Results Don’t Lie: Become the Parent Your Kids Believe

In order for you to have good strong psychology and mental health, you have to be uncomfortable sometimes. Like it that's just how it works. It's my responsibility and your responsibility as parents to facilitate the experiences and cultivate that growth, but it's not my job to do the training. They're looking at our life and they're seeing the results. Results don't lie. Hey there, this is Greg Denny. We want to reach as many people as possible and help as many families as possible with these conversations. And we want to keep this podcast ad free forever. You can help us do that by subscribing on Spotify or Apple Podcast or wherever you listen, your favorite platform and on YouTube. And leave a quick review and share your favorite episodes with friends and family. It makes a big difference. Thank you for being a part of this very important movement. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life Podcast. We are your hosts, Greg and Rachel Denning. Whatever you do, my friends, whatever you do, do not just remain where you are. Mhm. That's one of the worst things we can do in life is just sit down and stay there. U it's like I think it was John Wayne that said, even if you're on the right track, if you just sit there, you'll get run over, right? It's like you got to get up and move. M you know in in 25 plus years of of voraciously studying peak performance and human development I found that the the best course of action is to commit to change to commit to level up. So do not stay where you are. So it's not just like oh I'm going to lose this amount of weight or I'm going to make this amount of money. It's like this becomes a part of your daily rhythm, your daily routine of healthy eating, exercising, adding value to the world, building a business. like it's it's just it's identity and a way of being, right? So, so if I wanted to switch if I'm if I'm um let's say I was smoking and I wanted to stop smoking, the the first and most important thing I do is change my identity of like I don't do that. Wait, smoking I don't smoke. I'm I'm not I'm not a smoker. I don't do that. And people be like, "Oh, you want to smoke?" "No, I don't smoke." Yeah. They're like, "Hold up. What? Like last week I saw you smoke?" "Yeah, I don't smoke." And it's not like I'm I'm stopping. I'm quitting. I'm taking a break. It's like I don't do that, right? Or if it's something new, it's like, oh yeah, I work out every day. You're like, you worked out a day in your life. And this is going to come from your own family. Your closest family and friends are going to be the ones like, "What? Who who do you think you are?" You're like, "That's who I am. I'm a new person, right? I am a new person." That is awesome and powerful. But it's not that we succeed more at achieving our goals because we have more discipline or willpower or whatever. I mean, yeah, we do. But we've developed that. But really, but no, it's cultivated. Really, the key is the habits. We've made them into habits so that and they're sustainable habits. We're not writing systems that make it easy. What I'm achieving is is doable. It's obtainable because it's a part of the journey. It's a part of the process. It's make it enjoyable. All of those are the keys to actually achieving your goals rather than this elusive thing people think about what it is that it's really not. And I'm so crazy excited. We have a new parenting course that is going to be so transformative and and answering your questions and giving you the tools and strategies, the systems to actually make it work and get the results you want. Okay, let's go. Where's the balance between preparing our kids for the realities they will face, which will require them to get uncomfortable at times, and keeping them in a nice safe mental place. In order for you to have good strong psychology and mental health, you have to be uncomfortable sometimes. Like it that's just how it works. Absolutely. So it's actually it's one of the ingredients to a great mental emotional health is being uncomfortable. And so those those things go together. If I think that as the parent I have to be the one putting pressure on my kids, that's a danger. That is a dangerous Yeah. It's a dangerous approach. It's a dangerous tactic cuz you think, well, okay, my kids need to be ready for whatever life can throw at them. True. They need to be able to handle stress and pressure. True. They need to be gritty and tough. True. So then if I go, "Oh, so that means it's my job to make them that way." Well, kind of true. It's my responsibility and your responsibility as parents to facilitate the experiences and cultivate that growth, but it's not my job to do the training. I want to inflict the to inflict the pressure, pain, or stress, right? Like my kid's going to be tough. I'm going to beat him. Like that's not going to turn out so well. You want your children to be prepared to handle the world, the dangers, the challenges. You want them prepared for that. But the way that happens is not by you being the one to inflict it to inflict it, but by being the one that they are literally anchored to while they're experiencing while they're experiencing the stress. Rarely rarely and and this is so important. Rarely have we ever forced our kids to do things, right? It has always been this formula. Let's go together to encounter something challenging and difficult. Do as much as you can. I'm going to encourage you. I'm going to praise you. I'm going to model for you and you're going to do all you can and as soon as you can't do it anymore, I'm going to carry you for the rest of the way. So, I never did anything that damaged the relationship. In fact, everything I was doing while exposing them to challenge and difficulty, I was strengthening. Yeah. Strengthen. Our bond was closer, right? And they kept growing in stamina, strength, endurance, grittiness, and like you pointed out, the desire