#235 Creating a Family Culture of Stability, Safety, Trust, & Well-Adjusted Family Members

Rachel Denning (00:09.966)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of the Extraordinary Family Live podcast. We are your host, Greg and Rachel Denning. And before.

Rachel Denning (00:25.07)
Don't we rant every time? Yeah, yeah, we do. I don't know what it is. Some days I just feel it. It's in my.

It's in my bloodstream today and I know where it happened. It happened this morning. Ooh, I just get so fired up. In a good way, I'm gonna see it like, ah! And then I have all this passion and drive. I get tons done and just become a force of nature and occasionally like a bull in a china shop. And then Rachel was dealing with some psychotic people. Um.

who are renting our Airbnb. None of you, it's none of you who are listening or are followers. Just craziness and you're like, are you kidding? So that just gets us fired up. And we get, of course we get extremely passionate about the principles and practices that just work. And I'm sure maybe you do this too, where you actually get upset and bothered. I was going to say that actually. And this is...

I don't know if this is one of our weaknesses or strengths. I don't know. But we sincerely get, I would almost say angry at not at people per se, but at situations. We will get angry that people do things that they do that, especially when I feel like they're sabotaging themselves. Yeah. Or their children.

Or their spouse. Like even this silly example here with her, we have a house in Guatemala and we rent it on Airbnb and this woman who's renting it, she's renting it in her name, she's totally being used by this guy because she rented it in her name but she's in Florida and then she lied to us. I'm like, oh I'm on my way, I'm on my way. And now I realize she never had any attention. She was renting it for some dude. She rented it for a month. She never showed up.

Rachel Denning (02:27.246)
Instead her boyfriend went, well, who knows who he is. Well, some guy who's using her and we just get so mad and we're like, why have some confidence, have some belief in yourself, have some standards like, like live a life that's meaningful and don't get used by people. And, and you know, we, we can tell that it's a being used type situation because she's paying for it. He has no Airbnb profile.

Right? He brought stuff and he's trying to sell it to us. Yeah, no income. He's just one of those special people that... And so it's little things like that, but it happens with your coaching clients. It happens with people we come across with, like stories we hear. We just, we really read into things, I think. It's our love to, of psychoanalyzing. And...

And we can see signs, so that's the other thing. Even we were talking about it with our kids this morning during devotional, like some people look at things and they think, oh, yeah, it's not a big deal. But I think because we've been studying people for so long, and we talk to our kids about it, they can pick up on it, our teenagers, we see the signs. And so we can see something that might be seemingly small or insignificant, and we know where it can lead, not where it will lead, because people can change and they can.

you know, alter their course. But we've seen enough of human behavior to know that that thing right there will lead, can lead to this. And so it becomes...

I don't know, interesting but also irritating to us when people continue to.

Rachel Denning (04:13.709)
act in a way that's actually harmful to themselves in the long term. And yeah, we just get fired up. I'm sure you listeners do too, right? You see it, you experience it. I would be interested in knowing that. That's true. But you've seen it, you get irritated when you tell people either consciously or subconsciously, they just continue to wreck their own relationships, ruin their habits, destroy their business.

Like I hear these stories every day, I hear stories like this, like, oh, somebody just because of a temper or because of ego or pride that wreck a relationship, a business, a community, an NGO, you see it all the time, it's like, come on. Well, I think the ones that drive me crazy the most are the, and I always forget the term for it, but it's the,

unconscious incompetence, right? So there's this whole pyramid of competency, I think is what it's called. And at the top you have unconscious competence. That's something like, you know, once you learn how to drive, you're basically unconsciously competent. You can drive almost without thinking about it. But at the very bottom is the total incompetence, but you're unconscious of your incompetence.

You're so incompetent that you're clueless to how incompetent you are. And it's interesting that those are the people who actually think they know the most. And they've, like there's all types of studies about this, they have a term for it, but it's the most unconscious and incompetent people who think they are the most competent people. It's the Dunning -Kruger Effect. Oh, yes, thank you. It's a study they did. With those people at the lowest level, I have more grace for them personally. I'm like, okay, I get...

that you literally, you have no idea. Maybe it was your upbringing, maybe it's experiences, you just don't know. It's the next level up that gets to me, the conscious incompetence. Well, except, no, I think that there's a difference there because I'm thinking specifically of certain people. There's these people who think they know it all. And so their marriage is suffering, their children are a disaster, and yet they think they don't need any help.

Rachel Denning (06:41.901)
and how dare you tell me that I need to improve because I already know, I already get it, I already understand these things and I don't need help from you and I don't need help from anyone else. I don't need a coach, I don't need self help stuff. Sometimes they're so blatant to say, I don't need a coach, I could be a coach. Exactly, and their life is a disaster. Are you kidding me? Those are the ones that drive me crazy, okay?

And I because results don't lie, ladies and gentlemen. Right. If you if you could be a coach, then you're going to have the results. You should have the results. There are too many coaches out there who want to be coaches and get some kind of career have no results to vouch for them. But I could rant about that. Coaching is not a career. Right. It is not a career. This is like, oh, cool. This is a job possibility. No, it's not.

Yeah, it might be after 20 years of you getting real results, then maybe. Okay, well I won't get off on that one. So in my mind, that type of person is not a conscious incompetent. They are unconscious because they think that they know the answers and they don't need help and the fact that they could be a coach. And this is legit. We know people. This was from years ago, I guess. Yeah, a long time ago. But we've met all...

There's multiple people like that that we've met over the years, but that's my point. Those are the ones. And I don't know why. And I've asked myself this many times. I've asked you this. Why do they drive me crazy so much? I don't know. Probably because we've been that person. We definitely have. I know I have. Oh, you kidding me? Maybe having been that person and grown out of it, it's almost despicable. Like, oh, it's so...

Disturbing. It's so disturbing. Because you're literally sabotaging your own happiness. And it's such a deep incongruence. Yeah. And... Well, in what way? Well, like what you want... Yeah. And are professing to be or have... Is so off from your actual behaviors and results. Right. That's what is seen so wrong.

Rachel Denning (09:06.029)
I think that's just in our DNA. It seems so wrong to like, no, like this is what I want and this is what I'm going after. And yet chronically, consistently, we do things that sabotage those results. We actually participate in collusion. Collusion is where I'm creating the very thing I don't want, the very thing I'm trying to avoid. And I'm actually participating wholeheartedly, consistently.

I mean, if I'm consistent in anything, I'm consistent in my own collusion, right? That is infuriating at a soul level. And I think deep down, like people realize that and they despise themselves. They loathe themselves. Right. Because they are loatheable. And not that they're, it's not that they're not lovable, you know, where you are all human beings that have intrinsic value and worth. It's not that, but it's this.

It's this, you're doing things that are detestable. And I get that people get stuck there. They're not sure how to get out of it, but. We've been stuck. Absolutely. The first step to getting unstuck is admitting your own unconscious incompetence. And becoming consciously aware of your incompetence. That's how you move up the pyramid of competence. You have to become.

Consciously aware of your incompetence and say guess what? I don't know I need help right and then you can move into the next level which is Conscious competence and there's something really fascinating about that particularly in our society There tends to be this but it's kind of weird Really in a strange time in the history of the world because some people are just airing all their stuff online. They just

turn on the camera and tell you everything. You're like, too much. But then there's also a place where there is way too much. You're like, no, you share that with somebody that can help you. Not with like just 20 ,000 turn online. Like you just you go live. I've met people, they go live. They turn on their live at three o 'clock in the morning when they're just ugly crying and they tell everybody everything strangers like a form of counseling and therapy for them because one.

