#81 An extraordinary marriage is a matter of choice, not chance

Rachel Denning (00:01.646)
Hey my friends, welcome to another episode of the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. So grateful you're here. I had the privilege to spend the day today with my wife and our children and another family. We went out into a state park and walked along this gorgeous river in a kind of historical area. It was just beautiful. Spend the whole day with the family. Isn't it great? Isn't family life wonderful and special?

When I and I think of this often because you guys know my story of being out and alone on my own as in my late teens I Just dreamt about having a family So I so I didn't have to be alone Remember that your family your family's not there to serve you They're they're there. So you have someone to love on and to serve and of course as you love them and serve them they will love and

serve you as well if you do that well. And man, I've just I've just been so grateful for my marriage. And I've been thinking about that. And I want to share some thoughts today about about that. You guys an extraordinary marriage is a matter of choice, not chance. I'm going to repeat that many times today. An extraordinary marriage is a matter of choice, not chance. Sometimes we go into life.

And I used to think like this, that I would fall in love, right? That it's just like something that happens to you. But then along my journey of growth, I realized, wait a minute, love is a choice. It's not something that happens to me. It's something that happens because of me and that I create and foster and make happen. And that eventually you choose your love and then you love your choice. And it's not something we fall into and fall out of and that we're victims of.

but that we can choose to make it extraordinary. And Rachel and I are to a point now, and I just want to share this like as, so you can be hopeful because there was a time, you know, I grew up in a home where there was multiple marriages and divorces. And then I was living out around people who were just constantly fighting. I ended up living with several families, some of them.

Rachel Denning (02:31.598)
Well, many of them had rough marriages. There was some fighting and some separation and it was a struggle and a battle and most of them were kind of like, it's just brutal hard, but you just deal with it. Others would get divorced. And then I would occasionally see a truly great marriage and be blown away by it. And it would confirm that yes, it's possible. It's absolutely possible.

And so what I want to share right now is like it's possible that marriage doesn't have to be a struggle.

fact it can just be absolutely blissful and I'm being totally sincere and honest here and I want you know I'm like being so authentic. Our marriage is genuinely extraordinary.

We're not fighting, it's not this tolerance, like I'm just constantly tolerating her and she's constantly tolerating me. We're not bickering at each other. We're not pushing buttons and just this cat and mouse game. There's no posturing, there's no mass, there's no strategy, there's no kind of.

manipulation or holding on to issues or pointing out the thing. There's none of that. None of that. And I'm being I'm being sincere here. I'm being for real. Some of you might still be in a place where you're like, I don't know. I don't know if that's possible. But I want you to know it is it is so possible to live this way where marriage is just such a joyful blessing. And you can wake up every day excited and grateful to be married.

Rachel Denning (04:24.91)
and just filled with love. Like we stopped at the grocery store down the way home and I just grabbed my wife and I was like, I love you so much. Like I'm so, I'm so grateful to you. And this is what I said, I said, isn't it amazing that we get to do life together? Like, isn't that such an incredible blessing? And isn't marriage that incredible blessing? And if you've lost the awe and the wonder,

and the excitement of your marriage, I want this to be your call, your call to an awakening and a renewed commitment to the sacredness and the wonder and the awe and the majesty of marriage. Ooh, that's good. The majesty of marriage. And that it is a choice, not chance. If you're sitting around,

hoping it works out like many people are. It's like hoping your garden will take care of itself. And we all know it's just going to get filled with weeds. And because life is like that, all of life is like that, we're either working on it or by default, the weeds are coming in, in every part of life. And so either you're working on your marriage or you're working on your divorce.

And so we have to choose deliberately and intentionally every day to work on our marriage, and not just to work on it, but make it extraordinary. And so starting right off the gates, I want to just instill this idea in you. That's a quote from Winston Churchill. He said, the price of greatness is responsible.

And so if you want a truly great marriage, you have to be responsible for that. And I want you to take 100 % ownership and responsibility. I want you to like extreme ownership here, be fully accountable and responsible. Now I know you're going, wait a minute, how in the world can I be 100 % responsible if the actions of another person are involved? And I get that. It's, it's kind of this interesting.

Rachel Denning (06:41.646)
dichotomy. And there's there's a little bit of a challenge there because you're like, wait a minute, how, how can I get some of you might be thinking that like, I would I totally would, but my spouse, but my spouse, and that idea right there removes our power. When when we say things like, well, if my spouse would only and I get it, sometimes that is the case, my friends, that you're sitting there like, if my spouse would only.

change. it would be so different. And that genuinely might be the case. It really might be.

