#226 Please Don't Be Offended That I Shared This Episode With You -- Here's Why YOU (and I) Need a Coach

Rachel Denning (00:10.83)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. We are your host, Greg and Rachel Denning. And you, my friend, without even knowing who you are, you're listening, you need coaching. And that is a bold way to start and it might even cause a reaction.

I kind of hope it does. It kind of gets in a reactive state, like, what? Hey, what are you talking about? You don't even know me. What? I think anyone who is that hard -nosed against it won't even hit play on this episode, because they'll just be like, not for me. I don't need a life coach. I got to move along. I had a friend reach out, and she's like, hey, wanted to ask you some questions about my son. He needs a life coach. And kind of put like this.

this little smiley face like, oh, and I turn around and I'm like, everybody needs a life coach. Smiley face like, he needs help. Yep, he needs some help. So he needs a coach. And it's interesting. What it did is I'm glad she reached out. It's fantastic. I'm going to help. But what it revealed to me, reminded me of is like, sometimes we get in this space where we think we don't. And it's really interesting. And here's what I want to say. I don't even think that's a completely accurate statement of we get in this space where we.

think we don't need a life coach. I think most people are in that space. They operate. They operate from a space of, and it's so, it is very interesting to me of I don't need a life coach. I don't need a marriage coach. I don't need a parenting coach. That one comes up a lot. I don't need, it's almost like we're, I don't know why we think that if we need a coach or it's, it's true about personal development in general. If we need personal development, it means,

there's something wrong with us. And in some ways, okay, that's true, because there's something wrong with all of us, right? None of us are perfect. That's great news. There is something wrong with you, and that's great news. Right. None of us have reached our full potential, and yet we tend to operate in this space of that feels threatening and overwhelming to suggest that I need improvement, to suggest that I could be better than I am. And you see this a lot.

Rachel Denning (02:32.686)
You personally see this a lot with your coaching clients, sometimes especially with their spouses. You have a lot of coaching clients who have spouses who can't stand the suggestion of needing personal improvement because that's a threat to their ego and their identity of, well, I'm not good enough the way I am if you think I could improve, or if you think I need some coaching, or you think I should read this personal development book, or listen to this podcast.

What? I'm not good enough the way I am? And on the surface, it seems like arrogance and pride and hubris. Like, I think I'm so great. I don't need a coach. I think it's actually the opposite. I think it's hypersensitivity. Insecurity. Because of insecurity. I think it's born of insecurity. We're so insecure in our own identity and our own worth and value that the suggestion for needing a coach feels very threatening.

And I wanted to contrast it because in sports or music, those are easy examples. We totally, totally get it as a society. Like, hey, you're gonna, let's say you're gonna start playing tennis for the first time in your life. I mean, you'll go goof around, but you're gonna like, I gotta get a coach here, right? I gotta get somebody to teach me. You're gonna join a team. You're gonna have a coach. But you can't even go get on a team without a coach. Exactly. You can't.

You can't go take lessons or learn something without a coach. Same in music, you're gonna hire a tutor. If you decide just to pick up the cello right now, whatever age you are, and say, I'm gonna start learning the cello. Now, you could get on YouTube and start learning some things, which actually that's a form of coaching. But even then, right, you are getting a coach. If you teach yourself, quote unquote, on YouTube, well, you're still getting coaching because you're learning from someone who already knows something. Exactly, but why?

Why in the world do we resist it so much in life and marriage and parenting especially? It's like those are like sacred cows are forbidden. In fact, we even had a conversation with our friends yesterday, like especially in family settings or extended family settings. It's like just absolutely forbidden to bring up any suggestion for improvements, right? Or to point out where you're faltering or failing. Right.

Rachel Denning (04:54.222)
And many of you can relate to that. Like your extended family, like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no. You never touch that one. And again, even with, if you wanted to go get in great shape, right? And you want to get a gym membership, you're likely in a higher personal trainer. Like, hey, show me, show me how to use this equipment here. I don't know how to use it. And tell me what to eat and what to do so I can, you know, make my arms a little firmer and lose a little size around my midsection. We're going to seek out help.

The same has to be true for the most important aspects of life of how you lead your own life and your family. So a return to where I began. You, sir, and you, madam, need a life coach. Well, and I think that there is kind of this stigma, perhaps.

that you know even with our friend here in this comment like well if you need some coaching in life it's because you have problems or you have issues or you haven't figured things out and if you haven't figured it out then you know something's wrong with you you're you're you're failing and and i wonder if it comes from i don't know maybe maybe it's somehow connected to the idea of therapy.

