#242 HOW to (Enjoy) Spending More Time with Your Spouse & Kids

Rachel Denning (00:10.254)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. This last month has been an absolutely wild, crazy ride all over the planet. I was gone in a training with our boys for a bit and came back. We had what, five days together in Scotland, just Rachel and I. You were gone for two weeks. Yeah, I was gone two weeks and we came back and it was...

Ah, magic. Magic time in Scotland. Except you were sick. And then I got sick. It was brutal. Actually, I'd been sick for a long time. And then Rachel's stepdad passed away. So she left immediately after we got back. Less than 48 hours after we got back from Scotland, I flew 24 hours. Which is brutal.

brutal. So there's funeral out there and a week out there. And then I got sick. I brought your sickness with me. Oh, and then she was sick. Passed it around with the family appreciated. I'm sure deeply. And then as soon as she got back. We spent, you and I spent Thanksgiving apart. You were with the kids and I was with my family because the funeral was just a couple days before Thanksgiving. And we rocked it here. We had a great Thanksgiving kids.

Made some amazing food and great things. It was awesome. Simple and wonderful. It was mostly pies and fruit salad. We could not find a turkey here or a ham. There was no meat. So I think we had a steak. And then the next day I air fried a duck, which was actually really good. I liked it a lot. It was yummy. And then I had an opportunity. Well, then I flew back and.

Utah and then we had three days together and then you flew. Then I went to a humanitarian trip where we were working with some refugees in South America so we we've been like criss -crossing the Atlantic Ocean. A lot and overall you know it's it's been a lot of travel yeah and a lot of time.

Rachel Denning (02:29.87)
Well kind of apart like I was away from some of the kids with some of the kids and we went away together And you're away and then I was gone Which is why we have not done a podcast. Yes for a couple been a couple weeks but we've had as you can imagine an insane amount of experiences and lessons and met with a lot of people and We've been changed the last month has been

very transformative. Which is usually the case when you have experiences, they do change you. That's why we find them so valuable is because they are life -changing. I think people believe that we use those words too lightly, but we have learned through lots of experience that experiences change you and literally change your life and often change the course of your life. Yeah and even the way you

as an individual, the way you engage with an experience can be transformative. So here's how I say it. I see that it can be transactional or it can be transformational. You can go into an experience, but we could go in with you, right? You're listening and we could go have an experience and some of us could just be like, yeah, I went, it was okay. And then some of us can go in and literally change our lives because of it. Well, yeah, I think it ultimately comes down to eventually the internal.

dialogue you're having while you're having the experience. Well, and that's very fitting for today's topic, because you have to be all in. So sometimes you can be there. You know, it's like the saying that the lights are on, but no one's home, right? You can be there. And you can be thinking about something. Your body is there. Yeah, you can be you're not really really truly present, or you're not allowing yourself to feel fully for whatever reason you got this limiter on on on your thoughts or your

Feelings or whatever or you can show up and be truly all in fully engaged like allowing your heart to feel whatever is there to be felt and allowing your brain allowing your heart to be touched. Yes and allowing your brain to to Embrace all the sensory stuff everything from sights and smells and words You can really connect with the place and with people

Rachel Denning (04:56.429)
Or you can just be there and be disinterested and distracted. And I think - A little island of disconnection in a way. Right, an island of disconnection. And sometimes the disconnection is pride or narcissism. Sometimes it's a lack of - Fear. Yeah, it can be fear. It can be your own insecurities. Often it's just lack of skill. Not knowing how.

to connect or engage. And this is powerful. Well, I was just going to say really quick, we're also excited now that we are back together. We're going to be together for a little while, and we're excited for the plans that are coming up, because in 10 days or so, we're leaving to drive from Portugal, where we are now, to Morocco. And we're going to drive through Spain and...

do a little road trip I think we're planning to take, I don't know, seven to 10 days to drive from here to Marrakesh where we'll spend Christmas and then we're leading a trip that is going to be incredible. I'm literally so excited. I mean, I get excited for all of our trips, but for some reason I am so excited about this trip because we're going to be leading a group into the Sahara Desert where we will spend New Year's Eve and...

And it's going to be awesome. That's all I can say. We're going to spend New Year's Eve in the Sahara Desert. And we're also reading the Alchemist, which we're going to be discussing. If you haven't read that book, you definitely need to read that book. It's sitting here next to us. And I was reading the quote on the back. It says, to realize one's destiny is a person's only obligation. What a great way to end a year and get set up.

for a new year. Exactly. And he talks about, you know, living your personal legend. And so we're going to be discussing that while we are in the Sahara Desert for New Year's Eve. Yeah. It's going to be amazing. So we're very excited for this upcoming trip.

Rachel Denning (07:09.165)
Before we dive in, I want to just kind of share a perspective from this last humanitarian trip. If you can, and it's hard to put yourself in somebody else's shoes. It really is quite challenging. Until you experience something yourself.

