Why Habits Matter More Than Grades for Your Teen’s Lifelong Success

Rachel Denning (00:00)
habits are critical, and nobody's teaching it.

everything you're doing is habitual and it's trained into your brain.

we have to reprogram ourselves so that we then develop the positive habits

You tell me your habits, I can tell you your future.

if we were taught which habits would help us create a successful life,

Hey, everybody. Welcome to another episode of the Extraordinary Family Life podcast.

Thanks for being here. We love you.

Thank you for caring about your family, about your life, and wanting to be a better person.

And we will strive always to not be a waste of your time to share things that are actually valuable and make a difference. And today, we're going to talk about the most fundamental building block of the outcomes of your life,

in society, have it kind of as a whole, in general, have it backwards. So exactly. So what we're talking about are the foundational. I mean, everything we've studied, we've personally experienced.

we've researched show that this is the foundational piece of creating a happy, successful, meaningful, purposeful life and exactly an awesome life, a fulfilling and exciting and wonderful life. Personal and family life. Yep. should be taught in every school and yet it's not even mentioned. in every grade, this should be the emphasis. So what we're talking about today is habits.

Because

your habits are literally the building blocks of your life. You tell me your habits, I can tell you your future.

And it is your habits that determine what you do, who you become, what you achieve.

So everything you're doing is habitual and it's trained into your brain.

And at some point your body too. And your body, yes. Muscle memory. Yes, at a cellular level.

it's fascinating. It's not just in your head, but it's all throughout your body. Right. And for example, you could have a physiological response to the idea of working out. You might...

about working out and your body will respond in a certain way maybe with resistance or a sort of depression like don't want to do that right and so that's a habit right there and that habit is preventing you from working out which is preventing you from having the health you want

Absolutely and your example right there is actually

Good example layers of habit. There are thought habits. There are feeling habits and there are like action physical action habits behavior. Yeah,

what really starts to Have such an impact is that our habits become subconscious or unconscious they become automatic And we end up doing things that we don't realize we are doing

the fact that we do that as human beings is a good thing because otherwise we would be so overloaded with information, trying to remember every single thing that we're supposed to do and then remembering all the steps of every process that it would be overwhelming.

The conscious mind cannot handle all of the information and data and stimulus and inputs coming out of every day. Exactly.

We just have to learn how to use that to our advantage. We have to pay attention to the unconscious habits we do have, decide if they are what we want, if they're positive, if they're going to create the outcomes we want in our lives. And if not, we have to reprogram ourselves

so that we then develop the positive habits

that will bring us

the outcomes we actually want. That's how we use this technique. It's not a technique. We use this subconscious programming to our advantages by reprogramming ourselves.

And how different our lives would be if as a society, about this. We taught this to children. We told them, hey, everything you're doing now will be a habit that will be a part of your life.

So be very thoughtful about it. strategic. mean, if we were teaching this all along the way, if every year we're talking about it in interesting, exciting, and relevant ways to kids, and so we all grow up knowing that our lives are built on habits, think how conscious we'd be and how directed and intentional. Like, whoa, this is going to be a major part of my life. This is going to be with me, right? You set up a habit. Like, this is going to go with me now for years or decades or the rest of my life.

I'm gonna be a little more careful about this one. Well, and if we were taught which habits would help us create a successful life,

I mean that's huge. Being able to know, these are the habits I want to have. These are the habits that will help me create a successful life.

I've talked to people who

either don't know and even those who do, if you're asking what are the habits for happiness and success, they know them but they don't do them. That's what I was actually gonna say. So cognitively they're like, yeah, you do this, you do this, you do this. I'm like, okay, now hold that up against your actual habits. What you're actually doing. What are you doing day in and day out? And what's interesting is we,

we don't have as much awareness as we think, because we kind of automate life as a survival mechanism and just the way life works.

And so we're going along, we might know consciously or cognitively know what habits are the right ones, but they don't always align up with our actual habits. That is critical. And this piece of awareness. So

I guess if you're taking notes, first is to do your homework, study, research, learn, identify the most important habits for a truly happy and successful life. And this was my quest.

early on you guys that's why I was so desperate as a teenager out on my own so lonely and so broke and so hopeless and discouraged

literally, I've been on a quest since I was 16 years old to identify and implement the habits for a successful and happy life. And then of course, I mean, we've been very deliberate about teaching that to our kids because we've noticed that that's not being taught. It's not being taught in school. It's not being taught.

in homeschools, it's not being taught hardly anywhere at all. This whole idea that in order for you to actually be happy and successful in life, yeah, you need to get an education, yeah, you need to study academic subjects, but really, you need to develop the positive habits that are gonna produce the outcomes in your life that you want.

