May 21, 2025

#313 How We Raised 7 Well-Adjusted Kids Without Yelling, Tantrums, Punishments or Power Struggles

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Do your kids struggle with tantrums, power struggles, or emotional meltdowns—and you’re not sure how to stop the cycle without yelling or harsh discipline ?

After posting on Instagram about how we raised our 7 kids without yelling, punishments, or power struggles , we received so much interest and questions from parents wanting to know— is it really possible ?

Yes, it is —and in this episode, we share exactly how we did it.

Raising emotionally healthy, well-adjusted kids starts with creating a strong foundation of love, trust, and connection . In this conversation, we unpack the specific things we never do as parents, and why avoiding them has helped our children become confident, competent, and emotionally resilient.

From mockery and sarcasm to yelling, punishments, and ignoring big feelings— these parenting pitfalls actually increase misbehavior, power struggles, and emotional shutdown .

We also share personal stories—including a controversial ocean swim encounter—that demonstrate how pushing limits (safely and intentionally) builds competence, confidence, and calm under pressure—for kids and adults.

Whether you're parenting toddlers or teens, these insights will help you shift your mindset and methods to raise kids who thrive without tantrums, yelling, or power struggles.

Key Takeaways:

✅ Strong attachment = strong self-worth

✅ Small emotional habits shape your child's future

✅ Sarcasm erodes trust—kindness builds connection

✅ Harshness leads to fragility and misbehavior

✅ Family culture and personal growth go hand in hand

✅ Confidence comes from challenge, not comfort

Chapters:

00:00 Raising Well-Adjusted Kids on the Move

10:39 Understanding Tantrums and Yelling

15:45 Prioritizing Connection Over Correction

27:41 Investing Time for Long-Term Benefits

29:25 The Importance of Connection Over Correction

31:15 Understanding the Desire for Connection

33:03 The Impact of Parental Engagement

35:27 Recognizing Attachment Issues

37:10 Daily Intentional Connection

39:04 Behavior as a Symptom, Not the Problem

41:24 Going to the Root Cause of Behavior

43:41 The Investment in Parenting Knowledge

47:37 Clarifying Expectations in Parenting

50:27 Engaging in Clear Communication

53:40 Encouraging Dialogue for Clarity

01:00:08 Natural Consequences and Child Empowerment

01:06:14 Establishing Family Systems for Smooth Parenting

01:12:53 Emotional Co-Regulation in Parenting

01:21:33 Building Resilience Through Connection and Challenge

Memorable Quotes:

🗣 “We never participate in sarcasm or tearing each other down.”

🗣 “Do your children feel good in your home—or do they feel fear?”

🗣 “Harshness creates distance and fragility, which causes misbehavior.”

🗣 “If you want different results, you’ve got to change how you parent.”

🗣 “Push yourself and your kids—growth replaces fear with competence.”

🗣 “The key to raising kids without tantrums is becoming emotionally safe yourself.”

RESOURCES:

Let us help you in your extraordinary family life journey.

How We Raised 7 Well-Adjusted Kids - Without Yelling, Tantrums, Punishments or Power Struggles
Rachel’s ⁠⁠ Must-Read Booklist for Well-Read Moms⁠⁠
Greg's ⁠⁠Recommended Reading List for Parents & Youth⁠⁠
Follow us on Instagram: ⁠@worldschoolfamily⁠ or ⁠@greg.denning⁠
Get Rachel's ⁠⁠ Family Systems & Charts ⁠⁠
Join the ⁠⁠ 28-Day Challenge ⁠⁠ for Moms
Join the Do More With Less Stress Workshop Series for busy moms
Become a Founding Member of our Extraordinary Parent Mentoring Method
Join Greg’s 7-Day Challenge
JOIN GREG'S 90-DAY HEALTH & FITNESS CHALLENGE !
Join the Formidable Family Man Masterclass and Tribe
Gather with us at the ⁠World School Family (Beach & Farm) Resort⁠ in Portugal
Read our reviews here: https://podcast.extraordinaryfamilylife.com/reviews/

0:00

Nobody can make you feel anything, it is always a choice.

My parenting was on display.

If somebody used respect, was there watching?

What would you do differently?

If your child is watching.

Connection reduces the need for correction.

Sometimes good parenting means allowing your children to do things that other people would judge.

0:18

Parenting is your most important role.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast where your host Greg and Rachel Denning, as always here to give you tools and strategies to help you create your own unique extraordinary family life.

0:35

And today's topic, sorry, jump in here.

We are going to be discussing something that I've been posting on Instagram that's been very popular, essentially how to how we have raised seven well adjusted kids without yelling in tantrums.

0:53

And of course, people are very interested in that concept, especially when I mentioned that we've done it while traveling.

We're living in 60 plus countries on five continents, which inevitably, as you can imagine, and this is for real, brings in a lot of chaos, a lot of difficult situations, a lot of.

1:12

Unexpected troubles.

Exactly.

And there's you're up late, you have to get up early, you're in all kinds of different places, You're sleeping in different places.

Like there are so many scenario scenarios where tantrums and yelling could be taking place.

And yet we have managed to raise our children for the most part without yelling our tantrums.

1:33

Now we were going to, of course, I always have to say hasn't been 100% tantrum or yelling free, but I would say most of what occurred happened early on when our children were small.

We had four children under the age of four when we started traveling for the first time.

1:51

And yeah, there was some yelling and tantrums, but as we well, I'll just get into this right now that that was actually be it actually became a catalyst for me, became a motivator for me to figure out how to parent.

Well, because I realized, especially as we started this travel lifestyle, that my parenting was on display.

2:12

Like I, I had started as a stay at home mom and I stayed home with the kids while you went to work.

And I'm going to be honest, like I allowed myself to yell to get upset to parent in ways that I would be embarrassed to have people see me parenting that way.

2:31

Like I would be embarrassed by the way I behaved because no one else was around.

I was alone with my children.

And when I started traveling, that changed everything because I realized, Oh my gosh, I'm no longer alone.

My my husband is seeing me parent.

2:48

Strangers are seeing me parent.

They're watching me at the airport or waiting for a bus or like at the store or at a restaurant.

Like all these scenarios were now cropping up where my parenting was on display and because I'm a self-conscious person, I guess that bothered me.

3:08

I think it bothers everyone, I think, I think it's a normal thing and it's actually a really good tool for all parents.

So maybe you are at home and you aren't out travelling, but ask yourself, if somebody I respected were here watching, how would I handle this differently?

It puts us in check.

It does.

And it forces you to say to check this, this story.

3:24

We tell ourselves the lie of like, well, this is the only way to handle this.

My kids won't listen unless I scream or unless I go spank them.

Then they'll they'll obey.

But if somebody use respect as they're watching, what would you do differently?

They first thought it would be like, well, there's nothing I can do.

And that's that's a lie.

Just sit with him.

3:40

Like wait, there's got to be other skills strategies that work.

Yeah.

Well, and I think it's good that you mention that because it is a strategy I began to use.

Not only did I realize my parenting was on display when we started traveling and, and most importantly, I wanted to be authentically good at it.

4:00

I didn't want to put on some front of like, oh, look, I'm such a good mom.

Look how good things are.

I didn't want it to be that.

I wanted it to be real.

Like I wanted to have real skills that worked, that produced positive outcomes.

Not that I was worried about what other people were thinking, because sometimes good parenting means allowing your children to do things that other people would judge is bad, right?

4:21

And that's fine.

That might be embarrassing.

Yeah, because I'm more concerned about the well-being of my child than I am about the opinion of a stranger, right?

So I wanted it to be real, but I did also begin to use that.

This is kind of a bonus strategy because we're going to go through 6 specific things that have helped us to do this.

4:40

But this bonus strategy is I started to think of it that way.

And in some ways it started by just thinking like, well, what if Greg were here?

If he was here right now, how would I do things different?

I would control myself more.

I would be calmer if my mother was here, if the neighbor was here, if whatever, if someone else was here, how would I handle this differently?

5:00

And for most of us, we know we would not lose our shiz if someone else was watching.

And especially, like you said, an adult we respected, we wouldn't.

And yet we're willing to do it in front of our own, in front of our kids, because we somehow feel we are a victim of their behavior.

5:17

And that's just not fair to the children.

And it's not, it's not what's best for them either.

And so that is, you know, I hear a little bonus strategy of what I did of like imagining, well, how would I handle this differently if someone was watching me?

I love, I love shifting that context.

5:33

Who are the most important people in our lives?

Sincerely, truly.

And for me, it's you and then our children.

So those are the 8 most important people in my life.

Why on earth would I allow my worst behaviors to come out to the most important people?

5:51

It's, it's shameful.

And yet if some stranger rings the doorbell, oh, but on your best behavior, are you kidding me?

We've, we've got it all backwards.

And so our best behavior should be at home.

6:06

We should be quote UN quote putting on our best behavior for our family.

But more importantly, because again, I don't want it to be fake.

I don't want it to be a mask.

We should be coming that best behavior.

It's not a performance, it's not a facade.

It's it's who you're becoming.

6:23

It's like these, these people matter so much to me.

I'm going to change.

I'm not going to allow this of myself.

I'm going to become a better person.

Well, I just had another interesting insight that just flashed into my mind right now.

Like imagine your child as an adult standing there watching you parent them as a young child.

6:42

Like how would you feel?

Because like we're saying like, imagine someone's watching you.

Well, your child is watching you.

And sometimes we think like, Oh well, doesn't count.

And plus they're the ones that made me so mad.

But if that, if they were standing there as an adult watching you, how would you feel about that?

7:02

And what kind of relationship would you have with them if when they see you treating them that way?

That's a check right there.

I love that.

That's beautiful.

Yeah, there's a there's a framework here that's super important.

We've talked about it other times with controlling your anger and your own temper.