Because previous, you know, coaching is kind of a new, life coaching anyways, is kind of a newer thing. It's not something that's been around. I mean, it has, I think it really has, mentoring has been around forever. Like Aristotle and Socrates, you know? The beginning of time and every great book, every great movie, every great story, the hero has a mentor. Exactly. And, you know, apprenticeship as well. It's been around for a long time, but in the form it is now of life coaching,

It's kind of a newer thing. But before that, I guess there was therapy. And therapy, it did definitely have the stigma that if you needed to get therapy, well, it's because you have problems or you have issues and you can't handle them yourself. And so maybe there's, you know, maybe it's connected somehow where it's carried over that, oh, it's like getting therapy. If you, you know, you have to seek out a life coach because you can't figure life out on your own. And yet,

Rachel Denning (07:17.102)
When you really analyze it, it is, that's such a silly idea. To think... I don't need a tutor to teach me violin. I can do this. To think that as a human being, you're going to have all the answers yourself. You're not. You're just not. You're not going to have all the answers in your marriage. You're not going to have all the answers as a parent.

You're not going to have all the answers as a human who's growing and developing and figuring out how to like manage your emotions and release and overcome toxic emotions and deal with trauma and deal with you know all the crazy neighbors. All of the things of life like you're not necessarily you're not just going to figure it out. You're not just going to know it yourself. You have to seek out guidance.

and mentoring. And that can be, of course, when we're talking about this, that can be in many forms. Listening to this podcast is a form of mentoring and coaching. Yep. So kudos to you for being here and listening. Being that caliber of person. For us, reading books has been a form. Like we have read so many books over the past couple of decades that that has been a form of mentoring and coaching and tutoring.

That in fact, that was for me, I say that was my very first form. Exactly. It's a teenager. That's all I had. Like my parents, we were disconnected as a family and there was a lot of bad examples and stuff. And so I was out. And so really my first coaching and mentoring came from books and their biographies, autobiographies, and then personal development books. And they started literally coaching me. And all they were doing was giving me the tools.

and the techniques and the tactics, the tips, the strategies to figure stuff out and do it better than I was doing it. Or in many cases, introduced me to something I didn't even know existed. I didn't understand it. I would say even in some ways, it was just providing the perspective or paradigm shifts that allowed you to view your own situation and circumstances in a new light. And when you have that perspective, because that's another thing a coach does, is they provide...

Rachel Denning (09:37.102)
a different perspective. They provide a varying perspective and they shine light on your life to say, oh, well, wait a second, actually, your situation isn't so bad or your life is not so bad. Like, let's put this in perspective here. And, you know, that's definitely what books and reading did for both of us is providing this alternate perspective where you then begin to have a lot more, well, gratitude and insight into your own life.

decisions. So I want to I guess right now is as good a time as any. I want to make it very very very clear that not all books are helpful. Not all podcasts are helpful and most certainly not all coaches are helpful and or therapists. In fact I would say that

I think the 80 -20 rule would be very generous to say that 20 % of them are good. And I know this is bold and it's kind of a bold statement here, but I think the vast majority of coaches and therapists, for the most part, they don't know what they're talking about and they're struggling themselves and they kind of just got into it for a profession or whatever and their results speak for themselves.

But then the few who get phenomenal results in a whole life way, like their entire life, oh man, it's worth whatever you can to learn from them. So not all the, again, I gotta emphasize this. If you just go grab an old book, there could be erroneous perspectives or just stupidities and some podcasts are just not worth listening to. And some coaches and therapists are not worth listening to.

And that, I know that we say this, you say it, we say it very delicately, because it can come across as arrogant or, well, I guess arrogant, it can come across as arrogant. But in our own experience, research, and,

Rachel Denning (11:56.558)
It's not like this is just our own opinion. Like Greg and Rachel came up with this, you know. We're tapping into.

the beliefs and teachings of the best of the best. I mean, there are people, like you said, the 80 -20, there are people who are really thriving, and maybe it's 90 -10 or even 95 -5, right? There are people who are truly thriving and succeeding, not just in one area, because the way we define success, success is not success in one area. Success, true success for us, is success in all of the major areas of life.

It doesn't mean success in everything. You don't have to be succeeding at every single thing that you do, but you should be succeeding or improving in the major areas of your life. That's gonna be you as a person, which includes your mental and physical health. That's gonna be your marriage relationship. That's gonna be your parenting relationships, your finances. You should be growing and improving in those areas.

And if you're only succeeding in one of them, money is one of the obvious things that people succeed in at the expense of other relationships or other areas of their life, that's not true success, right? And so you have to be very careful as you're seeking out coaches in your life to find people that you learn from that are

truly succeeding in the major areas of life and not just in one area because it can make them, we like to say lopsided. Well, let me expand on that a little bit because, and again, we're saying this in a way that like, I'll learn from these experts in these fields, right? In that area. If they're phenomenal in that area, I'll learn from them, but I'm always learning cautiously because very often,

Rachel Denning (14:02.158)
When you dive in deep, you're like, ah, there it is. The only way they're able to succeed is because they sacrificed their marriage or their health or their mental state on the altar of success in that area. So they're out there sharing their strategy. Like, this is what I did. This is what you have to do. This is how you get it done. And this is how you succeed. And people, I mean, huge audiences are sitting and listening saying, oh, I'm going to do that without considering.

