Sept. 16, 2025

Help! I’m Doing ‘All the Things’; Why Am I Not Creating My Extraordinary Family Life?

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Many parents struggle because their family priorities look good on paper but don’t actually create joy, peace, or connection at home. In this episode, Greg and Rachel Denning reveal why doing more doesn’t work, why “trying” isn’t enough, and how gratitude, modeling, and aligned priorities can unlock the extraordinary family life you want.

Are you exhausted from trying to do all the right things—but still feel like your family life isn’t extraordinary?

You’re not alone.

Many parents work tirelessly to manage schedules, teach principles, read parenting books, pray, practice gratitude, and still feel burnt out, disconnected, and frustrated.

In this episode, Greg and Rachel Denning unpack a heartfelt question from a listener who has been “doing it all” since 2020—yet still feels stuck. Together, they reveal why doing more isn’t the solution and why misaligned priorities, half-hearted effort, and misplaced energy may be keeping you from the extraordinary life you crave.

👉 You’ll learn:

Why trying is not the same as doing (and why results don’t come from effort alone).
The secret to shifting from dread and obligation to joy and fulfillment in daily family life.
How to know when your priorities are out of alignment—even when you think you’re focused on the right things.
Why gratitude, surrender, and modeling are the most powerful ways to influence your family.
The “two-sided coin” of success: working hard while also letting go and allowing flow.

This conversation will challenge you to stop tolerating mediocrity, celebrate your progress, and focus with intention on the things that truly matter most—your health, your marriage, your joy, and your family.

✨ If you’ve been wondering, “Why am I still not living the extraordinary family life I want?”—this episode will give you clarity and courage to finally change.

Key Takeaways

✅ Trying ≠ Doing. Real change only comes when you follow through consistently.

✅ Model first: your kids and spouse will follow your example more than your words.

✅ Gratitude & surrender shift your energy and attract more of what you want.

✅ Your priorities are the proof—if you dread “good” things, something’s off.

✅ Success is holistic: you can’t win at work but lose at home and call it extraordinary.

✅ Do less, but better—focus on the few things that bring real results and joy.

Memorable Quotes

🗣️ “The brain’s like a garden—it doesn’t care what you plant.”
🗣️ “Trying isn’t doing. Results only come from doing.”
🗣️ “If you want your kids to change, you must model the change first.”
🗣️ “Your priorities are out of alignment if you dread the very things that should bring you joy.”
🗣️ “Gratitude and letting go bring more of the good things you want into your life.”

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Holistic Success

03:38 The Struggle for Balance in Life

06:31 The Importance of Prioritizing Relationships

09:30 The Role of Modeling in Family Dynamics

12:08 Navigating Challenges in Parenting

15:09 The Complexity of Emotional Needs

17:54 The Power of Gratitude and Positive Focus

21:05 Recognizing Progress and Direction

23:55 Celebrating Small Wins

26:32 The Journey Towards Extraordinary Family Life

41:32 Prioritizing Pleasure in Relationships

46:54 The Importance of Personal Health and Ownership

53:50 Leading by Example: The Power of Personal Change

59:43 Finding Joy in the Journey

01:06:40 The Balance of Doing and Allowing

01:16:05 Clarity and Intuition in Action

RESOURCES:

Let us help you in your extraordinary family life journey.

How We Raised 7 Well-Adjusted Kids - Without Yelling, Tantrums, Punishments or Power Struggles (+ get THE CHECKLIST: Things We Do Every Day to Raise Well-Adjusted Kids)
Rachel’s ⁠⁠Must-Read Booklist for Well-Read Moms⁠⁠
Greg's ⁠⁠Recommended Reading List for Parents & Youth⁠⁠
Follow us on Instagram: ⁠@worldschoolfamily⁠ or ⁠@greg.denning⁠
Don’t miss out on the Extraordinary Parent Mentoring Method class!
Get Rachel's ⁠⁠Family Systems & Charts⁠⁠
Get Rachel’s Extraordinary Family Life Planner
JOIN GREG'S 90-DAY HEALTH & FITNESS CHALLENGE!
Join the Formidable Family Man Masterclass and Tribe

Gather with us at the ⁠World School Family (Beach & Farm) Resort⁠ in Portugal

0:00

Humans learn through modeling.

The brain's like a garden, it doesn't care where you plant.

Sometimes the very things we need to do are actually counter intuitive to what we think is logical.

You are the way, you're the model.

So whatever you want for your family, be that example.

0:17

Gratitude and letting go bring more of the good things that you want into your life.

Hey there, this is Greg Denning.

We want to reach as many people as possible and help as many families as possible with these conversations.

And we want to keep this podcast ad free forever.

0:35

You can help us do that by subscribing on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen your favorite platform and on YouTube and leave a quick review and share your favorite episodes with friends and family.

It makes a big difference.

Thank you for being a part of this very important movement.

0:51

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast.

We're your host, Greg and Rachel Denning, super excited to talk about a lot of stuff today.

This is we got an awesome, long, heartfelt question that touches on so many issues, but these are fundamental struggles that I think all of us can relate to in in some way, shape or form.

1:15

And this was interesting.

So some of you might, you know, aspects of life are going to be really easy for you, while other aspects will be very difficult.

And that's just true for the human experience.

So maybe you've never struggled with with being overweight or out of shape?

Maybe you've never struggled with finances, right?

1:32

Maybe you've never struggled with your spouse.

Right.

It's just everything's been smooth and, and so we tend to think, well, no, that's not, that's not an issue, no big deal.

But there's something where you're coming up short and hopefully you've tried and are trying and sometimes you still don't get the result you want.

1:53

And I, I think essentially that's what we'll end up talking about today is like when you're making those attempts and, and you're reaching for it, you're grasping for it, you're fighting for it, and it seems to elude you and evade you that, that thing.

2:09

So if, maybe if we talk about certain aspects today and you're like, that's easy for me, This is irrelevant.

Use these same principles and practices for the thing that's that's not working.

And I, and I, well, I, let me emphasize this real quick, because it is so important to realize that we have to succeed holistically.

2:27

It has to be the whole life.

If if you're only, you know, like they say AA1 trick pony and you have one or two things you do really well and you're like, I'll just, I'll just play that card and, and that'll be my thing.

So I'm really good at that.

And so that that's what I'll put forward all the time.

Hey, I, I'm so and so and this is what I do.

2:44

And that's what you're always putting out and just, you just play that card and you put up that facade and everything's just hunky Dory and great and wonderful and all that thing.

It's like, no man, you're grossly underdeveloped and you're not well-rounded and you can't just just lean on that one thing your whole life.

3:00

You, you have to become a whole man or a whole woman.

And I think that if there is a common theme in the people who come to you for coaching, it's often that they are they are actually successful people in a lot of ways.

3:15

In a lot of ways.

They've achieved a lot of success, but all of us in our quiet moments have that nagging feeling of like, well, yeah, we're successful, but I'm failing at that.

Or I know I can do better I.

Know I could do better at that.

Like I just had a new client come to me.

3:32

He's like, Hey, I'm this is great and this is great and this is great and this I'm like, nicely done.

He's like, but I know I can do better.

I need to level up.

And I'm like, you, Sir, are literally my ideal client.

That's that's who I love to work with people who are already succeeding, but they feel it's just in their core and their soul.

3:48

They're like, Hey, I have more potential.

I'm leaving potential sitting on the table.

I know I can do better and I know I can do more without sacrificing the successes I have made.

Right, exactly.

And so we're going to kind of talk about that today because I feel that that's important.

4:04

Many people in society today would be like, well, don't worry about that.

You're succeeding in these things, right?

That's what matters.

That's that's a clear message because it's you're OK.

Here comes rant.

Like society has settled into this pathetic mediocrity.

4:19

It is really truly pathetic.

It's like settle for what's best, you know, just just do enough to not get fired.

Just do enough to get the grade and not fail the class.

And and if you're doing OK at all, like, wow, fantastic.

Enjoy that.

Why would you go for more?

4:36

Why would you try to get better?

You already have a couple things going for you.

Just be happy with that.

Be content, be complacent.

What a garbage garbage message and mentality and mindset to.

But I was thinking more of people who have achieved even more than OK or mediocre like that.

4:57

They are doing really well.

I mean, we're talking about people that are making millions of dollars in their business or really succeeding in finance or, or whatever it is like they're saying they're they're they're really super healthy.

They worked out a ton.

But we're saying you can't, and you already mentioned this.

5:14

You can't just ride on those successes, even though society would tell you, well, that's great.

