#230 How to Handle the Stress & Pressure of Family Life and to Move Into Higher Level Emotions

Rachel Denning (00:10.926)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the extraordinary family live podcast. We are your host, Greg and Rachel Benning. And we are just sitting here laughing and crying and having a fun little conversation with amongst ourselves and just talking about life and all the stuff and things of life.

Man, you guys know this. Life is this big, crazy adventure. It really is. It's wild. An adventure? Well, and maybe that's important right there. How would you define life, listener? What do you call it? What do you think life is? Is life an endurance event? Is life just suffering? A mess? Is life just a dumpster fire? A dumpster fire. Right?

And some of you are like, my life's a dumpster fire. But like, what is life? And I think how you choose to see that, how you choose to find it determines in so many ways how your life actually is. Like, what is life? Is it a journey? Is it a trial? I mean, so like that was the culture I grew up in. Life is a trial. You're here to endure, suffer. Like, man, I think life's...

Absolutely fantastic. It's amazing. Well, I didn't think that at the time. No, no, I grew up in the life is a trial. So boy, I lived it out perfectly. I was like, life's a trial. And I made, like I, so I made my life a trial. Oh, I lived it. I was like, oh, if life's a trial, I'm going all in. And it was, my life was a horrible trial. And finally I'm like, wait, why am I doing this to myself? Isn't that amazing? You can choose to not participate anymore.

If you grew up and were told like life sucks, then you die, that's how I grew up, that's how I was raised, or life's a trial, or life's horrible, everyone's out to get you. It's just, you have to endure. You can just decide, you can just choose to stop participating in that. No, you don't have to, you're here to endure, you're here to live life and enjoy, have a great time.

Rachel Denning (02:29.518)
and become your very best self. Not have a great time as in nothing matters, don't care, don't live on purpose. Eat, drink and be merry. Yeah, eat, drink and be merry. It's not that. It's no, let's do the right things, do the hard things and have a blast of a time doing them. Well, I guess that's why life is an adventure can be inaccurate.

Because adventures are hard. Adventures are hard. We took our kids out.

two days ago paddle boarding here in Portugal and this is a perfect example. Yeah, it is a perfect example because we went out to have a good time to have fun, right? And you think having fun is going to be fun and easy. Oh yeah. Well, and I remember thinking through this while Rachel's going to give some of the details here, but I remember thinking through like, Oh, this is going to be just this easy little joy ride. Right? Like this is wow. This is going to be just play. Right. So we went out with

that expectation and at first it was like that but we went exploring far and through all these little estuaries and swampy areas and you know there's crabs and everything and we have four paddle boards with our family and then we got out to kind of the ocean essentially and then simultaneously the wind picked up big time and started blowing me off to Spain and I could not for the life of me turn around like literally

the life of me, I could not turn around. So I'm facing towards Spain, paddling, trying to turn around as hard as I can, and I'm just getting further away. Like I was not at all making progress. And I had Sondrean on my board and Aliyah had Sage, and it was all we could do to move forward a little bit. Because we had to go, in order to go back to where we launched,

Rachel Denning (04:24.91)
it was into the headwind and the wind had picked up. So there's winds and there's waves and we were just paddling and paddling as hard as we could just to move forward. And I kept looking back and there goes Rachel just being carried off into the distance. So we finally, we had to stop. You and Atlas.

our oldest son at the time, right now that's with us, still home, he's 12, had to come out and save me and basically swim me back. As much as Rachel paddled, she just kept going in circles and kept drifting away. It wasn't circles, I was going the wrong way, is what I was doing. Okay, in circles. So you pulled me back, then there was this little teeny island that we all took a break on and laid in the sun. Which is amazing. And then we had to go back all the way into the wind.

And it was a strong headwind the entire way back. Right. And so what turned out to be... So the only thing that actually worked... Our little three hour tour. Exactly. You guys catch the Gilligan's Islands reference there. The only thing that actually got us back was not paddle boarding because that was not working. In fact, especially for me when I was standing on the pad... I was just a sail that was helping me go the wrong way. But...

Like for me, our 12 year old son got out and he pushed me walking in the sand, the marshy, it wasn't even sand, marshy mud. It was that awesome stuff that squishes through your toes and you're like, oh please don't have any foul diseases. Or crabs. And he pushed me all the way back, towing his board and you had to do the same thing. Well then we got to the deep part again, he had to swim, he just swam the whole way in. He swam. That was amazing, that was impressive. And so as I was thinking about it, I was like, this isn't the kind of

that you go out thinking this is what we're gonna do because when you think about it you're like no that sucks I don't want to go do that that's lame I'd rather stay home especially for a 12 year old who he would rather stay home in fact he didn't want to go paddle boarding he wanted to stay home yeah he had a blast and did hard things well this is what I was thinking about at the time while I was sitting on my board and he was swimming you back he was swimming me back I was trying to help with my little paddle but I knew it wasn't doing that much and I kept

Rachel Denning (06:37.616)
I'm like, do you want me to get out and get in and, you know, like help you swim? He was like, no, stay there. And he had this real sense of like, chivalry and necessity. Like I needed him. I really did. He knew I would not make it back without him. And he loved that. Like I could, despite the fact that it was hard and I knew it was hard. He loved it. He and I had a moment.

where he's like, Dad, let me go. I'm like, no, I got it. He's like, Dad, let me go. And I'm like, I am not taking this away from him. And so I took his board. And he wanted it. And he took it. And he loved it. And so that right there, that is adventure. And that's what life can and should be like, where you go out expecting to have a good, fun time. You end up having a hard time. But it's a time that actually transforms you. And it's the whole hero's journey thing.

it memorable. That's what we remember. We're gonna remember this because of the headwind. Right. Because of the challenge. I mean it was cool otherwise. It was very cool. But that headwind getting back, oh man. That's what I love about nature in the wilderness is... It forces it upon you. Because if you want to go back to your car ever and then go back to home... If we didn't want to just go to Spain, which none of us did. You've got to eat that suck sandwich if you want to go back home. That's why I love, love, love nature. Because the way out, like you do a loop hike or whatever, the way out...

