#308 ‘Touched Out' or Tired of Tantrums? Here’s How We Still Show Up for Our Kids

Greg Denning (00:00)
Truth has a tendency to offend people.

we are the ones that have to be the adults.

I don't want it to be easy. I want it to be effective.

They do not have a part of their brain that allows them to self-regulate.

the very first thing we can all do to increase our capacity is to eat better food.

you can't draw from an empty well.

Parenting is never convenient.

They grow up. They move out. So fast.

Toddlers with full buckets don't have tantrums.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. We're your host Greg and Rachel Denning. Super excited to answer some more questions today and And to talk about something, sorry, in my mind is critically important. Like if there was one thing that I could say is the key to great parenting, we're gonna be touching on that today.

Which we wish we would have.

Fully understood. Right. I feel like we did it. I like we wish we would have understood what we were doing. Yeah. Because it matters so much. Yeah. I wish we had someone telling us from the beginning about this because I feel like in our parenting journey, we figured it out along the way. But if we had known right from the beginning, in fact, ironically, I was actually daydreaming about this other day. like,

I wish I could go back and like start again with my youngest kids.

my first kids and fully use these strategies because they are so important. They make all the difference. They make the difference between good parenting outcomes and poor parenting outcomes. Like it's so critical.

It's a game changer. And, and ironically, it's so strange. Like there's, there's societal ⁓ beliefs.

The whole culture of society, I think.

But it's, they're wrong. Right. Like the data says one thing and the culture is like,

And parents were saying, well, no, do this because it'll make your kids more resilient. It's like, no, it'll wreck your kids.

And then everybody wonders why there's such a absolute mess among teens and young adults right now.

And in fact, I mean, the more I understand this topic, the more I just can see so clearly when parents are discussing the issues they're having with their children of all ages. I'm like, ⁓ here's...

Here's why. This is it. This is the cause of all parenting problems. This is the solution for all parenting, for positive parenting outcomes. Like, it is the thing.

It is the thing. And that seems like such a bold claim, but we're going to get into why that is, of course what it is, and why it makes such a huge difference.

I want to share a little related thought. Seems like a little tangent here for a moment, but it's related. I've been thinking about this for a while.

Truth has a tendency to offend people.

Isn't that interesting? It just does.

If you are speaking truth, somebody's gonna be offended. And in a desire to be nice people, to be likable people, we think, if I'm a good person, I don't wanna offend people. And so we try to soften things and...

We sugarcoat things and we don't say what really needs to be said because

we just don't want to hurt people's feelings. The truth is often inconvenient or uncomfortable. It's so uncomfortable and it's a slap in the face and it's holding up the mirror. Truth is a mirror and you hold it up and you take an honest look and you're like, that's really uncomfortable. And so the temptation is to look away. We want to avoid looking at the mirror.

and noticing, as they say, warts and all, you don't want to see the parts that hurt. But that's the very best thing we can do. Well, and that's very often, at least in my own experience, that's the thing I need. That's the thing you need. exactly. The thing that is uncomfortable, the thing that's inconvenient, that's the thing you need It's the very thing you right? That painful thing is the answer

to your questions. It's the solution to your problems. so... So you're just giving a heads up this may be inconvenient or uncomfortable? This is for new people, I guess, because everyone who's been listening know that we generally say something that's probably offensive to somebody every episode.

Because I feel like we just have to say what's true, hold up the mirror and be like, look, if this is what's going on, then here's what you need to do.

And you got to own that.

Yes, it's uncomfortable. Yes, it's inconvenient. Yes, it hurts. It hurts to be like, I'm doing this thing that's sabotaging my life. But what other option do we have?

We could keep living in denial.

We can keep avoiding the truth because it's uncomfortable and keep hoping for different results, but we'll never get them. Right.

Well, it's interesting while you're talking because I'm smiling and laughing because along this

journey that we've taken of sharing and coaching and helping people. We do, we get questions all the time and we often are asked by people difficult questions. And we give these answers that even to me sometimes I feel uncomfortable giving the answer. I feel uncomfortable sharing the thing with them that I'm trying to share. But I do it because I know it's something they need to hear.

They have to hear what I'm saying, even if sometimes I feel like I'm being mean, because that's my role. My role is to share the truth. And so I have to give these things to people, even though at times it has led to people no longer listening to us. Or liking us. Liking us. I don't like those Dennings. They say mean things. And yet we have to be, we have to be ⁓ more responsible with our

But let's say it like that all of us do as a society, especially we've got to be more responsible with our words and Meaning responsible as in what I say King the way I speak to myself the way I speak to you the way I speak on the podcast the things we say

I thought of a softener where that's become very common in in the US culture at least and Instead of saying that someone has gotten fat We say well they put on weight

And the images, know, the guy who puts on weight is a gentleman who's putting on a weight vest. That guy put on weight, right? The guy that's fat, he's fat. it's it's a thing.

a real thing. If you were to pull it out and like hold your hand like this is fat. This isn't weight. This is fat. And that's a simple example, but it points out a truth. It's like we're more responsible with our words. It's like, no, you didn't put on weight. You put on fat. Well, and I think the contrast for those of

for people who especially are new and they're like, wow, guy, this guy is rude. For us, we had that realization when we began traveling, because we would go to other countries and they were just so straightforward. They would be like, the fat one or the brown one. I mean, it even just happened to us the other day in Spain. We were with friends and one of our friends is from a Latin descent. They're like, who's the brown girl with you, right?

That kind of stuff doesn't happen in the States because we have become so... Hypersensitive. Hypersensitive, right. And so it's very interesting when you get out into the rest of the world and realize that they're just much more direct. They're just much more straightforward. They'll just tell you to your face, like, you're fat, or you're this, or you're that, or whatever. And I think that there's an obvious benefit to that because it helps you to not be so, ⁓ wow, did you just say that?

Did you just tell me that? You know, we're willing to hear the truth and not try to push it away or retract from the pain of the truth. And what is it? It's a form of a lie. It's like we're trying to deceive ourselves and others, but inward we know. So you're thinking, well, how dare that person call me fat? Well, it's because you are fat.

And you know it, but you don't want to know it. It's like you're trying... It's like a facade or a map. Like, I'm not fat. How dare you call me fat? Like, well, you know you're fat. So anyways, it's this point of... I know it's a little bit of a tangent here, but I've just been thinking about it, and I think it's important. We just have to be more responsible with our language. And it's funny that you're saying this because, I I feel like this topic is not going to be that painful. Although, it might be painful.

But I guess the invitation here is,

especially for you and I, we've been very intentional about not shying away from the pain of the truth.