In fact, I thought of, we have this quote

Every single qualification for success is acquired through habit. Men and women form habits and habits form futures. You are the kind of person you are because you've developed the habit of being that kind of person.

If you do not deliberately form good habits, you unconsciously form bad ones. You are the kind of person you are because you formed the habit of being that kind of person. And the only way you can change is through habit. That's by Albert Gray in his.

Masterful discourse called the common denominator of success which you can look up online

one of the reasons is because of a lack of focus on positive habits. In fact, it's almost the complete opposite because in school, including, well, maybe as young as elementary, middle school, but definitely high school and college.

kids are taught, sacrifice your health, sacrifice your well-being, sacrifice your sleep in order that you can get good grades. You need to stay up late, you need to study, you need to do tons of homework, right? So that you can get good grades. So you can graduate, you can get a degree. And while, again, it's not like we're saying,

you shouldn't be learning, you shouldn't be studying. mean, anyone that knows us knows that that's not true. We believe in education, we believe in studying academics, but it's this idea that we're putting that up on a higher pedestal. That the academic subjects, and more specifically the grades or the test scores or the graduation is more important than your mental or emotional health.

we neglect things that actually make a difference, which is habits. And sleep. To the emphasis. Things like that. Like sleep. On things like grades that researchers shown again and again don't actually have any bearing at all on your ultimate happiness and success. So for more on that, there's a great book called The Millionaire Mind by Thomas Stanley.

let's just look at it from a mental health perspective. We're literally in a roundabout way saying neglect your mental health so you can get good grades.

But that's a messed up system. We're not teaching the things that actually matter and that actually make a real difference long term, short term and long term. And the social conditioning, whether it's blatant and obvious or kind of an undercurrent is look, go to school, get good grades, do what you're told, conform, fit in, do what you're supposed to do so you can get a job and do your thing. That's kind of the...

the underlying message and some people are very open and articulate about it. Like they say exactly that's what you're supposed to do. And yet where in that whole dialogue are the messages? The habits for a successful Yeah, where are the habits for a happy and successful life? Where are the people saying, whoa, first and foremost, let's make sure you are a genuinely happy person. And here's how to do that. Yes. Get enough sleep.

Well, beyond that, I was just thinking immediately of Aristotle's ethics. He says, because he dives in deep, what is happiness? Okay, you're moving to another level That's a whole other level, but it's worth addressing quickly. It's like, what is happiness, really? And he dives into that. It's beyond pleasure. It's beyond like, you know, food and things and experiences. What are these pleasures? It's way beyond that. It's deep happiness. And then he says the only way to be happy. this, I mean, he's real deep thinking and philosophy here. It's amazing.

is to be virtuous. And then he dives into what the virtues are. And if you dive into the virtues, the only way to have and acquire and keep virtues is through habit. It's your way of being that creates your life. There's so many great resources on this and so many ways to address it.

I want to go through some of what are these habits of a successful life and then how do you actually implement them.

if I can just keep driving that home to all of you listeners, everything you do or don't do is because of habit. Like our lives are literally built on habit. And maybe we haven't thought of it that way or thought of it that thoroughly, that every aspect of my life is habit.

It's habitual.

So when we started learning this, well, I started learning it.

in my late teens, literally, and I was like, wow, okay, this is huge, I wanna start forming good habits. And I started working on it, and at a very elementary level, I remember hearing like, oh, if you do something for 21 days, it'll become a habit, which that's not really true. But it's built on a truth that if we do something with repetition,

And emphasis there if there's more emphasis and energy and emotion around it It sticks more because the brain goes well, this is important and it makes it stick but it's built on its truth of repetition so early on I was like, I'll just keep repeating this and Unfortunately, I started doing it and so I picked up and and deliberately cultivated and replaced some bad habits with really good habits and It changed my life. So I wanted to start sharing this and I started sharing it all over the place and

I became a teacher and just shared and shared and then I did more coaching and mentoring. I've been talking about habits for well over two and a half decades. And I even lead a class now for youth. As long as I have youth and young adults in my family, I will lead a class for youth because it's fun.

I love it. love youth. I love young adults. And they're in such a pivotal stage of life.

And not just that fun, but it's important. whole reason we started the class that you do is because we noticed habits are critical, again, our whole story, and nobody's teaching it.

Where are our kids going to learn this?