You're, you're succeeding in that.

If this is falling apart, Oh well, you know, like it's, it's the cost.

That's what's required.

Or it's just.

Life, it's just life.

You can't succeed in everything.

5:29

And while we're saying that's true, you can't succeed in everything, Our philosophy, our approach, and what has worked for us pretty well is that you can succeed in the most important things and holistically succeed in them.

5:45

So you can succeed in your relationships, your marriage, your parenting, your finances, your health and fitness, your spirituality.

Like the six major things, you can succeed in those.

Yes, you will have to sacrifice other things in order to succeed in those things, but too often people are sacrificing those things in order to have success on the board or in this organization or participating in that thing.

6:10

All the while their family relationships suck and their children hate them and we're saying no.

Let's pay attention to the things that matter most give that our energy and focus and really find that success, the true success, fulfillment and meaning in life that brings the greatest joy and happiness that is possible yes.

6:31

So that's what we want to talk about today.

That's what we want to focus on.

I'm personally will get probably philosophical, metaphysical because I, I have lived this experience, I've lived this journey and so I'm going to be sharing that aspect of it.

6:49

And so.

I think I'll I'll be sharing an opposing.

No, it's not even opposing, but it's maybe I think what what will happen today exactly?

It'll be two sides of the same coin because there's going to be different aspects to success.

I do want to point out though, that one of the core problems that that cause good people, we're not talking about like lamos and losers, we're talking about good people.

7:16

And we're not talking about people that are actually, maybe I'm just trying to, I feel bad sometimes when you say lamos and losers.

And I and I do too.

I'm not, I'm not trying to human beings.

Yes, exactly.

I'm not trying to tear people down.

I'm just talking like the, you know, the iconic person's like I'm just going to do drugs or alcohol or I'm going to go out and just sleep with as many women as I possibly can and just party as hard as I can.

7:40

Even that person has parent value, has things that they can teach me and I can learn from them.

That has a beautiful soul.

And and in all honesty, even when you see that kind of stuff, it's like that, I guarantee there's something lost or broken or hurting some experience there.

7:57

So I get all that.

But I guess, you know, I want to emphasize we're not, we're not talking about somebody who's purposely trying to run off the Cliff.

I'm talking about people who are really striving to do good.

Many of them aren't drinking.

They're not like they're trying to live good.

They're trying to live family lives.

8:12

Good people.

And yet here's what I was getting to good people in their families, their priorities are screwed up and it's so hard.

It's especially so hard because they think their priorities are straight.

It's hard to see it.

So they're like, no, like I'm putting everything 1st and I'm like, I'm doing all the right things and I have other like no, when I stop and I get a chance to look carefully at your life, I'm like, no, your priorities are screwed up.

8:35

That's what's.

Struggling.

And I think the reason, the reason you say that and the reason we know that is because when we are truly aligned with our priorities, we feel it.

We feel aligned, which means we feel not that everything is perfect in your life and you never have any struggles, challenges or sadness, but you feel a sense of meaning, You feel a sense of fulfillment, you feel joy, you feel happiness again, not all of the time, but more of the time, most of the time.

9:05

That's how you know your priorities are aligned because you actually feel those things.

So as we go through this question and talking about it today, I want to emphasize that we know that we're off if things still feel off, if we still are struggling, which we're going to get into the with this question, we're still struggling every day to get up, to make it through the day, to just survive.

9:29

Something is off.

That is how we know because when we are aligned, it doesn't feel like that.

And so that's the metaphysical, the spiritual aspect I want to talk about today is like, we'll have, OK, I'm trying to do that.

So what's actually off if I'm not feeling it even though I'm quote UN quote, doing all the right things and checking all the boxes?

9:51

Exactly.

I want to share an experience I had this morning just as kind of a just a little insight.

We have a, we have a guest coming who's kind of going to be house sitting and pet sitting for us.

And you know, we invited him to have dinner with us last night and he just got to meet the kids and see me and Rachel and meet us and, and just stalks and stuff.

10:12

So we got this morning and we're out, we're walking the dogs and he's like, Hey man, how long you been married?

I was like 24 years.

It's like, wow, how do you do it?

Like you guys still got it, Like you're still in love.

Like I can see it.

10:27

It's like I see the passion, the romance and the spark and like after 24 years and it's like, and I, I saw your kids.

I thought those were the for sure the oldest kids.

Like it's like, how old are you, man?

How's this even possible?

And I was like, I got married 23.

He's like, still, it's like, bro, I never would have thought you were that old.

10:47

Like you're, you're so fit, you know, you're so jacked and it's like, and, and your marriage so great.

He's like, how do you?

And he was, it was so cool.

He's just so sincere.

He's like, how do you do it?

And I, and I told him some of the things we do and I shared some of the ideas and practices and he's like, he's like, you know, the problem is, is there's not enough models.

11:06

He's like, you are the second in my whole life.

He's in his 30s now.

My whole life is the second person I met that had a genuinely awesome marriage.

There's only one other person.

He's like, you just don't see it.

So he's like, how do I know what to work towards or what to go out?

11:24

Like how do I even know how to pull it off?

Because it's not modeled, it's not obvious, it's not common.

It's like, how do you pull this off?

So it was a cool conversation.

I got to share some practices and principles with him and and blow his mind at what's possible.

But it was so cool for a stranger to come into our world and be like, wow, OK, I can see that you have have it and it's actually possible, but how do you do it right?

11:48

Well, and I honestly, and I didn't even know that you're just telling me this for the first time, that conversation, which is so special and touching my heart.

Honestly, I think he's touching on the major problem we have in society today.

And that is that it is not being modeled.

12:03

And as human beings, we primarily learn through observing and modeling.

Like that's, that's how we learn how to talk.

That's how we learn how to walk.

That is how children learn to do essentially everything.

It's how they learn to have relationships.

So in a lot of ways, and I don't, I don't want this to feel hopeless, but I, I want it to helpfully, hopefully give a perspective that maybe provides a little bit of grace.

12:31

Like in a lot of ways, we're screwed from the beginning because it's not modeled for us.

We don't have someone showing us how to do it.

See if if you haven't seen it up close enough times like it's it's so hard to truly grasp.

12:46

There's so many little nuances that all the time I'm just like, but they don't understand this part of it.

That's why they're missing it.

So they're getting this, but they miss this and that's why it's not working.

Like that's constantly happening to me all the time because there's so many little pieces to this combination lock that it is difficult to communicate it in words.

13:09

Like it could literally, it would literally take a whole book and then plus more plus meeting and live.

Like there's so much that goes into it, but if you see it modeled for you, then it's easy.

Like our kids have an advantage because they see it every single day.

13:24

Day in and day out.

And so it becomes intuitive for them.

Well, and the people that come stay with us.

So people come, stay for weeks or months and they get a watch day in and day out and see, see and observe it.

That gives them an advantage and we get to observe them.

And so then I can poach out some specific coach, like, OK, I saw that little interaction and and they're like, oh, that was kind of unconscious.

13:45

I didn't realize I was doing that.

It's like that's there's your problem.

Well, it's, yeah, I think about that all the time too, because we also have some good friends that always come over and they have a three-year old and they they've been asking me like, well, what do we do about these tantrums that she's having and different things.

And the other challenge is the answer I give always depends on the specific interactions between the parent and child.

14:08

So when I actually see it, then I'm able to observe and be like, oh, this is what's happening.

And so I can notice what's going on.

Oh, in this case, she's feeling disapproved of.

And when she feels disapproved of, she wants to lash out in anger because no one likes being disapproved of.

14:24

No child, no human wants to be disapproved of.

And as a result, we end up acting out.

It's kind of like a self-defense mode.

And so when you learn that disapproval's at the heart of this.

So I need to have unconditional love while still holding very clear boundaries of like, this is what's acceptable and this is what's not.

14:47

But no matter what, I love you and.

It's not about you, it's about the boundary.

Exactly.

Yeah, that's so.

Powerful then becomes the nuanced understanding that makes all the difference in and that's a case by case thing like.

Every because it's very different.

You might have a three-year old boy that's just every time he gets angry, he's just hitting and biting and punching.

15:06

You're like, this guy's a little raging machine.

I was like, wait a minute, he doesn't have any other vehicle for his anger and he's is exploding and maybe he learned that from you.

Now you don't.

You're like, why don't hit?

Yeah, but you explode.

Yeah.

15:21

And so he's like, OK, yeah, that's what I do.

And so there's so many little aspects.

