April 2, 2025

#306 How to Achieve Work-Life Balance as a Mompreneur Without Burning Out

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Achieving work-life balance as a mompreneur can feel impossible, but the small decisions you make every day can either help you manage overwhelm or contribute to burnout.

In this episode, we dive deep into how to create a work-life balance without sacrificing your well-being, ambitions, or the time you spend with your children. We discuss the challenges of being both a businesswoman and a present mom and explore how to find a delicate balance between family life and career goals.

Are you struggling to balance your business/career while being a present mom at the same time?

(We had multiple technical issues with this episode. Please forgive the sudden ending).

Achieving work-life balance as a mompreneur can feel impossible, but the small decisions you make every day can either help you manage overwhelm or contribute to burnout.

In this episode, we dive deep into how to create a work-life balance without sacrificing your well-being, ambitions, or the time you spend with your children. We discuss the challenges of being both a businesswoman and a present mom and explore how to find a delicate balance between family life and career goals.

A listener co-owns a real estate brokerage with her husband, feels conflicted about slowing down to be a better mom.

She feels the pressure to create something extraordinary in both her career and personal life, wanting to provide her kids with a quality education, social experiences, and a well-rounded upbringing. She worries about burnout, being pulled in multiple directions, and her current efforts to control outcomes are pushing her kids away.

We share strategies for navigating these pressures, setting boundaries, and prioritizing your values. We emphasize that balance doesn’t mean perfection—it means creating systems that allow you to manage both your career and family life with ease. From setting clear goals to modeling healthy boundaries and promoting self-directed learning, we offer practical advice to help you stay grounded, avoid guilt, and thrive as both a mom and an entrepreneur.

If you're ready to stop burnout and create more harmony between your career, homeschooling, and family life, tune in for actionable tips that will help you succeed in both your business and motherhood journey.

✅ It's possible to balance your business and family life without feeling overwhelmed.

✅ Set healthy boundaries and 'chunk time' to avoid burnout and create space for 'being present'.

✅ Holding high standards can be done without pushing your kids away.

✅ Prioritize a vision for your family to stay focused on what truly matters.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Extraordinary Family Life

01:13 Listener Question

03:34 The Desire for Homeschooling

04:56 Vision and Clarity in Parenting

09:38 Facing Obstacles in Family Life

12:52 Quality vs. Quantity in Parenting

16:25 Setting Boundaries as a Parent

20:27 Strategic Time Management for Family Engagement

21:44 Navigating Chaos with Calmness

24:04 The Dangers of Control in Parenting

27:26 The Irony of Control and Surrender

30:13 Self-Awareness as a Catalyst for Change

33:05 Learning Parenting as a Skill

34:31 Balancing Control and Freedom

36:54 Establishing Boundaries with Flexibility

40:33 Teaching Independence through Routines

Memorable Quotes:

🗣 “Work-life balance is not about perfection—it’s about the yin-yang harmony in your life.”

🗣 “Being present with your children is one of the most important gifts you can give them.”

🗣 “You can't control every aspect of your children’s lives to have them turn out well.”

🗣 “Burnout is a signal that something needs to shift—pay attention and adjust.”

🗣 “Systems reduce stress and make life easier for everyone.”

RESOURCES:

Let us help you in your extraordinary family life journey.

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Greg's ⁠⁠Recommended Reading List for Parents & Youth⁠⁠
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Join the Family Life Coaching Workshop Series for busy moms
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Transcript

0:00

You have to get clarity.

What's your target?

0:02

What's your goal?

We cannot even move forward unless we have a clear vision.

0:07

Let's focus on coming up with a solution and then do the thing you want.

Those challenges are what will make you become this best version of yourself.

0:16

If you think a little bit of quality time will be enough for your store in your family life, you are

delusional.

0:23

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast.

We are your host, Greg and Rachel Denning, and as always, doing everything in our power to help you

0:31

create your extraordinary family life and wake up everyday happy, well, joyful, excited, fulfilled.

Like looking forward to living the life you dream of instead of and as in some cases, the nightmare

0:49

you're living in, right?

Because you're living the family dream.

0:52

All right, so let's just dive right in.

We got an absolute phenomenal question.

0:55

We're going to read through the whole question and then this.

This will probably end up being 2 episodes because the question is so good.

1:01

Yes.

OK.

1:02

So I'm just going to read it and then we will try to not get distracted and come back to address

things.

1:07

No promises.

Right.

1:09

My husband and I are successful real estate brokerage business owners.

I'm a driven, focus, successful business woman.

1:17

I can relate with a desire to slow down and be the best mom I can be for my kids to be more present.

Being business owners allows for flexibility.

1:28

We have more options with our time and money than being quote hired to work for a company.

But it also comes with stress.

1:36

The goal we have for our children to love Jesus, to live for him.

To be independent, smart, capable individuals.

1:41

To handle life.

To be able to think for themselves and solve problems.

1:44

To be well-rounded with languages, culture, instruments, history, science, math, English, computer

skills, sports, health and fitness, financial management, cooking and cleaning for themselves.

1:55

Considering homeschooling.

I don't want to be the only quote teacher in their lives.

2:00

I want them to experience high levels of learning, to be challenged and also to experience society

at its best and worst.

2:09

I'm too controlling.

I want what's best for our kids and in my desire to create the above, I mean strict and controlling

2:16

which pushes our kids away and causes resentment.

With public school, it gives me a margin to do the things I need to do for work with afternoons and

2:24

evenings and weekends to pour into our kids and to teach them.

