#311 How to Get Your Kids to Stop Fighting and End Sibling Rivalry

Greg Denning (00:00)
parents are the catalysts for contention.

it's because you don't have influence.

You have to remember that you're not alone.

we're the parents, we need to be responsible, we need to teach and train and help them.

Your kids start to change, the whole family dynamic changes as you change.

parenting is based on a relationship with your child.

it's totally doable, it's good news, you can figure it out

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast where your host, Greg and Rachel Denning recently returned from a magical couples retreat to Scotland.

We had an awesome time, stayed in one of the most beautiful places I've ever stayed in. Old manor on the water, the grounds were spectacular. Went and saw palaces and castles and had workshops that were transformational for couples.

It was awesome.

We're saved and No, it's like it's all about making marriage better and if we're not working on our marriage and we're working on our divorce It's so powerful. So wonderful. But today we're talking about parenting not saving families and Because we are a little bit sick and because we're out of time

We're going to do an experiment today of a bite sized podcast

So it's gonna be a little shorter and we'll see how that goes since both you and I like to talk but.

It'll probably have to be a series. Right, that's what we'll end up doing, right? Making it series. And what happened

if you've heard recent podcast episodes, we are launching, well relaunching a parenting course, the Extraordinary Parent Mentoring Method and.

As we work on creating that course, which we're kind of in the process of doing, I reached out to people, I asked for some questions, for some clarification on what it is exactly that parents want to know about, what are the specific challenges they're facing, what are the specific problems they would like addressed, and so I've received a bunch of responses and thank you so much for those, I appreciate them.

What's fascinating to me is the patterns.

Yeah.

There's a lot of patterns. And so we decided, especially in this bite-sized episode we're going to do, to start addressing some of those questions. Because that's also going to help you and I prepare to make the videos for this course. So it's killing two birds with one stone here.

Well, and what we love is that.

There's commonalities, there's common denominators, there's the patterns. so I guess

I want everybody listening is like, you're not alone. You have to remember that you're not alone.

Sometimes we get isolated, feeling isolated, and we think, I'm the only one dealing with this. It's my, maybe it's me, maybe it's my spouse, maybe it's my kids. I just got these unique kids. Like, we seem to be the only ones.

dealing with this because when I go and I look at the neighbors or I look at our friends or

the people in our community or at the park or at church, they have it all together and we're the only ones that have a dumpster fire at home. And

that's because everybody's trying to keep it all together out in public. And then they're all writing us emails saying, well, I'm a struggling with this. And then the pattern's the same and it's very common. And some of it is societal. Some of it has to do with what's going on in a society that's affecting all the families.

And so the struggles are quite common. And I want to

shout from the rooftops here that

there is a solution.

Yes, that's what I was going to say, actually. I think the good news is, well, there's two pieces of good news. One, you're not alone. You're not the only one. And two, there are solutions. Now, we often feel like the solutions are out of reach. And in fact, this was addressed ⁓ during the couples retreat that we just did.

The couples said to us, sometimes I just feel like things are never gonna change, that we're good people, we're trying hard, and it's just not working.

And parents can feel like that as well, right? We can feel like that in our marriage, we can also feel like that with our parenting of like, I'm trying, I'm trying to do all the right things, I'm a good person, I have good desires.

And one of the things that we reminded the couples of on this trip is that,

And we've talked about this so many times, but just because you're a good person doesn't mean you're going to be a good tennis player, right? And we love to use that analogy. But what we mean by that is that tennis requires a certain level of skill. Like it requires you to learn the skills of tennis.

It doesn't matter how good or bad of a person you are, you still have to learn tennis skills. Even if you're a good athlete. Exactly. You your skills in golfing won't...

go straight across to tennis. You have to have very specific skills.

And that's true also in parenting where you can be a good person and you can have some good basic skills in parenting, but there's even levels of that. And then it also changes with each child and each situation. Like there's so many variables and this is one of the things that can seem to make parenting complex and marriage complex is that

There is a lot to it. And so sometimes I think people feel overwhelmed by that or they feel like things are hopeless. But I guess we're here to just tell you and give you hope of like, it is possible. You need to make the learning of the skills of parenting a part of your life.

priority in your you want to get good at it. But that's no different than if you really wanted to be good at the piano that you would.

take lessons every week, right? And you would practice every week. It's the same principle, but for some reason we don't apply it to parenting or marriage.