Rachel Denning (07:31.437)
It's hard, you know, you can hear what people say and they can tell you their story and you're like, oh, you know, you try to understand, but until you've experienced it, hard to know what people are going through. But I wanted to.

just kind of throw this reality check for all of us that these sweet, innocent people flee from a country they were born into. And none of us - Because you were working with refugees. Yeah. None of us choose the country we're born into or the time. It's just, we arrive. And some of us are born into...

a time and place where there's freedom and opportunity and then others are born into a time and place where there's not. And circumstances can be so good for some of us and so absolutely wretched for others. Of no fault of their own. Either way. So some of the people we met, they left this country because things had gotten so bad. I mean, and again,

Try to put yourself in a situation where your circumstances are so horrendous that you sneak out of your country and into another country, usually on foot, in the hope of finding something better. It's so bad that you just go illegally knowing you can't get legal work because you're a foreigner.

And so you go looking for hope, and then in desperation, there's always somebody there to exploit. Well, I think the perfect example of this, which is not uncommon, is in the book, it's called In Order to Live by Yomi Perk. And similar thing, she escaped from North Korea into China, and her entire people, you know,

Rachel Denning (09:44.493)
She mentions later that people talked about how brave she was and all of this and she's like, that had nothing to do with it. I was hungry. I was so hungry that I thought surely it'll be better in China because she said she even lived close to the river where she could look across to China and she could see the lights on at night and that was a thing because they didn't have electricity at night in North Korea. And she could smell food sometimes from there. And so she just thought, that's all I want. I just want to.

Nika crossed this river so I can have more food in China. Well, of course, what often happens is the people who helped her cross had nefarious purposes, you know, and so they essentially trafficked her. She became a, you know, a sex slave or trafficked for sexual purposes and she...

They would sell them off to Chinese men who could be, you know, because China doesn't have enough women. So they would sell them as brides to Chinese men, or they would just work in call centers talking to men on the phone, or they actually were working in brothels as prostitutes. She did all of those things. And you're right. It's actually a very common thing that's still going on today.

constantly, you know, it's going on. In the millions. In nearly every country, including America, including the countries you went to, which we're not naming at this point for purpose, for reasons. You know, it's happening all over the place. And what just breaks my heart, and the reason I'm sharing this.

Well, we have to be more aware of what's going on outside of our own little corner of the world We have to expand our own realities, right? Which as we were talking about this with friends last night we went on it you got home last night flew in and Then we went out with friends who are in town, but are leaving Portugal and we were talking about how our lives particularly particularly meaning

Rachel Denning (12:01.421)
probably including many of the people listening to this podcast, not all, but definitely the four of us who were at dinner and the people we know, we've never experienced those types of hardships. Even you who were out on your own at 16, you often went hungry, you were very lonely. I mean, you were bringing this up that that's nothing compared to what most of, most, can you say most of the world is dealing with as far as,

and hunger and loneliness and all sorts of terrible things, not even to mention that that is the norm for the history of most of the world. And so in a way, we kind of are living in this isolated bubble of comfort and luxury and safety and prosperity that's very rarely, it's been extremely rare in the history of the world to experience. And then we have the audacity to complain about it.

And go around telling each other how hard our lives are. Well, we have the luxury to complain about things that people haven't been able to complain about for a long time, you know, including at the extreme end, which gender we are and, you know, what pronouns we want to be used to refer to us. Like these are luxury issues to be able to even talk about or make an issue of, you know, it's...

The stories I heard and the things I saw and these people that we got to meet and help.

Rachel Denning (13:42.477)
just absolutely breaks your heart and and just boils your blood in anger realizing that wherever there's a disaster man -made or natural there are evil people waiting to take advantage of suffering desperate people. Particularly women and children. They're already hopeless.

and desperate and evil people are waiting, whether it's on the border of, you know, in China on the border of North Korea or in Ukraine or the border in Mexico and the US. Like wherever, wherever it is, there's evil people waiting to take advantage, to pray. These predators, they prey on easy victims and desperation makes you vulnerable. And so they do that. And it.

Oh, it makes me so angry. And it drives me to want to share with you, those of you who are listening, this moral obligation that we have to help and to serve and to be good and to raise to raise the standard of goodness and love and service in the world and to participate in helping. If there were more people.

waiting at the borders to help, then there are evil people waiting at the borders to take advantage and exploit. It would be a different story.

Rachel Denning (15:24.397)
You know, and there's a big philosophical question there about that and how that all works and why it works and why that those things happen. But it just, I can't get this out of my mind that if there were more of us doing good and more of us fighting evil, the problem would be so much smaller. But instead of enough of us being out there doing good, we're just kind of doing our lives and trying to be good people. And evil people are out there.

actively, very, very actively exploiting others. Well, I think more to the point with this podcast and the things that we teach that.

