#248 Can I Expect MORE from my Kids Even if my Spouse Isn't Setting an Example?

Rachel Denning (00:10.478)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. We are your host, Greg and Rachel Denning. We just got back from France with our whole family. This is like the last time all of our kids together. So two of our kids had moved out, three for a little bit. And then it's just this window of time, this precious, precious short window of time. We came back. All of them were back.

sort of get engaged and start a business. And she's getting married very soon. So that's the end of having all single children. And then our son is leaving to go do missionary and service work. He'll be gone in Spain. So, so man, and our other son's going out to do sales and work. So, so this was just a wonderful time. And you guys, I've been, I have just been.

on cloud nine, even though I was sick, I was crazy sick. Um, but I have just been absolutely thrilled because it's so, but it's so precious to me. And I've, and I've always counted it years and years and years ago. I put an alarm on my phone. Uh, that said, cause I just remember like our oldest was probably nine or 10 at the time. And she's now 21. And I was like, man, they're growing up so fast.

There go. I don't want to miss this And I remember something happened. It was this Saturday. I'm like and it had just gone from Saturday to Saturday so fast I wasn't moving so fast like time is flying by so I wanted to cherish each moment so I put an alert on my On my phone on my calendar and it's gone off every week and I've looked at it every Saturday and it just says they will never be this old again and And so I've cherished Absolutely cherished my time as a dad

I love it. I love being a dad is the best. And so to have them all together was just been so awesome. And we went to France and the whole family loves France. Now, the French Alps in particular. And we tell them now we've been we've been dreaming for maybe 10 years about owning a chateau in the French Alps is this big, beautiful estate where we can host.

Rachel Denning (02:34.062)
you guys where we can have couples retreats and men's retreats and youth retreats and family retreats and that in place of healing and learning and inspiration. It's awesome. So we went and we looked, we found a place we love. We've made an offer. We found a chateau guys that we love. Okay. It's legit. It's also huge.

Like huge, huge. Like giant. Like old, many hundreds of years old. I mean. But we don't know. We don't know if we're going to get it. Well, we don't. But I'm just saying. And it also has it needs tons and tons and tons and tons of work. Yeah. Lots of work. It would be one of the biggest projects of our lives. But. Easily. Because it's so big. It's both exciting and terrifying. But we did make an offer on it. We're waiting to see if our offer is accepted.

But that's fun. I mean, it's no matter what, it was such a great time to drive from Portugal to France with the whole family and to all the way across. We went across the southern coast of Spain on the way there and the northern coast of Spain on the way back, both areas we'd never been before. And they were stunning. Yeah, it was so fun. And then to go as a family and look at the show. I mean, we've been talking about this for.

you know, most of our children's lives as long as they can remember. And then to go as a family and look at the chateau. And I mean, it took us two or three hours to tour the whole thing. That's how big it is. And it needs so much work. And we just had such a great time looking at it and talking about, Oh, we could do this. We can do that. I mean, that was just so fun. Anyways, it was worth it just for that. Even if this one doesn't work out. Right. So just the experience of pursuing your dreams and just being very open and authentic with our kids and talking about how

This is both exciting and terrifying, which the big dreams are. And to just, well, we could do this and we could do this. And the kids nonstop, we, well, we too have been nonstop. Just, oh, what about this? And, oh, what if we use that for this? And we should paint this and we should do this and we should, yeah. It's just so fun. The coolest ideas. And it's a very, very exciting, wonderful time of life. And.

Rachel Denning (04:54.894)
an important time for our children, especially the older ones now who really get what it means to chase and pursue dreams and are really making the neural, you know, the cognitive connections of like, oh, and this is how you set and achieve goals. And when you go after these big goals that are bigger than you currently are, you have to stretch for them. And we're modeling the way. Oh, big time.

It's not like, oh yeah, mom and dad just have everything down. It's like, no, we have to stretch to reach bigger goals. Which is so important and valuable for them to see. I think sometimes parents, we want our kids to think we have it all together and we don't talk about that. And you don't want to talk about it too much. Like, you know, it's just, you could, you could, you could scare them. Yeah. You could become a burden. You could overdo it, but just the right amount of like, yeah, this is, this is huge. I'm going to really have to level up in order to get this.

And for your kids to look at you and see that what respect and admiration and what modeling is showing them how they're to do it, especially when they're about to launch. They're 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. They're about to start chasing dreams and you're sitting there saying, Hey, I'm still doing it. I'm still green and growing. I'm still chasing big dreams. So when we encourage our daughter to go buy a fixer upper as her.

you know, first home with her husband and start creating her real estate portfolio. She can't be like, well, you guys aren't doing it. Right. She just said, we were like, okay, all right, we can do that. Cause we're still setting the example. In fact, we have some really, really exciting news. We also made an offer on a property here on the Southern coast of Portugal in

So far, one of our favorite, favorite areas of Portugal. And that offer has been accepted. And so very soon, that one's going down. The lawyers are drafting the papers. We're going to sign and soon we want to invite you to be our guests at these retreats. Well, this is a unique property as well. It's, I mean, obviously we're a large family, so we're looking for

Rachel Denning (07:22.381)
larger properties that can fit us. This is currently a hostel, so it has 17 bedrooms and we are going to be making it into a resort. And kind of our idea is like a world schooling type resort, like where for us, it's a world school. Or a retreat center. Yeah, a retreat center. We'll be doing retreats also, but when we're not doing retreats, having it be a place.

for world schoolers to gather and to have a community, like a community center for world schoolers in a way, because I know personally for us as a traveling, homeschooling, world schooling family, there's certain things we're always looking for. We're looking for obviously internet that works well. We're looking for desk space so we can have a space to work. We can work and the kids can study. So we have study space, right? Also part of our ideas including like a,

podcasting room or a recording room because that's always a challenge if you have a zoom meeting or you have something and you want a nice background and a quiet lighting and a quiet place exactly no echo in your microphone yeah we're gonna set that up so it's gonna be that kind of place where world schoolers and and traveling families can come digital nomads and people come and have a family reunion or really large families or a couple families are like hey

all your siblings and all of our kids and all their kids let's just go take this place. It's pretty sweet because it's on what 15 acres I think. So we obviously the kids are very excited about getting some rabbits and ducks and goats and maybe a horse you know eventually but it's just a lot of fun. I guess I'm also just so I don't even know what the word is.

So grateful and so excited. Just thrilled because for a long time we've been looking for very specific things. You know, we found some big, beautiful places, but they had tiny yards or big properties. And then there was, there was a tiny house and it was restricted on the size of the property. Yeah. Portugal is very interesting because they restrict.

