#95 What it means to be a REAL man

Rachel Denning (00:01.454)
Hey, my friends, welcome to another episode of the extraordinary family life podcast. Man, I'm so I'm sitting in a rainstorm right now. So if you hear a little rain come down, it's fitting for this great discussion. And I hope, I hope there's a lot of you ladies listening to this too. And this is for both men and women. And I hope we share this, please share this. There's such

a need for this topic in the world. And again, this one's had a, it's, it's been a long time coming. I've been thinking about this for a long time and I've been reading and studying about it and having experiences, had a couple of powerful coaching sessions today. This came up and it's just been coming up more and more and you're seeing it everywhere in the world and people you're interacting with are seen in homes and in homes that are falling apart and we're seeing it in the struggle for life and the struggle.

to live the extraordinary family life and the pain that's there and the frustration and the hurt. man, it's all there. And so we're gonna get into this you guys. It's so good, I'm so excited about it. And I'm gonna share some things that you already know, a lot of you already know this and some of you are living it and can confirm it and some of you know it but aren't living it.

And there's a challenge to step up to that and it's not what it'll be new and reminders or new things. And man, you guys, I'm so excited about this. We have to, we have to take this seriously. What it means to be a real man. And it's interesting that we even have to talk about it, right? That we even have to bring it up. And we do because it's been lost.

And it's definitely been confused. And there's a lot of weird messages out there and misconstrued things. And I think some total misconceptions. In fact, I think there's some people out there teaching the wrong thing about it. And it's needed. Now this is in no way, shape or form to the neglect of women and their amazing role and the power of women and the power of the

Rachel Denning (02:28.814)
Feminine energy in our lives and the need for that in the world and in the home in the family in the lives and in our lives and men's lives But I I just am NOT qualified to do a podcast about what it means to be a real woman You know what? I'm gonna. I just thought of this I'm gonna enlist my wife to do an episode with me about what it means to be a real woman

And she's going to have to address that one and I can, I can chime in, but, but this is my space and we're going to hit this hard. And I hope that you women are listening to this so you can help your husbands be real men and support them in that. And so you can raise your sons and that all of us can, can help with this need in the world again, for great women to be at their very best, but great men. That's our topic today to be really.

truly great men. But before we dive into that, like I want you to think about that. And this is what we talked about with some of my coaching sessions in the last, the last couple of weeks, even today. Like what happens if we're not really being men.

And ladies, what happens to your sons, to your husbands, to your fathers, to your friends? What happens when we're not being true to that, the manliness that's in us? Well, the truth is we start to die inside and it eats us up bad. And we're not anywhere near our potential. And so we end up leaving a lot of potential and a lot of greatness on the table.

underdeveloped, untouched, unutilized, wasted. And we need to lean into it. And there's, there's something special about being a man that it's unique. And we have to lean into that and embrace it and live it in the appropriate way. Or we're never going to be who we could be. You know, I had a, I had lunch with a friend.

Rachel Denning (04:43.566)
a couple of years ago and he talked about not getting enough juice out of life is what he said and of feeling too emotionally dependent on his wife, of not being invested enough in his children, of dealing with past issues with his parents and his upbringing, of dealing with personal issues and little inner demons of just coasting along, of not really excelling in work, of just getting by.

not feeling very manly because of it, right? Again, how many of you are just doing enough to get by, to survive, to avoid conflict or trouble and to avoid any risk? But that's not the manly way. And how many of us are living kind of in this guarded, protected, afraid?

almost a scared little boy place or we're just numbing out and buffering and and we're just sometimes you guys we're just entertaining ourselves to death. I recently did a coaching session with a man who literally has just numbed out his entire life by entertaining himself to death.

and in his pain and misery and hurt for not having the results he wants, not having the outcomes he wants, not being the man he wants. And in his case in particular, he was just constantly numbing himself and sedating himself with entertainment. Boy, that's a sobering reality check right there, isn't it? How many of us are sedated?

or just outright exhausted because we're not taking care of ourselves. We're not stepping into being a really great man. So what does it mean to be a man? We're gonna dive into this. What does it mean to be a really great man? And I want you to think about this. This in no way, this episode is not gonna be comprehensive. I'm gonna share a lot of thoughts here, but you're gonna have even more thoughts and I hope you'll take notes.