7:18

It it's this fact that nobody can make you feel anything.

Other people cannot make you angry.

You cannot make you sad.

It is always a choice, and that's particularly true in our homes and our families.

Our children cannot make us angry.

7:37

We choose to get angry.

So we have to remind ourselves that other people's behaviors, even our children, are independent from our feelings.

Not that we're numb.

Not that we don't feel anything.

Not that we don't care.

7:53

Not that there's not a connection there.

Right.

There is a connection.

It is important and it's it's it's super important.

You do care and you love them and you want the best for them.

Well, and I I'm talking about there is a connection between other people's behaviors and how we feel like there is a connection, but.

The point is, we're not a victim.

8:08

Yeah.

And I think.

Oh, they did that, so I have to be mad.

I have no other option but to be mad.

That's not true.

And I think that early on, that became a very important underlying framework in our parenting because we were studying things like, like the work of Wayne Dyer and other people, Deepak Chopra.

8:28

And they talked a lot about that, how you are in control of yourself and your emotions and the interpretation you give things.

And so we we realized that we weren't victims to our children's behavior and that we were in control of how we responded.

8:45

And if we felt certain emotions, and this is so true and so powerful that too many parents don't realize you feel certain emotions about what your children do because you likely have unhealed wounds or trauma, Big T or little T that is being triggered by your children's behavior.

9:06

So when your child does something, it's more a reflection of your own history than it is of them.

And once you realize that and you start to use that and say, oh, wow, I feel angry because my child did this.

And when I dig a little deeper, it's I realize it's because whatever I behaved like that as a child and my father beat me or this happened or that happened, then we understand why we have such strong emotions about their behavior.

9:34

And we can go to the root of the cause, which is healing our own wounds rather than taking it out of our on our children.

You know, very often we're angry or yelling at our own past or ourselves.

We're our own disappointments, our own frustrations.

It very often we find that my disappointment in myself, my frustrations and irritations with myself.

9:55

Or my own pain because of my past things that maybe even buried.

Right.

It's bleeding out all over, but the kids or or the your spouse gets the bulk of it when it's it's really, that was just something that set it off.

That was just the catalyst, not the main cause.

10:12

So as we, we're going to go through six different things that have helped us be able to parent without tantrums, without yelling, and we literally have been able to prevent tantrums from occurring.

Like in our younger children.

10:28

I would say probably at least our first three, maybe 4, we had tantrums.

But after that, you know, we have seven children.

If you don't know, I don't.

I can't even think of a tantrum with our last three children.

10:44

No, it well and it stopped.

It stopped with the 4th 1 for sure.

Like she was very little and we were, we were learning how to handle all this.

Because we learned how to prevent tantrums from happening, as we'll get into Because we realized that tantrums were a symptom of problems, not the problem itself.

11:03

And and we shift our focus from correcting things that were going wrong to proactively and preemptively leaning into how can we make things go well.

Right.

And which you're actually touching on one of the first ones, But but the framework essentially is, and there's actually a pyramid that comes from the anatomy of peace.

11:26

Is that the book that comes from where if you look at a pyramid and the tippy top of the pyramid is the, you know, the little cap on the pyramid.

And that is where most parents spend the majority of their time.

And that's fixing what's gone wrong.

It's trying to fix the behavior.

11:43

It's trying to punish the tantrum.

It's trying to give time outs or spankings or like all the disciplining.

I can't even think of them because I haven't used them for so long.

All the disciplining techniques, that's the top of the pyramid and you're trying to fix bad behavior.

12:00

The rest of the bottom of the pyramid or you could think of this is like an iceberg, right?

The top of the iceberg is fixing what's gone wrong.

Everything underneath it under the surface is helping things go right.

And that is where we learn to spend the majority of our time as parents so that we didn't have to yell, so that tantrums were no longer a problem, so that teenage rebellion didn't occur.

12:23

So that you know, all of the bad behaviors that most parents are dealing with became a non issue because we were focusing on the bottom half of the pyramid or the not not half beneath the surface.

Let me say it a different way.

So we have this image in our head, these numbers, 80% at a minimum, I'm thinking even up to 95% or 98%.

12:46

Basically, the vast majority of all you do should be proactive and preventative.

And we're leaning into helping things work well in our families.

That in and of itself prevents the vast majority of problems that parents experience with their.

13:03

Children, in fact, most of the parent, most of the challenges that parents are dealing with, whether it's fighting siblings, sibling rivalry, emotional meltdowns, tantrums, all the things like we don't deal with.

I would say 90% of those problems, they're a non issue, non existent.

13:23

We don't have talking back, we don't have rebellion, we don't have disobedience.

We don't have.

None of the eye rolling, the attitude, the the defiance, none of that.

In fact we have children that literally love spending time with us.

13:39

Our 8 year old is in love with us.

Literally our, even our, our teenagers who are 1819, 20 or 20 year old or 22 year old, like they call us for advice.

They love spending time with us.

They love being with us.

And just so we're not misunderstood, this doesn't mean helicopter parenting.

13:57

This doesn't mean like dependent baby children who still need their mom and dad.

It doesn't mean they don't have friends or don't want to go out and have adventures on their own and they aren't launching as a successful adults as none of that.

Right.

It, it's everything you could imagine in the best way possible, like the ideal of the good and, and the, the strong, the positive things.

14:23

Like that's what we have.

And it's difficult to explain that to people, but we have confirmation because we welcome people to come stay with us here at the World School Family Resort.

We have families here all the time.

And, and, and again, I'm giving this for contacts for validation, not because we're trying to praise ourselves here, but we want, we want to know, we want you to know that there's proof here.

14:46

We're not just blowing our own horn.

They come and they tell us like, wow, yeah, your teens are amazing.

They help out, they're respectful, they're kind, they hug you.

They want to do things with you, they help out they and your teens too, and, and your younger children, they're all like well adjusted, right?

15:06

So like we say, seven well adjusted kids, this is how we've done it.

And that's what we want to walk through.

But we want you to know that there's proof there.

And it's not just our own viewpoint because we think our kids are the best, right?

It's not that.

So let's dive in.

OK.

So #1 and and I'm going to say here, I wouldn't, I don't know that the order we're going to give these in are prioritized in any specific way.

15:31

It's just like these are the things we used.

And in some ways it's like layers.

It's like building a pyramid.

It's kind of like you have to, you put them down and then you put on top, top.

So it's like you're building on top of it each other.

So don't think that they're in a specific order for any specific reason.

15:48

They're not per SE, but one of the things we have done to be able to raise children without tantrums or yelling is that we always, and I say always intentionally prioritize connection over correction.

What does that mean?

What does that look like?

I don't know.

No, I was just kidding.

16:05

I was.

Going to keep talking, but I was like, I'm going to give you a chance to talk.

What I want to say right out the gates, because people hear that and they're like, no, but I have to correct my kids.

We hear that a lot.

It's like, I've got to correct them.

I've got to tell them when they're wrong.

So we don't want to be misunderstood.

16:21

It's like, yes, of of course the, the teaching and the correcting, the disciplining absolutely needs to happen.

The challenges we're usually doing it at the wrong time in the moment when they're upset and, and think about that.

16:36

If your child's upset or you're upset and somebody's trying to tell you important information, how likely are you to absorb it to, to make that connection when you're just hot headed, you're angry, upset, frustrated, whatever in the heat of the moment somebody's trying to say, let me let me teach you a principle right now you're like, you're not going to hear it It's just it's going away.

16:57

So that is not the time to correct the behavior.

It's when things have calmed down, when there's calmness and clarity and humility and.

Connection.

And connection, yes, you're really connected now and then you ask a question, bam, right.

17:17

That is real connection.

So I, I want to emphasize this here.

The absolute best way to correct our children and to quote discipline our children is to teach them.

I I don't know how to emphasize that enough.

17:35

We think erroneously.

We think that punishment is the trick.

If I punish my child, then the behavior will stop.

That's not true.

And we're going to talk more about that.

OK, then I won't dive into it, but punishing is not the way.

Teaching is the way.

17:51

The most effective way to teach is to connect.

The most influential teachers and mentors connect first.

They prioritize connection over correction.

So if I connect then I can correct.

18:06

Yeah, Abraham Lincoln said that if you would win a man to your 'cause, you must first convince him that you're his sincere friend.

And that's never more true than in parenting.

So when we think about and, and when we say prioritize connection over correction, people think of something like gentle parenting or like permissive parenting where there's no correction, there's no boundaries, there's no disciplining.

18:28

And that is not the case at all.

What we are saying though, is that we do not correct our child at the expense of connecting with them.

So meaning we don't correct them in a way that's going to break our attachment with them, our bond with them.

18:46

In other words, we're not harming the relationship.

Exactly.

We're not harming the relationship in order to teach the principles that they need to know to help them be happy, to be successful, to interact appropriately with people.

Like whatever The thing is, we do it in a way that, and this is the other key, we do it in a way that actually builds your connection with them as opposed to tearing it down.

19:10

Yeah, so you're after you correct and mentor them and help them get the lesson.

Like really, truly get it.

Your relationship's actually better with you instead of worse.

And I can hear some of you resisting because I've heard it so many times.

You think, Nope, no, I have to correct my kids, They did something wrong, I'm going to drop the hammer.

19:26

If that affects my relationship, so be it.

It's my job to correct them and punish them.

I can hear that.

But you have to stop and question your methods.

Because if you're not getting the results, then your methods aren't working.

Exactly.

So stop.

And and I, I understand what you're saying.

19:43

The the correction does need to happen, but the goal is like, let's step back and say, what is the most effective way for correction to take place?

And it's through mentoring generally with questions where the child comes to his, his or her own conclusion.

20:01

Says, says to you, yeah, what I did was wrong exactly.

And I don't want to do that anymore and I'm sorry.

