July 17, 2025

How to Raise Kids Who Actually WANT to Make Good Decisions

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How to Raise Kids Who Actually WANT to Make Good Decisions
How to Raise Kids Who Actually WANT to Make Good Decisions

If you’ve ever wondered how to help kids make good choices without turning parenting into a power struggle, this episode is for you. We’ll show you how to teach your children to think critically, make decisions, and learn from natural consequences—so they grow into resilient, independent adults who know how to handle life’s challenges. Whether you’re raising toddlers or teens, this conversation will help you shift from controlling to coaching, all while building stronger connections with your kids.

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Season 7 Extraordinary Parenting

Are you constantly battling with your child over decisions—like what they wear, eat, or how they spend their time? Do you worry they’ll make bad choices if you give them too much freedom?

In this candid conversation, we break down the art and science of teaching kids how to make their own decisions—while still keeping them safe, supported, and connected to you.

The goal of parenting isn’t to control your child’s every move; it’s to teach them how to think, how to choose, and how to handle the natural consequences of their decisions. But how do you do that without letting them fall off the proverbial cliff?

In this episode, we reveal exactly how to balance freedom with boundaries, so your child can develop real-life decision-making skills without damaging your relationship in the process.

Whether you’re raising toddlers or teens, this episode will help you shift from a control-based parenting model to one focused on agency, connection, and life skills development.

 

Key Takeaways:

✅ Why letting kids make mistakes early prevents disasters later

✅ How to avoid power struggles while still being a responsible parent

✅ The difference between teaching and controlling—and why it matters

✅ How to give your child more agency without letting go too soon

✅ Why "passing the class" is our family's secret parenting framework

 

Memorable Quotes:

🗣 "If your kids don’t have room to say no, you’re not actually teaching them how to choose."

🗣 "We want our kids to make mistakes now—when the consequences are small—not later when they’re huge."

🗣 "The parent who controls too tightly crushes growth; the parent who lets go too soon creates chaos."

🗣 "Teaching kids to make good decisions is a dynamic, ever-changing process—it’s not one-size-fits-all."

 

Chapters:

01:06 Creating a Trauma-Free Environment for Children

01:34 Understanding Agency in Parenting

03:53 The Dangers of Authoritarian Parenting

05:39 The Importance of Teaching Over Telling

06:13 Navigating Managed Choices vs. True Agency

07:30 The Role of Open Communication in Parenting

08:44 Teaching Decision-Making Skills

11:18 The Balance of Freedom and Boundaries

11:53 Practical Applications of Agency in Parenting

12:25 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

17:56 Empowering Children with Agency

22:11 Navigating Natural Consequences

24:09 Teaching Decision-Making Skills

28:41 Building Relationships and Trust

30:12 Addressing Unmet Needs and Boundaries

33:49 Dynamic Parenting Strategies

 

RESOURCES:

Let us help you in your extraordinary family life journey.

0:00

They never had the opportunity to develop their own decision making muscles.
They have to learn how to think.
Really, it's a sign from your child saying, hey, I want to have some more agency here.
We're not.
Going to be there to make the decision for them.
They had an opportunity to practice making a decision and they learn from it.

0:18

Your toddlers and your teens want to make the right decisions.
Hey there, this is Greg Denning.
We want to reach as many people as possible and help as many families as possible with these conversations.
And we want to keep this podcast ad free forever.
You can help us do that by subscribing on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen your favorite platform and on YouTube and leave a quick review and share your favorite episodes with friends and family.

0:44

It makes a big difference.
Thank you for being a part of this very important movement.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast for your host, Gregor.
Rachel Denning here, as always, to help you create your own unique, extraordinary family life.

1:01

That's why we do what we do.
We have this deep, deep love and care for families and we want you to have incredible relationship with your kids and that they grow up healthy and strong.
And trauma free and.
Trauma free, like deeply attached to you and you're growing up solid.

1:16

We, we, we shouldn't have so many youths going into adulthood with all this baggage and garbage and trauma.
They should not be getting their trauma from us right?
Like I, I, as her father and and father of our children, should not be causing trauma in my children.

