#301 Transform Your Parenting with Emotional Awareness & Intelligence: The Key to Family Harmony

Greg Denning (02:09.806)
 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. We're your host, Greg and Rachel Denning. Today, we're going talk about something that all parents deal with. All humans deal with. Man, it is the human experience. it has such a significant impact on every aspect of our lives.

I would say the quality and final outcome of our lives. Yet it's very rarely talked about, addressed, brought into the picture as a factor. And yet it is ultimately the factor. It's so powerful. It is ultimately the determining factor with the quality of your life experience, right? I mean, you love to talk about that in coaching that if we can change

and improve our emotional state, that changes our life. Like that changes the way you experience life. That changes your parenting, that changes your marriage. So it is, it's a factor that's huge, but it's not often talked about because as we'll discuss today, Many people believe that we don't have control over our emotions. That they're just something that happened to us. Right, dictated by circumstances or other people, whatever.

So we try to control our circumstances because that's what we think we have power over. So let's talk about, you know, specifically in parenting. Well, let me just use a quick example. In parenting, We want our kids to behave because we think if our kids behave, we'll feel better and then we'll have a better experience as a parent. And so that's what we focus on and put all of our energy in. But a major part of this is that when we change our own emotions,

and in fact our own interpretations about our children fighting, that's what begins to change the circumstances. So then the circumstances change because we change our emotions, not the other way around. Exactly, I was thinking that exact same thing where it's the reverse. If we want to really influence our circumstances, we start by changing our inner thermostat. Right. And what's happening inside. Which often starts with our inner dialogue. Absolutely. The dialogue...

Greg Denning (04:30.584)
that we're not even aware is happening because it's become so automatic. I did a full training on this yesterday about how the conversations we're having with ourselves in our head, the thoughts we're having, the beliefs we are operating on, and then the meaning that we attach to things. Those are all the dictating factors on what we feel and what we experience. What I was going to say is that

Life is an emotional experience. So you can have the best circumstances and when you look back, you'll not remember the circumstances, you'll remember how you felt. Exactly. And so you can have the money and the things and all the stuff and you could still be miserable and you're like, hey, tell us about that time. This is terrible. It's hard. Right. was gloomy. Or you could lose everything. Your house could be burned to the ground.

And yet you're just elated that you and your family survived, that you got out, that you're just so filled with gratitude that you get to keep going. And you're like, well, how was that experience? Like, I was just so grateful. I'm like, it doesn't even really get to me because I'm so grateful. And so It's not the circumstances, it's the emotional experience that's driving the memory of it, but the experience of it.

Exactly. Man, this stuff matters so much. So we want to talk about this in the context of parenting specifically, because I think that that's where it matters for so many people that are especially listening to this podcast, because we tend to believe that our experience in family life on a day-to-day basis is, like I said, determined by the behaviors and actions of the people in our family. And that if we could control or improve those behaviors and actions,

then we would have a family life experience. We'd have a better parenting experience. But in reality, like we already mentioned, when we learn to switch that around and we instead begin by controlling our emotional experience, That is what will shift and transform the rest of our family life experience. So we have to switch that around and think of it differently and put the emotions in front of the behaviors and actions so we can

Greg Denning (06:57.186)
then actually get the behaviors and actions that we want. If I had some way right now to reach through the camera and like really get your attention to hear this, would be that. don't think, yeah, most people just don't understand the importance of what you just said. our emotional thermostat, our emotional way of being.

getting in a good state will be the determining factor. That's the way to begin. That's the place to begin. That is the path. That is the way it is everything. I don't think we can adequately emphasize that enough. And even people hearing it might be like, no, it's not that big of a deal. Or even if you do, you're sitting here thinking like, yes, this is a big deal. Tomorrow, you just go back to the same old same old. Like this is one of those things.

somehow we have to get so deeply entrenched in our psyche and our understanding of life and family. Like this is the place. It's the starting place. And then it's, you always go back to the start and always go back to the This is the foundation, it's the chassis on which everything is built. This is where an extraordinary family life is created and maintained. Exactly. And of course the biggest challenge with this

Reality is that it's not easy. It's difficult because it's much easier for us to respond emotionally to the circumstances in our life. So if our children are fighting then and I guess the better word actually is react to react emotionally we react that and we're gonna get deeper into this we react with the story that we've

come to believe about what that fighting means. And we react in accordance to where we are when the kids start fighting. Emotionally you mean Yeah. So where I am emotionally will determine how I react to the stimulus. Right? Because the fight is just a stimulus. The situation, the kids screaming, the attitude, the breaking something, whatever it is kids do. being mean. That's just one...

Greg Denning (09:25.036)
Stimulus, where I am emotionally on a scale determines how I react to that. And you might be sitting there thinking, no, no, it doesn't. Well, you know, my kids do that. I promise. If you are in a fantastic emotional state, you feel amazing, you're going to respond differently to the stimulus. That is true, although I am going to disagree with it a bit because I believe

from my own experience that if there are underlying issues that haven't been resolved, and this could be something from your own childhood, your own past experiences as a parent or whatever, like it could come from anywhere, even if you are in a good emotional state, if you've worked hard to get yourself at that state, if you have some sort of story or belief that's connected to the behavior and it acts as a trigger. You go there immediately.

you can immediately revert back to that. It's essentially memorized emotion. I was gonna say emotional programming, we could call it. Right. I like to use memorized emotion, because I got that from Joe Dispenza. He talks about how we can literally memorize emotions where our body is like, this means that. And you immediately go to that feeling because you've associated this certain action or behavior with that feeling. even if- it's so intense and so memorized.