But my question to you is, what can you do about that? And we're not trying to manipulate, we're not trying to change, we're trying to influence. And so the question, the sincere honest question is, what can you do about it? That's where ownership comes in. And that's where we can step up. And I love to ask myself, okay, what if I were 10 times better listener?

Would that make a difference? Yeah, it would. So I can work on listening. What if I were 10 times better communicator? Would that make a difference? Whoa, yes. What if I were 10 times more influential in my marriage or in my family, in my house? What if I was far more of a leader than a manager? What if I was...

taking action by choice instead of hoping by chance, would that make a difference in my marriage? And across the board, these are a resounding yes. And so we often throw in the towel and say, well, I've tried everything. It just doesn't work. And that's, this is not true. We haven't, we haven't tried everything. Now, just a little pause here. I understand that some marriages may end. I get that.

Rachel Denning (08:48.046)
and I want to be sensitive to that. Some marriages will end and there is no saving them. I understand. I've been around the world enough to understand that sometimes they will end. I get it. Sometimes they cannot be saved. But I believe that the majority of them can. And if you end up in a marriage or already have where it ended, start over and do it better.

And if you're in a second marriage, man, go, go and do it. Build an extraordinary marriage. Like no, no guilt or shame here. Like we're going to, we're going to start fresh and build an absolutely extraordinary marriage. But I do believe wholeheartedly that the vast majority of marriages can be saved and can be extraordinary, but it takes, this, the effort that's worth the price we have to pay.

So it takes responsibility. So I want you to take ownership of this and just look at like, what can I do? How can I have influence and impact? What can I do about this? How can I bring more? Cause you might, you might, again, you might be saying, well, if my spouse would do this, my spouse would do that. Well, that's, that's thrown in the towel or it's removing your power. So don't, don't sit on that and say, what can I do about that? How can I bring more to my marriage? And this isn't, I don't want to be misunderstood here.

This isn't just one sided where you do everything and your spouse does nothing. And like one couple recently told me, you know, you feel like you're the, the, the rug on the porch and you know, your spouse just wipes their feet on you. That's not at all what I'm talking about. I'm not asking you to be the rug and just get stepped on and used. I'm not. We ought to have super healthy boundaries.

We have to be kind but firm that we don't allow others to manipulate us or mistreat us or use us or abuse us. Like just not allowed at all, no exceptions. And so there's some strength there and courage in protecting those boundaries. So I wanna be clear not to be misunderstood. You guys with me? Like I wanna make sure there's none of that. There should be none of that going on. But what I am saying and like, okay.

Rachel Denning (11:09.55)
Let's take a situation where, well, if my spouse would just kind of be more engaged with life, they're just kind of disconnected from life, or they're really neglecting their self -care and they're not taking care of themselves very much, or they're not really showing up, or they're real edgy or stressed, or, you know, we can look at that in all kinds of scenarios, situations. There's so many situations there, but we can ask ourselves, is there something I can do? Is there something I can do?

And I'm not asking you to burn out and do everything. I'm not asking that. I'm asking you to consider is there a way that you can step up to, like I love to teach, bring the tide. Because when the tide comes in, it lifts all boats. What if you could bring the tide? What if you raised your energy levels? What if you increased your productivity? What if you increased your influence? What if you increased your radiance? What if you were...

more result oriented, goal oriented. You bring, what if you're bringing the energy and light? If I walk into a room and I bring the light, then the whole room gets lighter and everyone in there is like, woo, I feel the difference, right? And if I bring it to my marriage, it lightens the marriage. Even if, even if my spouse were, you know, in a, in a dark space, if I bring more light into our marriage, it lightens the marriage. And so I can bring more, cause it's...

Whatever I do lift myself is gonna lift the marriage because I'm part of the marriage. So I want you to think about that. How can I be kinder? How can I be sweeter, more romantic? How can I bring more spark and passion and excitement? Some of you might be struggling with intimacy or romance or just passion or engagement. Might feel, you guys remember, you remember when you were dating and engaged and.

first married, remember that giddy excitement? Do you remember that? Just like being apart felt like torture and you couldn't wait to get back together. And when you saw each other, it was just like, bliss, like, my gosh, I can feel it again right now. You remember that? I want you to have that again.

