July 1, 2025

Science Shows: Your Kids Are NOT Adults at 18!!! How to Parent and Prepare ‘Emerging Adults ages 18-25'

The player is loading ...

Are you wondering why your 18-year-old still acts like a teenager? Science confirms it—they’re not fully adults yet. So how do you parent emerging adults ages 18–25 with wisdom, influence, and connection?

In this powerful episode, we share the essential mindset and parenting strategies you need to guide your teens and young adults through their most formative and vulnerable years.

We dive into why your role as a parent doesn’t stop at 18—and why your influence matters even more during this critical “emerging adulthood” phase.

Learn why respect must be earned (not assumed), why leveling up as a parent is non-negotiable, and how to stay connected while still holding high standards. We also unpack the difference between rigid rules and principled living, why exposure to the real world is crucial (not dangerous), and how to foster real-world readiness through honest conversation and example—not fear, shame, or control.

Whether your child is making choices that don't align with your values, or just pulling away, this episode will equip you with the tools to respond with love, leadership, and lasting impact.

This is your next level of parenting—and it’s never too late to start.

🔑 Key Takeaways

✅ Science shows the brain isn’t fully developed until 25-27

✅ Influence must be earned—respect is not automatic

✅ Model the standards you want to see in your kids

✅ Don’t parent with rigidity—teach principles with flexibility

✅ Exposure is safer than naivety—prepare your kids for real life

✅ Keep growing if you want your kids to keep listening

📍 Chapters

00:00 Navigating Parenting Beyond 18

03:25 Understanding Adulthood and Brain Development

05:54 The Role of Family Structure in Adulthood

09:15 Reframing Independence and Support

11:46 Mentorship and Guidance in Emerging Adulthood

14:49 Building Generational Wealth and Legacy

17:22 Open Conversations About Relationships

20:31 Researching and Discussing Complex Topics

23:44 Navigating Modern Relationships and Challenges

28:37 The Role of Parenting in Adulthood

31:25 Earning Respect Through Personal Growth

34:32 Navigating Adult Choices and Responsibilities

37:27 Teaching Principles Over Rules

40:40 The Importance of Open Communication

43:28 Exposure to Life's Realities

46:38 Flexibility in Parenting Standards

49:39 Next Level Parenting for Young Adults

🗣 Memorable Quotes

🗣 “Respect is earned—not automatic—especially with your adult kids.”

🗣 “If you’re not leveling up, you’re leveling off.”

🗣 “Don’t protect your kids from the world—prepare them for it.”

🗣 “We parent with principles, not with rigidity.”

🗣 “Your influence only lasts as long as your example does.”

RESOURCES:

Let us help you in your extraordinary family life journey.

Free 6 Step Guide: How We Raised 7 Well-Adjusted Kids - Without Yelling, Tantrums, Punishments or Power Struggles (+ get THE CHECKLIST: Things We Do Every Day to Raise Well-Adjusted Kids)
Rachel’s ⁠⁠Must-Read Booklist for Well-Read Moms⁠⁠
Greg's ⁠⁠Recommended Reading List for Parents & Youth⁠⁠
Follow us on Instagram: ⁠@worldschoolfamily⁠ or ⁠@greg.denning⁠
Get Rachel's ⁠⁠Family Systems & Charts⁠⁠
Join the Do More With Less Stress Workshop Series for busy moms
Become a Founding Member of our Extraordinary Parent Mentoring Method

JOIN GREG'S 90-DAY HEALTH & FITNESS CHALLENGE!
Join the Formidable Family Man Masterclass and Tribe
Gather with us at the ⁠World School Family (Beach & Farm) Resort⁠ in Portugal
Read our reviews here: https://podcast.extraordinaryfamilylife.com/reviews/

0:00

We're trying to put this ideal out there of reframing what family life looks like.

You're into your 30s before you're really feeling solid incompetence.

No, your child is not an adult at the age of 18.

Our kids be unbelievably capable at 18, yes.

0:18

Dangerous to have those hard and fast rules about, oh, 18 or 25.

It's Ron.

It's erroneous.

Hey there.

This is Greg Denning.

We want to reach as many people as possible and help as many families as possible with these conversations and we want to keep this podcast ad free forever.

0:36

You can help us do that by subscribing on Spotify or Apple podcasts or wherever you listen your favorite platform and on YouTube and leave a quick review and and share your favorite episodes with friends and family.

It makes a big difference.

Thank you for being a part of this very important movement.

0:52

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast where your host, Greg and Rachel Denning, as always here to give you some awesome sauce, tools and strategies to help you build your own unique, extraordinary family life.

We got an awesome question via Instagram from a wonderful lady who's been following us for a long time and has tweens, teens, and then now young adult children, one of whom is married.

1:16

And a really awesome question about, OK, what about this phase of parenting?

What's my role?

Do I have a role?

And this comes up a lot with people who I mean that that's where we're at.

So our oldest is about to turn 23 and she's married.

And then we have 2120 and 18 and then the three youngers she like, OK, I, I've heard people say, you know, once they turn 18, you're done being their parent.

1:41

Well.

That was actually something I really wanted to talk about that I want to make sure that we address and cover this idea that I used to believe in.

We both did.

And we used to preach, teach, live by.

Is that when your kids turn 18, they're adults.

And I, I want to talk about some of the myths around that because I don't believe that anymore, nor do I explain why.

2:04

Yeah.

It's way off.

That is a, that's a very kind of modern and mostly predominantly US and Western kind of thinking.

And it's, it's wrong, it's erroneous and there's myths around it.

And, and I, I get where it came from because I was there.

I was like, you know, you need to be tough and independent and at 18, you're an adult now and you should move out.

2:25

And like, where did that come from?

And when you look into where that came from and why and the results, you're like, that's kind of a failed experiment.

It's not working out so well now.

Should we teach autonomy, 100% responsibility, ownership?

2:42

Absolutely.

Should our kids be unbelievably capable at 18?

Yes, Dearly yes.

Does that mean they should be moving out?

And doing their own thing.

And no longer receiving advice or guidance for mom and dad because now they're they're, they're an adult.

3:00

Or even help like like we want to help our kids start businesses and help them earn a world class education and help them start their life so that their chances of success are even better.

Now are we enabling them?

No way.

Are we, you know, letting them live for free in our in the basement?

3:20

Nope, not at all.

But 100% I'm not going to help my kids start their businesses and get their education and launch their lives.

Yes, yes, yes.

And I, I want to talk more detail in more detail about that and explain some of the reasons behind it.