It's just like habitual. It's like riding a bike or something or driving. You've done it so many times that every time that happens, you just go back to that memorized emotion. And so even if you've worked hard to get in a positive emotional state, you can immediately go back to that memorized emotion until you process it and fully release it. That's when then the permanent change occurs because then you no longer go back to that memorized emotion.

can get yourself into higher states and then you can stay there even when the thing happens that previously triggered you. So it means obviously there's lots of layers here. Yes, there are. There's layers from our past, things, the emotions we've memorized, the emotional programming, the emotional stacking where things just stack on top of each other like, this has happened happened and it was annoying and then that happened and it's annoying and it's like more more more. and stack. Until you like explode or implode.

Greg Denning (11:51.328)
And you still keep your stack. It's not like your stack goes away. So the littlest thing sets you off and a couple of days later, right back on that same stack, it sets you off again. And so you feel like you have this huge pile of emotions and one little thing is enough to, to send you imploding or exploding. And then it, the other layers are just how we feel physically. Yeah. I know for me, I had a couple of rough nights of sleep last week and I was just paying attention.

how much more difficult it is to think positively and stay in a good positive state when you're physically exhausted. But unless you have a lot of self-awareness, you know what you're working on, that may not be obvious. You might not be sitting there thinking, man, that was a rough night of sleep and I can tell that it's affecting me mentally. You might not notice that, just saying, gosh.

The sky is falling. Or these kids are just so annoying today. terrible. I can't believe I ever wanted to be a parent. And then it gets really negative and dark really quickly. Right. But so often it's sleep or food. We've talked about that so much. But sleep or food are major factors for how you feel emotionally. Which obviously is very tough because I remember the time when I didn't sleep a lot because I had babies. I had young children. I was pregnant.

I mean, I 20 years without sleeping or something, probably not that long, but I went a long time without good quality sleep. And that's why it's even more important, I think, for young moms to be aware of how much it is impacting them and that they prioritize more the cliche self-care. But it's a real thing. When you prioritize that, when you decide to take a nap, when the baby takes a nap, it's not just for...

your benefit, it's for the baby's benefit, it's for the rest of the kid's benefit, so that you can be in a better state to be able to be more emotionally.

Greg Denning (13:58.542)
in control, emotionally empowered. It's worth emphasizing that, that each of us, it sounds really selfish. And I guess it can be selfish. It could be manipulated and used excessively. It could be used as an alibi and an excuse to be very selfish. But if it's done with pure intent. And awareness. And yeah, real good awareness and great motives. If my motives are pure, then it's not selfish.

to say and what I was gonna say is make sure you're doing things for you that make you feel really good. And that's not like, I like sitting here eating cookies and scrolling forever on social media. That makes me feel good. We're not talking about that. Like a deep soul. I feel fantastic. I I'm talking like a meditation or a shower or a great book or

some inspiring classical music or a massage or a bath, yeah, the shower, like a nap even. If napping just helps you get so much recovery and afterwards you really do feel like you're a better human, by all means, fit that into your schedule and your daily routines and rhythms. Exactly. We've got to do things that make us feel good. This is true for men and women.

You know, you and I, work with high achievers. We work with people who are go-getters and they've got so much going on. And very often I have to stop and say, well, what are you doing that you actually just love to do? I ain't got no time for that. You know, I'm busy. Go, go, go. Like When was the last time you just stopped and did something you love to do? And it's been a long time. And for some it's like, man, I love painting. love drawing. I love paddle boarding or kayaking. Okay, go.

Fit it into your weekly schedule at least and do things that just fill your well. Yes. Okay, so we actually got a question. Let's let's read the question. I know we've talked about it some already, but I want to get into more some more specifics. So it says what are some practical steps to change our emotional state? How do we change the energy that we radiate? You guys emphasize that that it's a choice we can choose

Greg Denning (16:19.266)
But why does that feel so difficult and strange? I mean, how do you do it so that it is genuine and not a mask? One thing you mentioned is practicing being grateful. I guess another is starting to notice our thoughts and somehow changing them. And exercising will also help. So a fantastic question. Let's start. I start with the radiating piece? That's so insightful that just the questioner is noticing like, hey, I...

This radiates, it's not just me and we have to know that, we have to remember that. What you're feeling emotionally is not isolated like the great poet said, no man is an island. It is not like you're just experiencing that and nobody else senses it, it radiates. And especially in a home and family, it's radiating. Children practice and live by...

imitation without regulation. So if I'm edgy, my kids can be explosive. Right. If I'm angry, they might be furious. If I'm blah and maybe just kind of discontented, the kids might be depressed. If I am constantly annoyed,

they are gonna be at each other's throats. And so it's like kids are this mirror and they practice mirroring. they are, and it's incredible to me, still to this day, how much they can pick up on things like that, even way more than many adults do. But they are, they're great at that. And so they're observing, they're watching, and their way of processing that in a way is acting it out in the world.

But as you were saying, they do it without the ability to regulate because you know, their prefrontal cortex is not fully developed. In fact, it's not fully developed until they're like 24. And so they imitate what they're seeing, but they magnify it. And so. And I would say they take their own little interpretation of it. Yeah. Like, okay, that's this. What it means for me is this. this.

Greg Denning (18:44.15)
And so as we talk about this energy that we radiate, which is absolutely 100 % true, that our children are picking up on as we go through our day, especially if we're dealing with circumstances where we're like, the kids are fighting and I'm so tired of it. We have to focus on the feeling that we are feeling because that is directly contributing to them fighting.