to do that. I think that The part of the reason this is and this is why it can be so challenging is because we did talk on it before I think about developing self-awareness. We've helped them to develop their self-awareness so that they know what their limits are. And we haven't been the ones saying, "No, that's not your limit. You can do more. You've got more in you." Blah blah blah. It's been I I know you have something to say about that because I know there's a place for that. But it has been for the most part when especially when they're young, if they've said, "I'm tired. I can't do it anymore." We believe them. You know what I mean? Yeah. We'll we'll push back on it a little bit, but not to the point of like, but it's always gonna have to do it. It's always from a place of encouragement of like, oh, you are so tough. Like, you can do this. I I bet you can make it to that tree. And then carry him or like I wonder if you can make it that rock. Like, I don't think I can. I'm like, let's try it. Come on. Let's go. You got this. And they get up there and we celebrate the crap out of it and then pick them up. So, they're like, okay, wait a minute. If I push my limits, there's there's an end. There's relief. Exactly. There's that he will pick me up. And I I thought that that was that's what I was going to actually emphasize here because then we didn't just then do that again. So that they felt like, wait a second, dad said he would carry me when we got there and then he didn't. He made me keep going more. That's when you break that level of trust, I think, in the relationship because they're like, "Why? Why would I why would I push myself because I don't trust you to do what you said you would when we got there." So, that's another key element of it that's very important is that when we said, "Oh, yeah, go to that rock and then I'll carry you." Well, you actually did that. And so, they knew that they could trust that. And so, you build this relationship of trust that helps them have that strength and fortitude and grit that they need. We're also not saying you have to be h super human and you know do everything but you should be a super dad and and you should this is this is one of the reasons why you have to work out why you have to train. Well moms too like yeah if you got to carry if you have chubby babies like we did you got to carry those little chubby things everywhere. That's what many parents perhaps don't realize is like if you want to have a fun and exciting life you have to carry most of the load. You go travel the world and have incredible experiences and expect that your kids are going to be able to handle all of it like you would handle it. You have to do your part less more. You have to cover the where their weaknesses are. That's my job as a husband and a father is to pick up the slack. Now, if if I take on the responsibility, but I'm grumpy and I'm unpleasant and I'm stressed and I'm angry and bitter and reactive, um, like a lot of good dads are, it's like, guess what happens? The wife and the kids hate vacations and they hate hiking and they hate whatever dad gets so stressed and he's always so I'm being bitter. Like, everything we're talking about right now for how to get our kids to be able to handle stress and pressure, we have to make it attractive. We have to model the way. And and I got to I got to throw down here a little bit. If if you listeners are not personally doing really hard things on a regular basis, but you're telling your kids to do it, they see right through that crap. And it's just a bunch of hypocrisy. We have to be chasing challenge and they have to see it. And it has to has to register on their scoreboard, not mine. Well, I think the interesting thing is yes, it does have to register on their scoreboard, but it also has to register on your scoreboard. If I'm not actually facing and doing the things that are hard for me, right, then I'm actually not walking the walk or talking the talk. Like, I have to be facing my own fears and and building my own muscles that are weak, right? in metaphorically in order for me to actually be living the message that I'm trying to teach to my kids. I love it. You teach who you are. You can't hide that about yourself. It's there no matter what. That's so powerful. So so profound. Our kids are growing up and they're seeing seeing what happens at home and they're hearing what's being taught at home. But then they're also seeing what's happening in their community, in their church, on their sports teams, their in the choir, in the orchestra, then their friends, and then their peers. And now social media, which is literally international. So now they're seeing all these people get on. And and what's tricky about social media especially is there's no behind the scenes. And so they can get on and they can see, oh, this, that, and the other, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And less than 30 seconds. Yeah. And it's like, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. and and people get on and post and there's so there's so much fakeness um and facade and and masks on social media where you know they just portray oh all I do is this and it's amazing and they don't see behind the scenes just a total train wreck of a life it's a dumpster fire and so so you're right so our kids are are being exposed to all those things so what's and and I love the ideal there of like we bring our home our kids home we're we're doing home education we're we're pursuing excellence and greatness in all kinds of ways. We want our kids to be healthy and wealthy and happy. We want them to get a world-class education. We want them to be entrepreneurs and business owners and leaders and and just have this incredible life. That's great. My vote is we keep those ideals. Yeah. Keep the ideals. So then as we're going along like, wait a minute, how do we how do we actually get those results? Because we can have the ideals and we can