And our coaching will say things like, well, you know, tantrums are preventable because if you meet the underlying needs and there's no need for a tantrum, how that actually plays out in the real world is going to be nuanced.

15:38

Like we just discussed, in one case, it's a need to simply have an outlet for anger because anger is a valid emotion, but it just needs an appropriate outlet.

In another case, it needs to meet the need of being approved of, right?

And so there's so many layers and levels there, which is why everything we're talking about today can feel so challenging and feel like when I'm doing all the right things, I'm checking the boxes, I'm meeting their needs, and yet in some subtle way, the needs are not being met.

16:11

That's why the tantrums are still occurring, right?

Yeah, this is fun.

And this isn't the topic today.

But it's so funny thing too, because I remember meeting these families and these moms with the best of intentions had very, very tight schedules.

They would only allow their kids to eat meals at this time, this time and that time.

16:27

And that was it.

No food in between, no snacks in between.

Everything was scheduled and the kids were just breaking down and having these problems.

Like, why is this?

Why this like, well, the kids are hungry.

I legally can see your kids are hungry and they're they're having a meltdown and they're fighting and they're having all these tantrums at the same time every day.

16:45

You know why?

Because they're hungry.

She's like, well, that you know, that's a problem though, because we only eat at this time.

Like, where did that come from?

You, you made that up.

And so it's, it's collusion, it's self sabotage.

It's creating your own problem by having some arbitrary strict rule they think brings order and structure.

17:02

It's like, no, it's like you're causing chaos.

Yeah, Your, your, your, your attempt at order is causing the chaos.

Right, which is challenging because there is truth to the fact that when you have order and structure that brings more stability to the family, but.

But it has to be the right kind it.

17:19

Has to be the right kind in the right way.

It has to be nuanced, has to be flexible.

So that is why it can be so challenging.

So I guess I'm emphasizing this so that we have a little more grace for ourselves and we realize we're at a disadvantage.

We we haven't been shown, we haven't been modeled, we haven't been taught.

17:36

We're trying to figure it out.

We're doing the best we can.

We're listening to the podcast, we're reading the books, but they're still, and this is true for us too.

There's always going to be things, little things that we're missing.

And unless you become very self aware, it's difficult to figure out what that is.

Now I'm going to now I'm going to grab the other side of the coin because while I agree with you 100%, and I would say the same thing, it's like be graceful, be understanding.

18:01

You've never seen it done.

You're missing these pieces on the other side.

I was like, man, your priorities are still jacked and you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing.

Well, I'm trying.

Well, trying doesn't cut it.

Do or do not.

Yeah, exactly.

Trying doesn't produce results, period.

18:20

If you're trying to eat well, that is not the same as eating well.

If you're trying to exercise, that is not the same as exercising.

If you're trying to date your spouse and trying to express love, that is not the same as doing it.

18:37

And you don't get the results unless you do it.

So you're, you're sitting at, well, I'm just trying.

I'm like, well OK, then keep dealing with half results because you're only doing half actions.

And yes, that is also true, but I want to flip the coin again, because there's the messy middle, there's the, there's the part where in some ways you are actually trying because you're making new attempts.

19:04

So like, you know, you did it one way and now you're trying to do it another way and it's not working, but you're trying because you are trying to get a different result.

And so it is, it's experimenting, it's failing, it's floundering, it's faltering.

I think the problem where most people fall is that they stay in that space forever.

19:25

Not literally forever, but like people will stay there for months or years.

You and I.

That's one advantage we have.

We don't do that.

We try and we accelerate that trying and we shorten the time span so that we figure out what actually works and then we do the thing that.

19:44

Works, and this is one of our core principles, is that I teach all the times you can collapse time with intensity.

So you turn up the volume of your effort, your temps, your experiments, all that.

And it shortens the time.

So we don't have to be in there for months or years.

We've been there for weeks.

Like either this works or it doesn't.

20:01

We're we're turning up the volume here.

We're turning up the level.

And so we'll keep experimenting and doing different things, but if it doesn't get the results we're after, we're like, OK, next move on to the next thing.

And we keep trying new things and moving through it quickly rather than like, well, let me keep trying this thing for the next three or four months.

20:20

Know like you can know whether it's working or not.

Like it's not rocket science.

And, and we'll dive into that today because some of the some of the elements here.

And again, we're we're giving this big long preface here because it's so a comprehensive exactly.

And it's and it's complex.

20:36

Some of the things we're going to talk about are really truly black and white.

They're so simple and people just aren't doing them.

And other things are more nuanced or, you know, a little more finesse, a little refinement, a little tweaking, a little bit of iterating.

20:54

And some, some of those aren't as clearly black and white.

But on the black and white ones, you guys, if the formula is 123, just follow the formula.

But I don't know what it is.

It's so difficult for most people to just do exactly what you need to do and do it consistently.

21:16

If, and I I mean throw this out, for the vast majority of human beings, you lay out a clear formula like do this exactly for the next 30 days and watch what happens.

They can't do it or they won't do it.

I think the other challenge that crops up is that people also aren't paying close enough attention to recognize what is actually a result because this actually comes up in our coaching.

21:43

We'll be talking to parents and they're like, well, I'm trying these things.

You're talking about these strategies and and it's not working even though I am seeing slightly improved behavior, but it's not, it hasn't gone away completely.

And I'm like, OK, and we emphasize this point.

We're like you can't change destinations overnight, but you can change direction.

22:03

And so when your child starts to change direction, they're slightly nicer.

That is a positive result.

You're moving the right direction.

Worked.

Even though they're not over here in a new destination behaving exactly the way you want them to.

They have changed direction.

22:20

So that's a result.

And people don't like, it's like it's not good enough for them.

They're like, Oh well, they changed a little bit, but not all the way.

So that doesn't work.

I'm giving it up.

I'm moving.

On and it makes sense.

Let's say, you know, you say you did something unconsciously, but you did it wrong for five years, 10 years.

22:37

And then you're like, this is not working.

And so we share some new tools and strategies.

They start implementing them and they start it was better, things are better, it's working better.

It's like, OK, then it's working.

Yeah, but they're not this like, well, yeah, you're trying to make up for years.

Of doing things the quote UN quote wrong way.

22:54

And now you think, so you do it wrong for 10 years and then 10 weeks you're like, it's still not a complete transformation.

Yeah, it's gonna take some time, but it is working cuz you're now the results are coming.

In the right direction.

Exactly.

So that's something else we have to pay attention to.

23:10

It's like, well, are you heading in the right direction?

If so, then what you're doing is working.

Keep doing it.

Instead of saying, well, it doesn't work.

Let me go back to what I was doing.

It definitely didn't work.

OK, so I'm going to skim this e-mail.

23:26

It's very long, but I'm going to try to bring out some of the most important points.

So she says that she's essentially been following and learning from us since 20/20.

She really resonated with our approach, the extraordinary family life idea with spiritual connection, focus on family unity, travel, adventure.

23:44

Since that time, she's had a lot of great things that have happened, much better relationships with her kids.

As we talk about different things, she's like, Yep, that worked.

I tried it, yet yes that was super affected.

I love that piece of advice.

So fantastic.

So she's seeing positive changes, but I look at the big major challenges.

24:01

I look at big, major challenges parents have been talking about and the occasional, the occasional disagreements are getting less and less frequent in our home.

So it's.

Beautiful.

Huge wins.

Those were celebrated.

We've also been on some wonderful trips, although they've never been up to the level of extraordinary that I watch you guys do, Which maybe that's a whole nother episode topic of extraordinary adventures.

24:24

But we are doing them.

We're creating memories, we're having experiences, loving these times of family.

But it has been a year since we went on a major trip because I am struggling.

I can't seem to figure out how to create a really extraordinary family lifestyle.

There are mate.

24:41

Here are the major things that are still out of whack.

Social.

While my relationship with my kids is better and I'm in a pretty good place, it's not better with my husband and neither is it with the kids with each other.

So the sibling relationships are not great.

Spiritual.

24:57

I feel how are we gonna, are we gonna, should we touch on these one at a time or?

Can and then we'll then we'll touch on spiritual.

I feel no connection, no daily spiritual guidance.

There are a few amazing moments in between and answers to prayer, but on a daily basis I feel empty, physical.

I'm more overweight than when I started meeting with you.

25:14

I have some family members.

No matter what I try, they can't get healthy.

They're dealing with pain or extended periods of time.

They don't want to listen to my advice.

I'm kind of summarizing now, but of course I've never had to exercise with pain like they have.

25:29

Ever since you started your 28 day challenge, I've had a goal to get at least 7 hours of sleep.