Rachel Denning (11:28.557)
seems therapeutic, but there's no actual help. There's no therapy. That's why I'm saying it. It feels like that to them because they don't have anyone else to turn to or talk to. And one, many people learn and process and think by talking, like especially for, well, it's true for men and women, but I think especially for women, they think while talking. And so they're, they're processing information and they don't know who else to turn to.

I'm imagining this is why they do it. And so they turn to Facebook or Instagram. Unbelievable. And you know, it's their way of trying to work through. I don't, well, the examples I know of, they're not working through anything. They're just, just, I don't know. Like I know specific people I've met that they're using it to build a following. Yeah.

I guess it was true. It was bizarre. Anyways, that's not in the name of vulnerable. Yeah. And it was like, Oh, that's so great. You're like, wow, that's not healthy at all. So what I'm talking about is this group that I don't, I don't know why it is. We love to just put up this front, this actually, I think I do know why this we put up a front and a facade, a mask. And we're always like, no, I'm fine. Well, that's the other extreme. How are you doing? I'm fine. How's everything going? It's great.

How's your marriage? Fantastic. When we know really it's struggling. How are the kids? Oh, they're awesome. And we know that they're fighting like cats and dogs. They're like on the verge of total meltdowns. Some of them might even be suicidal or I mean, there's a lot just horrible. So and we still want to say, we're great. We're fantastic. And we want to put up this front to the outside.

It's like those, like Rachel and I, in all of our travels, we've been through some cruise ship towns. And this is kind of our inside thing. We saw some in Mexico, we saw some in the Dominican Republic, we saw them in different places, and the cruise companies come in and they put up this front. So where the port lands, it's just these gorgeous little...

Rachel Denning (13:49.261)
It's the storefront. It's all you see. And it looks amazing. You pull up in the yacht or the cruise ship and you're like, what? This place is awesome. And it's like just perfectly manicured. The sidewalks and streets, it's all painted in beautiful colors and they have little fire hydrants and little gates. And it looks like you've just landed in paradise. And a one street back, two at the most.

is the reality. Right. And it is dirty and filthy. There's no sewage system. There's no garbage system. There's definitely no fire hydrants. There's no infrastructure. Right. And they just put up this front to make it seem like this is great here. And the first time I think we saw that was we were actually living in the Dominican Republic as expats. And one of the nearby towns was a cruise ship stop. And so we lived in the...

We didn't live there, but we lived in the real Dominican Republic. And then you go there and here's this nice, beautiful little and it literally was like this. It's not cardboard, of course, it's wood, this wooden. Front, it's all it is. It's just all this. And behind it was just regular dear. And so that's that to see it in real life and experience it there by living there and seeing it and like, OK, this is a total joke. And then other places in Mexico where, you know, they'd.

It was like a pop -up city. It would pop up for the cruise ship, and then the cruise leaves and it goes back to normal. And when you're there, because we would be there, and we'd see the cruise ship roll out at 5 p .m., and then everyone, back to normal life. And it was like, oh, it was charades. It was just this total facade. It was crazy. Anyways, but we do that as people too. So there's these two extremes. The one is this total open vulnerability.

crying online for thousands of people. Who can't help you. Who can't help you because it's not that there's inherently anything wrong with crying or being open and vulnerable. But the point is you should be that way with someone who can actually help you. I think that was one of the most important lessons I learned early on. Right. Because again, I'm out of my own. I'm trying to figure out how to do life. I remember coming across a book or like we listened to books on tape, cassette tapes.

Rachel Denning (16:13.837)
They were like 16 or 24 tapes and I listened to him and I remember once I think it might have been Brian Tracy or somebody else like don't talk about your health to anybody but your doctor. Don't talk about your problems to anybody that can't help you with your problems. Right. And you're talking about like just don't complain. Don't walk around talking about the bad weather and my bad health and poor finance. Blah, blah, blah. He's like if if.

You have a genuine health concern. Talk about with a health professional that can help you get healthy. That's the only reason you should bring up your poor health. You shouldn't just go around talking about it. I remember for the first time, because I grew up in a family environment, like, I was playing, crying about it, everything, mom, whatever. And this was like, what? That makes perfect sense. See, and then I think that that's where it can become conflicting for people because they think, well, wait, isn't that

putting on the facade. If someone asks you and you're struggling with something, do you just pretend like it's not a problem? And so I understand why people do that because they're trying to find that balance. Where's the healthy place of not crying to everyone or complaining to everyone about my problems, but also just not pretending that it's true. It's true. So the neighbor comes over and says, Hey, how you doing? Well,

Let me tell you, it's really bad. And that's not the place to do that. But I guess it's not, it's not also the place to be like, Oh, everything's fantastic and start saying everything is awesome. Yeah. And so it's okay to say, Oh man, we're really struggling with this right now, but we're talking to this person or we're talking, you know, dealing with the doctor or whatever, but you know, these things are going great. So it's, it's this kind of transparency in that.

you know, you're not pretending everything's fine, but you're also not giving too much to people who can't help you. Exactly. Right. And when somebody comes along who can help, that's when we have to seek help, be humble enough, be hungry enough, hungry for change, hungry for improvement, hungry for results, be humble enough and be hungry enough to say, yeah, this is what's going on. So let's, let's dive in. Yeah. Um,

Rachel Denning (18:40.461)
We're already we're already way in you guys already have your waiters on because it's deep So got an awesome awesome question today from a traveling family and they said how like we're traveling to a new place and Like our kids are struggling to get settled into a new place. It's a new language a new environment new culture they don't know anybody they're trying to make friends like everything's different foods different everything's different and And the question was what you guys have traveled so much been to so many places

How do you help your kids kind of settle into a place to feel like home? It was a genuinely awesome question that we'll answer today. But more important than that is it sparked something for me, and then I shared it with Rachel, about this whole idea of creating environment in your home. Well, no, I won't say home, because you can, it's actually completely location independent.

I want to emphasize this so much. A culture in your family. In your family. It's in your family because it is completely 100 % location independent. Meaning you can take it with you. You can take it anywhere. People think, no, the only way to have stability, the only way to have a solid family is if you stay in one place or move every year or you stay, people come up with all these rules that are absolutely irrelevant and junk.

Because if they were true, everyone who did that, everyone who stayed in one place would have a stable family. Rock solid family results. And they don't. Not everyone who moves has great family and not everyone who stays put. So you look at families that they've been there the entire time, raised their kids in the same home the whole time. And the family is a wreck. And then they're out traveling and family is a wreck. But then also people who are rock solid and have great results.

So it's completely location independent. It doesn't matter where you are. And it's based on these sets of principles rather than on whether you move or don't move. Exactly. So what we want to talk about today is how do you create a safe but thriving actually, okay, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do it throughout a little dichotomy here. It has to be safe and unsafe. It has to be. And we'll get into that because you'll be like,

Rachel Denning (20:57.997)
Why would I want an unsafe environment? Well, because you can't have it be only safe. If it's only safe, that's dangerous. It's naive and extremely dangerous. It can't be just certainty. There has to be a lot of uncertainty, but it can't just be all uncertain either. There's got to be certainty. It can't just be comfortable because some people are like, I got to have my comforts.

