April 23, 2025
#309 'Bad' Behavior is a Symptom of THIS Problem -- Fixing the Parent/Child Connection (ages 3-25) Fixes the Behavior
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In this episode, we reveal how emotional connection — not more discipline — is the key to transforming your child’s behavior. Whether you’re parenting a tantrum-prone toddler or a moody teen, rebuilding emotional safety and connection can change everything. We share practical strategies to repair attachment, avoid connection-sabotaging habits, and recognize when your child is really asking for love. When emotional connection becomes the foundation, trust, cooperation, and closeness naturally follow.
Are you struggling with constant meltdowns, defiance, rebellion, or other 'bad' behavior from your child—whether they’re 3 or 23?
Do you feel disconnected from them and like they won't listen, share, confide, or trust you?
Here’s the truth: “bad” behavior is almost never the real issue.
It’s a signal—a symptom of something deeper going on beneath the surface… usually a broken or weakened emotional connection with you, their parent.
In this episode, we dive into the root cause of most behavioral challenges—and it’s not what most parents think.
Whether you’re dealing with a sassy teen, a withdrawn preteen or tween, or a tantrum-prone toddler, the answer isn’t more discipline. It’s more connection.
We unpack what emotional disconnection looks like in everyday parenting—and how to rebuild the bond in ways that transform your child’s behavior from the inside out.
You’ll learn practical ways to:
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Rebuild emotional safety, even after years of strain
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Avoid the common parenting habits that sabotage connection
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Create small, intentional moments that build trust and attachment
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Recognize when your child is asking for love — through misbehavior —without creating bad habits
The tools we share can help you reconnect with your child at any age and create a family culture where trust, closeness, and cooperation naturally flourish.
💥 Want to go deeper? Learn how to become a better parent from the inside out with our new Extraordinary Parent Mentoring Method. 👉 For a LIMITED TIME join here as a Founding Member with LIFETIME Access
Behavior is communication, and connection is the cure.
Key Takeaways:
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Family work is the most important work.
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Good parenting comes down to good connections with your children.
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There is a direct connection between early attachment and later behavior.
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Neuroplasticity allows us to change and recreate our relationships.
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Presence and emotional attunement are critical in parenting.
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Engaging in activities together strengthens bonds with children.
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Physical affection is essential for emotional health and regulation.
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Co-regulation before correction is necessary in effective parenting.
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Building strong relationships prevents behavioral issues in children.
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Investing in relationships leads to a happier family life
Chapters
00:00 Reflections on Family Legacy and Connection
02:20 The Importance of Family Work
04:16 Understanding Attachment in Parenting
07:31 Neuroplasticity and Rebuilding Connections
09:20 Creating Bonds with Children
12:14 Long-Term Parenting Strategies
14:10 The Role of Dads in Parenting
17:21 Identifying Attachment Disorders
20:18 Strategies for Rebuilding Connections
23:26 The Power of Presence in Parenting
28:34 Engaging with Children Effectively
30:26 Practical Tips for Connection
33:12 The Importance of Physical Affection
40:07 The Importance of Touch and Co-Regulation
43:30 Emotionally Attuned Parenting
48:07 Navigating the Balance of Support and Independence
54:32 Rebuilding Attachment and Connection
59:21 Engaging in Shared Activities for Bonding
01:08:51 The Role of Parents as Emotional Anchors
01:16:00 Creating a Life of Connection and Fulfillment
RESOURCES:
👉 For a Limited Time, become a Founding Member with Lifetime Access to our complete Extraordinary Parent Mentoring Method online parenting course.
Let us help you in your extraordinary family life journey.
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0:00
Family work is the most important work.
We need to be creating bonds with our children.
0:05
Ultimately, good parenting comes down to good connections with your kids.
If you do a great job, your kids want your presence.
0:15
Success is in the details.
We we can't miss this one.
0:20
This is this is massive.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast, where your host, Greg and
0:27
Rachel Denning, as always, bringing you the goods to create your unique extraordinary family life.
I've been thinking about that a lot.
0:37
We spent marvelous Easter weekend in Sevilla at an old Hacienda with the owner.
There's a man, he's 80, comes from a very prestigious Spanish family and Sevilla for many
0:53
generations and and Rachel.
I-15 children and his family.
0:57
His family there was, there was 15 or 16 kids.
It was amazing.
1:02
And, and we had a really good conversation and he was just talking about life and, and the history
of that area.
1:09
But it was just so fun to to talk to an 80 year old man and, and really talk through as he was just
telling his story.
1:16
I was just talking about family legacy.
It was so cool.
1:18
And then to be there with our friends and to go experience the the Easter, the Samana, Santa, the
Holy Week, celebrations and traditions and.
1:28
Processions and.
Just to be there is like man, this is this is so awesome that we get to to be in Sevilla, Spain for
1:36
Holy Week as a family was friends that are they're here for several weeks, man.
I'm just hearing their stories and connecting with them and it's awesome.
1:47
So I love it.
And so it makes me, it just makes me so grateful for the extraordinary life that we've created.
1:52
Well.
And it's representative or a reminder of the importance of the work that we do in our own family.
2:04
I mean, I think that, you know, when we ever we talked to someone like that or when we connect with
all the other families we interact with, it just reminds me that family work is the most important
2:15
work.
And whether we're hearing positive stories or negative stories, you know, good outcomes or bad
2:22
outcomes, it, it's a constant reminder.
They're, they're all a reminder, like the most important work you can do is within your family.
2:30
And of course, that's why we're here and that's why we're having this conversation.
And that's why we're having this conversation we're having today, which is going to be so important,
2:38
so critical for rebuilding broken bonds in your relationships.
Because ultimately good parenting comes down to good connections with your kids, good bonds, good
2:52
attachment.
That is the foundation of great and extraordinary parenting.
2:57
And so it's so critical, so important.
And so we want to dive in today on how to do that because last week we talked about it was
3:09
specifically related, I would say, to younger children.
We did an episode about tantrums about clingy, needy children, about how to respond to them, how to
3:21
help them without forming quote UN quote bad behaviors or bad habits.
Especially like from birth up into when they're, you know, 3 or 4, like really getting that
3:32
attachment with Mama first and then with dad and then with siblings, like really getting that dialed
in when they're little.
3:40
And for many of us, it's like, OK, now we're past that, now what?
And.
3:45
That's especially if because we didn't know better.
We didn't do a great job during those critical ages, and we talked a lot about that.
3:56
I mean, even if you don't have younger children, I would still recommend going back and listening to
that episode because it's going to be insightful into why you currently have the parenting problems
4:07
you have.
Like if you currently have a disconnected relationship with your child, regardless of the age, if
4:13
you currently have behavior issues, if you currently have things that are just you don't know how to
resolve them, that episode will give you insight into how and why attaching with your child during
4:25
those young phases is so critically important.
In fact, we talked about it and we've talked about this even with our own one-on-one coaching
4:34
clients.
There's a direct connection with the way you responded to your child as a baby when they were crying
4:41
and how they now act.
So that's.
4:44
That's where I used to be very skeptical.
And I also listen, you're so skeptical.
4:48
Like, come on, they don't remember that and it's true.
They don't.
4:52
And you think, oh, OK, so I did.
I did something unique when they're babies and you're telling me This is why they act this way as
4:58
teens?
And that's a resounding yes.
5:01
Yeah, there is a direct connection.
We've seen it in our own parenting and we've seen it with the clients we worked in where they would
5:07
describe a behavior that's happening and then we would say, well, let's, and not necessarily in the
same session, but then later it'd be like, well, let's go back.
5:14
Let's think about when they were young.
What was it like?
5:18
How did you respond to them?
What did you do with them while they were babies or toddlers?
5:23
And amazingly, these things would come up and you're like, oh.
There it is.
5:27
Wow, that sounds just like what's happening now.
The way they're responding now sounds like how they would respond if during that phase you were too
5:36
busy or too, too much was going on to respond to them.
So they learned to cry until they got louder and laughed.
5:42
Like, you know, there's these patterns that are reoccurring.
So what happens is it creates a mental scaffolding and so yes, they don't remember it.
5:51
I would.
Even say it's not just even mental, it's almost biological.
5:55
It's like built into their.
Cells at a cellular level, yeah.
5:59
And, and in their nervous system.
So every, everything's built in there.
6:03
And so it's, it's the hard wiring, it's the scaffolding, it's everything.
And so and it's all subconscious.
6:09
The neural connections and.
So they're not, they're not sitting there remembering.
6:13
Well, you know, so they're they're 13 and saying, yeah, when I was 3, this happened.
And so I'm going to do this.
6:18
It's not, it's not cognitive.
And and to be clear, we're not saying something that happens one time and then, you know, it sets
6:26
them on this trick trajectory.
It's the habitual, it's a pattern repeated things.
6:32
So if you repeatedly didn't respond to your child while they were crying as a baby, well, that forms
neural connections and Physiology in their body that unless it is healed or fixed, it carries with
6:48
them into all the way into the adulthood.
So even, I mean, this is relevant even for us as adults that this may be the way we act, the way we
6:57
do with our spouse or whatever.
It goes back to our parent, you know, how we were parented.
7:02
And so it's, it's very significant, it's very important.
It's, it's so insightful when we understand it.
7:08
So that's why I would recommend listening to that episode because it's going to give you some
insights into, oh wow, that's why my child does what they do, because when they are a baby, this is
7:17
what was going on and that need was never filled.
The good news is, ladies and gentlemen, that we all enjoy neuroplasticity, meaning we can change it,
7:30
we can recreate it, we can rewrite it.
