#275 How to Change Your Life -- Finding the First Step to Making Changes That LAST

Greg & Rachel Denning (00:01.356)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. We are your hosts, Greg and Rachel Denning. Today we're going to talk about where to begin making changes. Because, okay, here's something I've thinking about all week. it's just like, you just get it, I mean, know you do. I think other people do too, it's where you get an idea, we'll just kind of.

It gets in your head and it's just kind of permeate and percolate and marinate and it just you spin it around. This this idea has been in my head all week long. I wholeheartedly believe that every good person wants to be healthy and fit.

They want to be free from disease and pain. They might say no I'm not sure I to be healthy and fit because to them they have some idea of what that means or looks like but at the very least they want to be free from disease and pain. Which is healthy. So they want to be healthy and I think most people want to be fit as well. you really get down to it they want to be fit. Meaning that they want to be able to live normal life.

and have fun and be able to do activities with the people they care about, those types of things at the very least. Right. This is interesting. it is interesting. You're advocating for these people that I don't know. Like, anyone I talk to, they're like, yeah, I want to be healthy and fit. Because I think that, at least in my experience and for some other people, that they might not resonate with what you're saying because they think

they might think you have a different definition than what they would give it. Right. Because I know. Which I do. do. So when I talk about fitness for me, it's different. But I'm talking about fitness for others. Well, OK. That's why I have to clarify. When they would say, yeah, I would like to be fit. Anyone who knows our story and how we disagreed about specifically health and fitness for years, decades.

Greg & Rachel Denning (02:15.1)
One of the challenges I had is that whenever you would say things like that, healthy and fit, I automatically thought the definition according to you. Which meant here, which means I'll never achieve that, which means I'm not sure I want to be healthy and fit because that means this. When I started giving it my own definition of what that means, which I've just been doing, then suddenly it seemed more motivating, more desirable.

more interesting to me as opposed to something that was beyond my ability. So I guess that's why I'm redefining it here or adding additional definitions so that people are like, yeah, well yeah, I do want that. I want to be free from disease. I don't want to be old and crippled. I don't want to die from cancer at a young age like my father did.

or have limited functionality. Same for me. I don't want to not be able to go hiking with you guys or to not be able to do certain things because my body literally wears out and I can't do it. Well, that's even future forecasting. So we need to think that way. In fact, was listening to, re -listening to a book by Brian Tracy this morning. And he said that they did this research years ago and they found the number one determining factor for success was long -term thinking.

Absolutely. How do my decisions today affect my outcomes later on? Well, Jordan Peterson did a similar study where he, in his college experience as a professor, he would have students do that type of experience. They simply wrote about what outcomes they would like to have in the immediate future and within three to five years. And that alone was enough to get them better outcomes. Absolutely. Yeah. It's transformative. It is. And maybe that's relevant to today's conversation.

is, gosh, okay, we're gonna give you, we're gonna, the question ultimately is like, and we'll get to the question, is like, where do I begin? Well, that's And how do I not get overwhelmed? One of them right there is like, begin with, what do I want long -term? Like, wanna change my the outcomes I want? Where do I start? What's step number one? And step number, well, we're gonna give a lot of step number one there. And we'll explain why. Yeah, we'll explain several elements. circling,

Greg & Rachel Denning (04:34.337)
back to where it begins. The vast majority of people I've ever talked to, they want to be healthy and fit. Even if they define it differently, they want to be healthy and fit. They want healthy relationships. They want family relationships. Even those who think, no, no, no, I don't. On their deathbeds, that's what comes up. There's lots of research on this and lots of examples. But when you get to the end of your life, it's like, man, the things that matter most are those close relationships with family. Besides the fact that...

Because yes, there is this trend going where, and we heard about this in Mongolia recently even, because it's becoming a new thing in Mongolia of like, what, I can spend my entire life single and I don't have to have responsibilities or annoyances and irritations from other humans in my life. Like I don't have to be married, I don't have to have children. I level up and take on responsibility. I don't have to take on responsibility. Live with somebody who calls me out. Exactly, points out my flaws.

there's this awareness or this trend of that being a thing you can do but the reality is that for most people, all people almost, if you don't have relationships taking up a majority of your life there's a void, there's a vacuum because that's where most people spend their time and energy is in relationships and if you don't have that

What are you going to replace it with? Like you literally have to replace it with something huge to fill that void or otherwise there is just a void in your life. And they're trying to fill it with entertainment and fun and music and movies and friends and drinking and all kinds of And sometimes I think there are people called to a higher purpose and they don't have time for the relationships because they are so engaged in some other purpose or calling or mission or whatever.

And so that does fill it, but there's still that emptiness there because you're lacking any sort of meaningful, healthy relationships. So we can't just discount that as like, well, you know, wouldn't it be nice to not have those annoying relationships? The reality is that you need them. You need them in your life because without them, you literally have a void. And that's where a lot of, I think, in the most case of activists, they very often don't have

Greg & Rachel Denning (06:59.232)
relationships like that and so they're trying to fill their void with something else like being an activist for something but it's not it's just not the same right so anyways relationships we want health and fitness we want family relationships marriage and relationships with our children and we want secure stable finances or perhaps even financial freedom so i guess going back we want freedom from disease and suffering physically

and mentally, emotionally, spiritually. We want freedom from the suffering of broken marriages and broken relationships with our children. Broken, exactly. we freedom from financial strain and pain and hurt. So like we want, we want to avoid the pain there and we want to move towards the pleasure and wellbeing of being healthy and fit and having great relationships in our families and having financial success. So it's those three elements and the vast majority of people I would say

desire some definition of those three things. Exactly. And so when they're sitting there thinking about like, I want to improve my life. I want to change my life. You get these bursts of motivation. It might be from a book or a podcast or a movie. Something, they meet somebody like, yeah, let's do this, right? They want to get there. And I had a coaching client.

As a couple, they went and met somebody who has this big, beautiful home with all this wealth and all this, at least outward success. I don't know about all the inward success. that experience kind of ignited a fire for them. Like, we want some version of that in our future. And so we walked through that. So basically, that's where we're going today. It's like, okay, I want to be healthy fit. I want to have great relationships. I want to have financial success. I want to have...

this awesome life, where do I begin? Exactly. Especially when...