You're like, this is great. Everything's fantastic. And you get to the halfway point, you're like, I'm exhausted. I want to be done. But you can't. You cannot be done.

Unless you plan to live there. You gotta make your way back. And that's where you have to push all your limits. You have to do things you don't want to do. You wouldn't choose to do. You'd rather not do, but you have to. Because you're out there. Because, interestingly enough, I mean, you're actually... It goes in line with human nature in some ways, because you're actually choosing the easier route. It's hard, but it's easier than the alternative. It's easier than starving to death in the woods or hunting your own food, right? Because that's...

Rachel Denning (08:43.024)
what would happen if you chose not to do it. Like, oh, I don't want to go back. It's too hard. Well, okay, you get to stay here and try and build a shelter and get your own food and see how that goes tonight. So we are actually choosing the easier option, but it's still a really hard option. That's why it's so fascinating. It's beautiful. So you get again, you get to choose what it is. And today our topic is, is a form, probably one of the most common forms of self -sabotage we see, but it fits right into this. We, we make things harder than they need to be or by making

poor choices or neglecting things, we turn it into just a rotten miserable situation where maybe suffering is required but misery is optional. I've heard somebody say that, right? You don't have to be miserable. And when we share all this, not...

Obviously our little paddle boarding experience isn't like we know what it's like to have a hard life Because one day we had to paddle into a headwind like we're running businesses and we're living internationally with our family and we're leading We oh, this is so cool. Yes next week

We're having our first youth retreat. We've done lots of youth treats, but we're first one here in Portugal. So stoked. All these people flying in for that. And then the week after that, we're leading an awesome adventure for families to Scotland. And we're all so stoked. We packed our bags all up, getting all our gear for the Scottish Highlands. It's going to be off the charts. And then had some people more people sign up for Kilimanjaro.

which we're training for that and Aliyah and I are now, we were, I'm just sharing all this fun stuff like we're geeking out. And this is why we moved to Portugal, you guys, so that we have close access. We found like 70 dollar, 70 euro trips, flights to France or Switzerland or Italy or Austria. Oh, some of them were like 35 euros. Oh my gosh. So yeah, so like 70 euros round trip. For two people. Oh, okay, that's awesome. So yeah, 70 euros to get both of us.

Rachel Denning (10:47.022)
to Switzerland so we can practice hiking for your Kilimanjaro trip. For Kilimanjaro. How awesome is that? We're going to take a weekend trip to Switzerland to just take a hike, go hiking so we can train for Kilimanjaro. This is why we're over here. But I thought you were telling people about suffering. You're like, we...

Understand suffering because of our paddle boarding experience. Well, actually we have all these trips coming up we get to go to sports Okay, I totally missed the Where is the suffering part we were talking about? Yeah, we're leaving trips and suffering is the wrong word We're running businesses and we're there's a lot we have to take care of because it's okay. It's not necessarily suffering We're gonna tie this in here. Trust us

But it's stress and pressure, I think is how I would label it. Because you started, and before you got distracted with Kilimanjaro in Switzerland, I was thinking that in my mind, the next two months of our life, we're going to be very busy and doing lots of things.

This comes right after, I mean we spent the past, we've been in Portugal getting settled into our new home base, which is again, been a lot of work. That's not like sitting around doing nothing. That's a lot of work for the past six weeks. And yet no one's going to shed a tear for her. I know, I know, they're not. But this is why I'm not, this is why I'm choosing to not use the word suffering, because it's not suffering. Because it's not at all. It's chosen stress and pressure. And it's Mickey Mouse problems. We chose it, right?

Before that we traveled full -time for six months. Again, that is not suffering, okay? But it is lots of stress and pressure. And no one will be sad for us. This is why I changed the wording here, okay? Because it's not suffering, but it is work.

Rachel Denning (12:53.166)
And I wanted to come back to that in a minute about the amount of work that it is. So, you know, six months of full -time travel, which is 17 countries, it's a lot of like going, packing, unpacking, moving, like there's a lot. I don't know if people can fully comprehend what all of that is. And then we've been here for about six weeks. We've been working nonstop to get settled. Me personally being...

A lot of people don't know this about me, but like I'm kind of a homebody. I'm an introvert, I'm a homebody. I am perfectly happy just staying at home and you know, working on my computer, writing my book, that type of thing. Like I could be completely content. For me, that's where I want to be mentally. But instead, out of necessity, and we've chosen it, we have...

a youth trip coming up, we have then a Scotland trip two days after that, like we have to leave two days after that, so we have to pack for Scotland and prepare for 17 people to come stay at our house. And we get back from Scotland, our kids go to a church youth camp for a week, they come back, we fly to England for a week, we come back, nine days later we fly to the United States for three weeks so that we can apply for our visa.

and at the same time pack up a whole bunch of stuff to ship back to ship to us in Portugal. So it's a lot of things in my mind. Again, not suffering here, right? But it's a lot of pressure. It's a lot of stuff to get done with deadlines. I can literally hear people saying, I know, laughing. Would you like me to call a whambulance for you? Exactly. But the point is,

Rachel Denning (14:38.606)
It is work, is kind of the point. And with the work and the pressure and for me personally with the deadlines, like I'm a person, I don't like deadlines and you know that about me and I think I've probably said it before, I don't like deadlines.

