July 23, 2025
Help!! My Teen Feels “Controlled” and “Different”! How to Hold Standards Without Resentment or Rebellion
The player is loading ...
When teens push back on rules or feel "different" from their peers, the solution isn’t lowering your standards—it’s building a better life. In this episode, we share how to stop controlling your kids and start creating a family culture so exciting and meaningful that they want to choose it for themselves. One of the most effective tools? Family adventure trips. When kids experience real-life adventure, growth, and challenge, they naturally lean into a lifestyle of growth and high standards.
Does your teen complain that they feel “controlled,” “left out,” or “different” from their friends because of your family’s standards?
Are you worried that your rules might push them into rebellion—or cause them to resent you?
In this candid conversation, we break down exactly how to hold high standards without creating resentment, rebellion, or emotional distance.
We’ll teach you how to stop parenting from the couch, stop obsessing over control, and start using CONVICTION to convince your kids to OWN the highest standards for themselves.
When kids feel like they’re missing out — screens, video games, or anything — it usually means we as parents need to create a family culture that is more fun, more adventurous, and more rewarding than the alternatives.
In this episode, we share practical ways to help your kids understand the why behind your high standards — and how to make your life—and your family’s life—so attractive and meaningful that your kids want to choose those standards for themselves.
Key Takeaways:
✅ How to parent without punishment or power struggles
✅ Why setting high standards actually prevents rebellion
✅ How to create real family connection—not just rules
✅ The power of family adventure trips to shift your child’s perspective
✅ Why YOU need to keep leveling up if you want your kids to grow
If you’re ready to parent from conviction (not control), this episode is for you.
🌍 Join us for the next Extraordinary Family Adventure!
Give your teen a life-changing experience on our Everest Base Camp Trek for Youth & Family →👉 https://www.extraordinaryfamilylife.com/courses/trek-everest-base-camp-youth-family
👉🏻 Register your teen for our Habits of a Successful Life Online Class. Enrollment now open for Fall!
Chapters:
00:00 Introduction and Personal Anecdotes
02:38 Navigating Parenting Standards and Boundaries
05:45 The Challenge of Standing Out as Parents
08:25 Communicating Values and Standards to Teens
11:02 The Importance of Ownership in Standards
14:15 Understanding Consequences and Life Choices
17:02 Living the Message: The Role of Parents
19:53 The Balance of Unconditional Love and Standards
29:31 The Complexity of Love: Unconditional vs Conditional
32:14 Prioritizing Relationships Over Rules
36:06 Conviction vs Control in Parenting
42:37 Creating an Engaging Family Culture
50:03 The Importance of Exposure and Experience
57:27 Choosing the Hard Path for Greater Rewards
Memorable Quotes:
🗣️ "Phenomenal parenting is getting your kids to own the highest standards as part of who they are."
🗣️ "We don't parent from the couch—we get up and live a life that's so good, our kids want to join in."
🗣️ "If the alternative looks more fun, you're doing it wrong. Life is supposed to be better than video games."
RESOURCES:
Let us help you in your extraordinary family life journey.
- How We Raised 7 Well-Adjusted Kids - Without Yelling, Tantrums, Punishments or Power Struggles (+ get THE CHECKLIST: Things We Do Every Day to Raise Well-Adjusted Kids)
- Rachel’s Must-Read Booklist for Well-Read Moms
- Greg's Recommended Reading List for Parents & Youth
- Follow us on Instagram: @worldschoolfamily or @greg.denning
- Enrollment is open for the Extraordinary Parent Mentoring Method!
- Get Rachel's Family Systems & Charts
- Join the Do More With Less Stress Workshop Series for busy moms
- JOIN GREG'S 90-DAY HEALTH & FITNESS CHALLENGE!
- Join the Formidable Family Man Masterclass and Tribe
- Gather with us for a 'Family Study Abroad' at the World School Family (Beach & Farm) Resort in Portugal
- Read our reviews here: https://podcast.extraordinaryfamilylife.com/reviews/
0:00
If you want to live better, then you're going to stand out.
We helped our kids to buy in so that our teens believe in the vision.
It can't be my standard, it has to be our standard.
0:15
They see the benefits.
They feel the benefits of living this way.
If we want our kids to level up, then we have to level.
Up.
It's prioritizing the relationship over the rules.
Hey there, this is Greg Denning.
We want to reach as many people as possible and help as many families as possible with these conversations.
0:33
And we want to keep this podcast ad free forever.
You can help us do that by subscribing on Spotify or Apple podcasts or wherever you listen your favorite platform and on YouTube and leave a quick review and and share your favorite episodes with friends and family.
0:48
It makes a big difference.
Thank you for being a part of this very important movement.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the extraordinary Family Life podcasts.
We are your host Greg and Rachel Denning.
Last week we tried to record an episode, but I had a dislocated rib and we made it what, 3 or 4 minutes top if that I was just it was in so much pain I couldn't keep going.
1:09
So here we are.
The rib keeps going in and out.
It already has happened several times this morning, but well, we had an eventful morning here on the on our little teeny farm.
You know, whenever you have animals, when you got lots of animals, you're going to experience life and death.
1:26
And today was another experience with death.
Sad that the kids, I don't know, I thought it was a valuable lesson.
The kids feel all the emotions of it and then they have to help do the work of of processing dead animals and and our bigger kids are gone on on their own epic adventure.
1:45
Right now they're over in in Hungary.
And so our oldest one here is 14 and he had to be woken up and taking care of some, some duties.
And yeah, he came out willingly, but dreading it because it's not.
2:02
It's not easy stuff.
But then he had such a great attitude.
Yeah, it's such a great attitude.
I would say he had a great time, which sounds weird because.
No, he did.
But if our.
Friend is one animal.
He leaned into he's like, you know what, this isn't pleasant, but I'm going to have a good time with it.
2:17
I was so proud of him.
Yeah.
And so grateful.
And so those are those are tough lessons.
And and losing animals is is hard and and all the problems that come with it.
And predators, this was what happens.
We had predators come in on the property and and kill one of our prized rare sheep.
2:39
So frustrating.
But anyways, it's a little tangent here, but this man, this fits with parenting so.
Well, and I think it especially fits with the topic today because we're going to be talking about holding standards, holding boundaries for your teen specifically and this.
Question differently from everybody else around.
2:56
Living differently and what that actually looks like in the day-to-day and, and how you actually do that and uphold it.
And so I think that does tie in.
I'm going to start by just reading the question that we received on Instagram.
We love to hear your questions.
3:12
So if you have a question, please send it to us either on Instagram at World School Family or at greg.denningoryoucanemailmesupport@extraordinaryfamilylife.com because we want to hear from you and we want your questions.
So this one said help.
3:28
I loved your most recent podcast about teens.
I have an honest question.
You mentioned that you don't want to be too controlling or that that will cause kids to rebel, but also that you don't allow video games.
We homeschool, we travel the world, we make our kids do chores, we eat pretty healthy.