3:36

But first, let's get to the question and talk through that and and how this came up.

Yeah.

So basically the idea, but and I let's let's step back in this framework here.

You guys hear this talk talk about this a lot.

The brain is fully developed around 25.

3:52

In fact, I heard somebody I really respect say 26 recently.

But I heard Erika Komizer saying that for males, For men.

Yes, it's later.

It's.

More like 27 is when the prefrontal cortex is fully developed.

Now that's the part of the brain that deals with decision making, self-awareness.

4:11

Well, that's, that's enough right there.

That's enough.

Decision making is fully developed.

OK, let's keep helping at least until that moment.

So for all intents and purposes.

I want to add to this too because I found this very fascinating.

I'm currently pursuing my bachelor's in psychology and in my psychology class, I think it's Eric Erickson who said that he considers young adult.

4:36

Young adulthood are the ages between 20 and 40 he considered to be young adulthood.

Which, OK, makes sense in the in the phases of life, that makes sense exactly because at 40 is when you're really making your big contributions and stuff and.

4:54

Really gaining that deepened clarity and wisdom about life.

So I I.

Thought that very fascinating that.

He put that that framework, that age gap is, is so large.

Like that's a big age gap for me that he considers young adulthood now.

5:13

There was someone else.

That makes sense.

I mean, just to expound on that a little bit, like if, if you're pursuing advanced education and and like training, you're, you're starting your business, you're going into a field that requires massive amounts of education.

5:31

You're, you're coming out in your late 20s, early 30s and then then you're just getting in to get your reps in and get, get enough experience and kind of get your feet back on the ground and get familiar.

So yeah, you're, you're into your 30s before you're really feeling solid incompetence.

5:51

That makes a lot of sense.

There was another psychologist that in the 20 tens just recently developed this this concept of the emerging adulthood.

So it's not even young adulthood yet, it's emerging adulthood.

And he considers that at least between the ages of 18 and 25.

6:12

And so that fits into what we were just talking about with like the prefrontal cortex of essentially what we're saying is, no, your child is not an adult at the age of 18.

That is, there's no magic number about that except for whatever reason in America and Western cultures, they decided that 18.

6:32

Probably for war.

Could, yeah, You could now be legally able to do certain things.

And that's where this idea of you're an adult at 18 became a thing.

But if you look at the brain and the development, that's just not true.

6:47

You're not fully developed.

You're not.

You're still an emerging adult at that point.

Absolutely.

So we're we're not advocating, just to be clear, we're not advocating this extended teen childhood and let the kids do whatever and, you know, be little.

7:05

Yeah, exactly.

Be little, little parasites that mooch off their parents.

We're not talking about that at all.

What we are saying.

And I think this is a really great firm.

I, I think for all parents, it would be an extremely important framework to say, you know what full adulthood, let's say, starts at 25.

Well.

7:22

And in reality, it's going to vary for each child depending on their own maturity levels, their own developmental schedule.

In a way, it's dangerous to have those hard and fast rules about, oh, 18 or 25 because it really depends on the child.

7:42

And so it, it has to be what we want to get into today.

The question we want to answer, which is specifically about parenting adult, quote UN quote, adult children over the age of 18 is like, how do we do this?

How do we navigate it?

How do we continue or should we continue to have this parent relationship with our child because now they're an adult.

8:05

And what we're saying here is having come from that belief growing up that, yeah, at an ATM, I'm an adult, I can move out now.

I can make my own decisions.

I can do what I want because I'm an adult.

I I did that.

And then also believing that with our older daughter, like we told her, 18, like you got to be responsible now take out, She moved out, she got a job.

8:26

I wouldn't do that now because my, my having studied more psychology and understanding more about this, I'm like, oh, well, no, that's not entirely true.

And that's an arbitrary number.

It's independent for each child and it depends on their own development.

But this emerging period of adulthood is variable.

8:46

It's flexible, it's longer.

And we should be involved in our children's lives.

So we should be guiding, helping, influencing them, not in this controlling, manipulative, like I'm still in charge of you sort of way because that's not what we believe in or advocate.

9:02

But we do want to help kind of switch the narrative around on this because I really believe powerfully in this that it's not how it's supposed to be.

Like society is currently operating in a way that's dysfunctional and not for the best interests of our children and for us as parents.

9:21

Just look around at the results, right.

Do you want to say hey, does this experiment work look around at at all these young adults is it working No, it's not.

And and you might think well, no, they, they have apartments and jobs and they're doing great things and we're kind of measuring the wrong things yeah.

9:37

How are relationships?

How's?

Their mental and emotional health.

Yes, exactly.

Their decision making ability and we again, we're measuring their own things like well, they're they're paying their bills and they have a job and they're kind of it's like, OK, it's not some great accomplishment.

9:54

Like let's look at the whole being and say how can we help them be even even more successful?

So we are not advocating like Rachel pointed out, this idea of being over involved.

There should be or.

10:10

Overly controlling or.

Yeah, there should be this kind of.

I don't want to say it's a gap, It's just growing autonomy.

There shouldn't be a gap between you and your child.

The bond between parent, child could and I would say should grow even closer and closer.

As your children become adults, you become more good friends with them.

10:31

It's really awesome.

And the relationship continues to blossom and grow and improve, not grow distant.

Where if if, if you've had a rough relationship, then when they the more they grow up, the more distant you get until you spend hardly any time with them for the rest of your life.

10:48

It's like once or twice a year you get together and everybody fights still.

Well, and that that's often what happens in this current SIOP that's occurring in society where we believe, oh, at 18, that's when I get my independence.

11:04

So children that don't have a close relationship with their parents, which, yeah, when I turned 18 was the case.

That's what we want to do.

We want to leave.

We want to go.

We want to set up our own life.

You know, that can be a good thing for a lot of people.

We're not discounting that that has a place because some people come from, not that this was my case.

11:23

Some people come from traumatic, horrible, bad situations and families.

Or even just toxic and toxic.

Health.

And so leaving that is one of the best things they could do.

That's great that that's a good thing.

But I guess what we're, again, because we work in ideals, we're trying to put this ideal out there of reframing what family life looks like.

11:47

And I've truly come to believe through studying and research and, and, you know, psychology, all of these varying aspects that the ideal family situation is not.

And this is another strange thing.

It's not the nuclear family.

12:02

In fact, the nuclear family is a newer concept.

It occurred at the beginning of, I'm going to define it second, it occurred at the beginning of the industrial age and then especially as we moved into more of these work based societies.

12:19

Previous to that we were communal family based societies, which meant that we were living in an extended family situation.

