#264 I'm Spread Too Thin!! How Can I 'Do It All' & Stop Neglecting the Most Important People in My Life???

Rachel Denning (00:10.254)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. We are your host, Greg and Rachel Denning. Today, sadly, we are apart across the Atlantic Ocean from each other, but we're still going to record and share an awesome and relevant message with you guys and talk about today about how to do it all. Being spread too thin. Yeah. How to do it all, quote unquote, even though...

You can't really do it all, but we'll talk about how to do more, be more effective at it. And how do you, how do you take care of your spouse? Well, no, how do you take care of yourself first? How do you take care of your spouse and your children? And then if there's a lot of children, like some of you have big families and then your other duties and responsibilities, your work, your church, your

passion, your interests, your hobbies. Like there's so much going on. How do you do it all? Without getting burnt out? Without being overwhelmed all the time? So there's a lot to talk about. This is good. I hope you have some answers because this is something I would love to hear from you. You've been wondering the same thing? How to do it all? I've been wondering the exact same thing. Like how do we do this? No.

That's actually one thing that you and I have figured out and dialed in. So we can relate, first of all, we can totally relate to this because we were there. And for those of you who are new to us, we have seven children. We have multiple businesses that we're running, multiple investments that we're managing. And to top it all off, we love, like crazy love international travel.

take our whole family and wander around the planet. And that adds a lot of logistics and there's a lot going on. So we're trying to figure it all out and manage it all. And like how? Because the vast majority of human beings, they put their attention on like whatever kind of is hurting, they get a pain point. And so they put their attention on it. And then that thing starts to go well because it's getting attention. But then what happens is the other things start to settle.

Rachel Denning (02:33.966)
and they're like, no. And so they let that neglect a little bit. They set that down and pick the other thing up and like, okay, this is okay. And like, no. And so they're like constantly picking up and setting things down.

-huh. And at some point, unless we figure out, like what we're going to talk about today, unless we figure out how to do it effectively and consistently, sustainably. And make it sustainable, yeah. Yeah, that's the word. So unless we can figure out how to make it sustainable, then it's just this constant picking up, setting down, picking up, setting down, and something or someone is always being neglected. And that's just not a fun way to do life.

So yeah, good stuff. But we are, yeah, well we are apart right now. You are at our home base in Portugal. I'm actually here visiting my family in Georgia, the state, not the country. And...

Yeah, I think I wanna tie this in to, because when you were talking right there, that is actually part of the answer. Part of the answer is intentional neglect of certain things on purpose. Sometimes that's what you have to do. Like, you know, if you wanted to call it that way, or call it that, you could say right now I'm neglecting my family, my immediate family, you and my kids, because I'm putting my attention on being with my,

extended family, right? My mom and aunt. So at times we do have to do that. As a side effect, I've spent most of our days crying. Cry ourselves to sleep every night. We just mope around, laying on the couch. A life is meaningless without Rachel here. Just a mere lame existence. You're just not dying. Yeah.

Rachel Denning (04:34.254)
We are just not, we're not really living, we're just not dying. To quote the Croods. Hounding down the minutes when she comes back. Right. But you know, the part of what I want to talk through today is that that that can be a strategy that can be something you intentionally do, letting your family know, or your spouse or your children or whatever that, hey, this is a temporary thing. Like after I do this, whatever it is I'm doing,

then I'm gonna be back and I'm gonna be giving my attention, my time. And so part of our strategy is simply communicating with our family members so that they are aware of what's going on and they don't feel neglected because you're doing something else and not telling them about it or not communicating with them what that means for them later on. But when you're open with them and when you share with them your...

vision of what you see happening like this is what I'm doing and this is why I'm doing it and When I come back, we're gonna do these things together. We're gonna have more time together We're gonna you know, we're gonna make up for that missed time that can be a part of the strategy so I just wanted to add that in that that Partly life is picking up and putting down things and putting our attention in different places but it can still be meaningful and significant and intentional and still grow our relationships and

if we do it in an effective way, if that makes sense. Yeah, but the one thing that I was thinking of while you're sharing that is like the only way that works is in a very high trust relationship. Yes. Because if you say, no, no, no, it's only temporary. Is that true? Is it accurate? Have you followed through on what you've said before?

Or is this one more moment of you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, making promises and not keeping them, right? So is it truly temporary? Because we see, we see a couple of times, one of them will make a promise like, no, it's just for a short time. We just got to do this. And that short time turns into years or decades. No, that's a really good point. By a short time, like weeks at the most. And then you also said something else significant beforehand. So let's say,

Rachel Denning (06:55.117)
in this instance, you're going to separate out physically for a little bit. So whether it's a work trip or family trip or a personal retreat or whatever, this is what I tell my coaching clients. If you're going away, you have to give them time before and time after. So if you're going out of town for a work trip for four days or five days, whatever, then you need to take a half day or full day off before you leave and give it totally your family. They get all that time.

And then you have a day off when you get back and they get all that time. And then they don't feel the like the draw too deeply because like you invested and you invested. So you made deposits and there was a withdrawal of being away and then you made another deposit. But too often we think, well, family's family, right? And they have to understand. Yeah. We, we, we,

We take advantage of our family too often by saying they'll understand. Man, that is messed up. And, or you think, well, I don't have that luxury. I can't take all that time off. Like figure it out. Make it happen. Make it a priority. When your wife feels like she's a priority, when your children feel like they're a priority in your life, then it's so easy to do other things.

because they know that they matter to you. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I think what you said there is a very key point to everything I laid out before, that it does only really work when you have high relationships, relationships with high levels of trust. Because if you don't, if your relationships are already withdrawn, then you're just making another withdrawal and you're not.

it's not going to work because you don't have that emotional capital to be able to have this period of neglect, so to say, right? So that is a very key point. But, okay, I have a lot of other ideas, but before we get into them, let's actually read the question that we received so that we can relate it back to what we're talking about here. Sorry, trying to figure this out. Okay. I really struggle with trying to do everything.

Rachel Denning (09:20.653)
I feel like when I was doing the M1 marriage challenge, and this is from someone who is in my 28 day challenge group, and so M1 is the first level of your marriage challenge. When I was doing the M1 marriage challenge, my marriage was great, but I can't keep up at that level when I'm trying to focus on my kids, which was part of the parenting challenge, right? So then there's the parenting level one challenge.

And when my focus is on my kids, my husband feels neglected. And if I take time for myself, then I feel like my kids and my husband are all being neglected. I feel like everyone needs me all the time and I can't be there for four kids and a spouse all the time. I can only focus on one area or one person at a time. And when I'm trying to do everything, rather than everything being a little better, it feels like everything is not getting the attention it needs and so everything is suffering.