Greg & Rachel Denning (09:02.624)
I feel like I am beginning, but then I get overwhelmed because I'm trying to do it all and then I stop doing it because it's so overwhelming and then I start again and ultimately this isn't working because I keep stopping and starting. What do I actually do? Like how do I actually make consistent progress in and and in what things what things actually matter and how do I stick to doing that?

I want to talk about something for a second. I don't, and maybe you'll have to help me remember here. I don't recall, at least vividly recall, being overwhelmed. I don't know if it's how I started training my brain to work early on, because at 16 when I'm out on my own, like,

The suffering, the suck was so motivating. I was so desperate and so driven. I just was devouring every book I could get my hands on. I really leaned into personal development and professional development early on. And I was looking for tools for success. So even in my teens, 16, 17, 18, 19. Well, and then until the time I met you. I was still going. I had been just devouring all these books and maybe.

that constant flow of great input helped create a framework where I really, I just can't recall. Feeling overwhelmed by the process. overwhelmed, right. Where I'm like, because I hear it all the time, people are like, I'm so overwhelmed, I don't know, there's so much to do, I don't know what to do, and so they don't do anything. I'm sure I experienced that somewhere along, but I can't remember it. Right. And so, I mean, I get it, I understand it, but my mind has never gone like,

there's so much to do. I'm just not going to do anything. Yeah, I think that's an interesting insight. can definitely remember times feeling overwhelmed by trying to change all the things, especially. But there's a couple of things I want to unpack here. One, I the times when making change is the least overwhelming is when you're in desperate circumstances. Like when you, the alternative is.

Greg & Rachel Denning (11:31.24)
Something you really really don't want like the pain there is so strong that it doesn't feel overwhelming It feels like freedom feels like you're pursuing freedom like I'm getting out of here And so I think especially for you in your situation and circumstance that was probably the case where you Had these circumstances that you hated you were alone. You were lonely you were miserable you were depressed you had no family or friends and so

you wanted something different and once you saw the vision of that being a possibility, you just went for it. And so there wasn't this sense of overwhelm because you're like, that's what I'm after. Here's this list that's easy to do. like, OK, I'll do it. I think that, at least I'm imagining, that the cases where we feel overwhelmed, it's kind of when we're going from good to better, or even great.

But when you have situations and circumstances that are good and easy and comfortable. Or OK. Sometimes OK, but sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's like things are good, but you want to pursue something better. I feel like that's harder and can become more overwhelming because you're trying to change the habits that support that good lifestyle in order to create a better or greater lifestyle. And that's when it can be so much.

harder and so much overwhelming because you're not presented with making choices between like bad and evil and good. You're presented with choices like between I don't know if this is good or not and maybe a better option. You're presented with eating fast food because it's quick and easy or you just got off work and you're tired and one you want the fast food or you have to go home and make a healthy meal for yourself.

And so it's these choices that are seemingly, in the moment, not painful. Like if you have that fast food, it's not painful in the moment per se. Like it's meeting and immediately eating. It tastes It's quick. It's easy. It's fast. It's convenient. You're tired. You don't want to make a meal. It just seems like a good option. And so you think, it's just so overwhelming to think about having to go home. Well, first, maybe I have to stop at the grocery store because I don't have any food.

Greg & Rachel Denning (13:56.696)
and then I have to go home and prepare it, I want to eat now, that can feel overwhelming, I think. I think it's scenarios like that where we get this sense of like, it's overwhelming to change my life because it's so much easier and more convenient to just do that convenient option. I think, at least for me, those are the times when I felt overwhelmed by making changes. I know like 100%, the one thing that did overwhelm me, because anyone who knows our story,

My story, my dad was diagnosed with cancer the week we met. And he passed away. That you and I met. That you and I met. He passed away a year after we were married. And that was a catalyst for us to pursue health and healthy diet and to study nutrition. But I do know that along that journey, and I feel great about where we are now, but along that journey, there were definitely times.

when I felt completely overwhelmed. I remember, and this wasn't just like one time, this was like maybe years, I would go into the grocery store and literally feel overwhelmed because everything I had been reading was contradicting everything else, contradicting each other so that I felt that there was nothing in the grocery store that was healthy or good for me. Meat was bad, fruit was bad, processed foods were bad, know, high fructose corn syrup.

C -dolls, like everything was bad or at least there was somebody out there, you know, you've seen it on Instagram. Eggs are bad for you. Oatmeal's bad. All these things. So I'm like, I don't even know what to buy. I don't even know what to eat. So I wonder then, this is insightful. I wonder if a key element of overwhelm is a lack of clarity. Yes, yes, In precise action. Absolutely. if there's any element of confusion or lack of certainty or direction that...

That's when overwhelm comes. And I would say not just in a lack of clarity in action, but even more specifically, a lack of clarity in direction. A lack of clarity in exactly the outcome you're trying to achieve. is huge. A lack of clarity in direction and outcome. Like if you know exactly what you want, and then you know you learn exactly what you need to get what you want.

Greg & Rachel Denning (16:24.766)
And with along that, exactly what you don't want and what you can't do. Because I know for me when it became easier to make choices around things when I fully understood how they directly impacted my desired outcomes. Fast food, for one example. Like you and I have not eaten at a fast food restaurant for, like I can't even remember the last time. I mean, maybe when we were engaged.

that's how long it's been we have not eaten at a food restaurant. wasn't eating fast food back then. I probably was, I don't know. So it's been 20 plus years since I've eaten at a fast food restaurant but the reason I was able to make that decision to not do that is because I was able to directly connect fast food to the undesired outcomes that I did not want.

And in contrast to that, realize that not eating fast food is directly connected to the outcomes I do want. Like for one thing, I've never been overweight. And that's not just because I'm lucky. And it's not because I exercise either, because we already know that I don't do that. It's directly connected to diet. I have been very deliberate about my diet, meaning what I will eat, what I won't eat.