And so that's what we wanna emphasize is that practice parenting, take parenting lessons, right? Like do those things and it will get better. You'll learn all the little techniques and tricks and.

and things and when to apply this and when to do that.

Which is literally why we're building our course.

Exactly, why we're building the course, why we're doing the podcast episodes. It's so we can give you all the little pieces and day by day, week by week, we can help you with these lessons and help you practice so you can get better at it. That's the underlying principle is that you just have to take that simple approach that we would all use if we wanted to get good at the piano or at a sport.

But in total honesty,

Working with little humans is complex.

There's... Including teens? Teens are little humans? There's no short answer. People want a short answer. Yeah.

They'll say something like, my kids won't listen to me. What technique do you have so I get them to listen? Yeah. And while we would love just like, oh yeah, we'll do this and this and your kids will listen. Yeah.

That doesn't exist because it's so complex because you have to understand yourself You have to understand each of them and you have to figure out this formula to get them to listen now It's totally figure out able We've done it. We've helped other people do it. You can do it, too But it's complex.

It's not it's not overly difficult or impossible, but it is complex so if you think you can get one little technique and that'll change things that you

That's just naive. It's silly. And a lot of people want that. It's the whole idea of like, give me a pill that I can swallow and I can lose weight and get in shape. You're like, no, there's no pill that does that. It doesn't exist. Even though people are still selling pills that they claim to do that.

There's no quick fix to parenting. And you're in it for the long haul. Like, when are you going to stop being a parent? And okay, if you were good from zero to three, well, now you have from three to the rest of your life. So... ⁓

We have no other choice but to figure this out.

So that's why we're creating a course because there's a lot to it. And we have to figure out the full formula, not just one number. And so as we dive into this, we're gonna give the whole thing. But I just wanna say this, it's totally doable, it's good news, you can figure it out

but there's a lot to it.

And I think ultimately the reason why is because it's relational.

Like parenting is based on a relationship with your child.

And the entire history of the relationship with your child from the moment they were conceived practically plays into the quality of the relationship with your child. So the easy answer to, how do I get my kids to listen to me? Or actually today we're gonna address how do get my kids to stop fighting? The real answer is, well, the better your relationship with them, the much easier.

you're going to be able to do that.

That's the easy answer. But of course, that's also very complex because your relationship spans their entire lifetime and the quality of your relationship is determined by every single thing you've said or done their entire life. Well, and it goes even bigger than that. It's determined by who you are and your own issues. epigenetics and all kinds of things as well. of parents struggle.

to have a good relationship with their kids because of their own personal issues from their past. They struggle to have a relationship with themselves. or their spouse. And so they're off with their spouse. they're like, what does this have to do with my kids? Everything, absolutely everything. If you have an unhealthy relationship with yourself or your spouse, it's going to be very hard for you to have a good health relationship with your kids. there is a simple answer, but the complexities behind it require you to do a lot of work to become

become the kind of person who can create those kind of results. Exactly, right. And so

it's like Stephen R. Covey used to say, it's the simplicity on the far side of complexity. Like, you can get to that simplicity and when you get there, it is. It's so easy for us to get our kids to listen because we've gone through the complexity of developing really solid, strong relationships with them. But...

you have to move through that complexity to get to that other side where you're like, yeah, I asked my kids to do something and they do it

because I have a good relationship with them. So I guess basically if we could put it in its simplest form,

influence is earned. Results are earned. Outcomes are earned.

Because sometimes I think when you say the word influence, it's even like that might be missed by parents.

When parents say to me, how do I get my kids to listen? Well, for you and I, what that means to us is you don't have influence in their life. If you can't talk and they listen or respect you, it's because you don't have influence.

So when you say, influence is earned, that's exactly what you're saying. So the answer to how to get your kids to listen is, well, you earn it.

