3 Strategies to Stop Family Drama in 3 Days (Seriously)

Three things to do to step out of the drama triangle. We do not have to participate in drama. You're just running away from your problems. You're not facing them. You're not dealing with them. We're constantly trying to escape. We're trying to numb. How can I speak the truth but do it with love. This has the power to transform family legacies. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life Podcast. We're your hosts, Greg and Rachel Denning. excited to help with some parenting strategies today. And this one, man, this one's important because it's so challenging. We do not have to participate in drama. You can literally choose to live differently. You can choose not to participate. And so even if um your siblings or your neighbors or people at church or work, there's there's drama happening everywhere, right? So everywhere you go there's just drama. And I realized I started reading about people and then meeting occasionally meeting somebody like they don't participate. So even if the squabble's going on right there, they don't engage in a dramatic way or sometimes at all. Yeah. And they're living free from human drama. And it's like, yes, where can I get me some of that? Yeah. And so that was our commitment. And so going into our our relationship, our marriage, you and I were pretty committed to be like, "Hey, we're not we're not going to have these big explosive dramatic fights, and we're not going to play these drama games of the silent treatment or the insulting or whatever." Like, no, I don't want any of that crap in our marriage, and definitely not in our family. What we're going to talk about today, stepping out of the drama triangle, does not mean abandoning your family. It doesn't mean avoiding the challenges or problems that you face. That that one's really important. This is not avoidance. You can face and handle the conflict, the differences, the disagreements, whatever needs to happen without participating in drama or often, which is usually the case, making it dramatic. Right? It's like, no, we can we can disagree and we can work through this without getting stuck in some drama pattern. And in order to solve a problem, there has to be conflict, but that conflict doesn't have to be ugly. It doesn't have to be dramatic. There may be some unpleasantness to it because I'm not going to say it's always comfortable, right? There's going to be discomfort. There doesn't have to be big emotions. Yeah. and and over sensitivity. But but the difference is there's no resolution. Conflict has a resolution. That's that's the purpose of conflict. Where drama and the drama triangle, it's essentially like the same thing is going around and around in circles and it's just repeating itself every so often. There's no resolution. And if we can go in with purpose and we're extremely deliberate about it, then many things can be resolved for good. Now, I know even while we're saying this, some of you are like, "That's not possible. I've never seen it. I don't know anyone who lives like that. I've never seen a family exist." But I I want to point out that it does exist. That it is possible. I think most people get stuck in in some form of a drama triangle. And it does. It just goes on indefinitely, right? They still haven't learned how to actually step out of the drama triangle and to create new patterns. And so, that's what we want to talk about today. And in fact, we want to like I want to make this strong promise because I feel like when people have assurityity, it helps to have them more confidence that they can do this. And so I'm telling you these strategies will work and can help you step out of the drama triangle in like 3 days if you listen and apply whenever the next drama triangle experience arises. Let's talk about what are the three roles because this is a triangle of course and it means that there's three points. There's three roles generally within any family drama triangle and the three roles are the victim, there's the rescuer and there's the perpetrator. Okay. So, so, so to make that up. So, there's one who's persecuting or perpetrating the person on the receiving end the victim being persecuted and somebody steps in to try to be the rescuer. Exactly. When we're saying the victim, it's not actually someone who is necessarily an actual victim. They're simply playing the role of someone who is being victimized. So, they're acting like a victim, if that makes sense. Okay. So, second, the rescuer. The rescuer is the one who's like, "Let me help you. Let me do it for Okay, I'll take care of it. I'll yes, I'll I'll do that for you." and they are, you know, essentially there to help meet the needs and and come to the aid of the people, the victim that needs the help. But the problem is that rescuers often are sacrificing their own time, their own energy. They can often become resentful. And so, okay, so the persecutor is someone who's saying, "This is your fault." So we we can think of the persecutor as someone who's inflicting the pain, inflicting the the he's victimizing, right? But it can also be someone who's blaming, who's um pointing fingers, who's being critical of the other person, right? So in some ways parents very often are perpetrators because unfortunately many parenting strategies focus on blame, punishment, and criticizing. Yeah. And so in that case, the a parent is the perpetrator. And of course, that's what we're going to talk about today. It's like how do we switch