If we are radiating irritation, annoyance, frustration, they're picking up on that and then they're passing that on to their sibling, right? And that's what's contributing to the fighting. So that is one very important element of this. And it's worth asking yourself and honestly evaluating, what is your predominant emotion? What is it you feel like you're feeling most of the time? That I think would be a really big indicator.

to family dynamics and family culture. But the other very important piece of this is just like she says in this question, why does it feel difficult and strange and how do we do it so it's genuine and not a mask? That's another piece because you can't just be, and we've heard people say this and you've asked your coaching clients, you'll ask them that very question, what's your predominant emotion? They're like, well, I try to stay calm. Well, trying to stay calm is not the same as,

feeling peaceful. Like they're not the same thing. So even this idea of like, I'm trying to control my emotions, that's not what we're talking about. In that sense, it's almost trying to mask them. Right. That is more, that's closer to masking. So if you're trying to stay calm or you're trying to be peaceful, that is the very opposite of what we're talking about. You can't try to do those things. You either feel peace or you don't. You either feel calm.

or you don't, but if you try to feel calm, you're essentially feeling some other emotion that you're covering up with.

Greg Denning (20:46.59)
A sense of calmness that's not real. so important, Because if I'm angry at something my kids are doing, it really bothers me. But I'm like, I'm going to be stoic and control. I'm going to control this anger. Boys, we need... I think... The only person I'm kidding is myself.

It's way better than going in there and exploding and insulting and name-calling and blowing a gasket. That's way better. At least I'm controlled behavior. But if we're striving for an ideal here, which I think we should, then the core is still there. Yeah. Well, and I think while you were talking about this, it gave me an insight into how we parent, one of which is...

and I choose to use the words, we're emotionally authentic.

If you and I feel angry or irritated or frustrated by our kids, we don't hide that. In fact, we'll often just tell them. We'll be like, what you're doing is making me feel annoyed. You know, like, don't do that. Or, I am so I'll We're careful about using the word making. Yeah. Because we don't want our kids to think that they're victims. Well, do try to teach them that we're not a victim. Like, I'm feeling annoyed by the behavior you're exhibiting or whatever.

or if we're feeling angry, like I am feeling so angry right now. We don't take this- At which point they might say, you're not a victim, Mom. Yeah, they do love to say those things to us. can choose your emotions. But you're not helping me make my point here, okay? I'm trying to make a point. What I'm trying to say, the point is, we don't go, because we feel angry, we don't go in yelling and screaming at our kids, but what we might do is go in and say, guys, I seriously...

Greg Denning (22:40.886)
I just feel so angry right now because when you do this, X, Y, Z, and I feel like this. So we give an explanation, we explain and expound on it, but we also don't mask it or hide it. We let them know in an appropriate way that they can handle, because I don't want them to feel overwhelmed by my feelings, right? That's not the point either. Nor responsible for nor responsible for my feelings.

But I'm also going to be authentic with them by sharing this is how I feel when you do this and this is why. Because when I do that, again, we're going back to the energy that we radiate. When we, we already have the energy, it's there. If I'm feeling irritated, annoyed, frustrated, the energy's there. So if I try to control it and try to be calm, I'm not doing that, I'm just masking it. Now one of the ways I can,

Process it which is what ultimately we need to do one I can go in my room and I can process it on my own I can go talk to my husband I can process it with him but part of the process may include Sharing it with my kids like I just feel so angry when you do this. I feel so Frustrated or annoyed when you do that or I feel hurt and sad when you talk to your siblings like that I'm being emotionally authentic with them so they understand one. I'm a person that also has feelings

Two, their actions affect my feelings. And three, this is a process for processing those feelings so that we can move beyond them and get back to the authentic, real feelings we want to have, which is peace and calm, but not fake, actually real, because they're actually there. Right. So I think there's two, maybe three really core elements to go with that. One is we have to be emotionally mature. Yes. We'll come back to that. The second one is...

If we are going to... I just have to interrupt. Unfortunately for many adults, it's not the case. Too many adults are not emotionally mature because it was never modeled for them from their parents. And they're learning it as they go, which I want to get into later because that is a part of the key here is that actually our parenting journey can help us realize what we need to mature on and what we need to process. But anyways, go on. So, I'll come back to that in just a second.

Greg Denning (25:01.358)
So I want to say the second one. The second one is that If we're going to be emotionally authentic, it has to make sense. has. We're doing it based on principle. So we'll go in and say, hey, kiddos like it bothers me a lot when you treat each other like that because and we'll explain like you treating other human beings like that. Not cool at all. Like people are people no matter how small we'll get. It's principle basis. It's not arbitrary. It's not some silly thing. It's not.

I hate it when people do this thing and so you should never do that thing. And it's just kind of made up and you have some silly rule in your head, right? And people come up, we have these rule books. We all have these invisible rule books in our heads about certain things. And if the rules in there are ridiculous. Or hypocritical or arbitrary, like there's no real meaning or purpose. Kids see right through that.

So you go and you're like, okay, I'm going to be emotionally authentic and I'm gonna tell the kids how upset that makes me when they do that. And they're like, that's what it's even a little child. We like, that's so dumb. Why? And they might ask why you don't ask me why I said so. So it has to be built on like solid principles. Like it actually has to matter. So if you're going to be upset about something, you better have a

very, very good reason to be upset about it. You really thought through, like there's some substance there. So that's the one part. The other part is that this is a maturity piece because if you're emotionally mature and you're listening to this podcast, think, I'm going to tell my kids how I feel. boy. All they're going to see is like an emotional dumpster fire and roller coaster and like all your emotional flatulence just going everywhere. And like one moment you're this and another moment you're that, another moment you're that. And they're like,

I don't even know. She's all over the place or he's just a madman and they have no idea. There's no correlation. There's no connection. And all you're doing is just expressing all your emotions and they're looking like what is going on? Like there's no rhyme or reason. So we have to be emotionally mature. And I think that fits with maybe the third piece where you said, Hey, like I'm going to go in and say this thing happened and I'm feeling like this because of it.