And quantities. And quantities. But I've been able to make it something that's easy and not overwhelming by getting clarity about what I actually want and the very specific steps that will get me there. And that really only comes, because people I'm sure are saying, well, how do do that? That to me comes when I do my research. When I do my research about the direct negative impact on your body,

from fast food, from seed oils, from high fructose corn syrup, from all these different things, then I'm like, like this is so clear. The research is here. This is what happens. And so that's clarity to me that then makes it easy for me to make those choices. Like, okay, I'm not doing that because, and there's some.

Greg & Rachel Denning (18:44.472)
And I know people can say, well, it's so confusing. There's so many conflicting opinions out there. And that's true, but there's definitely a consensus. I don't care how confused you might feel about things. We all know that eating Krispy Kreme or a Big Mac is not on the list of healthy living. You know what mean? There's certain common denominators that we all know are not going to be on the list. So for me, that's where I started. I remember one of the very first things I ever cut out was

high fructose corn syrup. just refused to buy any single thing that had high fructose corn syrup or any corn product in it. Like that was just where I started. So it was one simple thing where I'm like, okay, I know this is bad. MSG, I remember that. And MSG, yeah. I remember specifically like, okay, we'll just look at every ingredient. This was our very first one. Every ingredient list, if it had MSG or high fructose corn syrup, it's a no -go. And that's where we...

That's where we started. That was the basic starting point. Now here we are 20 years later and there's a huge list of things of ingredients we would not consume but you don't necessarily have to start there. You start with one or two things that you're like okay no that's bad I'm not getting that. It's out. I think a great short book that's very concise very powerful is Why We Get Sick by Benjamin Bickman. I think everyone could start there.

It's not a huge book, it's not super complicated. He just walks through like these are the things that make us very sick and need to almost all disease. I would actually say even shorter is one called The Dental Diet. It's by a dentist. But he talks about his work is basically based off of Weston Price and nourishing traditions.

and essentially connecting the health of your teeth to the health of your body and how that all plays in. just, you know, he, they emphasize kind of an ancestral diet or a traditional diet that was based on whole foods. So yeah, so you do your research in an area like that. And we're talking about health and fitness, first of all, because in many ways that it, so if we're talking about where do we start, where do we change our life, that is a great way, a great place to start because. That's always my number one.

Greg & Rachel Denning (21:02.006)
When people ask me where to start. Yeah. with your mind, your body and your brain. Because especially when we're talking about I'm overwhelmed, I don't have enough energy to do what I want to do and to make all the changes I want to change. Well, one of the reasons is because you don't have the weight or the health and well, energy levels that you need and want.

to be able to do all of this. One of the reasons we have been able to accomplish all we've been able to accomplish is because we have so much energy. Because we've learned how to, first of all, eliminate toxins from our life, and second, then learn how to actually generate energy. Exactly. If you want to... We're not just lucky. We're not like, we won the energy lottery, you lucky people. It's like we learned how to generate energy. Anyone can do this. You just have to know what...

what the key pieces are, what the ingredients are of generating energy. And one is not putting toxic stuff into your vehicle. just like with a car, if you want it to run well, you better not put in diesel if it's a gas vehicle and you better not put in water or vice versa or water, right? You have to put the right stuff in. So that's a great place to start because if you just don't have the energy to do it and you've got extra weight, especially

reducing all of that and increasing your energy is going to help you in every other area of your life. And everyone I've worked with, everyone I've worked with, within a week feels better, feels more energized. going on to your suggested diet. I give some suggestions of very specific things to cut out and very specific things to start consuming. without fail so far, within a week, everyone's like, wow, I feel so much better.

It takes a couple days of the body going, what's going on? I miss all my addictive substances and I got a headache and I feel this and that and the other. But within a few days, they're all like, man, this feels good. I haven't felt like this for a long time. And if we hold that consistently, then it compounds in our favor and we're just operating with massive amounts of energy.

Greg & Rachel Denning (23:09.59)
And the body is the filter and the vehicle through which we experience every single thing in life. So no matter what we want to work on, improving our body improves the engagement in that other activity. So if I want to work on my marriage, one of the best things I can do is work on my body and brain. If I want to work on my relationship with my kids, one of the best things I can do is get my body right. So I want go back to overwhelm.

Because this is fascinating, I think very important for people who want to start making a change. And I know there's people listening that are already in fantastic shape, or marriage is fantastic. But wherever it is you want to make any kind of improvement, you can pick any aspect of your life, and I want to make improvements. I think one of the most common things we hear is the overwhelm. So first, like we clarified, it could be a lack of clarity on direction. Where am I going? I'm so confused. So I think.

I'm just so fascinated with this idea and it comes up all the time. So really want to understand it today. One of them, I think we're using the word overwhelm as kind of a blanket word for other things. And so they're like, I'm overwhelmed. Okay, let's take that layer back. Just use a different word. And then in some case it might be like, I'm confused. Confusion will do it. I'm not sure what to do.

Or, I'm overwhelmed, okay? Peel that back. What are you feeling like? I'm not sure what to do. That's different. Wait, how is that different than confusion? Because... maybe you know what to do but not sure how to do it? Yes, like I want to go this direction, I want to get this through and I don't know how to do it. Where I think the food thing is a good example. I'm confused because there's so many conflicting voices. There's 20 different people saying 20 different things. I'm confused.

And the other one's like, I just don't know what to do. So then, OK, so using the food as an example of what exercises do I do. I don't even know how to use these machines. Yeah, what do I do? Or the food thing, like once you realize, because it's true, that you need to be eating more red meat, then you're like, well, what do I actually make? Right? So then there's confi there's

Greg & Rachel Denning (25:22.892)
I guess it's still another level of confusion, but it's like, OK, I know now what to do, but now how do I do it? do I actually do this in the day -to -day world? So there's that one. And then I think there's at least a third element of, OK, now I know what I want, and I have created a list of what I need to do. And wow, that's a big list. And it seems like so much. And so I feel overwhelmed.

Yeah. I think that's another way we use that word because we're looking at this long... Like in order to get healthy I have to eliminate all these endocrine disruptors and then I also have to eat all these healthy foods that I don't know how to prepare and yeah, so it becomes this giant list. five to six days a week and I have to do this exercise and that exercise and so yeah the list starts getting long and we're looking way out there and here's where I see it pop up all the time. Instead of focusing on today...