They need to learn these habits for a successful life. We need to be having these discussions about these habits that they need to be having. And so, yeah, I mean, that's why we started the class. led naturally to, well, we couldn't find it. So we're like, well, let's just create it. Who better to teach it than you? Yeah.

And so we take these fantastic books and we use different books every class.

I've been teaching youth and habits type classes, leadership, personal development, social skills, classes for a lot of years. And then I was teaching youth even before I met you. That's true. I was teaching, and I was constantly teaching about habit.

So I've been literally standing in front of youth since we've been here 21 years and before that. So this stuff matters so much, and it makes such a huge difference. And I still get messages. This is so cool. I still get messages. I got a couple more last week from youth who are now grown, raising kids, saying, man, you changed my life. And I remember you telling your story and teaching these principles, and I'm still remembering those things and using those things in my life. So this stuff matters.

And that's why we're bringing this up and why we're talking about this today is because it matters to you in every level of your life and it matters to your children.

I remember this was probably a couple years ago. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was before COVID. A mom had reached out and her son had

either was considering it or had talked about suicide. And obviously she was seriously concerned about this because you should be very concerned if any child is talking about suicide. And as you were discussing with her saying, what do you think you should do? Because you're, you know, that's the approach you take. It's kind of a Socratic approach of asking them questions. So they're thinking of solutions, not that you're just handing them out.

One of the things she said was, you know what? I really think I should take him out of school because there's, you know, the influences there and different things had been happening at school, bullying, I don't know, something like that. So it was this clear insight that she had, but then it was so fascinating. Of course, you told me this afterwards, but then her immediate concern was, what about his grades? And here we go back to this idea again, that we're literally placing grades on this altar of like,

all-important when a life is on the line. And yet we don't want to sacrifice the grades in order to save the life if required. And the truth is we should be easily, quickly willing to do that, to sacrifice the grades and even the academics if necessary in order to create true wholeness in a child. In a human being, in every human being.

But that's a great illustration of how deep the programming is. Absolutely. And I would say habit. How deep the habit is of worrying about grades and our position in society, whether we're keeping up or on pace or at a level. It's so deeply ingrained in even that habit. The thinking and feeling and concern and worries, it's all habitual.

Right. It's incredible. And so, you know, we want to dive in and talk about, you know, these great habits and why they make a difference and how because of, again, maybe there's a beautiful scale. See it as a scale of habits. So on the far, far side are really destructive habits. On the other far side are just world-class habits. Well. And then everywhere in between, there's a scale of habits. And sometimes some habits are just like,

Okay. Yeah. They're kind of neutral. Yeah, they're neutral. And you're like, well, it's not really serving you, but it's not really hurting you. So there's a full scale of habits we could say. Right.

So obviously we want to move ourselves to the higher end of the scale and go through each part of our life and see how we can form better habits that optimize our lives and help us feel happier and be more successful.

looking back over our own lives, I know that we have gone through the process of analyzing every habit in our life and then if necessary reprogramming those habits and over time that's what's produced.

the current life we have,

So if we consider that perhaps 20 % of our habits are producing 80 % of our results. so if you'll look at the most important habits, because I would say you could go through your habits and order them in a matter of importance and impact, and then reprogram, be aware of it, reprogram it, get a new in, and use change.

in a day or two, or in a week or two, you can create drastic results. And then if you keep going, then they become automated, they become.

easier, like Emerson said, that which we persist in doing becomes easier to do. Not that the nature of the thing has changed, but that your ability to do has increased. And so it becomes easier and easier, and then it becomes automated, and then it becomes your way of being. So you're just rolling along, and you're just like, this is just how I do things. People are like, how do you do that? And you're like, I don't even think about it. I just do it. It's just a habit. Yeah.

I just don't understand why it's not being taught. It should be what we're all learning in school when we get educated. And here's part of the irony is, particularly around this issue in this country, in the United States, they are far more likely to prescribe some kind of medication as the solution long before they'll ever talk about habits. habits would have a far greater effect,

They just came out with another research report. They found that regular vigorous exercise was more effective than medication for depression.

And then they found this out. But over the long term, right,

they were just tracking exercise versus depression medication. Then over the long term, there was a change, right? It worked initially, it was better.

they found once they hit a certain threshold of length of time, then they found that exercise was way better than medication. Not just a little. Not just a little better. It was way better because of habit. Right? You lean into it and it just found that the results just kept getting farther farther apart. gap. Yeah, exactly.