3:47
And because of this, our teen feels always so different than his friends.
We don't have video games and we limit limit scream time, screen time.
But he feels so quote controlled because of our goals of a world class education and an extraordinary family life that many in our neighborhood don't aspire to, or at least they don't seem to.
4:11
I know you live away from family and other kids who are super close by.
So do you think that's what makes it easier to have higher standards?
I'm just trying to find a balance of these expectations.
We're modeling from your expertise, but also our teen who feels like we have too many rules or they are already so different than their neighbor friends who have no chores or unlimited phone and video game access.
4:40
So a very great question and a very relevant question because I'm sure there's many people who might listen to our podcast or see us on Instagram and think you guys are too different.
So whatever you talk about, it's not applicable to my life because my life is so different than your life and I.
5:00
Well, I, I hear a variation of this very often where parents are trying to hold a high standard and their kids just feel like totally out of place.
Like, why?
Why are you and this, this thing, Their kids will say that what, you're the worst parents ever.
You're the worst parents in the neighborhood.
5:17
You're the only ones who don't let their kids have phones or play video games or watch endless media.
You, you're the strictest parents.
You're the worst parents.
Like I hear variations of that very often.
And that's true.
If you hold any standard, you're going to be a minority on this planet, right.
5:36
I mean, let that sink in.
It, it seems kind of cynical, but it's it's true.
There's only about 2% of people who are living to high personal standards.
Everybody else is just in survival mode, just trying to figure things out.
It doesn't make them bad people.
Yeah, they're just rolling along.
It's like, what's what's what's wrong with that?
5:51
Everybody's doing it, so might as well do it.
But if you want to have world class health and world class education, if you want to live differently and better then the majority, you're going to stand out.
Yeah.
And people are going to criticize you and they're going to criticize your kids.
6:10
And so you're going to feel it.
Your kids are going to feel it.
But.
But it's pretty obvious.
It's actually relevant.
I had a coaching session yesterday and this client went internationally for a week with his wife and was coming back and he was spending a lot of time in the airport and had had a layover something.
And he's like, man, I just was just in the state of observation, just observing just a general swath of humanity.
6:35
It's like they were so unhealthy, unpleasant, like so slow, so ineffective.
He's just like, man, I was just looking around like it's not very hard to rise above the herd and he wasn't trying to be me.
6:51
In some ways.
Well, but he's like, he's like all you got to do, all you got to do is work out, eat well.
It's not, you know, work on yourself to stand out.
Because the of all the mediocrity.
Right.
The standard of, of mediocrity just keeps lowering down, down, down.
7:06
And so if you want any kind of like I said before, if you want any kind of standard, if you want to live a great life, you're going to stand out.
Which is not depending on the person.
That's not necessarily a quote UN quote good thing, especially to a teenager who wants to fit in.
7:23
The fact that you and your family stand out is not necessarily always comfortable so.
That, and therein lies the problem which we'll talk about today.
That's why I love this question because, yeah, it's a real thing.
And it is something we have also felt and dealt with.
We've had to come to terms with it and we've had to help our teenagers come to turn with it.
7:45
We, you know, we've now had five teenagers.
We're on our fifth teenager, and it's a real thing.
So.
So how do we do this?
How do we hold up these high standards?
How do we live at a different level and still be able to communicate that to a child in a way where they don't feel like, like you were saying, we're the controlling, horrible, worst parent ever because we're not doing everything else.
8:09
We're not letting them do everything else that everyone else is doing, right?
So I think the most important, there's a couple of things I want to emphasize here and this is something I've been feeling we have to you and I, Greg and I have to do better at communicating to people, our coaching clients, the podcast episode or podcast audience.
8:33
I feel in some ways we have been misunderstood and of course it's our own fault that to many people we come across as very controlling, strict parents.
And the irony is when people actually meet us in person, we are not controlling and we are not strict.
8:50
We are actually very flexible and very like free flowing in a way, right?
And our kids have never like rebelled or fought back or I don't remember any instance where kids were ever saying you guys are so controlling or even you're too strict.
9:06
They've never said that it's the way we implement it.
So that's what I wanted to say to the person who wrote this.
Like first of all, way to go, like celebrate this as I, as I was hearing this question, I'm like, yes, way to go.
Having the desires and the goals and the the standard, wanting that world class education, wanting to live differently, live better.
9:27
Fantastic.
Keep that up.
That is so wonderful.
Oh, set the standard, have the value, have the big goals, then it's the implementation piece.
And that's where either the kids go along or they start to fight it and they resist it.
9:45
It's how it's implemented is is where things really get important.
I would say implemented and communicated to your teens and children because I believe that because I did this myself, that often we have issues with our children buying in to our family vision or dream when we fail to communicate to them why it matters, why it's so important.
10:14
So as we talk about this idea of having higher standards that we live by as a family, we have had to be very, very, very good at communicating the passion, the reason, the motivation, the why behind it all so that our children actually bought into it.
10:34
And so, you know, if we could, if we had to end this podcast episode right now and tell you what The thing is, this would be it.
We helped our kids to buy in.
So that our teens believe in the vision.
That is why they don't rebel against it.
That's why they don't feel that we're too controlling.
10:51
That's why they don't fight it because they have bought into it as passionately as we have ourselves.
In fact, they are now one times like they're even more passionate about about stuff than we are.
They're like, man, Can you believe it, this or that or that that's happening?
11:09
Can you believe what people do and how that's just it's like the classic, I can't believe people still smoke these days, you know, because it's so bad for your health.
But they fully believe that about all the things that we do with our lives.
Like, I can't believe people eat regular French fries fried in seed oils.
11:26
I can't believe they do whatever because because that's their way of communicating and processing the things we have taught them so that they solidify it as part of their own way of being.
So instead of resisting us, they're actually observing their peers and saying, man, I feel bad for them.
11:45
They're they're not going anywhere.
They're not doing anything with their lives.
They're not reading books, they're not traveling, they're not having experience, they're not serving.
They're not working, working on themselves.
They're just entertaining themselves.
Like, I feel so bad for them.
They're not going anywhere.
And so instead of our, our, our teens and young adults aren't going out hoping they fit in or belong in some crowd.
12:06
They're leading out with so much confidence, and they're seeking out people who are phenomenally.
They want to spend time with all the world, and they're observing their peers.
And it's just like, yeah, feel bad for them.
It's, it's so sad that people are living that way.
So set another way instead of parents choosing and setting a standard and then enforcing that in their families, which is what most people do, what we tried to do early on, this is what we think.
12:33
Why I'm the parent.
So I set a standard or rule and then I enforce it well, but that doesn't work.
Because what happens and, and we know because we've gone through this process and we've helped our teens go through the process, but what happens in a lot of families is the parents individually or as a couple get some sort of enlightenment, understanding, vision of wow, This is why this is bad and this is better.
12:59
We want to live this way.
We want to do things this way.
And they may share that with each other, but a lot of parents fail to communicate that to their children.