all be delusional rather than like, no, this is how it's going to be. This is what you're going to do. We thought early on it's like, well, okay, here's here's what it takes to be a parent and and I'll be this parent to my seven kids. Well, that's not how it works. If you have seven kids, you have to have seven sets of parenting skills because each kid is different, right? Two things come to mind when I'm when I think through this. Number one is we have to adjust. Every time I get hit in the face, which happens a lot, I have to look, okay, why did I get hit in the face? What's happening? So now I got to learn how to duck and weave and dodge and reposition myself and and learn from that. Otherwise, I'll just keep getting hit in the face. Or unfortunately, like many people, you hit in the face and they're like, "Okay, I'm done. I'm never doing that again." I can't tell you how many people I've met like, "Oh, I tried business once. It failed. I'm I'm done. I'm never doing that again." Like, "Wait, you tried once? What' you What' you do?" And you're like, "Well, I did it." They're like, "Well, no wonder it didn't work." That's your attempt. Yeah. It's too risky. It's too much. I got, you know, we lost a bunch of money. I'm out. Mhm. Like you can't start a business without losing lots of money. Like I haven't seen it done. It's just that's that's the nature of it, right? And so you have to get back up, learn from it, keep going, knowing full well you're going to take a couple steps forward and get hit again by something else you didn't see coming and but then you learn from that and you walk forward and get punched again. So yeah, it's brutal. That's definitely a part of parenting in general. whether you're homeschooling or not, you're going to have these ideals and this because you know while we're saying, "Yeah, it's not up to me to decide what my child's going to be like you're going to be a lawyer or whatever." But going back to the original statement or question here is like, "Yeah, we want them to be prepared. We want them to have grit. We want them to be able to take on challenges, but if if we have that ideal and we're striving to teach that, but then we're getting quote punched in the face, then that and this is what we're trying to emphasize here. This is always a sign that we have to change our strategy. At least for me, that's what it's become. Yep. Because in the past, it would be I would get hit like that. I would be like, "Oh my gosh, we're failing. Our kids are going to be failures. We're never going to make any money. We'll never travel again." It was like defeatism. It would be extreme. That used to be my go-to response. But then I just started to learn that, oh no, actually just means need to learn something here. There's something I'm missing. something I didn't know. I have to adjust my strategy. How do we actually maintain those ideals while still adjusting our strategy so that our kids actually listen or want to opt in or want to actually make this a part of their own life, especially as they go into the teen and adult years. So, I'm constantly adjusting, adapting, and and trying new things. I'm learning cuz if if ever if ever I attempt something it's not working, I stop and say, "Well, I I have to do something differently. I have to learn something else. I have to try a different approach." And I never let myself say, "I've tried everything." Because I realized that's it's a lie. We always we love to throw that out there. I've tried everything. No, you tried like six things. That's everything. No, it isn't. It's like if you think that's everything, you don't know enough, right? Which is always the case for all of us. We don't know enough. And so I just keep a a new approach, new approach, new approach, new approach. Learn, learn. Read five more books. New approaches. And then I'm like, there it is. I got it. So I'm not I'm not going to throw in the towel. I'm not going to say I tried that, it didn't work. I tried everything. I'm looking at me, right? But this is what works for me. I always look at me at the source of my problems. Yes. Okay. So this is actually what I want to emphasize here because I think this is the most important piece that we live by and what we teach. If we are facing any problem in our life and that could be with our children, that could be with our business, our finances, our health, we always turn inward and say what am I doing to create this problem, right? Not I need to point this out. I'm a loser. I'm a failure. I'm horrible. I'm terrible. Like it's always my fault. And I never I don't have to tear myself down. And and and I think this is important to emphasize here because a lot of people think if well if I take that approach of like oh it's look for the the source of the problem in myself then oh I'm going to beat myself up. I won't like myself. No one I'm unlovable. I'm not talking about that at all. Has literally nothing to do with my likableness, lovableness, my self-worth. Nothing. I just I'm doing it wrong. It's not me. It's not my identity. It's not like Greg is a terrible human being because he failed at that business strategy. It's like, whoa, wait, stop. I was just doing that strategy wrong. So, I adjust. I adjust and I keep adjusting. I keep learning. I'm learning from experts. I'm not taking advice from people who don't have the results I want without beating myself up, without lowering any my own self-worth or self-esteem. I'm I'm looking for something I can do differently. Right. I feel to me it's actually the ultimate source of power. Absolutely. Besides God, you know, when we take individual responsibility, we are taking full power. We're actually taking all the power into our control. And that's where true power lies. As long as we continue to blame our child and be like, you know what, it's their fault. Reason we have a crappy relationship is because of them or the reason I failed is because of the the economy. As long as we