And so when someone comes to me with this and you'll find really great physicians and therapists, counselors, cetera, psychologists, when somebody comes in, they're going to look at them.

first thing and say, we're gonna identify your habits. What are you eating first and What time do you get up? Yes. What time are you going to bed? Those are huge.

and this is the stuff that I'm constantly talking about in the Habits for a Successful Life class. And I'm writing about it in the book I'm writing.

And I'm teaching your coaching clients. Yeah, with coaching clients, we're constantly going back to these fundamentals. And we want some magic pill. We want some quick, easy fix. Like, well, just tell me, what do you do? I'm like, well, you need a new habit. You need a lot of habits. Yeah, you need a lot of new habits. And that can be hard or discouraging to hear. And yet, that's the best news anyone could give you. So why does my life suck? Well, because your habits suck.

That's why. Which ones? All of them. But start with these top 20%. It's so hard. That's great news. If I could tell you today, like, change these 10 habits, it'll completely change your life. That's fantastic news. Now get after it. Yeah, but it's hard.

If you think forming new habits is hard, try...

living with your bad ones for the rest of your life. That's hard. That's brutal. that's the truth about it because we know people, friends, family members that are living with the results of years of bad habits and it's painful. It's devastating. It's devastatingly painful. It's painful to watch. Exactly, that's what I'm saying. It's painful to watch. can't even imagine living through it. the truth is it's like

Pain now or pain later, but there's gonna be pain. So gladly, gladly would I accept the pain of forming new habits. And it's not even painful necessarily. It just requires effort and alertness, consciousness. You gotta be awake and alert and aware.

So let's dive in. What are they? First and foremost, it's going to be good sleep and sleep.

Before midnight, I was writing about it today, it's like, it's gotta be before midnight. Get your behind in bed. It just makes only reason you're saying before midnight is because within the last few years we've learned that there are different brain types. I have a different brain type than you, so like 11.30 is basically my bedtime, where you could easily go to bed at nine or 10.

you can recondition your body to move that where you get up. Again, you have this habit without an alarm clock, you'll form a habit of getting up early and starting your day. So get good sleep.

Two, make sure you have good habits built around food and your relationship with food. So food is a relationship. Eating is part of life, but it is a habit.

What you eat, how you eat, when you eat, those are all you feel when you eat. Yeah. How you feel about what you eat. Emotional. Yeah. Emotionally. So those are all habits and you can transform them.

So form really great habits around food. And what's, the body will adjust,

Reading. Well, sorry, before you go to reading, because I think directly connected to the habit of eating is the habit of shopping. Like what you buy at the grocery store is one of the biggest determining factors on the quality of the food you're going to eat. you've got to change the habit of what you put on your shopping cart.

someone was asking me They're like, wow.

get my kids to eat dinner or how do get them to eat healthier food? I'm like, well, what do you mean? Like, stop buying things you don't want them to eat. It's that simple. If you don't want them to eat a certain thing, stop buying it. It is that easy.

The beautiful thing about that is you're developing the habits that they are then going to carry throughout their life. And we're starting to see that somewhat now with some of our older kids.

They've noticed that I feel better when I eat this kind of food. I feel better on this type of diet.

And so while they are still developing their own habits of, you know, buying things and what they eat on their own, they know when they come back with me, they've got it. And plus more importantly, they know that this is a healthier way.

this is worth emphasizing so much that as you want to instill good habits for yourself and your family and your children, do it in a good way because I promise you, if you do it in a way that breeds resentment, they will resist it forever. then they'll do the opposite. Even if they know it's a good thing. And specifically, like say with bedtime, if you're having a fight every night trying to get your kids to go to sleep,

they're subconsciously gonna have a habit of despising sleep and not liking sleep, not wanting to go to bed. Exactly. And you'll create this monster where you're telling them, go to bed, it's good for you, go to bed, eat food, you're gonna eat this thing and they're gonna be like, I'm out. They're them for the opposite, which in Atomic Habits by James Clear, he goes into that a lot. He talks about the psychology of developing habits. And in fact, this is one of the techniques for creating new habits is you have to create these positive associations.

He talks about something simple like toothpaste and brushing your teeth. He's like when toothpaste originally came out, it just tasted like bleh. It was like baking powder or something. It wasn't pleasant. And people didn't brush their teeth just because it was slightly distasteful. Yeah, they weren't going to do it just because it was good for them. But once they made it, you know, like whatever, a positive flavor, then it was easier. A fizzy bubbling experience. and like, you know, it's pleasurable.

Then people brush their teeth because it was actually a positive experience instead of a negative experience, even in a small way like that. So you have to think about that when you're conditioning habits for yourself and for your kids, there has to be a positive association there. And then on the other side with eliminating bad habits, you need to create a negative association.

