Authoritative Parenting Style: Why It Works Best

There needs to be unity in the underlying approach to parenting. We have to listen to each other and when we do, we can all be better. Discipline is rooted in teaching, not in punishment. Anyone who says that literally has no earthly idea about child development. They are going to struggle with self-esteem. They're going to struggle with shame, guilt. Nobody nobody likes to be controlled. I'm going to tell you there is one approach that is actually better than the others. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. We're your host Greg and Rachel Denning. Today we are going to talk about parenting from the same page or at least the same book. We can parent from the same playbook, but we don't have to be the same people. We want to emphasize today the importance and the necessity of having a dad approach and a mom approach. Dad doesn't have to become mom and mom doesn't have to become dad in order for you to be effective parents, but you do need to have the same underlying parenting style or approach, which we're going to talk through because there's four main different parenting approaches. The fundamental goal is that we complement each other in our strategies and tactics, not compete against each other. We're after being true to ourselves, approaching our parenting from the feminine or the masculine, but at the best version of the feminine or masculine, not at the worst. Yes. So, I guess the fundamental here is it's not about who's right, it's about what is right. Exactly. And so, if the two of us together are saying, "Hey, we both see this very differently, but we're not competing. It's not I'm right and you're wrong or you're right and I'm wrong." It's like what's the right way? What's the best way to get consistently get the results that we want? Yeah. And we keep iterating. We keep adjusting. We keep refining until we get the result. Mhm. And I want to hit something just right from the gates. And I I think most parents struggle getting on the same page or around the same core philosophy because they haven't yet learned how to have uncomfortable disagreeing conversation. It's so critical. You guys listening is so critical. You have to be able to disagree and stay calm and keep talking about it. Even if you're passionate, you still need to control your emotions. While we are going to be talking through parenting specifically, we do have to keep in mind this other aspect of it is one, you have to improve yourself as a person. Two, you have to improve your marriage and your ability to communicate with each other if you really want to make the most progress possible on this topic of parenting. And I think I think probably the most common problem is that when couples disagree, they get reactive. And so they either implode or explode or they get so upset. Now they do the silent treatment, they run off. They're so emotionally attached to it that it turns into a fight and a separ, you know, a distance between them. They get cold. And so while it is challenging, we have to like stay in it. Well, I think it's fascinating also and I don't know why this works, but it I think it does. If you learn to operate from the framework as though you were fun, you were this was taking place in a business setting and and for so many people that's easy to do. Oh, if I was at work, yeah, I would control myself. I wouldn't be yelling at my my um I would say colleagues or bosses. I don't want you to pretend like your wife is your boss, right? I wouldn't be yelling at my colleagues. I would be controlling myself and we would be having a conversation. Even if it got heated or passionate, we would still maintain a form of decorum. You can't get out of the boardroom and slam the door and run off like you're done. You're fired. Exactly. Right. We have disagreed on approaches and strategies, but ultimately we have been united in the parenting style that we use, which we're going to get to. Even even more so, I'd say we were united in desired outcomes and maybe or philosophies because there's been plenty of times when style has been different. One of your spouse's primary roles is to watch you do family life and offer feedback. So, please allow your spouse to hold up the mirror and and share their perspective. It doesn't make them right. Rachel's not right every time. I'm not right every time. Just cuz, well, hey, I watched that, babe. I doesn't make me right, right? But we have to listen to each other. And when we do, we can all be better. If we model for our children in the moment, how to how to intervene, how to humbly acknowledge what's going on, have self-awareness and situational awareness, how to take correction, how to apologize, and they see the whole thing. Mhm. Because I think sometimes to a fault there's a there's something's hand, you know, the kids do something whatever and it's handled wrong and nothing nobody says anything until they go afterwards in private and they talk to and they come back out and then it's never addressed. Everybody saw that it was handled wrong. Mhm. So what if we could repair it right there? Yeah. Like that's awesome. Now often most of us pretty hotheaded and so it doesn't work. We want to show our kids how to be able to do these things so that they then have the tools to do them with their siblings when they become adults. But I do want to say that if you're not there yet, okay, that's fine. Go behind closed doors and and start there so that you can practice together. If they know you are united and that you're two different very different people, but you're united in creating the same outcomes, they know they can't