Rachel Denning (09:41.485)
property size so you can't... So square footage or square meters of a property. So you could buy all these acreage and they're like, no, the maximum amount you can have is maybe 3000 square feet. I'm like, pfft, that won't even fit half our family. Yeah. So it's very strange. And so it is difficult to find larger properties and you can't, like you just plan on, you can't buy a smaller place and add onto it. That's just not an option in Portugal. Right.

And so for us to find this place, we actually found, which is crazy, we found it last year and everyone wanted it. Like the kids were like, let's get that place. And before we could do anything about it, I called and like the day before that morning, it already got under contract. But the people after a year fell through. And so now it's available again. And we're like, well, we'll just go look. But it's like saying, we'll just go look at a puppy and not get one. We went and we're like, okay, we're in love. So.

And you guys, it's one more testament to what we teach all of our coaching clients in our groups is that God and his universe are constantly conspiring in your favor. And when you put your heart on something that's a good thing and you have a noble desire and a noble aim and you're pursuing it, man, he just works it out better than you could have planned. Yeah, right.

And according to his will and timing and the details, I mean, we won't share all the details of the deal, but it worked out perfectly. I mean, like we just we drafted this dreamy, dreamy offer. Like it was a total shot in the dark. Like I didn't have any hope of being accepted and they accepted it like within a couple of hours. You got to be kidding me. This is so perfect. That's what's crazy is because.

We were looking for another place to live because we've been in this house for, I don't know, six, nine months and we haven't been happy. I haven't been happy with the house specifically. And so we were, the lease is going to be up. So we were like looking for a place and it was, it just like worked out so perfectly because we're like, oh, well, we'll just go look at this place since it's available again. And it, I don't know, for me, it just, it's like magic when it just, everything feels right. Everything's.

Rachel Denning (12:04.749)
And you're just like we'll just go ahead we'll make an offer and if it's accepted great It's meant to be you know and it was it was accepted and so we're just like okay. Yeah exciting So ready to go anyways big things coming that I hope you'll be a part of and come participate in our retreats and in our Gatherings and just all this these great things so

Um, we're going to answer a question today that it's relevant to everything we've been talking about already. So, uh, the whole idea of modeling for your children, of setting the example of pursuing your dreams so that your kids can pursue their dreams. Because the idea ultimately is ladies and gentlemen, like, how can we ask our kids to, to grow, to prepare, to do hard things, to.

level up to be their best if we are not doing it. And I get it because as adults, usually, you know, by the time your kids are hitting their adult years, you're in your late thirties, early forties, and you're thinking, well, I already did it. So, you know, almost almost this this false idea of like, I've arrived. So I'm good, man. I already paid the price. I.

These are things we hear. I got my education. I paid the price. I paid my dues. I've earned my rest. All these things. But it's ironically, it's right when your kids are finally becoming cognizant because they're not really cognizant until they're they're teens and later teens. Usually before that, they're just kind of like rolling along like, but when they finally start to notice and noticing, right. Right. And things start to really click and they start.

having the ability even because they can't do that beforehand. They really can't grasp abstract things. They can't connect the dots. So right when they just start having the ability to connect the dots mentally is when so many adults just level off and they're telling their kids, go get them kids, go do big things. The kids are looking over like, you're such a hypocrite, not realizing, you know, all the things you've already done. They they're looking at you right now. And it's understandable, right?

Rachel Denning (14:24.173)
That's what they see. What they see is right now in front of them. They haven't yet grasped that ability to see past and future. They're just, well, let's hear. And so as parents, we do our children a gigantic disservice if we level off and expect them to level up. It's not likely to happen. So we got an excellent question from a mom that we want to share and discuss because I

I think it's just spot on. She's in my 28 day challenge, which we meet live every week for coaching with this group. But we give precedence to the people that are there live. And so we answered all the questions she had emailed it in because she couldn't be there live that time. And we didn't get to it. So we said, well, we're going to go ahead and answer this question on a podcast episode. So it basically says,

I'm wondering if I can expect more from my kids than I expect from my husband. Even if we just stop right there. That is such an important question. And you listeners, answer that question. What do you think? Can you expect more from your kids than you do from your spouse?

That's a doozy. That's a doozy. Okay, keep going. Well, I want to answer it really fast. And I think the answer is yes, if you are living at the standard that you expect from your children, even if your spouse is not. Okay, but then that's good. So let's say one spouse is living the standard and the other one isn't. It leaves the kids right in the middle. So the kids just...

Simple math here. I'm not I'm not a math genius simple math kids have a 50 -50 chance they can look at one parent and and go up or they can look at the other parent and Either level off or go down true. I'll go and that's and Okay, and then let's just go with the law of gravity. Mm -hmm The down is easier. Oh, it totally is. Here's this is the reason why?

Rachel Denning (16:43.277)
I say yes because in our own family, this very scenario played out, not with the example she's asking, but in a different scenario and that specifically was related to fitness and exercise. From the beginning, which I did want to share this example. Oh, good. Go ahead. Because from the beginning of our relationship, that has been a pain point, especially on your end, I think.

I guess on mine too. Excruciating. Suffering. A torture point. Torture. I like that. It's been a torture point. And that was because Greg, from the moment I met him, was very into fitness and exercise. It was a major part of his life, especially as a teenager out on his home, from a troubled home. Like it was a lifeline for you. And for me, it's never really been part of my life. I never really...

saw the necessity of exercise, right? And so I was a strange inconvenience. Yeah, like what weird people do. Why would you do this thing? Exercise. So uncomfortable and sweaty and things. And so it was something that you always wanted from me. And I never really got why or understood. And I think because of that, you were committed to making sure that

our kids did not follow my path. So I begged and pleaded and persuaded and conjured and I tried everything. I literally tried everything to get Rachel through. And there would be periods of time when I would exercise but then I feel like I made an effort sometimes. Maybe it wasn't a lasting effort but. But I like it was and this was a torture point I'm talking about because it was so important to me and I realized like

Okay, she's not doing it. And we wanted to have a big family. And I never said anything to Rachel, but I was like, there is no way in hell my kids are gonna be lazy non -exercisers. No way. But I realized I can't force them, I can't.

Rachel Denning (18:58.445)
manipulate, I can't bribe, like it just won't work. You could name it bribe. And the bribe only lasts as long as the bribe is there and then it goes away. I'm like, I want my kids to passionately love exercise as much as I do. And not just fiddle fart exercise, like I work out, I go to the gym a few times a week and I stay in shape, not that kind of stuff. I wanted to go like all the way. And so this is where I think I would differ a little bit in your definition. You said that, you know, if one, if one,

spouse holds a standard, and the other one doesn't, then it can work. I feel like I had to go like way beyond the normal standard. I had to, because if it's just 50 -50, I had to go so far the other way that it drew them all upwards. And I knew, and this is going to be really important for a discussion today, I knew I had to make it unbelievably attractive. I had to make the thing I wanted all. So here it is, like one spouse is this way, the other spouse is the opposite, right? Just opposites. And the kids are sitting in the middle.