Rachel Denning (07:10.157)
Men and women, I hope you're taking notes here. I hope we take this seriously and I hope you create this outline of what it is to be a real man. I hope you read great books on it. In fact, I'm going to give you a gigantic list of books to talk about it that you can dive into and have support your husbands they read and your sons and share it with your friends and neighbors and everyone. Like we need manliness, just like we need womanliness in the world. We need manliness in the world and it's being attacked.

being attacked like never before. And as is womanliness. But again, we're staying on topic here. I feel like I have to keep constantly defending women in this episode, but just roll with me, right? You know how much I love great women. man, they're amazing. We need them, but we're staying on task here. We're going to dive in just manliness on this one. And on that note, I, I coach a few extraordinary women. They're just so awesome.

but the bulk of my clients are men and the bulk of those men, a few of them are single, but the bulk of them are married with kids and successful businessmen married with kids and we're just helping them level up every area of their life. And they are just coming alive and they, we meet with them every time and they're like, this is changing. This is transforming. I feel more alive than I've ever felt. I feel more clear than I've ever felt. I have more energy than I've ever had. And they're just crushing it with their marriage, with their parenting.

with their work, with their contribution, their leadership in the community, in their churches, in their organizations, like, it's amazing. And that's, we're trying to be our absolute very best selves. All right, you ready to dive in here? I've got quotes, I've got lists, I've got all kinds of awesome. But let's start, like, I want you to think about what does it mean to you to be a real man? One of my friends and clients,

phrased it well. He said, really in my mind, it's the combination of Leonardo da Vinci and Jason Bourne, right? I was like, yes, that's that's part of it, right? And that same friend of mine, he, he has this image in his mind of the samurai, just sitting there in meditation, right? So peaceful, so calm, so clear, so directed, so in control of his mind and emotions, and yet an absolute warrior.

Rachel Denning (09:35.245)
And we need that. Men have to have this warrior side of them that fights for what they believe in, that defends truth and virtue and honor and goodness, that has a bit of fight in them against injustice.

And a lot of men have lost their warrior side and they're just kind of...

Rachel Denning (10:03.053)
becomes spineless.

Rachel Denning (10:08.017)
And they've lost that fight. And there's a lot of reasons. It might be experiences they've had. It might be the way they were raised. It might be the person they're married to. There's a lot to it. I don't know. It might be other addictions. But there's a part of men that needs to be a warrior. And then that other part, you know, the Leo Darno Da Vinci is of discovering and learning and inventing and creating and spending time.

with music and art and invention. And the other part is the adventurer, right? That's out, it's, it's the great, okay, it's coming to me. It's called Endurance, Ernest Shackleton, right? Where he's trying to get to the South Pole. And the great book, what a great story. And these great adventurers, right? And we gotta, we wanna go explore.

and try new things, we want to be bold and courageous and sometimes a little risky, right? There's something in us that wants to take some risk, which is a great thing. And there's a little wildness in there, a little bit of wanderer. And then there's just passionate need to just be absolutely in love with our woman and to have our woman absolutely in love with us. We need her and we need her to need us, to need, you know,

I need my wife to need me and want me and desire me and I would have desired her and connect her. And then this, this loving, gentle gentleness with a baby.

with raising children and then the roughhousing with the kids, right? And it's all these pieces and sometimes they're the yin and the yang of it, the gentleness and the firmness and to be calm and to be clear, to be full of love, but even to be vulnerable, to have no problem shedding a few tears, right? But to have class and pride and

Rachel Denning (12:14.893)
respectability to have this honor to put put forth your best effort in everything you're doing everything you're doing to show up in your career and do it with excellence just because that's your man and to be excellent at home in the family even going the extra mile this is where when I'm meeting with men I'm like you know what yeah I know I know you give a lot and I know you're exhausted but guess what I'm challenging to give more to increase your capacity.

to show up at work and show up at home and show up when people need you. That is manliness. To dig in, to find the grit and the metal, -E -T -T -L -E, right? To give a little bit more. Now, no man should ever be taken advantage of either or mistreated or disrespected. We shouldn't tolerate that.