From honest conversations. From honest conversation. Even if that included you and I saying to each other, hey, you're getting a little fat. Right? We're not going to sugarcoat it. not going to... We try to be nice. We're not... Our intention is not to be mean, but it is to be honest and truthful.

As tactful as possible, but still truthful. But as honest as possible. And that's the point. And I think that that's an approach in general that works well because when we're willing to embrace truth, however inconvenient or uncomfortable it might be, that's where the real power lies for us to actually create change. And it works in marriage, it works in parenting, it works in life. Exactly. All right, let's go. So let's get into the topic, which...

Hopefully we haven't frightened you off because it's really not going to be that bad. I think it's going to be great. ⁓

I received a text from a woman in my group, a mother, in my 28 day challenge, which is a challenge for moms to help them create habits that will support them in their personal growth journey as a mother.

And she's part of the...

Family life coaching group. which also includes the family. Well, it can't include the family life coaching group. So she asked me this question.

She said my daughter is about to be three and a half. Up until now, parenting felt pretty easy. I really need to level up now to be able to keep my calm when she's really upset. She and her 23 month old sister often both want to be in my lap or my arms at the same time. I'm setting limits.

because I'm trying to avoid feeling touched out. Now that's important we're gonna touch on later. I'm eager for your parenting course. I'm feeling both inspired and depressed about the fact that you have had no childhood tantrums for 16 plus years, which is true, we have not.

And in case you don't know, our oldest is 22 and our youngest is eight. Okay. So I responded to her saying,

thank you so much for sharing this. This is a tender age. You're right that this is often when parenting starts to feel more intense, especially now that she has two children. You're not alone in this. These moments when your daughter is really upset are exactly when she needs your calm the most. This is a season when your strength as the adult really matters.

And I want to emphasize that for a second.

Because this is something you talk about in your coaching with men. All the time. This is something I talk about.

It is our job in this relationship with our children to be the adult. Okay? And you might be thinking, well, yeah, obviously. But not every parent behaves like the adult.

very often, we're holding up the mirror here, you look at a situation like, hey, it appears that you're acting as childish as your child.

And it often appears that your child is acting just like you act. and here's the difference, because this is what parents don't understand.

There's a thing, and you probably know the name, I forget, it's essentially our children mimic us, but in a way that is ⁓ unregulated.

It's imitation without regulation. exactly.

Imitation without regulation. So our children imitate what we're doing, but they don't have the ability to regulate it like we do.

So we can get upset and we have a regulated upsetness, Hopefully.

Some many adults don't. Right. And that's the childish part of them. Right.

And so then our children often imitate that and exaggerate it because they lack the regulation. They literally lack that part of their brain that can regulate emotion. I'm going to touch on this for one second because it's critically important. What that means...

essentially is that your baby and your toddler do not have the brain capacity They do not have a part of their brain that allows them to self-regulate.

That means something as simple as do not let your baby cry it out because your baby doesn't know how to self-soothe. Your baby was created, evolved, grown to co-regulate. They co-regulated while they were growing in the womb and they don't immediately

learn how to self-regulate just because they're born into the world. It doesn't work that way. They literally don't have that part of their brain. So...

This is one of those stupid things in society where people just think, well, let them cry it out, they'll figure it out. They'll learn how to self-soothe or that, you know, they'll learn how to be tough. And they'll learn that, you know, just because they cry, I'm not going to come running. And like those things are so dumb.

And even sleep training is so dumb and so It's not just dumb,

it's actually traumatic to your child. And you might be thinking, well, no, I did it and my kids are fine. There's no problems. But there's actually a lot of research on it. And in fact, those methods, those sleep training methods, and now this is crazy, was started by a man in Germany I forget his name, but I can look it up. A man in Germany who taught these methods.

to help train and raise Nazi soldiers. Because it was a method that was intended to break the bond between parent and child so that there was not this emotional connection and in a totalitarian state, the connection,

the, what's the word I want? The loyalty is meant to be given to the state, to the government.

away from the parent. And one of the best ways to do that is to break the parent-child bond. Now, one method that was used to create this was the crying out method.

By not comforting your child when they're crying, by sleep training them, by keeping them separate from you, all of that was used to break parent-child bonds.

And create attachment issues. And create attachment issues, which we are going to be discussing today because...

When I talked about the thing that creates all of the problems in your parenting life, that creates all the behavioral issues, that creates the mental emotional challenges of your child, and in fact created your mental and emotional issues because they came from your parents, is attachment disorders. All of those things can be tied back into attachment disorders, which essentially means a broken emotional attachment between parent and child.

We're not just making this stuff up, like our preference, don't sleep train your children and don't respond to their cries. This is real and it has research behind it to back it up. And it creates, detachments between parent and child, which then become the foundation of...

all of the behavioral issues. of other issues. Exactly, all of the other issues. All of the other issues.

this is that point where we have to be responsible with our words and start making connections. You're saying, nah, I did sleep training, it worked out great, my kids are fine. And then the next breath, hey, could you help me? Like, I'm not sure why they have tantrums and why my kids won't listen. Tantrums, exactly. They don't want to spend any time with me and they talk back and like they just, we're just having a really hard time. Like, uh.

Yeah, so I mean, let's make those connections. The tantrum thing is one example. And one of the reasons I say, and I've told people like we haven't had tantrums and I'm kind of just guessing like 17 years. But one of the things that switched that is early on. We again, like we already said, we didn't understand all of this fully. And so with our older children, we had more attachment issues, right? That we weren't fully bonding with them. We weren't fully.

meeting all their needs or responding to every cry or whatever. And we had tantrums. But as I learned this, as I learned how to use attachment with my child, as I learned how to really bond with them, how to really meet their needs, that's when the tantrums went away. Because when we meet their needs, when their need bucket or whatever, their emotional bank account is full,

then you don't have these behavioral issues. You don't have tantrums. You don't have ⁓ acting out. You don't have the mean behavior. You don't have the teenage rebellion. Like it carries over into every agent stage. into adulthood. Into adulthood. right. Because then that is the foundation of a healthy mentally and emotionally healthy adult because they have a strong attachment with their parent. Now this is so huge. I wish I could just somehow get people to understand

how significant this is, it's huge. It really is that big of a deal. And so specifically for this ⁓ person who's asking the question, got a three-year-old and a two-year-old, but almost two. It's like, both need massive amounts of cuddling and playing and touching and quality time and quantity time. Like, you can't get enough. And so...

You know, with the best of intentions, the husband's like, oh, you But wait, we didn't get to that part. Oh, OK. We'll get there. Well, and because I want to add to this, because you mentioned their ages, and especially if you look at the work of Erica Komizer, she says she would say, I mean, I feel like it carries on further than this, but she would say if you had to choose, the most critical age for attachment with your child is zero to three. So this mother especially is like right in the midst of that. Yep. Right?

