#284 Building Family Culture and Emotional Intelligence

0:10

Hey everybody, hope you're having a great week.

If you're not, I hope you pause to reset and recalibrate.

0:27

That's one.

I think that's one of the most important things we can do is if things aren't going like we want just to pause, reset, recalibrate, refill our well and then get back at it.

I think too many of us just keep slogging away when it's not working.

0:46

We might, you know, to use the, the analogy of the, the saw, right?

We're just using that dull saw and it's like it's not working.

It's so frustrating.

We just keep going and like it's got to work and we keep forcing it.

OK, Just stop for a second, sharpen that and and watch how much more effective it feels, how much easier, how much happier you feel.

1:03

You get the fulfillment because you get results just by pausing to to sharpen the saw and to to refill that well because you just feel so empty.

So good reminder for all of us.

Well, plus, I think that that's actually a great tool for building family culture and, and in fact, making that a part of family culture because our children do what they see us do.

1:30

And so if we, if we learn how to do that, then they learn how to do that like automatically.

And so, and, and that is interesting that you bring up the sharpening the saw, because that comes from Steamer Covey, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

1:47

I read that.

I think you did too, back when we were newly married.

And I really feel like that was foundational for our family and creating this framework for how we operate and how we create our family culture.

Like that was a big deal.

And I remember early on I had to keep reminding myself of that because I would be doing things and I would get so frustrated and so annoyed and so angry and irritated.

2:12

And then I was like, oh, I need to sharpen my saw.

Like that's the problem here.

I'm not sharpening the saw 'cause I would get so into doing the projects and doing the things that I would just push, push, push, push, push.

No breaks.

No, I wouldn't mix it up.

2:28

I wouldn't do anything else.

I would just push to do that.

And then I would be angry and frustrated and annoyed and irritated.

And then I'd be like, what's wrong with me?

Why am I so angry?

And I'm like because I'm trying to saw with a dull saw doesn't.

2:44

Work.

So you become, yeah, it's, it's a big deal.

And you become a very dull instrument.

And then instead of cutting, you know, with precision, you just create friction.

Literally just, it's just friction.

And so it's just rubbing and chafing and.

Mess them up.

3:00

And so, yeah, no, I think that's actually important to, I want to emphasize that right now because that piece, because this was before we had children getting that piece.

And then, and it's not like I mastered it before we had kids, but I at least had that framework and that understanding.

3:20

And as I continue to remind myself over the years, that played a huge role in creating the family culture we have because we learned how to sharpen our saw, which helps everything to go so much smoother.

3:35

Because when you feel good as a parent, because you're not just pushing through and you're not just, you know, I don't know.

Suffering.

Yeah, and actually are being productive and effective and getting the rest you need and the recovery you need and reminding yourself of what you're after.

3:56

All of that is so powerful in helping you parent better and helping create more peace in your home, which is what we're all after ultimately, right?

More peace at home by taking those regular breaks.

4:12

And I feel like that that's only like, I've only gotten better and better at that over the years.

Like that's the key principle that as they continue to tweak, it just makes my life so much better.

Because when you do that, because now I'm at the point where I know I need to take a break at least every hour.

4:32

And if I do that, then I like the whole day.

I feel great.

I feel great the whole day.

But if I don't do that, then I start to get tired.

My eyes get tired, I get grumpy, I get headaches.

I like all of these things happen.

And it's not, I used to think that was just random or bad luck or whatever.

4:51

I don't know what I thought it was.

Now I know, oh, it's 'cause I haven't taken a break.

I've been doing this thing for over an hour.

I need a break and I need to do something different and I like to switch it up.

And when I do that I feel great all day long.

But that's, that's magic.

5:09

That's really amazing.

If you think about that, that's really amazing.

So.

It's huge.

So for me, as I've been thinking about family culture and, and this conversation, I was thinking like what what is the underlying foundation of, of family culture?

And I think for me, it's how we feel.

5:25

It's like, what's the what is the predominant emotion or feeling?

No, I don't use your feeling.

What is the predominant feeling in our family?

Because ultimately, I think that that's what matters most.

I feel like you're behind me and I keep having a look over here.

5:43

Ultimately, I think that's what matters most.

In fact, it was mentioned last time, The feeling in the home, the feeling in the family, all that's what we're really after.

We want to have good feelings.

We want to have happy feelings and so the the more we can feel happy and peaceful and joyful, the better the family culture we have because we all feel better.

6:06

And that that is definitely a defining characteristic of our family culture.

Is it?

Well, it's of everybody's family.

Culture is how they feel.

Yes, you're right of how they feel, but I guess what I'm emphasizing is that in our family, most of the time we feel positive emotions.

6:24

I would say that's at least 80% if not.

Way more, I think, yeah. 80 to 90% for.

I'd say 90 to 99.

I'd say 95 to 99.

Right.

But but and and a lot of that is built on how we feel.

6:40

So great question here is what do you do for your breaks and how long are they?

Yeah, so did it.

So my break depends on what I was doing before that.

If I was washing dishes and cleaning up and doing stuff around the house, my break might be sitting down to read something or to even do my Duolingo, or to practice an instrument or to work on something on my computer.

7:10

That would be my break.

If I've been doing something on my computer, then it would, it would just switch.

My break would be getting up and going out.

Like today I got up and I went out and I fed my baby chicks that I'm raising and I picked up some things around the house and I'll load the dishwasher.

7:29

Like that's my break.

So it's ultimately just kind of the opposite of what I was doing as far as physical mental activity, right?

So if I'm doing something really more physical, then I'll take a break with something mental.

7:46

Maybe if I'm doing something more mental or emotional, I take a break by doing something physical where I don't have to think or focus as much.

So I'm just kind of switching back and forth between the type of activity I'm doing.

8:02

Which makes it so sustainable and so enjoyable.

It's very sustainable.

It's huge, so important.

So yeah, it just, and that it doesn't have to be long, you know, my break will be 10/15/20 minutes maybe and then I will go back to what I was doing.

But I feel it's sustainable.

8:21

I feel good still.

And so I'm able to refocus and put in another thirty, 4560 minutes.

Oh, more.

Question.

Oh good.

How do you take a break in the afternoon?

8:38

A lot of times I feel tired in the afternoon, like I need a nap.

So it's hard to know if I need a nap or just push through.

If I ever, if I ever feel tired like that, I don't just push through because that's when I get grumpy.

That's when I get irritated, that's when I get upset.

8:55

Now, I won't necessarily take a nap because 1.

I feel like I'm not good at taking naps either.

One, I can't fall asleep or two, if I fall asleep, then when I wake up I feel groggy and I don't like that.

9:11

What I will do is meditate or I will and meditating.

It doesn't have to be like weird or as complicated as you think.

It's literally just kind of relaxing your eyes, focusing on whatever you're hearing or sensing in the moment.

9:29

So it's just like kind of, you know, the mindfulness thing.

But then it can also be on just Greg's talked often before about a release meditation where you literally just say the word release over, over and over again release.

And that seems kind of silly, but it's just a way of directing your thoughts because you can't get rid of your thoughts.

9:52

I heard someone say it like trying to stop you yourself from thinking is like trying to stop your heart from beating like you can't.

So what you do instead is you just focus your thoughts with one thought over and over again, like release, release.

And that can be really stress release, worry release, whatever you know.

10:11

So that's something I will do instead of a nap, just because I haven't found a good way to do a power nap.

But that's me, that's you.

You're not good at that.

Heather yeah, I just, I I've never been able to nap.

Well, some people are though.

Some people.

So usually when you're afternoon, you're like, oh, and you feel like you need a nap.

10:29

I I found with working with thousands of people over and and paying attention to this for years, It's one or two things you actually do need to like lay down and rest.

