How to Stay Calm With Toddlers (Without Losing Yourself)

Little people are amazing, but man, they're chaotic. What takes place during these ages will carry through the rest of their life? They're coming in just clean slate. Like, what is this place? What's going on? Be there for your child because they need you. I'm not going to lock them in a room, close the door, and force them to stay in there. Like, how would you feel? You're the adult. Like, get control of yourself. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life Podcast. We're your host, Gregor Rachel Denning. Today we're talking to busy moms with little people who are amazing. Little people are amazing, but man, they're chaotic. So, today we're specifically addressing parents with young children. We have we currently have older children. And so, I think a lot of our episodes talk to parents with older children, but we still love parents with young children. And we love the phase when children are young, even though it is all those things you just said. So we want to talk about strategies, approaches, the and most importantly the underlying framework and mindset we need to have during this time period because I think ultimately that's the most important thing. He enjoyed the little people. I had a blast with it. I thought it was so fun. First strategy there is like dad's dad's got to lean in, man. And I know dads are working and got all kinds of stuff going on. And we have to take care of all kinds of logistical things and the house and the cars and all this stuff, but we also have to take on that joyful responsibility of giving mom a break. And it's not babysitting. Dads don't babysit. Now, I can hear you saying, "Man, I'm tired." Great. Get over it. Like, generate some energy. Again, I I say that because I figure it out myself, but I also teach my guys. I teach the men that I coach how to generate energy. So, energy is renewable. And that has to be one of the main things we talk about today is like you got to generate energy. So dads, you got to come home, get re-engaged, get excited, get dive in with those kids and the in the chaos and the craziness and lean in and be the adult, be the king in your kingdom. And that gives mom this huge break, which I know that's one of the things we're going to talk about today is moms have to have this window where they're like, "Oh, this is my recovery window. This is my personal time. This is when I feel like a a normal human being again." Exactly. a woman. Yeah. So, you did you jumped right into the strategies, but I want to read the message that I received specifically so that we can talk about it because there are a lot of strategies that we want to talk about, but I also I I want to so strongly emphasize the main important mindset and framework we have to do and that's what I'm excited to get to. Okay. So, she says, "I was wondering if you could do a podcast episode on your advice for parents with very young kids, babies and toddlers." I have an 18-month-old and I run a business. My partner works full-time in a corporate job. We spend our evenings cooking and cleaning and I have no energy at the end of the day and cannot seem to find the time to pick up a book or to have space to think. We literally cook, clean, do laundry, and bed every evening. I will not send her to nursery. Kudos to her. So, I'm caring for her full-time and keeping up with the business when she naps. I co-s sleep and breastfeed, which I know is the best thing for her, but I struggle to get up before she does because as soon as I get out of bed, she cries within about 15 minutes. I'd love advice on how to gently stop breastfeeding at night. And if you co-slept, how did you move on from that, especially when the next baby comes along? My daughter will only sleep with me. My partner is in another room. Thank you for everything you do. You're an inspiration. So first of all to start off I have some thoughts. I have some thoughts. I want to start with what I said is the most important thing. the mindset, the framework that we need to understand as parents when we have young children, we have to understand, especially as mothers, but I would say as mothers and fathers, that these years when they are young, Erica Kiser says 0 to three. I would say even 0 to 5, six, I would say 0 to 25. But with what I'm about to say, if you have to choose, I would focus on those younger ages. You have to realize that this these this phase is the most critical in creating a solid foundation for having a welladjusted happy child who grows into a welladjusted happy adult. Now what what I mean by that is what takes place during these ages will carry through the rest of their life. It will determine the type of behavior they have as they grow older. It will determine whether or not they rebel as a teenager. It will determine whether or not they have good mental health. It will help to determine their self-esteem, their confidence levels. It it establishes their entire mental framework for life. Yeah. Their identity is essentially established during these ages. Let's say 0 to 5. That is when in fact I was just doing a little recent research just a few days ago and I would say 0 to seven in this context because by seven years old they really have the bulk of the mental framework for life established and and really what they're wondering is is the world safe, right? Will my needs be met? Are the most important people in my life dependable? Yeah. Can I trust them? Exactly. Will will this work? Do they love me? Will they care for me? If will they respond to my needs? Yes. If I'm afraid, will they protect me? If I need something, will they help me get it? what is what is life? Because they're coming in just clean slate like what is this place? What's going on? And if we love them and care for them and nurture them, meet their needs. We're not spoiling them. They're not going to be rotten little turds. You can't spoil a child. Just to throw this in, you can't spoil a child under the age of I would say three. Yeah. Because what's happening is they're just realizing, oh, everything's good. Yeah. I can be my best self. I can lean in. I can take risks. I can go after life