Nov. 6, 2025

Joyful Kids Start with You: How to Model Real Happiness

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If you’re tired of “performing” patience, authentic calm parenting shows you how to raise your emotional baseline so kids can genuinely imitate joy. In this video, we teach a morning biochemistry reset (water, breath, sunlight, movement), the story-shift that turns chores into connection, and trigger-processing tools (journaling, breathwork, the jukebox swap) so you lead from real peace, not pretense. Model joy consistently and your kids will mirror it—clean house or not.

Do your kids “catch” your stress—and you hate how quickly the mood at home drops?

What if the fastest way to raise happy kids is to model authentic joy (not fake calm)—even while cleaning a messy kitchen?

In this video, we unpack how parents set the emotional tone at home—and why your child has been watching you from birth to learn how to do life. You’ll learn how to raise your emotional baseline on purpose (water, breath, sunlight, movement), process triggers so you’re not pretending, and lead with real peace your kids can imitate. You can’t fake it—kids feel the truth—so let’s build the real thing.

What you’ll learn:

Modeling vs. masking: why kids imitate your state (and can’t be fooled)
Story → state: how the meaning you give messes determines your mood
Morning biochemistry reset: water, breath, sunlight, movement = instant uplift
From nagging to leading: make chores joyful by choice, not drudgery
Triggers, then tools: journaling, breathwork, micro-meditations, and the “jukebox” swap (remove the old CD for good)

Key Takeaways

✅ Parents create the climate—kids grow the weather

✅ Authentic calm beats performative patience (they can tell)

✅ Biochemistry is leverage: hydrate, breathe, move, sunlight

✅ Choose joy while you work—easier to recruit help

✅ Process & replace triggers so old songs stop playing

Memorable Quotes

🗣 “The easiest way for our kids to feel joy is for parents to model it.”

🗣 “We’re the adults. We have to be the adults.”

🗣 “You can’t fake it. It has to really be there.”

🗣 “Is it possible to have joy while I’m cleaning the mess? Yes.”

🗣 “Happiness isn’t the reward at the end—it’s the way.”

Chapters

00:00 The Essence of Happiness in Family Life

02:03 The Struggle Between Doing and Being

03:09 Modeling Joy for Children

03:47 The Role of Triggers in Parenting

05:59 Choosing Emotions in Daily Life

06:31 Finding Joy in Everyday Chores

07:31 The Impact of Environment on Happiness

09:47 Teaching Children Through Example

11:09 Morning Routines: Setting the Tone for Positivity

13:14 Processing Emotions: The Key to Emotional Freedom

17:18 Authenticity in Parenting: The Importance of Genuine Emotions

RESOURCES:

Let us help you in your extraordinary family life journey.

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0:00

The easiest way for our kids to fill joy and happiness is for parents to model for them joy and happiness.

We.

Think, Oh well no, I'm a victim to their behavior.

Is it possible to have that joyful state while I'm cleaning up the mess?

0:15

Your children have been watching you from birth to learn how to handle life.

We're the adults.

We have to be the adults.

You can't fake it.

You can't pretend it has to really be there.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the extraordinary family life podcast where your host Greg and Rachel Denning day.

0:32

We're going to talk about being genuinely and truly happy and joyful and excited for life.

Because if if you stop and think about it honestly, like how do you measure life and and the quality of your life?

How do you measure a time period or a moment or a day?

0:49

Well, it's like how you.

Feel specifically connected to.

How do you measure the happiness of your children's childhood?

Yes, right.

It's based on what you said is how you feel, the feelings you have, the feelings your children have in everyday life.

1:08

That is the essence of their childhood.

Because it's coloring their experience, which then of course colors and paints their memories exactly.

So hey, what was your childhood like?

Blah.

Or there's a lot of fighting.

Or it was OK?

1:24

Well, because we launched the Extraordinary Parent Mentoring Method course, we had the participants go through a form that they filled out talking about their biggest pain points, their biggest problems, and then of course, their ideal, like their vision.

1:41

What is it you want to create?

What is it that you want to have more of a common denominator in everything people wanted to have included?

I want to have more peace.

I want to have more joy.

I want to have more love, more connection in the the moments of life.