I like it better when things are open -ended, when we have plenty of time, like that's my style. Even when we make travel plans, I'm always planning in plenty of time to get there, you know? I'm like, we're gonna leave for the airport with plenty of time. We're gonna go here with plenty of time. Like, I like having plenty of time. That's my thing. Great can handle, we have 15 minutes, let's do it now. And I'm like, ah! No! You know? That kind of pressure just, it's not that it...

cripples me, although maybe you would say that, it just stresses me. So then I have to say, we have 15 minutes and I have to carry Rachel. Exactly, right. 15 minutes and I'm carrying mom, right? Because the other thing you say about me is that I can't move fast, which is partly true. Like I like to just take my time. I like to just go with my pace. Which part of that is not true? OK, it's true. It's fully true.

Um, you know, that's just my style. And so when I'm faced with deadlines, I have even more pressure. Because not only, I can get things done. Like I feel like I'm very good at managing time, I'm very good at being productive, I'm a very productive person. But for some reason when I have a deadline attached to it,

You give it some kind of meaning. Yeah, I give it some kind of meaning where I now feel like, I don't know if I can accomplish this and get it all done in time because I have a deadline. Right? It's like, oh, I can easily get things done without the deadline. But give me that deadline. And you can get them done by the deadline. Right, or before. Yeah, exactly. But with the deadline, there's some kind of meaning you've attached to it. And that's what's getting at you. Exactly.

Rachel Denning (16:46.926)
And so we're discussing all of this because we realize that obviously I'm not the only one who does this type of thing and like you were mentioning before it is a type of self -sabotage where you give meaning to things in a way that instead of having it help you accomplish what you need to do it actually, okay, it does cripple you and prevent you from...

making the progress you need to make. And a lot of people I think are doing this in a lot of ways. In fact, I mean I know that they are because that's why, that's why I think people don't achieve more in their life, in their lives, because they get crippled by the pressure and the deadlines. Or whatever else, the distractions, the disturbances. All you need is a little bit of a disturbance in your force and it...

Undoes, you know kind of best -case scenario and does your productivity and your your peace of mind? But worst case scenario it cripples you like you say I I heard Yesterday when I was speaking with someone they were talking about how a family member of theirs when when something went off This family member would just crawl into bed and stay there for a week or more because one event

Disturbed them upset them and so they literally shut down physically mentally emotionally socially all of it and and when you describe the scenario, it's like that's not even It doesn't even show up. It doesn't register on like that's horrible. It was like really that Crippled you for a week in bed

But that's the point. Right. That's what we're talking about. Well, there's a couple things there. One, in some ways that makes me feel better because that's definitely not what I'm doing.

Rachel Denning (18:47.277)
Two, though I also can understand, and I think mentally and emotionally what's happening is it's probably not just that one thing, but it's probably the straw that breaks the camel's back, and it's all these other things that have been building. Emotional stacking. Yeah. 100%. Emotional stacking. It's emotional stacking all the way, and in this case I understand more of it, it's all the way back from childhood. Right. Yeah. Which is, yeah, super powerful to realize that because when you don't take care of your

of those emotional stacks, when you don't handle and process those things as they come along, then yeah, they do just build and build and build until something happens and it does crush you mentally and emotionally. And this is, that's a perfect lead in, that's exactly what we're talking about today. Right. And so, and so then on the other side of it, you know, when I'm talking about, I'm feeling all this pressure and I'm, I use the word crippled.

but really that's not accurate. You know, I cry. I am a little harsher with the kids than I like to be. And for me that really disturbs me because I try to live at this higher standard that for most part I can maintain, I feel, you know. And I think that this has given me... You can. I want to make sure that... Yeah, that was heard. You do a great job. I think that this is helping me see this insight that...

I think one of the reasons I have been able to do that is because I do, I have been very intentional, at least for the past decade or so, to process things as they come. So while it might bother me, and I don't know if it bothers you, you're too nice to say if it bothers you, you know, when I cry and I have to talk through things and have to cycle analyze me and try to figure out why I'm crying and what caused it and all that.

And sometimes I find that annoying. As a productive person, I'm like, I don't want to spend time doing this. This is annoying. And yet, I think that is really helpful because it avoids me having a major breakdown or meltdown like that. Yeah, there have been times when I've gotten so upset. I have climbed into bed and I've laid there for 30 minutes and then I'm like, okay, I'm gonna get up and keep going, right? That's my thing. I'll take a break.

Rachel Denning (21:10.221)
but I could never ever see myself at that point where I would spend a week in bed. I think the reason why is because I process as I go. Emotional stacking is still what causes me to cry over something, right? Like this morning, I was crying because we have all these guests coming and I'm trying to get everything ready and da da. You know, there's like 10 ,000 things I'm trying to do and I cry. That's an emotional stack.

But I don't allow that to build up day after day and week after week and month after month and year after year. So relatively speaking, your stack is quite small. Exactly. Relatively, it is very small. And so it's a lot easier, even though it can still be complicated and challenging, it's a lot easier to dig through and sort out than it is if I'm trying to go all the way back to my childhood. Which we did just a moment ago.