It's almost like that iconic scene of one parent on the other one inside the room, one on the other, and the baby's just barely learning how to walk. And each of them is calling to the kid. Like which way does the child go? Right. And, and I was like, I gotta make, because it's more effort to exercise. It's, it's more strain. It's more struggle, especially exercise hard. Like I like to exercise. We like to do insanely difficult things. I'm like, how, how in the world do you persuade a child to pick the

significantly harder thing when they're like, no, I just chill. Right. And I knew I had to win. And win not as in like a competition, but win as in I'm setting the standard. Well, I think that that's an important point to this discussion as well, because ultimately in some ways that's what it comes down to. I think all of us are going to face this in

our marriage and our relationships with our families, there are higher standards, there just are. And if one of the spouses doesn't want to live to that higher standard, it becomes more of a burden or responsibility on the other spouse to make sure that that standard is held. And that's not always easy or comfortable or fun, but it almost becomes a duty and a responsibility.

Rachel Denning (21:25.133)
And you did it in a way that it, yeah, there were times when we like, you know, we butt heads over it. Well, the only, well, the only butting heads was between us and trying to get you to do it. You were never like, don't make the kids do it or don't do that. You never discouraged it. Right. Cause you realized like, okay, exercise is the higher standard. Well, and in part because let's say hypothetically, I tried to discourage it. I mean,

you and I are always open about having a conversation. And ultimately you were going to convince me that obviously exercise, because I always knew that I could never say, oh, exercise isn't good for you or exercise is a waste of time. Like I knew logically that, yeah, of course exercise is a better way, right? So it was the higher standard. And so I couldn't, and I think that's what it comes down to if we're trying to,

hold the standard for our children, especially when our spouse does not live the standard or is doing the opposite, we have to get very good strategic and strengthen our ability. And I've talked about this a lot. We have to strengthen our ability to convince, to persuade, to influence, if not our spouse, our children. Inspire, motivate, encourage. And in some ways, and in some ways,

And I think this this probably is true too because I mean now I I do not work out to the standards of Greg Jenning like I part of it is that that's just not my that's just not me I just don't feel drawn to that I don't enjoy it I don't but I do my own exercise and I feel like I do it definitely more consistently than I ever have before and you still laugh at me when I say that. Well no well actually what I was thinking I'm like

Yes, you're doing those things and it's awesome. I love it. You're doing yoga, you're doing your walks, you're doing stuff. I love it. I'm not, I don't know if any of our kids have ever joined you in your exercise. No, but I go bust my tail in any weather, whatever. And they're all over it. They would rather work out with you. What I was going to say though, is I think that your consistency and

Rachel Denning (23:47.949)
inspiration to the kids also then inspired me to like, yeah, I'm gonna make exercise a part of my life. So what I'm trying to say is in these scenarios, like if you hold that standard and you live by that standard and you inspire your kids to live by that standard, even though the other spouse isn't in an indirect way, you also inspire your spouse to begin living that standard. Especially if you can debate,

I like to use the word argue, but it's not like an argument. Like you're arguing a position. You can articulate. You can research it. Yeah, share the research. Share what you're learning. When you can do that.

then not only are you inspiring and educating and convincing your kids, but indirectly you're also doing that with your spouse. And you're doing it in a way that's not painful to them or becoming a battle between you because it's indirect. And you're talking about why you are doing the thing. And it's important that there's no attacking or belittling. Right. I've never...

You know, told the kids, oh, mom's just a lazy sack. They just, they know. But at the same time, I mean, you have when it comes down to something, because sometimes I'll be like, oh, you're working too hard or you're, you know, maybe you need to take a little easier. And, and you are the one that can say, well, which results do you want to get? You want to listen to dad or you want to listen to mom? Now there is some, there is like,

especially with our daughters. Like there's certain things I'm learning about women and exercise that I share where, yeah, it's totally relevant and whatnot. But when it comes down to getting a specific physical result, like obviously you're the expert in that area because you have those results. Exactly. And okay, that's a fundamental piece of this discussion today. Results don't lie. So get the results. That's the first kind of credibility.

Rachel Denning (25:55.917)
but do it in a way that again is attractive and exciting, appealing. So many parents like they do their thing and they do it well and they get the results, but they make the method look so undesirable, so miserable. The kids are watching like, yeah, I can tell you have that result, but I do not want to do what you're doing because you look miserable. Yeah, well, that's a very important point because you could have very well over all of these years of being married,

done your exercise, done it every single day and paid the price and been miserable about it. But you never have like - As some burden I have to carry. I guess I'm gonna have to - I gotta work out, I gotta go hard. Set the example. No, you've always made it look like a blast and have always had fun doing it. So people are like, well, this is -

That's why they like doing it with you. Like honestly, they love doing the workouts with you. And a lot of times I like being there just to watch and be a part of it, even though I'm doing my own level of intensity, my intensity, which is not intense. It's because you make it fun. So it's like a party and they want to be a part of that, even though it's hard, uncomfortable, sweaty, miserable. Like they're doing hard work. They're not messing around here.

And they're not there just dilly -dallying, fiddle -a -darting around. They're all the way in. It's awesome. Now, to be fair, not all of them participate at the same level, and not all of them have always participated either. There's also been. Because they go through every stage. Yeah, they go through each stage. Every child goes through these stages where they want to participate a little, they want to watch a little bit, they're not sure if it's worth the effort.

They go through all that and I never, I never ridicule. I always encourage, I always invite, always make it fun to be there. If they come and do something, wow, way to go. That's fantastic. Let's go. And that's it. And, and because I did that and did it tactfully, it worked. I want to give some other examples. So people aren't just thinking it's, it's health and fitness. Um, some, you know, maybe it's healthy eating or one spouse eats well and the other spouse eats garbage. Right. Um,

Rachel Denning (28:14.765)
I hear that often. I'm going to just share some of the ones that you and I hear off the eating difference. Like, Oh, my spouse eats all this garbage goes all this junk, puts powdered sugar on everything, drinks soda endlessly. But right. And so there's the difference. Another one is one spouse reads books. The other one is watching TV or playing video games. I mean, clearly one is a higher standard. And so you're like, well, your kids can read it and watch TV. Right. Are they going to play real games? Are they going to get outside and adventure? Are they going to play virtual games? And.

just sit there like bumps on a log and live in this pretend world. Well, clearly there's a higher standard. One could be selfishness versus selflessness. Another one just spending frivolously. Another one, you know, having a budget and investing. I'm just trying to go through. Well, I mean, specific to the question, which we haven't been reading. Yeah, let's just hit it. Which...

