#56 Watch Your Words—Understanding the true effects of sarcasm, mockery and jest.

Rachel Denning (00:06.51)
Hey guys, this is Greg Denning and you are in the school of awesome sauce where I share with you amazing stories and strategies to help you live an extraordinary life.

Rachel Denning (00:23.598)
Hey my friends, good morning! Woo! Man, that's, it has been such an awesome week. Like genuinely, seriously awesome! I'm getting busier and busier. Got a couple more coaching clients and my schedule's just getting packed. I'm getting more invitations to speak. And so just this week, I was, had the privilege of presenting online to an online conference three times this week.

plus all my coaching, plus classes I'm doing, and other presentations, so I'm in it presenting two, three, four, five times a day. Whoa, man, it's awesome, I love this stuff. And you know what the best part is? Absolute best part is you guys and my coaching clients and my students, both youth students and adult students, is going through the courses and the classes and.

Every week we're getting these success stories that I'm, man, I just, I get so stoked, I just get giddy. Like they're having this huge transformation. My coaching clients are coming back, like, I feel unbelievable. I haven't felt this great in years. And just in a couple weeks of working with you and making these transformations, and it's physical and it's spiritual and it's emotional and mental and social and in their marriage and their relationships and their health and.

it's awesome. It's awesome. I love this. I don't love this. I love you guys. I love what I get to do. It's so powerful. So man, I get to work with some of the best people on earth and it is a privilege. All right, my friends, I've got something crazy important to talk about today. And it became really, I became aware of it and I probably wasn't, unfortunately, until my early 20s that I just...

came to this realization, but it keeps coming up. I've seen it in thousands and thousands of experiences with people around the world, and it came up again this week. And so I wanted to talk about it. This time it came up with my kiddos, and they're involved in some classes and groups and things, and so it came up with a teacher. And you see it constantly among youth and children.

Rachel Denning (02:48.366)
But this issue is massively in our society and in media. It's a huge problem all throughout our whole culture. But it's also in our homes. And it's in our schools. And it's in our classrooms, all kinds of classrooms. It's in our hobbies and teams and gatherings. And it's in our churches. I mean, it's just everywhere.

And it's the challenge of words.

and using our words in a way.

that.

Well, here's the problem. The problem is we end up using words that inadvertently cause a lot of pain. That's the issue right there that I want to talk about. And what's interesting is like we don't, most of the time, well, most of the time we're not doing it intentionally. Sometimes we get angry and we say mean or hurtful things.

Rachel Denning (03:59.277)
Can you think of that? Can you think of a time that you got upset about something, you said something, and then afterwards you're like, I wish I had never ever said that. Or even more powerful of a lesson, can you think of a time somebody got upset and said something to you and you held onto it, maybe even until now, years later? Those kind of things come up in coaching sessions as well.

of like when we take on this identity or we have this insecurity or a real struggle with something, it's often because of what somebody said to us years ago and we took on those words and we held onto them. Whoa, right? Never ever underestimate the power of your words, my friends. They, wow, wow.

So I came up this week with some kids and some other youth and then my kids and so I just wanted to share about some things I learned. So here's what's interesting. So years ago, you guys know my story, I was really shy, I was really timid, I was socially insecure. I lacked self -confidence, I lacked social confidence. So when I started, I wanted to be more social, I wanted to connect with people, I was particularly shy around girls.

And so what I started to do, and I notice this all the time, and after I share this with you, you're going to notice it all the time too. But what I started to do was tease. And I used teasing and sarcasm a ton, and jesting. And so I started using words like that because, now looking back, because I was uncomfortable. I was shy. I was nervous. And so I started teasing a lot.

And I did it through late teens, early 20s. Unfortunately, and I say this with deep regret, probably most of the way through college, dating and social gatherings, I used teasing a lot and I wasn't alone, unfortunately. It would be great to look back and say, hey, I was the only one in our group that was teasing and being sarcastic. I wasn't. It seemed to be a thing. And when I'm observing,

Rachel Denning (06:25.229)
Other young adults or youth or now adults, we grew up, there was this shift. There was a shift in our culture, in our way of being with each other. And we've literally been trained. We have been trained and conditioned through media and through social conditioning to use jest and mockery and sarcasm. And it's...

almost always at the expense of another person.

And we laugh because, you know, clever writers come up with the funniest lines and the funniest things. And then we take them and we pass them along. And then then we literally have been trained and conditioned to just poke at each other and stab each other. Anyone makes a mistake, boy, we mock it endlessly and we hold on to it for years and we keep bringing it back up with them and come up with all these new funny jokes and ways to remind them that they made a mistake. And you see what I'm saying? Like this gets.

