#294 How to Get Your Kids to Listen

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. We are your host, Greg and Rachel Denning. Rachel is back. I was sad and lonely for like a whole week. She went. don't know if anyone knew I was gone. She went with our daughter and our daughter's friend and Rachel's mom and went and explored Ireland and had an amazing time. All these beautiful places and things. While she was gone, I spent the entire week.

doing everything I could to impress her. It worked actually. Worked like a champ. He made me a wooden table. He installed an outlet in my bathroom because this place in Portugal did not have an outlet in the bathroom. And I finished my sauna. Oh you finished the sauna. Yes. Oh it was awesome. I a great, I mean I got a lot of stuff done. I was working with the kids and... It was New Year's break. Oh yeah happy New Year everybody.

It's a new year, a new fresh start. So whatever 2024 was for you, successes or failures, celebrate the wins, whatever they were, um, learn from the losses or the mistakes and failures, whatever those were. But whatever you do, my friends, whatever you do, do not just remain where you are. That's one of the worst things we can do in life is just sit down and stay there. Um, it's like, I think it was John Wayne that said,

Even if you're on the right track, if you just sit there, you'll get run over. It's like, you got to get up and move. And in 25 plus years of voraciously studying peak performance and human development, I found that the best course of action is to commit to change, to commit to level up. So do not stay where you are. Well, it's very interesting because our 17-year-old, who's actually going to be 18 tomorrow,

She received a question from a friend someone that's been on trips with us and stuff and they were asking like hey I start out the year Setting goals. I'm all excited. I'm on fire, but three to four months in I essentially lose motivation I lose Drive I forget and so they're asking her like what do you do? How do you stay motivated? How do you actually achieve your goals and she gave a response? This was on our Ireland trip that I thought was great. In fact, I made a reel out of it with the caption

Greg Denning (02:59.445)
And one of the things she said that really stuck out to me, which is very true, it's something we teach, is that you essentially have to make it your way of being. I think that's where you really begin to succeed in achieving your goals is when you're not, it's not just about obtaining the goal, it's about enjoying the process. It's about.

Making it part of your habits your daily routine your daily life So it's not just like I'm gonna lose this amount of weight or I'm gonna make this amount of money It's like this becomes a part of your daily rhythm your daily routine of healthy eating exercising Adding value to the world building a business like it's it's just its identity and a of being right so so if I wanted to switch if I'm if I'm Let's say I was smoking and I wanted to stop smoking the

The first and most important thing I do is change my identity of like, don't It's not like I'm trying to quit smoking. It's like, I don't smoke. I'm not a smoker. don't do And people will be oh, you want some? No, I don't smoke. Yeah. They're like, hold up. Last week I saw you smoke. Yeah, I don't smoke. And it's not like I'm stopping, I'm quitting, I'm taking a break. It's like, I don't do that. Or if it's something new, like, oh yeah, I work out every day. I do this.

You've worked out a day in your life. And this is going to come from your own family. Your closest family and friends are going to be the ones like, what? Who do you think you are? You're like, that's who I am. I'm a new person. I am a new person. That is awesome and powerful. But it's also just like enjoying the process along the way. Because the other thing is too, if you take on too many goals and you make it too big and too much, then it's not sustainable. And then of course, you're going to get like, that's just natural. You're going to give up.

It's not that we succeed more in achieving our goals because we have more discipline or willpower or whatever. I mean, yeah, we do. We've developed that, but really, no, it's cultivated. Really. The key is the habits. We've made them into habits so that and they're sustainable habits. We're not writing systems that make it easy. Yeah, we're not. We're not working 27 hours. Of course, that's an extreme exaggeration. 27 hours a day is how Rachel gets things done. Right. Right. But you know what saying?

Greg Denning (05:13.771)
I'm not putting in 27 hour days to get everything done, because that's obviously not possible or sustainable. What I'm achieving is doable. It's obtainable because it's a part of the journey. It's a part of the process. I make it enjoyable. All of those are the keys to actually achieving your goals, rather than this elusive thing people think about what it is. It's really not. Love it. Anyways, that's our little

Goal setting bit for 25. it. Make this your year. We're going to talk about more about parenting and leading our kids, raising our families. And man, I'm so crazy excited. We have a new parenting course coming out that is going to be so transformative and asking, answering your questions and giving you the tools and strategies, the systems to actually make it work and get the results you want. So excited for that. But

as we're leaning into this new year, just commit, commit to make this the best year of your life. Well, we do that every year. Yeah, exactly. Every year. Every year should be the best year of our life. it then just keeps getting better and better. Yeah. That's the way to do it. Okay, let's go. So this is a continuation from last time. Well, okay, wait. I have to explain because last time I actually asked our assistant, last week I asked our assistant to publish one of our...

coaching sessions taken from our 28 day challenge, because we meet every week with my 28 day challenge group. She took one of those sessions and published it as a podcast. So that's last episode. The episode before that was where we had answered a bunch of questions that we had received and was really good. In fact, it was very long. Two hours. Two hours. And we weren't even halfway through.

So we said, we're going to continue this. Because it's so good. Because it's very good. So we are going to continue it. I do need to clarify here, and I think that this is important. And we should probably say this every time, but we forget, of course. And that's simply like, even if you send us a question, because we want you to send questions, every one of you. We want you to send questions. We want you to be living your life and be like, well, what about this? Or what about that? We want those questions.

Greg Denning (07:38.971)
Answering the questions. We're not just talking to you. We're talking to the hundreds or thousands of other people that we've Coached interacted with where we thought yeah that applies here. Also. I'm also going to present You know, I'm gonna talk about that as well. So not just to you It's about everyone we know of and have heard of and everyone who listens all of you who are listening Yeah, because so many questions the vast majority of questions are like kind of meta questions, meaning

They work for a lot of people. There are things that many, many people are dealing with. We often feel like, this is just us. This is just my problem. No, there's lots of people dealing with this on different levels and in different ways. But in many ways, it's just the same challenge. Can I emphasize that for a minute? I'm surprised how often in coaching somebody brings something up. And you can tell they're kind of just hesitant. They bring it up, and they finally confess it. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I hear that all the time. They're like, what?

Like you do? Like yeah, I'm like every high achiever or every entrepreneur, like every go getter, like yeah. Like what? And they often are like, man, makes me, it actually makes me, it's kind of comforting to hear that I'm not the only guy struggling with this. I'm like, yeah, that's a very common thing with, know, if you, if you have this tendency or you're pursuing this goal or you're, having this challenge or you're married, like if you have children, like there's, there's these common things. And often we feel like we're isolated, like we're the only one.

And so when you guys ask these great questions, like, yes, that's a common theme, you articulate it well, let's expound on it and give tools to everybody who's listening. Right, and so we are giving answers that apply to, and you know, we might have certain people in mind or certain circumstances or situations we've seen, and so we're talking to this one and this one and this one and this one. It's not just, you know, one person we've got in mind. It's all of these scenarios we've got in mind. And we also... Well, I guess that's why we do podcasts.

Because if it's a very specific question for a very specific person, then we just make a little video or an email and we just send it right back. And say, that's really isolated. But whenever a question comes in, you're like, wow, we've got to talk about this because it's so common. And it's relevant to multiple people. so when we're... We also love to do... Because we talk about this in our coaching, essentially, we're trying to give you tools. And what that looks like is you're going to have a lot of different...

Greg Denning (10:04.167)
Like if you're gonna have a hammer and a screwdriver and a drill and you know xyz all the all the tools there are we want to give you as many tools as possible and so when we're doing the podcast when we're coaching We're throwing out a lot of tools right. We're like, here's the question Here's the answer which is multiple tools It's your job to decide which tool is right for your situation because not all of them are gonna be right some of them, you know

You might think, why'd you give me a screwdriver when I'm trying to hammer in some nails? We're like, well, no, that's an option, but you've got to pick which tool is going to work for you. So we're throwing out lots of tools when we're answering these questions. We're not just saying, hey, you need to use all of these tools. They're all for you to do this thing. That's overwhelming. We're like, here's options. Pick the best one for you. And we'll talk more about that today. We have proper application of tools and systems. Yeah, exactly. OK, so.