I had to do it.
7:32
You had to do it.
Most of us will have to do some rewriting, some rewiring, some reprogramming, some healing, and some
7:41
healing and processing.
But it has to come to our awareness first and then we have to make the corrections and adjustments
7:49
and say, OK, this is what I'm doing.
I don't know why.
7:52
Maybe it's from my childhood.
And, and I want to point out like, we don't have to go back there.
7:56
We don't have to spend hours and hours and hours on a couch talking about what might have happened
to us when we were infants.
8:01
Like we don't need to do that.
Used to be like, oh, well, interestingly, I don't know why I'm doing this, but I'm, I'm very
8:06
reactive to that thing.
Let's process that because I'm a full grown adult now and I can think like it at all.
8:12
I can reprogram.
I don't have to react that way because I can think of this situation.
8:17
I can look at my loving wife and say, OK, she's not trying to hurt me.
She's trying to help me.
8:21
I don't need to react to her.
I can choose to be a man and I can respond to what she's doing as a man.
8:28
And so I don't have to keep doing what I've been doing even though that was my old programming.
I can rewrite the programs I got to.
8:36
Let me share a quick message.
I interviewed it's just awesome gentleman on my podcast.
8:41
And a couple weeks afterwards, he he sent me this reel that he saw on Instagram from Erica Kumaiser.
She said, Hey, don't sleep train your kids.
8:50
That is not good.
It is is messing with attachments.
8:54
And he's like, bro, is this, is this true?
What do you think about this?
8:57
And he's like, I sleep train my boys.
And he's like, I meant they seem to be OK, but this is true.
9:02
I'm like, yeah, it's totally true.
And she's spot on with that.
9:06
The good news is we can still make those attachments, still re reprogram with our kids as they're
growing up.
9:15
And in fact, I would say it's zero to forever that we need to be creating bonds with our children.
From age 0 to.
9:25
Yeah, I don't, I don't, can't think of a time.
I'm like, you know, I'm done bonding with my kids now they can just break the bond.
9:32
Like, no, I'm going to keep investing in our relationship.
I'm going to keep making deposits.
9:37
I'm going to keep that connection.
And obviously it changes.
9:42
It has to change.
It has to evolve, it has to grow, it has to mature, but I'm going to keep creating those bonds with
9:48
my children.
And so that's what this episode is going to be primarily about because as we said in the last one,
9:53
we were going to continue this conversation, but more specifically about how do we rebuild those
broken attachments?
10:00
How do we bridge the gap?
Like how do we actually create those bonds that are missing if because we didn't know better?
10:10
And and that's usually why it happens.
It's not it's not because parents hate their children.
10:15
It's not because they want to ruin their lives.
We just don't know any better because for one, we were raised in a certain, you know, we were raised
10:24
that way or we did the opposite of how we were raised.
And so by default we're doing things that are not.
10:30
Or we're just trying to figure it out, like, yeah.
We're just trying to figure it out in your.
10:33
Early 20s.
You're like, well, I think we should do this.
10:36
Yeah, let's just think about it.
Let's do that.
10:38
Like, no research, no background.
We haven't raised 7 kids on the first one.
10:43
You're just like, well, let's go with this.
And then you hear all kinds of absurdities.
10:47
Read these books, even.
I mean, there's entire books out there that present this idea that sounds good, and yet it just
10:56
doesn't work if you want to raise really healthy, well adjusted, confident, capable kids because the
entire foundation of that way of being is built on attachment with between parent and child.
11:15
Now we're going to use lots of different words here.
We're going to use attachment, bonding, connection, emotional bank accounts, filling the bucket,
11:21
whatever.
It doesn't matter.
11:23
It's all the same thing.
That is the foundation of a strong, healthy human being and there are certain parenting strategies
11:29
that build that and there are certain parents strategies that ruin that.
And that's where and and how you can tell is if you have behavior issues.
11:38
Well, and this is.
If you have any misbehavior or issues with your children, that means essentially you have a
11:45
attachment disorder.
And, and I'm always, I'm always skeptical of, of parenting ideas on social media, even parenting
11:55
books and, you know, famous parenting experts I see all the time like, oh man, that doesn't work.
And, and the problem is, is it works temporarily.
12:06
It you get it's symptom advantage, you get a result.
And so the parents are like, well, look, do this.
12:11
This is what I do with my kids.
I do this, this and it works.
12:14
I'm like, yeah, it temporarily, but you're straightening deck chairs on the Titanic is what you're
doing.
12:20
So you're like, oh, that works now.
But what you're what you don't realize is happening is that in five years, 10 years from now, you
12:27
won't have any relationship with your kids or they're going to make choices, just wreck their lives.
It's getting the result you want, but it's at the same time tearing down the relationships or the
12:35
attachment.
And most of.
12:37
Sorry we're both so excited about this.
I just want to add for a second though that because it depends on what you mean by works.
12:45
Like you said, it gets the short term result or maybe it even seems like a long term result.
But if it gets that result while compromising your relationship with the child and by not actually
12:57
fulfilling their mental, emotional, spiritual needs, then it doesn't actually.
Work by my definition, that does not work.
13:04
I'm always playing the long game.
That's what I was going to say.
13:07
I love playing the long game.
I'm like, no, this strategy, this parenting strategy, you know, in any specific moment works by my
13:14
definition, if it works now and it helps in 10 years from now, 20 years from now, that's how I know
this is a solid strategy.
13:23
And So what we share with you guys is stuff we've been doing for years and decades now, and it's
playing out as our kids are moving out and starting their lives.
13:33
Like Yep, those worked because it's still there and it's.
Because we still have the relationship with our older children, we still have that connection.
13:42
We still, they still come to us for advice, they still want to spend time with us.
They still want to have a relationship with us.
13:49
That's the real sign of whether or not something works.
Because if you get to your child's adulthood and they or their teenage years and they want nothing
13:57
to do with you, your strategies didn't work.
Well, now some of you are sitting here skeptically and, and good be skeptics, be skeptics, because
14:04
results don't lie.
So always go with the results.
14:07
And I, I know I can just, I can hear you.
And some of you are like, well, I don't want my adult children all attached and, you know, being
14:15
needy and clingy and coming back to me.
I want them to be autonomous and independent and self reliant.
14:22
And, and just for context for those who might be new here, don't know, our kids, like our kids are
incredibly independent and very capable, very autonomous.
14:30
They can go out and conquer the world.
They're they're good to go.
14:33
I was actually saying this the other day.
Rachel's, Rachel's father passed away when he was my age and, and it just struck me and I was like,
14:41
man, what?
I already passed away like this.
14:43
It's devastating.
I thought I, I thought through all my kids, always for the younger ones, it would be so brutal.
14:51
But as I thought of the older ones, I'm like, they're good to go.
They are good to go.
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The first four are ready to rock'n'roll.
They can just tackle whatever they need to do.
15:03
Like you and I have done well.
Like they're ready.
15:08
And, and so when we say they have a great relationship with us and they come back to us, it's
because they want to.
15:13
We're still earning their respect.
They're not like failure to launch kids and like I want to always live at home, what do I do?
15:21
The world's scary.
Like these guys have been to dozens of countries.
15:25
They've travelled internationally on their own.
They can handle big problems.
15:30
It's awesome.
They're ready.
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And so that's what we're going after.
That's the big picture.
15:34
And of course, this is not just with our own children, but also with the client, the children of our
clients that we've worked with.
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Like they're getting the same results and similar results because these are strategies that just
work.
15:46
And they're not strategies we've come up with.
I mean, I feel like we discovered them along the way, but you know, they're just the strategy.
15:53
They're just the things that work.
They've been around forever because they're what?
15:57
Actually, yeah.
Good parents have been doing it forever.
15:59
But I, I will say as, as is the case with most things, it's pretty rare.
It is it's kind of the 2% club with, with everything.
16:07
It's 2% of people who are really striving to do a great job.
And so probably since the very beginning of time, Adam and Eve, man, it's like 2% club of, of those
16:18
really striving to use these things.
So they've been around.
16:20
We're we're not the first people to put them into practice, but it is rare.
And and for all of us, just a little more intentionality makes a big, big difference.
16:31
Yeah.
And so we're going to share a few very specific strategies particularly today about how to rebuild
16:39
that attachment if it if it was not built or if it's not as strong as you would like it to be.
And again, the sign, the symptom that you can know that it's not as strong as you would like it to
16:51
be is if you have behavioral issues in your home and you might think, well, wait a second, but isn't
that just the nature of having children, You have behavioral issues?
16:59
That's what everyone will tell you.
And you'll look around, you ask your neighbors, you'll ask your parents, you ask your sibling,
17:04
you're like whatever.
And like, Oh yeah, that's all kids do that.
17:07
Like, no they don't. 98% of kids do.
But children who have a healthy emotional connection with their parents.
17:16
And again, you think that this looks like the clingy little baby children who have no independence,
no capability.
17:24
They're just like little amoebas with for their children or their parents.
That's not what this looks like.
17:31
Those are the children that actually have unhealthy attachments with their parents.
But children who have strong healthy attachments with their parents are capable confidence.
17:39
They have self esteem.
They have they believe in themselves, they're able to do things like they have that strength because
17:47
they have a foundation built on a strong attachment with the most important people in their life.
Now that's not to be confused with the kid who's distant and like forces independence because of
18:02
learned like of a learned what's the word where they they can't rely on their, their that bridge has
been burned and they're resentful and.
18:11
And.
There's no trust.
18:12
And so they they force themselves to be super independent.
You're like, oh, I'm so proud.