However, I'm very tired and I feel spread thin with the high expectations I have for myself and them

2:34

with the four kids and I feel the best hours of their weekdays are being taught and led by underpaid

teachers trying to corral the masses.

2:43

Is learning really even happening with public school?

They get real social experiences in addition to learning.

2:49

What would I what I would like to consider is, is there a way where we can homeschool with a better

quality education and still create margin for me to get work done and for my kids to have real

2:59

social experiences that don't just revolve around extracurricular activities?

Homeschool kids can be awkward.

3:06

I don't want socially awkward kids.

I also don't want super sheltered kids.

3:11

I want them to be well-rounded.

I'm afraid if I homeschool I will be overwhelmed.

3:16

I would rather be kept at a distance to save them from myself.

But I would like to believe there is hope.

3:22

That I can actually surprise myself of being good at this and actually want to be good with my kids.

And that I'm actually teaching them and I have my emotions under control and I'm the best role model

3:33

for them.

I get overwhelmed, annoyed and over stimulated.

3:37

That is not the kind of mom I want to be and that is not the kind of teacher I want for my kids.

I want to be good, that good at this.

3:44

I want to be better.

I don't feel I have enough time to improve on myself to be the mom and teacher I need to be for my

3:50

kids.

I'm super raw, vulnerable and holding back tears as I write this.

3:56

I want to believe that I can have an extraordinary family life.

Oh man, I want to cheer and.

4:05

Applaud.

Applaud and if we're in person, give her a big hug and like, this is awesome.

4:13

And this is relevant to so many of us, like so many of us, I think can relate to this as she is open

and vulnerable about sharing her feelings.

4:24

And it's so beautiful and.

Are now killing her vision as she's describing.

4:28

She did it so well as it's the vision.

I'm like, yes, yes, yes, all of it.

4:33

It's beautiful.

So I think we are planning to specifically dive into the homeschooling aspect of it in the next

4:40

episode.

But in this one, we want to talk about the other aspects, specifically the controlling the, you

4:48

know, being the best mom that you can, fulfilling that role, not being overwhelmed, not being

frustrated or at least mitigating that overwhelming frustration.

4:58

That's the aspect that we want to dive in today, so.

As as you were reading it again, Rich, I thought there's there's these two big parts 1 is getting

5:09

clear on like what it is we really want for our families.

So everyone listening is like you, you have to get clarity.

5:15

What's your target, What's your goal?

What's the long?

5:18

What's?

The vision.

5:19

What's the vision?

And you've got to have a vision.

5:22

Yeah, because without a vision, people.

Perish right from right from the the good book and families perish, individuals perish and and life

5:29

parishes.

It's just it's lame and you can't hit a target you don't have and you can't hit a target you can't

5:33

see.

So you've got to get clear about what it is you want.

5:37

But here's and and this was somebody I want to.

Share All right, can I geek out on that for one second before you get to your next point?

5:44

Jordan Peterson often emphasizes, and this also comes from all of the things they're learning about

how AI operates is that as humans and, and they're learning this by the way computers and artificial

5:58

intelligence work.

Intelligence works.

6:01

We cannot even move forward unless we have a clear vision.

Now that of course includes micro visions, which connect into the bigger visions.

6:10

But like, I can't go to pick up a cup to drink from it unless I have a clear vision of what I'm

doing.

6:16

And we think that, oh, that's just automatic.

I don't even have to think about it.

6:20

But when we're children especially and we're learning that skill so that then it does become

automatic.

6:26

That's how our systems work.

It has to have a very clear and specific vision.

6:32

And I know for me especially, whenever my vision is muddy, that's when I feel the most overwhelmed.

It's when I have a very clear vision and I know exactly how, which I think you're going to get to

6:46

next, exactly how to do it, what to work on to get that to move towards that vision.

That's when I feel the most clarity, certainty, purpose, confidence, peace in my life.

6:56

So having that vision, macro and micro visions are key to us even being able to function in the

world.

7:05

And, and one of the, the most common challenges I see with all the, the great people I get to work

with and coach is that, and she even articulates this in her question so well.

7:14

It's like, this is what I want for my family.

There's my weakness.

7:19

Here are some of the obstacles I'm facing, just the realities.

And so I'm doing this over here.

7:27

They're like, what?

Wait, wait a minute.

7:28

Whoa, whoa.

And I see this a lot.

7:30

In fact, I have another coaching client this week, same situation.

It's like, I want this, here's the challenge.

7:35

So I'm doing this over here and it's like almost unrelated.

I'm like, wait, what is, what does this have to do with that?

7:42

And, and she says it in there.

She's like, well, no, I, I'll just send them to school because I struggle with this thing.

7:49

I'm like, no, let's focus on coming up with a solution to the to the problem and then do the thing

you want.

7:57

So I guess that's why I want to say right out the gates here.

This was the point that I interrupted.

8:02

Yes, get clear on what you want and then address the obstacles that are in the way.

Don't deviate.

8:11

Sometimes we, we see what we want.

We see an obstacle, we feel overwhelmed.

8:15

We feel like we're like, ah, I struggle with that.

So I'm just going to go over here and we take a tangent.

8:22

What we're doing is acquiescing.

We're we're, we're avoiding, we're we're doing whatever and we're like, that's really truly the path

8:28

I want to go up.

But I know it'll be hard for me and I can see the obstacles.

8:33

So I'm going to take this other path over here.

That, at the time, seems a little bit easier, a little simpler, a little more straightforward, all.

8:41

Of the things, yeah.

