The Secret to Getting Your Teen to Do Chores Without Nagging

Rachel Denning (00:00)
we've continually taught our children that technology is a tool, not a toy.

You want to have a great life? Be more.

responsible,

they actually gain some motivation to do the work.

it removes so much unnecessary struggle and suffering.

you don't rise to the level of your expectations, you fall to the level of your training.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. We are your host, Greg and Rachel Denning.

we are dedicated. We think about this, we talk about it, we live for it. We're dedicated to helping you get the tools and the tactics, the systems and the strategies to live life on your terms.

Not our terms, not anybody else's terms, but life on your terms, the life that you want to live, that you long to live, that you dream about. Your own extraordinary family life. Yeah. Whatever that looks like for you.

where we're different is while they're out, there's lots of people out there talking about pursuing dreams and creating wealth and doing all of these things.

But we're specifically talking about it as it relates to family life and the relationships that you have in your life. Because in the end, that's what matters most. Like nobody's going to get to the end with their Lamborghini and their expensive homes and feel satisfied if they don't have good relationships. And so that's where the family emphasis comes in is we want you to do all of those things. All the things you want to do, great. Do those things, but not at the sacrifice of your family.

And more importantly, I think is with an emphasis on raising great kids because that is ultimately the legacy you're leaving behind. It's the kind of children and the kind of family you create. And not that you, create your children into being these little, you know, robots or whatever that you design, but you help to mold and direct mentor and guide them into fulfilling their own potential.

That's the most important work you can do

and so that's what we want to talk about again today specifically as it relates to chores and family duties Well, yes, but also the whole underlying principle of like getting your kids to be engaged with life to help out to willingly want to participate in

all the family responsibilities. Well, yeah, to be responsible and to take on responsibility. Exactly. So that they're ready and willing to take on even more responsibility when they become adults.

I mentor a small group of youth and we talked about that yesterday. I'm like, want freedom? Be more responsible. You want to have a great life? Be more.

responsible,

like prepare yourself for more responsibility. Right. And it takes some real strategy and it does not happen by accident. It's not going to happen just because you think it should happen or just because you tell your kids to do it.

You have to be very strategic in

integrating it into your life and into their learning ultimately. And this isn't like homeschool or public school thing. This is just like life education.

It has to be integrated in an intentional way if you want your kids to pick up these skills. ultimately that's everything your habits of a successful life class is about.

we're going to specifically talk about teens here, but we don't want those of you without teens to just check out because the exact same principles and practices.

apply to your kids at any age, whether they're toddlers or young adults. And in fact, the way to get them to be helpful and engaged as teens is how you treat them when they are young.

So please pay close attention, no matter what age your children are. And then you're going to have grandchildren pay attention to these principles and practices here, because we've got to get this figured out.

this stuff works. It works like a champ and it removes so much unnecessary struggle and suffering.

why should you listen to us? Why should you be spending your time here?

This is why we have gotten the results.

our oldest is married now, and life is moving on for our older children. They are adults. have launched.

And getting the feedback from them of like,

Yeah, you guys did things right. And when I think when your own children tell you that and you have really, really great relationships with them, like great relationships, that's credibility in my mind.

In my Family Charts and Systems course, because I have a

teaching about how to do charts and systems with your family because that was one thing that made a huge difference in our life. Like before charts and systems, I felt like I was a mom without a personality. I was just a human being that met needs for everybody else and none of my own. And I felt, you know, disordered and chaotic. And then after charts, everything changed. Like that was a major transformation for our life.

I'm going to specifically talk about teenagers and getting them to be actively involved because at this moment in our life and family stage we're in our 13 year old son has primarily taken over the responsibility of keeping the kitchen and living area clean. He's taken that over for the past couple of weeks. He's doing such

Great job great job at it

So he is basically doing work from when he gets up until bedtime. So we're gonna talk about that. Why and how

in conjunction with a question that I received in my Family Charts and Systems course,

Somebody asked, I have a 17 year old, but this applies to 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, whatever. It applies to all the ages who's not motivated. Like I've made a chart. They're not motivated to do it. How do I get it done? How do I get them to be motivated? And so we want to talk through all of those very specific things. How do I get my children to be motivated and to willingly

Do chores and take on responsibility.