these roles so that we're not running away from the problems. We're not avoiding the problems. We're not we're not avoiding the issues that are real, but we're learning how to actually resolve them rather than um ineffectively getting stuck in this drama triangle. When we step into the drama triangle, we're it's not a positive thing. It doesn't produce the outcomes we want. It doesn't produce the results we want. So, we have to learn how to switch these roles so that we can move into a positive space. We can move towards resolution. we can create the change that we want. So, we're going to talk about how to do that and how if you do this and if you are, I guess, religious about it, like if you're serious about this, it will create change. Like, I promise you that it will because once you stop participating participating in the drama triangle, it automatically it's a it's what we call a pattern interrupt. It interrupts the pattern of what has been occurring. And so it automatically requires that the other people in the drama triangle also have to become conscious because in a way that's what's happening. Everyone's operating unconsciously. They got into these habits and now they just occur. And so when the situation arises again, everyone's like, "Oh, I know my role. I've memorized this line. I like I know my part in this play." And so it's unconscious behavior. It's automatic memorized behavior. But when you step out of the drama triangle and now suddenly you're over here and you're not saying your lines and you're not doing what you usually do, they're like, "What?" They have no idea what to do. And so they have to become conscious to start thinking about, well, wait, how do I respond to this new role that's now on the stage? So to emphasize this, it only takes one person to become conscious and say, "Wait a minute, I'm taking a step back here. I'm not going to participate. And then the other two in this case won't know how to respond. They'll they'll have to respond differently. Some of you might be thinking, well, that that's just unrealistic. It's just not possible. Like this person does something mean to that person and and there's little and defenses. So I I have to step in. Like there's no other option. There's somebody being mean. There's somebody being victimized. And and I I have to rescue. How how can this be any different than what it is? That's just reality. And I can hear people thinking that, right? They're just like, well, that's it. It it happens. What am I what are you talking about? It can't not happen. And that's we're going to get into these roles. But you have to be aware is like there is a different response. Well, especially in a scenario like that, we have to understand that we have to give a different response because otherwise what we're unconsciously doing is training that child to look to others to rescue them rather than to develop their own skills to be able to rescue themselves, right? To be able to stand up for themselves, to be able to have the confidence to find solutions and answers. And so, and interestingly, we're we're perpetuating the training of the persecutor that too. I can keep doing this, right? And that's being this way and people are going to respond to my bullying. Yeah. And so it it's almost our moral obligation to not continue to rescue and to give and teach the tools so that our children have that competence and ability to be able to handle themselves in the world. Yeah. Right. I want you to just write this down deeprain it into your life. People treat you the way you train them to treat you. Exactly. That is true in every scenario you can think of and particularly at home and in family. So if if you look at your family dynamics and there's there's drama triangles going on or drama patterns going on, just acknowledge and and know like that's trained. That's No, Greg, that it's not trained. It's been like that since the beginning. I never told them they could treat me that way. I I never yell back every time they do it. And it's like, well, what you've been doing has created the conditioning and the training to allow it to keep going. Yes. Okay. So important. So, we're going to say we're going to tell you three things to do to step out of the drama triangle or any drama pattern until you resolve the issue. It is going to keep resurfingering. And that's what we want to emphasize because that's our entire approach about how to create a better, more extraordinary family life. If you resolve the issues, then guess what? They go away. And you don't have to keep dealing with the same ones. You get to move on. You get to solve new challenges, right? But you don't get stuck in continually solving the old ones. That's the point. Well, not even solving them, just enduring them. Yeah. Cuz you get stuck in the old patterns and you just deal with it indefinitely. Okay. So, here's the three things that you can do to step out of the drama triangle. And I promise that this works if you actually really do it. That's the only key. That's that's the only thing you have to do is to do it. And the very first one is so easy because it doesn't actually require you to do anything. All it requires is that you stop doing what you have been doing. That's it. All you have to do is literally stop. So if say the situation comes up again, it's the same old thing that oh here we go again. Here's what's going to happen. If before it happens or after you've already started, you stop yourself, that is the first step to stepping