June 4, 2025

#315 Can’t Get Your Kids to Stop Fighting? Try These 10 Scripts to Create Peace

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This episode offers a refreshing take on conflict resolution by teaching parents how to use natural consequences to guide children toward empathy, responsibility, and emotional growth. Rather than relying on harsh punishments, we explore fun, opt-in strategies that defuse sibling rivalry and transform hurtful behavior into teachable moments. These simple yet powerful tools help parents foster cooperation and connection while empowering kids to learn from their mistakes—creating a more peaceful, emotionally intelligent family dynamic.

Are you struggling with how to handle conflicts and tough behavior with your kids?

Do consequences often feel harsh or ineffective, leaving your family stressed instead of connected?

In this episode, we dive deep into using natural consequences as a powerful tool for conflict resolution in your family. Instead of punishments or power struggles, discover how fun yet impactful consequences can teach kids respect, empathy, and responsibility — all while strengthening your family bonds.

Raising seven kids ourselves , we know how challenging sibling rivalry and hurtful words can be. We share real-life strategies that help kids own their mistakes, learn from them, and choose kindness next time — without resentment or fear.

If you want to create a peaceful home where your children develop emotional intelligence and self-control , this episode is packed with practical, easy-to-implement ideas that truly work .

Whether your kids are toddlers or teens , these natural consequence techniques will empower you to turn conflict into growth opportunities — with love, humor, and respect.

Key Takeaways:

✅ Natural consequences teach responsibility without harsh punishment

✅ Opt-in consequences build cooperation and buy-in from kids

✅ Fun, intense consequences leave lasting lessons without damage

✅ Encouraging honesty and ownership defuses sibling conflict

✅ Small intentional strategies transform family culture

✅ Raising emotionally intelligent kids strengthens relationships

Chapters:

00:00 Creating an Extraordinary Family Life

02:19 Addressing Sibling Rivalry

05:43 Healing Underlying Issues

11:17 The Importance of Self-Reflection

19:09 Tools for Emotional Mastery

27:04 Noticing and Addressing Small Issues

32:06 Practical Strategies for Conflict Resolution

40:27 Navigating Sibling Conflicts

45:27 Teaching Emotional Intelligence

50:40 Calming Techniques for Heated Moments

56:02 Addressing Annoying Behaviors

01:01:08 Promoting Personal Responsibility

01:06:08 Building Perspective on Family Dynamics

01:11:31 Handling Name-Calling and Insults

01:21:12 Building Resilience in Children

01:22:59 Parental Responsibility and Empowerment

01:25:19 Emotional Bank Accounts in Sibling Relationships

01:26:14 Understanding Fairness in Family Dynamics

01:28:59 Teaching Fairness and Sharing

01:32:32 Addressing Physical Aggression in Children

01:39:49 The Importance of Accountability and Consequences

01:49:35 Fostering Ownership and Responsibility

01:51:30 Eliminating Jealousy and Competition

01:53:46 Standing Up Against Bullying

01:59:24 Creating an Extraordinary Family Life

Memorable Quotes:

🗣 "Consequences don’t have to be harsh to be effective."

🗣 "When kids choose their consequence, they’re more likely to learn."

🗣 "The goal is connection and growth — not fear or shame."

🗣 "Sibling conflict is a classroom for empathy and emotional intelligence."

🗣 "Small, intentional changes in parenting make big family transformations."

RESOURCES:

Let us help you in your extraordinary family life journey.

How We Raised 7 Well-Adjusted Kids - Without Yelling, Tantrums, Punishments or Power Struggles (+ get THE CHECKLIST: Things We Do Every Day to Raise Well-Adjusted Kids)
Rachel’s ⁠⁠ Must-Read Booklist for Well-Read Moms⁠⁠
Greg's ⁠⁠Recommended Reading List for Parents & Youth⁠⁠
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We have to focus on the underlying causes.

This is our superpower.

You parent who?

You are.

If you're going to choose to be bothered by small things, how often will you be bothered?

I generally start with validation.

We can hold the standard without screaming or yelling or threatening.

0:17

It's our fault.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life Podcast.

We're your host, Gregor Mitchell Denning, as always, bringing you the goods to help you create your own extraordinary family life, however that looks for you, your own unique wonderful dreams and happiness.

0:34

And and I just we think about this all the time and Rachel are talking about this, thinking about this, writing about it.

We love this like we love families and marriages and children.

And we want you to enjoy the happiness and bliss and success and the results that are totally possible.

0:54

And we created that for our family.

And if we can do it, you can totally do it.

Because we're nobody special.

Not like we don't have magical powers or we're not aliens or anything like that.

So we're just like, well, this is what works.

And we experimented a ton.

We tried a different.

Thing it's a lot of.

Mad And so, you know, we could recommend the thousand books each that we've read.

1:15

Or read them all and.

Which is fantastic and you can try it and then by the time your kids are gone, you're like, don't should have done that differently.

But that's why we're trying to, we're trying to take all that we've learned with working with thousands of families across all kinds of continents and give you the stuff that just works.

1:31

And a lot of it is big picture philosophy and strategy.

Like, OK, here's the core principle, here's the the overarching idea.

Here's the foundational core value.

So it's we got to go big and then we come all the way into very specific strategies.

1:46

Which I think the, honestly, you and I spend a lot of time in that space, kind of the bigger picture, the philosophy, the underlying framework or, you know, just it's the bigger picture.

But we are trying to get more specific with some of the actual details like on the day-to-day, what does this look like?

2:08

How does this feel?

What do I say?

And so especially today, that's something we're going to go through.

We're we're literally going to give you scripts for one of the biggest problems that parents complain to us about their kids fighting sibling rivalry, sibling conflict.

2:25

And so we want to talk through that not not the philosophy behind it per SE, although we'll do some of that, of course, but the scripts like what do you say?

How do you resolve these conflicts with your kids?

And ideally, how do you resolve them long term?

And I.

2:41

Know for me, one of the core reasons I like to focus on the big picture is because I hear a lot of so-called parenting experts giving specific strategies that to me now having worked with thousands of families literally, it's still like, man, those strategies are like straightening deck chairs on the Titanic like that suckers going down and you can do all the little symptom management and you can stop the little problem here and the little problem there I'm like, if you don't address the core issues, who cares if you're dusting the window seal and the house is on fire It's it's going down.

3:25

And so we want to hit the big stuff, the meaningful stuff to make sure the entire ship is moving in the direction you want to go.

Your whole family's right.

Yeah, exactly.

So you want the ship moving forward, succeeding, winning, like 10 years from now, 20 years from now, what is this looking like What are your kids like as superb adults and human beings not.

3:48

We survived the toddler stage and then we survived the tweens and.

But by the time we got through it, our kids don't really like us.

They don't really respect us.

They don't want to spend time with us.

Or with each other and they're bitter and resentful and they go around complaining to everybody about their childhood.

4:05

Yes, like we're trying to avoid all of that garbage.

So even as we talk about these things, we want to continue to remind you as we often do, because that's what we focus on is that we cannot only give attention to symptom management.

We have to folk, we have to ultimately, especially if we want long term lasting results, permanent results, we have to focus on the cause, the underlying causes and on healing wounds or fixing broken bones.

4:36

Like if we want to keep using this analogy instead of just putting band aids on things or giving some medication that you're like, well, that's great.

It might be a temporary fix, but it's not a long term solution.

It's not long term healing.

And when you create that long term healing in your family, you know, because if your kids are fighting, there's an underlying issue and it could very well be related to some sort of mental, emotional, I don't want to use the word trauma, but like.

5:05

Yeah, I'm thinking of the word infection.

OK, I, I think this is fitting.

Yeah.

Let's say you picked up a little infection and maybe that came from even the generation before you.

But you have this little infection and you come in and you just, you pass it along and there's an infection and and it keeps spreading and in order.

5:21

To the child has a mental, emotional.

Infection, infection.

And we need like an antibiotic that gets it for good because if we just keep putting, you know, lotions on and band aids.

And some Tylenol.

Hey, come here.

Yeah, exactly.

So we're doing symptomatic, but like, let me give you some Tylenol because it looks like, you know, you got a fever and things are bothered, but we never fix the infection.

5:41

Then it just keeps spreading for generations.

It keeps going.

So yes, we're going to give you some ways to handle specific situations, but the goal always is let's get rid of the infection.

Exactly.

That's really heal the issues because then that's when you get to a place where we are now where most of the time we're not dealing with the symptoms because we're all healthy, we're all mentally, emotionally strong.

6:09

So there's very little conflict.

There's very little if no fighting.

You know, it's a good place to be because as a family we feel happy every single day.

We feel connected every single day.

There's not the irritations, frustrations, annoyances of many family life, many in family life.

6:29

And so it like it's fun.

It's it's exciting, it's wonderful.

It's like you love being with your family because it's a good place to be where you actually feel good.

With each other.

Everybody loves our life.

Yeah.

And our kids, our kids, our teens, we have three teens at home right now.

6:48

They love each other and they miss each other.

And a couple of them are off.

All have an adventure together, which they love.

And the other ones like, oh, I miss them.

I want to be together so.

Can't wait till they're.

We don't have that teen rivalry and, and fighting and the, the snarky attitudes and the competition and the, the biting mean words and attacks and the, you know, all the, the enmity and venom that comes in.

7:14

In so many cases, it's, it's non existent.

I know some of you listening, like, come on, that's a pipe dream.

Like it doesn't exist.

It totally exists, 100% still exists.

And you're welcome to come stay with us and see it as many families have, because we want to, like, we want to show you it's real.

And so you can see it up close, like, oh, this is what's possible.

7:32

It's amazing.

And today we're going to talk about how to make that happen.

And of course, because I always have to do this, that doesn't mean we have a perfect family and we have perfect children.

And it doesn't mean that life still doesn't happen.

7:48

Life is life.

Like, you're still going to get frustrated about things, and you're still going to get annoyed by things and you're still going to be irritated by stuff.

Up my toes, Austin.

It's just so.

Annoying.

Like, haven't I moved beyond this?

I'm 40.

Seven, that's life.

But the point is when you learn how to deal, manage, control, process your emotions, then you can have the irritations and frustrations of life, but then move through them, not be stuck in them, especially not for hours, days or weeks.

8:22

Right?

And that, that right there, I guess is the is the key difference.

It's not that our family doesn't experience the normal things of life because even our 8 and 11 year old, they'll have their little squabbles over a little thing, but it's short lived.

It doesn't escalate it.

8:39

Doesn't lead.

To yelling, screaming, violence, insulting.

It's cute, it's minimized, and it's short lived because we are teaching and modeling the tools to move through negative emotion so we can return to positive emotion.

8:57

And it's not fake and it's not phony.

It's actual tools that help you get to that way of being the majority of the time.

Yeah, I love it.

Yeah.

So Rachel, I've been sharing a lot of parenting strategies and family strategies on social and we're getting a phenomenal response.

9:17

It's, it's really great.

But I keep seeing these recurring comments and it's, it's like this immediate reaction from people.

It's like, well, we can't be perfect.

Like there's no way you can't be perfect.

And I keep, they keep using this word, we expect us to be perfect.

9:34

It's, it's so interesting.

It's such an interesting psychological phenomenon is when you hold up a standards like, Hey, we need to be great, truly great people's immediate reaction is I can't be perfect.

And and I'm just been responding like nobody said perfect, right?

9:51

I would never use the word perfect.

I I would never offer something and say you need to be the perfect parent, right?

This is the only way that's going to work is if you're perfect dad or you're a perfect mom, you handle that perfectly.

But that's our re.

10:07

It's like our like a defense mechanism.

It's like I can't be perfect.

It's like nobody's talking about perfection.

We're talking about being present.

We're talking about being doing a great, like really striving to be phenomenal.

Nobody said anything about perfect.

10:22

So dismiss this idea of perfection.

If you keep setting that on the table, I can't be perfect.

I can't just grab it, throw it in the garbage can where it belongs and don't ever bring it up again.

And when your mind tries to bring it up, I'll just be perfect.

Throw it back in the trash.

The sucker grows arms and legs and crawls out.

10:39

Like put it back in the trash.

We're not talking about perfect, we are talking about being great.

Or being better, even if that's 1% better than you were yesterday.

Fantastic.

Celebrate that one.

Percent.

Better and then keep going for those small adjustments.

10:55

By the end of the by the end of the year, one year, you can have progressed so much that your family could be like unrecognizable from what it was.

This is so powerful and so important.

So it's not perfection, it's just improvement, yes.

11:11

But this is leading into where I wanted to start.

Although we started, I want to emphasize this before we get into the actual scripts and scenarios.

And that is ultimately, I think one of the most important things that parents need to understand is that you parent who you are.

11:34

Now that might sound strange when I say it like that, but what I'm trying to say to you is that as we go through these things, I could, I could say something and you could say the same exact thing and it's going to come across differently to your child because we are not the same people.

11:52

We parent who we are.

So who we are, our way of being like the energy we carry, the, the love or hate or whatever it is that's within us that we have, that radiates and that is how we parent.

12:12

We cannot, we can't not parent that way.

So ultimately, especially as we're talking about healing and fixing the underlying problems.

And this is one of the ironies, although maybe it's just the way life is meant to be, that for many of us, in order to parent well, we have to heal ourselves because we can't keep operating as sometimes broken, sometimes lots of open wounds.

12:41

Infected.

Sometimes infected, we can't keep operating like that and expect to get different results.