And so there's that both sides of the coin again, where we give and give and give, and yet we don't allow people to take advantage of us or mistreat us. We have this enough self -respect and enough respect for others that we draw the line. Right? So we can be a great dad and very attentive to our children and yet romantic with our woman. And really romantic, thoughtful, you know, coming up.

figure out ways to surprise her and woo her and love her and...

court her data right and then protect her and provide for her and And we're taking full responsibility for everything in our life and for our actions and for outcomes responsibility for our thoughts our words responsibility for our feelings and our emotions We're not cowards. We're not victims a real man is never a victim

Rachel Denning (14:13.965)
in the sense that I don't, I don't, I could be misunderstood there. Never, never plays the victim. A real man never plays the victim. I don't want to be misunderstood there. A real man never plays the victim. He's, he's fully responsible for his actions and outcome and for his life. You with me? Like this is, this is powerful and they, they're intense about consistent and vigorous improvement. You've heard me talk about that before, right? I have a whole episode on that.

Kavi, consistent and vigorous improvement. And that we're fighting off mediocrity, that we just refuse to be mediocre and refuse to acquiesce, to just give up, to give in. We refuse to place small. That crap has no place in our life, right? And when we're being man, we're, we're stepping up to that and leaning into it. We eat pressure for breakfast.

And but we're, you know, and we were willing to and desire us to push ourselves to push our limits to go hard. And also here's the other side of the corn. A great man is, is intense about recovery, about rest, about taking care of every part of his life.

especially his body, the real man's going to take great care of his mind and his body and his soul. He's going to take care of his spirit. He's going to be healthy and fit. And not only is he going to take care of every part of his body, he's going to take care of every part of his life. And he's going to take care of the things that he owns and operates that are in his stewardship. Now, does this sound overwhelming? Fantastic. Because men are not afraid to take on this big task. Right?

You guys with me? I hope you're feeling this. When we lean into it, when we're at our absolute best. Now I know this is going to be challenging for every one of us. I get it. And I'm holding up an ideal here. But I think we should work for an ideal. We should always have an ideal up. Always have an ideal of something we're working towards.

Rachel Denning (16:29.261)
And we may never ever get it wholly, right, entirely, but we're gonna be able to capture and chase down and get pieces of it. Lots of it, actually. And not be overwhelmed by it, and not be afraid, and not shy away.

But chase it down in my office. I have two pictures that I found on online. I got online. I found two of the most beautiful pictures I could find of lions and especially close up with their faces and their eyes. To me, that's, that's my manliness. It's a lion, bold and courageous and majestic.

and ready to face our challenges, to chase our dreams. Real men are going to be chasing down a dream. They're going to be pursuing the big dumb goals, right? The dumb, demanding, unrealistic, meaningful, and bold. They're going after that. They live for it. And guess what? Those dumb goals, they include family.

Because men are about including and protecting and not abandoning and not neglecting. And on that note, men are constantly, a real man is seeking to contribute, to influence, to make a difference.

This is good. this is so good. Okay, you ready? I'm gonna hit you with some quotes with a list of books and I'm just this is kind of basically gonna be drinking from a fire hose here Just a whole bunch of thoughts and ideas that I've been gathering for years And you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna I'm gonna do Some a man camp where we get together I want to do this. I really want to do I've been thinking about it literally for

Rachel Denning (18:24.077)
over a decade, do a man camp where we get together and we bring in experts. And maybe we do it a few weekends a year, bring in just incredible experts and we train in medicine, like emergency medicine. We train hard so we know how to help, you know, emergency situations. Cause I did, I became an EMT and I started emergency wilderness medicine. I love that stuff. And then bring somebody who does martial arts and Krav Maga and self -defense.

And he's training that so we know how to protect ourselves and our families and others. And just bring in these experts. The hack is just give us the best bit of knowledge. And all around, a real man is going to be refined and is going to be very knowledgeable, just pursuing education because there's never a graduation from education. A real man is a lifelong learner. But he's probably going to be learning a musical instrument as well because there's a piece of refinement and growth there.

that is so ideal. And you read, you read and study the lives of great men. They spoke multiple languages. So I'm going to add that one. They play an instrument and add that one. And they were pursuing and chasing down knowledge and they were developing skills. They were mastering stuff. this is so good. Okay. Here's a quote from, self con well, no, this is from self control. It's kingship and majesty is the book. It's by William George Jordan.

who wrote on the Manchete of Calmness. He said, quote, at each moment in man's life, he is either a king or a slave. As he surrenders to wrong appetite, to any human weakness, as he falls prostrate in hopeless subjection to any condition, to any environment, to any failure, he is a slave. that's good.

