0:00
Teenagers.
They are some of the coolest people on the planet.
We're trying to paint a picture of what is possible.
We've 0 concerns or problems about our teens.
You have children at home, there's nothing more important than raising them well.
That is an indication that you are not strategically parenting.
0:19
The reason they don't have great parenting skills is because they've never been exposed to it.
Hey there, this is Greg Denning.
We want to reach as many people as possible and help as many families as possible with these conversations.
And we want to keep this podcast ad free forever.
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0:51
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast.
We are your hosts, Greg and Rachel Denning.
Today, my friends, we are talking about teenagers, one of the raddest topics on the planet because they are some of the coolest people on the planet.
If I might be absolutely frank, if you're having trouble with your teenagers, that is an indication that you are not strategically parenting and maybe haven't been for a while.
1:20
And so you're just reaping rewards from former behaviors.
And I know, I know that can be painful to hear, but it's actually the most powerful thing you can hear.
It's the most important thing you hear.
If, if something's off with my kids, I don't look at my kids and blow, there's something wrong with my kids.
I need to send them to some kind of camp or so I need to send them to somebody to fix them or whatever.
1:39
I need to stop and be like whoa, what am I doing or not doing that's making this ineffective or making it harder than it needs to be?
Well, yeah, the most painful truths are often the most powerful truths, because what that means ultimately, that's what I love about the whole idea of personal responsibility and accepting responsibility for the outcomes in your life.
2:00
It means you can actually do something to change it.
If if the fact is that teenagers just are stinkers and annoying and and trouble no matter what, then yeah, I get it.
Then that sucks.
That and that's the attitude.
That is why people have that attitude is because they do believe that.
2:18
They just believe that this is just how teenagers are.
They don't understand that there's a lot more that we can do as parents to make the teenage years actually enjoyable and something that you love instead of something that you loathe.
2:33
Exactly, and it should be is to be something we celebrate and joy.
It should be a stage and a phase of.
Life some of the IT.
Was amazing.
It is some of some of the funnest times of parenting.
Parenting, I mean sincerely.
I believe that because that's when your children actually start, from my experience, become your friends.
2:53
Like I guarantee right now, a lot of people listening to this are like, you are supposed to be friends with your kids.
You're supposed to be the parent.
So that's what I'm saying.
Like the only way you can be friends with your kids is if your kids are super mature and responsible and.
Like easily.
3:10
Influence.
They have to be very capable, very competent.
They have to be well.
They're respectful and they respect you.
Yeah, what?
And they and they understand life and they understand rules and laws and accountability.
You guys, we have 0 and I'm, I'm, I'm not over exaggerating.
3:27
I'm like, we have 0 concerns or problems about our teens.
Zero.
I would say the majority of teens, at least in our culture, are still childish.
And so that friend stage, if it ever comes, it comes much later.
3:44
But if your kids are mature and responsible and fun and pleasant to be around and you love spending time with them and they love spending time with you did it.
It's.
Awesome.
That's the epitome of awesome family life.
The point of all of this, we're trying to paint a picture and a vision of what is possible.
4:03
Because I don't feel like we're anomalies, like we're not some aliens from another planet that or doing something humans can't do.
We are human beings.
Like we came from normal families, normal teenage experiences.
I was the epitome of a horrible teenager.
I literally was like, I was rebellious, I was disrespectful, I was rude.
4:21
I was that teenager that people describe.
That was me.
So we come from that background and we're painting a picture of what's possible.
Because very often, I mean, Brian Tracy has said before that the reason many people are not wealthy is because they've never been exposed to it.
4:38
And I think that that principle applies to everything else in life.
The reason they don't have great families and great parenting skills is because they've never been exposed to it.
So exposure and a vision of what is possible is the first step.
You can't create something that you don't know exists.
4:55
That's what we want to talk about today is like how, how do you get something different?
How do you create better relationships?
The principles that are working, not just our luck.
And, and for those who are new to the podcast, I grew up in a broken home, was out on my own as a teenager.
5:11
I only want to paint that picture so that none of you think, well, OK, if you 2 just came from these wonderful families and you have this advantage in life, you know, you had parents that that showed you how to raise teenagers.
Neither of us had that.
And we had to figure this stuff out and, and we were very deliberate and strategic about it.
5:32
And that's why it worked.
And so if we can do it, you can do it.
Anyone can do it.
Well, and plus it to explain the process too.
It was very much a trial and error and we figured out things that worked by experimenting and then did more of those things.