We have to heal, we have to grow, we have to get rid of the infections so that we can parent who we are as a healthy, emotionally, mentally stable person who then can show our children how to live in the world, how to interact with other people.

13:08

Because this is the uncomfortable truth that many of you and maybe all of you who deal with children who are fighting, it's very likely due to the 'cause that they've seen you or your spouse behave in those ways, either with each other or with them, and they're simply imitating that and exaggerating it.

13:31

Because that's what children do.

Well, even even outside the home as well.

Let's say as a dad, maybe you're a very angry driver.

Yeah.

And when you're on the road, it's just you're cursing and yelling, that stupid idiot.

And why cut me off, brah?

And you're just brah upset.

Or you're always cursing out the neighbor.

13:48

Or you come home and you complain and criticize about the people at church or or at work.

Or maybe you're just a fighter.

Maybe you're very contentious and cantankerous at work and you bring home that energy.

14:04

And so you might in your head say, well, I don't.

I don't fight at home.

I'm not fighting with my wife.

I'm not fighting with my kids.

But you fight all day with coworkers or employees or customers or whatever it is like you're just.

14:21

And so then you come home with that energy.

What you you can't escape it because of what you're saying earlier.

You teach what you are.

Yeah.

And so you bring home that energy and the kids absorb it.

They pick up on it.

They absorb it over years.

They just slowly absorb it.

And then they're fighters.

14:36

And you're saying, like, why do our kids fight so much?

That's because you, Sir, are contentious.

Right.

Well, because children learn.

I mean, we, we instinctively know this with babies, but we forget that this continues for the rest of their life pretty much.

14:52

You know, they learn by observing and imitating.

They watch us.

They hear us speak and then they model it.

And that's how they learn to walk.

That's how they learn to talk.

But it's also how they learn to interact with other people.

It's how they learn to speak.

15:08

It's how they learn to, well, speak, but to share their emotions.

It's how they learn how to deal with emotion and frustration.

And disappointment and things they don't like.

If they see you when you're upset, upset, frustrated, angry, behave in certain ways, then by the nature of their being, they think, oh, when I feel those emotions, that's how I behave.

15:34

That's what that means.

And then as parents, we get upset at the I, I, I'm laughing because it's actually so ironic.

We get upset at them for simply imitating and exaggerating what we do.

Now, the reason I'm talking about exaggeration is, 'cause that's what kids do.

15:49

We may feel like, Oh well, our response was measured, it was controlled, it was all this.

Definitely justified.

Yeah.

Justified.

I was dealing with no money.

Yeah, they're just dealing with their toys.

Exactly right and.

I, you know, they shouldn't be treating their siblings like that where I can definitely treat my neighbor that way 'cause it just cost me a lot of money.

16:06

Exactly.

Right.

And they're not sitting there interpreting that and measuring that.

They're like, oh, I saw Jack.

This emotion, here's how I act this emotion out in the world.

And so I'm going to do that with my sibling because I've seen you do that.

And they exaggerate because children do not have a fully developed prefrontal cortex.

16:26

In fact, it doesn't become fully developed until the age of 25.

So they don't have that regulating factor.

That's why it's exaggerated, because they don't have the same prefrontal cortex you do to kind of keep it in check or keep it calm.

So that's the at least the psychology and the biology of what's happening.

16:43

So we need to start there.

You have to know, I would say 100% they're watching you and modeling it.

That's where the fighting is coming from.

Boom.

And.

So take take a look, just take a quick look at yourself, mom and dad, are you like, what's your predominant emotion?

17:03

What are you feeling most of the time?

What's your predominant behavior?

What's your predominant disposition?

How often are you getting upset?

And when you're getting upset, what are you doing about it?

How do you handle mistakes and failures?

How do you how do you handle interactions with other?

17:19

People disappointment or yeah yeah, conflict.

So yes, how do you have a conflict when something happens at the grocery store or at the bank or the dentist office or in traffic?

How do you respond to it?

That's going to give you a clue of why your kids are behaving the way they're.

17:37

Behaving because they are paying attention, they're watching, and they're copying it.

All right, So with that foundational understanding, which ultimately is the key, and you know, we're essentially saying, and we know this isn't easy, we're essentially saying if you want to get rid of the problem for good, you have to start with changing yourself so that you become a different person who models that for your children.

18:02

So that ultimately, if you did that one thing, you honestly wouldn't have to say a thing because your children would see how to operate in the world and they would copy it.

They would model it.

Now, that doesn't mean that there's still not some things we can do to make this process better and easier by giving our kids the tools.

18:21

And again, it's easier.

It's easier if you already have the tools.

If you don't have the tools, that's probably why you're here listening because you're like, I don't have the tools.

I don't know what to do.

When you gain the tools because of your own growth journey, it's so much easier to give that to your kids because you're like, oh, I've walked the path.

18:38

I know, I know what to do because I've done it myself.

So you have something more to give them.

But when you give them the tools now they actually have something to work with instead of like, Oh well, I'm just copying you or I'm going off what I saw or heard or the media or my friends or whatever.

18:56

They have tools to know how to handle the situation more effectively as they continue to grow in their development.

Absolutely.

And we, you and I have done episodes.

I did episodes on my podcast about emotional mastery and helping yourself manage your emotions, helping your kids manage their emotions.

19:13

So that's the first place to start here is getting those specific tools for managing emotions yourselves and being in charge of what's going on.

Yeah, that is going to be an absolute game changer in the overall family dynamics and culture, the feeling there and the habitual patterns that are happening inside your family.

19:31

Yeah, exactly.

And it just, I'm going to say this out loud because I just thought about it because we totally recommend doing writing exercises and stuff to help you process negative emotions and get rid of them.

That's all going to help you calm down and be more in control.

19:47

And so we should actually create a resource, you know, like APDF or something that can help guide people through that because it's a very powerful practice that we give to all of our coaching clients and that we've done ourselves many times.

Just my thought there.

OK, so as we get into this.

20:04

I do also want to remind you of a few other things like we're going to give some scripts and we're going to probably both give, you know how I would say it or how you would say it.

And, and so we want you to know like there's no one-size-fits-all.

There's no just like, oh, say this exactly.

20:20

And that's going to work every time there's some intuition and some wisdom that is involved.

You have to be able to say it in the right tone.

You need to be use the right timing and.

The right tool.

Sometimes humor works, sometimes it's.

It's the wrong.

Bad timing.

20:36

For humor, right?

So sometimes you're going to use humor and sometimes you're going to just mirror their emotion and and help them feel that you empathize with them.

So we do have to kind of feel that out and not just be like, Oh, well, the Dennings said.

To say this funny thing at this moment, and then you try it and you're like, Oh, well, that didn't work.

20:56

I want to emphasize.

You have to use wisdom.

It's different with each child as well, yes.

So.

Every child like our our two older sons, our approaches with them had to be vastly different.

I thought, man, boys are boys and here are two boys are close in age.

I'll just use the same strategy and tactic or tool.

21:11

It didn't work because they were so different.

Yeah, with one of them, a very soft touch was plenty Was the other one, the soft touch was laughed at.

OK, well, that didn't work.

And vice versa, if I if I came down too hard on on one son is like it was crushing and her phones like, well, that was way too much.

21:31

And so each child will be different and unique.

And so as we're giving these specific examples, you have to measure them out and see what's effective with each child, any situation.

Yes, exactly.

There's another thing too, and I, I feel like too many parents don't understand the power of this tool.

21:54

And you know, say we give you a script of some things to do and you from the other side of the room, yell it across the room to your children.

That's not going to work.

Like one of the key things you and I do, because this is what works, is when our child is getting frustrated, upset, whatever experience any, any sort of negative emotion, we go to them.

22:22

We don't yell from across the room.

We don't tell them what to do from across the room.

We move over to them and we almost always touch them because simply that right there is going to help them regulate their nervous system.

It's going to help them calm down.

22:38

If you're calm when you do it.

If you come over in anger or frustration.

Grab them by the neck.

Yeah, that's not.

Going to tell me to touch.

So I got you by the throat, right?

Grabbing your hair.

That's not going to help regulate their emotions.

So we're talking like hand on hand, hand on arm, arm on the shoulders, like, hey, come here, hold on, take a breath.

22:57

What's what's going on?

Talk to me and and they're going to be all bristled and angry.

It's like, hey, we'll just OK, we're going to work this out.

We'll figure it out.

Sometimes as appropriate, you may tickle them, you may wrestle with them.

I mean, it depends.

Again, you have to fill it out and every child is different.

For some that works, for some it doesn't.

23:13

And also, you know, cuz parents will say, well, I tried that and they didn't like it.

Well, if your, if your kids aren't used to you touching them and you only touch them when they're upset, yeah, they're not going to like that.

They're.

Actually going to be.

It'll be bothersome, yeah.

Cuz they're like, why are you touching me?

Because you never touched me.

23:28

So you also have to like take proactive action to touch them more, to cuddle with them more, to give them more affection.

So that in a moment like that, they, they, they, their nervous system feels that, oh, this is a comforting thing, not a scary thing, right?

23:46

Right.

So I mean just simple, like, do you give your kids hugs?

Hug your kids every morning, every evening?

At least.

And so they're used to hugs and hugs is like, it's just reassurance.

There's actually tons of cool science behind it, but it's people need hugs and the hugs a good thing.

And so if we walk over, if something's off, they're feeling off, they're frustrated, they're upset, they're discouraged, they're angry, they can't figure out the math problem or something's not working.

24:11

And you go come here, bud.

Just give them a big hug.

It's like, Oh yes, they they know that.

OK, I can let me take a chillax here and we'll figure this out.

Well, and that's brings up another key point because one of the reasons that conflict occurs in a family is because it's it again, it's like an infection or it's like a chain effect.

24:31

So if your child gets frustrated or irritated about something and it could be something totally unrelated to their sibling, they their math, their, their studies, their breakfast spilled on the floor.

I, you know what I'm saying, Like, whatever, whatever causes an irritation, if that irritation is not resolved and if the frustration is not resolved and their positive emotion is restored, then they care.

24:56

And, and we know this is true about us too.

As adults.

We carry that with us.

And then that irritation and frustration then spreads, spreads like the infection because it's part of who we are now.

Like we're just spreading that.

We're spreading that energy, right?

25:12

So.

Hey, you're walking around irritated, so something happened in the morning.

And it just you're.

Irritated.

Yeah.

So now all normal interactions like somebody bumps into you, You would have been like, oh, hey, no big deal.

And you're like.

Watch out, idiot.

And it's like, whoa, what is going on?

It's because you're carrying that.

25:28

Irritation.

And so that's happening with your children.

So you and I are also intentional about paying attention to the small irritations and frustrations and being proactive to go over there, like you just said, and like, give a hug.

And I'll often do that if I see them starting to get irritated about something, intentionally go over and give a hug.

25:49

I tell them I love them and I'm and I will often pray.

Thank you for working on your studies.

Good job.

You're doing great with this.

That right there is enough to calm them down, to restore the their nervous system so that their future interactions with their sibling are going to be positive instead of negative.

26:06

It just it's like reducing friction.

Or pulling the brain out of fight or flight, right?

So they either want to run away, slam doors, throw things, or they want to get in a fight like I'm, I'm going to hit somebody or something.

I'm, I'm going and like, hey, well, we're bringing that.

26:23

Just relax the brain, bring it out of that state.

So it's like it doesn't have to fight.

It doesn't have to run away.

It can start sinking and processing.

But again, that, well, that strategy only works if you're in the habit of already doing that, right?

Otherwise it's like they're like.

I guess it could work because it's it's a pattern interrupter.

26:40

Like you never hug me.

What's going on?

Yes, and it is a pattern interrupter.

First I have to do something that came to mind.

I have to say this, and I have to say with as much emphasis as absolutely possible, this is our superpower.

So everybody listen up.

This is our superpower.

26:56

We notice things when they're small and we go address them immediately.

Do not let things get out of control.

Don't let them escalate.

Don't let them grow.

That's the problem with most, most parents is either they don't notice because they're just like doing their thing.

27:13

Whatever, they're busy.

They're they're just not even there, not.

Notice that my children, I used to not notice my children's emotions until they were literally like fighting or screaming or having a tantrum and then I'm like, oh, they're upset now I notice.

And you think like, oh, I just noticed it must have just.

27:29

Happened.

Exactly.

But when you start to pay attention, you realize that it builds and it builds and it builds for hours or longer, right?

And so you notice that, Oh yeah, it's actually beginning to happen.

That's when I now address it.

27:46

And that's why it prevents the problem, because it never grows to a big deal, and not because it's fake or I'm just sweeping it under the rug.

That's not what's happening.

We're literally restoring positive feelings.

And we're resolving the issue when it's small.

28:02

So parents let that sink in.

Like this is so critical.

Easy is it to solve a little problem, a little irritation to go over and resolve that, and it goes away.

It's so easy because it's tiny.

It's like this teeny little monster and you just go over and you just squish it like a little bug.

28:20

But if you're not paying attention, you let it go and you're just like, not a big deal.

I don't have time for this.

Then it grows into a huge monster and then it's just destroying the whole house and you're spending hours.

Forced to give time to it now.

Dealing with tantrums and battles and broken emotions and hurt feelings and broken things in the house.

28:38

Like it just went crazy and you could have just squashed it when it was teeny tiny.

So that is our superpower.

We do not mess around.

We see the littlest irritation like let's resolve it.

So we're all good.

It happened this morning our our 8 year old.

28:54

She wasn't feeling well.

She was feeling off.