I feel stretched too thin and like I need to be more than one person to accomplish everything. I know you guys have talked about this, but I'm just not getting it yet. So like you said before, totally relatable question, totally understandable. I think we've all been there. We've probably all felt that at some point. I know I have. And so what is the solution? How do we be everything to everyone at all times?

and do all the things we need to do? And the answer partly is, well, we can't. You can't be everything at all times to everyone. You can only, first of all, you can only be yourself and you can only be who you are and you will get the best results when you focus on being the best version of you possible.

So I think one, at least for me, one of the keys, one of the answers to this problem.

Rachel Denning (11:28.589)
is and this seems counterintuitive. This seems like it doesn't match up. It's a dichotomy. But part of it is if you want to use the negative term, it's selfishness. But I don't view it like that. I don't view it as actually being selfish. I view it as self -care. I view it as well. It really ties into a quote that

you love to say and that I have on my phone every day that nothing gets better until I do. It's focusing on myself so that I become the best version of myself so there's more of me to give. I have more to give because I'm filled. You also love to say you can't draw from an empty well. If I'm empty, and from this question, to me that's essentially what's going on. There's a feeling of emptiness there.

Like, I don't have anything else to give. Well, really, if you use even the wording to use, I'm stretched too thin. In a way, that's the same thing. You're basically saying, I'm empty. Like, there's not enough of me to go around. I don't have enough to give. All of these analogies and words we use, that's essentially what we're saying. So to me, and this might seem ironic, it comes back to, you've gotta fill your own well. You have to focus more on...

yourself and I'm going to explain more of what I mean by that in a minute. So it's not misunderstood. You have to spend more on focusing on yourself and being inner directed, paying attention, being aware, making sure that you're full, you're whole and that your heart is in the right place so that you can do all the things you need to do. You can be there for your spouse and your children, but it's coming from a place of wholeness and fullness and love.

rather than a place of emptiness and sometimes resentment and anger and irritation. And that to me is the answer. Because it doesn't mean that you'll then be able to do everything and to suddenly be magic and clone yourself and have multiple versions of yourself to do everything, but it means you'll be more content with the things you do. And there'll be more.

Rachel Denning (13:50.349)
They'll be healthier, they'll build the relationships instead of tearing them down. Like everything you do will be more whole and more real, more connecting, more binding than when you've come from emptiness, if that makes sense. And you'll have way more capacity. So you'll be able to do more in less time. You'll be able to do it more effectively, more efficiently, with more energy, more love, more positivity.

it'll actually become easier to do. Like that's, I guess that's the, that's what we're describing here. We're holding up as this vision of where we're all trying to go is like, you can do all the important things and do them well and do it in a space where that's, yeah, that's easier to do because you're increasing your capacity. Well, because you're turning inward, you're focusing on your own capabilities, your own competencies, your own.

needs, your own desires, all of that contributes to you becoming a more capable and competent person, if that makes sense. So whenever Rachel and I are talking about be your best self, be the best version of you, that's what we're talking about. Your best self is capable of doing so much and doing it so well that it's actually fun and enjoyable. Like you're just rocking it. You're taking care of all the things. You're taking care of yourself, your spouse, your kids, the business, all this stuff.

And you feel fantastic. You love it. You're busy. You're working. But it's great. That's what we're talking about when we say increase your capacity and be your best self. Now what we see all the time is when people are like, yeah, I just need, you know, I need some downtime. I need some me time. Which could be used to fill the well, to get recovery, to get prepared to be better. And what they do is they binge watch some crap show on Netflix while they

pound an entire bag of Cheetos. And like, I just needed some me time. And like, well, how do you feel afterwards? Right. Do you now feel recovered and ready to engage and ready to give and serve and love? No, you feel worse and you feel worse about yourself and you're not doing that. You're not building yourself by doing activities. And so I think you're right. Like that's - And then you say, those Dennings, they're full of crap. I took some me time all weekend. I felt worse.

Rachel Denning (16:14.477)
And that's the irony here is that there's a lot of nuance to this. There's a lot of subtlety to the difference between taking time for yourself or focusing on yourself in a way that builds you and a way that makes you better and stronger versus doing it in a way that actually makes you worse off. And I think, you know, you're...

Your example is one example of how that plays out. There's a lot of ways it can play out, but there is a difference. And that's where we have learned to tweak things for our own life so that we do take time for ourselves, but it's literally in a way that actually makes us better human beings so that when we re -engage, we're better off. We're better off, we're stronger, we're more capable, we have more resilience, we have more energy, more capacity.

because we're using, we love to use this analogy of stress and recovery, we're using this recovery time to be able to take on more stress, more challenge, more obstacles. But you have to be so strategic about that because otherwise it doesn't, it doesn't turn into that. It turns into you binging on food or entertainment or social media or whatever, which then makes, it's a downward spiral.

instead of an upward spiral. And so we want to get into the habit of these activities that produce an upward spiral rather than spiraling us downward, if that makes sense. Exactly. And as tempting as it is to just kind of watch some videos or scroll because you're like, I just need some downtime. I need time away from spouse or kids or work or stress. And so like,

This is, this is kills me. Like full grown men who are husbands and fathers and businessmen, they come home and they play video games like little boys. They're like, what is going on that in no way, shape or form is helping you level up as a husband and father and a businessman? Like, no way. Well, specifically as in your capacity to be a better husband and businessman, because yeah, you're not engaging in that role. You're.

Rachel Denning (18:39.949)
You're avoiding it. You're buffering. Exactly. You're avoiding it. And wives will usually turn to social media. They'll just... They'll lock themselves in the bathroom and then scroll. It feels good for a minute. It feels... Because of those dopamine hits. Yeah, the dopamine hits, it's distracting. You're like, that's great. But rarely do you find anything in there that's helpful. It's giving you tools or strategies or refilling you or helping you be more optimized and to recalibrate and reset.

and re -energized to come back and be like, I'm ready, let's go. It's just like, my little temporary bathroom application is over. Now I resentfully have to go back to engaging with my kids and dealing with their fighting. Yeah, you come out at the same low state you went into or even sometimes worse off. Yeah, exactly. So let's talk about the specific strategies of how you actually do this because all of this sounds great, of course, but like,

What does it actually look like in the day to day? And I know that for me, this is going to be difficult for me to describe what it actually looks like because back to the nuance, back to the subtleties, there's a lot of subtlety here. And I really feel like your heart has to be in the right place. I don't know how else to describe it. Like you have to have this pure heart of sincerely desiring.

to be your best self and to be there for your family and your husband and your children because that's what you want. Part of that is a key to it. That really has to be what you want. If you secretly and never tell anyone, want something else and resent your life and you're like, why am I married? Why do I have these kids? All of that I think is gonna play in some metaphysical way to the outcomes you get. So you really do have to have this purity of heart of like, this is what I want.

And in some ways realizing this is my dream life. And for a lot of us, we like that's the truth. You wanted to get married. You wanted to have children. And so now you're living your dream life. Like you're living the dream. You're living the dream. Yeah. Now the problem is it doesn't look like or feel like a dream. Or feel dreamy. But that's often because of and this I don't like I don't.

