#72 How to Deal With Hurtful Words and Difficult Interactions

Rachel Denning (00:01.23)
Hey my friends, welcome to another episode of the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. Man, do I have a lot of great things to share today. So it's gonna kinda be a compilation of a lot of thoughts and a lot of ideas and I hope it'll be, I'm confident it'll be transformational and give you some insights and a -ha's and strategies to work with other people. It's just hard working with other people.

from coworkers to even family members and it can be really challenging and what's interesting is we've been trained

We've been trained into the way we interact with people and we've actually consciously or unconsciously have been training others how they should interact with us. Let, let that sink in. We'll get into all that. This is so good. There's so much coming on, but we're entering the holiday season here in the United States and that actually brings, brings a lot more interaction, interaction with other shoppers and interaction with family members, family member get togethers.

gatherings, parties with friends. And what's really fascinating is for a lot of us, that stirs up a lot of emotion and a lot of conflict and a lot of drama. And nobody likes that. Nobody wants that in their life, even though some of us perpetuate it. We don't want it. And it's frustrating and it brings up all this pain. And so what we're gonna talk about today is just like,

Wait a minute, how do we really do this? How do we pause and say, you know what, I don't want the drama in my life anymore. I don't want the emotional triggers. I don't want the upset, the pain, the hurt. I don't want to behave like I've behaved before in my life. I don't want others to treat me that way anymore. There's all these different things that are coming out and they'll come out in this conversation from people I work with all around the world, all the time, and experiences I've had for years.

Rachel Denning (02:10.157)
And like, okay, let's get this to a place, because I want you to imagine with me, my friends, imagine a family gathering that just turns out perfectly.

And a lot of you are like, bah, not possible. Never going to happen. But I want you to picture it happening for you, regardless of what other people choose to do.

that independent of their actions and words, you have this inner calmness, this inner peace, this inner joy, and you just walk away with so much gratitude and meaning and you just feel wonderful. That, that my friends, is so possible. And so I wanna talk about that today.

Part of this kind of started up because of the season and we have a lot of family triggers, right? And pathways, we have these patterns. What's interesting is a lot of us will, when we get back together with our families, we will revert back to childish mindsets and behaviors. You know what I'm talking about? And I want you to think about for yourself, when you go back to interact with...

Siblings and parents aunts and uncles grandparents, whatever. Maybe you go back and get together for family family gatherings and things If we're not really careful and really conscious, it's easy to slip back into old patterns old mindsets old Situations and and habits even neural pathways and The same people will trigger

Rachel Denning (04:00.877)
these old emotions and they'll say something or do something and boom you'll respond like you've always responded and they will respond like they've always responded and then the other people in the room will respond like they've always responded and it's part of this drama triangle that we get trapped in and we get back, we revert back, you know what I'm saying? We kind of slide back to these old ways. Let me tell us a story real quick because this will fit in here.

I think I've referenced it before, but there's a story called Bunker Bean. It's a book worth reading. And Bunker Bean grew up in a small town and the town kind of gave him this identity and they made fun of him and they called him names and they always saw him as a certain way and doing a certain thing and he was the Bunker Bean, right? He was like this and he took on this identity that the small town gave him.

And they made fun of him and tore him down. And he just, he struggled. He struggled with his self -esteem and self -confidence. He struggled with his self -worth and he struggled just to do anything with himself. But unfortunately he was able to move away and he went out, I think he got in the military and ended up when he built a career, built confidence and kind of growing to himself and his new identity. And he was, he was himself, right? He just felt strong. He felt great. He was...

he's like, he's a new man, right? He had new friendships, new behaviors, new mindsets, new beliefs about himself and about life. I mean, things were great. Well, then through the course of the years, he had an opportunity to go back home. He moved back to the small town and he goes back as a new man. But all the people that had stayed there and stayed the same, they didn't see him as a new man. They only remembered him as Bunker B.

and the old Bunker Bean and so they treated him the same way and they called him the same names and they saw him the same. They literally had not allowed any progress or growth to happen in their minds about him. And so they treated him the same as they had always treated him and even he's like, no, I'm different and they just kept treating him that way. And unfortunately,