Greg Denning (27:23.918)
And once it's resolved and processed, like you said, then we go back to a good, healthy state. That doesn't always happen. If the predominant emotion isn't positive and happy and healthy and good, then what are our poor kids going off of? where are they supposed to be most of the time? What? 80 % of the time, 90 % of the time, where are we supposed to be? If you've chosen...

Or by default, even subconsciously, if you've chosen to operate in lower emotional states, negative states, and that's your predominant emotion, where's the baseline? Our poor kids are born into this world, and all they're doing is just taking the world they've come And trying to model it, trying to mirror it. Because that's all they know. They think, OK, this is what we do. I'm trying to take in all this information. And I can just picture right now these babies.

With their just huge Well that's what they do. They just watch and watch and watch and watch. Yeah, for years when they don't understand language. They're just watching everything. That's why they get so good at reading emotion and reading language. So they're observing everything and within a short time they realize, okay, the way to survive in life is to do that emotional state. Right. Whatever one they're born into. And that can be really unhealthy and really set them up on a...

a weak foundation. Well, just as kind of side tangent, I've been reading Power versus Force by Dr. David Hawkins and he has a whole scale for energy levels. And in fact, we looked at it in our coaching session a few weeks ago, the map of consciousness. And he also says in that because he rates every emotion with an energy level, right? And essentially the teachings of Jesus, the teachings of Buddha,

Some of the teachings of Muhammad, they range from like 700 to a thousand, right? So that's on the high end. One is simply like existence, like you're alive, that's it. But anything below 200 is considered a negative emotion. And so it's very insightful because a part of this whole process of developing emotional maturity is developing emotional literacy. So when you can be able to label and identify and...

Greg Denning (29:44.431)
and point out where you are, what emotion you have, that can also be very helpful in helping you understand where you are on the scale. But he says that for most of humanity's existence, except for, I think, since the 2000s, humanity existed at like 195 or below, right? That's where we were as humans. And now we finally come above 200. And then I asked chat GPT and they...

They estimate, some people estimate now that we're currently between like maybe 210 and 230 as humanity in general, right? But it's really fascinating because that same principle, whether you believe in that or not, whatever the principle is, all families are also going to be operating in somewhere on that level of consciousness. it That's what I referring to, like the thermostat. Yeah, the thermostat. Exactly, that's what it made me think of. So your family has this thermostat, this-

standard emotional consciousness, right? It is, it's huge. And so when you can identify what that is most of the time, well, that's going to help you understand what's going on. Because if you're, and I wish I had the chart with me right now, if you are operating in pride or jealousy, or shame or whatever, fill in the blank. Actually, I think I have it saved. Yeah, I do. Save it on my phone. below 200 is essentially

I'm gonna start at the bottom actually, going up. Shame, guilt, apathy, grief, fear, desire, which he could, it's more like craving unhealthy desires, anger, pride, then the first very positive emotion is courage, then neutrality, then willingness, acceptance, reason, love, joy, peace, enlightenment, right?

And then he also has a bunch of different words that are connected to the predominant emotional state, your view on life, things like that. There's dozens of other emotions in there that are mixed in. I think all of us know this intuitively. You can know whether an emotion is a net positive or a negative. Because every thought has energy and every emotion has energy. So if you're just really angry, you know that has an energy. If you're just really in love, that has a different energy. Everyone gets that.

Greg Denning (32:07.534)
So I love this idea. It's so amazing that every family has an emotional thermostat, a baseline, and it's set and it was set unconsciously. It was just set kind of by default. This is rolling along and you do anything and life's busy and set this thermostat, this temperature, emotional temperature. And so a child is born into it or you're just operating and having this awareness, just stopping and saying, okay, let's be honest. Where would we put ourselves on this scale?

You guys make up your own scale, take your numbers wherever. Just phenomenals at a 10 and one is you're just ready to kill each other. Where do you land? And that is going to be so powerful because if you realize like, know what, honestly, most of the time we're rolling at a four, maybe a five on a good Friday night.

That's such an important baseline to realize our emotional thermostat is way too low. And we need to crank this thing up so that we can be operating just at a normal, higher level. Because the ideal, the goal, at least everything we teach and believe and practice ourselves in the whole Extraordinary Family Life podcast is that we need to be on the positive side.

Most of the time. 80 % of the time. me, 95. I know, but you know, you and I and our family experienced a lot of negative emotion last week. We experienced grief. Lots. Because of the death of a friend's baby. And that is an emotion we should experience. 100%. Right? We're not going to be like, we're just going to be in peace and joy that you lost your child. Last week was... So if you're watching, if you're able to watch this like...

Horizon last week's this big big dip. It wasn't just this little dip like you're you know, you're you're kind of low baseline a little dip We're happy and energized most of time and this massive dip right into grief Which is exactly what should happen when there's grief. Yes, exactly. We're not avoiding it We're not moving away from it and we're not already there of like well, I'm already down here anyways, right? Exactly, which is where you know, that's where I was as a teenager

Greg Denning (34:30.542)
You were down in apathy or fear or desire. Grief and anger and bitterness. I was just so mad at, know, choices my parents had made and then choices I had made and being lonely and frustrated. I just was operating down there all the time and another bad thing would happen and my mind was just like, there it is again. And it wasn't even that much of a dip because I was already operating at such a low level.