out of the drama triangle. So if you always say the same things or do the same things or respond with the same emotions, just stop. That's it. Stop. I have to emphasize this to you. This is temporary. I'm not telling you that from now on, forever you don't do anything about your child's behavior or your spouse's attitude or what you know, whatever. And we're also not saying ongoing thing. We're also not saying don't correct it. Well, we're going to get there. Okay, we're going to get there. We're just saying don't do what you've been doing or at least in the way you've been doing whenever we are in this automatic memorized unconscious behavior. We have to step out of it and we have to go from one of the reasons we're there is that's the known. You might think, well, why would I want to be in drama and chaos? Well, sometimes our body wants to be there because that's what we know. We're familiar with that. We're like, "Oh, this is familiar. I know this. This is normal. This is usual." And if we stepped out of that, our body's kind of like and our brains like, "What's going on? This is different." That's actually where to be. It does freak out. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. And it'll be like like warning lights going off, flashing, and they're like, "I don't know what to do. Do something." And so like, okay, I'll do what I've always done. And that's the problem, right? And so what I'm saying to you is that's actually what you want to do. You want to step out of the drama triangle and you want to step from the comfort and the known into the unknown. Because when you step into the unknown, that's when you can begin to create change and to create and to become to step into a new role. And that's what we're after. I'd like to give a specific strategy in that moment because that's going to happen like of what to do next. No, just in that moment how to stop. Yes. So, well, no, you stop to like, okay, I notice what's happening. Here it is again. Surprising. I'm starting to get up. I'm feeling it like I can see. Let's do um siblings are fighting cuz that's a very common. So, your kids are fighting. You usually do one thing. So, now after this after this conversation, cuz your kids are going to fight again today and tomorrow. When your brain starts to freak out and starts to say, well, I don't I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I I have to do something. right there in that moment, just take a couple deep breaths so you calm down. It's like just just chillax and then start thinking, well, what could I do differently? And we're going to give you tools and strategies here. I think ties into step number two, really. But we want we want the brain to start saying, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Do something. Do what you know. You want it to go, what can I do? What could I do differently to create a different result? So, you you want the brain to start helping you look for better solutions. And then we move to number two which is developing more of this awareness we're talking about is we have to name or identify what is going on and what role we are currently playing. So this is where we have that space of like okay wait here I am. I'm in the drama triangle right now. What role am I playing? Am I being the victim? Am I being the persecutor? Am I being the rescuer? Like you've got to get really clear on what's happening so that you can start to identify, oh yeah, and and don't necessarily do it out loud. This is in your brain, especially at first. You don't say, "Husband, you're being the persecutor right now and I don't like it." Right? This is happening internally. It's helping you develop this awareness so that you can focus on what you can do to change the drama triangle because you can't make your husband stop being the persecutor or the rescuer or the victim. you have to change your role in the tri triangle. So then it in a way forces or encourages them to then change their role because you're no longer supporting them in their role by by staying in the drama triangle. So you focus on naming it. Um so this is just it's the next step in awareness or awakening, right? It's like okay, oh it's starting to happen. I'm not going to participate. I'm not doing it. Okay, now what is happening? What's going on? I'm almost like I'm objectively stepping away and looking back at us, right? What's going on here? I guess I just want to clarify this a little bit because to many people I know they want they want action steps. They want to know what to do. And yet we're trying to we're trying to take something that doesn't feel like an action an action step. It's internal awareness and we're trying to make it into an action step so that you realize wait no this is actually important because otherwise we jump from doing one thing to doing another. Exactly. And it's and if you don't go through the process of this awareness it's actually way less effective. Right. Exactly. We can't just tell you what to do like we did a podcast our last episode was on scripts of things to say and do. But if you don't have this internal awareness step in between, what you do ends up being less effective than if you practice this step. It literally might just be a variation on what you've been doing because you haven't stopped and become aware of what's happening and then deliberately act differently. Right. You're like, "Oh, well, the denning said to say this, so I'm just going to go ahead and say it." Right. It's different