they can't pick you apart and they can't run to one for one thing and the other and and like nobody feels like there's any undermining of authority. It's like no, we're we're both trying to do the right thing. We're focused on what's right, not who's right. Yeah. And so it it isn't undermining my authority. we're we're working towards the ideal solution. There needs to be unity in the underlying approach to parenting because otherwise if you don't have that, kids feel insecure. They they learn how to manipulate one parent or the other. They learn how to divide you and to like pitch you against each other. Kids are smart and they can learn how to work the system and that like there's nothing wrong with that because that's actually just human nature, survival. like it it's just how humans work and I think we all do that to some degree. So being but being on the same page or being or having the same approach doesn't mean that we have to approach or or have the same style in the way that we implement the approach. So we need to understand these differences here. We can have the same approach and that's the words we're choosing to use. Have the same approach and the style of implementation is going to be different for mom and dad. Right? But the ultimately that the unity that's what provides the stability. That's what provides the the shared framework. That's what provides the structure that gives the kids that certainty that they need so much in order to really thrive. Yeah. They get safety, they get assurance, they get this sense of like, okay, there are boundaries here. There's standards. It's clear. There's a unity. Like I I know what's expected of me. And they want that. They want to feel that they're in a place that there's some clear structure, right? Hey there, this is Greg Denning. We want to reach as many people as possible and help as many families as possible with these conversations. And we want to keep this podcast adree forever. You can help us do that by subscribing on Spotify or Apple Podcast or wherever you listen your favorite platform and on YouTube. And leave a quick review and share your favorite episodes with friends and family. It makes a big difference. Thank you for being a part of this very important movement. So now here's where I want to talk through there's four different main parenting philosophies or approaches and I want to go through them really quickly so that we can understand them and of course I'm going to tell you there is one approach that is actually better than the others and it's backed up by research like it is the gold standard of parenting approaches. So it it's the parenting approach that we all need to be using. It makes sense, too. As you'll see, the one that works the best with children. When you talk through it, you're like, "Okay, that makes sense." Like that's that's I think as parents that's how we want to be. Mhm. Exactly. So, I'm going to read them first and then I'm actually going to expand more on them after. The first one is authoritarian, which is strict and fear-based leadership or totalitarian. Second, permissive, which is lenient and inconsistent. Third is neglectful. You're literally disengaged or even abusing. You're well, abusive could be involved in that, but you're neglectful or you're absent, right? Either physically or just mentally. Yeah, exactly. And then the last one is authoritative. So, as authoritative, you you have lots of love. You also have very high expectations and you have that's why I'm using the word authority again. You do have authority but it's authority based on love as opposed to Yeah. Exactly. Okay. So I guess people confuse often authoritarian and authoritative. So let's go with authoritative is you have authority that you earn. You have real influence from respect and love and results. like your children look at you and think, "Wow, this I want to be like that." Perion is just make that connection. It's bossy. I'm bigger, stronger. It's my way or the highway. I I make the rules and you'll do what I say or else. You're you're literally a tyrant, dictator, monster in your own home. even if you are a nice good person and you just want the good things for your kids that yeah you can you can be an authoritarian out of good motives but that doesn't change the fact that it doesn't work and so in case you haven't guessed obviously it's authoritative parenting style that is backed by research to be the best parenting style or approach that is out there so let's let's talk a little bit more about each of those so that we can understand why they don't work what it actually looks like in real life, you know, stuff like that. I I would say in general, dads are going to lean towards authoritarian, being the boss, and moms are going to lean towards permissiveness. And so, it's the competition between gentle parenting and harsh parenting. Either of which work, right? They just don't work. One of them raises weaklings and babies who think the world owes them something and they just want safety at all costs and and they want to be pampered and taken care of. Very entitled on the authoritarian side like entitled or um incapable in many ways. Yes. Very incompetent, very underdeveloped. Yeah. They're just little babies. They're grown babies. on the the bossy side, the dictatorship, your words come in. There's usually more competence there and um and even some more results, but it's buried in resentment and pain and very fixed mindsets. Um fear for sure. Yeah, massive amounts of fear. Uh the the internal dialogue, the inner voice is shame. It's mean. It's harsh. So, you're just racked with torment. Mhm. But like, okay, so