Okay so I can still... Talking about cartwheels. Yeah, talking about cartwheels. Okay so because as we were discussing this and I was you know this is I guess we just need to walk through what we do like this is what we do with ourselves in our daily life. I woke up let's go back to the beginning I woke up recording a movie now one of our favorite movies and I felt fine.

I haven't slept great because we've again we moved to a foreign country the beds are not the best I'm missing my bed that's back in storage in Utah and so none of us have been in Georgia sorry, Georgia none of us have been sleeping phenomenally well but it was decent it wasn't bad. We're not on the ground. We're not on the ground exactly we're not in a concentration camp we're not on the ground.

My plan was I have a busy week coming. I'm going to be very productive today. I'm going to do all these things, do, do, do, do, do, do. And before I even got to my morning routine, our dog was barking, our little puppy. So we have this cute little puppy. He is adorable. I don't know. He doesn't usually bark. I don't know where this guy, yeah, he's not a barker. The pool guy came. That was why. Well, but he's, I don't know where this came from. He wakes up as soon as he comes in the consciousness, he just does one little bark.

Rachel Denning (23:26.895)
Well that that wasn't even that didn't even bother me. And I'm like, I don't know why it's so it's cute but you're like why did you do that? Because he does it early. He wakes up early and he just goes ruff. You're like I'm awake now. What? Like the doors open walk out dude. Like go. So point being the rest of the house is sleeping and in my mind when the rest of the house is sleeping you can be productive. I can be productive.

If he's barking, because it wasn't one bark, he's sitting out there barking multiple times at the pool guy. And so I'm like, he's going to be waking people up and that means I can't be productive. So it begins this spiral for me of lots of pressure, lots of deadlines, interruption to that. So I begin to go in this mode of, ah, I'm not going to be able to get everything done that I had planned to get done today.

We understand how ridiculous this sounds that our adorable puppy and our pool guy. But we're just walking through it and we're using of course our own lives because what else do we have to use? We can only use our own lives. And I want to illustrate that... We'll gratefully use your life if you want to share.

illustrate that I guess that it still happens. Absolutely. It still happens. You know, I still will get stressed to the point of crying and it's instigated by some seemingly small and stupid things like the dog barking, right? So anyways,

He eventually then did wake up one of our smaller daughters and then I went out to tell Greg and complained about the dog waking up the daughters. He said, don't worry, I'll take them. Go to your little getaway and do your writing and work on your stuff that you need to work on. So I went and did that. But then here's the other problem. And I think moms can relate with this. As I'm walking through our house and then into our little, we have like a little attached apartment that's for guests and stuff and that's where I go do my writing.

Rachel Denning (25:26.157)
mentally I'm looking at all the things I need to get done?

today or tomorrow or this week before everybody comes. So that's another thing because all those things begin to stack or open tabs we like to call it. So I'm opening all these tabs. So I'm not just going to have this nice peaceful relaxing work experience that I want to have. I'm opening all these tabs so now I've got all these browsers running memory and I'm walking and saying oh that drawer needs to be clean. It's got mold. This has to, we got to fix that and sweep under there and clean it. We have to make up the bed. We have to put sheets on. We've got to,

to all of these things, of things I have to get done. Now, I manage to be able to put that aside for the time being to focus on what I needed to get done and I did that. And I made progress on what I needed to get done. And then I was tempted to just continue working for who knows how long, but I made the decision to go back and honor my...

family time, which, because that's, you know, that's next to my day. But what happened was because I already had all these open tabs of things I needed to get done, I wanted to have a very productive and efficient morning time. Like, we're going to quickly do the morning time and then we're going to get to work on the stuff that needs to get done. Well, I didn't have cooperation in that.

Well, because I had started a project. Well, you had started another project. That was one of the things. And it turned into a way bigger project than I anticipated. Again, because it has to get done. Yep, it's got to get done. So I start working on it. I'm like, I'll do this real quick. And it took a lot longer. And then I needed everyone's help to finish it. So we all had to come together. I kind of, without knowing it, sabotaged the time of the morning devotional. Then I had to take my daughter to volleyball. So then you had to leave. Yep.

Rachel Denning (27:09.901)
And then she was so... And then that's when I broke into tears. She was like... Not because you left, but... In heaven this morning, like, finally playing sand volleyball. Like, she was just giddy out of her mind. Yes, she was so happy about it. And she was playing with the guys this morning. And they were hustling. And she was just like... She finally got in the car like an hour after I went over there. And she's like, hi.

love bowling ball so much. But wait, that, that, because you had to leave the first time to take her. And then you came back and then you had to leave again to go pick her up and then the piano guys came to deliver the piano. So it's all of these things that are happening. So after you left the first time is when I cried the first time. And I cried because I was trying to get cooperation from the three youngest children that are at home, because I've got, again, quote unquote, all these things to do.

and they aren't cooperating because they have the things they want to do which are not the same goals as mine today. They don't understand. They don't know that I have a deadline. They don't know that all of these things have to get done in order for all of the people that are coming. They don't realize so they're in their same normal routines of like well this is what I do in the morning. And my already increased...

This is so important, because like the little, little ones, you're like, oh, we have all this stuff to do because our guests are coming next week. And our little ones are like...