Rachel Denning (13:36.078)
And again, I'm going to repeat it. Extraordinary marriage is a matter of choice, not chance. So you can't sit around hoping that comes back. You have to choose it back. And here's the coolest thing. At any moment, you can choose to have that again. You can choose it. It really is a matter of choice. It's a thought and it's a feeling and you can choose it. Now, if you're going, if you're in your mind, you're like, yeah, but my spouse, no, don't do that. Just.

choose to be madly in love again. Do it my friends. And look, I'm gonna take kind of a different angle here. If you're gonna be married, because a lot of you are like, yeah, we're married. We're just we're just kind of existing. We're just doing family life together. We're raising the kids together, you know, just paying the bills, running the errands, we're doing everything together, it becomes really transactional. If you're going to be married, be madly in love. Just do it. It's a choice. You can be married and just kind of exist and

blah, blah humdrum, or you can engage and be madly in love again and just choose it and show it. Man, dress up, okay? Most of us have stopped dressing up for our spouses.

I imagine most of you when you're dating, getting engaged, like you really took care of yourself. You wanted to look nice every time and you were like fretting about it. Take care of yourself again. Get dressed up. Look nice. Look sharp. Be classy. Get dressed up for your spouse just because you're beautiful and you're handsome. Do it. Don't, there doesn't have to be a reason, nothing. And when you start doing it, people are like, what, where are you going? What's going on? What's this? Whatever, don't care. Just start looking sharp again. Do it.

Act a little more like you're trying to win them again. Win them, court them. Like, get back on it, right? Get that edge back. Drop those pounds. Put on the sexy. Like, get in shape. So you need to buy some nice new outfits. Right, look a little sharper. Look a little more beautiful, a little more attractive.

Rachel Denning (15:52.142)
you know, make some meals, help out with the things that you know, need help it out. See, a lot of us, our spouses are feeling stressed or frustrated or edgy and disconnected. And often it's just because they're caught up in other things. What if we could help alleviate that?

What if we could now some of you are maxed, I get it. But some of you are inefficient and you could be more efficient. Some of you are doing ineffective things. You could be way more engaged. Some of you could just choose to bring the energy and do a lot more. You got plenty of bandwidth to help carry the load. And when you do that, watch what happens.

Again, it's a matter of choice, not chance. And so I'm looking at every aspect of my life and my marriage, like, where can I help carry the load here? Where what can I do that will shift the energy? It'll bring the assignment. If I want an outcome, if I want to be able to go on a date every week with my wife, what do I have to do during the week so that she's has free time, free mental and emotional space, and she's engaged and excited about it? What do I have to do? What do I have to do? Right?

strategize, get that going. Like, be clear about what you want and what you can bring to make it happen. And then talk to them and say, Hey, hey, what can we do to make this happen? So we go on a date every single week and it's a hot date. That's good. And if you like, if you got to earn more money or got to do free creative dates, whatever, or you're just so crazy busy, you just got to carve out space. So you work a little harder, work a little more efficiently, like get things taken care of so it can free it up.

You know what I'm saying? And so make, make the sacrifices, make the efforts, look at every part of your life. How is work affecting it? How is your health affecting it? How is your church affecting it? How your hobby affecting it? How are your friends affecting it? How are your spouse's friends affecting it? How are your kids affecting it? How's the house, the bills, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. What everything has an exchange rate. You guys have heard me teach about that before. Everything has an exchange rate. Look at what.

Rachel Denning (18:07.502)
it's costing your marriage and all those things. And you'll realize some of those things need to go. You guys might be holding on to this little activity you picked up or this tradition or this idea or mindset or pattern or whatever, or some crap. You might just have a whole bunch of junk in your house, you know, that literally is costing, it has an exchange rate on your marriage just by having a garage full of crap or a closet full of crap or whatever. Like it could be anything. Like when I, if I would sit down with you,

in a coaching session, we would like go through every part of it and like comb through like, what's what's costing your marriage? What's what's hitting here? And sometimes it's inefficient planning or no planning at all. Sometimes it literally is clutter. Sometimes it's just way overcrowded schedules. Sometimes it's distraction. In fact, a lot of times distraction. And I find couples like, you know, if you'd both just get off your phones.

and turn off the dad gum TV. Do not, can I just throw this out there? I'm gonna say it. Do not spend your evenings watching TV. Don't do it. Not even with your spouse. Don't do it. And so you're like, no, but that's our time. Don't do it. Trust me, just go on a media fast. Try it. Trust me on this one. Just give it a try. Like engage, get rid of the TV. And especially if you have a teenager in your bedroom, man, get that thing out of there.