you got stuff done. You forced yourself through it, but you're not enjoying uh life. Most of the people who grew up in environments like that, they don't like themselves and and they they end up, you know, passing that al Yeah, they're passing it along. They're not Yeah, you're right. They're there. It's just a lot of internal conflict there. And and nobody nobody likes to be controlled, right? And so an authoritarian is the the boss, the dictator. It's controlling. And no child, no person wants to be controlled. They don't. And so with the authoritarian style, it's a it's high control and low warmth. It's because I feel that I would say low respect, too. Well, right. Low respect for the child. Y and then of course that's not reciprocated. They have low resp the the child has low respect for the parent because of that. But the I think the warmth aspect is important because there's not a lot of that soft warm feelings because in order to be an authoritarian, you almost have to keep the cold demeanor because otherwise if you don't, it's like you feel you're going to be taken advantage of which you will be. you're going to be, you know, the rules are going to be pushed, the boundaries are going to be pushed. They will for sure because you haven't earned I guess another way to see this, we're trying to give you all the different angles. You're not a leader, you're a boss. Yeah. And people don't respect their bosses. And leaders are leaders because people want to follow them. That's true leadership. Where as soon as the boss turns back, ah, we're going to do the opposite. Yeah. And so the boss like, I have to keep being harsh cuz they'll take advantage of me. they'll rebel or or they'll be soft and weak and spoiled. I'm not going to let my kids be spoiled little brats. And so I'm I'm going to have to be the boss. And and I think the vast majority of people operate between those first two, you know, the dictatorship or the pacivity. They're just oscillating and they don't know there's other options. It's like I not let them do whatever they want. How do I get them to do it? I have to force them to do it. Right? So they're they're very strict. They're demanding obedience from their children, which, you know, we could do a whole podcast episode about how obedient children is not a good thing, right? It's not good for your kids to be obedient. And they rarely We can't just leave that hanging. Well, okay, you're hanging. We've done episodes on it because we're like, "Wait, what? I I thought obedience was the goal, the real goal, the ultimate ideal, like the best outcome is that your children on their own learn how to make good decisions and then make good decisions. They do the right thing for the right reason on their own, whether or not you're there or not. Right there. There may be no authority figure around. You might not be there. Nobody's there to tell them what to do. They think through it. They make the right decision and they hold themselves to a standard. That's the goal, right? And that is the opposite. Not the opposite, but it's very different from just merely being obedient. Well, you in fact, you can't get to that outcome if obedience is the main goal. If you're told to obey no matter what, without questioning, without uh debate, then you're not learning to think, you're just learning to follow orders, and that does not produce that outcome you just described. Right. Um, but part of authoritarian parenting is that they don't explain why the rules exist. They don't explain the reasoning, but which is part of this whole obedience thing. They're not explaining why I want you to keep the rule. You're not explaining why you need to do this thing. It's just because I said so. You're supposed to obey me. And that is not healthy. You want to raise welladjusted kids. That does not work. Will not work. Especially because the kids will be grossly underdeveloped, right? And there is an exception to almost every rule, right? It's true. And so you actually want to teach your kids that there are exceptions to the rules. I maybe the best example of that is in the Bible. The the Bible is just a book of contradictions. Exactly. And as you read through that, like, okay, no, this this is powerful. It's important, right? Like there are exceptions. And so then as mom and dad, as we're parenting, like let's teach our kids how to think. Yeah. and and to understand that there are exceptions sometimes and here's why and here's why it would be an exception. And so we have to learn how to think about when are the exceptions and when do we follow the rules and that's that's true authority on the best form of parenting. True authority is when I've thought through something and I can explain it to a child at their level so they get it and they can repeat it back to me and they they can agree. They're like, "Yeah, I see what you're saying and it makes sense to me and so I'm no longer going to fight you on that thing. We don't have to have a battle because I'm in. That's the real power there. Because when you can explain something to your child well enough that they get it and they then choose to opt in and keep the rule because it makes sense to them, that's where you have real power. That's the power of authoritative parenting. Yeah. There's no more battle. as opposed to with authoritarian parenting where you pun you you focus on punishing them if they don't keep the rules or threatening them to keep the rules or bribing them to keep the rules. That doesn't work because it's all externally motivated instead of internally motivated. Let's have standards. Let's have boundaries. Let's operate by principles