I really can only just jump in because there's no way I can go back and review. There was so much and it was two hours worth. Go listen to that episode. So I'm going to just start here. Where's the balance between preparing our kids for the realities they will face, which will require them to get uncomfortable at times, and keeping them in a nice, safe, mental place? Now, I just want to... Here we go.

Starting right off, I wanted to say something about this because I actually do not see those in any way contradictory. In fact, I feel that it's necessary for our children to have great mental health. In order for our children to have great mental health, it is necessary for them to get uncomfortable. Absolutely. Like this whole idea that's now prevalent in the woke mind virus is that

in order for me to be safe and have good mental health, I need to be protected. I should not be offended. I should not be uncomfortable. That actually doesn't work. That is actually the opposite of good psychology. In order for you to have good, strong psychology and mental health, you have to be uncomfortable sometimes. That's just how it works. Absolutely. It's actually one of the ingredients to a great mental, emotional health.

Greg Denning (12:26.023)
is being uncomfortable. And so those those things go together. But I get where the question is coming from and I understand the the approach. And I think because I've heard it from so many different people, it's like, well, no, want my I want my kids to be safe and comfortable and not feel like they're always stressed or or I don't want to be. And here's we're going to get into this. It's I think it's because the way we approach this has to be done so well if.

If I think that as the parent, I have to be the one putting pressure on my kid, that's that is a dangerous. Yeah, it's a dangerous approach. It's a dangerous tactic. Because you think, well, OK, my kids need to be ready for whatever life can throw at them. True. They need to be able to handle stress and pressure. True. They need to be gritty and tough. True.

So then if I go, so that means it's my job to make them that way. Kind of true. It's my responsibility and your responsibility as parents to facilitate the experiences and cultivate that growth. But it's not my job to do the training. I want to inflict the pressure, pain or stress, right? Like, my kids are gonna be tough. I'm going to beat him. Like, that's not going to turn out so well. So

I learned something by some super high level dog training. I would go to this trainer and he's training my dog to do protection work. And I was asking him like, want to, I want to really, you know, I want to speed up this process and, can I do the training? He's like, no. Like the last thing in the world you want is to train your dog to attack you. Like you don't put on the, the bite suit.

and get your dog all aggravated and upset at you. Like you're the owner. Right. Like you're the one giving the command to attack. Like because in my mind I'm like this would be awesome. I want to put the the attack suit on. want to I want to get out there and fight with my dog and I want to you know I because that's cool to me. Right. He's like bro you're the last person that ever should be put on a suit. And he tell me these examples of these owners who wanted to train their dogs.

Greg Denning (14:45.077)
Well, they were training their dogs to attack them. Right. And so then there was obviously some some bad moments when you give the command. The dogs like, wait a minute, like I have hundreds of times, hundreds of times whenever you give that command, I bite you. Right. And so you're like, go and he bites him like, yeah. So it's like you're you're not the one. And as I learned that from that situation, I do. I like that analogy. Now, of course, first of all, people might be like, what? This is a thing. You actually train dogs to attack people, you know?

So that right there is a crazy idea, but it is a thing. There's a whole industry for that of high level, you know, protection dog training, but that's a very insightful take on that. I'm not the guy. never supposed to be the guy that the dog is attacking. And this work, the next level of that is because the guy attacking is purposely adding stress to the dog. Right. So he'll bring umbrellas or sticks or

things to scare the dog or smack the dog, he's covering his eyes. He's purposely putting stress on the dog and training the dog to handle it. I don't want to be the one putting stress on the dog. Like I want the dog to be comforted with me. Yeah, he's protecting me. So when I'm out there with my dog with Poseidon, he comes over and he puts his back hip against my leg. That's his source of comfort and reassurance. And then while the...

trainer's putting lots of stress on the dog I'm sitting there touching him saying good boy good job and he's under intense stress like he's being scared and and kind of hit and and just die just everything noises screaming yelling covering his eyes and and besides got his hip touch just barely touching me and so he feels so anchored and securities feel like I'm good I'm doing the right thing this is great that

For parenting. For the parenting here. Now don't take this the wrong way people of course. Let's apply this in the right way but the idea is yes you want your children to be prepared to handle the world. The dangers, the discomfort, the challenges. You want them prepared for that but the way that happens is not by you being the one

Greg Denning (17:07.713)
To inflict it. To inflict it, just like in this dog training scenario, but by being the one that they are literally anchored to. While they're experiencing it. While they're experiencing the stress. So we've done this and so there's a lot here. One, you do it incrementally. Yeah. So when they're puppies, you're not, know, they'll just freak out and run off and they'll never come back. And then they're traumatized forever. So it's just like this. That's important too. You get them to enjoy it. yeah, I guess I to. start with your two year old or your five year old being like, I'm going to make you tough.

Be gritty, you baby! Stop crying! What's wrong with you? Right? That doesn't work. And yet we see that. It's creating the opposite of what you actually want. Because at that young age, it literally is just traumatizing them. So we see parents with six-year-olds and eight-year-olds like, we're not quitters in this family. You're not quitting anything. The pork is like, hate this. And so they hate it. And so they're either resentful or they go through it. They come with all these other vehicles and they end up with other issues later on because you're trying to force them. So it's very incremental. In fact,

As a puppy, you're not doing any stress at all, zero stress. You're just doing fun bite work. So they think this is the funnest thing on the planet to bite this pad and to play around and grrr. Which is another great analogy with parenting because when children are young, that is exactly the approach you want to take. You want to make all the things you want them to do fun and exciting and enjoyable and desirable. So hiking big mountains is brutal. It's so hard.

And so when our kids are little, we don't make them do it. They go along the trail. It's fun. And then as soon as they got tired, they would go in my backpack and I would take them up the fun. Yeah. Not especially when they're young, you're not like, you will finish this hike. You are going to do it because you're going to be tough. You're like, switch. I'll let your legs burn. Big baby. They did what they could. Yep. And the whole time we're telling them, yeah, you're getting stronger. Your muscles are burning. Keep going. Good job. doing great. But when they've reached their limit. Done.

They're on my back. Yep. Or in my We'll carry you now. And we're not going to shame you. We're not going to make you feel bad. We're going to praise you for doing what you could do and we're going to keep it fun and be like, let's do the rest of it together. So the entire experience is hiking is fun. And so literally numberless times my kids would go as far as they could and they're playing with all the animals and lizards and rocks and bushes and sticks. And we'd get them out and play some more. But what they did towards the end is they were on my back or in my arms.

Greg Denning (19:37.105)
watching me sweat and struggle and strain. And I remember when they were little, them just looking at me like, dad is grinding. And I always had a smile on my face and I was always, I love this. I love this you guys. Yes, we're here together. You big fat babies, have to carry you everywhere. Wish you could just walk more. I can't take my kids out into nature because I have to carry them. Like there was one time I carried three kids out of a.

Slot Canyon in the dark. One of their favorite memories. One of their all time favorite memories. Like, Dad carried three of us. Yeah, I did. And so what they saw, they had a blast. That was one of their favorite experiences because it was really fun. And when they were exhausted beyond belief, they're like, I'm done. So instead of making it a horrible experience, I picked up the load, which was great for me because I got to burn. And so I carried three kids out. I was carrying the baby. They were resting.