What in the world? Like I gave birth to them. I've earned it already. I changed diapers, late nights. I've sacrificed my whole life for them. I've earned it. But they don't know that. It's not on their scoreboard. Yeah. And so as unfair as it is, that's life.

husbands and wives keep different scoreboards. So if I'm winning on my scoreboard but I have no points on Rachel's scoreboard, I'm losing. No, that's not fair.

checking all the boxes over here, like on my scoreboard, I'm crushing it. Like I'm the man of the year. And I have no points on her scoreboard.

And it's not fair. that's true with your kids too. Exactly. In affairs where pigs win ribbons. Right. Just throw the whole idea of fairness out and throw this idea of like, I did all this for years for you. You should respect me. Nope, throw that out because it doesn't count. You have to operate on their scoreboard and like what counts. And so if you get this right,

I really want to emphasize this.

when we get this right and Rachel and I have earned this. So we can go to our kids, we have seven children, we can go to them, ask nicely and they say yes, of course and they do it. That's it. No yelling, no threatening, no, we've never done like grounding, never done grounding or timeouts or any of these like.

arbitrary silly punishments that never actually work and build resentment and ruin the relationship and don't get the results you want. None of that works.

It's earning the ability, no it's not even ability, it's just earning. Earning the influence through a strong, deep, connected relationship. When your kids love you and respect you and you say, will you do that? Absolutely. Or you say, man that's just, that's not cool.

That's not a good way live, like, sorry, I'm so sorry, I won't do it anymore. And they don't. That's the extent of asking your kids to do something or asking them not to do something. When you have the phenomenal relationship, that's it. It's amazing. I know that sounds crazy. Even for me to say it out loud, some of you are like, no way, it doesn't exist. You guys are full of crap. You probably believe in unicorns and rainbows and leprechauns and pots of gold.

This stuff is real and we're living it. And I remember when we were very first married, I read somebody talking about it like that, and

I remember thinking, I want that. If that's possible, I want it. And it was a story in the, I mean, long ago, early 1800s, of this dad, would just gently say, kids, I'd really like you to do this. And they would do it, that was enough. They would do it because they loved and respected him so much. I'm like, I want that.

Yeah, and it was not manipulation either or guilt. None of it. No, it was just they absolutely loved and adored and respected him. And so they just wanted to do And they also, because within that framework is knowing that he would never ask them to do something that was counter to their own well-being or their own free will or... Well, what they trusted was who he is in this case, who he was. But for you and for me, they have to trust who we are.

And they know who we are because they live with us. They see through it. So the facade or the mask we put on for the public, whatever, they see behind that. They know who you are. And you're not fooling them. Parents think they're putting on some little show and their kids aren't aware of all the crap going on behind the scenes. And kids are like, yeah, we knew the whole time. So that's the key. It's who you're becoming. Yeah. And so to...

get to the actual topic that we're talking about today. Oh, we're already in it, babe. We're already in it. We are.

And so I want people to understand that. Like, we don't do these ramblings just to ramble. Like, there's a foundational basis to the reason why we do it. But to get to the topic about how do get my kids to stop fighting or how do I reduce or eliminate sibling rivalry.

And this is one of the things that I think most parents find the most painful to accept. But when there's sibling rivalry and when there's fighting in the home, it starts with you.

You are the cause. You are the contributor. You are the catalyst to that fighting.

And the reason why is something we like to call ⁓ imitation without regulation.

And that's because our children directly imitate us. They see, and they've been watching and listening since, literally since they were in the womb. And whatever we do, they imitate it. But because they have underdeveloped prefrontal cortexes, the prefrontal cortex, which is the thinking, rationalizing,

just control part of the brain is not fully developed until the age of 25. Because of that, they imitate us, but they do it without self-regulation.

So it's exaggerated. It's basically exaggerated imitation. So whatever you're doing on what you think is a small scale, like, okay, I'm getting upset, but it's under control, or I'm doing this, but it's under restraint. They're well, I'm getting upset about this. Something that matters. It's a big deal to me. Yeah.

They don't know that. They don't make that connection. They just see it. Right. And they take it and they kind of twist it and use it in something that's important to them, like their siblings sitting in their airspace. And that's not OK. Yeah.

And so they're simply imitating, but they're exaggerating what they're seeing. And they have less self-regulation than you do. So if there's sibling rivalry, if there's fighting going on, ⁓

The cause is that is what is happening in your family. It's the way you and your spouse are treating each other. It's the way you and your spouse are treating the children in the family. And they're simply imitating that, but in an exaggerated form.