So going back to this idea, that's or they.
Might just tell them well I told my kids I want them to have a world class education.
They, they told them and they thought, well, I've told you why, but communicating, convincing, it's a process, right?
13:21
So even everything you just talked about with our own teens, that was a process of getting them to that point, a process where we had many conversations with them where they came to us and said, well, our cousins play video games all day or our friends do this or they that, so why don't we right?
13:40
And instead of.
It which is perfect.
You want them to do that.
You want your children to come to you and say, hey, the neighbors, my friends or cousins, they do that.
What's the deal, right?
That is exactly what you want to have happen.
So one of the keys in this question she's asking is that this is actually not a bad thing.
13:58
This is very normal for your child, your teen to be saying, well, you're so controlling.
What what they're actually trying to say is help me understand why you have these rules and the rest of my friends and their families don't.
And especially because, you know, the the vast majority of us still operate on first level thinking you, you just see what's right at the surface.
14:20
And so your teens just look and like well.
They're, they're having fun.
Yeah, They're they've got a great life.
What's the deal?
There's nothing wrong with.
Them like they live in a they have a big house, they're eating junk food, they're playing video games.
Like why am I missing out here?
Like what gives?
Why is this?
Why is this a bad thing here?
14:35
Right.
And so you have you do.
So you have to take them to the next level of thinking where they begin to put together the pieces of like, well, yeah, but look where this goes.
Maybe that hasn't happened here in this family.
But if you look at people who end up in, you know, like a drug addict, where did they start?
14:56
They started here, a porn addict.
Most porn addict, most porn addicts had some connection to some sort of other addiction, like video games, before they got to porn.
You and I, having worked with so many people and done so much research, we're able to see those patterns and where they lead.
15:15
And so we're able to show the patterns to our children, whether from the research or the books we've read.
Or in real.
Life experiences of people we know around us.
And this happens, what we've been doing this since they were little and taking them out and, and we don't shelter them or hide them from it.
15:34
We, we, we don't, we have real life experiences and we meet wonderful people and we hear their stories and, and they'll tell their story to us with our children present.
Or if they tell us, then we share the story with our kids and they get to hear the pattern repeated again and again and again of like, hey, these choices lead to those consequences, good or bad.
15:53
And so our kids are sitting there processing that.
And then, and this is the point I want to emphasize so much today, it can't be my standard that I enforce on my kids.
It has to be our standard.
I want this high standard to I want my kids to take ownership of the high standard.
16:16
I want it to be theirs.
That's the golden ticket.
Because then they will never accuse you and me of being controlling or demanding or weird or ridiculous or crazy or whatever because the standard is theirs. 15 year old, 16 year old, 17 year old saying Oh no, I never put that crap in my body.
16:36
I will not put that garbage in my mind.
I will not waste my life and my time doing dumb things.
When it's their standard, they're unstoppable, right?
Like I don't have to enforce anything.
Yeah, There's no enforcing of rule, quote UN quote rules because it's not our rule.
16:52
To me.
And this, I don't think this is too much of A stretch.
To me, it's like thinking about gravity.
You know, we could, as humans, complain that gravity is such a strict rule that, you know, every time I drop something, if I hold my phone out here and I drop it, it falls to the ground.
17:08
Like, why?
I'm so tired of this.
It's so annoying, but you and I have discovered and learned through a lot of study that there are rules and laws that apply to every single thing in life.
There's rules of health, there's rules of mental and emotional health and as well as physical health, there's rules of success.
17:28
There's rules of abundance.
We can even call them laws to.
Yeah, every single thing that we, any of us want in life has a law that you have to obey if you want to achieve success in that area.
17:43
So for us, it's very much the same way.
You know, we could complain about gravity, or we can learn how to work with gravity, right?
And when we learn how to work with it and obey the law of gravity, then you can do all kinds of things.
You can jump, you can fly, you can like, you can do a lot of stuff, but you have to learn how to work with it.
18:02
To me, it's the same thing.
We've learned what the laws are to all the different areas of life.
And then all we're doing is communicating that to our children the best way we know how.
So we don't it's, it's almost, it becomes this third party thing.
18:19
So it's not you or I enforcing rules that we have created on our children.
It's simply we're saying, hey, guys, we figured out there's this law.
We've discovered it.
I mean, we didn't discover ourselves.
We, you know, came to the realization there's this law.
18:37
If we live in harmony with this law, this is the outcome.
If we don't, this is the outcome.
Let's live in harmony with this law and do these things so we can get the outcomes we want.
It becomes very much a external thing rather than a enforced.
18:56
Right.
So it's not, it's not us, the parents, US versus them, parents versus kids.
And you know, all, we're fighting everybody in their whole world.
It's like, no, no, hey, step back.
Like no, you're going to make your choice.
So we say this to our kids, we have, since they're very little, who do you want to be?
What kind of life do you want to live?
19:12
What kind of person do you want to be?
And, and here are the outcomes.
And we've given them so many endless examples.
So we're, we're just constantly doing this and letting teaching the principal, telling stories.
And then they observe themselves and they'll come back and they'll be like, guess what?
19:28
They'll go on a trip, they'll go somewhere.
They're like, okay, we observed this thing, we heard this thing.
And here's.
Well, and, and sometimes they even did it themselves.
They've gone to spend time with family members or friends where they spent the whole week playing video games and eating junk food.
And at the end of it, they are the ones coming back to us and saying, Oh my gosh, I felt like crap, like it was so terrible.
19:49
I couldn't, I can't wait.
I could not wait to get back to eat our food and to spend my time productively because I now know through experience it feels so much better.
It's.
Just such a waste of time in life.
And they feel that.
They feel the difference.
20:05
So if we can kind of pause in the story here to emphasize the way to make this successful is that we have to be living it.
We as the parents have to be living the standard because if we don't live the message, we suck as the messenger.
20:21
So if my life is boring, dull, unfulfilling, uninspiring, why would they listen to me?
Why?
Why would I be able to persuade them to have a high standard if they look at me like, and Dad, you're so boring and your life is so lame.
20:37
Like, why would I want your life?
Why would I?
And they're not going to think through this cognitively.
It's all subconscious.
Just like, why would I listen to you?
Why would I give credibility to what you're saying when you're such a lame person, right?
Or you don't have the results or you're not actually living it.
So if if I'm out of shape and I'm unhealthy and I'm telling my kids they should eat healthy food anyway?
20:57
Like you're such a hypocrite.
Right.
What's the benefit?
What's the point, right?
Because that is, that is the main selling point to this approach is that there has to be obvious benefits to doing what you do.
And that is one of the reasons why our kids buy in is because they see the benefits, they feel the benefits of living this way of living by the standards.
21:20
And so if at some point it becomes a no brainer, it becomes something that is so obvious to them because they begin to see and feel the benefits.
Let me let me share a perfect example.
Our son was out of the country and he went on this camping trip and it was a bunch of it was a kind of fathers and.