Right? So now they're like, had tons of fun. Now I'm just sitting in dad's arms while he carries me back to the car. This is awesome. We love this. And I'm just like burning. Yeah. But like, I love this. I love it. And I'm talking about how much I do love it. And I genuinely do. I love the strain and the struggle. And we love part of parenting. Taking them on those types of things. so, and so that has continued where, well, and let me.

a couple stories here, it continued to the point where even you took our 13 year old son, at that time I think he was what five when that experience happened, then he was 13 and then hundreds of experiences in between and yeah lots of experiences and hiking in between and you took him to the base camp of Everest and he he went as far as he could he got sick he was very sick you carried him the rest of the way I think it was like three days to the base camp of Everest.

And he had an amazing experience. And in his mind, was, this was great. Not, it sucks, I never want to do it again. And he's like, I can't wait to go back and we're going in September. And he's planning to go with us in September to do it again. So in his mind, he has this positive association with hiking. Even though it was hard. And doing hard things because we made it a positive experience. We weren't the ones inflicting the pain on him, going back to the dog training analogy.

Greg Denning (22:02.657)
weren't the ones adding the stress to him. We were there this well you in this situation not me. The source of strength and comfort and encouragement while the stress was occurring from the outside. Yes that's the golden ticket. Now to to expand on this even a little more because two of the children two of other children you carried were Kimball and Aliyah who are now 19 and almost 18 tomorrow.

They summited Kilimanjaro last February, just about a year ago. So like they can do hard things, but it didn't come because you were being the one stressing them. You were being the one pushing them. That's not how it worked. Rarely, rarely, and this is so important, rarely have we ever forced our kids to do things. Right. I think it's always been...

It has always been this formula that we just laid out. It was, let's go together to encounter something challenging and difficult. Do as much as you can. I'm to encourage you. I'm going to praise you. I'm going to model for you. And you're going to do all you can. And as soon as you can't do it anymore, I'm going to carry you for the rest of the way. And then when you're too big. complaining. know, like that's how it's done.

And there were times like I would take their packs. I'm like, hey, you carry as long as you can. OK, I'll take your pack and we'll go. And what was cool is they would they would take a break and then they're like, hey, dad, I'll take my pack back. Fantastic. Here you go. And they go like, man, can you do another break? Absolutely. Let's go. And so I'm working that in so that they're gaining and cultivating strength. And now we have an amazing relationship. So I never did anything that damaged the relationship. In fact, everything I was doing.

while exposing them to challenge and difficulty, was strengthening. Our bond was closer and they kept growing in stamina, strength, endurance, grittiness. And like you pointed out, the desire to do that. In fact, mean, would say without question, all of our children, including our seven year old, who's the youngest, like when we're out traveling or doing things,

Greg Denning (24:24.577)
carrying stuff, which is often when we're traveling, moving, whatever. They are willing to help, to participate, to do all they can to carry the bags, to bring in the groceries, to all of those things. It's like they want to do those things because it's not something we have forced, it's something we have modeled, encouraged, praised, and recognized that when you reach your limits, we respect that. I think that...

Part of the reason this is and this is why it can be so challenging is because we did talk on it before I think about developing Self-awareness. We've helped them to develop their self-awareness so that they know what their limits are and We haven't been the one saying no, that's not your limit. You can do more You've got more in you blah blah blah. It's been I I know you have something to say about that because I know there's a place for that but it has been For the most part when especially when they're young if they've said

I'm tired, I can't do it anymore. We believe them, you know what mean? Yeah, we'll push back on it a little bit, but not to the point of like, no, you're just gonna have to do it. It's always from a place of encouragement. I'm like, you are so tough. Like, you can do this. I bet you can make it to that tree and then carry them. Or like, I wonder if you can make it that rock. Like, I don't think I can. I'm like, let's try it, come on. Let's go, you got this. And they get up there and we celebrate the crap out of it and then pick them up.

So they're like, okay, wait a minute. If I push my limits, there's an end. There's relief. He will pick me up. that's what I was gonna actually emphasize here because then we didn't just then do that again so that they felt like, wait a second, dad said he would carry me when we got there and then he didn't. He made me keep going more. That's when you break that level of trust, I think, in the relationship because they're like, why?

Why would I push myself because I don't trust you to do what you said you would do when we got there. So that's another key element of it that's very important is that when we said, yeah, go to that rock and then I'll carry you, well, you actually did that. And so they knew that they could trust that. And so you build this relationship of trust that helps them have that strength and fortitude and grit that they need. And then also, again, like we said, then they.

Greg Denning (26:45.601)
They rest, they recover and they're like, okay, I'm ready to do some more and try again. Yeah, here's, here's an, kind of, I just remembered this and this happened last summer in Mongolia with our youngest. We were doing this long hike. It ended up being way longer than I remembered. And it was hot and it was a challenge day up to the monastery with the womb. And it was, I was like, okay, this way I was in my mind. I'm like, I think it's a kilometer or two. It ended up being like 12 kilometers or something in the mountains.

We were hungry it was supposed to be like lunchtime. Yeah, and we get there and they're like, okay 12 kilometers to the monastery. I'm like wait, what? It was was tough. And so my deal with Sanji was like, okay, I'll carry because she was exhausted. She was just I'm like, I'm just done. I can't do it. So I'm like, how about let's make a deal. And so I would carry her on all the inclines. So the hardest parts and then whenever what kind of leveled off she would walk and so it wasn't like she goes and I was like I was spent.

It wasn't, you know, I go and I carry the rest of the way. It was, and she's at the age, if she was four, I'm like, okay, I got you. Let's go. But I was like, look, now you walk once flat and then I'll carry you and then you walk and then I'll carry you. And so we did this intermittent thing and then finally we hired a horse, which was awesome. Which was this, this happened after we had done two days of horse riding. so

This is how long it was because I did not want to get back on a horse. I was just like, no, I'm done with the horses. But it was so far that I was like, OK, let's just get on the horses, I guess, and go the rest of the way. And then we had to ride them down. And it was just long. But you're right. It was this give and take of like, OK, because I'm also tired here, too. So we're going to have to compromise and help each other out because I also can't carry the whole load. So we're.

We're also not saying you have to be superhuman and do everything. But you should be a super dad. Yeah, should. And this is one of the reasons why you have to work out, why you have to train. Well, moms too. Yeah, if you have chubby babies like we did, you got to carry those little chubby things everywhere. And that's what many parents perhaps don't realize is if you want to have a fun and exciting life, you have to carry most of the load. You can't go travel the world.

Greg Denning (29:10.177)
and have incredible experiences and expect that your kids are gonna be able to handle all of it like you would handle it. You have to do your part plus more. You have to cover where their weaknesses are. That's my job as a husband and a father is to pick up the slack. Exactly. So we go out adventuring. I know they'll do as much as they can and then I am responsible for the rest. Exactly. Boom, it's great. Now,

If I take on their responsibility, but I'm grumpy and I'm unpleasant and I'm stressed and I'm angry and bitter and reactive, like a lot of good dads are, it's like, guess what happens? The wife and the kids hate vacations. And they hate hiking and they hate whatever that gets so stressed and he's always so bitter. And then they then they want to travel without you or they dread vacation or there's like, let's not have a vacation because you'll just be grumpy about all the work you have to do.

So we have to pick up the extra slack, the extra load and be pleasant about it. Like everything we're talking about right now for how to get our kids to be able to handle stress and pressure, we have to make it attractive. We have to model the way. And I gotta, I gotta throw down here a little bit. If you listeners are not personally doing really hard things on a regular basis, but you're telling your kids to do it.

They see right through that crap and it's just a bunch of hypocrisy So you can't even resist Donuts, but you're telling them. no, you don't you are not quitting wrestling season because you're not a quitter You're gonna go through you and so you're making them Keep wrestling. Let's say for example, they they start it and they don't like it or there's some reason they just don't want to do it But you force them to finish wrestling

while you're sitting in the stands like eating donuts and drinking a Dr. Pepper, they do hard things. Like, what are you talking about? We have to be chasing challenge and they have to see it. And it has to register on their scoreboard, not mine. Well, I think the interesting thing is, yes, it does have to register on their scoreboard, but it also has to register on your scoreboard. And what I mean by that is...