continue to place blame in other in other areas, we give we're literally giving away our power. So for us in order to achieve, accomplish, do everything we have done and continue to do, it's by taking that power back by saying, first of all, what did I do to contribute to this? Because no matter what happens in the world, there's always something we did or did not do to make it worse, right? No matter what happens to us, somehow we made it worse by our actions. And then what can I do to make it better? Really, that's essentially what we're we're constantly doing. If my kids aren't listening to me, and by listening, not like they sit there and hear me and and nod their head, but like they believe me and live by it, that's how I know my kids are listening, when they of their own will do it. When my kids live it in the world. Yes. On their own. So, not like just because I'm watching and I'm threatening them, but like on their own without me even around, they get up and they do it. I'm like, they listen to me. I have legitimate influence with my kids because they're doing it. So now if my kids hear me say one thing and they hear some rando on social media or a friend or a peer or whatever they go and and say something else. If my kids are more inclined to believe then to believe me I have to come back and look at me. I have to look at because if I don't live the message I suck as the messenger. That is so important. And if if I suck as the messenger, then my kids are going to question me all endlessly and they're going to willingly believe somebody else. And the the core element here is that results don't lie. And so if my kids see my results, they they're undeniable. And here's here's why. Because I hold myself to the silent film

and and and a results test. Would my results and a silent film test hold up in a court? Would the jury convict me of living by what I teach and believe? When you're saying results don't lie, they're looking at our life and they're seeing the results. We've traveled to 60 countries. We make great money working from home. We do work that we love. We like like we we have an incredible life. We have a charmed life, as my own mother likes to say. We impact a lot of people and then then they come and they come on our trips and they come stay and they come to our events and they come to our retreats and they come to our resort and our kids have been watching that for years over over a decade. They've been watching that and they're like, "Okay, this is working. Results don't lie." And not just for us, but for the people we influence now. So, they're seeing all that, too. And it is playing out. The reason why I'm bringing this up is not to like, oh, brag about us. We're so amazing. But I'm trying to illustrate something that in your own life and and again that's the whole point of extraordinary family life like the whole point of this podcast. We're not just talking to normal people living normal lives. We're talking to those of you who want to live extraordinary lives. But if your life is in some way not extraordinary and again I'm not saying you have to be you know like perfect or doing what we're doing even like but but but you have to be pursuing your own unique dream unique extraordinariness. Yep. Right. And if you're not living that if you're if you're pursuing your own ordinariness right they're going to look at you and be like why should I listen? Yeah. Why should I be putting in the extra effort? Why should I be doing all these things? You're saying we have an ordinary life just like they do, except ours is harder and more work. Yes. What is the point? Yes. Oh, it's so good, Re. So, as you're talking about this, this is what's coming to my mind. It's like, okay, yeah, you're right. If our kids are beginning to doubt or wonder like what's the point of all this effort because you're you're not any different than the neighbors, mom and dad, then that's that lessens our influence because they're they are legitimately asking why why all the extra work. There's no reason to put in all the extra work if we're really just going to have the same result ordinary life. Yeah. And the same mediocrity, right? I am constantly telling my children, why do we eat healthy? Yeah, because my dad died at my age. It's crazy. It is crazy. Well, and then then the most common, okay, here's a classic example, right? It's like, so I tell my kids one thing and I show them the example and then they go out into the world and they hear and see the other examples, the opposite. And so Kimble went out and he was with this group of men and that were my age and they were all, you know, all guts, all tired, like this is exhausting. I can't do this. And and they're all out of shape and eating garbage and saying, "No, once you're 40, it's all downhill. there's just nothing you can do about it. And Kimble's sitting there in his mind, he was just like listening to these guys talk, but knowing me and what I do. And and he he had enough courage to speak up. He's like, "No, my my dad's not like that." And they were like, "No, man. Your dad's just lying. He's just pulling stuff off. No way." He's like, "No, my dad's like jacked." And like he does crazy hard things. Nah. Like he must be taking something or whatever. And and so they there's no way. And he told me otherwise he's laughing. He's like, so it's I guess an example what you're talking about is like here's what my dad says and does and here's what all these other men are saying and doing about guys in their 40s and he's like well suicide I know which one's true which path should I pursue exactly which who should I believe and which path should I pursue like it has to be obvious to them where they're like yeah I clearly want different results so I'm going to listen to my parents because they have different results I forget that this is a thing. And so I feel like that's why I want to mention it now. Like it was part of our results. You and I literally