July 9, 2025

4 Brutally Honest Reasons Your Husband Doesn’t Want Sex

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Low labido is often misunderstood as a purely physical issue, but in reality, it's deeply tied to emotional and relational dynamics in marriage. In this honest episode, we explore how habits like porn, emotional withdrawal, criticism, or poor self-care can destroy intimacy. You’ll learn how to recognize the signs, take personal ownership, and begin rebuilding connection. Whether you’re navigating low desire, rejection, or confusion, this conversation will help you approach your marriage with clarity, grace, and hope.

Is your husband avoiding intimacy... and you don't know why?

In this raw and unfiltered conversation, we unpack four brutally honest reasons your husband may not want sex — and what it means for your marriage.

Many wives silently wonder: "Why doesn't my husband want me anymore?" Whether you're emotionally connected (or not) but sexually distant, it can feel devastating.

But the truth is, low libido in men is rarely just about sex. Often, it’s a symptom of deeper issues—and understanding those issues is the first step toward rebuilding connection and passion.

We discuss:

How processed food is reducing libido in men and women

How porn addiction secretly destroys sexual desire in marriage and creates SAD (sexual arousal dysfunction)
Why adultery (emotional or physical) leads to disconnection
The painful truth about emotional rejection and nagging
What you may unknowingly be doing to repel your husband sexually
Why physical, emotional, and attitudinal attractiveness matter in marriage
How to reignite mutual desire through sacrifice, growth, and emotional maturity

This is not a blame game—it's a wake-up call. In this episode, we share tools, examples from our own life and our coaching clients, and real solutions to reignite sexual connection and strengthen your marriage.

Sex in marriage isn’t just about pleasure—it’s about bonding, trust, and emotional safety. If you’re ready to heal what’s been broken, this episode is your starting point.

Key Takeaways:

✅ Porn and hidden behavior destroy trust and attraction

✅ Adultery (emotional or physical) often hides in plain sight

✅ Attraction isn’t just physical—emotional and mental habits matter

✅ Nagging, emotional drama, or a messy mindset can kill desire

✅ You can change your patterns and reignite connection—starting today

Chapters:

00:00 The Holistic Nature of Parenting Includes Parents' Sexual Relationship

05:31 Understanding Men's Low Sex Drive

10:14 Health and Its Impact on Intimacy

24:45 The Role of Pornography in Relationships

32:35 Adultery and Its Consequences

33:03 The Hidden Affairs: Emotional and Physical Distance in Relationships

34:50 The Importance of Sexual Connection in Marriage

38:25 Understanding Male Sexual Drive and Its Implications

41:35 The Moral Responsibility of Intimacy in Marriage

44:55 Attractiveness and Its Role in Marital Dynamics

51:22 The Conditions of Love and Attraction

55:57 Working with Reality: The Path to Improvement

More Episodes About Sex:

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0:00

Sex is critical to marriage.

Marriage is primarily a sexual contract.

If anything is often me, it's going to have an effect on the other things I do.

It affects us as individuals in the way that we parent.

This is going to sound like crazy conspiracy theory.

The health of your spouse is contributing to a low or no sex drive.

0:19

It's it's called sad sexual arousal dysfunction.

Hey there.

This is Greg Denning.

We want to reach as many people as possible and help as many families as possible with these conversations and we want to keep this podcast ad free forever.

0:35

You can help us do that by subscribing on Spotify or Apple podcasts or wherever you listen your favorite platform and on YouTube and leave a quick review and and share your favorite episodes with friends and family.

It makes a big difference.

Thank you for being a part of this very important movement.

0:51

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast for your host, Greg and Rachel Denning.

Today we got an awesome question about a very important topic that is becoming a big, big problem in society.

Bigger problem every day, every year practically and you know we we try to focus on parenting as much as possible in these episodes.

1:17

But when we talk about a a topic that we're going to discuss today, not only is it because it's important to family life in general, but it's, it is also very important to parenting.

I think one of the things that I would love to emphasize even more to parents, especially in the sometimes very confusing world that we live in, is that everything is holistic.

1:40

Like you cannot escape from the consequences and the impact of every other area in your life on your parenting.

It's all interconnected.

And so that's why we talked about sex as a couple, because that is related to your parenting.

1:56

That's why we talked about the marriage relationship.

That's why we talked about, you know, we even talked about business and and finances and different things because it's all interconnected.

It all affects the family.

Exactly.

It all affects the family.

It all affects your parenting.

And so is today, today, as we talked about this topic, we want you to keep that in mind that this is directly connected not only to of course, the health and well-being of your marriage, but the health and well-being of your marriage and your sex life is directly connected to your parenting.

2:28

And I think what before, sorry, let me just finish this thought.

I think we've all, we have all experienced that on some level where when, what it, when it's off between us as a couple.

This is one of the reasons why divorce is so damaging to children.

2:45

Divorce, like the statistics, the research now is showing how devastatingly traumatic divorce is on children.

And one of the reasons is because when parents are not connected, when they're not united, when they're not unified, that just has a devastating impact on how we parent.

3:07

So it affects us as individuals in the way that we parent.

And you and I have both experienced that when we are united, when we are bound together, we are better parents, individually and together.

We're better at everything.

3:22

Exactly.

We're better at everything, but especially as it impacts children and their ultimate well-being.

They are better off when our relationship is whole and connected and united.

Yeah, I don't know how to emphasize this enough.

3:38

And I hope everyone listening can can think about it for a little bit and say, OK, that makes sense.

Like if anything is often me, it's going to have an effect on the other things I do.

A lot of people we, we want to not believe that.

We want to tell ourselves stories like, no, it's unrelated, Keep it separate.

I can totally keep this separate.

3:53

I can show up over here and do really well and not have this affect me, but but it's just not true because it's taking up space in your mind, it's using up mental bandwidth and resources.

It's creating whatever feelings it creates.

4:09

There's across the board with.

Every triggers that then make it easier for you to get less patient children.

Or more frustrated, or you just have this ongoing irritation, frustration, fear, anxiety, worry, depression, whatever discouragement and shame, it's all just operating back in there.

4:24

And so it's, it's coming out in subconscious and unconscious ways, or even just deliberately conscious ways.

But 100%, ladies and gentlemen, what's happening in your head and in your heart is coming out in your life and in your body.

Exactly.

4:40

So it's, it's affecting what you're doing.

And you can tell yourself stories all day and say, no, it's not affecting me.

Look at look at how well I'm doing over here.

I'm just crushing it.

So it's not affecting me.

No way.

It is it everything effects everything.

4:56

You are a very complex being.

Yes.

And so we did an episode 2 or 3 episodes ago where we talked about the effect of sexual deprivation and or porn use and how it is affecting dads, like how they're grumpier and they're less patient and all of these things because of those issues.

5:18

And so we we discussed that and then I sent out an e-mail to my list talking about that or, or linking to that episode, but also linking to all the other episodes that we have done on sex and marriage and things like that.