This gets serious fast and we've picked up this habit and so many of us, we're not even aware of it. It's so deeply ingrained in our social conditioning, in our training that we're not even aware of it. And we'll literally, some people will literally just, I mean, it's an immediate reaction that's almost subconscious. Like somebody says something or does something and we jump all over it. And what does it do? It like terrifies people. No wonder we're all so,

deathly afraid of making mistakes or failing. No wonder we have this intense, intense fear of failure because we cannot stand the thought of public disapproval or any disapproval. And it's happened to us so many times throughout our lives that like, if we make a mistake, we're gonna get ripped to pieces.

Rachel Denning (08:27.181)
And so no wonder, my friends, that we're all wearing masks around and putting on the facade and the pretense because heaven forbid anyone know that we're struggling with something or that we're not perfect. And so we put on the air of having it all together to our own detriment and loneliness and struggle. Whoa, man, this is a big, big ugly issue.

And so I picked it up too. I was right in the middle of it and teasing and laughing and mockery and sarcasm and outwardly everyone's laughing. Haha, it's so funny. Yeah. this is great. And I am sitting there saying, look, I have social skills now. but I didn't. man. I thought I did. And I thought that was socializing. And I looked around for confirmation and like, yeah, everybody's doing this.

We're all making fun of each other. This is how we bond. But my friends, I was sadly mistaken.

You never ever bond when you tear someone down.

that sink in. You never bond and you never build when you're tearing someone down. And you might be saying, well come on don't be so extreme. Come on, lighten up a little bit, have some fun. And it's not a big deal. I said that and everybody was laughing. Yeah of course they were because they're trying to save face. Some people laugh in the moment.

Rachel Denning (10:06.733)
and cry themselves to sleep.

and I'm being dead serious.

And even if they don't cry themselves to sleep, it makes this cut. It leaves a scar and a wound that sometimes lasts for years or even decades. And when you work with people enough and intimately and openly and you get people to really open up and be honest about their feelings and their insecurities, which, which honestly, most people never have that experience because we're all so guarded. We're all so guarded and we have so many layers of walls up, these emotional walls.

and barriers, we keep people way at a distance. Even our close friends and family, we keep them at a distance. But I've just had the amazing privilege of building a relationship with people and working with people that have been able to penetrate those walls and get the true story. And when you hear the true story again and again and again, like I do, you start to see how serious things are. And...

you start to see things differently. These little interactions we have with each other, you start seeing them differently because you realize how impactful they can be. Our words matter, my friends, they do. And again, when I started to become aware of it, I was like, it's not that big of a deal. We're just playing, we're having fun. I'm not being mean. And so I went through these progressive stages of like, I'm not gonna say mean things, right? And I'm not gonna be a mean person, I'm gonna be a good person. But I was still so sarcastic. And what's fascinating, even now,

Rachel Denning (11:40.813)
Like little sarcasm will slip right out in a moment, like something will happen on me. And like it's almost unconscious, it's crazy, I did it for so long. And this is two decades ago. It'll slip right out because of our social conditioning. And fortunately, my wife or kids will be like, hey dad, that was sarcastic. And I'm like, you guys, I'm so sorry. Whoa, that just came right out. And so.

Like I'm definitely not perfect at this and I went through these stages of progression but then finally I got to this point where I'm like, you know what? Like I'm gonna try with all my might to not make any humor at all at the expense of another person. Like we've gotta remove that and get it out of our way because it's having a huge effect. And if you don't think it's having an effect, it is.

I'm just going to be straight with you. It totally is having an effect. It's affecting your marriage. It's affecting your kids. It's affecting your relationships with your spouse, with your kids, them with each other, with society, with siblings. I mean, it is affecting. And you're like, but that's how our family is. That's kind of our culture. We're kind of, we're jabbing, we're stabbing, we're playing. Yeah, you know what? That is toxic. And I know some of you are like, OK, Greg, you've gone a little too far here. You've been a little extreme.

Trust me, this is one of those times where I'm like, hey, trust me on this one. Trust me on this one. It's more serious than we think it is. A lot more. And are they ever gonna tell you that? Of course not, are you kidding? The people you jest with and mock with, they're gonna tell you that it hurts their feelings? Yeah, right! What's the first thing that's gonna happen if they express their true feelings? Bam, they're gonna get some, jest some mockery.