The exchange rate. Yes, exactly. The full cost in your whole life. So yes, learn from those experts, but then be very cautious and look at the whole life and say, ah, OK, their advice only works at the expense of other really important aspects of life. So I'm not going to listen to them wholly. I mean, I'll listen. I can always I listen and read and understand, but I'm not going to take their advice.

in a complete sense, the whole thing, unless I know that their whole life is also in a great condition. So I won't just embrace and swallow advice from people unless they have the life that I want. Everything, all of it. And I don't know anybody who has. They're very few, let's say that. I don't want this to sound arrogant. I don't know. Like our life is so, so, so good.

So again, I'm learning, I'm learning from everyone. Everyone has something to teach me. I'm not being arrogant or private here. I'm learning constantly. But if I go out looking for someone who has a significantly better life than I do.

It is it is rare but so what we're trying to say because back to this idea of being careful Who you listen to who you get advice from and that includes therapists therapy life coaches is that you have to be looking at their results and this is one of the things where We especially get fired up about it, but it's it's a thing in society people love

Rachel Denning (16:11.63)
the degrees, they love the titles, they love the letters after their name and all these things. And people have said to us, well, you don't have a degree in this, you don't have a degree in that, you know? And we're like, yeah, you're right, we don't. But what we do have - Several years ago, I actually came up with a bunch of cool letters to put after my name. You did? Like, I actually came up with letters that fit for my quote credentials. And I was like, yeah, it was, I actually had a fun time doing it.

Because I'm like, what are the credentials that actually matter? Again, our results are our credentials. And that's what I was going to say. I'm like, yeah, we may not have all of those degrees and that official certifications and whatnot. But we've definitely done similar amounts of research and study. And we most certainly have the results of.

practicing the things that we believe in, teach. And so, ultimately, that's what it comes down to. Because you can go, anyone, any one of us could go out and get a life coaching certification from someone who decided they were gonna give out certifications. Maybe Greg and I will start giving out certifications, right? Well, here you go, your certified. Anyone can do that. I've seen a lot of people doing it. And...

they're doing it to make money. They're like, oh my gosh. Well, that's exactly why they're doing it. But the point is, just because you have a certification in something does not mean you are qualified to be teaching it. What does qualify you is whether or not you are actually living it and getting the results.

So this is one of those things that while we fully believe that everyone needs a life coach, we're also at the same time saying, there's a bunch of bogus life coaches out there. And unfortunately, the same is true with therapy. There are a lot of therapists who need therapy. Because they cannot even manage their own lives and yet they're passing out advice that they've been taught.

Rachel Denning (18:24.11)
through its theory, not actual practice. And they don't live it, they just, it's theoretical. Well, and some of, I think some of the therapy, it's not practical. Like, if you applied it and used it, it doesn't actually play out in the real world, you know? So there's some of that. So we have to be careful. We do need to seek out life coaches. But if you wanted to learn the violin and you went to someone who...

couldn't actually play the violin, but knew they'd read all the books. They'd read all, well, even that, that would be better if someone knew the piano, at least they know music, they know music theory, all that kind of stuff. But if they'd only read about it and never actually played, that's a problem. And I think that too many life coaches are like that. They've read and they've gone through their certification, because you know, they teach them things in these certifications. It's not like that you don't learn something, but learning it.

And actually living it are two different things. Learning it and living it are two very, very different things. And living it in a sustainable way. So anyways, that's our little rant there about going about it the right way. So get that stack of books and the podcasts and the videos and the coaching and work on it. But circling back now to the need for it, I think when...

When we have, like we're in a good, humble state and you just have this honest conversation, even people who are super hyper sensitive about their insecurities or on the other side, people who are extremely arrogant for whatever reason, even they will acknowledge like, when you're having a good conversation, like, well, of course I don't know everything. Of course I don't have it all figured out. You know, of course I don't.

Like marriage and parenting, for example, are so complex. And there's so many situations and circumstances and variables. It's constantly changing. Your children are constantly changing. And just life events and circumstances are constantly changing. So I don't know, even the super sensitive or the super arrogant are going to be like, no, I got it all the time. And when you really slow down, say, well,

Rachel Denning (20:47.79)
How could you be better at this thing? How could you be more optimized? How could you be just a little more dialed in, a little more productive, a little more effective, a little more influential? And that's where we can get into this need and desire for coaching, where you can get tools and strategies and leverage. So your 20 -day challenge is a perfect example of coaching.

because it's starting with just these charts and systems after 20, what, 22 years and home education and traveling all over the world and seven kids. It's just things you put together and like, well, this didn't work at all, or I had this problem and created a solution or found a solution and put it all together. So it starts with just some simple tools and strategies, some systems.