And, and there's this thing of called non sleep deep rest where you can just lay down and you literally relax every muscle and you, you kind of focus on one peaceful thing and you can go into a deep, deep relaxed state without sleeping.

10:55

It's really awesome.

Well, I was actually just gonna say, cause another thing I will do, I have my yoga mat in my office and you know, I'll do yoga in the morning, but if I'm tired in the afternoon like that, like I feel like I need a nap, I'll just go down.

There's a, a yoga pose.

I don't know the name 'cause I don't really know yoga that much where you just lay on your back and you just lay flat on your back.

11:16

I'll just do that.

And it's kind of like what you're talking about.

It's a deep rest.

Deep, so a deep non sleep rest.

You could take a nap.

Often, though, what happens?

Well, the other the other side of that like kind of fatigue in the afternoon.

You're like, oh, just tired.

11:32

I feel like I need a nap very often.

We need some water because we're getting dehydrated.

We need a snack because our tank is getting empty.

We need some calories to kind of get us back going.

Right after you eat those too.

Yep, or sometimes you just need to move your body.

So I found that like other times I'm, I'm sitting, I'm like, man, I need a nap.

11:52

Actually, I'll either do the rest thing or I'll just go move my body a little bit.

I'll go walk around, kind of swing my arms, do some jumping jacks, get some water and bam, I'm back at it.

What I needed was a little bit of movement.

So we we feel tired and we think nap.

12:08

Sometimes we do need a nap, but sometimes we just need some more movement.

So great, great question.

Yeah, I think it it just, it takes practicing you practicing it yourself, like trying one or the other and seeing which one works for you because I think it's it, it can definitely be one or the other.

12:24

You just lay there and rest or meditate, quiet your mind, or you go out and move.

Yep, and turn on song.

I mean turn on that.

That would be a great break is to turn on song and literally Just Dance around for a few minutes.

You'll feel fantastic.

Get back in it, right?

12:40

It's a great way.

So again, and the reason we're talking about helping ourselves feel good, the reason we're talking about helping ourselves feel good most of the time is because we are the driving factor for helping our families feel good most of the time.

And so as we're talking about family culture, it's it's ultimately the feeling in our family.

13:02

So as we examine the feeling in our family, we're all familiar with the really awkward, uncomfortable feeling, right?

Or that, that yucky feeling.

13:21

We're all we're all familiar with those things and those come from.

Will you guys tell me what are what are the things that make our families feel off?

What are the things like if you're just referring to family culture and the general feeling in our families, what are the things that make our families feel off or just not good?

13:46

Is that what are the yucky feelings?

Being hangry, Something that can offset our family.

As if someone uses a meeting tone.

Yep, good, excellent.

14:01

Keep going.

I think that's not connecting like when everybody is on its own thing for long periods of time and we lack that connection, then we explode for for the not an important thing.

14:23

We can do a big deal just because we want that attention.

Yeah, Yep.

Those are all excellent examples.

So, so far we have angry tones.

We have feeling disconnected.

And and getting upset over small things.

14:41

Getting upset, What else?

Arguing over little things like clutter or big things are going on like a death in the family.

And if if there's a significant thing like a death in the family that's normal and natural and that's part of the family experience to feel off.

15:01

Yeah, it's like, man, somebody died like that's a big deal.

Or there there was something upsetting, that's a big deal.

That's OK.

It's like we shouldn't, we shouldn't think.

Well, no, no, if somebody dies in the family, that's all right.

We're going to still be happy and joyful and skip around dances.

Like, no, like that's a normal process.

15:16

That would be weird.

What, what we want to do is notice the little things that bring the yucky feelings that that aren't part of the normal healthy family life.

It's like, no, we, we keep getting we're, we're snappy with each other and we don't, we don't need to be snappy with each other.

15:33

Well, I, but I want to add to that what you're talking about with like a death in the family or something like that.

I think I personally think it's important as part of our family culture to normalize those types of things, to not make it bad, wrong, shameful, inappropriate.

15:52

I mean, whatever fill in the blank to have feelings of grief or to be dealing with grief or to have to go through the process of grief.

Like I think 1 of despite the fact that Greg and I said, you know, our family spends 95% of our time in positive emotions, that doesn't mean that we don't feel negative emotions and especially that we don't feel them when we should be feeling negative emotions.

16:21

We're not falsely feeling happy emotions when we should be feeling grief or sadness.

That needs to be a part of the culture and we need to be able to embrace that, normalize it, let our kids know that that's OK to experience those emotions, that there's nothing wrong with you for experiencing those emotions.

16:40

And then we teach, model, process them with them, you know, and help them go through the process.

So that because I think one of the biggest dangers that we see, we were discussing this the other day, feeling negative emotion is normal.

17:01

That's a part of the human experience.

Feeling anxiety, feeling worry, feeling stressed, feeling depression, that is a part of the human experience.

So we never try to take that away from our kids.

If they feel those motions, I'm going to normalize that and validate it.

17:17

What I do want to do, though, is give them the tools to move out of that negative emotion appropriately, right?

Because the biggest mistake we see is that people will get stuck in negative emotion and then identify with that emotion.

17:35

That's when they say I am depressed.

You're literally identifying with the feeling of depression.

No, I, I feel depression sometimes, but I'm not depressed.

I feel anxiety, but I am not anxious, right?

There's a big difference there.

And we kind of think that that doesn't matter.

17:50

It really does matter because there's nothing wrong with feeling anxiety.

There is something wrong with staying in anxiety or staying in depression or staying in grief forever.

Although grief is something that can be tricky and last longer.

18:07

But but the point is we can feel those emotions, but we shouldn't be staying in those emotions.

We need the tools to help ourselves and our children move through those emotions and back into higher level emotions.

That's what we're talking about mostly.

18:22

So when we say we spend most of our time in positive emotion, it's not that we don't feel negative emotion because we do frustration, irritation, annoyance, anger.

And we've gotten to the point and we've been able to teach our kids enough that we can feel that negative emotion and we can move through it and we've learned how to do it even, you know, like with practice, you can learn to do it pretty quickly.

18:48

In fact, right before this started, literally I think it was 3 minutes before it started, my 7 year old had a pretty big emotional upset because she's been spending, I don't know, the last.

Few hours and hours.

19:03

And hours making these little foldable paper Minecraft things.

So she's making little paper Minecraft people and dragon and dragon.

Like she spent hours building this dragon.

She has, I don't know, all of the grass and the bookshelves and all the Minecraft stuff.

19:21

Like this is how she plays Minecraft.

It's with paper.

We have this.

We don't allow our kids to play Minecraft, by the way.

This.

Is how she plays this.

We have a worker here who's from Brazil and she has a little boy that's three.

19:37

And because of the situation and circumstance, when she's doing some work for us, sometimes he comes and plays with our girls.

Well, he's 3 and he smashed a bunch of her Minecraft stuff that she's been working on.

She was upset, understandably so, especially since this is the second time it's happened.

19:58

So I had to go in there.

It was like 3 minutes to starting and I had to help her.

But instead of like tell her it's fine, don't worry about it, just stop, you know, and, and worrying about the I've got to start coaching and this and that.

I, I legitimately just like normalized her emotion because yes, you're going to feel frustrated when something like this happens.

20:20

You've been working on something, someone destroyed it.

That's frustrating, that's irritating.

So I have validated her emotion.

I normalized it, but what I did was focus on what kind of solutions can we do, Like what, what can we do to make this one not happen again and to fix what went wrong.

20:41

And so I just said, you know what, we're going to find a solution.

We're going to find a place to put this where he can't reach it.

And I will happily print out everything else.

You need to be able to remake the ones that got broken.

And that was enough to help her feel better and like, OK, there's a solution here, the world's not ending.

20:59

So that I could then, you know, tell her I love her and come back in here to work.