And so to clarify here, obviously you guys, you guys are obviously thinking through the numbers here. We're going to talk about our 13 year old son right now, because he's in the stage that where a lot of youth and a lot of parents struggle. But he is our

He's our fifth. There are four siblings above him. And all four of them are absolute rock stars. When it comes to helping carry the load in the family and do hard things willingly with a good attitude. They are absolute champs. yes, absolutely. But all of them went through the phase where

they didn't want to do that. And that's why we're talking about the 13 year old phase because that is the phase he's in. Despite everything I've described, his natural inclination is to do nothing. He would prefer to sit around and do nothing

without the strategies and

the family culture and all of the things we're talking about in place, he would be a normal kid.

So I think I'm gonna simply describe the process that has occurred. And this is a similar process that we, I would say we have used with at least, if not all of our older children, at least half of them, we have used a similar process.

Because like we said, our kids are not abnormal in that they don't have the normal human tendencies and that they wouldn't be normal.

quote unquote, normal children doing normal things, if it hadn't been for specific intervention. When we like to use the word intervention, because that's truly how we believe, we believe, that's what we believe it is. It's intervening into a course, a path that could lead in a direction that they don't want to go and we don't want them to go. Well, let's point it out. It is intervention because every human being in the human experience, you're either left

to a strategic action or default. You're either being proactive and active or passive and reactive.

But this is true everywhere in life and nature. If you want a garden and you go out and you you mark off a rectangle in your yard and say, this is my garden. And then you walk away and do nothing. Well, even if you threw some seeds on the ground or planted some seeds.

You're like, Oh yeah, so you throw out some seeds or whatever and you're like, Hey, there's my garden and you walk away and leave it. It is not going to be an awesome garden. It's not going to produce what you want to produce. if you planted because the weeds will overtake it and the, what you plant will die. It's not going to thrive. Nothing's going to happen. So if you leave it to default and be like, yeah, that's a perfect metaphor. You know, I put seeds in the ground. I cleared out and put seeds in the ground. It's like, Oh yeah, we procreated. We have a kid and hope this all works out. We're parents now. Yay. And then it's all going to work.

No, your kid's going to end up like your garden. Like it's just an absolute disaster for weeds.

So here's essentially what has happened.

This again is the, this is the normal course for things. So we aren't like completely anti-technology people.

Specifically during last year we did a it ended up being like a 19 country trip we backpacked much of it and For each of my children before that they were sharing devices, but for this trip specifically I bought each of them and I think an iPad or some Laptop so that they each had their own device to do studies while we backpacked through Europe Well that always has its pros and cons

One of the cons for this son

there were a few different instances where we caught him playing games or sneaking games that he shouldn't have been,

we've continually taught our children that technology is a tool, not a toy.

And when we've given them technology to use, specifically devices, it's with the intention of it's a tool, not a toy. when they use it, very, very clear.

We've always been very clear. So there's clear expectations and standards. When they use it as a toy, especially if they sneak it to play games and entertain themselves, that is a violation of the principle. The principle is the tool to improve yourself, not a toy to entertain yourself.

So when our children violate the principle of this is a tool, not a toy. And when soon as you start using it as a toy for entertainment, that's when you lose access to this privilege because ultimately it's also a privilege, not a right. And so that happened with this son. He lost

the privilege of using the device and then he can earn it back over time. Anyways, this happened multiple times, which is normal. It's all, this is also process we've gone through with, with almost all of our kids. Yeah. I think we have one that never has really abused it. Right. But

I guess that's, we're illustrating that this is a normal process of helping children and teenagers as they mature to learn how to appropriately use devices so that they then make their own good choices about them. Right.

So that happened. That's the underlying framework. want you to understand that first of all, there's principles in place and understanding of technology and its use. There's also an understanding that there are privileges that are not just rights. You don't just have this right to have an access to unlimited technology use and to unlimited internet use. That is not a right, right?

That's a privilege that you get to earn. That's worth emphasizing so hard there.

If you want an extraordinary family life, do not just hand over everything to your kids free and

Available like no way that that in no way shape or form is true to life, right? Everything in life is earned and so beyond being a child like when they're just little little they can't do anything beyond that Everybody earns well, and they need to begin earning those things incrementally and this is one of the great ways to teach them by something like device access

When they learn that there are certain privileges in life they have to earn through appropriate behavior or through appropriate choices, that's beginning the process of learning how to operate in the world and how to make good choices and how to be responsible and how to be accountable to people. And I think that's true with everything.

Now, we're not like super hardcore about this, but I start teaching it early on where even food, I'm like, food isn't a free ride here.