And when I look back at those, was probably a couple of years, just hard years. I was, I was in the dumps most of that time. And you might think, well, yeah, look at your circumstances. That's understandable. Maybe, but what it was is I didn't realize how powerful our emotional states are and that, that I can operate outside of that. Right. I mean, it's different. We're not saying it's not connected. Of course it was connected. Your circumstances.

the ones especially outside of your control, contributed to your emotions. But the point is, when you learned that when you control your emotions, or as we love to say, nothing gets better until you do, you changed? You know what changed is when I kind of figuratively drew a line in the sand and say, you know, all those things happened and they're in the past. But from this point forward, my life will be what I make of it. That's when I started acquiring emotional maturity. Right.

And again, so back to nothing gets better. The quote that I have on my phone, the reminder every day is nothing gets better until I do. When you realize that when you change yourself, when you change your own emotions, that's when the things in your life get better. Like that's that line in the sand. That's what changes everything. And so, yeah, we're all already operating in one of these emotional levels all the time.

But the goal, the purpose, the point is to increase that so that the thermostat, the average feeling we have is generally in the positive. That's the goal. That's how you get to the extraordinary family life you're after is to increase that level. Yep. And the way to teach this to your children is to show them. Exactly. So if, and we hear this sometimes from parents to be like, my kids just wake up angry. Yeah, there's...

Greg Denning (36:55.246)
They're operating on that thermostat. And then sometimes you do, you're like, oh, why don't you wake up grumpy? I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. like, well, first of all, your bed doesn't have a wrong side. Once you draw that line in the sand. Yeah. then no matter, so, and we don't want to be misunderstood either where it's not like you and I wake up just whistling zippity-doodle every morning. Like as soon as I come into consciousness, like, I'm alive!

we have to deliberately get into this high state. So if I ever wake up and I'm just groggy and I'm just not feeling it, just because I have this routine I've been doing for decades, I don't stay there for more than a few minutes. Because I'm into my routine, whether I feel like it or not, I'm into my routine because I know my routine will make me feel fantastic. It'll bring me up.

into that higher state. So that's one of the very practical strategies is that no matter how we wake up and again, usually most mornings we wake up normal. Your body actually uses cortisol to help you wake up and cortisol is a stress hormone. So when you wake up, generally people don't feel great because your body's flooded with cortisol. So that's just normal to wake up like that, right? But what we're saying is we have a very deliberate morning routine that we do.

that helps us take us from that cortisol state and we take actions that deliberately increase other positive hormones and chemicals. This is great feeling. So it's it's just basic biochemistry really. Yeah, you're working with your body, your own physiology and biology, but you're getting into a mental and emotional state and a spiritual state as well. Right. And you can do this first thing in the morning and here's the coolest thing.

You can do it at any time throughout the day. You can pause and get back into a better state at any moment. So if your kids are fighting and they're upset or whatever and you're being triggered by that, you can stop and do these simple practices and it will reset your, it will change your biochemistry because ultimately that's what's happening. It's the biochemistry in your body. It's your body's physiology that is affecting your mood. Thoughts affect mood and emotions affect thoughts. So it becomes this loop.

Greg Denning (39:14.542)
that continues until you interrupt that and do something deliberate to change it or reverse it. So some of the things I do is even simple things like light movements of your body, you just can move your arms around, you know, and all that, that helps. Breathing, intentional breathing exercises is something I do. And I do too. Where you're just, I'll do the Wim Hof breathing or I'll just do... You can do what's called box breathing where you breathe in for a...

You know, say four seconds, you hold it for four seconds, you blow out for four seconds, you hold it for four seconds, and you just go around in a box and do that for a couple minutes. Tony Robbins has a fire breathing where it's just... Yeah, just... And so you guys can hear this in the microphone. You can tell you're doing it if you can hear it. Like it ought to be audible. Okay, that's... That is the most simple one. It's so simple. stop and... Breathing exercises really do make a difference.

Yeah. Two thirty of those and you start getting a little bit lightheaded and tingly. Wow. Or just jump around and like I can I can sense the resistance because it's real coming back because you guys like, no, it's so silly and so stupid. I'm going to do that. And and what's interesting is like when we feel off, we don't want to do it. I don't want I'm not going to do that dumb thing. I'm not just going to jump around here like an idiot.

Well, I'm like, well, why don't you stay angry then and look like a real idiot? You know what I'm saying? like we operate in so much self-sabotage. Because we're not willing to do the things that work. Yeah, it's just like stop. And do you like how you're feeling? it help? Is it serving you? do like how we're feeling. That's the problem. I want to be angry right now. But it's not like we like it. Well, OK. It's not serving us. I think that's entirely. don't think that's entirely true, because especially if you read like the biology of belief.

we literally can get addicted to negative emotions because our T cells or whatever they are, they create the little receptors that are searching for the cortisol. Like they want the cortisol, they want those stress hormones. stress and the drama and the, yeah, we get to memorize it or we get addicted to it. We're addicted to it. So a lot of times, yeah, we do want to feel those negative emotions because our body's addicted to them and that's what they're used to receiving and that's what they want.

Greg Denning (41:34.838)
And so it can feel very much like, no, I want to feel this. I want to feel anger. I want to feel shame. I want to feel guilt. I want to feel pride. We can get addicted to feeling that way. And that answers her question of why it feels so, why does it feel so strange and so foreign when I'm, trying to feel better and it's like my body is resisting. That's why it is. And so we have to learn these new patterns and show our kids how to do the same thing, model for them and, get, do have them do the breathing with you.

Have them jump up and down, run in place, do jumping jacks, turn on a song, sit down whenever you notice it's off. Just stop. Read from a book that changes your mindset. Do a meditation. It's kind of sad and funny to me that we will persist. Once we finally are aware of, I feel like crap, we just keep going. I'll just spend the rest of the day feeling like this, or the rest of week, or the rest of the decade. Just stop.