So, you know, that's a process that 10 years ago would have taken me who knows, like a long time to work through with a 7 year old because I hadn't learned all the skills of for myself, being able to process emotion and then to be able to help my children process it, to be able to focus on the right things and the right words to be able to help them feel better about something or or, you know, to move through it.

21:34

So I don't know, that's just a quick little example.

But essentially what we're trying to focus on is yes, we want to feel good in our families, but not a false happy, just be happy all the time kind of good.

It's a legitimate feeling good where you've work through the negative emotions so you can get back to a more positive emotion.

21:54

So, yeah, critical piece of this then, you know, if we could kind of articulate it and and express it is the ultimately when we focus on the feeling of our family culture, it's experiencing and processing a lot of feelings because you take a family, you got, you know, a family of five, a family of seven, a family of 10, whatever your family size is, it's all those people living together and all having unique individual experiences as well.

22:28

And so there's a lot of feelings going on.

There's a lot of experiences.

So, you know, is, is as we cultivate and, and direct our family culture and the feeling in our families, it's learning how to experience a lot of emotions and, and feelings and process them.

22:48

So we practice processing and, and the one of the questions came in here is like, well, what do you, what suggestions you have for helping them move through emotions?

And it's, it starts with us.

What do we do?

What do you and I do to move through emotions?

23:04

And some of you still might be like, I don't know.

In fact, I have some emotions right now I've never let go of.

I've never processed.

I'm still holding on to them for a long time.

And and so we have to learn for ourselves, like, well, how do I process emotion?

And we practice it and we find tools and then we share those tools and those processes with our kids and we get good at it.

23:26

So we're not faking.

We are not faking.

That's so important.

We are not faking, we're not dismissing it, we're not discounting it, we're not telling them they shouldn't feel that way, to acknowledge it and then learn how to move through it.

23:42

So one of the, the, I think best descriptions of how to tell whether or not you have processed something, some sort of emotion is if you can think or talk about that experience without it bringing up lots of emotion, right?

24:03

If you can think or talk about it in a unemotional way, a matter of fact way.

If, if there's something that I have not processed, then if I try to talk to my husband about it or someone else brings it up, I feel very like avoidant.

24:24

I feel like it might make me cry or it might make me angry.

It feels like it's right near the surface.

Yeah, that is a sign of how to tell whether or not something has been processed right?

Where if you've processed something, if you've worked through it, if you've been able to handle it and then release it, you can talk about that thing and it can be very matter of fact and you can describe how you used to feel about it, but you you don't still feel that way about it.

24:53

If it makes sense now, getting more into detail about how you do that, hands down.

I mean, if we have to pick one thing, essentially human beings process through thinking, and thinking happens best through talking.

25:17

Or writing.

Well, I was going to add writing as a another form of talking.

You're talking to yourself, you're talking to a piece of paper, but it's the same idea.

You're talking, but that talking can happen by talking to another person or it can happen by writing about it.

25:34

Or I've even found sometimes, and and this seems a little weirder because you might people might think you're crazy or something, but sometimes I'll go talk to myself about it in the car or someone.

There was a strategy you heard once about talking to the trees.

You go out into nature and you just talk like you're talking through it.

25:52

You're because most of us think by talking and I I know that especially for me, talking helps way more than just thinking about it.

Because if I just think about it, I feel like all the the thoughts and emotions go around and around in my head, but they never get out.

26:11

And until I get them out, I haven't really processed them because because you are, you're trying to get them out, you're trying to release them, you're trying to have them leave and move on, right?

I don't know how else to describe this, but that to me, that's the idea.

26:27

And so I prefer talking.

And my husband has thankfully learned the skill of listening.

So when I have to talk about something, I talk to him and he listens until again, I know.

And now I've I've learned how to do this process quickly so I can sit down and talk about something and and something that used to maybe take me, I don't know, who knows, a week or more to process.

26:50

It only takes 6 days.

Now it's now six days, I'm down a day.

No, often I can, you know, maybe if it's a long time, it's an hour or two.

But but the point is, by the time I'm done and he's patiently sat through all of that, it's processed, I'm done, the emotions are gone and I feel better and now I can move on.

27:15

I can move on with my day.

I can move on with my life.

Now, it doesn't always take an hour or two.

Sometimes I can talk about things and it's 10 minutes.

I know maybe you don't feel like it's ever that short, but I'm going to start timing to see.

Times an hour feels like 10 minutes for Rachel, Yeah.

27:34

Yeah.

It does.

Hey, that's a really important note though.

You guys who you talk to matters because sometimes you talk to people about something you're trying to process emotion and, and they're not helpful and they, they give it right back to you or they, they pour fuel on the fire and you're like, hey, I, I really need to talk through this.

27:53

And they're like, yeah, oh, that's this.

And they're like, they make it worse.

And afterwards you talk through it and you're like, I don't feel any better.

I did not do any processing there.

It's not gone.

They like they stirred it up and gave it back and now it's worse off or, or I feel better.

28:08

But this person now takes it and like spreads it around the neighborhood or whatever and and yeah, makes it.

Work so there's definitely a caveat there because you do have to be careful and I you know, I know that there are few husbands who can handle that without because the other danger too the other risk and we had to learn this was it used to be I would process by telling him which can come across as complaining or like here's a list of demands you need to take care of and then you would.

28:43

Yeah, I feel responsible for it, Like I have to take care of it or fix it.

So we had we've had to learn this process of like, I'm processing my emotions right now.

I just need to tell them to you.

And he'll be like, oh, OK.

And he listens and then my, you know, he might provide some feedback or thoughts or whatever, and then I get it out, I'm done.

29:02

I move on and we're good.

Neither one of us is, you know, disturbed for the rest of the day by this.

That's maybe an ideal.

But if you can't do that, that's why writing is a great option because I'll just, you know, I've also done that before.

29:17

I'll in fact, one of the strategies is you get a pad of paper like this and you literally just write, write, write, write, write.

And one of the approaches is it can be as blunt, honest, open, rude, horrible as it needs to be if that's the thing that needs to happen.

29:36

But then when you're done, you just RIP it out and you throw it away.

So it's not something you like.

It's not like journaling per SE, right?

You're not going to keep this forever and have your kids read it one day.

It's like I'm trying to figure out, especially if it's really negative or disturbing thoughts, you write it out and then you throw it away.

29:57

You can RIP it up.

You can burn it even if you want.

That's another strategy for processing.

Now I, I'm really focusing on these because I really believe that they can be the most helpful because they're again, going back to talking is thinking, writing is thinking, thinking through these things and getting all of the words out that are related to the emotions you're feeling is very therapeutic, right?

30:26

But another very helpful strategy is doing something physical, almost combative, like punching a boxing bag or we've even had people kicking you.

Literally he has the pads on.

So they're not like actually kicking him, but you know, that's been helpful.

30:46

We had a woman who went through a very difficult divorce and she and her family came to stay with us and were visiting and and I was kind of coaching her and helping her.

Through it and we.

Yeah, we were doing, we, we always do.

Our family always does some martial arts stuff.

And, and she was out there and I said, bye, why don't you come kick?

31:05

She's like, OK.

Oh, man, It was beautiful.

She started to kick and then kick and then kick and kick and kick and cry and kick and cry.

And it was so therapeutic.

It was just this martial arts session that turns into a beautiful therapy session and just she was able to get out anger and frustration and pain and hurt and get it all out and, and it's a good way to process that.

31:31

OK, now since you brought that up, sorry, did you have something?

I just want to reiterate here, like why are we talking about processing our emotions when it's supposed to be talking about family culture and family feelings?

It's because if you and I have all these bottled up, unprocessed feelings, then even if we're trying to create a good family feeling, what we're radiating is something else.