Rachel Denning (21:06.893)
I don't want it to sound mean or harsh or anything. It's just being really objective. It's just because you've reached some limitations in marriage or parenting or running your life or your family or your business. You just have reached your current levels of capacity. And so it's not what it could be. Well, I think it's also sometimes simply misaligned expectations. We, you know, it's...

cliche to say it, but it's all true. We all had this vision, and I know I did, of what family life would look like. For me, I remember vividly, I had this vision of it was like cleanly dressed, children, perfectly groomed, sitting on a picnic blanket in the sun, well behaved, well mannered. That was the vision. I think it's important to understand that, that that vision is important because if...

the vision we had of what family life was like was closer to the reality, we probably wouldn't have children. Like that would keep us from having children. So we have to have this kind of unrealistic vision in our minds in order to drive us, and this is true for any dream, any dream you can think of, you have to have the unrealistic vision of what it's like in order for it to motivate you enough to take the action to make it happen.

I found that this is true with traveling. Like we love to travel. We've traveled around the world. It's the unrealistic Instagram worthy moments that drive you to travel. Because if you realized all of the pain and hassle and annoyance and irritation that also was a part of traveling, then you would be less likely to want to do it, right? But so it's those idealistic views that get you moving and get you motivated. The problem is,

When you get there and then you realize just like the traveling that, wow, well, this sucks because I'm sunburned and I have sand in my shorts and the flights were delayed and all of these things. And then you're like, I don't want this anymore because it sucks. That's kind of like family life. We have the idealized vision. When we get into the trenches of it, it's not what we imagined. There's snot and there's vomit and there's fighting and bickering and all of these things. And so we think.

Rachel Denning (23:29.581)
This isn't what I wanted. This isn't what I signed up for. This isn't my dream life.

But we have to realize that that is a part of the dream. The dream includes the suck. You can't have one without the other. And I think that this became so real for me. Well, I mean, it's been real for me, but I had another realization of it lately. Within the past few months, we moved from one house in Portugal to a house that we bought in Portugal that's

our dream, a dream house. And as I was moving out of our other house and doing all the work, and you know, this is the second time we've moved out of a house in the past two years, besides traveling to, you know, 20 countries in the meantime, as I was doing the work of cleaning the house and moving and packing and all the little details that you hate at the end of moving, I just thought, wait,

This is what I am signing up for. If I have a dream to accomplish all the things that I want, which includes many other things, including everybody knows our Chateau in France, if I want those things, it's going to include a lot of moving, a lot of packing, a lot of cleaning, a lot of work. That's the dream. So yes, it's the idealized vision I have, but it also comes hand in hand with the hard work and the sucky parts.

You can't get away from them. It's two sides of a coin. So we have, I think that's the place we have to start from. Sorry, add your thing. I want to just chime in right. So the, the actuality of that right now for what you just said, just click for me is like, we have seven children and a spouse. So there are eight people that I want to have very close relationships with in my life. That's eight people making demands on my time.

Rachel Denning (25:33.261)
And I want that. I signed up for that. I want to have incredible relationships with each of my children and with you. So that means a lot of demands on me. And when I frame it like that, it's like, that's what I want. I want those relationships. So therefore I want the demands. Exactly. And so then I lean into the hard work and men know, and this isn't derogatory ladies, but women are a...

a lot of work. And so if you want a wife and a great marriage, you also want a lot of hard work. You signed up for this. You signed up for that. You didn't know that. You didn't know that when you got married. You had the dreamy idea of like, yeah, hey baby, a lot of smooching, making out all the time, all this great stuff. But women are hard. Wives are difficult.

And they're a lot of hard work. So that's what you signed up for. So lean into it. Right. And the same with children, of course. Like you wanted the children and you want the relationships with them. It is going to come hand in hand with being a lot of work. And so what I was going to say here is that ultimately that's where we have to start from. We have to start with this purity of heart, realizing I wanted this dream.

Hopefully you wanted this dream or at least you have something, some dream that you want. And that also means I want, at least on some level, the hard work that comes with it. That's what I want. Well, and the reason you would want it, because some of you might now, right now might be thinking like, I don't want the hard work. I don't want that at all. Like, no, I didn't sign up for that. I don't want that craziness. But.

I think one way to think through that is like, well, I want it because that's what brings what I ultimately want. Exactly. It's the hard work and the effort that will bring the rewards I want. You can't want an extraordinary marriage and simultaneously not want to work on your marriage. Exactly. It won't work. You can't want an extraordinary family life and great relationship with the kids without simultaneously wanting to do the hard work to create that. It has to be.

Rachel Denning (27:53.197)
built and created. If you want to do nothing and have a great life, you are delusional. Yes. So, so we begin there. We begin with having this, this understanding, this vision of like, yeah, this, this is what I signed up for. But from that place, then you also have to going circling back to this.

foundational piece, you, right? Because when I teach in my 28 day challenge, that's where we begin. We have this pyramid of awesomeness for creating a starting family life and the bottom level is you. We always have to go back there. And in fact, that's just a good rule of thumb. I would say anytime you're feeling in this place of being stretched too thin or not having enough to draw on, that means you have to go back to you. You have to go back to that foundational level.

of focusing on, well, wait, where am I off here? And I find for me that it often comes back to one, my needs are not being fulfilled, my own personal needs. And that can be things as simple as food, I'm not getting enough food, I'm not getting the food I need, I'm not getting the sleep I need, and I'm doing things that I resent. I think that right there, those three are probably the foundational pieces.

If everything that's going on that she's describing here, it's likely that you as the mother, and this applies to fathers too, you're not getting enough food, good enough sleep, and you're resentfully doing things. Meaning that you're neglecting your own mental, emotional needs and physical needs for your family, and so it becomes this underlying resentment, and as a result, you feel stretched too thin.

if that makes sense. And so when I approach this, I love to do things for my family. I love to do things for you. I love to do things for the kids. But if I do it when I'm not full,

Rachel Denning (30:08.205)
I don't like doing it and I resent it and I feel well and I think especially as women we feel taken advantage of, we feel not underappreciated and all of those things are not good for women to feel. Like you need to feel appreciated, you need to feel like you're valued, you're not being taken advantage of and when we do things for our family in a way that make us to not feel that way, that becomes very damaging to everybody in the family.

It becomes damaging to me and it becomes damaging to all of my relationships because I can't do things in a way that make me feel undervalued. So I'm very careful about how and when and where I do the things that I do so that I am not doing them in the wrong state, right? I want to do them in the higher level of motion.

I want to be coming from those places of love, wholeness, wellness, and that can only happen when my well is full. So if it's not full, I have to take that time, and I can explain it to my husband, I can explain it to my children, to make sure I'm filling my well. Now that can happen on a daily basis, that can happen on a weekly basis. You can...