If I feel comfortable, then I'm good. But it also has to have a good mix of discomfort because you can't thrive. You can survive, but you can't thrive. And so it's going to create these dichotomies and we got to have this going. And it's, it's really built on principles and practices on systems and strategies that whether you're living on a boat, as some of our clients are, or living in an RV, as some of our other clients are, or you've got a,

huge ranch in the middle of nowhere or an apartment downtown, one of the biggest cities in the world. It really doesn't matter. You have to create a space where you, your spouse and your children can thrive. Now I get so fired up about this because I think mostly because people are not intentional enough about it.

We're not strategic enough about it. We go along, you know, I guess most of it's unconscious. We're just like, well, it'll work out. No, it won't. And then if they become conscious, they're like, well, I hope it works out. And hope is not a strategy. I get so sick of hope it works out. No, man. If you hope anything works out, you're in trouble because hope is not a strategy. So then they're like, well, we'll just we'll just be good people and it'll work out. No, it won't at all.

I don't give a crap how good you are. If you don't have the skills to do specific things, all your goodness is irrelevant. You can be super good and your kids will still turn out really bad. Oh man, here comes the fire. You guys ready for this? You have to. You have a moral obligation. This is non -negotiable. I don't care whether you agree with it or like it. You have to.

Rachel Denning (23:23.981)
be really, really good at several things. Not one or two things. You have to be really good at several things. And each specific area demands specific skills. So it is possible that I could be really good at business, really good at being neighborly, really good at marriage even, and totally suck as a father. It's...

you know, obviously you guys can work through this and play any scenario. I can be a phenomenal father, a just a world -class husband, a pure, true disciple and absolutely suck at business. And in that case, I would be blaming God. Why isn't he blessing my business? It's because you suck at business, man. That's why. Right. Or you suck at fitness and health. Like every one of those demands very good.

Skills in that thing so I don't care how good you are and and how much you love your spouse and kids and and How you know much you're providing and just crushing in the business world if you don't develop the skills to be a world -class spouse your marriage is gonna suffer period and all of those skills like in parenting or a business or health and fitness or spirituality or social skills like they won't help you I mean help a little bit. There's a little crossover

But all your social skills won't fix your marriage. You gotta have marriage skills. And now if people don't know that, it's like, OK, you get a little bit of a pass, but you have the responsibility now to find out. So if you don't know, then your responsibility is to find out. Now if you find out and you don't do it, that's on you. And if you're going along just hoping it works out or hoping things happen or I'm so busy, I was already so overwhelmed or.

You know, I had to grow my business. No, man. No, you, well, and I was about to say you chose to have kids. Maybe you didn't choose to have kids. Maybe you got pregnant, but you chose to have sex and sex produces children. So if you chose to have sex right there at that moment, you have chosen the responsibility, the moral obligation to gain and develop the skills to be a world -class parent. Period. Full stop.

Rachel Denning (25:51.853)
There's no getting around that crap.

I need to take a couple deep breaths here Still love you, but I've got a I love Rachel. I'm talking about you listen. I still love you listener but I got it I've got to be straight with you and Because I love you and because I want you to succeed You have to hear this and realize okay, there are very specific skills I have to work on if I want results in those areas, right?

And of course we have to want good results in several areas because there's no other option. Well, I think the problem is not that people don't want good results. They do. What they don't want is the work required to make them happen. Nobody does. Well, nobody does. But I keep, I may have shared this example before, but I keep sharing it with my kids and stuff. Our daughter who's in the Dominican Republic right now was talking to some people and

and telling about our family and our life and everything and they were like, wow, sounds really amazing, you know, because obviously we've done a lot of cool, amazing things, but they said, it also sounds like a lot of work. And my daughter was kind of like, yeah, of course it's a lot of work, but the alternative is what? What do most people have? And they complain about it too. It's not.

If they were living their best life filled with joy, happiness, abundance, and peace, well then you could say, yeah, you're right. You guys are going to a lot of extra work for nothing, but that's not true. It's obvious to the people who have interacted with us that we have something unique and special. And I say that with a lot of humility and responsibility because I know that it's a big deal and it's something that actually terrifies me sometimes. This huge responsibility that we have.

Rachel Denning (27:49.453)
as a result of the amazing life we have, but it's also taken us a ton of work to get to it and to create it. And I think the biggest problem that we see is that most people just aren't willing to do the work required. In fact, you have spoken with coaching clients who clearly see the path that they should take and then don't take it because it's gonna ruffle feathers. It's gonna make people dislike them. It's going to...

upset their kids, their kids aren't gonna like it. And so instead of taking the more difficult path, which would lead to the results they actually want, they stick with the comfortable and easy path because they don't wanna rock the boat. And the irony is they think it's less effort. And this is anybody who looks at it and is like, ooh, that's a lot of work. I'm gonna take this path over here. They think, they kid themselves that it's less effort. It's not. It's not. You think...

earning an education and becoming wise is hard, try being ignorant. You think becoming wealthy is hard, try being broke. You think a phenomenal marriage and amazing kids is tons of hard work and it is, try having a wrecked family. Try a dysfunctional family. That is absolute misery and suffering. So nobody's getting out of here. Right. There's work either way. You think that eating healthy,

and exercising is hard work, try being unhealthy. And then, and we've seen it time and again, even within our own family. Like the consequence of, in everything, not just, well, in illness, but in everything, the consequence for not making these harder choices is not an easier life. It's worse, it's way worse. It's a harder life. And in fact, that is one of the things that absolutely crushes my soul because I see it,

in my own family too, people deliberately, consciously making choices that seem easier and yet are leading to a harder life. And I just think, if only you knew. Yeah, it may seem harder to do these things, but in the end, it's so much easier. Life is so much better, so much more enjoyable. We literally laugh.

Rachel Denning (30:13.773)
practically laugh and skip through the day. Now that doesn't mean that there's not irritations and frustrations. They happen to everyone. And obstacles. And obstacles. They happen to everyone. But because of the way we live and do life, there are mere bumps in the road. And we skip over them. And we skip over them. Singing and dancing along the way. Sometimes cursing, but you know, then we laugh afterwards. We're like, ah, stupid. You know, our favorite saying.

when we curse is curses in foul language.

Rachel Denning (30:47.853)
But that's the better way. It is the better way. And ultimately, I like the way you said that. Ultimately is actually the easier way. Right. So it's maybe it's hard up front. It is. So it's a little front loaded, harder effort up front and then easier, not easier like you take it off, but like you're like, you become more capable. So carrying the weight, it's still the same way. The weight's still there, but you're like, well, I can handle this because I've grown into it. Right. Where the other path is kind of easier.

Seems easier in front. Right. But man, the suffering on the back end. Yeah. Is brutal. It's kind of like, this is the analogy that just came to my head. Like there's so much fuel and effort required to get a plane off the ground. It's kind of like that. It takes all of that effort, but then man, the flying part is easy compared to you're like, oh, that's too much work. I don't want to do that. I'll just take a car or a walk.

Right? And you think that that's an easier path because you don't have to use all the fuel and energy and effort and everything to get off the ground. But in the end, first of all, you arrive at your destination way later because if you walk to get there, even though it seems easier, it's not. It's going to be way harder. Or if you drive, you've tried driving from LA to New York compared to flying. That's what we're talking about here.