1:34

I guess that's what we're going for.
Like so many of adults we speak with.
It's like they picked up all kinds of trouble and pain and wounds and hatred and bitterness and and suffering from their own stinking parents.

1:51

So we want to share the tools and strategies to prevent all of that unnecessary suffering so that we can have happy, healthy kids that we ourselves can be happy and healthy.
And those of us who did experience some, some real difficulties and suffering and we can process that and get over it and not pass it on generationally.

2:11

And we can just be happy and just truly love family life.
That's why we live for this stuff.
We love it.
And and we, I got to throw this in there like Rachel leads this amazing program.
It's the family life coaching and like, get in there.

2:31

I'm just going to just boldly say it like that's every single week we meet and and live and answer questions and give strategies like this.
Well, we're.
Going to the specific tools of how we've been able to do that, raise trauma free children and and how you can make the changes in your own family life.

2:51

I think that this is a very applicable topic because it certainly has been a foundational aspect.
And I know we probably say that a lot like every episode, we're like, this is a foundational aspect.
Well, it's true.
And the more foundational pieces you put in place, the stronger your your child's foundation is going to be and your parenting and all that.

3:10

So having lots of foundational pieces is not a bad thing, right?
That's a good thing.
But helping our children to be able to develop agency, essentially we're born with agency, but whether or not we develop it or practice it depends on a lot of different factors, including environment.

3:34

The skill is learning to use our agency well.
So agency exists.
Human beings are born to be free, and it should not be violated.
It should not be taken away, even by parents, even by well meaning parents.
You become tyrants and dictators and bullies.

3:52

As as humans, when we learn to get this right, we're going to make the world a better place, right?
So that's why we're here.
That's why we're talking about it like let's get this right.
Let's not be authoritarian dictators in our own homes, and let's help our children develop.

4:09

Agency on.
One end of the scale, it's like just really bad parents who like, they're just straight up bad parents.
They don't care, they're negligent.
They're they're just lost, distracted, they're not there.
They're mean, abusive or just ugly.
All the ugly side of the bad stuff.

4:25

Well, in fact, in the four different types of parenting, that's what it's called.
It's called neglectful parenting.
Authoritative is is 1 where you have rules and boundaries that you expect to be followed, but you also have this mentoring aspect to the relationship.

4:42

And then there's permissive parenting, which is essentially in order to be your friend, you just let them do whatever.
And you know, there's very few boundaries or rules.
And then there's neglectful parenting, where the parent really just does not care about you at all and you can do whatever you want and cares.

4:59

So then so at the very bottom, it's it's bad people who are bad parents.
They're just doing what they've seen done to them and it's bad, but it's almost just out of complete it.
It's like unconscious incompetence, Yeah.
And then on the other end of the scale, you have very, very, very good people.

5:17

These are just good human beings, and with the greatest desire to raise good people, they clamp.
They become authoritarian.
Yeah, they're, they're controlling.
And you have these really good men and women who run their house like tyrant dictators and authoritarian regime.

5:42

And what they're trying to do with all the best intentions is keep a very, very tight clamp on those kids so that, again, it's all with a big heart.
Like, I want the best for my kid, so I'm going to control them.
I want the best for my kids, so I'm going to make them.

6:00

Do it.
Make the right choices.
Like, So what happens so often with good parents and good homes, good families with that tight control their kids?
Rebel.
But I think, I think there's actually 2 scenarios. 1 is they become dependent and their agency muscles are under underdeveloped. 2 is they become rebellious.

6:19

So the the goal, the outcome that we all want, parents and children.
I think all human beings who are healthy want to make the right choices.
So, ladies.
And gentlemen, teenagers.
Yes, your kids, your toddlers, and your teens want to make the right decisions.

6:37

They want what's best.
So the most effective way to parent is just to teach them, not punish them, not force them, not control them.
Teach.
Them and to provide that space where they can make those good decisions.
Exactly.
And and offer like, lay them out before I'm like, here are the choices.