I think she's a little dehydrated, a little hungry A.

Little bit too late this.

Is this is critical?

You guys like the first thing in our heads and Rachel and I was like, OK, something's off.

We're immediately thinking, do they need sleep?

Do they need rest?

Do they need food?

They need water?

Like what's going on here?

29:10

Do they just need some some cuddling?

We're immediately thinking like the the core 4, right.

And so she was like, I get her just like, yeah.

And she was trying to do her studies and it was bothersome.

So I'm like, boom, let's immediately get over there.

Hey, you feeling all right?

You go off and she's like, oh, I have a headache.

29:27

Like, oh, come here.

I brought her some water.

Like, we talked to her.

It's like, it's OK, we'll help.

You went over and helped her with this little assignment she was working on.

Then I got her some food and did you notice, like after she had a couple bites, he helped her.

She was as happy as convenient, pleasant and positive and playful and making jokes and all stuff.

29:45

And it's like she went from thirsty, hungry, tired, frustrated to I feel fantastic.

What a great.

Day exactly.

Yeah.

Now, I do want to of course, add.

We have to always throw this in here.

This is not, we're not recommending that you are helicopter parents to avoid all discomfort and challenge in your child's life because you don't want them to be frustrated or irritated or whatever.

30:11

We're not talking about that.

And in fact, we intentionally facilitate challenge in our children's lives so they can learn that.

We're helping them process and we're not doing it for them.

So we're we're not advocating that you you're always there hovering and jumping first thing and and do it for them.

30:28

We're not.

Please, please, please do not resolve your children's challenges or frustrations or difficulties for them.

Don't do it for them.

Help them do it.

Give them the tools to do it well, Don't do it for them.

That's really important and it's subtle.

30:45

There's a little distinction there, but it's a fine line of you stepping in to help them do it and you stepping in and doing it.

Big.

Difference.

There's also a very nuanced distinction on how you help your children to take on challenge and to become resilient.

31:05

And actually, resilience is created from a strong, stable mentally emotional, mental, emotional base.

So if you try to push your kids or make them do hard things when they're not feeling one, when they're not opting into it, like they have to opt into that, but they're going to be more likely to opt into those things because you might be thinking, oh, my kids would never choose to do that.

31:30

They will actually, if you take these approaches that we're describing and they feel mentally, emotionally, physically safe with you as their parent, then when you encourage them to step into challenge, they choose to do it on their own.

And we know this works because it's happened from the smallest things of going on a hike with our little girls to our some of our older teens summoning Mount Kilimanjaro.

31:55

Our our older kids would follow me anywhere, really anything.

So, you know, I just want to get that out of the way so we're not misunderstood about what we're trying to promote here.

Love it.

So now some of you are listening like, hey, when are we going to get the conflict?

32:10

What do I need to say?

But this is the core, because if we give you the things to say and you go over and say them, but you're not dealing with the hungriness and you're not dealing with sleep and, and thirst and, and irritations and frustrations and you're not pleasant, then you can say all the right things and it'll just fall on deaf ears.

32:26

And you're like, you Dennings are full of crap.

This stuff doesn't work.

It's like, well, no, you're always angry, you're always irritated.

You're ranting and raving at the government and politics and the stupid neighbors and the idiots and in that political field or those horrible blah, blah, blah, whatever.

32:45

And you're a racist and a bigot and a prejudice and then you're like, but I said the night the right things to my kids.

I'm like, So what?

They're looking at you then you're such a hypocrite.

You're nuts.

I hear you rant and Raven scream.

33:01

You're pissed all day long because the Democrats did this and the Republicans did that and the Mexicans that and the Muslims that and on and on and on.

And then you come over and the Jews and and whoever else is on the media and then you come over and like, please treat your sister nicely because that's what we do.

33:20

We're nice.

And they're like, you're never nice.

Like you Rat and Raven scream like a mad woman or a madman, and now you're telling me that we're nice?

This doesn't match up.

Because if you don't live the message, you suck as the messenger, so you have to live the message.

33:39

OK, let's get into some first one.

She took my toy or they're playing a game and they're fighting over the who's winning, who's losing the toy.

It's escalating.

Let's do stuff in space first.

33:55

You touched my thing, You took my toy, and this goes from toddlers to teens.

You touched my shirt or you moved?

My or possession?

You picked up my Legos or you touched?

Stuff on my bed.

Playing with my volleyball.

I didn't say you could play with my ball.

Why are you touching my stuff?

34:11

And naturally humans are, are very possessive.

And it starts with kids like this is mine.

And, and they want to hold on to things and they want to control things and they want to have space.

And it's the, the desire we have to have some control and, and have possession, right?

34:28

So our approach from the very beginning was unique, but it worked like a champ.

I wanted our kids to know that stuff is just stuff.

And I wanted them to keep it in proper perspective that if if we lose it all, it's still just stuff.

34:47

And in fact, you know, when our kids were young, we did lose everything financially, right?

Like.

And we lived minimalist like minimalist.

And we're like, OK, we, yeah, we came down to fall on minimalism and it was, it was a really great learning, really great experience for all of us.

And it, and it taught us like, OK, so you know, you have all the material things, the stuff, things, whatever.

35:06

It's just stuff like the things that really matter, the relationship, the love, the health, you know, good, good, mental, emotional health, spiritual health, our our family, those are all the things that matter the most.

Stuff is just stuff.

It can be replaced.

The house can burn down, kids can ruin.

35:25

How many laptops did our kids destroy with a cup of water?

Pushed them off the counter.

We had a toddler crawling up on the counter top with a brand new MacBook Pro.

We're on the ground, gone.

I'm not going to pretend I wasn't upset about that.

Oh man, we're like, oh, there it goes.

A couple grand and we were.

35:40

That was a time when money was tight and we're like, there it goes.

So you lose the stuff, but you're like, wait a minute, it's just stuff.

Yes, but I but you're also philosophizing because.

Well, here's why.

Depending on the age of the child, they're not going to really understand that concept because for some, when they're beginning to become aware that there's actually possession that, oh, some things are mine and some things are yours, Like they learn that and they often learn it from mom and dad.

36:08

This is my laptop.

You're not allowed to touch it.

That's also an important developmental step, right?

And so we don't want to entirely dismiss that.

So again, it kind of depends on where they are developmentally and.

So for little, little ones, they're not going to understand, you know, like abstract ideas and all this stuff.

36:28

I'm talking about a little bit older and they're as they're growing and we just kept teaching them until they get it.

But the reason I went on that little tangent is to explain the very specific strategy I'm going to use when, hey, they're touching my things or they're in my space is like, I wanted them to know that stuff and things and space isn't near as important as people.

36:53

Your siblings, mom and dad, our family, other human beings are way more important than stuff.

And so I kept iterating again and again again.

Never let stuff become a a point of conflict in a relationship.

37:11

Right.

So, OK, but say that it's happening right now.

And again, this is This is why it is challenging in this, in this space here is because the response you give is going to depend on, like I already said, the age and maturity of your child.

37:27

That's why when in our extraordinary parent mentoring method, we're separating into cohorts so that we can talk to parents of like, OK, this age of children, like the next cohort we're doing is 5 to 14 because the way you talk to them is going to be different than your teenagers and different than your younger children.

37:46

But let's have a scenario.

Let's say it's like a 5 and 8 year old was one of the things we received.

What would you specifically say in that situation?

And then I'll say what I would say in a situation.

So what I did all the time as I'd go over to the again, I'm not going over angry, I'm not going over upset.

38:04

I'm not yelling at them.

I'm not crossing.

The room punish them.

You're not yelling them from across room saying give it back.

Get off.

Stop.

Hey.

You and I'm not, you know, jumping in to be the rescuer.

I'm not, you know, blaming 1 and excusing the other.

I'm going to go over gently, calmly, love.

I'm going to touch like, hey, come here, come here for a second.

38:21

And they're and they're real fired up, right?

They're emotionally like, no, but he touched, you know, he broke the thing.

I was just building.

And I'm like, oh, that's, that's tough.

So I'm not dismissing their feelings either.

I'm like, yeah, that's really.

You're validating feelings.

It's like, yeah, he did.

That's a little boys too.

38:37

And they break those things.

OK, come here.

And and so we talked through it and I'm I'm going to put it in perspective.

Very often this is what I did and man, it would work.

So again, use it tactfully.

I'm like, guys, if, if this is causing fighting, if this toy right here say it's a stuffed animal, but I want it and there's no, it's my journey.

39:00

I'm like, this is not near as important as the two of you and I love you both.

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to take this stuffed animal and I'm just going to get rid of it.

It's gone because and, and again, I'm, I'm soft, I'm gentle, it's playful.

Like I never want you guys to fight.

39:17

Your kids already know your personality that you would tease them.

Like that, but then I would do things I'm like, I'm like, it's not it's not worth it.

You guys, if this is going to be a source of fighting, we we're just better off without it.

And so I would open the window and just thought like it's.

Gone.

39:32

And they're like, oh.

And all I did was throw it on the lawn, right?

But it's a pattern interrupt.

And it was a reminder like, hey, it's, it's never worth it, guys, come on.

I'm I'm sorry.

And then then it would probably be something of like, well, I'll go get it if you can play with it without fighting.

39:49

They can go get it like, oh, I'm going to get it.

Hold on.

Only if you make agreement like you're not going to fight anymore and we're going to look what what could be different?

How can you guys work this out?

They're like, well, she can take it first and I'll take it next and I'll play with the Bunny and she can play with the.

Cat and then I would say something like, would you like me to set a timer for that?

40:05

You know, especially if they came up with the time.

So, yeah, so in that scenario, when you're validating, you're doing a pattern interrupt in a playful, kind of crazy way, or they're like in.

Perspective.

And then you're putting it in perspective.

Like you, your relationship is more important than this toy.

40:23

And think, think about that listeners like it's it's so powerful.

If I teach the principal in a playful, fun, calm way, it's going to land versus I go over there, you knock this crap off.

I hate it when you guys are fighting.

This is ridiculous.

I'm throwing all your crap away.

40:40

I'm going to get rid of everything because I'm so sick of you fighting.

That's what dads are doing all the time.

Like, and some people might say, well, it's the same thing.

You're taking the toy.

No, it's not the same.

The way you present it, the way you handle it, the tone is all very different and it has a different impact.

40:55

Yeah, so just a couple things that are similar, but I would do.

So I generally start with validation.

So if one of them is so upset that they're yelling out they took my toy or she did this, then I start by validating.

41:11

I'm going to be like, wow, that's frustrating.

Oh, that's so rude.

I'm validating what they're feeling so they know right away not that.

And my kids know this already because I've done enough.

Not that I'm picking sides, but I'm validating the emotion they're feeling in that moment, right And.

Importantly, you're not looking at the quote guilty kid with the eye.

41:31

Like it's so rude.

Yeah, I'm not where you at.

It's more like a just a statement of reality like that's.

Rude.

It's not nice.

It's not nice, right?

Which they already know, but then I also will again.

I'm going over to them.

I'm touching one or both of them.

41:47

And then I'll say something like, did you take it or did you ask for it?

And they'll be like, well, I just took.

It and they're usually because they're in the heat of the moment, they're going to be like, well, but this is and I did this and and they're trying to justify their position as like they're fired up and they they have reasons.

42:03

Yeah, they have their reasons, but I'll, I'll stick to the main core like I like.

I don't get off in the tangent.

I'm not going to talk about all the details.

I'm simply going to stick to the the principle.

Like if you want something from someone, the polite thing to do is to ask.

42:19

So give it back and then ask, and if she's nice, she'll let you use it.

If not, you're going to have to deal with it because that's life.

So I'm teaching the underlying principle of manners and interaction and how you, you know, you have to have some diplomacy.

Kids are so funny too.

42:34

They'll give it back and they're like, give me that thing and.

Then I'm like, well, that's not bad.

Ask probably doesn't work if I.

Would try using.

Can I have it?

Gosh, and it's just fun.

You're walking them through it.

And I will, and I'll walk through it.

I'm like, let's try, let me try that.

42:49

If I came up to you and I said, can I have that now please?

How would you respond to that?

And so we kind of then start doing this role-playing of like, let's see what this actually looks like in the real world.

And do you think that's actually going to work?

So I'm asking questions, I'm giving examples.

We're role-playing and we're helping ultimately to understand how to interact with another human being around stuff, around possessing things.

43:15

And so essentially what you're trying to do is teach them the skills while not while not discounting their feelings, because their feelings are real.

And hearing their reasons and then going back to the main point.

Yeah, I get that.

That makes sense.

I understand.

But still, if we're going to be nice people in a family, we have to interact with each other in certain ways.

43:36

In fact, this actually just happened the other day.

My 11 year old who is neat and tidy and clean and she has a 8 year old sister who's more the artsy little more messy, free spirited, right?

That's her little sister.

43:51

And she left her clothes and her towel on her sister's bed.

And she said, come get your clothes and towels off my bed.

And I said to her, oh, that was a very nice way to talk.

Can you please use a different voice?

And she said, and this is the important thing.

44:07

She said, I just hate it when she leaves her stuff all around.

So she's voicing her feelings and that's important, which.

It was the reasoning behind her the.

Reasoning behind the voice.

And if we just discount it and say, well, you're wrong, you're bad, you did it wrong, you know, So I'm validating her feelings.

44:22

Like, yeah, I understand.

That makes sense.

I like it too when people keep things neat and clean.

And it's frustrating when they.