One of the things I teach is you can create all these routines so it's happening regularly. You're not getting drained, right? I mean, I think I've gotten to the point where I don't feel drained hardly ever because I'm very careful about being strategic to not get drained. Which is a concept that I like to teach of microdosing. Yeah. So I'm getting daily, I'm getting little refills.

And every month or every six weeks or something, I do something big. So it's a macro dose to get a real big refill. And so I've built in micro dosing and macro dosing into our lives. We've done that super well. So I'm the same. I'm like, even if we're going hard, we're pushing really hard. I don't feel like I'm totally empty. I can't do another single thing. I don't get there because I'm maintaining and taking care of myself along the way. It's super important.

Rachel Denning (32:29.005)
I want to throw something in here that I think is relevant for men. What you just said and explained beautifully for women, I think is also true for men with one little exception. I think men need to be able to do more and need less. I think it's built into our...

being our creation to do the heavy lifting, to do the hard work, to do what needs to be done, whether we feel like doing or not and without the pity party. So yes, we need to make sure we're getting good nourishing food, good sleep, that our needs are being met. All that's true. But then there's times you're like, nope, I'm the dad. I'm the man around here. And so I get up earlier, I stay up later.

I do more work and I don't complain about it. And I do the dirty jobs. I do the dirty jobs. I should be, as the father and the husband, I should be carrying more of the load than anyone else. If at any point I think, well, Rachel should be doing more and the kids should be doing more, this isn't fair. Like that is, that is messed up thinking in a man's head to say this isn't fair. Fair is where pigs win ribbons.

There's no fairness about it. There's no equal about it. I should be carrying the lion's share of the family responsibilities. Yeah, I think that's actually a very true principle and an important dynamic in a relationship and in a family. And it helps everybody in the family to, again, it comes back to, and a lot of people would say these traditional roles, but...

I think that there is something inherent in the genetics, biology, evolution, like all of that, where this plays a part. And when that's in play in the family dynamics, it does make everything better for everybody. But I feel that, especially nowadays, women really sabotage that because they don't allow their husbands to do all the heavy lifting. And part of it is this whole dynamic.

Rachel Denning (34:51.629)
It's not that women aren't capable of doing this, but...

It reduces our ability to feel cherished or taken care of or nurtured or adored, whatever, whatever words you want to use, because we will ask our husbands to do something or expect our husbands to do something. And when they don't do it, we just then do it ourselves, usually resentfully, usually, you know, with some sort of negative emotion attached. And when we do that,

then we're doing the very thing that I described. We're actually creating, starting this negative down -row spiral instead of a positive upward spiral because we're not saying, you know what? I'm gonna step back. I'm gonna let my husband do that because that's not something I can do without being resentful about it, right? And if I'm ever there where I feel like, okay, well, I'm gonna do this, but I'm gonna be resentful about it.

I don't do it. I have learned, nope, I'm not doing it. That's no matter what that is. That's me asking the kids to do the dishes or you to do something for me. If I ever get to the point where I'm like, I'm just gonna do it myself and I feel angry and bitter and resentful about it, that's a sign to me that I'm not coming back to fulfill my needs, right? And that's not the correct...

frame of mind or heart space to be in to interact with my family, if that makes sense. So it's again that - Are there times Rachel that you just do it, you do it, but you do it without being resentful? absolutely. And that's where you want to be. You want to be in this - I guess I'm asking that because you initially said like, I'm not going to do it if I'm going to feel resentful, which is good. Sometimes you're like, nope, I'm not doing it.

Rachel Denning (36:49.453)
But I know there has to be other times you're like, it needs to be done and I don't want to do it resentfully. So I'm going to address the emotion, get in a different state and then do it. Yes, absolutely. And I think, and that's what I, I'm glad you brought that because that's where I want to go. You, I've trained myself so that I can learn, hey, this needs to be done. And so I'm going to get myself into the mental and emotional state where I do it.

but I do it from a place of love. I do it from a place of wanting to do it. And, but what I'm trying to point out is there's sometimes when I'm like, okay, I can't get in that state right now. I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm exhausted, whatever it is. And those are the times when I'm like, nope, I'm not doing it. I don't care if the kitchen remains a mess. I don't care if that doesn't get done. I'm not going to do it resentfully because I've learned that then that that just

starts that negative downward spiral. I would rather go, and here's the key, I think, this is the key, especially for women. In that moment, I know it is better for me to go meet my needs and change my state than to do the thing from a place of anger or resentment or frustration. So I will go focus on me, I'll go feed myself if I need to, I'll go get some sleep.

I'll go take a shower because for me a shower is very relaxing and rejuvenating. Like I'll go do something like that that makes me feel better. And then I'm in a better state. Then maybe I come out and I'm like, okay, great. The kitchen's still a mess, but now I feel better. And so now I'm going to joyfully, happily choose to do it and perhaps get the kids involved or whatever. But I'm from, I'm coming from a better state, a better place, a better mind to do it.

rather than being angry and grumpy and nagging and yelling and getting upset at the kids because I didn't meet my needs first. Does that make sense? I love that. And visually, I can see it like, here's the obstacle at this level. And if you come at it down here in resentment or anger or frustration or bitterness or whatever, like, it's just, it's this huge obstacle. You step away and reset and then come back at it.

Rachel Denning (39:13.197)
up here in this higher state, then it's this little obstacle. It's a bump in the road, no big deal. I can take care of this because it's so small. Exactly. Because you've, well, like I like to say sometimes, you've outgrown your problems. You've outgrown your obstacles. You've transcended them. Exactly. And you come back to a totally different state. Yeah. So it's difficult to totally ...

lay out the strategy here, but I'm trying to illustrate it with these examples that it requires you, first of all, having the right vision of your life and what you're trying to create, and then recognizing and being aware, especially for women here, but I think some of this applies to men, being aware of how you're feeling and where you're coming from mentally and emotionally when you're engaging with your family. And if it's constantly, chronically,

from a state of anger, irritation, resentment, you're literally creating what you don't want in your family. You are causing or contributing the very problems you're complaining about. And that's hard to hear, but it's the truth. And in that state, it makes you so inefficient and ineffective. Absolutely. So meeting your needs, meeting the needs of your spouse, your children,

takes so much longer and so much more effort. So it seems really hard and maybe you're listening to this and you're like, I'm doing those things with so much work. That's what we're saying is like, well, man, you got to get in a different state where doing these things is literally, literally so much easier to do because you're in a better state, you're more capable.

But if I'm trying to tackle something from fatigue or exhaustion or frustration or irritation, any negative emotion or low energy emotion or thought or belief pattern, fixed mindset, man, it's brutal. I'm sitting, it's so hard to be a dad. It's so hard to be a husband and a provider and a protector. It's so hard to lead. Blah, blah, blah. If I will level up,

Rachel Denning (41:30.029)
as a man, then meeting the needs of my wife and my children and businesses, all things is so much easier. And it's more enjoyable. I want to emphasize this wording that you're using because you're saying if I will level up, and I think really if we could get down to what exactly that means in a moment to moment basis, I think truly that means leveling up your emotional state.