When when it when they come to the conclusion on their own and they say it out loud, that is impactful versus you saying what you did was wrong.

20:19

You should be ashamed of yourself and you need to tell me you're sorry.

Yeah.

So the correction occurs, but it happens in a way that's more transformative to the child because they are coming to their own conclusion.

So a couple of little quick examples here, like with a teenager, say they do something wrong they should have done and the tendency is to give them some sort of lecture or get after them or ground them or whatever.

20:43

But ultimately they they feel resentment, they feel defensive, they feel angry at you.

And so your your connection is unbroken.

Like it puts a wedge there and they don't really get the lesson because of all those other emotions certain way.

21:01

Now, if you switch this around and you focus on connecting with them, which may mean in the moment you validate their feelings, you empathize with them, you, you're there for them to support them.

Because, because all of us know that when we do something we shouldn't, unless these other feelings have gotten in the way and we've been trained to feel that way, we feel remorse, we feel shame, we feel guilt, we feel repentant, right?

21:28

That's the natural way of being.

We don't like ourselves, right?

This is so important because when your kids behave poorly, they, they often, they almost always know it and they don't like what they've done and they don't like themselves.

So if we come in and drop the hammer, we're adding to that.

21:44

But when a person is already despising themselves and somebody comes in and starts telling them what are they?

They get defensive.

Exactly.

So they start defending themselves instead of letting it calm down and saying, hey, let's talk about what happened.

Then they themselves admit and say yeah what I did was wrong and I I don't like.

22:04

It yeah.

So if you come in with this love and acceptance and validation, not that you're validating the the offense or the crime and saying, oh, it's not a big deal.

It it's not that it's saying I'm still your parent.

I still care about you even if you make mistakes.

That's ultimately what you're saying.

22:20

Then either in the moment or later, you can have this discussion with them where you asked, especially with a teenager.

But this also can work with younger children.

You ask questions rather than telling them what they should think.

So you say, what do you think about that?

Was that the right choice?

22:36

What could you have done differently?

How could you have handled it better?

And then they, like you were saying, say the things that you would have said to them anyways.

But because they say them, it's more powerful and actually keep creates the transformation that you want because they're the one coming to the realization now in a with a younger child, it say they're fighting, the siblings are fighting or something has happened again.

23:02

You come with connection.

You you bring connection to them rather than correction.

So you come into the situation, you validate feelings.

Yes, I that was so rude.

I can understand why you feel like that.

Let me have help you.

23:17

Let me give you a hug.

Let me help you calm down.

You bring the sense of connection to them.

And then the same thing.

You can ask questions, you can do role-playing, which we'll get into more of that in a minute.

But but I just want to have that framework in mind of like you're bringing connection to the situation rather than the correct.

23:35

Have that, have that be your mindset.

So let's say your two kids are fighting and you're like, oh, I'm going to go up there and correct this behavior.

Think first.

So connection overcorrection.

So let me go connect with them and, and they're fighting and they're screaming, they're maybe hitting each other fighting and you're upset it's interrupting everybody and you want to just get after them.

23:55

Don't do it.

Go up there.

And usually it's some kind of pattern interrupter first 'cause if you, if they're just duking it out and you're like, guys, I understand how you're feeling and I know it's not, it usually doesn't work.

24:10

So there's some kind of pattern interrupter like, hey, whoa, let's just stop this for a second and connect then, correct?

Give an example of a pattern error interrupt because people might be like what are you talking about?

What do you mean?

So what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to stop what's happening because it's it's a cyclical pattern or they're in the middle of a fight.

24:32

You're trying to do it without control.

Or for joining the fight, Because if joining, if I go up there correct, I'm correcting them, then I end up joining the fight.

Now there's three of us fighting and how, how dumb is that?

So I'm going to do some.

Sometimes it's funny stuff, sometimes it's playful stuff.

24:49

It's.

Goofy stuff.

I'll literally like go and then.

Like you you, your kids are squabbling in the room and you go on and turn on a like a fun.

Their favorite?

Song and blast it like boom.

And then so they're they're like, what the heck?

And it's like their favorite song and you're over there like dancing.

25:07

Weird.

And they're like, oh, you're weird, dancing dad.

Why weird?

Stop, Dad, we're in the middle of a fight.

And then you kind of dance over, you dance in between them and you're, and they're like, what is wrong with you?

What you're doing is you're you're, you're breaking.

You're interrupting the drama.

Interrupting what's going on and like this is so weird.

25:24

And again, depends on the kid, depends on the situation, depends on the relationship.

You might walk in and grab a little squirt bottle and like and they're like what?

And they're like OK, pattern interrupt.

Or you might always walk in and hug them both.

Or you might run in.

25:40

I I would do this because I have this finish for my kids.

I'd run in and tackle them and start wrestling and tickling.

Like what you guys want to fight?

Let's go and start all over it.

But it's a playful.

Fighting within a minute, they're they're laughing and playing and squealing.

I'm tickling and they're like, oh, and then I, I cuddle them up, I'm hugging them and they're and they're and I can, I can visit physically see them relaxing and I can, I can sense and see the emotions coming down.

26:06

And once they're down, hey guys, what what's going on?

And they tell me.

I say OK I get it and then start asking.

Questions and then this, and I'm not sure we specifically talk about this, but it's a good time to bring it up.

We often, especially in a scenario that involves two children or more, we validate everyone's feelings and we point out that they all contributed to it.

26:28

Too often it's too black and white.

They're like, you're wrong and you're right.

And so then it's like you're picking sides or this or that.

We never do that.

We're like, you shouldn't have done that.

You shouldn't have done that, You shouldn't have done that, especially as they as we ask these questions to help them point it out or like, yeah, all of you contributed, all of you could have done something better to make the situation better.

26:49

You all have fault in this.

And by by equalizing the fault and the quote UN quote blame, it makes everyone feel heard and they don't have to be defensive because they're the victim of this situation.

Again, the best way to get there is questions that draw them out to that conclusion.

27:07

And again, I can hear some of you say I don't have time to go around and have a Socratic discussion every time my kids fight.

Well, then you're going to be dealing with a lot of fighting.

Until you can get there, you might have to spend a lot of time having questions and get there.

27:24

But but I also want to stay on their side.

There's times when you're like, hey, OK guys, you know, let's, let's see this differently.

Have to.

Get a little feisty about it for a second, though, because this is the thing parents are complaining to us about how much time their kids spend fighting.

27:41

And then they say things like, well, I don't have time for that kind of intervention.

Well, that's why you spend so much time listening to them fight.

That's why there's so much contention in your house, because if you don't spend the time investing in these types of approaches, then you're going to get the opposite results.

28:02

And so yes, which will.

It'll be scattered throughout years and years and years.

Yeah, exactly.

So you're going to spend time either way.

It's like, which result do you want?

Now the other benefit though is that when you spend this time investing, well, now we eliminate most of the problem.

28:18

So we, we're not doing this every single day because we've invested we.

Don't do it at all now.

Right.

It's very rare or it's small, you know, because we do still have an 8 and 11 year old, right, that have their little things.

But it's so small because we've made the investment early on that yes, took more time, but now we have the benefits of that.

28:40

That's what investing is.

So you have to be willing to invest in your kids.

Especially investing when they're young and helping them keep understanding when they're young, then then when they're teens, they don't fight anymore.

And then plus, because they're they pass that culture on to the children, the younger children, and so it becomes a part of the family culture.

29:00

And so it's like a non issue because they're like, oh, well, this is how we do things in our family.

OK.

The other thing before we move to number 2 is I also want to emphasize that prioritizing connection over correction does not mean just in the moment of trying to fix what's going wrong.

29:17

We have to also remember the pyramid of peace.

We have to do this intentionally daily to prevent things from going wrong by helping things go right.

So we have to regularly be connecting with our kids because when we connect with our kids, they feel happier.

29:37

And when they feel happier, they're nicer to the siblings.

They are more responsive to you.

They're going to be more likely to do what you ask.

Well, and they're going to be more self-directed.

Yeah, because they feel close and connected to you.

A close and connected child is a happy child.

That's obedient.

29:54

It is easy to get along with.

If they aren't that way, it's because they don't feel connected to you, the parent, the most important person in their life.

So in a very real way, very real way, connection reduces the need for correction.

30:11

Exactly right.

This one's so profound and so important, so prioritize connecting with your kids now, I think, I think there's 2 problems here.

There's a lot of parents, they're so busy in their own lives doing their own thing.

The only time they show up for parenting is when, oh, there's something I have to deal with here.

30:28

I have to put out a fire.

So put on my parent hat, 'cause I had to be a fire.

Otherwise I'm just doing my own thing, living my own little life and oh, you've interrupted my life again.

I have to come over and correct you.

That's not, that's not how this works.

You are a parent.

It's your number one most important priority and role.

30:45

It's the most important work you do.

I mean, the only thing about that is marriage.

But keeping your marriage good, then as it as is, parenting is concerned here.

This is your most important role.

Spend your time doing it.

Yeah.

The second piece is most people have never seen, they've never been exposed to.

31:02

They don't even know.

Because there's so much bad parenting out there.

Yeah, they don't.

They don't know Parents with children that have a phenomenal world class relationship, They've never seen it.

They don't know.

So they just think, man, the relationship I have with my kids is infinitely better than the neighbors and the lady I see down in school and that guy at church and that that I had with my parents.

31:24

Like this is good.

My relationship is good.

But what you're doing there is you're like, you're, you're basing your results off a scale that's way below you and that doesn't serve you because you think, for example, let's say, you know, person A thinks that they're mediocre relationship, we would call it mediocre.

31:43

It's like, oh, it's just kind of average.

That's it's decent, it's OK, but it's way better than the terrible ones.

So they think it's really, really good, but it's not.

And compared to somebody who has a world class relationship with their kids, it's it's so far down the scale.