Do all of this, I'm saying as I walk closer to her and then also playfully I said, oh, because she said it specifically, I'm tired of her doing this.

And I said, do you know what I'm tired of?

44:39

You're using that voice, right?

But it was playful because they know my style and that's why it works.

So that's why I'm trying to emphasize like it has to work with your personality too.

If you say those types of things, but they're mean and vicious, it's not going to work.

I say it and they know I'm playful.

44:55

While I'm saying that with a smile on my face and laughing.

I'm walking over to her.

I put my arm around her and I say I understand.

And that is frustrating.

But because we love each other and because we want to have a happy family, we have to speak to each other in nice ways and be a little bit of forgiving of our quirkiness or our individual differences, right?

45:18

She's younger and she's she hasn't yet learned to be as clean and neat as you.

And so immediately that calmed her down so she felt better.

And then they went throughout the day and had no more fighting or issues because I had resolved the underlying emotions while at the same time holding a boundary and standard and giving examples and reasons why we behave that way.

45:40

One thing that we've all two things we've always done that are absolute game changer.

So if you're taking notes, you're paying attention, like write this stuff down.

So I would say superpower #1 is interviewing when it's small #2 is we're always tactfully asking the kids and reminding them who they want to be.

46:00

So it wasn't like who actually wanted.

Them to be.

We want to have.

Right.

And and, or who I want them to be or who you know, somebody at church or ground, whatever.

It's not, it's it's like, no, who do you want to be?

What kind of person do you want to be?

It's incredible.

Even little kids.

46:16

Yeah, I'm never using it in a manipulative way or shaming way.

Like you're better than that.

That's not who you want to be it it was always said in a very calm, honest, open ENT question of like, well, who do you want to be?

What kind of person do you want to be?

46:33

Just like that say, hey, hey, bud, what what kind of person do you want to be?

What kind of brother do you want to be?

What kind of sister do you want to be?

And when you ask that way, even little kids know they want to be good.

It's just like we have it in US.

46:48

It's that upward reach that God put in all of us.

They want to be good.

And so, but you're constantly reminding them, who do you want to be?

This isn't, this isn't about me.

It isn't about anybody else.

Like what kind of person do you want to be?

And if they're calm, you don't do it right in the moment when they're all heated up fire like, hey, who do you want to be?

47:05

It's it's inappropriate.

You calm down.

They're sitting on your lap or something.

You start with the validating, yeah.

We did all that other.

Stuff oceans calms them down.

And so then like, who do you want to be?

How do you want to handle this as your best self?

Like the kind of?

Person you want to be and they know it.

They're like, I want to be nice and I want to be generous.

47:23

I I do want to share.

Well, and it's amazing in that little interaction with my 11 year old that that's essentially what it was.

She loves our family culture.

She loves the love that we have, and she recognizes that it's there.

And so when I remind her of like, hey, yeah.

47:39

But we don't talk to each other this way because we want to have a loving family.

She immediately resonates with that.

She knows that that's true.

And so that's why it calms her, because she's like, yeah, you're right, that's what I want to.

And so the family way of being and the parents way of being now is very effective in a conversation like that.

47:59

The third thing I wanted to mention is we always ask them how it makes them feel.

I always did this censor a little.

So whatever behavior they're doing is like after again, calm them down, like validating, validating.

We're handling it all.

Once they're in a chill state, it's like, hey bud, how does that make you feel when you're fighting?

48:17

How does it make you feel when you take something away?

I know you wanted it.

You knew it wasn't yours and you went and took it anyways.

How does it make you feel?

Again, it's not manipulation, it's not shame.

I'm just asking an honest question.

I want them to have self-awareness and when they're sitting there like really wanted a thing, but yeah, it doesn't, it doesn't feel great.

48:36

Or when I'm when you're fighting and and really upset, how does it make you feel like it was?

I was angry.

Do you like it?

No, I don't like it.

It because it has this bitterness that comes with it.

And if you help them recognize that, then they're like, Oh yeah, I felt, I felt the bitterness and I don't like it.

48:51

I'm like, perfect, fantastic.

Let's not do the things we don't like.

Right.

Because I think what you're talking through here, that's so key to this entire situation is that we're trying to help our children develop self-awareness because the more self aware they are, the more self-directed they'll be in, the better behavior they'll have because they learn.

49:15

Oh yeah, I feel differently during different Times Now.

If there's never a space for them to feel those positive, happy feelings, it's difficult for them to know what that feels like and to ever then want to get into that state because they're always in a negative state.

So that's one of the key, that's one of the problems and one of our major roles as a parent is to help facilitate more positive states.

49:39

And point it out like.

Hey, and point it out.

Wow, this evening of I was playing games here together and just being as a family, no fighting.

How's that?

Love it.

They're like, this feels so good, like, yeah, let's do this more.

So we're acknowledging all the good feelings or letting them experience the bad.

And they're like, it it really all you're doing.

49:56

You just make it black and white for them.

You just hold it out.

It's like this feels bitter and kind of nasty and this feels wonderful.

You just choose which one you want more of and they're naturally going to choose like, wow, more good feelings.

Exactly.

So I I in my.

Every child wants that.

Parents may not know it.

That is what they want.

50:13

Every human being wants.

And the only reason that you don't have it is because they don't know how to get it.

Probably because you don't know how to get it.

But once you learn how, then it's easy for all of you to get it as often as you want.

And they may just assume that like, oh, this is just life.

50:31

Like I'm always I'm.

I'm upset all the time.

And maybe they learn that from you.

Yeah.

Woof.

OK, I can hear some of you asking.

Like, OK, that's a cute little strategy, but what if the kid doesn't calm down?

What if they're hot headed?

You go over and you gently trying to intervene tactfully and they're just ranting and raving.

50:49

They won't calm down, they won't listen, they won't reason.

And this is whether they're 5 or 15.

So then then what?

What do we do if they're escalated and they won't respond to reason?

That's when I'll say to them like, Hey, you, you calm, calm down here, take take a breath, calm down.

51:08

La La.

I'm like, hey, if if you don't chillax, you and I are going to have to separate from this situation, this space.

Together we'll go into the bedroom.

Yes, which is critical.

I am not sending them into solitary confinement.

That doesn't help.

So sending little kids off in a time out or or teens in a time out, that's not good.

51:29

So you're like, I'm banishing you, you're upset, and so you have to leave our family.

You have to go away.

Now, obviously there's a lesson there of like when we behave this way, we don't we're not allowed in the tribe and the tribe doesn't want us around.

We we literally get isolated when our behavior is poor.

51:45

But when we're trying to teach this, I'm like, you and I are going to go away here.

I'm going to go, we're going to go in this room.

I'm going to help you calm down, right?

So that they know that you, you as the parent, the most important person in their life, who's there to teach them and mentor them.

You're not abandoning them.

52:02

You're going to help them through these difficult emotions.

Because if they're not, if they're not settling down and they're not responding, it's because they're so heightened, like their brain is in such a reactive mode and they likely don't know what to do about.

It's like, I am crazy.

52:18

I can't even calm down with you standing here.

It's like, hey, we're going to go over here and, and you and I, we're going to calm down.

I'm going to teach you how to do this.

We're going to go over there.

I'm like, we're going to breathe.

We're going.

To flash on, I'm just thinking through scenarios.

Depending on the situation, I may just, again, I'm not sending the other child away in punishment.

52:35

I'm just saying, hey, let me help your sibling here.

Why don't you go work on something else or go do something else while I help them figure out how to calm down.

So I I might send someone else off, especially if we're already in a bedroom or whatever.

And we're going to, we're going to listen because if they need to vent a little bit, say, OK, tell me about it.

52:55

OK, keep going.

What?

Else what else?

And then they feel better because they vomited out all this anger and frustration and we hear them and we're just listening.

Judge them.

And we validate their feelings.

And that that right there is so powerful.

53:11

And I think if parents did that more often, it would solve so many problems to prevent so many problems.

Because often the reason a child explodes is because just like the reason we explode, there's a lot of stacked emotion that hasn't been resolved and finally there's this breaking point and they don't know what to do about it.

53:28

But if we focus on punishing the behavior because we think that's the problem, then we don't fix the issue.

We're doing the symptom management.

So we have to go resolve the issue.

We have to heal the infection, heal the wound and that and that is going to take an investment of time.

53:45

That's one thing parents don't like.

They're like, well, that's going to take too much time.

I don't have time to go sit and listen to them.

Then guess what?

You're going to get the results you don't want.

You have to be willing to invest in your child so you can get the results that you want.

And listening to them vent about all of their problems and complaints is one of the best ways to do that.

54:06

Without judging them, without telling them they're wrong, without telling them that they don't see clearly, whatever.

All and all, you're going to have all those thoughts and feelings.

Just listen.

Just validate, understand, say, Yep, this part of being human, we all feel like that at some point, and they'll feel automatically better.

54:25

Then you can hug them.

You can hold them.

And they'll calm down and they'll make better.

Choices.

They feel better if they will be ready to move through the world without fighting.

One of the most valuable things of listening is that they're gonna start articulating patterns.

Yes, because it's always like.

54:41

Talking is thinking.

People think by talking.

Sorry.

If you're listening like, why are you so why are you talking to mom like that?

What's what's going on?

Why are you so reactive?

She's always trying to control me here.

She never trusts me.

She's always picking on me.

Oh.

OK, there's something I'm I'm not just going to dismiss that.

54:58

And I was like, so you feel like you feel like Mom's like picking on you?

Yeah, she always pick on me.

OK, tell me why.

And did it tell you?

Saying something like Tell me why is helping to validate because you're not immediately discounting it.

55:16

It's like, no, you're wrong.

There's something wrong with.

It but nor am I saying yeah she totally does right golly I just say tell me and so I'm trying to understand right or wrong if the child's reality is well so and so is always picking on me or I'm always the one that's picked on it's never fair Mike OK those are big words interesting let's walk through that if they feel like there's a a pattern of injustice then the next little thing that happens is going to be a big explosion because it's.

55:44

Adding to the stack of injustice.

Just like this is so infuriating.

Like, oh, that's why we're getting these really big emotions because they feel like this is a pattern of injustice.

I'm just being wronged all the time.

So now I'm like, boom, there's the cause.

55:59

And as a parent, I'm going to talk to Rachel.

I'm like, we're going to go solve the cause of this pattern instead of just dealing with the symptom every time.

Exactly, Yeah.

Super powerful strategy, OK.

Good.

Let's go to the second one.

This one has to do with antagonizing.

56:15

So he's always annoying me.

He's touching me, he's in my space.

Kids are funny too.

They like to poke or pinch or hit or like every once in a while they just get this little streak of like, I'm going to do something annoying right now and they'll like slap.

56:31

We saw it the other day, these little, these little sisters that were here visiting and one of them just punched her.

I was like out of nowhere.

And that man, she was on it.

She's like fights on now.

And, and even with like I reached out to try to intervene, Mom reached out trying to.

56:47

She's like, I'm a throw punches.

Like, yeah, I'm, I'm getting justice here because she hit me.

I'm going to get her back.

Yeah.

And there's that sense of revenge and retribution and, and I'm going to make this equal.

And like they were throwing punches.

And finally I was like, look, if you want to punch somebody, come punch me here.

57:07

Come.

And they're like, no, come on, come on.

And and finally they came over and became a little game.

They were punching me in the stomach and we were laughing.

We're having a good time.

And it totally just fused this little Duke it out situation.

But they'll do it.

They'll do the things like that.

You're saying they'll they'll purposely be annoying or yeah, get in the space, whatever.

57:28

So then.

So I generally will.

And again, this, it depends on the age of the child, it depends on their maturity, it depends on what I already know about them.

My 11 year old can get annoyed with her 8 year old sister, especially as she gets older.

57:45

Now she's more mature, she's growing up, she's starting.

Her cycle now, so she's going into adolescence.

There's a big changes in her body and her brain and her thinking and her way of being.

And so she feels like, wow, I'm really maturing.

I want to start leaning into the older ones and oh this little shadow of mine is annoying me.

58:04

Right.

And besides the fact that she's also someone who really does appreciate her alone time, you know, she likes to be alone.

So depending, again, depending on all of those different things that will determine the response.

But I'll often say something like go over, give her a hug and like, oh, I'm sorry, why are you feeling I I try to bring it because our approach is always bringing back individual responsibility.

58:30

So I'm never like, Oh yeah, she's doing annoying things.

She might be, but that's not the point because I'm trying to teach my daughter responsibility for her own feelings.

So I'm like, why are you feeling annoyed?

You see how that question reframes it?

Because most of the time, the reason we're feeling annoyed by someone's behavior is because of our own feelings.

58:53

Maybe we're hungry, we're angry, we're tired, we didn't get enough sleep, we're frustrated or irritated about other things.

This happens with parents too, so if we recognize.

Rule or expectation or head.

It's not realistic.

If we recognize that the annoyance is actually coming from within, then we can resolve that and the quote UN quote annoying behavior isn't an issue because we've removed the inner annoyance.

59:21

So I know that about her.

So I will go to her.

I will hug her.

First of all, I'm not going to get after and be like, just get over it.

Like, what's your problem?

Stop Like, oh, why are you feeling annoyed?

And then she will is going to vocalize some reasons.

And if she is essentially something like, I just need some time to myself, I'm like, great, you can do that.

59:42

Why don't you just say, hey, Sanji, I'm going to go take some time and do some things on my own because I need some space, you know?

And then if necessary, I help Sanji understand that that's OK.

That's a normal part.