1:59

I want my kids to remember a positive childhood.

I want them to just feel my love for them and to know that I love them.

And it was interesting to me as I thought about that because because of course, and I relate to this as a mom, one of the things standing in their way was this never ending To Do List, this whole plethora of jobs and chores and charts and things that have to get done right.

2:30

It's like we have this idealized vision of what motherhood looks like.

And if it doesn't look like that, you know, we picture rosy cheeked clean children in beautiful clothing and a clean house.

And while that's amazing, like when that happens, that's amazing, but it's rare.

2:46

And so if we think we can only have that peace and joy and rest when all of that's in place, well, we're never going to have it or we're very rarely going to have it.

And so the key then is not to wait for it to, for those situations for it to occur, but to learn how to have that peace, joy, rest in the messes, in the chaos.

3:10

When parents come to us and talk about how they want to have more joy, more peace, more love, more calm at home, rather than the chaos and anger and frustration and irritation they're having.

What they don't realize, and this is the hard, uncomfortable truth is that they are the creators of those problems and they don't believe that and they don't want to believe it.

3:36

One, because it is painful, but two, it feels so much easier to blame it on the kids.

It's like, no, they're the ones who are doing the annoying things.

They're the ones who are making the messes.

They're the ones that are causing this chaos and creating this anger.

3:53

But the truth is that's not true.

The truth is it's coming from us.

It's starting with us.

We are the ones who are either bringing that to the dynamics, right, because it's the way we respond to the things that actually generates the anger.

4:15

Which is super important because like I, I'm in my bedroom, I wake up, wow, I feel amazing.

I feel so good.

I walk out and wow, the kitchen is a disaster and the kids are going after it.

So then there goes all my good feelings, right, right.

So it feels like, contrary to what you're saying, how could this be me?

4:34

I was, I was fantastic.

They ruined it, right?

That's what it feels like and This is why it's so difficult to understand this nuance because even though it feels that way, that they are the ones that inflicted that emotion on you of like, OK, I was calm, I was feeling good and now I don't because of what they did.

4:56

When you begin to learn how under how psychology works, how emotions work, you realize that it's simply our interpretation in another way, the story we're telling ourselves.

Even if it's all.

Even if it's instantaneous, right?

5:12

Because you're like, I'm not telling myself a story.

It's the meaning you give what is happening that causes your emotions about that thing.

And so we think, Oh well, no, I'm a victim to their behavior.

When the reality is their behavior is simply revealing something that's already in us.

5:36

The anger is already there.

The frustration, the irritation, the annoyance, it's already there and they're triggering it.

If it's not, and and we know this because we worked on this ourselves and we've helped clients do it, when you remove that, then you can't be triggered.

5:52

And so they can do the same exact behavior and you don't respond in the same way because that trigger is gone.

And all of us have these things.

We all have triggers because we have trapped emotions.

We have things that happen in our own childhood.

6:08

We have unresolved trauma.

We have unresolved issues.

Like that's just the nature of being a human being.

It's not like we've any of us have escaped from that.

We haven't.

We all have some of them.

And so when we begin to realize that these feelings we're having because quote, UN quote, what our kids are doing or the misbehavior actually has more to do with US then with them, we begin to realize that, oh, when I resolve these things, it's so easy to come with that positivity.

6:40

It's so easy to bring that love to the family.

It's so easy to bring that into my parenting.

So everything these parents are talking about in this survey, they're filling out of like, I want to have more joy.

I want to have more peace, saying yes, absolutely.

But that doesn't come by changing the circumstances.

6:57

It comes by changing yourself.

You and I used to feel and, and many people still do, it's like, well, OK, I hear you and that's a nice idea.

But you know, you might in your head right now, you might be thinking, I literally cannot be happy and joyful if my house is a mess or if my kids are fighting, right?

7:15

And that's again, there's a perfect example of what you were talking about earlier is like, that's the story we're telling ourselves.

That's a rule we've created and in our heads, like, but it is, that's just the way it is.

I literally cannot be joyful if there's clutter everywhere and and that's not true, in fact.

7:31

There is research out there that shows, especially for women, but I think it's true for men, that a cluttered environment does lead to more stress.