31:54

And so we're like, hey guys, let's go.

And they're like, man, mom or dad feels off.

Like they can tell if I'm, if I'm stressed, I'm worried and I'm like, OK, everybody this, it's a great day to be alive.

And they're like, you're full of it, right?

So So what we're filled with radiates.

32:16

So that's Part 1.

Part 2 is the better we are at processing emotions, the more we can help our kids process motions and.

Then the better we all feel that we're able to process the negative emotions and get back to the positive emotions.

So and the ideal scenario is that we have a whole family, all these individuals that get better and better at processing emotions.

32:36

And so the overall feeling in the family is predominantly positive, right?

I, I was going to add because you brought it up, the crying.

I honestly feel that crying is therapeutic.

32:53

And in fact, if I've gotten to the point where I used to hate it if I cried or I feel like crying, like I just, I hated it.

And it's not like I love it.

Now when I want to cry, I feel like crying or I want to cry.

But I have learned that if I feel like crying, I am going to cry because afterwards I'm going to feel so much better.

33:16

It's another form of just processing those emotions.

I'm going to get it out.

It's just like if there was something in there, just like I'm not going to keep it and hold on to it.

I'm going to vomit it out.

I'm going to like get it out of my body.

So crying to me is another one of those things.

I don't hold back from crying.

33:33

If I feel like crying, I'm going to cry because because that helps me overall to stay in a more positive emotional state where if I, and I've learned from experience, if I hold in that crying, I actually it, it lowers my emotional state over the longer term, right?

33:56

So instead of being at a higher emotional state, I'm now kind of down here because I'm holding in this crying.

Trying so hard not to cry.

Not.

Cry right?

And it's like Nope, not worth it.

I think most of us grew up, we weren't taught how to do it.

I was taught that it would be act like a barbarian.

34:14

And it wasn't my fault.

I just had all these crazy emotions.

And so when we discovered this, we're like, we got to teach this to our kids so they don't grow up like we grew up.

Like give them those tools and strategies.

If you're trying to talk through it, it still feels raw.

34:31

So it comes up and it's right there.

Again, you know what caused it all?

And so we can be tactless and edgy and and emotional.

And so my tone might be off, my volume might be off and has nothing to do with Rachel for examples.

34:49

But I'm bringing all this emotion.

I'm speaking emotion.

And she's like, and so the writing process gets all that out, and then we can talk about it.

Yeah, another powerful strategy and that's, I think just simply being able to name the emotion and getting very specific about it, like getting nuanced.

35:13

It's not just necessarily anger, but it's some other frustration or irritation or annoyance or fear or whatever.

And going back even to one of the previous questions about how do we do this, especially with things that are long term or chronic, a family illness.

35:29

I really find that the best way to help ourselves and our children to process these sort of things, especially if it's something like that that has to do with death or illness or whatever, is to just simply talk about it and name what it is very specifically that we're worried, stressed, afraid of, you know, whatever it is.

35:53

A lot of times we feel like we're afraid to do that.

I don't know why.

I think maybe for me, I felt like if I talked about it, maybe it was more likely to happen to me or I don't know what I thought.

But I realized that the more I can talk about it and the more specific I can be about it, the better it helps me process it.

36:13

And that is true.

I found with our kids that if we can, you know, if they can just say what it is they're afraid of, then it helps to dissipate that fear.

I even just recently found a list of emotions and I had our assistant make it into like APDF where it just literally goes through names.

36:34

Like, I don't know, there's probably over 100 emotions on there.

But it, there's a lot of power in getting very specific with that and saying, Oh, I'm, this is what I'm feeling, you know, because too often we just kind of generalize it.

And I think, at least for me, I have found that if I can find the very specific right word, that really helps me to process the emotion.

36:58

And a lot of times I'll do that.

I'll be, I'll talk to Greg and I'll be like, I'm feeling and it's like I'm looking for the right word.

And when I find that word 1, I might start crying.

Like that's how I know when I found the right word, 'cause I'll be like, that's it, you know, I feel disapproved of or whatever.

37:16

And but then that helps me to process it because I know exactly what it is I'm feeling.

So we need to do the similar thing, the similar thing with our kids is help them get specific.

What is it you're feeling and let's, you know, talk about it and write a letter to that emotion and say, you know, whatever.

37:36

So I, I love that.

That's really good.

OK, I am dying of curiosity here.

Are any of you criers?

Like can you relate to what Rachel was saying?

Like you, you just feel like you got to cry.

37:55

Nobody wants to admit that, babe.

I think it depends on the situation.

I feel like there are times when I cry, but I don't cry often.

I wouldn't say so.

I don't know.

38:11

Yeah.

I think for me it depends on the time of the month really.

About once a month I'm like, I need to cry.

Yep.

I cry all the time.

No, no problems there.

Except the only issue is the only issue is that my husband, if his he grew up in a household where there was like there's unspoken conflict.

38:36

So they never actually engaged in conflict at all.

So if I cry, that triggers him to shut down, like completely like, and this is something I've been learning, like that triggers him and he always takes it as he's doing something wrong or etcetera.

38:54

And he actually emotionally just can't handle me crying.

So that's like a challenging dynamic because I'll cry like, yeah, it doesn't even have to do with him, but right.

39:10

Right, right.

And I feel like you had some of the early on.

Well, a lot of men do.

So thank you so much for bringing this up.

It can either be a man thing or how we were raised.

And and I hear this all the time with even the guys I'm coaching, we talked about today, even like they, they have this thing of like conflict avoidance.

39:33

And so just like you were saying, it's like I just started to cry.

It triggers this conflict avoidance in him.

So he wants to shut down.

He might feel guilty now, might feel like, oh, shoot, it's my fault or something's really wrong.

If I mean if there's crying something's.

It's huge.

39:48

Terrible.

And.

Huge deal or and again, the mind, the mind can jump to all crimes of crazy things, you guys and and you know, as a man, you might be saying your wife just starts bawling and you're like it's.

Is our marriage falling apart like is one of our?

40:05

Does she want a divorce?

Yeah.

Is this what's going on?

Are one of our kids like just Gonzo?

And she's like, no, I burned the dinner.

I'm like, what in the world?

And it's just understanding.

So I'm so glad you brought that up because it's really, really important to understand the people we're communicating with and working through some of those dynamics.

40:30

Right.

Because I know early on in our marriage when I did cry, you did, you thought it was a big deal and you would be like, why are you crying?

It doesn't make any sense.

It's not even a big deal.

Because to me, big deal.

Right.

Like, the only time I've really seen you cry is when your brother died.

40:47

Yeah.

So, you know, for him, it is a big deal where what you did have to learn about me is crying usually came after a whole bunch of little things got stacked until finally, you know, it's like the final straw.

And then I'm in tears and you're like, why is the dinner being burnt worth crying about?

41:07

I'm like, that's not what I'm crying about.

I'm crying about everything that happened for the last month that bothered me.

And that was just the final thing, right?

So that helping me, first of all, I had to understand about that about myself.

And then like, men are from Mars, men are from Venus.

41:23

That really helped me to be able to get the words to help you understand it.

So then now, and you know, it took time to remind you, I'd be like, remember, I'm not crying about the thing.

I'm just crying.

That was that was the catalyst.

41:41

But it's all the things now we'll refer to it like the ocean.

It's like I'm, it's the ocean I'm crying about.

It's all the drops in the ocean.

It's not just the one little drop or the one wave.

It's all of that stuff.

So.

I think that understanding though.

41:58

It's huge.

It's huge because then you're able to say, oh, OK, you at least have a better framework for why I'm crying.

Here's here's something that we learned the hard, slow way that I want to share today that I think I hope will be a super, It'll be a power tool in your families.

