control it. And betrayal. And betrayal. And mistrust. And there's been multiple times, that's what I want to say.

Rachel Denning (57:38.511)
share about this multiple times, little ones, I've told them I would wrestle with them or I would jump on the trampoline with them or I would do something and...

Then I got busy, got going, I was tired, exhausted, came home, and they'll say, even like at bedtime, but daddy, you said you would wrestle with us. You said you'd jump on the trampoline with us. And when they do that, I'm like, you're right, I did, let's go. And there were times, like, we were getting ready for bed, I'm like, okay, out to the trampoline, let's go. You're right, I did say that. Or you said you'd wrestle, and I'm like, you'll have to hold my eyelids open while,

we wrestle because I am exhausted but you're right I did say that let's wrestle and so they'll hold me to it and I will follow through that that you know how much you know much of a deposit that is in the relationship bank account when your little one says hey you said you do that and you say yep you're right let's go when you're exhausted

when you could come up with all kinds of excuses, you just say, yeah, you're right, let's do it. Then they're like, hey, and this isn't conscious, it's subconscious. Oh, I can trust you. When you say something, I can trust you. And talking about stacking, I mean, that stacks over time. So by the time they're teenagers, which are teenagers now, I mean, our teenagers have complete trust in us. So much so that this is where it plays out. Our 20 -year -old daughter has literally told us that if you...

You don't approve of the person I want to marry, I'm not marrying them. That's how much I trust you. That's huge.

Rachel Denning (59:22.221)
And that plays out in so many aspects. When we ask the kids to say something, or we share a thought or an idea, or give a warning or an invitation, and they listen. Or they ask for our advice. They come to us asking for advice because they trust the advice that we're going to give them. They know that we have their best interests at heart, and that we are going to give them the best advice we can based off of our...

experience and all of that like they believe in that. Which is it's so rare and beautiful how many teens in a very healthy autonomous way genuinely seek out advice and counsel from their parents and listen I've been working for teens with teens for 25 years that is rare and beautiful and awesome but it works that's what we're saying here it works so the inspiration works and

The responsibility is yours. The ownership is yours. Own this. Own every last bit of it. That it is your responsibility to be inspiring.

you and you can totally do it you got it and that's why we do what we do that's why that's why I have the be the man master class in tribe that's why we have the extraordinary family life formula that's why we have the education coaching that's why we have the habits for say it's why we have everything we have you do everything we do we're giving you the tactics the tools the strategies the training and the team to be the inspiration that you perform to be.

seeing that song. Love you guys. Thanks for being here.

Rachel Denning (01:01:13.965)
you