I feel that that right there is the perfect analogy. We're trying to teach you how to get off the ground so you can fly to your destination. It's so much easier. And sometimes it's first class. It's great, right? But even if it's coach seats, it's still way better than driving the whole way or walking the whole way. It'll take you a lifetime to get where you want to go because you're not willing to put in the effort to get off the ground.

Rachel Denning (32:38.701)
Okay. So what must one do?

How does this happen?

Rachel Denning (32:48.621)
First and foremost and always, it's you. It starts with you. It's you. You have to model the way. Well, as I teach in, just a quick interlude, as I teach in my 28 day challenge, there's a pyramid, I like using pyramids, and it's a pyramid of an extraordinary family life. Well, it starts at the bottom with you. You are the foundation. And I actually have three levels for each one, but it's you, then it's marriage, because that's the next part.

You've got to have a great marriage. And then, and if you don't have a marriage, you need a long -term relationship. Like, people with long -term relationships are just happier in life. That's just the science right there. The research is clear on that. People who are in healthy long -term relationships are happier in the long -term than those who are not or who keep switching up relationships. It's just hard on the mental -emotional psyche to be constantly changing.

intimate relationships. So that's the next thing, marriage, then your parenting.

Then your family culture, which we're actually talking about that today. So don't forget that it requires all of these other pieces to build that up. Exactly. Which is a key point that I want to come back to. And then your finances. Which also fits into that whole family culture. So it's all those things. And then the finances are especially important, even though I don't think that comparatively they're small and at the top, because they're at the top.

they kind of cap off everything and they help you to fulfill. Because if you look at the Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the very top is self -actualization, where you have a purpose and a mission you fulfill. Money, finances definitely help you to fulfill that mission and role. So that's why it's there. And finances are important, but especially in Western civilization, we put finances first.

Rachel Denning (34:53.517)
To the neglect of self, to the neglect of health, to the neglect of marriage, to the neglect of children, to the neglect of family culture. That all gets set aside as finances. Like, you've got to focus on the finances. Working at the job or the career. Too much, focus too much, stress too much, you give your best years, your creative power, your energy, whatever. It's all that. And so all that stuff gets neglected. Now, if you're like, well, I'm not going to focus on finances.

and you focus on those other things, but then you're broke? Like try raising a family on broke. We did that for a while, it doesn't work. And it still created a great foundation for us, but we were limited until we could fit in the financial piece. It limits your growth and development. And we deliberately chose to step away from the financial course. Or to have it be slower anyways. And it was, so. And I think it worked out great. Yeah, it was beautiful. So.

Again, it has to be you. You have to model. So remember, we're going to focus today on helping your children thrive. You have to model everything for them. Everything. And you think, what? That's just too much. I can't do that. Well, sorry. That's the job. Yep. And you have kids. Your job essentially is to model everything as ideal a human being as possible. Yep.

That's your job. Yes, I love this. You have to be the ideal human. If you're a woman, the ideal woman. If you're a man, the ideal man. And you need to show them they're going to see it day in and day out. They're going to see behind the scenes. You can put on this little act for the neighbors. You can put on this little show at church or at work or wherever you go out in society. Your kids see it all. They have to see the authentic, the real, ideal man or woman in the flesh up close.

And that does not mean perfect, no emotion, no distress, no frustration. It doesn't mean all that. It means that you model for them how to go through and handle those emotions. You're going to experience anger. You're going to experience frustration, depression, anxiety, all of these things. You experience those. So model for them how to handle it well. Exactly. And how to not.

Rachel Denning (37:16.717)
stay stuck in there. One of the problems, of course, with depression and anxiety is that people take it on as an identity, instead of seeing that it's simply an emotion that you feel and should pass through. It's not meant to be who you are. It's just something you feel. And so whether you're overwhelmed or you experience a huge setback or failure or disappointment, how are you at handling disappointment? How are you at

handling unexpected setbacks and things just fall apart. How are you handling chaos? How are you managing and directing and mastering and controlling your emotions? And do you articulate it when things happen? You don't have to put on this fake smile like everything's great. I'm not going to tell the kids that I'm actually dying inside. Say no, like I'm I'm really struggling right now.

and I'm working through this. And we've done that deliberately since our kids were really little. Yeah. But of course we do it at an appropriate level. You don't give your six year old more than they can handle. Like you share, but appropriately. Yep. I'm not going to hide it from them. I'm going to say, yeah, I'm really struggling with this is this thing happened and I'm really struggling with it. And that's it. But if they're 16, I'm like, Hey, here's what happened here. The details. Here's this is what I'm feeling.

And this is what I'm doing to deal with. And so I'm working through that and letting them know I'm again, I'm modeling how to be a man. And Rachel's modeling how to be a woman. And we're showing them education. We're showing them health and fitness. We're showing them social skills, financial skills. We're walking through every bit of it, striving to be the very best version of ourself. That is the fundamental piece on which all of this is built. Right. And so, you know,

in this question that you received, the way that plays out is, and I think it's applicable for us too, because we just moved to Portugal, although obviously we've traveled to a lot of, you know, I've been to 50 countries and our son has been to 49. But it's a new country, we don't speak the language. Yeah. And like I'm going to say, culture shock is real. I think especially when you move to a place and you're going to live there, I know I've been dealing with it, it's a real thing because you're not used to how things are and you're frustrated by this or that or the other.

Rachel Denning (39:42.573)
You don't always understand what's going on. You don't understand the customs, how to pay the bills, where to pay the bill, like all of these things, you know, it's a, it's a thing. I dealt with that today. Yeah, exactly. Well, and we had the power go out the other day and we didn't know if it was cause we didn't pay a bill because we had something in the mail, but we thought it was automated. And then it turns out it was a neighborhood thing. And then like on and on, you know, so there's these things that happen that are real, it can be frustrating and annoying and whatever. And so in that type of situation,

we're talking through it, we're walking through it, we're verbalizing and vocalizing for the kids and talking about, oh, this or that, or this is frustrating and then how can we solve it? And at the same time modeling how to go through this process. And so part of the answer for how do we do this for our kids and create well -adjusted kids no matter where in the world we are is modeling this process of handling life's...

challenges essentially. It's to be a well -adjusted person. Right. And I think the biggest problem is people, first of all, aren't aware enough of how to do that. They don't know themselves. And then they don't know how to talk about it or do it with their kids. It's almost like I feel that, and maybe this is inaccurate, that a lot of families, it's almost like they live in these little insular islands within the family. So they're all in the house, but they don't really talk about,

especially anything that's deep or meaningful or stressing or upsetting or whatever. And so the only time they talk about it is when someone explodes or has an episode or gets upset and then it has to be dealt with because there it's right there in the surface when our approach is always to deal with those things when they're small. When the irritations and frustrations and annoyances are small, that's when we talk about them. We don't wait until they're big and that's not to...

you know, make mountains out of mole hills. What? Mole hills? Mountains out of mole hills? I'd rather make mole hills out of mountains, personally. Let's just take this mountain and size it down a bit. Well, exactly. And I think that is, in essence, what we're doing by addressing things when they're smaller, because I feel like they become mountains when they're not addressed. When you don't talk about how you're feeling about something or what's going on or... Or just...