Rachel Denning (06:25.965)
Bunker Bean slipped back into his old ways, his old thinking, his old identity, and he became that insecure, unconfident, struggling Bunker Bean that he was before, and ultimately, sadly, ends up taking his own life. And that's a sad story and a sad illustration, which the author is just saying, teaching these huge

points that I want to illustrate in a smaller way, not such a dramatic way as that, but that we need to get this new identity, right, of who we are and how we want to do life completely independent of the opinions of other people. Where we take ownership of the, well, here's two things, real high performers and high achievers, you guys, are crystal clear about.

who they are and how they behave and how they interact with other people. Those three things. Who they are, how they behave, how they interact with other people. And when we can get that kind of clarity, many of us don't have that yet. We haven't really, truly decided who we want to be and how we want to do life and how we want to interact with others. We kind of let it happen. We have some vague ideas. I want to be a good person. I want to be nice. I want to be...

you know, we'll come up with these ideas, but we haven't gotten so clear about it that it's just, it literally is a part of how we do life. And when we lack that kind of clarity, it's really easy for outside forces to influence us one way or the other. You might go hang out with one certain kind of group and you behave a certain way with them. And then you go over with another group, another social group, and you behave totally differently and you kind of flip flop. And, and you, when you're with a more affluent group, you might act one way. And when you're with a...

less affluent group of my acts another way. I'm just throwing out examples here. And it's interesting that we allow ourselves to do that because we haven't become really, really clear, like firmly, confidently rock solid clear about this is who I am. This is how I behave. And this is how I interact with other people. Some have gotten that clarity, but they slip away from it when they get back into the old settings. They go back to their old town where they grew up or they interact with old friends or family members.

Rachel Denning (08:54.317)
because the family members don't don't allow them to change. And so what I want to encourage today that's going to help with all of our interactions with other people, especially with family members, old friends, like this, this old way, I want you to, to take on this, this new identity of who you want to be and how you want to do life and get man, write about it, please, please write about it. If you haven't listened to the episodes about the philosophy journal,

Go back and listen to those. There's two episodes about philosophy journal. Listen to those episodes and write that all down. That's your constitution. And write it out, get it clear, reread them every day. I mean, get so clear about who you are that you can literally live independent of the opinions of other people.

And I want to share something here that was really profound for me.

Rachel Denning (09:53.613)
Wayne Dyer actually taught it. He said, he said, other people's opinions of me are none of my business.

And when I first heard that I was like, what? Like, come on, of course they're my business. I gotta be aware of what people think of me. But as he continued to teach that principle and the more I thought about it, I realized, wait a minute, he's right. What other people think of me, their opinions about me are their opinions. And the reverse is true. My opinions about other people do not define them. They actually define me, which that's pretty profound, right?

So their opinions about you don't define you, they define them. Now this isn't this flippant, arrogant, like, I don't care what anyone thinks, I'm gonna do my thing. Because then if we're kind of unconscious like that and we're not really trying to be our best selves, then we can end up being real jerks and really mean and abrasive and rude and we're just like, whatever, that's your problem. If you don't like it, it's your problem, you deal with it, you know?

We don't, that's not at all what I'm talking about. Like I am not encouraging us to be mean or rude and not care about other people's feelings. In fact, I really want you to care. But I also am encouraging all of us to detach from the opinions of others in, in this element or this aspect of I'm pursuing my absolute very.

very best self. This is not a cop out. This is not an excuse. It's not a way for me to justify or rationalize or assuage my pains or, you know, cover up my weaknesses or wear masks or facades and be like, other people's opinions don't matter. It is none of that. It is actually a voracious pursuit of becoming my very best self, becoming the man that God wants me to be. And you becoming the man or the woman that God wants you to be like,

Rachel Denning (11:57.581)
You're living into your destiny and purpose. And you're doing that so wholeheartedly with so much clarity and so much purpose and meaning that you know you're pursuing the right thing. And so at that point, the opinions of other people, they're really none of your business. They really are. And so people might say nice things about you or they might say mean things about you.

but neither of those things gets to you. Does that make sense? Where it's like Max Locato, his little book, You Are Special, where the stickers they would give star stickers to the people they like and dot stickers to the people they didn't. And the Wimix were covered with stickers and yet there were some of them that had no stickers at all. Like what gives here? And it's because they don't let the stickers stick. They don't let the opinions stick. And that's what I want to encourage us to...