So if you get after your kids, they get after their siblings.

If you get upset over the taxes, over the weather. I want that to sink in for one second though. Because you're going to go through all the things we might get upset about, which we feel are justified, right? We feel like we have a good reason for. But that alone right there, if you get after your kids, they're going to get after their siblings. And of course, you might be thinking, well what, I'm just supposed to let whatever fly? Like I'm not going to...

correct or discipline my children because I don't want them to get after their own siblings so I'm not gonna get after them. And no, that's not what I'm saying because children, we're the parents, we need to be responsible, we need to teach and train and help them.

But the way we do it is then going to be the way they interact with their siblings.

I remember thinking as a young dad, seeing my

my kids do this and thinking, yeah, but I'm the dad.

So I get after my kids.

because it's my job. So I get to get after you, but you don't get to get after each other. Which is the same as saying, what I do, but do what I say, not what I do. I do. it's delusional. And I still know people to think that way. And then I get it, because I used to think like that. Well, no, I have to get after them. It's my job. It's my duty. I'm going to get after them. I'm going to get upset. I'm going to correct them. But they're not allowed to do it to each other.

That's just craziness. It literally is delusional. If you think, well, no, in this house, I get to be the one that gets upset and angry, the rest of you don't. You're going to live in your crazy house for a long time. You're going to get the results you get, and you're going to wonder why. But that's why, because the way that we get after our children or the way we teach, train, interact with...

⁓ mentor, guide our children, that's how our children learn how to interact with other people. So if we do a good job at it, they're gonna learn good ways to interact with their siblings and then good ways to interact with their own children when they have them and to interact with their spouse. If we do a poor job at it, they're going to learn how to poorly interact with their siblings and how to poorly parent, right?

So it's directly connected and for us to think that do what I do, do what I say, not what I do, is going to apply here, it's not. If our children are not interacting with each other the way we would like them to, it's because we are not interacting with them the way we should be interacting with them. Boom, right there. And the reason I wanted to...

emphasize the other reasons we get upset because some parents say, my interactions with my kids are always calm and controlled. And they might see that, but then notice how angry you get upset at other drivers or that crazy neighbor or IRS or you name it, like, or you're watching sports and you go ballistic. They're picking up on that as well. And so they'll say, well,

If I ever feel like that, mom gets so upset about the neighbor or about her mother-in-law and dad gets so upset the referee referees at the game. So then they think, well, when I feel like that, that's how I'm supposed to respond. Exactly. So they're like, they've trained me. So my parents have taught me how to behave. So when I get upset with my siblings, I know exactly what to do. Because I'm feeling especially, yeah, especially in a case where they they see

If that's when they see you acting out those emotions, if that's how you act out anger or frustration or irritation, even if it's not happening to them, let's say in a scenario where you control your behavior to your children, ⁓ if they see you, this is how I act out frustration, this is how I act out anger, this is how I act out, like that's what they're watching. They're watching you do that and they think, well this is how I do it.

So when I have frustration, which happens to be with my sibling, this is what it looks like. This is how I act out frustration in the world on my siblings. So this is how I act out anger

as painful and uncomfortable as this is. This is the truth. And your behavior has literally trained and condition your children how to behave when they get upset. So what they're doing to each other is

imitation without regulation. They're imitating what you've trained them to do. So I got to I was looking at my notes here from a coaching session yesterday because this came up. And I wrote that for a majority of families, and is is most often the case, it's the father but the mother's mother's involved to the father's anger and temper are the driving force of family animosity.

So much of the contention that is happening in your home is because of the way you get angry or the parents get angry. Yeah, it's how you are handling or dealing with your own feelings of anger and frustration.

Because with this analogy we're giving or this framework we're giving of imitation without regulation, again,

That's what they're seeing. They see you act out anger in the world, and then that's how they act out anger in the family.

That's a hard pill to swallow. is a hard pill to swallow. What we're saying essentially is

parents are the catalysts for contention.

Yes. So as we Which is good news. Hold on, let me put a positive spin on. That's really, really good news because you think, I'm the problem here. Yes, that's fantastic, which means you're the solution. Yes.