Lot more connection to grandma and grandpa, aunt and uncles, cousins, all that.

Yeah.

So the nuclear family, of course, parent, child, but living in this isolated sort of state in a way.

12:40

Expected to do.

Expected to do it all, expected to be it all.

And then when the child turns 18, well, now they have to move out.

One of the reasons for that is economic because the parents are like, I have been supporting these children for all this time.

12:56

It's time for them to support themselves, right?

Because as a nuclear family, it's difficult to carry that burden alone.

But if you live in this intergenerational family and this, again, just to be clear, I hope you guys know this, but we probably need to state it more often than not.

13:11

These are not just our opinions.

And in fact, I am very.

I'm not confident enough to just share my opinions.

I have to think about something.

I have to research something.

I have to really analyze it for a long time before I'm like, you know what?

Yeah, that is true.

And that's worth sharing.

13:27

So when I'm sharing these things, it's from that place.

I have been thinking and studying this for a very long time.

The intergenerational families provides more support so that not only is the nuclear family, you know, the the mom and dad not doing it all alone, they have the support of the grandparents and the aunts and uncles and the cousins.

13:48

There's people there supporting but then there's no pressure on the child to leave home at 18 and go start their own life separate from the family because.

They're.

Poor, which does OK, that's another aspect that we don't even have to get into, but that's a whole another aspect of it.

14:06

It prevents intergenerational wealth.

It prevents, you know, passing on the family skills, the family business and that, you know, I'm not saying we have to go back to the Middle Ages here or the Dark Ages or something.

And like you, your son apprentices to become a blacksmith.

14:24

But you know, there were some concepts.

There's I think especially in aristocratic families of like your children didn't move out.

They took over the estate.

They took over what you had already worked on creating and then added to it.

14:40

Now there were obviously problems with that as well because it created entitlement and created, you know, there's other issues.

I'm not saying there there aren't issues, but I think that we have to really re evaluate the ideas that we've been given of like adulthood starts at 18.

14:58

That means you leave the family, you go start your own separate family, and everybody lives independently and separately from each other.

It's not working, it's financially.

Perpetuating survival mode.

So you go in, you do survival mode, and it's like, wow, that's what I had to do.

15:13

And you're like, wait a minute, I was in survival mode.

And in some ways we still are.

And everybody's in survival mode.

Like what if, what if we restructured this?

What if we support each other so that instead of going out immediately, being in survival mode.

And I get it because you're like, yeah, it makes you tough and gritty and appreciate things, all true.

15:31

But then it keeps you stuck for years or decades.

It's like, wait a minute, why don't we frame this so we create generational wealth like real?

Legacies, not just financially, generational wealth, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually, parent, parenting wise.

15:48

I mean, I truly believe that one of the best things I could do is help my children parent their children because I just spent 20 plus years learning it and becoming great at it.

Why would I not then want to be involved in that process for them so they don't have to learn it all on their own?

16:06

Not not like the over involved grandma who's controlling, but the mentor.

But available when necessary or desired.

For mentoring, for guiding, for coaching.

Like I'm there, I'm there is a resource rather than so mom's, you know, living her own life and I'm living mine and I just have to figure it out and.

16:27

Figure it out.

So now my kids suffer, you know, you know, suffers the most is always the oldest children.

They're like the Guinea pigs.

But that can be prevented if.

It's me.

If we, as, as you know, figure out how to be really great parents and then we have a close relationship with our oldest children and as they have their kids.

16:44

Hey, Frankie, help us out with this.

Gladly.

Absolutely.

Here's what we wish we'd done differently.

Yeah, here's what we learned later.

Try that and that you can prevent a world of problems and suffering in an unnecessary mistakes.

17:00

Yes, it's.

So powerful.

And again, I I want to be so clear, we don't want to be misunderstood here.

We're not talking about being the helicopter parents, being overly extra controllingly involved.

We're talking about the ideal where we have incredible relationships of mutual respect with our now children who are emerging into adulthood.

17:26

That's what we're talking about.

So you lay that foundation where they want to listen to you, they want to ask your advice, they want to received guidance from you.

And so that then continues into their emerging adulthood as they get married.

17:42

You know, our daughter who was married, she very much sought out our opinion and our guidance on who she was marrying and if we believed he was a good choice, if we approved and we did right, which helped helped her feel comfortable in moving forward with the relationship.

And then as they have children, that they come to us with guidance about the process, not as though we have all the answers like that we are the source of all knowledge, but that we are there as a resource for them to discuss ideas, to think through, to practice decision making, to be able to offer, you know, different alternatives or potential scenarios that could pop up.

18:22

Which which we've gained, and this is because you can hear some people would be like, wait a minute, I don't want to create this little echo chamber cult and like only listen to us like the way Rachel and I've set up our lives.

We've been reading voraciously between us thousands of books and across cultures and time and space.

18:43

So we're bringing in all the best stuff and then we're sharing that with our kids, getting them to read hundreds of books and.

Encouraging them to disagree with us and encouraging them to bring up different ideas and be like.

Great.

Let's talk through that.

Let's.

18:59

Figure it out.

Let's analyze that.

Let's see if that is a good idea.

And sometimes we're like, yeah, that is, that's a great idea.

We should all adopt that.

And sometimes it's like, wow, even this thing that we came up with before, it's not true anymore.

Let's throw that out, right?

19:14

So it's this ever involving process of of bringing in and and getting rid of the ideas that don't work.

So it's a refining process we all work on together.

Here's a cool visual that I was thinking of with this, like maybe this applies to finances, but it applies to other ways as well.

19:31

And so you can see how that framework is.

So let's say you're looking at investments and, and you know you're further along in life than your young adult children are.

And so they can't take on a big investment.

They're just not there yet.

And so you maybe do an investment or investment project and say, hey, son or daughter, do you want to participate in this?

19:51

You can, you can bring what capital you do have.

You can bring in sweat equity.

I'm going to mentor you.

I'm going to coach you.

I'm going to share the lessons when I absolutely and utterly failed when I was your age.

So don't do that.

So that's what I wish I'd had when I was a young adult making investing decisions, business decision.

20:10

I'd have a mentor.

I had nobody telling me, hey, don't do this.

Do do that.

Nothing.

And so I made all these mistakes that that people before me had already made, but nobody told me like don't do that.

I've already done it.

It doesn't work.

But now I get to do that for my kids.

And so they get to buy in as smaller percentages.

20:27

I'm not giving them a handout.

They don't get a free ride.

I'm like, oh, I'll just make this investment for you and you can just live off the money for the rest of your life that's ruining your kids.