5:48
So it's not like, you know, there was no mistakes and it was perfect the whole way and that we never had any conflict.
That sort of stuff happened.
But we were able to be strategic in figuring out what worked and what didn't, and then to stop doing the things that didn't work and start doing more of the things that did work.
6:03
So by the time our second teen or 13 or 14 now or 15, we're like, OK, we know what it is, what is working and we can get more consistent results with it because we figured it out, right.
That, that, that I would say is our super simple superpower that we can share with anybody.
6:23
It can be anybody's superpower.
Those of you listening like it's, it's like we just going to hand it to you.
Now, noticing isn't just enough.
You have to research it.
You have to study, you have to practice.
So when you, when you get out and, and do this with everything in life, when you get out and you try a lot of things and you try them quickly and you, you try to implement a lot of strategies and you're watching, really paying attention.
6:45
You're being deliberate about what you're doing.
You you collapse time.
So what would take somebody years to figure out?
You can figure out a few weeks because you're you're just trying a lot of things and paying really close attention.
Yeah.
Most of us are just rolling along, kind of dazed and confused with our fingers crossed, hoping our kids turn out.
7:07
I have noticed that people will realize there's some issue with their child or their teen and yet they take no action on it.
They do nothing about it.
They might reach out and ask a question, but then when it gets right down to actually taking steps, they procrastinate or they dilly dally, or they never make a decision.
7:26
And so months and years will go by and they never do anything to actually try to make a difference or to solve the problem.
I think that is one of the fallacies that many parents face is that they just don't have any sense of urgency about I need to do something about this and I need to do it now, not tomorrow, not next week.
7:45
Our approach has always been to pay attention to the warning signs, which are the small things like unless you have a good relationship with your teen and they are healthy and happy, everything else is pretty much a warning sign.
One thing that a lot of good parents don't realize is that the warning sign, they often mistakenly assume it's normal behavior.
8:11
Like, oh, that's normal.
You know, tween or teen behavior.
You got to you got to start distinguishing, like what are the warning signs, the ones that have to be addressed immediately and do something about it.
So yeah, I would plead, plead with all of you, do not procrastinate, don't hesitate.
8:31
If you see anything that's off, take action on it immediately and keep taking action until it is resolved.
Now that's it has to be done in the right way.
Exactly.
That's where I was going.
There's an art and a science.
Because if you're just like, ah, I have to take action and you just start pushing and pushing, pushing.
8:50
Pushing being a dictator.
You'll push your kids right out of your life for good.
You'll you'll actually create the very thing you don't want.
Sometimes the action you need to take is actually on yourself.
It's action to improve yourself, your way of being, your viewpoints, your perspectives.
9:07
So we can emphatically say the best way to help my teens is for me to be a better person.
And I and I can specifically dig into parenting strategies and tactics, it's skills, and take it dead serious.
9:23
Yeah, dead serious.
Because this is the most important role you have at this time in your life.
Like if you have children at home, there is nothing more important than raising them.
Well, nothing.
And it has an expiration date.
Like they're going to leave your home, they're going to move out.
9:40
And the type of relationship you have with them for the rest of your life will be determined by how you parent it.
And we may not fully realize this, but often children rebel as teenagers because of things that occurred in their early years, like even the fact that they didn't have their needs met as a baby.
10:03
And we think that that's not connected, but it actually is.
It's very much connected.
It's imprinted in their psyche, yeah.
It absolutely is.
When we have understanding even going back to that sort of stuff, then it helps us to be able to come up with a strategic plan that helps us to get the results that we want and the results that they want.
10:21
Our children want to have good relationships with us.
That's what they want and so.
Ever underestimate how much your kids want to please?
You exactly.
They do.
And so we just have to do our part to make sure we're not pushing them away.
OK, we have to mention so many behavior problems with teens are caused by lack of sleep and poor food quality.
10:44
If if you'll just improve how well they sleep, make sure they're getting good sleep and enough sleep, and make sure they're eating good food.
The vast majority of behavioral issues and problems and weird stuff just go away because they're tired and their brains are starting.
11:03
Including depression and anxiety when.
You get hangry or tired?
Are you less patient?
Are you more reactive?
Do you think clearly?
So those are foundational principles that are playing into all of this because that directly effects behavior and the the behavior effects our interactions together as parent and child.
11:26
I want to go over this really fast because I think it's important, the emotional bank account, because that's going to really play an important role in the relationship with your teens.
And essentially the emotional bank account is whether or not the needs of your child are met.
