#282 The Power of Judgment in a Fragile Society: Raising Resilient Children in a 'Sensitive' World

Rachel Denning (02:43.775)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the extraordinary family life podcast we're your host Greg and Rachel Denning recording in our home studio resort, the world's school family resort that now we are already hosting families who are coming to stay and do the world schooling experience. It has been awesome.

We got a packed house and it has been, for me at least, absolute joy to have so many little kids and babies around. I miss the babies and I miss the toddlers. They're so fun. They're so fun. So this has been, it's been a blast and a joy. we got- And the teenagers. And teens. They're fun We got toddlers and teens and babies and cool people, cool experiences, creating memories. It's just been, it's been genuinely awesome. Okay, today we're going to talk about

Well, let me back up. Each of us has mindsets. We get fixed mindsets, we have growth mindsets. There's a phenomenal book by Carol Dweck called Mindset. She walks through the whole thing. That's a book that every parent should read again and again. It is just fundamental to how we do life. But the concept is essentially that we all develop some kind of belief. Well, lots of them actually. Lots and lots and lots of mindsets. And so...

The idea is that it's a belief you have that you, whatever, you pick it up from your childhood, from your parents, from experiences, from anything. I mean, we get tons of them. But that creates the scaffolding or the framework for everything we do in life. And so if I have this belief, then that belief forms...

and shapes like my perspective, my paradigm, my reality for everything I'm doing is this belief. And one of the best things I did in my life was alter my mindsets and my beliefs. And it's one of the best things I do in coaching. If I had to pick something that I just absolutely love about coaching is doing that with the people I get to work with.

Rachel Denning (04:53.407)
give them a new mindset to adopt, a new belief. And once they grab hold of the new belief, it alters their whole reality and their whole experience. So, you know, I get to work with high achieving men. And with high achieving men, they're tackling big projects. They're entrepreneurs and businessmen. have a lot going on. They often feel a lot of stress. And so they'll come to me like, man, I'm so stressed. I'm so stressed. And one of the first things I always do is I stop right there. I'm like, hey, brother.

You and I, we eat pressure for breakfast. That's my phrase. That's the thing I came up with. We eat pressure for breakfast. And just that whole shift, like, yeah. No, I don't get stressed out. I eat pressure for breakfast. So there's a couple things here. One, I'm sitting here for a second wondering if we're actually talking about the topic that you and I talked about before we started recording, because I'm like, wait a second.

This sounds like a totally different topic to me. In response to what you just said, which I think that this is interesting, is that to me that phrase has never resonated. I've always been like, ugh, that sounds terrible. I don't want pressure for breakfast. And so I never share that with my female clients. But with the men, I'm like, hey, brother, you and I, eat pressure for breakfast and a little extra for dessert. And that works with And they get it. Because they're like, yeah. Yes, I do.

Because the idea of stress is like it's overwhelming me, it's stressing me out, I can't handle it. And you just take a totally different mindset. So instead of picking up the mindset that's just so common, like, I get stressed out, I'm stressed out, I'm overwhelmed, I can't handle it. You just adopt a new belief of like, no, man, I eat pressure for breakfast.

Okay, but going back to my original comment, are we still talking about? Yes, of course. my What we talked about before. I love this. This is... I know because... It's so fun the difference between thinking between men and women and... Right, because I feel like the conversation we had...

Rachel Denning (06:58.913)
I'm not making the connection here with what you're now talking I'm going right now. Which is why, okay, maybe this is a good place to bring this up because recently Greg and I have been having a conversation together about providing context.

I absolutely love it and in fact I need to have context in order to discuss a topic, answer a question, to have a conversation. I just love it. I love when I or he provides this context. And for me, it's very directly connected to something in life. It will even be like, this is what I was thinking. And the reason I was thinking it was because this happened to me. And because of what happened to me and what I was thinking about it, here's the

conversation I want to have.

That to me is context that just adds so much depth. in fact, I'm gonna throw this out here. I want to hear from the listeners. Which one are you? Do you like to have that context? Wait, hold on. That's where I'm going. Me too. Like I hear you say that, say absolutely, 100%. And in my mind, I'm like, I always provide context. See, but when you start talking. Like I do it from a teacher, a teaching, and that's what I was doing. I was talking about the mindsets. I was introducing the idea and how mindsets are the framework for life.

I create context and and I'll go through this whole thing providing context and she's like Why don't you provide any context? Okay, so what you meant was context your style Maybe that's why I'm interested to hear from other people. I want to know what they think too because I guess for me Really the context that I connect with most is story based like

Rachel Denning (08:44.589)
Was talking to this person and it reminded me about this thing about mindset or I? This morning I was doing my workout and blah blah blah this happened and it reminded me of this principle that to me is the context that I grab on to the most When it's connected to some sort of story something that has happened to someone or something especially at least for me, you know

if it's closely connected or closely related. That's the context that I thrive on. To me, it's like almost immediately my brain just grabs onto it and I was like, okay, I want to pay attention to this. As opposed to, and again, this just might be you versus me, men versus women, I'm not sure. I agree with everything you're saying. Where when you start out with talking about the mindset, my brain is sitting here thinking like, where did he come, get this from? Why is he thinking about this?

Where did this idea come from? And so I kind of spaced out on some of what you were saying because I was trying to figure out. You were sitting there going blah, blah, blah. Charlie Brown. He's going on blah, blah, blah. But my brain was trying to say, why is he talking about this? Do you know I'm saying? Like, where did he get this thought process from? Where did the thought process come from that he's talking about mindset? Especially because.