Because if you Google an emotional, I don't even know what they call it, but it's like a visual of different levels of emotion. There's emotions and there's like neutral emotions and then there's all the negative emotions below that. And then there's all the positive emotions above that. And if you can look at those, there's things that are like productivity or gratitude or of course joy. And then there's irritation, frustration on the negative side.

And so I think if we come right down to what it means to level up, essentially that's what we're talking about. Level up your emotions. Move into the positive state emotions. And when you move into those and you stay in those and you operate from those and you make decisions from those and you interact with your spouse and children from those higher level emotions, that's ultimately what we're talking about that's going to change everything for you.

Because if you're not getting the results that you want and you're going through the motions and checking the boxes and doing all the things, but you're still not seeing the results you want, it's often because you're still not operating in those higher level emotions. You're doing the things, but at lower levels. And that does not produce the same results. You have to get yourself into and then stay there as often as possible, those higher level emotions. That is right there what will move the needle.

And a lot of good people are just in a flatlining, blah, emotional state. They're just there, it's transactional. I had a coaching client who was there. In fact, I've had many, many coaching clients there. And so we invite them to choose their emotion and then to level up their emotional state. One specifically recently, I said, you know, you gotta be more jovial, bro. Like you can't just be just kind of straight -lined.

Rachel Denning (43:52.141)
serious. Yeah, it was it was very monotone emotion, right? So what's your general emotional state? That's pretty monotone. But that's kind of boring. And for a spouse and for kids like, eh, eh, boring. I'm like, take that up a couple notches and really lean into it. It was so awesome. The last couple of weeks, he's like, man, my kids noticed my wife noticed today. He's like, strangers were complimenting and commenting.

On the energy level I was bringing in, the positivity and the joy, it's like, this is amazing. It's so palpable. It's so real. People notice, and then I asked them, I said, how are you remembering? Do you forget to stay in that higher state? He's like, yeah. He's like, I forgot. And my kids came over and said, hey, dad, is everything OK? Are you all right? And I was like, that's perfect. Our kids are so dialed in, meaning our listeners, everybody, children are just dialed in.

They pay attention. They are aware of the energy in the room and they know the energy you bring. So if you make it your way of being your standard to be in a high energy state, when you're not, they will notice it. Yeah. Well, and I have noticed that they, they directly pick up on and emanate those emotions. So if, and I've seen this happen time and time again, if,

my energy is low or my energy is irritation or my energy is frustration. My kids pick that up and then they carry that into their interactions with their siblings. So I have learned to pay close attention to that. And if I have my kid, my kids are fighting or arguing or behaving in ways I don't like. I often recognize that that came directly from me because something I said this morning or something I did or some, you know, if,

If my energy levels are not at those higher levels or my emotions, my emotional state are not at those higher levels, kids pick up on that. So if you're wondering why kids are doing what they're doing and they're being irritating or annoying, I always go back to, wow, how am I and their dad, how are we behaving? What are we doing? What are we saying? What are we sending out into the family energy from?

Rachel Denning (46:19.757)
from our own emotional state. That is key, it's huge, it makes a huge difference. And when we can learn to change that, it changes everything. Because again, it's not so much about, and that's one of the things that you and I have always talked about, because you know, parenting experts and books and all these strategies and disciplining techniques and these parenting hacks, none of that really works.

And even though the things we teach, it doesn't work as well or as effectively if you're in a lower energy state. If you're coming from a place of irritation and frustration, you are nowhere near going to have the same effect and influence on your children as if you're coming from a place of positivity. It doesn't even have to be, you don't have to be up here in like pure joy and bliss, but you at least need to be above neutral. You need to have some sort of

positive energy there that you're bringing to the interactions and to the things that you're doing. So you're still checking off the boxes, but a box checked off at a higher energy state is going to get a totally different result than a box you check off from a lower energy state. And that's true about everything. That's true about achieving your pursuing your dreams and goals and everything. You will get different results depending on the energy state that you are in when you take the action you're taking. I love that.

So in my mind's eye, I literally can see people right now listening. They're like, but how? How do I change my state? What do I do? And that's something for another episode, but I'll give you a couple of things right now that just work. Move your body. Stand up, jump around, dance, run in place. But on music and dance. Air squats, jumping jacks, burpees. Like just move your body. That helps.

Turn on an inspiring song, not a depressing, sad, angry song. Turn on an inspiring song. Or a song you want to dance to. Yeah, when you turn on, you're like, yeah, well, that makes you feel good. Eat a good snack, a healthy snack. Try cold water. Yeah, a lot of times we do things from a negative state that we're literally just hangry. That's it. And if you can get some food on your body and then come back to whatever it is you're trying to do, you're a totally different person. Absolutely.

Rachel Denning (48:38.509)
So a power nap works, maybe a quick call to somebody you love. I love taking a hot shower. Hot, take a shower, I take a cold shower. I love a hot shower. Cold water is amazing for energizing, warm water is good for calming. So depending on what you're going after. I think maybe especially for moms and women, I know for me that's what I need. If I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed, that's why I go to the warm shower because it relaxes me, it releases endorphins, like dopamine.

It just totally relaxes me in so many ways that then I'm like, okay, I am ready to, like I just feel refreshed here. I'm ready to engage. Where the cold shower actually has an opposite effect. I mean, it makes me feel more stressed. See, and I'm the opposite. If I'm like, if I'm beginning to feel stressed or overwhelmed or I got a lot to do, I'm like, hey, I'm feeling some pressure. The cold shower is exactly what I need. Because you get in there and you're like, let's go.

And you get all fired up, you crank up the energy levels, the determination, I can conquer the world and slay dragons energy and then you get out and get after it. So I personally, and I think maybe for men, I don't want to settle down. Like at nighttime before bed, I want to slow down. If I'm in my work day and I got to get things done, I do not want to calm down. I'm not going to listen to calming music and I'm not going to slow down. I'm going to...

ramp it up. I'm picking up the energy because I got to get things done. Then in the evening, I'm going to purposely slow down and go right into sleep. And I think that's fascinating. I wonder there if that could just be a personality difference. I wonder if it's a men versus women difference because at least for me, one of the reasons I'm going into these negative states is because I'm feeling tight, overwhelmed, wound up like I'm too tight.

It's almost like I'm trying to control everything. I'm trying to make everything happen. And with the warm shower, it kind of releases all that tight, controlling energy where I'm just like, okay, I'm going to chill here and I'm going to come from a place of peace instead of control and manipulation, if that makes sense. So it's kind of interesting. That's fantastic. Okay. I'm sure people are wondering some specific strategies.