At a fundamental level, use this to your favor. Human beings are driven.

by pleasure and pain. So positive association, negative association. So as you're trying to deliberately form habits, use those two things in your favor.

So a couple other ones, we can't get all these, but move your body.

vigorously and often. would say five times a week move your body. Do something if it's fun, if it's enjoyable to you, you're more likely to do it. So keep doing that. Do whatever you gotta do to get your body moving. It's gotta be, I just can't emphasize this enough. Just move your body. Don't be just sedentary. We didn't talk about reading. I just think we need to be, the brain needs.

nutrients just like the body needs nutrients and it needs it every day. you need to nourish your mind every single day

There's just something magical about reading. Just read and read and read and listen to books.

So another thing, another habit is what's going on in your head. The self-talk, your endophagia, you need to deliberately address that. So that's a habit I would say that needs to be worked on every single day. And it can be done with writing down declarative statements, your I am statements.

power in your words. If I could emphasize that, I could do a whole podcast on this and I feel so adamant about this. There's power in our words and everything, every word we speak has energy and every utterance and it's true in our thoughts. And so if you have

Negative self-talk as a habit and again, it's just a habit. It's not it's not you It's just not the way you are your condition that way. It's a habit So the way you talk to yourself is a habit

so when you're Bumping up against a difficulty or a failure something doesn't work out like you want or there's a challenge ahead of you an obstacle Whatever it is pay attention to what you say next That's gonna reveal your habit. Mm-hmm, and then we can deliberately replace those things. We can change the conversation our heads

and we can change our identity statement. So your identity is just a habit. How cool is that? If nothing else sinks in today but that, let that sink in. Your identity is merely a habit.

if we're going to focus on, if you're going to talk about one of the 20 % that produces 80 % of the results, that right there is one of those things. If you can learn to change your endophagia, your self-talk, that has a massive impact on the results and outcomes of your life. Absolutely. And that's definitely something I think that's always...

That's the rudder on a gigantic ship.

definitely something you probably spend most of your time focusing on when you're teaching the Habits class because getting teenagers to understand that and to realize that, that's huge.

That has a huge lifelong impact, generational impact. That's why it's so powerful. And I've seen it in every single class for years and years and years. I've seen them flip the switch in their heads. And then I've been able to follow them and keep in touch with them for years and watch how it has played out. Right. And just that little shift in identity and self-talk, in mindset. And it's a habit. It's all just a habit. shifting that habit.

literally shifted the course of their lives. Whoa.

So just to reemphasize and reiterate, your habits will be the major determining factor. Are. In the quality. They are. They are. Already. Right. It's already happening. It's not like it could be or would be. They are. Your habits right now, whatever they are, are the determining factor. They're the building blocks for the quality and outcome of your life. And you are where you are.

and the quality of the life you currently have is the result of your past habits. And what you're doing today will, as far as habits goes, will determine what you get tomorrow and in the future. So if you want a different outcome or a better outcome, you need better habits. Done. Write that down. If I want a better outcome, I need better habits. So then I will have a better outcome because I will have better habits. And it will shape

who you are and what you get, what you achieve, all your relationships, your inner peace, like everything that's happening in your life inside and out will all be because of your habit. So get dialed in on those habits, identify the ones you want and just start working on them and do a replacement act, right? It's not like just dropping a bad habit, leaving this void, because like Albert Gray said, it'll automatically fill with a bad habit again.

All right. Thanks, you guys. Thanks for listening. If you like podcasts, make sure to subscribe. If you haven't subscribed yet, leave a rating up to five stars on it. Share it with friends, family, colleague. Connect with us online and social media.

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Thanks you guys, reach out for it.

Hey guys, thanks for listening. If you are a youth and you're listening, or if you have youth, the Habits for a Successful Life class is a game changer. It is really special.

So you can jump into that class. There's no better way to get around a great group of youth from all over the country and often a couple of different nations join in and be a part of these great discussions where we make it fun, we make it engaging, we laugh together, we cry together, we read, we write, and we just engage with each other, build friendships and form habits that

genuinely will lead us to a happy and a successful life. So, extraordinaryfamilylife.com is where you can find those. We'll put some links in the notes and jump in. The class fills up quickly. It's always been really popular and youth love it. So jump in there. It's for youth and young adults, really anywhere between 14 and even up to 24, where we're all just getting prepared to launch into life.

as adults successfully with habits that bring us happiness and success.