The bedroom is for two things, sleeping and sex. And they both ought to be awesome. Get that TV out of there. And like, again, you're being intentional and deliberate about things like that. And so it's a choice, not chance. So you make a choice and you really level up and be engaged when you're with your spouse, be present, like be thoughtful about it, come up with questions.

things to talk about and discuss if you lost some of the spark of conversation. Read a great book together. Read a great book on marriage together. Read a great book on sex together. Like get in the game. Now here's here's I'm gonna throw I'm gonna throw this one level up here right and I want you to level up I want you to make sacrifices. In my mind, it's worth almost any sacrifice to make my marriage extraordinary. Because what is the price tag if I don't?

Rachel Denning (20:32.462)
Let that hit home. What is the price tag if I don't make sacrifices for my marriage? What will it cost me then?

Rachel Denning (20:46.35)
Don't think you're immune to divorce and just a miserable existence. Do not dare think you're not. We all are. So Rachel and I were willing to invest big time in our marriage because we've seen marriages destroyed. And what it costs them in emotion and time and pain and money and sacrifice and hurt and destroy, man, whew.

is nothing that like what we what we sacrifice and spend in the in you know invest into our marriage is nothing compared to that. And so here's here's our recipe. We go on a date every week. We usually go out and eat some delicious food we love to eat good food together and just talk and connect hold hands kiss smooch. We we make love often. And that's critical.

very critical. And again, there has to be that connection and both of them both have to have the desire and the interest and that needs to be studied and learned and done well. In fact, that we have a whole section on that a whole fifth module in our extraordinary marriage course is all about that. Because it's so important and it is so misunderstood. And it's it's the most wonderful source of connection. But many couples for many couples, it's a source of contention. And there's a lot of discontent around.

but if it's seen right, it's a source of connection. Man, that needs to be a part. I could go on and on here, I love this. Like our whole course is built out like for mindset, we can see where we have broken ideas or beliefs or philosophies about ourselves or marriage or a spouse. It's about emotions, getting our feelings right. Our feelings can be intense and real, but not always accurate. And a lot of us have these.

these feelings and the emotions totally get in the way of our marriage. And then we have habits, like habits that are off either personally or in the marriage. And then lifestyle pieces like we're, we're, we're, we've created this lifestyle that we don't like, we don't love. And so it's, it's having a huge cost on our marriage. Those are all the modules in our Extraordinary Marriage Course. So we date, make love. Every month or two, Rachel and I will do an overnighter. so.

Rachel Denning (23:15.534)
Maybe if you saw it in every quarter, you do an overnighter or I man, even ideally I'd say every month you do an overnighter every quarter, you maybe do two nights. And then once a year you go on the big mama, right? You go on the big trip and you invest in your marriage. You, you go and you, you're just with each other and it's, it's a week long or 10 days. And it's just you guys like,

remembering and you can go with friends or other couples, but like no kids, like you go out and remember like it's a man and a woman just madly in love with each other, having an adventure, doing life together, you know, tackling this big exciting adventure called life. And we're in love and we have us and we have our own identity and we have our identity as a, as a, as a married couple, independent of our identity as a family. And so over Valentine's,

Rachel and I are leading a couple's trip to Thailand and it is going to be unreal. I'm so stoked. I'm so stoked. We are going to do the coolest stuff and some of you listening to this need to be there with us.

and you need, and then save up for the next one. We're gonna do this every year. We've led one into Peru where we hiked the Inca trail into Machu Picchu. We led one into Morocco where we drove over the Atlas Mountains after being in Marrakesh and we went out into the Sahara, stayed out in camps and there were camels and sand boarded out in the Sahara desert. And we went to Paris on that trip too. This.

Unreal you guys what it does for your marriage and your friendship and your love and your excitement just to step away. We've got to have these pattern interrupters. And so whether your marriage is good or whether it's struggling, you got to have these pattern interrupters where you just you drop everything you make sacrifices and you say you know what we're investing in our marriage. Yeah, yes, I'm talking to you. You throw down.

Rachel Denning (25:34.19)
some money, some time, some resources, you say no to other things because you're investing in your marriage. You have to do it. And I'm talking, that's, that's includes the books and the courses and the trips and the overnighters and the dates and all the other things and the time of saying no to other stuff and you know, not watching your, your favorite game and dropping your favorite show and saying no to the girlfriends and your buddies. So you can just love on your spouse.

It's all those things.