But ultimately that path doesn't take you on where you want to go.

8:45

So one goes up to the summit, the other just goes around the mountain perpetually.

And.

8:49

And you're like, man, I really want to go up there, but that looks hard.

So I'm just going to.

8:53

I'll take this one over here.

And so you just go round and round the mountain and, and your whole life, you'll live with

8:58

disappointments and frustrations because you never summited, you never went up where you wanted to

go.

9:03

And you know.

Well, yeah.

9:04

But if I go up, that means I have to face these obstacles.

I have to overcome my weaknesses.

9:09

Yeah, exactly.

That's great.

9:10

And that's why I originally do what we do.

We're going to give you the tools and strategies to get through those obstacles and around those

9:16

obstacles and over those obstacles and, and overcome your weaknesses.

It's all through leverage and, and tools and systems.

9:21

So you get the right systems place.

You're like, oh, there goes the problem that was preventing me from what I really wanted.

9:26

So that's what we're going to talk about in this episode and the next.

Go after what you want and address the issue that stands in front of you in the path you want to be

9:33

on.

Don't start wandering off in other paths.

9:36

It just leads to a life of disappointment.

Well, because of course there's a book out there by this title called The Obstacle is the Way by

9:43

Ryan Holiday, and he took his entire Prem premise from I think it's Marcus Aurelius and the wording

isn't exactly the same.

9:50

Impediment, he says Marcus Aurelius wrote in his personal journal.

We we often think the impediment is in the way.

9:57

Stands in the way, but.

The impediment is the.

9:59

Way right.

And essentially what that means is that the very thing that we are afraid of, the very thing that's

10:08

overwhelming us when we face it head on and move into it and lean into it, that is the thing that

actually helps us grow into the person who can then achieve whatever it is we envision achieving.

10:25

Right.

So she has this beautiful vision here of what she would like to achieve.

10:31

And be all of.

That the obstacles, yeah.

10:34

Hinges on her working through those obstacles.

So, you know, currently because of the obstacles, which are legitimate obstacles, she kind of

10:44

buffers to this other path.

But the key is what people often don't understand that you talk about in your coaching a lot is no

10:54

head back onto that path.

You want lean into those challenges and those challenges are what will make you become this best

11:02

version of yourself exactly so that you can have this dream that you achieve.

Exactly.

11:07

Yeah.

So the extraordinary family life you want is on the other side of those very obstacles.

11:11

And in this case well as it's so relatable getting overwhelmed not.

Frustrated.

11:19

How to do it?

Not knowing how to mold the outcomes you want without being controlling.

11:27

Controlling was the other ones like oh I'll be too controlling.

How to do all of that without being mean?

11:32

And being a crazy person, you're like, I never intended to be the crazy person.

I, you know, I want a great relationship with my kids.

11:38

I want my kids have a great education.

Like, I don't know how to do it.

11:42

I know my tendencies.

So maybe I'll take this other path.

11:46

And we're saying no, stick on the path you want and figure out how to fix the things.

And that's why we're here to help.

11:52

Right?

Exactly.

11:54

Let's start into the question again.

It's hit hit some of the specifics.

11:57

OK.

So there very driven which is awesome.

12:01

You and I are both very driven.

What what's being articulated here is, is most people we get to work with is ambitious, driven, like

12:09

big goals and dreams and high standards.

That's a great thing.

12:12

It's wonderful.

And and it brings with it all of these other challenges she articulated with.

12:17

So I guess the big thing is like, you're not alone.

And the people listening I'm sure can relate.

12:21

Like, yeah, I I want all these great things too.

And wow, it's a lot.

12:24

Yeah, So I love this here, though, because almost right away in the first paragraph, she says that

she is driven and focused and successful with a desire to slow down and be the best mom I can be for

12:39

my kids to be more present.

And so she's, she's recognizing that dissonance that's occurring like, well, I am all of these

12:49

things.

And I, you know, apparently she's good at it and it's fulfilling and it's motivating.

12:54

But at the same time, she's noticing, well, wait, I'm not that present with my kids.

I'm I going too fast, right?

13:01

Because kids do require that.

They require that, that slowness, you know, for us to be with them in the moment.

13:09

And presents.

Yeah, and our presents.

13:11

And I got to, I got to drop a hammer here.

So many people, especially ambitious people are, are shouting this message of quality over quantity.

0:00

And I say bogus.

13:23

That is an absolute myth.

And if you think a little bit of quality time will be enough for your strong, your family life, you

13:30

are delusional.

They need quantity as well.

13:35

So we have to have quality and quantity.

And in fact, there's a lot of research now, I think specifically from like Erica Komizer, that backs

13:43

that up.

You have to have not just quality time but quantity time, especially during key developmental phases

13:52

of a child's life.

Which is zero to 25, yeah.

13:56

Pretty much.

It is like, let's just, let's just be real.

14:00

That's the uncomfortable truth, right?

You need to be.

14:04

If you had to pick and choose, there are some ages where she Comiser specifically says are more

important.

14:10

But I do agree with you that really it is through that entire growing face.

Now, that doesn't mean that there's times as they grow where you'll have more freedom to work on,

14:22

you know, growing your business and doing all these other things, other things.

But certainly, for sure, zero to three, and I would even say zero to six, you need to be there as

14:34

much as possible so that the attachment and the bond will build.

Because the more you and I have somehow figured this out in our parenting journey and we're able to

14:46

parent this way, and now we're finding the work of researchers which are supporting this.

That is the key to achieving the vision that you want.

