June 18, 2025
#317 How Sexual Frustration (or Porn) are Causing Dad’s to Be Grumpy & Disconnected
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Sexual frustration is silently sabotaging marriages and family life. In this honest conversation, we explore how unmet needs, poor communication, and habits like pornography and avoidance are disconnecting couples—and how that disconnection spills over into parenting. If you want to build strong, healthy relationships and create deeper connection in your marriage, this episode is a must-listen.
Are the men in your home grumpy, disconnected, or hard to reach emotionally? Do you ever feel like there's a quiet tension simmering under the surface of your marriage?
In this raw and honest conversation, we dive into how unmet sexual needs (and/or porn usage) —and a lack of emotional and physical connection—are contributing to frustration, moodiness, and even disconnection in marriage and family life.
You might be surprised to learn that it’s not just men who are feeling sexually frustrated—many women are too. And when this deep need for connection is unmet, it seeps into every area of life: parenting, partnership, communication, and even personal confidence.
We explore how porn, masturbation, stress, and lack of emotional intimacy are silently sabotaging marriages—and how to rebuild connection, fulfillment, and joy through intentional effort and honest conversations.
This episode is for couples who want more than just “getting by.” It’s for those who want thriving, deeply connected, emotionally intelligent marriages that can handle the storms of family life and come out stronger.
If you're ready to level up your relationship and break free from disconnection, this episode will give you practical, powerful tools to start healing and reconnecting—starting today.
Key Takeaways:
✅ Sexual frustration impacts your entire family dynamic
✅ Porn and masturbation are damaging long-term intimacy
✅ Women often want more & better sex—this is shifting
✅ Great sex takes intention, health, emotional connection, and effort
✅ You can't separate parenting and marriage—everything affects everything
✅ Emotional intelligence is key to deeper connection
Chapters:
00:00 Introduction to Family Life Optimization
02:58 The Interconnectedness of Life Aspects
10:38 State Optimization for Better Parenting
16:13 Understanding Sexual Needs in Relationships
22:40 The Impact of Sexual Frustration on Family Dynamics
28:34 Addressing Sexual Needs and Responsibilities
37:56 The Importance of Hard Work in Relationships
Memorable Quotes:
🗣 “You can’t fix your parenting without fixing your marriage.”
🗣 “Porn is destroying your ability to connect in real life.”
🗣 “Sex should be like a massage—relaxing, connecting, enjoyable.”
🗣 “If you don’t feel great, something’s off. Find the leak.”
🗣 “Cheap substitutes like porn kill the drive to do the hard work that leads to real love.”
RESOURCES:
- 👉 For a Limited Time, join the Extraordinary Parent Mentoring Method online parenting course.
- Free 6-Step Guide: How We Raised 7 Well-Adjusted Kids - Without Yelling, Tantrums, Punishments or Power Struggles (+ get THE CHECKLIST: Things We Do Every Day to Raise Well-Adjusted Kids)
Let us help you in your extraordinary family life journey.
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How We Raised 7 Well-Adjusted Kids - Without Yelling, Tantrums, Punishments or Power Struggles (+ get THE CHECKLIST: Things We Do Every Day to Raise Well-Adjusted Kids)
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Rachel’s Must-Read Booklist for Well-Read Moms
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Follow us on Instagram: @worldschoolfamily or @greg.denning
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Get Rachel's Family Systems & Charts
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Join the Do More With Less Stress Workshop Series for busy moms
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Become a Founding Member of our Extraordinary Parent Mentoring Method
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Gather with us at the World School Family (Beach & Farm) Resort in Portugal
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0:00
Ladies and gentlemen, everything effects everything.
It's so easy to become simply roommates in your marriage.
I would.
Love to ask people like when do you feel your best?
When women can understand that, it's easier for us to relate to what you're experiencing.
The greatest rewards of a high price tag.
0:16
Your relationship as a couple is 100% affecting your parenting.
Hey there, this is Greg Denning.
We want to reach as many people as possible and help as many families as possible with these conversations.
And we want to keep this podcast ad free forever.
0:33
You can help us do that by subscribing on Spotify or Apple podcasts or wherever you listen your favorite platform and on YouTube and leave a quick review and and share your favorite episodes with friends and family.
It makes a big difference.
Thank you for being a part of this very important movement.
0:50
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast where your host, Greg, Rachel Denning.