Right. Even though we don't feel like it. And so there is this element in some ways of the whole, and I heard actually Dennis Prager talking about this the other day, this whole idea of fake it till you make it. There is a true principle behind that. Like if you want to be happier, we'll start acting more happier until it becomes normal because you're stuck in this memorized emotion. You're stuck in this addiction to the negative emotion and you have to retrain your body.

and change your biochemistry and some of the only ways to do that is to fake it for a little while as you, you know, like if you don't feel like smiling, smile, just smile. That was exactly what I was gonna use. So you don't feel like smiling, it feels insincere, you're like, I don't wanna smile at all, but you smile anyways and you sit up straight, you fix your posture and you take some deep breaths and you kind of bounce around. You don't feel like bouncing, you don't think there's anything to be excited about.

but you kind of jump around a little bit and swing your arms like your side and yes, let's go. It's actually funny how you can trick your body into, and it works, that's the point. It actually works. If you act like you're excited by doing the things you would do if you were excited, you trick your body into thinking that you're excited. So releases all these good feelings and chemicals in your body and you're like, I feel way better already. And I think I've actually seen, well I know I have, I've seen you do that.

Greg Denning (44:02.062)
Many times. Like I know there's times when I'm like, he's tired, he's exhausted, he's not happy right now about something. And you literally will just go into kind of fake it mode for a minute until it switches into real, like it's real because it works. Like you trick your body into doing that. Yeah. And I have things I say to myself. So I'm addressing my, it's called endophagia. It's your self-talk. So I have things I say.

I go back to core beliefs that I've instilled in me. I turn to certain authors or books that just always help me get back in a better mindset. I have spiritual practices, have emotional practices, I physical practices. I've been so deliberate about this, so in moments I can just totally transform my state. I'm not gonna sit around and play just be grumpy for the rest of the day just because you feel grumpy. I was working on project last week.

And I just felt myself just draining and I'm working on it. like, I need to keep working on this. Which is actually not a good strategy. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to grind head down, keep going. And I could tell I was just fading. like, what is wrong? OK, I'm just going to take a little break. I'll get right back to it. You know, I wasn't even I was aware it was happening, but I was like, I got to keep working. I got to keep working. And so I just stood up and I grabbed a couple of bites of food.

No kidding. I swallowed a couple of mouthfuls and I was like, man, I feel better. I was hungry. I needed some food. Like what was happening is just like my, I don't know, my blood sugar levels or whatever, just nutrients. I was just empty. I was an empty tank. wasn't because of physical exertion. It because of mental exertion. It drained me. And I was sitting here at this desk and I was like, that's all it took. A couple of bites. I'm back in the game. Let's go. I fantastic. Totally changed the whole feeling.

and mood and everything. But we have to be willing to actually do the things that work if we want to do what she's asking here. If we really want to change our emotional states, which we should after everything we've talked about, we should realize how important that is because when you do that as a parent, you're going to change the whole emotional state in your family and hopefully continue to raise that thermostat so that there's positive emotions in the family most of the time.

Greg Denning (46:27.288)
but we have to be willing to do the things that actually work. A couple other things that work for me is simple meditations, like a gratitude meditation. I have an app called Insight. literally, I mean they have all kinds of stuff in there. I just use their timer and I hit play. I do six minutes. And I got this from Tony Robbins recently. I do three minutes of gratitude. I just think about three different things I'm grateful for.

Yeah, and I said I really focus on the thing. Yeah, feeling feeling it for that person. also doesn't have to be like a huge thing like, I'm so grateful. want a million dollars like it's a little thing like this morning. I was thankful for you and how much you work how hard you work and all the stuff you do and you know, that was one of the things I'll be grateful for the sun like it's just simple things right and I said it my little timer. Beautiful for how beautiful you are. I try thinking something else. You're distracted.

I'm just so grateful how beautiful she is. Okay, so I'll do one timer at one minute each and then it's three minutes of like a prayer or releasing or whatever like, know, help me to level up, help me to be better, help me to improve myself, my life so that I can continue to raise my own energy levels and, you know, move up the scale because ultimately that is how you make your life more and more extraordinary.

Like as you can move up this level of consciousness, right? And regularly feel more positive emotions. Not that you never feel negative emotions like we mentioned. Like if we feel the grief, that's necessary. It's good, it's important. But the point is to not then stay in grief for the rest of the year, right? That would not be healthy. You know? Can I share one? You said something, I do something similar, but particularly when I have a problem. And I know people listening might be like, well.

What, how do I try to feel good when I'm facing a problem? Especially if it's an ongoing problem, it's chronic problem, it's a very serious problem. And I found, I guess I'm just noticing when you were explaining what you do, I'll do the same thing. I kind of go in my head and instead of dwelling on the problem, start looking for inspiration in solutions. Exactly. Like, me and I'll pray, I'll meditate, I'll ask myself, I'll just think about it like,

Greg Denning (48:54.456)
Give me, how can I do something about this? What's one step I can take to make this better? What's one direction I can go? And so I start making my mind look for answers and solutions instead of focusing on the problem. Because if you focus on the problem, you just, you lay down, throw in the towel and you feel all the garbage. Down and down and down into the negative side of the emotions. And that's not helpful because

At the very least, it is not going to help you solve the problem. Like if you go into negative emotion, the solution to your problem is not there. You have to, like as Einstein said, like how does that quote go? You can't solve the problem from the same level in which you created it. Exactly. You have to raise your own energy levels in order to be able to solve the problem that was created by the energy level that created it, right? I've started doing something recently that's kind of similar.

and I'm calling it future journaling, but it's this idea of where I'm writing about the solution to the problems I'm facing, but in a future tense as though it's already happened, right? So I'll write, I'm so grateful that this happened and I may even expound into how it happened, how it worked out, what happened. So you could do this with your parenting, your marriage. If you're facing a problem with your children, well, journal about it as though it's in the future.

and it's already been resolved. I'm so grateful that my kids have stopped fighting and this is how. I learned how to model for them and I helped them develop emotional literacy and then I co, what's the word? I co-regulated with them, right? Because children can't learn, children don't know how to self-soothe. They don't know how to self-regulate. This is one of the biggest fallacies out there.