How far away is next week? Exactly. What is it? How many days is that? Right? They're still, the little ones... They don't get it. Yeah, they're abstract ideas and like next week, like what does that even mean? Like what's six days? What does six days mean to a six -year -old? How many times do you go to sleep? Yeah, exactly. And they're trying, they just can't get it. And yet we're processing all this stuff and they're on a different level, which is, this is such an important principle.

Rachel Denning (29:03.405)
Everyone we're interacting with is on a different level, even adults. They're on different levels, they're different spaces, and they follow different rules. But we have all these things going on in our head, and we have all these rules that we want others to abide by our rules, but they don't know our rules. And we want them to get it. We want them to... You want to be able to tell them without having to have this long explanation of just like...

I've got things to get done. We've got to do these things. And when you're in this state, again, I'm comparing it to this state to my, let's say my normal state or my usually desired state. When you're in this more stressed state, you have a harder time articulating these things. And working with people and leading people. Yeah, having more diplomacy with them. Persuasion. Right. Hold on, I've got to tie this to business real quick because this has come up multiple times with my business clients.

they want their employees to care about their business as much as they care about their business. And they're like, why don't you take this more seriously? Why aren't you more effective? Why aren't you more productive? Why don't you want to hustle and tremble? And I'm like, hey, dude, your employees don't stay up late or get up early thinking about your business. They don't lay in bed dreaming about the future of your business. They don't care. It's a job. This is my job. They care about themselves, their life. And

and the job you're offering them is just like part of their life that they have to check that box. Like nobody's waking up first thing in the morning thinking about how to scale your business. You care about your business. And it's an important distinction there. Like people are operating in a totally different sphere and you gotta own what's yours. Which I think also, you know, I think that applies to kids as well because a lot of times...

people might find this offensive, but I view kids as kind of like employees, not that, you know, they're, they're just...

Rachel Denning (30:52.045)
serve me per se, but if you are running your home like a business, you should be treating your children like employees and training them and teaching them and helping them gain a vision of what you're trying to accomplish as a group and a team as opposed to just expecting. I think a lot of parents just think my kids should just know, like they should just be a part of this vision I have. When you're like, no, they're an employee, they don't care. This is your family, not theirs. Don't misunderstand the analogy there.

Our kids aren't employees, but it fits like they're little team members But they don't wake up first thing in the morning and say how can our family in our home reach these? Visions and ideals and goals they wake up was like what's for food and what am I gonna do for play today exactly? So you can't expect your kids to quote get it exactly because they don't they're not thinking like you it's normal for them to have their goals so and I know this and I know that the best way and this is what I do most of the time to get them on board

with what I need to do is to present it in an effective way and help them get the vision of it and then enlist their help. Well, I was not in a state to do that, of course, and so then it just becomes ineffective and because it's ineffective, I cry because I know I'm being ineffective and it's not working here, right? And so...

You come back, I'm like, okay, I've been crying. And luckily, you're amazing, and you just are like, okay, what can I do to help? What can I work on? You literally went and completed like three tasks that were on the list, you know, so that helps to relieve some of the burden. And then you just begin, you know, we're trying to explain what we do to then process.

this emotional stacking so that it doesn't continue to build. Because I think in normal circumstances, in normal circumstances and for many people and the way we would have operated say 20 years ago, we don't address it, we just kind of move on. You're like, just deal with it, wife.

Rachel Denning (32:56.877)
Like, get over, you know, whatever. And it's not perfect. No, I'm saying that, like, that's a more normal response of, like, just deal with it. Just handle it. You don't even talk about it per se. You're just like, what's your problem? Why are you so upset? Just whatever, you know. I don't know what people say. Hold up. There's a common response in others that we've observed. Like, I don't do that, but I'm just trying to... No, of course you don't do that. The English language is so confusing. Okay.

people do that and i think that's what people do i think and and and and i was about to say that we used to do that though i don't think you ever did that actually but but we didn't fully understand ourselves and so we didn't

Process and works for all the stacking early on we just were kind of like oh, what's happening here? I don't know Maybe you need some time and I need some time and then we came back together without necessarily having resolved anything or figured out What was the problem and and found a solution for it? It was just kind of like let's ignore it for a little while and then we'll come back when we feel better and everything will be better Which is the strategy people use and it can be helpful, but it never it never ever ever addresses the issue in deeper things it never

addresses the underlying issues. Which you think, well what's the underlying issue in pressure of trying to get a house ready for a guest or whatever? It's not always that. And that's the funny thing about these types of circumstances is that...

You don't always realize it until you dig a little deeper, but sometimes it is connected to things. Sometimes you're like, well, I'm worried about having guests. I'm just making this up. This isn't the case for me. Like, I'm worried about having guests because my mom always had to have the house perfect when guests came over because if you didn't, you were a bad host or something like that. You know, let me give, let me give specific real scenarios. I did that this morning with a coaching client. We impact something like this. Um, it just, it came up.

Rachel Denning (35:00.591)
as we were unpacking like hey why why this recurring behavior where does this come from it happened in the last week it happened probably two or three times where it was a connection to a father's behavior and then then it went back even to interaction with siblings.

And it was really, really powerful and insightful to realize that a recurring negative behavior that's having negative consequences came from just something that was just automatically learned, just unconsciously picked up from a father's behavior. Now it's way better in both cases. It's way better than the father's behavior, but still there. Right. And they're like, no, this, this is holding my family back. I'm not being my best self and it's not bringing the consequences and it's not something I want to pass on to my

children even though it significantly improved one generation down. But we realized and in both these scenarios it kind of came up like oh wow like I unconsciously picked that up from my dad.