Rachel Denning (42:03.981)
regular topics and it depends on the family. Some families will never ever talk about sex. They'll never talk about religion. They'll never talk about money. They'll never talk about politics. Like they have these things that are just like, whoop, that's the soft limits. I'm like, how, how are you supposed to educate your kids about these things? How are you supposed to live together? Right. And we talked to couples. They're like, no, we never talk about sex. We never talk about money. Like, oh no, you can't bring that up. We never talk about health. Why? Well, if I bring up.

health if I suggest that she's gaining a little weight like how in the how do you live together if you can't talk about health and money and sex and what in the world I thought it was so funny the other day because we do this question book it's like 365 questions one a day and our kids love it especially the younger kids and we did one of the questions and it said

who or what helps you to feel better when you're discouraged and it's year by year so it has it for three years in a row now we don't do them all but you know we skip years sometimes but we answered the question and then I went back and read from the previous year what we had written and that's always so fascinating entertaining and so for this year Greg had said that I'm I'm the one that helps him to

feel better or cheer him up when he's discouraged. And then for the previous year, he said, good books, good food and good sex, right? And I was reading them all to everybody and I was reading that and I said, good food, good books, good sex. And I just, I ended it like that, you know, cause my nine year old was sitting right there and she's like, oh, good sex. She just said it like that. She said sexy, good sexy. But she just said it like that. Like,

You know, that's what it is. That's how it is. That's dad, right? So they're aware of these things. We don't shelter them and hide things from them. Now, again, it's appropriate. And she doesn't quite understand what it means. Yeah, she doesn't get the whole context. But the conversation is open and it's available for when whenever it needs to be had. You know, she's the same one who on our Scotland trip, we're walking along with our group that we're leading and she's like,

Rachel Denning (44:22.861)
What's puberty? And we have the conversation. I don't shush her. I was a little embarrassed, but I just answered the question. Well, this is what it is. I love that about children. They are just... I love that honesty. But they have to have the right sort of environment for them to be able to be that way. And that's essentially what we want. In a public awkward situation, for a five -year -old, a six -year -old, a four -year -old, an eight -year -old to be like...

Why is your face like that? Why, why, hey, wait, why is that guy doing that? And, and to be able to say, oh, well, let me give you an answer. Right. That creates, I'm glad you brought that up because that is one of those elements that creates a really great environment. Yeah. Like we've got to be able to ask questions. We've got to be able to embrace the awkwardness, lean into a little embarrassment to say, this is life. Yeah. And we're doing life together.

It's awkward. It's embarrassing. It's like, don't do it. Don't talk about that. And it starts right there to just start creating this.

unthriving, that's not even a word, but it's this unthriving feeling and environment where it starts to stifle. Yes, it's atrophying. So the absolute best thing you can do for your children is to work harder on yourself than you do on anything else. The best thing you can do for your children is to make the most of yourself. So start right there and be like, where, where am I failing to be an ideal?

role model? Is it in my emotional outbursts, my exploding or imploding? Is it how I handle myself? Is it how I face challenges or adversity? Am I constantly going through life avoiding everything? I just want it to be comfortable and convenient and easy.

Rachel Denning (46:28.045)
Am I playing this little game and the kids see right through it? They see through our little games. Are we are we pretending to be something we're not? Or are we just are we just consumed in ourselves? So we we meet a lot of parents who are just so self consumed. Their poor kids are absolutely starving for love and attention. Yeah. Or we've seen this multiple times. So.

so sad to me. For whatever reason, a parent just has never developed the ability to express love to their children. Their children go their entire life without hearing their parents really express love to them, which should be happening multiple times per day. Not just once a day, multiple times per day you should be expressing love to your children. And I've coached with, we've worked with people, we worked with an elderly gentleman. His kids were all long gone grown.

And he in just huge sobs of remorse. Do you remember this? Just touched my heart. Just sobbing and weeping about how much he loved his kids, but he just couldn't bring himself to express love. He didn't grow up like that. He didn't know how to do it. He just felt like he wasn't capable of just telling them that he loves them and how it just hurt him so bad and how it had hurt them. And that's just one simple example.

If you're not expressing love sincerely to them and then showing it, backing it up with your actions and your attitudes, that's self -sabotage right there. That gets me fired up. And ultimately, it's those types of things that are what make the difference in creating this family culture that we're talking about that's location independent. Because if you have this family culture where you express love,

You can have conversations, you can talk about things, you can be awkward and embarrassed with each other if you need to. When you have that, it doesn't matter where you are in the world, you know, it's the cliche of like home is where your heart is. Like you have home with you and we know that from experience because it doesn't matter where we are. Our family feels like home wherever the family is.

Rachel Denning (48:49.677)
And we can be in an Airbnb or a tent or a hotel and we can say let's go home and home is wherever we sleep together. Sleep in the same place. You know it's because we have that with us. We have that family culture that we carry with us wherever we go. And again our kids are watching us and then so here's what's happening. Your children watch you. They interpret what they see and they do it in their own little style.

So if they see us settle in, they're like, oh, I can settle in. And it's cute. All of our kids, we go somewhere and we're there for three or four days. They're like, ah, home. And they set up their little space and they're like, oh, this is good. We go into our routines and our rituals and our systems. Which is another key part of this. Absolutely key party, part of it. Because then the system happens no matter where we are, the system continues, the routines continue, those familiar things.

Continue and they're like, okay, this is good. I think it's a good time to talk about safe unsafe certain uncertain So it has to be safe like Rita was just talking about It's safe where they can be authentic. They can be awkward. They can ask any question literally any question and no questions that are off limits and They can share their weaknesses. They can share their mistakes They feel totally safe to

be themselves. Well, I think one good example of this, I feel it's at least relevant based on our own upbringing and background, at least mine, is they're allowed to express their discontent or dissatisfaction with anything, including if we request ask them to do something. They're allowed to say, oh, I don't want to do that, or why are you asking me to do that?

quote unquote talk back. You know, we did a whole podcast about that allowing them to talk back because they're allowed to have an opinion and they're allowed to discuss it with us and we don't view that as being totally question what we're doing as being disrespectful, right? But they're also allowed to say something like, well, I don't want to go to church. I don't like going to church. Like they're not afraid to tell us those things because they know we're not going to overreact or get upset or respond negatively. We're just going to be like, Oh, okay.

Rachel Denning (51:14.797)
Really, let's talk about it, tell me why. And we may agree with some things and may disagree with others and so we have an actual conversation about, yeah, you're right, that bothers me too. I do like this part and it's an actual conversation instead of like a lecture or a shaming session or... Or it's not a dictatorship or a totalitarianism. We're not telling them what to think. We're not trying to control their thoughts. Yeah, or brainwash it.

Here's what about this? And that's interesting and something to think about. I've thought about that before. You know, I came to some conclusions. Why don't you work on this a little bit and let's talk about it again, because, you know, I came to this understanding or whatever, but it's it's safe in that way. But it's also this important unsafe in that everyone that's in our family is open to being challenged, starting in our marriage.

This has to be the first place. The most important place is Rachel can challenge me. She can call me out and I can challenge her and the kids will see us do that. And Rachel doesn't like to be challenged in front of the kids, but they have to see that where I can say something and she's like, excuse me.