14:56

Whatever vision you have with your family, if you could boil it down to its essence, it would be

attachment.

15:05

You learn how to truly attach with your children and you will be able to achieve.

It's probably a word we would use more than attachment.

15:12

Yeah.

But I'm, I'm liking that word more and more.

15:15

Attachment, bonding, connection, building the emotional bank account.

I mean, there's a lot of different ways to word it, but at its essence, if you focus on that, you

15:26

will be able to do all the other things you want to do with creating your extraordinary family life

because you will have the bond, the attachment required to be able to help facilitate those things

15:38

happening.

So that to me is the essence.

15:41

And in order for that to happen, you have to spend both the quality and the quantity time with your

children, ideally from zero to 25, but definitely for sure from zero to six and then.

15:57

From 6 to 20.

Five and then from 6 to 25.

16:00

So you can take a day off after the 6th birthday.

People are are listening to you thinking, oh, that's just not reasonable, Greg.

16:07

I have to work.

I have to pay the bills.

16:09

I have to.

Buckle up.

16:10

We are very unreasonable people.

Yeah.

16:13

And we'll we'll get into this Mark about why and.

There's a way to do it.

16:17

That's what I'm saying.

So I, I don't want to be like, hey, do the impossible and like, that's impossible.

16:21

I can't do it.

Like, no, there's ways to pull it off.

16:24

And that's we're going to talk about.

The first thing she says, though, is is really important for ambitious, driven people, is we have to

16:30

force ourselves to stop.

Yes, we have to be able to turn it off.

16:33

And, and entrepreneurs, business owners, you know, high achievers are like, I just go, go, go.

And like, no, you have to set up your own boundaries.

16:40

Now, the the great thing about having your own business, like she says, is like, I don't have a boss

telling me when I have to work.

16:45

Yeah, but you'd also, you also don't have somebody.

Telling you also don't have a boss telling you when you're not.

16:50

Work, go home, stop.

So you you actually have to put your own boundaries in place and honor your boundaries.

16:56

That's why it's so important to create a plan and honor the plan, to create a schedule and honor the

schedule and set up systems that help you keep your boundaries and your commitments.

17:08

So as important it is to get the work in, it's just as important.

To stop doing the.

17:14

Work turn off from work, and so you're either fully engaged or strategically disengaged.

And I think that that that is also so important for your children as well because as you are

17:28

building a bond in a relationship and attachment with your child, they need to know what to expect

from you and they need to be able to trust what you say you will do.

17:40

So if you tell them, hey, I'm going to work until this time and you don't honor that, you're

breaking your attachment with your child.

17:48

And destroying trust.

And destroying trust, which is foundation for that.

17:51

So you have to set up those boundaries and then you have to honor those boundaries not only for your

own well-being, but for the development of that attachment relationship with your child.

18:03

But the beautiful thing is when you do that.

So you know, as we're giving strategies here, this is a strategy that you and I use for me, I call

18:11

it time chunking just because I don't know if that works for me.

But I have chunks of time throughout my day and I honor those chunks and I also set up boundaries

18:23

with them.

So in the morning time, that chunk of time is for me.

18:27

That's my personal morning routine.

And I will have my 8 year old sometimes come to me and be like, can you print something out for me

18:33

from the computer?

You know, because that's her obsession right now and I have to tell her, no, right now is my morning

18:39

routine time.

I don't do printing for you during this time, right?

18:44

I will do printing for you when I'm at my computer.

And I so I set these clear boundaries and these clear expectations so she knows what to do.

18:52

But one of the reasons she doesn't have a complete melt meltdown and freak out like I know other

children can do is because she trusts me.

18:59

She knows when I say I'll print it later, I'm going to print it later.

It's going to happen.

19:04

She knows that, so she trusts that.

And that's so even when I'm putting up a boundary and not doing something for her that she wants me

19:13

to do in that moment, I'm still building the relationship because I'm following through and because

I have fallen through in the past, right?

19:21

So it's building that bond.

But so I start with the morning chunk of the morning routine.

19:28

Then we do workout time, which we often do as a family.

Not necessarily everyone, but a lot of everyone is there.

19:34

Then we do breakfast and devotional time as a family, which leads right into their studies.

Although a lot of my kids get up and do their studies right away, so they're often done by then.

19:44

And then I go to my work time, right?

And so then we spend time working and that chunk of time is dedicated to work.

19:49

And so if the kids come in and want or need something within reason, you know, I'll help them out.

But otherwise I say, no, this is now my work time.

19:57

So I will help you with that.

Or I'll do that with you afterwards, after I'm done working, I'll do it in the evening because the

20:05

evening time is also then another chunk of family time.

It's OK to chunk our time and be like, you know what?

20:13

I want you to know I love you.

You're the most important.

20:16

I have to do this.

I have to do this work.

20:18

Even that's if that's a few hours or whatever.

And then your work while they're doing their.

20:24

Work.

We'll get into that in the next episode.

20:27

And then I can give you my attention, I can give you my presence, I can slow down and be with you.

And I found, at least for me, that having that dedicated time almost every day, because it doesn't

20:40

necessarily happen every day like that just helps me feel this sense of, of what she wants.

Like she has a desired outcome from wanting to do these things.

20:53

The sense of like, I'm doing a good job, I'm fulfilling my role as a mom, I'm enjoying my children's

life.

21:00

I get that sense when I practice these things and when I have that chunk of time to be able to be

present with them.

21:08

Well, in that way, because because what's happening is you're, you're meeting all your needs and

desires and their needs and desires.