21:38
Stuff well out of the country, meaning he was back in the US, yeah.
He was in the US, We're in Europe, and they invited him up there.
So he went up and it happened that the vast majority of the men that were standing around talking were in their 40s.
And he said they were all overweight, out of shape, just just, you know, just unhealthy.
21:57
And they were all saying, well, yeah, man, once you hit 40, just nothing you can do.
It's just downhill from there.
And and they're just really being persuasive, but like this, so there's nothing.
And Kimmel's like, no, man, my dad's in great shape.
Well, no, you know, he, he must be younger and like, no, he's not.
22:13
Well, no, he must be taking something or he's just lying to you.
Like, and like they were just so convinced and so convicted that once you hit 40, it's just downhill.
And there's literally nothing you can do to be in great shape and have energy and vitality.
22:29
And Kimmel's sitting there like my dad is in phenomenal shape.
He's totally jacked.
I'm 47, by the way.
And he's like, this doesn't match up.
So it was a perfect exam congruence.
He's like, all these guys are in this is what happens is what we do.
And he's and he's sitting there in his head and this doesn't line up at all because he knows exactly what I eat.
22:50
He trains with me more than anybody else in our family.
Then actually, that's when it begins to line up.
You know, it's another confirmation because he's like, well, OK, yeah.
Because obviously now I see they're eating Donuts and and this other stuff.
So.
23:05
OK.
Yeah, it's more confirmation of what I've been taught exactly, that there is consequences for the choices that you make in every single aspect of your life.
And so it solidifies that thing.
You know continues about.
What he's been taught because he sees, oh, OK, this is the outcome for people who believe and act in that way.
23:27
Now I, I want to clarify something really fast before I, because there's like 3 or 4 points here I want to re emphasize, but before I do that, I want to clarify.
You guys might be saying like, wow, you're so judgmental here.
You are looking at just everybody around you and talking about them and about what they eat and what they do and all this and thinking you're better than them.
23:49
And so I want to clarify that that is not the spirit in which it's done.
We are very loving people.
We love people.
Obviously there's people we don't, you know, that's normal like this, Lewis said.
People are like vegetables.
You don't have to like them all.
But the point is we are observing behavior and outcomes.
24:09
We're talking about behavior and outcomes.
We're not saying that guy's a fat slob because he eats Donuts, but we'll say, Oh well, he's awesome.
He's a great person, but if you continue to eat a diet like that, this is the outcome.
It's almost, it's almost a separate, independent thing from the person itself.
24:28
Yeah, we we strive to be extremely objective, right?
Like look at the behavior was.
So I've been teaching this for years, like tell me your habits and I'll tell you your future, right.
And you can see a person's habits.
And once you do so long now I can look at a person and I can tell them their habits.
24:46
I can predict what their habits are with with tremendous accuracy because it's a formula.
It's those laws you were talking about.
Before.
I'm like, if this is what's going on, well, I'll tell you, it's it's this, this and this.
And somebody comes to me, a man comes to me as like super low libido and this happens all the time.
25:04
And without even seeing I'm like, it's this, this and this and like, whoa, how'd you know?
Like there's, there's a formula, there's laws.
And so we're doing that in, in that spirit, I was actually doing some, some thinking this morning on this same thing, this idea of justice and mercy and being so patient and, and compassionate with people as they're struggling with their own weaknesses on one hand.
25:33
And on the other hand, saying, no, man, the, the law is the law.
The habit is the habit.
You you do it or you don't.
Well, it's like gravity.
Gravity doesn't care about your feelings.
It doesn't care about if you're a good person or not.
I mean, gravity just operates no matter what.
And many of us don't realize, I mean, I, this changed my life when I understood this.
25:52
Many of us don't realize that that is happening in every level of our life.
It's happening mentally, emotionally, physically, in our marriage, in our parenting.
It's all governed by law.
And many of us aren't aware of those laws.
That's why we keep falling, failing, messing up, falling on our face.
26:09
It's like we don't understand gravity and we keep tripping over things, falling down.
Like why does this keep happening?
Seems so difficult but once you understand what's happening then it's just aligning ourselves with the loss.
Right.
OK.
So there's like 3 or 4 things here.
26:26
We've talked about a couple of them.
One of them, of course, is going back to it's not this idea of being very strict and controlling, It's prioritizing the relationship over the rules.
Like I want to.
In fact, I don't think we touched on this enough.
26:42
I want to re emphasize that because we're not just about having these high standards and high rules and you better fall in.
Love very few rules.
Maybe it's semantics, yeah, but we don't have a lot of rules we don't like.
26:58
This is our rule.
This is, you know, my way or the highway under my roof.
You follow my rules.
We don't ever do that.
We never have done that.
So we have standards.
It's like, well, here's the standard and here's why.
And our kids have always like, Oh yeah, I totally get it.
27:14
They they've bought in.
But even underlying that is we're prioritizing the relationship with each of our children.
We are bonding with them or attaching with them.
Again, there's a lot of different words you can use or connecting.
We are deeply we're building deep relationships of trust with each child, which is the foundation of being able to have any standards like our children know above all that we love them and because of that, they trust us.
27:45
I also recently had a question from some This is why I brought up the thing about being misunderstood because someone was like, you guys just seem so like transactional in a way, like your children have to earn their love through performance and goal achieving.
28:01
And I'm like, no, this, Oh, I don't even think I shared this with you.
I need to I need to expand.
With you, I was just hearing that.
I'm like, wow, they have never seen us.
They know nothing about us.
It's like so opposite.
Except that is, I think, unfortunately, something we've miscommunicated in our episodes sometimes as though we're holding up this conditional expectation of love, that love is earned.
28:26
And so you read the e-mail, I think, that I wrote.
I haven't.
Read that one yet?
OK, so that was the e-mail I wrote responding to of like, no, the foundation of this all is unconditional love.
Love is not something you earn.
It's not something you get after you've done XYZ.
28:42
Unconditional love is the foundation.
Now, I think where this can get challenging for people to understand is because there's still a nuance there.
And I was thinking about this, actually, I can have unconditional love for you as my husband.
No, you can't wait.
28:57
Hold on.
I know where you're going with this because we have this conversation.
You as a person.
Gregory Denning, Let's say that not my husband, just Gregory Denning or any person in the world.
I could have unconditional love for you, but there are still going to be I can simultaneously have unconditional love and I can also have conditional love, which I should have in certain aspects.
29:20
Your access to sex with me is going to be conditional whether or not I have unconditional love for you.
Do you see where I'm differentiating here?
Like there's levels and this is where it gets tricky with people.
You can have unconditional love, but you also have to have conditions for a certain thing, a certain.
29:41
Boundaries and standards.
In many ways, to me, the conditions are very similar to the laws of like, say, gravity.
If the laws of sex or sexual access, there are laws and you have to abide by those laws in order to receive sexual access is one example.
30:00
That could be misunderstood too.
So you're holding it leverage.
I'm just let's just point out that in marriage, like the love in marriage isn't unconditional.