Like I take some personal time.

Dad takes personal time.

It's a normal thing to do, and that's OK.

59:58

And you can switch that too.

And so depending on the situation, you might switch it.

And you'll talk to our level, you know, and say, do you remember what it's like when you're 8 and you just want to play and it's the coolest thing in the world to play?

And you just wanted to play with your older siblings?

Like it was it was just play, play, play, play, play.

1:00:14

Please play with me.

And you hated being alone.

That's like, it means the world to her when you play with her, do you think you can go play with her for 10 minutes and then have some low time and she's like, Oh yeah, so you're giving them or?

Even tell her because I will, I'll use that that that approach and remind her of again how much we do love being a family.

1:00:34

And she's said before like, oh, it'd be so sad to be a only child.

So I remind her of those things while still validating her own personal desires, which are valid.

So and and so I might say, OK, but if you do that after you go take your alone time, can you then play with her later?

1:00:52

Right.

So it's either before or after, but I give her the option.

So then she's like, yeah, OK, yeah, I I can do that.

Love it.

Another thing I'll do in situations like this and and, and these little situations literally can be infinite.

They don't want to sit next to each other in the car.

1:01:08

It's cuz I it's we're too close.

They're touching me.

They're they're sitting right now.

I hate when they sit next to me or their stuff is like all over.

It's in my space.

It's like all these little things.

And it can be, it literally could be infinite.

So one of the things we're constantly teaching our kids and I'm even teaching my clients is like, only small people are bothered by small things.

1:01:30

And I'll teach these lessons.

We'll have it in, you know, our family devotional.

I'll teach it.

But even in the moment, like, and I'll kind of chuckle, I'm like, hold on, did you hear what you just said?

Yeah, so annoying.

I'm like, wait, you're bothered because there's something right there next to you.

Yeah.

1:01:46

So annoying.

I'm like, hold up.

I'm like, let's get a little bit of perspective here.

It's important to emphasize what you're talking about, that we preempt certain scenarios, or perhaps it's scenario that's occurred before.

1:02:01

And so we have a special discussion about it as a family, not with pointing fingers, but like, hey, here's the thing, Small people get annoyed by small things.

Then it becomes a thing that we've already said.

And so then when you say it in the moment, they don't take it personally because they're like, oh, we talked about.

1:02:18

That we talk about that all the time.

So and it's not like you just do this one off random.

We got to have a family meeting and I'm going to, we're going to talk, you know, I'm not pointing it out, but this is, it's like a they're, they see right through your little act, but we're constantly teaching principles and this is one of them.

1:02:37

So then, then I'll point out, I'm like, are you really going to choose to be bothered by that?

Is that like, how do you, how does that make you feel?

Is that the best self?

Again, we're teaching the same principles, but I'm like, you're really going to be bothered that somebody has to sit next to you.

I'm like, come on, like if you, and again, here's the, the big principle, we're constantly teaching.

1:02:53

If you're going to choose to be bothered by small things, how often will you be bothered?

And even a kid will get that'll be like all the time.

Like, yeah, you'll be upset all day every day because something's stupid.

Wouldn't it be better if you just decided not to be bothered by small things?

1:03:09

And I'm teaching.

Well, and, and we also put it into context because especially, you know, if you're getting in the car and you're going somewhere and doing something, we could say, well, I guess if that bothers you, you could stay home.

Yeah, if you don't want to sit next to them.

All right, you don't have to come.

And again, not, not mean, not rude.

1:03:27

It's like, well, the natural consequences if you don't want to sit in the car then.

Next to someone else.

Yeah, I guess then you don't come in the car.

And once they start to realize the context of the the larger environment and consequences involved, it's like, oh, well, yeah, I guess that's not a big deal.

1:03:44

Now, one of the things is our kids know when we say things like that, that we would actually carry them through if they decided they were going to stay and they were too young.

I'd be like, well I guess I'm staying with you because you don't want to be bothered by sitting next to your sibling.

And so they're all going to the beach or the water park or they're going to do something awesome, but you don't want to sit.

1:04:00

So OK, I guess we miss out and.

The reason why we are willing to make those kinds of sacrifices is because we realize in the end we're raising children and natural consequences are the best ones to give.

So I have literally missed out on process so that our children learn the lesson that they chose because they didn't want to endure the small annoyance or whatever.

1:04:22

Same.

I've done the same.

Yeah.

And and make sure that the consequence is natural.

When we come up with arbitrary, weird, disconnected things, they just are resentful.

They do not learn the lesson, They just get mad that you took away something that was totally unrelated.

But if the consequence is natural, it's the lessons built in.

1:04:39

Oh yeah.

I didn't get to do that because I was acting annoying or I was choosing to be bothered by something insignificant.

Right.

You know, with our travel lifestyle, we'll also put it into perspective.

We'll go smash into some crazy Subway or some chicken bus in Central America and and they force four people per bench in this old school bus from the 70s and you're just crushed in there and everybody stinks and there's animals like, yeah, don't get bothered.

1:05:10

Keep things in perspective.

Like wouldn't you remember that time we were in our nice car with everyone had their own seat and AC and you were upset?

Like remember this.

That's probably one of the reasons too, because when we do get in a car and we have our own space and we have like AC, our kids are like, they're like, this is love.

1:05:30

I mean, there are times we literally had to fight and smash our way onto a subway in Mexico City.

Remember that?

Like there was no way we were getting out of there.

And I was literally, I felt so bad.

I was literally shoving on Rachel and the kids to fit them in this subway.

1:05:48

So we didn't get separated.

There was no way like we're going to lose each other, like, and so we're smashed and there's like no wiggle room anywhere.

You're like, Hey, it's life like And when you have perspective and you stop choosing to get upset over things and then it makes it easy where for the most part, our kids don't get upset over little things and they can handle annoyances, difficulties.

1:06:10

And we kept reminding them, kept teaching them.

Now we'll have a flight cancelled and then a delay.

And then we missed the transfer and the wheels break off the luggage And we're, we're, it's, it's 1:00 and some random airport somewhere in the with tons of luggage and, and kids, little ones are falling asleep.

1:06:26

So I got, I'm carrying one, my other son's carrying another.

We're carrying all this luggage and we're like, and then we look at the map and it's like, Oh my gosh, it's a 2 kilometer walk to the train or the bus like.

At the hotel.

Everybody's laughing and smiling and they take it like a champ.

1:06:45

No complaining, no annoyance.

I mean, they're even like, they're laughing about chuckling, like, oh, this will be a good story.

Like let's go because we we lean into like how could we possibly be annoyed by little dumb things?

1:07:00

Right.

And and we remind them of the privilege of the opportunities that come with the annoyances.

And so that's kind of the framework we also bring to our kids when they get annoyed about things or irritated like, hey, would you, and we've said this, would you rather be an only child then you wouldn't have a sibling?

1:07:20

Or she's on my bed and it's like, well, you want me to take the bed and throw it out the window.

Every once in a while I'll do something like that.

I'll just grab the mattress, be like, I'm good.

I'm going to throw this out in the garage because I don't, I definitely don't want you guys fighting over it.

So if you really don't like it, it's like you don't need a bed.

I'm I'm good.

And again, I'm not being mean or vindictive or whatever.

1:07:35

I'm like, let me just take the mattress out to the garage and you're good.

Create the paradigm shift of like, it's a privilege to have these things.

It's a privilege to have your siblings, it's a privilege to be in a family.

These are good things, but they naturally come with irritations, annoyances, frustrations, like because that's life.

1:07:54

And so we have to learn to weigh those and be like, Oh yeah, actually I would choose this.

The other thing that I forgot to mention that fits with both of these is whenever they got possessive like she's sitting on, she keeps getting on my bed like well, did you, I'm sorry, did you buy that bed?

1:08:12

I must have missed that.

Did you go with mom and buy a bed?

Like, no, I'm like, oh, who bought it?

He did.

Oh, so it's my bed.

Oh, OK.

So what about this room?

I forgot.

Did you pay rent this month?

Oh, you didn't?

Wait, who pays the mortgage?

Oh, I do.

Oh, wait a minute.

1:08:28

This is my room.

So I'm letting you sleep in my room, on my bed.

That's so nice of me, right?

I'm you.

Know I think I'll let your sister sit on my bed too and and I just keep bringing this back and like it's just stuffing his things and it's and it's all mine.

1:08:47

And at the same time, you know, if they want personal space, great, we can arrange for personal space.

But the idea is it's really not yours, Right?

Right.

Just keep it in check.

We we'll also use the thing where, you know, like, oh, they took this or they they won't give this back or they won't let me have that.

1:09:03

I'll be like, oh, well, yeah, what about myself?

Maybe I shouldn't let you have that.

Or maybe I shouldn't be giving this to your this food or this.

Well, wait a minute, that's my fridge and all my food.

So let's make a deal.

You don't share with your sibling and I won't share dinner with you, Gil.

1:09:19

And they're like, no.

OK, how about we?

If I'm willing to share, you can be willing to share.

Because I share my couch with you every single day.

I share my food with you every single day.

Wait, the ACS on, oh, the Internet, the Wi-Fi, all this, it's all mine.

And then every once in a while, the kid'll, you know, they earn their own money and they buy something that's.

1:09:39

Mine, I bought it with my own.

Money.

I'm like, that's amazing.

How did you earn that money?

Why?

Went over and.

Worked for the neighbor.

I'm like well who's who's the neighbor friends with?

Like how did that happen?

Whose moped did?

You use Yeah.

And then you take the moped.

And what tools did you use?

Oh, yeah, all of that's mine.

1:09:56

So even that you earned some money, like you did it because I I helped you out.

And this is, I'm not doing it to be manipulative or rude.

I'm just bringing back perspective and context.

Like, oh, they're like, Oh yeah, OK.

Like here I am trying to pick this fight over something that's like what my parents are actually sharing with me every single day in so many ways that I couldn't do on my own.

1:10:19

And here I am being selfish about a French well.

We don't do French fries because it's one of the worst things you can eat on the planet, but with your a piece of steak or a brat first or whatever it's like.

They ate you.

Know some of my stuff, like Oh well, you eat my stuff every day, so perspective matters big time, OK?

1:10:36

We better, we are not making very fast progress here, but but we're hitting.

We're hitting all the fundamentals like I'm trying to give you the big picture.

I don't want to just give you walk up and say this and it'll solve the problem.

Like let's get under all the layers of it so it solves the big problem for good.

1:10:53

And, and I'm, I'm pointing this out, you guys, our oldest is 22.

We have seven children.

We don't have these issues in our family with seven kids and all these years because we teach at the core level.

We're trying to for Rachel and for me, our core desire is let's remove this problem for good.

1:11:14

Yeah.

So, so it's not chronic.

We have had the problems, but it's not chronic and ongoing, they're acute.

We're taking care of the the the core problem so it never happens again.

Like for the next 10 years that you're in our house, we don't have that issue anymore.

Rarely happen because because I would say that they sometimes reoccur as children go through ages and phases and they grow and mature.

1:11:36

Sometimes you find yourself reteaching a similar lesson because they're like.

For whatever reason, reminder or whatever.

Reminder.

Some of them will grab it though and that's it, it's done.

OK, next one stop copying me or mimicking and of course parents just get involved.

1:11:52

They it's annoying and they're like stop doing that.

You guys are being ridiculous but.

We would probably start doing it.

In fact, we have done it.

We start copying them too, just to make it playful, especially because often times something like that starts out as like a game where one of them is doing it and then one of them gets tired of it.

1:12:11

And so then they get upset.

And so we essentially what I do, especially in a scenario like that, is I remind them, hey, well, you did start out as playing a game.

You wanted her to copy you.

Now if you're done having her copy you just say I'm done playing this game now can you please don't copy me anymore and worst case scenario, stop talking because they can't copy.

1:12:35

Actually, they will.

If you stop talking, they'll stop talking too.

Copy that.

Or you can say with your little sibling, let's play the quiet game now instead, right?

So you're you're modeling your role-playing how to respond to the situation depending on what what's causing the irritation.

1:12:53

And that's often that that's something with like a younger age.

And and then there you can use any kind of diversion or distraction, like you always do something else.

Hey, let's that's where I would jump in and start wrestling or tickling or yeah, hey, we'll check this out.

And you could, you could just find a drawing.

1:13:09

You could look up a cool video of dolphins and like, and you might even, you know, they're over there.

I start noticing, right?

We start noticing and they're starting to squabble and it's getting a little bit of annoying.

I I might pull up something I know they love and like.

I can ask.

1:13:24

Well, you, this is a look at this lion.

This is insane.

I can't what?

And they come, right?

What what?

What is it?

I show them the video.

Like look how rad that is.

Like so so.

Cool.

Oh me, by the time we were in Africa on the safari and it's gone.

Yeah.

Right.

1:13:40

And you just just help them, like let's move on from that.

We don't need to have a fight over it.

Yep.

OK.

So but you're keeping it light hearted, name calling, insults or swearing even now often parents may respond exact reactively like saying don't say that and I would actually say you little.

1:14:00

Brat, stop calling names.

Right, I actually.

Wait, let's, let's pause.

If you're calling names to your kids, to your spouse, to your neighbors, to your in laws, to your siblings, no wonder your kids call nips, right?

1:14:16

If you're swearing, don't call names because you're doing it.

Especially you call you called them names, yes, and you're insulting if they hear you insulting.

As soon as you notice your kids are doing it, check yourself and be like, well, no wonder it's totally my fault.

1:14:32

And then here's what you do.