Like today, I'm going to do a 30 minute workout, get my heart rate up. I'm going to have some fun. I'm going to just move my body and I'm going to come in and eat something really good. And I'm not going to drink any soda today. What we start doing the brain is like, you have to do this for the next 20 years. Every day forever is what the brain does. am I going to do that? Every day forever? Nah.

let's just stop and get a fizzy drink and some donuts. I was just like throwing out because forever, especially because early on it, it seems so hard. Like the Donut or ground beef. Overcoming inertia to eat better and exercise. It's in the beginning, like, man, this is so much self -discipline, so much effort. it's like, this is so hard. I had to do this every day forever.

I go, there we go, feel overwhelmed again because it's so much effort, but after just a few days, it's so much easier to do. I gotta quote Emerson. I don't want you to lose your thought, go for it. Just remind me, atomic habits. atomic habits. So Ralph Waldo Emerson said, that which we persist in doing becomes easier to do, not that the nature of the thing has changed, but our ability to do is increased. Yes. So.

Greg & Rachel Denning (27:41.876)
what we keep doing gets easier to do. if you keep working out, guess what? It's easier to work out. You keep eating healthy, it's easier. It just keeps getting easier and easier and easier. So then you look at people that have been doing it and they're like, what? No, I don't even think about it anymore. take me. Everyone's doing it. And you're like, you're so lucky. Well, no. You have so much discipline. Yeah, exactly. Like, how do you have so much control? What are you talking about? For me now, it takes no control to not eat donuts, fast food, junk food. None. I'm not sitting there like.

do this Greg you could do this don't eat that crap I'm like there's zero like there's a whole tray of junk food a buffet of garbage like this happens every time we say at a really nice hotel and you go in there and they have refreshments or whatever like my gosh there's a gigantic table of poison I'm not looking at thinking wow that looks so good

I gotta resist it. Nothing. I walk right past, I take a big sniff and I'm like, crap, I think I just got a cavity in my nose from that toxic poison. I'm gonna go do a, I gotta do a nasal detox from walking past the table. I'm gonna say that I am way better about that than I used to be, like for sure. But there are still some times when I am tempted for sure. I'm like, that thing.

Okay, I am tempted by that. So for me, and this ties into the Atomic Habits comment I wanted to make, is that it's still not about discipline. It's not that I have a ton of discipline per se. I do have some discipline. But the key to success is strategies and systems, which is exactly what he talks about in Atomic Habits. When you set up your environment to succeed, then guess what?

It's so easy to succeed and it doesn't require a lot of discipline. Like if you had to require, rely just on discipline in order to make all of these changes, it's so hard. No wonder you get exhausted and no wonder you feel overwhelmed because you're trying to use discipline to make it happen when instead what you have to do is use your habits, your systems to make it happen. So one easy thing for me in order to keep this up is

Greg & Rachel Denning (30:05.57)
going back to the food example because it's a real tangible example. just don't buy anything that tempted me, that tempts me that I shouldn't be eating. Easy. We don't have donuts in the house. We rarely have bread in the house. We have some dark chocolate, but you know, we eat that occasionally. Not a temptation, it's just like a little thing that that's allowed. We don't have any of the, like Oreos, nothing like that. We don't have any of refined sugars, no highly processed anything. Yeah, there's nothing highly processed, there's nothing.

Now again, that's like the next level. That's where we've gotten to after 20 years. But beginning, starting out, we just didn't buy the stuff. We didn't buy the ice cream. So that's a cool idea. So you exercise discipline at the grocery store so that you don't have to exercise discipline all week. Exactly. You make it way easier. Right. So much easier. Like it's just that simple when you just cut it out. It's not there. So it's not a part of your daily routine. Now going into the day -to -day world.

that can get a little trickier, especially if you go to work and there's donuts there all the time or whatever. You have to get more strategic about having a system to help you. And in that case, would just take you, going back to this feeling of overwhelm, you would just have to break that down. Well, when am I feeling tempted and why, and how could I prevent that? And what could I buy instead to have to fulfill that need? Buy a donut peach instead. I don't know if they have them in the US, but in Europe.

They have what we call donut peaches, because they're nice, flat, like a donut. They're delicious. That's a great replacement for a donut. That's way better than a donut, right? To eat a peach. So you just have to be strategic about what you are going to do instead to create a system that makes it easy for you to keep the commitments you made beforehand. And I think that that's often where most people fail, is that they get inspired, they get excited.

And then they sabotage themselves by doing the thing that makes it hard for them to keep that commitment that they want to make. think about it. If your pantry is full, you have a year's supply of trash. Yeah. And you're like, that's it. That's it. I'm changing. I'm not eating that junk anymore. And multiple times a day, you've got to walk past the pantry or go into the pantry.

Greg & Rachel Denning (32:25.62)
and exercise self -discipline to not eat that garbage. That's just so hard and challenging. On a day of motivation, you're like, that's it, I'm done. You walk in the pantry, you throw it all away. Or give it to someone else. No, don't kill other people. Give it to a food pantry. Gosh. Maybe give it to a pig or something. Pigs are great. But you go in and you exercise. When you're feeling motivated on fire and this is it, I'm becoming a new person.

Get all of that crap out of your life. And then it's gone. And your brain's looking so drastic, Greg. It's so, and it's such a waste of money. It is. But like, would you rather suffer in poor health and keep the extra weight? No way. It's not worth it. And it is a waste of money, but choices have consequences. You bought that crap. Well, and because for us, sometimes that drastic.

Is just what you need because it also makes a major statement it makes it easier for one thing But it also makes a major statement to yourself and to the people around you that you're serious I am willing to waste quote -unquote this money Because that's how seriously I feel about making this change and when you do something like that, then your brain's like Okay. Wow. Yeah, we're really serious here. It's and so it

as this additional level of discipline in a way of like, yeah, like this is how firmly I feel about this. I was willing to make that, do that drastic change. Psychologically, you're doing yourself a huge favor. Right. For those of you who are like, I just can't do it. I can't throw away. It's as good money. That's why I say give it to someone else. Donate it to someone else. Again, long -term thinking, you're like, well, no, if you eat all this crap and your family eats all this crap, there will be medical bills. It's true. And we often don't make that connection.