11:42
If they're met and you're meeting them, you can have capital with them.
You have emotional capital, you have money in the bank, so to say.
But if their needs were not met when they were children, they're all so hungry, tired, depressed, they literally have a negative balance.
12:00
They're overdrawn.
And it's going to be so much harder for you to have the relationship with them that you want and to be able to ask them to do things because you literally have an overdrawn account.
And in most cases, I would say almost 100%, if you can't ask your child, your teenager, to do something without getting a negative response from them, it's most likely that you have an overdrawn emotional bank account with them.
12:31
A great way that I like to think about this is that every interaction I have with them is either making a deposit or withdrawal.
Every single interaction.
Every single one.
If I stop and think like well and and what's then I like to ask what's my ratio and it's easy to get a very low ratio of deposits and a very high ratio of withdrawals.
12:50
Yes, and this is important to understand.
It doesn't necessarily have to be a negative thing to make a withdrawal.
Me asking them to wash the dishes, that can be a withdrawal because it requires emotional capital.
I have to have a positive balance in the account to be able to ask them to do something for me.
13:09
Even though we think as parents.
They should just do.
That they owe me.
Like I've given them so much.
I've given them everything.
They they should just do it just because it doesn't work that way, unfortunately.
Plus we have.
To we have to stop and say, how's that?
How's that mindset?
Work well, OK, Yes, actually that is a good thing because I wanted to mention this earlier.
13:28
So I'm glad you said that because one of the problems parents I see with parents is that talking about how we do the things that work.
Like we're open minded to what works too.
Some parents won't do things because they think it's not supposed to be done that way.
I'm not going to do that.
It shouldn't be that way.
13:43
And in my mind, I'm like, if I'm doing that because I think this is how it should be done and it's not working, I'm going to stop doing that.
I don't care if that's how it should be done.
I don't care if that's the quote UN quote right way.
If it doesn't get the results I want, it's not the right way.
14:01
And I'm going to change my behavior and do something that actually works.
And so that's why this, this approach I'm explaining works because, yeah, even though they owe me, I've given them birth.
I've given birth to them.
I've brought them into this world that doesn't count for them on the day-to-day when I asked to do the dishes.
14:20
I have to have a positive balance in their emotional bank account to be able to make that withdrawal.
Yes, it is worth pointing out a couple of these things because we've heard them endlessly and we believed them early on.
I'd have conversation with other parents.
Like kids should just be obedient.
14:37
When I say something, they do it like that and you think, yeah, I want obedient kids.
And that's like the most common thing.
And yet that's a absolute sandwich.
It doesn't work.
And yet it was one of the most common parenting philosophies or mindset.
14:54
My kids should be obedient.
Guess.
What?
And it does, and the reason why, yeah, the reason why it doesn't work is because often the most strictest parents have the worst relationships with their kids.
That doesn't work in my mind.
I don't care if you get the obedience.
I don't care if you get them to do what you want.
If they grow up and they don't like you, they don't respect you.
15:11
They don't want to have a relationship with you.
It didn't work.
And they're rebelling behind your back.
So yeah, we have.
We have insider information.
OK, so let me just lay this out.
The strictest parents, those of you who are like, we are going to be strict.
We're going to have lots of rules and laws, and we're going to keep the law of our family or whatever.
15:31
The strictest parents have the most rebellious children.
And especially because they're often secretly rebellious too, and that parents don't know.
Strictest parents are often the most.
Naive.
They're the ones that are most likely to not know what their kids are actually doing.
15:47
Yeah.
And we also, which was me too, I was that I was that teen, but we've, we've seen it because we also lead trips for youth and our teens are completely open with us.
They literally tell us everything, everything they listen to everything they do.
16:03
We know it all.
It doesn't mean we agree with it.
We, I don't agree with all the songs my children listen to.
But the point is they don't have to hide it from me.
They know that they can listen to it when I'm around because I'm, I'm, we have that open type of relationship and they can be themselves in front of me where on these trips and stuff, our teens will talk about how, Oh well, this family is not allowed to listen to this music, but this, this teen loves to listen to it when he's not around his parents.
16:31
It's like the a child who's who's controlled too tightly feels like they have to fight for their freedom and they go way farther than they would otherwise.
They feel almost forced.
To go.
Too far because of that kind of strict.
16:51
Right.
And I can speak to this personally because that is exactly what happened to me when I was a teen.
My my dad was very controlling out of the goodness of his heart.
And it it just is human nature.