That's true.

So we're not trying to say like we're discounting all of that and it's all just inside.

It's all in your head, but what we are trying to say.

7:48

Is that it's all in your head?

No, I'm not.

Actually.

I'm not trying to say that.

What I am trying to say is that part of it is in your head.

Because if you believe, if you fully believe, I cannot be happy unless my entire house is perfectly clean, then you will spend a lot of your time being unhappy because it's especially when you have young children at home, it's unrealistic to have the house completely clean all the time.

8:16

So you have to find the yin and Yang balance of like, yeah, I prefer it when my house is clean, but but I'm well, I'm speaking in generalities, but.

I'm saying we agree because so, you know, so that we're not misunderstood here, that we think, oh, we just allow the house to be messy and the kids to fight whatever.

8:34

And we're just going to be happy and peaceful about it.

They can do whatever they want and we're just going to be over in the corner being blissful.

Like, no, we want our house to be clean and organized and neat and we want our kids to get along.

But I guess here, sorry to interrupt you with your statement, but here's here's the crux of it that really hit me.

8:52

Is it possible to have that joyful state while I'm cleaning up the mess?

Well, and I think the point is too, that it's actually easier for me, especially as a mom, to get people on board to help me clean the mess.

When I come from a place of peace and love and joy and happiness, then then it's easy, much easier to get the kids on board because they feel that from me.

9:19

I'm demonstrating that it's actually a joyful process to clean up because that's part of the process.

I had to learn this for myself.

I realized, you know, and, and a lot of moms will say in these survey responses, I just feel like I'm constantly nagging and getting after everyone to clean up and that they don't even want to do it.

9:38

I had to realize for myself, they were learning that from me.

I didn't want to do it.

I felt it was a drudgery.

I felt it was a chore, but someone had to do it.

So it had to be me.

I'm the victim here.

I'm resentful about it.

And when I learned to change my thinking about it and say, no, I want to clean up.

9:57

I want to do the dishes.

I want to do these things, if nothing else, because I want the outcomes.

I'm going to do them by choice.

I'm going to do them pleasantly.

I'm going to do them with fun.

That's how I was able to lead my children into yeah, it's not bad to clean up.

10:15

It's a good thing.

It doesn't have to be drudgery.

It can be fun.

We have to lead the way for them.

That's gigantic.

It's huge.

Because everyone's thinking, I would love for my kids to willingly help out and, and joyfully do the things that need to be done.

10:31

Well, OK, great, great.

That's fantastic.

Well, how do you teach that modeling it?

You have to be willing to joyfully do the work that needs to be done.

Hey there, this is Greg Denning.

We want to reach as many people as possible and help as many families as possible with these conversations.

10:49

And we want to keep this podcast ad free forever.

You can help us do that by subscribing on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen your favorite platform and on YouTube and leave a quick review and and share your favorite episodes with friends and family.

11:04

It makes a big difference.

Thank you for being a part of this very important movement.

I'm sure people are thinking we'll wait, like how?

How do we do this?

How do you actually heal those wounds?

How do you actually get rid of those triggers?

11:19

How do you move up to those positive states?

And that is something that is a, it has to be, I think, a practice that becomes a part of your life in order to see the biggest benefits from it.

At least in my experience, it starts with this awareness of saying, well, OK, yeah, my life could be overall more happy if more of my moments were happier.

11:43

I want that.

How do I get it?

And you even a minute ago talked about like, oh, you wake up in the morning and you feel a little blah or grumpy.

That's where I start if I wake up like that.

And in some ways that's normal because for whatever reason, our body uses cortisol, which is the stress form of to help us wake up.

12:03

So we often feel groggier and blah in the morning because of cortisol.

In some ways, it's just, it's hormonal.

It's not necessarily our life sucks.

It's just.

Cortisol.

It's biochemistry.

It's the biochemistry.

So I take every and this is part of our morning routines and something we've taught for years.

12:21

I take intentional action every day to change that, to change the biochemistry so that I feel more positive emotion before I go into my day.

Ideally if I can before I interact with my kids or you even sometimes, but that's not always possible.