words, but man, it's the same behavior. Exactly. Right. And so that's why this step is so critically important and we're making it a step and I'm emphasizing it here because you're thinking in your mind, I'm not just going to stop and then do nothing because I have to resolve the problem. I have to fix. I have to correct. And I'm saying no, this is the step. Stop. That's a step. And then name and become aware of what is happening, what get clarity. Watch yourself like you're in a movie. What is happening and what and even play it out, right? what usually happens and how am I participating in this? Because when you have that awareness, then you can move into understanding how to switch the roles. And you will likely have to do this with all of the different drama triangles that are happening in your family. Okay. So, after we have done step two, we've named the role that we're playing in this specific scenario. So, let's talk about the new roles in the empowered triangle, right? Because we're not going to be in the drama triangle anymore. We're going to the empowered triangle, which helps to find real and lasting solutions, not just continually trying to manage symptoms with things that don't last cuz we don't want that. So, if we are a victim in the drama triangle, we're going to move into the role of creator. And so instead of thinking about woe is me, I'm so picked on, poor me, I I'm the victim, helpless and hopeless. Like there's nothing I can do, right? Which I love. That's why the creator is the opposite of victimism. The opposite. And I'm sitting here like I can't do anything. They're doing this to me. The creator says, "Wait a minute. I have options." The creator says, "What do I want? What do I want?" Creative here. I can think of alternatives. I I don't have to sit here and play the victim. I can do this or I can do that or I can do this or I can I mean on and on and on. Like here are all the things I can do instead of sitting here and being a victim. Yes. I love that you actually said that it takes the the victim and flips it to almost its opposite a creator. Because one of the things that was super empowering and powerful for me in my this journey of motherhood is that I remember and I don't know why it stuck with me so much. I guess just because it worked for me. But I remember thinking or hearing from somebody that whatever you think, think the opposite. And so when I approached the a drama triangle like this and I would stop what I usually would do, I would tell myself that. I would say whatever you think, think the opposite. And so if I felt like saying something like you're so lazy or you're so this or this always happens, I would literally sometimes at least just to myself maybe if not out loud at first, I would say the opposite. They're not lazy or they're or I would pick a positive, you know, they're they're hardwork and I would start literally thinking the opposite or telling myself the opposite of what I previously believed. So, if I saw myself as a victim and I'm like, I'm so picked on. I'm I have to do it all myself. I would switch that. I'd be like, I don't have to do it all myself. I have lots of help. And yes, of course, at first my brain would say, well, that's a lie. It's not true. But it doesn't matter. That doesn't matter because guess what? The other thing is also not true. At least not 100% of the time. And if you believe that, well, that's not healthy and it's not helping you because as long as you believe that, you're going to continue to have more of that in your life. If I believe my husband is lazy, guess what? He's going to be more lazy and I'm going to see more um evidence of him being lazy. Mhm. So we have to switch what we think because when we do that we also look for more evidence that that is also true and then we actually create and help create more of that in our life. So whatever you think think the opposite. That was what really empowered me. So as we go through these roles I want to think about that and I want to you know encourage and emphasize that. And it's it's so much easier to do like right now in a calm moment when it's not happening in the moment like you get activated and your brain kind of shuts down and you're getting into it. You're your brain isn't going to be like let's sit here and think of creative options. How can I do the opposite? But if you do it from a calm state, it's so empowering. So let's go through the scenario for a second. Can I interject for a second? Because I guess that's why I emphasize the strategy because for me that worked even in the moment. I don't know why and for some people it may not work. Oh, I get what you're saying. You're like, "Okay, think the opposite." Whatever. Think the opposite. And it would literally it would my brain would come up with the opposite and that would help me get out of the drama triangle because I'm literally thinking different thoughts. Most people are so emotionally distressed in the moment that they have a very hard time thinking. And so I for me I would think through this out outside of the situation it's like okay whenever the kids are fighting I'm always always think I'm going to go over there and discipline them. I'm going to go over and yell at them and threaten them. Like stop that crap. So what would be the opposite? Like oh I'm going to walk over and hug them. Mhm. When my kids are fighting I'm going to walk over and hug them. Bam. There's the opposite. And and for me at least like if I try to anticipate it then it's