18:15
And you're like, wait a minute, that kids running from you like they're chasing independence because
they don't trust you.
18:21
They don't like you.
That's not what we're talking about here.
18:24
When it's when it's done really well, there is a beautiful relationship and a bond and a connection
between parent and child.
18:32
And, and essentially, I mean, just to simplify this in a way that there are essential, there's three
types of detachment disorders.
18:42
And nearly every misbehavior that a child exhibits, whether that's what you just described or it's
acting out or it's tantrums or it's teenage rebellion, essentially stem from some sort of attachment
18:56
disorder.
So if you have a good attachment, you have you don't, you don't have behavioral problems.
19:03
Now, that doesn't mean there's no problems in a child's life.
They're still going to have to figure out things and solve problems and all of these things.
19:10
And you're there to mentor and guide them and help them.
But the process is easier because you have that relationship with them, right?
19:17
As opposed to the misbehavior, the acting out, the talking back, the rebelling, the the fighting,
the sibling rivalry, all of which stems from an attachment disorder.
19:30
And so when you begin to understand that, you're like, oh, OK, essentially what I'm dealing with
here is an attachment disorder.
19:37
How do I fix that?
How do I repair?
19:39
That I want to emphasize that even an uncomfortable relationship with self and with siblings, with
friends, often stems back to attachments.
19:49
Exactly.
So this is good.
19:52
I just this is what it matters so much as, as you can tell, we're talking about this.
But it's so beautiful too.
20:02
This is what makes parenting and family life so awesome is getting this right now.
I want to I want to talk to dads for a minute and if if moms are listening, maybe you can help.
20:13
Your husband's dads can be kind of like disconnected and distracted, high performers, entrepreneurs,
go getters.
20:24
It, it's easy to have your mind in business, in the business world, you're out there, you know,
you're out there trying to slay Dragons and build kingdoms in, in business and families like kind of
20:38
foreign to you.
It's a little bit different.
20:40
And you can't like, you can't manipulate it like you, you, you can't work it or force it like you do
numbers at work or, or models at work or systems are you're, you're managing your business.
20:56
Your kids aren't manageable, right?
Like you can't, you can't do that.
21:00
And so it feels frustrating.
And and they're kids, you know, you tell your employees like, hey, do this or I'll fire you.
21:07
And they're like, OK, I'll do it.
And you tell your kids like do this.
21:09
And they're like, I want to do what I want.
And I don't care about your agenda.
21:13
And they're like, especially like toddlers, right?
I care.
21:16
And you're like, and you know, and, and your wife, you, you come home and, you know, at work, you're
the man, you're the boss, you're the big guy.
21:25
And you come home and your wife's like.
You do.
21:27
This and you don't do it well enough.
And I'm going to tell you about how bad my day was.
21:32
And then you're like, oh, man.
And then your kids come in and there's and there's poopy diapers and tantrums and, and chaos and
21:38
mayhem and broken things and, and you know, at work you feel dignified and respected because you are
the man.
21:47
And at home, your kids are embarrassing you.
More embarrassed of you if.
21:52
They do embarrassing things and you're like, oh, what's happening?
And and so you're on your phone.
22:02
You're.
Watching sports?
22:04
Yeah, you check out because you're like, oh, just work mode now I just need to check out.
So you're sitting in front of TV.
22:10
Some guys are even playing video games like little boys.
You, you know, you run off your little cave or you're super explosive.
22:17
You walk to the door like do what I say and why aren't you doing this better?
I know you're only 5, but this house should be spotless.
22:27
It's like these totally unrealistic expectations.
So Elman, we need to be fully engaged with each child at their age and capability.
22:38
We need to be bonding and connecting and investing and really leaning in.
And for some of you are like, well, this is boring and it's kind of dumb.
22:49
And I'm like, look, if your kids boring, that's on you.
If your kids incapable, that's on you.
22:54
If your kids just doing dumb stuff, that's not you, man.
Like lead out.
22:59
I I've never been like my kid likes dumb things.
Like let's, let's deliberately and proactively do great things.
23:07
Now.
I'm not forcing my kids.
23:09
You're like, how can I inspire?
Them my agenda.
23:12
I'm not trying to live vicariously through my kids like well, my kids will like football because I
like football.
23:18
My kids will wrestle and bark like now I'm going to lead them to the things that are good for them
and and let them pursue their dreams and goals.
23:26
And them discover them.
Help them discover, try all kinds of things.
23:29
I'm going to inspire them, encourage them, provide the the pathway, whatever they need to do.
Do great things.
23:35
That's fun.
That's exciting.
23:39
Like even getting deeply involved in their education and their development and their skills.
They're just hard life skills.
23:45
Yeah, it's.
Awesome.
23:46
So as we go through this and we're sharing these techniques and strategies, I want you to be sharing
specific ones you've used for dads so that this is applicable to moms and dads.
23:59
Because, yeah, they, they need that clarity about how to engage with their kids so they can build
these bonds so that they get more of the results they want.
24:10
Because one of the reasons they're they're having that experience, it's less than ideal is simply
because they don't have a deep enough connection with their children.
24:17
Because if they did, they would be loved, honored, respected, and it would be a more enjoyable
process for them to be at home with their kids.
24:24
They would like it.
Even even to the point Fellas, I'm going to throw this out.
24:27
This sounds crazy.
I, I missed it with our first kids because I was just like, diapers are horrible.
24:34
It's just poop on your fingers and messes everywhere.
But then I realized like even to the end, as crazy as it sounds, I actually enjoyed changing diapers
24:44
with our last three or four kids.
It's like, what a, what an awesome time.
24:48
I don't pay attention if you, if you have little ones, when you're changing the diaper, they're just
looking right at you.
24:52
They're watching your face.
And, and when I realize I'm like, this is amazing.
24:57
This is a chance with a little baby to have eye to eye contact and to smile and talk to him and and
just radiate love and affection and changing the diaper like it was, it was like focused one-on-one
25:10
moments.
It was beautiful, It was amazing.
25:14
And potty times when it's just the little kids yelling down the hall, Dad, I'm done.
It's like, man, I got to wipe a butt again and like this is so much.
25:24
But I, I, I cherished it because I knew it'd pass.
And now it's gone, It's been gone for years and, and those, those little moments are so precious and
25:33
fleeting.
I, I, you know, I'm just dreading knowing it'll come.
25:39
The last time the littlest one runs over and jumps on you 'cause you know, my 18 year old daughter
doesn't run over and jump on me anymore.
25:49
You know, she runs over and gives me a hug.
But you know, like run and jump into your arms at like, at some point I stop.
25:56
She's like that, the emptiness now.
But my 19 year old son and I went at it hard today in our gym with some jiu jitsu and we bonded.
26:10
I've got some big marks on my face and I mean we went after each other full speed for 4 minutes.
It was awesome.
26:18
So that's another level of bonding.
OK, which we're going to get to like we got to get into the strategy.
26:23
I'm so excited about this, I'm just going to keep going.
Strategies.
26:27
I hate when I have to let you talk during our podcast.
Yeah, you do give me a chance.
26:32
But what I want to emphasize here is that as we go through these specific strategies, again, this is
just touching the surface because that's all we can do in a podcast episode.
26:42
We can't go deep into every one of these things.
We can't look at all your unique scenarios.
26:47
In fact, that would require coaching like either in a group coaching session or one session where
because that that's.
26:57
I know you hate this phrase, but Jordan Peterson uses it all the time.
The devil's in the details, right?
27:02
And like when you can get down into the very specific.
Details.
27:07
OK, that's winning is in the details.
I like that Let's get success is in the details because when you get into the very specific details
27:13
of the interactions with your children and how you're feeling about it and what your spouse is and
like all the little pieces, that's where you get results faster because you can have the inside of a
27:24
coach and that might happen.
That's what happens with our one-on-one coaching.
27:28
You literally collapse time with intensity.
And so in, in this case, the intensity is coaching.
27:33
And so like you meet with me or meet me and Rachel and you're like, hey, this is what's going on.
I, I really want to make sure we're, we're capitalizing on this time.
27:41
We have our children under our roof.
Like how do we create this bond?
27:44
And then we go through specific details, one-on-one, we customize it, we did it.
And so you collapse time with intensity and you get far better results faster.
27:52
It's it's leverage, it's power.
But what I want to say, which is the most important thing I want to say today, is that you guys know
27:58
that we've already been talking about our parenting course.
That is we've, we've already started it.
28:04
In fact, some people have already received access to it, but it's extraordinary parenting mentoring
method in there.
28:12
We're going to go into more detail with all of these things.
So that's where the real power is, especially if you can't do the one-on-one coaching.
28:22
That's going to have a lot of power because it's going to get very specific the successes in the
details and we're going to have the details in there.
28:29
Now I want to just mention this in passing for those of you who hear this episode right away, later
it won't be relevant, but we actually have a founding member opportunity where you can Join Now and
28:41
get lifetime access and help us build out the course.
Meaning you're going to be giving us like specific questions, specific concerns, like things you
28:50
very specifically want to address.
So that's unique because you actually get the parents.
28:55
It's almost like a customized parenting course for you and then you get lifetime access to it.
So that's going to be awesome.
29:02
And I will put a link to that in the show notes.
But as we go through these, I want you to keep that in mind.
29:07
We can't fully expand on all of them, but there will be a place for that and that's in the parenting
course.
29:15
OK, So again reminding you where we're at, we are talking about if you did not do attaching with
your child the right way.
29:24
Or even if you did, you're like, well, I did it well, now how are we still going to keep attaching?