42:22

From all the people I've worked, we've worked with and talked with, the vast majority, if not everybody needs to vent, but venting looks differently for each of us.

42:40

OK, now, like slip this into context here with family culture.

We have nine people in our family.

That means there's nine people that need to vent, and they all vent differently.

That that one cognitive realization is an absolute game changer in family dynamics.

43:01

If we just remember, oh, all nine of us need to vent occasionally.

And Rachel, sometimes she'll vent with tears, sometimes not.

Some of our kids, they'll vent with just talking.

43:18

They get, they get excited, they get animated.

Then they just got to all come out and it seems maybe angry or sometimes it sounds a lot like complaining or they sound like they're just really annoyed or bothered.

And we saw them like, oh, venting.

43:36

And so like Natalie, what you were saying with your husband and, and each of us, just like with our spouse or with our kids, we can even articulate that and say, babe, if I come in and I'm like, I'm super fired up, I'm not directing it at you.

43:52

I'm venting about something that was really bothering me and it might, I might raise my voice and I'm like getting it out.

And then she can, she can be supportive and a good listener.

They're like, oh, he's venting and saying that's what I had to do with crying.

44:09

It's like, oh, it's not this huge deal.

I haven't done anything wrong.

She had to keep telling me he's like, you know, I'm just I'm venting.

I'm just getting it all out.

All the stuff that's been bothering me and and that was a just a huge shift in our dynamic.

And I hope hopefully that's a power tool for you guys.

Each person in your family will have to vent in some way to get it out in the process.

44:30

And if you know that you don't have to take any responsibility for it.

You don't have to be upset about it.

It's like, oh.

Venting and I think tying this together in a way, because we were talking about having good feelings in our home, we mentioned a bunch of the things that contribute to not having good feelings, one of which can be getting upset over small things.

44:54

If we can begin to realize and recognize patterns that, you know, sometimes that's a form of venting.

And then if we can, cause here's one of the keys, I think, and it, it's obviously challenging and it takes practice, but we can, when we can recognize that someone is just venting and we can acknowledge and validate their emotion because you're like, yeah, I get it.

45:20

I've been there.

I've felt that way before.

That dissipates the emotion rather than spreading it and multiplying it because if they have that emotion and then I take on that emotion and then I spread it to the next one.

Like that's how we create the feelings we don't want in our family.

45:38

Just like what what's happened with my seven-year old right before the story I told you.

I've developed the ability most of the time, not all the time that when my children are experiencing some sort of emotion and you know, it was a pretty intense emotion for her.

She's a pretty, I mean, she's hyperactive.

45:57

She has a lot of, but she's not.

Emotionally.

She's emotionally, she's in, she's positive most of the time.

She doesn't have a lot of negative emotion, but she was like sobbing in tears, you know, And if I take that emotion and I'm like, oh, I'm all upset and I'm stressed and I, you know, what are we going to do?

46:18

It's a big deal.

It's a big problem.

Then now I have it and I spread it to you and I spread it to you guys and coaching.

Like, you know, I just spread on the negative emotion where if I can see that as she's venting, she's feeling this emotion, that's OK.

46:35

I'm going to validate it.

I'm going to acknowledge it.

I'm not going to make her feel like she's weird or wrong for being upset that her things were destroyed.

That's normal.

I would feel that way too.

Then it dissipates.

It helps her move through it.

46:52

And none of us have to be stuck in negative emotion.

We get to move on with all the things that we need to do, right?

So I think that's a key piece there to recognizing all of these things that are going on, all of these emotions that are happening, all of the the irritations, annoyances, frustrations, right?

47:14

Our job is not to take all of that on ourselves.

Our job is to get the tools to help others move through it.

And, and again, you guys have heard us say you can't.

Well, of course you can't draw from an empty well.

47:33

You have to be full.

So you have to be filled with positive emotion.

First of all, if you're a negative emotion, you can't help.

I know that.

I've learned that if I'm in a negative emotional state, I cannot help them get to a better emotional state.

I first have to be in a better emotional state in order to be able to help them.

47:52

It's like the drowning analogy.

If you're drowning, you can't save someone else who's drowning.

You have to be standing on the edge of the riverbank.

You have to be standing on solid ground before you can help save someone who's drowning.

And emotion, you know, emotions can be very powerful.

48:10

You can feel like you're drowning in emotion.

So that's one key.

The other is I have to have walked the path myself.

Like I've had to have learned how to do these things so that I can tell my kids, share with my kids, model for my kids, how to do that as well.

48:28

So that when they feel those negative emotions, I have the tools because I've done it to be able to share with them and say, hey, here's what you do.

Let's process this emotion and move on.

So good.

So, so good.

48:45

Did we address that one?

Right now, Yep.

I don't know if I can jump in a little, yes.

Of course.

Absolutely.

I guess that sort of brought up something for me and I'll just go back to my husband as an example.

49:02

Like he, I don't think really ever outwardly expresses or does anything to diffuse his emotion, his negative emotions, 'cause that was the way he grew up.

That was seen as like a really bad thing.

Or like if you do, it's something huge.

49:20

So, so you know, in the dynamics up till now, often sometime if he expressed something negative, sometimes I'll cry or something like that, right.

Which is a feedback for him not being safe to express negative emotions, which makes me feel cut off, you know, emotionally disconnected, right?

49:44

It just leads to emotional disconnection.

So I'm just kind of wondering.

So developing these better tools, I can see how if I can come into a place where he's able to express or may be able to make it safe for him to express where his negative emotions aren't going to trigger me, a cry reflex, right?

50:06

It's not triggering for me, then it'll start creating a safer place for him to express himself.

And so I'm kind of wondering for because I think right now I'm in a position where in our 18 years of history, I'm not a safe place for him, but I'm also maybe the only place he has to express that sort of things because he's a very private person.

50:28

And so I'm just kind of wondering like if you have some tips or tools for me or people like me who want to create a safer place for their husbands to be able to share more of themselves and especially the negative, the negative side in which they've been taught that it's not like it's not something you should.

50:52

I wanted to say, like, force people on.

It's like, like he thinks you should never express negative emotions because that's a burden that you're unduly placing on others.

And he doesn't, you know?

So I'm kind of like wondering how to approach that from nice direction.

51:13

Wow, thank you so much for sharing that and, and asking that question.

So First off, so I, I work with men and I have a tribe of men that I work with and I coach men and, and I want to first of all say to, to all of you, that's, that's quite normal for men to not want to share their emotions, to not want to share the negative emotions, because it's like the last thing a man wants to be is a burden on somebody else.

51:40

There's also kind of this underlying myth that it's weak, it's not manly, it's not tough if you're like, hey, I'm really struggling with this and this is really hard for me.

So that's normal.

And then men want to be private with those kind of things.

They want to, you know, let everyone think that they got it all together and they want to be private with.

51:59

So totally common among men.

A man's biggest fear is being seen as a failure.

Failure.

Yeah, yeah.

It's not even failing.

It's being seen as a failure.

So.

So what you're describing is that I'm like, yeah, very, very manly.

So one of the reasons I created this tribe is I realized like men need men.

52:19

Men need a group of men they trust where they can come and express the negativity, express the fears and the worries and the concerns and not feel like it's this big heavy burden.

And, and I don't have anywhere to go.

And if I bring it to my wife, I might crush her because she's delicate and feminine and she's, I'm here to support her, beautiful.

52:41

And if I come in and I'm like, ma'am and she's like crying, I'm like, look what I've done.

And then I feel worse because I just crushed my wife.

So men need men.

That's kind of a a side note where we can really connect and talk and process those things.

52:58

But what you were saying was so insightful that we inadvertently teach our kids or our spouses like, oh, you can't come to me and share that stuff because look at my reaction, right?

53:13

Which wasn't your fault, wasn't your intention.