We had a conversation right before it where I... I could see how you could connect mindset to it for sure. Wow. Wow, this is amazing. But we hadn't used any of those words really. my goodness! Like the whole thing was on mindset!

man, this is hilarious. I guess you're right. It could be called mindset for sure. Well, that's because exactly what it is. So it could be called a mindset because it is a mindset. It is a belief. Okay, let me share my perspective. Let me share some context. So I'm constantly like every day, all day, every day from the time I get up, I'm listening to things or reading things to literally the time I go to bed. I'm reading from right now. I'm reading the Plutarch Lives. I'm reading

Rachel Denning (10:58.548)
So from the first thing in the morning when I'm conscious to the last thing before I lose consciousness, shoot even our dreams are dealing with concepts and ideas. I'm exposing myself to humanity, history.

events that are happening right now and events that happened thousands of years ago. daily interactions with family and friends and friends and And people reaching out for help and people who are succeeding and people who are utterly failing. like every single day I get to work with good people and we get to see all their challenges and obstacles and problems and successes and failures and tragedy and triumph on and on and on. Ideals, goals.

every kind of book across every genre. I'm constantly reading four to five different books at a time. So every day I have a massive buffet of ideas, of concepts, of realities, of principles, of practices, of things that are relevant and real to being a human being. So I don't need like a context like you're describing of like, I...

I talked to a specific person and now I'm thinking about it. It's like, no, I'm exposed to them all the time. So anything comes up and I have notes. for those of you listening, I have over 3,500 pages of my own notes, insane amounts of notes. And so all I have to do is glance at one of my notes. I could pick up, open my note folder at any moment, grab an idea and be like, yes.

That is a relevant, important issue and topic that needs to be addressed. So then I'm like, let's talk about that because it's important. OK. So but for me, the very fact that you just shared that little bit of information about your day and what it looks like and that you're reading things and saying that right there makes it way more interesting to me. I think that's the feminine nature. really do. And as you talk about you and your notes, because I know about your notes.

Rachel Denning (13:02.113)
I'm even thinking that if with your note you included the story that brought that principle into your being or into your note makes it for me way more interesting. Then I'd have 7,000 pages of notes. And you could publish it as a book or something, right? And yeah, you're right. mean, it's...

In, we know this already, women are more interested in people and men are more interested in ideas. So in a way, that's the case. Like you're like, all I care about is this idea. I got the idea. That's all I need. And me, what I love- So my context is, me share how an idea fits into a mindset. Here's what a mindset is and we alter our mindset. This is what happens. great, what's the story behind it? I want to know the story. I'm going to have to start like, once upon a time, there was a man.

and a woman. then I'm gonna have to like... It doesn't even have to be that cutesy. It's just literally this connection to the person that helped bring this idea into your awareness.

person or the situation or the story. That to me just brings it alive. So how do you do it? I guess we come up with specifics, but like what we're going to talk about today, it's so pervasive, it's so prevalent, it has spread like wild, like a foul disease through society. It's everywhere. So in my mind, I'm like, I can't think of a specific instance. It's all over the place and it's absurd. Okay. That may be true, but at the same time, it's widespread, but it's also

specific and personified. And so in a way, if nothing else, you come up with a hypothetical pretend person who represents real people. I guess the other thing I do is I rarely store away in my memory specific instances of this individual said or did this thing. That's something I have intentionally cultivated over years. I don't hold grudges.

Rachel Denning (15:08.937)
I don't grab onto an event or something and throw somebody under the bus and leave them there and just keep backwards and forwards over top of them. I just wipe that. I have a clean slate. And you know that about me. I just have this clean slate. when I think of a principle. it because you're trying to say like this is what my wife did and I don't want to bring it up and drive over her. It's with the thousands and tens of thousands

of people I've interacted with over five continents, 60 some odd countries over last 20 years.

and there'll be a negative interaction. I'm like, that's an important principle. And I'll capture the principle without attaching it to the individual and letting it hang over their head forever. OK, but I say you could make it anonymous. You could make it. Well, I guess I'm saying I do this for myself. I just I your own for your own well-being. I just do that. Like, don't I'm not I'm not holding grudges. And I think that's what that's what's allowed me. Like people

For whatever reason, not for whatever reason, it's for trust. Because of trust, people confess things to me all the time. They tell me their deepest, darkest secrets. It is a regular occurrence in my life for people to say, hey Greg, I've never told anybody this before, but I feel like I can trust you, I wanna tell you this. And I think one of reasons is because I don't...

I don't attach it to them or their identity or like I don't keep it there. I just clean slate it. And yet there is still power in the story being connected to a person because otherwise it is just. it makes it real irrelevant. It's this free floating.

Rachel Denning (17:01.793)
Principle that's disconnected in a way. I guess the other thing is too because I do recognize that there's importance in that especially especially if the stories happen to you and you connect it to a specific person because the irony

of studying human psychology in a way is that it often involves noticing a lot of the wrong things that people do. Like the way things people, the way people do things wrong. The way they- it produces the outcome they don't want. Right. And so it in essence requires a sort of criticism. Like you have to be able to critique and criticize people's actions in order to determine how they got to the results that they have. Which you're right could turn into just

non-stop judgment of people and then if you have that judgment connected then it's almost like this

disdain or hate for people. It's a condemnation of the person instead of a criticism of the behavior. And I've been so behavior focused or again back to principles. It's in a way you're disconnecting the behavior from the person. So in a way the person is not bad it's the behavior that's bad. You're disconnecting the principle from the story.

There's gotta be a way to meld them in a healthy way. There is. Because I still personally find so much value in connecting it to... As do I. Even if we just make them anonymous Jane Doe or whoever. Yep. Because it is real stories and because these are things that are happening... Because if it happens to one person, they're not the only one. That's one thing we've learned. Like there are so many similar stories across time.

Rachel Denning (18:44.469)
that it's helpful for people to have a connection to those stories because then they're like, yeah, that's happened to me or something like that has happened to me. So yeah, I'm just voting for more of that. So make up a story right now or share one that you have thought of that gives context for our topic today?