Well, systems and habits basically. It's basically because people, it's like people know what they're, this is one of the problems that we run into a lot, especially with the spouses of coaching clients who think, well, I know what I need to do. And a lot of this, that's true. We know quote unquote, what we're supposed to do. The biggest problem is,

we don't actually do it or we don't actually do it consistently. And so yeah, with like the 28 day challenge, I'm simply helping them, I'm creating a whole system to help them do the things they know they're supposed to do consistently, right? Because when we actually do them, wow, it makes a huge difference. That's what I was going with leverage. Yeah, that's the leverage you have. When you start to do the things you know you should do, it becomes...

Yeah, a lever in your life to raise you up. I think there's two elements. In my experience, and again, we've been able to work with thousands of people across the world. It's knowing how to do it and do it effectively and then actually doing it.

Rachel Denning (23:01.87)
in my experience. And again, there's a small group of people there like I sincerely I don't know what to do. Right, there are. That comes up too. And I'll meet good people, great people. And they're successful in certain areas and I'm like, what about this? Like I genuinely do not know what to do. I just don't know. So that's one of the things. I don't know what to do. Second thing is I know what to do. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to pull it off. Or I got an idea but not how to do it effectively. Because some of you...

or you're doing it, but you're really not doing it very well. And same for me. There's areas in my life where I'm just not doing it well. And so obviously I don't coach in those areas. If there's something I'm like, man, like playing a musical instrument. You will not be coaching anyone on that. 45 years old. And I have to like stop bringing that up because as much as I believe it, I don't do it. I don't play a musical instrument.

And I want to, I love it, but of all the things I work on, I'm like, that always gets me to the bottom of the list, so I don't do it. But learning a language or exercising or like all kinds of other things, right? You get into those things and talk about. So learning how to do it well, and then just actually executing. So some of you, you know what you're supposed to do, you know how to do it, you just don't. And I hear this often too, they're like, well, I don't want to get a coach just to help me do what I already know I'm supposed to do.

And like, well, why aren't you doing it then? Like some of us need a coach simply because you don't do what you know you're supposed to do. Right. That's the only reason. And if, if only for accountability, it's worth it that you have to report daily or weekly and say, this is what I did. And this is what I failed to do. Like that is power, but a great, great coaching will help you.

by asking questions because it's unique for every person. There are common denominators for sure across the board, common denominators, things that everybody needs to do. But beyond that, it's very unique to you. Right. Well, and what I think too, I'm thinking as you're speaking, is that there's also these variables that come up because...

Rachel Denning (25:22.382)
like you said, there are common denominators. We could say, oh, if you want to get in better health and have more energy, here's the common denominators, you know, like drink more water in the morning and, you know, intermittent fasting kind of, but there'd be certain things that we would mention that we've talked about a lot in all of our other podcast episodes. But when you then actually get into the implementation of doing those things, say you actually start doing them, there's always,

something that comes up where you're like, well, this isn't working. Like you said it was gonna work or like I thought it was gonna work and this is happening instead. And that's especially where a coach comes in handy because they can then ask questions or you can ask them questions to help figure out all the little nuances of why the thing is not doing what it's supposed to be doing. Starting with.

Men versus women. That, exactly. And 30 versus 50. Yeah. If we're talking about exercise specifically. Well, no. Well, OK. There's so many variables. Right. OK, here's the common denominator. But oh, you're 45 and you've got five children. And you start work at 6 AM and you're going hard all morning versus oh, you're 35. You have.

two kids or you're 25 with no kids and you can work whenever you want and you get up late or you work night shifts. Like you see all the variables there because Rachel would say this a lot. We'd read all these business books and she'd be like, this does not work for a mother with small children. Like all your ideas are out the window. Right. For years and years I loved reading

productivity books and business books, but my biggest problem, you know, I'd read Stephen R. Covey or Brian Tracy or, you know, all of these things, but my biggest problem and biggest beef was this does not work with a mother with kids. Okay. Like it just doesn't work. And I would get so frustrated and think,

Rachel Denning (27:34.893)
I can't apply this, Brian Tracy. I can't schedule out my day every 15 minutes. It doesn't work like that when you have kids and you have babies waking up. Because toddlers and infants don't give a crap about your schedule. Exactly, right. And so I had to learn how to take all of the things I was learning, which was great advice, it was great strategies, but I had to make them adaptable to my life. And family life, yeah. Family life, right. Exactly. And so that...

That's where the coaching comes in because it adapts the strategies and the techniques and the tactics to your unique situation. Exactly. And your and your or both your desires and your true priorities. Because we could go on and on about, oh man, if your number one priority is earning more money, this, this, this and this. But if.

If you're like, wait a minute, my number one priority actually is my family. And so how, and this is cool. People come to me a lot with this. I want to massively increase my income, but never at the expense of my marriage and my relationship with my children. That's a totally different strategy. And that's where custom coaching comes in and custom coaching from somebody who gets it, you know, with, with family focus and all that stuff, you're like, okay, we have to build a different plan. You have to build a different plan.

I don't want to sacrifice my health or whatever. Yeah, I mean I remember there was more than once in our own personal journey where you and I had a conscious conversation saying we want to grow our business but we are homeschooling our children, well, world schooling our children, traveling the world with them. We're both together all the time staying at home with all of them.