Like he comes, says something, you're like, he's like, well, I'm not doing that again.

And our kids will do the same thing.

Our kids will come and say hey mom and dad.

I broke.

I I don't know if I believe in God.

53:28

What?

How?

Dad, no, child, how could you say have faith?

Let's call the preacher and do it like a demon casting out and the kids like, I'm never bringing that up again.

Holy guacamole, right?

53:43

Because we overreacted or yeah, that they broke something.

They're like, man, I'm never telling them if I make a mistake again.

So we we inadvertently sometimes create that space.

And so, and I would say, Natalie, in your situation, it's it's really pronounced because of the way he was raised.

54:08

Let that sink in.

So we all come with this, the way we are raised.

And so it's already being really sensitive to it.

Then we tempt it like whoop, it kind of reconfirms the bias, right?

So your question is amazing.

54:23

It's like, how can I be a safe place to start encouraging him to open up more?

Well, one of the first things I thought of is that, and this is true with everybody, our children, our spouse, that anything, any sort of behavior, essentially behavior, let's stick with that.

54:44

Any sort of behavior that we want more of, we have to pay close attention to and acknowledge it.

So in this case, anytime he shares anything with you, you know, just in simple ways, you can just let him know you appreciate that.

55:04

And it doesn't have to be weird.

It doesn't have to be like you were saying, like, Oh my gosh, thank you.

You shared that with me.

You never share anything with me.

Thank you know, it doesn't need to be dramatic.

It just needs to be simple.

Like thank you for sharing that with me.

I appreciate it.

Well, Rachel will like just just put her hand on my arm and be like I love it when you share things with me.

55:24

Just that and and to your husbands, like that's, that's huge.

You just you just put a lot of weight on something positive.

When you're like I, I seriously, I just love it when you share your feelings with me.

55:40

Or I'll even do something like, you know, and I've noticed that I don't, it's not like I intentionally do this now.

It's just natural.

Like I just feel like this is how I feel.

But if he starts talking or telling me something that I like that he's telling me, like I get closer, you know, I'll sit on his lap.

56:00

Maybe I'll kiss him.

I'm just automatic.

Whatever I'm doing, I'm going to keep doing this, but.

I'm just automatically response, so I'm in my body language.

I'm expressing how I feel about what he's doing, and that naturally makes him want to do more of that thing because he's like, oh, I like this, you know?

56:20

So it's subtle ways of just showing appreciation for when he does it, even in the smallest way.

And maybe that just starts by him telling you something about his day or something that happened with somebody he talked to or whatever.

You just continue to reaffirm that type of behavior and they will automatically subconsciously do more of it because as humans, we're, we're wired that way.

56:46

We're wired to do more of the things that make us feel good.

And so if they feel good, if they get a positive response from you, then subconsciously they're saying, oh, I'm going to do more of that thing.

That's one of the things I thought of.

The other was because this is a tricky part too, because in the name of wanting to recondition your husband to share things with you, you don't necessarily want to stifle your own emotions either.

57:15

What I have learned to do is to diffuse the situation with humor.

So if he tells me something and I'm glad he told me, but it makes me cry, I'll cry, but I'll start laughing at the same time.

So I'll be laughing and crying at the same time and I'll be like, this is so stupid.

57:31

I don't want to be crying right now.

I'm so glad you shared with this with me.

But I feel whatever XYZ and that's why I'm crying.

So it's like I'm, I'm, I'm doing that same thing of reaffirming that I'm glad I shared this with you.

But it is also it's hard.

57:48

It's it's hard or it's whatever.

Like maybe I'll be like, I feel sad because you had a tough childhood.

And so I don't mean, I don't know, whatever the feeling is, I try to be like, I, I think I've talked about this before.

I try to always be emotionally honest.

58:05

So whatever it is I'm feeling, I want to share with him as tactfully as possible.

I'm not trying to hurt his feelings or I'm not trying to make him feel bad or make him feel pressure or whatever.

But I want to be honest with sharing how I feel, right?

58:23

But I will also diffuse it with humor and, and laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation.

Like, Oh my gosh, this is so stupid.

I'm crying about it, you know, so that we both kind of feel like, yeah, this is kind of stupid, but funny but honest at the same time, you know?

58:43

And I feel like I, I think it's effective, maybe.

Yes, and and it depends on the the thing here's here's the other thing I've noticed with working with a lot of people in general, and I'm generalizing in general, women are not designed, built and created to be good recipients of of heavy negative things from their husbands.

59:10

Well, because if you because if you look at personality traits in general, like every single human being on the planet has about 5 generalized personality traits.

We all have them, but we all have them in a varying scale, like from zero to 99.

59:29

In general, women tend to have more neuroticism, which means you tend to see things more negatively than men might see them.

Now some people believe in I.

I agree that this is just a natural part of our biology because it helps us to worst case scenario, keep infants alive, right?

59:52

If you are worrying about your infant and worrying about what might happen to them, that's actually a good thing because it helps to keep them alive.

Now the danger with that is then as our children grow up, we can still continue to baby them when they need to become adults, but.

1:00:10

That natural biology is there to help us in the reproduction of the species and keeping the most vulnerable humans alive, which are which are babies, right.

So for example.

So in general, I women are are more warriors than men, right?

1:00:26

So like, I have what?

I'm on that scale.

I'm a 50 in neuroticism. 60 or something.

I think I'm A50.

Come on, I think you're 70.

No, come on, I'm a 50A damn 52, whatever.

It doesn't matter.

He's a zero.

1:00:43

OK, so I am 50 times more neurotic than he is, which means I am going to have way more negative emotion than him, about 50 times more negative emotion than him about whatever.

So.

If I come and share something.

1:01:01

Well, OK, not just if you share.

Like something negative, like something.

Yeah, very huge negative.

Like I think I'm a failure and I will never be able to do this thing.

If he shared that with me, I am going to have a 50 times more negative response to that thing then he will, right.

1:01:19

He could have those thoughts and emotions and the next moment be fine or the next day be fine.

Where that could be crushing to me if I thought, oh, my husband, he's going to fail and never will make amount to anything and we'll all starve and we'll have to live in the street.

1:01:38

And you know, I will catastrophize that because I have way more neuroticism than he does.

So if we want to apply this generally, and there's no way to know specifically for any of you, but generally you likely have more neuroticism than your husbands do.

1:01:59

Which means, in general, it's not necessarily always a good idea or a man to share all of his negative feelings with you because you may catastrophize them.

That's it.

1:02:16

It's, it's a pretty safe general rule.

And, and in years and years and years working with couples, that's what I've seen.

So men are like, I'm trying to be vulnerable and open with my wife.

But every time I do this, it's like I dropped a bomb.

Like, Yep.

So don't do that.

Call me, but these are my coaching clients.

1:02:33

I'm like, something terrible happens at work.

Legit call me, scream, yell, vent, let's prosper this whole thing on the on the drive home and we're going to get all that emotion out.

We're going to come up with some loose solutions.

And then you get home, you've processed it.

1:02:49

You walk in the door, you're like, yeah, babe, man, had a rough day.

This happened, this happened.

But I think, I think we can do this, this or this.

So I'm feeling good about it.

That's what you say with your wife instead of getting home like my partner's a piece of garbage.

The business going to fail and then wow, man, that's not a good move.

1:03:12

So just in general, that can be just by the very nature of men and women and the mascot and feminine, that can be a challenging thing.

Yes.

And of course, you know that's not always 100% true.

If you want to get specific with these things, you can't actually take the personality.

1:03:28

Yeah, that's how you're thinking.

Take it.

And then you can know, you can say, Oh my gosh, my husband is a 15 in neuroticism and I'm A7.

You know that could be a possibility.

Or you.