How do we keep attaching and, and specifically, how do we rebuild those attachments if they were not
29:35
made or if they've been broken through whatever reason, you know, lack of trust And the number one
way?
29:42
Well, one of the first ways that we can do that is simply something we can call rebuilding the
connection through presence.
29:51
I mean, it sounds simple enough and it seems of course so common sense like, oh.
But so few people, but so few parents do it.
29:59
Exactly.
Especially when we may not realize that even if we're present in the same room, we're not actually
30:07
present with our child.
And so they know it right away.
30:11
They're so sharp.
Oh totally.
30:13
So say you have a child who's 7914 and you don't have a great relationship with them, then you need
to begin to be intentional about every single day practicing presence with them.
30:31
Now, here's the most common thing I hear from men especially.
Oh yeah.
30:35
But your kids just reach that age when they don't want to spend time with you anymore.
They just want to spend time with their friends.
30:40
They want to spend time doing their stuff.
Like, they don't want to spend time with you.
30:44
I hear that all the time.
And other men perpetuate.
30:47
Yeah, yeah.
My kids in the stage are oh, yeah, my kids hit that, you know, as soon as they turn like, 9 or 10,
30:52
they didn't want time with me anymore.
And I'm like, dude, that's not true.
30:56
That's a symptom of failure.
It's a symptom of a detachment attachment disorder.
31:00
Right.
So it's common, It's normal.
31:03
Everybody goes around and tells you like, Oh yeah, that happened to my kid too.
All what they're really saying is oh, I failed too.
31:10
I felt too.
Oh yeah, I had the same symptoms of that problem.
31:16
It just because it's common doesn't mean it's healthy or.
The best?
31:22
Way just the way things are.
Like if you do a great job, your kids want your presence.
31:29
Like you're talking about rage, and they want your time.
Lots and lots of time, quality and quantity and and it that never ends.
31:36
In fact, yeah, I mean, it hasn't end for us.
That's what we're trying.
31:39
Even we're talking about with our older children.
They still want our presence.
31:43
They still want our attention.
Now, that doesn't mean that there's not a period of time during your children child's life when they
31:53
start looking outside to make more connections.
That happens.
31:58
Every one of our kids have wanted to make more friends and could make other connections with people
outside of the family, and that's normal.
32:06
But they didn't do it at the neglect of the relationship with us.
They still wanted that connection and relationship with us.
32:12
They still look to us for advice.
They still wanted our feedback.
32:16
They still had questions for us.
So it was like we were their secure attachment or anchor in the world as they went out to explore.
32:24
And now is their own.
That's healthy.
32:26
Like they want to be our friends and we want to be their friends.
Yeah, They totally want to go out and have adventures of their friends and go do cool stuff.
32:34
Yeah, great.
You know, Rich and I were like, hey, we're doing this.
32:37
Like I want in, I want to come.
Can we come on that trip?
32:40
Can we do that thing?
Like they they want both.
32:42
And that's that's a great sign of a really beautiful relationship.
So here are some quick, again, quick ways that you can practice presents, right?
32:56
Simple one-on-one time.
Oh my gosh, Can you imagine one-on-one time without your devices, without distractions?
33:03
It could be during meal time, it could be taking a walk with them.
It could be staying up a little later to chat with them when they feel like chatting, you know?
33:14
And for me, I found that it's always now, if my child doesn't do this because they already have a
detachment disorder, and so they're not coming to me to ask for my attention.
33:25
And at some point, that happens, right when kids are younger, they come to you and they want your
attention.
33:30
They're when they interrupt you and when they're doing all the things that bother you and make you
frustrated, That's their way of saying I want to connect with you.
33:38
I want to spend time with you.
When I learn to see that as a sign from my kid, yeah, as a good thing for my kids, I stopped seeing
33:47
it as a irritation and started seeing it as an opportunity.
And so I would take the time, take that moment to say, OK, I'm going to connect with my child right
33:56
now because they're asking for that connection.
And that's a beautiful thing.
34:00
Now if they're not doing that, I have to be the one to go out and do it.
I have to seek them out.
34:05
It's because it happened so many times they're.
Like, rejected so many times they've given up.
34:10
Yeah, exactly.
Or they become super hyper clingy and needy.
34:14
Yeah.
Those are the kind of two reactions, yeah.
34:16
So we, you know, we need to, if our kid, especially our teenagers want to stay up and chat, well,
that's a great opportunity to bond with them.
34:25
So stay up and chat.
Let them come in and sit on your bed, or go sit on their bed and talk.
34:28
Yes, but we don't even have to wait for that late night.
We can be super proactive.
34:33
Like when you dads, when you get home from work, like go find them, go engage, do things with them.
I had a client tell me something.
34:39
It was really cool.
He said that he just remembers throwing a football with his dad almost every day.
34:45
And he'd get home and dad be like, hey, let's just go throw the football and he's throw.
They'd sit out the backyard and just talk and just throw the football back and forth.
34:52
And he just like he's lit up and he has this memory with his dad.
Like what a cool.
34:57
It was so simple.
Simple thing, it really doesn't have to take more than 10 minutes, you know.
35:01
But it could be even more.
It could be.
35:03
Longer, but I'm saying like it doesn't have to be a huge thing of like oh I need hours of time for.
This so you can work on little projects together that you both like.
35:12
You can play games together.
One of the things I regularly do every morning and every night I give my kids a hug and I ask how
35:21
their night was or I before bed I asked how their day was.
So it's just a small moment.
35:26
It doesn't take a lot of time even though I have 7 kids, although 5 at home, I get that one-on-one
connection time with them and it's kind of a check in of like how are you?
35:37
How are you doing?
You know?
35:38
And that's their chance.
Like they know that's their chance.
35:40
Like if there's something on their mind or something they're worried about or need help with, like
that's a small chance for them to say mom, I need your help.
35:49
Or here's how I'm feeling more.
I want to emphasize that if, if we give our chance, if we give our kids a chance every single day to
35:56
bring up what's on their mind, it nothing has to fester, nothing has to go deep and get really
problematic and no resentment has to build.
36:07
No insecurity has to be to become overgrown.
Like any big problem or issue really is prevented because every single day they know they have an
36:21
opportunity to tell you something.
Now, this is critical and this is super important attachment.
36:25
How I react to what they ask or say determines if they'll keep asking questions or sharing things
with me.
36:34
Whether they'll be totally honest and open and just ask me about anything is determined by how I
react.
36:40
So that's a part of this attachment.
Freak out.
36:43
Yeah, if I freak out, they're like, hey, what's what's masturbation?
What's oral sex?
36:47
And I'm like, don't no dare.
Don't ever bring that up, man.
36:51
Boom, There it goes.
We're like, hey, dad, I actually stole some money or I broke this thing.
36:57
Hey man, thanks.
This is how I respond.
37:00
Thank you for telling me the truth.
You know, you want to tell me how that happened or how can we make that right in that voice, in that
37:07
tone, with that feeling, That's how I'm response.
So then they're like, I can be totally honest with my dad.
37:12
Talk to my dad, yeah.
But if they come in like, hey, Dad, can I tell you something?
37:15
Sure.
Yeah.
37:18
I stole something.
I stole some money.
37:21
I saw it and I took it.
How you react in that moment will determine how honest they are with you going forward.
37:26
OK, so I'm going to go quickly through some more of these again, connecting through presents.
So the one-on-one time physical affection.
37:35
Now this is a big one that I don't think parents do often enough, often because they didn't have
physical affection when they were children.
37:45
So they don't.
Know how to do it, They don't know how to do it.
37:47
Or it feels awkward, yeah.
But this makes a huge difference.
37:50
Children need physical affection means need physical affection.
Adults need physical affection.
37:57
Even you.
Porcupine men need physical affection.
38:01
So again, we can't go into all of these in depth because of I.
Have to though, they're so good.
38:06
What?
The Forces.
38:07
We had a gentleman come.
We had a gentleman come and stay in and, and I just, I just, you know, I usually just tap people on
38:13
the shoulder.
It's like, you know, it's just a form of connection.
38:16
People love it.
And he's like, don't touch me.
38:18
Well, he didn't tell you.
In the yeah, it was afterwards he said I was like, don't ever touch me again.
38:23
I don't like him.
I'm like, whoa, dude, this guy, he he struggles socially extremely.
38:29
Everyone noticed it like he's just doesn't not like humans.
And he probably you know what, I I would love to ask him.
38:34
He probably had a horrible relation with his.
Parents, absolutely he did, I'm sure.
38:38
OK, so if if you're not comfortable with physical affection, then start out small.
Even a a touch, a hand on the shoulder, right?
38:45
Or just a touch on the arm.
Like it can start in small ways but I deal.
38:49
With even as awkward as it is, because like I, I love hugging people and and and they're often like.
Yeah, practice so that you can get to the point where you feel comfortable giving your child a back
39:05
rub or giving them hugs every single day.
Like that's the ideal.
39:10
But start out small where you can because even those small touches help to regulate the nervous
system.
39:18
And that's one of the reasons why touch is so important, because as I'm going to talk about in a, in
a moment, children are not born with the ability to self regulate, despite what sleep training
39:31
experts might say, right?
And other parenting, quote UN quote, experts, they, they think that children have this ability to
39:39
regulate themselves.
They don't, they have to be Co regulated.
39:43
They need your help to be able to calm down.
Now, if you've never learned how to do that, obviously it's difficult for you to help them, but
39:50
that's why you now can be the adult and learn how to do this and then teach it to your children.
But touch is one of the ways that we help to Co regulate our children by helping to calm down their
40:03
nervous system and helping them fill this sense of safety, right?