Develop and cultivate ourselves that it's the whole water off the ducks back philosophy like you know the duck can dive underwater come up and the water just rolls off even being a rainstorm as it rolls right off and And I want us to be that way to where we're so clear about who we are How we behave how we interact with others that the opinions of other people don't get to us They don't have the bunker bean effect to tear us down nor do they have the adulation effect where we're just so high in our heads because

or that we're just so dependent on other people's opinions. We were just starving for people to tell us how good we are. And we put all of our worth and value in the opinions of others. You with me on this? I hope I'm articulating this in a way that is really hitting home that we can live and operate without being dependent or attached to the opinions of other people. Now, why? Why do we want to be able to do this? Because then my friends, we can go back.

And this is probably the most powerful place. We can go back to our family and places we grew up in and our old interactions and we can be totally different. We can be our new selves, independent of others. And you can do that starting right now, my friends. Because then you're like, how do I do it? I've always been this way and they've always seen me that way. And they're gonna treat me the same and they're gonna say the same things.

Rachel Denning (14:23.725)
And this is why it matters so much and when it matters so much, that you're actually gonna be able to operate and live as the new you. And I guarantee you people will say stuff, you got putting on a new act, huh? trying to be so much better. well, you think you're better than us? well, you're kind of ashamed? I mean, they will come up with everything. man, they'll be fierce.

and you need to prepare for that ahead of time. Knowing, and this is how I do it. It just works for me, it's worked for a lot of people. This is how we do it. I prepare myself going into it. They're going to say things, whatever, old friends, family, whatever, it doesn't matter. And it'll happen with new people you don't know either. They'll say things because they're operating in their space. And again, we're not passing judgment on them. It's the way they grew up, their mindset, whatever. But people are doing their thing.

And you and I, we need to do our thing, independent of the opinions of others, where I can, I can be so.

not arrogant, confident. I can be so confident, so...

self -assured and self -aware. Again, I'm being humble, I'm being meek, but I'm also influencing, right? I'm impacting, I'm radiating, and I'm so set, not even set, I don't know if set means a word, but I've got my feet solid, right? Because I've given this a lot of thought and attention and detail. I know.

Rachel Denning (16:09.485)
who I want to be and it's a good way to do life. And so I'm to this place where nothing and no one can knock me off my course.

And when I'm in that space, it doesn't matter what other people say or do, because I've already decided what I'm going to say and do and how I'm going to behave. And man, that just gives us so much power, my friends, so much power to live life the way we want to do life and to not allow other people, other things to disturb us and disrupt our peace.

that I can roll in there and be like, I'm gonna do, you do you, I'm gonna do me. And again, I keep using this word independent. I love this idea of being independent of the opinions of others. Now we're not, again, we're not isolated, we're not pushing people away, we're not isolating ourselves and building up these emotional walls where we're feeling isolated and we're casting, you know, keeping other people out and casting them off. It's not that, it's not rude, it's not mean.

It's just solid, where the stickers don't stick.

And then we can have influence, we can impact. And some people will not like it. Some people will ridicule it. But what we're interested in is being our best selves and doing life the way we want to do life. Now, there's an interesting part here that I want to share. This is super important. I actually got a really good question about this week. It's like, hey, what do I do with the mean things people say to me, their mean words? Because it gets in my head, it gets in my heart. I have...

Rachel Denning (17:55.405)
And these, you know, I want to respond and lash out or the tears come up on the pain, the emotional hurt from things people say. Now, I'm going to teach a couple of different principles here that are so powerful. And you guys, I'm sharing this because all these things I'm sharing right now, like I've been through, I've felt myself and experienced this and I struggled and wrestled with it for a long time. Like, I'm tired of, you know, just when I felt I'd make some progress, I'd.

I slink back into these old ways. I'm like, what? That's not who I am or how I want to be. Why do I act like that? Why do I go back to those old patterns and behaviors? Like, no way. And I just cut that off. Why do I let other people get to me? You know, somebody says something, there we go again. And I beat myself up. Or I retaliated. So all that stuff back in the back, which I don't even deal with anymore because I've practiced it so much. Like, I can roll in and just do me confidently.

But inside this main principle is that the words that other people say and affect all words only have the meaning that you give them.