But I can't even do that because I have kids screaming in pain or I'm working late, or I've lying in bed praying about how to create this family that I want, or I'm reading a book that just helps me relax even though it's not about development, just to get my mind to calm down enough to sleep.

25:51

Then financial.

So that was all in the physical area.

Financial.

Our finances and debt are not in a great place and I'm just trying to stay above water while not sacrificing the things that are most important to me or whole situation has like home, cars and stuff has never been more broken or cluttered.

26:09

Intellectual.

I've read several of the books you suggest and listen to the podcast, yet none of them really sink in and I'm not implementing it the way I need to.

The last two years have been full of some major changes, one after another.

Some of the things I've learned are one I can only change myself.

The knowledge and tools I have to respond to challenges and to create an extraordinary family life are completely up to me.

26:30

Bad stuff happens to everyone, so the problem has to be that I don't have the knowledge and skills to deal with the things in the best way possible.

Not saying I'm failing because bad things are coming my way, I'm just saying I'm failing because I haven't trained myself to handle those things.

Two second thing she's learned from us.

26:47

It's all about emotion.

I start and I end each day with prayer of gratitude.

I read scriptures, uplifting affirmations, good books.

I listen to podcasts and other trainings aimed at making real change.

I'm exercising, yet I'm losing hope.

Deep down, I believe that real change is possible.

27:03

Somehow I have to be missing something because every day has become just about making it through the day.

I wake up dreading the huge To Do List, even when that list starts with specific things I need to do to connect with my husband and each of my children, which should bring me joy.

27:19

I'm completely and totally exhausted.

My kids are getting older.

I'm closer to moving out every single day.

I can't seem to make the big changes to create that extraordinary family life I want.

What am I missing?

As I've listened to a lot of your stuff this week, it seems that most people, including you guys, Greg moving out at 16, Rachel losing her dad to cancer, having your financial problems in 2008.

27:43

Many people have to hit rock bottom before they can make the big changes.

They hit this horrible place emotionally, financially, spiritually, socially and physically.

Is there a way to make big changes without getting to that point?

Yes, because I'm really close and I don't want to go there.

27:59

Yes wow, so much this is good.

I'm literally taking notes so we can we can hit these.

Points.

Do you want to begin at the end or?

I want to begin by applauding, celebrating, like making sure we emphasize and point out all the good things that are happening, all the improvement, all the progress.

28:19

It's so easy for all of us to beat ourselves up.

Like we make this huge trek and transformation and we totally transform our lives.

And we go over and we look at the refinements we make like I'm a loser, never get anything right.

This is terrible.

And you're like, no, no, no, no.

28:35

Look back.

Look how far you've come.

Look at all the good things you've done.

So celebrate that like crazy.

Pat yourself on the bag, like feel good about who you are and who you're who you're becoming and the direction you're going.

That is so important because because I'm in a minute here, I'm bound to rant and and throw down and, and if you don't remember all the good you're doing, it's going to feel like you're not doing anything good.

29:00

It's like, oh, it's terrible and I am a loser.

No, you're doing so well.

It's so fantastic.

And this is true for all of you.

Please notice the things you're doing well and celebrate that, and then get real gritty and real serious about the improvements.

And I think that this is part of the human condition.

29:16

I know it's something I've definitely struggled with is that that is the nature of in some ways the upward reach.

It's another two sided coin because we have to be simultaneously so grateful and appreciative of everything we've already done and already accomplished and, and how far we have come, while also recognizing where we want to go and what's still falling short and, and what's still missing.

29:45

Like that's the biggest challenge because it is real.

But too many of us, and this is myself included, only tend to focus on what's missing, what I still haven't achieved, what I still haven't done, where I still haven't gotten, instead of being filled with this gratitude for everything that has happened.

30:05

And, you know, it's kind of the summary answer that is a key to it.

So she talks.

One of the things she's learned is it's all about emotion.

And that is true.

The more gratitude you feel for everything you currently have, including your struggles, the easier it will be to create the things you want.

30:24

Like, you have to be filled with like, sincere gratitude.

And this isn't just like checking the box gratitude, like, oh, let me write down my list.

I'm grateful.

This is like I sincerely feel grateful for this challenge it.

Permeates your soul and body.

Grateful for everything exactly the way it is right now.

30:43

Like I'm grateful for it.

Like I I'm perfectly content right now with the how it is and at the same time.

See, I don't operate like that.

I have to operate like that.

At the same time, I'm also discontent, so you have to be divinely discontent and content at the same time, which seems like a dichotomy.

31:01

Like how can you do that?

But you do need both.

But you have to do both.

And I, I just had a little spark of insight here as you were describing that I have built my identity on the things I've done.

Well, so it's a 2 sided coin.

31:17

So you go over and you're like, what have I done?

I've done this and this and that.

That's where I put my identity.

That's where I put my confidence, my certainty, who I am.

Then I go over to the other side of the coin where I have work to do and that's where I put my work clothes off.

31:33

Many, many people put their identity on that side of the coin like I'm a loser.

I'm I'll never be successful.

I'm such a failure.

I'm such a screw up.

I'll never be enough.

Their identity is on the wrong side of the coin.

Go back over to the other side, look at the successes.

31:52

That's where the identity is.

That's where confidence and self self esteem.

It's all right there.

Then built on that and that deep gratitude you're talking about, then you get to work on the other side.

Well, I think that that's very important, especially if you look at it from a metaphysical perspective, because you essentially attract more of who you are.

32:15

And so if your identity is tied up in those positive things, well, then you you naturally attract more of the positive things because your identity is positive.

Exactly.

Whereas if your identity is negative, you just keep.

Perpetuating.

32:30

Negativity perpetuating more negativity.

You're you're perpetuating more of what you don't want.

So in some ways, even this entire and and this is not to tear down the person that wrote this or to tear down people who do this, but look at the energy that has gone into writing this e-mail.

32:51

That's essentially, again, I'm not degrading this or anything.

Woe is me.

This is how sad my life is.

Still, there's a lot of energy behind that.

If this was me, because I don't want to also discount that energy.

33:06

It's real.

If it was me, I would spend a lot of energy in writing this out and then destroying it, releasing it, letting it go, throwing it away, burning it up because that's the process I'm trying to create.

I'm taking all this negative energy of like, my life is bad, it's horrible, It's not as good as I want it to be and I'm going to get it out.

33:26

And then I would spend a lot of energy in, in writing out what I actually want with emotion, with feeling, visualizing, like just manifesting it and sending that positive energy to what I want.

Now I'm I also don't want to discount the importance of seeking for help.

33:44

She's seeking.

Right, exactly.

And hopefully this exercise was was a form of venting and processing because that is really healthy.

Yes, it's like, oh, I'm just feeling this.

I'm going to get it on paper as soon as you write this.

Long emails, getting it out now if it's released, wonderful.

33:59

So, so those of you listening, please please, please practice this and pay attention to it.

What Rachel just articulated is spot on.

And most of us.

Yes, because we did the same thing.

We put so much energy, like most people, into the negative.

It's like this is off.

34:16

So like energy and emotion and focus and attention, it's like all of this power into the negative.

Into what's not working.

And they're like, what is working?

Oh, oh, that's OK.

It went all right.

And it gets nothing.

It gets no volume, it gets no excitement, it gets no intensity and intention.

34:34

It's just like whatever.

And, and the passion is on the negative.

So, so then the brain and, and the universe is like, oh, OK, all this negative.

This must be really important.

We'll keep perpetuating this.

Yeah, because as she mentioned, she learned, she's learned about the the importance of emotion and that is the key element to it.

34:54

Our brain, the universe, karma manifestation brings to us the things that we feel strongly about.

So if we feel very strongly about the things in our lives that are not good, we actually get more of those things because we're a magnet.

35:13

It is literally attracting more of that into our life.

Or in other words, saying it, we just keep planting those seeds.

And so our brain keeps the brains like a garden.

It doesn't care where you plant.

So if you plant weeds, it'll just produce weeds.

You plant good things, it'll plant good things.

So what you're doing when that negativity, just planting seeds, more and more seeds and the brains like, OK, well, we'll just keep, we'll keep harvesting that.

35:33

We're going to grow this like crazy because that's what you keep planting.

You really like this.

We're going to keep giving you more of it.

Like, I don't like it.

I don't like it.

It's like, well, you, you focus on it and keep thinking about it.

It's always in your head and so the brain just multiplies it.

And so while she she already has a good practice here focusing on gratitude morning and night, the key here though, is I can sense that she talks about dreading her day and dreading her To Do List.