And then of course, another way to practice presence is eye contact and mirroring.
40:14
This is a technique that's even taught by negotiators and like.
Never split the difference by what's his name.
40:22
Chris Foss.
Chris Foss, he talks about mirroring like it's a very powerful negotiation technique, but it works
40:27
great with building bonds with the children.
When we maintain contact, eye contact with them, we match their tone, their voice, kind of their
40:36
body language.
You know, if they're all, if they're a little bit subdued or whatever, we don't come necessarily
40:42
come at them with all this energy.
We kind of like match the energy a little bit or you know, if.
40:46
I have been guilty of bringing tons of energy all the time.
Which?
40:51
Sometimes works, but doesn't always work as well as kind of matching that energy, especially if
they're in a super low end.
40:58
Well, like, so Sanji was running and playing in our gym this morning and her, her son was, you know,
curling dumbbells.
41:04
And so it came down and caught her right in the face.
And so I don't run over there and be like, yeah, you got smashed in the face.
41:11
And so I scooped her up.
She was hurting.
41:13
I scooped her up.
I took her aside and just let her let her process and feel and lean into me and, and gave her a few
41:19
moments.
And, and she's got a big bruise and on her face, around her cheek and hit her shoulder.
41:26
And, and she wanted to make sure that I was there, that she was OK, that I understood.
I stayed with her until she felt like, OK, I'm good.
41:36
And she, she got right back in it.
And then she was doing jujitsu with her sister and got choked out hard.
41:41
And it's like cry again.
I scooped her up, held her like, OK, you got this right.
41:47
And just just mirroring, comforting, secure.
And then she's like.
41:50
OK.
So you're taking your emotional level and bring it closer to her level to to kind of validate where
41:59
she's at in the moment as opposed to kind of this top down judge mental approach, right, which
actually.
42:06
And I'm tactfully helping give meaning too, Bring her back up and give meaning 'cause it really easy
to be like, I had a terrible rotten.
42:15
No, good morning.
It's like, no, you had a great morning.
42:18
That's fantastic, man.
You're living.
42:21
You get bumped up, Bruce, like, wow, let's go.
Yeah.
42:25
And and you're helping her get meaning.
But it came by by meeting her more where she is and then bringing her up with it rather than trying
42:33
to just like lecture her right up to where she quote UN quote should.
Don't worry about it.
42:38
You're tough.
And I do.
42:41
I tell her I'm like, yo, you're so tough, this is amazing.
Instead of like, yeah, don't cry.
42:45
Don't be a baby.
You're tough.
42:47
It's very different.
Which this ties into the second point I want to make, which is essentially emotionally attuned
42:54
parenting.
Like it's being able to name and validate a child's feelings.
43:00
So when they are feeling a certain way, whether they're hurt, whether they're emotionally wounded,
whatever it is like we want, we think that with the best of intentions, we want our children to be
43:12
tough.
And so we are going to ignore or minimize their feelings.
43:19
But it actually creates the opposite of what we want.
Children who have their feelings minimized become more sensitive and less resilience.
43:29
Even even hypersensitive.
Yeah, they even become hypersensitive because they never received that validation that young
43:36
children especially need.
So if we're trying to rebuild that with older children and or teens, we may and I and we talked
43:43
about this in our coaching with our one-on-one coaching with some of our clients.
Sometimes we have to do a bit of a regression to help rebuild what was not built in the past.
43:54
And so there may be a period of time where there's a little bit of quote, UN quote babying, let's
say where you're like, oh, OK, I never validated my children's feelings before.
44:03
Now I'm going to validate their feelings.
And for a while it might feel awkward, it might feel like you're babying them.
44:08
It might be feel like, you know, somehow it's weird or inappropriate.
But it actually then gives them this opportunity to fill that bucket that's empty.
44:21
And then it's amazing that once that bucket is filled, as individuals we develop this sense of
resilience because we're like, oh, I'm good.
44:28
We mature rapidly.
Yeah, we mature through it.
44:31
And so that's how normally people want to be.
They want to be tough, but they can only do that when their bucket is filled.
44:38
When they feel safe, I think one of the most important things I can, I can share here is that the
art of implementation has to be in this healthy place in the middle and not to the extremes.
44:52
If, if we baby too much, if you're coddling, then it doesn't makes them weak and you're like, oh,
you poor thing.
45:00
And we've seen parents do this, you listeners, you've seen parents do this like it's just too much,
way too much.
45:05
This coddling, babying, making a big deal out of like little things.
And so then they go up thinking every little thing that happens to me is a big deal and they're
45:13
babies.
The other one is it's it's too far.
45:16
Just be tough.
Don't feel anything.
45:18
Yosh stop being a baby.
And you expect them to be numb to not feel anything in this desire to make him tough.
45:25
You, you dismiss anything.
So they feel unheard, unseen, unviolated.
45:30
And they're sitting like, no, this actually really hurt.
And, and here's my parents just discounting it, like not even acknowledging like it, it actually
45:39
hurt a lot.
And, and I don't know what to do with this.
45:41
I'm trying to process it.
And here you are just like, don't let it go, dismiss it, whatever.
45:45
So on either extreme, we, we fail, we miss.
And there's danger in, in this attachment.
45:53
So the art of implementation is coming back and finding that beautiful center yen and Nang where you
do a little bit of both right in the middle and it works really well.
46:05
Well, especially because what you're ultimately trying to do is help the child develop their own
inner knowing about I am actually OK or wow, I am actually hurting and I need help.
46:18
Like they're the ones that have to know on the inside where they're at and and when to practice
resilience and when to tough it out and when to actually seek out help.
46:29
And that's a difficult journey to navigate.
But if we're if we're there telling them what to do one way or the other, they're not actually
46:37
developing that skill themselves.
And that's really what we're trying.
46:40
So it's almost like we're there as a supporter as we watch and or as we're going to talk about help
them Co regulate.
46:46
So they're gaining the skills and the ability to be able to navigate life on their own ultimately.
And that's a 25 year journey, yeah, from from birth, from birth to 25, you're there as this support,
46:59
as this mentor, as a, as you're cheering them on.
Sometimes you're there saying, well, are you really OK or do you need help or do you really need
47:10
help or are you actually OK?
You know what I mean?
47:11
Like you're there to provide saying I'm here for you, but.
Sometimes you pick them up because they've fallen and, and you hold them and sometimes you're like,
47:19
you got this, let's go.
And you push them a little bit harder and, and you're there as a support for 25 years.
47:25
And then they become strong and resilient and capable.
Because they're building that inner strength.
47:34
But we, we, we can't miss this one.
This is, this is massive.
47:42
We've got to be engaged and aware.
Present.
47:46
Present.
Intuitive.
47:49
Yeah, I like intuitive.
Intuitive is such a great word because you're you're reading what they need.
47:54
And what the situation?
So they feel safe and comfortable.
47:57
But if you're disconnected from your child, you don't know what they need.
That's why building the connection is so important because it provides that foundation for
48:05
intuition.
OK, so the next part of this one being emotionally attuned is, is the Co regulation.
48:10
And, and, and specifically, it's Co regulation before correction.
So many parents, when something happens, whether it's misbehavior, whether it's acting out, whether
48:21
it's a tantrum, whether it's getting hurt, their immediate go to is some sort of correction or
teaching.
48:28
My mind did that I wanted.
Oh, mine did for a long time.
48:30
With Sandriana this morning, she ran into the weights.
So she was running circles around the gym and there's moving weights and so I'm like.
48:38
Because there was a lot of people on the.
Gym I got AI, got a teacher that you know the weight goes up and down.
48:43
So just because it's up when you're running doesn't mean it's going to come down and not knock you
in the face.
48:48
She learned that there was a natural consequence.
I literally don't have to say anything because she realized by running around and running into the
48:57
dumbbell, oh, that dumbbell's moving.
And my mind was like, tell her, tell her, tell her.
49:02
I'm like, no, she just learned.
I don't have to tell her to say.
49:05
All I have to do now is comfort her.
So my responsibility was to help her Co regulate and get back to a good state and let her go on her
49:12
way.
I didn't have to.
49:13
And and you're right, parents do this all the time.
We used to do it.
49:16
The first thing out of her mouth is like, why did you run into the weight?
You weren't paying attention.
49:21
Why did you fall down and hurt yourself?
See what happens when you're not more careful and you're running in the gym.
49:29
Like that doesn't need to be said and it actually hurts attachment.
It does it, it, it does not help with the attachment at all.
49:37
It it also does not help the child learn to regulate themselves because this is the key.
Like I mentioned before, children, because they're prefrontal cortexes are not developed and are not
49:48
fully developed until the age of 25.
That's why we use that number.
49:52
They have to have help Co regulating before they can self regulate.
So when something happens, that's the primary, that's our primary goal as parents to help them Co
50:04
regulate so they can learn how to automatically respond to trauma or whatever situations happen in
their life.
50:12
As opposed to if we respond with correction, their immediate response is defensiveness.
And so they never get into touch with that inner part of themselves that helps them learn how to
50:27
regulate, how to manage the situation, how to control their breathing, how to calm down, how to
whatever, like whatever it is they need to learn.
50:34
They can't if we're correcting them instead of Co regulating with it.
It makes perfect sense.
50:39
Yeah, they make a mistake and the immediate response is correction.
Oh boy, where was the Co regulation?
50:47
Where is the processing?
Where's the healing?
50:49
Where's the so then?
Then we wonder, well, why can't you do this?
50:52
Why can't you just toughen up?
Why can't you?