Just so good to have Rachel back.
She was gone or what, 2 weeks?
It was about it was less than two.
Yeah, well, it felt like an eternity, but it was just less than two weeks.
1:08
Which?
Back together.
Yeah, which actually is what brings us in a way to today's topic.
And I, I just want to preface it with, I just wonder sometimes if people are like TMI, Greg and Rachel like too much information.
1:25
We don't want to know these kind of details.
But I guess what I'm trying to say or what I want to share here as we begin is like, we're not unicorns like you and I are not some alien from another planet.
So if we have experiences that relate to how we parent, how our marriage is, we want to share them because we believe that other people are going to have similar experiences.
1:54
And as we recognize patterns or levels of analysis or, you know, things that affect how we do family life, well, that's the things we want to share with you because we know that it's relevant.
2:10
And, and any amount of awareness that we can bring to ourselves into our parenting journey, it just makes the whole experience that much better.
It makes the marriage that much better.
It makes our parenting better, it makes our family life better.
So that's why we share sometimes, you know, quote UN quote personal experiences that maybe some people think is TMII don't know, maybe a lot of people appreciate it, but I'm sure there are some out there.
2:35
They're kind of like you don't need to know the details of your, you know, intimate life.
Not that we're going into great detail here, but you know what I'm saying?
Like we're sharing, share this because.
Our whole goal here is like we want to share what just works for us, right?
And and what we.
Discover about ourselves because we think again the fact that we're not unicorns.
2:52
If you discover something about yourself, or I discover something about myself, it's probably we're probably not the only ones in the world that have a similar problem or challenge or or obstacle or experience.
And so we're like, hey, interesting, this is, this is something we're noticing.
Let's talk about it.
3:07
Let's share it in case it helps somebody.
Plus, every weekday we're coaching individuals or couples and these issues come up and we start noticing patterns and, and they see these frustrations.
And then we have our own experiences and, and experiences others think, OK, there, there are some principles here.
3:25
And again, our, our entire approach is holistic optimization or whole life optimization.
So if we can take every aspect of our lives and just refine it by 1 or 2% across the board, that's a big percentage of change and that will dramatically alter the course and outcome of our lives.
3:45
Especially recognizing that all of those aspects are interconnected.
I mean, that's why we have our inter, our extraordinary family life logo where it's a bunch of intersecting circles because every aspect of our life intersects and effects every other aspect of our life.
4:02
So that's why in today's episode we're talking about sexual frustration or sexual deprivation and how that affects parenting, specifically dads, but also moms, right?
There is a connection there.
And that's why we, that's why we bring it up in very specific ways like this, because then you're like, oh, yeah, OK, I never thought about it that way before, but you're right.
4:27
And yeah, it also applies to this and this and this as well.
Everything effects everything.
So I think, I think one of the the greatest disservices we could do for ourselves is to think that everything is separate and separated and isolated that somehow, you know, what I'm what I'm doing for my career has nothing to do with my family.
4:49
That's just not the case or the condition of my body.
If I'm out of shape, that doesn't make me less of a parent or spouse, right?
It's all interconnected and everything effects everything.
Some people might think like what's going on in my head is mine is private.
5:05
It's it's not affecting my performance at work or my relationships.
It's mine and I can think what I want to think.
That's simply not.
True.
So what's going on inside is, you know, affecting the outside.
What's going on the outside is affecting the inside.
5:22
And every aspect of your life is affecting who you are.
And as we always love to talk about, who you are is what's determining how you're showing up as a spouse and as a parent.
5:38
Exactly.
Essentially you parent who you are, right?
But I think this is also important and I'm, I mean, I'm thinking about it because you just did an interview yesterday with a woman who you're going to be publishing that podcast episode on the formidable family man podcast.
But she's a specialist in, well, she's at what a neuro cognitive scientist, but specializing in porn addiction.
6:02
And so that is also very relevant because many men think like, well, if I have a porn habit, it's not affecting my parenting, it's not affecting business, it's not affecting my marriage.
And that's just not true.
Everything is connected and especially in something like that.
6:18
So I think that's especially relevant to keep in mind with today's discussion.
But I want to start out I guess by just sharing, well, sharing my perspective, but then also what you share with me.
So essentially you already introduced that I have been gone.
I went to the states for about 10 or 12 days and obviously while I was gone, we didn't have sex because you we were apart.