6:54

Here's here's the consequence of this, here's the consequence of that.
Which one do you want?
And, and they'll be like, man, of course I want the one with the good consequences.
So your kids want to do the right thing.
You as parents want them to do the right thing.
But what's the outcome we're going for?
We do not want and and this is where it gets a little can get confusing or scary.

7:14

We don't want compliant to do what you're told.
Children who don't know how to make decisions and don't know how to.
Think AKA obedient.
Right.
Exactly.
Yeah.
It's like, oh, they just do what they're told.
They follow the rules, that is, that is dangerous.
It actually makes him incredibly naive and vulnerable to be controlled like you said.

7:30

Obedience is not a healthy thing that we want to develop on our children.
It's not always a virtue.
It's right, it can be a virtue.
It's not always a virtue, and sometimes it is a downright vice.
It's.
Bad if you he points the finger.
Hitler, for example.
But he had hundreds of thousands of very obedient, compliant people executing all of his murderous order so.

7:55

That's the danger.
Was not the one murdering them.
It wasn't even his generals.
It was all the people who are doing what they were told, who didn't stop and think, is this the right thing to do?
And, and how can I fight back?
How can I resist this?

8:10

So our goal is to raise children who know how to sync for themselves in any situation because we're not going to be there with them the rest of their lives.
We're not going to be there to make the decision for them or to help them make the decision.
They have to learn how to think.

8:27

We have to be able to look at all the choices and see what's available, and then even learn how to see the choices that aren't available, the hidden ones.
They really, truly have to learn how to think and then make good decisions on their own because that's who they want to be and that's how they want to do life.

8:43

That's what I'm after.
Our point here is it is possible for a human being because we've done it.
We've worked with lots of clients that have done it to get into a state mentally, emotionally, physically, where for lack of a better term, the purity of your spirit, your soul comes out.

9:05

And that is the part of you that wants to do the right thing.
In fact, it almost, it can't not do what's best for you like it wants to do what is going to bring you the most happiness and success in your life.
That is, that's the upward reach that we're always talking about, right?

9:23

Like that's what's within you that wants to come out.
Now, we as humans, we can dole that through addiction.
We can.
Insecurity.
Yeah, We can lack confidence.
We can buffer it by distracting ourselves all the time.
Like we can get to a point where we don't even know what we're talking, what we're talking about or what that's about.

9:43

But if we get to that point, we do want to choose what is best.
And so as a parent, I see my role.
It is kind of like getting out of the way of my child's soul, right?
I don't know how else to word it, but like, I don't want to get in the way.

10:01

I want to help them develop that personal intuition so that they can decide what's best for them.
Now, this is not in like in the extreme case because we've seen it and it's happening in the world today where we're like, you decide child, who knows if you're male or female, who knows?

10:23

You know what, you get to decide all of that, that that's not what I'm talking about because I firmly believe in having children thrive.
All humans thrive in having clear boundaries and clear standards and clear expectations.
Like we thrive with that, but within that there's a lot of freedom for interpretation and personal intuition.

10:46

I think of it as, I think one of the best examples is when you're playing a game, if you're playing the game of chess, you can't just say whatever rules, and that's OK.
You know, if you feel like playing off the board, that's no, you're not playing chess If you're doing that.

11:01

The chess game has rules and you have to stay within the rules, but within the rules you get to make all your own decisions about how you play the game and what moves you make.
And so that's what I see my roles as, as a parent is like, I'm here to teach my kid the rules of the game.

11:18

So you're learning all the rules, the rules of health?
Yeah, the rules of wealth.
Rules of spirituality.
Of relationship, we go through each important aspect of life and like, hey, this, this is what works across the board.
These are just healthy, awesome practices that yield amazing results.

11:36

And they have for thousands and thousands of years and they still do today.
They're timeless and we learn those things and then that's what we teach our kids.
Am I really offering my kids the the opportunity to choose or am I strictly controlling and giving them a a managing their choices?

11:55

And and they get to choose, but just, but they only get to choose from within, you know, two options.
And it right away that makes me think of all the dystopian movies you see, where, you know, yeah, you get to choose what you're free.