That's that's why we choose certain people.
Yes, exactly.
And we choose to be married and we stay married and others, you know, get divorced or separate.
30:17
It's like there are conditions.
There are conditions to marital love.
We we throw this word out, it's unconditional love.
Like if it was unconditional love, you could just literally marry anyone, right?
Exactly.
I don't have conditions.
I'll just whoever, who's willing, we'll take you because we'll love each other unconditionally.
30:34
It's like, no, there, of course there's conditions and, and even, I mean, it's, it's kind of different with children, especially small children, but there are conditions with families too.
There's and, and, and love in general.
And, and we get it.
We don't want to get in this tangent, but liking people and spending time with people and and the depth of relationship with people.
30:54
So there's, there's a lot there, but there are boundaries, rules, standards.
So we can have massive amounts of love, infinite love, even unconditional love, but we must, absolutely must still hold standards 10 boundaries.
31:14
Yes, well, and I think especially because again, there's we could go into a whole podcast episode about the nuances between unconditional, unconditional love and whatever and how you would sort that out.
But I think ultimately, especially with children and yes, especially with very young children, unconditional love is the foundation.
31:34
Like there's no judgement about whether the child deserves your response when they cry because you are their provider.
You have to respond to them if you want to build a relationship with trust.
So that's where I'm going back to here is underneath all of this, underneath us holding standards and boundaries is the basis of unconditional love of our children that was built from the time they were young.
32:00
So that's the foundational piece.
And we're building on that, prioritizing the, and I'm saying it this way intentionally the the relationship over the rules.
So that's a piece to look at as you're trying to sort this out is like, are you prioritizing the relationship with the child enough more than the rule?
32:20
Because where we can get into trouble is if we hold the standard so firmly that it damages the relationship, if that makes sense.
And I guess I want to point out that because you bring this up and, and even in my own mind, I'm, I'm guessing some of the lizard, she was like, wait, how is this related?
32:38
How, how is you talking about the relationship?
We're here talking about standards, Like how do we hold standards and, and not have our kids fight against them and like dislike us and, and they're like, you started talking about relationship.
What are you, what are you talking about?
Where does this line up?
It's, it's inside a phenomenal relationship that it's easy to hold the high standard when the relationship is absolutely fantastic.
33:02
They like you, they trust you, they listen to you.
They admire you, they respect you, they want to model you.
Yes, so they're teachable, yes.
So when you say here's here's the standard we hold and This is why they listen and they say, got it.
33:19
I'm in where if the relationship.
Much easier.
Yeah, but if the relationship is strained.
Exactly.
And I've been distant or distracted or I don't pay for other things.
I I'm not interested in what they're doing and, and I don't spend time with them.
33:34
And even when I'm with them, I'm not really with them.
And, and when they mess up, I get very angry.
So then when I say this is our Saturn, he's like, whatever could jump in a lake.
Yeah, it's like, and This is why he's like blah, blah, blah.
I think that even what you just touched on right there, because that's another thing when I mean another thing, I mean when I'm talking about I value the relationship over the rule because even though I have very strong or high standards around things like no video games or no sugar in our house, if and when the kids mess up because they do, they will.
34:09
I don't get angry at them and upset at them and damage the relationship because of their mistake.
That's what I mean by value the relationship over the rules.
I will reinvest in the relationship and I'm simultaneously I can also get very passionate about the rule, but they're separated.
34:28
My passion is not directed towards the child in punishing or disciplining them.
My passion is on, which then goes into the next thing I want to emphasize.
It goes into the conviction about why this rule matters to me, why this standard is important.
34:45
And my kid, you can ask my kids because they've heard me over the years.
One of the reasons we have very high standards around food is because the week you and I met, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and within two years he passed away.
And as a result, including the fact that my mother remarried and then my stepfather died from cancer.
35:05
I am very passionate about food and like the quality of health and nutrition because that directly contributes to to chronic diseases like that.
And after giving birth to six children, you're very healthy yes, and trim and at 47, even after all of my.
35:23
Injuries.
None of us have any diseases.
Craziness.
We're we are in.
We take no medications at all.
Nothing.
It is all natural.
It's all from food and exercise.
And so if and when my children ever quote UN quote broke the rules, my passion went into convincing them why it mattered so much.
35:43
Into.
Into teaching and communicating, not into punishing and disciplining.
So that's where the net.
The second piece here is control versus conviction.
I'm not going for control.
I'm not trying to control my children because like you said, I want it to become theirs.
36:02
I want them to own it and so the passion and the energy goes into conviction and convincing and conversion and converting rather than in controlling.
Yes, yes, yes.
Disciplining that, that framework you just said is that's the ticket.
36:20
Yes.
So instead of putting all your energy, emotion, passion, frustration, whatever into correction, put it into conversion or conviction.
Because the goal isn't to make the children do what you want, it's to get them to want it for themselves.
36:43
Exactly.
Because if, if the child wants it as much as you do, then you don't have to be around.
You don't have to worry about it.
Like they take off and they go out with their friends or peers or they go to some new place.
So our our 2, two of our teens.
I guess she's about teens right now.
36:59
So she's 18 and 20.
They just flew to Budapest and they're on their own and like, I don't have to give a single thought.
Yeah, to.
Well, they make good choices.
Yeah.
They're around all these other people.
The other people might be not, you know, making good choices.
37:16
What will my kids do?
I don't have to worry about it at all because it.
The standards we hold in our family are theirs.
Yes.
It's not mine.
So I'm not sitting at home as a parent saying I hope they keep my standards.
I'm like, good, they're going to share those standards with all these other people and the other people are are criticized or mock or whatever.
37:36
Like our like our kids won't even faze them.
They don't even care.
They're like, why?
Why would you do that to yourself?
Why would you do that with your life?
Life is too good to be doing dumb things.
Like they're going to be an influence for good where they're going instead of me worrying that they'll keep my standards because I'm not there to punish them if they do or to remind them, right?
37:58
But I guess I want to keep emphasizing that if that's the system we set up of implementation is it's my standard and I enforce it, then I have to be there their whole.
Life and they are going to feel controlled and that is not what you want.
38:13
You don't want your children to feel like they're controlled by your standards.
You want them to have their own standards that dictate their behavior.
Exactly.
And even even I think in a way we want the standard to be independent of us.
Yeah, like I was talking about before.
This isn't my standard.
38:29
It's the third party.
It's the outside external look.
It's.
Like, no, this is just, this is just what you do to become healthy and wealthy and happy.
Yeah, and and so the kids like, because otherwise the kids think they're fighting you, they're like, this is your dumb rule.
38:44
You're the only one in the neighborhood who does it.
And and I don't know why.
And I really resent you right now.
And they they would say worth I hate you.
You're the worst.
And and at that point you're like, whoa, this isn't my rule.
This is like, this is a universal law.
If you do those things, you get those results.
39:01
So this isn't mine.
I didn't make that up, right?