Can you think of one? I can think of, yes, a conglomeration of stories. That's what I do. Except that you missed the story part. You just started talking about mindset, just the principle. So in my story, again, has taken from lots of different stories. But it's, in essence, the same. Let's use a young adult who

we interact with for whatever reason. It could be they come on a trip or they come to stay with us or they whatever. We meet up with their family somewhere around the world and they have this way of being in the world that's essentially like the world owes me. My parents owe me, you owe me, the restaurant owner owes me. Like everyone I interact with they somehow owe me and

taking this on a broader scale, we're also seeing this in the world that I think carries over into things like, you need to use the right pronoun, you need to refer to me this way, you need to not say anything that triggers me or offends me. It's an expansion of that sort of idea that begins in simple ways of like, I'm sorry, I don't eat that. You need to provide.

me food that I eat. there. that's where I think the bulk of our conversation will rest, at least for me today, is that line. the line that you just crossed, In that example. So I go out and like, hey, these are my preferences. And this is how I want to operate. Great. Fantastic. And so you say, I'm sorry I don't eat that. Boom. There.

Rachel Denning (20:48.669)
It's when you cross the line and say, you should accommodate my preferences, my desires, even my quote needs. And you stranger, whatever, hotel owner, restaurant operator, anyone, you should now be accommodating me and my things, my issues, my whatever. That's a line.

that in our observation should not be crossed.

And I think it's an extremely healthy mindset going back to our beliefs. And ultimately that's what it is. It's all fundamental on beliefs. What we believe and the mindset we have about how other people should, what they owe us or don't owe us and if others should accommodate us or if it's none of their business because it's my business to accommodate my own desires and needs. It's nobody else.

guess this is where I was going it's a fundamental core belief nobody else is responsible for me like I and this I we Rachel Rachel and I tell our kids this like we I've been teaching this since they were little nobody owes you anything nobody on this planet owes you anything

Like we as your mom and dad will take care of you while you're little and you literally cannot take care of yourself. But once you're to an age where you're capable of taking care of your own stuff, then you're on your own. Anything we do for you after that point is a gift. And in our experience, that is an extremely healthy mindset.

Rachel Denning (22:36.659)
It's been healthy for us as adults and it is, it's, you know, watching our kids become self-reliant and engage with the world in a way where they're, they're not entitled at all. They don't go around expecting other people to provide things for them. Right. Cause that's messed up. Yeah. It does engender this sense of self-reliance, this sense of

Gratitude. Yes for what is provided for you or done for you rather than like well, yeah, of course they should be doing they should be doing Because there's no gratitude in the well, you should be taking care of right you should be accommodating Yeah, you should be buying me the foods. I like you should be Taking me to my soccer game, know, you should never be doing things that might bother me or upset me, right? And people try to hold that on total strangers

as though strangers should be walking around like every other human and be like, I don't ever want to do anything that might offend you. Right. Or might bother you, might upset you. Like that's just craziness. And it's causing this massive division and the beginning of the unraveling of society and communities and civilizations.

So we could look at this and be like, it's a small topic. It's not that big of a deal. Or you could say, wow, this is one of the factors that will literally unravel a community and a society. Well, because if you do want to get into the bigger picture on this, in a way, it's OK. This is a little abstract maybe. But in a way, it's connected to the.

existence of free speech because if you move through the world in a way that which is happening or seeing Where people are not allowed to say things that trigger you that could make you uncomfortable make you upset Make you feel anxious or worried or depressed or unsafe or unsafe. That's being used a lot. Yeah, then

Rachel Denning (24:41.921)
Essentially, that's an assault on free speech because not that, and I'm not in no way saying people should go around intentionally trying to hurt other people or say mean things, but because of the very nature of being human and coming from completely different backgrounds, and we've experienced this a lot on our travels, by that very nature, it's inevitable.

that you are going to say something to someone else that may be offensive. Simply because you do not understand certain customs, cultures, ways of doing things, you know, and you're not perfect, you're an imperfect person, you are going to be offensive at some point, on accident. But even if you're doing it well, if you stand for certain values,

and people you interact with stand for different values, there's gonna be some chafing. There's gonna be differences. There might be some, well, there's definitely gonna be friction, but it might even be offensive. I think that's actually a good thing. Two people with different values and different, they see the world completely different, different paradigms, and they interact with each other.

there's going to be that friction there and the defensiveness. I think that's good. I think that's valuable. Which I think is in essence the foundation of free speech and the need for free speech. Yes. Because you cannot achieve understanding or compromise or agreement in anything unless you first go through a process of conflict and discussion and

I mean the process of communication can be and very often is messy and somewhat offensive sometimes. I mean this is the case in marriage, know, there and we teach this in our marriage courses and coaching and stuff like you're gonna have to have some difficult conversations with your spouse to resolve issues if you want to move forward and if you want to get closer together. You if you continue to avoid that because you don't want to be offensive or say the wrong thing.

Rachel Denning (26:58.305)
Or you just want to avoid conflict. Or just avoid conflict. You're never going to be able to have those conversations. And so it is an integral part of this entire process of free speech and communication and finding solutions. You have to be able to be offensive if necessary. Not necessarily intentionally, but to be able to say the things you need to say, to be able to think. Because also most people think

through talking. And in order to think more clearly, you have to be able to talk more freely. And so if we remove the ability to talk freely, we actually remove the ability to think and to solve problems. And so in a way, kind of what we're talking about today is that there is this danger in our families, and then of course spreading to the world, where if we have this sense of like, you need to...

make sure to make me feel safe and comfortable and not say anything that would hurt my feelings or whatever, even if that's to our children. Because especially after a certain age, it's not our job to just make sure our kids feel safe and comfortable and no one hurts their feelings. It's our job to help them learn how to move in, move through the world that is going to hurt their feelings, right? Not the other way around. Not to protect them constantly from ever being hurt or ever having something mean said to them or ever feeling anxious or depressed. No.

We give our children true strength when we teach them how to face those things and move through them rather than avoid them. And so we have to even play a little bit of that role. And I will. I'll do this with my kids. Now have to do it in an age-appropriate way, where you'll just basically say something like, no, that's not my job. Or, no, you can do that for yourself. Or that's actually annoying when you do that. So you should not do those things because.

You don't want to be annoying. You want to be a person who, and this isn't to teach to the other extreme side of like where you're just a people pleaser and a conformist, but there does need to be a degree of you not being annoying so that people want to be around you and want to spend time with you because otherwise you're going to have a very lonely, sad life if nobody likes to be around you because you're just completely annoying. But you're also on the other side, man, I want to...