12:11

You're free.
You get to choose what you wear between these two colors.
And so we need to understand and we need to be careful that as parents, we're not inflicting some sort of dystopian reality on our children, right, by giving them these managed choices.
And I think that what we've often seen parents do that turns into a mistake is they start out with that approach, which works great when they're toddlers, right?

12:36

Here's your managed choices.
Which outfit would you like to pick, this one or this one?
It works great and it helps prevent overwhelm because if you're like choose from these 27 options, they're just like, how do I do that?
But then it's almost.
Like to the toddler, eat anything you want.
Yeah, right.
So they're going.

12:51

For the sweetest thing.
Exactly.
But then as as the child gets older, it's almost like the parent keeps using that strategy because it worked and now they're 7 and now they're 17 and they never had the opportunity to develop their own agency muscles or decision making muscles because you continue to offer the same constraints of managed choices rather than expanding that and giving them more choices as they grow so that they get to practice doing that.

13:23

And we see too many children and teens these days that literally don't know how to make decisions.
And this is this is what kills me.
It's like, what are they going to do as soon as you're not there, right?
As soon as you turn your back?
What are they going to do?
Well, and so many parents are clueless.

13:39

And because we work with so many teens and teens we know because they do it as soon as mom and dad aren't there and are and are they tell us or or they do it with our teens.
And then our teens tell us they're like, well, yeah, of course they listen to that all the time.
And they talk like that.
As soon as soon as the adults walk around the corner, the kids start speaking horribly, saying, saying and doing terrible things.

14:00

And when the adult walks back around the corner, they put on the show again of I'm the obedient perfect child you think I am and parents are clueless.
So you're actually training your child to be dishonest?
And to not deceitful and to not be able to recognize or listen to their own intuition, which is ultimately what you want.

14:21

You want them to develop that skill.
And the only way they can is by giving them the option again, age appropriately as they mature to practice making those choices.
I'll throw this in there.
This is a warning.
The only way this works is if you become really good at teaching, not preaching, not threatening, not lecturing, real teaching, and and then you tactfully and age appropriately, maturity appropriately.

14:53

You expose them to what's out in the world, what's really there and the, and the natural consequences of those choices.
That's part of the teaching.
And so they can see it and they can understand.
They're really wrapping their heads around if you don't teach well, and then you hear this episode and you think we, Oh my, my son's 15.

15:12

I'm just going to let him start making his own choices.
I'm sure, I'm sure he'll make the good choices because I told him, I told him what to do.
I told him what not to do.
Which is very different from the child actually learning it on their own telling.
And teaching are not the same, right?
They learn when they do it themselves.

15:29

But for one aspect of this is that we have an open relationship with our child.
First of all, it starts from attachment.
Like I said, attachment is so important.
And then it starts by regularly, consistently responding to their questions.

15:47

Because when children ask questions when they're small, if the way you respond is going to train them to know whether or not they can trust to ask you the hard questions as they grow.
Up they know people listening about what age do I let them choose this or that the younger they are the more you put up this little boundaries.

16:08

We I mean it could be a little corral even or whatever whatever you want to say it yeah, as of now there's two things One is 1 is a leash 1 is a corral and so as they grow in brain development and maturity it the corral gets bigger and the leash gets longer and here's another one that I love if I'm taking my Kid Rock climbing yeah, I'm going to belay and they're going to have a harness on and they're going to have a rope on and you're like just let them be free Just let them go free climbing.

16:34

I'm like, yeah, but if they make one mistake, they could fall to their death, right?
That would be child abuse.
That's a reality.
And so am I going to blame my kids 100%?
And because I have a great relationship with them and the attachment and all that, they actually want me to belay them.

16:53

They want the safety of, you know, if, if I fall, if I make a mistake and I fall, I want you to catch me.
I said, well, the, the way to catch you, make sure you don't fall to your death is I got to be able to belay you.
So you'll have a little bit of slack, but like, if you fall, I got you.