This is the life we want, this is the life we want to prioritize. And so if our business grows slower because of it, if it suffers, you know, so because of that, we're okay with that. Because that's the strategy that matters to us. We don't want to sacrifice the family life and the kids. We don't want to put our kids in school. We don't want to stop traveling. We don't want to, you know, say goodbye every morning and not see each other till the night because we're...

Rachel Denning (29:53.901)
all going our separate ways, we didn't want any of them. Even if that meant we were gonna make more money. We wanted, now that didn't mean we didn't wanna make the money, we did, we just had to find out different ways to make the money that still prioritized that lifestyle we wanted to have. Exactly, so all of our strategies had to work around the lifestyle. The family lifestyle, which was the priority. Exactly. So family lifestyle's in place and we...

We had to get crystal clear about what that meant, what that looked like. Again, there was a whole journey there and you build that framework and now everything else is built around that. And you maintain that standard. Including the income source and the business framework. We built it around the first framework we put in place, which was the family lifestyle. And if it didn't fit, we said no.

We were willing to say no to things that did not fit into that lifestyle. And you know, I'm sure we've shared it before, but there, again, at least twice, if not more, different times when you were offered a high paying job with all the benefits and all the bling bling, and we turned them down. We said no because that was not gonna help us to create and maintain the lifestyle that really mattered to us. Now, that was hard to do.

and we had to scrimp and save and be broke at times because of it. But in the long run, it's paid off because we now have the lifestyle that people envy, of course. It is an amazing life is what I'm trying to say. I'm not denying that in any way. It's incredible. But it was because we were willing to make those sacrifices early on and to build our life, our business, everything around the lifestyle we wanted.

and to customize all of the... It's not that we haven't used traditional principles of success. We have used them. Lots of them. But we have adjusted them to work for the lifestyle that we wanted to have. Right. And that's not easy. It's not. In fact, in our experience, I would say that the saying no to certain strategies or techniques or targets...

Rachel Denning (32:15.149)
is extremely rare because most people, in fact, even, man, because we live and operate in this world, I see it all the time, I hear it all the time, they'll even make those recommendation coaches or mentors or whatever, they'll say, well, it's just for time. Yeah, you gotta make sacrifices, you gotta take risks, you gotta do stuff, and they'll justify or they'll rationalize to try to get a result, and man, almost in,

variably, there's this too heavy of a cost. It's too much, it's too painful. It wrecks the very thing you want most in this effort to try to get what you think you want. It's really crazy. And now that being said, there are times when you do have to...

be off balance a little, but for us, that's limited. It's generally weeks, maybe a month or two at most. Like that's our time limit. If you have to, and this sounds crazy, if you have to work more than eight hours a day for a period of time so we can achieve some goal, we're willing to do that, but we have a time limit on that. That will last.

two weeks to a month, right? This is hilarious. I know, it's so funny. If you have to work. Well, even I don't work full time, right? I haven't for years because because I put my money where my money. I practice what I preach. Like I spend the bulk of my time with my wife and children and our family lifestyle. So that's where I spend my time. I don't spend my time working for money. And so.

If I wanted to do something like that, even then I'm going to put in parameter. I always have. I mean, for the last two, more than two decades, I have never neglected my health. I've never neglected our marriage or our parenting, never neglected my spiritual everything we've done. And we've done some seriously epic stuff. It's never been at the expense of the things that you and I value most period.

Rachel Denning (34:36.557)
So yeah, it hasn't been like going back to business. Business growth hasn't been near what it could be, but that wasn't our priority. And yet the irony is, because even as you're sitting here talking about this, you and I know people personally, we've talked to them, who...

are supposedly making millions of dollars, all of this money, and yet you've talked to them and when you get into it, you ask them all the questions and the breakdowns and oh, well I'm paying this much in advertising and I'm paying this much in this, these people I've hired and I'm paying this much in this and this and this and this. When at the end of the day, they're basically making what we're making, but working.

you know, 12 hours a day or stress. 16 and just grinding. Their family is suffering, their suffering, you know, their health is being sacrificed. And we're like, why? Why would you do that? When ultimately you're making not any more than we're making and we're working half the time and enjoying our life.

Like it just doesn't make sense. And in some ways I think that's kind of our point is that when you learn how to be strategic and you have a clear framework in mind of what you want to create. Now granted, that has not always been the case for us. There were plenty of times where we worked the same amount of hours, which we work now, and made way less. And in fact at times we're broke.

Right. So it doesn't always appear because we desperately needed coaching. Exactly. Right. But as we continue to keep that framework in place of what was most important to us and learn how to optimize around it, right. Optimize the money making around the family lifestyle without sacrificing the family lifestyle. We've learned how to scale that income.

Rachel Denning (36:41.453)
so that we can have the best of both worlds, essentially. And we don't have to work these crazy hours to make quote unquote millions of dollars so that we actually don't, so we actually make what we make now, right? And so to not be misunderstood here, we're not saying that you should live our lifestyle or do what we do. All we're sharing is what has worked for us.