Like you can buy in or earn your way in and let's do something together.

And so right from the get go, your child can be learning these lessons right alongside you, being taught and mentored and guided and and growing.

20:49

So by the time our kids get to our age, they're going to be way farther ahead and they'll be able to do that again with their children and their children's children.

Yeah.

And I think that that's a really good point that you brought up because in no way are we presenting this idea of where we did all the work already.

21:07

So you can just now live off the fruits of our efforts.

Like here's your trust fund.

You know, everything's covered.

We'll just give you the answers.

That's not what we're talking about.

I love how you put this into a mentoring type relationship of like, let me guide you through this process.

21:22

Let me help you understand the mistakes I already made so you don't have to make them.

And now you're standing on my shoulder, so to say, so that you have an advantage to be even that much further ahead.

This even was brought to my awareness just the other day.

21:38

My 20 year old son had just finished another book or reading a whole series, a list of classic books kind of as a family.

And he'd finished one of the books on the series.

And I had remembered that when I, I read that book in either high school or early college, and I remember the time being very confused by it.

21:59

I didn't understand what was going on.

I, I didn't grasp the concept of what was trying to be taught.

And he actually loved this book and thought this, this was a great book.

Like I loved the principles.

It was amazing.

And to me, it was one of those moments of, like, he is standing on my shoulders in a way because I didn't have that foundation.

22:20

And now here he is at 20 and able to, you know, grasp this because of all of the dozens and dozens and dozens of classic books he's already read.

All the discussions we've had and all the principals are teaching him how to understand it.

So when he grabs it for the first time, he's like, oh, yeah, this is great.

22:38

I was with you.

I'm like, what?

What in the world is this about?

I don't even know what's going on exactly.

Where am I?

And he, he loved it because previous to this, he's already read Anacrinina and Crime and Punishment and, you know, the House of Mirth and all these other books.

And so he was, it was The Great Gatsby that he just finished.

22:55

And he was like, yeah, this was great.

This was a good one.

And so that's kind of the idea.

I think if we could summarize it, it's like, let's take everything we've gained, everything we've learned and continue to pass that on and not stop that process because, well, now our child's 18 and they're an adult right now.

23:14

You move out.

You no longer need our influence.

You no longer need our gradients.

You don't need the wisdom that we've gained.

Go start your own life and you're on your own.

Figure it out.

Right.

So there's obviously a scale of implementation how this can be done and being done very poorly trying to force it and they just resent it and and when they're older and and they can move out or have more autonomy and you try to force it, you don't have a good relationship, you're not very tactful and you try to push it on you're.

23:43

Not you're not an adult now you have to stay here.

Like that's not going to work.

You have an underdeveloped brain.

You have to do what I say though, like I'm out and I'm never listening to you again.

So that just kills it.

And there's a whole scale all the way up to where they're coming to you regularly and saying, look, yeah, I am 18/19/2025.

24:01

And what do you think about this and help me navigate this?

I have some questions.

And even in the question that we received, the, the married children are coming back for advice about sex, which is excellent because that's often a topic that people aren't talking about and they're struggling with.

Hopefully they're coming back and talking about finances and they're talking about arguments and, and they're, they're having that over discussion or, or if they're single and they're just like, Hey, I'm making choices and I'm being exposed to new things.

24:27

And, and let's talk about society's doing this and people are doing that and we will separate.

I just want to say like they can come back with every scenario.

Like, well, this is what they're saying in my university classes, or this is what they're saying at work, or they're presenting these business opportunities.

It sounds too good to be true.

24:43

What about this investment?

I was told this is the best investment ever.

Or hey, these people seem great.

And I'm like, yeah, let's look, let's get to second level thinking and third level thinking and, and hopefully have that relationship with them so you can guide them through all the infinite scenarios they're going to face as young adults.

25:02

Yeah, so one of the questions that she had specifically asked about was her older daughter who's married coming with questions for sex and the.

And this mother was asking us like, well, how much do I get involved in that?

Like how, how much do I answer those questions?

25:18

And at least for me, I believe that as much as she wants to ask, be willing to give, to discuss, to share, Not that you, again, necessarily have all the answers because many of us don't, especially if we haven't, you know, maybe you're not an expert on sex, you haven't read a lot of books about it or what not.

25:37

But as long as she's willing to ask for your advice and guidance, it's a perfect opportunity to do some research on your own.

Because this is what I do.

I do the research and then I share what I've discovered, like, oh, I found this book, you should try reading it.

25:55

Or I discovered this thing, you know?

And so it's kind of like here I am a source, I'm a resource for you.

I'm here to help you.

Come to me please and I will help do the research to help you find the.

Answers and and present it like, well, here's a perspective yeah, here's something that has worked for me.

26:12

Boy, here's something that didn't work for us.

And I talked to other people and I I heard from several other people that this worked for them and this didn't.

So that's something to consider.

Now again, if you live in this tiny little bubble and you're you know, you don't have much experience, you haven't read much of anything you'd be like, well, here's the way it is and that's that.

26:31

And you know, here's these very narrow perspective is that it's not very helpful.

But even then, you know, the open minded perspectives that are so open minded the brain falls out like that's not helpful either because you look around what's the end result of that?

26:47

And so, yeah, do the homework, have the conversation and see it maybe as that.

It's like, let's just talk about it.

Let's kind of circle you and I will walk around the labyrinth together and see all the aspects of sex and what's interesting, some people think this and other people think the opposite and.

27:03

And what about?

This and most importantly, what are the results that those people are achieving?

If people think this, well, what are they?

What are they getting out of that?

People believe in open marriage, you know, oh, what's the result of that?

Oh, you can see, you can even read it in this old literature, but you can also see it in real life.

27:21

And then on the other side, oh, people that believe these things, what kind of outcomes do they have?

What kind of results do they have?

And so you're helping them through that, that learning and observation process of being able to see that, yeah, there are consequences, there's results that are achieved by taking different courses of action.

27:39

Perfect example of that as I recently had a cognitive neuroscientist on the The Formidable Family Man podcast and we talked about the effects of porn and masturbation, specifically porn and and just not not right or wrong, whatever, just the effect of porn on the brain like.

27:57

Brain Scan Science.

Yeah, and dopamine levels.

And so, you know, somebody might come and say, well, a lot of people are saying, you know, porn's a good thing to have in your marriage.

Your porn's OK, it's not harmful.

And then you look at her data that that episode was absolutely fantastic.

28:13

And everything she's doing in her program, her book, everything is like, no, that's just not the case.