Rachel Denning (29:20.575)
massively emphasize what you just taught there. We think that it is good parenting to protect and coddle and accommodate our kids. We feel like we're being good parents if, are you hurt, you offended, you feel safe or scared? Come here, come here, let me comfort you. Yeah, we think that's good parenting. It's not at all. And that's the danger, I think, especially for women.

mothers who are more nurturing, more compassionate, those virtues are extremely valuable and necessary for the survival of an infant. Infants need that unconditional comfort, compassion, nurturing in order to stay alive and to build a sense of emotional security in the world. But once they begin to get older, even as a toddler,

Yeah, even, and again, it's a tapering. Age appropriate. It's not just like black and white, cut off, now I'm cutting this off, it's tapered, weaning, but as they get older, you have to lessen that compassion if you want them to be able to survive and thrive in the world. You cannot continue that same level of compassion and nurturing and protection because otherwise,

They literally become incapable of moving through the world. So it shows up as a tantrum for a toddler. And if you're like, come here. Let me come for you. And the kid screams and yells and bites and kicks you like, come here, my poor sweet baby. it's OK. It's OK. this, I don't even know what the word is. This coddling is pandering a word. It's coming to my mind. I don't even know what that is.

but you're coddling them so much that they keep doing tantrums and then the tantrum takes on a different behavior but then it even as a teenager or an adult they're having these pity parties or anxiety attacks it's just another form of a tantrum and here comes the parent running in to rescue their poor sweet little baby that can't handle a difficult situation like nope.

Rachel Denning (31:40.073)
I am not helping you at all if I'm doing that. And so we have to, we have to draw those lines appropriately. And this is, there's an art and a science to it and some wisdom, but drawing those lines where we are leading our children through a world, like you were saying, that is going to be offensive, that is going to disagree with them. That's not going to like them at all. And is going to

attack their values and principles and their beliefs. Okay so be it. their feelings or their nobody gives a crap about your feelings. Okay let me throw that down. Nobody gives a crap about your feelings and they shouldn't. Except that we are seeing this world develop where that's now becoming the most important thing.

Well, you should be caring about my feelings because you're making me feel unsafe and so violence to me Like that is That is so naive so ignorant Completely disconnected with reality where if somebody says something that is

I don't know, it's different than my views. how, man, I get so fired up about it. Like how dare, how dare I say, you're doing violence to me because you just said something that I disagree with. Like, why in, it's the, you like to use the word, it's a luxury belief. Like it's his belief.

that would never exist. Because we the luxury of existing in a world that's safe enough that we're not literally fighting for our lives, which has been the history of most of the world, we now have the luxury to have a belief that the word someone says is now violence. Or it's somehow hurting me because they disagree with me. Now, Rachel and I were talking before we started this that we're no way advocating

Rachel Denning (34:27.541)
I don't know how to phrase it right, but there's human rights and the human rights movement, like in the United States especially. That was a wonderful thing. was a powerful thing. It's a great thing. I don't think any human being should be mistreated, dehumanized.

in any way shape or form. I don't care what your beliefs are, what your personal practices are, what your gender is, what you're the weirdest person on the planet. You should still be treated with the respect of being a human being. So I don't want to be misunderstood here. Like you're a human being. And let's just take this hypothetically. The genuinely the weirdest person on the planet.

Okay should still be treated as a human being right those those fundamental rights are never threatened but To go in and have an open dialogue with like bro. That's weird. What you're doing is just weird. It's not

helpful. It's not helping society. It's not helping you. That is just strange and it's not producing real results that have just been proven over tens of thousands of years to be effective for a healthy happy life. We've got to be able to have those conversations. think that one of this is kind of strange in a way to me but one of the

side effects of this train of thought, because I've seen it play out in different scenarios, is this misunderstanding that because in a way you shouldn't judge people, because in essence that's kind of what it is, it's like I have my version of who I am in this world, you shouldn't judge me, whatever I say, you know, if I say I'm a cat or I say I'm a man, you just need to accept that.

Rachel Denning (36:34.827)
That's also leading to this thing where, okay, you you say that and I can't judge you, which also means I'm now not judging whether or not you're a dangerous person. You could be a serial killer. And now because we're not allowed to judge, you know, if you're dressed up like a woman and you want to come into the women's bathroom or you want to go where women are and molest or kill or whatever, like, we're not allowed to judge that anymore.

the whole Black Lives Matter movement too. Like there are legit people who, they are black, it was in the news, there was this big Black Lives Matter supporter, and because of that, they allowed a black person, and that's irrelevant, that was dangerous, a dangerous person, into their apartment, who then ended up killing them.

I don't care if you're black, white, brown, whatever. There are certain people that are dangerous and there are certain people who are not dangerous. But if you simply look at the color of the skin or the gender or their pronouns and then now deem them as being innocent or...

It's arrested. Like you have to protect or take care of them. You've now put yourself in danger because they could be a dangerous person. Right. So it's an idea that on the basis is good, but it gets twisted and distorted and you think, I don't want to be judgmental. Right. I don't want to be.

I don't want to be prejudiced so I'm not going to judge and then you invite absolute violence and horror into your life because you don't want to judge. Because if you remove the idea of judging on merit, which is now considered like a white privilege or a patriarchal idea, well then I can't judge you and determine whether or not you're a safe person or someone I want to be around because I'm simply judging you on even though I say I'm not judging.