One way or another. Like we never go to the doctor. I mean, we have seven children. There's nine people. We wander all over the planet, take massive risks. Like we live life. Safe risks. We never go to the doctor. Because we're so healthy, which is the natural state of the body. too much. Rarely. Very, very rarely when it's needed. Like if you break a bone, like.

Greg & Rachel Denning (34:46.712)
Please go to the doctor. So we have been to the doctor for those types of scenarios. If a strange infection, I got a kidney infection once and a urinary tract went to the I went to the doctor. Of course I'm going to the But overall, the amount of times we have been to a doctor or a dentist is so So here's another thing that I think people don't fully comprehend. If you invest more money into the food you're eating,

you have to invest less in doctor and medical bills because your health is better over the long run. Exactly. It's an investment. so if you, in this scenario we're talking about, if you get rid of that food that's no good because now even people like Jordan Peterson are coming out and saying, the food pyramid's a scam. Like, you should not be eating seven to 10 servings of grains a day. Like, that's not good for you. You know? So you decide to throw out all your wheat food storage or whatever it is.

because it's not good, that's an investment into your long -term health because now you're not tempted to eat it. And this is kind of, I know for some people on the extreme level here, but you know, this is kind of what we're talking about is these are the kind of actions you need to take once you realize and have done the research for yourself to know, this isn't good for me. I'm going to eliminate it from my life. That's the easy answer for...

not having to use discipline to get it done. that's a really great place to start, would say. The people asking this question, like, where do I begin? If it were me, and I was a person, what should we call him? Clarence. Clarence comes in and is like, hey, man, I want to change my life. And I'm eating all this junk food. don't work. Whatever. The whole scenario, right? And he's like, I want to change.

One great place to start is elimination. go through your house, go through your pantry, go through your, let's get rid of anything and everything that's not a part of your ideal best self. Like where you're going, who you're becoming, the kind of life you want to live, anything that's in your way, gone. Just go through and like, it doesn't have to take a ton of time. It might seem a little painful in the moment when you literally take your trash can over the pantry and just dump.

Greg & Rachel Denning (37:09.096)
all the stuff in there and take it out to the trash like whatever like dump all the alcohol down the drain like any tobacco products just in the garbage can like all your energy so -called energy drinks your just massive caffeine sugar drinks like all that crap gone because it seems extreme but it's a great place to yeah it's often easier to start making changes

by focusing on what we know we don't want. Right? So it's focusing on the elimination. That's a good place to start because you're like, I know I don't want this or I shouldn't have this. So then the next natural step is just to eliminate it from your life. Now, people don't do that partly because, one, it's challenging, two, it feels like a waste of money, three, though, which this is then the next key step.

you need to have some sort of replacement. Absolutely. So if you stop eating this or stop drinking that, you need to have something that you replace it with, or otherwise you're just going be like, now I have this void in my life. Your brain will freak out. Yeah. Like, we're going to starve to death. There's nothing to eat now. What do I do? What am I going to eat? Yeah. It literally starts freaking out. And people will get, what am I going to eat? I don't know what to eat now. Yeah. So there are a couple of ways to approach this, obviously the one that you mentioned, which is.

the extreme, it definitely works. And then when you come to that point of like, used to eat my Oreos, now what do do? You use that energy in that moment to find a solution. Like, what can I eat instead that's better than Oreos? And even if it's something, and I'll even use this, I mean, it's not ideal per se, but if you find a way to make your own Oreos out of healthier ingredients, that's a step up than where you were, you know? And sometimes people need I know, I know, I know.

But sometimes people need that. just need to kind of level up and get... Well, here's why. Because I've been there, that's where the overwhelm can come. Because you often feel like you're jumping from here to here, and you don't know how to get there, because you don't know the steps. So I had a client yesterday. I said, hey man. Because, okay, this is perfect example. He's like, look, I want to get jacked. Big muscles.

Greg & Rachel Denning (39:34.924)
Well, and I was like, okay, you want to do that? And he's like, wait a minute. We had this conversation. He's like, I think my jacked and your jacked are different. Okay. I'm like, well, let's do yours. What do you want to do? And he's right. I'm like, okay, you just want to be lean. He's like, ooh, I like lean. Lean's the better word. I'm like, great. Okay, let's go with lean. And we walked through that and he said, and I said, look, man, these are the kind of workouts you'll be doing. And he said, I'm not ready for that.

And I stopped him right there. I'm like, whoa, ho, ho, ho. Because if we allow ourselves this cop out and we say, I'm not ready for that, that's just an excuse. It's just the brain resisting. It's just the survival mechanism. Whatever. It's just playing the victim somehow. like, hey, you need to do hard workouts. I'm not ready for that. What do mean you're not ready for that?

Do a hard workout. No, man. And this applies across the board. Like, hey, you need to do this. You need to do that. No, I'm not ready for that. What does that even mean? When you say to yourself, I'm not ready for that, what does that even mean? It's just like some buffer. You're using this phrase to protect yourself from effort, to like shield yourself from making the change. like, you're not doing yourself a favor.

If there's something I need to do to get new results, the worst thing I do is say to myself, I'm not ready for that. Well, I think especially if you really do want the results, but then you're not willing to do what it takes to get them, it is a form of self -sabotage for sure. I do also want to add that you're right, but I do feel that it's also a very masculine approach.

that women also need, but because of what we've talked about with hormones and changing cycles and all of that before in our other episodes, that doesn't work for a woman every single week, if that makes sense. There are some weeks, and I think that this is often where women get into trouble, because I was talking to one of my coaching clients about this.

Greg & Rachel Denning (41:52.94)
When we try to hold ourselves to that level of standard, like you were just discussing, of like, I just have to do it. I just have to level up. I just have to be ready to take on the challenge. There are weeks when I can do that. And there are weeks if I try to do that, I end up in a puddle of tears on the floor. And so on those weeks, I have to give myself more grace and be like, you know what? This week, I'm just doing whatever I can Let's walk through that.