The dopamine levels and the dopamine destruction, I would call it.

It's happening in your brain.

Like, sorry, there's no way around this is this is an opinion.

This isn't right or wrong.

28:28

It's like what that does on the dopamine levels, like, yeah, this is going to wreck your marriage.

Yeah.

Besides wrecking your brain.

Yeah, well, that's why it wrecks the marriage, because it wrecks the brain.

So essentially I just, I do want to say, yeah, should we continue parenting our our newlywed children?

28:47

I think 100%.

Especially if they're under the age of 27 or 25.

And more particularly if you have some valuable life experience and advice for them.

Now, if your marriage sucks and you haven't set a very good example, then maybe what you can say is like, hey, pretty obvious.

29:07

You notice that didn't work out so well, so don't do what I did, right?

That's maybe some of the advice you can give there.

But if you have a fantastic marriage and you're like, hey, this is what works.

I just want to add here because I feel that this is an under utilized parenting strategy that I actually believe is very, very powerful.

29:26

And that's simply admitting your mistakes.

When you admit your mistakes to your children, it like endears you to them.

Like they want to listen to you more.

29:41

They want they have more respect for you.

Because I feel like, and I, I speak from experience because I, I was this type of mom of like, I don't want to admit when I'm wrong.

I don't want to admit when I made a mistake.

Like everything I've done is justified because of you and how you push my buttons, right?

29:59

Like, you should just be so grateful at how nice I have been, right?

But that doesn't work when we're willing to admit I made mistakes.

I was wrong.

I'm not perfect.

Like, oh, I'm.

Sorry, yeah, we don't need to say I'm not perfect.

30:16

I almost want to move that, remove that whole idea from our vocabulary.

We use it all the time.

Nobody's nobody expects perfection.

Nobody is perfect.

So like, let's, let's stop using that as an excuse and acknowledge, acknowledge when you make mistakes and then change if you keep making the same mistake and then go to your kids.

30:34

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that.

And they're like, well, you're full of crap because you're not really sorry and you're not changing.

So you're just a hypocrite and you're, I can't trust anything you say.

I I.

It definitely has more power if you only use it a few times for the certain thing and then progress on and you actually change that thing.

30:51

And that's very powerful too, because that is how you model for your children, how to develop these qualities that you want them to have because they've seen you develop those qualities.

But when you use that, because you could just go ahead and like decide, oh, I'm never going to do that again and change.

31:08

And that's good too.

But in some ways it's even more powerful if you acknowledge and share that journey at at an appropriate level with your child of like, hey, I'm sorry, I messed up.

I'm going to do better.

And then you actually do better, and then you tell them how you did better.

31:25

That's how they learn how to then use that in their own mind.

Yeah.

So this is the perfect time to talk about earning the ability to parent older children.

I think probably the most important thing that I can share about parenting teens and young adults is that a parent has to continue leveling up because once your child enters a teen and young adult phase, they're being exposed to life.

31:56

They're seeing more families, more people, more scenarios, more situation.

They're, they're being exposed to it through books and media and podcasts and introductions.

They're being, you know, they're meeting friends and then going home and, and hearing their life experiences and going into their homes and seeing what's going on.

32:12

They're they're seeing it all and by.

Default, because that's just human nature.

They're comparing you to them to all the.

Things that are being expelled, that's where I was going to go.

So now, now they're just naturally like, OK, wait a minute.

I'm now I have this bigger broader framework where, where to place my parents, Where do I place them?

32:32

And if if we as parents have leveled off, because we all have one choice like you can level up or you can level off.

If we have leveled off, then our teens and young adults look at us like.

Well, especially over time, you know, I mean, at first they might realize like, yeah, my parents are great, they've done great things and all of that's true.

32:52

But if that doesn't change, if over the course of their now emerging adulthood, you're still in the same place they begin.

And, and this is difficult to talk about because it it seems so harsh, could they begin to lose respect for you because you're not continuing this path of progression and growth your.

33:16

Results aren't respectable, right?

In many ways, if we can just be totally frank, you aren't respectable.

Which is so painful and so harsh even just saying that.

And yet it's something we have to be honest about with ourselves and we have to be honest with you as the audience, as one of the realities of how parents do lose respect and the right to share guidance with their children.

33:47

Like respect is earned.

And unfortunately, it's not like you love to say it's not automatic with our children.

It's not going to just, they are not just going to have automatic respect for us because we are their parents.

We have to earn that respect, and we almost have to earn it every single day of our lives.

34:04

Well, and you have to earn it more when they become more adults.

Exactly.

When as they become more capable and competent, you have to become even more capable and competent to continue earning that respect.

Now, of course, there's probably diminishing returns on that at some point as we get older or whatever, I don't know.

34:22

But the the idea is that we shouldn't.

Yeah.

I think ideally we could continue that in, you know, almost indefinitely.

At some point, you know my boys are going to be much stronger than I am.

That day is not today.

34:38

Some point where they cross over, they're not going to now lose respect because now I'm tough, right?

So we go workout and now they can lift more than me.

I'm like, OK, so now they don't lose respect, but they're like, wow, they're watching me still stay fit and still push hard and still grow.

34:53

And have that respect by not saying, well now my boys are stronger than me so I'm not going to workout anymore.

Right.

I'm still going and I'm still, you know, keeping up and, and as I age, they're like.

Pushing your own limits, right?

And they're.

Watching me age like this is how you age with grace.

Exactly.

And they're watching me gain wisdom and experience rather than becoming bitter and.

35:13

Angry and.

Grumpy, honestly, the grumpy old man, they're like, no, watch how he does everything he does now look at him as a grandpa.

Now look at him as a great grandpa.

Look how he's handling these phases of life.

That's where you keep earning respect.

But if I'm just humdrum doing my thing, the same old, same old, and now they're becoming ambitious, driven young adults and they look at you're like your life is born and your results are weak and I don't respect you and so I'm not going to come to you.

35:43

Because very often you're not respecting yourself, like as the parent, because that's ultimately what we're talking about.

And I hope people don't misunderstand what we're talking about pursuing goals and leveling up and all that.

It's it's self respect.

35:58

It's not because you've got something to prove.

It's not because you, you know, you have to achieve the next level.

It's not about that.

It's, it's about the nature of life.

Life is a, is a series of growth.

It's progress, It's the journey.

36:14

And as long as we're living, we should be pursuing that journey of progress.

I was just listening to an episode about this with Jordan Peterson and I think Doctor Brooks, like he's talking about that's how humans find meaning, not by achieving, not by reaching the goal, but by making progress towards the goal.