21:14

And my businesses needs and desires and exactly all of the things are being met.

And it's, it all comes down to being more strategic, Yeah.

21:23

Like having marked dedicated time to work well and to do all the things you need to do where most of

us are just frazzled and crazy and putting out fires everywhere and running around and and it's it's

21:36

chaotic, it's hectic, it's overwhelming.

And, and we're just a frazzled mess instead of calm, deliberate, deliberate, thoughtful, like I know

21:48

what I'm going to do.

I know what I need to do next.

21:50

I'm going to do it like, and I want, I want to invite all of you to lean into this idea that even in

the midst of chaos, which family life is chaotic.

21:59

And then if you own a business on top of that, there's a lot of chaos.

It's possible, in fact preferable, to be calm and operate with a sense of urgency, but just keep

22:13

your cool.

There's no reason to just lose it.

22:16

Well, and it's very fascinating to me as well because you, you don't realize this when you're in it,

but when you step back and when you study it, it's actually better for us to operate that way a lot

22:28

of times.

I know I, I especially used to do this, but I can still be tempted to do this sometimes when you

22:34

think about your business goals or your financial goals and you want to work on them and you just

think I just need to work, work, work, work, work all the time.

22:43

Like that's the best thing I should do non-stop work because then that would help me.

But I've learned from past experience that actually sabotages you because as human beings, we work

22:54

better when we can switch off.

Like if I have a dedicated amount of time focused on building my business, but then at least and,

23:02

and I won't use the word every day, but I would say at least multiple times per week.

I also stop working on that and I dedicate it to my family or to my relationship or whatever.

23:14

It is actually better for my business.

I will be more productive.

23:18

I will have more clarity, I will have more insights, I will have more energy when I strategically

disengage from my business and engage with my family that like that.

23:29

Science backed right there.

It just helps you be a better person overall because you're not burning yourself out by just working

23:38

non-stop on the one thing.

I love that and this is a good lead into the next kind of big obstacle is being controlling.

23:47

So when you feel like you're leading effectively, you have great attachment in connection with your

kids, you're taking care of your business, you're taking care of yourself.

23:59

Your kids actually listen to you and and you've got good things set up for them and they're

following through.

24:05

You don't have to be or feel like you need to be controlling.

That's it's a, it's a very, very common thing for good parents to be controlling parents, but the

24:15

outcome of controlling parents is that it creates either rebellious children or resentful children

and those are the outcomes.

24:27

And so it backfires.

Yeah.

24:28

So you actually don't get the results you want because you try to control the results.

I mean, it's one of these ironies of the universe so that the more we try to control certain

24:39

outcomes, the less we get the outcomes we want.

And it it's really, it really is this difficult balance I've found to try to find because as driven

24:52

people, and in fact, I mean, you and I live by mottos such as I'll either find a way or I'll make

one, right?

24:58

I mean, that sounds like the epitome of control, but we've also learned to balance that with this

essence of surrender, right?

25:07

And I think we got that early on from like Wayne, Wayne Dyer, where he's ultimately like, you just

have to surrender.

25:13

You can have what you want, you can have the clarity, you can have the vision, but it's this weird

dichotomy where you also have to just surrender it all of like, this is what I want, this is what

25:24

I'm going for, but I'm surrendering and whatever happens, happens, right?

And that's ironically what actually produces the outcomes you're after.

25:34

And that's a difficult thing to do.

It's especially difficult to do.

25:38

I mean, it's difficult to do with everything, parenting, business finances, but definitely with

parenting.

25:45

Like, it's hard to find that balance of like, I'm, I'm going to set these expectations, but I'm also

going to surrender, you know?

25:55

Yeah, yes, totally.

That's a hard one.

25:58

And it's a hard one to understand.

It's a hard 1 to implement even.

26:01

Talking about, I can see how it would be like what this is.

Confusing.

26:04

Yeah, exactly.

I'm not surrendering the And again, we want such good things for our kids.

26:10

And so we think I have to ensure that that happens.

And if we don't have the tools or the skills to guide it, then we the only thing we think we can do

26:23

is force it.

And you cannot force another human being without devastating consequences.

26:30

You literally will sabotage your family if you keep trying to control I like can I shout this to

everybody listening?

26:38

Stop trying to control your children or your spouse.

It will backfire.

26:45

It already is backfiring like it will not create the results you want.

That's why we, we see good people with good families and kids are rebellious or resentful always.

26:57

Like I've, I've never seen an exception to this.

And then they're like, why does this happen?

27:02

And then they're like, my kids just rebellious just the way they are.

And so then they double down and they're like, I'm going to be even more controlling and more

27:10

strict.

I'm going to force this to happen.

27:12

And I'm like, all you're doing is creating more resentment, more distance, more rebellion.

I think even sadder than that, that's sad, but we've also seen the other side of the control and the

27:26

parents think they're producing the outcomes they want because their children outwardly at least in

front of them, are obedient to their desires.

27:35

But what's sad for us because we have this very unique insight into people's lives from leading

trips, from, you know, our teens interactions, we get to see that behind the scenes they are

27:49

secretly rebelling, right?

Or they're secretly resenting even if their parents don't know about it.

27:54

And that that also is a failure in my mind.

Like kids are doing what you want, but inwardly they're secretly resenting it.

28:04

Will willingly obey when you're not around or they have the opportunity.

So they they obey when you are around and then as soon as you're not, you turn your back or you go

28:11

away.

They're into their rebellion.