So, but we're gonna keep going. And what's happening, I just wanna really emphasize this. Your child is striving to be safe and secure to feel like I can rely on my parents to meet my needs and take care of me. So that's why they are wanting to run to you, wanting to be comforted, wanting to cuddle, wanting to spend time. They're checking that.

assurance, they're building this framework in their life of, I safe? Can I rely on these people? Can I trust them? Can I know that if things go south, things go wrong, I can rely on them to be there for me. That's what they're doing. They're building this framework for them. As long as we meet those needs, then they feel good. And I have to...

shout this from the rooftops, if a child and a teen or an adult for this matter feels safe, and feels whole, the needs are met. And feels like they can count on the most important people in their life. Yes, then the behavioral problems are non-existent or go away. it makes parenting so easy. Yes, there are parenting strategies and we cover that in our parenting course, but the strategies are simple.

immediately effective if the child is whole. Right, and attached. If there's no attachment, if there's no wholeness, there's no security, there's no safety, if the need bucket is empty, then the behaviors are going to be exaggerated and there's going to be far more negative behaviors. and besides that, without that underlying attachment,

all of the parenting techniques in the world are going to be less effective. If you lack the attachment, you could do something that we do that works amazingly, and it's not gonna work for you because you don't have the correct attachment with your child, right? Okay, so I'm gonna keep reading this. ⁓ Yeah, so I was emphasizing that this is the time when you need to be the adult, right? ⁓ What you're facing, two little ones, needing your lap, your arms, your presence.

isn't a problem to fix, right? And that's how often parents view it. They think, my kids need me all the time, how do I fix this? How do I stop this from happening? It's not a problem that needs to be fixed. It's a sign

that you are their safe place. And that's natural and normal. And that's what we want. We want them to rely on us. Now earlier you talked about how in our culture,

we have this idea that that's a bad thing. That if our children, especially two and three and a half, want us and need us because we're their safe place, that somehow they're going to grow up to be mama's boys or babies or whatever. It doesn't work that way. It actually works the opposite. When they have us as their safe and secure place when they're young, they're more confident when they grow up. They're more secure. They're more independent. They're more autonomous.

But if we don't, and I don't know where this comes from, it's like this crazy comes from the German guy. That's where it started. It was just sick. So you're like, I don't want my kids to be needy babies. So I'm going to set limitations. I'm going to set boundaries. I'm going to keep my kids out and make them be tough. When they're toddlers, well, it has the opposite effect. It does. They become very clingy. And they have tantrums. And they have meltdowns. Well, and so they become more emotional, more reactive, more clingy.

And then you've literally created the thing that you didn't want. And people will come to the erroneous conclusion, they'll be like, well, it's because we let them be clinging it's like No, it's because you put barriers up. And then you keep pushing them away, like, I want it to be tough. And the only thing they're going do is they're going to be clinging on someone else. And this is how you get girls clinging on to just...

rash can men. you fast forward to teen years, there's a direct connection between them. They're dating boys who are just absolute losers, but they're just clingy, they're needy. They'll attach to anything or anyone. because it's not been need was not met when they were young. So I can't rely on my parents. We're both talking at the same time because we're both so excited about this, but there's a big connection between that. so many parents don't realize that there is a connection.

that your lack of attachment with your daughter when she's young leads to her getting pregnant when she's a teenager. And you think, how's that connected? And dating terrible guys. It's connected. It's because it's a det... Attachment disorder. I keep wanting to mix up the words. It's an attachment disorder. It's part of an attachment disorder. Because she did not properly attach, now she has these behaviors that act out in the world. Okay, so...

It's a sign that you're their sort of place. Their need for closeness is exactly what builds long-term mental and emotional health, secure attachment, and better behavior now and as they grow. Yes, it's true. It has been over 16 years for us without tantrum. That doesn't mean we've had quiet passive kids. It means we've honored their need for connection so deeply that their inner tanks stay full.

instead of putting limits on how often they could bond with us, because that's one of the things she mentioned. And again, I'm not blaming her because it makes sense. She's thinking, I'm touched out, I'm overwhelmed, I need to set limits so that I don't lose my crap, right? What I'm saying is, and as we'll explain here more, we are the ones that have to be the adults.

We cannot set the limits on our children of how much they can bond with us because we can't handle it. We have to be able to handle it. They're the babies. Yeah, they're the babies. We have to grow in our capability so we can meet their needs so that we can build those strong attachments so we don't set ourselves up for more problems in the future. That was one thing I wanted to emphasize is our first thought is, I need to set boundaries and limitations so that

it doesn't push past my limitations. That's the first thought. I wanna invite all of you to consider a second thought. Instead of protecting my current limitations, why don't I expand them? Why don't I increase my capacity? Let that sink in, let that hit home. Instead of protecting my limitations as a person, why don't I increase my capacity?

And I really love that because she responds with that. ⁓ And it's really beautiful. Let me get to that. okay. Instead of putting limits on how often they bond with us, we focus on increasing our capacity to meet their needs physically, emotionally, and mentally. That is the real key. Of course, feeling touched out is real, but instead of limiting them, like this is like what you're saying, to protect ourselves, we have learned how to recover quickly.

and build resilience so we could keep showing up as the adult they need us to be. For context, Rachel's reading her response. Yeah, I'm reading my words to her. And that's what the parenting course is all about, building strength and resilience and tools to meet your kids' needs without losing yourself in the process. But then she responded with this, which was so amazing. Thank you so much for this informative response and your encouragement. The idea of recovering quickly...

and increasing capacity makes so much sense to me. And it rings true with my gut feeling. I want to be able to meet their intense needs and I'm having a hard time recovering quickly. That's really the issue, not being able to recover. My husband says, and this is important, we're going to talk about this, my husband says I'm encouraging bad habits by holding them and tells me to limit this behavior. I think he's trying to protect me because he sees how drained I am and that makes sense.

I see that the true solution is for me to become more resilient. When is your course going to be launched? Yes. So then, like I absolutely love that. She's spot on. And I responded to her. like, you know, with the best of intentions, your husband is trying to protect you and kudos to him because that's his job. His job, like a husband's job is to protect the wife, the mother. That's his job. So that she can show up for her children.