And so it literally shuts down, completely shuts people down. And so it removes their willingness to participate, to share their true feelings, to be authentic. No wonder we struggle being authentic in our society. Who dares be themselves?

Rachel Denning (13:55.021)
I'm serious, like, who dares make an honest comment in a group setting or a classroom?

Right? We've been trained and conditioned just whoop, don't you dare. You will be mocked and you'll be torn down. You'll be ripped up and down like, whoa. And so we've created this very unsafe.

situation.

So here, let me, you guys, I've become a word nerd. I love words, my goodness, I love words. And I've realized that we, most of us use a lot of words that we don't really understand. We think we understand it, like you say, you know, so here's a perfect example. The word sarcasm. What is sarcasm? And you're like, yeah, it's kind of, it's being ironic, you know, it's like saying the opposite and kind of making a joke of it. That's sarcasm. So check out these definitions.

I love this stuff and I love I love one of my favorite books in the world is just a good dictionary So powerful now watch this. Okay, watch watch this awesomeness several definitions of the word sarcasm, right? Number one it is the use of irony to mock or convey contempt

Rachel Denning (15:13.933)
Woo. Okay, now when you put it like that, let's back up here. When you put it like that, how many of you would like to mock your children or convey contempt?

And some of you are like, there are times. excuse me. Excuse me. I'm still getting over this little chest thing.

But, but, but all like...

soul to soul, like human to human. When we clear out all the social...

And it's just one soul to another. Is that the kind of person you want to be?

Rachel Denning (16:07.949)
that the kind of human being you want to be? Do you want to be a person that mocks another human being? Another precious soul? Or that conveys contempt?

Rachel Denning (16:22.957)
Now sometimes, sometimes there's going to be some contempt for behaviors.

Rachel Denning (16:32.749)
not people. Okay, let's keep going. Second definition, a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance. Check this out. Designed to cut or give pain.

Whoa.

Rachel Denning (16:58.797)
Whoa, can you feel that? Sarcasm is a comet designed to cut or give pain. Okay, another one. A mode of satirical wit, depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that's usually directed against an individual. Yo, man, these are...

So sarcasm is mean. It is fighting. It is intended to cut and give pain. And you're like, OK, you're being a little extreme. But let's even back up here. This is like super nerd. This is super word nerd. So you go to the etymology of the word, like its original base, right? And there's a French word, sarcasm, or a Latin, sarcasmos, meaning

Both meaning sarcasm, right? From the Greek word, sarcasmos. Well, no. Yeah, from sarcazine. my goodness. So I'm not even pronouncing those right. But here's the base meaning of the word. To tear flesh.

Rachel Denning (18:20.269)
Holy cow!

Okay, the original Greek meaning of the word is to tear flesh.

And so it says here, it's a remark made usually to hurt someone's feelings and to show scorn.

Rachel Denning (18:45.005)
Does that hit home, my friends?

Rachel Denning (18:51.789)
Sometimes.

Rachel Denning (18:56.013)
It seems so harmless. Right? And that's how it came up again this week with my kiddos. Is a super good guy. Super good guy. Loves youth.

Rachel Denning (19:16.397)
But his way to connect with them, unfortunately...

is through teasing and mockery and sarcasm. And I'm sure it's with the best of intents that he wants to be friends with them and that's what you do and so I'm going to do it too to be, you know, kind of be buddy buddy with them. But what's interesting is...

Rachel Denning (19:44.685)
You guys, we lose respect. Somebody might like you, but they probably won't respect you. And years ago, I learned that lesson. It's more important and more valuable to be respected than to be liked, in my perspective. For me, I decided years ago, I literally remember making that decision writing down, I'd rather be respected than liked. If somebody doesn't like me because of what I do,

Okay, but the respect it. But if I compromise respect for liking, basically I feel like I would be compromising my standards, right? Giving up honor for likes. Whoa.

You see the power here? And so sometimes even with the best of intentions, we jump in with a crowd and we start acting like peers. And it's so deeply ingrained in our society, it's everywhere. I mean, we have been conditioned and trained to pick up on the littlest things with the sarcasm and the mockery and the jest. And even if it's done in a...

in a way that's not meant to inflict pain, we never know how it actually truly lands. And even the simplest thing, it seems so harmless. Again, I've talked to people and they're like, yeah, you know, somebody made that comment and I've just been thinking about it and yeah, I think they're right. I'm not very this or the other, you know, and it digs in and we might be saying, come on, you need to have a little bit thicker skin. You need to toughen up a little bit and.