28:14

And we see that all the time.

And they tell us that what we have this, we have this open, beautiful, trusting, safe relationship.

28:20

And so people kind of like, yeah.

And they're, they'll either come, you're right, babe.

28:23

They either come and say they tell us how much they despise their parents, which is heartbreaking,

or or they just come in their.

28:29

Parents rules or despise the.

Well, it it's one of the other.

28:32

It's like the deep resentment, like I can't stand them.

I don't like them.

28:35

We, yeah, we see that.

And then the other side is, yeah, when they're not around, I just go do this other thing.

28:40

Like, oh, so sad.

And it's.

28:42

It's from good children and youth and young adults who want good things.

And they rebel simply because you're so controlling.

28:51

So we bring this up to, you know, emphasize the, the, the heaven or hell philosophy there.

You can have the heaven by guiding your kids to all those wonderful things that were listed in the

29:02

question or the hell by thinking you can force them and then they don't go there.

Or if if they do go, it's usually this weak submissive outcome.

29:12

Like what kind of adults do they become?

They're just a little submissive.

29:15

They do exactly what they're told, but they struggle making their own decisions.

Or standing up for themselves.

29:20

Yep, exactly.

Or being self-directed, they just they just because they were just told what to do, told what to do

29:26

and they just became submissive little underdeveloped beings to be acted upon.

So the desire for those great outcomes is amazing.

29:37

The implementation is what matters so much here.

And and even in the question, which was so great.

29:42

She's like, she she has enough self-awareness.

Be like I try to control this does that.

29:48

Mean strict controlling and it pushes our kids away and causes resentment.

That's it.

29:54

So it's like, here's what I want, here's what I've been doing.

It's that doesn't work.

29:59

So I guess I'll send them to school.

She has self-awareness about this, which is.

30:03

Which is genius because a lot of people are clueless.

Yeah, they are.

30:06

And that to me, like self-awareness is always the first step to creating change.

Change a problem you're not aware of.

30:14

So as soon as you begin to become aware of a problem, celebrate that because that's good.

When you recognize, oh, I'm pushing my kids away and I'm causing resentment, it's like, woo Hoo, you

30:24

recognize that now you can begin to do something about.

It and there's a there's an important point right there where you said that soon as you recognize

30:32

you're like, oh, wait a minute, I'm being too controlling and mean and it's driving my kids away.

Right there.

30:38

You have a moment of thinking and decision because you could conclude, well, I guess I'm not fit to

do this, so I'll send them away.

30:48

Or you say, well, OK, here's my chance.

Here's the obstacle, here's the impediment.

30:53

That is the way I know controlling them won't work.

So what do I do instead?

30:58

So instead of throwing off our dreams, throwing off our targets, throwing off our goals, we stop and

say what can I do instead that will bring the outcome I want and the relationship I want?

31:11

Yeah.

And it's a, it's a journey.

31:13

I mean, you, you know, you made it sound like right there in that moment, like that's the only

chance we've got.

31:17

Well, no, no, it's the moment of decision, right?

There's what I meant, like of clear thinking.

31:21

You're like, because I see this all.

I literally see this every day.

31:25

Well, this isn't working, so I guess I'll give up on my dream and do this or this is what I really

want, but I the way I'm doing it doesn't work, so I'll settle for something else.

31:34

It's that moment of decision where instead of choosing, you go down a path you don't want.

You stay on the path you do want.

31:41

You just figure out how to do it differently.

Yeah, it's that moment of decision is critical.

31:45

For many people, though, they don't necessarily consciously have that moment of decision unless they

have a coach.

31:53

I mean, you do that every day because you're that's the point of coaching.

You're working with people, helping them to make those moments of decision so they can alter their

32:01

path and instead of giving up on what they want, figure out how to, you know, push past through the

obstacles to get what they want.

32:09

Too many people just do the default of like, oh, well, I guess it's not possible.

And so, you know, I'll do what I don't want to do just because what?

32:20

Else to do, you know, good, better, good better and best.

And they want the best.

32:26

And they're like, well, I'll settle for better and I'll settle for good.

And and so many good parents are settling for good.

32:34

Right.

And I think that that's so important because as we love to talk about with our tennis analogies, you

32:41

know, it's not a matter of you being a good or a bad person or of just this somehow misguided

conception that you're either a good parent or you're not.

32:54

That's not true.

It's a skill you have to learn.

32:57

And so if you sucked at tennis, you would just take some tennis lessons.

Like that's solves the problem, right?

33:02

The same thing here.

And that's why, I mean, that's why we have the podcast.

33:06

That's why we do because we're trying to get this message out here.

Take some parenting classes like get some.

33:11

Or get some coaching.

So for this particular lady, you know, you have a successful business, you have the the funding of

33:16

financing, like sign up for coaching.

Like this is what we do.

33:19

And I'd coach you through every aspect of this and go through the whole journey of like implement

this.

33:23

And then as we're going along, yeah, I did this, I did this and here's what happened.

OK, now make this adjustment and make that adjustment.

33:29

And you just get coaching through that entire journey because what you're looking for is systems,

strategies, tools, tactics, weeks to make it really work right and refine it.

33:41

It's it's so doable.

Right.

33:43

And, and that's the emphasis we want to give is that all of these things, everything she's bringing

up are skills that can be learned just like with anything else in life.

33:54

So that's the mindset we really just want parents to get like, oh, this is something I can learn.

This is something I this is a skill I can gain but I want.

34:03

To I got to address this right now because I guarantee there's people listening to like, but I've

tried everything.