So if push came to shove, and I think that this is true, you would choose protecting me probably over our kids now. Hopefully you never have to make that choice. But you never have to make that choice. this is a hard position for husbands to be in because it takes a lot of tactful manliness to protect a wife, but then also to say to her, babe,

I've got to protect you from yourself. exactly. You need recovery. You need to increase your capacity. Like we have two little kids that are needy. You got to be able to handle that. I'll do whatever I can to help to carry that load. I'm going to create space for you to recover. If you go sit on your phone for two hours and wake up the kids, you're not recovering. Right. You're actually draining yourself.

and you're not helping. You're literally operating in your own self-sabotage. And then you come back like, I'm so exhausted, I'm so hard. I gave you a chance and you didn't take it. Well, and you do whatever, you're on your phone right before bed. So it's disrupting your sleep. Right. Or on and on. If you're not deliberately recovering and working on increasing your own capacity, that's a hard conversation that we have to have.

We gotta get more strategic about this. Right, and if for someone who doesn't understand these principles, because I'm thinking about this husband here, and I believe he really does have the best of intentions for his wife, and so his thought is, if they're draining you, if they're touching you out, you've got to put up more boundaries, because he likely doesn't know what else she could do, right, especially if he's gone, he's at work, whatever the scenario is. He's like, you have to protect yourself because you're being drained.

Right. And so it's a young husband, like I've been there, done that, right? You come home, you just want your wife to be loving and open. To be excited when you come home. Excited for you to come home. You want to touch her. Yeah. And you get home and be like, come here, baby. That definitely plays a role, I'm sure. do not touch me untouched out. And his first thought is, because this was mine too, is like, that's it. The kids get less time with you so that I can have more time with you. Exactly. And the kids are getting in the way of me being able to touch you. They get less touching.

And again, without understanding all the psychology of childhood development, and men don't, right? It's like, whatever. Like, well, they just need to be tougher. That's the answer. Toughen You're spoiling those little brats. They're just going to be babies their whole lives if you keep holding them. Just tell them no. That's just this, you know, the man brain reaction to this. It's totally normal. I did the same thing. But once you start studying it, you're like, no, there's more strategy here. Right.

There are things that matter so much. Their attachment to both of us is the absolute most important thing in their life right now. The most important thing. Because it's so transitory. Like it's gonna pass and it's gonna be gone and it's like you miss your chance. The quality of that is gonna affect the rest of their lives. Exactly. So there's nothing more important. So we can't cut that out. So what are we left to do? Become more capable. Be more strategic.

about recovery. And I do love how you brought that up because you know now that you make it make it's complete sense to me because you and I went through it ourselves but yeah that the whole sex aspect is a part of his response because he's thinking man and I can imagine you don't have time for me woman that means put some more boundaries with the kids so we can have time to be together but yeah the kids the kids become the opponents right to husbands.

and that's not a good place for them to be. so... Okay, we gotta point this out though. That puts a lot of pressure on women. It does. Tons of pressure. Hold up, I have to be this mom extraordinaire and a super sexy wife? Yeah. And the answer is? Yep. And so doing Wait, hold on, hold on. The answer is... Because here's the thing, I know for myself as a woman, if I feel like that's something I have

to do, like it's an obligation, it's a requirement, it feels crushing. I don't want that. I don't want that expectation from you, I don't want the expectation from the kids. But if I turn it around and I see it as something like- This is really insightful to masculine and feminine psychology. exactly. If I turn it around and I look at it as more of this vision of what I want to have, like if I see like-

Well, I want to be that woman that's incredible in every way. I want to be that capable person. Do you get what I'm saying? Then you're drawn to it. I'm drawn forward by the vision rather than pushed behind by some requirement or making you do it. I love that. That's so so that makes all the difference. It has to be by the woman. It has to be chosen optionally to be pursued rather than

forced upon her by outward forces. And that's just a, it's a very simple psychological choice that she needs to remind herself of. Because if she doesn't remind herself, there's going to be circumstantial reminders. Your husband's gonna say something, your kids are gonna say something, and then you're sitting there thinking, they just make me, they force me, I hate this, and there's the resistance, the resentment. Yeah, it's gonna be brutal. So a woman,

has to remind herself, you know, this is what I want. I want to be an amazing mom and I want to be a super amazing wife and sexy and attractive and I want to do it all. I get to, I don't have to, get to and the key is optimization. Right, and what that means, what optimization means, so people are like, what does that mean? For me it means

making sure that I, and this is the irony, making sure I prioritize myself.

period. And that seems counter-intuitive. Well, and contradictory, because here we are saying the most important thing is these little kids need attachment to you, and now you're saying, I have to prioritize myself. But the way that I do it is by prioritizing myself. Because as you love to say, you can't draw from an empty well.

You can't give what you don't have. If I don't have that within myself, if I don't have something to give to my children or to my spouse,

I'm literally starting from empty. There's nothing to give. So I can't be what they need. I can't be what you need because I have nothing inside to give. So I have to prioritize myself. I have to have whatever, you know, whatever you want to call it. I hate, I kind of hate self-care because it seems so cliche, but like I have to prioritize that self-care. That's my morning routines. That's my evening routines.

that's getting the best sleep that I can, that's making sure I get a shower, you know? And I know that that is all so difficult when you have a three and a half and a 24 month old. okay, by the time our oldest was four, my fourth child was three months old. So I had four children under the age of four. I know it's very hard. And often those years just literally feel like a blur. Like, did they even happen? I don't even know, right?

So I get what I'm saying is not easy. But... But that's... I want to point It's not easy. It's not easy. It's not easy, but we didn't sign up for easy. You didn't sign up for easy. You sign up for kids. And kids are not easy. Especially if you want great outcomes. yes. Yes. So I think it's worth... No, I think, I know it's worth our while, all of us, to kind of... ⁓

set up a different mindset and literally tell yourself that like I don't want it to be easy. I want it to be effective.

I want it to be awesome. I mean I don't want it to be easy. I want it to be as easy as possible. I I don't want to make it harder for myself than it should be and that's why this is one of the things we're talking about because if we use attachment it actually does make it easier because it reduces the tantrums. It reduces the poor behavior. It makes your children more secure, less clingy. We're going to talk about that in a second.

So it actually makes things easier, even though it's still not easy. That's strategy, that's optimization. You're making it easier, but it's not easy. It's not convenient. Parenting is never convenient.

Parenting is rarely comfortable, but it's amazing. From my perspective, it is the best way to do life. But I'm not sitting there thinking that...

I just get to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I wouldn't even want that if I were a single person. But that's what gets our heads. A good life is that I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want. It's like, no, that's a ridiculous life. That's an underdeveloped narcissistic life. We want to be leaning into the best life. And the best life is going to be challenging,

which is exactly what we want.

It's kind of interesting because as part of my morning routine, I do a meditation and I use this app called Insight and every morning they have a new quote on there, right? And the quote this morning, I don't remember exactly, but it was something about the silence sings, my emptiness is full, blah, blah, I'm like, that's interesting.