Greg Denning (31:32.011)
A lot of times, we've seen this before and I'm gonna try to articulate it where people will be like, yeah, I do hard things. I do 200 pushups a day or I do. Well, I work really hard at work. I read all these books or I work really hard. But they know it and if you're good at human psychology, you can kind of pick up on it. They're actually avoiding the things. Yeah. That they know for them are their.

or their weakness. Or their big fear, or their dragon, their monster, their abyss, whatever that is, And so that's the really challenging part because I know at least from my own experience, if I'm not actually facing and doing the things that are hard for me, right, then I'm actually not walking the walk or talking the talk. Exactly. I'm not living it. I'm saying it and I'm telling them.

But like I can never, I can never tell my kids to like, hey, toughen up and go talk to people and make phone calls because I know that's my weakness. And so unless, until I'm doing that, and I'm getting better at it, am, I can't be preaching that to them. And in fact, there's a lot of things I can't be preaching to them even because of that little thing. Like I have to be facing my own fears and.

and building my own muscles that are weak, right? And metaphorically, in order for me to actually be living the message that I'm trying to teach to my kids. I love it. It can't just be in a few certain areas. You can't just be like, well, yeah, I'm doing it in these things. If I'm not doing it these other things that I know I'm not, I'm living in hypocrisy. And your kids will know you're not too. Yeah, because you can't, you teach who you are. You can't hide that about yourself. It's there.

No matter what. That's so powerful, so profound. Okay, let's keep going. Okay, that was like the first sentence. Okay, so how do we help them face the uncomfortable times, we keep them in a safe mental place? It's really a combination of the both. I'm sure the answer is some form of, we have to prepare them for the real world while at the same time building and fostering a healthy self-esteem through positive, uplifting, non-judgmental environment.

Greg Denning (33:54.913)
where they see mom and dad constantly leveling up and obviously want the great life mom and dad have versus what their friends have. Sounds easy, right? That is what we have tried to do with our kids and so far it's worked very well. I'm happy with how all my kids have turned out, but it doesn't come without a lot of bumps and bruises. My plan once we started homeschooling our kids was this. I'm going to raise kids that become professional athletes, run their own businesses, get into Harvard, but won't need Harvard because they will be so successful in their endeavors.

that they won't need all the stupid formal education that the world thinks is so important. And they go on to have the most amazing family lives the world has ever seen. All because of the great things they learned at home and because of the amazing mentorship of books, mentorship from great people, and most importantly, from mom and dad. But as Mike Tyson says, ha ha, we all have a plan until we get punched in the mouth. My spouse and I got punched in the mouth a lot, and we still get punched to this day.

It didn't take my kids long to realize that not everyone raises their kids with the same habits and beliefs that we did. The same emphasis on constantly leveling up and facing challenges for the point of growth. And at times, those other teachings from other people can seem pretty good to kids, especially when it comes in the form of, hey, it's okay. It doesn't matter if you do well or you are even prepared. In fact, you can't be prepared. Just love God, be happy.

Let his plan play out. Nothing really do matters. Just believe in God's plan for your life. Love him and your life will be filled with love, joy and fulfillment. No pressure, no chance of failure. Gosh, mom and dad, why can't you guys be more like that? Wow. Good. Very insightful. I'm so grateful that that was articulated out kind of spelled out like that and and kind of paint the picture of a real scenario where our kids.

are growing up and they're seeing what happens at home and they're hearing what's being taught at home. But then they're also seeing what's happening in their community, in their church, on their sports teams, in the choir, in the orchestra, then their friends and then their peers and now social media, which is literally international. So now they're seeing all these people get on and what's tricky about social media especially is there's no behind the scenes.

Greg Denning (36:15.649)
And so they can get on and they can see, this, that, and the other blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then less than 30 seconds. Yeah. And it's like, wait, whoa, whoa. And people get on and post and there's so, there's so much fakeness, um, and facade and masks on social media where, know, they just portray, Oh, all I do is this and it's amazing. And they don't see behind the scenes, just a total train wreck of a life. It's a dumpster fire. And so, so you're right. So our kids are being exposed to all those things.

So what's, and I love the ideal there of like we bring our kids home, we're doing home education, we're pursuing excellence and greatness in all kinds of ways. We want our kids to be healthy and wealthy and happy. We want them to get a world-class education. We want them to be entrepreneurs and business owners and leaders and just have this incredible life. That's great. My vote is we keep those ideals. Keep the ideals.

So then as we're going on, we're like, wait a minute, how do we, how do we actually get those results? Cause we can have the ideals and we can all be delusional. Every one of us could be delusional. We bring our kids home and do home education and whatever, and think this is going to be great. And then, then we up, yeah, no education, no manners, no social skills, nothing along the journey. think that's the case. Like that's just a part of the journey as well. You're like, and any not working. And he points out so well, it's like, yeah, there's a great plan. And then you get

Punch in the face, right? And you're like, okay, well, there we go. And so, and that's obviously true. That happened to us. Like, we're like, well, it's gonna be just like this, and like smack. Well, we often talked about how, because you and I decided to homeschool before we had children. We read a book about it, and we're like, oh my gosh, we're gonna homeschool. And then there's this whole series of books out there by Glenn Doman about teacher baby to read and teach them all these other things when they're babies, you know? And I thought, that's what we're gonna do. And then of course, our first daughter was dyslexic, and we were like,

There goes our plan. We got punched in the face. We got blindsided. We're such book lovers. Right. We are bibliophiles to the extreme. our first daughter couldn't read. Yeah. It's like, what an awesome reality check. The universe is like, smack. We're going to homeschool and do all these things. And our children will be reading before they're four and yada yada, all this. And then, yeah, she could not.

Greg Denning (38:40.287)
She could hardly read at all until she was like nine, 10, or 11. And so we were just like, okay. There goes our plan. had to rethink everything we thought because that's not how it works. That's not life. So we get it and that's not the only time that's happened to us. Of course, it's happened multiple times on our own homeschooling journey. Well, and everything with health and fitness and and business. It's a common thing in undertaking this journey of life.

business we started we quote started businesses that weren't businesses they're more like really expensive hobbies we just wasted so much time and money because we had no clue about what it meant to run a business none and so we kept getting kicked in the teeth so I think two major things happens doesn't necessarily mean that your ideals are wrong right or that they can't be achieved or that they can't be achieved now what it can definitely mean is that

the way you're doing it is Because like with us, we could have said, our daughter has dyslexia. well, I guess we'll just have no expectations for her. We'll remove all of our ideals for her education. In fact, we should maybe just put her back in school so the experts can deal with her. No, we thought, OK, great. How can we still help her get a great education while working with the reality of her having dyslexia?

So instead we took a different approach we included lots of audiobooks we included you know things that worked for her So that she could develop and grow and then our I think I mean early on we developed this idea of just Helping them to develop their own unique straight strengths and interests Helping them decide what it is they want to do what they're interested in what they want to learn what they want to study and supporting them in that

Rather than like, no, this is how it's going to be. This is what you're going to do. I'm deciding. Right. And lay out those paths and a path for each kid. So what it required from us is iterating, changing, adjusting, flexibility, adaptability, development. we had to come up and we thought early on, it's like, oh, OK, here's what it takes to be a parent. And I'll be this parent to my seven kids. Well, that's not how it works.

Greg Denning (41:05.245)
If you have seven kids, you have to have seven sets of parenting skills because each kid is different, right? And education is different. then business, if you can't just have a simple set of business skills, you got to figure out like what works where. And then business, the economy changes and markets change. So you're constantly changing, adapting, adjusting. That's where I guess the two things come to mind when I think through this. Number one is we have to adjust. Every time I get hit in the face, which happens a lot.