Those words only have the meaning that you give them.

Does that make sense? It's a powerful principle that somebody can say something and we can each give it a different meaning and a different level and a different weight of meaning. So somebody could say something mean to us and we might not, you know, one of us might be really affected by it and the other one not. And.

Rachel Denning (19:41.037)
And we, it's the way we interpret it, the weight we give it, the meaning, the power we give it. And so I want to, I want to give you this, this sense of power and autonomy that you can choose what it means to you. And you can use that as fuel to drive you forward or the fuel to light a fire that burns you up. Like,

You can literally go to the far extreme of doing a bunker bean where you let the things people say just crush you and drive you down, or you can disregard them, or you can use them not in a chip on your shoulder kind of hateful way, but there's actually this healthy level of competition when people say, pfft.

You can't change. You'll never do that. You're never going to lose that weight. knock it off. You're never going to become wealthy and, you think you're so special. You think you're going to be able to move and do different blah, blah, blah. And they tear you down. And you can actually use that as like, hey, you know what? Actually, I'm going to remember that. Not again, not with the chip on your shoulder, not being mean or hateful, but like, all right, I'm going to go do this. And I'm going to use that a little bit of fuel to push me forward.

And I want to encourage all of us.

to let the negative words from other people just kind of roll off.

Rachel Denning (21:20.013)
Please don't absorb them. I guess, see that imagery? Like it can kind of hit you and roll off. It could even hit you and leave a mark. And it does hurt. Like people can say things that hurt. man, that hurts. And it can be a little wound that heals up. But don't let it be a poison arrow that you take in and hold onto and keep in your body. And you absorb it. You suck it in like a sponge and hold onto it.

and we start holding on to all these things that people are saying to us or about us and we let it become a part of our identity and we let all the stickers stick and then we're just weighed down by all these opinions. I want you to let go of those. Just let them go. Now I'm making this sound over simplistic but I do want to make it clear it is a choice. You choose whether it sticks or not.

You actually choose whether it hurts or not. You choose whether you swallow it or absorb it or not. It is a choice. And the cool thing about choices is you can choose right now.

you can choose right now. And maybe it's been years or decades where your mother -in -law, your father -in -law, your brother -in -law, your sister, brother, mom, or dad, or uncle, or cousin, or sibling, they always teased you about that one thing, or pushed your buttons, and hit all those triggers. You can decide today that that doesn't phase you anymore. And I can say that my friends, because I've done it.

I've done it in so many ways in my life where people would come up and they could say the old things, mock the old things, and I'm like, whatever, okay, really good. Now, I do not, I am not saying you allow people to be abusive to you or mean to you or rude to you or to walk over top of you or bully you or push you around and keep you submissive and just otherwise be anyway abusive. I am not saying that at all.

Rachel Denning (23:31.277)
In fact, I wanna encourage you to retrain others on how they treat you and how you treat others that we can kindly but firmly say, no, I don't allow people to treat me that way. And that may say you calmly distance yourself in certain relationships and certain gatherings that you go and you only go for a moment and then you roll out. Or you go and you occupy yourself in other good things or you go to the gathering and you know.

that some of those people are toxic. And so you really focus your time and attention with a few people who are not. You get what I'm saying? And at some point you might just say, you know what, you know, this time we're just going to opt out or no, no, we're not going to come in. Okay, whatever. Like, no. And you keep your peace. You totally keep your peace. And okay, so a couple more principles here. Cause you're going to be like, well, how do I do it? How am I doing this? And what does it matter? I want to illustrate this. If those mean words are coming from your

the people you spend a lot of time with and in your close circle, like things have to change. If it's coming from like your immediate family. So let's say for example, if this was happening in my own home with my wife and my children, got to stop. There's no way in the world. There's no way in the world that I'm just going to be like, I'm going to tolerate that stuff and be like, it doesn't phase me. You know, your words and opinions don't matter rolling off my back. And I'm just, I'm going to let it keep happening. No way.

at all. Like that's got to stop. If it's in your own home, it's got to stop. And so we retrain like, sorry, no, no, I don't allow people to speak that way. We don't allow that kind of talk in our home. No way is that acceptable at all. I'm going to teach those principles. We're all going to talk about it. We're going to, we're going to teach it so effectively from all kinds of angles, angles, from a spiritual angle to a social angle to read great books about learn great stories about it. Listen to

to Ted talks and conferences. I mean, we're going to do everything we can to teach and eliminate that stuff. That is just unacceptable in our homes. Absolutely 100 % unacceptable. And it's not accepted in my home and it hasn't been since we got married. Like that just doesn't fly. So in my home, there's no, there's no mean teasing or mockery. There's no name calling. There's no, there's no foul language at all. None. There's no rudeness. And if it, if the slightest little thing pops up, bam, we are on it.