Our goal is helping families to, we often talk, get out of survival mode. Like so many families that live in this bubble of prosperity and abundance and peace and all of that are still struggling to survive their days. You know, I mean, that's a common phrase, especially coming from moms. And I get it because there's demands on being a mom. But if we...

as these individuals who ultimately are blessed with amazing privileged lives, if we can not just survive our life but actually thrive in our life, then that allows us the opportunity to become a more useful person. A person who is, like you talk about, is an asset. Someone who has the opportunity to not just...

help themselves because that's where it starts by helping yourself and then helping your family. But now that you even have that under control, you can reach out to help the world because the worst thing and we've seen this before and we've talked about it before, the worst thing you can do is be like, oh my, I'm going to go save the children in Mexico and neglect your own family because that happens too. We've seen plenty of people who at the expense of their own family.

Rachel Denning (17:30.957)
are out trying to save other people. And that's not what we're talking about either. We're talking about this beautiful.

We like to use either these layers, you know, saying, maybe layers of an onion or layers in a pyramid where you're building one on the other and it's not missing parts or pieces. You're not doing one at the expense of something else. It's holistic and it's complete and it's whole and it begins by, you know, healing yourself, healing your own issues. Because that was something else you talked about, like there are...

There are so many people that need help and there's not enough people to help them because they have their own issues they're healing from. And that's also important. That needs to happen. But if more people can heal and be whole, then there's more people who will be able to help heal the world. Exactly. And so it's this journey and expansion of capability and capacity.

and healing because we can't give what we don't have. Exactly. And we're not very useful if we remain broken ourselves. And if you're a liability instead of an asset. Exactly. And so, and it seems, gosh, I love having intense experiences like this that you and I, we get to have often.

And just being in any kind of humanitarian work does that. Last year when I got to go help in Cuba, Cuba's an extreme, right? And you go in there and you come away different. It changes you. And it gives you the contrast. And so to hear you, to see what I saw this last weekend, hear those stories and to go help.

Rachel Denning (19:36.557)
And then to hear you talk about, you know, moms surviving their family life. And it is, I mean, it's we talk about all the time, you know, you're in survival mode, you're just trying to make it through the day. And yet, if you were to try to explain that. To the refugee that's trying to literally survive in life and you know, I love doing this myself. I like.

If ever I feel like complaining, I picture someone I've met over the years and imagine myself complaining to them. And trying to explain why my problems are so terrible. And how my day was just so wretched because I was trying to clean my house and the kids were making a mess. And then you talk to people who don't have a house, who don't literally own anything. And you think, how dare we?

Complain because they would gladly take on your problem in a second like oh well at least you have stuff to clean up at least you have family because some of the people we met have no family no friend if nothing and no one to turn to and they don't they don't have a house they don't have anywhere to live and And we're complaining Because it's hard to clean our huge houses our huge beautiful modern houses

and all the wonderful things we have. Well, because even the hotel that you stayed in, you know, crap show. And yet it was a nicer hotel. Yet some people would just love to stay there.

And that's why I love sharing stories with you listeners and with people we meet because you go out and you have these experiences and they're just the best reminders. It's just a reality check for the things we're taking for granted and the perspective we have lost. And so we need to know.

Rachel Denning (21:55.245)
What's going on?

Inside ourselves and in the world and our place in history. Yeah, exactly and time and space and Again you guys are here you're listening and what we love that you're here. We're so grateful You're wondering when we're actually gonna talk about parenting right? Getting there. Okay, but it's all leading to this because this is how we do it You know, you have to transform your perspective in your paradigm and give it some depth and and

Reason and meaning behind it to say, okay Yeah, I I have to level up and of course I can Because when you stop and think wow, I'm complaining about how I'm complaining about my conveniences I'm complaining about my comforts. Yeah my luxury problems. I'm they really are. Yeah, they're very luxury problems and you know, we

Again, it's hard to be a parent. It's frustrating and you're going to shed some tears and it's yeah, it's tough. But when at least for me, when I hold it up against some of the people I know personally, who are going through things that are so horrendous, I just stop and think, yeah, you know, my problems are challenging, but they're nothing compared to that. So I can handle this.

It's you know, this is a little Mickey Mouse problem. Well, I know for me that I often will use that to remind myself that If I had to I would pick the problems I have I literally would and I don't say that, you know Tongue -in -cheek or whatever that saying is I don't say it that way. I'm saying it sincerely like I would Pick the problems I have I literally would and on my better days when I actually remember I actually

Rachel Denning (23:51.917)
express gratitude for my problems. I really do. Like, oh, I'm so grateful I have this challenge because it's way better than the millions of challenges I could have instead. So with that background, hopefully is a reminder for all of us and a reality check. I think I want to point this out that I think it is in a very important framework that

Ultimately, maybe not every day, maybe not 100%, but I think that we try to bring this type of framework to the way we live life, to the way we parent, to the way we interact with each other, to the way we do things. It's not just...

you know, something we're saying and telling you as, oh, this is cool and a great idea. It literally is, I think, a part of the way we do life. And part of the reason we've been able to do that is because you're telling these stories. This isn't the first time we've had experiences like this. These are the types of experiences we've had again and again and again over the past couple of decades, which is why I'm writing a series of memoirs, not just one.

because we've had so many experiences that it will fill volume. And so while we're talking about this here and now, again, because of your most recent experience that you just came back from yesterday, we've had these over and over again, and they've regularly brought these feelings and this sense of perspective that has.