and let's talk through it as a family. Let's let's decide how do we want to do life together? what's the what's the better way? And then everyone agrees like, "Oh yeah, well this this is the better way. Let's do that." And we don't have to have a rule. We don't have to have 10 rules around that dumb thing. It sounds like a government gash. Like of course in authoritarian we touched on it like the emotional connection is limited because we're we're not focused on connecting with our child as much as we are on controlling our child. Y we want them to obey the rules and follow the rules because we think that that's how you I'm here to tell them what to do, right? And so kids often can appear well behaved or like good kids, but they are going to struggle with self-esteem. They're going to struggle with shame, guilt, like we mentioned. They're operating out of fear-based motivation. And of course, later they often rebel. In fact, if they don't rebel while they're living in your home, they're probably going to rebel, at least turn away from many of your standards when they get older because they just thought, "I hated it the whole time." So, you can have obedient and anxious children, but they're going to be resentful. Yeah. The relationship almost always suffers tremendously under this parenting approach. And we because we work with a lot of parents, I mean, we see this all the time. parents who use authoritarian the authoritarian approach they have children who resent them who rebel who even sometimes hate them because they have been so heavy handed okay the second one though permissive and this could be summarized as something like well I just want them to be happy so I'm going to let them do what they want so they can be happy it's low control there's lots of warmth this is kind of the gentle parenting of like oh I'm just here I'm going to let my kids choose cuz they know best. Let them dec. We literally just heard this again recently. I'm just going to let my kids decide what's best for them. And anyone who says that literally has no earthly idea about child development, right? Or child psychology. Yeah. Like you have no idea what's happening in your child's brain and what they're capable of. They need clear structure and boundaries because otherwise it feels unsafe. It feels frightening. You literally remove all boundaries from your child. It's not freeing. It's terrifying, right? That's how they feel with no boundaries. They need to have clear standards, clear expectations, clear boundaries so they feel safe. That's what they need. But with permissive parents, they're indulgent. They avoid conflict. And so they will just let them do whatever as opposed to conflict with them in order to hold those boundaries. And I think it's important right there to point out that kids will test boundaries. They they have to. That's their job. That they're going to go you're going to say, "Hey, don't do that." They're going to do it. Mhm. And you think you've just rotten evil little monster. It's like no, that's that's just part of being alive. You're going to test boundaries cuz they want to know is it really a boundary? And so or with a permissive style, if you think, oh, well, that just it must just mean that that's what they need. They need to live beyond those boundaries. So, I'm not going to enforce the rules and be on their screens all the time. They're pushing the boundaries because they need to know where the boundary is. They need to feel that security and that safety of like, oh, okay, here's here's the fence. Kind of like when you have cows, right? They're pushing to see where's the fence. Okay, now when I know where the fence is, now I can operate comfortably, safely, securely because I know what the limits are. Exactly. Um, but if if they don't have those boundaries, they there's also no accountability. They they can't develop accountability. They can't develop responsibility because there's no boundaries. Like it's literally impossible to do that if you don't have boundaries and expectations in place. So they can feel loved from you still, but they're going to feel anxious. They're going to feel insecure. They're going to feel kind of like how do I manage my world because it's too big. It's too large for me to grasp and to try to make clear decisions in. Right? So, and then they also of course struggle with with authority figures, but I think they also struggle with their own individual authority. They're they're going to be lacking in that confidence of like, yes, I'm going to be certain and clear and proactive and active and so they're not going to be very productive or effective or self uh directed. Exactly. So, the result of this approach is that kids often have poor impulse control. They cannot control their emotions. They can't um control their desires or wants. They're entitled. They're spoiled. And they struggle with not only um following structure in society in general, but in maintaining their own structure. So, and that's going to lead to like mental illness. Yes. Holding their own standards and setting goals and targets and achieving them and and setting up habits and routines and setting boundaries for themselves. So, like, no, I'm not going to eat that stuff and I'm not going to stay up all night playing games like cuz there's like there's no point in not doing that. Like, why should I have any rules or expectations at all? Okay. Uh, neglectful is some is this is more like I'm just too busy. I'm just too busy to parent you, right? Whether it could be intentional, unintentional, life is chaotic. You're dealing with your own issues and so you just don't have time for your