Rachel Denning (25:54.509)
And it just, it is not tolerated in our home. No go. We just, that's not the environment we have. And we don't even have to be harsh about it. We've just been intentional about that's how we do life. And so like it almost, I've been thinking about the last couple of weeks, it's really watching it. Like it just doesn't happen. Like, well, okay. Let me say this. We have one child who has some struggles.

that are pretty intense and occasionally And without getting into details, there's there's some bigger There's some bigger issues there that just We're we are working through so that particular child will occasionally when angry Say some things and the whole rest of family knows like okay?

that person's dealing with some bigger stuff. I'll leave it at that. That's those are the instances when it does happen. And we all are just like, hey, we know, we know there's some bigger issues there that aren't just it's not the simple stuff. Maybe I'll maybe I'll explain that more later. But but but for the context here, that's that's when it happens. Otherwise, man, smooth sail, awesome, good feelings, like we just don't allow that environment. So

If it's happening in your immediate family or environment or your workspace, like things have got to change, totally got to change up. If you need a new job because it won't change, then so be it. Start training, looking, do whatever you can, create an exit plan and get out. Switch it up in your family. If it's a friend group, it's always like that, man, you might have to change your whole friend group. So be it. If it's a neighborhood, move and whatever, like it can't be that. If it's outside of your home and your environment, maybe it's extended family or whatever.

and you can control how that happens, then you know, there might be a space where you don't have that much influence or that much control of what goes on. And so you just limit the how it affects you and how much interaction and time you have with it. Does that make sense? So if it's outside of your own immediate circle, then you just you can control again, take full responsibility, 100 % responsibility for your life and everything's going on your emotions, feelings, thoughts, actions, interactions with others and eliminate, adjust it, move it like you have way more power than I think you do.

Rachel Denning (28:17.741)
Most of us are living far below our privileges when it comes to our power to influence and direct and design our lifestyle and the quality of our lives. So take action on that. So how do we do this? How do we engage? I want to just emphasize with love.

Like love.

puts out fires. Love softens hard hearts.

Love will quiet loud angry behavior. Just radiate love. Love like charity love. If you look in the scriptures for example, love is like the pure love of Christ. It's that kind of love. It's Mother Teresa love. It's just...

just as genuine, I love you as a human being, even though I can tell you're struggling and you're actually being mean, and you're trying to hurt me, which again, in this context, very often people who are hurting, they reach out to hurt others, hurt people, hurt people. It's really interesting. And so we can give people the benefit of doubt, say, you know, they're probably struggling with something, they're probably hurting. Maybe there's something there, maybe they're dealing with...

Rachel Denning (29:48.909)
some horrendous thing that has happened to them. Maybe they're dealing with like a learning disability or something and their mind is just not operating the same way. Maybe they are dealing with some really painful insecurities and maybe they just lack skills. They never have learned the skill set of how to interact with others. Maybe they're dealing with some jealousy or you never know. You hear what I'm saying?

Like there's so many things, there's so many things. And so when we're operating with love, we're doing that and we can always respond with love. So I have this saying that I love and for years and years it's noblesse oblige. It's a French phrase. I literally am wearing a bracelet right now. I have a leather bracelet made with noblesse oblige on it. I've got it, my son made this wooden sign and carved noblesse oblige and it's hanging up in my office.

I just try to remember that. It literally means our nobility obligates us. It's kind of direction. Noblesse is nobility, oblige obligate or nobility obligates us. And just because you're a human being, because you're a wonderful person, because you come from heaven trailing clouds of glory, like you have nobility and your nobility and my nobility, they obligate us to be kind and generous. Noblesse oblige.