17:13

And that's every kid wants that.
Yeah.
What?
They don't want to lose control of the parents.
Like, you're never getting on that wall ever.
You're not climbing because it's dangerous.
You could fall, you could get hurt.
So you're not climbing.
That's too far.
Or the parent that has the, the ballet so tight, the the climber can't actually move.

17:30

Like they can't do anything.
They've got this major wedgie and they're like, I, I can't even, I can't even go for this and move because you've got a sew tight.
So it's not that either.
And as they become better and stronger climbers, more capable, you actually give them more slack and you're like, hey, if you fall, it's it's a long way on this one.

17:46

I mean, you're not going to die.
I got you, but there's a lot there.
And so you're giving more and more and more.
You're going to bigger walls and harder walls, and it's the same thing with parenting.
So at what point do you allow your children to have agency if they always have it, but when do you allow them to start practicing it?

18:02

As soon as they want, You know, when you're one or two year old wants to start making their own choices, let them, but provide that safety net for them.
And I think that's where too many parents miss an opportunity from the very young ages and the whole time, attachment is very important.

18:19

But I would say even more so when they're younger, Like attaching with them, connecting with them is the most important thing.
So that's more important perhaps than the choices.
But when they start to express this desire to make their choices, which sometimes comes out as, no, I don't want to do that, no, then provide the opportunity.

18:39

Oh, OK.
Would you like this or this?
Then, you know, and you provide those simplified choices, but as they mature, they're going to kind of let you know of like, well, I want to not that they're going to use these exact words, but you have to learn to pay attention.
I want to start making this choice for myself.

18:56

I want to start doing this.
And sometimes we only view that behavior as misbehavior or bad behavior or disobedience when really it's a sign from your child saying, hey, I want to have some more agency here.
I want to practice some more decision making skills here and that's a perfect time to be like, OK, great.

19:12

I'm going to think of a Safeway for my child to be able to practice this skill.
I often see the battle occurring with parents all the time when they're like, but it's cold outside, you need to put on pants and a jacket and it's they, they literally turn that moment into a battle.

19:33

Our approach was always like, great, go out like that.
They had an opportunity to practice making a decision and they learn from it.
But we don't, OK.
And I think that's important.
There's there's little nuances here and little strategies because you could force it and be like, Nope, you made this choice.

19:52

You're going to suck.
I know you're only 5, but you chose this.
And they just suffer.
Well, then they hate you.
They hate the thing.
And you just ruined this beautiful teaching moment.
And so you let them like, yeah, it's cold, isn't it?

20:07

And like, hey, we got, we still got another 5 or 10 minutes.
We're going.
It's so bad.
Like, OK, come here, come get in my coat for a minute.
And I remember doing this a ton.
I'd unzip my coat and hold them in there and, and then wrap my coat around them and let them thaw out for a minute and be like, hey, go, you warmer.

20:24

OK, go play for and I'll come back.
And they would go out and come back.
They still knew.
Like I had them.
They, they made a bad choice and they were getting consequence at their level, but they knew I was like, I'm going to take care of you.
I'm not like you're a choice idiot.
You're the dummy here.

20:41

And I I literally hear parents use those words.
Then that comes back to the other side of this equation and that's the attachment piece, right?
Because ultimately that is so important.
Like I get, I don't know how to say it more.

20:57

It's certainly the saying thing.
It's so important.
Every 10 minutes attaching with your children is so important.
And so when you have this mercy for them, right, that helps build that bond because they realize, wow, even if I make mistakes, my mom or dad is still going to love me.

21:17

Which is what attachment is.
Attachment really means that I can count on the person I need to count.
On to take care of me.
Yeah, they'll, they'll be there.
Yeah, right.
That's attachment.
That's just.
I can count on you exactly.
And and it's it's amazing we can kill that attachment by.

21:34

By doing the things you'd mentioned and like, what's your own fault, you idiot?
What do you think I told you to put it on?
What's your problem?
That kills your attachment?
So now you just just not only did you disencourage them, that's not even a word from making a choice next time because they're going to be afraid of making the wrong choice or a bad choice, right?

21:56

They don't, they don't learn that they get to practice and make mistakes and it's OK because that's part of life.
So they're afraid to make choices.
And then two, you're ruining your relationship, you're breaking that attachment.
So you're really just destroying your child's potential.