I have to, okay, why did I get in the face? What's happening? So now I gotta learn how to duck and weave and dodge and reposition myself and learn from that. Otherwise I'll just keep getting hit in the face. Or unfortunately, like many people, you get hit in the face and they're like, okay, I'm done, I'm never doing that again. I can't tell you how many people I've met like, oh yeah, I tried business once. It failed, I'm done, I'm never doing that again. Like wait, you tried once? What'd you do? And you're like, well did it. And they're like, well no wonder it didn't work.

That's your attempt. Yeah, it's too risky. It's too much. got, you know, we lost a bunch of money. I'm out. I'm like, you can't start a business without losing lots of money. Like I haven't seen it done. It's just, that's, that's the nature of it. Right. And so you have to get back up, learn from it, keep going, knowing full well, you're going to take a couple of steps forward and get hit again by something else you didn't see coming. And, then you learn from that and then you walk forward and get punched again. So yeah, it's brutal.

that's definitely a part of parenting in general, whether you're homeschooling or not, you're going to have these ideals and this, because while we're saying, yeah, it's not up to me to decide what my child's gonna be, like you're gonna be a lawyer or whatever, but going back to the original statement or question here is like, yeah, we want them to be prepared, we want them to have grit, we want them to be able to take on challenges, but if,

If we have that ideal and we're striving to teach that but then we're getting quote punched in the face, then that and this is what we're trying to emphasize here. This is always a sign that we have to change our strategy. At least for me. That's what it's become. Because in the past it would be I would get hit like that. I would be like, my gosh, we're failing. Our kids are going to be failures. We're never going to make any money. We'll never travel again. It was like defeatism.

Greg Denning (43:32.385)
It would be extreme. That used to be my go-to response. But then I just started to learn that, no, actually just means, I need to learn something here. There's something I'm missing, something I didn't know. I have to adjust my strategy. If I'm trying to teach my child something and they, quote unquote, punch me in the face, not literally, but perhaps with their behavior or their response, then I just say, I have something to learn. I need to a different way.

to like they were saying, know, if they see other people in the world like, whoa, no worries, take it easy, why are you trying so hard? I have to find a different way to show them or teach them or model for them why they would actually want this. Like why for them it matters, why they should care. And I know that that kind of perhaps gets to the crux of the matter here because we're like, well, yeah.

That's the point. How do we do that? How do we actually do that without? Because it can end up becoming a lecture or arguments or disagreements or, you know, fighting with your kids over these things. And those really that's not going to work. That's not going to convince them. So let's talk through some of that. Like, how do we do this? How do we actually maintain those ideals while still adjusting our strategy?

so that our kids actually listen or want to opt in or want to actually make this part of their own life, especially as they go into the teen and adult years. Right. So the first part was that I was thinking in response is constant iteration, adaptability, adjustment. It is constantly changing. But let's clarify a little bit. What does that mean? Is that our own behavior? Yes, me. So I'm constantly adjusting, adapting, and trying new things. I'm learning.

Because if ever, if ever I attempt something, it's not working. I stop and say, well, I have to do something differently. I have to learn something else. I have to try a different approach. And I never let myself say I've tried everything because I realized that it's a lie. We always, we love to throw it out there. I've tried everything. No, you you tried like six things. Yeah, that's everything. No, it isn't. It's like, if you think that's everything, you don't know enough, which is always the case for all of us. We don't know enough. And so I just keep a new approach, new approach, new approach, new approach, learn, learn, read five more books, new approaches.

Greg Denning (45:56.545)
And then I'm like, oh, there it is. I got it. So I'm not going to throw in the towel. I'm not going to say, I tried that. It didn't work. I tried everything. I'm looking at me. This is what works for me. I always look at me at the source of my problems. Yes. OK. So this is actually what I want to emphasize here, because I think this is the most important piece that we live by and what we teach. If we are facing any problem in our life, and that could be with our children, that could be with.

business, our finances, our health, we always turn inward and say, what am I doing to create this problem? Not, I need to point this out, I'm a loser. I'm a failure. I'm horrible. I'm terrible. Like, it's always my fault. And I never, I don't have to tear myself down. And I think this is important to emphasize here because a lot of people think if,

Well, if I take that approach of like, look for the source of the problem in myself and I'm going to beat myself up. I won't like myself. No one. I'm not unlovable. I'm not talking about that at all. Has literally nothing to do with my likableness, lovable, my self worth. Nothing. I said, I'm just I'm doing it wrong. It's not me. It's not my identity. It's not like Greg is a terrible human being because he failed at that business strategy. It's like, whoa, wait, stop.

I was just doing that strategy wrong. So I adjust it. I adjust it and I keep adjusting. I keep learning. I'm learning from experts. I'm not taking advice from people who don't have the results I want. And it's like, I'm to go ask my neighbor, Bob, what he thinks about marketing. He's like, you know, I've never done any marketing, but let me tell you what I think. So like, so without beating myself up without lowering any of my own self worth or self esteem, I'm, looking for

something I can do differently. Right. I feel to me it's actually the ultimate source of power. Absolutely. Besides God, know, when we take individual responsibility, we are taking full power. We're actually taking all the power into our control. And that's where true power lies. As long as we continue to blame our child and be like, you know what, it's their fault. The reason we have a crappy relationship is because of them. Or the reason I failed is because of the

Greg Denning (48:21.289)
economy. As long as we continue to place blame in other areas, we're literally giving away our power. So for us, in order to achieve, accomplish, do everything we have done and continue to do, it's by taking that power back by saying, first of all, what did I do to contribute to this? Because no matter what happens in the world, there's always something we did or did not do to make it worse. No matter what happens to us, somehow

We made it worse by our actions. And then what can I do to make it better? Really, that's essentially what we're constantly doing. So in any situation like this, it's like, okay, and so when we're talking about iteration, that's what we're talking about. What power do I have in this situation? If I'm talking to my child, I'm trying to convince them that having high ideals, pursuing this life of excellence is what they want to do.

How can I iterate that? How can I say it better? How can I use a different tone? How can I change the way I say it? How can I model it? Model it better. How can I improve my relationship with them so that they will want to listen to me? How can I spend more time with them? How can I encourage them more? How can I XYZ on and on and on and on? Inspire them and earn their respect. That's the second piece for me that I want to get to is like if

If my kids aren't listening to me and by listening, not like they sit there and hear me and nod their head, but like they believe me and live by it. That's how know my kids are listening. When they of their own will do it. When my kids live it the world. Yes. On their own. So not like just because I'm watching and I'm threatening them, but like on their own without me even around, they get up and they do it. I'm like, they listened to me. I have.

Legitimate influence with my kids because they're doing it. So now if my kids hear me say one thing and they hear some rando on social media or a friend or a peer or whatever they go and and say something else if my kids are more inclined to believe then and believe me I have to come back and look at me. I have to look at because if I don't live the message I suck as the messenger That is so important

Greg Denning (50:48.831)
And if, if I suck as the messenger, then my kids are going to question me all endlessly and they're going to willingly believe somebody else. Yeah. So then if they're like, well, dad, you just work so hard in this other person, like they just are taking it easy. I'm like, great. Let's talk about that. Let's play that out. And, and, and I have to have the power of persuasion and conviction.

I have to easily be able to convince my kids. mean, to me, that's easy. Like bring anybody to me and be like, nah, man, they don't need effort. Just take the easy life. Just party, have fun. I'm like, okay, let's walk down that road. Let's play that out right now. And the core element here is that results don't lie. And so if my kids see my results, they're undeniable.