6:43
And for people that don't know, you don't masturbate.
So that didn't happen either.
Again, people might be like TMI, but it again, we're giving context or we're giving relevance.
So sharing details in an effort to be more helpful.
Exactly.
But here's the interesting thing.
Because I consider you to be one of the best, if not the best dad I know, right?
7:05
You're an amazing father, your present, you're loving, you're firm when you need to be firm, you're fun, you're connected like you're a great dad.
And so when you tell me things, I find them to be very insightful because I also see you as someone who has a lot of self-discipline, right?
7:27
You, you have the ability to do what needs to be done, whether you feel like it or not.
And so when you tell me things like, poof, man, when I've gone this long without sex, I feel grumpier.
As a dad, that's relevant, right?
That that's important information for you, for me and for other people to understand that your lack of sex is making you feel less patient with our children, right?
7:55
And you only have three at home.
That's easy, you know.
So I guess I just want to set it up with that framework of yes, does self-discipline matter?
Absolutely.
Does controlling your emotions matter?
Yes.
But you're great at all of those things.
8:12
And yet you're still aware that when you've gone a period of time without sex, you feel grumpier, less patient, less disciplined, because it does have an effect on you.
Now, does that give you an excuse?
Or does that give dads an excuse?
That's what I was just going to say.
8:28
I, I did not have any outbursts.
I wasn't impatient with kids.
I didn't say anything mean, I didn't do anything wrong.
I, I just felt like, wow, it's, it's harder.
It's harder to be impatient or to be patient.
It's harder to be engaged.
It's harder to be present because my mind is just constantly drawn towards sex and thinking about you and like, I can't wait till she gets back dies.
8:52
And it's it's it's wild.
It starts monopolizing your mind that obviously the minds craving the dopamine hits, craving the connection, raising the the endorphins, the oxytocin, like I just craving all the drugs.
So basically I'm a drug addict my own body, but it it and it grows with intensity.
9:14
So each day more and more and more.
And so I, I was just, I'm just cognizant.
I try to be very, very self aware and situational where what's going on.
And I'm just like, man, every day that she's gone, it gets harder to stay focused on work and to be and just in the moment, you know, really present it.
9:38
It was, it's just wild.
And, and it's, you know, when, when you are physically healthy and your biochemistry is in a good state and you're fit, your libido is in a good place as, as all of these things should be and can be.
9:55
You know, I'm I'm 47 and, and so you know, it's still active, alert, alive, healthy, strong fit, tight, strong libido as it should be.
I didn't, you know, you hear guys, one's over 40.
There's no staying in shape and there's no more sex drive blah blah, blah, blah, blah.
10:15
And that's just that's just not the case.
So those it.
Doesn't have to be.
It doesn't have to be the case.
It often is because of horrible diets or sleep and on and on and on.
But what we're saying is like it's, it's active to learn.
And so it was just one more reminder of how other little things that are off can start affecting other aspects of life.
10:39
Yeah.
And so there's a couple things I want to address here.
One, I want to talk about how you and I optimize our family to make things easier for us.
And two, also that we're not.
In no way are we using this episode as like an excuse for men to be grumpy because they haven't had sex or what not.
10:57
You know what I mean?
Again, we're just bringing awareness here so that we have this because the more awareness you have, the more potential you have for change and for improvement.
And that's what makes the difference in, in going from ordinary to extraordinary is this incremental awareness of your own self and the things you're feeling and dealing with.
11:18
And I I'm not sure people fully realize how important a role this plays in family life, but for us, it makes all the difference.
We have made habits, routines, rituals that optimize our way of being so that we're in the best state possible, so that we can parent from the best state possible, so that we can interact as a couple from the best state possible, so that we can show up for work in the best state possible.
11:49
Like if there's one thing that summarizes what we do, it's like state optimization.
We are trying to optimize the best state possible.
And that simply just means like you're, you're operating in positive emotion most of the time, not negative emotion.
12:07
I I.
Love this concept so much and, and I would love to ask people.
So OK, when do you feel your best?
And, and for those of you listening, that's a pretty quick easy answer.
Like well, OK, when I've gotten good sleep and I get to bed at a good time and sleep well and wake up without interruptions, kind of wake up, I feel great.
12:27
And then I do a morning routine and some reading, some mindfulness, some stretching, hydration, like wow, I mean, I feel great and get a, get a workout in and then a good healthy breakfast of really getting good food.