36:03

Well, that right there is an energy that will bring you more of the things you dread.

Exactly.

And in fact, I have gotten to a point and you think, and I know logically I get this because I'm actually a very logical person logically, you see.

And you're a very emotional person.

36:18

As well yes, but I've leaned into the emotions more I would say within the last, I don't know, 5 to 10 years, where before that I feel like I was more logical, like I tried to be more logical all the time.

So I have both sides but.

And to be clear, you will regularly vent negative emotions as you're processing out loud to get them out.

36:40

Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, yes.

So I yes, I share that because I don't want everyone to think like we never get frustrated or, you know, bothered by the things that aren't working out right, how we want them to be better.

Yeah, but she's talking about the the dreading of the day.

36:56

And I had to learn that I don't go about my day that way.

I go about my day doing the things that bring me a little bit of joy and happiness.

You know, that's where it starts.

Even the slightest thing that seems enjoyable, pleasant, happy, joyful, that's where I spend my energy and attention.

37:17

That's where I put my focus.

And you think, well, but I have to get these other things done well.

If you're doing them with dread and anger and annoyance and irritation, you're only creating more of that in your life.

You have to either find the joy in doing that thing or just don't do it.

37:37

And I know that that sounds completely illogical.

I'm I agree with you completely.

I'm spot on, spot on with what you're saying.

But she said even even the To Do List of of things to connect with her husband and connect to the kids and, and do these positive things.

Wait, why you're doing it?

Why the?

37:52

Check it off.

No, but hold on.

It doesn't work even yes, that's true, but I'm backing up.

It's like, wait, why would we dread what's going on here?

And this is it like a coaching session, but it's it's true for everybody listening to it's like, why do you dread good, enjoyable things?

Because I hear this often.

It comes up.

38:08

It's like, remember, like, hey, you get to go to the gym and you get to eat good food and you get to hang out with your kids.

Like, wait, what's going on?

Wait, why would you dread going to the gym?

Why would you dread, you know, taking your dog on a walk?

You have a dog and you love to walk your dog.

38:23

Like, why are you dreading this?

They get you going.

Oh, man.

It's like sometimes we get in a mindset or just an emotional habit and we have to stop and catch ourselves.

Like, wait a minute, Why on earth would I dread good things?

There's something there and sometimes it's just unconscious or it's a bad mental habit.

38:45

It's you're attaching a different meaning to it.

But if I go cuddle with my husband, then he's going to want to have sex.

And so I don't want to cuddle.

My husband's like, wait a minute, why don't you go cuddle and then have sex?

Like, great.

That's going to produce way better emotions.

Yeah, like you get a cuddle and have sex.

Fantastic.

Like wait a minute, what why are why attach all the negativity to it and you have this big negative experience instead of you go in and have two really positive.

39:08

Experiences and I so I think as you're talking through that, this is actually a very important point.

Like this was something that I had to learn how to break down and break apart in my own self-awareness journey because I realized I would be, I would be dreading quote UN quote good things.

39:26

And as I began to understand my own psychology better and I realized, Oh, well, I am.

And that was, that was like a story for me.

Like I was dreading interacting with you, kissing you, hugging you, because that was going to lead to sex at some point.

39:42

And when I realized that, well, yeah, why am I dreading good things?

And I thought, oh, it's because then if we have sex that interrupts my schedule and then I'm not going to get to all my stuff.

And then I'm not going to get through my To Do List.

And then I'm not going to be an extraordinary mom because then I'm not going to have my kids doing the assignments.

39:59

And like, I had this whole list of things that were going wrong.

If I engaged in something like that or that, I mean, who knows?

Like then you're going to want sex all the time.

And then I'm going to never have time to do anything because you'll always be wanting sex.

Like, you know, I, I would make up all of these stories in my head of what was going to happen to me if I engaged in these certain behaviors, even if they were quote UN quote good.

40:23

Which OK, I'm so glad you articulated that.

That is a perfect example of messed up priorities that I was talking about before.

And and it seems it's so subtle and just such a just a little bit of difference.

Be like, wait a minute, how are my priorities messed up?

40:39

I have this amazing To Do List of all the things I need to do.

Like how is that a messed up priority?

That's because you're putting that above your husband and above your kids.

And so if you're like, yes, that To Do List is awesome.

Everything on there, great, fantastic.

40:57

Go cuddle, go kiss, go hang out, Make Love, do things I think work on your list.

And so now you've you flip the whole thing.

It's like, I get to kiss and hold hands and cuddle.

I get to have sex and then I get to work on my list and then I get to have this amazing life instead of have to.

41:13

And this is frustrating.

Then this, it's not exactly like I thought.

And so then you spend the whole day grudging, blah, blah, blah, blah, and you don't get through your list anyways and your husband's pissed and your kids are resentful and you're just angry.

So you go eat the whole Oreo package and you're like, OK, how was your day?

41:31

That sucked.

Well, why you created that?

That whole scenario you created by by these slightly misaligned priorities and mindsets.

Yeah, because if if your priority is to improve your relationships and especially if you want to improve the relationship with your spouse, well, one of the top priorities you should have is more sex like that should be on the priority list. 100% that should be on the To Do List.

41:57

You know, now, now I also get how especially for women, this is not the case for men.

Like sex becomes something you dread one, it seems like another thing, another thing to do, another need to be met too.

42:13

That's partly because women don't know how to have pleasurable sex.

They're literally not enjoying it.

So it just feels like a chore.

So then of course it is something to dread because you're like, I'm doing this for him.

I'm doing it because I'm supposed to check the box.

42:29

It's not fun.

It's not playful, it's not pleasurable.

Like what?

A drain, right?

So then you realize, OK, well, that's the problem.

Maybe what I need to do is figure out how to have better, more pleasurable sex.

Like, maybe that's the thing that's holding me back here.

Maybe that's the problem.

42:46

And so in this whole thing, you're.

Talking.

About in this whole thing you're talking about when you're saying get your priorities straight, you might think in order to create this extraordinary family life, I need to plan more trips.

And I'm using this example here.

I, I don't know all the scenarios.

We're simply using it because it's here.

43:04

You might think it's planning more trips, but really maybe it's having more sex.

We're figuring out how to have pleasurable.

Sex, There it is.

That's what I was going to say.

Like go to your husband, ladies, if you're not having amazing sex, go to your husband's and say, hey, I want to have absolutely.

Toe tingling.

Toe Ting off the charts orgasms.

43:21

Let's figure this out.

Will you help?

Me, he will say.

Yes, every day.

And and that's the thing that shifts.

Right.

And so, so, and we're using this as an example because I think it's an easy example, but this is one of the things we're talking about when we say your priorities are off because you think it's all these other things that have to get done.

43:43

And we're telling you, no, it's something like this.

It will literally change everything because trust me, if you start having mind blowing sex as a couple, people are going to notice like this guy you're talking.

That's one of the reasons we're still in love.

We have mind blowing sex like multiple times a week.

43:59

That is a key element here.

And so because we have those priorities in check, it helps everything else in our life to go better.

Yes, but people from the outside, they miss that they're like, I want a great relationship like you guys had and they're like, well then you need to be doing this, this and this.

44:17

Yeah, but you know, I got my To Do List and I'm busy and this and that and OK, there's your problem.

Another thing that's going to come up, and I wanted to get to this because it comes up all the time.

It's like, well, well, I don't feel very attractive or sexy because I'm out of shape and overweight and I'm OK.

44:33

Boom, there it is.

And so that needs to be addressed.

And this is where this is where the the the black and white.

It shouldn't.

I want to first say it shouldn't stop you from having better.

Sex 100% I agree just lean into it go for it.

But it came up and it comes up with everyone I talk to.

44:51

And if it doesn't come up, I bring it up because the body is the vehicle for everything you do.

And so it needs to be in a good healthy condition, right?

Do you have to be able to do a marathon?

No.

Do you have to be like shredded and leaned?

No.

45:06

But you need to be healthy.

You need to have energy, you need to look good, you need to feel good.

And, and this is where, so the very beginning, I was like, Hey, they're black and white things and you just need to do them period.

This is one of those things.

And like it specifically with this one, if you're gaining weight, it's because you're eating too much and it doesn't take more time to eat less, right?

45:30

So you can never ever use that as an excuse.

I still have time.

Well, stop eating as much as you're eating.

You're overeating.

And, and it's like, that is just the, the simplest biological formula.

Consume fewer calories than you're burning and consume better calories.