because the people I have to count on, I can count on them. Exactly. We think, well, how do I kind of get my kids to fall in line a little more so I can do the things I want to do? And while we do want to share some of those strategies because I think there there are ways to be more strategic, ultimately what I'm trying to say is that your child's needs during these ages are the most important thing. And if you have to sacrifice almost everything else, like I'm not going to say sacrifice your own well-being. If you have to sacrifice a lot in order to meet those needs, that's what's most important. And it will pay off. You have to see this as a long-term investment. You have to think, what kind of child am I going to have when they're 19, right? And behave and sacrifice in a way now that will guarantee that. And what guarantees it is by meeting those needs. So if your child needs you all day long, first of all, the more your child needs you, the less secure they feel. So that's one sign. If your child is very needy, it means they don't feel safe and secure. Right? When you when your child feels safe and secure because you regularly meet their needs, they're actually less needy and you have more freedom. You'll have hours and hours while they play peacefully and joyfully. Yeah. Exactly. So that's one of the ironic the ironies there is that the more attention you give to your child, the less they will need your attention and so they become less clingy, less needy. That's one of the key pieces there. But if you mentally and emotionally are constantly trying to get away from your kid and you're thinking about and longing to do other things, like your mind's elsewhere, they totally pick up. They feel threatened by that. Not like they're jealous, per se, but they're they're really terrified because they think, "Oh my gosh, this person that's the most important to me in the world doesn't want me." Right? That's what they're feeling on a very basic level, right? something they can't articulate to you, but that's how it feels to them. It feels like the most important person in my life that especially at a very young age, they really can't differentiate that you're separate. They really think you're like you're connected. You're the same being, right? And so they feel threatened by your distraction from them because you are the most important thing in their life. Yep. So, so business growth will be slow slower during these times and or I believe I should say maybe even non-existent depending on the needs of your child because here's another thing to that's important to remember. We don't get to decide what our child needs. Our job is to show up and reassure them like, "Yes, I'm still here. Yes, I am still here. Yep, here I am. I'm still here. I will still take your hugs. I will still love you. I will still give you what you need. I am here for you and I'm not going away." That is what they need the most. That never ends. It does. If you have a good relationship with your children, that will never end. Cuz when they're married, when they're exhausted, when they're new parents, and they're like, "Guys, help." And mom and dad is like, "Hey, we're here. We got you. You're good. We help with their kids, our grandkids." But and even this is this is fitting for marriage. Rachel needs to know, "I'm here. I'm here. I'm listening. I know you're feeling everything and and you need me. You need to vent and process. I'm here." Ultimately, that is the foundation of emotional health and emotional well-being and and mental health is having that security and that stability knowing that like you said, you can count on the people in your life that are important to you. And that's what it's all about. Exactly. What I'm trying to say to this mom who has young children is that this is the critical age when you can solidify that for your children. And if you do, it will make the rest of your parenting journey that much easier because you have a solid foundation. Love it. Um I love Again, just reiterating though, ambitions, dreams, goals, fantastic. That's great. Have them. But they come third, maybe fourth. So I would say self-care is first because you can't draw from an empty well. You can't give what you don't have. So you got to take care of yourself. So, so definitely if you have to choose between, well, hopefully we don't have to say if you have to choose between yourself and the baby, you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of your baby. It's like putting on the oxygen mask first. But if you have to choose between um yourself and the business, you definitely need to choose yourself 100%. Like forget the business, focus on yourself. Yep. Same with the baby. Baby or business, baby first, then the business, right? There will be a time to work on the business. But your children, they have an expiration date because eventually they grow out of childhood and then you've missed that chance. So this is the priority. This is what matters the most even if you have to sacrifice those other things. So what one of the things I want to say is that if we focus on putting those things in their proper place then we actually feel better and sometimes we even have more energy to be able to then like okay yeah I can do some business stuff because I've filled those other buckets that are the most important and those are what support me. They give me that energy I need to be able to do all the other things. So sometimes, like, you know, she's saying, we're literally cooking, cleaning in bed every night. She's exhausted. Sometimes what needs to happen is instead of doing the things you think you should be doing, the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry, you're like, you know what, forget that. We're going to go have sex or we're going to sit and cuddle and talk or we're going to like we're going to do something that refills us that helps us recover rather than just grind grind grind grind grind. Just everything becomes transactional at that point. It's like that's lame. Like what are we living for? Yeah. To to pay the bills, to play house together, to be roommates. This is stupid. And so even with the kids too, it's not just