Rachel Denning (50:59.757)
to doing it all, right? Going back to the original question, I wrote down a list of this is just for me and Rachel have some things already added some great things to it. I got five things here. And maybe we just kind of shotgun and hit you can share some stuff. Number one, I think at a fundamental level is we have to get our own personal crap together. There's no way we can handle a lot of things. And I've said this before, and I'll just

keep saying it, if we're going to have an extraordinary family life, we have no other option but then, but to be really, really good at several things. You can't have an extraordinary family life unless you become really good at several things. That's, there's no way around that. None. There's just several things you have to be really good at or you're just going to suffer. So in order to do that, you have to get your own personal crap together.

So all the best tools and strategies and systems in the world won't help you if you're constantly plagued by your own laziness, by your own demons, so to speak, by your unresolved issues. If you're just constantly bitter, holding grudges, or you're dealing with your own addictions and whatever, your own issues, right? You know, I had a crazy temper when I was in my teens and twenties. Crazy temper.

Had I brought that into our marriage and into parenting, it would be like a wrecking ball. Anger is a wrecking ball in relationships. And that would have been a personal issue that would just cause so many problems in our family. I have to deal with that. All the stuff we're telling you won't work if you just are just raging monster. So you got to get your own crap together. So do the personal work to get your...

get your stuff all figured out so that you're in a good place to use these tools. Number two, you have to say no to more things. Most of you are still saying yes to too many things. Which seems counter -intuitive or counterproductive to what we're saying because we're telling you, you have to learn how to do more, but we're also saying you have to learn to say no to more things. And I think how that actually plays out is you're saying no to the things that don't really matter.

Rachel Denning (53:20.429)
at least in the family vision you're trying to create, and saying yes to doing more of those things that matter. So you're saying yes, like you said, you have eight people in your family that demand your time. You say no to a lot of things so that you have enough space to say yes to those demands from your family because that's what's most important to you. So you're saying no to the things that really shouldn't be in your life so you can say yes to more of...

the time with your spouse, more of the time with your children, more of the time to achieve your big dreams. And this isn't like, there's the obvious stuff, right? Where you're like, yeah, that's just, no, that's lame, it's wrong, it doesn't fit. There's the obvious stuff, but then there's good stuff. You have to say no to good things so you can say yes to the most important things. This was an absolute game changer for our family. And it was hard at first. It was hard to say no to all the...

social functions and all the expectations of other people and all things we were supposed to do and and even some things we wanted to do we just had to be delivered like nope nope nope even things I just absolutely loved loved love to do before we got married once we had kids I was like nope I'm not doing that until my kids are old enough to do it with me and so I said no to a lot of things and it made all the difference so say no more now

I know a lot of you listening and because you've come up in coaching sessions, you're like, I do that all the time. I say no to everything. I promise if we sat down and I did like this thorough inspection of your life, I'd be like, dude, there's still a hundred things here you need to say no to. And I know you feel like you're saying no a lot, but there's still more things you need to say no to. If you feel totally overwhelmed and stretched too thin, I know there's more things you need to say no to.

And a lot of you are kind of getting swept into the cultural thing right now, this of being like the taxi driver. You're taking your kids everywhere and you're having them in everything. You're just running around nonstop. You're involved in too much. That's a common problem. That's definitely been a key to, I would say, our family's success here is that we...

Rachel Denning (55:36.301)
our kids actually aren't evolved in a lot of things, if hardly anything at all. So they're not going to lessons and classes and we're not driving them all over the place. We travel around the world with them and they teach themselves how to do things. But we spend a lot of time at home together because we're not out driving around to all of these things. It's just not a part of our family culture and that's made a huge difference overall because...

we end up spending way more time together because we're not spread apart and spread around in all these different directions. So it does really make a huge difference. In fact, I saw a reel on Instagram recently from a podcast and it was some sort of psychologist or something saying, American sports are ruining families. And basically that premise were these...

families are going out pursuing sports for their children that's actually causing the harm that they don't want because of the way it's structured and whatnot. That's so interesting because it seems like a family thing. It seems like you're doing this with family, but it actually it's a segregating thing. It's dividing and separating out the family. Now we love sports, we love music, we love theater, we love all the cool things. And our kids participate and learn a lot of those things, but we figured out ways to do it virtually.

You can hire phenomenal tutors and coaches and classes. There's a lot you can do. So just be deliberate about saying no. That's something to remember. Well, and it can come to the house too. That's always nice. Yeah, have tutors come over to the house. And you're like, yeah, but that costs so much more. It's perfect. Like the time, effort, fuel, energy, traffic, all the garbage and stuff and junk to be running around. Like you're sitting here saying, I never see my family. I'm constantly driving all over here, all over the place.

And we say, well, have them come to your house. And you're like, no, that's so expensive. It costs so much. Like you're selling yourself and your life and your family. Put a price to that. So it costs you an extra 10 or 20 or 30 bucks for the person to come to you. Well, add that up over the year. If they come twice a week over the 50 weeks. That's a lot of.

Rachel Denning (57:55.693)
time that you've bought back and time that you then get to spend with your family. So you're like, when you when you stop, you're like, wait a minute. For for $3 ,000 a year, I can have way more time with my family. Where do I sign up? That's a no brainer. That's an absolute no brainer. Okay, so which leads to the next one. Number three is wasted time. I found for both me and for Rachel, we became just

more and more deliberate over the years, more and more deliberate, watching our time. And I don't waste time. I don't know about you, babe, but I don't waste time. Yeah, you don't either. I just don't waste time. I don't have any space in my life. I'm like, well, I just wasted that hour. I don't waste time. I don't do it anymore. Life is too good. There's too many things to do, way, way, way too many good things to do. I just don't waste time. And I know I've met, again, I've met with a lot of coaching clients and they're like, I don't either, I don't waste any time.

And then I'm like, okay, let's look at your day, break down your day, track it every 15 minutes, like break down your day and look at this stuff. And then they come back and they're like, okay, it's like two hours a day I'm wasting. And you guys know this, like 15 minutes a day is almost a hundred hours in a year. Just 15 minutes a day. It's a hundred hours. But most of you are wasting 90 minutes a day.

Think about that, it's 300, no, no, no, that's fuzzy math. It's 15 minutes, so that's 100, so 200, 300, 400, 500, 600. So it's about 600 hours. If you waste 90 minutes a day, whatever, 10 minutes here, five minutes there, whatever, here and there, scrolling, whatever you do, 90 minutes is about six, if my math is right, it's about 600 hours in a year.

What in the world can you do with 600 hours? So, so, so much. So I guarantee for a lot of you who are feeling stretched too thin, pulled in too many directions, you can't meet all the needs, for a lot of you, I promise, it's just little increments of wasted time and you'd be able to do all the things you want to do if you weren't wasting time. Well, and especially as we're talking about self -care, for lack of a better term, there's time there.