And so it's almost like, and we said, if you want those results, you're welcome to choose to do those things.
That's up to you.
You're the one that has to decide what you actually want from your life.
And so in this whole idea of control versus conviction, you have to get very specific about the why.
39:23
Why does this matter?
Why do you have the standard?
Why should they have the standard?
And if you don't know, if you're just like, oh, I thought this is a good idea, or it's because the Dennings said so on our podcast.
Like you have to discover your why.
And then the next level is you have to be able to articulate that why to your teens and children.
39:44
So effectively the the people, even people who disagree with you, were like, OK, that makes sense.
Exactly.
Yes, that makes sense.
I, I did think of a scenario when you're like, hey, your choice.
You can do it and they're like, fine, I'm going to do it.
And you're like, well, not in my house.
You're not right.
39:59
So there are some instances.
Again, we're teaching and teaching, teaching, but I'm not letting junk food in my house and I with our kids 100%.
I'm not buying it ever.
Like if you want to eat that, like it doesn't, it doesn't make me sick if you eat junk food, but I am never, ever buying it for you.
40:18
Look, why not?
Please, I'm like because I love you too much to buy you junk food.
And like, well, it's, you know, or video games or dumb movies, they're just a waste of time.
Like, no, like none of that garbage is coming in my house.
Like, well, why?
It's because it's a waste of life and you're escaping life.
40:35
So video games, for example, it's just you're escaping life.
You're in this virtual reality.
Why?
We have explained all of the research, all of the psychology behind it.
So our children understand it's not just about, it's not that the video game itself per SE is bad.
40:52
It's, it's the whole bigger picture and the vision of where it leads and, and what you could be spending your time doing instead of playing a video game, right?
It's it's painting that whole picture for them.
So they grasp the the bigger concepts and so they understand the motivating force behind it.
41:10
So, yeah, there is an element for sure.
If you remove control and replace it with conviction, naturally that process is going to involve children experimenting.
They're going to go to their friends and play video games.
They're going to go eat junk food.
But we have always held a very clear standard of like, hey, don't bring that into our house, even to the point that if our kids did bring sugar in or something, we just throw it in the garbage because we're like, oh, oops, there's someone brought some garbage in.
41:35
We have them say, hey, you know right where that belongs.
Yeah, where that goes.
So.
We make a playful and fun but it's like this isn't allowed in our house.
Right.
And I think that's important too.
So it's playful, it's fun, it's lighthearted, We can hold a standard and we can even correct and discipline.
Say if you want to eat that you and they would do that.
41:52
Sometimes they're like, oh I better eat this before I get home because it's not allowed in that house.
Right.
And so I want to give some helpful strategies here, or at least share what has worked for us and what we would do if we were living in a neighborhood where where our kids wanted to hang out with the friends in the neighborhood and they they wanted to play video games.
42:11
I would say as an example, I'm going to start getting very, very deliberate and strategic about creating experiences that are way better than video games.
So I think this ties into this third element I really want to talk about.
You already touched on it when you talked about living a boring life.
42:32
It's this idea that if you're going to live a different standard, if you're going to have a different way of living, it needs to be more attractive than the other option.
So if playing video games is more exciting than your life, you're to blame for.
42:49
That there's your problem.
And so that's always been a key piece.
If our children were bored because they didn't get to play video games, we said, wow, our life is boring.
We need to do something about it.
And so as you were just talking about, you became very intentional about and if necessary, not just enticing our children into more exciting activities, but it they're.
43:13
Friends too.
So this is what I would be doing.
I would, I would deliberately start making hanging out with the Dennings so amazing that even their friends are like, dude, no, forget the video games.
Let's go with your dad on another epic adventure or let's go to your house.
43:30
Like, I want everybody at my house and I'm going to feed them.
And that's, it's going to be expensive, but I'm going to feed them delicious, nutritious food and they're going to come over and be like, bro, how can this be healthy?
It is so good.
43:45
Which many people have said to this whenever.
They come out, wow, we've been doing this for years and years and years.
They're like, we love eating at your house.
I'm like, yeah, and it's healthy for you.
So I'm going to feed them good food and they're going to love it.
They're like, holy crap, this is amazing.
Let's go eat at the Dennings.
We're going to be doing such cool things.
44:02
Now.
Is this going to cost me money?
100%.
Is it going to cost me time and effort?
Absolutely.
But we are going to be skateboards, rollerblades.
Throwing axes.
Knives and throwing stars and like whatever you got guns, ammo, paddle boards, kayaks and and if you got to throw down, throw down.
44:21
Get some like rad scooters and side by side.
Going to the trampoline parks, going to the water parks.
What are you going to do that they're like Brawl?
This is amazing.
I would way rather do a real adventure than some sitting there on my butt doing video games.
44:38
It's such a cop.
Out, and I hate to bring this up, but I have to unfortunately for too many people, and I understand because we've been there, it's so much easier to just so much easier and cheaper to just let them play the video games because you buy the video game once or the console or whatever and yeah, it's an investment quote UN quote.
44:58
But then they get to play it all the time and that's easier.
It takes less planning.
It tastes like less work.
It takes doesn't cost you more money to instead go to the trampling park or the water park, but that's what it is required.
That's what it costs and it's worth it if that's what it costs to keep your kids entertained and no, not keep them entertained.
45:21
Keep them engaged in the real world.
It is worth every cent.
And trust me, we know we have lived by this.
We've put our money where our mouth is and spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on epic experiences all around the world.
45:38
And yet that has convinced our children it is invested in them so that they understand, yeah, this is better.
It's a better.
Life.
Life is way better than a video game.
Way better.
But OK, let's bring it back down.
Let's earning the dollars way back down.
45:54
Here's a very real scenario that happens at our place all the time.
So again, what we're sharing with you guys is things we are doing, we have done for years and are doing.
So we're we're not going to tell you to do something that we haven't done.
Well, because I want to clarify in this going circling back to part of her question is like, oh, you guys have in a way lived in this bubble.
46:13
You've lived away from family, you lived away from the neighborhoods.
And we're like, yeah, for a lot of our life we have.
But we've lived in every scenario you can imagine.
Neighborhoods.
We've lived in a nature way.
Yeah, in a subdivision in America.
Right near your family and your friends, like whatever we've done all these things and, and always it's the same response.
46:30
It's our habits.
It's we're going to control the things that are in our control.
We can't control what's going on in somebody else's house, right?
And if, if down the road they're doing, playing video games, doing whatever, I'm like, no, we're, we're controlling what's happening in our house and we're making it better.
And So what, what happens in real time here at our place all the time is we're playing spikeball a ton and it is so fun and total newbies.
46:57
We've never played it before.
Just get in it and we have an absolute blast.
We're laughing, sweating, just having a wonderful time.
It's so fun.
And so we had to buy more and we set up tournaments and then they get stepped on and broken like, hey, buy another one and the balls go missing.
47:13
We're OK, buy some more.
And so we have like 3 or 4 spike balls.