Formed the way we face life together. Absolutely the way we face our relationship the way we face our parenting and What we bring to it it's it's a part of how we actually parent and how we actually interact as a couple and how we actually do life absolutely no, you're right and it started, you know, I was there was Moments of literal homelessness where I had no place to stay when I was a teenager out of my own and there was some tough years and

Rachel Denning (26:03.117)
And they were incredibly hard. And I remember thinking, gosh, I'm suffering so much. Other people have it so good. This is so horrible. Why me? And then I had opportunity to go to Peru to help and serve and teach. And it was it was immediate wake up call. I thought I had it bad. And I got to prove my homelessness was sweet. Like I had it good. That literally happened. I got to Peru and saw the absolute.

horrendous. Especially Peru in the 90s. Yeah. In the 90s. Nice. Yeah. Now, now, now, if you guys are going to Lima, you'd be like, what is he talking about? This country is amazing. And Peru is I love it. Bad parts. Of course, I love it so much. But even the bad parts where we lived, I got mugged every like, I got robbed a couple times a week in somebody's area. It was so bad. You had diarrhea the whole diarrhea the whole time I was there with lice.

fleas. A hole in the ground as a toilet. Yeah. Oh man. It was, and there was trash. There was no, there was no garbage system and sometimes no sewage system. So if you can imagine millions of people and no garbage service, it was just hot downtown Lima had six foot high pile of trash with rats that were way bigger than cats. I mean the rats would have eaten cats that it was, it was

bad. And people lived in that they lived in the trash. They lived on the streets. They lived out in the just they would find pieces of metal and plastic build a little hut in the desert. And that's where they live to raise their families. So when I saw that I was like, my homelessness was nice. Like it'd be great to be homeless in the States again. It was that that that was the beginning of it. And you're right. Now we've been

I've been in over 55, I don't know, 56, 57 countries now. And I love going out to serve and help and teach and comfort. Well, and to be taught, essentially, and to learn. And to be served. Whether it's people who had leprosy in southern India or a shanty town in Morocco.

Rachel Denning (28:28.845)
or the Dominican Republic. Right. But where these little villages, they have nothing. So we go out, we have the experiences and they form and shape our own reality, our own paradigm, our own personal philosophy. And then of course I teach them to our kids and then I teach them to in, you know, I teach, I have one class that I do for youth because I just, I love youth. I love helping them, giving them the tools to create a great life. It's called our habits for a successful life class. And I teach them to the youth. Romance open.

Yeah, our new one's starting in a few weeks in January. And I tell these stories and we read great books and discuss them. And then with my coaching clients and with your 28 day challenge group for women and my Be the Man group for men, these communities, and I share these stories and teach these principles because they can instruct us and guide us and give us the perspective that helps us be better husbands and fathers.

and wives and mothers and better people. That's why we do this stuff. And it matters so much. It does. It really does. Because literally as you returned from this change, we're having conversations and part of the conversation is like, because it often does feel so hopeless. Like how do you change the world and save it? You know, it's it's hopeless.

And then there's the story about the starfish, you know, Google it if you don't know, but basically there's all these starfish on the beach and they're dying and someone's going along throwing them in one by one. And it's like, well, what's the point? You're not making a difference. And they're like, and the guy's like, I'm making a difference for this one right here. That's it. It's the one. But part of the big picture solution that for us, for us, it comes back to strengthening families.

strengthening individuals and strengthening marriages and strengthening families. That really is.

Rachel Denning (30:34.573)
if not the answer, a major part of the answer, the solution to making the world a better place. It really is. And so, if you want to make the world a better place, then you start with you. You make you a better person. And then you make your marriage a better relationship. And then you become a better parent and improve your relationships with your kids, which now we're getting to what we're actually going to talk about today. That's how you actually make a difference in the world.

It really is the answer. You don't have to fly to South America or fly across the world. You can do those things, but we only do those things. Partly one of the reasons we only do them is because we have first focused on ourselves, our relationship and our parenting and they're solid. They're not perfect. They're solid. And that gives us the power and the ability for you to go do things like this without it.

meaning the family falls apart or our relationship falls apart. Right. And that's, I think that's a fundamental important lesson there. If, if our marriage was struggling or if any of our children are struggling, I wouldn't be going anywhere. Right. It's only because we are in a rock solid, wonderful position in our marriage and our family and each of our children, we're in such a great place that we're able to go do that. Okay.