Right in front of him, right? And challenge her like, oh, hey, you said you're gonna do this. Do it. Or, you know, whatever. If I start to get a little overweight, I fully expect her to say, hey, what, what the heck? Unacceptable. Unacceptable. And it is absolutely unacceptable. Like, why are you letting yourself go? And if I were just playing out a scenario here, oh, babe, I'm just I'm so busy and so stressed. She'd be like.

Welcome to my life. Like it's just an excuse. And she would say that she was like, that's just an excuse. Stop hiding behind your excuses. And at that point she might. Or as we love to say, um, excuses are like armpits. Everybody has them and they all stink. And you're stink too. Like what's stop. Well, but, but I could know. Or if, if I had a temper, which I used to have.

Rachel Denning (53:38.381)
crazy temper and I eliminated it. But if I, if I have an emotional outburst, only expect her to call me out on it and I would do the same for her. So it's, it's quote unsafe because you're not here just to be protected and hidden. A lot of people think, no, in marriage that's that cannot happen in family. Doesn't happen bogus. That's where families stop thriving. That's where marriage is stop thriving. If your spouse cannot challenge you and call you out. Right.

And so our kids know that and they know that from us and from their own siblings, well, especially their older siblings now, that they're going to be called out on quote unquote unacceptable behavior. And that's not to, you know, not to shame them or not to, I don't know what other words I would use, but it's just simply saying we're going to say things as they are. We're going to speak the truth as we see it.

Now we might be wrong and we can have that conversation. My 13 year old loves to do that. He loves to try and argue his way out of things. And I'm like, great, we can have that conversation, but here's how I see it. And you know, give me your argument. Here's the science even like here's all the research. Give me your argument. But you know, if I can talk him into it.

he's gonna agree with me. And that's one thing our kids have said is that they love that because we do use logic and reasoning to convince them that, well, no, this is the higher path and here's why. Not because we have high expectations and you should live up to our expectations, but if you have high expectations for yourself, this is the way you wanna live because that's how you fulfill your full potential. And always based on what kind of person you wanna be. Who do you wanna be?

Right. And we never ever say, we'll do it because I said so. Or because that's just the way it is. We don't do that. And so it's a place that is totally safe. And we've built up a massive emotional bank account by making lots and lots of deposits. And it's unsafe in that, yeah, we're going to challenge you. And we're going to hold some crazy high standards around here.

Rachel Denning (56:01.325)
We're going to invite you to join us and we're going to use all of our persuasive skills to get you to choose to hold that standard. And our kids readily, joyfully choose the standard. They choose to join the challenge. I guess that's where it's also unsafe and uncertain is we take on challenges, big challenges. We, we love uncertainty and we can, we have the ability to love and thrive in uncertainty because

In other aspects, we have so much certainty. Well, we have so much inner personal and familial certainty that makes taking on uncertainty possible and sustainable. So we can go into risky situations, even somewhat. There's one of my reminders going off that I'll share that right now. I set reminders to remind myself of what I need to be doing, who I need to be being.

And you guys, that's right there. That's how I keep my standards. That's how I keep things in front of me of how I want to be. But we can go into risky or dangerous situations because we have acquired knowledge, experience, skill, competence that mitigate those things. So the certainty of competence lessens the uncertainty of some risk or danger. Right.

One of the things I've been thinking a lot about I think at least the last couple of days is this idea of having higher standards because I think that you know there's this whole message in the world and you get comments on Instagram on some of your posts and stuff about This is just too much. We're just expecting too much of men or whatever and the reality is no It's actually the opposite. We're not expecting enough of ourselves of our children of each other I think it's actually when we expect more

that we find more happiness. When we start to pursue those higher ideals, we actually feel more purpose and meaning and fulfillment because we're like, yeah, this is right. I am meant to be more. I'm meant to do more. I'm not meant to just, you know. Exist. Exist. Watching Netflix. Entertainment and comfort. Exactly. That's not the purpose of our existence. And so. But that will utterly backfire and fail.

Rachel Denning (58:28.205)
If you are a hypocrite. Oh, absolutely. If you tell your kids to run a mile, but you can hardly walk to the corner. Exactly. So Rachel and I have always been like, look, if I'm going to ask you to do something, it's because I have been and am willing to go five times farther than you. I'll ask you to do something hard when I'm willing to go way, way harder than you. Right. And our kids have seen that their entire lifetime. When they were tiny, I was carrying them on my back.

We didn't say, well, I can't go on an adventure because we have kids. And the only alternative was when they get tired, I carry them. So I'm like, okay. So since all of our children were tiny before they could speak, they saw me struggling physically so we could have family adventure. Again, we're so focused on you. Can they come to you with questions, doubts, fears, concerns? Do they receive massive amounts of love from you?

How do you respond to their mistakes? Are they afraid of your disappointment? Are they afraid of your wrath? Are they afraid you're too fragile? Are they afraid you're too stern? Are they afraid you're too disconnected? Are you challenging yourself enough? Yeah, have they totally lost respect for you? That happens so much. I see that all the time. Parents aren't going anywhere, so the kids are like, they have no respect for you. Right.

And parents are like longing for respect me more. I'm like dude. You got to earn it Don't you dare ask your kids to respect you if you're not earning their respect? Yeah, I Was just thinking of another example today with a 13 year old about challenging our kids and holding to those standards and if necessary making them, you know earn it and modeling it for them because I've been telling my 13 year old who does not play an instrument which I'm

So embarrassed that he's reached this age of 13 and doesn't play an instrument because all of our other kids were playing something that that is. But I told him, I and I gave him a warning. I said, OK, starting this Monday. You have to practice the piano or you don't get access to your device or guitar or ukulele or violin. I was like, I don't care. Pick an instrument. We have several. And we'll buy you one. Yeah, I'll buy you some bagpipes. I don't care. Pick an instrument.

Rachel Denning (01:00:52.525)
And he just has had this stubborn thing of like, no, I don't play instruments. I don't do that. And I'm like, I don't care because here's the science. We can watch the video about how, you know, brain development. This isn't about you becoming some musician. This is just about you developing yourself as a human being. And so you need to just practice an instrument. It doesn't matter why.

or doesn't matter if you love it or want to do that, it's just part of your growth and development, just like learning a language is or working out. It doesn't matter if you like it, it's good for you. And that's our philosophy. If it's good for you, you do it, right? And so I said, that's a part of our family culture. And so of course he had many excuses and many reasons of why he wasn't gonna do it. But I just held to it and I explained, there's rights and there's privileges.

And one of the privileges is having access to a device. If you want access to your device, you have to earn it. Now that's nothing new. He's known that. And I've continually been adding to that list of how he adds, how he earns his device. You know, it starts out with easier things and then I add more to it. And this was the next thing I added. I'm like, you've got to do it. And so he spent, you know, most of the morning being upset about it, but I was like, I don't care.