Then we we got into Foursquare and you think, what 4 are you the that's.
Like an elementary.
School.
Elementary.
Dumb school people on the on the planet like how can you say that Foursquare is more fun than video games?
47:32
Well, the way we play it is amazing and and we come up even like capture the flag and and for a long time we were playing full contact capture the flag and everybody wanted in like and so again, some context here I've been.
Leading.
I've been leading trips for teens and young adults for years and years and years.
47:53
Big adventures, and even these ones that are just hardcore gaming addicts, they come and they love it because we have so much fun and whether it's rock climbing and rappelling or yeah, we're doing sand volleyball now, a ton of that, or Cliff jumping or surfing lessons, what, whatever, just lean into life and everybody feels better when you're truly living right.
48:22
But that required.
And this is the challenge, I think when we're talking about conviction, you have to be so convinced yourself of this higher standard, this higher way of living, that you're willing to invest time, energy, money, effort into doing it because, yeah, are there other things you or I could be doing?
48:42
Absolutely there are.
But we choose to make this investment in time so their children feel the benefit of living at this higher standard.
If you and I preached all of this and then be like, and then did our own things and didn't hang out with them and didn't spend time working out with them or playing games, then they'd be like, well, I'm bored.
49:03
Yeah, I'm gonna play games or play video.
So if I'm trying to parent from the couch, yeah, my option are to they're to yell and discipline, right?
And control and control, right.
Don't do that.
Oh, there's a consequence.
It's because I'm trying to parent from the couch, right?
So whenever our children have brought up those objections, we viewed that as an opportunity, one, to have a conversation, to articulate the conviction, the why, and two, to strategize how can we be more intentional about making the real world fun or real food delicious or, you know, whatever the standard is like, how do we prove this to our children that this is a good.
49:44
And if you're living it, this is one of the things I thought when I first heard the question, because it it's similar, right?
It's Architemple.
You hear this a lot.
I'm like, wait a minute, if you got a young man that's desperately wanting to be like the kids in his neighborhood, something's off.
Well.
50:00
He's wanting that connection, but.
Wanting to.
Be.
Accepted.
Again, he's not.
And I'm not talking about this particular child because I don't know.
But this is the hypothetical teen.
He's living in a neighborhood and he wants to be like his peers.
He wants to do what they're doing for me.
50:17
And this is just for me.
I'm going to be like, OK, hold up.
I'm not doing something well enough.
If my son wants to just be in the neighborhood doing all the little neighborhood things like I'm, I'm dropping the ball as a dad because he's not experiencing what life is really like.
50:33
Yes, when when life is so good, you're out serving, doing philanthropy, humanitarian work, doing big adventures, you're chasing big skills.
I mean, you're, you're doing knife fighting courses and firearm courses and first egg forces and stunt training.
50:49
Yeah, exactly.
All that stuff.
And water rescue.
And scuba diving.
Yeah, you guys just got scuba diving certified.
And we just went scuba diving again for Kimmel's birthday.
I mean, you're out doing all these epic things, climbing huge mountains.
Yeah, it's like we're going to Nepal in September.
51:04
Right, so kids like.
Camp about.
Everest.
I just wanna be a little neighborhood guy, right?
Wait, what?
I'm missing that.
You're, you're bringing up an uncomfortable truth because a part of this whole picture here is again, like, like we've been trying to emphasize choices have consequences.
51:25
And so we are trying to prove to our children that the choices we think they should make have the positive consequences they want.
The only way we can do that is if they can see that in our life.
If they are are wanting to be with their peers and be like their peers, that means somewhere that connection's not being made.
51:46
They don't view you as their parents, as the model they want to follow to receive the outcomes that you have.
Or even beyond us, Like way beyond us.
So we should be taking our kids to symphonies and orchestras and concerts and and museums.
52:02
They should be exposed regularly to the greatest minds and and artists and producers and creators on the planet when they.
Held up as a high standard.
Of as an inspiration, right?
So you're exposing these brilliant minds and they think I want to be smart, I want to be educated.
52:21
And their friends are like, dude, let's just sit around and like play games and like do nothing.
Let's sit on our phones together.
That sounds awesome.
Then our children and your children are going to be like that sounds so boring.
That will never lead to a world cast education.
You know, I just went to this seminar.
52:37
I went to the speech.
I just I just heard this guy was taking this class.
He's so genius, but he spent, you know, all his free time in the great books.
You guys have never read.
You know, you guys in the neighborhood, the hypothetical neighborhood have never read a single great book in your whole life.
Like I don't want to do what you're doing.
52:53
You're so uneducated now.
I don't want this to sound like I'm being yeah, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not going there.
And I'm not trying to be condemning or, or, or rude or mean.
I'm just trying to hold up this this reality that is 1 or 2% of the population, like have all the wealth and, and the education and, and the quality of life and the happiness joint all that.
53:18
And it's like, this isn't like all those evil terrible people.
They just take it from everybody else.
And what?
No, in in many cases they've earned it.
Like especially with like education.
Like nobody gives you an education.
You can't buy an education.
You can't rob your way, cheat or steal an education.
53:36
You have to get educated, right?
And if you have phenomenal, like truly, truly great skills, you have to earn those things.
Well, and that's a great example of another high standard that you hold.
You can't just tell your kids to get a great education and then it's important.
53:54
They need to see that.
They need to see you pursuing your own education, learning, studying, reading.
And then, you know, like with us, we're discussing, we're regularly discussing things we've been reading about or learning about.
And so our children are brought up into that and pulled into that because we're interested about it.
54:12
We're passionate.
We're, we're really into the discussion or the debate or the topic or the, you know, like it's exciting and passionate.
And so they say, oh, well, this is interesting fun.
This is different.
This is new.
And we're exposing them to people who are far more educated than we are.
54:29
And we're, we're constantly learning.
And so they're watching us learning and we're taking the meat or, or be exposed to people who are far more talented than we are.
And so they see us on our own little journey, but they're being exposed to what's possible.
Exactly.
What's truly, truly possible in life instead of just merely existing in some little HOA somewhere?
54:50
So a key piece to this again is, you know, her question was like, well, is it so much easier for you because you live in your little bubble?
And the real answer is we have to be intentional about creating our own mini culture, our own family culture bubble.
55:06
And then we are the ones as the parents that have to do that work to intentionally bring in these different types of experiences that are attractive and appealing more so than the mediocre humdrum existence, right?
So that it requires research.
55:23
You can ask, chat, obviously, like see what's in your neighborhood, see what's going on in your community, what kind of events, what kind of experiences were like, how can you be a tourist in your own home, what your own town, what kind of adventures and other things are out there that you can do.
55:39
Like you don't have to go to the other side of the world to do this.
Of course, that's also a great option too.
But you can start on a weekly basis just doing more things that become more engaging.
And one thing we did that worked wonderfully for us is whenever we found ourselves living in a place where it didn't have the things we wanted or needed for the next level for our family, we realized we had to move.