So as you're thinking through this like, no, I want the best possible relationship that's available.

32:07

That's the kind of relationship we're going after.

And that's the kind of relationship your children want to have with you.

They literally want it so badly.

I think too few parents really understand how much their children want to have an amazing relationship with them.

32:23

OK, so even by you saying that they're like, no, they don't.

My kids just want to spend time with their friends.

They want to be on their devices.

They want to play their games at toys.

Like because, and I hear this all the time and and I hear people teach it all the times.

Like, hey, look, your kids only want to spend time with you for the first several years and then after that they won't be interested in you.

That's common because it's so.

32:44

Prevalent.

And it's unhealthy.

The reason that happens is because parents don't have great relationship with their kids or.

They're I.

Want to be frank here, You're boring or or you're unpleasant to be around.

So no wonder your kids are growing up and they look at you and like why would I want to spend time with you?

33:04

You're not doing anything, you're not going anywhere with your life.

You're unpleasant to be around 'cause you're always complaining or grumpy or upset about something or you just sit around, you come on, you plop down on the couch and you do nothing.

You just get fat and old and like this.

You're so lame.

33:20

Why would I want to spend time with you?

That's just the truth of it.

So if you're boring or you're unpleasant, then change.

Stop being, stop being boring.

Stop being unpleasant.

Be a very attractive.

33:37

Yeah.

Be, be somebody that like your kids want to spend time with you because you're cool and you do cool things and, and you're smart and you're wise and you're insightful and you're funny and you're inspiring.

Like you're doing something in your life.

33:53

Like, gosh, I want some of that.

Yeah.

If that's who you are and you have a good relationship with your kids, they want to spend time with you.

Exactly.

Plus, I have to point this out because I feel that it's so important for parents to understand and they don't realize it because they don't have the clinical understanding or the psychological understanding as far as development goes.

34:15

Part of the, the, the thing that's happening I'm playing in here is that your children have and I, I have to use this word even though I hate it when people label things or turn everything into a disorder.

But I feel that it's important because it helps us know what's going on.

Your children have an attachment disorder because if when they were younger, their needs were not met, they weren't connected with as much as they wanted, because young children really want to connect.

34:43

They learn how to protect themselves essentially by disconnecting and distancing themselves from you.

So yeah, they start to not be interested in you at all because you weren't interested in them.

That's how it begins.

It's a survival mechanism.

It is.

It's a survival mechanism.

34:59

You're right, they're protecting themselves.

Like I don't want to lean into my parents because last time I tried they pulled away and I felt rejected.

I literally read a comment on Instagram today that broke my heart.

This woman said I was sharing a reel from I don't think she's specifically a doctor, but Erica Komizer and whose work is incredible.

35:21

And in the comment to this reel, this woman said, well, I had a clingy 2 year old and I went away for a week or 10 days and when I came back she was fine.

In fact, she was more connected to her dad.

And it broke my heart because I, she doesn't realize it, but I realized what she was saying first of all, her child was clingy, which means she already was dealing with an attachment disorder.

35:43

If your child is clingy or needy or disconnected, it's because they're not feeling connected from you.

They, they, their needs have not been met.

So already the relationship was fractured and then she left and when she came back, the child was more connected to the father.

35:58

Well, because, and I know people feel like this is drastic, she felt abandoned by her mother.

And so she was connecting more with the father to try to fulfill that need.

And so it's so sad, but that's the foundation, which later as a teenager means this teen is not going to listen to you.

36:17

They want nothing to do with you.

In fact, they may even hate you.

And it started there.

And I know this feels drastic to people and they feel like this is extreme, but it's not.

I'm telling you, after decades of research and having raised our own seven children and working with thousands of clients, I'm telling you it's not extreme.

36:35

This is really what's happening.

We have to understand how important these small things are stacking up to create these results that we don't want.

And so we have to go back to this.

We have to focus on connection before correction, but we also have to make that connection a daily intentional effort.

36:55

It means little things like responding to a baby's needs when they cry, not letting them cry it out, not sleep training.

It means comforting your your child when they're going to throw a tantrum or before, ideally before they throw a tantrum so that they don't have to throw the tantrum because you're there meeting their needs instead of expecting them to act older than they are.

37:16

It means looking them in the eyes when you talk to them rather than I see so many parents parent their young children as though they're literally a thing, an object.

It's like they don't even look at the child or talk to them.

They just make them do whatever they want them to do with no communication or respect.

37:35

It's really sad to me, but it means spending, you know, giving them a hug every morning and every night and telling them you love them and hugging and cuddling.

It's all those things throughout the day that work on the bottom part of the pyramid to help things go right.

Huge.

37:51

OK, just to not be misunderstood, I don't want people thinking, oh wait a minute, as a mom I can never have time away from my kids, never do anything.

That's not the case.

If you have a fantastic connection and a great relationship with your kid and then you need to take some days away for a trip or whatever's going on, it's OK.

38:08

The child will miss you.

You'll come back, it'll be great.

But if you're not making those deposits and those investments, if the connection is weak and you go away, it, it's extreme.

It feels like abandonment and it it leaves scars and wounds.

Yes, Yep, exactly.

OK #2 again, not in any specific order, but this is a key ingredient.

38:30

It's to see quote UN quote bad behavior as a symptom, not the problem.

Too many parents view the bad behavior as the problem they're trying to solve, and so they want a technique, they want a hack, they want a trick they can use to fix the problem, which is not really the problem, it's the behavior.

38:52

So they want a time out, they want a punishment, they want a thing they say, they want to take things away.

They want to whatever to fix the problem, but it's not the problem.

This, the behavior is a symptom of a bigger underlying problem or even a smaller underlying problem, but it's the symptom.

39:14

So every time we saw bad behavior, we never tried to fix it because we realized, oh, this is a symptom.

And so we would ask ourselves, we'd say, why is my child acting like this?

What's causing this?

What's causing this behavior?

39:30

It's the cause and effect framework.

Behavior is the effect.

What's the cause?

Right, where most of us think the behavior is the thing.

Yeah.

It's the thing that has to be fixed.

It's the thing that has to be punished.

It's the thing that has to be corrected.

It's not.

So when you switch your mindset to this, you'll, you go upstream to look at what is causing this behavior.

39:53

And that can be things as simple as They didn't get enough sleep, they're tired, they're hungry, they feel disconnected from you.

Their human needs aren't being met.

Yeah.

I mean, in some way or form, essentially they're one of their basic human needs is not being met, whether that's food, shelter, you know, connection, whatever.

40:14

Well, certainty, uncertainty, action, significance, all that.

So their human needs are not being met.

That's the short answer to why why they're misbehavior.

OK, so this is this is really good because when when we stop here and and just this just one principle here, we say we don't, don't focus on the effect, focus on the cost.

40:38

I think it was, Thoreau said.

For for every thousand people hacking away at the branches of a problem, there's one person going to the root.

So if, if as parents, we saw we got to go to the root and then you guys hear us in 60 seconds say, well, the root could be, you know, any of this vast array of human needs or human drives it.

41:02

All of a sudden you're like, well, I need to understand all of the psychology and all the sociology and, and all of this stuff about what it means to be a human being so that I can know what's the cause of my kids tantrum.

And the answer is Yep.

Ultimately.

41:18

Yeah, so that, buckle up, you decided to have kids.

You have kids.

Like that's the nature.

If you want to do this, well, you have to lean in, which is literally why you and I, Rachel, do.

We do coaching.

We have courses.

It's why we're we put.

All of this in there because there's so much to it.

41:36

Yeah.

It's why we're creating the extraordinary Parent mentoring method course, because, yeah, we want to outline all of these things in there.

But the good news is, I think especially when they're younger, the solutions are easy because easier because it's often, it's often food, sleep or cuddling.

41:55

Like those three things would fix a lot of problems.

If your child is acting up, if they're throwing a tantrum, if instead of yelling you did one of those things, you fed them, you laid down with them to take a nap or you cuddled with him, that would solve most of your problems.

Now, as they get older, I think it gets a little more complex because you have to get into, because of the human needs get more complex.

42:17

I think as they get older because there's more variables and nuances and interaction with neighbors and friends and the girl they like and the person who was mean to them.

There's more of that that you have to help them kind of sort out and process and work through.

42:34

And so, yeah, you do need, in a way, you need to become an expert in child psychology, right, in order to help them work through these things.

But the point is, like, again, are you willing to invest in your kids so you get better results?

Or are you just going to keep living a life with frustrating, annoying, irritating results so that you don't really like being a parent because you're not very good at it and your kids don't like being around you and the family culture is unhappy and unpleasant?

43:03

Like, that's the alternative in my mind.

So it's worth the investment.

It's worth doing the work, it's worth doing the research.

It's worth learning all of these things because you get way better results and your life is way better and happier.

Otherwise, you quite literally do not understand what's happening, right?

43:22

How?

How frustrating How I don't even I don't even know if I have the the right words for that is when you don't know what's going on or why it's happening.

Well, and then that also means you can't help your child.

43:38

And so then the the pattern or the the generational pattern of cluelessness continues on because you're like, well, I don't know.

That's just.

It must just be because they're kids, right?

Because they're 7 or 17.

43:54

And that's what I hear most parents saying.

Well, they're just being teens.

Oh, it's the hormones.

They say stupid things like that.

Oh, it's just a hormonal teen.

No, it's not nothing to do with that at all.

Mean it can be connected to that.

But the point is there, there is an answer, there is a solution, there is a way to help them work.

44:10

Through it sound like it can be connected to their hormones.

It's not because when you dig into the research, what's happening are the changes that are happening in their brains.

Well, specifically with a, a teenage brain, yes, but I'm also saying there's definitely hormonal things going on, especially for women, girls, because they're, they're having their periods and they're learning all these things and they're trying to understand their hormones and this their cycles and.