And so today's topic comes from that because a mother responded and said you should consider doing an episode about men who don't want quote UN quote it.

5:44

Now, she's probably doing that because when I sent out this episode on sex, I put a little asterisk in there, you know, in between the SEX, the E was an asterisk because you have to do that in emails or my emails won't be delivered to people, right?

They'd go to the spam folder.

6:01

And so I don't know if she thought because of that she wants to not name it, but she did that the whole time.

It they don't want it or have a low drive, it's not always the woman and meaning it's not always the woman that doesn't want sex.

6:16

And not enough light is shed on when men are the ones not wanting it.

So a very important topic, very relevant to some people, not necessarily all, but like.

You.

Hinted it it's a growing number of men that this is occurring to and that's what we're going to talk about today.

6:38

But as we answer this question, at least, I think we're probably going to address at least four different reasons that contribute to why men would not want sex.

Now, I think we all are potentially aware, maybe not all of us, that generally, and again, we're speaking in generalities because if you look at like a some sort of chart or whatever, it's going to be generally true for most people.

7:02

Most men want sex more than most women and.

Although there there are a significant amount of marriages where the woman has a higher sex drive, but what we're going to get into today.

Is why that would.

7:18

Be yeah, is there's always almost always some factor behind that.

And you're like, OK, we need, you know, as, as sex researchers, they'll they'll look into it and just say no, no, it's kind of divided.

You know, one partner has a higher drive than the other and lower drive, but they're just looking at the therapy side of it.

7:35

When you dig into the Physiology side of it, yeah, there's there's always almost some factor there of why men have a lower drive.

Yeah.

And so, so in generalities, it's generally because Greg and I believe that intimacy is like a circle, but with two halves and 1/2 of that circle is sex.

7:57

It's the physical act of sex.

The other half of that circle is what I call emotional intimacy.

And that's the need for talking and discussing and, and having deep, meaningful conversation.

And generally, at least from our experience, women are the ones that drive the emotional side of it and men are the ones that drive the physical side.

8:18

And I think that that's a good thing.

I think that's a healthy thing.

And when we have that in balance, it's beautiful because it keeps us continuing that circle of connection through intimacy, emotional and physical intimacy.

So, you know, in that case, if, if the man is not driving the physical side, and again, it can also be switched and that's fine.

8:42

But if one partner is not driving the physical intimacy, then it falls on the shoulders of the other partner to be in charge of not only the end, the emotional mental intimacy, but also the physical intimacy.

And that's when intimacy really starts to break down.

8:58

Because I, I feel that it takes 2 like if it was all on me to do it all the, the physical and the emotional and the mental, like I would feel like that was too much where I'm like, are you going to contribute here?

Are you going to be a part of this circle?

9:14

Right?

Like do your job type thing That that's how I personally would feel.

And I think many people probably do feel that if one partner is not, especially if the physical aspect is missing and they're not, they're not like picking up and being like, oh, I'll be in charge of the emotional intimacy part.

9:34

It's almost like they're not engaged in the circle of intimacy at all.

It's usually what's usually what's happening in a scenario like that.

And this, I mean, it's kind of obvious what we're saying is like this, this relationship, the intimate relationship, a marriage relationship is, is unique from every other relationship and has this element of it that you don't have with anyone else or shouldn't have with anyone else like this.

9:59

So you take all these other relationships that the depth of intimacy.

Depth of emotional mental intimacy should be unique in America.

And the sexual relationship and of.

Course, the sex itself should be constrained to that right that relationship.

10:14

And it should be awesome and it should be fully developed, but there's there's a lot of challenges, a lot of problems.

So we're going to talk about four main reasons why a man or any partner in the relationship is not interested specifically in sex, but as it connects to I think all parts of intimacy in the relationship.

10:36

The first one, I think we're going to start with again, these aren't in any particular order, but I would say the first actually should I enamel 4 and then we'll go through them well.

There might be more than 4.

Yes, but I'm, we're going to start with the four.

So I'm going to say one reason is health, Simply the health of your spouse is contributing to a low or no sex drive, and that's related to food, exercise.

11:02

Nowadays, of course, it's like endocrine disruptors which affect men, not just women, all of the microplastics we have.

So it's like a very big picture.

That's obesity that is contributing to it.

The other factor is porn, of course, that is going to definitely contribute to why a man is not does not have a high sex drive at least towards you, his spouse.

11:28

The third is going to be a fair, which in a way is connected, I think to porn, but not necessarily always because fortunately, yeah, adultery.

Unfortunately, often times when a man is not interested in you as his spouse, it's because his sex drive is being driven somewhere else, which is connected to the porn as well.

11:49

Adultery.

And then the last one would simply be and again, these are these can be painful, but we're here to bring pain because where there's pain, there's power and there's power to change and create, create transformation.

But it starts by identifying the pain.

And the 4th 1 is very often that he's simply no longer attracted to you because of your own health issues or your own obesity.

12:10

Or maybe you've just don't have, don't care about how you look anymore.

You don't, you don't make an effort to be sexy or attractive or, or take care of yourself or work out or eat well.

So it's your own health there.

So those are the four main issues.

12:26

And again, we may touch on others along the way, but those are the four main that we're going to address.

Great, love it.

So first one Health.

Health there has been, and this is going to sound like crazy conspiracy theory, like, come on, that's too much.

But there has been a concerted effort for the last 40 years to make people grossly unhealthy.

12:47

The the food that's out there available now, it's like they're just putting food that literally kills your cells, kills testosterone levels.

And there were major companies and major producers that they wanted that outcome.

They wanted to feed men food that would kill their testosterone.

13:07

Well, there's a couple of things that really made this hit home for me.

One was for years Greg and I have talked about bread and circuses.

And, you know, if you study history, you understand the concept of bread and circuses was essentially A tactic, a strategy that many empires have used, including Rome, to placate the masses, to placate the people.

13:29

And it what it means is that they use food and entertainment to keep people docile, docile and we.

And so during the Roman Empire, they would give them bread and they would have the circuses or the, you know, the entertainment.

13:44

They had the the arenas like the Colosseum with the gladiators.

Doing like that was the strategy of keeping the people placated.

So the, the entertainment piece makes sense, right?

You just entertain people that they're like, yeah, they're so docile, they're so distracted.

They just love entertainment.

14:00

Make it cheap, cheap entertainment.

There's no inspiration, there's no drive, there's no message.

Just simple entertainment.

The food side people don't understand unless they get into Physiology is like, OK, feed them.

So what?

Like how's, how's that making them weak by giving them food where they're giving them simple food, simple carbohydrates.

14:16

This is what really shocked me when I learned this, because not only is it just the the idea of food and bread and circuses, food and entertainment, but it was the type of food like you're hinting at here.

It's bread and it's intentionally bread because bread was given to the slaves.