kids. There's low control, low warmth, and and you hear this, you immediately think, oh, those are those must be the bad people. They must be bad parents that are negligent. Like, how terrible. Who would do that? But the reality is that's happening so much today. Yeah. Because of distraction. Mhm. And chaos, devices, screen time, overloaded lives. Yeah. So, we have so many screens, we have so many activities, and in an effort to be a good parent, we have our kids enrolled in everything, right? And we get them the latest and greatest of devices and stuff and things. And as the mom, we're driving them everywhere, taking them here, there. And so in in unintentionally, we've become a neglectful parent because we are just so busy, so overwhelmed, so unavailable for them. There's no time for us to sit and talk to our child because we've got to go here, now we've got to go there, and so it's almost we're not with them. Yeah. It seems like definitely not mentally and emotionally, right? You're the taxi driver. physically be with them, but you're not there mentally and emotionally because you're worrying and thinking about this could just be caused from worry. You're stressed and worried about everything else and so you're emotionally unavailable because you just can't you can't handle 100%. Or you're dealing with neighborhood drama or church drama or family drama. Yeah, extended family drama. So, you actually become a negligent parent because you're so worried about something happening with your in-laws or your siblings or whatever, you know, and you're at at the PTA or this organization or your choir, your sport, helping everyone else but not your children because yeah, they're too busy for that. And I think it's so important. Drop the hammer on this one because it does. When you think about neglectful parenting, you do tend to think of some abusive person or some person who never wanted to have kids, but it's not that. It's often good, intentioned parents who are good people, but literally just are mentally, emotionally checked out because they're so worried and busy with so many other things. So, the mental load's too big. Dads do this a ton by pursuing business. We see this all the time with business owners, entrepreneurs, or businessmen. dad becomes a neglectful parent. He's just not there. He's trying to climb the ladder and he's doing it quote for his family and he really wants to be financially successful. So, he's chasing it down and I see this all the time. And I think it's important to point out that we can as parents be a combination of these as well depending on the situation. So, we could be this neglectful parent and then when we are with our kids then we're authoritarian or permissive. Permissive. Yeah. I I I did want to point that out and really emphasize that. Hopefully, as you're listening, you're like, "Oh, yeah. I've done I've done the black and the boss one or the other and the dictator and I've been permissive. Um and I've been neglectful and probably at times been authoritative. I've done all three today every day. So neglectful doesn't mean you're like letting your child starve in the street or something. Basic needs can be met, but there's little guidance. There's little connection. You're not like super involved in your child. And again, there's a balance here. You don't have to be the helicopter parent like hovering all the time and involved with everything. That's also not healthy. But there needs to be connection there. So you're not you're not doing things for them. Ideally, you're doing things with them, right? And you're being that's why that's why our parenting our new parenting course is so critically important because it's parent mentoring. Mhm. And the mentor, mentoring your kids is the opposite of being neglectful, right? So neglectful parenting is like what? I I pay the bills, they have a house, you know, I tell them I love them, they're good. What's the problem here? Let me live my life cuz you're not involved. Mhm. You're so caught up in your own life and your own stuff and things. Or you just walk in, it's like, "Kid, be good. I'll tell you what to do." But you're not coaching them. You're not mentoring them. you're not guiding them. And so it's it's negligence, right? And we've had parents even ask us like, "I get bored hanging out with my kids. Like, I I don't want to hang out. I don't want to spend time with them. It's just not interesting." And that's a form of neglect because one, it's not their fault. It's your fault if they're boring and you can't find anything to do with them. And two, you're their parent. So that's your job to mentor them and to be there and guide them. Yep. if they're annoying or if whatever for whatever reason you don't like your kids or you like being with them, that's on you, man. Yes. That is on you, right? And so, mentor your kids, get involved to help them become people you love spending time with. Exactly. So, with neglectful parenting, obviously, kids end up feeling abandoned or lonely or that they have to raise themselves because their parents are too busy. Y they often can have poor self-regulation, attachment issues of course, and a low selfworth. Yeah. So finally to author authoritative which is the oh you guys standard this was so many times we Rachel and I get to meet with adults every day and with adults 30s 40s 50s 60s we are still hearing about how they struggle because their parents were one of these right three ineffective things like I had to do everything cuz my mom was never there you on and on like it's it drags through life with them. This stuff lasts decades. It's it is not just a temporary small