50:53
Just because they never learned how they were never taught, because what they always had instead was
correction.
50:59
And trust me, correction is never received.
In the moment.
51:04
And it's definitely not ingrained or made a part of them when it occurs in situations like that.
It just doesn't work.
51:12
Moms and dads especially, bite your tongue.
You're feeling so tempted to give the dad lecture.
51:18
Just help him process what they're feeling, what they're experiencing.
Right.
51:23
And you know, my go to now, if there's something happening that could be fighting, that could be
tantrums.
51:31
Although like I said in our last episode, we haven't had a tantrum for 16 years.
We literally aren't out like essentially for our last three children.
51:38
I can't.
I was trying to think the other day.
51:40
I can't even remember them having a tantrum at all because we learned how to build the attachments,
help them Co regulate.
51:49
That prevents tantrums because essentially a tantrum is a child who has reached their limits and
doesn't know how to regulate themselves.
51:57
And instead of a parent helping them Co regulate, they just try to correct them.
And that's not going to work.
52:04
It doesn't work, it can't work.
So my go to for any misbehavior of any child, teen, adult or toddler or whatever is to approach it
52:18
with Co regulation.
So I go into the situation helping everyone involved to regulate their emotions because that's the
52:27
first step before anything else can be done.
But if we come with correction, we're not solving the problem, we're just making it worse.
52:35
I think I remember the last time there was a meltdown.
I think it was.
52:39
I think it was in the Dominican Republic when our 18 year old was like 1.
I don't even know if it would be a tantrum.
52:45
She just, she would get sand on her feet and have to walk back from the beach and she just hated it
and wanted me to carry her.
52:54
But that was it.
Because then after that we went to Alaska and she was in a full body cast and handled it like a
53:00
champ.
And I don't think anything it might be 18 years, 1718 years.
53:07
Wow.
Because we learned how to build those attachments and pay attention so we could prevent misbehavior,
53:16
prevent tantrums, prevent all of the problems simply by Co regulating early on.
OK, next, the third is.
53:28
So all of this is essentially rebuilding attachment or?
Even continuing to build or.
53:36
Continuing to build attachment.
It's both, but we can also do very specific things to rebuild early attachment needs.
53:44
So things that were not met early on during those critical developmental ages because like Erica
Komizer says, although you and I think it could really go on longer, zero to 3 is the most critical
53:54
age.
And if certain needs were not met during that time, it's going to have a carryover effect.
54:01
It's going to, it's going to essentially, it's essentially created a test detachment disorder that
needs to be healed and repaired.
54:10
So this.
Can be do this really well.
54:14
You can really remove any of these problems.
Yeah, it's almost like going back in time in a way and filling in some of those gaps or buckets that
54:21
were have holes in them or have, you know, there's a gap there in that connection and kind of
filling it in.
54:28
And that this might again be one of those things that might seem like a babying.
And so it needs to be balanced in the yin and Yang, like you talked about.
54:37
It can't be too extreme.
It can't be to the point of like coddling or what's the other word, enabling.
54:45
We don't want that.
But there can be a bit of this that takes place that helps to kind of rebuild that missed
54:53
connection.
Some of you, like me, might be concerned you're you're using the word babying and every time.
54:59
Yeah, I know it might have been the best word, but I could see how some people would view it that.
Way and some and some people might need to hear that.
55:05
Oh, I'm going to baby them a little bit.
But you might, for a time, just need to be a little more sensitive than you would otherwise, or a
55:13
little more thoughtful, a little more caring, thoughtful for a minute to help.
Service Oriented.
55:19
Kind of rebuild and kind of strengthen the inner child.
I guess maybe that's why the word babying is a good thing because especially as I mentioned these,
55:30
one of them is like rituals of care or soothing activities.
This is things you would have done with them while they were young.
55:37
When they were young, you made all their meals for them and you took care of them on like every
level.
55:42
If you have a little bit of that, like you make them a breakfast or you help them out with things
they're doing, like it is AI guess a way of babying because it's something you would have done for
55:54
them when they were younger.
So when they're older, you're not doing it all the time, enabling them so they're like, bro, I'm
56:00
eleven and my mom does everything for me.
This is the suite life.
56:05
That's not what we're talking.
About, especially if effective if it's.
56:08
It's actually.
Not yeah, it's an act of kindness type thing.
56:12
You're like, wow, that was awesome.
That was nice, right?
56:16
But also, if you do other activities with them that you would have done when they were younger but
perhaps didn't, maybe that's reading aloud together.
56:24
It's watching shows together, shows that they want to watch nothing, you know, that you think are
too childish or whatever, doing side by side, playing, especially for teenagers, they talk about
56:36
doing shoulder to shoulder activities.
That's hiking, walking, maybe even cooking together and playful, gentle to their level, roughhousing
56:47
and wrestling, right?
Especially if they didn't get that because that is one of the things that definitely builds
56:52
attachment, especially for dads.
In fact, that's a very powerful way for dads to build bonds and attachment with their children.
56:59
And there's a lot of research that shows it's critical for brain development actually to have
roughhousing play.
57:06
That's a way to build bonds, but it has to start out, especially for those who are resistant.
Like it's got to start out.
57:13
They're very playfully.
They, when they monitor dads and kids wrestling, both the father and the child get these releases
57:21
of, of, you know, happy chemicals in our brains.
It's this major bond there and then running to Mama for if they're, if they're ever heard or
57:30
intentions like she's my safe place.
Both mom and child get that spike of, of good chemicals and so that it, it matters.
57:41
And so dads, you, you got to be roughhousing with your kids.
You got to be leading them out to do adventurous things and, and lean into that.
57:49
I, I guess I want to, I really want to emphasize this idea because I know some of you are going to
be like, I don't want to do a kid doesn't want to do anything but XYZ and it's so boring and so
57:58
dumb.
So it's your job then to tactfully lead your children into cool things.
58:04
I'm not forcing them to do what I want, and I'm not just going along and doing some lame thing they
want.
58:12
We're going to create or find this common ground where we both love to be together doing something
productive, effective, fun, good.
58:23
Yeah, for example, you know, we have a child who loves to play games, board games.
And you and I both hate board games.
58:32
Like here we are.
We're we're admitting it on the podcast.
58:35
We hate board games, So what we do instead is we look for board games.
That one either we can tolerate, and I use that word kind of intentionally because it still would
58:46
not be our first choice, right?
But we'll tolerate certain games categories.
58:53
There's one called Bang that we can tolerate sometimes, you know, Mancala, there's certain games
that I'm willing to play like.
59:01
Settlers of Catan and wrist things.
Like that becomes the, the connection point because we're like, OK, I'm not going to play this game
59:10
of yours that's forever and I don't understand any of it, but I will play these games with you or we
also will bring in.
59:17
And in fact, this is reminding me we need to do this more, fix our ping pong table so we can because
he likes ping pong.
59:24
I'm like, OK, I'm I'll play ping pong and we have a pool table, right?
It's so let's find those common denominators.
59:31
We're like, OK, this is a place where we can connect because.
Yeah, and find out what each kid likes.
59:38
So that son of ours loves Frisbee, you know, playing Frisbee more with all of our teens.
We love spike ball.
59:45
So like, I crazy love spike ball.
It's so fun.
59:49
Like I'll, I'll do that all day long.
I'm like, hey, you know, like I'm not going to do this boring thing.
59:53
But we both like spike ball.
We all like spike ball.
59:55
Let's go play spike ball or my daughter loves volleyball, so we can get out and pepper and and play
volleyball a ton.
1:00:01
So you're just you're finding the things they like to do with each one.
It's going to be different, but do the work.
1:00:07
And if if you're sitting, you're saying like could doesn't like anything, there's something I
promise.
1:00:13
And you just got to do the work to find it.
Exactly.
1:00:16
OK.
We're going to do a couple more here before we close finish this up.
1:00:23
One of these things.
And again, there's levels here and you have to be intuitive and you have to know what you need to
1:00:33
use.
And that's going to require asking questions, paying attention, you know, noticing what works, what
1:00:39
doesn't.
And sometimes you may need to have open conversations with your kids.
1:00:45
You may need to say things like, Hey, when you were a little, I did a really bad job about
responding to your needs when you cried or this or that the other, and maybe you don't even remember
1:00:56
that.
But I think that like I've been learning some stuff.
1:01:01
I think that may affect the relationship we have now and I want to fix that.
Now.
1:01:06
You may not need to have that with your child, but maybe you do, especially if you feel like you're
trying things and it's just not working and you're not making that connection.
1:01:14
It's it's as though.
Especially if you have a reputation with them and they're like, oh, you're always this like, I'm
1:01:19
sorry, I'm, I'm sorry that I was that way.
I really want to be.
1:01:23
Better.
No, that's good.
1:01:24
Especially I think, yeah, if you've had, if you already have a reputation for being a certain way,
especially if it's one that doesn't admit your faults or that you make mistakes or things like that.
0:00
There's a lot of power I found in being human with your kids.
1:01:40
So saying, wow guys, I messed up.
I, I, I wanted to stop yelling and I yelled at you like I, I wanted to do this better and I messed
1:01:48
up.
I'm sorry.
1:01:48
They'll say things like that in passing that almost, maybe not to you, but just kind of hear you
like, Oh yeah, you know, Mom always yells or Dad's always on his phone and you'll hear stuff like
1:02:01
that.
Those are your hints that like, those are your haul outs.
1:02:05
They're holding up the mirror and they're like, oh man, here are my kids, you know, accurate or not,
if, if they believe it, it's their reality.
1:02:14
So it's true for them.