feeding, cleaning up, bedtimes, naps. Like have fun, right? Yeah. Enjoy every minute of it, every phase. Like, oh, look what look what she likes now. Let's do this. Let's do that. Let's try that. Let's like have our lives be filled with beautiful things. Do crafts and fun things together, right? So like what fills you is like you can you can do yeah you can go out to the lake or the pond or the park and or go just sit on the grass and enjoy the sunshine and play in the snow like all these things that both of you are getting satisfaction and fulfillment and renewal. And I think if there is ever a time to do that in life, it's definitely during those ages like that. Like I'm giving you permission if you need it to like really just revel in that kind of stuff because I think all and maybe it's just me, but I think a lot of mothers, we have this idealized vision of like childhood and raising children. It's like a picnic blanket in the sun and these beautiful little children sitting there. That's a vision that we have. And I'm saying this is the time to do that thing. We don't have to wait. Now, one of the concerns we may have and sometimes maybe one of the drives we have to building a business is money. So, I'm not going to say that doesn't play into it, but what I'm trying to say is even if you have to live on a budget or simplify or go minimalist, I think especially during these ages, it's worth it and that it makes a difference. Our business grew very very very slowly because you and I were both fully involved in raising them, taking care of them, homeschooling them. Like we were fully present with them and it it was worth it. It made a big difference. It it does. So that's the underlying emphasis is that really lean in to these years and be there not in just quality time but quantity time as well for your children. Now I do love that she's not sending them to to a nursery or daycare present they're just not good daycarees are not healthy places for children. They should not be in a daycare if at all possible. Well, they mostly need to be with you, the mother, or at the very least with the father. One of those most important people in their life needs to be with them 247. I love that she's co-sleeping and breastfeeding. Those are obviously great things to do. We co-slept. I think by 18 months though, there needs to be a bed nearby. It depends. Yeah, but you right. you should definitely start making that transition. And we did that cuz she asked specifically. So we co-slept with all of our children. When we adopted our first, we started co-sleeping and we did it with all of them. But you can definitely start to transition them out because everybody does begin to sleep a little better. And I would put a a little bed or a little crib thing next to the bed. So they were still in the room, but they were nearby. They knew we were there for them. Hey there, this is Greg Denny. We want to reach as many people as possible and help as many families as possible with these conversations and we want to keep this podcast ad free forever. You can help us do that by subscribing on Spotify or Apple Podcast or wherever you listen your favorite platform and on YouTube and leave a quick review and and share your favorite episodes with friends and family. It makes a big difference. Thank you for being a part of this very important movement. If you look at it from an evolutionary perspective, I mean, that's what humans have always done. They always slept near each other. They didn't live in a house with separate rooms and bedrooms. They slept together. So, it's just it's a very natural, normal thing for children to want to be near their parents when it's dark. Like, for some reason, the Western world thinks that that's strange, but it's not. Um, it's been like since the beginning of humanity, it's been like that in a cave or a small log cabin or a teepee or a long house or whatever. Um, if you actually look at the history of sleep training, which I think that this ties into sleep training, the sleep training that we know of today came specifically from the Nazis. Like, I'm not kidding you. They used it as a tool to distance parent parents and children from each other so that people would grow up and be easier to control because they didn't have in fact if you look at the history of communism or fascism or anything socialism in general the state and the leader of the government is the most important person in the world. There's no religion more important than the parents. Yeah. family is diminished because the the government is the most important. And one of the tools they would use to do that is sleep training and all of these things that would create attachment disorders, which then created people who were easy to control, who looked to the government authority as being like the most important. So, it's all it was all very strategic. But the other thing I think that's important to point out because people have asked us like we lived this travel lifestyle. We've we've been to 60 countries. We've lived in dozens of countries. We moved a lot. And people thought, well, how can you create family stability in that type of situation? Like it's not possible because you need to stay in one place and have routines and have stability. But one of the ways we've been able to do that is because these types of things co-sleeping and allowing them wherever we were in the world, it didn't matter. they would come into a room and they felt safe and secure like my parents are here so it doesn't matter where we are or if I'm in the same bed or if I have my stuff my parents are here and I feel safe and I think I think it's worth sharing here we would we did the co-sleeping when they were little and then sleeping next to us as as much as we could like in the same room and in a little bed but then we would you know get them into another room especially when they had siblings and then they would go in there they had each other siblings it was easier too because they of their siblings to sleep with and that helps. And we would often go in and and lay down by them and help them go to sleep and sometimes lay there until they went to sleep and then, you know, inevitably