All of these, and it starts with things like the whole, your baby cry itself to sleep thing. Like babies will learn how to self-soothe. That is one of the reasons why so many people don't know how to self-regulate. They were left to cry themselves to sleep when they were babies. Like, I feel so strongly about this. It just makes me sick. That's the foundation of where this starts. They do not have the brain development to be able to do that. They have to co-regulate, which means you as their parent

Greg Denning (51:19.64)
have to teach them how to calm themselves by doing it with them for many, many, years. So until they've had co-regulation, they'll never have self-regulation. So we have to begin by co-regulating with our children. And then we have to teach them emotional literacy. We have to teach them the words so they can name their emotions. And then we can allow them to and help them and role play with them.

how to then regulate on their own. So it's a multi-step process. It's like a ladder, you you can think of it that way. When we do that, then we've empowered them to be able to self-regulate. But for many of us, we don't even know how to do that ourselves. And so that's part of the problem is we have to learn how to do that so we can model it for our children and help them learn how to do it. Yeah, and by practicing what we've already said in this episode, like you can learn how to do it quickly. This isn't gonna take years. Right. You be like...

Five years from now, my kids will be to my grandkids. I know. Start. Start figuring this out within a few days of practicing these things. You realize, wow, that's actually really simple and amazing. If I'm paying attention and I don't like the level I'm feeling, I can do this, this and this. Do some breathing. I can jump up and down and dance. can. You'll find the thing that works best for you. A certain practice or, know,

we might say reading and one book does nothing for you, but the other book's like, that, every time I read from that book, changes my state. Like The Majesty of Calmness by William George Jordan. Like when I was a young mom, anytime I felt upset. And if I would pick up that book, immediately I was like, The Majesty of Calmness. Like, yes, okay. That's so great. You know? And so, okay, but this made me think of the other thing I really want to mention before we end here. And that's...

the whole idea of as a parent, the things that we face and the things that are triggered in us by our children being children are clues to how we can actually become a better, more developed person. So that's one of the perspectives that I brought to parenting that I think made a huge difference is that I never saw the problem as my child. Like my child was not the problem. My child...

Greg Denning (53:41.518)
was often revealing something about myself that I needed to change. And so if I got upset or angry or frustrated by something they said or did, well, I realized the problem wasn't them. I didn't need to get them to stop doing that thing in order to make the problem go away. I needed to resolve the issue within myself, and that would make the problem go away. And that would often then fix the behavior that my child was exhibiting.

because somehow it's all connected and I think in some ways they intuitively know and it's not conscious in any way, but they're doing the things that trigger my behaviors because my behavior, no, they're doing the things that trigger my emotions because my emotions need to be resolved. Exactly. So now, or in my parenting journey, if I was triggered by certain things, then what I had to do was the inner emotional work. I had to be like, why? Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel so?

upset or disapproved of. We went through this whole journey where my word, we discovered after a long time, was disapproval. I did not want to be disapproved of, whether that was from you, whether that was from my children. And so I had to do the work of resolving that feeling of disapproval so that I didn't interpret your actions or their actions as something personal against me, but just...

You know, was just whatever, was just them. But when I resolved that, then the problem went away, right? And so that's the key. your emotional reaction or overreaction to it went away. Exactly, right. Exactly. And the misinterpretation of so many things. So that's my invitation here is that we have to learn to pay attention to the things that we're feeling, but give it a new meaning.

Not, I'm feeling this way because my kids do this and I don't like it. Well, okay, there's an element of that. Like, yeah, I don't want my children to be rude brats. That's a thing, right? I want them to have good manners. But if it's really disturbing me on another level, a part of it might be when my children behave like that, I'm worried about other people disapproving me, right? Judging me. Thinking I'm a bad mom. Thinking I'm a bad mom.

Greg Denning (56:05.27)
Like you have to really examine it and see, what what's lying behind this? What is the reason for my sincere emotional response to this that I need to process and resolve and ask how you might have contributed to it? So if my kids are rude or mean or selfish, I always just stop and say, how have I contributed to this? Am I like, is it correlation or causation here? Like how how have I?

brought this about and what do I need to do differently? What changes do I need to make so that that just kind of goes away naturally? I can correct and teach and coach and mentor, but if I make some changes, that problem goes away for good. Yeah, I do think that those things can be different levels. Like one level is I feel this way about it because it means something about me deeply buried inside.

worthless if my kids behave like this or I'm worthless if my kids talk to me in this way. That's one level and I think that we can probably better take that approach or sometimes it can be done, you know, at the same time. But once we resolve that issue, we're going to be way better at doing the next level of like, okay, my kid does act like a brat. How did I cause or contribute this to this behavior? Right? But it's harder to do that

if we're feeling worthless or unloved or, you know, fill in the blank. And we gotta resolve those things first. have to be resolved in order for us to better be able to tackle that next level. With emotional maturity. wanna share an idea that came to my mind that I think is significant for us to think about. A baby cries, it is a vocal response, not for itself.