thing. This is not insignificant, right? And I think too few parents realize that because one, now that they are parents, they're finally realizing the lasting impact their childhood has on them now. Um, and so as a result too, they're not being intentional enough about how they're raising their children to try to give them as much of an advantage as possible. Okay. Authoritative. Authoritative is firm and kind. Beautiful. Which is possible. You can be firm and you can be kind. There's high control, meaning there's order and expectations. There's order. There's standards. But there's also high warmth. There's lots of love. There's lots of fun. There's lots of playfulness, right? It's not cold distant authoritarianism. Um so parents set clear expectations like you know they know exactly and so we should talk about this because we mentioned oh well the difference is you have expectations or standards or boundaries but not rules. It's so subtle and so important here because when when you say it's authoritative, which is the good one and that there expectations, the authoritarian starts thinking, well, that's what I do. I have all all of my expectations are very clear. I rules for everything. I expect you to Yeah. do this. But it's not working because it on the surface it looks similar. the authoritarian and authoritative. It looks similar, but there are subtle differences that are very significant. Well, the best way I think I can mentally picture this in my mind because it is difficult to grasp in a lot of ways, but I see it as in fact you drew it out the other day and I thought it was perfect because at first I was seeing well it's like a fortress with these four walls and but then you drew it out and it was like here it's kind of messy and all over the place but the wall is still there. It's like, okay, this is allowed, but this isn't allowed. And that's here in the, you know, so it's a little bit more um flexible and organic as family life often is. Family life is not just rigid straight lines, 90° angles, you know, that's not family life. So, in some ways, the boundaries are a little bit quirky and yeah, and it looks it looks odd and you're like, "Wait a minute. You don't allow that, but you do allow that. That that doesn't make any sense." And you're like, "Well, it makes perfect sense when we walk through it and explain it, understand it." Exactly. Oh, well, yeah. No wonder. And then, well, wait a minute, you got a hard line there, but then over here you have a gate. And And the gate, you can open the gate. Yeah, of course you can. But it's a privilege gate, right? And so if we live by the standard then we get to open the gate and we get access to that thing but otherwise that gate stays closed right so it's not a you know 100 foot wall that's never available and we have these you know scary threatening rah terrible things that's very dictatorship like if you have a rule that you don't get on the table that's hard and fast it's black and white and so of course when the child gets on the table which every parent who has that rule knows their child is going to get on the table. Like you just know even if you don't and then when it happens you freak out as though I told you how how could you dare get on the table? That's our family. That's that's when the real problems come. Like that's what causes the breaks in relationships in family life because we have these hard and fast rules and when our children act like children we get upset that they behave that way. So we create a battle and now there's a riff between us. It it becomes it's this drama and it's painful and there's this a real withdrawal in the relationship. It really hurt and it was all be caused because you set a dumb rule. Well, right. A rule that based on how the world really works cannot be kept 100% of the time, right? Because children are children and especially if your rules go against the nature of children. Yes. I think that's important to emphasize. So, and a dictator boss Well, let me just say real quick. If your rule requires that children behave like adults, yeah, your rule is dumb. That is not healthy. And so that that is part of this difference between rules and standards is that in a standard it's age appropriate. Y so you behave at your age level but within certain appropriate boundaries, right? So then we go back to the table and you know I didn't have a rule about you don't get on the table but I did have an expectation that we have good manners when we're eating which includes not getting on the table. And so when they would get on the table, which inevitably they do because they're kids, authoritarian, could happen during dinner, right? The the boss or the dictator or tyrant screams, yells, punishes. It makes an ugly scene. Yes. And it's like everybody feels like crap. The authoritative, which is the positive who's holding the standard, walks over and grabs him and says, "Hey, remember we don't get on the table during dinner. We don't get up there, so come on down." And they do it again. Nope. Hey, come on. Come here. And if you do it again, you're not going to be allowed to sit near the table. You'll have to sit over there. There is a natural consequence, right? I'm not going to be like, "You're grounded or you're going to time out or solid." No, it's like it's it's authoritative, which is the good one, has very natural consequences. Instead, instead of punishments, natural consequences. So, if you keep getting on the table while we're eating, then I'm going to back your chair up. So, you can't reach the table. So, you can't reach the table. So, you don't get to use the table. You have to sit right over