And I think that's part of my message at least is like getting yourself and your family, your life so dialed in that you can getting in. Some of you are phenomenal business people. And one of your responsibilities is funding missions like this, like making donations so that we can go out and others can go out and make a difference. And then some of you are going to want to be there boots on the ground. Great. Get yourself ready.

And then some of you are going to help in different ways. But and help, we must an ethical responsibility. But you're right, we have to get. Yeah, the noblesse oblige like our own nobility obligates us to be generous and kind to make a difference. But we have to get ourselves in a good spot. So let's let's that's what we want to talk about today is making some shifts and changes in your.

Rachel Denning (32:58.253)
family interactions. So they're actually fantastic. And it's interesting that the little things can be so off that it's a struggle even just to spend time as a family. So we've had multiple experiences and conversations recently. And that kind of was what led to this topic of, I've spoken with multiple men, I think in the last,

I don't know, six to eight weeks. It's come up again. It's come up before, but it's come up again. Men, like when they talk about just having enough freedom to spend more time with their family, many of them are like, well, what would I do? If I spent more time with my family, what would we do? They don't even know what to do with their family. And then sometimes they don't want to. And as you dig into a little bit, you're like, oh, man, like.

Many men don't know how to spend time with their families. They don't know how to be with their wives and children. Because they imagine it looks like maybe things they don't like to do. Sitting around listening to your wife talk endlessly. You're like, wait a minute, if I spend more time with her, like, it's just... She's just gonna talk to me, wait, or... Yeah, and like, yeah, I gotta go to work, babe. Or sitting with your kids.

playing some game you're not interested in, just to spend time with them because... Or they're fighting and you're like, wait, more time with my kids means more time with me listening to them fight with each other. Right. No thanks, dude. I don't want more of that time. No, you're right. And since when a man turns 18, 19, 20, whatever, he either gets an education or goes into work. And so that's what he's known. That's what he's familiar with. That's what he's done.

and he spent the bulk of his time, right? If you got, you're working eight hour days or whatever, that's the bulk of your time has been spent in some kind of work, some kind of business. And that's, as you become familiar with and it, if we're not careful, we think we end up just defaulting into thinking, well, that's, that's life. That's my responsibility. That's my role. That's how things are. I'm here to work. Well, and, and part of that irony is that many of your clients,

Rachel Denning (35:21.037)
come to you because they have done that and they've succeeded at it. They've done very well at it, but they're lacking meaning and purpose and fulfillment in their life. And part of what you're talking about is we'll spend more time with your family and they're saying, what does that look like? How? It's not fun. We take our vacations and I can't wait to get home and get back to work because our family vacation sucks. Right. Or our evenings are terrible or they're just empty. They're not fun or we're bored out of our minds together. It's more like torture.

Or along with this idea on the other side of it is in my 28 day challenge, there's multiple layers, of course, you, your marriage parenting, and in the parent, the marriage challenge, one of the things is to plan a getaway with your spouse and to go on dates every week. Well, I've heard from, you know, feedback from the women in my challenge is that we did a getaway and I was actually bored. Like we didn't even enjoy spending time together.

Because mostly we fight about the kids or whatever. And so when they're not around to fight about, now what do we talk about and what do we do? Like it was just boring. Or I've heard about dates, you know, well, okay, we've gone on dates, but he doesn't like to do what I like to do. And I don't like to do what he likes to do. And so we either do his day or we do my date, but when it's my date, he's not having fun. And when it's his date, I'm not having fun, you know? So how do we actually have dates?

that are fun together, you know? And in the parenting ones where you say, well, let's go do things with your kids, you're like, oh, that was terrible. They were fighting. It was boring. It was empty. Another example actually was a couple of wife did plan a getaway, and they went away and had an amazing time. It was great. She hated coming back because the kids were fighting. So now they had a great time by themselves, but then when they come back to the kids, it's

because it's not fun, because they're fighting and you don't want to be around them because they're annoying. And then we've also heard, you know, young moms. They wanted so much to become a mom and now that they are, it's miserable because it's nothing what they imagined it would be like, you know? And so all of these pieces are ultimately, how do we have enjoyable,

Rachel Denning (37:49.613)
happy, desirable family relationships, the ones where we actually want to be together and want to do things together. Our family life, I think, is very unique, but ultimately it illustrates that this type of thing is possible because we spend, except for situations like this when we're apart, you know, on opposite sides of the Atlantic Ocean, otherwise we spend basically...