That's specifically referring to maybe massive effort, where you're like, I got to put in a lot of effort here. But you're not talking about, on this week, I just feel like eating fast food, and so I'm going to. OK, yeah. But no, you're right. Because you don't. You're not like, this is This is my fast food I am definitely. Exactly. But I do have, and this is where it can get, there's a lot of nuance there, because I do have a carb week.

where I eat more carbs which is generally the week before my leading up to my period. I crave them more my body. I did the research your body actually needs more carbohydrates for creating progesterone instead of estrogen. I do have what in other weeks I would consider not ideal eating. During those weeks I'm okay with it. I eat more bread although ideally I should be more junk food.

It's still bread, generally bread, and potatoes and squash, like more fruit. So I'm eating more carbohydrates during those week, which on another week, I try not to eat as much of those things. I'm focusing on meat and proteins and fats. So I guess what I'm saying is like, yeah, there is a time and place for that. And for men, it's probably more consistent.

But in this whole process, for women, we need to realize that we do have to allow ourselves these, I guess we could call them off weeks, where we can lower the standard. It doesn't mean we let the standard go 100%. Or maybe we even just have a different standard. It's like, that's the standard for that week. I would agree with that, because you don't want to lower your standards. And just throw it out. Because every time we lower a standard or make an excuse, it weakens.

Greg & Rachel Denning (44:08.948)
It's making it harder for us in the long term. for women, I would agree that there's a week where you're like, this week is a different operating system. We have a different principles and practices during this week. like, this is my standard, I'm lowering my standard. That's a different volume. No, that's true. I want to circle back to this thing of, just to make sure I'm not misunderstood here, you say, well, I'm just not ready for that. I'm not ready for that.

You might be like saying, well no, I'm out of shape, man. can't do 500 pushups. Yeah, 500 pushups every day. What are you talking about? You're right. I'm not talking about that. And I'm not talking about you pushing yourself like some UFC fighter, because you aren't ready for that. What I am saying is like, no, you could do a hard workout today.

Like, that's hard for you. You can push your limit today. There's literally nothing stopping you. So essentially it's that. It's you can push your limit today. that's really all that it is. But then it reminds me, put up this block, like, no, I'm not ready for that. Like, 100%, bro. If we were together, we could do this. And afterwards, you'd feel amazing. You'd feel so confident and so triumphant that you did that. yeah, bro, you're ready.

The only thing stopping you from being ready is the fact that you're saying you're not ready. Yeah, it's a mental block. OK, so I actually want to touch on some other topics here and approaches because I know that we're talking about where do I start? How do I change? And we've been talking mostly about health and fitness, which is good because it is a foundational area for change. But I also want to tie it into this principle that in essence,

when you are wanting to make changes to your life, one of the principles that we've always used is to look at what is the one thing or maybe two things that if I change those, it would drastically change everything else in my life or have a positive impact on everything else in my life. So we've been talking about health and fitness because that is one of them. But I think another key, probably if I could pick two,

Greg & Rachel Denning (46:23.52)
it would definitely be marriage and money. Those would be two other areas where you could focus on making changes that would also have a major impact on all the other areas of your life. And so this is another strategy that when you're like, where do I start? What do I change? You have to look at what the biggest pain points are in your life. That ultimately I think decides where you begin.

Because every person is different and every person is, you know, we might be headed in a same general direction of where we want to go, but we're all starting from different places. And so we have to look at the pain points we have in our life. What's causing the most pain, the most frustration, the most irritation. And that is a place that you're going to want to begin to focus on. And rather than having this approach of doing all the things, if

you have to choose, I think it's wiser to choose, especially in the beginning, you focus on the pain points and start making changes in those areas and they're going to have a carryover effect, overflow effect into the other areas of your life that will naturally be improved as a result. Which makes sense. If you can remove pain and frustration and irritation. So the other day I had a shoulder injury.

And the pain in my shoulder, it was so distracting. It was even hard to hold a conversation. It was hard to think about other things, work on things, because the pain was just so intense. And so it became, it was blinding, was distracting. Like it just pulled my attention away. Like it was crazy. So it makes sense. like, what's really hurting in your life right now?

Give that the attention it needs and once the pain is relieved in that area. Here's a mistake I see people make a lot and I did this too is like there's we get some relief and then we stop doing what was working like we do something to really the pain the pain is they're like Okay, now I go back to what I was doing exactly what you were doing causes the pain. So within a few days or weeks pains back. Yeah, like knucklehead and so we get on this the cycle of like

Greg & Rachel Denning (48:41.602)
Do something till the pain goes away, then stop, pain goes back. Do something, then we just up and down, up and down, up and down. So you lean into that, relieve the pain and keep going. And then you add something else. Like what's the next thing that hurts? Okay, yeah. How do we stack a little bit there so we can really make forward momentum? That's the next level of the strategy because you pick one or two things that are the pain points. You work on improving them. Then once you get the relief, you don't stop, right?

because you've got to keep going. If you want the long -term relief, you have to keep doing the thing that brings that relief. But then, and then there's a period of time where when you do that, it just becomes natural. Like it just becomes natural for you to now do that thing, like to not eat fast food. That's just so natural for us now. It's not even an issue. Once something like that becomes natural, then you're right. And maybe not once, but once it's becoming.

more natural for you, then you can pick another thing that's another pain point and use the same process of saying, OK, I'm going to work on this now. This is going to be my focus while I'm maintaining this other one over here. Because the problem, like you've said, that we see people doing all the time is they do this thing, they get the relief, and then they're like, great, now I'm going to move on to this. And they let that go. Pain comes right back. While they focus over here.

And then now they're back in overwhelm because this problem came back up. There is a way to discover and figure out what helps you maintain that so that now this is like this is just a standard. This is just your new norm. This is just a foundation. From here on out. From here on out. It's just the thing. I think it's important to point out that people are capable. And I want to like those of you listening, I want to talk to you specifically.