45:48

So you're focusing on protein and fats.

So you should be eating meats and cheeses as the bulk of your diet.

Especially do need carbohydrates.

Sure.

But we're going to get carbs.

It would take a superhuman effort to not get carbs right.

46:06

So do sometimes worry about that.

I gotta get carbs.

Like don't you worry.

The carbs are everywhere.

You can breathe in carbs when you walk in the grocery store.

Like the carbs will come.

Don't worry about it.

We need to focus on are the fats and proteins and then eating less and and if you only did that just that like so why I don't have time to work out and I don't And she mentioned and my body hurts and there's pain and and my kids.

46:32

It was your husband and her daughter, but here.

So we circle back and I think this is a core for this whole conversation.

And again, this amazing.

We know her well and she's amazing.

And so we're not.

This isn't like pick on her.

This is for all of us and everybody listening.

We're talking to everybody.

46:47

Yeah, we're talking to everybody about your situation.

Yep.

So we're using this as a specific example, but you've got to adjust it to you, the core here.

And she alluded to this because she's like, it's all about ownership, it's all about me, It's all about leading the way.

It's like my family's health is bad.

And so I my very first question is, well, how is your health and the answer in this case, well, it's not good.

47:07

OK, boom.

There's the very, very first thing that I would focus on if it were me.

I'm going to lose the weight.

Well, how do I lose the weight?

It's so hard.

No, it's not.

Eat less.

I'm not starving.

Myself.

47:23

Right.

No, 90% of weight is food, not exercise. 90% you guys eat less.

So I'm, I'm going to, if it were me, I'm going to focus on meats and cheeses and and creams and things like that.

47:38

Get the good fats and and proteins.

Well, I would focus even more on the proteins first.

Yep, and then the fats.

Yes, 100% and I'm going to eat less.

That's it.

And and this is what I was one of the things I was alluding to is like go for the next 30 days, 30 days without missing have low calorie count.

47:57

You can't not get better results.

It's incredible.

And so the very first thing here in the whole family dynamics is like, well, are you leading the way?

The answer no.

So you want your your family to be more organized and more friendly and more loving and more clean, But like, is your house cluttered?

48:14

Are you keeping your spaces clean?

No, there it is again.

It's like, well, my, my kids, they fight with each other and then right in in, in that very same sentence is, well, my husband and I aren't great.

So like, we can't expect our kids to get along if our marriage isn't spectacular.

48:35

Or getting along.

Well, no, I'm I, we're going for extraordinary.

This is extraordinary family life podcast.

Like this isn't the OK family life podcast.

So we're going for extraordinary.

So it all comes back to personal ownership.

That's not to make any of us feel bad.

48:52

It's to point out that is the way.

That's the way.

If you want your kids to get along, make your marriage amazing.

If you want your kids and your family and your child to be healthy, you be the model, be the poster child of healthy.

If you want joy and peace and optimism, you can't wake up every morning and dread your life because all you're doing is spreading that negative energy in your family.

49:17

Like you have to lead the way.

So if I want my kids to be happy, I'm going to be crazy happy.

If I want my kids to be healthy and fit, I'm going to be crazy healthy and fit.

If I want my my finances, right.

That was another thing that came up like because the finances like pay for it.

All the cool experiences like, well, we better get our butts after that and working on it hard and figure out the system and strategies to make it better, right?

49:41

Like it's, it's all.

It starts with us as the parents.

And I can hear people saying, I can hear her saying, but I'm trying to do that.

And so I want to address this in a metaphysical way.

But I do want to really quick add to what you're saying because any of you who've listened to our podcast or know anything about us know that I spent 23 years of our marriage not exercising.

50:11

And yet, yes, I gained weight when I was pregnant and stuff, but otherwise I've I practically maintained the same weight and that was only because of what I ate.

It had nothing to do with exercise.

So I was able to stay thin simply by my diet, meaning I ate less calories right then I didn't eat more calories that made me that had me gain weight.

50:36

I ate.

I was eating a few calories.

I'm not talking about starving myself like I I ate fine.

I ate great.

Until you're full.

In fact, you, you're always like, oh, I'm full, I'm full.

But it's it's the amount that's the healthy amount for your body and, and you feel full now when you first initially started, if you've been overeating and you eat what your body's supposed to have, you're going to feel hungry.

50:57

But it's only a couple days, has to adjust and then you realize I'm actually full with less food.

So that I'm saying essentially that works because I did it for like 20-3 years, not exercise, and I still was able to keep off the weight simply because I was eating.

51:15

Eating less sounds weird because I wasn't eating less, I was just eating the healthy amount.

For me it was equal to the amount of calories I was burning from normal activity, which wasn't hardly anything, right?

So it's totally possible.

That's that's such an important point.

You can get thin and look good without exercise simply by how much you eat and the quality of what you eat.

51:37

Exactly because that was the other very important point is I always ate quality food.

I was reading the ingredients and everything.

I was trying to do Whole Foods.

Like I, I was very strict about what I was eating and that was what made the difference.

Now on the other side of like, OK, you're saying, Greg, do all these things and laid out, well, that's what I'm trying to do.

51:57

That's why I'm emailing you.

I'm going to, but you're not something that sounds.

This is the far side of the coin.

You're not.

You're not doing it.

Trying and doing is not the same.

You're not doing.

Trying and doing is not the same.

And then the other thing is, and I know that people get this and yet we don't get it when we're talking about doing it ourselves, when we're talking about you can only change yourselves, we're talking about you have to focus on yourself.

52:28

You have to stop focusing on your family.

And that sounds weird, especially as like a mother, you can't focus on your family.

And you might be saying, what do you mean?

What do you, how do you not focus on your family?

I'm talking about I spend most of my time thinking about myself.

52:45

And this is not in a selfish way, but this is in how do I make myself better?

How do I feel better?

How do I find my joy?

How do I find my peace?

How do I get my health?

53:01

That's where my energy is spent because all of that time I spend thinking about trying to fix, control, change.

Everyone else in my life, my husband, my children, that's what you're talking about.

Again, where my priorities are off.

53:18

I can't get results for them.

Yeah, I can pray for them.

I can think about them.

But until I am leading out with it, I can't influence them.

I can't help them change.

I can't help them grow.

53:33

I can't help them want to listen to me or respect me or or take my advice because unless I have the results, they will not listen to me.

So it comes back to I'm literally spending most of my time on me because that's what I control.

53:50

If I want my, I literally do this.

If I want my children to practice an instrument, I am going to start practicing an instrument.

If I want my children to start exercising, which they do because of you, I'm going to start exercising.

If I want them to eat better, I'm going to start eating better and I'm going to control that and I'm going to lead out and I'm not going to give up when they don't follow along and say, oh, I'm not going to try this anymore because I don't care about them.

54:17

Yes, I do care about them, but I don't because mostly I care about me getting the results, which will then influence them.

And I'm saying that this might take some time because again, if you've been doing something one way for 10/20/30 years and you start changing, it could take some time for your family to say, wow, mom's getting these results.

54:39

Maybe she does have something to say.

Maybe she does have something to offer.

Maybe I should listen to her because she knows what she's talking about.

It's dropping the extra 30 lbs and keeping it off.

They finally go, wow, OK, that really worked and wow, fantastic.

54:56

Because every time I talk to my kids about what they should do to make their lives better, it's always more influential.

Influential when I tell it from my perspective of like, well, when I was struggling with this or when I was trying to figure that out, here's what I did.

55:13

And here's the results I got that convinces people way more than, well, I read about this and this is what you should do.

And yeah, well, I'm not doing that right.

You should do it because.

The perfect illustration is if if I'm 30 lbs overweight and I'm just like, guys, we've got to be healthier.

Hey, stop, don't eat this.

55:29

We've got to be healthier.

There's looking at me like, what are you talking about?

You're such a hypocrite.

Like it's not working for you.

I'm not even going to listen to you.

We've got to get ourselves and our lives in order and, and that sounds blunt and and hard and painful, but it's the absolute truth.

55:49

It is the power with which we can lead our families.

It's the painful truth pill you and I have had to swallow multiple times along our whole parenting journey.

It's like realizing, yeah, I'm not leading out in this thing.

56:04

No wonder they won't listen to me.

No wonder they're not following along because I'm not doing it.

But if I if I simply try to quote, UN quote, get them on board before we do it like I'm waiting for them, it's never going to.

56:22

Happen, right?

No way.

And it'll always be a battle and it'll create resentment and and separation.

Yeah.

Well, going back to where we started, kind of, it's like humans learn through modeling, but modeling only happens when they see the model.