And here's why. Because I hold myself to the silent film test and a results test. Would my results and a silent film test hold up in a court? Would the jury convict me of living by what I teach and believe? So if I'm telling my kids this and it was taken to court,

We'll maybe be like, OK, yeah, wow. Greg actually works out and eats well and enjoys it. that's a good example. OK, yep. I think, we have to add this element because it's such a key to this. Because if we did all of those things and we had a normal life, like most everyone else out there, I could easily see how our children would be like, why, Dad?

Why are you trying so hard? Why are you working out so much? Why is our diet so restrictive? Because we're just the same as Jim Bob down the street. So why? Why are we taking all this extra effort and pain and struggle and suffering? There's no point to it. But in our case, because our children have seen us, they've literally seen you carry people off mountains.

Greg Denning (53:13.227)
They've literally seen you save lives. They've literally been carried by you. Yeah. My kids, the guy that he, there was a rock slide up on a mountain, 160 pound adult man. I carried him off that mountain and they carried his gear. Right. And they were walking down with me like, okay. So they can't on their own gear. And then they carried his gear. Yeah.

And they watched me carry him. And so they're like, okay, this is legit. This is real. This is where it counts. Besides the fact that it's not just like we have this normal life. And so when you're saying results don't lie, they're looking at our life and they're seeing the results. We've traveled, I just hit my 60th country. We've traveled to 60 countries. That's awesome. I didn't know that. Yeah.

I'm taking a trip next weekend solo trip We've traveled to 60 countries we make great money Working from home. We do work that we love we Like we we have an incredible life. We have a we charm

life is my own mother. We impact a lot of people. We impact people. they come and they come on our trips and they come stay and they come to our events and they come to our retreats they come to our resort and our kids have been watching that for years. Over a decade they've been watching that and they're like okay this is working. Results don't lie. Not just for us but for the people we influence now. So they're seeing all that too and it is playing out.

The reason why I'm bringing this up is not to like, brag about us. We're so amazing. But I'm trying to illustrate something that in your own life, and again, that's the whole point of Extraordinary Family Life, like the whole point of this podcast. We're not just talking to normal people living normal lives. We're talking to those of you who want to live extraordinary lives. But if your life is in some way not extraordinary, and again, I'm not saying you have to be, you know, like,

Greg Denning (55:33.281)
perfect or doing what we're doing even like but but you have to be pursuing your own unique dream unique Extraordinary Ness. Yep, right and if you're not living that If you're of course your kids if you're pursuing your own ordinariness, right? They're gonna look at you and be like Why should listen? Yeah, why should I be putting in the extra effort? Why should I be doing all these things? You're saying we have an ordinary life

just like they do, except ours is harder and more work. So what is the point? Yes. it's so good, Rach. So as you're talking about this, this is what's coming to my mind. It's like, OK, yeah, you're right. If our kids are beginning to doubt or wonder, like, what's the point of all this effort? Because you're not any different than the neighbors, mom and dad. Then that lessens our influence because.

They are legitimately asking why. Why all the extra work? There's no reason to put in all the extra work if we're really just going to have the same ordinary life. Yeah, and the same mediocrity. Right. Now, I'm thinking of examples of friends I know that they live in the neighborhood and drive the car and whatever, but in their bank account, they've got millions of dollars. And they let their kids know that. So they're like, yeah, we live in the don't let their kids know it. Right, because they hide it. They hide it, and then.

then it is like, well, why? What's the It's like, what's what we live like everybody else like, because they don't say anything. You're like, yeah, it looks like we live like everybody else. But I can run a marathon. can go do an Iron Man. I'm just saying hypothetically, I don't know that I could right now I couldn't. But hypothetically, you might be like, well, I can go I can go do a triathlon right now. I've got you know, X millions of dollars in my account right now.

I'm donating this to this organization and doing this and so on and on and I read I read a hundred books this year. You're like, you know, I might look on the outside. might look like everybody else in the neighborhood, but no, the kind of the point of why you're mentioning this is that we we do and we believe that you need to, for lack of a better word, brag to your kids. You need to show them why they should listen to you.

Greg Denning (57:48.905)
And if you think that that's wrong in some way, well, you need to rethink that. Especially if you don't have the influence you want with your kids. They need to know why they should listen to you. And the reason they should listen to is because you have results they want. If you're doing it very well, you don't have to say anything. It's like, it's like Saint, the, Well, you might say, he preach, preach the gospel at all times. And if necessary, use words. Right. and so, so you might just say it in passing. If.

Or if you know, if I do my training in the morning before they get up, I'm going to tell them when we sit down for breakfast, I'm like, yeah, I, you know, I put in X number of miles this morning and, and did all this and the other. I read, you know, this many pages. So if they don't see it, but, but they're going to see it and you're here about you're like, you're living your life, especially if you're spending time together. Because sometimes they don't. In fact, you have worked with clients where you're like, dude, you've got to your kids that you are reading in the morning that you are doing this. Like they need to know what you're doing.

And sometimes they do need help noticing the results. And connecting the Yeah, connecting the dots. Wait a second. See what I've been doing, and this is what the result I got. That doesn't happen by accident. And this is why they don't have that result, because they're not doing those things. You do have to connect some of those dots for them, especially as they're growing and maturing, so that they understand this is why. This is why we're living the higher standard. This is why we are doing this.

love to, I do especially because I'm obsessed with it, point out to our kids we have phenomenal health. At my age, well actually your age, my dad died essentially at your age. He was 47. You're gonna be 47 in two weeks. Next week. He died at your age. You are his age and you have not one disease, not one problem, no issues, nothing except your little infected toe. You have injuries.

but that's because you're out living in the world, you have no diseases. And my dad died of cancer at your age. That doesn't happen by accident despite what many people believe in this world. And so I am constantly telling my children, why do we eat healthy? That's why. Because my dad died at my age. Which is crazy. It is crazy. Well, and then the most common.

Greg Denning (01:00:06.765)
okay. Here's a classic example, right? It's like, so I tell my kids one thing and I show them the example and then they go out into the world and they hear and see the other examples. so Kimball went out and he was with this group of men and they were my age and they were all, you know, all guts, all tired. this is exhausting. I can't do this. and they're all out of shape and eating garbage and saying, no, once you're 40, it's all downhill. There's just nothing to do about it. And Kimball's sitting there in his mind. He was just like, listening to these guys talk, but

Knowing me and what I do and any he had enough courage to speak up He's like no my my dad's not like that. They were like, nah, man. Your dad's just lying He's just pulling stuff out the way. He's like, no, my dad's like jacked. You know, he does crazy hard things Nah, like he must be taking something or whatever and and so they there's no way and he told me other ways laughing He's like so it's I guess an example. We're talking about it's like

Here's what my dad says and does and here's what all these other men are saying and doing about guys in their 40s and he's like Which true Which should I believe and which passion I pursue Like it has to be obvious to them where they're like, yeah, I clearly want different results So I'm gonna listen to my parents because they have different results

And in this example in particular, Kimball and I have spent years working out hard, hard, hard together. so he and I, when he's here in Portugal, we are out in the gym together, pushing each other hard. And that kid has gotten so strong and so shredded in the last little bit. I mean, really bulked out, but this started, it was eight years ago. I decided to do 200 push-ups a day and he's like, I'm in. he's 19. He would have been 11.

He's okay. And he started doing them. Then we got up to 300 a day and then he was doing paid competition with his friends to who would do them. And so that's where it started. So day in and day out, we've had fun together, pushing hard. So can he do incredibly hard things? Yep. Does he see the results? Yep. Can I still outlift him? Uh huh. Can I, know, and then, and he and I spar together and we grapple and can I beat him? Yep.