I've never done this before, but they have a place where you can respond to these comments and I respond to these quotes and I responded saying, that sounds really lonely, right? I'm like, I don't have silence. My teenager's playing his loud music and my kids are talking and chattering and my husband's whispering in my ear. My life is noise. Now I have moments of silence, like I do my morning meditation, but because my life is filled with noise. Well, family life's noisy.

and craziness, my heart is full. There's a plus in that. We don't have to think that, in order for my life to be happy, I need to be sitting in silence and emptiness and meditative bliss. And my house will be spotless. Right, exactly. And everything will be orderly and still. To me, that's a lonely What kind of false reality is that? It's delusional. And it is lonely and empty. So I think the quote's right.

Your empty life is full of emptiness. It's full of emptiness. Anyways, okay, so ⁓ back to this. So the husband with the best of intentions, he's trying to protect her, which is his job. He's obviously wanting to make sure she has time for him because you're right, the kids can become a bit of a competition with the relationship. But meeting your children's mental and emotional needs, AKA, ⁓

holding them when they want to be held is not going to create bad habits. Now that is something that many parents are afraid of. Like the culture we live in, literally we think that if we hold our kids, we're going to create bad habits. They're going to become dependent on us. But the truth is the opposite. The more we hold them and cuddle them, especially when they are very small, the more secure, the more independent they will become.

So I said, you know, it will do the opposite. It will prevent bad habits and poor behavior. Your kids may feel clingy and needy right now, especially because they feel they're being pushed away by you. So here she is feeling touched out, overwhelmed and thinking, I've got to set some boundaries because I can't handle it or whatever the words are. But as she sets boundaries,

to the kids that feels like being pushed away. my goodness, mom is pushing me away. And here's one of the ironies of parenting. The more you push your kids away, even in inadvertently ways, because I told her, said, you're not doing this intentionally. You're not pushing them away intentionally. You're just trying to protect yourself. They feel it as being pushed away. And the more you push them away, the clingier and needier they will get and the worst behavior they will have.

It's when children That's where the screaming, the yelling, the tantrums, all that comes from. Because they feel these micro moments of abandonment. Exactly. Exactly. That's exactly what it is. They feel this gap of connection between you and, as I said here, it feels terrifying and they're trying to hang on for dear life. That's what children are doing. So when your kids are needy and clingy, that's their way of saying, I feel like our attachment is breaking and it's terrifying because you're all I know in this world.

And if this rope breaks, I will die. ⁓ It literally feels that intense to them. And it feels like you're throwing the rope away. When I need you most, you're telling me I can't come. Exactly. So as hard as this is to hear for all of us, ladies and gentlemen.

We have to be able to do more and handle more. We have to level up.

Because if our children truly need us, and they do, we have to be able to lean in and provide what they need. In my mind, it's non-negotiable. So when we feel ourselves getting to a point of like, ⁓ I can't handle this.

It can be okay to take breaks and it's better to build it into your life to do to take breaks before you need them. Right. Because if you're if you're doing your morning routine, your evening, you're taking breaks, it's built into your life. You're very proactive and preventative in your refilling. Then when your kids come to camp, good. But if we keep neglecting ourselves, we're eating garbage food, remember, food is fuel.

So if I'm eating garbage, processed foods, I'm not sleeping well because I've got terrible eating habits. And you have kids waking up. And you have kids waking up. But see, that's understandable. If little kids wake you up, that's understandable. It's when you're waking yourself up. Or keeping yourself up. And keeping yourself up. You're binge watching stupid movies because you're like, I was with the kids all day. I just need a break. And so you watch movies for three or four hours right before bed and you don't sleep well. And then the kids come in. Yeah.

What do you blame? Self-sabotage. You blame the kids. like, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was not the kids. It was you. You did that. Right. And then you wake up, you run for a coffee or an energy drink and a donut. It's like, there you go again. Well, especially because we've done a lot of coaching sessions and podcasts about food. And that is something that many people don't realize that their blood sugar spikes and crashes are very much affecting

their relationships, it's affecting your interactions, it's affecting your marriage because they did research that, what was it? It was a crazy amount, a crazy percentage of arguments happen when one person or the other is hangry. So right there, the arguments with your spouse, the arguments with your children are happening because you're hangry or crashing from sugar spikes. So much of this impatience with your kids or this inability to meet their needs literally is because you're eating garbage food.

Right. Or you're not eating enough. Or you're eating lots of carbs and so blood sugar is spiking and then you're crashing where if you eat proteins and fats, you're going to have this steadier energy that maintains. saw they did a BBC did the research recently and it was something around 60, 70 % of people's diets in US and UK are processed with. Yeah, which is insane. It's insane.

Especially because now there is a direct link between ultra processed foods and depression. Right. So all kinds of other mental illness. so you're mentally and emotionally less capable. OK, here's the irony. So we're overeating. it's not people are people listening about me like, it's not that I'm not eating enough because I'm eating too much. Right. But we're eating processed foods, we're eating simple carbohydrates. We're living on breads and pastas and rices and

and all this stuff with very little nutritional value. So the very first thing we can all do to increase our capacity is to eat better food.

And then we eat less of it, ironically, because we don't need so much, we don't feel Because we're more nourished. Right, we're more nourished, because food is fuel. So now I feel like, I feel good. I have the capacity, my kids are needy, I got this.

My kids require massive amounts of energy. They want me to play with them and get on the ground with them and take them places and do all the things. I can do it because I'm taking care of myself. Yeah, I don't think that people fully understand how significantly that plays into their life. mean, you and I have been doing this for so long, eating well for so long that it's just a natural part, but there's times when we're traveling or whatever where we're eating more processed foods and it's...

It's surprising to me how quickly I feel less capable, like less energized. I'm like, wow, is this what it's like for normal people living on a normal diet? No wonder they're struggling so much, because this is hard. So it does really play a major role in your life that you may not be aware of if you're not already eating clean. Like it makes a big difference. would say I would add to this with if you're overweight and out of shape.

if you're over fat ⁓ and out of shape, well that's affecting it. Yeah. Right? It's like if I put on my weight vest, I'm just trying to do the regular things I do. Like that's exhausting. It's hard. It's tiring. You have extra fat you're carrying around which disrupts your whole metabolic process and the way you, it even affects your brain. the fatter you get, the more your brain shrinks. And so,

Because it's taking nutrients from what would be usually delivered to the brain and putting it into other parts of the I don't know the exact correlation of science there, but they just found people who obese have smaller brains. People who are drinking alcohol, even just small amounts, have smaller brains. People who are using cannabis in any way have smaller brains. And are you specifically referring to like neural connections or brain mass? No, actual brain matter is smaller when you're obese. So the bigger you get, the smaller your brain gets.