This is so powerful.

It's so important.

You hear them calling each other names and insulting each other or swearing and you walk over.

Instead of them getting in trouble, you walk over and you say, I am so, so sorry that I taught you how to do that.

1:14:49

I apologize.

I recognize that I've been doing that and I don't like it.

I don't like hearing you say it.

I'm going to change it.

So from now on, when you hear me call names, I want you to call me out on it.

That's one of the best ways to approach that scenario.

Or the same with the insulting, the same with the swearing.

1:15:07

You take responsibility for it first and then ask them to hold you accountable to it.

And that right there is going to encourage them to not use name calling or insulting or swearing.

Because your kids would be like, well, Dad, I hear you call the neighbor an idiot all the time.

1:15:25

And it's like, well, yeah, but I, I don't want you.

But they are on your child that.

Yeah.

But because he is an idiot.

He's like, well, my little brother's an idiot.

No.

And so then you're in the, you're in the weeds there trying to tell him it's not the same.

Whatever.

It's like, you know, you lost man, just don't do it.

1:15:44

But then OK, so how do you actually handle the situation?

You you apologize to Sam, right?

And, and in our this is for true for our family.

We and we taught this early on little kids and reiterate it 10,000 times.

We do not call names, we do not insult, we do not swear.

1:16:02

And so I actually, and that's what kind of where I started with when because we weren't doing that or we stopped doing that early on.

When I do hear my children do something like that, first of all, I'm wondering where they got it from, because they didn't get it from us.

1:16:17

They got it from movies, they got it from other people.

Snarky cartoon they.

Watched and so I often respond in a sort of reactive way, but it's intentionally reactive where I'm kind of like where did you hear that so that they know especially because they don't often do something like that.

1:16:34

They know oh wow, I just said or did something that shocked mom and that gets their attention and then I'll say like something like well, that's actually a swear word I don't want you saying that anymore please so I'm I don't shame them, but I I have this shocked response so that they are aware they're they pay attention and then I teach them the principal.

1:16:55

We don't talk like that to people because that's not nice or.

Appropriate.

Or even ask like, does that sound like a gentleman or does it sound like a lady?

Well, and depending on their age, they may not know because generally, at least in Mike situation, it happens when they're younger and they don't know they're just experimenting.

1:17:12

They heard something and they're they're going to try saying the word or repeating it.

So they don't necessarily know and if they get older but you're.

Still, I'm still teaching even a young age they may not comprehend like what I'm saying.

So you're.

Talking.

So you might say something like princesses don't talk like that, or ladies don't talk like that.

1:17:30

No, we, we, we want to be gentlemen and ladies.

So you would be teaching the the idea and trying to cement that in their brain that way.

Yeah, and with the older ones for sure, like, hey, guys, we're we're classy.

Yeah, we're even if people mistreat us, even if they insult us, like we're, we're going to walk the higher way because that's who we want to be.

1:17:50

We want to be dignified.

We want to be classy.

Now we can just stand up for ourselves.

We can defend ourselves, but and never at any point do we want to lower ourselves to some pathetic behavior.

Yes, and and because we have taken that approach early on with our kids, we don't have a problem with them insulting game calling or swearing even as teenagers.

1:18:13

Yeah.

It's non existent because we taught it so effectively and we teach it through stories.

We teach it through examples.

It was asking questions like who are who are your heroes?

Who are the people you admire?

Were reading great books together all the time.

And hey, remember so, so did you ever notice was like, she was she swearing and speaking about filthy things and none of that.

1:18:34

And it's like, no.

And, and every once in a while when the kids were little, it's like they were talking about, we called it toilet talks.

Like, hey, bro, you want some toilet talk, go talk to the toilet.

Like we're not doing that here.

Like seriously, go.

And they're like, no, I'm dead.

Seriously.

Like go, you would talk to the toilet if you want to do toilet talk and otherwise be classy.

1:18:54

Right and this is something that we are pretty these are this is one of the things that we're pretty firm on like we hold a very high standard with this, especially the name calling and insulting.

I mean the swearing too.

You know, I obviously I am actually guilty of swearing more than anyone else in the family.

1:19:13

But for the standard rule, the swearing and then the name calling and insulting like it's a hard fast rule.

So we don't allow any of the name calling and so because.

Like none.

1:19:28

None at all.

Because in general, our overall approach is so loving, warm, open.

We have a lot of freedom within boundaries in our family.

Our children make a lot of their own choices.

But when it comes to something like that, we are firm.

1:19:46

We are.

If if you ever describe us as being harsh, that's probably when we're going to be harsh because we want them to know we are very serious about not insulting and calling names.

Because when you fix that.

That's one of those underlying behaviors that fixes a whole lot of problem.

1:20:06

So if you can eliminate name calling and insulting from your family, of course, starting with yourself, you're going to improve overall behavior in general.

Like children are going to be nicer to each other just because they don't call names or insult each other.

So it's to me, it's a big.

1:20:22

Deal.

It's A and it's a big domino, yeah.

Now it starts moving things in the right direction.

That's really good.

And so you guys will notice as we're talking through this, like we have, we've got a few, only a few very firm boundaries with high standards and we hold those things.

1:20:38

So, and I hope you're nobody's confused here that we're all in this gentle parenting and we like let the kid do whatever.

And it's like, no, we have firm standards, but we can be kind and firm simultaneously.

We can hold the standard without screaming or yelling or threatening.

1:20:54

And we're constantly modeling the way like I want to be a refined gentleman.

So, and, and again, if you're new to this, you might be listening to like, I bet those Denning kids are a bunch of flipping babies.

They, you know, they can't even handle any name calling or insulting or sarcasm.

1:21:09

They're probably hypersensitive and little weaklings and wimps because their parents coddle them.

And that couldn't be farther from the truth.

Our kids are tough and solid, resilient and very resilient.

And but they're not even going to, they're not even going to be the least bothered by some idiot insulting.

1:21:25

I'm like, what do I care?

Like I'm secure, I'm comfortable with my own skin.

I love my life, I love myself.

I'm going to get out and rock things, build businesses, climb big mountains like I'm I'm taking on the world.

Like I'm not going to sit around dealing with idiots, but I'm not going to call him an idiot because that would be name calling.

1:21:44

You do actually use the word idiot a lot.

Do I use it a lot to 1st use it multiple?

Times just in this episode.

That's right, don't be an idiot.

But I don't.

Like I.

1:22:01

I would use that.

I I'll use it as a placeholder for people who do behaviors.

I rarely am using it for a specific individual and if if it is for a specific individual it is well earned and and my kids get that and they know that it is mostly a generalized.

1:22:25

Placeholder.

It's a.

It's a placeholder for certain behaviors.

Yeah, OK.

Next, number 5, the older sibling snaps at the younger sibling.

You know where they learned how to do that?

From the parents, obviously, yeah.

1:22:41

So stop snapping, because if you're snapping at your children then.

As your children grow.

Older, they think well this side treat children snap at them, same with criticism.

So if you criticize the older ones, what are the older?

Ones going to do.

They're going to criticize the younger ones.

Yeah, I know.

You probably think that.

1:22:57

We blame everything on you, the parent.

But that's because we do.

That's because we do, and the reason we do.

Is because we have learned first.

Hand from experience that if there are problems in our family, we, the adults are at fault.

It's our fault.

It started because you started the family and the problem started with you, yes.

1:23:16

So when you recognize that it's actually.

Very freeing.

People avoid it because they think it's condemning or shaming or makes them feel guilty.

But when you accept that it's actually freeing because then you realize you have the responsibility, which means you have the power to change it.

1:23:32

And when you have that power, it's empowering.

So it's a good thing to know that it's your fault.

There's there's going to be times when you have to remind the older kids that they're not the.

Parent that you are, you're like, so I'll say something like that if they're getting after their.

1:23:47

Sibling, I'll say, hey, I'm the mom, let me be the mom, something like that.

Or I will say, hey, you're older, which means have the responsibility to take care of your younger siblings, not to XYZ and to be kinder, to be more mature because you're.

1:24:06

Older if if you want to help correct a behavior.

Do it.

With real maturity, yeah, it's like, is your best, you could do it better and so.

Again I go into.

The role-playing.

Now as them being the older thing and I'll and I will also teach my older children the, the principle of what I'll call the emotional bank account.

1:24:25

I can ask their siblings and them to do things that they can't ask them to do because I have a bigger emotional bank account with them.

I of course gave birth to them, I raise them, but I'm constantly depositing into their emotional bank account every day with hugs and cuddles and and love.

1:24:43

So when I ask them something or I get after them, that's a withdrawal from that account.

But I have enough capital in the account to make that withdrawal where the sibling is going to have less capital simply by the nature of being the sibling rather than the parent.

And so they don't have as much capital to make withdrawals with.

1:25:03

And so I have to tell them you need to make more deposits if you want to be able to make those types of withdrawals.

In some in some situations, the siblings might have more capital than.

Parents do.

So parents, if you're not making big investments in your deposits like your, your kids might listen to each other more than they listen to you.

1:25:19

And it's because of that account, Yeah.

So the other thing I want to make it personal with the.

Older.

Child, if they're snapping, I want to just go talk to him about it, teach him the principal and say I might bring something like, hey, you remember the other day when you, you, you broke that thing of mine?

You remember how I handled it and like, yeah, you just came home and gave me a hug, told me it was OK and asked me to help fix it.

1:25:39

I'm like, boom, what if I come over and snapped and yelled at you and, and insulted you and called your names?

How would that have made you feel?

Like, yeah, I was so glad you were so nice about it that you didn't overreact.

Yeah, so let's do the same with with your younger siblings.

1:25:55

When they make mistakes, when they do things, let's just treat them with kindness because you feel better and they feel better.

Yeah, exactly.

Good.

OK.

Number six, fighting over fairness.

It's not fair.

I love this.

So our go to for this one.

1:26:12

That we've said from very early on is fair is where pigs win ribbons and you're not a piggy.

Life's not fair.

So we either say life's not fair or we say.

Fair is where pigs win ribbons because we want our children ultimately to know life is not fair.

1:26:29

It's not fair.

So don't expect to be to get fairness.

And especially in a family dynamic where all the children are at different ages, different maturity levels, they're going to be treated differently based on that.

And we want our kids to know this child gets to do this because they have earned that that right or that ability by passing this class.

1:26:52

We like to call it that.

Like they passed this class.

So they get to do that thing or they are older so they don't need as much sleep or they are this.

So they we teach them why the the unfairness exists.

And it, and when they understand that, they realize like, oh, OK, it's not actually unfair.

It's just life.

1:27:07

Yeah.

Kids will constantly compare and compete and they'll be like, hey, well, my sister.

Ought to do this.

I'm like, hey buddy, are you a 17 year old girl or are you a 14 year old boy?

Because last time I checked, you're 14 and you're a boy.

And, and so we're just pointing out the differences.

Always talking about like, yeah, it's, it's not fair.

1:27:24

It's just life.

You get to do things that other people don't get to do and other people get to do things you don't get to do.

And, and, you know, you get this and others don't.

I mean, and then, then we even, and we've travelled so much and they've seen so much, so many, so much suffering and poverty and so much unfairness in the world and they.

1:27:42

And so they know it.

Up front, up close and personal, like we're constantly in different nations, countries, demographics, we're among some of the poorest and some of the wealthiest.

And like so our kids, they never bring this up anymore because like it's so blatantly obvious just through travel, life is not fair.

1:28:01

And they feel actually a lot like a lot of gratitude that we have such.

A wonderful life.

I mean, one of the things they often say, because we do morning devotionals and there'll be questions and they're just like, oh, I'm so grateful.

I have such a blessed life.

Like we have an amazing life, but I also don't want to be misunderstood because we do practice fairness in our life as far as say like food is concerned or different things.

1:28:24

Like, you know, if we, if we make some food, we all try to make an effort to make sure everybody gets some.

We don't just then say, oh, too bad, life's not fair.

You missed out.

If someone feels missed out on the food, we feel bad or, and then, you know, people will share with them.

Oh, I still have some left here.

1:28:40

I have some of mine.

We treat each other that level of fairness.

Yeah, our.

Our kids are so good at.

That, and they're conscious of how.

Much well, because we really started teaching it early on because let's say you know, you got a teenage boy and and he goes over and he sees you.

1:28:56

You cooked a whole pot of food for the whole family.

He doesn't he doesn't think there's nine people that he is.

He walks over, he's like, bro, fill in my plate.

I'm honestly hungry.

And he takes the whole.

Thing.

And he's like just picking out right, because and it's not that he's bad or selfish, he just doesn't think.

1:29:16

And so we come over, you're so selfish.

What's wrong with you?

And he's like, it never crossed his mind as being selfish.

He's just hungry.

Mm hmm.

So you teach those principles and, and, and I would do that before.

And we have, we have retreats and we have big events.

And I always remind people, hey, remember everybody, there's a lot of food here, but there are 30 people.

1:29:32

So look at what's available and remember, like 30 people have to have this.

So you can't take 7 rolls because there's only 30.

Everyone gets one.

Yeah.

So you're just teaching these young men usually how to, how to like, Oh yeah, this has to be divided, you know, 30 ways or seven ways or whatever.

1:29:49

And that has happened a few times in our family where someone.

Ate all the stuff and then we, we bring it up enough not to shame or guilt, but just like, oh so and so missed out, mom missed out or the little one missed out because everyone ate it.

And that's enough that, you know, the next time around, people are, oh, let's make sure save this plate for mom or save this for the little girl or save this for dad.