She says, my husband has ADHD, so he quote, gets distracted easily and spends hours a day looking at news stories with his phone. Oh, that was another one I wanted to do. So, you know, looking at the phone, scrolling, screen time, whatever, versus somebody who's engaged and fully present. Well, or to me, the opposite of, you know, just scrolling on a phone is like being.

productive and creative and actually making things, building things, paint. I mean, I don't know. There's so many things you can do with that time to develop a talent. You can learn an instrument. You can paint a picture. You can build something out of wood. Like there's so many hobbies and activities that I think are no longer being engaged in by people because of tech. Because of tech. They're spending time scrolling on a phone with getting those dopamine hits by, you know, new content.

but missing out on the real world of actually living in it and building and creating in it. A couple more examples that are related to this. One could have what's called a fixed mindset and the other could have a growth mindset and the growth mindset is the higher standard. So your kids are in between that. Another could play the victim and they blame everybody, blame the circumstances, always making excuses. The other one takes full ownership for their life and the kids are stuck in between. Which one?

Rachel Denning (30:35.629)
Which ones are the kids going to follow? I mean, that's the big question here. Before we move on with the question, I want to address this, this idea of ABD or ADHD. Oh wait, I want to say one more thing on here. Okay. Really fast because we have to point out that this is a long game. I mean, everything we're talking about, it's not going to be tomorrow. You decide I'm going to live by the higher standard and my kids are going to follow suit and it's done. No.

It's a long game. I mean, the whole thing we're talking about with you and the example of exercising, it's something you've been going at for 20 years, you know? But yes, you're right. 100 % you're right. It is a long game. But don't get discouraged thinking you have to wait for results. You can start seeing results right away. Yeah, absolutely. But it is 100%. It's a long game. But that being said,

Like I love to say, you know, you can't change your destination overnight, but you can absolutely change direction overnight. And if you change direction and you make it look so attractive and appealing, you'll start seeing results immediately. And I mean, this is another key piece to it, I think, because what we've done and do that when you see the smallest movement in the direction that you want, you praise and encourage it. And I mean, we do that. We've done that with all the kids and we do it still.

You know, we're up there working out and if our seven year old comes up and does five pushups, we're like, we're celebrating. I mean, we are praising her. Like she's just, you know, done a huge feat. And because she has in the fact that she's taking the first steps of her own accord, especially to move in that direction of lifelong. Health and fitness. Yeah, health and fitness. So, so that's the other key too, is, you know, when your kids put down the phone and they're doing something else, like encourage that.

the heck out of that. Like that is big. And so pay attention to those things and praise those things more and notice them more and explain why you love it so much. And it doesn't have to be derogatory towards your spouse. Like, hey, yeah, your dad, he spends all day on his phone, but look at you making something and building stuff. You're way better than he is. Yeah. That's terrible. It's not like that. It's just like, oh my gosh, that is so awesome. I love it when you're doing real world activities. I love it when you're painting and creating.

Rachel Denning (32:58.477)
And which is a strategy we use all the time with our kids to encourage non -device activity. Now it doesn't mean they're never on a device, but we encourage more of the other by praising that. We never are like, and in, you know, on the other side of that, we rarely will be like, what are you doing? I mean, we'll point it out. We're not gonna like make it a huge battle to be like, why are you on your phone? I wanted to address that very thing. One.

One way parents fail is by giving tons of negative energy and attention to bad behavior and very little positive energy and attention, if any, to good behavior. It might be like, oh, hey, good job for that. And then when they do something like, well, I can't believe you. What do you think? Why do you do that? You're wasting your life. And we give all this stuff to that. And guess what gets the most? We are inadvertently enforcing the very behavior we don't want. Exactly.

So I will often ignore the behavior I don't want and then try to direct my attention and energy to the behavior I do want, whether I can direct it in a moment by saying, oh, hey, do you want to get out some paints and do some painting? Or just waiting until they move on. Now, that doesn't mean I can't interfere and be like, hey, you've got 10 more minutes on that device, right? But that's my approach as opposed to some sort of angry outburst. I'm like, hey.

What are you doing on there? You've got 10 more minutes and then you need to get off. And if you build, um, relationship capital, so to speak, if you have a great relationship with your kids and, and they respect you because of who you are and how you're living your life, then you can make some demands and you can occasionally say, Hey, you know what? Everybody put those devices down. We're not, we're not doing that. Or we're doing a device fast. We're getting rid of things and they're like, Oh, and you're like, Nope, put it away. Cause we're going to, we're going to do something better. But if you're like,

everybody put it away. We're going to sit here and read from this textbook I found from my college days. Like, Oh, my eyes out with a spoon. I'd rather have my teeth pulled like, come on. But if you do something awesome and you have some capital and they respect you and love you and honor you, they're like, I'm going to listen because you have some capital, right? But you have to build up that calf capital by making investments by being awesome. Yeah. Okay. So I got to address the ADD because.

Rachel Denning (35:25.197)
Even in the question, it's the inference here is that it is a it's a problem. It's a disorder. So ADD ADHD, that last D is disorder. When we went to see some brain specialists for our oldest daughter, the specialist who studies brains for decades and has tens and tens of thousands of brain scans. Well, I'm from the Amen Clinic, who he's one of the best brain.

This is world renowned in brain science, right? And she said, well, no, half of the population has Hunter's brain. Sometimes called ADHD or ADHD. And she said, she's like, well, it's mislabeled. People think it's a disorder. People think there's something wrong with them. And she's like, it's not a disorder. There's nothing wrong. It's just a different type of brain. Half of the population has.

this active brain that needs more stimulation and activity and, and, you know, behaves differently than the other half has different brain. So if you, if you take one brain and try to force it to operate like the other, what's going to happen? It, it's going to misbehave and backfire and have it. The person will have quote behavioral problems.

Because that brain doesn't function like the other brain. It's really silly to try to force it one way or the other. It's like somebody who grew up reading and speaking Arabic from right to left. Left to right? In English, we go left to right. In Arabic, they go right to left. And what if somebody goes, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, this is English, but you need to start at this side of the page and read backwards. And the kid's like, I can't. No, no, no. Start at the right side.

This is how you read. You read from right to left. And they're trying to force them to read English backwards. It's not going to work. It would be totally incomprehensible. And eventually, there's going to be some behavioral problems, if you catch what I'm saying here. So you have half the population that has under -sprained. And I'm really in the camp, you guys, that ADHD and ADD are just labels, really essentially a victimism and a fixed mentality. We're trying to use it as a crutch. We're trying to use it as a way out. So.