Rachel Denning (01:00:16.717)
Because you can take that 15 minutes that you'd be scrolling and you can go meditate or take a shower or read a book that's going to help you. Reading something like The Majesty of Calmness, it's going to help you be more calm and patient. Like if you strategically use those moments, and we're talking about moments, this isn't a huge thing. We're not saying you have to spend an hour a day meditating if you want to be a more patient parent. It's literally moments. If you use those moments well,

and recognize, wow, I'm feeling out of sorts right now, what can I strategically do for 15 minutes or five minutes to help me feel better right now? And you do that thing, that's the microdosing you're talking about that just helps you to maintain more positive emotions. And that over a lifetime or over a week is gonna make a huge difference in how you feel and how you interact and the energy you're bringing to your family.

that all is gonna play out in amazing ways. Exactly. And when you stop like that, I love how you're framing that, Rachel, how long does it take to write a thoughtful text to your spouse? 30 seconds, 60 seconds. How long does it take to write a little note to your kids? The same. Or to just - Five minutes or 10 minutes, like sitting down with a kiddo and just cuddling up with one of your little ones or just.

you know, asking your teens how their day was, how their event was, what's going on, what they've been thinking about. Like, it's so easy to do that. And so... Well, right. And, you know, how long does it take to spend a few minutes changing your state so that when you go to interact, and this is just daily life, it's not like you have to change or do anything differently per se. When you bring more energy to your day and to your interactions,

the same life that you're living, the same things that you're doing, they're changed. They are changed simply because you bring a better energy. And so you're still having the breakfast, you're still getting ready for school, you're still doing whatever it is you're doing, but you're bringing a different energy which changes the interaction, which makes it a positive thing instead of a negative thing. And then, yeah, like you're saying, like, yeah, maybe your focus is on your kids now and...

Rachel Denning (01:02:39.501)
You're like, well, now my husband's neglected. Well, it doesn't take that long to help your husband not feel neglected. I can go to you. I was just thinking that in 15 minutes we can make love. Well, there's that, of course, but I can go to you at any time. I could send you a text at any time saying, I love you. I appreciate you. Hey, thanks so much for doing that thing that you did. I really noticed that. I noticed what you said this morning and I appreciated that. It only takes a few minutes or to go to you and say, hey, I know you're feeling neglected right now, but.

Here's what I'm focusing on. Here's what I'm doing. Let's spend some time together tonight or let's schedule something for tomorrow. And so you're having that communication with them. It doesn't take long, but then they feel they don't feel neglected because they know you're thinking about them and that you want to give them that attention that you know that they're missing. Exactly. I love it. Super powerful. Okay. The next one, which would be number four.

Rachel already talked about this a lot, I did too, is just increasing your capacity. Just deliberately do something to increase your capacity, meaning figure out how to do more in less time. And this can be an incremental thing. I know you have different approaches per se, but we're talking about like one or 2 % better. Like how can I make washing the dishes 2 % faster than I used to? Or making a meal or cleaning up.

or whatever the task is, whatever the errand is, whatever is consuming your time. Like how can I, yeah, you can do one or 2 % or sometimes you can do five or 10%. You just stop and say, how could I do this five or 10 % more efficiently, more effectively? And it's amazing. If you went through and you found 10 things that you do regularly and you did each of them 10 % faster, you're gonna free up so much time. It's really awesome. And so it transforms your life. You just think,

How can I, is there a better way? That's one of my favorite questions. Is there a better way? Is there a better way to do this? Is there a faster way to do this? Is there a more effective way to do this? If you start asking, you'll find ways to do it. And some of that has to include outsourcing, just handing things off that somebody else can do. It'll free up so much of your life. It's amazing. Then the last thing in this was you don't want your spouse to become more autonomous.

Rachel Denning (01:05:09.165)
I don't want Rachel, okay, unless your spouse is a little bit too needy, but often a spouse becomes needy because they feel like their needs are being met. Their needs aren't being met. And so they feel neglected, so they start to behave in needy ways. So if you meet their needs, then the neediness kind of melts away.

But you also don't want them to get to the point where they don't need you at all. Right, exactly. That's where I was going. So the last thing I want is for Rachel to just become super independent and autonomous for me. And she's like, I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you to listen to me. I don't need you to help with the hard jobs. I've got them. I can do them. I don't need you. Right. That's like a very dangerous place for a relationship to be in, because if you don't need your spouse,

then what's the point of them being around? Right. And the reason I'm going here is because sometimes I think, my spouse is making demands. My spouse needs things from me. That's exactly what you want. You want your spouse to want you. You want your spouse to need you. You want your spouse to be making demands on you. That's a very good thing. Where else would you rather have him go or her go? I can't think of any other place you'd want your spouse to go.

So be careful with this one. It's easy to be like, ugh, again? You need me again? Bah. And it's easy to become resentful or frustrated, like no way. You want your spouse to come to you to have their needs met. So don't do anything, turn that away. And that's true mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually, like all of that. If your spouse is coming to you because they have needs, they want and need things from you.

we have to learn to restructure and re look at it in a fresh way so that we're like, wow, this is actually a good thing. And I know, you know, in, I've talked about it before, in my own sexual journey, that was something I had to restructure. I had to view, because I used to view it as like, my gosh, this is another thing on my to -do list. Greg wants sex. To -do list. And that felt like a chore. But when I reframed it so I'm like,

Rachel Denning (01:07:26.701)
No, this is a good thing. He wants me. He wants me. That's what I want. Women want to be wanted. So why am I not wanting that now, right? You have to restructure that so you see that this is a positive thing. And if I didn't have this in my life, we wouldn't have a relationship or a great relationship. So you reframe it and view it as like, no, this is back to the whole dream. Like this is what I signed up for.

This is my dream life. This is what I wanted. We may not have been cognizant or aware of it when we got married, but signing up for marriage is I signed up to meet your needs. Yeah. That's part of the marriage contract.

I think a lot of us sign up were like, no, I'm getting married so all my needs can be met. Right. Which is entirely true. But you're also written into that as like, I'm also signing up to meet my spouse's needs. That's why my spouse is getting married. Exactly. To have her needs be met by me. That's part of the deal. But built into this, that's not it. So number five on my list is teach your kids to be more autonomous. Yes. Your kids.

You don't want your spouse becoming more independent and autonomous, but you definitely want your kids to become more independent and autonomous. Absolutely. That's the journey of raising children to adulthood is they progressively become more autonomous. So if you have a lot of children and they're very demanding and you notice like, what are they, what are they consistently asking for? And you quickly realize like, wow, they're asking me to do a lot of things that they could be doing for themselves if I just show them how.