14:35

It was given to the plebeians, the the peasants, because meat was reserved for the elite.

Meat was reserved for the high class because made them stronger.

It makes humans stronger.

And so when it they didn't give meat to the slaves or to the peasants, because then it would give them more strength to be able to rise up against, right?

14:59

Elite and revolt and fight back and have power.

They're like, we want them to be weak, so give them simple carbohydrates.

And when I got that, I was like, my gosh, this is this is crazy, this is insane.

It literally is a thing.

Bread and circuses is the carbohydrate part is very significant.

15:15

Well, in today's society, even something as simple as the food pyramid, which is now been shown to be a scam, that eating primarily carbohydrates as the basis of the food pyramid is so unhealthy.

15:31

It is the thing that is leading to all of the chronic preventable diseases that we are dealing with, especially in America and the West.

And that's a real problem.

And so the other piece here is that when I learned that in the late 1800s, nineteen hundreds, Kellogg and Graham, they were 7th Day Adventists and they were very interested in reducing the sexual drive of men because they thought it was wicked and they thought it was evil.

16:01

And so they invented foods that were proven to reduce testosterone in men so that men would have a lower sex drive.

That's where we get Kellogg's cereal like cornflakes and Graham crackers.

And and now that they're huge, huge.

16:16

Businesses, of course, tons and tons of different foods, but it was those carbohydrate foods that were intended to reduce sex drive in men and they introduced them and created those foods for that very reason.

16:32

So when you think about it that way in the context of Brendan Circuses and like the 7th Day Adventists that want to reduce sex drives, that is what is happening on a mass scale.

So many people out there are living on diets of cold cereal and crackers and cookies and and Oreos and like all of these carbohydrate foods and it is directly connected to the reduction of testosterone in men.

17:00

Like you can Google this anywhere.

You can Google everything I just said.

But if you Google testosterone levels in men nowadays, we men have four times less testosterone than their grandfathers or great grandfathers did.

Men's testosterone levels are so low.

17:18

Plummeting and so people keep lowering the oh, this is norm, Oh, this is the norm.

Oh, this is the norm.

So you're in normal levels, normal levels like whoa, you're in normal levels for a very sick society.

You're not anywhere near normal levels for a healthy society.

And so if you if you want your if you want to be strong and you want your family to be strong and fit, feed them proteins and fats.

17:43

If you want your family to be weak, if you want small brains and small bodies, live on simple carbohydrates, rice, bread, chips and crackers.

Vegan and.

Vegetarian diets essentially because most vegan diets at this point, in fact I I I believe a vegan diet is a conspiracy actually, that it is part of the bread and circuses because many vegan diets are essentially processed foods basically.

18:12

And just empty vegetables that the body really can't get the bioavailable nutrition.

Right, so that is the first aspect of #1 which is the food.

But then also connected with that, of course, is just like exercise.

18:28

Well, because the food part is contributing to obesity, it's contributing to heart contributing or causing obesity, heart disease, cancer, Alzheimer's.

Diabetes.

Diabetes, like pretty much every chronic disease out there, is contributed or caused by diet.

18:51

And so that piece of course, is big.

It's a big deal.

So fixing that or getting that right or improving that is going to make a huge difference in a man or a woman's.

Absolutely.

So libido drops as with with the diet.

Now here's what's fascinating.

19:07

They found that the in the research like if you if you get really unhealthy, then the offspring of so they did it with like cats and dogs and they fed them these grain diets well.

They fed them cat food and dog.

Food, yeah.

And then they did.

Each generation got weaker and weaker and sicker and sicker and their immune system, they just became more weak.

19:30

And, and what's the word?

This is like they were just frail.

And so then they change and, and, but think about that just makes sense.

So now if for three generations, people who's been eating garbage well, and it makes sense, right?

If, if I, if I am physiologically in a bad state and we procreate, I'm, I'm giving what I currently have.

19:52

And so even my sperm cells and what's written in that code is, is weak and sick.

And I pass that on.

And so my kids inherit that and they eat, they grow up eating that and then they pass it on.

And so it generationally it's getting worse.

Look around, look at our society.

20:08

Look what's happening.

It is insane and it's so sick.

And so it's getting worse.

So then you reverse that, you're back on fantastic food and and good exercise and lots of sunlight and air and healthy things and getting all the chemicals out of our lives.

20:26

Well.

Getting more chemicals out of our lives because even you and I know it's, it's practically impossible to get them all out.

Like if you go anywhere, you're exposed to perfumes and colognes and all kinds of chemicals.

As you're talking about this though, I thought it made me think of my brother because my brother, he had a dog and this dog was literally about to die.

20:50

Like it was so, so sick.

They took it to the vet.

They were going to just put it down because it was so sick, so weak.

It had all of these problems, like everybody system was failing pretty much.

And my brother told me the story where he, he just thought this dog's going to die.

21:07

I, I don't know, I'm going to just try feeding it real food.

So he started feeding it meat because of course they've been giving it dog food, which is garbage.

And he's like, it was amazing, this talk, like totally recovered.

21:24

It's fine now.

It doesn't.

It has no problems.

And The funny thing to me though, is that even as he was telling me this, I felt like he didn't make the connection for everyday life for most people.

And I was like, yes, exactly.

21:41

This is what we're doing to ourselves.

We are living on diets of processed food and then wondering why we have all these problems.

So we're, we're starved, but with full bellies.

So we have full bellies, but we're not getting nutrition.

There's a very, very big difference.

21:58

So eating for fuel or just eating for to full your to fill yourself very, very different.

And so we've got to clean up our diet.

So, you know, just to make this very clear, the more seed oils, processed foods, chemical foods, fast food, junk food, sugars, libido just drops.

22:20

Boom, sex drives just drops.

So if you're eating all that garbage, it's going to go down.

On top of the fact that all of the disease and the obesity is also killing.

So yeah, if you got heart problems, your heart also work.

Your heart is not working very well.

Energy if you're obese.

As obesity increases, libido drops, all of these energy levels, energy levels drops.

22:39

And so you're like, yeah, you know, you know, it would be nice, but I just feel like crap.

And and it happens to your brain too, as as obesity goes up, the brain shrinks.

As, you know, your brain on simple carbohydrates and high glucose.

It just wrecks.

It wrecks your brain.

Yeah, alcohol wrecks your brain.

22:55

So if you're eating tons of junk food and not exercising, women, men need exercise.

Hard tense.

Exercise number one is that there has to be extra exercise because exercise increases cases, hormones and testosterone in men, especially lifting weights and things.

23:12

Like that and muscle mass men need well, men and women, right men and women need more muscle mass it's.

Critical to healthy hormones and so the less muscle mass we have, the less healthy hormone, the the the unhealthier our hormones are, which of course contributes not only to the lower sex drive, but to overall lower energy and on Wellness.

23:34

So then as we age, those things naturally decrease a little.