Know my female clients was a 99 it's the highest you can get I'm like Ding Ding Ding now we know why you worry about.

1:03:46

Everything.

You're a 99, right?

She was the highest on the scale.

But it is helpful to know that about yourself because for years, you know, Greg and I used, I mean, we would have these experiences traveling the world, doing different things.

1:04:03

And he would have one memory of it and I would have another.

And he would be like, why do we remember it differently?

And then when we finally took this personality test, we're like, oh, that's why you are A50, which which in reality, you know, that's right in the middle.

1:04:20

So I'm actually normal.

That's a normal level of neuroticism, right?

He's abnormal because he has zero.

That's just weird.

Something's wrong with him.

Sometimes I have to remind him.

I'm like babe remember you have 0 neuroticism so maybe you're not seeing things clearly.

1:04:41

No I crystal clear 0 neuroticism.

But it, it became very helpful for us to know that because now we can be like, oh, well, that's, that's my higher levels of neuroticism, right?

And the personality test it's at, I think, understand myself.

1:04:57

Yep, understandmyself.com.

Yep.

It's $10.

And if you do it and your spouse does it, then they'll give you your assessment and then they'll give you a couples assessment.

Yeah, it's really, and it'll, it'll, it'll coordinate like, oh, you're really high in this.

You're really low in this.

So this is how you guys can work together or you're shaming this.

1:05:15

So watch out for this cuz you're both the same in that one thing.

It's really powerful.

He actually did.

I mean, if you're interested in finding it fascinating, we actually did an entire episode where we walked through our own scores and talked about them like what he was and what I was and what it means.

1:05:31

So that was interesting.

I think it was just yeah, like personality test or something.

It was super good.

OK, one more, one more thought I want to share.

If you have noticed again, we're just creating awareness and mindfulness.

If you have noticed a tendency in yourself during a don't do it in the moment, but during a normal good positive interaction, remind your spouse that that's your tendency.

1:06:03

So Rachel had to remind me several times.

She's like, babe, I'm not crying because it's a big catastrophic deal.

I'm not crying because it's the end of the world.

I'm not even crying because I'm that upset.

It's like, I just feel like crying.

1:06:21

I know you might not understand it, but I feel like I have a need to cry and I didn't understand it because I don't have a need to cry, but Rachel has a need to cry.

Sometimes you have a need to like hit stuff.

Right, and I'm like, no, I gotta go punch a punching bag.

She never goes out and punches the punching bag.

1:06:38

And so I was like, oh, well, I can understand that.

Sometimes I want to scream and yell and punch things, but you don't ever do that.

And sometimes you don't want to cry, but I don't ever do that.

And and in in positive moments where she wasn't crying, if she was doing while she's crying, I'm like, but it's like, hey, everything's great.

1:06:54

And she's like, hey, babe, like I've noticed, like I know it's, it's totally different from you and you might not get it, but like, I have a need to cry.

So I cry.

And crying is just a way of processing emotions for me.

So, so if I'm crying, like I don't want you to feel like it's a big catastrophic deal.

1:07:11

I'm just, I'm just crying.

And if she reminds me of that, then psychologically I'm like, oh, I don't have to catastrophize as a man thinking, oh, great, I've totally broken my wife.

1:07:27

It's the end of the end.

Like, oh.

But sometimes I like, I will.

I'll remind you when I'm crying.

I'm like, hey, I know I'm.

Crying, but it's because you explained it to me beforehand in a good situation like hey, crying isn't is.

Steal for me.

1:07:42

Rather than bringing it up in that moment where you're like, what?

So I know, I know this is true.

Some of you need to let your husbands know that you vent and it sounds like complaining, but you're not complaining, you're just venting.

1:07:58

And you need to remind your husband that you're like, hey, babe, sometimes I just feel like I need to say it out loud.

I got all this stuff in my head.

I get all worked up and it's it's not you, it's not your fault, It's not even a big deal.

Literally I'm just venting and I love it.

1:08:14

If you just listen, you don't have to solve anything.

It's like I'm just blowing off some steam and afterwards I feel better.

And you don't have to like take it on.

You don't have to absorb it.

It's not, I'm not attacking you.

In fact, it has nothing to do with you personally.

I'm just venting and I love it.

1:08:29

If you'll just sit there and listen while I kind of vent out loud and then then I'll feel better.

And if you remind him of that, he's going to be like, oh, that totally makes sense.

Instead of sitting here like I'm married to the like the biggest complainer on the planet.

1:08:46

Like this is ridiculous.

Like, oh, she's just venting.

She's processing out loud because men, most men do not process out loud.

We process silently men and we hold on to it.

We go in our little man cave and we don't say anything.

So for a woman to be like, you're like, what is wrong with you complainer, right?

1:09:09

We just don't get it.

So that reminder is so powerful, so in your case, and I, and I know you're, you are not isolated, Rachel.

Rachel's a perfect example for you, for Rachel, for those of you cry, remind your husbands that it's not the end of the world because the only reason he would cry would be the end of the world, right?

1:09:29

That is so important.

OK, we got some other good comments here.

Let's see.

Laura's asking if the if the test is for families, too.

1:09:49

Yeah, we had all of our older kids do it.

It was amazing.

And we also talked, they don't do the comparison with families, but what we did do is every one of our, our older kids did it.

And then we sat down together and we talked about them and read through them.

1:10:05

And it was really fun and fascinating and interesting and, and insightful because then you're like, oh, yeah, no wonder.

And then sometimes there'd be some things we'd play in tease about, you know, one of our kids it.

Was.

Insightful.

What's the phrase?

We always laugh about excessive supervision.

1:10:22

We're only like, Oh yeah, you need excessive supervision, remember?

So like, here's the comment that came in.

The daughter just recently took it and she had a 99 in neuroticism, OK.

And she got a zero in intellect, which is not your capacity to learn.

1:10:38

Yeah, that's not what intellect.

Is the same as like your intelligence?

It is not intelligence.

Intellect in this case refers to like interest in certain topics or like I, I, it's been a little while, so I'll have to look it up again because every there's five major personality traits, but each one of those is to divide it into, I think two different things.

1:11:04

So it has to do with like openness, interest in beauty, art, different things, like different ideas.

So what it essentially means, especially zero in intellect, means that there's a lack of interest in.

Certain things.

1:11:20

Certain ideas?

Which generally just means like she hasn't been exposed to a way that it's relevant or interesting for her.

So the question, the question in here is like, hey, she's a 99 to 0.

Is this indicative that change is needed or that's just how she's created?

Now I want to emphasize so emphatically here.

1:11:37

Nothing in personality is permanent.

It is not a fixed trait that you're stuck with.

In fact, there's a book called Personality Isn't Permanent.

Which is excellent.

Yeah.

But it's definitely all changeable.

I would say generally their suggestion from that personality test is that, yeah, it's better to not be on the extreme ends.

1:12:05

So especially in something like neuroticism, yes, it would be better to, you know, develop that and to bring that neuroticism down.

But then again, you know, some people are just naturally higher in it than others.

And they can they can learn with mental models to come down and and go up and intellect.

1:12:22

The the risk with zero in neuroticism for me is is like in the test.

It's like people in the low end can be unbelievably naive like that.

They have no, they're they're just clueless that anything can be risky or dangerous or bad in the world.

1:12:40

And obviously I have worked.

Through that, that's actually a wrong score for you, but that's just my opinion.

But is this why homeschooling would be challenging?

Yeah, that would definitely contribute to.

Specifically with certain topics and.

1:12:55

Subjects, well, the intellect and the neuroticism would both contribute to challenges with homeschooling.

OK, yeah, the website again is understand.

I think it's understand myself.

Yep.

Understand.

Myself.com, Understand yourself.

1:13:12

No, it's understand myself, understandmyself.com.