44:35

So then there's 28 days cycle that's going, and none of those 28 days is exactly the same.

And, and, and a lot of moms don't even know that's going on, so they can't help their daughters.

So it becomes this like mess of soup.

Like ignorance and misunderstanding.

44:52

If we can get down to the cause, the root cause of these things, then it's so easy to address and change.

And we also, though, we don't want you to feel like, Oh my gosh, now this is hopeless because I have to get a master's or doctorate in child psychology in order to help my child.

45:12

That's not what we want you to feel because the beautiful thing about this is that even when you start to learn even a little bit, even listening to this podcast, you're going to have that much more knowledge that's going to make things that much better.

Exactly.

But like it's incremental it it builds up on itself.

45:32

OK, so let's let's come up with a scenario, right?

You're exactly right.

And we want to give.

So we want to like, I don't know, I purposely want to overwhelm you a little bit here.

So you pay attention.

You're like, Oh my gosh, I got to pay attention.

But then I also want to give you tons of hope and specific strategies to say you you walk upstairs, your 11 year old is just just devastated, crumbled on the floor, all is lost.

45:54

And instead of freaking out and.

Getting upset at them or telling them to control themselves.

What's why?

Why is this happening?

What's the cause here?

What's the catalyst?

And you just think, you think for a second to see if there's anything that's obvious.

Could it be a lack of sleep?

46:11

Could there be something going on?

So instead of me just reacting to what I see, I pause and say, OK, what's this is a symptom of a bigger problem.

So I'm not I'm not even going to address the problem.

I'm not going to you don't have to stop acting like that.

46:27

What's blah blah?

I'm going to sit down and like, hey, come here, come talk to me for a second.

Let's go.

What's going on?

And I'm going to let him talk for a minute.

I need to interject for just a minute, because I know as a mom, I often felt that if I was going to be a good mom, I had to do something about the problem right then.

46:43

I had to get involved at that moment and fix it, solve it, wrecked it, or else I wasn't a good mom.

And this idea that I was just going to let it go and not address it right then, it was like, oh, I'm a bad mom because I'm letting it go.

47:01

And I think that's part of our culture of like, a child does something bad and the parent has to punish right then or they have to get after that.

You have to react to the action.

And that's not That's often the wrong thing to do, and so you don't have to.

Go good parents.

47:18

Go to the root cause of the problem.

They don't just address.

To correct they don't get right in it.

In fact, you know, when you're talking about, you go up and you see your 11 year old, you know, my most likely response is to go up there.

And because I had already have that relationship, it's easier for me now.

I would go up and I would literally hug and hold them.

47:37

And I don't have to fix the problem.

I don't have to get after them.

I would just cuddle with them and hold them.

And then, you know, and then I would be able to ask questions.

What's going on?

Why are you feeling like this?

What's happening?

And because we have done this and our kids know how to do this as well.

47:53

My 8 and 11 year old are great at articulating their feelings to me.

They're great at unpacking what's happening to them.

And, and they can tell me, well, it's this and it's because my sister said this and it's because this happened.

And I feel frustrated.

Like they know how to articulate the words and to expound on what's happening to them because we have modeled this and role played it for them and we've provided that space for them.

48:18

That is what helps to create a well adjusted child.

Like it helps them have the tools themselves to be able to do those things rather than requiring me to correct, discipline, fix, you know, like that.

48:33

That's not what we want.

We want them to be able to do it themselves because that's what's going to help them move into adult.

So just just like it's true for you and for me as adults, it's, it's often more than just the thing.

It's not just what's on the surface.

48:50

There's there's stuff underneath it.

There's layers.

And so if if you're frustrated or upset about something and you start unpacking it, like, OK, there's some underlying frustration here, like I'm still upset about this thing that happened a few years ago, or I'm still questioning my own worth.

49:06

I'm still wondering if I'm likable and lovable.

And so when somebody does something mean to me or says something mean, it's it's not necessarily just that act that makes me hurt so bad.

It's like I'm still wondering back when I was a child if I'm even lovable.

49:23

And so if it's stacked for us as an adults, then then you start thinking, well, I wonder if it's stacked for the kids too.

And so you find your 11 year old and you think I wonder right now, like, let's let's talk through this.

And and you start realizing like she's sitting here wondering like, yeah, well, the other day one of my friends said something me.

49:38

And I started wondering if I'm even a likable person, if I'll ever have friends or if maybe it's me, maybe it's my fault.

So then this little interaction with her sister or brother today triggered that.

And if we go to the cause and we help address the cause, then the problem, so many of the problems just go away on their own.

49:59

Exactly, Yeah.

So powerful.

OK, let's move to number three, parent.

And in this case, I like to remind parent is a noun, but it's also a verb.

So in this case, parent the verb with clarity, not with threats, punishments or bribes.

50:17

So what that specifically means is that too many parents are too vague.

They're not clear enough.

And part of the problem is because they themselves are not clear enough, they don't know.

So a child does something and they say don't do that or stop being mean or stop whatever.

50:35

That's vague.

It's unclear, it's nonspecific, and it's not helpful.

So because the child is unclear about what you're saying, because you're unclear about what you're saying, they keep doing the thing.

And so you threaten them, or you punish them, or you try to bribe them into doing the right thing when they probably don't even know what the right thing is because you have been unclear about it.

50:59

We.

Hear this all the time?

Yes.

Oh no, no, no, no.

I have told them 10,000 times not to be rude to their siblings.

And so then I talked to the kid.

I'm like, hey, you know, you're like, I wasn't being rude, right?

Wait a minute.

Like did your parents tell you not?

Oh yeah, my parents told me.

Not rude, but what I was doing is not rude.

51:15

Exactly and.

I'm like, OK, what did you do?

And they're like, oh, I did this, this and this.

That's not rude.

Like, OK, so what's happened is it's like this, this difference in definition or difference in paradigm.

So you say don't be rude and includes all these things, but you never explain that.

51:33

And the child's like, why wasn't being rude?

I was just doing this.

And so it's a total miss.

And you guys are.

There's punishment, there's frustration.

The kids going to be livid.

Like you're punishing me for being rude when I wasn't being rude.

They're going to be so angry and so resentful and rebellious.

51:51

It's like now you're just making crap up.

Yeah, not fair.

I hate, I hate what you're doing.

This is ridiculous because I didn't do it.

And it all stems from a lack of clarity.

So the more clear, the more specific we can be in our own minds.

52:07

But then also to articulate that to our children, the fewer problems we're going to have.

Because if I can go to my child and say, when you do that and you say it in this tone, at least to me and to your sibling, it sounds mean.

52:23

It sounds rude.

So, you know, here's a way we could probably do it better.

Let's practice, let's do some role-playing and let's speak in different voices.

I'm not talking like this.

I'm going to talk like that and see how they sound so that we are aware, more aware of what different tones sound like.

52:43

So then now there's more clarity about what you're exactly saying.

And then if it comes up again, you're like, oh, that was kind of like that, you know, grumpy voice that we practice the other day that that sounded like that to me.

Let's try a different voice.

Let's use one of our other voices that we practice.

52:59

It's very specific and you've practiced it.

So they know exactly what you're talking about.

There's a frame of reference.

And so when you tell them later, because you're going to need to, they, they know what you're talking about and you're more clear.

And now you don't have to threaten them.

You don't have to punish them.

53:15

You're just simply reminding them of something they have been taught in a way that they understand.

The best correction is teaching right.

Act it out, role play.

Give as many examples as you can.

Like, see the whole like rotisserie chicken from every angle.

53:34

Keep going at it from different parables, stories, examples until it finally clicks because you might be over here.

It's like, well, it's like this and like that.

And the kids like, I don't get it.

And then you relate it to something that he's connected.

To like a movie or a book.

Or something that he's fascinated with or basketball like, OK, hold on, let me let me walk through this.

53:54

You're on.

You're on the court.

The referee does this.

The coach says that.

Does that make sense?

He's like, oh, OK, I get it.

So it's called assimilation.

If you're making connection the the learner gets it.

It it assimilates into their brain, it literally connects into the neural connections that are already there.

54:12

Get that one or hey, it's like in this book you love or that movie.

Yeah.

Oh, OK, I got it.

And then we, I remember years ago practicing tone 'cause it could be like, hey, try that again, buddy.

What?

All I said was this.

I'm like, yeah, exactly how we say things matter.

54:29

No, it doesn't.

It's the same.

I'm just saying words.

All right, let's walk through it.

And we would use words that could be negative, neutral or positive depending on how they're said.

So we're getting very clear and very specific.

And then having them repeat it back.

54:45

So there's like, OK, they get it.

Well, and I think it's very important for parents to understand in this process that you want should welcome and not get upset when your children talk back or argue with you during this process because what they are doing is assimilating the information like they're.

55:04

Asking and seeking clarity, yeah.

They're seeking clarity, they're asking questions to you, it might seem like they're being disrespectful and and they should.

You should again be clear about how it looks like respect, like how to have this conversation in a respectful way, but they are essentially trying to grasp the information and saying, well, what about this or no, it's not like that because this or no, I disagree.

55:27

That's OK.

That's a good thing.

That literally how they are assimilating it as a part of their way of being by having that conversation with you.

So welcome those kind of conversations instead of shutting them down and telling them they're so disrespectful or like, now you're going to get extra punishments or you know, that's not a a healthy way to approach it.

55:49

If you want to have well adjusted kids, you want them to own the information for themselves.

And they're only going to do that if they're able to dialogue with you in debate and conversation to really grasp it.

So please encourage the the debating process and.

56:12

Definitely don't shut it down.

To go to clarity, what happens when you shut it down?

And, and, and I, I deal with this all the time as I'm working with families.

When you shut it down, the kid feels like I can't, I can't come to clarity.