And we knew what kind of lifestyle we wanted. And then we found the strategies to make it happen. So my question to you is, as listeners, do you know what you want most? That's the first step in coaching is figuring out what it is you value the most, what you want the most, what your strategy needs to be to reach your target. So get a vision of your target. Do you know what you want? And then you're like, well, what do I need to do? What do I?

need coaching in, like what specific strategies or areas do I need coaching in? How do I get this thing I want? And hopefully right now, even while you're listening, your mind is quickly grabbing hold of things you desire and areas and aspects you need coaching in and how to get those elements and those pieces, again, customized to you and your unique desires and your unique goals. Like how do you...

How do you pull, I mean, I love this stuff. I love it. And this is what I have been studying and sharing now for like 25 years. Just been devouring voraciously this idea of what I call human peak performance. Holistic optimization. Yeah. Just figuring out what it is I want or you want and helping you do that and then how to get it.

in the most effective ways and then get long lasting results. I think that, you know, probably one of the most common, I don't know if challenge is the right word, but I'll use that, the most common challenge you see is that people, they lack clarity. So like you were just saying here, too many people just don't know what it is they want. They're just not clear about it. They think,

Rachel Denning (39:03.949)
They want to earn more money because they want whatever, a bigger house or a nicer car or just to be able to do more things as a family or to travel or all these things. They think that's what they want, but it's so vague that it's difficult to pursue a vague goal. Like the only way we've been able to achieve any of the things that we have and...

We have a huge list, like I'm not gonna brag, but we really do have a big list of things we've achieved. And the most recent is just, well, moving to Portugal, we're here in our house in Portugal, which that was a dream we pursued, and now we're here. But we just finished six months of full -time travel, like that's a big deal. If you've ever been traveling with a family, you know that that's a ton of work and a ton of money. And...

We just spent six months traveling full time to 17 countries. So, you know, the only way we've been able to do any of those things, and that's just the last year, you know, but we have so much more before that, is because we had absolute clarity on what exactly we were gonna pursue next.

Here's another, gosh, I keep thinking through these single aspects. I'm like, man, if you only got coaching just for that, it would be worth it. And this is one of them. Just to get over vagueness. Yeah. I just did this training with my men's group, the Be The Man Masterclass in Tribe. We talked about clarity. In fact, I'm doing a two -part coaching session with them. We just did part one. And if you had a bow and arrow right now,

And I said, OK, go ahead. Go right now. Just shoot, fire, let go, go. But you had no target. It's in the fog. And you can't. Where do I shoot? And I'm like, just shoot. Go right now. Let that thing go. Just fire. Pull the trigger. Pull the trigger. And you're like, where, where, where, where, where, where? You can't see it. And that's exactly what's happening. And it's with simple things like people come and like, no, I know exactly what I want. I want to be healthier. Great.

Rachel Denning (41:21.965)
What does that even mean? I just, I want to be healthier, I want to fit. What's that? Like give me something you can measure. I want specifics. I'm like, well, I don't know. I'm like, there you go. Like how, how are you going to measure healthier? If you don't know exactly what it is you want, you don't know what to do. And like even with exercise, that's a perfect example because...

If I want to go exercise in the morning, well, one of the problems is I don't know what to do. But if I know, oh, well, I want to strengthen my legs and define my arms.

Well, now I'm specific. Now I know exactly what to look up for coaching on YouTube is defining my arms, right? That's specific. That's clarity. And that helps you actually make progress. But as long as we remain vague and think, because like you were mentioning before, when people, they either they don't know what to do or then they do know what to do, but then they don't execute. Part of the problem is they lack clarity. They can't execute because they don't know exactly.

what to be doing. And so you have to get clear. I want defined arms. I want a six pack. I want to lose weight. When you, well, and then even more specific, how much weight. When you get clear about that, then you can take specific action toward actually achieving that specific goal. I'll do this with my clients. They'll say, I'll lose some weight. Well, how much? Well, I don't know.

Okay, give me your ideal weight. What was your ideal weight? And they're like, oh man back. It was high. Usually the conversation goes like this, like back in high school or college. Oh, I was a college athlete and I'll have 185 shredded. Like boom, there's your ideal weight. Okay, where are you at now? And we know the discrepancy. I'm like, okay, when are you going to be there? Give me a date when you commit. And I usually have them pick an anniversary or a birthday or something that gives them plenty of lead time. Say, okay, now you're going to get to your ideal weight by this date.

Rachel Denning (43:24.333)
here's how we're gonna do it. And then lay out the very specific plan to make it happen. It's incredible. And it works. And it works like a champ. One of the guys in our master class, he was dropping weight like crazy. We went a very specific plan and strategy for what he wanted to do. And he was dropping, dropping, dropping, dropping. And then he had a horrible accident and just destroyed his collarbone in multiple chunks. So they had to put big rods and plates all through it, rebuild the whole thing.