they'd wake up sometimes, not every night, but sometimes they'd come back in. Okay, whatever. But we're we're gently teaching them that you can go to sleep in your room and if you wake up, you can come in and it's okay. And so we we gently build that security and now they're all fantastic and and totally solid. So, in this scenario here, you know, when she has an 18-month-old, she's still breastfeeding. Probably my suggestion if it was me, is I would be getting another bed that was next to the bed, whether that's a little crib or a play pen or they even sell nowadays, I think, like a bed height crib with three walls, you know, something like that. So, that you can begin to make that transition where they're still in the room with you because they want to be. It's normal. It's not it's not it's not normal for an 18-month-old to sleep in a room by themselves. That's just it's not especially if they're only child, right? Especially if they're only a child. That solitary feels like prison. It feels like exactly solitary confinement. So it's and the whole cry out method, the sleep train, it's just not healthy. It's psychologically damaging. And I know that that sounds really strong to some people, but it is. And I love what um Erica Kamiser talks about. She said there's there's big big tea trauma and there's little tea trauma. And big tea trauma is things like if you get in a car accident or something, you break something or you're sexually abused. Like it's big things. But she said every single one of us has been experiencing little tea trauma throughout our childhood. And it's things like being left to cry it out because to a young child who's all alone and can't control their environment or what's happening to them. To be left alone and then have no one respond to you when you're crying. All it says is I don't live in a safe world. I can't trust the people around me because when I cry for their help, they're not there for me. And you put them behind bars like in a crib, right? And then they just scream and scream and scream and scream. So it's not healthy. It's psychologically damaging. It is a little tea trauma and it should be avoided at all costs. Your child needs to know that you are there because then they will grow up to be healthy and mentally and emotionally stronger, more importantly will trust you and be able to rely on you and turn to you for the rest of their life. Like how would you feel? Even if I So those of you listening as a full-g grown adult, if I grab you, throw you somewhere you don't want to be, close the door, confine you, and not let you out, you're going to go bonkers. Even as an adult, yeah, you'll lose it. You'll lose your bananas, right? And yet we're trying to get little kids with like they're brand new to this world in this life to do that. No emotional regulation because because they lack the prefrontal cortex, which is what regulates emotion. They don't have any emotional regulation. Nor do they have a frame of reference for time or like reason or or st like this is just for a time and then I'll I can get out or or this just for tonight I'll see him tomorrow morning. They don't understand what tomorrow morning is, right? They don't understand like the whole setting and rising of the sun all it's like they don't get it. They're just like I'm being isolated. So it's important put yourself in their shoes and see it from their angle and be like oh okay yeah I can approach this differently. And I want to say something, although I don't want it to be too hurtful or painful, but the sad thing to me is that very often parents are doing that because they can't control their own emotions. They're so overwhelmed, they're so distraught, they're so upset that they treat their children that way. And if they're doing it to protect them from even more harm, great. But if you're doing it simply because you're tired of dealing with it, grow up. You're the adult. Like, get control of yourself and be there for your child because they need you. They're the small, helpless person, not you. You're an adult, so act like it. Yeah. Stop playing the victim. Grow up. Lean in. Get the tools and resources, the coaching you need. But you have to level up. Yes. And that critical need you to level up. And when when they grow up, and we know we know this because we work with clients, when they grow up and then they behave in horrible ways and they treat you poorly. The only reason that happens is because that's how they were treated as young children. And that's difficult to hear and I know it and it feels devastating. But until we realize the truth about how things got the way they are, we don't have the power to change it. So truth is power. Truth, you know, knowledge is power. But we have to understand and then we have to take a different course of action. So that's why I continue to emphasize how important this is at these ages because it is going to make all of the difference. It will literally determine what kind of experience you have for the rest of your parenting years. And so meeting those needs is the most important thing you can do. So it's like little strategies where you're like, "Okay, how can I be a little bit more intentional about this so I can be better about getting the sleep?" Then she mentions the thing like she can't get up before her because if she gets out of bed, the baby starts crying, right? And it's amazing how they have that. So that's what I was thinking. They know like when you got out of bed and you're like, I did that perfectly. They just know your presence is gone, right? And and that's actually a beautiful thing like they know whether you're there or not and they and they know whether you're standing or not because they'd fall asleep where you're standing and you try to sit down, they'd wake up like how do you know they have an alimter? Yeah. But but in a way it is beautiful that they they can sense your presence so much they know when you're gone. But something I would do in a scenario like that is I would plan for that and I would work around it. So, she's mentioning wanting to be able to read or do different things like, okay, I would that before I go to bed, I'm going to