As he day by day crushes out human weakness, masters opposing elements within him, and day by day recreates a new self from the sin and folly of his past, then he is a king. He is a king ruling with wisdom over himself. Alexander conquered the world, except Alexander.

Rachel Denning (20:52.301)
Emperor of the earth. He was the servile slave of his own passions close quote. that is good. that's good And then there's a you know examples from history lots and lots of great examples from history and here's one by Lucius Kentish or Cincinnati say sometimes saying he was a he was a Roman leader and he was a you know, the story is told that he was a

Despite his old age, he was worked on his own small farm until there was an invasion that prompted his fellow citizens call for his leadership. And he came from his plow to assume complete control over the state. But he achieved a swift victory, relinquished his power, and went right back to his farm. That's why George Washington loved that idea, that story, and him and wanted to emulate that. He didn't want the power. He wasn't interested.

in the fame or the glory. He just, he wanted to do what was right. He wanted to take care of himself and his family. This is a great example. Okay. You ready? I'm going to give you, I'm going to give you the book list here and then we'll come back and we'll, we'll do some more quotes. So the Analex of Confucius has a lot about what it means to be a true gentleman. Fictional books like the walking drum and lonesome gods and Bendigo Shafter who are all written by Louis Lamour.

and he wrote a autobiography called the education of a wandering man a memoir which is a phenomenal book and Theodore Roosevelt jr. And senior Wow, those books are mornings on horseback and river of doubt Both about the original jr. And and senior you learn about them in mornings on horseback the first part He was one of the from what what is portrayed there. He's one of the greatest men that ever lived. He spent his life

and his fortune and his time serving and loving gently. He was unbelievably educated and refined and spent his time in orphanages and hospitals and looking for people to serve and care for. What a great man. You can read the whole Sackett series, 19 books also by Louis Lamour and they're all, all of his books are historical fictions. He was a phenomenal historian and the vast majority of books are really the principles of manliness and being a great father.

Rachel Denning (23:19.149)
being a great father, great man. Wow. Okay. The last of the Mohicans deer slayer, the tenant of wild fell hall. Ivanhoe. I'm just, I'm cranking off books. I've read that have just had a huge impact for me as a man, man search for meaning unbroken, leaving Microsoft to change the world. Let me say Rob to kill a mockingbird, right? Atticus. What a man. The real Abraham Lincoln, scary close. That's an excellent, how to win friends and influence people. Love does Atlantis, Joan of Arc winners. Never cheat. Love that book.

Robinson Crusoe the Virginian Frederick Douglas the Scarlet Pimpernel one of my all -time favorites a man for all seasons about Thomas Moore Standing up for what's right? Bonehofer right this story about Dietrich Bonehofer what a man William Wilberforce and the amazing grace carry on mr. Bowditch the autobiography of Benjamin Franklin Plutarch's lives and Wild at heart I mean, it's on and on and on right whoa?

Man, this is good. There's so much out there and we ought to be studying it. If you're a man, study manliness. Study books, read books constantly. Because you're a man, you ought to be studying what it means to be a man and reinforcing it constantly, getting reminders all around what it means to be a man. Right? And if you are a woman and you're raising a man, you're married to a man, or you're raising little men, you should be studying that as well.

Right. And encouraging them to do the same. man, this is good. I love this stuff. I love this stuff. examples of Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, Lawrence of Arabia. There's so much. Okay. How about some more quotes here? Thomas Paine said, I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress.

grow brave by reflection. Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but he whose heart is firm and whose conscience approves his conduct will pursue his principles unto death." Wow! Real men stand by their principles.

Rachel Denning (25:46.957)
I love that. Stephen Cubby, seven habits. He said, it is the weak who are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong. Isn't that a powerful principle? And real men are actually really gentle because they are strong. It's only the weaker, cruel and are, and are out of control. And they, and they, they blame others for their anger and their tantrums and, and they're, they're, they've,

fall victim to their own weakness when you know losing their patience with losing it they don't lose it you give up you choose to be patient it's a choice with little children or other drivers or the referee when you're watching sports here's me I'm calling you guys out love here I'm calling out love we got to rise up we rise up mentions said a gentleman differs from other men

in that he retains his heart. Let me repeat that. A gentleman differs from other men in that he retains his heart. That is so profound. That's worth giving some thought to. And he continues, Menchus continues, a gentleman retains his heart by means of benevolence. Close quote. That's a lot of good stuff there. Here's another quote by an author.