OK, here's another one.

How about the situation where your husband won't speak about his minor irritations and it comes out later in passive aggressive comments?

Pretty normal human behavior for men and women.

1:13:30

Basically not good at expressing any boundaries that he has.

And then that's there.

That's a different skill set.

It is so relieving to me when he does express his irritations and limits because it removes my guessing game.

1:13:47

And you got to tell him that and you got to teach the kids that and you have to practice it yourself.

Like so that it's not and I'm not attacking you.

I'm not exploding on you and not vomiting on you.

Like hey this man, this really I'm just feeling off today because this little thing just really bugs me.

1:14:04

Well, so the key here is going back to what you're saying, any behavior you want repeated, you have to emphasize that.

So when he does do that, say thank you so much, that's so helpful.

It removes the guessing game.

It helps me feel so much better to when you just tell me what you're irritated about or what your boundaries are.

1:14:22

Otherwise I'm in my head worrying that it's something else, that you know, this other big problem.

And then the other thing and and this takes practice, I know, and it takes awareness, but we've just gotten good at being able to voice these certain things.

1:14:41

Like the very fact that you worded this question and you put this here, you just with practice, learn how to word it in the moment to say, I feel like you're irritated about something, but I'm not sure what that is.

And maybe you have some sort of boundary about this, but I don't know.

1:14:59

I really just appreciate it when you tell me.

So I'm not guessing like that time XYZ when you did it.

You just have to learn how to be very explicit, very direct.

And you can learn to do that without being like rude or harsh.

1:15:15

But that is the thing that will start to make the changes because then you're bringing awareness to the situation, which helps them to have more awareness of what they're actually doing.

A lot of good times people are doing things like that.

They're not aware that they're doing it.

It's automatic.

1:15:32

Subconscious.

Subconscious, habitual behavior.

It's like memorized behavior they're not thinking about.

It usually from when they're very little.

So OK, let's take a kid who when they express something, their, their parents get after them.

1:15:48

Bam, it's a negative experience.

They're like, well, I'm not expressing anything anymore.

And so then they become an adult and they're not.

It's just automatic.

It's just forgotten a long time ago.

But that's what they do.

So let's play out a scenario here though.

So you let's say that I want you to express your concerns more so I'm not guessing.

1:16:06

And so I'm like, babe, I, I, I honestly, I really appreciate it when you just tell me what's bothering you so that I don't have to try to guess.

And she's like, OK, fine, this bothers me.

And I'm like, what, how on the, and I react.

Well, she's like, I, I said one thing and I did another and you didn't.

1:16:23

And and she's like, I'm not doing that again because you got the reaction.

So I have to be like, like, if you express what's irritating to you, I have to be able to especially.

When I'm like, fine.

Yeah, I'm like, woo, OK, I still have to not make it so negative.

1:16:39

I mean, if it bothers me, it bothers me, and I don't have to pretend that it doesn't bother me.

But I don't want to react in a way that discourages her from ever expressing it again.

So just just a little role play.

Point is all of this, this whole process, the things we're talking about, it's not comfortable or fun or unawkward or, you know, like those things will happen, but the if we avoid it because of those things, then we never get past it to the point where it becomes more natural and just a part of your way of being.

1:17:17

So we have to be willing to experience those emotions and, you know, be willing to be uncomfortable saying something to our spouse that we know is a little bit edgy or, you know, not like we're intentionally pushing buttons, but a little bit.

1:17:39

Because bringing awareness to something is a little bit like pressing a button.

But it's not done to manipulate or to control.

It's done to have awareness and to create change and to process and work through.

So when you do it from the right place, it still can definitely be uncomfortable, but it doesn't have to be.

1:18:04

The outcome is not negative.

So I think I think visually, if this is helpful, it's taking the issue and setting it on the table instead of taking the issue and throwing it at your spouse, right, right.

If it's a brick, you're like, you know, I'm going to set this on the table so we can talk about it.

Let's.

Look at it and examine it.

1:18:20

Throw it at them and like, bam, I'm like, I wasn't trying to hurt you.

I was trying to talk about it.

And that takes some practice and some tact.

Ruth, this is great.

So Ruth is in, she in neuroticism was 84th and her husband was 94th.

1:18:38

So he's even higher.

But both of you guys are super high, which tells us that at the beginning, at the end of last year, you guys were probably pretty stressed often and worrying about things a lot or at least have a tendency of the potential to worry.

1:19:00

And when I remember when I first talked to him, he was very much worried about a lot of things, which seems like he has learned he's come way off of that man, way off of that.

That's awesome.

So again, we're none of us are stuck there, you guys.

Yep, that's awesome.

1:19:16

Yeah, it would be interesting if you took it again.

Yeah, he says.

You can take it again, but you should wait long enough that you don't remember the questions, I think is what he said so that you don't know what the questions are going to be.

OK, this was good.

1:19:32

This is fantastic.

Let's wrap it up.

That was really good.

Lots of good stuff.

So remember, one of the core elements of family culture is the overall feeling of the family.

So my invitation for you this week is just to pay attention to it.

1:19:48

Just kind of notice.

What would you say is the overall feeling of the family this week?

Just notice.

And this might be a normal week or might be an unusual week.

And even if it's unusual, it's like, what is it this week and why?

If it's a normal week, so what's what's the normal feeling?

1:20:04

And notice that.

And then notice your own feelings and how how much that affects the family, how much it affects you.

Even if the family's feeling good but you're feeling off, just pay attention to those things and then.

Practice processing yourself and practice helping all of the other members of the family process as well.

1:20:25

Which just to kind of emphasize a final point here, sometimes that's just as simple as bringing awareness to what's happening.

Kind of like you're saying, taking the thing and setting it out in front of you in a way and saying, what is this?

1:20:41

And one thing I will do is I'll just start naming things.

I'm like, is this frustration, irritation, annoyance, anger?

And Greg used to not like that because he felt like I was putting words in the kids mouths or whatever.

But I like it because it's almost like this process of elimination because if I say, are you feeling irritated?

1:21:02

And he's like, no, I'm not.

I'm like, OK, we know it's not irritation.

She keeps pushing them like now I'm irritated.

Gosh, woman, let me think for a minute.

OK, I will say that in general, again, I'm generalizing.

In general, men are slower, yes, to answer.

1:21:17

So she's like, what are you feeling?

And he's like, what you think about it and.

Then I'll think he didn't hear me and I'm.

Asking it, I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

And so she starts naming all this stuff and I'm like, I'm still thinking, woman, like, how can you expect me to identify my thing when you keep throwing the wrong thing at me?

1:21:34

And so I'm just slower.

And she's like, why aren't you answering me?

I'm like I told you, I'm thinking.

Yes, so I mean that is a great thing to remember.

So I've learned, I think that I'll do that.

But then I'll give it like, you know, I'll say, oh, what are you thinking or feeling?

1:21:51

And then I'll maybe I'll mention a couple things, but then I will wait and then I'll remind myself and I'll say and then take.

Off.

Don't you think I'm still waiting?

I'm going to keep being patient.

They'll say that out loud so he knows I'm being.

I'm sitting here being patient, I said.

1:22:07

Babe, you asked me what I think, so I'm thinking about what I.

Think which we have to remember.

Why don't you think out loud?

I'm like, I don't do that.

Because I think out loud.

So what I'll be like, why aren't you thinking out loud?

Like that's what you're supposed to be doing, thinking out loud so we can figure it out together.

1:22:26

But you know, many men process internally and so you have to give them that space to do that.

I do like it with the kids though, because I feel like, well, especially the girls, of course, and some of the boys that if you give them going back to kind of what we talked about with the list of emotions, if you give them some words, it's helping them identify what what it is that they are feeling so that they can kind of put their finger on it.