1:30:12

And the way we modeled this, me specifically.

Is I would go last and very, very often in our life, there was nothing left for me and I didn't say a word.

I didn't complain.

I just went without or to grab something else.

1:30:29

And all of the kids notice like, wow, dad didn't get any and then they want to make sure anything that next.

Time you get some because they're.

Like dad didn't get some last time.

Even if I make the whole meal, I make the whole meal and then everyone eats and I'm like.

Oh, they're all there was in your life.

And some of the kids be like, oh, I got a couple bites left.

1:30:46

I'm like, great, I'll have that.

And I have a couple bites.

I'm like, Dang, that was delicious.

Great.

And they're sitting there thinking, man, he made it and he didn't even get any.

But I don't complain and don't guilt trip them.

Nothing.

Dads need to be able to serve more and need less, and we need to be able to lead the way.

1:31:02

So my kids, that's the other key with the fairness thing.

My kids have never heard us talk about unfairness, and in fact, they've always watched me carry more than my share and take less and take less.

Yep, I've always done.

More and needed.

1:31:17

Less and they've seen that their whole lives where I will grind and push and serve and suffer and sacrifice with a smile on my face, not a word of complaint.

So none of my kids will be like this is not fair.

Why do I have to carry more?

1:31:33

Because I don't think you've ever said that.

Never.

It's never.

Come out of my mouth.

Because, you know, I grew up when I was 1617, I was out on my own.

You're never going to hear me, like talking about I want more.

It's not fair.

Well, it was me.

So now, like we're out, we're out on hiking or something, and one of the participants is struggling.

1:31:55

My boys look over and like, hey, let me carry your pack too.

And I'll and I'll see my boys walk past smiling, laughing, joking, and they've got 3 packs on and they're just rocking it.

Yeah, and they're never like, it's not fair.

Why do I have to carry more?

Why?

Do I have to do more?

They're like hey, how?

1:32:11

How can I serve?

Who can I help here?

How can I do more and need less?

And so now my boys are at the back of the line like, no, I'll eat later, you guys eat all you want if there's some left or I'll grab something.

So lead by example, yes?

OK, good.

Next one seven physical.

1:32:26

Aggression, hitting or biting or violence.

This is another one of those that we hold a very firm line on, and I think the best way to do this is when they're small.

So when they were small, one, we don't hit that.

That's when it starts.

It's the biting and the hitting when they're little.

1:32:44

And when they did it with.

Firmness.

We just let them know that that was not acceptable.

We did not let it fly.

I see too many parents who their little kids will be hitting and they don't say or do anything about it.

They just think, oh, that's how kids are, super soft.

1:33:01

Like don't hit, don't bite, no.

When they're little and they're doing that, I let them.

Know they've.

Crossed a line and that's unacceptable.

And if necessary I will I will take them and hold them in a time out so that they know if they do that kind of thing there are going to be consequences.

1:33:18

And because we did it when they were small, they don't do it are none of our kids hit unless we're in the gym.

Doing Krav Maga.

Then they love to hit each other.

Then they hit each other.

But all of that's in.

Intentional fun.

Play, practice, training.

1:33:34

Yeah, So, so very.

Firmly in the.

Very beginning.

Like, hey, Nope, we do not do that.

Do not cross that.

Line.

And because we're so loving and gentle and affectionate all the time, when we're, when we, when I have to, when I speak like that with any of my kids, I'm like, don't you ever?

1:33:51

Don't you ever do that again.

That is unacceptable.

And they're like, holy crap, I just.

Crossed the line.

I'm not doing it and so it put a stop to it and it's done.

So we have 0 hitting, scratching, punching, biting.

There's no physical there.

1:34:07

There's no physical meanness at all.

Zero.

Now there will be plenty of wrestling and roughhousing.

So we.

Roughhoused a ton and I think I think that's an important element.

All of this I, I would, I would suggest there, there's few things that I would suggest like for all families, but I think every child should participate in some kind of martial art, some kind of physical outlet. 100% you should be roughhousing wrestling.

1:34:30

I'm doing martial arts and I think I think that's a good thing for our family too, is because we roughhouse and we wrestle a lot, so much.

But that's how you actually learn control.

There's a lot of research on it, on how it helps their brain.

Develop and they learn more about the world and social interaction and self regulation and and they learn.

1:34:47

About the movements of the body and and an accidental whap upside the head.

They realize and that really hurts.

And so they don't they don't think unconsciously I'm going to go slap my sibling and they're like, well, I got accidentally hit one time that rocked me.

I'm not doing that actually reduces some context the the.

1:35:05

Physical aggression.

So, kids.

Who aren't?

Getting who aren't getting a lot of the roughhousing are probably going to be more physically aggressive with their siblings.

Exactly.

But if you if you got a kid like hitting a boxing bag every day.

And going to jujitsu or Krav Maga or even gymnastics, maybe gymnastics, yeah, you, you have a physical.

1:35:21

Outlet.

So you're just getting that out.

You're moving.

Your body, it feels good.

You don't have this need to like Josh.

I just want to punch something.

It's like I went three times this week and punched until I was exhausted.

Like, I'm spin.

I don't need to hit anything.

Yeah.

And now if they if you do have older children.

1:35:38

Who haven't learned this younger on then I would definitely do some serious intervention on this.

Take the same approach with the name calling and insulting and say, I am sorry.

I should have never and I would do this, not in the moment.

1:35:55

I would, I would like do a special talk about it or discussion in this case.

Like this would be one of those things where I'd be like, I should have never allowed you to learn that that was OK.

I should have never done it.

You know, if you've done it in the past, it's not acceptable and I'm going to change it and there will be serious consequences.

1:36:13

If they're old enough, I would have them help you come up with the consequences. 100%.

That's what I was just thinking.

We need to have for this.

So when they're calm, when they're in a really.

Good state and you're talking about who you want to be and and they're.

Like, yeah, this is amazing.

If you learn how to ask good questions and have a good conversation, your kids, they get it.

1:36:29

And they themselves will say, yeah, I feel so bad for hitting my sibling and it makes me feel terrible.

I do not want to do that.

And so then you say, OK, what's what's going to be?

They come up with a consequence that maybe you think is fine.

I don't know, but for them maybe it's like I have to go weed the garden if I do, and that's something they hate and you're like, OK, great.

1:36:51

That can be your consequence or whatever.

Yeah, let them come up with something they really hate.

Or who knows what they come up with.

I mean, my mind's kind of running here.

It's like, buddy, if you used your right hand to hit your brother, I'm going to duct tape your hand to your body and they might think, oh, for the next 20. 4 hours for real It's like like legit I'm.

1:37:15

I'm dead serious.

I want you to remember, like you don't use your hands for that stuff.

And so I might do it.

Like you duck, take them up and they're like, whoa, how are we supposed to wipe?

I'm like, figure it out with a boy though.

Actually, it would be a consequence that they would.

1:37:31

Enjoy.

But not necessarily that that's a bad thing because they would say if it happened, they'd be like, OK, I'm going to take this and I'm going to think about it.

And now I'm going to take a shower and, well, I'm going to.

Duct tape it to their skin.

1:37:47

So when you tear it off, it's like, Oh yeah.

And they're like, gosh, because that whole time they're thinking and I should never use my hands for violence.

I should never use my hands for inappropriate, the misappropriate use of violence or for for hitting my siblings.

1:38:03

That's not cool.

Throw them in handcuffs again.

That's one of the things, Oh yeah, handcuffs would be a.

Great.

We actually.

Have handcuffs for training.

That would be a great thing.

But you help them help come up with ideas or at least list some options and be like OK, if you hit let's agree.

1:38:18

And you could even depending on the age and whatever, have a piece of paper where they sign it, you hang it up.

If I hit, I get in handcuffs or what, you know, whatever the things, whatever they come, take that clip and it's going to be.

Out of contest.

1:38:34

Not let them come up with something it's not cranky, Yeah.

It's not cruel and unusual punishment.

It's not weird stuff.

It's like we're we're natural consequences that they usually come up with joy in a way or they would opt in.

Less.

The the point is not punishment, the point is.

1:38:52

Correction, you're correcting the behavior and the point is that the lesson hits home.

So if they come up with something like, yeah, I'm, I'm driving home the lesson, you guys, this isn't weird.

I'm not chaining them up in the basement and not feeding them for 48 hours.

1:39:09

Like it's not weird stuff.

I'm not waterboarding my kids.

I'm emphasizing that you give options and.

You let them choose because one of your girls might be like, no, there's no way I'm going to be hand good.

But one of your boys like, yeah, that would be a good consequence for me.

So I would sit down with a daughter.

1:39:25

Maybe if she's hitting it's like.

Hey, this, this is absolutely unacceptable and it's not who you want to be.

You need to come up with a natural consequence and one that's this has to stop.

It needs to be painful enough to you.

Exactly.

It's a motivator.

You need to come up with a severe consequence that.

1:39:42

I mean it, it hits and and you come up with it, we'll sign a document and I'll help stick to it.

We're not doing this anymore.

And and you know, if, if the desire there is to change and they come up with something and then they hit, it's like we're falling through on that.

1:39:58

You, you said you'd miss out on this big thing.

You wanted to go to.

You had a big birthday party or something that was really important to you.

Like, hey, you crossed the line.

You've got to hold yourself accountable.

This is on you because this is unacceptable, right?

Because it is.

It's a big deal.

And that's another one of the things.

1:40:14

That will.

Totally change the culture of your family when you eliminate something like that.

Now I have to.

I'm laughing.

I'm laughing and I have to just.

Say this out loud because I want.

To clarify that when I said we have handcuffs for training, it's not for training our children.

1:40:30

We hold retreat events here that are, we call them asset trainings to help you become an asset to protect yourself and others, and it includes handcuffs.

I'm not giving more details because that destroys the training, but that's just what that's about.

1:40:46

At the risk of being misunderstood here.

And you think I am crazy?

I want to share something, if you don't already.

Yeah, you probably do, but this one's going to push.

Over the edge.

One of the things that's brought me so much of my success in life and going from where I was to where I am to where I'm going, and it's kept me out of so much trouble when trouble was everywhere.

1:41:12

I was surrounded by it, offered it all the time.

Is sex, drugs.

Yeah.

Violence.

Crime.

It was all there and offered.

Regularly.

I could have, I could have gotten into any garbage, I could have been deep in that for free and like, I could have been just an absolute mess.

1:41:29

But I, I got, the first thing I did is I got crystal clear about who I wanted to be and how I wanted to do life.

And so once I had that clarity, I was like, hey, well, this doesn't fit.

Like this behavior doesn't fit anywhere in my life.

This is how I've kept myself from addiction.

1:41:46

Any kind of addiction, screen addiction, porn addiction, drugs, alcohol, any kind of addiction cause addiction is this it, it's you become a slave.

It takes over your life and it wrecks your life.

So I'm like, I, I realized that early on, especially when I saw it, I'm like, I was, you know, as a teen, I was surrounded by people who lived in addiction and they were slaves to it.

1:42:06

It ruined their lives.

And I, I saw that everyday and I hated living in those rough, terrible neighborhoods and seeing people suffer.

And I'm like, I'm not staying here.

And, and somehow miraculously, I was able at 1617 to look around, be like, well, those guys are stuck here because of addiction.

1:42:23

I'm not doing addiction.

So what I did is I'm like, if, if there's something that's I'm very, very serious about, I'm going to set a consequence that is so severe, there's no way in the world I'm going there.

I wanted to hold myself accountable, nobody else, because I was out on my own.

1:42:41

So I didn't have parents that like you're going to be grounded for three months or you know.

You never get in your driver's license.

Or what, we're going to spank your butt or whip.

You're like, there was nobody there to punish me.

So that I said myself, so the only way I was going to stick to things if I held myself accountable.

1:43:00

And so I thought, well, man, if I pick like the most insanely severe consequence and I know I'm going to follow through, man, there's no way in the world I'm doing that.

So you know, this, this, I idea I have like right now, I, I want nothing at all, whatever to have anything to do with pornography in my life.

1:43:21

Pornography just destroys marriages.

It destroys men.

It's just, it destroys families.

It's so destructive, it's so terrible and it's so evil and it's it is fuelling the sex trafficking.

This happened around the world, even child sex trafficking.

It all those guys who are predators, it all started with porn addictions.

1:43:40

So I want nothing to do with any of that.

Not that you've had.

Nope.

I never had.

Yeah, but you?

Never worked with a lot of clients.

That who do?

And a lot of people do and and the reason they they stay in.

Bad habits and and often bad addictions is because there's too soft on themselves now, and I say that again, I understand here.

1:43:58

I don't want to be taken out of context because you know, they'll be mean to themselves, they'll beat themselves up, but that doesn't help.

Isn't it too soft?

And so this is for me, just just me.

This is where I'm at.

Like we had a a can of pepper spray and we took about one of our vehicles and Rachel brought and said on a desk and I'm like there, that's perfect.

1:44:20

If and and so it, it's this thing.

I just.

Disagreement I have.

Myself, if I ever looked at porn, I would legit eyelids wide open.

I would spray pepper spray in my own eyes.

I would find like bear spray, I get the the most potent.

1:44:36

It's not lethal.

It's not going to you know, it's not made me go blind.

It's not going to permanently injure me.

I would spray myself in the face with pepper spray.

I would do it.

You're not suggesting this.

For child.

Training.

No, not at.

All this has nothing to do with this episode.