Rachel Denning (37:46.477)
Read that section again and let's reframe it as, oh, he has this. And we use the little acronym because it doesn't sound as bad. If you were to rewrite this and say, my husband has a mental disorder. You're like, what? No, he doesn't. He actually has some bad habits. That's it. So reread it. My husband has ADHD, so he gets distracted easily and spends hours a day looking at news stories with his phone. Boom. So.

tons of people get distracted easily. I mean, the ability to focus is, is reserved among like 1 % of the population. Focus is challenging. Most people are easily distracted hands down, especially the half of the population with Hunter's brain. So it's not a disorder. It's something that has to be addressed with strategy and habit. And then he says he's constantly looking at his phone. That's, that's just look around, man. Go out in public, stop at a stoplight and look around.

Everybody's got their phone out at a stoplight, go to a restaurant, sit on an airplane, go anywhere. People are on their phones. It has just become a really, really bad habit. And that can be fixed with strategy. And then getting on the news, the news, um, the new thing is again, it's, it's a strategic addiction. The news uses shock and awe and fear to.

produced cortisol in our bodies and people automatically get addicted. Anybody, huh? Hunter's brain or not gets addicted to cortisol and fear and shock and awe. And so they want to have the news all the time. Oh, what's happening? I wonder what's happening. I'm gonna see what's happening. And they make it sensational like that. They can't even tell a nice story like tonight, tonight on our show, we're gonna talk about this one lady. You're like, oh my gosh. If they were just like, yeah, you know, randomly there was this lady then did this and nobody would pay attention because there's no like scary music and

Seem and go and you notice they never smile. It's just it's the same. Anyways, so it's this. I don't I don't see a disorder here. I see the normal bad habits, right, which almost always come about because we as human beings and I'm going to speak for men, we as men are not pursuing something great. If you have if he has a big exciting goal.

Rachel Denning (40:09.005)
something challenging, something invigorating, something that makes his soul sing. There's no way in the world he's going to be sitting around on his phone idly and watching the news. Anybody got time for that crap? Why would I watch that garbage or listen to it all when I'm living my life? Why would I sit there looking on my phone when I've got cool things to do?

Right. And so if a man doesn't have a challenge, if he doesn't have adventure, if he doesn't have what I call dumb goals, the acronym DUMB, demanding, unrealistic, meaningful, and bold, he doesn't have something to fight for. He doesn't have something noble and great that stirs his soul. Well, yeah, of course he's just numbing himself to death. Right. Like my life sucks.

I go to job, I don't know this specific guy, but this is very common. You guys go to jobs they hate. They've been going forever and just paying the bills and they come home and unfortunately wives nag and kids misbehave. And they get no respect. They get no respect at home. And this isn't to say the wife's the problem or vice versa. It's just very common. Very, very common.

And so, well, no wonder. You're just kind of like, oh. And you're just literally trying to escape. You're trying to numb out. You're trying to escape. You're just trying to avoid. There's there's stuff. The garage is a mess. The closet, the light switch is still broken. The closet disaster. The car needs repair. And you're like, I'm just going to get on my phone. Oh, I got to catch the news. Let me catch the news. And you're you're not even living at that point. You're.

You're just not dying. You're just existing. This humdrum existence of watching. And then you watch the sports a lot and you're what you're living vicariously through them and they're having their, you know, their hero's journey. You're watching a lot of movies and TV and Netflix and in what are you doing on your phone? You're you're looking at like YouTube stuff or. You know, Instagram, Facebook, whatever you're just watching other people. Pretend to live to. Yeah, that's pretence. Well, and it doesn't.

Rachel Denning (42:35.885)
help of course that you know I mean this is one of the problems with our society at this time and it is a Western world thing that we give these labels like oh you have ADHD which in a way I'm not totally against labels because labels can be helpful in pointing out a problem or classifying something or helping you to understand something better but the problem with a label is when it becomes an identity.

And so he may very well have taken on this identity of, oh, I have ADHD and so I get distracted. So what can I do? Like I can't live a great life. I can't do great things. I can't do important things because I have ADHD. He's going to play the victim. When the truth is, that's a lie. It's a lie. Because in fact, the reality is many people who have ADHD have created incredible lives and it has been an advantage to them. It has in fact given them an advantage.

because of the way their brain works to be able to accomplish things that other people could not. Absolutely, 100%. Having the hunter's brain is often a competitive advantage. It gives you an edge. Yes. Yep. So that's where it's got to stop right there. Like stop playing the victim. And I do, you guys, I get to do this every day and I coach men every day. And I have personal coaching clients, many of whom have hunter's brain and you know, in my group and you know, you come to me like, yeah, but I have this. No way. We're not even gonna.

play with that label or that victimism or using excuse. It's like, we just have to get more strategic. Right. You have to set up strategies to face that obstacle that you have. Exactly. Like, let's set up systems. Let's set up habits. Let's set up strategies. And within a very short time, most of the men that I've worked with over the last decade will have a hard time staying focused. Will spend too much time on their phone.

and often are getting caught up in the news or politics or whatever. So this is not uncommon. This is probably the most common story I hear. Right. Well, and the funny thing is I just remembered an experience with one of your coaching clients where I remember you started coaching him and he was trying to increase his income and you'd be checking in with him. And one of the things he said, he said, Oh gosh, well, I got distracted on YouTube and I was watching YouTube videos for like two hours today. And you, and you said to him,

Rachel Denning (44:57.197)
How did you get on YouTube? And he's like, oh, my notification went off and then I just look at it. And that strategy right there, you told him, you said turn off your YouTube notifications now. There's no reason those should be on. He did that one thing and it changed everything. Like he suddenly now wasn't spending two hours a day on YouTube because he turned off his notifications. Who knows? Maybe that would be the answer to this problem. The husband decides.

Oh, I'm turning off my news notifications. I would almost guarantee right there. I was a betting man. There's a bet that he's got news notifications. Turn those suckers off and done. So that right there is the problem. It's the strategy. It's the system. It's the fact that he has notifications going off on his phone. People probably don't realize this because they don't know it, of course. One of the strategies we use to be so productive in our lives, which we are, and we've talked to our kids.

We don't have notifications on. There are very few things, if any, that we get notified about. Like automatic for us, don't allow notifications. We just do not allow them because that is sabotaging your life. You're literally handing your life over to the notifications on your phone. Yep. And so it's, yeah, sabotage is the right word. And you're, you're living the irony is when you step back, like whose agenda are you living? Right. Well, you're.

You're living whatever notification pops up. You're in their agenda, their world. They're controlling what you do with your time and your day. Yeah, absolutely. So it's not a disorder, he's not a victim. It's a lack of systems and strategy that'll change all of that. Yeah. So I want to read the rest of this and then I have some more to say about it. But my husband hates nagging, obviously. Most men hate nagging. Every man does. Every man. Okay. Every man needs nagging. Every man fears and despises a nagging wife. Yes.