12:40

So, you know, I obviously I'm proactive about that, but then I, I, I'm doing specific things that are changing my biochemistry so I have more positive emotion in some ways.

It's that simple.

It is that simple.

It's simply changing your biochemistry.

12:55

If, if we could put it into terms of drugs, it's like, take this drug, oh, you're feeling the cortisol, take this drug.

But we're saying, Oh no, you can do this in natural ways to change the biochemistry.

So almost immediately you can get, in fact, the actual drug there is you're going to get some dopamine, you're going to get some serotonin, you're going to get some endorphins.

13:15

And so that's as easy as getting up, drinking some water, moving your body, kind of.

Swinging your arms, little thing right there.

And people don't think about all of this stuff.

You have to be intentional and strategic.

So we have these very clear things like drinking water every morning and we tell our kids because dehydration contributes to more cortisol or, you know, the negative emotions.

13:36

So you can keep going so.

Exactly.

But it's just like these simple things.

And I can hear people, it's like, yeah, but I don't feel like doing that.

I don't want to do that.

Of course, like your body's just swimming in cortisol or whatever and you're like, you feel groggy.

So it takes this tiny little bit of self-discipline just to say, well, no, I'm going to do it because I want to feel better.

13:56

And you start with the easiest thing.

I mean, at least to me, like drinking a glass of water is like an easy entry.

And that automatically is going to help start changing your biochemistry because you're rehydrating your body.

And then then while you're there, take your drink water and then just take five really deep breaths.

Do that five times already.

14:13

You're you're changing.

And then if you can step outside, just get outside if there's some sunlight out there.

And, and if you can go out and just do just a little bit of movement, yoga, stretching, something in sunlight, now you're getting some rays coming.

In something as simple as like I just move my back, my arms back and forth like this in the bathroom.

14:31

I go in and use the bathroom and I'm like, I just go like this because that little bit of movement.

Starts to wake you up.

Starts to change your biochemistry, your body's like, oh, OK, yeah, let's create some different hormones here.

Then if you can do some jumping jacks or actually get a workout angle for a run or a walk or a bike ride like wow.

14:48

Before before I do that though, I actually spend time meditating and especially if I'm feeling because there's one thing where you wake up with the cortisol and you're just kind of like.

But then sometimes I feel I wake up feeling negative emotions.

15:04

Maybe I'm feeling stressed or worried or overwhelmed or whatever.

I actually take time to process that then before I go into the day.

And is that for you, is that more of a feeling or thought patterns?

15:20

I mean, they're so closely related.

So when you wake up feeling like that, are you noticing your brain worrying about things, stressing about things, or is that, well, it's.

Difficult to say.

It's like the chicken or the egg, right?

And especially if I wake up because oftentimes it could be directly connected to maybe what I was thinking about before I went to bed for dreams I was having.

15:43

Or sometimes, you know, maybe I don't know if this is just me think no, it's not.

Maybe it's a woman thing.

I feel like I sleep with part of my brain on and so my brain's thinking about things while I'm sleeping.

And so I wake up with because you know, as we talk about the body, the, the brain and body are a pharmacy.

16:02

It's created all of these hormones and emotions while I was asleep.

So I can wake up with them, right?

It's not like I'm waking up with a clean slate.

It's carried over from the night before or during the night.

So in that case, and I'm intentional about, OK, I'm going to process this because because it for most of us, it's very inarticulate.

16:27

It's like it's a feeling or an emotion that's not connected to specific thoughts.

So if I can concretize those thoughts, if I can write it out and say like, Oh well, I'm feeling anxious because I'm worried about XYZ happening today or next week.

16:45

I'm bringing solidity to those emotions, which then allows me to either come up with a plan, OK, well, I'm going to do this so that I don't have to worry about it because I can take this action to solve that problem or, you know, re process it and release it because it's out of my control, right?

17:02

But you have to bring that awareness to it in order to.

Well, basically you're just taking it and setting it on a table exactly so you can see it, you can know what's going on.

Like I don't need to worry about that.

I can dismiss it or like OK, now I see.

It's an action step.

Here's what I can do about it, yeah.

So, so it solves the problem rather because what happens for too many of us and this, and I know cuz it used to happen to me and still does if I don't take this action is instead I have these just emotions and they're just running in the background, right?