And that is the way I want to do life. That is the way I want to interact with others. And when they say mean things to me, I want to return it with kindness. And when they are inconsiderate, I want to return it with consideration. And when they're in pain, I want to return it with healing and hope. And they dump despair on me, give me back hope. And they try to throw on darkness, I give back light.

That's how I want to do life and that's why I want to encourage you to do life. And to let go, let go of the mean things they say, you may need to write, you know, you can write them down and tear them up and throw them away. You can write them down and burn it. You could just vocalize it out. Go for a walk and as you're walking, just get that out. Let out the painful, hurtful things and just get them out, process it. But don't like...

Rachel Denning (32:15.821)
Do not absorb, don't absorb and don't swallow that poison. Let it roll off and just create the habit. When somebody says something, say that's not me, that's not who I am. And even if it hits home and you're like, yeah, I am kind of like that, take it and say, okay, I'm learning and growing, I'm changing. That's the old me, I'm becoming a new person. Let it roll, let it roll, let it go. Let those things just go out of your life.

Don't let them hold you down anymore and move forward this new beautiful identity. And I don't care my friends if you've done this for years or decades, you can start today right now to be the new better you. You can take on that identity and be so strong in it, so convicted in it, so firm in it, it literally does not matter what other people do. There's nothing and no one that can knock you off your course.

This is the new you, the triggers won't, they won't trigger anymore, you don't have triggers. People can't push your buttons if you don't have buttons, my friends. Right? They can't hit those triggers if there are no triggers. You can't slide back into old patterns if those old patterns are replaced with new patterns. Those words can't hurt if you don't give them the meaning and power to hurt. Now I'm not saying becoming numb, I'm not saying that.

because we should have this full range of beautiful emotions. What I'm saying is we get to decide what matters and what doesn't. We get to give meaning and weight to words. And so let's live in a space where we, and again, you need to go over this, maybe re -listen to this podcast, write down some goals and ideas, write down identity, and before you go to a gathering, before you know you're gonna interact with a former, an ex -spouse or,

former colleague or friend or old family members before if you know going in like I know I know I know you guys are like so you're like dreading the family gathering like and some of you if you're like me I I had employment at times you guys where I was literally sick to my stomach on Sunday night because I had to go back to work on Monday I hated it and if you're in a space like that use this use this new mindset like

Rachel Denning (34:41.645)
I'm gonna get ready. I'm getting ready. Get your mind ready. Get your heart ready. Choose your emotion. Choose your mindset and play out in your head just briefly. Role play it in your head like, hey, they're gonna say something mean. They're gonna do something like this. They're gonna do the same thing they've been doing for a long time. I'm not gonna react to that. I'm actually gonna respond. I'm not gonna react. I'm gonna respond. I'm gonna choose a role differently and they'll say something. When I do that, they'll say something and try to push my buttons. Guess what? I don't have buttons. I removed my buttons. Right?

I removed my buttons. And if people push other buttons, then good, that's fantastic. They've brought awareness to buttons you still have. And you say, that's a button. I forgot about that. I'm gonna remove that button. You with me? And we can get to a place where we're just doing life like high performance.

where we are operating with love and our nobility's obligating us to be kind and generous. And we are so crystal clear about who we are, how we behave and how we treat others and how they treat us, that we just move forward and we do life with peace and joy and happiness and contentment and fulfillment. And man, it is awesome. So go out and make that happen, my friends. It is possible. If I can do it, anyone can do it. And I've done it.

and it's wonderful. Make it happen. Reach upward.

Rachel Denning (36:10.413)
Hey everybody, thanks so much for listening to this episode. I hope you got a lot of value out of it and found some things that you can apply to your life right away. Hey, I'm being totally sincere when I say I live to help you live your extraordinary life. So I hope you'll reach out to me if you have any questions or let me know how I can help you in any important area of your life. And in fact, you know, this podcast is brought to you by the School of Awesome Sauce monthly coaching program. Take advantage of that, get in there. It's the -

best way to get a breakthrough to the next level so you can level up your health, your spirituality, your emotions, your mind, your relationships, your finances, business, every part of your life. Just get in there where you have a coach and a mentor, you have a supportive community to make things happen. So jump in there, take advantage of this, try it out, get in there with us and level up your life. See you on the inside. Reach upward.