And so then this deliberate consciousness of like, where does this come from? Why am I doing it? And what do I do about it? How do I address this issue so it's no longer an issue in my life? Exactly. Which is the reason why we do this process and we go through this effort because in my mind and your mind, if I'm crying about something like getting the house ready for guests, there's a reason for that.

It's not just happening just because, there's something there. And so, our goal is to figure out what. And like you said, sometimes it might just be, oh, you're feeling the pressure, you just need to change your state, you move on, and you're fine. No big deal. Or.

Rachel Denning (36:54.157)
it could be connected to something like, oh, you're worried about what that means if the house isn't ready when guests come. Like, what does that mean, and why is it significant, and why would it make you cry type thing. So that's why we go through the process because ultimately it's helping you to resolve all these underlying issues.

and to remove some of this emotional stacking so that in a normal week, in a normal day, you can move through it without collapsing or crying or...

you know being crushed by life's demands right that's the goal the goal is to be able to operate at your best to be optimized for productivity and interaction and being able to have diplomacy and influence with your children and being able to function and get all the things done you need to get done but that can only really happen if you remove all this crap that's in the way

Otherwise, if you don't, and this is something I really want to emphasize today, if you don't address these things, you just keep getting knocked out of the game. They don't go away. No, they don't. They don't. And they have a consequence. Always. They have a cost. Mentally, emotionally, it's like...

I love using the browser analogy, right? Because when you open up all of these tabs in your browser and all of these programs on your computer, they all have a cost. You can't have them open without them doing something.

Rachel Denning (38:24.461)
in the background on your computer. They're using, I don't even know the technical terms, but they're using memory or whatever in the computer. And so they have a cost. And the same thing is happening with us. Like everything is having a mental, emotional, spiritual, social cost. And so we have to address them and get those programs closed down or update the apps or close some tabs. All of that has to happen so that we can...

better function and do the things we need to do. And this, this is one of the most common forms of self -sabotage that we see week in and week out is that most of us aren't systematically proactively addressing the issues. Right. And, and most of what we're talking about, right, so far has been like internal issues, which they're just as important as external issues.

But in our observation, it's rare that individuals and couples and families are addressing either external or internal issues. It's incredible. And they'll either be unconscious of it, they don't know what the problem is, so they don't really address it, or they're totally aware that it's this thing.

And they just keep putting off, they procrastinate, they don't address it. And so it stays a problem until it becomes a worse problem. Whether it's like, yeah, I know there's been this noise in the car, the car's making a strange noise, I really should get it fixed, I really should have someone check that out. Every time you get in the car, you're like, I gotta figure that out, I gotta figure that out. Or, ah, the tire looks off, what's going on? And they don't address it. And so that's actually the perfect analogy. Because you're going down and then all of a sudden the tire comes off on the freeway.

and it either is a terrible accident or hits another car or you break down. Now you've got, you know, and you put it off because I don't have the time, I'm too busy, I don't know, whatever. And so you put it off something that maybe would have taken you an hour.

Rachel Denning (40:27.981)
and you pay for it with massive repairs and money and all this stuff because it could have been prevented. The oil change, you saw the oil light come on, you know you needed oil change, you didn't and your engine seizes up. But that happens at home. You know that the closet needed to be organized or cleaned or the fridge needed to be cleaned out or you could have weeded the garden when you saw those weeds just coming up.

But now your garden is so overgrown, you literally can't pull weeds. You got to start over with a tractor because it's so overgrown. And this is exactly what's happening in our relationships, in our mind, with our emotions, in our interactions with our children. Like the same exact thing is happening. We notice these little things.

Like, oh, this kid did that. Or keep, this kid keeps saying things like that. I'm noticing his pattern. And this one, that one breaks my heart. Marriage and kids. Yeah, my wife keeps saying this or my husband keeps doing this. And I'm like, Hey, that's, that's a sign. That's a sign. Yeah. Red flag there warning light that needs to be addressed. And you're like, yeah, you're right. It needs to be addressed.

days pass, weeks pass, months pass. I'm like, hey, did you address the issue? No, I need to. I really got to do something about that. And they don't.

And we've seen, well we've seen both sides of this. We've seen parents that address it immediately and address it well totally change the course of the child's life, the relationship, the family or the marriage. And we've seen the opposite. We've seen where they're like, yeah, I should, I should, I need to, I'm going to get to that, I will, and they don't. And it turns into an absolute disaster. Yeah, I think some of the saddest are you've had people who will contact you and say, this is what my kid's doing, or whatever it is. I caught them with video games, I caught them with porn, I caught them with

Rachel Denning (42:30.543)
whatever. Drugs, alcohol, self -harming. And you say something like, that's a sign, here's what you need to do, do these things. And they're like, okay, yeah, I need to do that. And they see it, they're like, yes, that's great, oh my goodness, wow, what an insight, yep, that will make a difference, oh, you're right, he said that, she's done that, oh yes. And then months will pass, and you hear nothing, and then they reach out again and they're like, our child just tried to commit suicide. Or my child's in jail.

Or they just got someone pregnant. Or we found them overdosed. We're like, yeah, you recognized there was a problem. You saw the signs. And you didn't take action to address it. And I guess ultimately that's what we're talking about. We're using my silly little example today of me crying in tears to show you how we do this on a daily basis. When it happens,

We address it. We were literally sitting here talking about it, psychoanalyzing me, before we got on, to show you how we walk through this. And we do this not because we like it or because we have nothing better to do with our time, because that's clearly not true. We have tons we could be doing.