easier to think it in the moment. Oh, they're there fighting. Oh, I was going to go hug him. I'm going to go try that. Right. And you do something different. Mhm. Yeah. Yeah. That that definitely cuz if we if we always go back to number one and we at least stop what we usually do whatever the normal is for us I feel like that's the space where we can remind ourselves whatever I think think the opposite like let let me try doing something I wouldn't normally do and that begins to interrupt this p pattern. So anyway, so victim res victim creator sorry. So in that space it's simply about well no I I'm not the victim I'm a creator. What do I want in this scenario? What do I want to change? What do I want to be different? What are my options? What are my options? Yeah. For the rescuer. The rescuer moves into the role of coach. I love this one. Well, I I like coach or you could do mentor. You could do teacher. Yeah. Basically, instead of stepping in and doing something for the victim and then, you know, disciplining the persecutor, you're like, "How can I teach here? How can I scenario you gave of where if you're constantly rescuing the child from another child, you're not empowering them to be able to do that on your own. But if you become the coach, so like in a scenario like this, I do I go in with our children, our two girls specifically, and if they're arguing or disagreeing about something, I go in and I coach them through how to handle it. Why don't you try saying it like this? Why don't you try using a voice like this? Because right now your voice sounds like this and I, you know, maybe I'll imitate it. It sounds like this, but you can try a different voice like this. So I'm literally giving them the tools. I'm telling them, but I'm I'm not doing it for them, per se. Yes, that's the difference. I'm not saying stop treating your sister like that cuz she needs you to be nice. I'm saying you need to tell your sister, "Please don't treat me like that because I don't like being treated like that." And so, I'm showing them how to do it. Yep. 100%. And this can be true like with a spouse. Um, and that's that's more challenging. So if a husband's trying to teach or coach or mentor his wife, oh it's generally much more challenging than with a child, say with a wife, wife's trying to coach her husband. And so it needs to be done with tons of diplomacy intact. But that still is the solution. Yes. Instead of trying to be the rescuer, you start teaching. And and I would say with spouses and with children too, I think the best way is with with tactful questions. I I'm I'm going to add an element because again, I feel like with between spouses, it can be a little more challenging because there's different dynamics there, of course, with the male and female. And so there's another level because you and I both know that if your your wife specifically is upset and she needs love and support, the best thing you can do is go to her, hold her, listen to her. But if she's been playing this role of being the victim or or whatever or persecutor, then the best time to play that coaching role, well, especially if you've been rescuing her, is after that reassurance, that time of reassurance, if that makes sense. So then when she feels better, she's calmed down, that's when you have that talk of like, hey, this is what I've been noticing. What can we do differently? this is what we need to change. I need to stop rescuing you because you know you're it's not making you stronger or whatever. But it's kind of or I need to stop rescuing the children from you because what's going on like right um and in some ways this also does work with children because sometimes that's what children need in the moment and then later they need the 100% the coaching y but what we're trying to do is see it from this framework of like okay instead of playing this normal role of where I come in and rescue I'm going to switch my role here and if I become the coach then of course the next level is is knowing when is the best time to do that coaching because sometimes all all your kids need in the moment is like a hug and some reassurance and some love and then later you're like hey let's talk about it let me coach you well it's time requires awareness and then on the so if wives want to coach husbands a husband's greatest need usually is to be respected he needs to feel respected so if you're like husband I'm going to coach you about how to do handle this he's not going to take that very well yes and so you're not going to step in and I I know better and you suck. You're ruining our lives every time you come home from work screaming and yelling. Like that's just not going to work out. He's not going to want to listen. So it's knowing when like you pointed out when to do this, but it's also practicing tact like how could I handle this? So, it's not disrespectful, but it's it's creating the awareness or and it might be something like the best way to coach in in scenarios like this for husbands and wives would be to catch um the moment when they're doing something well or doing it better. They handle the situation better and praise the crap out of that. Okay, last role. Persecutor now moves into the role of challenger, right? So, it's essentially like, how can I speak the truth but do it with love? Because in some ways, persecuting is essentially trying to tell someone what they did wrong or tell someone where they messed up, right? And as parents, we feel like that's our job. My job is to tell you