If it was self-soothing, would do something else that doesn't create noise for others to hear. The cry is like, hey, I need help. I need help. What if we look at our children in their whole childhood and look at their behaviors as a cry for help? Our kids are temper tantrums. Fighting, being rude, mean. Angry, selfish, explosive.

Greg Denning (58:29.518)
These big emotions. What if we see all of those as a plea as a cry for help saying hey I'm I'm because really that's what it is. They're saying I need help Regulating this I need help figuring this out. I don't know what to do with what I'm feeling I don't know what to do with the circumstances that's causing all these feelings and be like Help me navigate this. Yeah, and so from the time your child is born

far into adulthood, why not see their behaviors as indicators, as calls, as cries for help to say, it's not what it is on the surface. It's not what it seems. I'm to go over and I'm going to help them through this. I'm going to coach them. I'm going to mentor them through this and give them tools that they can use moving forward. And those things, you address them one by one. And then pretty soon,

There's hardly any issues. The cries and pleas for help are so diminished because... And so appropriate. you know, like they're not... Autonomous. They're not dramatic or traumatic or extreme, right? That's so powerful. Well, and this is not, of course, just to be clear, to say that we need to be like these helicopter parents that are solving all the problems for our children. Like, that's not what we're saying here at all.

Because while I firmly believe and the research shows that a baby under the age of one cannot be spoiled, like you can't hold it too much, you can't pick it up too much, can't stop it, you know, like every time it cries you should meet that need. That's the foundational aspect of a healthy human psychology. If you do that for a baby, they're going to have a way better psychology as they grow up. So that right there solves a lot of problems.

But of course, as they grow and become more independent, then yeah, we need to continually be backing away, backing away appropriately. But not, and I love what you're saying, because we're not going in to solve their problems for them. in to co-. are we staying back saying, well, time for you to figure this out. They don't know how to figure it out. You're mentoring. That's why Rachel and I are releasing a new parent mentoring course. It's all mentoring. We are mentoring and coaching them.

Greg Denning (01:00:50.07)
And that's what good parenting is. You're stepping in not to solve the problem for them, but not to let them just struggle and suffer on their own and not be able to figure it out. And they go, they'll get it. No, they won't. They're too young. They don't have enough life experience. It's to jump in there and coach them, mentor them through this process, give them tools and options where they make the choices. then with some tools figure it out. So I'm not doing it for them, but I'm not leaving them there to just.

not figure it out on their own. And it takes a lot of wisdom and insight, I think, and intuition to be able to learn how to do that even when you have all the tools. you know, because that's one thing we do, we're constantly giving out tools. The course, our coaching gives out tools. The course we're creating gives out tools. Having all the tools is necessary. Like, you need to have the tools because a lot of people fail.

at parenting simply because they don't have the tools. They don't know what they can use. And so here they are, they're like trying to hammer in every little nail and they're like, this just doesn't work. We're like, dude, here's a nail gun, like here, let's go fast. I can't even make tools sounds, anyways, you know. That was a great try. I know. But even with the tools, then you need, you have to develop that wisdom and intuition and inspiration to know when and how to use the right tools.

But kind of the imagery I get with this approach that we're discussing is like a toddler at the playground, right? The toddler, it's at that age where they wanna explore the world, but they also wanna be safe. And so they'll go out and they'll play and explore, and then they wanna come back to mom to make sure, you're still here and the world is as I know it, right?

It's that idea, but that continues to expand as they get older. Like you're there for them when they need you. And especially when they have this healthy psychological foundation, they're really only going to come to you when they need it. But they know that when they do come to you, you're going to be there for them. We have to be. And so if we can help them learn that, that really helps with our wisdom because they're also developing that wisdom and they're not going to just be asking us for things they can do themselves, right? They're not going to be like, oh yeah.

Greg Denning (01:03:07.47)
will you do this for me? I can do it, but I don't want to. They learn how like, no, I'm gonna be responsible. I'm gonna be independent. I'm gonna take care of myself as much as possible. And when I really can't, I'm gonna come to you for help because I know you will help me and you'll be able to help me. That's kind of this idea here is like, that's the mentoring you're talking about. We need to be there for our kids, but...

We also have to allow them to be independent as much as possible. I love it. Ladies and gentlemen, we can be like this positive emotional tide that comes into the family and lifts all the family boats. And we can raise that thermostat. Even if it's just you, if you're the only one listening and you're like, everyone else in the family is a mess. You can come in with such a positive radiant force for good.

it can't not have a good effect because you're just radiating out this good feeling and at first it'll just be better moments and then it'll be better days and then better weeks and then better years because you just have this beautiful radiating warmth through the whole house and you're doing whatever you need to stay at those higher emotional levels

It just has such an amazing effect of preventing so many problems and then helping you address the others. It's really powerful. It can't be emphasized enough how important this is. And so we just start practicing today, right now. I promise within a moment. You'll have the chance. You'll be tested and you'll have a chance to reset. And it's awesome. So you can choose an emotion. And then whenever you get knocked off from that, you can just reset and just keep going back to it.

Keep going back to it until you get better and better, stronger and stronger, and staying in a good positive emotion. It's amazing. But it happens by simply doing those very little things that actually can change how you feel. Whether it's moving your body, breathing, dancing, going for a walk in nature. And I guarantee every one of you already knows some of those things. You're just resistant to using them. like, no, I don't want to do that.

Greg Denning (01:05:31.17)
Do it, just start doing it because that's the beginning of making this change. Right, and it's leading you to what you want. Not anyone else, not us, not whoever. It's what is it you truly want? You want to have a great positive state for your whole family and those practices will lead you there. So whether you feel like it or not, just do them because it's what you want most. Okay, love you guys. Thanks for listening. Reach upward.