You are capable of far more than you probably think you are and far more than you're doing. And not that you're like, are you kidding me? I'm exhausted. I'm in survival mode. I'm just barely hanging on. And what I want to say is like, your capabilities actually make that easier. And with the right tools and strategies and especially coaching, one of the first things maybe you should do is hire coaching.

Greg & Rachel Denning (51:04.632)
Like join the program, ladies join the 28 day, Rachel's 28 day challenge and men get in the formidable family man master class and try it. Like get in there and get help and support and tools, tactics, strategies. But you're capable of so much more. And if you just kind of tap into your capacities and your capabilities, what's crazy is you'll look back and be like, man, like.

Was struggling so much but needlessly because I am capable of so much more so you you tap into those capabilities and they're you're doing so much more stacking with less effort with Exactly with less ever so you're gonna do far more with less effort. Well, but it just takes starting I always think of when we were first married first of all when we were first married We thought we were so busy and then we adopted our first child and then we thought my gosh, we're so busy and now

I mean, we do more now than we could have ever thought was possible to do in one day than we used to think was possible to do in a year. But it's because we have become more capable at being able to handle more and to do more with less stress because we have more energy, we have more vitality, we have more clarity, we have more strategy. When you dial in all of those pieces, then yes, you actually are able to do more.

in less amount of time, with less effort, with less stress, so that it really does become so much easier to do all of the things, but not because you're putting out mountains of energy to do it. And I think one of the keys to doing this is because ultimately it's all about energy in lots of different ways. And so many of us are using huge amounts of energy in resisting.

or... or...

Greg & Rachel Denning (53:04.524)
Well, I want to use resisting again. Being resistant to certain things, like even what you were just talking about. Like, I'm not ready for that. Like, we put so much energy into that, resisting that thing rather than just leaning in and putting our energy into it and then realizing, actually, this is easier. Like I've talked about in all of our sex podcasts. Like, I used to put so much energy in avoiding sex instead of. more.

way more than it took to just actually have sex and once I leaned into just engaging in sex with you more often then it made everything else better which then made our whole life better so were you were inadvertently doing all these things that are actually making things more difficult for us?

Instead of leaning into them and then get receiving all the positive benefits that overflow as a result so I think that's one idea of how we're sabotaging ourselves because we need to just eliminate those things that are causing resistance in our life a very interesting one is how much energy and effort we put into excuses yeah, really put all kinds of creative thought and

ingenuity. Right. We're putting all this can't do this because of all these reasons. you're like, why don't you figure out how you can do it instead? Take all that genius and creativity and move it to finding solutions instead of finding excuses. Yeah. It's this whole idea of some of it. A lot of times we know already. We already know. We're like, yeah, you're right. I shouldn't be eating that. And I shouldn't be doing this. And I shouldn't be doing that. And yet.

We have all this energy and resistance into defending our position about why we are so right about this thing and why we have the right to do it and why we should be able to do it and why it's good for us to do it and why we're the exception or whatever on and on and on. When if we instead just admitted to ourselves, yeah that's not, I don't need that in my life. I just need to let it go. Then suddenly it's like you find this beautiful

Greg & Rachel Denning (55:12.298)
space where it's like all of those things flow to you and all of the unnecessary flows out and everything's so much easier and now you're able to do all the things that you want to do with more peace and joy and less overwhelm and it's just a beautiful place to be in. Love it. Okay so kind of just to recap and give you some some things to work on just pick

Pick something that needs attention. Pick something that's a pain point. point, the frustration point. I know a lot of people come to us and their houses are very cluttered. That's another Their lives are very cluttered. Well, because a cluttered house is a reflection of cluttered mind, essentially. Exactly. If you find yourself surrounded by clutter all the time, it's because you haven't worked on yet organizing.

And we don't think that this is connected, but it is. When you work on organizing your mind and vice versa, organizing your space, they help to organize each other. Organizing your space helps you to organize your mind, and organizing your mind helps you to organize your space. Exactly. So a cluttered space, to me, is areas that haven't been addressed, things that haven't been fully taken care of. And when we do that process,

Because a lot of times it seems unimportant, like, we don't need to do that. I'm too busy. I'm doing this. I'm doing that, which can be good things. But I've found that we can often find that next level of progress, that next level of growth, when we take the time to clean up the clutter that we've kind of been ignoring, if that makes sense. And so there's two approaches. One, you could set aside a day.

and just do a massive, massive effort towards that thing. with the cluttering example, you could just say, you know what, this day we're going all hands on deck here, the whole family, and we are gonna organize and clean up an entire space. You could do that. I think it's good to start with one space, not like the whole You can do a lot. You can get a lot done. Another strategy that works just as well is every day you just.

Greg & Rachel Denning (57:31.736)
pick part of it. And I'm going to circle back to this overwhelming thing because I think I can conceptualize how this would happen. It's like you look at this clutter everywhere and you're like, it is so overwhelming. There's clutter everywhere. And the way the way I handle this mentally whenever there's something that seems like there's so much to do.

is I just say, what's next? What's first? What am I going do here? I'm just going to take a chunk of this. I I'll give a super simple, kind of almost trivial example. We purchased this property, and when we got here, it had been neglected for years. where we are now. So we're at the, you know, we call it the World School Family Resort. And it had been neglected for so long. And when we got here, like the entire yard is just weeds. There was no grass. It was just all weeds.

So I just started by watering it and planting grass seed and just kind of letting the weeds and the seeds grow together to at cover the ground. So then, you know, once it's green from the watering system, and again, I just had to do it one step at a time, right? I'm like, well, let's get some water on it. Let's throw down some seed. Now it's just like, well, it's way, way, it was just barren, nasty, horrible dirt. You couldn't even walk across it because you were just getting tons of burrs in your feet. It was just terrible.

So now it's this combination of grass and weeds. And if I want to get rid of all the weeds, I'm totally against the chemical sprays. It's a fundamental. The fits with this conversation is keeping toxins out of your life. I'm not going to use those toxins. So we're going to get rid of the weeds.

Now I could go out there and I can allow my brain to feel overwhelmed by all the weeds in the yard. But instead, while I'm listening to books in the morning and evenings, go out. And letting your dogs run around. Yeah. And I do some training with the dogs. let the dogs out and play. And it actually turns out, I love this, all of our birds and pigs love eating the weeds. Geese, chickens, and ducks. I mean, they love it. So now they've gotten this routine.