when you've messed up. My job is to tell you how to do things better. My job is to punish you when you misbehave. But if we don't do it appropriately, then we actually just become the persecutor instead of someone who's challenging them to become their best selves. Right? And that's the ideal. We want to challenge them. We want to inspire them. We want to push them in a positive way towards improving themselves rather than feeling like they are a victim of our persecution and our punishments and our hate. And if if a if your spouse or another child is being the persecutor, then the coaching pieces is like, how can we get them to become a challenger instead of a persecutor? How can we invite them, encourage them, inspire them to instead of being so harsh and ineffective in what they're doing, it's like how we how we get them to be leaders. Yeah. So, if I had a sibling that was a or a child that was being a persecutor siblings, I'm going to invite that child to become a leader and and I'm going to walk them through that. And if the spouse is persecuting, yeah, okay, how can you how can you inspire them? How can you encourage them? How can you challenge them instead of persecuting what you're doing in a way? And I mean, I know I do this all the time with you and with the kids because too often when we're the persecutor, we go in there and we're trying to tell them that they're wrong. like no then we they're persecuting and we come in and become the persecutor as well saying you're wrong because you're doing it wrong and it's not and very often what I love to do that works say with my two girls again if the older sister is getting after her younger sister about something I don't go in and dismiss that you know she's persecuting her sister by saying you need to pick up your clothes and put them away and hang up your towel I go in and I acknowledge yeah you're right she should do those things but she is younger. So, here's how we can help her. Here's how you can become the challenger or the coach to help her do those things without ruining your relationship with her by getting after her all the time about it. Right? So, it's almost like you're acknowledging the intentions of the persecutor because the persecutor is trying to find the truth. It's trying to point out the truth. It's trying to make things right. It's trying to create justice in the world in a way or Yeah. feels out of control. There's too much chaos. I just don't know. I I don't know how to handle all this. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. That's can be a very good thing. But we have to do it in a way that's positive so that it produce the positive results that we want. Y love it. Great. Okay. So, let me just review really fast. Number one, if you want to step out of the drama triangle, three things. First, stop. Literally, simply stop doing what you have been doing. Doesn't matter what it is. just stop yourself from doing that thing or stop midway. I've even done that before where I something happens and I start doing the same thing I always do and partway through I'm like, "Oh, wait. I'm not gonna do this." And I just stop and your kids are kind of like, "What?" That sometimes is enough. Or they're like, "Wait, you're not doing you're not doing the thing. What's going on here?" So, you just stop. Second, you now have this moment of awareness to ask questions, to name what's happening. Oh, I'm being the persecutor. I'm being the victim. I'm being the rescuer here. And then to create awareness of well, and I I also love to ask questions. I'll remind myself like whatever I think think the opposite or what could be causing this or why are they acting this way? Are they hangry? Are they tired? I'm getting curious. I'm creating awareness. I'm asking questions. And then three, we move into a new role. We move from victim to creator. We move from rescuer to coast. rescuer to coach and we move from persecutor to challenger. It's beautiful. I think one thing that each of us could start working on on the the inner work, right? Again, hands down, the best thing any of us can do is work harder on ourselves than we do on anything else. And and if this is particularly difficult to change roles, even as we're talking through this, you're like, I want that, but it's so hard. I just get emotionally so reactive. It's there, you know, and and I've we've had lots of coaching conversations like this that they hear us talk through this and they're like, I want that. And in the moment I maybe even cognitively I remember it, but then I'm so emotionally and mentally engaged and involved like I can't think and act differently or clearly. So the inner work here is to start settling things down. Start resolving some of the inner turmoil. And the best way to do that, especially in the for you in the moment, this is a great thing to do is to go do some writing. Yeah. Just go write do some processing. Not like writing in your journal to keep forever typewriting, but like venting. Get a Yeah. venting writing. No grammar, no punctuation. And it's just a vomiting on paper to help you release and remove those pent up emotion. That's one of the best strategies. A perfect and common example of this is like, wait, why am I so sensitive to this? Why am I taking this personally? Why does this feel so painful? When you can go right through that and acknowledge it, there's the issue. It makes me feel like I'm a child again. And when I was a child, this happened and I felt like I had no control. Mhm. I truly