And initially it was like, oh, there goes my health plan, right? There goes, I can't, cause I can't exercise. And as soon as I was like, you know, I told him, Hey, I'm so glad you're okay, that everything's good. Like the first one, the first thing is I knew it was like, do not deviate from your plan. And he's down another nine pounds since the accident. Right? Cause he's sticking to the intermittent fasting and he's tightening things up. He can still do it's customizable. Exactly.

And you helped him stay in the mindset of this can still be done. It doesn't mean I have to give up on my dream just because I faced an obstacle, which is another key aspect of coaching because guess what? Every single time we have pursued something we wanted to do, we have faced obstacles. You are going to face obstacles. That's inevitable. But if you have someone coaching you and helping you, then...

you're able to move through those obstacles, which is actually how you achieve your goal. You won't achieve your goal unless you move through the obstacles. And the best way to move through the obstacles is with someone helping you and coaching you and cheering you on. And the majority of the time obstacles pop up, at least from my observations, they stop people in their tracks. So they're pursuing something, obstacle pops up, one or two of them pop up, and then they stop. Right. And coaching will get you through or around or over the obstacle and to keep pursuing it. Where otherwise,

You're going along, these are going great, and then, oh, but I got sick, or, oh, there's a change in business, oh, this happened, so I just stopped. That's probably the most common story in humanity. And another reason why we have to have coaching. If you got coaching for nothing else but that, it would be worth it. Well, I'm just sitting here and thinking, you know, one of the benefits of our marriage and the relationship that we have is that...

Rachel Denning (45:49.805)
we are each other's coaches, essentially. And it is interesting how it works out, I think. I've noticed that we tend to, I don't know what the word is, I don't know if oscillate is the right word, but it seems that...

When I'm low, you're high and you're able to coach me and like, you know, give me the perspective and the mindset. So I'm like, okay, yeah, we can do this. And then I'm high when you're low and I can do that same thing. I'm like, babe, it's okay, we're gonna do it. We've got this. We're like, we're going, we're doing it, you know? And it's just so fascinating how that works and that we are there coaching each other. Now, that's the ideal, I think, for relationships. Obviously, a lot of them are not there and we...

Can't. Unfortunately, a lot of spouses can't coach each other because of the things we talked about before. Like you can't even bring up that, hey, you could be better at this or you could do this better because it's perceived as an attack or a threat. And that's just so sad to me because I just feel so sad because I know that...

the intention of the spouses who want to help their spouse be better, it's not because they view them as inadequate or view them as less than, it is actually because they love them so much and because they are experiencing such positive effects from personal development and reading and podcasts and coaching that they wanna share it. They wanna share that with their spouse. And it's sad to me that when they try to share it,

they get shut down or attacked in self -defense, essentially. The spouse feels attacked, so they're defending themselves and attacking back. And it doesn't have to be that way, because it can be this beautiful journey that you share together of shared growth and development. And that's one of the best aspects of marriage, I think. I think that's one of the best things about it.

Rachel Denning (47:59.661)
And then you can become each other's coaches. And growing together is one of the best things in life. Yeah, it is. So I guess that's a good reminder. You don't have to be defensive because you're not being attacked. There's no reason to defend yourself if you're not being attacked. And it's good to settle into this place of, yeah, of course I have flaws. Of course I need help. Of course I'm not doing it all.

I get that's the irony is some of the most defensive people will be the same ones that'll be like, oh, I'm failing. I'm doing terrible. I'm just a mess. This is all of this horrible. You're like, yep. Here's something you could do. What are you saying? What do you think? You think I have to do this? And they'll just flip up like that. Just like, no, it's OK. It's OK to just embrace that. And be like, yeah.

I suck. I suck. I want lots of help. Why wouldn't we? I guess that's ultimately the message I want to share is like, why wouldn't we want help? If there are ways to do this more effectively, why in the world would we not want that? Right. And I do understand why people, they don't want to say, I suck. And I never actually say that myself, but.

They don't want to admit that they're not good enough because it feels very frightening. It feels like you're not loving yourself. And that's not what we're saying either. You know, you and I are both very confident in our self -love. We don't have a problem with that.

And so for people that aren't there, that is a challenge. You do need to love yourself. I think we're good at it because we detach it. Well, OK, that's part of it. But what I was going to say is one of the best ways to get at a place where you love yourself is to embrace your own weakness and go seeking for improvement. Because the more you do that, at least in my experience, the more I seek to improve myself, the more I love myself.