Libido and sex drive decrease a little bit.

But now you combine a very unhealthy lifestyle with aging and you get a guy in his 40s who's just like done 50s done 60s way done.

23:50

And it's like, Nah, nothing there, right?

And it's just because they're not healthy.

And I, I will add this to stress.

So mental management matters as well and emotional management, because if you're not managing those, you, you're creating chemicals in your body.

So if you're high stress a lot, or even if you're just entertained, you're entertaining yourself to death, that becomes an addiction.

24:12

So you're so addicted to entertainment, you're you're not even like driven for sex anymore.

It's like your wife's super hot and you're like, I think I'll just watch my phone or the game or whatever.

I'm going to be connected to the net #2 within porn as well, Should we?

24:29

Yeah, let's go there.

So the second one is porn like you were already touching on one of the.

Ways I'm sorry, hold on, I just want one more thing.

So if you're in that spot and you're like, that's probably the health, go get a blood panel done and have all the research done.

So somebody who's competent looks at all of a sudden look, this is what you're missing is vitamins deficiencies, whatever testosterone levels get that measured.

24:52

And do not get on the testosterone shot.

Yes.

Do not.

They're trying to sell that thing because you're dependent on it for the rest of your life.

If you're taking the injections, they love that.

They're like, oh, no, no, I'm going to recommend this because this will really help.

And yeah, it helps.

But then you're yeah, then every couple weeks for the rest of your life, you're buying this crap and no, man, and then.

25:11

Actually increase your levels, both of the things we're talking about, exercise and more protein.

Yep.

And I have, I have very specific, Yep, I have very specific protocols for this, for increasing your testosterone naturally.

That's what I teach the guys in my tribe.

Oh yeah, that's what I want to hit on that.

So now porn.

So porn and, and as you mentioned before with the, the, the addictions, the dopamine, like you can you increase your dopamine baseline by continuing to entertain yourself or be exposed to things that give you dopamine hits, which include not only scrolling on say Instagram or something like as simple as that.

25:47

But then of course looking at porn.

Looking at porn is very dopaminergic, gives you high dopamine spikes.

Massive.

And it literally begins to rewire your brain to the point that normal everyday life or normal everyday sex is no longer exciting.

26:07

You recently had a woman on the Formidable Family Man podcast who is a neuro.

She's a cognitive neuroscientist.

And a porn expert.

And she told a story about a young man who was in his 20s and had never had sex.

26:23

He'd never been with a woman, but he was addicted to porn.

And when he had the opportunity to be with a woman, he said she was naked.

He couldn't even get an erection.

He couldn't even get an erection because he called it.

26:39

It was just vanilla.

It was vanilla sex.

It was so boring that she was just naked and that was it.

He couldn't even get an erection.

So when you realize that that's the kind of effect that porn can have, you begin to understand how devastating this can be to a regular, especially, I mean all sexual relationships, but especially to a marriage relationship, it becomes very damaging.

27:04

So if your husband is addicted to porn, he can't have sex with you.

Literally almost cannot get it up.

It's causing massive erectile dysfunction, which is becoming a very, very big problem, a growing problem even for younger and younger men.

27:19

It used to be that was like when you're, you know, hitting eighty and oh boy, this is struggling.

And so they'd have something.

Now it's happening across the board, 20s, thirties, 40s and erectile dysfunction.

A lot of us, the core is porn.

But now she says it's It's called sad sexual arousal dysfunction.

27:40

So what is supposed to arouse a man?

No longer?

Does like a naked a normal naked woman, right?

So in your presence you have a normal healthy sexual relationship with your wife.

But if porn is involved then it screws that up.

27:55

So now you have sad sexual arousal dysfunction.

So now you have a chance to have sex and it doesn't do anything for you.

Most men can't articulate that.

They may not be able to make the connection.

Or if they know they, they might say, well, you know, porn is more exciting than my wife.

28:11

And so now you have a guy's like and a wife, a poor wife's like.

Why is he not interested in his ex anymore?

Well, it's because his dopamine levels are totally messed up and he may potentially have erectile dysfunction, which he's not going to tell you, or sexual arousal dysfunction, which he's probably not gonna tell you or recognize.

28:27

He's like, what's wrong?

And he's gonna come with like, stories, right?

Who knows what's going on in his head?

You have to talk to him like, what's happening?

He's like, well, it just doesn't do it for him anymore, right?

Because he's so addicted to this exotic porn, which it now gets worse and worse, it becomes violent.

28:43

So violent porn is now the big thing or child abuse sex porn is the, is the, those big things And, and that that's just the normal course of those kind of things.

It's just like a drug.

It, it has to get stronger, worse, more extreme in order to, because because of sexual arousal dysfunction.

29:01

So you look at porn the first time, it's like this amazing sex.

And I was OK after several times you're like, well, that doesn't turn me on anymore.

So you need something more extreme and you get you work your mind, it's just dopamine.

It's just pure Physiology or dopamine levels.

You get so far into this then yeah, I.

29:18

Mean it's the same and we all get this with like a drug addict or an alcoholic, like over time, the original, you know, it starts with marijuana or something, but then that's no longer sufficient to give you the high that you were after.

You have to go to the stronger and harder drugs on, you know, and unfortunately you keep pursuing that until death, as in the case of your brother.

29:39

But that's what happens.

This the the vanilla drugs are no longer good enough for you to be able to enjoy the same type of high.

And that's what's happening with porn in a marriage relationship.

The other disturbing factor that this woman shared in your podcast episode, which I highly recommend if porn is an issue, definitely be listening to that episode, she said.

30:04

Which was shocking to me because you have always said 75% of good men, these are like church going men are looking at porn.

She said 95% of men between ages 8 and 80 are looking at porns. 88 I think is it 8 and 88 is that was over.

30:27

It was over 90% of men between and boys between 8 and 88 are looking at porn, are consuming porn.

Yes.

And and we, I mean, at least with your experience in working with clients, there is a very large percentage of them that are looking at porn.

30:44

And we have heard stories of even men who are in their 70s or 80s and who are still parents and they're looking at porn of young girls.

You know that like this, this is happening.

It is real, it is devastating, but to think that it's not happening is very naive, unfortunately, and so we have to be aware of it.

31:06

You do not look at porn, which I'm very grateful for, and you are very deliberate about talking to our boys about that.

And so they are not intentionally looking at porn.

Porn can accidentally be seen by any of us at any time, but it's not intentional.

And so you have to be very vigilant.

31:25

You have to be very strict.

You have to be able to have open conversations about this.

If you can't, it is a real issue and it will continue to cause real issues in your relationship and in your family.

Absolutely.

So it destroys marriages, it destroys relationships and 100% I know some people won't agree with this but the the evidence is there 100% porn wrecks your brain if for no other reason then just what it how it destroys your your dopamine baseline right you you should stay clear of it and stay away from it.