Rachel Denning (38:35.637)
the color of your skin. So, you're black? That means you're safe. Well, it's interesting now, we're societally totally allowed to judge white men. Well, right. But everybody else is judgment free. When in the reality is, have learned through traveling throughout the world in every country with every color, everywhere there are safe people and there are dangerous people. And we're talking about like,

Actually literally safe and dangerous like they would harm your body or your life like that's safer dangerous Yeah, so you have to learn to be able to judge those characteristics as opposed to sticking to the narrative of like but if they're black or they're Latino or whatever they're safe because they're a minority and they're protected

We're kind of on a tangent here, but I feel like it's important because it's this line of thinking that can lead, like we're not looking at where this line of thinking is going. It's leading to dangerous places because we're not using our full cognitive abilities to be able to make wise judgments. Exactly. So it's all getting muddled. chew on this, you guys. I'm going let you.

think about this one i think we should judge i think judging is actually a really good thing i think it's important. in the bible judge not lest you be not judged. Well so unless you be judged right well i and i've studied that a lot and it's basically it saying like the way you judge is how you're going to be judged great so you know i i didn't see anywhere it says don't judge at all it just says judge in a way that that you'd be willing to be judged

That's at least what I saw from it and that's what I want to teach here is like. You're comfortable being judged in the way that you judge others. right. And so I think it's important to judge. I really sincerely do and I want to teach my children to judge. And there's this idea of like universal acceptance. No way. No way in the world. I do not believe in universal acceptance and everyone should be accepted. No, they shouldn't. There's some sickos that should not be accepted. There's some weirdos.

Rachel Denning (40:47.019)
There's some really unhealthy, toxic people and ideas that should not be accepted and say, sorry, you're not invited here. You're not included. You're not welcome. And yes, I'm passing judgment. Now, I'm not just saying blanket judgments, just tossing them out there off your fears and worries and your own limited reality. Judge with wisdom. Really perceive and understand and assess.

in a good healthy way. That's what I'm talking And I know that we shared this before, but I feel that it's relevant, especially if people haven't listened to previous episodes. We started on that path of not judging. And then we went through our whole little hippie phase of, know, there are no bad people in the world. I literally remember believing that, believing that, no, there's no bad people. And I've heard people, I've heard other hippie type people or.

You know, truth seekers, whatever you want to call them. And I'm not that's again, not a judgment. It's just a different way of living. I've heard them say those things to me. There are no bad people in the world. They're just people that are misguided or they have less light or whatever. And I'm here to say like, yeah, I used to believe that until bad things happen to our family and our children. And I'm like, no, there are bad people out there. Absolutely. And yeah, they're they are lost and they have less light and they have a whole history that's led to that.

That does not change the fact that my children should stay clear away from them because they are dangerous. So that, guess, I think is ultimately the point here of like we have to be able to judge in order to be safe. We have to be able to judge in order for us to individually be healthy, like, you know, mental health. We even in our devotional talked about this morning about how easily it is to kind of

My, son was using this word social commit, this phrase, social chameleon. It's easy to be a social chameleon. And if your children hang out with people who are anxious or depressed or want to be trans or a furry, whatever, that's like, those types of ideas are contagious and they can pick up on those. And so we have to judge in order to maintain our own wellbeing, our own sanity, our own individuality, our own health.

Rachel Denning (43:12.201)
Because ultimately, that's the point. The point is we're supposed to be here living a healthy, happy life. And there are ways to achieve that that are very clearly spelled out. And that's what we want to be teaching. So coming back to the point of this discussion here, part of the problem of this is allowing ourselves and our children to pick up on these ideas of like, well, yeah, the world should be conforming to me.

The world should be conforming to my friend who's a cat. The world should be conforming to XYZ. No, it shouldn't. There are laws and truths that exist in the world just like there is gravity. None of us are going around denying gravity. But we are denying laws that are just as real as gravity. And then trying to pretend like.

It's my own truth. My own truth is there's no gravity. So I'm going to fly up this building. No, you're not. You're going to fall, and it's going to hurt at the bottom. And just because the consequences don't seem to be that quick and obvious doesn't mean that they're not there. And that they won't come, because they're coming. won't come. They are coming. We've lived in a time period. seeing it play out. Just another tangent on it, or just another thing about this.

Even the fact that some of the most recent evidence about school shooters show that many of them, one, often, like, they're often a furry or they're some other interesting thing going on about, you know, whatever. And weird sexual orientation. And they're on this one specific drug that's meant to help treat them. And it's a drug.

that now has been linked to multiple school shootings and yet that information doesn't come out because

Rachel Denning (45:14.547)
it's violence to the trans community. I've literally read that headline, like, we don't want this out because it does violence to the trans community. Well, hello, I don't want school shootings. So whose rights are more important here, right? Like, this is the kind of long-term consequences of this open thinking, know, so open where your brain is falling out.

That's a good example of actual violence. Somebody pulling the trigger and killing innocent people versus perceived violence of like, you're saying things that might hurt our feelings. Yeah, exactly. but things are happening that are hurting and killing kids. So there's a real problem. And I think so much of this, so much of the violence, the evil, the horrendous things that are happening is because nobody wants to stand up and judge. Nobody wants to speak out and be perceived as

bigoted or narrow-minded or homophobic or whatever all the labels they have a label for everything now if you want to stand up and say no here here are some solid values here are some solid principles here are some things that just work and some things that just don't work and we need to have a clear honest open conversation nobody wants to do that or very few because they're afraid they're afraid of you know being labeled or all these things on so I'm not gonna judge I'm not gonna speak up because I don't want to hurt anyone feeling anyone's feelings but

The reality is we all, and so you listener, this is kind of why we're having this conversation today. I want to encourage you to speak up, to stand up in a kind but firm way. I'm not, no way advocating being mean or rude or disrespectful to people. You can still have respect, but stand your ground. It's like coming from a heart of peace versus a heart of war. There's a great book, the anatomy of peace. It's that sort of idea. Like you can speak truth.

I'm not, I'm specifically not saying your truth. Don't speak your truth because I don't care about that. Speak the truth. But you can do it from a heart of peace. And I want to also emphasize that, you know, this starts at home. And it starts in small ways, kind of like the things we were talking about before. It starts by saying like, no, I'm not a shorter cook. I'm not going to just make you whatever you want, child. Like, here's the dinner we're having. You can eat it or you can go hungry.

Rachel Denning (47:35.605)
And we think like, well, that's not a big deal. I'm just accommodating my kids. That's not your job. Your job is not to accommodate your children. Your job is to teach your children how to be more gritty, how to be more resilient, how to be tougher, how to handle things. And the more we accommodate our children, the weaker we make them. And so even good people with the best intentions in the world

with a pure heart are inadvertently weakening their children and making them potential victims. And if not victims of violence or abuse or whatever, they're making them victims of mental illness or.