You know, relationships, we feel connected.
12:44
There's no arguing or fighting.
It's it's peaceful in the home.
So you start naming all these things you're like, I feel amazing.
I feel like my best self.
And so to re emphasize what you were saying is we set up our entire life to revolve and revolve around and facilitate that state optimization so that we can feel our best the vast majority of the time.
13:08
We're making it easier to feel fantastic.
Now, and I know there's people out there saying or thinking like, well, that's just not possible most of the time.
And that's just not realistic.
And in fact, if you look at, you know, say spiritual practitioners, the whole point is to transcend that, to say, like, why don't need to have sex in order to be my best self?
13:30
Or I don't need food to be my best self or I don't need, you know, whatever.
And I'm like, OK, get that.
There are definitely people that live in that space.
But I love what one of the things Wayne Dyer talked about, he's like, I've noticed that those people always live by themselves and never have any children, right?
13:48
They live in a different world because yes, they're trying to transcend all of those things and prove that it's possible.
And that's wonderful.
If you want to pursue that, great.
We.
We.
Need to be able to too is like OK, I had a rough night.
Does that mean I'm going to be grumpy?
No, I'm still going to be my best self.
14:04
Gosh, I haven't had any food for 16 hours or I'm doing a three day fast.
Can I still be pleasant?
Yes I I'm in a lot of pain, my ankles hurting or I have this injury.
Can I still be engaged?
Yes I can.
I went 14 days without sex.
Can I still be a present dead?
14:20
Yes, I can right.
So all of the things are possible, but the vast majority of the time, why don't we make make it easier on ourselves and feel really, really good by optimizing our lives?
Right, because I feel that and you know, I feel especially in the context of family life, which again, going back to that's who we're talking to.
14:40
We're not talking to monks meditating in isolation, right?
We're talking to family, to parents, to families.
We have to learn different strategies to help us navigate this extra challenging lifestyle, right?
And and yes, we can do those things when we need to, but it's so much easier to push the extra mile and put up with the extra stuff when most of the time we optimize our lives so that we're operating from good states like it.
15:09
Honestly, it gives us more power, right.
And so, yeah, the the emphasis then is on, and this is the approach we have taken that I feel has worked amazingly well, is that we are continually optimizing ourselves and our rituals and our routines and our habits so that we can maintain positive states.
15:29
And this really comes down to very simple things.
It's when I notice I'm hungry, I get some food rather than waiting and saying I'm too busy right now.
Until then, now I'm hangry and now I'm snapping at the kids because I didn't nourish my body when my body told me it was hungry.
15:48
And and that's such a simple concept.
Right.
And yet so little.
Used so few people are using it effectively and then they're wondering why they lose it at their kids and I'm like well part of it is you didn't go to sleep you were scrolling on Instagram till 1:00 AM and now you're hungry and you're wondering why you're snapping I don't do those things that's.
16:11
Part of what helps me to be a great mom because I am taking care of myself.
I'm getting enough sleep.
I'm.
I'm doing a morning routine.
I'm nourishing my mind, body and spirit.
When I'm hungry, I eat so that I'm not operating from a constant state of deprivation in whatever it is.
16:31
Right.
And that ties into what we're talking about specifically today, like sexual deprivation.
Yeah, great.
There are monks who are celibate for their entire life.
They don't have kids.
And so they don't need to deal with the frustrations of children and as because part of the routines and rituals we have, one of them is regularly connecting intimately, which can be sexually and and emotionally, mentally, because we each need those things.
17:00
And when we do that, we both find ourselves being better parents and better spouses because we're not operating from a state of deprivation or frustration.
So basically, and some people, what I was going to say is we're basically, we're, we're taking care of needs and desires and drivers right now.
17:20
Some people argue like, well, you only need, you know, food and water.
That's the only needs in life.
OK, we're not going to that extreme.
We're saying what are the needs, desires and drivers that make us at our best?
And sexual desires, one of them, the sexual gratification is one of them.
17:37
We're driven to that.
And.
Well, because for especially in the context of a marriage, it's it's keeping you connected.
That sexual drive for you keeps you driven to me, which keeps you connected to me, where without it you literally could be off doing it with your dogs and doing.
17:56
Other stuff, Just wondering, having adventures?
Wouldn't care about me.