22:11

When they push some of your boundaries, that's a sign that they're ready for more.
They're ready for these these boundaries to be expanded and that's natural, that's normal.
We want that to happen too often as parents.
We view these the push back, the talk back, the quote UN quote misbehavior as a bad thing, the disobedience.

22:30

It's not.
It's your child saying I'm ready for more.
I'm ready to expand.
I'm ready to, you know, take on more challenges.
And all of that is a good thing because you're helping them to develop these life skills.
And so see it as an opportunity, not as some challenge in your life that you have to break your child of so that they can conform and be obedient.

22:54

We don't want that.
So then the question comes up though, because if you haven't been doing this from a young age and now you, let's say you have teenagers and you're like, what do I do?
How do I give them agency?
The answer is not to just be like, Oh well, you're already this age, here you go.

23:10

Just start making all these choices on your own, because that also can backfire.
Because you I just saying it frankly, you have failed to teach them.
That is very frank.
That's very frank, but it's true.
If you have failed to teach them, then they can't be trusted to make the right choices.

23:30

Exactly.
Because they don't know even though you quote told them.
I've told them 10,000 times.
Yeah, telling and teaching is not the same thing.
If you have not effectively taught them, then they're not ready to make a lot of choices, right?
Dangerous choices out on the edges.
Yeah.
So in essence, you kind of have to take this approach where you go back to the beginning, right.

23:52

We have to start maybe from the beginning and in a way, and I, I don't know how else to word this, but in a way you kind of have to baby them through making choices.
And as a, you know, as a teen, they can progress pretty rapidly, but you give them a space.

24:09

This has to be done tactfully because if you treat your teen like a baby right, they will rebel.
And they don't you, you want to baby them.
But I'm using that in like, OK, let's go back to like, how would I give my toddler choices?
Or how would I then move into, you know, a three or four or five year old and kind of move through that scenario where you're allowing them to practice making these choices.

24:33

And then as they make good choices, which is what you would do along the way, you say, oh, good job, that was great.
I gave you this opportunity.
You made a good choice.
That means I can give you more choices, right?
And so you're walking them through this process so that you can ideally get them up to like where their age appropriate and maturity level is.

24:52

I would take a different approach than what you're describing.
I wouldn't, I wouldn't go back because their, their cognitive abilities are enough to really explain and teach things effectively.
And so I wouldn't, I wouldn't go back to the baby thing.
I'm going to say, hey, let's sit down.

25:08

Let's, let's have a talk here, real talk about maturity and responsibility, making good choices.
Like here's the truth of it.
And we're going to whatever it is, whether it's food or music or media or friends, whatever, we're going to really talk through it and and make sure they deeply understand it and say, OK, now you get to choose these parameters.

25:27

But no, I'm not going to let you throw yourself off the Cliff.
Well, OK, I agree with you with that.
And that's why I think we're actually saying the the same thing.
That's what I mean by babying, because you're going to give them fewer options to protect them than you would if they were already age appropriate, maturity level appropriate at making decisions.

25:50

Right.
That's kind of what I mean.
Is it the way you you sit down?
Yeah, because they're older.
You sit down and you have these conversations with them.
But the way it's actually acted out in the world is not like, well, you get to decide how fast you drive the car, you know, like it doesn't work that way because they haven't yet had enough practice at building their decision making muscles to be able to make a good decision.

26:14

So I think we are saying the same thing.
It's like the way it's acted out in the world.
I'm not just going to let them go ahead and have access to all choices because they don't yet know how to think through that.
One of the phrases we've used in our house a lot as especially as our kids were growing was, oh, well, you haven't passed that class yet.

26:32

And essentially it was this idea that if you want to be able to do something on your own, you have to take the class, whether from me or you or one of the older kids of like, this is how you do the thing.
So at any time I can bring that up and my kids know exactly what I'm talking about.
I'll say no, I'm sorry.