56:05
It's true.
And it's like, well, be, be willing to move because what's more important than your family, right?
And what's more important than your children's future?
And and so you're like, well, you know, if the things we need, because we, we would move somewhere and it had the things we needed for that phase.
And then we'd realize, you know what, for the next phase of our development, like those resources aren't available here, we need to move.
56:27
And so we would pick up and move our entire family to another level of exposure and experience.
I can think of multiple times when that has happened, but most recently that's how we ended up in Portugal because we lived in Georgia, the state, and it was a great place.
We were there for COVID.
56:42
It was on a lake, and I remember when we moved there, like it was awesome.
We would go out paddle boarding or kayaking on our little lake.
It's next to a community pool.
But after three years, because we were there during COVID, I just knew it was too small.
Like that lake was too small for us.
56:59
Like we could not continue to explore or expand.
And I knew we needed more.
And of course, we ended up moving to Portugal.
And now like, talk about expansion.
We went from a lake to now the ocean.
We literally have the Atlantic Ocean like practically in our backyard, and it's almost like unlimited possibility, unlimited adventure is now available to us.
57:20
And that was what we needed for the next level.
We had to go to a different place where it had more of what we needed and wanted for our growth and development.
So yeah, sometimes that is a very real action step you need to take to be able to bring new life into your family.
57:39
I think really quick.
I want to say another thing is sometimes it is taking that big trip because the big trip is going to expose you to new people, new cultures, hopefully like minded people.
If you go on the right trip, like if you come on one of our trips, we're, we have amazing like minded families.
57:57
Like we already said, we're going to Nepal in September.
Like those are the types of things that will create memories that last a lifetime.
You'll never forget.
It transforms you, changes you.
Sometimes that's exactly what you need in order to prove to your kids that life is exciting.
58:17
So true and it makes sense doesn't if we if we want our kids to level up, then we have to level up.
So I have to rise to a new level so I can draw my kids up to their next level, but to keep climbing, expanding, you know, with the big trip idea.
So like Nepal and and we did Kilimanjaro last year, watching our kids think about it and prepare for it and train for it very often.
58:39
You know, our kids, meaning you listeners to like all, all children, they're not leaning into good things because they don't have a target, they don't have a goal, they don't have a big adventure coming up.
They're just existing and so what's the point?
But if you sign up for something epic, that kids not going to be like, man, I'm just going to sit around and do nothing with my life.
59:00
I'm going to watch tons of videos, be on my phone.
Like, man, I better train.
I better be out doing lunges in the front yard.
I have to tell my friends no while they're down playing their video games and eating junk food and getting unhealthy.
Like I'm I'm going to be outside doing lunges in my front yard listening to a phenomenal audiobook.
59:19
And that's what you're like.
Those are those proud parent moments.
You're like, yes, it's like my son's out front with a weight vest on doing lunges, listening to a great audiobook instead of down for.
Film and Jaro and an African safari.
Yeah.
Exactly.
It's so powerful.
59:34
Yeah, it's real.
OK.
So I think that those are the main points we want to emphasize that it's, it's not more about the relationship than the rules.
That's the foundation, of course, but you can't also have all relationship and no rules.
59:52
There needs to be standards, there needs to be boundaries like that is a necessary part.
Like I plead with you, please have very, very high standards in your family.
Yeah, please do that.
Don't make them rules.
Don't make them just yours.
1:00:08
And you enforce them.
You're not the police.
You're not the governor.
You're not the creator of the rules.
You're the teacher.
Yeah, You're out.
You're out finding the highest standards across time and space and culture and religion.
You're like, what are the highest laws?
Let's live by those.
1:00:23
And then you become the teacher and the mentor and the coach and and you become so persuasive that instead.
Of controlling.
Maybe the essence of parenting, of great parenting, is persuading your children to take ownership of their own high standards.
1:00:40
So, I mean, if I could boil it down to the essence of phenomenal parenting, it's getting your kids to own, even as part of their identity, the highest standards possible in life.
That is phenomenal parenting.
Yes.
So it's not focusing on control or punishment or discipline in order to keep those standards, but it's focusing on convincing and conviction with passion about why those standards matter and why they would be important for you as a family to pursue, but more importantly as an individual to pursue.
1:01:16
So that becomes their own.
And then of course, the last one is like, our lives have to be interesting.
They need to be more enticing and more attractive than the alternative.
If the alternative is literally more attractive, we're doing it wrong.
1:01:34
We have to prove with our results that what we're pursuing is worth it and worth the extra effort.
Because it is extra effort.
It's harder to not eat the doughnuts when you go to the church activity and they are serving doughnuts.
1:01:50
It's harder to get up and work out every day than to sit on your couch and do nothing.
It's harder to pursue a world class education than to play video games all day.
It is a harder path.
The reason why we are convinced and our children are convinced is because we've shown shown them it's worth it.
1:02:08
The results are better.
And so if we don't have that element, then of course it's going to be that much harder for us to convince our kids that it is worth it.
So the message and it's worth it.
Oh my God, I see as you're, as you're saying, it's, it's more effort, more work.
1:02:27
It's also so much more rewarding, yes.
And, and I think, oh, it's, it's, yes.
It requires some discipline and mastery and habits assistance.
Like it's so worth it.
Life is so much better when we're striving to be the best version of ourselves.
Well it reminds me of I've heard this before but I've seen it a lot recently on Instagram because of the algorithm I'm sure.
1:02:48
But it's the whole idea of choose your hard like either way life is hard.
And it also ties into like Buddha's two fold path, the easier looking path in the beginning ends up to be the harder path.
Like it looks easier to not work out, to eat junk to whatever.
1:03:05
But the hard at the end of it is for health, poor fitness.
It's easier to do the entertainment and the video games and the movies and all that.
But the hard is, you know, maybe it's poverty, poor mental health.
1:03:21
Like there's, there's a, there's a hard at the other side of that.
But if you choose your hard and you choose instead to discipline yourself with diet, with exercise, with education, then you actually get the easy stuff after that.
1:03:36
Like life becomes easier and more enjoyable.
You achieve more success and more wealth and more happiness as a result of choosing the hard early on.
And that's another one of those principles we've taught to our kids so they understand how this works.
Just because it looks easier in the beginning doesn't mean it's always going to be that way.
1:03:54
Pay the price for what you want, what you really, truly want and who you want to become.
Love it.
OK, Thanks for listening.
Thanks for being here.
Thanks for living on your kids and and being willing to strive and and level up and and do the work to be phenomenal parents.
It's worth every effort.
You guys parenting is, is tough, man.
1:04:11
It's it's the most rewarding occupation there is.
Period.
It is so awesome and so worth every effort.
So love on your yourself today.
Celebrate the good things you're doing and on your love on your spouse and and your kids.
1:04:28
Go tell them how much you love them, how proud you are of them and and lean in.
Set those standards this week and really start focusing on how you can be more convincing and converting to the high standards.
Love you guys, reach upward.