Social ineptitude. mean, yeah all of it. They're unable to function in a real society. Yeah, so you're raising a bunch of naive babies That they stay that way the teens and young adults and look around I look around the proofs in the pudding right here like there's a bunch of naive babies and they are so susceptible to collapsing and being crushed by Anything and everything is just knocking them over and they're on the ground the fetal position crying for help. What happened?

Somebody said something mean on my social media channel and now I'm going to crawl back into bed for the next six days because I can't function like what in the world have we done as a society where grown adults can't function in the normal happenings of human life? And this is in no way because I love to make this distinction. This is in no way discounting stress, anxiety, depression.

Like all of those things are normal human emotions. You and I have felt those things. We feel those things. But the point is feeling anxious and then having anxiety is a totally separate. One is an emotion you feel, you move through it, you deal with it, you handle it, you move on. The other, it becomes a part of your identity and then it literally cripples you because you can't do anything because you have anxiety.

Rachel Denning (49:55.711)
You have panic attacks. That's a very, OK, going back to mindset, that's a very different mindset. That's the type of mindset that makes you a victim to normal human emotions. When the whole point of what we're trying to talk about and emphasize here is that you have to teach your children that this is life.

Life is messy. Life is scary. Life is risky. Life is all of these things. And the only way you're going to make it is if you get tougher. Me protecting you, you protecting yourself, you avoiding all of the things that scare you and frighten you and crush you is not going to do it. You cannot expect the world to accommodate you. You have to learn how to accommodate yourself.

And to make yourself more capable and more competent. Otherwise, you're weak and underdeveloped. And you remain that way because the only way to actually develop is to do that process, to gain more grit and more strength and more confidence by actually facing the things that scare you or crush you or make you anxious or depressed. that's how you...

build more strength. it's, I don't know, I mean, it's crazy because, again, there's lots of levels here, right? We've touched on a lot of things. Everything from picking us over food to trends or being furry, right? Like there's so many levels here. I'm trying to say in a way, they're kind of all connected. It's like a spectrum, right? There's an entire spectrum here.

from one extreme to the other, but they're all the same stick, right? There's the whole saying, like, if you pick up one end of the stick, you pick up the other. And on every spectrum, there's always the risk. Another way of thinking it is a pendulum. There's always the risk of you swinging too far to one side. Now, I'm not saying if your kids pick you about food that they might become a furry. I'm not saying that. But I'm saying that there's definitely a connection, at least especially in society.

Rachel Denning (52:16.885)
We've picked up that stick and now we're swinging all the way to the other side. I'm wondering how did this happen? Why did this happen? I just looked up the word pander because it kept coming to my mind. To pander is to indulge or gratify. So we're pandering to our kids and it starts with little things like, don't want to eat that. okay. What do you want to eat? they're like, well, I just want to eat cookies. Okay. And then they're buying cookies all the time. They're like, why are you buying cookies for your kids? Well, it's because they want cookies.

Now I think that that's an extreme example because... And yet it's extremely common is what it is. Because no parent who's trying to be a good parent would say, I'm gonna let my kid eat cookies for dinner. I see it all the time. Okay, maybe it's happening. But there are definitely parents out there who are like, no, I'm not gonna give my kids cookies for dinner. But they will be like, but they'll only eat mac and cheese. Or they'll only eat whatever their food is, right?

That's all they'll eat. And I'm like, I don't freaking care if that's all they'll eat. They can go hungry. If you're not going to eat the healthy food I So like a kid, they only eat cold cereal. They only have Froot Loops for breakfast when you're and we hear that all the time. They'll be like, well, my kids won't eat whatever. They only eat this. Stop feeding them then. Stop buying the food. Watch what happens. Because I've seen it. The reason I can say this is because I have seen it. Every kid will be as picky as you allow them to be.

And I have seen my kids. That's important. It's true. I've seen my kids, especially because we have traveled a lot. My kids are way pickier when we're at home with more options. When we're out and there's literally nothing else to eat, they will eat anything. I've seen it. They've eaten sheep brains and raw radishes and like all kinds of weird things because that was available. And those who didn't want to eat it, great. They went hungry. none of them have died. Good fasting.

But that's the sort of idea, I guess. It starts in small ways like that. Like stop pandering, exactly, the perfect word, to all of their needs. Well, not even their needs. All of their wants. little preferences. Or the things they save are needs, right? Because it's not true. Right. So coming full circle then, like this is the mindset and the belief that we want to invite you to kind of mull around and even adopt. Like the world, no but.

Rachel Denning (54:44.019)
Nobody should be expected to accommodate and pander your sensitivities. Your preferences, food issues. We've met a lot of adults and then a lot of young adults and teens especially, like it's really prevalent among that group, but a lot of adults as well. They go on a trip, they go on a tour, they go on an event.

They go wherever, a hotel or a restaurant. come on our trips. Yeah, they go anywhere. And they'll do it in email, messages, phone calls, when they get there, whatever. And they're like, you're accommodating me, right? And they don't say those words, but they show up and say, I have this thing. And you're going to make sure I don't get anything out of your way to provide something different. Right. And to me, I'm like, hell I am.

Like you show up with your thing, that's your thing. Now I have preferences, you have preferences. There are tons of things we will not eat. So if Rachel and I sign up for, let's say we sign up for some event or tour and we go on the tour and there's some meals provided on that tour. Here's what I'm going to do as an autonomous, self-reliant person.

I'm going to reach out and say, hey, would you mind sharing what's on the menu for those days that we're eating with the group? And they're like, yeah, we're having mac and cheese and French fries and potato chips and soda. That's what's going to be available for lunch. Okay. Now, none of which will eat. I'm not going to consume a single bite of that. And so I'd be like, okay, thanks for letting me know. Just so you're aware, Rachel and I won't be eating those meals. And then what are we going to do?