I don't know about you guys, but I want to have my brain capacity as full as I can so I can think clearly and be more capable. can't, you know, Rachel and I have seven children. I can't afford to be overweight and out of shape. No way in the world. We have to keep up with the demands. So my body needs to be in premium condition. I have a premium body, so only premium fuel and good quality sleep.

If I'm unhealthy, I'm already at a disadvantage for the demands and needs of children. So it's much, in this context, it's much more difficult for you to quote unquote, be the adult because you don't have full capacity at your disposal. Right. Right? Like you don't have full access to all the resources you could have.

because you're sabotaging yourself. Exactly. these habits and behaviors. So you're bring it on like half power. Right. So, you know, we talked about how important it is for us to, especially during these young years, but this is also true beyond the age of three. In fact, know, ⁓ Erica Koemiser says that

adolescence extends to the age of 25, essentially. She said children need you most between zero and three and what did she say? Six and 25. Six and 25. Right? Because that's when their brains are still developing and forming it and the prefrontal cortex becomes fully developed at the age of 25. That's when people officially become adults, really. Not 18. But if your children need you...

during those ages and you have to be the adult, you have to have more capacity. You need to be more capable. And your habits are directly impacting that. All the habits you just discussed. So you might be feeling bad right now. You might be feeling overwhelmed. You might be sitting here listening and saying, great.

one more thing I have to do on a I'm already so swamped and overwhelmed and I have to do all this stuff. And I want to point out like we're not we're not adding more to your plate. We're actually giving you power. We're giving you wings to soar. We're helping you optimize your life so it's all easier like we were talking about before. It makes it better. And people tell me like why don't I have time to eat well? I'm like it actually takes less time to eat less. That's pretty simple equation on that one.

and you just make different choices. So you really prioritize fats and proteins versus the simple carbohydrates. So instead of a bag of chips and a soda, you literally just eat the beef patty of a burger. That's it. It's so simple, so boring. Whatever, it's good for you and it's delicious. Well, I'm glad you brought this up because that is something I definitely want to emphasize because

This is a key time in your child's development. And I'm saying this time, that means while they're at home, while they're still a child. Well, I would say from birth to 25. Right. Okay. But that's what I'm saying. This time is a priority time because when they grow up, when they are now adults, your chance to be their parent during these formative years has passed. Like their childhood as an exploration is what I'm saying.

Because of that, we as the adults have to prioritize their childhood. We have to prioritize investing in their growth and development. And the only way we can really do that well to get the results that we want is when we make good choices, when we prioritize our choices, when we're intentional about how we spend our time, how we spend our money, how we spend our energy, and we do it in a way that

does all these things that we talked about, that it makes it easier to be the parent our children need us to be, when it makes it easier for us to be the adult they need us to be. We have to think about it strategically in that way, like no, this is their chance. This is their childhood. I have to be there for them. I have to show up for them. I have to be capable for them. And in order to do that, I have to make...

good choices for myself and for my family. Like that right there is foundational. Now I know we've also, you talked a lot about food and sleep and I know we, people probably get tired of us talking about it because I think you probably bring it up in every single podcast episode. I will never get tired of talking about it. And I'll keep talking about it as long as it's a problem and it's a problem. Right. And I think the reason why we bring it up so much, like I already hinted at, and also comparing it to the...

In the beginning, I said, you know, if you get this strategy, this attachment strategy, it makes all the other techniques and hacks of parenting so much easier to use because you have that attachment with your child. Every other strategy we give is going to work better if you're attached with your child. I think the same is true in some ways of diet and sleep. That's why we talk about it so because when you dial that in,

And in fact, that's one of the very first things you work on with your coaching clients because when they dialed that in, now suddenly they have two, five, 10 times more energy than they had. Everything else is easier. makes it so much easier to do everything else because they have more energy. It's the same with any therapist or psychologist who's worth anything. The very first place they start is with food and sleep. Lifestyle. It's just, that's the answer to... Right.

Okay, let's put it like this. Let's frame it up. It is the first and fundamental answer to every single problem you have. Right. Make sure your food and sleep is dialed in because you'll just perform better. You'll think clearer. You'll have more energy, more vitality. You will be a better person. We all know this. Like how patient can you be when you're really tired and hungry? Right. Not very. Yeah. Right. And so get yourself feeling better.

And that right there immediately makes you a better parent and a better spouse. So if we tie this into a mother of young children, well, yeah, you might have, like I did, a million things you want to do. You want to clean the house and you want to sew a quilt and you want to volunteer and you want to do all of these things. But I'm saying you have to make choices that prioritize your children's childhood. And so...

when it comes right down to it, I am going to focus on the basics and that's it. If I can't fit anything else, that's it. So I'm going to focus on good food. I'm going to focus on getting sleep when I can. And then I'm gonna focus on cuddling with my kids as much as they want and need. Because those right there are the foundational pieces that will make all the difference. And so if during that time my house is a complete disaster, so be it. If I don't leave the house for weeks, okay.

You know, like there's things I'm going to sacrifice that I would otherwise want so that I prioritize this critical phase. Right. One of the biggest problems I see is that ambitious parents want to be involved. Which that was us. Yep, that's definitely us.

They want to be involved in everything. They want to be building a business and writing a book. Well, and helping the neighbors and, you know, on the local choir and on the sports team and supporting seven different nonprofits and, you know, starting their own charity because they feel so good about it and like feeding the neighbors and...

adopting all the stray cats and dogs within 100 miles. Like we just on and on and on. We keep saying yes to all these things. And then your extended family, your aunts and uncles and sisters and cousins and everybody's inviting you here, inviting you there. And you want to say yes to everything. What we're saying, say no to almost everything. So you can say yes. it doesn't add real value to your family, you have to say no.

so that you can say yes to your kids. Because what you're doing, and I gotta drop the hammer here, every time you say yes, even with the best of intentions, even if it's a good thing, you say yes to that, you're saying no to your kids. Exactly. You've gotta stop. And with my coaching clients, man, we keep working on this until they get it. And then they keep doing it, like, oh, I got this invitation. I'm like, say no. I can't. Like, yes, you can. Say no. Turn it down.

And when they do it, it's amazing. Like their clients, their patients, their organizations are with are like, wow, yes, I actually, respect you more for honoring your commitment to your family. And it works out better. So make your family first, like you actually mean it. Because in order to properly, truly bond,

and attach with your children, they need not just quality time, but quantity time. They need you there to fill in all the spaces and all the gaps as much as possible. And we think, well, wow, we have to give up our lives to do that. Well, maybe for a period of time, yes. You decided to have sex, which meant you could get pregnant, which meant you decided to give up your life. You made this bed now, you gotta lay in it.