31:58

And that's not just for the sexual aspect of it, but when you when you raise your dopamine baseline like that, like all other activities in.

Life.

It makes the rest of life.

Or more boring, like it's it's more difficult to enjoy life in general when you have a super high dopamine baseline.

32:15

Yep.

Where you should be just enjoying life, enjoying the simple things of life and and genuinely sitting there like, I love this, this is amazing.

But if you're a porn addict that that's just wrecked your dopamine levels and then or a drug addict or an alcoholic who's sitting there like, oh man, so boring.

32:34

It's so empty.

I just got to get my next hit and the body is craving it.

And you are an addict.

And.

And she says I like her frameworks.

Like if you know, a lot of people are telling him, so I'm not addicted.

I'm not addicted.

She said, OK, just try to go without it.

If you're not an addict, just go without it and see what happens.

32:50

Yeah.

And like the the reactive response of the brain and body is like, yeah, it reveals you're you're an addict.

Yeah.

OK.

So get that out of your life.

OK, which that's a whole nother episode, obviously in a whole nother conversation.

And you can reach out to us for resources, Yeah, and questions if you have.

33:08

And coaching.

Yeah, and coaching #3 unfortunately.

And it's often connected, but not always connected, and that's adultery.

If your spouse is not interested in sex with you, it may be because they're either committing adultery through porn, because to me that it that is adultery or porn and masturbation is adultery in my mind with an actual affair.

33:35

And this unfortunately again with our clients is too common.

It happens.

We know of people who have been wondering why their spouse is so distant and not intimately connected emotionally, mentally, physically, and then.

33:52

Still going through the motions, still showing up.

You know, going the job, being the word, playing house.

Yeah, doing all things.

And for years wondering something off, this feels off wise off.

You know, I'm going to try this and it's just not there.

Come to find out, it was years long affairs.

34:09

Yes, and this is this is happening.

Multiple.

Clients of ours that we've heard about.

So, so an affair was essentially going on for, I think in both cases, almost a decade of an affair that was happening that the spouse didn't know about.

34:25

And these are church going people, good people going to church, putting on the front, doing their their church stuff, their ministry, their callings.

And behind the scenes there is an affair going on.

And it looked simply like emotional, you know, distance and physical distance, not, not a lot of sex, not a lot of deep connection.

34:50

And the reason was they were emotionally and physically involved with someone else.

So again, we're not here to sugarcoat things.

We're not here to give you the rainbows and unicorns.

We're here to give you straight facts about this is generally what we see and this is another one of those scenarios because because the reality is and I think this is what we need to understand, sex is critical to marriage.

35:16

Marriage is primarily a sexual contract.

It means that you and I have sexual access to one another and to no one else by default.

This is it.

So if the sex isn't happening here something.

Is.

Something is wrong because in normal healthy human beings, there's going to be a sex drive and there's going that should be driving us to each other.

35:40

That is the point of it.

That is the reason it exists besides of course reproduction, but that's the point.

So if it is not happening, that is a major red flag that something is off in your relationship and or in your partner or in yourself and it needs to be repaired in order to have a whole healthy, extraordinary relationship.

36:03

That's why we keep talking about this topic, because it's so critical.

It's so critical and and we need to be aware of it.

We need to wake up and and realize this needs to be happening if and if.

It's not the the causes behind it, like adultery, need to be addressed.

It needs to be resolved.

36:19

So if it's not health, it's just destroyed a sex drive, then the sex drive is being released somewhere else.

And there's a lot of this we can, I mean, we've done other podcasts on and we can go on and on about it.

Like if if the man, if your husband was was wanting sex and trying to initiate sex and you were just constantly rejecting him and he's not getting sex often, most healthy men want to have sex multiple times a week.

36:46

And if he's getting sex once a month or or worse, it doesn't just go away.

He doesn't just stop thinking about sex.

He has to do something about it.

So he's either going to withdraw completely or distract himself, or he's going to look for an outlet.

37:02

And again, this is not giving men license or excusing their behavior.

We're simply explaining the psychology behind it and the Physiology and the Physiology that if he has that sex drive and it's not.

The one sacred place where it.

37:19

Should be to be released within that sexual contract.

Then the Physiology in a way, and I'm explaining this, from what I've come to learn about your sex drive, it becomes almost like I'm going to say a demon that drives him to find a release somewhere else and that's when he turns to porn, masturbation, adultery.

37:44

Again, not that he's a bad person and he's trying to ruin his life or ruin your life as the spouse.

Unfortunately, that's just the nature of the Physiology, of the psychology of what's occurring.

That drive does not go away.

And I've come to understand it as as like someone who's hungry or starving.

38:04

Like you don't stop thinking about food just because you're told you can't eat.

Like if you are hungry, you're going to do whatever you can to get food, right?

And in some ways, in this case to in this case, the wife.

38:20

Is the only one who can feed the hunger?

Then I know that that even just saying that is a very delicate subject because for many women that feels like too much.

It feels like intimidating, threatening, demeaning.

And we've done a lot of other episodes about it.

So definitely listen to those because we talked through that and, and I hate to even because to many women also it feels like what's his problem?

38:43

Like he's evil, he's devilish, there's something wrong with him because he has that drive.

And I've come to learn that.

Well, no, that's just the way you're, you've evolved, that's the way you've been designed, created.

That's just how you are.

And so learning to work with that and to see the purpose and the meaning and the beauty behind it, because I do be, I do believe it.

39:03

It's a very beautiful thing when you are driven to me that keeps our marriage connected and united.

I don't have to worry.

I don't have to worry like going back to the circle of intimacy.

I don't have to worry about keeping up on that part because you are going to be drawn to me and all I have to do is not reject you to keep that circle moving, right?

39:24

And then that also opens up the door for me to be emotionally and mentally connected to you through conversation and connection.

That way when we each do that, do our part right, and there's crossover.

Of course, I'm not saying it's cut and dried, but that's what keeps the emotional wheel moving forward instead of making go flat.

39:46

And, and it's again, this, this is an uncomfortable and, and difficult conversation for a lot of couples, but I want to really emphasize that marriage is a sexual contract.

And so there's a, there's a moral responsibility there.

And, and that's where that that drawn that connection comes in.

40:03

And in, in marriage, there's going to be lots and lots of instances where where neither partner feels like doing something.

I'm, I'm tired, I'm distracted, I'm busy.

I don't want to do that.

Like, well, how's that going to turn out if I'm tired all the time?

40:19

Rachel wants to talk and I'm like, I yeah, no.

I've been talking all day.

Yeah, I'm done listening to you and I'm I'm too tired to listen you.

Can't listen anymore.

You're good.

You, Rachel, would feel, I mean horrible and build up and build up build.

I just need to talk.

I want to talk, I want to connect.

I'm like, sorry, I'm busy, I'm tired.

40:37

I don't feel like it.