We're going to bring food that we eat. Because those are my preferences. We may not even say we won't be eating those meals unless they needed us to confirm. It's a courtesy to them to say, hey, just heads up, because I know you're planning, and you're doing this work, and you're trying to budget. I realize you're doing this whole thing. I will not require you to accommodate my preferences. I'll say, hey, won't be eating those things. We'll figure something else out. And the responsibility is on me. It's mine. So I'm going to bring a steak and some eggs.

Rachel Denning (57:09.185)
And I'm going to figure out how to eat what I eat and not impose my sensitivities or preferences or whatever on some event planner. Yeah, because we have been leading trips for a long time. We have seen it because, yeah, there's all every sort of food issue out there. again, it's not that we're talking about the food issues per se. We're talking about this as an example of a mindset. And we have.

Initially we used to try to accommodate those things, but then over time because of this belief that like that's not the way the world operates, right? It's this idea that we're trying to teach of you are responsible. If you have health problems or health concerns or food issues or food preferences, that is your responsibility to take care of, not mine, right? And that

Ultimately is that's the mindset we move through the world with like we don't go to other countries expecting them to You know accommodate our way of doing anytime. We have done that it doesn't go well because That's not how the world works You know if you go to another country, and they do see things a certain way You have to learn how to deal with that even if it that's extremely frustrating or inconvenient for you. That's just the world That's just how it is and so the more

we do that, the more we become self-reliant, the better experience we have, the better mental health we have, the better outcomes and results that we have. Exactly. So our family has become of necessity, of force, and we learned this the hard way going out traveling. And basically what it does is like we kept having reality checks. Yeah. We like things this way, and you're like, well, that's not even available in this country. Well, that's what I like.

So what? You should be providing this for me. Why doesn't your country do things more like my country? Like, no, it doesn't. No, it doesn't work like that. So you have all these reality checks. And so we could have like, fine, we're done traveling. Right. Because other countries don't do things like my home country. So we're not traveling anymore. Like that's just it's just being a baby. It's absurd. It's absolutely absurd. And so what what we do is like, well, let's be more flexible.

Rachel Denning (59:36.104)
Let's adapt. Let's be more creative. Agile. Yeah, let's figure out how to solve this problem to our liking since that's our job. It's our job to solve the deal with it even if we don't like it. Like this is what's available. You're like, this tastes like garbage. Food's an easy example. Show you what it tastes like garbage. It's not harmful to my body, but I don't like it. But that's what's available. Let's eat it. Or whatever the thing is.

And it has been so beneficial for our whole family. We've become more developed, more mature, more autonomous, more creative, more flexible. Like our kids just roll with whatever. Even to the point now with my teens, I've taken them out and we have intentionally done extremely, extremely hard things.

putting ourselves into situations. Well, okay, we either deliberately put ourselves into situations or we go out to have an adventure and you know, as happens in adventures, things just fall apart. And I remember one night with my son, I was like, hey, we have three hours to sleep and the only thing available is the dirt. And it was pretty muddy and nasty and there's rocks or this little patch of concrete. Well, let's take the concrete.

No complaining, nothing. We laid down and passed out. We gonzo for three solid, precious, wonderful hours on concrete. Right? And it was great. Not a single complaint, nothing. And there was other times like, okay, well here's man, our only option is will this happen in February? Like, okay, we can stay here or it's 10 miles.

walking on a and we're hurting and sick yeah infections vomiting our son like we can stay or we can do 10 miles he's like let's do the 10 miles and so we just grind and well there's a lot more to that story it was it was a long hard exhausting week and day it wasn't just get up fresh you know rejuvenated let's do 10 miles it was after just absolutely being spent and say well what do you do 10 miles okay let's do it

Rachel Denning (01:01:59.073)
And that's, at least for our family, that's how we want to roll. That's how we want to be. We want all nine of us in our family and those who join our family to be tough, to be self-reliant, to be gritty and flexible. And I'm going to keep coming up with adjectives. And this is in no way discounting individual desires or preferences because all of us still have very strong

desires, preferences, like we've already said, diets. It's not like we've removed all of that and we no longer have this personal identity as though we're just like, yeah, whatever happens, happens. You know, that's not what we're trying to say. We're not trying to say you should lose your personality or your interests or your preferences or whatever. What we're trying to say is that the healthiest way to approach that is to be like, I'm the one responsible for providing those things for myself.

Not the world is responsible to provide that for me. know, because you you could move through the world in a way where you're like, well, because the story you shared about, well, both the stories you shared were, part of that was being in a group. You were with a group. It had a group leader. It had, you know, whole structure. You could have just been like, I'm sorry.

I can't sleep on concrete. You need to provide something comfortable with me. is unacceptable. Because this is unacceptable. Right? Or same with the hiking out. That was on Kilimanjaro. You could have said to the group leader, this is unacceptable. I need you to get me off this mountain. But that's not the way we operate. And that results in not just better outcomes and more personal strength, but more grit.

capability and more like everything just gets better. You become a better person and being better people is just naturally better for the world. Society is going to be better when we're all better people. The world is going to be better when we're all better people and so to me it's just clear that the other pathway is not the right pathway because it's none of us is in any doubt of the situation of the world. No one is saying yeah

Rachel Denning (01:04:22.827)
We've got really great outcomes right now, you know? There's not a mental health crisis and people aren't committing suicide in higher rates than ever. The world's in a mess. And so the only conclusion is, well, the current way of doing things has got us there. And so our invitation essentially is in the smallest ways even, beginning in our own homes, it's like, let's turn this around. Let's stop being so accommodating. Let's stop being so...

sheltering and protective in the wrong ways that are producing feeble, fragile little beings that can't even grow up and become adults and function properly. They can't go to school. can't join the military. They can't do service missions. There's all these things they can't do because they don't

the capability and the reason they don't have the capability is because they are fragile because they've been protected and accommodated and pandered to too much. Yep and this is true for for those of us listening here and and for our kids and so we have this responsibility to to operate differently. I want to share this quote our daughter shared this quote from George Bernard Shaw this morning in our little family group chat he said

This is the true joy of life. The being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. So you have a purpose and it's a mighty purpose. Like you're actually chasing something. It's a noble aim. You have an aim. You're going somewhere. You're doing something that actually matters. And I love that he says it's a mighty one. It's not like my life purpose. Make it through the day. Yeah, exactly. And I come across this so much. get to speak to groups all the time.