1:44:52

This is just a tangent, but it's it's something and maybe not.

Even for.

I don't know, just you guys just listen.

This is for me.

This is how I operate.

I'm teaching a principle that I've used for myself.

How old ties in here is?

1:45:08

That because we're emphasizing so much the necessity for parents to change their way of being they're and we're talking about like holding firm lines with our kids with certain things never to that extreme like you just talked about and I wouldn't for clarity, I would never do that on my kids I'm.

1:45:27

Like my kids listen porn.

Come here, son, right in the face.

Like no, I would never do that right.

But what you're saying is that you.

As an individual who is on a path of growth, which is all parents, we should be, we have to come up with our own consequences to things so that it stops.

1:45:47

It's motivating enough that we stop behavior and that in your case, because you're a very tough person, that's something that would motivate you.

And it's true.

It's true for almost all of us.

There's there's something there, there's some leverage.

We think I just can't stop or I can't change that.

1:46:03

I I wanted to stop yelling at my kids.

I wanted to stop spanking.

I wanted to stop exploding, but I just keep doing it.

I'm like, that's because you yourself have not chosen a consequence is so severe.

You're done if you promised to spray bear spray in your.

Mouth If you yelled at your kids, you would not stop and then if you slipped up.

1:46:23

And and you're like, you guys, I made a commitment to myself.

I'm holding myself accountable.

I yelled at you, give me 20 minutes, OK, everything's OK.

But I got to go out and I got to implement this.

And you spray pepper spray in your mouth, even the tiniest bit, the tiniest drop you're going to have. 20 minutes of.

1:46:39

Misery.

That would be so intense.

I promise you that would probably be enough to make you stop yelling.

You're right.

People are probably like you guys.

Are weird and.

Crazy.

But obviously we've never actually done this.

It's true.

We haven't because we haven't.

1:46:54

Had to, yeah, exactly because I'm like.

Here's the thing, I.

Would follow through on that 100%.

I would follow through on that.

And because of that, I've never looked at porn, right?

Like I've no way.

The the.

And again, you have to use leverage.

1:47:11

Like people were like, well, I can't get out of bed.

What if somebody offered you $1,000,000?

Could you get out of bed at 5:00 AM everyday for the next year for 1,000,000 bucks?

Yeah, of course I could exactly.

If somebody had a, and this is morbid, but if somebody like had a gun and was like, look, your child is dead if you don't stop doing this, could you do it?

1:47:29

Of course you could.

You could do flipping anything.

You can walk across the country barefoot that you'd figure it out when there's leverage.

So that's the point.

Is like get enough leverage in your.

Life that you stop, Yeah.

And.

And that's the take away for people.

Is that we use leverage on ourselves.

1:47:48

We help our children find leverage for themselves Again, we're not using it against them because that doesn't work.

We we help them develop that skill of finding their own leverage right?

That's child abuse exactly.

We help them find their own motivation, their own consequences, because that's how you get better results.

1:48:07

Because if you continue to accept what is and what you've done and what you've been doing and you make excuses for it, you don't change.

And if you don't change, you don't grow.

And you can't get, you can't get the results you want and you can't create the life you want.

It does require effort and sacrifice and a little bit of crazy to create extraordinary.

1:48:26

It really does.

And so, yeah, I, I, that's an important point, especially as we talk about not only helping our children do some of these things, but most importantly helping ourselves Because as we talk through these things and you're like, well, I don't know how to ever stop yelling, or I don't know how to ever stop hitting my kids, or I don't know how to ever stop whatever.

1:48:47

Fill in the blank.

We're saying, yeah, you can find a way if you use enough leverage.

But most people aren't willing to do that.

They would rather live with the discomfort of their current existence, chronic and perpetually like they're just they keep their problem.

Right.

And nothing gets better because they don't change, so they're not.

1:49:03

Willing.

Maybe those of you listening, you need to increase the leverage a little bit towards like you hold yourself accountable.

You don't need anybody else to do it for you.

There's not enough police and military in the world to to keep everybody in check.

But you say, what are your temptations?

1:49:18

What are your problems?

What's holding your family back?

Put a little leverage there and stop.

And if you stop, you're showing your kids that it can be done.

Exactly so powerful OK #8 blaming each other these.

Are there?

We might have to stop because there's 10.

1:49:35

But blaming each?

Other it's his fault for us.

We we don't do blame.

We focus on ownership, individual responsibility, ownership.

So when we go into a situation where, you know, there's potential for blame, something happened, we go in and we simply say, and this, this might be one of the situations we could ask a question.

1:50:03

But it might be one of the things where we make statements of like, well, you did this to contribute and you did that to contribute.

And if I don't know, I might say, well, what did you do to contribute to it?

How did you make this situation worse?

Because every situation there, nobody's innocent.

1:50:19

Like there's very few innocent people.

Sometimes there is.

And even even if it were, you could still say, well.

How can you choose to respond because you're not a victim here?

We're in our family.

We're very adamant about this.

We teach at all times, like there's no victimism.

You're not playing the victim.

And even if somebody does something to you, you still get to choose how you respond.

1:50:37

So let's just take.

And that's true for everything in life, even trauma, tragedy.

Even if you are actually a victim, ultimately you have the ability to choose how to restructure that in your mind and how you're going to use it for your benefit throughout your life as opposed to being an an endless victim to it.

1:50:58

So powerful.

Love it.

Yeah, just.

And again, but but if you're if they hear you blaming all the time, making excuses, blaming circumstances, blaming other people, they're going to they're going to jump right on board.

Yeah, but so if we teach them to take responsibility, even if they're. 1% guilty, right?

1:51:14

They've made a small contribution.

We're like, OK, well that's the 1% or you could do better next time.

And you still got to choose, because nobody can make you feel anything.

Right.

OK, jealousy and competition and in something like.

This I often feel the underlying cause is some type of attachment issue perhaps where especially if there's competition for the parents or competition for things in the family or attention, it's often because those needs aren't being met.

1:51:45

But if those needs are met, then they feel secure.

Yeah, they need to.

There's not need to goes.

Away.

It's like I don't.

Have to be jealous.

Or competitive because my parents give me all the attention I want I have a sense of significance yeah, I do my thing and I and I do it well and and my parents and I get recognized for it and I don't have to be like my sibling because.

1:52:05

That's fine.

Like he plays the guitar and I sing and and the other one.

You know, is is phenomenal at this, this other thing that they do, whatever all the different skills or talents, like we're good.

I mean, I'm honestly racking my brain here and I can't.

Think of an example of when our children have been jealous or competitive, mostly because you and I started studying human needs early on.

1:52:27

Really early on and we we, we wanted to make sure that our kids all had those things addressed so they each get lots of individual attention.

They each get recognized for what they're doing well and within this I just want.

To add this, if, if they feel even the little bit, even a little bit that they're not getting enough attention, we automatically immediately almost start giving them more attention to resolve that.

1:52:54

So if they say something like, oh, well, you're not listening to me or but you didn't spend time with me, I'm like, oh, OK, let me do that.

Let me rectify that now.

So we don't allow it to grow when to fester and to build.

We're addressing it right away so that it's not something that continues on because I think then that becomes the foundation of feeling competitive or feeling jealous It's and most of that's born of some kind of insecurity they're.

1:53:22

Feeling insecure and something they're not feeling like they're seen, heard, appreciated, validated.

Something's missing there.

Where if they feel like that's all, all those needs are met, then it literally eliminates the need for competition and jealousy, right?

1:53:40

OK, last one, kids.

Ganging up on another sibling?

Wow, I so I was.

When we first.

Got married, I was working, I was teaching in a private institution in conjunction with public schools and, and I've been working with youth for a long since I was youth, honestly.

1:54:04

And I saw that all the time.

I saw, I saw kids ganging up on others and mocking others.

It was usually a few against one where the mockery, the, the hazing, the bullying.

And man, I have just disdained and despise that kind of behavior since I was a little kid.

1:54:22

Oh, it's just that one gets me.

And so we start teaching it to our kids immediately.

And it was, it was in the whole name calling thing, the mocking, the sarcasm, like we don't do that at all.

And if you ever see people gang up to mock somebody else or tease somebody else, like I want you to step in and stop that and and help the one right, like run to the one who's being picked on.

1:54:45

He's being mocked.

Don't don't you ever dare participate.

And don't you just stand back and let it happen.

Like we don't we don't play that game right?

So this is another absolute cowardice.

This is another.

Hard boundary.

And as a result we we haven't.

Had this as an issue because our children have been taught by not name calling, not insulting, not being aggressive, the no picking on, no teasing right we treat.

1:55:10

Everyone in the family with.

Respect with love, with kindness and so there's no ganging up on anybody in fact, every one of them is going to go out of their way to stand up for their sibling to make sure that they feel loved and validated and are given.

1:55:29

They do it for other they do it for other people too.

They do it for other people when we.

When we see and teach and.

Model the value.

Of our shared humanity and to stand up for the little guy and, and the underdog and people are being picked on and mocked and abused and, and when you see, you know, the media or the world, you know, attacking.

1:55:47

So he's like, hey, wait, no, we need to step in and do something about this and protect people in our family.

We're protectors, we're warriors.

We're going to fight to protect women and children and people who can't protect themselves.

And so if this is this a situation.

Or an issue in your family.

1:56:03

I would do something similar to the hitting and aggression aggression by having a meeting about it, discussing consequences, talking about how, you know, apologizing for not teaching the sooner for contributing to this and just saying, you know, moving forward, there's going to be real consequences about this.

1:56:24

We're going to stick to this because that's another one of those hard boundaries that's going to make a huge difference in the culture of your family.

And when we can have a few of those, right?

And I hope you're seeing that as we talked through these are.

Some of these were.

Like, no, this is a hard boundary, but we're emphasizing them because they make a big difference for the rest of them.

1:56:44

And some of them, yeah, they're going to happen.

It's going to come up.

They're going to be the squabbles and things in there.

You address them in the moment.

It doesn't have to be a huge deal.

You role model you, you give them examples of how to do it.

But on some of these things, like, no, this does not happen.

1:57:01

It's not acceptable.

And when you hold that standard and model that standard, the whole dynamic in the family just shifts.

And it's so much easier to have peace and connection and warmth and love and joy because essentially it's built on a foundation of mutual love and respect.

1:57:20

Yeah.

So if this were happening my family, I would.

Spend some time thinking about it, coming up with stories and examples.

And then I would teach it to the whole family in in a way that they got it like they felt.

Go powerfully.

Yeah, some.

1:57:36

There's some.

Great movies.

Out there and great books, great stories.

So I'm going to come up with stories and quotes and examples that they all can relate to that each child would be like, yeah, my hero would never do that.

Or I don't know who's your favorite character in your books or your movies that have every one of them pick one and like, would they do this?

1:57:53

Like, no, no, they would.

They would do the opposite.

They'd stand up.

For them, they.

'D fight for them like that's amazing.

That's what needs to happen to our family.

That's the caliber of people we're going to be.

We don't do that crap now.

It's been happening to our family, so it needs to stop.

Let's come up with a consequence and just off the top of my head here, a fun consequence for everybody would be just buy a can of super hot Peppers and any kid who does that gets in participate in that.

1:58:18

They have to take a bite of it.

And so everyone's around and, and, like, cheering them on, right.

So it's not like this horrible thing.

You're not putting the scarlet letter on your kid.

And, you know, Ben, just like, hey, you did it and and we all agreed.

So better take a pepper.

Yeah, and it's, you know, again, it's not harmful, not permanently damage anybody, but there's a a really intense consequence.

1:58:40

And all you're doing with the consequences just it's a reminder.

Yeah.

You're just like, oh, yeah.

I don't wanna be like that.

I slipped up.

Wow, This is crazy hot.

Like making me cry.

I'm sweating.

My tongue is on fire.

Golly.

I'm gonna think next time before I go say something mean or mocking or tearing down one of my siblings.

1:58:58

Yeah.

So again.

But they have to opt in.

They have to choose.

Mm.

Hmm, it's almost like it, as weird as it sounds.

A fun consequence, right?

But the lesson comes across right?

Exactly because that is possible.

It's possible to have fun.

Consequences that are impactful enough that they cement the message of it.

1:59:17

OK, great.

So I think that's it for now.

We are going to continue to be talking about parenting and get as detailed as possible.

And if you want to get our free guide on raising seven well adjusted kids, you can get that in the show notes.

1:59:34

There's a link to that.

It's a six step guide and every one of your parents should get in the.

Extraordinary parent mentoring method into the absolutely world class correct cohort because we're going to.

Have it by cohorts.

According to ages of.

Children so that we can more specifically address the challenges of so like in this scenario we would talk specifically about your different age groups and be like OK this is how you handle it with five year old a six year old A7 year old so that it's even more specific tailored information and content and resources and and just so you guys know listening like Rachel and I our.

2:00:09

Goal is to make the best parenting course out there, period.

And it's we have the results to back it up.

We have a big family.

So a lot of other, you know, parenting coaches have one or two kids or whatever, or they have, you know, mediocre results or who knows whatever.

2:00:26

But we have a big family.

We've done home education.

We've lived a very different lifestyle and which is afforded us tons of insight experience to many thousands of families across cultures and religions.

We're bringing all and we've read thousands of books.

2:00:41

Yeah.

And it proves that the strategies that we.

Use don't just work because we live in one house and never go anywhere and never interact with that because we're lucky or got, you know, the lottery on kids.

We've had to.

Use it around the globe in 60 countries and it works because.