So if if I go through life saying, well, I'll listen to you when I feel like listening to you, especially if you need a really vent and get it out.

I've had a.

Perfect day, no problems, no stress.

Maybe I feel like it.

Yeah.

And then, you know, if if you, you know, because in our relationship, Rachel will sometimes cry or process out loud and, and want to get it out.

40:58

I mean, that that seems common for many women and many men hate doing that.

So it's like, I don't want to hear you complain like it's the last place we want to be and the last thing we want to do.

But if I base my role as a husband and a partner on whether I feel like doing it or not, like that's messed up.

41:21

I have a moral obligation to connect with you, to listen to you, to support you, whether I feel like it or not.

Well, and I think more importantly, especially if we use the same analogy for sex, to learn how, because this is what I've done and this is what you've done.

41:37

To learn how to want to do that, to want to listen to me even if you've had a rough day and you have a headache and you're tired and you want to go to bed.

But to see the bigger picture of like, well, no, this is important.

She needs me.

And I'm the only one I can turn, she can turn to.

41:55

That's why I do.

That to be that person for her, and the same is true.

Plus it makes our marriage amazing, our relationship amazing, everything's great.

So yes, I want to do those.

Things because those things, the outcomes, come from it, even if in the moment you don't necessarily want it.

That's the same with me.

42:11

I've learned to want that because I want the outcome come of having a very deep relationship with you.

Part of that intimacy requires physical sex that is a part of it.

I want that, which therefore means I want sex, even if I don't always want it in the moment.

42:31

That's a part of the sacrifice we have to make as a couple in order to deepen the intimacy.

We each have to do our part and we also we each have to sacrifice a part of ourselves to be able to fully engage in that.

42:46

Right.

And so like in a very real way, it's just it's granting sexual access.

Well, and maybe the word we use that might feel more comfortable to people is intimate access, which includes sex.

Because I think it's it has to be both sided and very often because there will be women who do that and are like, OK, I recognize this.

43:09

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna give sexual access.

And they don't get the emotional side of it in return that they need, or even just as much as a man needs, needs to want sex.

Or even sexual enjoyment.

Yeah.

That if.

If he's not doing the things that allow her to really enjoy sex, then it's just like this duty is frustration.

43:27

And that's, yeah, these are all symptoms that we need to talk through and work through and and work through all this stuff so that it's an ideal.

But I think it's worth really emphasizing here.

I think many women are naive about sex drive and a man's need and desire for sex.

And they think, well, I just don't feel like it.

43:43

I'm, I'm just tired.

I don't, I don't, I don't feel up to it.

I've been busy.

I had the kids like, so you just deal with it.

They say to the husband, just deal with it.

Just discipline yourself.

Just have more mastery or just whatever.

And then when he goes and does something else, he's like, well, what's going on?

44:00

Why not?

You're like, well, you contributed to that.

Problem and again, we don't want to be misunderstood as though we're putting the blame on her and that he's innocent.

That's not the case.

But we are trying to paint this picture here of understanding that because in anything that occurs, we we have been a contributor.

44:21

Every single person is a contributor, if not the creator of their own problems.

So when something happens, even as horrible as porn addiction or adultery, we have to at least acknowledge the role we have played to contributing to that.

44:38

That's a part of ownership.

That's a part of responsibility.

That's a part of of growth.

We have to do that.

So as we're discussing this, it's with that intention of understanding, oh, this is how I potentially contributed to adultery.

44:54

I potentially contributed to porn through these types of behaviors of often unknowingly, women don't always know this.

I didn't know this.

I had to learn it that my innocent rejection of you for many valid reasons, right?

45:11

I've got 7 children, I'm touched out, I'm I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed could lead you to pursuing other paths because I simply am too busy for you or I'm too busy for sex.

I'm too busy for, you know, whatever that that connection that you need.

So it's just it's bringing understanding to this issue.

45:29

Yep, so powerful.

OK, which leads to the next one, which is also going to be uncomfortable but extremely important.

Yes that if your health, your well-being, including I would say your attitude, your mental emotional state, your physical state, all of it it I guess inside the marriage relationship also we have this obligation to be attractive.

45:57

I, I love to teach and tell people that when when I asked Rachel to marry me, there was an automatic contract commitment that went in force to say I'm going to keep leveling up and I'm going to keep doing my very best to be a phenomenal husband and father.

I'm going to keep doing everything I have to do to be attractive to you, to attract you to me.

46:17

Yes, like I.

I get more and more and more attractive.

Right.

I can't knowingly and deliberately do anything that repels you, and I can't unconsciously do it either because that's a violation of this contract we have, this commitment that's unspoken and unwritten.

Well, and is in fact opposite of what many people in society believe or teach, that when you get married you let yourself go.

46:38

I mean, we all know this.

This is the the standard.

For most.

People, most people, this is just what they figure is going to happen.

You get married, you put on weight, you start living in your sweats, you you let yourself go and things deteriorate from there.

46:57

And everybody like knows that.

And when it happens, they look around and they're like, Oh yeah, that's what happening.

To everybody, that's the norm.

And we're saying that's not just because it's normal doesn't mean it's normal.

Like, just because it's common doesn't make it healthy.

That is not the way it should be.

47:14

You should not expect your spouse to love you the way you are and that you're going to be that way forever.

You should not expect that you don't have to change and grow and improve and you're going to continue to be attractive to your spouse.

That's not how it actually works.

And it's pretty messed up and manipulative to say, well, we're married now, like you said.

47:32

Yes, we, you know, we, we gave each other.

Do its part.

Through sickness and health.

And you know that.

And so you just, you're stuck with me.

No matter what.

Think how messed.

Up that is, which is not to diminish the importance of those aspects.

47:48

That is true.

We should be committed to each other through all those things and and you're not, we're in no way saying that if I'm not perfect or you're not perfect, like we're going to leave each other.

That's not it either.

But what we are saying is that yes, there's going to be the ups and downs.

48:03

There's going to be the sickness and all of those things and and the vicissitudes, but we should be continually striving to improve ourselves, to be our best, to be patient, to be loving, to be kind, to be attractive, to be to, to eat well, to take care of ourselves.

48:19

That should be a part of our journey together rather than like, well, I got you now.

And our covenant, yeah, our commitment, like it for me to become unpleasant and and miserable and grouchy old only.

But, you know, unhealthy.

48:36

Yeah, like and you say, well, you're stuck with me and you, you, you marry me.

You said yes, so you deal with it.

That's just horrible.

What a terrible attitude.

So in in this aspect here is like we have to do everything in our power to keep being attractive, to keep being the very best version of ourselves, to keep working on ourselves harder than we do on anything else.

48:58

And it makes a difference.

So, and, and again, this is true mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially, financially and physically.

It's, it's all of it.

So it's, it's not just physical.

Physical is a very important aspect to this, but it's not just physical.