26:48

You can't do that on your own because you haven't passed the class.
Here's a perfect example where our she's 11 now.
When she was 10, she wanted to ride the electric scooter on her own.
And she's like, hey, can I go do it?
No, you can't because you haven't passed the class.
But let's go out right now and train you.
Let's go practice, practice, practice.

27:05

And so I went and her older siblings went and we just practiced until she became really good at it.
And then she's like, OK, I, you know, essentially like, hey, you've passed the test, right?
So then she'd say, hey, dad, can I go take the scooter and like, go for it.
And she would go out on her own and cruise all over and drive up and down all over the place because she had the skills to do.

27:23

It and to be clear here, this is all happening on our own property, not she's not driving down the road in Portugal, she's riding around on our property, on our.
So even there's those levels, right?
So you're like, OK, here's 1, you know how to operate it.
The next level is can you operate it with another vehicle on the road?

27:42

Can you think through these things?
And that's what you're doing with our kids on all their choices.
Great job.
You can do it here in this controlled environment.
But I, I notice you're really good at making choices at our house.
Can you make good choices at your friend's house?
Can you make good choices out of the public thing?

27:59

Can you make good choices under pressure?
And so again, this all fits into our overall strategy of how we're teaching our kids how to think and make good choices.
So we start at the easy level.
We start in the simple simulation here.
You're doing great.
Now let's go add pressure.
Let's go add pressure, let's go add pressure.

28:16

And then ideally you're getting your kid eventually to a point where they're surrounded by knuckleheads doing dumb things or trying to pressure them do something and your kids standing there with a smile like, I'm not doing it.
There's there's nothing you do to maybe do that because this is dumb and that's not who I am.

28:33

Because they've gained that ability to be able to think through first, second, third level thinking there and the consequence.
And handle all kinds of different aspects of pressure or stress.
This is where it gets tricky, because providing managed choices is a form of control, but as long as you continue to expand those boundaries then it can be seen more as a safety net than actually a form of control, right?

28:59

Right.
That's, I guess that's the difference between a good parent and a tyrant, right?
The tyrant's going to have it like a vice grip around the kid with, with almost no room to move, where the good parent is going to teach and teach and teach.
And so like you, you got a you got a lot of slack here.

29:16

You have a lot of room to make choices.
Yes.
You're, you're you can't go over that way.
It's too far.
And you can't go the other way.
It's too far.
Within these balance, you have a lot of choices.
Yeah.
And you can do things that I wouldn't do and I wouldn't prefer.
I mean, there's all kinds of stuff in here, but there's no like long lasting harm.

29:32

Yeah, You're, you're not going to get hurt.
You're not going to really get in detrimental choices and because I've worked with youths for so long, there's signs and symptoms and kind of mile markers towards destruction.
I think that when you get, whenever you get to the extremes in anything, if your child is extreme in any area, that is an issue, an unmet need that has been exacerbated so far that they are now.

30:01

It's essentially it's a form of attention seeking or trying to fulfill unmet human needs if your child's needs are met for the most part.
It won't ever get to.
That it doesn't get to the extreme.
So that's why the prevention is so important.

30:18

Like, if you help, things go right, If you prevent, then you don't have to fix what's going wrong.
If your child is wearing obscene, absurd things, that's a sign of some other issues that needs to be addressed.
In both cases.
Addressed that.

30:34

Almost inevitably, that goes away.
Problem goes.
Away, Yeah.
So it's good getting to the root cause of the problem.
So for me in that scenario, if that was my child, I would not focus on the clothing.
Like that would not become our point of argument or disagreement or the battleground.

30:51

I would actually ignore the clothing completely.
And I would focus on again, attachment in the relationship because if I attach and if I fulfill those needs that are unmet of their own accord, they're going to start changing their behavior.
So that's where I would focus.

31:07

Parents don't understand the the power that comes behind that child making that choice on their own.
Like that is where the real power lies.
And that's what you want most.
You want your child to opt in, to choose to do those things because that's something they actually want to do because they understand the benefit of it for themselves.