have no illnesses, no diseases, and we take no medications. Not one. Nothing. And we have tons of energy and stamina. Nobody takes any medication. Not a thing except when we're sick and I take some ibuprofen or some acetaminophen. Like that's it. We don't take anything. And we are in excellent health. So that is a result that doesn't just happen by accident. We're not just lucky. That is a result that we have gotten. And so yes, our children look around, they go out into the world, they see everybody sick and overweight, taking all the medications for mental, emotional, physical illnesses, all of that. And like you also said, we have tons of energy. Like tons of energy, all natural. And you guys, we're happy. And we're happy. Every This isn't an act. There's not a show like arguing, yelling, screaming. None of that is going on. We're happy. We have fun together. We love to be together. We are healthy naturally. We're wealthy. Like, we have the results. You know, I one of the first times we failed, I remember thinking, I guess it's just a pipe dream. You just can't live a dream life. It's not possible. It's not possible to have and do the things you want to have and do. But that's a lie. It is possible. The punch in the mouth is teaching you how to make it possible. Just like Marcus says, the obstacle is the way. That is the way to figuring out how it is to get what you want. So, you have to adjust your strategy. You have to ask yourself questions like, "Hey, if my kids aren't believing me, why are they not believing? Why do they not see what I see? How have I not helped them to see it?" Yeah, that's the question. I love that. How am I failing to be more convincing? Yeah. I mean, because if you have the results and if you have in your mind an obviously better life, then then the failure may be that you just haven't helped them see that. The world operates by laws and we need to figure out those laws and then we need to teach our children what those laws are. For me, that's all it's about. Our high ideals are achieved through keeping laws to get you there. And that's all I'm doing. I'm teaching my children, hey, here's the law. Here's the law of how to achieve this outcome. So, I guess this is what I want to hold up as an ideal. There's a place where the discomfort of hard things can become enjoyable is yeah, but so like the I can do I can do a cold plunge and I'm I'm having a blast. It's It hurts, but it's it's like, okay, when we were up in Norway in winter and we're jump with all the kids, everybody, and we're in there, especially with my boys, with Parker and Kimble, we were in there like 2 to three minutes. It hurt so bad. Your whole body is just snowing outside, screaming. And we were 225 miles north of the Arctic Circle at night. It Oh, man. It hurts. And we were having a blast. And then we're doing back flips off the top. I mean, we're having this great time in pain. So, when we're climbing on the mountains, when we're when we're working out hard, it's like just we're dripping sweat and like muscles are burning. You're like, "This is awesome." And I guess that's what I'm saying. There there's this spot and food. Food food, for example, is like a lot of people like, "But it's this burden. I I can't drink soda and eat junk food. I just have to sit here and eat this steak and these eggs and uh We've never done that. In fact, our kids come home like, "I miss home cooking. This food is so good and so good for you. There's no burden there. It's a better life." It is. And I I agree with you 100%. But I do have to point out that I think ironically and probably just because this is how it is. This is how the universe works. This is how God set it up. When you make that initial change and switch or when you begin to make that switch, it is painful. Yeah. It is suffering when you like you and I can have very difficult conversations and we can still laugh and and joke and have fun even if I'm crying even if I'm bothered even if you're upset. At first it was very hard, very uncomfortable. Difficult conversations was nothing but pain and suffering and I wanted to avoid it at all costs because I'm like I do not want to confront this topic with my spouse. Yeah. And so it seems like something you should avoid forever. It's always more painful in the beginning. Yeah. So, I guess that's an excellent point, right? So, when we start having those difficult conversations, we start addressing all, you know, of our inner issues, all the Yeah. all the emotional stuff from my past, the fact that I'm out of shape. I start working out. It's so hard. Everything's harder in the beginning. But I was just thinking while you're talking about difficult conversations, once you start working through them and you resolve them for good, there's fewer and fewer and fewer skills of resolving them, right? Well, and there's less of them because because you get good at it, because you face it, because you work through it, like it it just goes away. I think part of the reason is because we have the skills of doing it. So, it's resolved quicker. So, it it feels like less of a deal where I remember it used to be like, you know, maybe days we wouldn't talk or we'd be bristly or cold or distant and that doesn't happen anymore because we're able to resolve something within minutes or hours at most, right? So it becomes like the famous quote like that which you persist in doing becomes easier for you to do. Not that the nature of the thing itself has changed but that your ability to do has increased. Exactly. Like you become better at doing those things. But yeah, at first it is way hard. It is hard to have those conversations. It's hard to start working out. It's hard to talk to your kids and inspire them and do all these things. But you have to do it and do it with a smile. And that's the only way to get better at it is just by doing. Yep. Love it. Love you guys. Reach up first.

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