34:09

Well, that's why I want to talk about the specific strategies of how to hold these standards without

controlling, like without being the dictator, without forcing the outcomes, how you know everything

34:22

we just talked through.

Well, OK, how do you actually do that?

34:25

Let's talk through some of that because that's, that's where the rubber hits the road, right?

So I think that, and this this will tie back into my confusing remarks about surrendering and

34:37

letting go and all that.

But I have to continue to emphasize these things because I, I know that at least for me, it's made a

34:45

huge difference in my parenting approach and in my parenting outcomes.

Because I know when I started out, I felt this need to just like control, like I wanted to just make

34:58

sure my kids did everything the right way and everything, you know, the way I wanted it to do in the

way that was perfect for them to become the perfect children I had envisioned.

35:07

Like, I know I felt that and I, that would come out in my parenting.

And so as I learned to navigate this and you guys know I love the yin and Yang symbol.

35:21

In fact, ironically, I remember I loved it since a child or a teen.

Like I just love the yin and the Yang.

35:27

And it represents to me this balance between two opposing forces essentially.

So you have this force of vision, of intention, of desired outcomes.

35:40

And so in this case, it's the vision of your family and what you want it to be.

You know, her whole beautiful list of like, I want them to be in science and math and fitness and

35:49

financial management, cooking and cleaning, like all of these things.

That's your vision and it's beautiful and it's wonderful and it's necessary.

35:56

We have to have visions like that.

But then the opposing force is this control, this forcing, this making our family be perfect so that

36:08

we can reach those outcomes that we want, right?

And we have to learn how to have the appropriate amount of yin and Yang between the vision and the

36:21

implementation, right?

So that then it becomes balanced and you have a mix of equal parts instead of one side completely

36:29

taking over the other side.

Because that's when, that's when we get all of the things we don't want.

36:35

That's when we get the unhealthy outcomes, the resentment, the rebellion.

That's what comes from having one force being too strong in your life or in the family.

36:45

I think that's why a lot of people, when they come stay with us, they see that we're both super

chill and super intense and we have the yin and the Yang and that it works like a champ.

36:58

But if I'm super intense all the time with everything, the kids, there'll be a horrible reaction.

If I'm super chill all the time, they'll be a horrible reaction reaction.

37:06

So either way creates a terrible outcome that you don't want.

So you have to find this balance, this art and the science of having a very high standards and

37:16

holding them and then having other aspects that really don't matter and you're like and do whatever

you want.

37:24

Where we see a lot of parents, they're either, you know, be free child, do whatever you want and

there's no boundaries and kids can't function like that, or the parents are super strict and

37:37

controlling with every little last thing and it's insane.

It's micromanaging and it is crazy.

37:44

And that doesn't work.

So we'll be we'll be hardcore.

37:47

Like there's certain there's certain things that just will not be allowed in our home and our family

and our kids life period hard stop.

37:58

And then there's all kinds of things like, well, your choice, you get the consequences.

Like you, you eat that donut like no Donuts in my house, right?

38:06

You, you try to bring Donuts in my house.

Those suckers are going right out to my pigs.

38:11

I'm going I've given to my pigs immediately.

Like what did you just bring out my house?

38:15

And I'll be fun about it and playful, but it's unacceptable.

Like we can laugh joke.

38:20

Ha ha, that's really funny.

They're going outside pigs like no, I just bought the I don't give a crap.

38:24

They're not they're going out to my pigs, right.

And so we can be playful and hold the, the boundary, but then if we're out and about and they go

38:34

and, and they're like, just why churches?

They just want to kill all their members so they can send them to heaven and prepare them to heaven

38:43

and killing them.

So they offer it.

38:45

And I guess like, I really want a donut.

I'm like, OK, man, it's your choice.

38:48

Like you eating that won't affect my body, but I promise it'll affect yours.

But it's your choice.

38:55

And so they'll do it occasionally, usually when they're little, and then they're like, oh, I feel so

sick.

38:59

I'm like, Yep.

And so, but we let them choose and make that choice.

39:03

Making them feel bad.

Or it's on you.

39:06

We teach them and, and say, go ahead and they'll have it and then like and it.

But over time they they just eventually stop accepting it, even at first when they're little like,

39:15

oh, they gave it to me.

What do I do with them?

39:17

I'm like, throw it away.

And then later on they just have the courage to say no thanks.

39:20

I don't, I don't want that.

I don't eat that.

39:22

And it's amazing.

Then they make their own choices when we're not around.

39:25

Yeah, that's the goal.

And while you're talking about this and I'm thinking about our lives and, you know, these principles

39:32

that we try to teach, I do realize that people get these misconceptions like you mentioned before,

where they, they think that we are just super strict parents.

39:41

Like everything is regimented, everything is scheduled, structured, strict, which is not the case.

And so I'm trying to in my brain here, like think about the difference.

39:54

Like, what does it look like?

Because we'll say, we'll tell people like, oh, our kids aren't quote UN quote allowed to have

40:01

breakfast until they've done their morning routine, right?

We're strict about morning routines.

40:06

And so people probably imagine it's like, here we are, these drill sergeants of like do your morning

routine and then you standing far.

40:13

In the kitchen and you will be beaten if you cross the line or you.

Know you have to show up like a soldier and everything's perfect, you know, And so as I'm thinking

40:23

about that, I'm like, OK, yeah, We're strict about teaching the principal of the morning routine.

That's a chunk of time in the morning or each of us are involved in our own personal morning

40:34

routine.