31:29

The other question, of course, is like, well, what if they mess up?
What if they make a mistake?
And I'm like, great, That's the point.
That is the point.
We want them to make as many mistakes as possible while they are young and the consequences are small, so that when they are in college they don't get to make all their mistakes then, because that's the worst time to start making your mistakes.

31:52

You want your kids to make mistakes.
You want them to say no to the jacket and get cold.
You want them to go without a meal.
You want them to go to bed too late because they've made a bad choice and then wake up grumpy so that you are there to guide them through and explain to them, Oh well, this is happening because you made that choice.

32:11

You're grumpy now because you chose to stay up late.
You're grumpy because you didn't eat right.
They make the mistakes and you're there to guide them through understanding the consequences of their choices.
That's the best time for it to happen, hey?
Good.
This is great.

32:27

There is, it's an art and a science and we could go through 1000 different scenarios.
And in some of these cases, it's there's going to be some ironies where in one instance you'd say yes and the other instance you'd say hell no.
And, and there's going to be situations like that.

32:44

And so it seems like, well, wait, wait, wait a minute and, and you have to feel that out.
And with one kid it might be yes and one kid it might be no.
And 1, you know, a year earlier, it's no.
And a year later you're like, absolutely go for it.
And it, it's going to go on their, their comprehension, your relationship, what they're going after each child and their, their own weaknesses and strengths.

33:10

So it'd be very different.
So you, you got to be paying attention.
As parents, we have to be paying tons of attention.
And we've got to be reading everything, reading situations, reading people, really being aware and alert and then making good choices inside of that to say, well, yeah, you go ahead.

33:29

You, you choose.
But I guess the framework that Rachel I want to encourage today is, is allow them to make as many choices as absolutely possible, but you have to be really, really good as a parent of understanding second and third level consequences.
OK.
Just to as we close, just a few questions that we can ask ourselves to know if we're actually supporting our children using their agency or if we're just continuing to keep the same rigid managed choices that we should have abandoned when they were toddlers, right or became young children.

34:03

Am I more invested in my outcome or in their learning process?
Do I let them experience natural consequences?
I mean, that's one easy place to start.
It's just like, stop removing the natural consequences.
You know, if they make a choice and there's a consequence, we'll just let them experience it.

34:20

Another great question.
Can they respectfully say no to me If I asked them to do something, Can they say no?
If you don't have that space in your family then I would re evaluate that because children need to be able to say no.

34:37

They need to be able to ask why they they deserve an explanation if you ask them to.
Like this is one of the things I've always had about respecting my children.
If I asked them to do something, they deserve an explanation if they ask for one.
If I can't come up with an explanation besides because I said so or because I'm the boss, then I'm limited in my ability to parent.

35:01

I should be able to give them a really good reason about why I'm asking them to do the thing I want them to do.
And if I don't know, I should think about it.
Now.
The goal is not to be perfect parents, but the goal goal is to recognize this dynamic process that you were describing before or like, it's not static.

35:18

And that's the biggest challenge.
You can't just be like, oh, this works and I'm now going to use that forever.
That's where we get into the authoritarian part of it, right?
When we try to use the same strategy forever, not realizing that it's dynamic, it has to change.

35:34

It has to change with the situation.
It has to change with their age, it has to change with the different children in your family.
Like we have to be more strategic, more dynamic, more flexible, more creative.
All of that's going to help us in finding the solutions.

35:50

We need to be able to use the right tool at the right time for the right situation.
Love it.
So you guys, if you want more tools and strategies, join Rachel's family life coaching.
You can come ask your very specific questions and we're going to, every time we meet, we're giving you very specific skills and strategies.

36:07

Like I, I don't know, every parent needs to be actively involved in learning about parenting strategies because it's, it is parenting is the most difficult thing you'll ever do in life.
It is so complex and so challenging and so rewarding.
It's wonderful.
And then for the men, I have the formidable family man tribe and it's amazing where we get together as a as a brotherhood of good men and we get to be with other good men, family men as we're going along through life, figuring out all the all the things for fitness, family and finances.

36:38

So the resources are there.
Invest in it.
Invest in your family so you can create and live your extraordinary family life.
Love you guys, reach upward.