Like there's no place where it just the world just operates where food is just available for the taking

it's teaching the principle that your food isn't free. Right. And at the very least, what you need to do is wash your dish or put it in the dishwasher or the very routine. The very youngest are, yeah, we're like, Hey, you got to help clean up and do that. But then as you get older, you're like, no, you're helping in food preparation. Yeah. And then you're helping in cleanup.

and I'll buy the food and I'll provide it for you, but why don't you take care of mowing the yard and doing the laundry? Because we're do that. contributing to the family economy and the family system that is also helping to earn your food. Right. And so you're pulling your own weight, so to speak, is what we say in English. You're earning your own key.

I see this so many times and so many families, mom and dad do everything. They pay for the food. They go shopping. They come home. They put all the food away. They prepare all the meals and then they clean up afterwards. And all the kid has to do is show up, eat some food.

and then go back to whatever they want to do.

it's teaching these horrible, horrible principles and practices.

it's not empowering them for a life of responsibility ultimately it's disempowering you are disempowering your children when you have that kind of culture

And so at the very least, mean, based on what we're talking about today, how do you help your teens do chores? You can't just provide everything for them without at the very least explanations and expectations. They need to have it explained to them of how the world works and how you expect your family culture to work. I expect you to help out because I can't do everything myself nor should I. And this is how it works in the real world. You have to earn your keep. You have to earn.

your room and board. And that idea empowers them to be more competent and more capable.

perfect example is like if I, if I, you know, don't feel like it this month and I've always wanted to sit around and

binge watch Netflix and just do what I want. I just want to, I just want to take it easy. And then I'm like, well, oh shoot, I don't have any money. So I can't pay my utility bills or the internet. And so I call the utility company and be like, Hey, you guys mind like just keeping the power on and stuff? Cause I just didn't, I didn't feel like working this month. You know, I was just doing other stuff like nowhere, nowhere in the world is utility company. Like, Oh, you didn't feel like it or you won't feel well.

No problem. That's okay. We'll give you a free month. We'll cover it.

It seems like a silly example. And yet I feel like there are many parents taking that same approach where their kids don't feel like it or they're having a hard time or this or that or the other.

And I get that. We're not talking about being uncaring, unempathetic parents because we're not and we don't believe in that. But you can be caring and empathetic and still hold a standard and say, sorry, you still have to help out because I don't feel like working every day and I still do so that I can pay the bills. Again, not to be misunderstood. If our kids are sick, we're like stay in bed, rest, recovery, whatever. But if they're just, you can just tell they're being lazy. I'm like, sorry, man.

That, it doesn't fly. There's days I get up and I don't feel like doing what I need to do, but that's irrelevant. If it has to be done, I do it. Right.

So anyways, that is the underlying framework. Hopefully you're getting this picture because I'm stacking on top of it. Then of course there's the device usage. There was the misuse of device usage, which resulted in a device fast for this kit. So all of this, I'm telling you these things because all of these

play into helping a child to be motivated to do chores. And also with the understanding that that motivation is going to change depending on different circumstances, right? And so that's part of the challenge of being a parent is you have to learn how to adjust the motivation according to what's happening in their personal life.

Okay, so leading up to where we are today. He was on a device fast, but then we took on this big project, but this would apply whether you have a big project or not. And

Because he's on a device fast, which also included no audio books, this is important. You've got to understand. And in my family charts and systems, of course, I call this privileged based accountability.

So you're going off privileges, which we just talked about. Privileges are a lot of things, sometimes including food, but definitely including device usage, definitely including audio books or video games or fill in the blank of whatever your kid's privilege is, because there's lots of them. And honestly, starting around 12 years old, everything, everything is a privilege.

you decide when, you know what, this kid, this is starting to become a privilege for them. Not just a need or a responsibility. And you have to be careful about that. And it does require wisdom, but you can start to see that as they develop and grow,

Too many parents do too much trying to be kind, trying to, they think I want to be a good parent so they keep doing too much.

by nicely saying, hey, I'm loading the dishwasher right now. You can get your own drink of water. you can do that because I'm doing this that you can't. And as they get older, Your children should do everything that they're capable of doing. So as soon as they are able and their ableness really comes down to your training, they should be doing their own laundry.

and they should be taking care of anything that they can take care of. Exactly. And so you're still a good parent. In fact, in my estimation, it makes us better parents when we have our kids do things that they are capable of doing on their own.