These are the rules. These are the new rules. I warned you that they would be enforced today and this is where we're at. And with, you know, halfway through the day, he decided, I guess I better do it because mom's not going to change her mind. I love that it only took half a day. Some of our kids have been stubborn for weeks. Well, even he has been stubborn because I did the same battle with him a few weeks ago on a different topic, you know, same thing, but he probably...

was stubborn for two days that time. So, you know, he cut it down. He's learning. You're learning. They learn because we hold our standards. We're not mean. But I'm also not mean. I still am. We don't withhold love. Me too. I went and found him. I'm just like, hey, yeah, that's great. And but I'm also like, no, you can't lay around on the couch. You know, you don't have your device to do your studies. I don't care. You have to do something. You can't be laying around on the couch. And so finally, he just

Rachel Denning (01:03:03.053)
got up, went and used my computer and did his studies. Now the other thing is modeling. Like I practice an instrument. Okay, not always, we just moved to Portugal. I've started again practicing an instrument. So I practiced my instrument today, you know? So I'm also modeling that for him of like, yeah, even I do that. I am practicing it, right? And he did everything he was required to do, checked it all off. And then I was like,

Okay, here you go. You can use your device. So we're challenging him and we're not allowing him to push back and we're recognizing, yeah, it's hard. Yeah, you don't want to. Yeah, it's not fun. Doesn't matter. We do it anyway. And so that's kind of the, this attitude is done with love, but also firmness of this is how we do life. These are the standards. It's firm and it's kind and it's done with diplomacy. And it's modeled.

And so a lot of us, either we're not modeling it. So that throws a crap sandwich in there. Or the kids get stubborn and we don't know what to do. So we yell and scream and threaten, we ground, we act like barbarians, we withdraw, we make massive withdrawals from the account, or we even scar them. We insult them. Oh, well, we don't hug them. We don't like all those crazy things. And that doesn't help at all. That just creates resentment, hatred, all this stuff.

Like, no, we're going to love you. We're going to, you're still part of the family. Everything's good, except you're, we're not budging. Because we've very carefully, very deliberately chosen these things, modeled them, you know, insisted that the whole family does it. There's no isolation here. And so he, he knows we mean business in a very kind way. We'll be hugging him, smiling, say, nope, I'm not budging. And that's that. Yeah.

I don't have to be mean or rude or whatever. It's there. This is a perfect place to talk about meeting their needs. You have to have enough of you, meaning the well has to be full. And overflowing. And overflowing. So you can give love and praise and compliments and safety.

Rachel Denning (01:05:31.341)
grace and just this overflow of just goodness. So all of your children's needs are being met. Now we've done lots of podcasts with tons of training about human needs. There's all the needs from Maslow's hierarchy. We've done, I did five episodes in this, on this podcast early, I think in the forties or fifties in the numbers of episodes. I did five.

five full episodes on Maslow's hierarchy needs. We did a full one, I've done multiple on the six human needs. Humans have a lot of needs. And some people are like, we only need food, water, and shelter. That's so retarded. Like yeah, if you just want to be an animal, you want to exist as a - An underdeveloped human, basically. Well yeah, just this wild mammal, sure, that would be enough. But if you want to be a thriving human, you have a lot of needs.

And it's your responsibility as a parent to help your children meet those needs. Some of them, they need to learn how to meet themselves. They have needs that they are responsible to meet, so don't do it for them. Well, you have to do it for them before they can learn how to do it. Exactly. That's early on. So little ones, yes, you do it for them. But I think that that's a model that continues as they grow, that you do that for them and show them how.

it's to be done so they can then do it on their own. Exactly. One of those needs is they have to be able to come to you for help. And of course that is an introduction to what you might be doing. Help or just affection or just whatever reassurance. And I was actually thinking about this while you were talking because that is one of the things I've been conscious of doing. Not my whole.

mother life but for a lot of it because I realized how important it was is that I never reject my children or turn them away when they come to me and that starts of course when they're very small whenever they come to me even if it is an interruption I respond with love and positivity even before that whenever they cried as infants yeah absolutely and so it's never this

Rachel Denning (01:07:56.397)
anger or I mean not that I don't feel frustrated sometimes about it but I am not projecting that frustration onto them. No sense of I'm annoyed by you. Right. That is the most destructive thing you can do to a child is make them feel like a burden and an annoyance. Now at the same time I will appropriately say something like that behavior is annoying to me can you please not do that or change it so I'll vocalize the feelings but I don't

act in an angry and annoyed way because they're acting like a child, right? But the reason why is when they come to you, that's how you build this relationship of trust with them because they know if I need something in this world, I go to my parent and they are there for me. They're there to support me and love me and help me and whatever I need, they're there. And so when we do that for them, it just...

fills this emotional bank account that you're talking about, you know, so that they are certain in your love for them so that they can come to you for anything, for questions, for help, for guidance. This is huge. As I'm sitting here listening to you, like I'm seeing the vision of how big this is. Your children have to know that whatever happens in this crazy, crazy world we live in.

They can come to you.

Okay, but this is where things get real. You have to have the character and the competence to be a resource for your kids to be an asset. That's right. In my personal podcast, the Be the Man podcast, and in my Be the Man Masterclass Tribe, I was endlessly talking about being an asset to humanity, being useful. You have to be a highly developed human being.

Rachel Denning (01:09:55.213)
So your kids are like, dude, I can go to my dad or my mom for anything.

At least one of them, if not both of them. And they'll go to Rachel for some things and go to me for others. But they know they can come to us. That has to be there. They have to have that assurance. And if they don't have it, if you yourself are a dumpster fire, where in the world are your kids going to turn? Right. Exactly. They feel so alone and that's just horrifying. They're terrifying. What hope is there if?

my parents can't even figure it out. Right. Now what are you? What chance do I have? Yep. And that's a good lead into marriage too. It's like if your marriage is off, if you're not modeling for them what a phenomenal marriage looks like, or if your marriage is rocky or shaky. I've had youth, many, many youth over the last 25 years come to me like, Hey, look, I can't go to my parents because their relationships are a train wreck. I can't go to my parents because I can't add anything. They're already under so much stress. I can't.

And they wanted to, they needed to desperately, but they couldn't because the parents weren't in a good spot. The marriage wasn't in a good spot. And I realized that happens. And sometimes beyond your control, I realized that. And sometimes divorces are necessary, I get it. But whatever's happening or whatever has happened, you've got to grow into a place where your kids can comfortably turn to you.

And Rachel and I have always made this our priority that we, as individuals and as a couple, are growing so much that our kids can only glean on us. They have to be able to, and we have to have that strength. We have to be the lighthouse. At least until we're 100. At least. And then maybe we'll glean on them. I'm shooting for like 120. And we tell them, like one day you'll wipe my butt. Because I wiped yours for a long time. And our oldest daughter is excited about that. She's a nurse type. She loves working with.

Rachel Denning (01:11:57.197)
But we're like, we're dead serious. Like, no, and again, I pass on this question to you, listener. Like, are you physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially, financially developed enough that your kids can turn to you? They can lean on you quite heavily sometimes. Are you the lighthouse that can handle the wind and the waves and the storms and the tsunamis?

And I think honestly, if we were to sum up the problems in the world, this is it. There's very few people like that. That's the real problem. What politicians or world leaders or anyone do you know who's that caliber of person? And if we had more people like that in the world, the world would be a better place. That's why works like Gulag Archipelago by

Solzhenitsyn are so important because he's actually outlined, he's talking about the Gulag and all the horrible things that happened during Stalin, under Stalin's reign. And, you know, he spent time in the Gulag, but ultimately he said, I contributed to this. I contributed to this horrible society that now will throw people in prison for any reason, torture them,

you know, a total lack of humanity. I am a contributor to this because of my own individual actions. And that's true. If we were all stronger individuals, if we were all assets to humanity, not just for our family, but we would then be assets to humanity. And that is what would make the world a significantly better place. That's honestly the answer right there.