If they're like, yeah, I don't, you know, you can't ask dad anything.
1:02:18
He's always distracted.
He's always, he's always work, anything about work.
1:02:21
And you hear that or your wife hears it and shares it with you, that's time to change.
Like my kids, if, if they think I always do XY or Z and so they, they can't come to me, I have to
1:02:35
change that.
Like I have to level up.
1:02:37
I want to, I want to say something here.
A lot of parents struggle with one age or another.
1:02:44
Some are really good when they're small and then they struggle when when they have an attitude or an
an opinion.
1:02:50
The kids grow up and have an opinion now and they want to do their own thing.
And this little bond, you know, you were, maybe you were in love with the idea of being a mom to a
1:02:58
baby.
And now this baby grew up and makes messes and talks back and does crazy things and won't listen,
1:03:04
wants to wear weird clothes.
And you're like, I have no idea what to do with this human.
1:03:09
Or maybe it's that, you know, the, you know, 11 to 14 when they're just changing and trying to
discover who they are.
1:03:17
They're going through their own identity crisis and formation and the boys especially, just like
they have no driver ambition for anything.
1:03:25
And maybe you're just like, I just want to ring that kids neck or maybe when when they're the teens
and they're just trying risky things or whatever.
1:03:32
What I want to say here is, and this is hard.
This is the uncomfortable truth.
1:03:35
We as the adults have to grow and change.
If we're struggling with any stage, it's on us.
1:03:44
It's not on them.
You can't say why.
1:03:47
You know, I have a hard time 4 year old.
So just don't act like a four year old.
1:03:51
You kidding?
That's insane.
1:03:53
That's insane.
It's literally retarded for you to think, well, I don't do well with four year olds.
1:03:58
So the four year olds should not act like a four year old.
You're the adult, you're the adult.
1:04:01
Act like it.
Like level up.
1:04:04
And if you have a problem with any age of your kids, that's on you to fix and overcome because that
will create an attachment disorder.
1:04:12
Especially because it's not their fault and and it is, it's really a little bit infuriating.
Although I understand that again, we're all coming from different backgrounds and different
1:04:22
histories.
But now that we're adults who have children, because if you're a parent, you have children, it is
1:04:31
our responsibility to bear the burden.
We are the ones that have to carry the weight.
1:04:36
We are the ones that have to level up.
If our children are not what we want them to be, that's our fault.
1:04:43
It's not their fault, and we can't continue to blame them for being their age, stage, whatever they
are like.
1:04:52
We are the ones that have to figure it out.
And it's our responsibility to fix the relationships, to build the bonds, to give them the skills
1:05:01
that will make them competent human beings and happy in their adult life.
That's our job.
1:05:07
Oh, it's so powerful and so important.
So if you as the parent have any issues or any struggles with any stage, it's on you to change.
1:05:16
It's on you to overcome that.
It's on it's on you to become better, more capable of that thing.
1:05:21
And if there's things that you don't like about your kids, that's 100% on you and it's on you your
responsibility and opportunity to tactfully, with a lot of diplomacy and skill, lead them into being
1:05:36
very likable, respectable human beings.
Exactly.
1:05:40
Good.
OK, we're going to close here.
1:05:43
One other thing though, of course we can do is we can ask our children what what would help you feel
more connected to me?
1:05:51
What would you like to do more of with me?
And if they already have a disorder or they feel unattached from you, then they'll probably be
1:06:02
resistant to this question.
But if they know you're sincere, and if you ask it multiple times and you want to sincerely know,
1:06:08
eventually they'll tell you.
And when they tell you, take it seriously and don't just be like, oh, well, no, that's too expensive
1:06:15
or that's unrealistic or that like, find a way because that right there is showing your child.
I'm willing to invest in your relationship.
1:06:24
I'm willing to invest and spend money on you doing things with you that sends a message to your
kids.
1:06:31
Now, not that that should be the only way like that you connect with them by spending money on them
because that can become unhealthy too.
1:06:38
But if you never do anything that costs money with them, then they think, oh, I guess I'm not worth
it, right?
1:06:44
So there has to be the balance.
And in that, whenever they give you feedback, don't be dismissive or defensive, right?
1:06:51
It doesn't help like take it seriously and and honestly and vulnerably, vulnerably.
OK, Finally, a few tips for specifically teens.
1:07:01
You know, teens, they're going to push for independence.
So, so part of the challenges you may be having with your teen come one, not only from a attachment
1:07:11
disorder, but from the very nature of being, well, it's kind of a combination because if you have
healthy teens, they're going to be out seeking independence, but having you as the anchor.
1:07:24
And that's a healthy way for them to do it.
Because again, our teens are still just teens.
1:07:27
They are not fully developed.
Their, their prefrontal cortex is not fully developed.
1:07:32
They need us as their anchor.
I kind of see it as a mirror of the toddler age.
1:07:36
We're toddlers.
That's what they do.
1:07:38
They, they have the mom, if you look at them at the park, the mom's the anchor.
They're going out to explore, but then they want to make sure mom is back there and they're going
1:07:46
back there just like touch.
And you know, you're, I'm safe, you're here.
1:07:50
And teens do that in a way too, unless you don't have a healthy attachment with them and then
they're out taking risks and doing things that are not healthy because they don't have that secure
1:08:01
that security from you.
So allow them to practice that, you know, independence, but make sure that they know you're there to
1:08:10
keep them safe.
And so if they're going to do something that's not safe, tell them, let them know and.
1:08:15
The best way to do this to do it with them.
Yeah.
1:08:19
If I'm out taking risks with my teens, they never feel like my life's so boring and dumb and Dad's
so boring and dumb.
1:08:28
I'm just going to go do something crazy.
He's like, no, I'm leading out like guys.
1:08:33
And.
And you're teaching.
1:08:35
You're teaching them safe ways to.
Do well, that's that's the way to do is like no, let's go take risks.
1:08:39
Let's go drive really fast cars and motorcycles.
Let's go snowboarding, skiing, let's go Cliff jumping and rock climbing, rappelling.
1:08:49
Let's go do crazy stuff.
Let's go find some epic canyoneering.
1:08:52
Let's go do huge mountains.
My kids had never thought, no, I'm just going to go do something crazy because they're like, OK, we
1:08:58
got to train so we can keep up with dad.
That's how we roll.
1:09:02
I'm out living adventurously, like our life is as great as an action movie, so they don't feel any
unmet need to try dumb things or, or to get away.
1:09:16
I was like, we just talk openly about everything.
It's like it's so clear and obviously like why, Why would I?
1:09:22
Why would I mess with drugs or alcohol or or or even sex or or stupidities when when I can do things
really well, live an amazing life and really lean into incredible relationships?
1:09:34
Like when we're leading them through the whole process so they're not out wandering aimlessly trying
to figure things out, asking their peers.
1:09:43
I mean, it was so sad In Spain, we saw these young, young kids, lots of them just sitting there
vaping, no parents around, nothing.
1:09:53
They're all just passing around the vape thing and fighting.
I mean they were like 10.
1:09:57
Little I'm like and it, it was common.
We just saw so much of them like what is going on?
1:10:03
It's it's so bad and they're literally poisoning themselves.
Like what is going on here?
1:10:08
It was so sad.
OK, couple last things.
1:10:13
Part of the idea of being the anchor is that you're the emotional anchor.
Like, and you touched on this earlier and I but I think it's so important.
1:10:21
I think especially for teens, it's so important.
We have to be the adults in the relationship.
1:10:25
We have to be the emotional anchor.
We have to control ourselves when our children, our teens, say or do things that can be upsetting,
1:10:35
frustrating, irritating, annoying, angering.
We have to control ourselves because if we don't, we break that top trust.
1:10:43
And then they don't come to us with their problems, with the things they need to talk about.
And instead they're turning to peers or they're turning to the Internet.
1:10:52
So we have to be the anchor.
We have to be the lighthouse and be strong so that they know they can turn to us and that we're not
1:10:59
going to freak out, we're not going to respond, we're not going to get upset.
And in fact, we're going to be grateful that they came to us.
1:11:06
That's a key part of that.
And then of course, you know, as we're seeking to connect with our teens, we have to allow them
1:11:14
their self-expression.
We have to allow them to be who they are.
1:11:18
And so if they, they want to connect over sports or music or whatever, they're like, you know, the
video game or not the video games, the, the board games that we talked about.
1:11:29
We don't do video games.
That's a whole.
1:11:31
The video game thing is a whole other episode that we can't go into right now.
That's just something we don't do.
1:11:36
Or nor are we going to allow like weird neurotic stuff and and be like, well, it's just
self-expression.
1:11:42
It's like, no, that's retarded.
Even with within this framework, we still have to have the yin and Yang because because we are the
1:11:49
anchor and because we are the adult, we are the ones that has to have to help them see clear
boundaries about what is safe, what is healthy, what is going to be a good path for them to take
1:12:04
long term for us.
That's the short reason of why we don't have video games or allow video games because the long term
1:12:12
path for that in most cases is not a greatly productive 1.
Like there's just so much research on the reduced productivity of men and boys who in video games.
1:12:25
And so as a long term strategy, it's just not a good one.
And, and some parents are out there like, oh, well, my child's neurodiverse.
1:12:34
And I mean, we're coming up with all these new labels and my child loves children.
And they want to do that.
1:12:40
It's like, OK, great.
But you still hold boundaries.
1:12:42
You still have standards.
You're still teaching effectively.
1:12:45
Still have to operate within the laws of.
Yeah.
1:12:47
So there's a universe we live in.
Yeah, and, and healthy, happy, successful people.