17:31

Kind of like on your computer and it's just there and it's using, it's burning up bandwidth, it's using up energy, it's using up will like.

Disrupts your the positive emotional state you could have.

17:47

Well, of course.

Because anytime you're using up the energy, it's just like a computer or your phone.

If you have too many apps open, your phone can't work as well because it's you.

It's processing.

All that processing is going on in the background.

So the same thing is happening to us.

18:03

If we don't process those emotions and do something with them and get rid of them, they're just running in the background and taking energy from what could be put into joy or love or peace.

And, and the other thing I wanted to emphasize is because, and I'm, I'm can't think of the right word, but like we have, it's not discipline.

18:27

Every single self, self-discipline.

There's another word I want to use, but I can't think of it like we have this ability to self-discipline, but it's, it's a renewable resources resource, but we can also use it up.

So it's generally stronger in the morning, which is a better word for it.

18:47

And then as we use it throughout the day, we kind of use it up.

And so it's more difficult for us to be self disciplined and like, you know, control your cravings or whatever later in the evening.

And willpower.

Yeah, I guess willpower is a yeah, that's a good way of thinking about it.

19:05

But so that also is being used up with this energy processing in the background.

It's like depleting your resources, depleting your willpower so that you don't have the ability to respond with as much patience, or to not eat the food you shouldn't be eating, or you know, XYZ.

19:25

I love how you're articulating that there's a lot of subconscious things going on that are just keeping us in a blast state or in a negative state, and just taking a few moments to just clear those out.

Yeah, it's like, no, wow, now I got a clean slate and I've got all my energy and all my resources available here.

19:42

Wow.

Now I can really lean into being a positive force and bringing all kinds of good energy to my family.

It's just so much easier that way.

Like for me, I can't.

I've gotten to the point where I can't do it the other way because the other way is just it's incongruent, it's fake, it's not authentic.

20:02

You know, I have to use my willpower to do it as opposed to just being authentically who I am.

So that I just bring that to my interactions rather than trying so hard to be because I hear mom saying this or your client saying all the time you'll be like, well, are are you interacting with your children with?

20:22

Peace and calm and they're like, well, I'm trying to be calm and I'm like trying to be calm is not the same as actually being calm.

There's a difference.

And that's where I think too many parents are failing.

They're trying to be calm, they're trying to be happy, they're trying to be patient.

20:41

That's not the same.

They're do or do not.

There is no try, right?

You're either calm or you're not.

You're either peaceful or you're not.

You can't fake it.

You can't pretend it has to really be there.

And that's so good because pretending to be calm or outwardly.

21:00

Trying to control the anger with calmness.

Right.

So inside you're just all upset and there's a big, you know, storm, but you're putting on the mask for the facade of patience.

Yeah, we think that doesn't.

Work.

We think that that's what it's about.

21:16

We think that if we're going to be joyful or patient or peaceful, it's, it's almost like this mask or this cover that we're putting over the the anger and irritation, the frustration.

But I'm like, no, it doesn't work that way.

Move all of that.

21:33

And what's?

Left is the peace.

It's like the parent who who pretends to love family life, love having kids, all this is the best.

All the while just so resentful and so bitter and just angry and upset about all the little things that come with family life.

And what a what a tragedy, what a waste.

21:52

Especially when, and I get that we're not taught these things, we don't know this, but when you learn these skills, then family life is so good.

It's so wonderful.

You're like, yeah, this is how it could and should be for all families.

22:11

But we have to learn the skills of removing everything that's standing in our way and blocking us from that and using up our energy and our bandwidth so we can let the authentic self radiate, which is and we teach us all the time.

22:29

And I truly believe it, like when you fulfill the needs and remove the blocks, what's left is a person, whether that's a parent or a child, that wants to be happy and peaceful and calm and connected.

That's what's left.

That is the authenticity that like, that's the authentic seed of family life when everything else is removed out of the way.

22:50

And when we do it well, like we're setting up our kids to think this is just how life is done exactly.

And we are doing them the greatest favor we can possibly do them because they don't have to undo all the other stuff and unlearn all the bad habits and unpack it, right?