And I'll throw out a teaser here for my book. That's what my book is about. The formidable, formidable, formidable, formidable family man. And the world needs desperately, desperately needs more formidable family men who can handle it, who are dangerous when they need to be, but are also tender. Right. And, and the world needs.

Rachel Denning (01:14:22.765)
desperately needs men and women who can handle the storm. Who can stand up. That reminds me of that poem, Good Wood, right? And they can handle the storm and the wind and they can handle what's there. And so many of us are so, so weak that we can't handle our kids. We can't even handle our own easy lives. Yeah, exactly. And our kids will struggle. And I mean, that sounds harsh, but it's so true. We have easy lives.

And all of our problems are Mickey Mouse problems for the most part. We don't have to like grow our own food and go hunting to eat. Okay. And let's drop this in there. Cause some of you are like, Oh, you Dennings in your easy, comfortable, cushy life. You don't know my problems. So I met with a coaching client this morning and they just, their business literally just split in half and they lost massive amounts of revenue and they're looking at like ugly lawsuits.

and turned out their partner was a psychotic madman. It's all crumbling. It's a big deal. Massive amounts of money and like all these things they had built and done is there. And he's like, I was feeling so stressed and so overwhelmed. He's like, then I stopped and I just stopped right in that moment, this moment. He's like, nothing's trying to kill me right now.

Nothing's trying to eat me right now. Nobody's dying. Nobody's dying right now. There's literally no threat to life or limb. Why am I getting so worked up? I might lose some money.

Okay. I'm not being taken to a concentration camp or some torture. Or the Gulag. The Gulag. And that's the challenge. Like nothing like that has happened for over 80 years. We don't know what that's even like. And so it's easy for us to complain about our little problems that are nothing compared to the atrocities of war. Last week I mentioned reading

Rachel Denning (01:16:36.269)
Wild swans and again, we have to realize that is happening right now. Yes, there are 40 to 50 million slaves right now. So yes Some people are experiencing it. Absolutely as we speak right now and maybe some of you listening have been through something like that and So we we're not trying to dismiss that but for a bulk of us Even as hard as some of the things we've gone through

Even me, I've been through some crazy, crazy hard things out of my own at 16. We went through some tough stuff. And even now I look back and I was like, yeah, even my hardest problems in this perspective, we're still Mickey Mouse problem. And it's nothing compared to that. And in fact, that's what got me through those hard times was reading books like that. They're like, oh my goodness, those guys are facing the real deal. So we have to toughen up, you guys. You've got to toughen up.

We have to be more and we have to do more. We have to put in more effort, more time, more intensity. Well, someone emailed me recently and it was kind of about the trip to Morocco that we have coming up. It's going to be amazing. You should come. We're going to go to the Sahara Desert over New Year's. Set some new goals for the year. It's going to be awesome. And go out into one of the most sacred and powerful places on the planet. That's true.

and reevaluate all of 2023 and set targets and sights and visions for 2024. What better place than completely so far away from anything in society, far away from any light pollution. Unreal to see this. And the drumming and the singing. It's like heaven. So yes, feel the energy and the spirit. The burbers. Of the Sahara. Yeah.

while you get clarity about your life. When we were there before, I honestly felt this, it was almost like the womb of the world type thing, like this heartbeat of life. It's strange, I don't know how to describe it, but it was just this really almost primal feeling. Anyways, we're going there, but someone had emailed saying something like, wow, you know, we're nervous because we're already overwhelmed with life and we're...

Rachel Denning (01:19:01.549)
You don't really know if we want your whole level up to the next level challenge thing. And I'm like, I get it. But the irony is the way to get out of overwhelm is to actually take on more. Because when you take on more, it forces you to grow. And when you grow, you stop being overwhelmed by those Mickey Mouse problems. You're feeling overwhelmed by your problems because you're not a big enough person to handle.

So if you grow into a bigger person, you have more competence and you feel less overwhelmed. So now then there's always another level of course that you can then pursue, which makes you feel overwhelmed at first. The same thing, then you grow into the person who can handle that and now you move out of overwhelm. So you get out of overwhelm by taking on more, not taking on less. The way I see it, the only option that we have.

is to rise. Yeah, that's it. That's the only option that any other alternative is so pathetic that it just leaves it. This is the only option to level up. And so, I mean, we could keep going for hours. As I think about this whole thing, maybe we'll continue this episode next time. But as I think about it, it's like, what else what else needs to be done to have this environment where children can thrive? Well, we've just barely we've only covered you and barely touched on marriage. And we got to keep going with marriage and

family culture and finances. And we will do that. Just keep this going for next week because it's so big and so complex. We're talking about creating a family culture so that you have stability no matter where you are in the world. But yeah, most of the time we've spent today has been talking about strengthening you because you are the foundation and we really can't talk about.

the specifics of the family culture until you have, because you have to be that support. You have to be that strength. Your family is built on the foundation of you. And then you and your spouse. All the tools and strategies we could give you, which we will, and you can use them and get results, but they'll all be a little hollow. They'll all lack a little substance until you are full. And that's the problem with most parenting tips and techniques and.

Rachel Denning (01:21:24.045)
hacks and whatever is that you're trying to do something that's like only if potentially effective if you are an effective influencer. If you have the emotional bank account built up with that child, if you are respectable so that your children respect you and want to listen to you because they know you love them, that you love them and you listen to them and you care about them and you are someone that they look up to and admire and want to be like.

it only works if all those pieces are in place. And so if you just take it on its own, it's really useless. And people will be, ah, I tried that, it didn't work. Well, yeah, because you're not the kind of person who can use that kind of tool. Exactly. The vast majority of parenting tips and tricks and all these parenting presenters I see, all these little strategies, like the image I have, and I have had for years and has played out as I saw it.

is ultimately just straightening deck chairs on the Titanic. That's what most of the parenting strategies are. And it's ultimately because it'll only work if you become the caliber of person that can make those things work. The good news is it's gonna be really hard. That's the good news. And it can happen way faster than you think. That's the better news. Let's clarify like we said before, it's going to be really hard either way. Yep.

It doesn't matter which way, it's going to be hard. Just what's the outcome you want. Which hard do you want to choose? Because it's hard either way. You can discipline yourself now or suffer later. So lean into it, make changes. You can make changes today, right now. You can draw a line and say, I'm never doing that again. Never, ever, not in the rest of my life. Never doing that again. And that can be with your temper or with those extra 20 pounds you're packing or...

with your ego or your insensitivities or your inability to... Unconscious incompetence. Express love. Anything we've mentioned or anything you know is a glaring problem, that stops now. And you can lean in and we have to. Again, it's the moral obligation we have, the responsibility and the privilege. What an incomparable privilege to raise and love another human being every day.

Rachel Denning (01:23:48.941)
And I'm sincere about this. I'm not exaggerating. Every day I feel so deeply grateful to be a father. It's unbelievable. And it was, I longed for it, I wished for it. And I love it. I absolutely love it. And it's one of the greatest responsibilities I have. And I take it very seriously. And that's why we have results that we have. So.

Our invitation with love is to you to increase the effort, the intensity, the willingness to face and overcome obstacles that will arise and develop a very particular set of skills to be a world -class parent. Love you guys. Reach out to you.