I'm confused.

They're doing something.

I don't understand it.

I disagree with it.

56:28

So then it starts insulting like you suck.

You're the worst parents on the planet.

You guys are horrible.

I hate you.

It's the only thing they have left.

It's like that's all they have left.

Like throw darts instead of parents.

Like, well, you're just a little brat.

You're spoiled and tiled.

You're horrible.

56:43

And like, wait, what?

What's going on here?

OK, everybody calm way, way down.

Come all the way back down here.

What's going on?

It's like we asked them to do this and he did that or she did that.

Or he said no.

Or he asked a question.

Wait a minute.

OK, What did you ask?

OK, And what did you understand?

57:00

They're like, no, that's not what I heard.

That's not what I I didn't know that.

It was a total lack of clarity.

So back at the beginning, there was a misunderstanding.

You know what was said and what was heard?

Very different.

But since they're not allowed to talk about saying, hey, wait a minute, why?

57:16

That's dumb?

Like, wait a minute.

OK, Why do you think it's dumb?

Well, because of this and this and this.

Oh, interesting.

So if our kids were and we did, our kids would do this.

Like, dad, that's dumb.

OK, tell me why you think it's dumb.

Well, because you know my friend's going to do this first of all.

Right there, we don't get upset if they say something like that like that's dumb.

57:34

We're like, OK, great, that's their opinion and they're allowed to have their opinions.

Let's talk through it.

So I see why.

Yeah, so like, so, yeah.

I'm like, hey, this needs to happen.

That's dumb.

OK, tell me why.

So literally, that's how I do it.

Exactly.

I say that right now.

OK, Tell me why.

I'm not upset.

You're.

Not disagreeing like.

57:50

What?

No, it's not.

It's not dumb.

It's all.

And I say so, well, when I was a kid, you know, whatever, I'm not going to go on this big long lecture, whatever and say, OK, interesting.

Walk me through that like, well, other people do this.

OK, let's walk through that.

What's, what's the end result of those things?

Keep going, eh, walk me through that.

58:08

They get to do this, OK, and let's keep going.

And so I walk them down that road and I'm asking questions.

And so they're mentally going down there and they're putting in the framework, they're putting all the pieces together.

They're getting real clarity that basically what you're doing, you're teaching your kids to go to different levels of thinking.

58:26

Because if it's just first level thinking of like, why can't we just do whatever we want?

Why can't I just entertain myself to death all the time?

Why can't I just be out all night long just doing whatever I happen to feel like doing?

Why can't I just play video games endlessly because that's what I feel like doing.

58:43

And so you walk them down that road asking questions, and they go to the next level and the next level and the next level, and they get down there and they're like, oh.

Yeah, I don't want that.

Actually, that would suck.

I don't want that, right?

58:59

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't want that for you either.

That would be terrible.

So let's walk back up here to this action.

So what can you do instead?

Like, man, I I should really put some limits on that.

That's great, buddy.

What limits would you put right?

59:16

So instead of me saying you only get this much time or you, I'm not allowing you to do that.

Like what do you think, bud?

Like, man, I should really limit it to, to this.

And it could be food or entertainment or whatever, but they're coming to the conclusions and say, well, how can you remind yourself of that?

59:34

It's like, oh, I should put I should use a timer, an alert.

So they're setting up systems for success.

And then here's the golden ticket.

I've got to teach this one because parents dropped the ball on this so much.

Hey buddy, if you do mess up, what would be an appropriate consequence for that man?

59:53

And and here's what kids are really good at and they need this.

So parents man, listen up.

The the consequence has to be natural and relevant.

It has to be connected.

It cannot be arbitrary if the kid like sneaks video games till 2:00 AM.

1:00:14

And you say that's it, no more jujitsu for you.

It's like, what in the world?

And I'm sure people are saying say, well that's stupid.

There's plenty of parents that do those types of things.

Take away something totally unrelated and they're like, well, I'm taking away a privilege.

1:00:30

I'm like, no, that's not a privilege.

Every kid needs those good things.

So never, ever, ever parents never take away good things, ever.

Those are never taken off the good table or off the table as a consequence.

Like always keep the good things in and make sure it's related.

Anyways, I want to come back to the point.

1:00:47

Let the child choose the consequence and say, yeah, man, that's, that's good.

Let's write that down.

That was a really good idea.

Way to go, bud.

That was a really, really good idea.

You walk through that, you set up your own standards.

It's yours.

It's not mine.

I didn't tell you to do that.

1:01:02

You set up your own standards.

You set up your own system to follow through and you're you're agreeing to a consequence so that you don't do that.

So it's a natural thing that's all set up.

So then if something happens, the child already walked through it all and came up with it.

You don't have to to do all that in the enforcing.

1:01:19

It's so powerful.

You don't have to threaten, you don't have to punish, you don't have to bribe because they are the ones that that created the clarity on what's expected.

And then what's the consequence as a result?

I think another, I just want to point out before we move to #4 another great benefit of having or having the space for these types of conversations that kids love is I can't even tell you how many times my kids have convinced me that their idea was better because I would say something like this.

1:01:50

And then they'd be like, well, no, what about this and this and this?

I'm like, yeah, you're right.

Let's not do that then.

And kids love that because they feel respected.

They feel heard.

They feel like they have a voice.

They feel like I'm going to listen to them and make course adjustments when they have good ideas.

1:02:11

That's what you want from your children.

You don't want to be the one who's in charge that makes all the decisions, who does all the thinking in the house, and nobody else can.

A dictatorship.

That's exactly that's called control and it does not create healthy families.

So we allow this space for discussion because we want the ideas of our children.

1:02:31

We want them to contribute, we want them to give feedback and provide alternative options like that's what we want because then we become this team, especially as they get older that can work together to that can do more than the whole, like the the sum is greater than the whole.

1:02:48

Yes, and the kids become self-directed.

So whether I'm there or not, they make good choices.

They think clearly, make good decisions, follow through, take good actions like I don't have to be there babysitting and policing.

Because they realize that the goal is not to be obedient to mom and dad.

The goal is to think and make good choices.

1:03:06

That's the goal.

And when they real, they recognize that that's allowed.

Like they can do that.

And what they end up doing is the decision that they came to because it's the good decision, the right decision, not just because it's what mom and dad wants.

Then they start to integrate that into their life and it's beautiful to magic.

1:03:24

That's what you want.

Now I hear some of you saying, well, my kids, whenever they argue back, they have dumb ideas.

OK, that's.

They haven't practiced.

Thinking yet and they have underdeveloped brains and and they're only seeing it at first level.

So they're like, well, no, I think I should be able to do this all the time whenever I want.

1:03:40

It's like OK.

Help them walk through that.

Walk through it.

If parents, if you don't have the cognitive ability to persuade your children of good ideas and help them see good, better and best, that's something you have to improve.

1:03:59

You got to work on that as a skill.

You got to do if you can't persuade a six year old or a 16 year old that the way you're thinking about it is the better way and they get it and agree, then you're lacking some very critical skills and you have to get there.

1:04:15

Because if my son or daughter comes to me and they think hey, my idea is better and, and in my mind like that is not a better idea.

But you can't convince them.

I have to be able to persuade them and convince them through articulation, through thought, through dialogue, not because I said so and I'm the boss.

1:04:34

Well, because that's just using force and threat and it that's the lower form of communication.

It's the lowest form.

And ultimately everyone resents that, whether that was you as the adult or your child.

We resent being told we have to do something just because someone else is bigger, stronger in charge.

1:04:52

We all hate them and so it doesn't work in the long term.

Yeah, let let me make that connection right here.

Look, I want to make it super crystal clear.

I think one way my child thinks another way, I can tell them and threaten them, I say you will do this or you'll get this punishment.

1:05:09

It's not likely to work.

The best thing I can do is persuade them to until they agree and they say, yeah, man, you're right, Dad, I'm not going to do that.

Done, Problem solved.

I don't have to threaten them.

1:05:25

I don't have to bribe them.

I don't have to punish them because they in their own mind, said, yeah, you're right, I don't want to do that.

Right, because I want different results, I want different outcomes.

You want your kids to want the better outcomes, and if your kids want the better outcomes, they're going to go get them.

Exactly.

1:05:41

Mistakes are going to be rare.

You don't have to make them do it because they already want to.

Do it, but as long as you want one thing and they want another thing and all you have is threats of punishments and bribes, that's a suck sandwich for years.

Yeah, OK #4 I don't want to spend a lot of time on this one because I have a whole course on it and I, we have some other episodes about it, but it's still, I have to mention it because it's still key and critical to this whole topic of avoiding tantrums, parenting without yelling.

1:06:17

Part of the key is having and it's use family systems to reduce chaos.

When you have systems in place that includes routines, that includes expectations.

When you have that in place, it reduces a lot of friction because you're not seemingly out of the blue saying I need you to do this and your child's like what?

1:06:37

Blind sided, Like what do you mean I need to do this?

I don't even know how to do that.

You've never asked me to do that before.

It feels it's so much more work.

There's so much more inertia there because you don't have the smooth operating systems that help reduce the friction.

1:06:54

Now, when a lot of people, some people think that a system means a very strict, rigid schedule.

I'm not talking about that.

You don't.

And in fact, I don't think they're healthy.

It's not healthy to have these very strict rigid schedules, right?

Family life is much more dynamic and flowing than that, but having it shouldn't be to the other extreme.

1:07:15

I love the yin and Yang because it should not be all the way to the other extreme of no chaos or no systems, no order, no expectations.

Like that also is a form of chaos that is detrimental to your family life.

So you've got to find that yin and Yang balance so that a lot of the friction is reduced.

1:07:34

Think it's easier to get things done.

It's easier to ask someone to do something.

And it happens without everything being a battle or a power struggle or an argument.

Right?