36:31

And the only way you can continue to do that is to continually have new goals that you're pursuing.

So that's what it's about.

It's the self respect of like, yeah, there's no end to what I could continue working on or, or or could continue improving on.

There is no end to that.

36:47

And so as a matter of self respect, which then gains the respect of your children, you're like, no, I'm I'm not going to stop.

I'm going to keep going.

I'm going to keep pushing my next level not to.

And because this should never be done in a way that burnout or overwhelm.

37:05

Or neglect your.

Family or neglects your family.

This gets misapplied.

I hear this a lot where that's not what we're talking.

Daddy's like I'm going to earn their respect by making millions and millions and he's never around and maybe all they need.

It was for him to continually being a better dad, continually being a better husband, continually spending more time with them or taking them on adventures or going on hikes with them.

37:29

Like it's those types of things where you're like, yeah, let's level up.

Let's do better at that.

Let's do better at spending time on the things that really matter.

Yeah.

So I guess the most important framework here is working harder on yourself than you do on anything else.

That's the framework, right?

So we don't want to, we don't want to miss apply this and we don't want to miss it.

37:45

But it has to be stated emphatically that if you're not learning influence with them, they're not going to listen to you.

And so you lose your power and efficacy and your ability to continue parenting your your young adult children.

Yeah.

So, well, and I wanted to address because she had one other issue that she she was questioning us about this mother with a child who's now I guess maybe 2021 and who, you know, saying things like, well, now I'm an adult so I can swear if I want, or now I'm an adult.

38:20

We don't know if this happening, but maybe because he is, he does have a friend that's drinking and smoking.

Now I'm an adult, I can drink and smoke now.

I can listen to whatever, I can watch whatever, I can do whatever because now I'm quote an adult.

And so on one side, I want to say, because some of her wording was like, you know, I feel like I'm a failure.

38:40

I didn't raise my kids this way.

And I want to put out there like, just because your children do something that maybe goes against something you believe in doesn't necessarily mean you are a failure.

It may just mean you failed to teach that principal well enough, right?

38:58

And again, not if your child swears or drinks, you're not necessarily a failure at being a mother.

You just haven't taught, at least to you.

Why not swearing is so important or why not drinking alcohol is so important?

39:14

And it's just to me, I think of it like, well, if I realize that I never taught well, not that I would ever teach this.

If you never taught our kids how to change a tire, because I don't change a tire, then you would at that point realize I never taught the skill.

39:30

I'm especially if I have the relationship still now I'm going to take the opportunity to teach this skill.

I'm going to teach this thing that apparently I missed teaching.

And so I love how this fits into that framework.

Because if we continue to build and develop that ongoing relationship with our children of influence and we continue to earn their respect, then if they do things, then we say, oh, I guess I didn't do well enough on that lesson.

39:57

Let's.

Let's sit down.

Let's.

Have that lesson.

Yeah, and so we can, we can do it by sharing podcasts and sharing, reading and discussing books and sharing videos is anything you're coming across and this, this love of lifelong learning.

So they're reading, they're learning, they're watching things and we're discussing it in a family chat or when we get together, just constantly covering these things.

40:17

I, I, I really want to emphasize here that one of the most important things we have to teach our kids that there's no, there's no black and white of like, oh, now I'm a certain age or I'm an adult, so I get to do XYZ.

Like that's just the dumbest idea ever.

That somehow you're like, OK, now that I'm a certain age, I can just drink alcohol.

40:35

So, you know, when you look at the brain, when you look at the brain.

Research because of the approach that we take to it of it's not necessarily moral or not moral.

It's is it healthy for me or is it not healthy for me?

And that's the point you come from, because for us drinking alcohol, it's not a matter of religion, it's not a matter of morality.

40:57

It's definitely connected to those things for many people.

But it's also comes down to here's the brain science.

Here's what it here's what the brain on alcohol looks like.

Here's what a brain without alcohol looks like.

It's clearly healthier and that's why for at least our family, that's why we choose to not consume alcohol because it's just not good for.

41:18

The brain.

And so you're teaching the kids that and you show them those things you talk about and it's like there's no amount of alcohol that's good for the brain.

It just ruins your brain and it weakens your control.

And so you teach those principles, teach them effectively.

Then none of our kids are going to be like now.

41:34

I've reached an age where I can do things that damage my brain.

Like.

No, there is no age where that's OK and oh, I can do things that are, you know, destructive to to character, to life.

It's like, what does age have to do with that?

41:50

Nothing.

There's no number where you just think.

Now I'm at a point where I can destroy my relationships, yay, or I can wreck my mindset or my well-being.

It's like, no, we teach these things effectively and, and, and lead and guide our kids.

42:06

So then they grow up thinking, well, man, I, I know lots of people who drink and those who don't.

I know lots of people who do drugs and those who don't.

I know lots of people foul mouths and consume terrible things and those don't.

And, and across the board, there's, there's good and bad in between them.

But what kind of person do I want to be?

And it's independent of age, Yeah.

42:23

So I'm going to live by principles and by standards.

And I think I also want to emphasize that this is something, again, we're when we do this, we're teaching the principal, we're teaching the understanding that we've gained.

And it's not about shame.

It's not about getting you to conform to a certain way.

42:39

It's not about like we don't do this because that's bad.

It's teaching that, well, yeah, people who do those things, they're not bad people.

People that drink aren't bad people.

People that swear aren't bad people.

We're not afraid to expose ourselves to people that drink or swear.

42:56

You know, someone just brought over.

We live here in Portugal, and we had this family come over to play with our kids, and it was amazing.

And they brought popsicles.

And for the adults, they brought the tequila popsicles.

And that's the one I got.

I got the tequila popsicle, right?

43:12

And I was like, OK, great.

Like I didn't have a problem with that because I don't see as morally wrong Now.

I also believe that the juice in the popsicle is not great for me either.

Probably more harmful than the Yeah, potentially.

Tequila harmful than the tiny bit of tequila that was in there.

43:28

But I live by a principle where for me, at least 80% of the time I'm not consuming any of that stuff.

I'm not consuming juice because it raises your blood sugar, glucose levels.

It's just not overall good for your body.

I don't eat popsicles generally, but you know, I had this exception.

43:45

So we're we're living in this flexible environment while most of the time holding this higher standard, right?

Same thing.

We took our family to Mongolia and they serve, they take you in the UR and they give you this fermented mare's milk, which is disgusting.

44:02

And everyone drinks it and it's like, because it's rude to, you know, not drink.

It and to them it's like the best thing.