I think that that actually backfires and has the opposite effect.
So I was making decisions.
17:08
I vividly remember this.
I made decisions not based off of what was best for me and what I actually wanted, but whether or not it would make my dad mad.
That's not the place you want your teens to be.
You don't want them to make a decision.
Oh, I was trying to make him mad.
17:25
I wanted to make him mad because it felt like a way of getting back at him for for his control.
That's and, and I knew raising my children, I did not want them to ever be in that place.
I want them to make good decisions because they want to make good decisions.
17:42
And the only way they can actually do that is if they have the freedom to make the decisions they want, which means they get to choose the kind of miss music they listen to.
And we'll talk about it and we'll say, oh, do you know what that means?
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
And then they may or may not choose to listen to it anymore.
17:57
But the point is, well, they will.
But sometimes, no.
I mean, they don't always, yeah.
But the point is that they they get to practice the skill of choosing for themselves rather than being told by me or you what they can and cannot do.
18:13
Let me just like double emphasize that when we as parents tell our children and enforce what they can and cannot do, it barely works.
Well, they don't get to practice their decision making muscles like it.
It is a muscle that you have to work out.
18:30
You have to practice.
And the fewer decisions you get to make about your life, including what music you listen to and what you wear and where you go and what you do and how you who you hang out with, all of those things.
If they don't get to practice using those muscles, then when they actually do use them, it's often in the wrong way.
18:49
And like me, they rebel against what you want and do the worst things that you don't want.
Yeah, to get.
Back to you.
Controlled them and told them they could.
Do.
Right.
So I just want to emphasize this again like control.
19:07
Doesn't work.
Doesn't work, and I know why.
You're controlling because you want your kids to make good choices, but you forcing them to make a good choice is not the same as them making a good choice.
19:24
And it often pushes them to make the wrong choices.
Exactly.
So you're you're.
Inadvertently, it's collusion.
You're inadvertently contributing them to them making the wrong choices.
So in a very real way, you are a dictator and you are a totalitarian.
19:41
And you're authoritative and authoritarian.
You're.
Authoritarian and a communist and socialist in your own home while you're spouting how evil those things are in governments and societies.
Like, oh never.
I would fight to my last breath against a dictator and like, have you looked around how you lead your house, man?
20:04
You're the dictator in your own home.
And it's causing all these problems.
So I want more than anything else.
And maybe maybe you've never even done this, maybe not gone through this.
And so I invite you to do it.
Go through this exercise.
What do you want more than anything else for your kids?
The number one thing always has been I want my kids to be absolutely superb, happy, healthy human beings.
20:26
Mentally, emotionally, physically, the.
Whole shebang.
Socially.
Financially.
Successful, truly successful and happy.
That's what I want for them next down.
I want to have an incredible relationship with them and and in that I want to.
An adult friendship, ultimately.
20:43
Yes, I want to be great friends as adults with my kids, but I also want to be their mentor.
I want to be able to, I want them to want to come to me for advice and counsel and like come seek guidance and bounce ideas off me, even to tell me hey, I made a terrible mistake.
20:59
I want them to come to me openly and, and build this beautiful relationship.
And so wanting those two or three things the most more than anything else, I got very strategic about what actually works to create those results.
21:15
Not what I heard about.
Oh, well, you know, here's another example.
Kids just have to work around the house.
Like I do all this stuff.
So they, they have to do their part and they, they're going to do it.
And there's no choice.
Like all day, every Saturday chores.
21:33
I, I hear this stuff and I look, I'm like, how's that working out for you?
Well, it's great.
Everyone just chores all day everyday Saturday we get so much done.
It's great.
Like, well, what do your kids think about it?
Are they willingly helping out?
21:49
Are they just counting the days until they get out from under your thumb?
Are they again, let me just we have to stop and say, how's that working out for you?
You have these these strict, I did these really fixed mindsets about how things are supposed to be and, and the vast majority of the time it's it's not working.
22:10
Right at all.
So.
So ultimately, if it's not working, if what you are doing is not working and it's not getting the results you want, then it's time to be open to other things.
One more I have to pull in though screen time is we just finished and we talked about this, but we just finished the anxious generation.
22:28
Specifically, he says in there that social media is causing mental illness in our teen daughters.
Specifically, it's worse for girls than boys.
And he he he used the word 'cause it's not correlation, it's causation.
22:46
Social media is causing mental illness in.
Fact, he has the data that shows from the time that essentially social media apps and selfies came out in 2010.