here. You're still with us. You still get to eat. You're still part of the family. There's a natural consequence. I just had to distance you from the the thing you were doing. Yes. And I'm I'm calm. I'm not upset. I'm correcting the behavior. I'm teaching. I'm mentoring. I'm guiding. And I slip away instead of hard rule. I will scream and yell and spank your butt and make a big scene and and you're going to cry and everyone's going to feel like crap, right? Cuz I just ruined the whole dinner. Exactly. Because we have a rule in our family that we all sit down together and have dinner together. But the problem and then dinner sucks and all of your kids hate sitting down to a meal with you because you're a dictator and a tyrant. The problem is and the irony is that in that scenario, many parents blame the child. Absolutely. They say the child is the one that ruined the dinner because they wouldn't obey me and kept getting on the table. Exactly. Oh my goodness. So, so parents are blaming children for being children. For being children while they're simultaneously not being the adult and taking responsibility for the situation. Oh, the irony. Yes. I So, being the adult in the family does not mean being the boss, right, in the family, right? It means being the leader. Yeah. And and it emphasizes like you were you just explained in that scenario that discipline is rooted in teaching not in punishment. Yes. Yes. Yes. Because especially because what else you would do in that scenario is you would talk to them again and remind them, hey, remember look at your feet or look at your shoes, they're dirty. You were just outside today. You were running on the street. I don't want the dog poop and the dirt from outside on my table, especially while we are eating. And so you're you're teaching them why why is this a thing so that they're like, "Oh, okay. Yeah, you're right. I did step in dog poop. I don't want to get that on the table. I should not get on the table." Right? The teaching is the key element there because otherwise, going back to the whole idea of just blind obedience, they're not actually learning. Yep. They're just learning to keep rules out of fear. Well, and they're not learning how to think and they're not learning how to make good decisions on their own, right? Where Yeah. The write this down, memorize it, internalize it. The absolute best form of discipline is teaching. Yes. And many parents will say, "Well, I just don't have time for that. I just like I need to get dinner done so I can go do this or I do this thing or take care of that." And so they think, "Well, this takes more effort. It takes more work. It takes more thinking." instead of they get punished right away for breaking the rule and it's done. I have to do this multiple times and I have to say it multiple times. But what they don't realize is that the one process is again emphasizing fear empa emphasizing um obeying without questioning which does not develop critical thinking skills or um well I mean ultimately it's not it's not creating emotional intelligence and individual awareness right because they're not taught to pay attention to their own bodies or their own thoughts or their own emotions. They're taught to just do what the authority figure tells them, which is unhealthy. Simultaneously, they're not taught to pay attention to themselves or their surroundings or others. Yeah. Situational awareness. When when you put an arm around and be like, "Here, take a look at that and notice that and see that." So, with what you see right here, what would be the best behavior? And kids are sharp. They're like, "Oh, it'd be this and this." Like, exactly. Yeah. So now you notice it now you know what to do instead of I tell you what to do and and they're like I don't even understand why because you didn't teach them how to have that awareness. And so when you use the authoritative style you're teaching them autonomy. You're teaching them how to think through situations and you're teaching them to be intelligent mentally, emotionally, socially as opposed to just well I'm used to just doing what someone tells me to do and otherwise I don't have a clue. Right? which we've seen that with families. I want to emphasize what you're saying there with time. If we teach and mentor our kids, it will take a lot of extra minutes. Yes. A lot that'll turn into hours. Mhm. If we don't, guaranteed, there will be hundreds and thousands of hours you spend later in life trying to repair horrible things that have happened. Mhm. And it's goes into the hundreds of thousands of dollars and thousands of hours pleading, praying, desperately doing anything to try to get your kids to make good decisions when you could have prevented all of that with a few extra minutes here and there every day, teaching them how to think, right? And that's something that I I just want to somehow drill into parents heads so they understand that framework because they are they're so willing well no they're not willing to invest that time because it feels like an inconvenience. It feels like it's extra effort but they don't realize that they're going to be paying for it either way. You're paying up front or you're paying on the back end with trying to fix things. It's way more worth it to pay up front with the extra effort because as a result you end up raising welladjusted kids where they're confident, they're capable, they know how to think, they know how to make decisions. Like that's the outcome that you get when you're willing to make those authoritative investments. Beautiful. Okay. Love you guys. Reach upwards.

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