49:13

If you let yourself go mentally and you're just a mess or emotionally, like that's so unattractive.

You're just constantly exploding or nagging or getting upset.

So essentially what we're saying in the 4th 1 here is that it's your own way of being that may be repelling your husband.

49:33

So, and, and this has occurred with clients when you have clients that come to you who are generally in this case, the woman who does want more sex from her husband because it is also Despite that many, sometimes women don't get this.

It's only when it's missing that they realize how much they want and appreciate it.

49:51

That if you don't have the attention of your husband, if he's not drawn to you, if he's not pursuing you, that's when you begin to realize, yeah, wait a second, I want to be pursued.

I want to be attractive to you.

I want to be captivating.

I want you to be attract drawn to me.

50:08

Like, I want that.

And when it's missing, that's when people come to clients and they're like, what's going on?

Why doesn't my husband have a sex drive?

Why is he not drawn to me?

And so here we are with the four things.

And, and #4 is you just may not be attractive anymore.

50:27

And that is painful to hear, but it's not something you can't do something about.

Exactly.

You can change that.

You can become a more attractive person.

And I think that that is the more empowering narrative because I know there's plenty of narratives out there that are just like, well, that's fat shaming or that's.

50:50

He should just love you the way you are.

Accept me the way I am.

And that's not true.

I I don't think as human beings we're meant to be or stay that way.

It's great to have unconditional love.

That is a beautiful thing.

But there's also a lot of beauty and power to becoming the best version of yourself.

51:12

It is something that is inspiring.

It is something that it's attractive and it's something that's very compelling.

So and I and I truly believe is the true nature of ourselves that if we get in touch with our true inner nature, like our soul level, that's what we discover that that is who we are.

51:31

We have this upward reach and when we pursue it, that becomes very attractive to other people, including our spouse.

Especially our spouse.

Yeah, you said something really profoundly.

Just kind of struck for me.

While we might be pursuing unconditional love, I just don't think there's anything around unconditional attraction.

51:51

True.

I, I think, I think attraction has conditions.

Yeah.

And, and honestly, I think love has conditions as well.

I, I was, we were at a seminar years ago and someone's like, well, love unconditional.

I'm like, hold up, wait a minute.

If this, if it was unconditional, then I could just marry anyone.

52:08

Like I'm marrying you because this specific love that I have for you is conditional.

Otherwise, I could just marry any woman like, well, no, my Love's unconditional.

Let's marry whoever that does whatever lives out.

Like I don't, I don't have to be attracted.

There's no conditions, no standards, no qualifications.

52:25

Like whatever does anyone like in live?

I don't have to live with them.

It's like whatever.

Love you and not have to live with you.

But that's not true.

Yeah, there are conditions.

And if if I changed massively, you could stop loving me and stop being attracted to me.

52:41

Same with you.

And and this is where it can get difficult because, yeah, I could potentially still have unconditional love for you as a human or as a soul, but.

Not as a spouse.

But as a spouse, that love could definitely change and I and I could let go of that while still loving you unconditionally, right?

53:01

And so in some ways it's very nuanced and difficult to break down, but but that is what's essentially but.

There are conditions there and I think that's good.

It would be naive to just think, you know, she'll love me unconditionally.

I can do whatever I can become whatever, I can let myself go and she'll love me unconditionally and she'll be attracting me unconditionally.

53:20

That's that's crazy.

It's naive.

And again, I mean, we're maybe getting off too far into the metaphysics of this because yeah, on some level that could be 100% too, and that's great.

But it's going to look like a very different relationship than one where we're mutually driven to improvement and growth so that we can reach higher levels of being.

53:41

Well, we want to have an awareness, ordinary marriage, not just a survival marriage, right?

I love it.

And so that it's a different type of love, yeah.

And so, you know, some and some people have a hard time understanding.

It's like, well, wait, if I put on weight, what does that have to do with anything?

If I'm overweight or obese, like, why does that change his drive?

54:00

Well, it does.

That's just the nature of it.

And obesity is not attractive.

It's not healthy and it has lots of ramifications beyond just your shape.

It's energy levels, it's activities, it's it effects every part of.

54:18

You, I think it's actually also connected to evolution because I do believe in evolution, of course, I've talked about that many times before.

And it's a sign or it's a symptom, because on an evolutionary level, we're driven to mate with people who are going to be successful as spouses or successful as parents, right?

54:41

So that we can reproduce the species.

Like that's a thing that that's built into our DNA, our biology in a way.

And so I, I believe that attraction is connected to that because as a man, you're going to be attracted to a woman who is going to be great for bearing children, right?

55:02

And that simplifies things a lot.

But I think, you know, if we think about the evolution side of it, that that's the basis of it.

And that that would be one of the reasons why men or many men, I'm not saying all are not attracted to obesity because it's also an indicator of disease, right?

55:25

It's an indicator of something off in the body, which is why it's an underlying issue it.

Could even be subconscious at that level.

It is absolutely subconscious.

That's why I'm saying this and I'm being very careful here because it is a subconscious thing, but because of the direct, and this is not, again, this isn't just our opinion or whatever, The research is very clear that obesity is an indicator of disease.

55:51

Like it's a precursor to many of the diseases and you're more likely to get many of the diseases if you have obesity.

So it's, there's a direct connection there.

It's just not like happenstance or whatever it there's a direct connection.

So on a subconscious level, it's almost like we are driven to thinner people because it's a sign of or an indication of better health and better well-being, which leads to better reproduction and better longevity.

56:21

All of that is, I think, built into our biology because of evolution.

And that is what's playing out even in a marriage relationship.

And even if you're not even, you know, you've already made children or whatever, you've already reproduced, it's still there.

56:36

You can't just then get away of get rid of the revolutionary aspect of it, the biology, and be like, wow, we're already married so I should just be attracted to you even if you are overweight.

It's subconscious.

Right.

And it's still and it's there.

It's like so and it's just healthy, is attractive.

56:54

And I think in, in this, like one of our approaches has always been to work with what is like.

Very often I, I feel like in the world today, we want to change what is like.

This is how things are, but we want to deny reality and try to create something else.

57:12

And it's just so much harder in my mind than figuring out, oh, what is reality.

Let me work with it to get the outcomes I want rather to try than trying to deny it and fight it and fight against it and kick against it to create something totally different.

57:31

Yeah, you're right.

And so it's like, well, so let's, let's say hypothetically, I, I get overweight and, and then I could be like, well, my, my wife's not as attracted to me when I'm overweight.

So in this fighting reality, I'm like, I'm putting all this effort into trying to make you be attractive to me being overweight.

57:48

Instead of wait a minute, if my wife's attracted to me when I'm fit, why don't I just become fit?

It's so much easier than trying to go in and change what you're attracted to.

Like, this is crazy.

I'm fighting reality.

This was just simple.

It's like, well, I'll just drop the weight and again, it's it's all interconnected.