When they see the example, that's when they're like, that's what you're talking about.

56:41

OK, now I can see it.

Now I get it.

Now I want to follow.

But without that, there's no vision, there's no drive, there's no purpose.

There's no there's, there's nothing motivating them to want what you're trying to describe because they can't see it.

56:57

They have to see it.

And they have to see in you, yes.

So again, I mean, at the risk of overemphasizing this, but I, I don't think so.

I don't think you can overemphasize it.

I don't, I don't know how to emphasize it enough.

Think about whatever you want for your family and then ask yourself, are you doing it very well?

57:17

If you want your family to be happy and peaceful, are you really happy and peaceful?

Are you really healthy and fit?

Are you really in love?

Are you good at solving problems and handling difficulties?

You are the way, you're the model.

57:36

So whatever you want for your family, be that example, it's that simple.

And then you turn.

And it's that challenging, but.

Yeah, but but then, then this is where I come back.

I'm like, hey, you, you keep, you know, let's say your house is cluttered and messy or your kids don't clean up their rooms again.

57:53

If it were me, like, OK, this weekend, this whole house is getting put in order and it's staying that way, period.

It's going to become my obsession and there may be truckloads going to the dump or to the, you know, the donation center, but it's getting done or, you know, I.

58:13

Wouldn't do it that extreme, I would just begin the process.

OK, but this is me.

Maintaining organization clean and I clean out and take stuff and you know, it would become a way of being rather than like a weekend.

I share that because I know a lot of people have been trying for years.

58:30

As I know we're we're done.

We're done trying.

It's time to do.

And so you, you, you take this bold action, like a pattern interrupt, boom and then implement the way of being.

For me, it would be because I want to give you guys some tools like so some of you, you know, you each have your individual struggle.

58:46

You've been trying to get results.

It's not working for me.

I'm going to take I'm going to take the next 30 days.

I'm going to be obsessed.

I'm going to go all in.

I'm going to lean into this and, and some of you, and I've helped clients do this.

You could drop 20 to 30 lbs in the next 30 days like you do the change your body and your life and your energy levels and everything if you'll just do it.

59:09

There's a there's a couple things I want to really point out here because while we are still talking about doing and just doing the thing, we also want to re emphasize the importance of doing it in the right way and in the right spirit and in the right energy.

59:29

Because if you just do it like to muscle through it to get it done, to check the boxes, it's actually the wrong sort of energy that brings you more of what you don't want.

So you have to learn how to do it from a place of gratitude, joy, like wanting to do it.

59:48

And I'm really serious about this.

If you don't want to do it then, and especially for women, this may not always be true for men because they, they operate in a different energy, different space.

Don't do it.

I literally, because she talks about again, going back to the dreading getting up.

1:00:04

I literally in the morning when I wake up, I don't think about my, I do, I think about my To Do List.

I think about things I need to do, but I look for the thing that excites me.

I look for that little thing that brings me a little bit of joy.

And it doesn't have to be a big thing.

Like yesterday morning we got some new goats and they're pygmy goats and they've, they're afraid of us at the moment.

1:00:25

And I got up and I thought, I'm going to go see if I can make friends with the pygmy goats.

Right?

Like, that was the little teeny thing that made me excited for my day.

It wasn't a big deal.

And yeah, I still have a lot of things on my To Do List I don't necessarily want to do.

But that was the little spark of joy that started my day.

1:00:45

That's how I start my day.

It's sincere.

It's not fake.

I'm not forcing it.

I'm looking for that little spark.

And then as I go through my day, I'm looking for those sparks.

Yes, I have a list of things that need to get done, but I try to be guided by the sparks of joy.

1:01:02

This is the thing I want to do now.

This is the thing I want to work on next.

I need to clean the house.

OK, I find a little spark of joy in organizing this kitchen cupboard.

Like it doesn't have to be a big thing, but that way of approaching it is like magic when it comes to modeling, you know, leaning out, finding the the meaning that you're looking for in your life.

1:01:29

Because ultimately that's what we're after.

We're after finding meaning, purpose, enjoying our lives.

And it doesn't come because everything is perfect.

It doesn't come because everything's now clean and organized and nobody's fighting and everybody's getting along.

It comes in the journey.

1:01:44

There is no way to happiness.

Happiness is the way.

That's what the Dalai Lama said.

Happiness is the way to getting what it is you want.

And not to be done in a manipulative way, but like finding the happiness is how you get to happiness in the small daily things that you're doing.

1:02:05

I know for me, I have to focus on the result I want because I don't always enjoy the method to get there.

So if I'm looking for motivation or, or happiness or something, the excitement, it's in the, it's in the, I think, you know, I've been working on stretching wire and fixing fences.

1:02:24

And you know, when you're doing it, you're like, you're this is so frustrating.

But I keep thinking, ma'am, when this is all enclosed, that's what I want.

I've wanted that for months.

Yes, I'm going to go work on that because I want the result.

So that's what draws me forward.

1:02:41

Because you might be thinking people might hear you say, if you don't feel like doing it, don't do it.

They're like, well, I don't feel like restricting my calories.

So I'm not going to do that.

I'm going to take Rachel's advice.

Just eat as much as I want because that's what I feel like doing.

But that's not the result you want.

It makes you feel like crap overall.

1:02:58

So restricting those calories and feeling hungry for a time, Great, so be it.

Yeah, yeah.

So it's definitely, and I do the same too there, there is this interplay that sometimes it's just finding that little spark of joy.

But then there's definitely also like the outcomes for me because right now my focus is on actually building muscle.

1:03:19

So I'm I'm restrict quote, UN quote, restricting calories in a different way because I'm focusing on protein.

And so it's the same thing like OK, what I want, I want to build the muscle.

And so that's why I'm sacrificing whatever it is I'm doing so I can get that outcome.

1:03:35

So that's good.

There was another thing, but I forgot it now.

So it's good to come to me.

Just just make a 30 day plan.

Actually, I do remember, sorry, I remember right now because I scrolled.

She, she talked about this and this is a very important point that I guess we can close on.

She talks about the, the rock bottom or the breaking point.

1:03:51

And as I was reading that you're like, no, you don't have to.

Although many people, ourselves included, have experienced the breaking point or the rock bottom in order to create the real change.

Because we finally get to a point where we're willing to, I think in some ways let go, surrender, recognize that we're not in control.

1:04:12

At least for me, many of my breaking points because I've actually had more than one she's she's mentioned a couple, but I've had more than one low point, rock bottom breaking point.

But they all essentially had what I would say the same message.

And it was this message of you're not in control, you are not in control.

1:04:34

And couple of them have been.

Yes, things can always get worse.

Yes they can.

Things can always get worse, So what you have to do is surrender to that possibility, but also surrender to allowing good things to come into your life.

1:04:53

Because as we've already kind of talked about, we're very often keeping the good from us because we're so focused on the negative.

We are so focused on the energy of what we don't want, of what's not working, of what's not going right, that that energy is keeping the good things from us.

1:05:13

It's like self sabotage.

We're preventing the good by focusing on the bad.

And so reaching that rock bottom or that breaking point forces you to let go.

It forces you to release, it forces you to surrender.

It forces you to allow.

1:05:30

And that right there, if I could summarize it, that is the energy that brings good things into your life, along with, of course, gratitude.

Gratitude and allowing gratitude and surrender.

Gratitude and letting go, bring more of the good things that you want into your life.

1:05:50

So we don't have to wait for the breaking point, but we should mentally create a breaking point or low point and think of through it and then get like sincerely get into that, that state of surrender, right?

1:06:08

And, and most people get to bring for ourselves included, because we keep tolerating the pain until it gets so bad we can't tolerate it anymore.

We're trying to force, we're tolerating, but we're also like forcing certain things missile and priorities like we're forcing the wrong things and force in general.

1:06:25

Like even when in the things we're talking about is it is more of an energy of allowing or surrendering or or flow.

You could also word it that way.

It's more of a state of flow, right?

You're flowing towards the outcome you want.

You're working on the fence.

It's hard work, but it's energy toward the outcome you want, rather than energy focused on forcing and controlling and.

1:06:49

This is the yes, yes, yes, yes.

There's been so many examples in our life of that.

But this is the two sided coin part where the other side of the coin is like, I'm going to keep working on this once I make sure it's the right target and the right effort.

1:07:04

Once I get clarity on that, I'm going to keep pounding that thing until I get the results I want.

And maybe that's a more masculine thing.