We do it because we know it works, because it's effective, because it helps us to find the source of the issues and to resolve them at their source instead of allowing things to just build and grow until they're too huge for us to handle. I think that's an important point.

addressing these things is inconvenient. Oh, absolutely. It's a waste of time. But so is dealing with the bigger problem. In fact, even more so, way more so. I'm thinking of divorces, ugly, sad, tragic, admittedly unnecessary divorces that happened because they saw the red flags early on, knew they should do something about it and didn't. Right.

Rachel Denning (44:41.133)
They kept going on, they're like, no, it's okay. Thinking the spouse will tolerate it a little longer or always. Thinking that it'll go away, it'll resolve itself. It won't. Oh, they haven't, you know, my spouse hasn't brought it up for a while, so maybe it's no longer an issue. It still is. It's still stacked and it'll just be some moment, some breaking point and snap. Right. Well, it makes me think exactly of...

our car. We have this car that we left in Georgia because our son had plans on going back there. Now admittedly, at least from my perspective, I've never been great at taking care of cars. It's always been Greg's job. And we've never been, we haven't been great at teaching this to this son. We have another son who picks it up easily, like he loves it.

taking care of cars and working in cars. This time, not so much. And we didn't make a huge effort to emphasize it. He's been using this car and he drove it to Florida to work, then drove it back to Georgia where we have some stuff and some family, and then started driving back to Florida. Well... We told the story already, but for context, yeah. I think we did, yeah. One of the belts broke. The serpentine belt.

in his late at night he was stranded we were asleep in Portugal couldn't get a hold of us he doesn't know how to do things with cars and it turned into a problem like we're talking about like this was something small and this was I'm explaining this because this was the thinking process I had I never think why did this happen what it's just bad luck no

There was a cause, like there's a reason this happened. So as I thought back through it, I'm like, well, we haven't taught him to take care of cars, so he should have had a checkup, especially if he's doing a road trip, but he didn't, so no wonder it broke down. Like that's why it would break down. So there's a reason it happens, right, and there's a cause, and ultimately, okay, I have responsibility in that cause. I contributed to that by not doing my part to help this child learn that.

Rachel Denning (46:53.165)
you know, or at the very least get something like AAA, right, to help out. And so it's a similar type thing, you know, we, a belt snaps and now you're dealt a problem you have to deal with that's big. And it could have been prevented by small. Yeah, addressing it small would have been a hundred bucks and an hour or two of time where now it's... And you think, oh, I don't have time for that or I don't have the money for that, you know, because that could have been an excuse our son gave if we told him to do that. But...

you do that and pay for it that way, or you pay for it the other way. It's one or the other. And now the car is sitting in the middle of Norway. Not Norway, in the middle of nowhere. In Georgia. In Georgia, in a junkyard. And so the loss is infinitely greater than addressing the smallest. Exactly. That is the point today. That's our message today. Wherever there is a disturbance, an annoyance,

red flag some tears some tears some anger some bitterness some resentment Whatever it is internal or external if it's if it's been there just rubbing you wrong It has to be addressed because stop putting it off because otherwise it will have the consequence So so even this is really cool even the smallest pebble in your shoe if you're out trekking

You're like, that's not a big of a deal. And you don't want to sit down and take your boot off and have everyone wait for you. And you're like, I don't want to unlace the whole thing, the whole hold up for this little, I'm just going to keep hiking. I've done this. And many people have. So they keep going and they keep going and they're like, nah, I'll get it out tonight. And it turns into a hot spot. And you're like, ooh, so I feel it's a little hot. It's a hot spot, but like, I'm going to top it out. I'm good. I'm going to skate call. There's a few more miles. I'm good.

And then at some point it becomes a blister. And then at that point you have problems. Because that blister now immediately filled with pus or it'll rip and then man, then it hurts. So now you got some pain and so you start walking funny. It's on your toe or something. And so you start walking on the side of your foot. Well, then you don't really notice it, but you're hobbling a little bit. You're favoring to avoid the pain on that little blister.

Rachel Denning (49:15.981)
and you either get blisters somewhere else or all of a sudden your knee starts hurting. Your knee, your hip, your ankle starts to hurt. And your packs start to rub along and you're like, oh man, ah. And you're into this and you're multi -day trekking and all of a sudden you're walking down the trail like a zombie and it's starting to hurt everywhere.

And this can quickly turn into lots of blisters or pulled muscle or something's hurting so bad. Now you're really slowing down or you have to stop or worst case scenario, you got to be like rescued or something and pull it because then it just gets so bad. And I've led expeditions, trekking where people end up with like they've got duct tape all over their entire foot because they end up with six blisters or whatever. Like, oh, it's all so much it could be prevented. But that's what's happening.

Internally, externally in our lives and our marriages and our families. At work even. It's all over the place. Starting with just a simple irritating pebble in your shoe. And you don't address it. Right. So ladies and gentlemen, whatever is causing a disturbance, address it. Now you might be listening to this and be like, Whoa, boy, that's...

That's a big list. Where do I start? Yeah. You may have accumulated quite a stack of disturbances. And it's completely normal that that's the case, because unless you have been doing this and addressing it along the way, you are going to have a huge stack, which is why. So the probability is that most of you have a big stack. Right. Which is why I think many people avoid the process is because they feel like it never ends. And maybe in some ways that's true, but I.