Greg Denning (01:02:28.225)
And so he's listening to these guys. So no, no, once you're over 40, you can't do it. And then he's, then he tries to roll with his dad and gets work still. I was like, okay, who am going to believe? And they know exactly what I eat. They know I'm not taking any weird supplements or drugs or injections. You're not taking anything. You're just eating whole foods, mostly beef, mostly steak and eggs and

We take no medications at all and I guess I forget that this is a thing and so I feel like that's why I want to mention it now like it was part of our results you and I literally have no illnesses no diseases and we take no medications not one Nothing with tons of energy takes any medications not a thing Except never have when we're sick and I take some ibuprofen or some acetaminophen like that's it we don't take anything and

We are in excellent health. So that is a result. That doesn't just happen by accident. We're not just lucky. That is a result that we have gotten. And so yes, our children look around. They go out into the world. They see everybody sick and overweight and taking all the medications for mental, emotional, physical illnesses. all of that. And like you also said, we have tons of energy, like tons of energy. All natural. And you guys, we're happy.

And we're happy. Every this isn't an act, it's not a show. There's like arguing, yelling, screaming. None of that is going on. We're happy. We have fun together. We love to be together. We are healthy. Naturally, we're wealthy. Like we have the results. And so when our kids say our kids don't say they don't they don't question us. They've never said it. In fact, they come back and like, yes, this is what they said. This is what they do is like.

They often come back like what's wrong with people? Why would they do that? Why would they eat that crap? would they do those things? people do those things? We're like, well, you don't understand they don't they don't get it. They don't see it They haven't experienced the results, right? So they don't know and so but so our kids come back baffled like why would people choose to be so miserable? Why would they choose to have so much drama? Why would they choose to be sick and unhealthy and live live way below their potential?

Greg Denning (01:04:56.533)
Yeah, it's powerful. All of this is simply to say, because we're going back to the, if we get punched in the mouth, which again has happened, it's happened to us multiple times. Last week again. does. Weekly. yes. When it happens, we have to ask ourselves, why is this happening? It's not just bad luck. It's not just like,

reality, we can't live our dreams. You know, I remember thinking that one of the first times we failed. remember thinking, I guess it's just a pipe dream. You just can't live a dream life. It's not possible. It's not possible to have and do the things you want to have and do. But that's a lie. It is possible. The punch in the mouth is teaching you how to make it possible. Just like.

Marcus Raylis says the obstacle is the way. That is the way to figuring out how it is to get what you want. So you have to adjust your strategy. You have to ask yourself questions like, if my kids aren't believing me, why are they not believing me? Why do they not see what I see? How have I not helped them to see it? Yes. If my kids are questioning me, if they're leaning towards

you know, their peers or other people more, those ideas, those strategies, those philosophies. It's some reason they're not seeing. How am I failing to be more convincing? Yeah. That's the question. I love that. How am I failing to be more convincing? Yeah. I mean, because if you have the results and if you have in your mind and obviously better life, then then the failure may be that you just haven't helped them see that.

You haven't helped them understand why you have better results. And sometimes I think parents are afraid to do that because they don't want to brag or they don't want to quote unquote talk bad about other people. But I'm like, it is your job as a parent to help your kids see why despite the fact that this person is a child of God and should be loved, they have results you don't want. And here's how they got them. That's our job. That's our role as parents.

Greg Denning (01:07:20.683)
to help our children understand the world. The world operates by laws. And we need to figure out those laws, and then we need to teach our children what those laws are. For me, that's all it's about. I am literally just, our high ideals are achieved through keeping laws to get you there. And that's all I'm doing. I'm teaching my children, hey, here's the law. Here's the law of how to achieve this outcome. And one element that's kind of a, it's next level awesome sauce is,

Living the principles, the practices, the laws in a way that is pleasant and enjoyable so that it's not suffering. If I... There's some suffering involved. Well, like what though? Well, even going back to the analogy of exercise. When you're grinding, when you're working out, there's suffering. So it hurts. In that moment. But I've learned...

to enjoy it and actually make it fun. that can definitely take training for that to occur. it's a mindset. It's a mindset shift and switch.

But even when I think of... I know from personal experience that that can be a very difficult mind switch for people to make because from this perspective it's like, that's just painful. Why would I want to do that? Why would I want to submit to that suffering and sweat? Right? So and that happens not just in working out but in a lot of things. In eating or building a business or even having conversations with your kids or with your spouse. Like it all appears...

As some sort of suffering. Unpleasant. Right. So I guess this is what I want to hold up as an ideal. There's a place where the discomfort of hard things. Can become enjoyable. Is. Yeah. But the irony though. I can do I can do a cold plunge and I'm having a blast. It hurts. But it's like OK when we were up in Norway in winter and.

Greg Denning (01:09:30.081)
We're jumping with all the kids, And we're in there, especially with the boys with Parker and Kimball, we're in there. Like two or three minutes. It hurt so bad. whole body's just snowing outside and you guys are swimming And we were 225 miles north of the Arctic Circle at night. Oh man, it hurts. And we were having a blast. And then we were doing back flips off the top. mean, we're having this great time in pain.

So when we're climbing on the mountains, when we're working out hard, it's like we're dripping sweat and like muscles are burning, you're like, this is awesome. And I guess that's what I'm saying. There's this spot, and food, food for example, like a lot of people are like, it's this burden. I can't drink soda and eat junk food and I just have to sit here and eat the steak and these eggs and ugh.

We've never done that. fact, our kids come home like, I miss home cooking. This food is so good and so good for you. There's no burden there. There's no like our lives are so sad and horrible because we don't eat, you know, seed oils and sugary things. And but it's worth it. Kids endure to the end because in heaven we'll be blessed for our sacrifice of.

not drinking all the fizzy water, you know, it's like, what are you talking about? It's a better life. It is. And I agree with you 100%. But I do have to point out that I think ironically, and probably just because this is how it is, this is how the universe works, this is how God set it up. When you make that initial change and switch, or when you begin to make that switch, it is painful. It is suffering. When you

Like you and I can have very difficult conversations and we can still laugh and joke and have fun, even if I'm crying, even if I'm bothered, even if you're upset. Like we can still navigate I usually laugh more now. I know. can still navigate that. But at first, you're right, it was very hard. those difficult conversations was nothing but pain and suffering. And I wanted to avoid it at all costs because I'm like, I do not want to.

Greg Denning (01:11:49.505)
this topic with my spouse. And so it seems like something you should avoid forever. And then when the reality is... get into it, it's just so miserable. exactly. And it would take up so much time and I'd be like, we don't have time to do this. We don't have time to be talking about this for hours and hours and trying to sort through it. You know, and I know you definitely felt that. But... Hours and hours. That's how I was able to get so much done last week when you're Ireland.

Massive amounts of hours that we spend listening My point was it used to be unenjoyable maybe it's still unenjoyable for you. No, no I again I I laugh about it and not that I'm laughing at you, but I get it now You're not just talking about difficult conversations. You're joking about just yeah

but the difficult ones were.

Like we wanted to avoid them because they were so unpleasant. Just like someone might avoid working out because it feels so unpleasant. It feels so... It's always more painful in the beginning. Yeah. So I guess that's an excellent point. So when we start having those difficult conversations, we start addressing all of our inner issues, all the emotional stuff from my past, the fact that I'm out of shape, I start working out. It's so hard. Everything's harder in the beginning.

But I was just thinking, while you're talking about difficult conversations, once you start working through them and you resolve them for good, there's fewer and fewer and fewer. skills of resolving them. Well, and there's less of them. So now I'm like, can't remember the last time you and I had an uncomfortable, awkward conversation about something. I mean, you probably have it all written down and remembered. let me check my data. I'm just kidding. like, just doesn't happen because you get good at it, because you face it, because you work through it.

Greg Denning (01:13:50.665)
It just goes away. I think part of the reason is because we have the skills of doing it so it's resolved quicker. So it feels like less of a deal where I remember it used to be like, you know, maybe days we wouldn't talk or we'd be bristly or cold or distant. And that doesn't happen anymore because we're able to resolve something within minutes or hours at most. Right.