So it's a drive that's healthy that keeps us connected.
Same with my drive and desire to be cherished by you or wanted by you or to have you listen to me.
Like both of these things keep us connected in a way that without them, it's so easy to drift apart, to become simply roommates in your marriage, dealing with the transactional things like.
18:21
And that's not fun.
Anyone who's in that type of marriage knows that that's not just what they want.
It's, yeah, it's, it's blah.
And so the extraordinary marriage uses the drives that we have as tools to keep us connected, and that's a very positive thing.
18:38
And, and it's important to emphasize that I think we're unique because we, we're not interested in, OK, we're not interested in good or even great.
I'm, I'm not interested in mere survival or, or getting things done or just merely functioning.
There's so many people out there are, and this is their work, their agenda.
18:56
Their whole message is try to get people to, you know, OK, like forget, OK, Like that's I don't know.
I heard somebody one time say like what could be worse than an OK life?
And he was turning around.
And it, I mean, obviously what could be worse is a horrible life, but we're not talking about that.
19:12
We're not anywhere close to that.
We're not, we're not talking about the dumpster fire.
We want an absolutely extraordinary family life.
And so in order to get those things, and I hope those of you listening are like, yeah, I, I want that too.
This, this the, the high noble ideal I'm pursuing.
OK, Then we're going to look at every aspect of what it means to be a man and a woman married with a family.
19:34
It's like, let's get that optimized.
And sexual connection is amazing, right?
One of the things we talked about yesterday in that interview was the happiness trifecta.
The porn.
Well, so she's a neurocognitive scientist and it's it it at home when things are going well, you get dopamine, you get serotonin, which is, you know, kind of happiness and joy and you get an endorphins, right.
20:00
You can even say oxytocin in there too with touch and and non non sexual physical affection.
And then communication, enjoying just moments of conversation and play and just hanging out, goofing around, doing cool things together, creating memories, the simple stuff.
20:16
And it creates this beautiful family environment and and this.
Feeling of, of joy and contentment and happiness and fulfillment and, and it's really amazing.
And that's what we're, we're trying to meet those and create that as as much as possible.
20:35
So then if, if something's missing, again, just emphasizing everything effects everything.
And when some of it is off or you know what you, you mentioned deprivation and, and that's what we want to focus on, but sometimes there's gluttony.
So it's not like, well, you know, some of you may never get angry because you're always eating and you eat too much and you eat all kinds of garbage.
20:57
So that's not, you're not hangry.
You feel horrible because you're eating trash and eating too much.
Or some people have sexual addiction, pornography or masturbation is negatively affecting.
So it's not, there's no deprivation there.
21:13
It's actually robbing you on the other end.
It was interesting because I I heard bits and pieces of the interview you did yesterday.
And one of the things I did hear her talking about was people who are addicted to porn.
It interferes with their family life in lots of ways.
21:30
But one of the examples she gave is then say you go away on a family vacation and now you're not getting your porn hit, your dopamine hit every day or every few days.
And so now instead of getting your hit that weight, you're at the restaurant with your kids and your wife checking out the waitress or whatever.
21:49
You know, in a way that's becomes uncomfortable for people because you're used to your brain is addicted to these hits.
And when?
They're not kidding at them.
Then it starts looking for it in other ways, right?
That's one small example.
Yeah, her example is awesome where you know, you get it in porn, but then you get in social media, in small hits by looking at bodies on social media or any media for that example, movies, whatever.
22:14
And then in real life it, it starts to warp your interactions with other human beings.
So now you're, you're constantly looking at other women.
And, and so then in real life, in any kind of media and then pornography, it's it's warping that.
So it starts to disrupt your entire functionality.
22:33
And it's true for what we we're, you know, the whole reason we're doing this episode is it starts to monopolize your mind and it starts to distract you from the ability to focus and stay engaged and to do great work.
It it starts being disruptive in every way.
Let's go back then to I guess to the core element here is like what what's missing in your life?
22:55
And let's specifically talk about the sexual thing and I guess one of the things.
That occurred to me.
Or what's in too much abundance?
Yeah, so what's off, what's not optimized, what's not good?
And and you know, with sex specifically, if, if you don't have a really healthy and wonderful sexual relationship with your spouse, it affects you.
23:11
You know, some I, I, we talked to people all the time and some are like, Nah, it doesn't affect me.
It doesn't bother me at all.