I realized early in our marriage and we have argued many times in the past about me wanting to expect more of him Okay, hot. Ooh, okay. I got I got a little bit Yeah, yeah Tired of arguing I got to the point of leaving him alone However, my kids need to learn good habits So I wonder if I can do the work with them despite my husband's negative habits 100 % you can totally do the work and get the results what we talked about before 100 % you can totally do it if

Rachel Denning (47:24.781)
If he does nothing or conversely somebody else, she does nothing. You can 100 % create the results you want. We've done it. And we are example. I've helped others do it. You can be the tide in your family, even if you're the only one. Because when the tide comes in, it lifts all the boats. You can be the tide. Yes. And at the very least you at least reduce the odds of say all of your children falling in those bad habits and

you know, if it's a 50 -50 chance or whatever, you're, you're increasing the odds and you're increasing the chance that at least some of your children are going to fall on your footsteps instead of his. Absolutely. So you set the standard, you hold the standard, you do not nag, you do not manipulate, you don't get all, cause even if let's say you hold the higher standard and you got the results, but you're constantly like, then they're going to hate that so

badly, they're not going to want to be anything like you or go anywhere near that thing because you are a nag about it. You become so unpleasant or so arrogant or so whatever. They look at that and they'll they literally will associate success in that area with you being rotten, irritating, irritating. And so they'll say, I'm never doing that because my, my mom or my dad was so irritating with that thing. It will totally backfire.

You have to hold the standard and like be genuinely happy and successful. That's the only way to win. Right. Detached from whatever it is they do. And going back to our example that we gave, I mean, that was another key, I think, in making it even to this point where it's something we can talk about because you became detached from the outcome. You stopped, not that you stopped caring because of course you care. You stopped trying to control.

the outcomes that I was getting in exercise. And so you backed off in a way, leading out with an example, leading out with positivity, leading out with getting results, but without controlling my outcomes or my results, that gave, that's another piece to giving space for me to then make my own decision.

Rachel Denning (49:44.493)
for me to say, okay, well wait a second, what is it I actually want? Because of course when I sit right down and think about, well yeah, I wanna be healthy, I want to be fit, I want to live a long life. So obviously I have to integrate fitness into my life if I wanna be able to do that, right? So it gives me this, because too often that's what's happening I think, is that we're making it so much a battle, me versus you, that there's nowhere for me to have the space to think about, well what is it I really want?

Because maybe in your quiet moment, his quiet moments, your spouse is like, yeah, I don't want to be scrolling on my phone all the time. I actually would like to be pursuing something great, but I don't I can't I can't ever have that position because then I'm proving my wife is right. I'm always so defensive. Yeah, I'm on the defensive. If you're on the and you guys know this, when you're being defensive or rebellious, you actually say and do stupid things that you yourself disagree with. Exactly. It's insane. Yeah. So I want to point something out that I think was very significant in the in the question here.

And I don't know all the details. In fact, I don't even know who this is. So it's better off that way. But it hypothetically, and for all of us, I think we can relate. It's like I learned early on that he doesn't like nagging. And so after lots of fighting, I just stopped nagging. And that's a very common thing. You're like, I tried, I tried to in, you know, change behavior. It didn't work. So I stopped after lots of fights. And it's like it was either there was this one option or nothing.

And that's how most of us think. And it's unfortunate. And so I want to invite all of you to go way beyond the all or nothing or the one option, kind of the one option mentality. Like I tried nagging. It didn't work. We fought a lot. So I just stopped nagging. And now I just let him do whatever he wants to do. Right. I just settled in. I don't remember the wording of the thing, but I just kind of settled in and now he just does what he wants. And I don't say anything.

Leaving him alone. Yeah, I just leave him alone. That's not the option. So nagging or trying, you know, trying to change behavior in, in a way that comes across as nagging or manipulative, that's just one option. And it's a terrible option. There are a thousand other things we can do to influence our spouses and our children. There's so many ways. And unfortunately, we, most of us try one way and like, well, that didn't work. And so we stop.

Rachel Denning (52:13.293)
Or, you know, we keep coming back to we keep trying and trying and trying that one thing and say, Oh, just keep doing it. And it doesn't, it'll never work. It's just infuriating. You know, it'll lead to divorces or miserable marriages horrible. And so if, if the method doesn't work, try something else, and then try something else and then try something else. And by the time people try two or three things, they say and they throw up their arms and exasperation say I've tried everything. Right. It's just not working.

You haven't tried everything. If you tried everything, you'd have the results you want. If you tried everything, your marriage would be perfect. Guaranteed. You just haven't tried enough strategy. You haven't tried enough methodology. You haven't tried being more tactful, more adroit, more diplomatic. There are so many, and this is why I do this all day every day and I'm really good at it. I can get this good. If I sit down with this dude,

His little get on the phone, watch the news crap problem would be done. Well, right. There's a couple of things I want to say about that, because one of the things I've thought about and you've said as well is.

Sometimes it's not the wife's job. Oh, no. It's not the wife's job to encourage her husband to make the changes he needs to. And I don't mean that it's never the wife's job because that is part of being married. Like our job is part of being married is encouraging each other to change, refine and improve. Right. You're the best person in my life to help me know I need change. But then I think what you're going to say here, go ahead and say it.

sometimes what they really need is another man to tell them they need to grow up and show them and show them how to do it. Exactly. Yeah. Right. And men can speak to men in a way that the wife just can't. And it's it's built like that. Like Rachel's words have so much weight with me. And so she's got to be tactful with that and use them well. And they carry so much weight.

Rachel Denning (54:24.973)
And so she says things a certain way, but then another man can say, men can say things to each other. Rachel sometimes will overhear what I've said and she's like, Oh my gosh, really? Like, yeah, that's, that's just how men need to talk to each other and call each other out. And we need this community of men. So it might be the man master class and tribe, right? It's this community of good men who want to level up these husbands and fathers and businessmen and leaders and entrepreneurs.

They want to rise and they want straight talk and like, no, this is how it is. And I say it with love. I'm not I'm not cursing him out. I'm not. And I'm I throw nobody under the bus, but I'll just like call it out. Like, dude, that's pathetic. It's way below who you are and your true capability. And you they'll be the first to admit it to they won't admit it to your wife. Are you kidding me? You admit it to his wife. But in a group like that, he's going to be the first one to admit like, yeah, me sitting there looking on my phone watching the news. I'm wasting my life away.