Greg & Rachel Denning (59:49.418)
every single morning they're out there waiting for me in the same spot and every evening there they just want their weed feed they want to be fed and so it's actually this beautiful thing where I go out listening to the book play with my dogs I pull I pull probably a couple hundred weeds a day and

It's just little by little, it's getting better. the yard started to live out of the grass is getting stronger and coming in. within a couple of months, it's going to be absolutely fantastic. The whole area is going to be just gorgeous, but it's it's not getting overwhelmed by, my goodness, there's tens of thousands of weeds out here. The whole place I can't do it. It's like, OK, every day I'll make it a little bit better. And same same thing with whatever you want to work on. Just.

I guess that's how I mentally do it. I hope this is helpful for somebody. When I have this huge project or this huge list of things I need to do, like, what's right in front of me? What can I do right now? I'll do that. Well, and that, to me, is also the approach I take with decluttering. Because same thing. People can look at a space and feel overwhelmed because there's so much stuff there and they don't know what to do with it. And really, decluttering and organizing just comes down to one thing at a time. It really is just that. You pick one thing. It can be any.

thing and you pick it and you say where does this go and then you find a spot. Now people get stuck because they're like I don't know where this goes and then they just give up. I don't do that. I literally will hold on to that thing until I know where it goes and then I'll take it there.

And if... be careful what you pick up. You might be holding it all day. Yeah. You might have to take it to bed with you. But I will also realize if it's multi -step, then I come up with a plan for that. If it's something that I'm like, well, wow, really what we need is we need a place to keep the tools. So this is a tool. We need a place to keep them. You know, I'm not to that step yet. So I'm going to have a tool pile. I make a pile of tools.

Greg & Rachel Denning (01:01:50.188)
That will then later be organized when I purchase a cabinet or whatever. So, but what I do is I categorize things. So I take it and I put it into a category and then everything that goes into that category goes together. So I start to separate out the mess so that you're actually, you're bringing order to the space, right? And then things that I do know, this goes in the garbage, easy. This goes in the kitchen. I put it in the kitchen. It's really one thing at a time is the key.

to decluttering. And that same principle, think, is true in this topic we're discussing today. Ultimately, when people are saying, how do I change my life? We could compare that to a messy house or to a cluttered room. It's the same principle. You just start with one thing. Like, what is right in front of you? What is sitting on your desk? What is... You keep walking across it every time you go. That's where you start. And then you pick that thing up and you say, where does this go?

And you find a place for it and you put it there and if you're not if you don't have a place for it yet you put it in a pile so that you can get something to put it in and you just go thing by thing step by step weed by weed and that's ultimately how you make change but it's really is that simple one little thing at a time and it works in business I mean where we started it works in fitness it works in family and it works in finances yeah

You can take these practices and principles wherever it's like, what's going to make the biggest difference? What do need to do today that can start moving in that direction? That's the way to get started. And I would give this big encouragement. It's like, just do something today and each day. So every day when you get up, what's one thing I can do to move towards the direction of our ideal lifestyle, like the goals and dreams you want to have? And if we want to.

talk about the intangibles a little bit more because you can do this same process as you do with a room. But as you go throughout your day, you just confront all the things that are in front of you. And maybe it's your morning routine or maybe it's what you go to eat for breakfast. And for me, in order to avoid the overwhelm, I might be sitting there and be like, wow, the only thing I have for breakfast is a bagel and

Greg & Rachel Denning (01:04:13.974)
all I have is a donut for breakfast, right? And maybe in that moment I eat the donut, but what I'm not gonna do is just be like, well, it's too hard, I can't do it. I will sit there and think while I eat that donut, how can I prevent this from happening again? What can I do instead? Like what can I do today that will prevent me from eating a donut tomorrow? And so it's as you are confronted with the challenges you're facing, whatever they are,

Instead of discounting it and dismissing it and feeling guilty or shameful like I'm eating a donut again Just say what can I do to change this? What can I do to make this not happen again and then take action on that? One simple next step action to make that a reality even with something as like big and complex as marriage Let's say maybe your marriage is feeling flat or it's struggling you feel like roommates or you're fighting like crazy

And so you're listening to this podcast and be like, what can I possibly do today to this, our marriage has been hurting for a while and it's a big, big deal. It's like, I can't just do one thing. But the truth is you can do one thing. You can sit down right now and be like, my marriage is hurting. What's one thing I can do today that would move us in the right direction? And for me, just thinking out loud right now, if I was sitting there, I'm like, okay, I'm gonna purchase a book on marriage.

and I'm going to commit to listening to 30 minutes a day, right? Because my marriage matters. And I'm going to give it least 30 minutes a day. Because that's going to give me, just reading through the book is going to change my thoughts, it's going to give me ideas, it's going to remind me of things. But then right now I'm like, what's one thing I can do? I'm going to write a nice letter. I'm going to write a nice note. Because Rachel loves notes. And so I'll be like, I'm ordering a book, committing to 30 minutes a day, I'm writing her a note right now.

I love what one of our clients said in our coaching session for the 28 day challenge, you know, she said she's been working on this process and She talked about how She's like, I don't know what to do Yet that's different from what I have been doing but but the thing I'm doing in between is just remaining silent You know, I used to respond in a certain way and that's obviously not working

Greg & Rachel Denning (01:06:33.058)
But instead of continuing to do that same thing that's not working and not getting the results you want, she's now just being silent and saying, OK, I'm not going to respond like that. she's about what could I do differently. And when her husband asks, she's just honest about it. Like, well, I know what I've been doing doesn't work, and I'm not sure what else to do. So right now, I'm just being quiet about it, right? That's a simple step.

That, I think, is a perfect example of how we do this process, whatever it is in life, whether it's marriage or food or exercise or parenting or money. If nothing else, when you come to that moment where you used to do this thing that you know is not good, you just sit there now and be like, what could I do instead? Yeah, I'm just not going to do that anymore. if there was something that I was chronically saying.