I don't need it or no, I, I never even think about it.
Like, Nah, man, no, no, you, no, you're not.
Like it's not, that's just not, not the case.
23:28
Because if if you're a human being and and your body's anywhere close to normal and healthy, then that is a part of being a human.
Well, just because in the work that we've done and the research we've seen, generally in cases like that, there's very often some factor that is limiting or inhibiting that drive for connection.
23:54
It can be either like weight or simply food, like the wrong types of food.
Or sometimes it's trauma.
It can be sleep, it could be past trauma, could be like your framework around it as viewing it as something evil or bad.
24:13
Like there's a lot of other factors that once you begin to unpack those, for most normal people, you're like, oh, with that out of the way, yeah, I do want to connect with my spouse and.
Help and I would say that's 98% of people yeah, if you get your body in a good condition and even people you know, we see it all times like rather no, no low libido or no sex drive.
24:35
It's usually those factories you mentioned and with a few simple changes like, wow, here it is again, It is back and it feels fantastic operating on the sense that you like sex and you like having sex with your spouse.
I, I was realizing I'm like, man, it's only been, you know, a week or whatever.
24:53
OK, not that big of a deal, but still it was so distracting because we have a wonderful sexual relationship and and we have sex.
I would say we the three day.
I love the three day rule.
Yeah.
There's, I've heard of the 72 hour rule and I, I find that that's probably the best overall balance.
25:12
I think that when couples connect, it's actually every 72 hours at least.
It keeps, it keeps things in balance like that yin Yang balance.
It's not too much and overpowering because again, we have lives and businesses and kids and there's stuff going on, but it's also it doesn't lead to that point where and, and again, this is mostly true for men.
25:35
I think a lot of women don't fully understand how monopolizing thinking about sex can become for men.
And I know many women think, well, just control yourself.
Like just.
And it's not just thought.
It's, it's physiological like it, it's the whole mental, emotional, physical, right.
25:52
It is all consuming.
Yes, Yeah.
And the only thing I can really compare it to best for women is hunger.
Like if you haven't eaten for a while, if you hadn't eaten for three days and someone said to you just control yourself.
Now I get it.
Yeah, it's possible because people do fast.
26:10
But the point is it it takes over physiologically, mentally, because your body's like, I need this, I'm used to it.
And yes, it's possible to go without it.
And you're not going to die or.
Whatever, 23 years, 23 years.
26:28
Tell me a joke.
But, you know, so I, I think for women, it's comparing it to that of it's, it's a very physical, physiological thing that is just a part of, it's ingrained in who you are in your Physiology.
And so when women can understand that, it's easier for us to, I guess, relate to what you're experiencing and then to understand that, yeah, the simplest solution in many ways, if I'm very hungry, the simplest solution is to eat, unless I'm intentionally doing some sort of fast or not, then great.
27:02
I, I fast, I go through that process.
And that's a good thing to do.
But if you do that all the time, it actually becomes unhealthy, right?
And so again, we're trying to balance it out here.
And the simplest solution is like, let's keep these healthy rhythms so that we each are operating in our best state possible.
27:23
And, and one thought that occurred to me is I've, I've spoken with many, many men and, and very often they, they experience sexual frustration constantly, some because they're, they have sex maybe once or twice a month.
And you know, in more extreme cases, they go many months.
27:41
Or we've even heard of people going years.
Of course that's true.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that that just boggles my mind.
I've yeah, I've, I've had conversations with couples at 1015 years no sex.
And that's just that's just being roommates.
But I, and partly why we are having this conversation is because then we'll often get contacted by women whose husbands are in that situation.
28:08
And then they're wondering why he's such a grumpy, ornery, unpleasant man to be around.
And he's disengaged.
She doesn't involve with, he's not involved with the kids.
And they're wondering why is this happening?
And this is kind of where I want to bring up, of course, the fact that no, we're not saying that this is an excuse.
28:28
We're not saying men get to behave like that just because they haven't had sex.
We're not saying that we're not trying to give them a pass because it's a man's responsibility to show up and to be there and to fulfill his duties.
That's his job.
But in the name of awareness, we are trying to help you understand this is playing a role just like hunger, just like sleep deprivation, just like overeating, just like, you know, all of these other things.
28:55
They're all playing a role.
And so when we can understand the role that all of these things are playing and how we can better optimize them and meet those needs, this is one of those things.