Okay, what are your big goals? And they're like, make it through my math class. you're like, come on. Like have you ever even been exposed to a big goal? And sometimes they haven't been. Right. And you know, I hear this from moms a lot too. And I get it because I remember being there too. But I think that's part of the problem and the reason why moms have a hard time making it through the day because that's their biggest vision.

Rachel Denning (01:06:45.747)
And for me, I found that when I had a bigger vision of like, okay, I don't want to just make it through the day. I want to have a great time with my kids. I want to be contributing to a bigger goal of like what we're trying to create as a family and who I'm trying to help them to, you know, I'm trying to help them reach their potential, all these other things. That's a bigger goal, a bigger aim that makes making it through the day. Seemed like nothing. Easy.

Well, and you're like, during that day, I'm also going to study a language and I'm also going to practice my musical instrument. I'm going to my kids study their languages and we're to do some service and we're going to get a workout in and like, that's it. Let me, let me pause here for a little analogy that I came up with years ago. I remember meeting some people who were doing ultra marathons or the Ironman. Yep. Triathlons. These, these full triathlons.

And these guys, like I know a gentleman who he runs 33 miles every morning. Let that sink in. 33 miles every morning. And to a guy like that, what's a 5K? He's nothing. It's the slightest warm up. Where to some people, a 5K might kill them. And what we think is, man, that guy's so lucky.

He's so tough and I wish I wish I was like that. It's like the only difference is training. He just went out and trained. And the vision of what he's he was going. Exactly. Right. So he's training for this race called the last man standing where what it is is you just start running and you run and run and run until you're the last man standing. And he won one a few years ago. It was 96.

Rachel Denning (01:08:39.073)
It was either 96 miles or 96 hours. can't remember. probably not 96 miles. No, no, they do. Like, 100 mile races are common. Well, I guess that's I'm saying because that's so easy for them. Well, yeah, right. too short. Yeah, yeah. So I think it was 96 hours maybe. don't know. Whatever. It was a crazy long time. You guys can look this up. This is the last man standing. So if, but again, in just my head, if I go, so with the quote, says, the purpose is a mighty one. If I think.

one day I'm gonna run two miles. Well then I think doing 100 yards is gonna be tough. But if I think I'm gonna run 100 miler, then what's a marathon? What's a marathon to 100 miler? It's a quarter of the way. You kidding me? It's a quarter of the way. So it puts everything in perspective. Well, and the point is that we can use this same type of thinking for something like.

motherhood. You know, we think it's not related. It is. And how you think about what it is you're achieving as a mother, if your whole goal is to make it through the day and make sure your kids are alive and they have food, every day is going to be a struggle. Because that's your goal is just to make it through. Where if you have a larger, bigger, mightier vision, well, yeah.

you're going to easily make it through the day and of course everyone's going to be alive and fed and groomed and happy because you have a bigger vision that you're working on achieving and that just comes more easily exactly so the comparison there you're training for a marathon so 5k is nothing yeah so surviving the day it's nothing it's a warm-up whatever same thing for fatherhood I mean these guys are here from these guys like I had work all day today

And then I came home and my wife, she had the audacity to want me to like take care of some things. And then my kids wanted to play. I ain't nobody can do that. I'm like, are you kidding me? What'd you do at work? We, I sit at my desk and like type on the typewriter and stuff or on my keyboard and type my keyboard and like, I like fixing things. like, that just wiped you out. It wiped you out to work eight hours at a desk job.

Rachel Denning (01:11:01.761)
and fix a couple things for your wife and play with your kids. Are you kidding me? This is where I get so fired up about this. Like no, like where's this vision, this mighty vision where you're like, no, I'm gonna be absolutely lean, mean, fighting machine with massive amounts of energy to crush it at work and at home and do everything that needs to be done and still have more energy. If the neighbor needs some help, I'm there.

Let's go. there's a natural disaster. Let's I'm in. Like we've got to step it up. Okay. Back to the George Bernard shock. Well, he being used for a purpose, recognized by yourself as a mighty one, the being a force of nature.

in a good way, right? So on the only thing I wear, I don't do any like jewelry or necklaces or anything. I have a a little, bracelet I had made that says G F F G and it stands for be a great force for good. And it's this way he's talking about to be a force of nature and buddy contrasted. And this is what I love instead of a feverish, selfish little quad of ailments and grievances.

complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you

Yeah, that's exactly what we're talking about. surprises it. And it turns out that there was people like that in Shaw's days too. Yeah. Like he must have noticed that there were feverish, selfish little clods of ailments and grievances complaining that the world would not devote itself to making you happy. Which ultimately is what we're saying. It's like don't expect the world to accommodate you and teach your kids not this way. They're like the world's not there to serve you. Nobody's there to serve you.

Rachel Denning (01:12:52.949)
Honestly, in reality, nobody gives a crap about you or your dreams or your feelings. And they shouldn't. It's not their responsibility. It's yours. And so if we're going to be tough and healthy and happy and autonomous and self-reliant, then we got to take responsibility for our own thoughts, our beliefs, our mindsets, our actions, our behaviors, our habits, and take ownership of our lives.

If I want something a certain way, I'll make it that way. If it can't be done, then okay. Do without, do without. Yeah. But I'll be hungry and I'll be tired. So what, what do you do? Lean in. Like we, is, it's an important, reality check and a mindset shift that will help our families be way healthier, happier and stronger. Okay. That's it. Done. Good.

Love it. Thanks you guys. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being here. Thanks for listening. Thanks for caring. Kudos to you for, for being people who are striving to be conscious and to be yourselves assets to humanity and to raise kids that are conscious and aware and good. Those efforts are not wasted. So keep

keep on this great work. It's a mighty one. Love you guys. Reach upward