And it also kind of ties into what we talked about, just having clarity, Like if you're clear about, hey, I expect the dishwasher to be loaded and unloaded.

1:07:54

I expect the garbage to be taken out.

I expect this room to, you know, stay in this level of order.

Then you're not constantly trying to fight to get that stuff to happen because people just realize, oh, this is how we do things.

1:08:10

This is how things are done in our home.

And the expectations have to be realistic for the kids and the age and the stage of life.

Too many parents have very unrealistic expectations.

That's terrible.

Or they have no expectations, which is terrible.

And kids do not thrive in either one of those worlds.

1:08:28

This comes up so often in coaching programs still, even people who have bought your, your charts and systems course and, and they know they still aren't doing it.

I'll meet with the clients after a long time, like, OK, tell me about your morning routine.

They're like, man, it's, it's, it's just, it's kind of just put together.

1:08:43

It's not very good.

Or what about eating routines?

Like, OK, how do you make sure your kids have a, a daily checklist of things they should be working on?

Well, we talked about it once but we never like bro.

Like you're making this so much harder than it needs to be.

Put systems in place.

1:09:00

Because those simple things right there that you just quickly mentioned make such a huge difference in how the day goes when your children, and because we've trained our children, our children get up and they start being productive right away.

We don't have to tell them.

1:09:16

We don't have to get after them.

They're all homeschooled, you know, so it's not like they have to get up and get dressed if they didn't want to.

But they do.

They get up, they get dressed, they make their beds, they start, they, they brush their teeth, they brush their hair.

They like, they start being productive.

1:09:32

They get, they exercise, they get right into their studies.

All of those things happen without you and I saying anything.

And that's from age 8 to currently at home 19 so.

And that's because we do that and we've done it before.

That's before they were born.

That's part of it, but it's also because I made the investment of creating the charts and the systems and the the, the checklist and the routines so that so that initially, yeah, they've followed all those things and they checked them off.

1:10:01

They don't really do that.

They don't really have the charts anymore because it's all now just a part of who they are.

Automated, yeah.

But because I made that investment of making it a part of who they are now, it has it pays off dividends.

So I do have actually a free family charts starter kit.

1:10:19

So that would be a place to start if you don't know where to start.

Look, Rachel starts the system.

She did it all for you.

So get it.

Everyone listening, just get the thing.

It's so cheap and she did all the work.

She'll save you hundreds of hours.

It's solid.

There's so many options in there with examples of everything.

1:10:36

So get it.

If you already have it, like a lot of you listening already have it, you're not using it.

Get in there.

Use like, make the time and effort to get systems and strategies in place.

It'll totally transform your life.

Yeah.

But I'm just saying it's actually on the same page.

You can get one or the other or all, it's up to you.

1:10:52

But I'm saying you can start out with a simple, because the, the checklist starts with just like the morning route.

It's where I have them start.

It starts with the morning routine for the kids because that's a great way to get them into this forward motion of being proactive and taking action and, and, and doing the things that are expected.

1:11:10

So you have this these systems and routines that just make family life smoother.

So it's a great place to start.

Or you just get the whole system and we'll walk you through the whole.

Our, our lives are very unconventional and sometimes we tell people our lives, we share it online, like, hey, we travel the world with our family and we're doing this, We do that.

1:11:26

We'll often get a lot of negative comments.

Kids need your structure.

Your kids are going to be losers.

They're never going to succeed in life.

They they have to have routine instruction.

We're like, yeah, like our whole world is built like our, our family, the dead and family world, our whole life it our extraordinary life is built on routine and structure.

1:11:46

So it's not location dependent wherever we go.

And our unconventional our life is we live by routines.

Yeah.

And those everybody does.

And but our routines and good routines actually support your success, where many routines sabotage your success.

1:12:03

Yeah.

And so you want to build it in in a way that supports your family.

Exactly.

OK #5 this is obviously like all of them, very important, but it's something that too many parents do not fully understand because there is a faulty belief in our society that children have certain abilities that they just do not have.

1:12:25

And when we understand that they don't have those abilities, then it makes our lives as parents so much easier.

And so this one is lead with emotional Co regulation.

And what does that mean?

Essentially what it means is that children, and in this definition I'm going to include perhaps up to the age of 25, do not have the ability to self regulate.

1:12:47

Now that's going to vary in levels according to their age and maturity, but children are born without a prefrontal cortex.

The prefrontal cortex is a part of the brain that regulates emotion and the prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until the age of 25 S.

1:13:04

Your child very likely literally lacks the ability to self regulate their emotions.

And unfortunately because we've been indoctrinated inappropriately in society, we've been taught to believe the children can self soothe, even even babies, and that is just not true.

1:13:23

In fact, it is a lie and that is what creates so many attachment disorders which then create behavior problems throughout the life of a child.

A child cannot self regulate.

They have to have Co regulation.

1:13:40

When they were in the womb, they were regulated by your emotions.

If you were stressed, they were stressed.

If you were calm, they were calm.

They still need that from the age of birth 0 until they learn how to do it.

And that's going to depend on the child and their own uniqueness.

1:13:59

So we have to, and I realize when I say this, we have to help them Co regulate.

Many of us do not know how to even regulate ourselves, which is part of the problem.

And, and I want to add a couple of different words here.

It's like we don't even know how to process.

1:14:15

How do we process our thoughts, our emotions?

How do we process an experience that was challenging, a difficult, some kind of stressful thing?

How do we process our big traumas, big tea traumas and our little tea traumas?

Most people don't know how, they don't have the skill set, so it it has to be intentionally developed and cultivated.

1:14:37

Children and adults need to be taught how to do this.

So one of the major roles of parenting is learning how to do it yourself and then teaching your children how to process.

So when you're very upset, how do you get over it?

When you're hurt, how do you get over it?

1:14:55

When you feel depressed or discouraged or hopeless, what do you do to move past that?

Figure that out and teach that to your children.

Because if you don't teach some who will, it may never end up having the skills to do it, even if they are over 25.

1:15:11

Exactly.

Just Just growing up won't necessarily give you the skills to regulate or IT.

It's true.

It doesn't.

Just because your prefrontal cortex is now fully developed doesn't mean you know how to regulate or process emotions.

And so if we as parents don't learn how to do it and then teach our children, they don't learn how to do it.

1:15:30

And that is why many parents are struggling with this, because they weren't, they weren't taught how to do it themselves.

So it's kind of this catch 22 in a way of like, well, we can't parent our children as well as we need to because we haven't learned how to regulate ourselves.

1:15:49

And yet, ironically, so many parents say things to their kids like control yourself or get over it or deal with it.

And the kids are like.

How?

I have no idea.

And we're not teaching them how.

And so they just don't they don't know.

1:16:05

And then we wonder why they have all these misbehaviors and they're acting out and they're they're throwing tantrums and like they're emotionally dysregulated.

It's because they haven't learned how to they have not been Co regulated with their parents.

So in very simple, basic ways, of course, it starts with babies by responding to their cries.

1:16:28

So many mothers ignore their babies or they'll say, well, I'm not feeding the baby yet because it's not time to feed the baby.

Like that doesn't help the child that the baby has no idea about your schedule and neither do they care about it.

So when a baby cries, meet its needs, whether that's hungry or tired or just want to be held, meet the baby's needs.

1:16:49

That's how it starts.

But then it also is like when you're when we're talking about tantrums and helping children, tantrums often occur because a child has literally reached their limits.

It's like a mom being burnt out, touched out and like losing it.

1:17:06

That's the same thing.

That's what a tantrum is.

But we want to punish them where a mother wants empathy and sympathy and and someone to, you know, like validate her feelings, but we don't do that with a child and that's wrong.

We need to validate their feelings of like, Oh my gosh, you're so overwhelmed, you're so stressed, you're so tired, you're so touched out, you're so overstimulated.

1:17:31

Let me help you regulate.

Let me Co regulate with you.

So I'm going to hold you.

Like the best thing you can do with a tantrum is hold the child and love them and make them feel like it's OK.

Let me help you calm down.

Let's take some deep breaths together.

Let's get some food.

1:17:46

Let's go lay down.

Like anything you would do to help yourself feel better, help them do that rather than isolating them, threatening them and punishing them for having their emotions.

Like, how would you feel if somebody did that to you when you were just had reached your limits?

1:18:05

Don't do that to your children.

I get so upset about it because I want to speak out for children.

They need a voice.

They need someone there on their side to help them and protect them.

They need you to be the adult to help them figure this world out.

1:18:22

That's our role.

That's why we are their parents, to help them learn how to live in this world.

So we're the ones that have to figure this out so that for ourselves and for them.

And I think, I think every mom and dad has gotten to a point where they just lose it.

The they're so worn out.

1:18:42

They're so overwhelming.

It's, it's an adult tantrum.

And I, everybody listening can relate to this because you can think of a time when you lost it.

And in that moment when you lost it, what if your spouse came in and punished you?

Yeah, smacked you, you know, put you in solitary confinement.

1:18:59

Like I'm not going to talk to you.

I'm not going to be as like you knock this crap off like how you would feel so horrible because you already.

Feel exactly what a child feels like, right?

They can't articulate that and they can't share those feelings with you, but that's how they feel.

1:19:16

Reached my limits and I don't know what to do with all of this.

And so I'm just going to lose it.

And then they get punished for it.

Yeah.

And so if we can prevent it and then handle it tactfully, bring them back down, then gradually those, you know, those explosions stop happening.

1:19:37

Well, because in that process of Co regulation, they learn what to do to help themselves calm down.

Because mom has helped me do that.

She's told me take the deep breaths.

She's told me to come over and cuddle with her.

She's told me to go take a nap or to get some food, and all of those things are proactive actions they can take with training to then calm themselves down so then they don't have to get to a tantrum.

1:20:04

But the reason kids get to tantrums again and again and again, because they don't have any other option.