Now, of course a man should be earning his right to sexual access.
29:10
Just because he's married doesn't mean he has automatic and automatic pass.
He needs to be earning it.
And so if he's not, then he needs to step up.
But also, there are many women who don't understand this.
And even if their guy is the best guy in the world and does everything, he still doesn't get access to sex because she just thinks, well you just need to control yourself and like, you know, deal with.
29:35
That.
Or I'm just busy.
Tired.
Or am this or am that?
And I remember one time talking to a woman and you know, she was explaining all the reasons like I've got all this and I've got the plays and I've got the thing, I'm taking the kids and all the stuff and, and I'm just too tired at the end of the day.
29:50
And I said, imagine if your husband hadn't talked to you for 10 days and then again came home and said, I'm just too tired to talk to you.
I've been talking to everyone else all day.
No woman would would be OK with that.
She wants her husband to talk to her or to listen to her talk when she needs to talk.
30:08
And the same thing is true when it comes to sex.
Like a man needs to connect with his wife just like I need to connect with you, you know, emotionally, emotionally.
So it's a two way street with a give and take relationship and we have to be able to be there for each other because the same thing happens on the other side.
30:28
For me, if I've got this build up of thoughts and ideas and worries in my head, right, and I don't have an adult to talk to because I'm home with kids all day and you come home, I need to talk to you.
I need to vent to you, I need to share my thoughts with you.
30:46
And if I can't do that, that definitely effects my ability to parent.
Life and you fully expect me to listen right and and you should be able.
To and I need you to listen.
And you need that.
And you, yeah, you're longing for it, thinking about it.
31:02
You want it so if I come home grumpy, upset, disengaged, like no, I'm busy woman, I don't have time or I'm too tired.
I don't want to listen to you talk again.
Put a pillow over my head.
Then it goes both ways, right?
You're going to have all these unmet needs and desires and then I'm going to have the unmet needs and desires.
31:22
And I guess the whole kind of the the puzzle pieces we're putting together here is like that is affecting how effective we are as parents and the whole family culture, family dynamics and ultimately family legacy because we're not operating in a great state.
31:41
So the invitation, I guess today is like, take a look at the things that are off or missing in your life and get way more proactive and strategic about meeting the needs and desires, the good.
31:57
But now I'm not talking to you.
People get confused and like, well, I need to watch YouTube videos and I need to entertain myself and I, I need some Donuts right now because my body's craving, I'm going to listen to my body and like, oh, that's not what we're talking about.
32:14
We're talking about the the needs and drivers that make you better, that build you up, that, that help you become your best self, not your, you know, addictions or gluttonous passions.
32:31
Indulgences.
Yeah, that's a great word.
It's like we're not talking about your indulgences.
Should I say what is it that makes me my best self?
And honestly, a beautiful sexual relationship is part of that.
It really is.
And marriage is a sexual contract.
We've taught that often and we talk about it a lot.
32:49
And so that needs to be a great part of it.
And so if you're regularly having great sex and both of you are enjoying it and fulfilled, wowzers, it makes such a big.
Difference.
And maybe that's something that we need to specifically point out because first some people, maybe they're not enjoying it and they're like, it's just this check box.
33:09
I got to do it because the Denning said so, you know.
But if the point is you should be enjoying it, if you're not enjoying it, that's another opportunity to to gain awareness about why, why am I not enjoying this?
33:25
Why is this not because it should be like getting a massage or something other like that?
Yeah, it takes time.
Maybe you got to put some space in your schedule, but ultimately it should be a net positive experience rather than I feel worse afterwards, right, for whatever reason.
33:43
And you know, we've, we've worked with, I've worked with enough clients that there's a, there's a large percentage of women who want more and better sex.
They have the higher drive.
Would you say this is like a growing percentage where it used to be the other way and now it's changing?
33:59
For us, it is growing more and I think, well, I know pornography is having an effect on it.
Masturbations have an effect on it.
There is one of the things we talked about yesterday is that the.
It's called sad sexual arousal.
34:15
Dysfunction is happening so a lot of men are becoming dysfunctional sexually arousal.
Yeah, because of just.
The the.
Horrendous things that porn does to the brain and this is way beyond right or wrong, good or evil, sin or whatever has nothing to do with that.
34:36
It's just the dopamine baseline and the arousal track in the brain is just being.