I can say it gets better. And easier. It gets better and easier because I don't spend most of my days crying and crumpled and, you know, quote unquote crippled, which is not really accurate. But I don't spend any days crippled. I don't spend any days in bed not being able to do anything or get out of bed. The only time that's happened is when I've had a baby. Right?

Rachel Denning (51:23.533)
But the reason why is not because I'm more special than other people or don't have emotions or don't get upset or don't get stressed or don't cry. I do all of that. But I'm processing it as I go and so I'm able to then get back up and keep going. And keep moving forward and not with this fake happiness but truly free of that crippling emotion. And...

so you may not be able to relate to that to like what i don't i don't get crippled either and i don't see a lot crying and all that how often are you irritated how often are you annoyed how often are you angry upset uh...

distracted by this thing preoccupied by it like whatever it is you think yeah, I think you can see that yeah, how often are you numbing or buffering or Procrastinating yeah, just pick your thing whatever it's having an effect and so it has to be addressed and So powerful I want to share this quote that I came across by Emerson. He says

There's no other way to have peace, I'm kind of paraphrasing, except by the triumph of principles.

I think I could do a whole episode on that quote. It's so profound and so powerful, but it's this, it's this principle here. It's this truth that's packaged for application of addressing the small issues, addressing any annoyance, disturbance, any problem, any red flag and getting really, really deliberate about it.

Rachel Denning (53:08.269)
And if you have a list, and most of you probably do, you're probably, in fact, as you've been listening, you're like, oh man, it's that, it's that, it's that, it's that, it's just something the kids have said or done, or your spouse has said or done, or something you've been feeling and experiencing. And you might be sitting there like Rachel's saying, it's like, man, where do I start? I would say start with, well, start with what's... Right in front of you? Right in front of you. What's hurting the most. I would also maybe make a suggestion, start with what's physical. And...

I do this with my clients, I'm like, you gotta get your body in the right state. Because your body is experiencing all this, and it's often this hindrance.

And I mean, I'm just so, I'm so stoked right now. Two days ago, I got a report from one of the guys in the master class. And then this morning I got one and they both just hit huge physical goals, like massive. Uh, one of them, he, he set a goal to drop a lot of weight and he paid a price to do it. And he said, he got there three days before his goal. He had, he set his own deadline and he broke a number. He wanted to get below a certain number and he broke that number three days before his goal. And it was, it was,

was awesome because he went through this whole journey, the whole hero's journey of like, oh, it's not working. I don't know if I can make it. I need help. This is so hard. And he did it. It was a huge win. And these guys are experiencing health and vitality and energy and fitness and weights that they haven't experienced either ever or since high school or college.

And he's giving them this formula and they're getting their bodies in this condition, which then gives them the energy and the clarity, mental clarity and the vitality to go address these other things. Right. Well, it's really interesting because you said...

Rachel Denning (54:55.533)
start with something physical and actually the first thing I thought of was your physical space. Because that's also another great place to start and maybe that is for more so for moms. I mean definitely your health and vitality is powerful. But if you can start with...

Bringing order and finishing things in your physical space because you mentioned that you know where there's things all around us where oh I should take care of that I need to pay attention to that that's off. That's bothering me start Addressing those things start taking care of those things and we think I don't have time I can't you do because there's going to be a consequence somewhere either mentally and emotionally or actually something in your physical space, you know, like it's going to have a cost and so we can't just

to ignore those things in our space or in our mind, we have to start paying attention and we have to start doing something about them. And while you think, how can I ever do something about all of those things, well you can't, but you can start doing something about some of the things and eventually prioritizing those things so that you're doing the most important things.

that's where you begin to have and gain this power back that just...

freeze you I guess in a way. So true. So whether it's cleaning up your bedroom, your closet, or your kitchen, or your workspace, your desk, whatever it is, just go get it organized. Well that's why Jordan Peterson always says, like, where do you start? You start by cleaning up your room. There really is power in doing that. When you begin to take responsibility for the space around you, it has a power that carries over into the rest of your life. It's huge. I love this stuff.

Rachel Denning (56:44.493)
So begin addressing it. If you need some help or want some help, get into Rachel's 28 -day Challenge program or the Be the Man Masterclass. Get the tools and the strategies. And the reason I say that is because we have habit trackers in there and accountability systems.

And this is why I would say most people struggle to consistently address these issues, is because they don't have a system to do it. They have a system actually not to do it. That's why they haven't been doing it, is because you have a system to not do it. So we set up a system to do it, and you track it, and you write it down, and you say, this is what I'm going to do, and then you have someone hold you accountable. Like, I'm going to do this thing, and I'm going to address it, until you start taking care of it. And let's say you make a list, and you've got...

15 or 25 things, the issues that have been there, little annoyances, and you just start ticking them off one at a time. And at first it seems like, gosh, am I ever gonna make any progress? And you get one, and two, and then three, and pretty soon you look at your list, you're like, I'm down to 11. I start with a big list, and then you get down to six. And then you get down to that point where you're like, I'm.

I've addressed them all or I am addressing them all. And life is so much richer and fuller and more fulfilling, more joyful. And like that quote says, more peaceful. You have true peace because of the triumph of the principles you're living by. It's so good. And that is what I would say is the extraordinary family life.

addressing the issues. It's not a life without issues or not a life without stress or pressure or challenges or even suffering sometimes. But it's a life where you're capable of handling and dealing with those things as they come. And you do so regularly. Exactly. It's awesome. Okay. Love you guys. Thanks for listening. Have a fantastic week. Start addressing something today, right now. Reach out there.