So as far as the strictness goes, we're holding those boundaries of like I'm doing my morning

40:41

routine, I'm teaching you the principle of you should be doing your morning routine for young ones,

we outline what that could include certain non negotiables like brushing your teeth right or getting

40:53

dressed or making your bed.

But when it comes to implementation, they decide that's where the freedom lies, I guess.

41:02

If they want to get up and 1st brush their teeth and then make their bed, great.

If they want to put on some whatever outfit, great.

41:10

I like.

I'm not dictating what they wear and how it looks and this and that.

41:14

They get to choose what they're wearing.

And often times I'm like, well, it's a little sloppy.

41:19

But the point is, I'm not controlling every little aspect of their lives.

The rule is morning routines because that's a principle we live in our life because it's valuable.

41:31

But how that morning routine looks like for you and when you do it and how you do it and where you

do it, you get to decide all of those factors.

41:43

And so in a way that becomes this framework because then we simply repeat that process throughout

the day.

41:49

Like that's repeated with study time, that's repeated with work time, chore time.

It's a, it's a formula that's repeated of like, here's the boundaries, but within those boundaries,

42:00

you decide how it plays out, right?

You decide for yourself how you live this aspect of your life.

42:07

And it works so well.

Like, I can't remember the last time we had to like, quote, enforce it, right?

42:13

You just model it, teach it, model it, teach it, hold the boundary a little bit, just a couple of

times.

42:19

And then they love it.

They're in it.

42:21

They want to do it.

Yeah, and they do it automatically.

42:23

Guess they come over.

I mean your mom came to say with and she was like these boys bedroom is amazing.

42:29

And it was funny at the time, I was like, oh, it's a little bit messy right now, you know?

That was my thought.

42:34

But to her, it was clean, like our teenage boys.

Yeah, because they gave up.

42:38

They make their beds.

They keep their stuff organized in need.

42:41

I mean, it's teenage boys and our our daughters.

Well, and our little girls too.

42:46

They just, they love the cleanliness.

So and I just hear endlessly from youths and teens and young adults their their rooms are just trash

42:55

cans.

I mean, it's just like hurricane disasters.

42:59

I had a new coaching client recently.

It's like, hey, what's your bedroom like?

43:03

It's a mess.

It's just like, OK, like right there, right?

43:08

That that should be going on.

And so it's getting them to be self-directed, which we'll talk more about in the next episode,

43:16

leading them there.

In fact, I want to emphasize that a little bit right now because it feels like as a mom or dad, you

43:24

have to do everything.

Like I got to have my hands on everything.

43:28

I got to be controlling because I want them to do all this stuff like, and how can I possibly be at

home, help them with, you know, connect with them, love them, help them with school and run my

43:39

business.

Like it just seems impossible but the the golden ticket is they become self-directed.

43:46

And so initially there is that training period where it is more hands on, like when I was

implementing and I whenever I'm setting up a charts and systems, which, you know, I have an entire

43:59

course on charts and systems, but I always have mom, start with starting with the morning routine

because that helps your child learn the habit of one, following a chart, 2.

44:10

Following a routine and three, becoming self-directed.

And so when you start with that morning routine, yeah, it's more hands on because you're showing

44:18

them what to do and how to do it, especially when they have, they may have no concept of it

whatsoever.

44:24

So I'm helping them make their bed so that they know what that looks like.

I'm helping them brush their teeth so they know what counts as brushing teeth.

44:33

And it's not just like 2 seconds of this, right?

I'm helping them get dressed and put their clothes where it's supposed to go.

44:39

So they're learning like, oh, this is what that means when you say do this or it's on my chart.

This is what it looks like it, it includes putting the clothes in the hamper, not just throwing them

44:50

on the floor when I take them off, right?

So it is more hands on and intensive originally, but once you set that up and then hold them

45:02

accountable will it becomes automatic.

Now my girls just do that as soon as they get up.

45:08

Well, all of my children, but my specifically my youngest girls just do it as soon as they get up

because that's what they've learned.

45:15

And along with that, help them grow this desire for them to want to do that because they recognize,

first of all, that's what all of us do.

45:26

We're all doing the same thing, right?

We're all putting our clothes away in the hamper when we get dressed, we're all making our beds.

45:33

So they realize it's not just something expected of only them.

But then they see that, Oh yeah, this is a this is a great way to be in the world.

45:42

This like, it feels good.

It feels productive.

45:45

It feels meaningful.

It feels.

45:48

Well, we make it attractive.

Yeah, the the whole lifestyle is attractive.

45:52

So they're they're drawn to it.

They want to do it, love it.

45:55

So you guys, do you want more tools and strategies?

Join Rachel's family life coaching program or.

46:01

Specifically our 10 series workshop that's going on right now, where we're talking through all of

these different aspects.

46:07

Yep, and there there's so much to it and you can come ask your very specific questions and we're

going to every time we meet, we're giving you very specific skills and strategies.

46:14

Every parent needs to be actively involved in learning about parenting strategies because it's it is

parenting is the most difficult thing you'll ever do in life.

46:22

It is so complex and so challenging and so rewarding.

It's wonderful.

46:25

And then for the men might have the formidable family man tribe and it's amazing where we get

together as a as a brotherhood of good men.

46:32

And we get it.

Be with other good men, family men as we're going along through life, figuring out all the all the

46:39

things for fitness, family and finances.

So the resources are there.

46:42

Invest in it.

Invest in your family so you can create and live your extraordinary family life.

46:47

Love you guys, reach upward.