Absolutely.
Well one of the stories she shared, unfortunately not in the episode she shared it after, was there was a 20 year old kid who had been addicted to porn since he was.
34:54
Yeah.
Young, 13, and he came to her because she's a like a therapist or something and said I I had the opportunity to have sex with a real person.
For the first time for.
The first time and she was naked and I couldn't get an erection.
35:13
And the reason why is be Oh, and he said something like I, you know, how could I get aroused for just vanilla sex?
So essentially because he had been looking at porn for so long.
As a child.
As a child, he.
35:28
Did so and he's never had sex and he can't even get an erection.
Because it.
Blows my mind.
Just a regular, normal naked woman is no longer enough to arouse him because he's been used to such crazy.
Through a screen.
35:44
This is what kills me through a screen.
It's warped his brain so much that now an actual physical woman and the opportunity to.
Have sex.
Is like right?
So this is part of the problem with porn is that it's warping brains even within marriage, right?
36:06
So and so this growing condition you're talking about is likely related to this, that more and more men are looking at porn because this woman also said that 95% of men between the age of 8 and 88 are regularly viewing porn.
36:24
Now, this was shocking to Greg because he's been saying 75%, and I thought that was high.
But she is an expert in this.
And she says 95% of men married, unmarried, single, young, old, ages 8 to 88 are regularly viewing porn.
36:41
It's insane.
So, you know, if your husband is one that doesn't seem interested in sex, it's likely because he may have a porn addiction.
Or other health concerns.
Or other health concerns, you know, And so when this is one of the reasons why we are against masturbation and porn in general for married men, for young men, because it's doing things to the brain that are very difficult to overcome.
37:07
And it's, it's, it's missing the point of the sexual drive, which is to connect a man and a woman together, either in procreation or just in regular renewal of your relationship.
And so if you take that out of the equation, because you've replaced it with porn and masturbation, there's no need to fix those problems.
37:27
There's no need to get over the humps that are keeping you from having sex.
There's no need to work through the problems and the issues because, you know, I can just take care of this in other ways.
It's.
A cheap escape.
Exactly.
So it's it's very detrimental to the relationships.
That is why we're having this conversation so that we have this awareness about it so we can work on fixing it because like we've said, everything is connected and it is your relationship as a couple is 100% affecting your parenting.
37:58
Not to mention the fact that it is modeling for your children what to look for in their future spouse and in their future marriage.
It's a huge deal, so we have to get this right.
We have to work through these issues so that we can be the best parents possible by being the best spouses possible.
38:19
So notice what's off, notice what's missing.
Get proactive and strategic and be willing to put in the hard work.
The the greatest rewards come.
They have a high, they have a high price tag.
They come after the hard work.
Like the most valuable things.
A great sexual relationship is one of them.
38:36
Like it takes a lot of work to earn that and it's worth it every bit of it.
And looking at porn or masturbation or whatever, you know, cheap substitutes like easy it's.
Easy substitute.
Yeah, there's no work.
You don't have to listen to your wife for hours, you know, for that.
38:53
It's just, well, you don't have to take care of your hell.
I can eat.
I can eat whatever I want.
I can have for sleep habits.
My wife can just let herself go, whatever.
It's like, no, we're going to, we're going to take care of ourselves.
We're going to eat well, we're going to exercise, we're going to sleep well.
We're going to get our bodies dialed in.
We're going to keep our minds and our brains dialed in.
39:09
We're going to keep our relationship tight and connected.
And that's all kinds of work.
And it's amazing.
And the rewards are massive.
And when we're meeting those needs, mental, emotional, physical, sexual, social, financial, spiritual, we're meeting all those wow, it is so good.
39:31
And it's so much easier for me to show up as a great husband, a great father, a provider, a protector, a human being, to be an asset to society, to communities, to to my family, especially because I feel fantastic.
39:52
And so remember, ladies and gentlemen, everything effects everything.
And notice what's off.
Pay attention, like real self-awareness.
Notice if, if, if something's off there, it's just you don't feel great, you don't feel energetic and alive and excited.
40:11
You just kind of limping along.
Start looking.
It's like, wait, where are the leaks?
Yeah.
What's what's draining the life out of me?
Where are those frustrations?
And then get to work on addressing them.
Man, it's worth every effort we put into it.
40:28
OK.
Love you guys.
Reach upward.