24 seven together. We all work, you and I work it from home. The kids all do school from home. So we're all here together all the time. And we can honestly say, we don't get sick of each other. We actually love it. And we want to spend more time together. We're constantly wanting to spend more time together. In fact, while dad was gone, well, while I was gone, and then while you were gone, all of the kids are just like,

When are they going to be back? We want them back because they love spending time. And we're talking about our teenagers, not to mention the younger ones, of course, but the teens and the young adults. We actually have young adults here with girlfriends and they want to spend time with us. They're like, when are they going to be back so we can hang out, so we can have fun and do things together. And and so if if in your life,

you're struggling to be around each other or you're bored with each other or there's some emptiness. If it's not awesome, I want to invite you to consider that as a symptom and a sign that there's some more development that needs to take place. There's some growth, some refinement, some strategic... Paradigm shifts. Yeah. Well, you're shifting your perspective or paradigm, your mindset.

and your actions and your habits and your attitudes and your skill set, right? You've maybe reached the limit of your relationship building skill set and it's empty. And Rach, as you were telling me about and telling us right now about those couples that they either like they're bored or they can't do a date or a getaway. My immediate thought is, man, as soon as the kids are gone, that couple is going to get a divorce.

Rachel Denning (40:15.373)
Like they have no relationship. And that is so sad to me. And we've heard that. And the reason I say this, because I've heard this so many times, like they kind of, you know, while they're raising the kids, they had something common to work on. As soon as the kids were gone, they realized we don't even know each other. We don't even get along. We don't even like spending time with each other. And so they either tolerate each other in misery or they just separate because they're like, who are you?

And why are why are we together and we don't like the same things we don't do the same thing. They haven't grown together. So are the whole point of this particular episode is we wanted to invite you to evaluate your your whole family dynamic. So the marriage first and then with the kids and find out like do you like being together? And what do you do? So.

And there's layers, there's tons of layers of this. And share some skills, some strategies, some approaches for actually making this something that's enjoyable because we are very intentional about all of this. It's not like we just, oh, we're lucky and we just happen to have met the right person and had all the right kids so that we love being together, lucky us. No, we've been very intentional about developing and

and structuring the type of family culture where this is what it's like, but not because of luck, but because of intentional effort and work. Exactly. And so it's inside the layers of it all. It's enjoying being with each other, but also enjoying what you're going to do together. And so it's meaningful and purposeful because I.

There's some, some clients are like, yeah, I love you and my family. Um, but, you know, and then we get talking about, and then they're like, yeah, you know, but after about an hour or two, like, you know, I got it. I got to go do some work. I gotta go do something. I'm like, oh, that's interesting. I'm like, what's, what's happening during that hour or two, you know, and what, what you realize is some, some people, and there's so many varieties here in so many different situations, but some people, they just, they're, they're together and it's okay, but it's, it's empty. There's,

Rachel Denning (42:36.557)
There's no meaning, there's no purpose, there's no adventure, there's no challenge, there's no fun. It's just like, yeah, we're just together and it's nice, but okay, now I need to do something. Which I actually understand that way of thinking because I am personally a very ambitious person and someone who likes to be productive. So I like to be productive with my time. And I can imagine for a lot of people if they think, oh, spending time with your family, that means this unproductive,

hang out, do nothing type time, that's not what we're talking about because I also don't like doing that, right? So as we're thinking about this and thinking about strategies and approaches, I think one of the underlying approaches that we take to creating this family culture where we enjoy being together is that you and I take our personal ambitions and turn them into family ambitions, for lack of a better phrase, right? We take things that we're personally interested in,

Make that a fun activity that we do as a family one thing, you know I love learning and reading and studying things and so we have a morning devotional every day and I love it because I get to read things I'm interested in to my kids and We get to talk about things and turn it into a discussion and have this fun time like that It's honestly something I love doing because I love reading things and I love sharing that with my family now

It's important to point out that they like it too. It's enjoyable. It's not you living your life and everyone else is forced to come along and just do what mom likes. Now they are not necessarily all 100 % as interested in it as I am, but I allow, and again, coming down to strategy and all of this and developing yourself, I share my passion and interest in it.

And I allow them to see that so that it becomes more interesting because they're like, oh, mom's actually really excited about, why is she so excited about the Reformation or, you know, the most recent thing we're just reading about? Why is that interesting to her? And as part of that, I share my own thoughts about it and my own feelings about it so that it's more interesting than me just dryly reading from some book. I'm actually having a philosophical discussion with my children, even if they can't fully engage in that.

Rachel Denning (45:02.317)
they're seeing it model and then you and I will get into it, you know, if whatever. And so we're modeling for them what this looks like and then we're creating this culture where now because we've done that for, you know, decades, our older children, just the other day you actually weren't here, you know, we were watching something with Jordan Peterson and we were able to have these meaningful deep discussions that are fun and we love it and you know, that's.

part of what we do together as a family because we have generated this culture of talking about things and having discussions. And so it's not just, oh, let's sit down and, I don't know. Be together. Be together and maybe we'll play a game. You know, you and I are not big game players. We will play games with our kids, but it's not just that type of activity where we're enduring it because we're supposed to spend time with our fam. Right.

We are very intentional about bringing the things we love to do to the activities with our kids. And doing some of the things they love to do. That too. And being fully engaged. So I don't like playing games. But like board games. Right. But I do. And when I do, I get I'm all in. I go and we play games because some of our kids like to play games. And so we do it. Right.