1:12:52
It's like, we're not going to let you just go be a rabbit because you wake up one day like I think
I'm a rabbit.
1:12:59
Like, come on, let's go.
And, and you, you keep these boundaries and standards and principles and practices.
1:13:05
And then you don't have any of those issues.
You don't have the anxiety, you don't have the depression, you don't have the bizarre behaviors
1:13:12
because you have attachment and you have bonds and connections and you're leading them to really
happy, healthy life.
1:13:21
Because mental and emotional health are founded on security, like stability, like when you have
boundaries, that's the foundation of mental emotional health.
1:13:34
It's it's when there's a lack of boundaries, a lack of clarity, a lack of certainty, that that's
where anxiety and depression all like they get a stronghold because of that.
1:13:45
So the the more clarity there is about what's certain, what's true, what works, what doesn't work,
the more not only confidence do you have, which also builds mental and emotional health, but like,
1:14:00
just this certainty about how the world works and how to operate in it, that builds strength, that
builds resilience.
1:14:09
So we do a disservice to our children when we lean too far to the side of like, oh, well, yeah,
anything goes, live your truth.
1:14:17
But like, that's why that's one of the reasons, contributing reasons we have a mental and emotional
crisis specifically in the West right now because of that lack of clarity about the boundaries that
1:14:31
create health, healthy living essentially.
I saw, I saw something sad this morning.
1:14:38
Well, and then I also want to talk about the rat House.
Rat maze.
1:14:43
I I saw a photograph of a gentleman I knew.
You know, 20, 27 years ago and, and he was very socially awkward, nice guy, just no social skills
1:14:55
and probably learned it from his parents.
So today I saw a picture of his family and, and I've been doing this for so long.
1:15:01
I worked with thousands of people across 5 continents.
Like I, I can read, I can read things, I can read people really well.
1:15:07
I can see, I can see symptoms and, and, and then a quick conversation and people confirm that like
I'm, I've become really good at this.
1:15:16
And, and, and again, I don't want to be misunderstood here, that I look at a photograph and like, I
think this is all full assessment.
1:15:21
But then this one spot on.
I saw a full, you know, Easter photograph of his whole family and major problems were evident across
1:15:33
the board.
And it was so sad.
1:15:36
I saw it and, and I'm like, oh man, it played out.
It played out like I, I thought it would when I knew him and I could just see the, the lack of
1:15:45
attachment, the the poor connections through, through his, his wife and his children and, and I
could see all the symptoms.
1:15:51
I'm not going to describe it all.
But well, because I know people are saying, well yeah, how can you tell that from a photograph and
1:15:58
part of.
I guess I could get into it, but.
1:16:00
Well, just as a quick summary, part of the way is because one, we're all walking Bilberg.
Boards.
1:16:06
Exactly.
That's what it is.
1:16:09
Habits, behaviors, clothing, dress, whatever are very often signs they're they're common
denominators like people who have certain characteristics or certain ways of thinking or certain
1:16:19
beliefs manifest certain behaviors in very similar ways.
Besides the fact that our countenance like just the way our face is radiates even our thoughts and
1:16:32
our beliefs and our our thinking patterns.
And so when you, you know, study a lot about human psychology and development, you can begin to pick
1:16:43
up on those clues.
So again, again, it's not like 100% for sure this thing, but there's signs there.
1:16:50
The probabilities are massive.
Indicative of certain behaviors, thought patterns, beliefs, ships, etcetera.
1:16:58
And so I just saw it was like, oh man, I was sad.
And you could tell from the the postures, the countenance expressions, the body shaped, the hair and
1:17:07
things, the the extremes, there's just this plea.
It's it's screaming out for attention, love, attachment help.
1:17:18
And and one of the reasons you even know this is because you were that you know many people do not
know this about you.
1:17:26
But as AI don't know how old you were, 131415 year old, you had a green Mohawk and you pierced your
ears.
1:17:33
And most people do those sorts of things is they're trying to get attention because they're not
receiving the attention they need from the most important people in their mind.
1:17:41
I didn't know that at the moment.
I wasn't like, I'm going to put up a.
1:17:44
Green Mohawk here for attention.
But looking back, you realize, oh, I was, I was longing for attention.
1:17:49
I was longing for attachment.
I was longing for connection.
1:17:52
I was longing for validation.
Yeah, right.
1:17:55
And it's it's often those.
Signs and.
1:17:58
Symptoms are are indications of what's going on inside.
Ultimately, I think they're indications.
1:18:06
Of what we've been saying, attachment disorders, absolutely.
OK.
1:18:10
I just want to close with the rats I know.
So whoever's listening.
1:18:17
And they turned it off.
Back then, you missed out on all the.
1:18:19
Rest of the good stuff.
But no, really, let's close with this because I feel like it's it's a good illustration.
1:18:28
Of.
Ultimately, what we're talking about when we talk about attachment connection and there, there's a,
1:18:34
it's been going around on Facebook, but I've heard about it since before then.
I've heard Jordan Peterson talk about it.
1:18:39
So it's legit research that's been done.
And it was done with rats.
1:18:43
It was in the 70s.
Yeah, it was done with rats.
1:18:45
And what?
Happened is they started out the.
1:18:47
Research by putting rats in an empty cage that's important by themselves and they gave them an
option of regular water or cocaine laced water, or it might have even been heroin.
1:19:02
Whatever, it doesn't matter.
It was a strong drug and.
1:19:06
Of course, the rats chose the drug laced water to the point where they became addicted and
eventually died.
1:19:16
They overdosed.
Well, this.
1:19:19
Other man came.
Along and basically said, well, wait a second, we're doing this experiment all wrong.
1:19:24
We have these rats in cages by themselves and most of the time all of them choose the drug water and
end up dying.
1:19:31
You know so but this is wrong.
So he set up a new test where he put the rats in a rat heaven.
1:19:41
They had other rats to play with, they had other rats to mate with.
They had toys and things to climb on and play with like it was a rat heaven.
1:19:49
Hardly any of the rats preferred the drug laced water because none of them overdosed and none of
them overdosed.
1:19:59
And the.
Reason why is because they had lots of sex.
1:20:03
That's it.
Thank.
1:20:04
You for summarizing our parenting episode with.
That because that's not relevant to this.
1:20:10
Discussion.
Oh, not for kids.
1:20:11
But it is for adults.
Thank you.
1:20:13
Yeah.
Exactly.
1:20:14
You just ruined it.
You.
1:20:16
Just ruined my point because they had lots of connection.
Yes they had connection.
1:20:21
They had interesting things to do in their life.
And when you are surrounded by that, you don't have the need or the the need to turn to something
1:20:33
like drugs to fill the void because the needs being met.
But other good things, yeah.
1:20:38
The absolute key then is make your.
Life.
1:20:41
So good like the the idea of doing drugs is dumb.
Like why would I do that?
1:20:47
My life's amazing Exactly why would I jeopardize this?
My relationships are.
1:20:51
Awesome.
Right.
1:20:52
And and all that requires is that we just level up.
We'd be better.
1:20:56
Well, right, because part of making your life.
So good is making your relationship so good.
1:21:00
Your your life happiness is essentially it's directly connected to the happiness of your
relationships.
1:21:08
The better your relationships are with your spouse, with your children, the better your life is
going to be.
1:21:13
And so, you know, I literally have no worry at all.
But it's not even inkling of a worry about my children doing drugs or drinking or going out and just
1:21:25
having sex with people.
They're not going to do that because they literally have such strong connections and such an
1:21:32
interesting life that they look at those things with kind of this disdain.
Like, that's silly.
1:21:38
Why would I ruin what I have exactly?
Why would I ruin my?
1:21:41
Life with that.
But but the foundation for that comes from the strong attachment that we have with them.
1:21:48
Because when you have that strong attachment, it's so much easier to build all those other things
into your life.
1:21:56
Many parents run into problems and difficulties trying to create those things in their lives because
they don't have the attachments in place first.
1:22:03
Yep.
So, ladies and gentlemen.
1:22:06
Take an opportunity to rate yourself.
So rate your level of attachment in connection and bonding with your spouse one to 10.
1:22:12
Go ahead and do it with each of your children.
Like how, how great, how absolutely solid is my attachment, my bond, my connection with each of my
1:22:20
children.
And then ask, ask your spouse, ask your kids, hey, radar relationship on one to 10 and whatever they
1:22:27
say, just take it in and say what would make it a 10 and they'll tell you and listen, it's amazing.
And wherever you're at with each of your kids, lean in and especially with the one that's hard to
1:22:41
connect with, the one that's maybe different from you.
That's, I don't know, maybe quirky or annoying or difficult.
1:22:47
Very often the the primary difficulty is this lack of attachment and it's you invest in that
relationship, the problems just go away.
1:22:54
They take care of themselves.
It's so powerful and so important.
1:22:57
So love you guys.
I want to say make sure and I'm saying this now.
1:23:01
Because it's literally a limited thing, limited time thing.
We're going to Scotland next week.
1:23:06
When we get back, we're going to be building out this parenting course.
So it's between now and then that you can get in as a founding member with lifetime access.
1:23:14
After that, the access is only going to be available on a yearly basis.
So now is the time to get in or that and to help like customize this whole thing and build it out.
1:23:25
So powerful, so love you guys.
Lena, be the most amazing parents you can be.
1:23:32
It's the most important work we do.
And honestly, it's the most enjoyable.
1:23:36
Yeah, OK.
Marriage is the most enjoyable.
1:23:39
And then after that, parenting, it's amazing.
Love you guys, reach upward.