You need to have that. But that's why I wanted to share this message today, my friends. We've got to carefully consider the power of our words. And yeah, I agree with you. We need some more thick skin. But doesn't thick skin come from a really strong identity and having...

Rachel Denning (21:35.885)
you know, a really healthy, being a really healthy being. Cause if you scrape, if you scrape your skin, you know, you got a scratch on there and you just keep scratching it. Every day you scratch it, scratch it, scratch it. And it's trying to scab over, but you keep scratching it off and scratching it. Cause like, I'm trying to get tough skin here. And you keep scratching, you just keep this wound open and you keep scratching it. It can get infected. This little thing can turn into a big issue that never heals.

And that's kind of the reasoning behind, if I keep making fun of you, you'll get thick skin. No, you won't.

You'll get a wound there and it'll stay there and it might get infected.

Getting some thick skin comes from having somebody.

Just having this really good, healthy identity about yourself, of knowing who you are and being loved and praised and honored, and having people around you that support you and love you and build you up and help you know who you really are and what you're capable of and somebody always there, that you are 100 % absolutely certain they will never mock you. They will not tear you down. They will not use sarcasm. You are safe with them. You can trust them.

Rachel Denning (22:50.573)
Because guess what? You can't trust. This is fascinating. Like sarcasm removes trust. It's in a subtle, subtle way. If you're constantly sarcastic, like I was, like I used to be, almost without saying it, I don't even know that anyone would articulate it. But when there's really sarcastic, it lowers trust. You lose trust. And when you stop being sarcastic.

People can trust you and then they're willing to open up. And my friends, people have opened up to me and even strangers. I could tell you story after story all over the world. And they'll come up to me and they're like, I don't know why, I just feel like I can totally trust you and I need to share something with you. And then they'll often say, I've never shared this with another living person.

They'll come say to me, hey, I got something I gotta get off my chest that I've never told anyone else before. And they'll tell me. And so I've been trusted to hear, you guys, I could tell you stories. my land, the most unbelievable stories. Great tragedies.

things that people have seen or experienced or felt, they've never told anyone else. They never felt like they had someone they could turn to. And I'm telling you, often it's like they don't even know me that well, but they're like, hey, I just have to talk to you a couple of times. I feel like I can trust you. Can I talk to you for a second? yeah, of course. You can always talk to me. And it's a huge opportunity to have influence. And part of it has been that I just, I try to remove that from my life.

And when I think about the great mentors and the great leaders and the best men and women that have ever lived, can you see them being really sarcastic and mean? Poking fun and mocking and even in jest? Can you see them doing that?

Rachel Denning (24:58.637)
Can you see Mother Teresa doing that? Or Martin Luther King? Or Gandhi? Or Jesus? Can you see these great spiritual leaders and great men and women sitting there going, bah! you just dropped your food! Bah! And going on and on. Can you see them do that? No way! I can't! In fact, I can't even imagine them even being slightly amused or snickering when they overhear somebody else doing it.

I can't. I can see them instead saying, hey guys, let's never say that about another human being. Let's not treat each other that way. And then can't you see them walking over and putting their arm around the person being made fun of? Even in jest, even when everyone's laughing, they walk over and say, you know what? That's not true. That's not who you really are. That's not your true identity. So my friends, let's improve and in some cases dramatically transform.

the way we're using words with each other. And yes, it is totally possible to still laugh until your gut hurts and to have a blast and have fun and have a great relationship without the mockery. It is totally possible. So stop tearing yourself down and stop tearing others down. Watch what happens.

watch what happens. It's super powerful. Love you guys. Remember awesome is always an option. Reach upward.

Rachel Denning (26:38.445)
Hey everybody, thanks so much for listening to this episode. I hope you got a lot of value out of it and found some things that you can apply to your life right away. Hey, I'm being totally sincere when I say I live to help you live your extraordinary life. So I hope you'll reach out to me if you have any questions or let me know how I can help you in any important area of your life. And in fact, you know, this podcast is brought to you by the School of Awesome Sauce monthly coaching program. Take advantage of that, get in there. It's the -

best way to get a breakthrough to the next level so you can level up your health, your spirituality, your emotions, your mind, your relationships, your finances, business, every part of your life. Just get in there where you have a coach and a mentor, you have a supportive community to make things happen. So jump in there, take advantage of this, try it out, get in there with us and level up your life. See you on the inside. Reach upward.