It is definitely more masculine, but I also think the key element that you mentioned there is that you're focused on the right ideal outcome.

1:07:21

You're focused on, like you already said, the result you want.

Because I think this is true even with you, because it happens sometimes if you get in the wrong state where it's more of a negative focus, things don't go smoothly, you're getting stung by Hornets and you're like bleeding and cut.

1:07:39

But if you're in a better energy state, focusing on the positive results, it's like things.

It's less force and it's more allowing and it's a better energy that helps you accomplish the project, even though it's still hard work.

I'm not saying it's not hard work or strain or struggle.

1:07:55

That's still there, but it's flowing more easily in the right direction.

That's what I'm trying to explain imperfectly here is like, there is this energy behind it that, yes, even in the strain and struggle and work and sweat and tears, you can have it be miserable or you can have it be in almost.

1:08:17

Yeah, most enjoyable. 100% yeah, yeah, it's beautiful.

So I guess you know, those of you listening, thanks for listening.

Thanks for being here.

And well, and if you need more tools and resources, this, that's why we created our courses, literally why we, we take all these tools to get all these results and put them in there.

1:08:34

And, and we've created lists like this is exactly what we have done to get the, the results we enjoy.

And so it's all in there.

But my point here is get crystal clear about the result you want and love the word obsessed.

Just get obsessed with that thing and make it this, this point of focus.

1:08:55

And yes, life is going to happen.

There's going to be distraction, there's going to be difficulty.

So what if you want that result and it's the one you want?

Lean into it and keep going until you get it and and don't let up.

But to keep.

1:09:12

This is fun, I know.

We keep going back and forth.

I think it's both sides of the same coin.

It's both because at the same time you have to.

It's like I'm trying to put it into words.

It's like, yeah, you don't let up, but you also have to let go because you keep in mind the outcome you want.

1:09:31

But here's the challenge.

You keep in mind the outcome you want, but you think it's going to be accomplished by doing XYZ.

And so you keep pounding XYZ and then you're like, why isn't XYZ working?

Because you have to let go.

It's going back to what we talked about that maybe what you need to do on the To Do List is your husband right?

1:09:51

You need to be having sex instead of trying to accomplish the list.

You need to be doing something that brings you insane amount of joy, even though it feels like a waste of time because you're in debt and you're trying to pay.

Like sometimes the very things we need to do are actually counter intuitive to what we think is logical to what we think logically makes sense.

1:10:12

And I felt this so many times in my own because I've told you it like I am a logical person.

I'll be like, we need to make money right now.

It makes no sense for me to go Make Love to my husband.

It makes no sense for me to go to the beach.

But often that's the exact thing I need because that puts me into a better state, more positive energy, which then makes it easier for me to make money.

1:10:33

It makes it easier for me to interact with my kids because I feel more positive.

And then you come back and you have better ideas and you're in a better state.

And so then this is where you go to the other side of the coin and you're like, well, you need more clients.

1:10:48

OK, well, how do I get more clients by emailing or making calls?

And this is where people fail on the on the to do side.

They're like, you know, so maybe even in this case with the emails, like what we need more clients because that'll increase our income more, more clients like, OK, well, how do you, what's the best way to get clients?

1:11:07

Who, who are your ideal clients?

What's the best way to get them?

So I'm going to reach out to them.

OK, well, how many people have you called in the last week?

6 It's like it should be 60 or 600 or 600 exactly.

So that's the other side of the coin of like if, if that's the most effective way to get new clients, then make 600 calls as quickly as possible and then do another 600, then another and just pound that stone.

1:11:35

But do it from this great state of happiness and clarity and positivity.

State of obligation A state of worry.

Scarcity.

Yeah, yeah.

And so that's why this is challenging to articulate all of this because it is.

1:11:52

It's seemingly, it's the yin and Yang.

It's seemingly opposing forces.

It's seemingly opposing and contradictory concepts, actions, feelings.

And yet that is the challenge.

That's where the magic lies.

Learn to do that.

Like, OK, I'm going to do what needs to be done, but I'm going to do it from a state of gratitude and joy rather than dread and obligation.

1:12:18

I'm going to take some time to do the things that don't seem like they are, you know, helping me make progress.

But those things are going to help me make progress because they're going to put me in the right energy state.

This is the balance that's difficult to navigate, and yet it's key.

1:12:40

Yeah, it's the answer.

Yeah, it is.

And so as as you're sitting there thinking, well, I want to have a great relationship with my spouse.

I want to have a great relationship with my kids.

I want to have the extraordinary family life.

It's so easy to think, OK, well, I need to do more things and run the kid, sign the kids up for more activities and then drive them all over the place and like, well, no, you need to really connect with them deeply in the way that really connects for them and for you.

1:13:10

In fact, in some ways I would say, well, we are very much doers.

Like we do, do, do, do all day long.

Like that is actually how we, we, we recover, we rest, we, we find pleasure, we find joy, we find productivity like that.

1:13:27

That's our main thing that we love.

I would also say you have to learn how to do less.

So we, we talk about doing a lot of things, but we also, I want to emphasize you have to do less and what I mean by that.

So you do do fewer things.

1:13:43

But you do more of the right thing.

Exactly.

And one of the ways that I've learned to do that is by and asking myself, asking God, asking the universe, what is the next best thing I should do?

So I have my whole list and I have this idea of how it's going to be done, but it's when we come to that centered place of internal guidance and intuition that we get the answers we actually need for the moment, that's going to bring us the real meaning and fulfillment.

1:14:17

And the results?

So instead of trying to do 100 things, you you find the top 20 and you just do those incessantly.

But but it comes from that real inner knowing, and that's the key.

And that's what makes the difference, because you're not just checking things off just for the sake of checking them off.

1:14:38

You're actually being guided by this noble ideal that connects with your inner potential.

That becomes your guide.

I know it sounds crazy, but that really is something there that's so important that when you can learn to do that, it makes all the difference.

1:14:57

It's not just about checking off the list.

It's not just about getting things done.

Yes, that's important, but it has to be intuitively guided.

It has to be divinely directed in order for it to be the actual things that will make the real difference.

Beautiful.

1:15:14

I love that.

That's a lot of stuff.

It is, and it's getting to that spiritual center, too.

Yeah, the spiritual center.

And maybe this sounds even more confusing.

Maybe your guys are like, what are you even talking about, Greg and Rachel?

Like, what is going on?

But when we get to this place where we feel like I've tried all the things, I've done all the stuff, I'm checking the boxes, I'm doing the stuff, I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm dreading.

1:15:38

That's when we have to just let go.

We have to breathe.

We have to be in the moment.

Maybe you literally need to take a few days doing nothing and you think I can't because there's too many bills and too many things that need to be done.

I don't care.

I've done this multiple times.

I will take that time off and I will just sit with myself and I'll find my center and say what actually matters most and I'm going to do those things and those things only.

1:16:03

And it's during those days, well, you're resting that I'm out pounding the stone, getting things done, moving.

Now you.

Know what?

OK, yes, that's fair.

But I, I don't want that to be a dissuasion.

1:16:20

If, if a woman thinks I can't do that because I don't have that support for my husband, I don't care.

Do it anyways because it will make you more powerful and that power is going to be more.

Well, if you do it well, you have more clarity and the clarity is what is real power priority.

1:16:36

Will.

You work on the right things, yeah.

Right.

Because otherwise we're running around like a chicken with her heads cut off.

We're not knowing what we're doing or why and how and what that what not.

We have to have clarity and we have to move forward with clarity.

And then when I get that clarity and I know and it can be something, it can literally be this because this is sometimes what will happen.

1:16:58

I'll say I need to clean up my space and then I will put all of my energy and attention and focus into cleaning up my space.

And that's what I will do.

Everything else will wait because I got clarity about that one thing and now I'm doing it and I will do it until it's done.

And then I'll go to the next.

1:17:14

What's the next thing I need to do?

OK, I'm going to do that and I do it until it's done.

Now when I say do it until it's done, it might take me 6 days or whatever, a couple weeks, but I keep working on it every day until I get that thing that was clear in my mind because you think it's not connected, but it is.

1:17:34

You think, how is cleaning up my space going to help me make more money?

Well, because when you order your space, you order your mind.

So bringing order to your space is actually clearing out negative energy.

It's helping things let go move through.

Money is energy.

1:17:50

Money is flow.

So when things flow more in your life, when they, when you clear out the clutter, you honestly are actually making more space for money to flow in your life.

That's like true metaphysics.

So very often the very, the actual thing I need to do is something that doesn't make sense because you think why I need to work on my business.