So it becomes like the famous quote, like that which you persist in doing becomes easier for you to do. Not that the nature of the thing itself has changed, but that your ability to do has increased. Exactly. Like you become better at doing those things. But yeah, at first it is way hard. It is hard to have those conversations. It's hard to start working out. It's hard to talk to your kids and inspire them and do all these things. But you have to do it.

And do with a smile. And that's the only way to get better at it is just by doing it. Yep. Love it. Okay. Let's, let's wrap right there for today. There may be more. Well, there is actually just one little paragraph. mean, maybe we just go for it really quick and we'll be good. let's see. Greg taught me about the power of thoughts. While we may try to teach those lessons to our kids, they don't often receive those lessons as well as we would like. Sometimes not at all.

Then pause pause right there. So that's what we already touched on is like if if they if it doesn't land like I can tell if If the kids are like, uh-huh, and then they go on I'm like it didn't land it. The seed wasn't planted. It's not bit like I got it I am approached this differently. I'm gonna tell a story. We're gonna watch a movie We're gonna read a book. I'm just gonna keep going until I'm like, they got it So I'm never gonna say here's the mindset. I want them to have here's the idea. Here's the belief

Like teach it to them. But if I get clear, I'm like, look, my kids have to know this, then I'm going to do literally going to keep doing everything I can until I know it is cemented in there so hard that they can wander off into the fact. I often thought of this. If I die today, would they be good because they have the framework? And I'm like, yes, they would. I know it. So if I was no longer in their life from this day forward, would they know this thing and live by it? Yes. Then I know it's landed.

Greg Denning (01:16:09.875)
If that hasn't landed, I take it on my, it's my responsibility to keep trying until it does. Right? So he says it doesn't work out or they don't know I'm going to keep going. Basically, I'm going to say that that's, that's on me. I'm going to keep iterating until it does. Yeah, because this is just normal. This is a normal part of parenting. Like you're like, I'm going to teach my kids about this because it's so important and they don't receive it or

They don't get it at all. Yeah. That's what happens. So that's happened to us many, many, many times. The point is we just don't give up. And not that we're annoying about it or we keep lecturing about it or whatever, but we get creative about it. We iterate, like we say. We keep changing our approach. We're like, let's do this. Let's try that. Let's do the movie. We just keep trying and trying. I keep looking for examples everywhere. Yeah, looking for examples in real life with their friends, with the neighbors, with your, like, you know.

there's examples around you. just have to make them obvious for them and say, Hey, that thing we're talking about. That's what I mean right here. You just saw that play out. That's what happens. when, when we're as effective teachers, we make it so obvious that they, they can't deny it. And in fact, even so obvious that they can't not live it. we know we've won. And I won't stop until that's just obvious where my kids just get it. And then, then anybody, anybody can come tell them otherwise. And they'll be like,

Yeah, right. Okay, then when the challenge comes up, they're unprepared as we knew they would be. Now, okay, in my line of thinking, I just see this as an opportunity. This isn't a failure. This is like, this is a way for me to help them learn this lesson. This is perfect. This is God's way in the universe conspiring in their favor. They now have an opportunity for them

to learn this lesson because they're unprepared. I tried to teach them. They didn't get it. They're unprepared. Now they get to learn. Real life consequences. This is a good thing. I don't see this as a bad thing. I see this as a thing. Unless, unless, I would see it as a failure on me if I like just told them once and then they didn't get it. Yeah. Cause I'm like, just telling them.

Greg Denning (01:18:28.941)
It doesn't work and never lands. you've been trying to teach it and trying to teach it and try to teach it and then they receive a real-world consequence because they didn't get it, they're like, Now you get to learn it on your own. Yeah, so that's a good thing. That's a positive thing. That's not like, you know, it's not a bad thing. Then we have to watch them struggle all over again and wonder what we could have done to prevent the pain we see them going through. That's true. So we both get to learn. Yes, and here's the thing. While I know firsthand that

this is hard, it's actually good. Like our children need to struggle. They need to experience pain. It's not fun. We don't want to watch our children experience pain. But unless they do, they don't actually learn. And for me... That's coming back to the very beginning with the dog. If one of my kids, as they're getting older, they're experiencing hard things, they can back over and lean up against me. That's the point. I'm like, I'm here, I got you. I'm here. You're good.

This hurts. This is tough. Here's how we're to walk through this and they feel that certainty, security, then they can handle the stress and the pressure. I'm not bailing them out. I'm not clearing the way in front of them. I'm not sheltering them from the pain. But nor am I going to like, huh, sucks to be you or push them into it. Like, and I'm part of the stress. Like, no, I'm not playing that part, but I'm not going to be, I'm not going to be enabling either. Right.

And I personally believe that, and of course this can't happen in all ways, because it will always continue to happen through life, I think even into adulthood. But the more often they experience some of this while they're younger and can learn some of those lessons, the better off they will be as they get older. They'll be more prepared because they were allowed to fail and struggle and experience the pain while they were young, so that then they are more prepared.

when they're older. Now, of course, I think that continues to happen on different levels throughout all of life. it sets that foundational framework there. OK, that is essentially the end. Love it. Fantastic. Again, thank you for the questions and for articulating your ideas and thoughts that way. You guys, thanks for listening. Thanks for caring. Thanks for trying to be.

Greg Denning (01:20:46.305)
extraordinary apparent. Yeah and for taking the challenges and facing the discomforts and trying and trying again and failing and getting up and trying again and for willingly standing up to be kicked in the teeth and punched in the face because that's life but what other option do we have? I mean that's my attitude at least like what other option do I have? Settle for mediocrity? No thanks. If it means that I have to stand up and be punched in the face

and then get back up and get punched again. It's something else. I'm not going to keep getting punched by the same thing. That's my own fault if I do that. But if I get up, I learn from them, I adjust, I move, I move forward and then bump up against something else. Great. There it is. It's part of the journey. And I don't, I used to dread that. I used to fear it like, Oh great. There's just always going to be trouble and problems and difficulties. Like why, why don't I just take it easy? No way. That's lame. So now I've embraced it. Like, okay. Yeah. As I'm, as we have continued to get more.

results for like, it's worth it. Cause yeah, I used to feel like that. It's not even worth it. Like we tried and we're not any better off and things aren't any different. That does feel very futile and it is, but as long as you continue to adjust and change your strategies and things get better, then you're like, okay, it's worth it. It is worth it. that is the point. as you're chasing your dreams and, reaching the mile markers and it's like, yes, yes, yes, yes.

If you have a vision board and a life list and you're regularly checking things off, you check. Yes. You feel the rewards and guess what else? Your kids see the results. So that's the other thing. Our results don't lie. Our kids are watching us monthly or every other month at a minimum, checking things off the list. New adventures, new goals. right. But I'm just saying like,

They'll see us achieve things that they know we've been talking about. know we've been pursuing They see our vision boards our life lists and again back to this kind of bragging idea because I want you to see how this can be very Natural, you know, we were traveling through Morocco just right before Christmas We took a little quick family trip and on my laptop I got on and I checked my Facebook ads and I was like, exciting. Look how well my Facebook ads are doing I spent this much I made this much while we're traveling and so my kids are like

Greg Denning (01:23:02.015)
Wow. Okay, mom. Like, look at you go, you know, that's just a small way, very natural, you know, they were just standing there while I was doing it. While we're staying in some amazing we're staying in a sweet riyadh in Tenjair. Yes, that place was awesome. They're like, we love it here. So again, yeah, pursuing the results and evidence to back it up. Then we have influence and we have impact. And so it's,

It's troubling and empowering at the same time to take full ownership and to say, how, what can I do better? What can I do differently? How can I be more impactful? And that's how we get things done and get the real results to especially with our kids. Love you guys. Reach upward.