Since then, depression and suicide in teens specifically has just gone on gone.
23:03
Through the roof and he's saying that video games are are causing our teen boys to be less successful meaning they're less developed they.
Less engaged they're.
Less engaged.
They're just they're not succeeding.
Less risk taking, which is actually a good thing.
23:20
So right there, just boom.
It's one of those other fundamentals.
If you have teen boys or teen daughters, you're going to have one of them.
If you have teens, video games and social media.
Causing problems.
Or causing serious problems.
23:36
So if you want to avoid problems, you want your kids to be healthy and happy and fit with all these other things, even with this question, you've got to remove those other things that are they're literally causing problems for our teens.
Yes, or not introduce them in the first place.
Yep, OK.
Oh, I just want to rant about that.
23:55
Well, what do I do?
I know we need to do a specific episode.
About that, the video games out of my home, how do I get the consoles out?
I'm like take them skeet shooting, throw that console up in the air and send a 12 gauge right through it.
24:12
People think that we're kind of funny and joking about that, but often we're not.
We are willing to with fun and a good attitude and playfully do those types of things.
We are willing to make a statement to our children like we didn't never had a console to shoot, but if we did you would.
24:33
And I, I would give $100 bill to whichever my kids would hit it.
Yeah.
We'd let them.
Shoot it.
Here's $100 bill.
I'm giving you the 12 gauge.
Obviously I'm going to teach them how to use it first.
Then I'm going to throw that console up in the air.
I'm like any one of you who gets it and I'll I'll keep throwing up pieces until I'm out of money and the consoles demolish like hundred 100 bucks whatever just destroys this sucker.
24:56
Right, So you make it fun, they get a reward out of it, but they get a lesson.
Like this is how I feel about this trash, right?
It's gone my children, classic.
But you they go to church and they get a bag of candy.
Like every time I go to church, my kids get candy.
I'm like, wow, what is this?
25:12
But one time they got a huge bag of Skittles, like giant.
I immediately cut a hole in it and I poured it down the toilet because I said this is where candy goes down the toilet.
And people think that's extreme, but I'm like, no, I'm teaching you.
This is an object lesson.
25:27
I want you to know how seriously I feel about these things.
And so we are, we are serious about that.
We show them and we make it fun showing them how we feel about certain things.
So it's extreme, but it works.
By choice.
Our kids don't eat candy.
25:44
Yeah, and they don't eat garbage.
And they don't play video.
And, and when they do, because they'll occasionally choose to and they'll, then they will come to us and be like, Oh my gosh, I, I honestly feel sick after eating that.
And we're like, yeah, well, that's good.
Good that you're learning that.
26:01
The most powerful influence you have on your children's life is earning their respect.
If your children respect you, they will listen, they will obey, they will follow, they will love you if they respect you.
26:17
But if your life and your way of being isn't respectable.
And if that and if that respect, it would be.
Hard for them to respect you.
And if that respect is not earned because.
That's what I.
Mean, going back to the idea of well, we think they should just respect us just because we're their parents.
26:35
Bogus.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way either.
And it shouldn't.
Happen.
It shouldn't.
Work that way, you should not.
Nobody like just gets respect.
Just because.
And you're like, well, I'm the parent, so why wiped your butt?
I don't care what pay for it.
26:51
And So what?
None of that earns respect.
Respect is earned.
It is only earned.
And if you as a parent are not earning respect, you're going to have the hardest time ever getting your kids to respect you and to engage in all these things.
27:06
So respect is earned.
Be the caliber and kind of person that easily earns and gets respect and everything changes.
It's amazing.
OK, good.
Yeah, that.
Was a lot that was.
27:21
Fantastic, excellent, excellent and I, I just want to re emphasize the teen years can be some of the sweetest and best years of family life.
I've loved every stage, sincerely have loved every stage and I love this teen stage.
27:44
There's so much we get to do and we're just playing at A and working at a much higher level.
I mean, I work hard with kids and man, I love working hard with them and they love it.
We play hard and man, I love playing hard with my kids and they love it.
28:00
It is such a cool part of life.
And you can have it too, listeners, because it's just strategy.
This is formula, it's just skills and and as we work on those things, we can get those same results and outcomes.
So don't give up hope of that.
28:17
Don't ever lose the vision of of having your teen years be that way in spite of everything else you see around you, which is is not stellar.
It's mediocre at best, but you can hold up a higher vision and make it a reality.
28:34
OK, love you guys.
Reach upward.