The kids will plan trips. They want to see something, experience them, do something like, hey, let's go. Let's go do it. And I'm all in. We have a blast. Well, I think even the working out is another great example, especially for you, because that's something you've always been very passionate about. And so you have just made working out kind of this family activity. It's not just you, I'm going to go work out now, you know, and you go off by yourself. You've made it a thing that we do as a family. And so they love to do it.

together and so it's again, it's the way we're spending time together doing something that you love doing and I've learned to like doing and I was I was purposeful about that because exercise and fitness was so important to me in such a formative part of my life and I wanted our family to be fit and healthy and Rachel was not interested in fitness or health or you know working out married when we got married and I was like man I'm not like

Rachel Denning (47:22.541)
I'm not going to let that infect my children. Exactly. Like my kids, if I just go to the gym and work out because I want to stay fit, then my kids will just stay home and in all likelihood, they'll just end up being less active like their mother. And I'm like, I'm going to end up with a bunch of introverted, unhealthy, inactive, inactive little uncoordinated quads. Yeah. You throw a ball and it hits them in the face.

I can't do it. I'm like, that is unacceptable. Right? So I'm like, how am I going to work out? So my workouts were deeply inconvenient. They had little kids. I'm like, you know what? No, I'm going to work out my workout hard with them. I'm going to make it fun. I'm going to make it so attractive that that like it's, they're going to think this is the raddest thing ever. And they do get up and we have fun pushing hard.

So for years and years it was, I would put them on my shoulders and I would do air squats. I'd let them climb on my back. I'm just cranking out pushups and they loved it. So their association with working out was them playing on me like a jungle gym while I'm getting an insane workout in. Right. And you know, there are times they still remember laughing about this where we were on the border of Mexico and Belize and it was just hot and humid and we were doing like P90X workouts.

And they called me the rain cloud because I was sweating, dripping everywhere. You know, you're running in place and water's flying everywhere. And they're like, all right. And, and we have all these associations of their entire life of me working out hard and they kind of participating playing for fun. And I never pushed them hard. I just always invited them to join. And so they'd do a little bit and be like, Oh, that hurts. That burns makes my muscle sore. I'm like, Oh, that's fantastic. We love sore muscles. That's great.

So now we're to a point where, okay, here's what our mornings look like. We wake up and we all do kind of our personal morning routine. We're doing our personal thing. So, but this is what's so cool as I, as I walk out in the morning and all the teams are sitting around the kitchen table or on the couch and they're all reading. Every one of them has a book. Even the guests who are staying with us, you walk out and they're all in a book and it's just quiet and they're feeding their minds. And then.

Rachel Denning (49:46.797)
we will run down to the beach, take the dogs and run down to the beach, come back. And then we all go up on our roof. We have a big terrace roof with a workout room and we hit the weights hard, you know, with some workout music and we're having a great time. And so we're reading together. And then we have breakfast and do my intellectual devotional that I love. And so we're having a discussion. So, so we spend these long mornings together, reading, working out.

going to the beach because we are we'll go to the mountains or wherever we are eating healthy food together. So making meals together, cleaning up together, having great discussions together. We spend all this time and it's meaningful. It's fulfilling. It feels good and productive personally. Like I'm doing something with myself. I'm not just wasting time. We're not just sitting here. We're not just sitting here together in the same room going, Oh yeah, we're spending time as a family. Right. We're like, we're.

every one of us is moving forward in life individually and together. And we love it. Right. And then we go on adventures, we go surfing, we go paddle boarding in the caves, we go exploring other cities. So even while I was gone, you guys went over to Spain, they went surfing, they went into these caves, had these big epic adventures together. And we do it with me when I'm around. And if I'm not, they still they still did it. Right. Right. So we're living a phenomenal life together.

And I think maybe that's the way to describe what we're talking about here is you guys you have to learn you have to get the knowledge and the skills and cultivate the ability in the relationship to live a phenomenal life together not just be together not go through the motions of spending time with family not checking the box and enduring each other like really engaging and Rachel I went on a double date with her friends last night. We loved it. We had great food.

live music, sitting by a little fire in the restaurant and had great discussion. And whether we're with friends and another couple or it's just the two of us. Or if we're with our kids. With our kids. It's that type of experience that we're living and enjoying. I think I was just thinking while you're talking, there's a couple of things that our two youngest have said lately that I think embody the culture that we've created that.

Rachel Denning (52:10.477)
has come from being intentional. You know, they're seven and nine. And speaking about the workout, this was before you left for your trip. We were all up there working out and our seven year old came up and she just got enough, you know, so she wasn't there for the whole thing, but she came up and she did some pushups. And then she said, I wanted to quit because my arms were tired, but I kept going. And, you know, she just knows like.