Fermented mare's milk, right?

And then they give you the fermented mare's cheese, which is also disgusting and you're trying to gag it down by saying thank.

You.

44:17

It's amazing.

And then yeah, you love it.

And then they give you the cheese water and you're like, OK, what is that?

It's.

Horrible.

It's horrible.

And then you find out, oh, it's basically basically vodka that they've made from their fermented mayor's milk, right?

All of the kids drink it like all of us.

And for us, we're like, great.

44:34

It's a cultural experience, right?

It's just part of the whole thing.

We're not shaming our kids or shaming ourselves like we're bad.

We're horrible people because we drank that cheese, vodka, water.

It's all a part of it.

But at the same time, we're still teaching our children, yeah, we're not going to actively be consuming alcohol.

44:54

We're not going to actively be pursuing these things that weaken our control or damage our body while at this.

I'm trying to provide the balance here so people don't think we're just totally hard line prude, you know, none of that.

45:09

There's flexibility with all of this while still holding the high standard.

Is that making sense?

Yeah, I think you're describing it maybe a little more flexible and open than it is.

We live, we live by crazy high standards, but it's not naive rigidity.

45:30

We're not teaching.

It is this is it.

And if you have some coffee flavored ice cream, you're going to hell or, you know, whatever.

Like we meet people all the time that just have these super, super rigid, sometimes arbitrary rules and laws and you're like, what?

45:51

What does that have to do with anything?

Nothing.

But we live by crazy high standards and we're not naive.

And we teach these principles and our kids, like, I don't have to worry about it.

I don't have to worry about my boys looking at porn at all.

46:06

I don't have to worry about any of my kids ever touching drugs or alcohol.

I I don't even like.

It never crossed my mind.

Like, oh man, I wonder if they will.

They won't, because they live by the principles and they know it fully and understand it and they see it across the board.

46:21

Well, and I, and I love that how you're, you are clarifying that because again, it's not this rigid because you're like, yeah, I'm not worried about my kids seeing, looking at porn, but we're also not worried about going to the beach down here and seeing all the nude people, right?

Like there's that flexibility there that allows for both things without this rigidity of like, now you have sinned, Now you are, you know, going to hell or whatever.

46:48

Like now you're condemned.

You should feel shame because you saw a naked woman at the beach.

That's I guess that's what I am trying to expand on here is that we allow for that flexibility when it occurs.

The vodka in Mongolia or the tequila popsicle, but still teaching why we live at this standard.

47:07

We watch the movies with the swearing, but we don't swear.

It's that type of yin Yang balance that I think allows for the rules to be kept because they know that if they made a mistake or even our girls, they went to the Dominican Republic and I don't know, they had some coffee or some alcohol or something.

47:27

And at a Chocolate Factory.

Yeah, they, they know that we're, they're not going to be shamed for that because it was part of a cultural experience or something.

Well, yeah, and, and I guess one of our core frameworks here is not only are we not afraid to expose our kids to what's in the world, we actually want to encourage that.

47:51

You know, we we were in Carnival in Austria and Carnival in Venice and like the the riotous living and the partying and.

And you took our.

Voice And I was like let's let's go out in the middle of it Like let's go down in that big tent they set up the music was so loud it was rattling my.

48:15

Organs by accident rented an apartment, right?

Overlooking the whole party, I mean, the, the well, the nudity, the drunken nudity and urinating openly over the, the alcohol, the drugs, everything.

And I was like, boys, let's just go walk through that.

48:33

I want you to see up close what this looks like.

And we're not going down there and condemning the people and like this is vile sin and evil and damnation and whatever.

It's like, I just want you to see the results for yourself up close.

48:50

And they're down there and and you know, it's not like my voice, if we go down there, they might think it's fun and want to be like, it's like, no, let's go see it.

And they go down there and there's like, why?

I never, ever want to experience that.

I never want to be so drunk.

I'm standing there naked in the middle of St. urinating on myself.

49:09

Just see it up close and, and see the realities of life, the the terrible things that are happening in the world and, and just be well-rounded and absolutely rock solid.

Because if our kids are weak and unexposed and we think we've made them strong and protected them by keeping them from it, they're not strong.

49:30

They're just naive.

They're naive and they're weak and they're unexposed.

And that's what happens.

We, we protect, protect, protect and hide.

And like, I'm never going there, never going to do that.

And as soon as they're exposed to it, bam, there they go.

It's like, well, I thought they were so strong.

It's like, no, they were just untested.

49:46

You know, I'm not taking my little kids and giving them alcohol and saying don't ever try this kid.

Like it's duh.

And but there have been times because, you know, we've traveled a lot.

I remember specifically when our oldest daughter, she was probably 14 or 15 maybe, and we were in an Airbnb and they had alcohol on it and she wanted to know what it tasted like.

50:09

I gave her a drink because to me, the best place for her to experiment with tasting that is right there with me.

And of course she thought it was disgusting and didn't want anything to do with that.

But that's the kind of thing I'm talking about.

It's it's not this rigidity of like no, don't taste that never.

50:27

Same thing happened with my our 20 year now 20 year old son.

This was probably a couple years ago.

Our my aunt and uncle, they drank wine.

They offered him a taste.

He took a taste because he he knows that experimenting.

He come up and tell me he's like this, like ruins the whole meal.

50:45

It is horrible.

Exactly.

He knows that that is not the same as and I think he understands because we've taught the principal that that's way different than rebelling against your parents and going out and drinking in secret.

51:02

This is a way better scenario.

My aunt and uncle offered it.

I took some and I told you about it.

Great, thank you.

That's that's fantastic.

That is the way it should be, as opposed to believing.

And he came home immediately.

He told me.

And so I didn't.

51:17

No shame, no overreaction.

I was like, yeah, it's so disgusting and it's a terrible experience.

And he's like, yeah, that was the I I tasted it.

Sorry to all the wine drinkers out there.

Yeah.

I think it's horrible, I really do.

51:33

And I know, I know I have lots of friends.

They just love it.

They think it's fantastic, great meal.

They go on the and every time we go to a restaurant experience in.

Europe, they're like what?

How do You're not having any wine?

You're not drinking?

Oh, that's so nasty.

But again, and the and the core principle is it's even wine.

51:50

It's not good for your brain.

So I'm not going to drink because it's not good for my brain.

Period.

And so I hope we're illustrating and expounding on this principle enough is that the ultimately this is a relationship.

So say with your son who's now swearing and you, you have a personal belief like we do, because again, it's not that you're a bad person if you swear.

52:11

We personally have a belief that your language advertises who you are.