And I know that that can feel overwhelming, but I guess I'm here to tell you that...

It's fleeting. They grow up. They move out. So fast.

And then your opportunity with them to build these really deep lasting relationships that will last for the rest of your life, like that time's over. And if you missed it and if you blew it because you weren't there and you wanted to protect yourself and you wanted space for you and you, you, you, it was about you.

you've literally missed out on some of the most and best relationships you could have in your life. And if you don't do it well when they're young, as soon as they become teens and young adults, they hate you. Pretty We just heard a story right before we got on this recording. We heard another story. We hear them all the time. All the time about teens and young adults who despise their parents. They literally want nothing to do with them, and they avoid them, and they don't go around. When they get married, they don't come around. They never come to a device. They won't even listen. They have no relationship with them.

And it's all because it wasn't done well when they were young. It's essentially, in psychological terms, a deta- deta- attach- I keep getting that. Attachment disorder. Yep. That's what it is. It's an attachment disorder. If your children- So you have a detached child. Right. If your children will not listen to you, if they hate you, if they despise you, that is because they have a disorder, an attachment disorder, because they did not properly attach with you.

when they were young. Now we could and should, maybe next time, do an entire episode about how to reattach with older children because you missed that window of opportunity and that doesn't mean now you're screwed forever and there's no chance or no hope. There is a way to rebuild those attachments. Yeah and we need to cover that because she said here, now that my oldest is three and a half, it's getting harder for me. I hear this a lot.

It gets harder and harder. It gets harder and it's interesting. if you don't have that attachment. A few moms struggle with the baby stage and they do better when the kids are older. The vast majority of moms really enjoy the baby stages and the little and then really struggle when the kids have opinions and resist. And then especially as they become teenagers. back and do whatever they want and seek independence and autonomy and then...

The mom, with all her best intentions, just tries to control. She's like, this feels out of control. This child's out of control, so I'm gonna control it. And that creates rebellion and resistance and trouble. So yeah, we definitely need to talk about those strategies moving, when the kids come into consciousness and think, well, I'm gonna do what I wanna do. Mom? Yeah, so I wanna finish this paragraph here, and then there was another thing I wanted to talk about, a specific strategy.

Because we talked a lot about the food and the stuff, but there's other specific strategies that help us with building those attachments. And I want to share a couple of those. Obviously, we're going to emphasize them heavily in our parenting course, walking through all of the different strategies. But I did definitely want to share some of those before we close here. OK, so I basically, we were talking about it's terrifying for them when they feel that they're being pushed away. They're trying to hang on for dear life.

the safer and more secure they feel, the less clingy they will be. In fact, I use that as a measuring stick. If I'm wondering how my kids are doing, I'll look at their neediness or their clinginess. That is a clue to me that something's going on and that they're maybe not feeling attached or not getting enough attention or love or time with you. So if your kids are clingy and needy, this is your chance to say, ⁓ they must not feel very attached to me.

What can I do to build that attachment? Initially, going back to reading, this may feel like a lot more neediness from them and attention from you. Especially if you're rebuilding something that's been lost, there's gonna be a huge upfront investment into that. It's gonna feel disproportionately large. Well, it's because you have to fill an empty bucket. you're filling an empty bucket, exactly.

Like if you started this from birth, I mean, it would feel easy. Because if you knew what you're doing, right? And you'd be like, this is easy. I'm just bonding, bonding, bonding. And there's no giant debt that needs to be filled. It's so much easier to maintain a full bucket than to fill an empty one. wherever you're at with each of your children, just visually see the bucket. And you might realize that some of them are empty.

And if you've kind of been operating and you didn't know any of this and now you're learning it, you might have a family full of empty buckets. And you're gonna have to fill them all. And it's a lot of work, but lean in, do it. Yeah, so initially that's gonna require a lot from you. But the more you fill this need, even before the bucket's full, right? As you begin to fill the bucket, they will start to feel more and more certain that you will always be there for them when they need you, so they'll start to have more confidence and more independence.

And that's how it works. mean, our children, because once we began to learn these things and understand this, we began to be very, very, very intentional about making sure their buckets stay full. That is why we essentially eliminated tantrums from our life. That is why we essentially eliminated teenage rebellion from our life. Just to emphasize that, like...

Toddlers with full buckets don't have tantrums.

Teens with full buckets have no need to rebel or to make bad choices. Yeah. So if you keep that bucket full, the attachment there, the relationship, the connection, if it's good, kids from very little, from infants to young adults, they want to do what's right. Yeah. They want to do what's best for them. Right. They literally want what you want.

Exactly. And it's full, it's like, you should do this. And like, well, I'm already doing it. Yeah. Well, that's great. You should keep doing that. I am. I'm going to. OK, don't do that. Like, of course I wouldn't do that. Why would I do that? would ruin my life. ⁓ Why would I touch that? It's so easy. Well, and on top of that, they also have confidence and independence. Like my.

My children now, they are so independent. They basically go about their life without me. They're very self-directed. Doing their studies, doing all of their, like they're doing all of their things on their own while I'm working, I'm doing my stuff, right? But they know, and here's the key, they know that at any time when they need me, they can come to me and I will be there for them. Even my 19 year old. That's the oldest one at home right now. Well ideally that's the case with mom and dad. Yeah.

They know that what you ideal situation, they can come to either one of you at any time and they can get what they need. it's not, so we're not misunderstood, it's not like we all live our little separate lives and we only interact with each other when it's needed. We have many touch points throughout today. Yeah. And we do a lot of things together. We've created our life together because family is the most important thing in our life and it's reflected.

So one of the things I love to do with my coaching clients is this idea of the silent film. If your life were a silent film, if you took away all the stuff you talk about and people could just watch what you do, would observers easily be able to see what's most important to you? Would it be obvious to them that family is most important? Would it be so obvious it would easily hold up in a court?

That's the ultimate test. So do the silent film test with this. Take away what you say, just a silent film, are your kids attached? Do you make it easy for them to attach? Do they have all the quality and quantity to be attached? And in that silent and quantity time. Yeah, quality and quantity time, and connection, and all the stuff you need to do to be attached. And is it obvious?

in your silent film that you're taking care of yourself so that you can take care of your children. It's all there, it's really powerful. Right, and so just as we close, I wanna share a few of these little strategies because again, we need specific things of what to do in the moment, what to do when we're feeling that overwhelm, we're feeling the stress of being touched out, we're feeling the burnout.