PG Worldhouse.

He said, there is in certain men a quality of resilience, a sturdy refusal to acknowledge defeat, which aids them as effectively in the affairs of the heart as in the encounters of a sterner and more practical kind, close quote. And so there's this...

Rachel Denning (27:47.405)
there's this resilience. In fact, I would say there's this, this gathering of qualities and characteristics and it's, it's a lifelong pursuit. My friends, it's, it's this journey of overcoming weakness and doubt and fear. And it's in developing.

Character and characteristics and attributes and in building our bodies and building our minds where we're strengthening and fortifying and optimizing every part of our lives our hearts our minds our bodies our spirits our Relationships and we have we have a resilience. We have some toughness there. We've got some grit and we've got some gentleness and

We're extremely loving. Our hearts are full of love.

Right, but we can also be warriors. And we can also be wise and we can be refined.

and have this determination to, how do you say this? What's the word for this? We're just gathering. It's gathering all these great qualities and attributes and kind of making this whole, gathering them into a whole. So if I could give you this imagery of a true man, a real man, he is the composite of all these great things.

Rachel Denning (29:25.357)
and he's strategically working on them. All of them. Yes, overwhelmingly all of them. And that's okay. Cause a real man says, bring it on, bring it on. Yeah. I'm struggling with that. I'm weak. I have faults. I'm coming up short, but I'm working on it. Cause I have the growth mindset and I'm, I'm going after it. And that's my image. That for me is the image of a truly great man. It is this.

gathering of awesomeness. It's the gathering of awesomeness in all these great, great aspects. And so my invitation to all of us.

is give this some thought. Give it the attention it deserves. Men are stepping down and stepping out. Many men are checking out. Over 40 % of the babies born in the United States are born into single parent homes, which means they're born to women obviously, where men are not in their lives. And statistically, over 80%. Check this out, over 80 % of prison inmates.

did not have fathers in their lives, in their homes.

We need men. We need them in our homes. We need them in society. We need to raise this example, this standard of great true manliness. The world needs it.

Rachel Denning (31:07.373)
Right? The goodness, it has to have that masculine energy and power. Just like it needs the feminine. I'm defending you ladies again. It needs that. We'll get to that with my wife. But man, we need more manliness. Step up, be a man. Give this the thought and the attention and the focus and the effort that it deserves. Study it, think about it, map it out, work on it, get strategic about it. What areas...

of awesomeness in that big composite whole, what pieces are missing? Which ones need to be leveled up? And for you men, where do you need to be more of a man in your life? Where do you need to step up? No excuses, no playing the victim, no saying, I'm too tired, I can't do it. Increase your capacity. Do more. I don't want to be misunderstood there. Some of you need to be less busy by...

doing more, being more, is being less busy and giving more time to other things. There's got to be that right balance. But you can generate more energy and more compassion, more love. So for some of you to be a better man, you're going to have to say no to more things. For some of you to be a better man, you're going to have to say yes to more things.

And again, this man, this can be challenging and it can be challenging to know where it all fits and the right balance and the habits. And we mean the whole podcast that all the series are talking about this and this is what I do in coaching. So if you want to really level up, you want to go for it, you're ready to supercharge your life. Sign up for a coaching package. Let's do this one -on -one and help you become your absolute best self in the holistic approach. This is what we do. The holistic approach, every part of you just seriously loving on.

leveling up and And for you women to study this learn about it write about it think about it put up the imagery you guys put this on your your vision boards teach it to your children to your Daughters and your son so your daughters know what it is You know what it what a real man is and your sons know what the target is and what the ideal is what they're going for I love this stuff. Thank you. Thank you for being here with me. Thanks for caring. Thanks for for listening. Thanks for being great people

Rachel Denning (33:28.877)
And let's do this together. Honestly, let's do it. Let's be a part of this light and energy and goodness that's so desperately needed and that makes such a difference. Let's no longer leave greatness on the table. Let's lean into it. Let's grow into it. Let's make it happen by being truly great men. Reach upward.