Pay the price.

pay the price. Because if you want an extraordinary an extraordinary marriage is expensive. In the context of time, effort, energy, resources, focus, dedication, determination, commitment. Like it's expensive. Don't think it's not you're not you. You can't you can't have a million dollar marriage with a minimum wage effort. Who friend?

No way.

Rachel Denning (26:43.406)
So if you want an extraordinary marriage, if you want the best quality stuff, it's true with everything, right? If you want the absolute best quality stuff, you gotta pay for it. How can we think that we can have an extraordinary rare, and they are rare, rare, beautiful, precious, highest quality marriage, and we think we can get it with a pittance of effort and money in it?

No, we engage. We engage. It doesn't always take money, of course. But it does take like a wholehearted, full responsibility, ownership, giving, dedication, love. Turn it on. man, I could go on and on and on. I love this. I love my wife so much. And I'm so grateful for our marriage.

It's worth every effort you guys an extraordinary marriage is worth every effort to wake up and to be in love and to get a hold hands and cuddle and smooch and make love and raise kids and do businesses and houses and life and adventures and travel and to this the Unbelievable privilege to do all that together

What a blessing what a joy and it is possible But work on it. Some of you just need the right tools and resources and strategies. That's it It's all you're missing and a couple of little tweaks would make a gigantic positive difference in your marriage It really would so just a couple of things like little here a little bit there and all sudden boom. You're like, whoa This feels way better already. So don't do so don't lose hope as I've been as I've coached couples and

We have a lot of we focus a lot on marriage in our extraordinary family life monthly coaching package and the 28 day challenge we're doing which we're starting on January again a lot of people in that one like by the end of the first 28 days they're like I can't believe how much this has changed my marriage already. It's just little things like do this every day just send a little message a little write a little note or a little text message or email just one little thought.

Rachel Denning (29:08.046)
of kindness or love and affection to your spouse. Just do that. Just do it every day. Just send one. Just, Hey, I love you. Appreciate you. Hey, thanks. Thanks for doing that. Thanks for doing this. Or I really admire this. What do you admire, honor, praise, love about your spouse? Appreciate, right? All that stuff. Watch what that does. Just do that. And just do it. No expectations, no strings attached. All you're doing is giving. You're giving love. You're giving praise, giving affection. Just, just that. And just do it and watch what happens.

No, no, no expectations. No strings attached. Let's do that. Start doing little, little kind acts again. Be excited again. Just turn on your love. Turn up your love meter friends. Just take it. It's a choice. You just take it right now and just turn that baby up and be excited and giddy and passionate and romantic again. You guys, it's worth, it's worth every effort and so exciting. It's so wonderful and so good. And I hope all of you have an absolutely extraordinary marriage. Not just good.

not just great, extraordinary, but always remembering that it is a matter of choice and not chance and that you can do it. And I would love to help you however I can. If you, if you needed me with me in a coaching session, get on my website, go to GregDenney .com, sign up for a coaching session. If you need the course that'll walk you through it's hours and hours of video and training and worksheets, get the course, go to courses.

extraordinaryfamilylife .com and get the marriage course. And tons of bonuses in there. All kinds of stuff. Get the books. I have a book list. If you need my book, shoot me a message. Shoot me a message on Instagram, greg .denning or email me for my site and I can give you my book list. And on the book list there's a whole section on marriage. Like whatever you do, just invest in your marriage. Give it everything because it's worth every...

And when the marriage is good, life is good. When I'm just madly in love and close to my wife, you guys, I can face anything. Whatever life throws at me, I can face if she's right there with me and I've got her and our marriage is good. But when it's off, it crushes me. It takes away my power.

Rachel Denning (31:30.126)
Like, that's huge. I hope you know that about your spouse. Like, it's gotta be on. So get on it, you guys, get on it. Let me know how I can help. Building a story of marriage. Some of you need to come to Thailand with us. If you can't make Thailand, save up for the next one. Or do your own trip, whatever, like get after it. Ours are extraordinary though and they include the coaching and the devotionals and...

like the conversation, like it's gonna be powerhouse and it's strategically planned to really ramp up your marriage. But anyways, love you guys. Marriage is worth it. Work on it. Harder than you do, work on yourself harder than you do on anything else. Work on your marriage next. Make it extraordinary. Put in your effort. Take full ownership for it. Make it happen. You know, we're always training for greatness. Always training for greatness. This is a great marriage. And extraordinary marriages are a matter of choice, not chance. Reach upper.