Rachel Denning (50:06.317)
Endoubtedly because I'm like I can learn anything I can do anything I'm confident because I know how to Get better at things and when I know how to get better at things. I don't have to feel like I have to know everything Because I know that I can get better at whatever I need or want to get better at and you like yourself because you're doing likeable things right and you're growing improving and celebrating that you like yourself that's something to like about my son and and growth and development

is an act of self love and self respect. Because I respect myself, because I love myself and my family, I'm going to become better. It's just so good. But I think ironically, it becomes this negative cycle where because I am trying to love myself, but I'm uncertain or lacking confidence, then I resist.

improvement because then that just admits my own insecurities and my own faults. And so that continues then to spiral downward into more self -loathing and more incompetence, which I mean that just ends in disaster. All of that is built on a false belief of, well, I should just love myself as I am. Others should love me as I am. Totally fixed mindset, false idea.

that I just should love myself right as I am. And I know. If you love yourself, you actually want to improve. You want to continue to get better. Exactly. I want to clarify quickly, then we'll wrap up. What I meant by detach is.

If, for example, I'm not very good at something, I mean, we could pick anything. Maybe I'm not... Playing an instrument. Good at playing an instrument, or I'm not good at public speaking, or I'm struggling with communication, or...

Rachel Denning (52:05.005)
I have a challenge with time management or whatever. And there actually, there's no such thing as time management. Nobody manages time. You just manage yourself. So you stink it. And your energy levels. Yeah, self -management or energy management, whatever. Just pick your thing. That doesn't have to have anything to do with me and my inherent worth as a being. If I lack self -discipline, it doesn't take away...

my value and worth as a person. I detach that. Not so detached that like, I'm just - You're nihilistic. Fat and slob and schmuck and nothing matters and not a life matter, nobody cares. Like that's totally nihilistic and wrong. But in that like, okay, I can't play the violin. Does that make me an unlovable person? Or a terrible person of little worth?

And so detach those things and say, that's something I do, not something I am. And I'm going to work on those things. And so you keep growing and progressing. But anyways, thanks for listening to this. It's hard to emphasize this element enough. We all need and want guidance, help to become our best selves. Life.

Life is too short to figure it out on your own. You can't. Yeah. There's too much. And it can be so, so good. We meet people constantly and hear stories of so much suffering and so much hurt. And the saddest part is when it's self -inflicted, when it's totally preventable suffering.

And I just think, man, it doesn't have to be that hard. There are tools. There are power tools for that. There's leverage for that. There's ways to prevent that or change that. And some people just persist in the pain. Well, it's even sad for me because, you know, we're obviously not clueless to things that are going on in the world, specifically Ukraine and the refugees and, you know, those types of things. And we've heard...

Rachel Denning (54:21.613)
personally from people who are experiencing horrific trauma and tragedy and It is just heart -wrenching and sad and there's so much that's outside of their control, right? But ultimately for me what at least gives me peace and hope is that there are still things within your control and one of well, I mean these have been our favorite books for a long time, but I think these

these books are life -changing things like uh... man start for me to get a franco victor frankel and uh... the hiding place by court and then and uh... that the gift and the choice by either here i mean these for people who have experienced these are people who have experienced real tragedy real suffering real heartache like more than many of us will ever know

more than I've ever known for sure. And yet their message is this message, like you still have a choice. You still have power. You still can be the master of your fate. And so the saddest part to me is when people reject even those ideas, you know, they think that they're in so much suffering. I even, someone reached out to me recently.

in my email and told me about someone they know personally that's a refugee from Ukraine and they've had so many people they know personally die in the war and you know so much sadness and I recommended these books I'm like she needs these books because they will help her and the response was just like oh she doesn't read and I just felt I literally felt heartbroken because I get it you know some people just don't read but

If this is something that, you know, we like to call it bibliotherapy. This is a type of therapy that will heal you. It will change your life. It will heal wounds. And we need it. Essentially, it is another form of coaching to be coached by someone who lived in a concentration camp and went through those horrific experiences. That can teach us, that can heal us, that can...

Rachel Denning (56:46.861)
mentor and guide us to find peace in our own lives. And we need to seek that out. We can't just discount it. And especially in today's age when, fine, you don't read, listen to it on Audible or watch it on YouTube. I guarantee there's someone reading the book on YouTube. Like there's so many other sources to just discount it and continue to live in suffering. We don't have to do that. We can heal and we can.

have hope and we can move forward to actually create a life that we want to live. So awesome. So awesome. So get the books. We both have recommended book lists. Keep listening to this podcast. Thanks for listening. It says a lot about you that you're here even engaged in this conversation. And ladies, join Rachel's 20 day challenge.

It's phenomenal. And gentlemen, join the Be The Man Masterclass and drive. Get in there with us. Get the coaching. Get the strategies, the tools, the tactics. And then I have one opening for personal one -on -one coaching, if that's where you want to go. But whatever you do, just commit. Commit to invest in yourself and in your family and in your future.

and then getting the mentoring and the coaching and the guidance. So I think ultimately this is what it's most about that you can tap into your potential. That's dormant. Like you have so much power and so much potential way more than probably you realize. And it's just, it's just sitting there on the table waiting for you to pick it up and put it to use in your life. And you'll be able to do.

genuinely extraordinary things. If you can tap into that, make it happen. And coaching is one of the most effective ways to unlock that potential and to go be the very best version of yourself. Okay. Love you guys. Reach out for it.