It advertises your level of thinking, your level of communication, and.

Level of education, Level of class.

We have an effort.

We make an effort to articulate our words and to use more specific vocabulary and to not have to use swearing to fill in the blanks, you know?

52:35

And so that's what we live by.

For emphasis.

Because what we're saying isn't thoughtful enough, right?

Yeah, that's often the case.

It's like, no, you have to swear or yell to make a point.

You're like, why don't you just figure out how to make a really good idea?

52:53

So solid, articulate, so like, it speaks for itself.

It's such a powerful truth.

You know I don't have to throw an F bomb here to get you to pay attention.

And again, this is not our judgement on other people who do that thing.

Like that is their thing.

And, and, and we will listen to those types of people even we're not condemning them either.

53:12

We're just saying this is our personal standard.

This is the thing that we teach our children.

Even though we still listen to movies, that's where or we may listen to songs, that's where we can separate it out without having that rigidity that's like, you're bad if you listen to that music, right.

53:29

And so I.

Think this is it's important to point out here too, we're not talking about younger children.

Today's Today's episode is about the older ones, especially if they come into.

Emerging Adulthood.

I'm going to have different perspectives about the little ones.

The little ones don't get the exposure and they get it.

53:47

It's very filtered and tempered.

But like to pretend that you can keep your older kids, your teens and young adults from ever seeing anything wrong or bad or hearing it or or being exposed to it.

That is utterly naive and foolish and it will backfire.

54:06

I've seen it backfire so many times.

So you can't go out and live life without being exposed to some of the, the filth of life.

And so in this context, for this conversation, let's not practice naivety.

54:23

Now, we're not leading our kids into trouble at all.

Don't don't misunderstand me here.

And we think, oh, our kids need exposure and you take them out and like, we're going to go smoke weed together.

And then your kid ends up with a weed addiction and then like is living under the over past 10 years from now as a meth addict, you're like, you're like.

54:42

That happened to your brother.

That literally happened to my brother.

Give that example.

He, he went to a party, got addicted and then went on for years and, and it destroyed his life and then ended up taking his life.

So the reality's there.

And so I'm going to openly tell that story.

54:57

I'm not going to hide it from my kids.

I'm going to see it, but I'm not going to go do drugs with them.

Yeah, but in a scenario come bringing it back to the swearing thing, you know, if you have that standard and you now realize your son's like, I'm an adult, I can swear it's great.

55:16

This is now an opportunity for you to have this conversation.

You don't have to condemn them.

You don't have to feel that you've you're a failure forever.

It's like, oh, it's an opportunity.

I can deepen my relationship.

I could explain why I don't swear.

I could share some quotes from George Washington if I want.

55:32

Like there's a lot of different things or an option.

OK, well, that's going to be him, I guess.

He'll swear.

And you still have that love.

You still have that.

My point is you don't then cut them off or or treat them differently.

Because.

55:47

They're not living up to your standards or they're bad, right?

That's not what we're saying.

That's not why we're that's not what we're trying to say here is that if your kids don't live up to your standards that now they're, they're the failure child that you should cut off.

It's like this is an opportunity to still continue that relationship.

56:07

And if it's important to you to teach that principle, if that's something that you want them to understand, ultimately it will still be their choice.

But I believe if you teach it effectively and then they're like, yeah, I get that that.

And it has nothing to do with my age, right?

And it's like they can do.

56:22

With my age and for me, I'm like, wait, hold on, did you just say that?

Because like you can swear as a child or a teen or as an old man, like whatever, like, and.

And your swearing doesn't affect me.

It affects you and it affects the people that hear you.

Yeah, you're just walking.

You're a walking, talking billboard.

56:38

And you go around using that language like other people are going to make assumptions about you and.

And they're going to say, OK, those are the symptoms that often line up with the person.

So if that's the kind of person you want to be, it has nothing to do with your age.

That's his, that's his ignorance right there.

56:54

So it's just who you want to be.

If that's the kind of person you want to be.

OK, think about it, really, truly think about it and, and go out and study the lives of great men and women.

And not, not just one aspect like, oh, that guy swears and he's really, really rich.

So it's OK.

57:11

Like, well, look at his marriage, look at his relationship with his kids.

Look at look around in class.

He's a real gentleman.

Or is he actually?

He's quite the trash bag, that one.

And yeah, he's super rich, but he's a trash bag and.

And I don't want people to misunderstand us here too, because we realize there are lots of people out there that swear, in fact, and they're not bad people and they're not trash bags.

57:32

One of the one of the people that I respect immensely was just swearing up a storm last night with me and my daughter.

And, and we were just sitting there and I was like, you know, from her background or her life experience.

And she was just just to do what to do.

57:49

And, and I still, I respect her immensely.

She is an incredible human being.

And yeah, she was just throwing them down yesterday.

And sometimes it is a cultural thing too as well.

Yeah, she's from a different place in a different culture.

Yeah.

And So what all we're trying to say is we're using this example of swearing is that if you have a standard like for us is swearing, you need to be able to communicate that effectively enough to your children that they also opt in.

58:22

Otherwise you just have to let it go.

Like it has to be a thing that you're like, OK, that's their choice.

Unless you can communicate to them why you choose that standard enough that they adopt it, you just.

Have so that they make it theirs, not yours.

They make it their own.

58:38

Theirs.

Otherwise you just have to respect their choice because it doesn't make them a bad person or someone you now shouldn't associate with.

It just means they have chosen a different standard.

Yeah, so in, in a very real way, this is next level parenting, right?

58:54

Because they're older, they have more exposure, more experience, they have more freedom, more freedom, more attitude, more independence.

Like that's just biological independence.

They just want to be independent and and very often they just want to just have distance from you.

That's normal.

59:10

But if you are leveling up, like you've got to get really, really good at communicating, at mentoring, articulating and earning respect and earning influence, you have to keep leveling up.

And again, you know, if if you got a 20 year old, you have had 20 years to work on this.

59:29

So you should be 20 years better as a parent, 20 years better as a communicator, 20 years better and mentoring your kids, 20 years of deposits into that relationship bank account I think should be really good.

And if they're not there, like just start working on it.

59:47

Really start working on it like that.

Chinese proverb The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.

The next best time is now.

Right now Yep.

And so start working on that and, and earning that ability to parent older children, young adult children because.

1:00:04

It's more challenging, but you're more experienced and more knowledgeable hopefully and and you get after it right.

I guess where we fail, so some of you younger parents are listening here, where we fail is sometimes instead of having years of experience, we have the same experience year after year.