prepare. I'm going to have a book right next to the bed. I'm maybe I'm going to have my laptop. Maybe I'm going to have my phone. It's all going to be right there so I can sit in bed while that baby sleeps and I can read. I can work on my computer. I can like whatever it is you want to do, you can do it in bed next to your baby. Yep. So, you don't have to, you know, feel like I'm awesome morning routine. Yeah, absolutely. and still quote unquote meet the needs but not feel resentful or stuck because you have to lay there and do nothing because you can't get up right so it's it's little things like that when I first when I first heard this says she wakes up and cries by 18 months crying shouldn't be happening a baby wakes up and they they should be able to crawl out of bed on their own like they learn how to get down with you know scoot little feet first off the bed and then they come looking for you children who've slept well and feel secure they don't wake up crying They wake up smiling. They They want to play. They want to find you. They come looking. It's It's actually a beautiful thing. And we have like done this religiously. Like the very first things our kids experience when they come into consciousness is us greeting them with big smiles and hugs like, "You're awake. We're so happy. Welcome to a new day." And we just deeply ingrained that because we were excited to see them and and we were happy that they're awake and they're here for a new day. And so they love waking up and we love when they woke up and and they were greeted every day because again they're coming into consciousness. And again, consciousness varies for kids wherever their age is. But they're coming into this semiconsciousness of like, wait a minute, what's going on? And if the first thing they see is you smiling and like, hey, you're awake. They're like, yes, life's amazing. But if you're like you again, why couldn't you just stay asleep? You're interrupting my life. Exactly. And if your child feels like an interruption to your life. Yeah. Well, then that's when the the neediness and the cleanness and the crying increases because it's their way of responding to feeling unloved or feeling unwanted, right? And so, yeah, that is a good point that you brought that up. Um, I want to address this this whole idea of self-care. Oh, yes. so that you're filling your well. Because if you feel full, you're you're so much more capable. And we all feel better. When when we are in a good state physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, when we're in a good state, we make better decisions. We respond better. We react better. We behave better. From Emerson, that which we persist in doing is becomes easier to do. Not that the nature of the thing has changed, but that our ability to do has increased. That includes being a mom. when when we're a new mom and we have one child, it does and I get that. I remember feeling exhausted at the same at the end of the day. But one of the reasons looking back that that occurred is because my attention was scattered. I wasn't focused on being in the moment, being with my child, I was thinking about all of the things I wanted to be doing instead. And that's exhausting. Y So that's one of the keys there. It's like self-sabotage. Yes, it is. But as I increased in my own capability, then having two children and then three children and then four and then all the way to seven, it was easier and everything became easier because I became more capable. So that that's the key. That's the secret there is becoming more capable because then it's easier to do more things with less stress. Exactly. So you increase your own capacity and part of that we learned you have to flip these switches like wait a minute like I I can generate energy. Working out actually gives me more energy. Eating healthy food gives me more energy. So, if I'm sitting at home in my sweats, I'm not getting ready, I'm not working out, I'm eating junk food, well, this is all self-sabotage. And I'm I'm taking care of my child, but wanting to be doing something else instead of that and and feeling all of these feelings about it, that is exhausting. That's draining energy. But if you literally are in the moment with your child and enjoying it and loving it, then what we talked about before where the more you joyfully meet their needs, the less needy they become and the more that becomes a part of their norm because they begin to realize, oh, it's okay. I I can quote unquote give mom time to do the things she wants to do because when I need or want her, she will do it for me. Yeah. Exactly. And so I there's this sense of security that gives them this confidence that it's okay if you are distracted by other things because you will give them your attention when they need it. Yep. So I would say um ju just just quick kind of overview some of the best things you can do for your own energy and vitality. Get up and get ready move your body and then eat well. Even if that's all you did all day with your child and you made it like a good experience for both of you that would be enough. You're winning. You are winning. Literally, that is the definition of winning at that age. These approaches make the biggest difference for the long-term benefits that you want. They work and it's awesome. And then you have a great relationship with your kids. You have all these beautiful memories that you'll have for the rest of your life. They have this this they won't remember these years, but it's recorded. Yes. It's part of their brains. Yeah. Exactly. it. All the little wiring in their brains is being built. All the scaffolding, the whole mental emotional framework is being built. So, it's imprinted. It's recorded even though not remembered. And so, when we do it well, they have the scaffolding there and the the wiring that just says, "Hey, you know, things are good. This family's good." Yeah. And they grow up to be great kids. And family life is the best life. It's absolutely amazing. So worth worth the sacrifices, worth the effort, worth the strategizing to get this stuff right. Right. Okay. Love you guys. Reach upwards.

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