For me, one of the most simple things, simple strategies I use all the time, I still use, and this can be used with any age, is that if I'm getting that sense of like, it's building, it's growing, I'm getting anxious, I'm getting angry, I'm getting frustrated, and know, that negative emotion is growing, that is a sign to me of like, okay, I need to just pause, I need to stop.

Because very often for me, I'm getting that when I'm thinking about, I want to do this and I want to do that and I can't because they're doing, you know, it's like stop all of that. Forget thinking about all the things on your to-do list. Forget trying to get it done. Forget the schedule. You just pause and you take a moment and I will even tell the kids, let's sit on the couch, let's cuddle. And we all just stop and we all just...

take a second or however long it takes to be in each other's presence, to breathe, to kiss, to hug, to love, to express love. That right there is so simple for like regulating everyone's emotions. So they're freaking out and they're getting upset. If you just take that moment to be with them, to hold them, to love them, it's amazing how quickly it just calms them. I know when I was a young mom, I often felt like,

When my children are acting out, I am not going to reward them with my love. I'm not going to hug them. I'm not going to kiss them. I'm not going to tell them I love them because they don't deserve it right now. They're misbehaving. That is the wrong approach. That is the worst thing I could do. And it's the exact opposite of what I should do. Now I take that opportunity when my children are misbehaving and the ideal is to get... ⁓

to prevent it, to preempt it by taking action beforehand, because you also don't want to train your children to misbehave so they get your love, right? That's not good either. If the only time you give them your love is when they're acting out, well then that's what they're going to do. Kids are smart. But if you are trying to be proactive about giving love throughout the day, but then they're misbehaving,

To me, that is now a sign, because I've laid the foundation, like, they're needing more love and attention. It's symptom of needs. It's a symptom, exactly. Let me take a moment here to give them my love and attention so that they can feel regulated, they can feel calm, they can feel assured that I'm here for them, everything else I've got going on in my life, I'm here for them when they need me. I'll gladly say no and stop whatever I'm doing for you because you're the most important people in my life.

Now, I know many people are saying, well, that's just not realistic. That's not possible because I have to go to work and they have to go to school and we have to go to this and this and this. To me, I'm like, you know what? Our family life was so important to us, we designed an entire life.

style, lifestyle that supports family life. So that at any time, almost throughout the day, now if one of our kids walked in right now while we were recording, we would be like, wait, we're almost done. And then we'll meet your need, right? So it's not like they are the tyrants. It is not like that at all. They're not the tyrants in the home and everything they want at any time is what I give them. I'm not talking about that. But what I am talking about is they know we are there for them.

Because we are there for them. We've literally designed our life to be there for them. So if you don't have the time and space in your life to be there for your kids, it may be one of those inconvenient truths of like, maybe you need to redesign your life. 100%. I would say that for sure. You gotta say no to more things. If your life's just crazy and chaos with all kinds of going here and going there and never there's no time for your kids? Like, say no.

Just change. Because otherwise you are literally setting yourself up and your children up for future disaster. You're laying the framework for problems. Your strategy is so significant because moms especially, but dads too, they'll think, I can't go calm down because the kids are crazy. They will know you can calm down with them. Exactly. I just need to go meditate. Hey guys, I'm going to do a meditation. Come join me. Yeah.

⁓ Let's do some yoga together. Let's just go out and sit in the sun silently and close our eyes and watch. Just pay attention to how the sun makes you feel as you just sit still. Hey, let's go outside real quick. We're just gonna sit in the back lawn and I want you to be so silent. I want you to hear the smallest sound possible. And what you're doing is you're bringing back all the stillness and getting the recovery you need. And you're actually teaching them to do the same thing.

And so all of sudden all of you are like, this is so chill. This is amazing. And then they'll hop in, they'll want to wrestle and scream and yell and throw things and be crazy. But you're like, you're good because we just you can join in with them. You can do it together. It doesn't have to be like, why are you the problem child and disturbing our peace? It's like, let's have fun. Let's have fun together. Let's make our children. Make a mess with them. Yeah. Jump on the trampoline and go crazy. exactly. Play with them. I'm sitting here smiling as you're describing all this because...

Women are so cute. They're so busy and so desirous to have everything just perfect and just right and worrying about every little thing and getting agitated about it. are easily agitated. And it's like all the stuff and things, it builds up and it builds up and it's agitation. And as an outside observer, you're just like, oh, that's so cute. And then you start to see it's like kids feed off your agitation. do.

So you're feeling agitated about 10,000 things you need to do because you want to be super mom. And they're getting all, they don't know why. They don't know that you're thinking about all the important things you're gonna do. They're just like, they just feel the energy change. Right, because they imitate and exaggerate. Without the regulation. Without understanding, why? They don't even know, they couldn't articulate it. They don't know and you don't know. You're like, why are they being crazy? Because you're radiating.

all this anxiety or frustration or stress. worked up, stressed energy, overwhelmed. You're you're agitated and it's radiating so the kids pick up on it. Like, I don't know what this is. And now they're fighting each other, throwing things, they're crying, they're melting down. And then all of you together are just like, it's just this meltdown, it's a dumpster fire. And a lot of it is just because you're so agitated. Yeah. So the simplest things, like take some deep breaths, do it with your kids.

Like, hey kids, come here. We're gonna do a little breathing exercise. Some big deep breaths, calm things. Like, let's just, let's think of something we're all super grateful for. Let's just feel gratitude for a Well, and it's interesting, cause I remember as you're talking through this, I remember many, many, many, many times throughout my motherhood years when the kids were small. So many times when I...

I was sitting on the couch, cuddling with them, thinking of all the things I wanted to do and having to remind myself that this was the most important thing I could be doing right now. That yeah, I wanna go work on my book, I wanna paint that room, I wanna decorate, I wanna do all the things because I'm very driven, I'm very ambitious, I wanna go. But being there for my kids when they wanted and needed me, that was always the most important thing I could do.

And it paid off. I don't regret that, right? Because now with the relationships I have with all of my children, I don't regret it. It was worth the investment because it's going to pay off for a lifetime. Yeah, so women, you women who are like Rachel, and men like me, you just have this drive for productivity to get things done. You're...

It's a strength. It's an awesome strength. Your weakness in that is you have to train yourself to be able to sit still and quote, do nothing while you just sit with your kids. Cuddle, talk, read a book, just be there with them. And your mind's freaking out like, gotta be productive. This isn't productive. Yes, it is. It's massively productive in their wellbeing and your relationship. And that...

matters most. All right. Love it, you guys. This is good stuff. We will continue next time with that later phase of childhood and life and how to really invest as the kids are growing. Love you guys. Reach upward.