That's what you do. You get up, you go up, you work out and you push yourself because that's what it's about. It's about pushing your limits. I remember that moment. You guys, proud dad moment. Yeah. Her form was perfect. Yeah. And she was cranking them out. She's seven. She must have done 15 or 20 perfect form pushups. I was like, this is amazing. She's tough. And that's it. She's embraced already.

The the Denning family culture right and then the other thing with our nine -year -old I think this was what this was while you were gone or maybe you were here because she will you do your habits of for excess for a successful life class and For all of our teens that are here They're in the room with you and she often will listen in and I think after one of the classes where I don't know what you had talked about But you know the usual sort of stuff

She was in here talking to me and thinking, and you can see her little mind going, thinking of things, and she's like, you know, because this is what our family's like, I just know that there's some things I need to change. And I think one of them is I plan one day to be like dad and to give up candy, to never eat candy. Because, you know, we don't have any candy, but sometimes when we go out and people give me candy, I eat it.

But one day I'm gonna not do that. And it was just so cute, our little mind going like understanding that yeah, I like the candy and I wanna eat it, but one day I can just give that up, you know, because that's a part of our family culture. And so it's just so cool to see them understand this and embrace it and fully take on the...

Rachel Denning (54:29.741)
culture of the family that we've been intentional about creating and the intentionality is what one makes us enjoy spending time with each other because we're not just sitting around whatever we're actually we're doing things we want to do essentially that's and it has to begin there because part of you think well I don't want to just do the things I want to do because my kids won't want to do that.

Yeah, I think that's partly true, especially for us. We started young like we started when our kids were small. So it's just been something they're used to happening. And if you didn't do that, it's going to be a little bit harder. There's going to be but it's still easy to find common ground. Yeah, it is. You just have to be more creative. Be like, hey, what's something we can all do that we enjoy? And there's a little give and take always. Yeah. You know, some of the kids are like, we're going to do this. And you're like, that's you know, that's lower on my list, but let's go do it. And you go all in. Yeah. You make it great.

And then you say, here's something I know it's a little lower on your list, but it's higher on mine. Will you go to it and be all in? They're like, yeah, you did it for us. Let's do it for you. Exactly. And then, then you start really enjoying these adventures together and you're building this relationship where, you know, you, you always have to be the parents, but you can get to this place where you also love being friends with your kids. I mean, we don't, we don't, we never step away from being their parents and their mentors and role models, but man, they're our friends and I love spending time with them.

I love spending time with you, Rach. Like I never ever get tired of spending time with you. And we're living this extraordinary life together. And we do things that you love and then we do things that I love. And then we do tons of things that we both love. And the way that works, the reason it works is because we've cultivated ourselves, our relationship and our lifestyle. And that's the invitation to everybody listening.

Cultivate yourself, cultivate your relationship and cultivate your lifestyle so that you love being together, doing things you love to do. But that takes deliberate effort. Well, and it also requires you to be willing to step out of your own comfort zone because often to find common ground, you have to try new things that maybe you're uncomfortable doing. And so you have to.

Rachel Denning (56:50.349)
Embrace that discomfort. This is one silly example that just happened this morning. You just got back from South America and you brought some ants back and So for family devotional today, I'm reading about you know to do to do History and then you come with ants for everyone to try eating, you know, and you pass them around

I actually did not eat mine. I claimed that I'm fasting still with my intermittent fasting and I didn't eat the ants. But you know, it just throws you down later. Yeah. It's being willing to try new things. And I know I'm saying that hypocritically here because I didn't try it. We try things. We try new things in the family. I just realized. Rachel gets video.

I just realized trying weird food. That's just one of like like I've tried it before I've eaten pig brains I've eaten I don't know iguana tamales I've eaten weird things and it's just for me the trade -off is not that's one of the things been there done that tried it I don't get a high out of it anymore, you know, so I feel like I can opt out but The principal nobody else at the table got a high either there was no there was no reward for eating the ants it's just

for the experience. You just do it. You're right. But it still illustrates the point that you have to be willing to do some of these different things. You know, coming back to building our relationship, you've tried things and I've tried things to help us find common ground of, oh, actually, we like doing this. We love eating sushi together. That wasn't something we started out knowing. You'd never really had it. And I'd had...

Limited amounts, you know, but together we've learned. Oh, we love having sushi We love doing that together and we found those things by you're right getting out and trying new things being willing to experiment Gosh that's everything from from sushi to sex like experiment with things it's from fun to to finances like Experiment try things see what works be deliberate

Rachel Denning (59:07.949)
I think the invitation here is if you struggle to be with your spouse or your kids, ask yourself why? What's missing? What's the missing piece? Is there not enough conversational depth? Is there not enough experience depth? Do you get bored? Do you get angry? You're frustrated? Like pinpoint the problem and then get to work fixing it.

because ladies and gentlemen, there's nothing better in life than having an extraordinary family life together, spending time together and being your best self, like enjoying each other and enjoying life. It's the best thing. Love you guys. Free Jumper.

Rachel Denning (59:59.501)
you