did feel like a victim. And here I am now in my 30s feeling like a little child, like, okay, there's the thing to work through and change. Exactly. So if you if you start noticing your own stuff, like you know, for me personally, I would get so angry. That's why I had a crazy temper. I would get so furious usually about small things. And I stopped like, wait, why am I so mad? And that was my first question. Why am I so mad? They did that thing. I'm like, okay, how much is that going to cost? Like, oh, that was $6. Really? If I'm going to blow a gasket and just become, you know, an embarrassment to myself for over $6. It brought this awareness to my mind like, wait a Why am I upset? I'm not I'm not going to get upset about that anymore. And was this after you did say like your processing work over the stacked up emotions? Was it something that was still This was these were the first steps. This was the first step. These are the very first step. Like why am I so upset? Mhm. Why am I so reactive? Why why does this make me so mad? Okay, that person said that thing or that person cut me off in traffic or this like what is going on inside me that makes me so dramatic. Right. Right there. There it is. The drama triangle. What's what's going on inside me that makes me so dramatic? And most people aren't aware. So I started searching. I'm like, "Oh, it's this thing." I'm like, "Oh, how do I resolve that?" So that's why I started working through my stack, right? Well, it makes me feel it it it touches on my insecurity. Mhm. Like, wait a minute, that insecurity is mine. It's it's not external. So, they didn't come up attacking my insecurity. That's me. And why am I insecure about that? Mhm. Why am I still afraid? I'm I'm going to let go of that. And I process and let it go. And something else happens. Why is that? Oh, yes. It's touching on my fear. What is my fear? My greatest fear is like being alone. I never want to be alone. Well, okay. How am I going to resolve that? I'm going to work through that. Me exploding and having a crazy temper is more likely to lead me to loneliness than anything else. So, I'm like, this isn't serving me. Wait a minute. My anger is actually going to drive people away from me, which it was doing. Having a temper was driving people away. And and I was getting angry because my greatest fear was being alone. The irony, right? Yeah. It was collusion. So anyways, that that's what I started asking. I started processing and doing the inner work. And then as I let things go, I'm like, "Okay, now I can be I can be at peace. I can be calm even when there's real conflict and uncomfortable conflict." Like, "No, I'm I'm I'm good." Because we can just work through the problem, not absorb the problem, taking it personally, being reactive and super dramatic. I don't have to like, let's set the issue on the table in between us and let's not make it about us. Let's just let's focus on the thing. Well, and I think it's important here because in a way you're adding maybe substeps to say number two because in some way because if we if you go through those steps, you are going to step out of the drama train triangle but then to become really effective at step three, right? That that's literally like a whole another course or a whole another podcast episode, right? like, okay, now applying step three really well. And as a part of that is what you're talking about here is that you have to do the inner work because what mo many parents don't realize is that it's our own inner issues that are getting in the way of us being better parents. Exactly. So, we have to do this work of clearing out like and asking these questions. Why am I so upset about that? Why do I feel this way when that happens? When we clear that out, now we have the space to be able to as our best selves interact with our children to help them resolve the issues rather than bringing our own issues to it. And then it kind of muddies the waters in a way, right? And so that's something important I think to crazy especially end on because I want you to be confident that this approach will work 100%. But I do want you to know that as you move ahead with this approach, yes, you're going to find additional obstacles to overcome. That is the journey. That's the process. And that's what makes you so much better and more powerful. Exactly. And and it's worth emphasizing here that whatever role you are playing, persecutor, victim or rescuer, there's usually some kind of inner um issue, something on the inside that's putting you in that role or keeping you in that role. Yeah. So we resolve on the inside then it takes care of the outside right love it this gu this is so powerful and literally within days sometimes moments if you just say I'm done I'm done participating in this drama I'm done playing that role it stops right there and the others might try to keep going unconsciously like wait this is what we've always done and it it stops because you're no longer participating and they might say what are you doing why are you not saying the same things and all you have to do is say I just I'm going to changed us and so I don't know what else to do but right now I'm not going to do what I don't do this anymore. Yeah, it's so powerful and it change totally transforms. Okay, I'm going to make a powerful promise here. Not only will it transform current family dynamics and family culture, this has the power to transform family legacies, generations. Yeah. So powerful. Okay, love you guys. Reach up.