So instead of doing it for them, chronically teach them how to do it. Exactly. And so you're like, OK, my kids are constantly asking me for their laundry. They're constantly asking me to cook something, make something, get something. They're constantly asking me to go reach something that's out of reach. Like, I'm restructuring everything in my family. I'm going to take tomorrow. Everybody in this house is learning how to do their own laundry. Tomorrow, everyone in this house is learning how to use the air fryer and make three or four different meals that they can go make on their own. And I'm buying food.

Rachel Denning (01:09:39.757)
not cheap crap unhealthy food. I'm buying healthy food and teaching them how to make it so they can have snacks whenever they want. All the things they keep asking me to get their height, I'm putting them in the bottom cupboard. Like we were restructuring every year. Or I'm buying a step stool. Yeah, like whatever it is, like what are they asking for? Teach them how to do it. And you want your kids to become more autonomous. Yes, you want an awesome relationship with them, but there are so many things that children are asking for or demanding that they can do for themselves.

And just right there, I think there's probably three, four, five things that you could teach your kids that would free up tons, tons of your time. And this also for me, this ties into what I was talking about before with the resentment and the irritation, because I would often find myself doing things for my kids that they asked me to do and feeling even in the slightest way, like a little bit irritated or annoyed or resentful about it.

But when I pay attention to that and I think, no, that's something you can do for yourself. And I tell them that and I'll say, can you get me some water? Can you get me a drink? Can you get me a fork? Nope. You can do that for yourself. And especially if I contrast it with something else that I'm doing that something they can't do, I'm frying the eggs or I'm doing this and you can't do that. You get your own milk, you get your own drink and you're teaching them moment by moment.

to be more autonomous and independent, that's huge. And it helps me feel better. It helps me feel better about myself and it helps me feel better as a mom because I'm like, I'm teaching my kids to grow up. I'm teaching them how to be more independent. So it's really huge. So for, it was true for us that.

there was a time period where we were really frustrated or overwhelmed or felt burdened by the demands of kids. It was really because we as parents had not yet trained them to do more things. And we were doing too much for them. Exactly. So the more we leaned into training our kids to be more capable, the easier it got to be a parent. Yeah. And I understand the resistance to that because I've often thought and believed, and it is true sometimes, where I thought, well, I don't have time.

Rachel Denning (01:11:50.797)
to teach them how to do it. It just needs to get done. But I realized that that in a lot of ways was a lie. I mean, sometimes that that's the case. But yes, maybe it takes me a few more minutes in this moment. And it doesn't even have to be, it can be what you said, like, tomorrow we're taking the day to learn laundry. But it could just be the very next time your kids are like, I don't have any pants to wear, underwear, then I say, okay, I'm taking this moment right now to show you how to start the laundry. Go grab your clothes.

bring them down here and I'm gonna teach you how to do it. And you know, it takes me a little bit longer, but now they're learning how to do it and so it's an investment that over time pays off in big ways. Exactly. So see it as an investment. An hour or two upfront will save you dozens of hours over the next year. Yeah, exactly. And if you do that multiple times, man, you're just freeing up so much time.

You guys, when we're optimized like this as parents and spouses, it's incredible how capable you become. And you end up accomplishing so much more in less time. And then you have free time in addition to that. So you're like, look, look what I got done. I got all this stuff that used to take me forever. It only took me a short time and I still have free time. Like, this is amazing. And that's how this optimization works.

Well, one more thing I want to add to this because it's something I thought of and you reminded me of it. Because back to the question of like, well, how do I do more and how do I accomplish all these things and how do I take care of all these different levels? Because if we think about it like that, it's according to how my 28 day challenge is laid out, it is levels and it's levels that build on each other. You're the foundation, then there's your marriage, then there's your parenting. And over time with practice,

using these strategies that we've explained, it does become easier because you build these foundational pieces where you figure out, okay, these things work for maintaining my wellbeing, and you're able to consistently do these. And then you're like, these things work for maintaining my marriage, and you're able to consistently do them. And so you've got this maintenance mode going on that doesn't take a lot of time, it doesn't take a lot of energy per se, and...

Rachel Denning (01:14:15.149)
but you're able to do these microdosing and sometimes the macrodosing as well so that you, it's like you're now able to live at a higher level and it feels a lot easier simply because you're able to put the foundational pieces in place that make building this extraordinary family life simple and easy without the.

There's the difference between the effort required to make that upfront investment and the effort required to maintain that investment. A lot of times we think that the effort we put in to make that investment is what we have to do forever. And we think, how can I maintain that? That's so much. But often it's a lot more work upfront because we're operating from...

if we wanna use the emotional bank account analogies, we're operating on a deficit. We have a deficit in our relationship with our kids. We have a deficit in our relationship with our spouse. So yes, it takes more energy and effort upfront to build up those bank account balances, to bring them up to zero, right? And then to invest money so we have emotional capital with our family.

But then once we have that emotional capital after we've made those investments initially, to maintain that balance is simple. So I think that that's a key piece there. If we feel like this is a lot of effort, a lot of work, a lot of, it's really hard, it's probably because we're trying to, we're doing the initial hard work of making those investments to get us back to a positive balance or a positive account. But once we get there,

It's a lot easier to maintain that over time because we're not making these gigantic withdrawals that then require huge investments to bring us back into the black, if that makes sense. So I think it's really important to understand that framework to realize it's not always going to be this hard forever. And what has worked for me for our 23 years of marriage is every single day,

Rachel Denning (01:16:34.445)
I microdose for myself, for our marriage, and for the kids. Every single day. I can do something at a small level to take care of me, to take care of you, and to take care of the kids. Then weekly, so that's how I break it down the framework. So microdosing every day. Weekly, it's a bigger dosage. So it might, it's gonna be a date with Rachel.

It's going to be a date with one of the kids. It's going to be going and having a cool adventure with one of the kids. It's going to be something that's a little bit bigger, a little bit more time, a little bit more investment either in me or the marriage or the family. Then maybe once a month or six weeks, then it's a really big dose. It's a big trip, a getaway, something special like a seminar, a webinar. I mean, something bigger for myself, for our marriage.

and for the children and for business too. And so if you break it up like that, that's just as worked so well for me and for us to maintain and sustain an extraordinary family life. Sweet. Okay. Thanks for being here. Thanks for listening. Thanks for the work you guys do with your families. If, if you want more help, more tools, more tactics, more systems, more strategies, I have the be the man tribe and masterclass and Rachel has her 20 day challenge group.

And we're here to help. So we love questions. We love helping. We're genuinely desirous. Like as part of our life's work is to practice and try this stuff out for ourselves, with our family, with friends and coaching clients, figure out what works and then share it. And we want to share it because we want like our sincerest desire is for families to be successful and happy and thriving and having.

myself, grown up in families that were not working, and then contrast that with just the absolute wonderful family life we have. I can't help but want that for more families. And that's why we do what we do. This stuff just works and it's awesome. So it's worth every effort to make it happen. Okay, love you guys. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being here, for watching. Reach upward.