Well, I think in many ways that is the definition of good parenting is you, over time, you do less and less and less for your children. And if you think about it on a lifetime, yeah, that's how it works.

You do everything for them when they're young, but then as you get really, really old, they do everything for you, right? It switches. You switch roles, but you have to make them competent enough that they're capable of taking care of other people besides themselves. And that's how, by allowing them to do more and more things themselves.

Kids, I'll point this out. Our children, our older children especially, are extremely competent. They can travel all over this globe by themselves and handle problems and difficulties and

and unexpected situations. missing flights in foreign countries. Yeah, they are champs literally because we have deliberately prepared them to do this. We've insisted that they take care of themselves as they are able. And as they started young and just grew and grew and grew and grew until now as late teens and early 20s, they are so capable and so competent because we as their parents led them to that.

by not doing things for them.

And here's the point. Here is how you motivate them to want to do that because I know you're thinking, well, yeah, I want them to do that, but how do I get them to do that? It's privilege-based accountability. When they have all of the privileges they want for free and they don't have to work for them, then they have no motivation to do the work. Exactly. Why? The privileges are how they get motivated to do the work.

So that's why there needs to be a system in place where they don't have automatic non-stop access to the privileges because then they actually gain some motivation to do the work.

And that brings me back to the story here with my son. He was on a device fast and we were planning to do the device fast for a long time, but because I'm here working on a project or whatever, just because I wanted to.

I said, I will allow you to listen to your audio book if you work for me. He gets one privilege in exchange for work.

And that works all day long. From the moment he gets up practically until he goes to bed, he will work nonstop because he gets to listen to an audio book. That's now that's how motivated he is by that thing. You pick your own privilege.

Okay, this is an important strategy. We want our kids to love things that are good for them. We want them to love Sports and activities that are good for them or edifying their uplift and we want them to love things That are good for us. And so then you're in this perfect

Perfect situation and scenario where your kids are Begging you for the ability the privilege to do something that you want them to do like listen the books. It's awesome

I do wanna give a couple more specifics about how we do this. Cause I know parents are gonna be having questions like, what if you just turn the audio book on, they're gonna be lost and gone. You'll never see them or, know, cause I know that happens.

I know that, so I work with that instead of against it. I know that he's getting lost in it, but I also know that it's that thing that's motivating to him right now. And so I'm using it to my advantage.

Not in a manipulative way.

It's with an understanding, he clearly understands this is a privilege and I explained it to him. I am allowing you to use this privilege right now, to have access to this privilege so that you will work for me while we are working on this project that's big and important to us.

and this is why I talk about motivated and willing. I don't have to ask him. He's literally begging me all day long for jobs to do. That's why the system works so amazing. He comes to me as soon as he's done and he's learned because I taught him. He used to come to me right away and then I'm like, did you do your morning routine? Have you brushed your teeth?

Fixed your hair, I can tell you haven't. Have you made your bed? Have you spent some time praying or whatever? Have you done these things first? And he's like, no, I haven't. We'll go back. Because you don't get access to the privileges until you've done those things. And we've been teaching about morning routines his entire life. He knows, like we all have morning routines. So he does this morning routine and then he's coming to me begging, what can I do? What jobs?

I'll load the dishwasher. I'll do this. I'll do that. I'll make breakfast for the girls. I'll do like, he's literally coming up with things he can do willingly. And so I say, okay, yeah, do that. Load the dishwasher and make breakfast for the girls. And then I do the screen time passcode for 15 minutes. That's it. 15 minutes. When that 15 minutes is up, he has to come back. He has to come back and check in with me. That's why I call it privilege based accountability.

He's got a report. I don't have to worry about checking up on him. I don't have to worry about following him around and making sure he did what he said he's going to do because as soon as that 15 minutes is up, he comes back to me.

and then I say, did you do the things I told you to do last time? And he'll check in and he'll tell me, yes, I did it or no, I'm almost done or I forgot sometimes. You're like, okay, we'll go back. And sometimes I'll say, we'll go back and do it. You don't get more time until you finish that. Which is absolutely genius because ultimately the ideal is that it is each person's responsibility to do good work.

and report back about the work done.

I do that 15 minutes at a time all day long. That's extremely interrupting to you. It is absolutely.