And I feel like a schmuck. And so on his own, he's like, yeah, I feel horrible. I actually don't like myself. I don't respect myself. Kind of despise myself. And the wife's like, hey, why don't you stop doing that? Oh, all that did was just shove that salt lemon in a stab. I just shoved that knife right there because it was I was already out hurting, right? Feeling like a schmuck. And then she's like, get off your phone. Oh, ouch. But in but in.

in a master classroom coaching, you're like, let's go, bro. And I wouldn't even directly address it. I would be asking him, what is it that's holding you back from who you know, you can be as your best self. Oh man, I get on my phone too much. I watch the news. Boom. Okay. How are we going to stop that? Let's strategize. And we set up the accountability, we set the system, we end it. And like, how, what are you going to do to replace it? What do you need to be chasing? What do you need to be going after? Oh man, I used to dream about this. I used to want to do this and.

All these, okay, let's go send it. Let's earn that six pack abs again. Let's, you know, go after those big financial goals. Let's get the marriage and the kids in line. Let's, let's chase some big dreams and make them have it, make them a reality. That's what needs to be happening. And he needs to be a part of the leadership that did his primary role as King in his kingdom. He has to be leading out for his kids. Now, if he doesn't,

Rachel Denning (56:47.725)
Mom, that's on you. You carry the load, you be the tide. You help those kids set that higher standard and live by it. But, well, and it's no mom's excuse either. It's like, oh, it's the dad's role to lead. Mom can sit around and get fat and nasty and ornery and, no, that's pathetic too. That's unacceptable. Right? You have this, this co - Right. Co -leadership. Co -leadership to lead your kids to success and happiness. True success and happiness. But you have to lead them there.

which means you have to be those things. And if one of you is not, come up with every way possible to persuade and help and lead and inspire, yeah, inspire, motivate, hold accountable and get the coaching, get the tools. Is why we do what we do. You have the 20 day challenge for moms and I have the masterclass in tribe for men. That's why.

so that we get them separate and into groups where they can just be honest and open and not have all those really sensitive strings attached inside marriage. Like, let's go, man. Yeah. Well, right. So, I mean, that that is definitely a very important piece. And I think people don't fully realize that. But in order to make the most of your relationship, make the most of your life, you do need outside help and outside influence and outside coaching like.

In reality, you can't do it on your own. We didn't do it on our own. I mean, we have had so much input in the form of books and podcasts and coaching to help us get to where we are. It wasn't something we could do on our own. So that's one piece people don't realize. You have to get that. And so sometimes for men, that's the thing they need is that coaching from someone else to tell them, hey, that's not good enough. That's not what you want.

helping them make those own realizations. But on the other side of that, there are still things you can do, like you were saying, like, okay, you tried the nagging, but the nagging didn't work. There are things you can do as a woman, as a spouse, to influence, encourage, help your man to make those changes without doing it in a way that feels abrasive or, um,

Rachel Denning (59:07.565)
painful to him, feels like you're rejecting him or what other words do men hate? Well, I think the thing that just crushes a man...

is that he doesn't feel respected. We might use different words or different terms, but fundamentally that's what it is. Like, my wife doesn't respect me or admire me. You know, she doesn't trust me. Like, that is just soul crushing. Yeah, totally. And I think that's one of the reasons why nagging feels so painful is because it's...

in a way a sign of disrespect. Like, oh, you had to ask me again. Oh, you don't think I'm capable. Oh, this or that. And in honesty, this is why it hurts so bad. It's often deserved. Like if as a man, I'm sitting there. But I can't I can't finish a task. Can't stay focused on something to get done. So there's wasting my time scrolling my own phone. That's not respectable. So I'm not earning respect.

because I'm not doing respectable things. So I deserve that. And it's painful. It's hard to hear. Because it's felt as though that's what the wife really believes because she does believe that in the moment. Like here you are wasting your life or whatever. And she has to remind you to do things to have to get done. So it's doubly painful because my wife actually believes this about me that I'm incapable or not respectable or whatever. So anyways, but there are ways.

to encourage, inspire, influence your man to grow and change and develop without nagging or disrespect or all of these things that make him defensive and make him resistant to your influence. And it just, again, it comes down to having more strategy. Right. There's ways to make it easier instead of make it harder. Right.

Rachel Denning (01:01:11.181)
It's interesting how often we make things harder than they could be. Yeah. And if you just stop and say, well, what can I do to make this easier? What can I do to make him want to do that instead of what can I do to get him to stop doing that? Or what can I do to get him to do what I want? You stop and say, what can I do to help him want to make these changes? And I'll just be perfectly blunt here. Men are very visually driven and very sexually driven.

And I think it's a beautiful thing that God created in men to draw us to women and particularly to our wives. And so the vast majority of men are sexually driven and visually driven and sex is a drive. And attractiveness, sexiness is a drive. And I, most women won't understand this, but it's a drive that gets men to do.

more and be more and earn more. Right. And every year we watch at Rachel's absolute insistence. We watch the groundhog day. And so we watched it again yesterday. And that's such a phenomenal, phenomenal lesson. And he has to transform because at first he's like, Oh, I can get these easy women. And then he's like, Oh, that's empty.

And he's like, I want that woman because she's classy and she holds standards. She won't put up with any crap and she wants a true man. And so he's stuck. He's stuck in his pathetic, frustrating, ridiculous, want to kill myself reality until he transforms himself into the caliber of man that can earn the respect of the woman he respects. It is so profound, but he's still sexually driven.

And he's, he's, he's that comes out. He's just, he's like, wow, how can I get, how can I get, you know, have sex with her and drive? And she's like, no, like, I'm not easy. You've got to earn this thing. And so his drive, and this is true for men, the drive for sex, not cheap sex, the cheapest, cheapest sex is pornography. It's pathetic. The pornography and masturbation is ridiculous. And, and then, you know,

Rachel Denning (01:03:35.821)
prostitution and pain is horrible. But if you want to, if a man wants the highest form of sexual and physical intimacy, which includes the emotional, it's the deep emotional catch, like true love and admiration. Like when I think about how much I just absolutely cherish and love you, Rachel.

it draws me towards sex. I mean, that's the man's drive. And so it's actually this beautiful thing, this drive that's so instinctual and almost beast -like, animalistic drive for a woman who is so self -respecting. It's this way that men have to use it to level up. Right.

And if they just, you know, think, pursue cheap outlets like pornography, masturbation, or easy sex, then they just waste their potential and they don't become who they could become by being forced to earn it. So where I'm going with this, and I don't want to be misunderstood because it's so important. One of the best things a wife can do is to be sexy, to be healthy and fit, to take care of herself, to get dressed up, to be classy.

and and to be sexy and to draw forth the best. Yes, draw him in and give him sex. And like, I don't know. I don't know any man. Who if you're genuinely being attractive and sexy, classy and and you're inviting and enticing him, he's going to be like, no, I'm going to sit here and scroll my phone and watch the.