58:04

Even saying it's simple, we understand it's challenging for people, but but that's part of the thing.

It's so simple, it's.

At the same time.

Just eat healthy food in smaller portions like that's it.

You'll lose the weight it it's so simple and it's all interrelated too, because usually when you're, if you're overweight or obese, it's because you're generally you're eating emotionally.

58:26

So something's off emotionally and mentally there.

So that's adds to it And your, you know, your, your habits.

Maybe you're watching a lot of TV and eating a lot of junk food and you're more sedentary.

That's unattractive.

So it's, it's this big stack.

It's not, it's not the simple like, oh, that's so shallow that you don't love me.

58:44

You don't attract to me because I'm overweight.

It's like, well, there's a whole picture here.

There's there's this whole package and you getting healthy improves all of those things.

Your self-discipline, your mastery, your energy, your pursuing goals and great habits and doing good things and you're healing and getting stronger mentally and emotionally.

59:03

It's wonderful.

That's amazing.

It's all attractive, yeah.

That's so, so attractive and so there's so much you can do.

And even if, OK, even if you are, you know, in a decent physical condition, well, how's your attitude?

How you know, how are you optimistic?

Are you complaining all the time?

59:18

Are you pessimistic?

Are you worried and afraid all the time?

You're really negative, You know, are you, are you constantly criticizing or complaining?

All of that's unattractive?

Do you leave the house just messy and, and you're messy and disheveled and, and do you get a lot of people are just like, well, I'm done getting dressed up because I'm married and, or I'm busy.

59:37

I have kids, so I'm, I'm never going to put on nice clothes and look nice.

I'm just going to settle into this disaster that's all unattractive.

And so over time, you just lose that attraction.

It's like, oh, we're just existing as roommates and I have a sloppy roommate.

Well, and and things as simple as you know, cuz you mentioned the negativity and the complaining and if I'm constantly getting after you or complaining to you, I don't recognize the things you do.

1:00:05

I don't respect you.

You're not and you've told me this, you're not attracted to me when I'm like that.

If I.

Continually, regularly behave that way.

And unfortunately, it becomes kind of this feedback loop that feeds itself into this downward spiral because the more I, the more I do that, the less you're attracted to me, the less you're attracted to me, the more I do that because I'm really reaching out.

1:00:30

Like I want need your attention, but I do it in a negative way subconsciously.

And so I keep pulling away, farther and farther.

Exactly.

And so then down and down we go in this spiral, and we have to recognize what's happening and then be able to put a stop to that and turn it around.

1:00:47

Like, the more I respect you, the more I behave in pleasing or attractive ways, the more drawn you will be to me, right?

And it takes time, of course, to reverse those habits.

But ultimately, that's really the only way we can do it.

1:01:05

Like it can happen quickly.

Like you, you can start doing you, you listener, but is this is true for me and for Rachel?

Like we could start doing more attractive things immediately.

Yes, like I could literally do things right now that are more attractive.

You can do things right now that are more attractive.

1:01:21

And so if you have habits that are just unattractive, you've been doing things, just stop and it'll be so pleasant to your partner.

Yes, so it will at least be.

It will at least create a vacuum from the previous negativity, which gives space to bring in more of that positivity.

1:01:40

Exactly.

It's, it's so powerful.

So OK, so let's say if you're nagging, you're like, I just stopped nagging, but it creates the space.

And then the next step is instead of nagging, I can start expressing gratitude and and praise and respect.

1:01:56

Boom.

And then then immediately like it just, it is reversed everything and your spouse is going, well, what's going on that that was different.

There's not what's expected.

That was actually really nice.

And they might be suspicious, like what's going on here, might be skeptical.

1:02:14

Well, whatever, just stick with it.

Like I really like this.

And it starts to awaken something again.

It starts to bring them again.

I love that word attractive.

You're attracting them.

You're drawing them in this magnetic force.

1:02:31

It's so powerful and so beautiful and I think that has to be happening on a regular basis, a daily basis where we're drawing so two-part I'm trying to draw you into me and I'm leaning into you.

1:02:50

So I'm going, I'm kind of going both directions, right?

I'm doing things to draw you to me and I'm purposely going towards you.

I'm going into your space.

That's what makes a beautiful marriage relationship.

Well, as you're saying that, it just made me think of magnets.

You know, we all played with the magnets as a kid or in school.

1:03:07

And you can either use the opposite ends to repel and like, there's nothing you can do to bring those magnets together when you're the wrong ends are pointed, right?

And I think that's what's happening in many marriages.

Both partners are inadvertently, subconsciously doing things that are literally repelling.

1:03:26

They're repelling their spouse.

And then they're wondering, like, why do we?

Why is this no worry?

And it feels so hard.

You're just pushing, OK, leaning harder, like yeah, it's impossible.

I can't get next to them back.

To what I was talking about, like so many people are fighting against reality.

Like, you know the thing about being attracted to someone who's not overweight, right?

1:03:47

You're like.

Trying to force.

So many people.

Why fight against it?

Instead, lift the magnets around, do the things that are attractive, and guess what?

The attraction is like a magnet.

It's going to happen.

So powerful.

It's the same with the the masculinity and the femininity, like when they're lined up right, just just drawn together, it can't separate them.

1:04:11

But if if he starts doing feminine things, there's A and repulsion.

And if she starts doing really masculine things, yeah, there's that repulsion.

So it's like the dynamics aren't working anymore.

The traction is gone because they're switching these roles.

1:04:28

And so it's bringing back that beautiful, masculine, feminine nature so that the attraction is really strong.

And, and we don't want to be misunderstood here that that means things like, well, you never do the dishes or household duties because that's a woman thing.

1:04:45

And I, you know, we're not talking about that kind of stuff.

We're talking about because there can be a lot of crossover in that, like whatever works for your family, but there's still this, this masculine role that you have and the more feminine role that I have that complement each other.

1:05:00

And when we operate from that space, which is in essence means being true to our true selves, then that's where then the attraction occurs between us because we have these clear.

1:05:18

It's like a clear separation of identities I guess, rather than trying to be equal and the same in everything.

Exactly.

So powerful and so wonderful.

And when it's good, it's so good.

And, and when it's good between us to, you know, to bring this back full circle, it makes it that much better for the rest of the family.

1:05:41

It makes us that much better parents.

We are more united in our approach.

The kids feel the unity that brings a lot of security to them because when kids feel like the family unit is safe and secure, like they thrive, they don't.

1:05:59

They're not worried about what's going to happen with mom and dad.

They're not worried about the breakup of the family unit.

They they thrive in that security, knowing that things are healthy and well and that we're bound together and that we are going to be there for them.

1:06:16

Like it's really just an ideal environment for children to grow and develop.

Where they can be whole and, and pursue all the things they want to pursue because they don't have to worry about us and and they wouldn't be able to articulate it the vast majority, but they sense when it's off.