They don't know what else to do.

And they've often been ignored up to.

The point of.

Explosion where?

Many tantrums occur because parents are ignoring them and then the more they start to act out, the more they ignore them which then just leads to tantrum.

1:20:25

Yeah, so lean in earlier, far help them process and regulate and then the tantrums go away.

Yeah.

And so of course we could go on a lot more about what Co regulation looks like, but.

We'll do that.

1:20:40

Here we yeah, we're going to do that in the course here.

We just want to introduce the idea of like you have to be Co regulating if you want to avoid yelling and if you want, because again, the regulating yourself is what helps you avoid yelling.

Again, if we look at it as an adult tantrum, you yell because you've reached your limits.

1:20:59

But if you learn to regulate, you don't have to yell.

And if you learn to help your children by Co regulating with them, they don't have to have tantrums.

Kate, number six, last one, we have to build resilience through connection and challenge.

So I hope in all of this you're not taking away this idea that we are these gentle parents that are all touchy feely and like don't do anything hard or expose our kids to any hard things.

1:21:26

That is not true.

And if you know anything about us, you know that that's not true, that we're often challenging our children and they've done very challenging things, including our two of our teenagers summoning Count Mount Mount Kilimanjaro.

You know, they've done very challenging hard thing to.

1:21:44

To the point where I would easily put my teens up against almost any adult and be like, bring it on, let's see what you got.

Yeah.

My kids can handle it.

March all night long with a.

That's another thing they've done.

1:21:59

In the cold and just deal with the suck and the grind and do it pleasantly with smiles and jokes and conversations and push past all your limits.

Let's see how you handle that crap.

Because our kids can do that because that's, that's the framework we operate in.

1:22:16

Like we want to be tough and we want our kids to choose to be very tough.

So we're in no way, shape or form advocating or condoning this easy, comfortable life where there's no.

And.

No struggle and people misunderstand that all the time.

1:22:33

They're like, yo, your kids are going to be the biggest lazy losers and they're never going to be able to do anything hard.

They'll they're noble fit in the world.

And I just, I'm just chuckling.

I'm not chuckling, is it?

I just, I'm laughing, right, because I'm like this, this is so silly and so far from the truth.

1:22:49

So challenge matters, but it's connection and challenge meaning.

Because the connection has to happen first.

That I am going with them.

So I lead my children through challenge.

I always have since they were born.

1:23:05

I would carry them, sometimes two or three of them, into insanely difficult areas and they're watching me.

After they had reached their own limits.

Yeah, so they go to their limits and then I carry them, right.

And they're watching me even even little, there's making these cognitive connections.

They're just watching me sweat and struggle and strain and I'm smiling and like, this is the best.

1:23:25

Oh my goodness, this hurts.

And they watched out their whole lives.

And then I'm I'm leading the way through difficulty and like, hey, let's go in.

Let's push ourselves.

Let's push our limits.

Let's go.

They're watching me do it well and we're connected.

1:23:41

We have a great bond and I say, hey, I'm going to go do something really hard.

You want to come?

And they're like, yes, please, where do I sign up?

I'm in.

Well, and the key framework to understand this with, and this actually comes from clinical psychology, is that children, well, everybody, but in this scenario, our children have to choose to opt into the challenging things.

1:24:04

If people are forced to do things they're afraid of or don't want to do, but literally the research is out there, it's detrimental to them.

But if they do the same thing, the very same activity, but they chose to do it, it can, it produces a completely different positive result.

1:24:25

So we have to allow them to opt into the challenge.

And one of the best ways to do that is 1.

By having a great connection with them.

So you've been building a connection with them from the time they're a baby, or rebuilding that connection if you didn't when they were young?

1:24:40

So they trust.

You so they trust you because that that's a key part of connection is trust.

And then you're leading out by taking on the challenges, and that's the magic formula.

When they're younger, they're like, yeah, I'm not so sure, Dad.

1:24:56

And you and I do it anyways.

And they watch me and they're like, wow, OK, he did it.

He just jumped off that huge Cliff or he just did the bungee jumping.

He just jumped out of that airplane.

He just did that insane hike or mountain bike, or he's did a triathlon or a endurance race.

1:25:12

Wow.

Or he went and climbed that mountain.

He came back and told me the stories like that's whoa.

And you're planting all these seeds.

When they're ready, they're like, hey, dad, I want to give it a go this time.

And so one of our younger teens attempted Kilimanjaro and he got sick and just was exhausted.

1:25:31

And he's he's like, I'm out, right.

No shaming, no nothing.

It's like he.

Was in fact praised for how far he made it, which was above 16,000 feet or something.

Yeah, he made it up close to 17.

Like, bro, that's amazing.

That's higher than most people have been.

He was.

Go fantastic 13.

At 1313 at the time.

1:25:47

And so made a great, great job.

And so then I told him I was going to go back and make another attempt next year.

And, and he came up the other day he's like, yeah, I think I, I think I want to go back and right.

Awesome.

Challenged by choice, Yeah.

Right.

And of course, you know, you can also do this in smaller ways as well, because if our children.

1:26:10

And one of the things that happens, I think is that either parents are afraid of things or children are afraid of things And so they end up avoiding them as part of your life, right?

It's just, oh, well, we don't do that thing because I'm afraid of it or the kids are afraid of it.

1:26:26

And that's not a healthy way to develop because we have to be regularly, regularly confronting and facing fears and moving through them.

So if there are things that you're afraid of, especially if you're because we're leading out, if you're afraid of something, let your kids know, but then let them see you facing those fears, even in small ways.

1:26:46

So thanks for bringing this up.

So it's huge.

I see it every day.

So many parents just stay away from all their fears.

They hide from their own fears and their insecurities and boy, they're going to protect their kids from those scary things.

1:27:02

And so the kids even grow up with greater fears and insecurities and they're even more shelter infected from things that aren't even that scary.

But it was your own fear that you wouldn't lean into.

And I mean, this is, is across the board, but I, I especially see it really pronounced with moms.

1:27:20

And again, moms are out there to be protective, to have that voice of like safety.

And that's a good thing.

The so mom's air so far on the side of safety.

The poor kids never know how to do anything, try anything, won't go out there because mama's and we see this like, you know, we let our kids go out and try things and climb trees and like mom would be like, no, no, no, don't ever, never.

1:27:43

I'm never ever letting my kid climb a tree because they could fall and break something.

And I mean, these extremes, like, wow, your kids going to have to live in a padded circular room his whole life.

Yeah, that's not a good way to live.

One of the comments I did get on Instagram because I posted a reel and our son, who probably at the time was, I don't know, 15 or 16, was climbing a coconut tree with a machete in his mouth so that he could actually get us breakfast for that day because we were camping on a beach in Mexico and we were going to be eating coconuts for breakfast and.

1:28:15

And he's been doing this since he was.

He has been climbing coconut trees since.

No, he's been climbing coconut trees since he was 3.

Not with a machete at the time, but you know, as he got older, he climbed it with machetes because that's what the locals do.

He grew up in Guatemala and Costa Rica and the Dominican Republic, and he learned how to do those things.

1:28:31

So he's competent and he's capable, but so many people on there were just so freaked out by that.

Like, how could you let your son do such a dangerous thing to climb a coconut tree with a machete?

And the reality is that, yeah, for some people's children, there's no way they should be doing that.

1:28:51

They.

Shouldn't climb a tree or have a machete right?

And never combined but.

But here's what they don't understand.

The difference lies incompetence when you allow your children to push limits and face fears.

Safely.

1:29:07

Safely, they actually grow in competence and then you're able to do things that yes to other people are very dangerous, but to you is less dangerous because you have the competence.

I think a perfect example of this and this happens all the time.

1:29:22

You need to realize though, that that's a thing.

We were living in Georgia, the state I think it was during it was during COVID and we went to I think it was like a lake or a river and you with our children, most of them swam from the one side over to the other side.

1:29:42

It wasn't even that far.

Like I what, 304050 feet maybe?

Oh, no, no, it was a quiet.

It was a lot further than that.

It would have been a couple 100.

Oh, OK, at least.

But still like so we were in great shape.

It was my two boys.

I mean they they have 6 pack ABS, they're strong swimmers and we swam all the way across and back.

1:29:59

And we'd already lived in like, like 30-40, fifty, I mean, a lot of countries.

And anyways, you swam over there, you swam back, and the police came over and got after you.

He was so upset.

He was in a few areas.

Just how could you do that?

1:30:15

How do you take your lot?

You're all going to die.

What do you?

I'm like bro, like we do triathlons.

Like I and trek to the base camp of Mount Everest.

And times this and I'm like, and I'm an EMT in it.

Like I do rescue stuff.

1:30:31

Like I've been training water.

Like what are you talking about?

It's like this is and he's of course fat.

And he said this is dangerous.

People die.

You could drown.

I'm like, yeah, if you don't know how to swim, give me a break.

But in his, in his mind, he couldn't make it across.

1:30:49

And other little little local tourists that are completely out of shape and known to swim, they couldn't make it across.

Therefore, it's dangerous and no one should for everyone.

And like, I have a friend who goes out and he'll swim 2 miles in the ocean as a meditation, right?

And you know, it would be illegal for that guy to swim 200 yards across the water because it's dangerous.

1:31:11

So, so the idea here is that as we continue to push limits and push boundaries and grow in skill, things that were dangerous or are dangerous to other people are no longer dangerous because you have improved or increased your skill and ability.

1:31:28

That's the idea behind building resilience, behind building competence, behind taking on challenge.

Because you're going to, you're going to be more well-rounded, you're going to be more well adjusted because you have more skills and capability.

1:31:45

And this is true physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Like in all ways, we grow more holistically when we, instead of shying away from the things we're afraid of, we actually lean into them and help them become more capable and competent.