No way. But if you never have sex with him and you never take care of yourself and you kind of let yourself go and, and you're not being classy and sexy, attractive, you're being naggy and rude and temperamental or whatever. Again, this is all just hypothetical and in its situations we've, we've heard about many times. And he's like, well, yeah, I've lost my drive. I've lost my drive.

Rachel Denning (01:06:05.165)
Well, right, and this is why I love this movie so much. There are so many layers to this movie. This is one of them. That is ultimately the hero's journey in this movie. That he is this crass, rude, egotistical man, and nobody really likes him, but he thinks he's everything. And at first, when he's living the same day over again,

He's just giving into all those desires. He's like, oh, I can go, I can meet up with this girl. I can manipulate her. I can have sex with her. I can rob a bank. I can do anything I want. But obviously after a while that gets old and boring to the point where now he's depressed. Well, first he tries to, he realizes like what he really wants is her. He wants her because she is all of this. She's attractive, but she's classy and she has standards and she wants.

certain things in her man that she's not going to give into. And he tries again and again and again to try to seduce her within one day. He just gets slapped and slapped and slapped. Yeah, the classic scene where he just gets slapped again and again and again because she's like, no, you're not that guy. And it's just this reminder to him again and again, you're not that guy.

And then it's so beautiful what he does. He takes that same drive because it's not like it goes away. It's not like, oh, I'm not attracted to you anymore. I'm not sexually driven to you. He is, I mean, and that's the underlying thing. The sexuality is there and he takes that same drive and he uses it partly because of what she says too. They have this one night where she's like, well, maybe this is a good thing. Like you get to have, you know, eternity to make yourself better basically.

And he uses that and he starts to do that and he starts to give money to people that need it. And he starts to help people and he starts to read books and learn the piano and like improve himself. And in that very process, he becomes the iconic Renaissance man. Yeah. And he becomes the kind of guy that she wants. And that is what then breaks the spell. So it's so gorgeous. And I think if as women we

Rachel Denning (01:08:21.805)
fully understood that power that we have because we do have that power to draw our men into becoming the very best version of themselves if we one, hold the standard, but also use that natural sexiness, right? Let's use that to describe it all. That natural sexiness we have to say, this is what I want and this is what I expect and

this is what I am looking for. But in a way that draws him up. Now, you know, obviously in this scenario, they're not married, they're dating. It's a little different. And when you're married to the guy, you know, he might think, well, you know what you got, so, you know, just deal with it. But there's a way to use that natural, let's say the sexual drive, you know, because I think that this is a good analogy.

even though it plays out in ways that doesn't always look like a sexual drive, but understand where we're coming from here. Ultimately, for men, it is that sexual drive that's driving them to have ambition, to pursue goals, to pursue wealth, to pursue fitness. It's their desire to impress their woman that drives them. And I don't think that we fully realize how much that is at play.

but it really is. And so when we understand that and we're willing to participate in that natural drive, right? That's the power we have to call forth the best in our men. And we really can. It's so powerful. And so if we talk about, oh, I tried nagging, it didn't work. Well, yeah, it didn't. But what about seducing? What about attracting? What about...

whispering, you know, have you tried whispering it in his ear? And I'm being serious here, like you just have to try different things, try different approaches, try different strategies, and some of them are gonna be sexy. And you're gonna be amazed that when you do different things, you're gonna get different results. But you have to learn to work with him rather than to work against.

Rachel Denning (01:10:43.853)
his, uh, I don't know. Right. Well, yeah. Instead of fighting, fighting it, you have to fight it and use it. It's there and then follow through. Um, I know this has backfired many times where the wife's like, gosh, yeah, it's so attractive to me when my husband does this and helps with this and does these things. And so he does it. And she's like, oh yeah, thanks. And then runs off.

Now I know for a lot of women, this is annoying and bothering to them because I know it was to me because it's like, well, what am I just like this cheap prostitute trading my body for, you know, dishes done or for him to get off his phone or what? No, you're not. You're his wife. You've entered into a sexual contract with him and that sexual contract includes sex. And you may not like to hear this.

And we go off on this a lot. I know. And you know, we've done a lot of podcasts, episodes about it. So again, if you're bristling right now, go listen to the four other podcasts, episodes we've done about it. So you better understand this. But I think it's an important underlying current because I feel like, especially for men, it is always underlying. And it is an important aspect of the entire picture. Now there's a lot more at play, of course. There's a lot more that goes into it. There's...

you know, all kind of factors. But this is one underlying factor that's always there because marriage is a sexual contract that when, and I firmly believe this, like, which is why we come back to it so often, that when you get the sex right in your marriage, it's so much easier to fix everything else. Like we have a great sexual relationship, which makes it so much easier to address any other issues that come up.

because that that is solid. So that's also a key piece that if you're trying to inspire, encourage, influence your spouse, especially your husband.

Rachel Denning (01:12:56.045)
You've got to get this right. You've got to figure it out. You want to wreck a guy? Just have sex with him once a month. Twice a month. Or less. Or less. Oh man, he's going to... He's going to naturally just... Be all over the place. And in an effort, a good husband, in an effort to not cheat on his wife or not turn to porn or whatever,

He's gonna numb and avoid. He has to distract himself. So he's very often gonna turn to phone, sports, entertainment, alcohol, just anything. He has to distract himself because otherwise it is torture. He's like, I love her, I want her, I never get it. And if you don't understand this, we have a whole list of books that you should read to

better understand exactly what we're talking about. And they're in our book lists, which I'll list in the show notes. But anyways, wrap up. Yes, there are so many other good ways to influence your spouse and you should use them. And I mean, it goes that we were predominantly talking about the woman influencing the man, but it goes the other ways as well that the man needs to find all these different ways to influence his wife, to level up. Because this goes both ways and we hear it all the time. So there's just think of.

all the possible ways and strategies you could use to influence your spouse. And then 100%, the ideal is both spouses get on board and raise the kids with that, you know, the same team. That is of course the ideal, but if you do not have it, it's, you know, in some areas that you're not going to have it. If you don't have it, yes, 100%, you can. And I think you should live by and maintain that higher standard.

and make it so attractive and so easy to do that your kids are drawn up. So yes, can you expect your kids to do things that your spouse does not do? Absolutely. You can. Absolutely. You can. But you have to do it so well that they look at that and they want to. And so see it from their eyes because they have two choices. Right. And so from their eyes, like make it make it so appealing. Absolutely. I want the higher standard.

Rachel Denning (01:15:22.637)
and help them understand why and help them choose it and then help them keep it by setting up systems and strategies that make work. And again, that's why we have all these tools and strategies we've been mentioning and the courses we have, that's why we do it, to make it easy for you guys to implement these things and make it a reality. Anyways, love you guys. Thanks for listening. Glad you're here. If you have more questions, keep coming to these questions. We love them. And as always, reach out for.