23:07

There's going to be a little, but in general, if they just learn the way of happiness, then they just called their.

Life, there is no way to happiness.

Happiness is the way, remember, that's what Buddha says.

But but that's what we're talking about, right?

That when we remove the blocks and then allow the happiness to shine through, happiness is the way to what it is we want.

23:31

And that's what they get to.

That's what we get to enjoy, and that's what they get to enjoy.

It's even easier for them because they think, well, no, this.

Is because it's modeled.

This is the better way to do life.

We have to pay the bills, we have to eat well and sleep and and try to get good sleep and do all the stuff and things just to maintain life.

23:56

So might as well be joyful about them.

So my our invitation today is raise that emotional baseline.

Choose.

Process the negative emotion.

Get rid of those negative emotions.

Any stuck emotions do the?

Healing is a fantastic way to do it.

24:13

Exercise.

Yeah, just let them go crossing and just well, but there is a mental element.

And once you do it, you'll realize, OK, it was easier a thought.

And when you're on this side of it, it looks hard.

When you're on the other side of it, you're like, OK, that was easy.

I get it, but at some point you literally just get to choose.

24:31

I, I heard this metaphor recently is about it's like a jukebox, those old jukebox as you, you'd push a button and it would, it would take one CD over and put it in play.

And I kind of like that one.

It would grab that tape off and put it back and grab 1 you like and, and we can do that in our minds.

24:46

It's like, wait a minute, I don't like this one.

It's it's not serving me.

I'm going to take it and I'm going to throw it away.

Literally, I'm going to grab it and I'm going to throw it out because I don't want that there.

It's, it's disrupting my moments because I'm, I'm holding on to this thing and I don't like that.

25:02

So I'm going to get rid of it, replace it with something I do like.

Well, I do like the analogy and I want to expand on it because yeah, you're you've got this jukebox and sometimes that's what's happening.

People are putting the wrong buttons and they're playing the song you don't want to play.

But part of what I'm talking about here, because you're right, we have choice and we can choose.

25:19

I want to play this song because I like it better.

But I think when we're talking about this real healing and this real processing, you're essentially getting rid of that CD you don't like for good.

You're taking it and throwing it out so that when someone pushes that button, you've replaced it with something else that you like and so they no longer play that song.

25:41

Be the jukebox manager, take the key, open that sucker up, take that CD and literally throw it in the trash.

Break it, burn it like destroy it.

Take a ski shooting like get rid of that thing so it's no longer a part of your life.

And maybe we're using words differently.

You're just saying, oh, just choose to do that.

25:58

And I'm saying, well, because to me, choices pushing which button, but it's almost like I want a different word.

And I guess processing is the word I want a different word for.

Yeah, you choose to process.

But to me it's, it's more than just choice.

It's a it's a practice that you have like, I guess for me, it's differentiated because it's not just, oh, choose push button done.

26:21

It's the process of doing something.

The processing requires that you do something.

You either journal about it and write about it.

You talk to someone about it, you go kick a punching.

No, you punch a punching bag like you do something that's intentional about I've identified this emotion and I'm going to work through my feelings around it.

26:46

I'm going to articulate.

It until it's.

Until it's gone in the garbage like that CD.

Exactly.

So to me, that's why I'm I want to use a different word than choice.

Because yeah, I make the choice to do that, but I also have to do the work to do it.

Yep, love it.

27:01

It's not just a one time choose.

Done.

Sometimes, sometimes there's.

For me it's not.

There there are people of it works as clients when they understand the frameworks, they're like, wow, OK, I realize all along, subconsciously I've held on to this.

I've given this this meaning.

27:18

I've let that be a part of my life, and today is the last time.

And is that done for?

Just out of curiosity, is that men and women or is that mostly just men?

Both when when you understand what's happening and you understand the framework, you're like, wait a minute, what it, what is it That's just serving my peace?

27:34

What is it that's this limiting factor on my happiness and joy?

And when you get down and identify, you're like, oh, it's well, it's because of this is the story I've been telling myself for the meaning I've been giving it, you know, the meaning behind, you know, cleaning up the house.

Oh, great, I'm just a slave and a servant around here and nobody cares or appreciates me.