So you change yourself and you're like, hey, I'm a better person now, benefit A. And then guess what happens? Your kids start to change, benefit B. And like the whole family dynamic changes as you change.

Well, and that's what I was actually starting to say there is as we're answering this question of how do I get my kids to stop fighting, now obviously everyone wants the secret magic pill. They want the magic words they can use that stops the kids fighting.

But the real answer is... the words of Sandriona, our eight-year-old. control of yourself. That's the secret sauce. Right. You want your kids to stop fighting? You get control of yourself. Yes. That's a famous line in our family because our youngest child said that to her older sister one day when she was upset. She was like, get control of yourself. And she was only like five or six. Yeah. It was so funny. It was so great.

And it's so true.

so the real answer, despite how challenging it seems, is you have to get control of yourself. You have to learn how to manage your anger, how to process your negative emotions, how to deal with frustration. Because if you can't learn how to do that, how do you expect your child who is younger than you to know how to do it?

Children cannot self-regulate. That is one of the biggest fallacies of our day. And it starts with the whole idea of sleep training your babies.

Babies do not know how to self-soothe. They cannot because they literally are missing that part of their brain. Well, even as a six-year-old, I read that the brain's only about 25 % developed. Yes. And you're sitting there saying, well, they should know how to control themselves and behave and they should know how to deal with their anger when they're six.

Give me a You're an adult and you're not doing that. So how can you expect them to do something that you do not know how to do yourself? That's really the answer. So if you want to know how to help your child deal with frustrating situations and deal with anger, you have to learn how to do it first. And then,

and this is the secret that too many parents don't realize, and that's why they come to us asking those questions. You and I know how to help our children.

because we know how to help ourselves. We know how to regulate our own emotions, our own anger, our own frustration, our own irritation. And so because we have walked the path, it's easy to tell someone else how to walk the path because you've walked it, you've been there. But until you have learned that yourself, you can't tell someone else how to walk it. Right?

You can't give what you don't have and results don't lie. Yeah. And so if you're telling your kids not to fight and then you...

get upset or angry about other things, they see the hypocrisy. Yeah. Like, yeah, you're full of crap. Well, and they can't believe you. Right. Even if what you're teaching them is hypothetically completely true, they still don't believe you because they don't see it acted out in the world. So you literally have to be the change you want to see in your family. Exactly. Right. So that actually...

maybe is perfect ending here for our short, sweet, bite-sized podcast episode. And... Have a nice life. Have nice life. Have a good day. it's like, you're the problem, which is hard to hear. It's an unpopular, uncomfortable truth, but you're the solution, which is the great news. It's the good news. And it's something you need to figure out anyways.

Because if you're going through your life getting upset at small things, you're going to be upset all the time. And that's going to be a miserable existence. And one day you'll realize, man, only small people get bothered by small things. And I'm being small. It's time to level up. It's time to grow up. And once you do that, and not even, you don't even have to be perfect at it. You don't even have to have arrived. As you begin to do that, you start to learn how it works. And as you learn how it works, you then...

know how to help your kids. You then know what to say to them. You then know how to empathize with them or help them regulate themselves because you're like, wow, I'm actually learning this right now. And so I can help you because I know what it's like. And what's even more astounding is they just start to do it by watching. Yeah. And by feeling different. It changes the feeling in the home. And I can promise you this because we've seen it so many times and we've experienced ourselves. When you change, the feeling changes.

and a lot of the problems you're dealing with right now will go away on their own. You literally will not have to touch them, address them, deal with them, nothing. They will just go away because you are showing up as a new and improved version of yourself. It's so powerful. So hopefully this is teaser ⁓ and you realize that, okay, there's a lot to this and we're gonna dive into it piece by piece, bit by bit in the course because there's so much to it.

And I know some of you right now are like, okay, great. I accept it, accept ownership. Tell me how to do it. And there's a lot of complexity to that. But the good news is you totally can do it. If I can do it, you can do it. And I did it. I completely overcame anger, my crazy redheaded temper. And it's a non-issue in my life. And so therefore a non-issue in our family. That's the good news. Okay, love you guys.

Go love on your kids, love on yourself. Start working on yourself harder than you do on anything else. Reach upward.