So the point is, yeah, there's interruption, there's annoyance, there's potential irritation. Hashtag worth it. Worth it. And the reason we say it's worth it, because I know that you might be thinking in your head, well, if he's motivated just because of the audiobook, that doesn't carry over to

being motivated for the sake of doing the work itself. Excellent question and argument. Yeah. And, and I could, I may not have an argument against that except for the fact that it's worked. Well, okay, here's why. The argument we have is proof and results and results don't lie.

And I wanted to point out that to answer your question, that people are naturally questioning. It's like, okay, well,

Do I have to do this indefinitely? And is that just an extrinsic motivator that will never become intrinsic? And I wanted to point out that for all four of our kids and for people I've coached, it starts out extrinsic, but very quickly becomes intrinsic where soon the child no longer needs the, the, the, the privilege for them to do the right thing. They get so used to it becomes a habit. get into it, they grow into it, they mature into it, become more responsible.

And then they realize, well, I'm just going to do it. I'm going to help out. I'm going to have a good attitude. I'm going to do hard work. And eventually they literally need nothing. They need no, you know, privilege. need no stimulus from us. They just get up, they get after it. They do their stuff. When you say, Hey, will you help us? Absolutely. And they come and help and they don't need anything anymore because you keep teaching them, you keep reiterating it and they get in the habit of like, well, I get up and I get about work because that's what a good life looks like. Right.

Well, I want to disagree with you in a little bit here just to emphasize a point, because you're saying they don't need anything from us and it just that happens. I don't think that's entirely true because the other thing that is happening is yes, he is externally motivated right now to do work. He's motivated by the audio book to do the work. But the other thing that's happening along the whole way is me saying things like, hey, I don't want you to just be motivated.

by the audio book, also want you to, know, because I will intentionally at times say, no, go do that thing without an audio book. Go feed the animals without an audio book. And then I emphasize, and I want you to have a good attitude about it, because remember that this is a privilege. And if you want to keep having this privilege, you need to do some of the work I ask without the audio book.

The other thing we do intentionally is,

We praise him, we give him feedback and say, I'm so proud of you, you've been so responsible. You're doing such a great job. You're so grateful that you're doing this. It's so helpful, it's so needed. Like we're emphasizing all of the internal reasons, the internal motivations, we're emphasizing those. And you're right, doing the behaviors, actually doing the work, right? Rather than sitting around and doing nothing.

it gets him into the habit. gets the biochemistry going. It gets him used to feeling good about working. gets him used to being active. And so you're creating the habit and all of the biochemistry that is then training, literally training his body, brain, mind, emotions to, if you want to use the word, get addicted or get used to or be conditioned to.

doing these things doing the work along with the praise and the encouragement and the Positive feedback all of that goes into working and creating What you're talking about this thing where it becomes natural and normal for him to do that

And that's that's happened with all of our kids and of course the underlying current is that we're also modeling We're also setting the example. We're doing that. So he sees it from us. He sees it from his older siblings we are

We are actively engaged in a good life and doing work. all day long like he is. We're not sitting around telling him to work and then saying... With a good attitude. mean, we're all over it. it's no shocker to him that we... Like this is how we do it. So just in this stage and this temporary period of training or conditioning, trying to emphasize it, we're using...

specific extrinsic or external motivator privilege a privilege and accountability to get him through this this temporary state where he realized yeah this is how we roll

so it leads to the ultimate goal of them being attentive, aware, helpful, capable, willing adults who it's awesome. It is awesome.

And so this is one specific strategy that we use to help get them to that place.

if you just let your kids do whatever thinking, they'll grow out of it, the reality is they're not really going to. They're not gonna just naturally grow out of it. They have to be trained out of it.

And it goes back to that quote that we love about archilochus, you don't rise to the level of your expectations, you fall to the level of your training.

And that's so true in our family life. And when we're raising our kids, our kids are not going to rise to our expectations. Just because we have the expectations does not mean they are going to rise to them.

But what they will do is they are going to fall to the level of their training. And right now, specifically in this example, our son is in training. He is being trained to work and he's going to fall back to that work when he's 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, because he has been trained to do it now.

I these are all just great relevant life lessons and it works like a champ. Love it. Yes. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being here. Thanks for Karen. Lead your kids. Again, train, don't accept the default.

Don't allow the default to be the default. Be deliberate, be intentional, be proactive, lead your kids into the behaviors you want them to do consistently and figure out the systems and strategies to make it work. And man, it works. And the results are worth every bit of effort to make it happen. Love you guys. Reach out for it.