Get answers to your questions about marriage, parenting and family life from experts and parents of 7 children!

Rachel Denning (00:00.846)
Hey, hey, my friends, welcome to another episode of the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. I'm just gonna start right with a question here. I really want you to consider, how would your life be different if you could not speak? Let that kind of sink in. How would your life be different if you could not speak? Think about your communications. Think about...

your ability to express things. I think I think that would be that would be hard for me. Think about your ability to share a thought an idea message. Right. Whoa. Be powerful. I mean our lives would be so drastically different if we lost the ability to speak. Right. But in many ways you and I are missing our.

voice, so to speak. And so today I want to talk about finding your voice or even creating your voice, which is probably more accurate, but getting your voice and then adding meaning to your life. Because a lot of us are living as voiceless, meaningless. Well, that's harsh to say that we meaningless people like, but but we're living without meaning without voice.

And we'll dive into that. I want you. And it's a bold statement. I know that's a bold statement. I don't want to hit it. And really the idea of that comes from the great book by Victor Frankel, Man's Search for Meaning. Right. And he uses what's called logotherapy. After he got out of the concentration camp and was doing therapy and helping people, he came up with logotherapy, which is a Greek word that denotes meaning. Right. It's meaning therapy. In other words, discovering.

and sharing your voice is what gives your life more meaning. But like I mentioned earlier, most of us are living out the bulk of our lives without discovering and sharing our voice or even creating it. If you've read the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, which I love, absolutely phenomenal book, then he later wrote The Eighth Habit. And he felt like, yeah, there was a piece.

Rachel Denning (02:23.117)
There was a piece that was missing and it's voice. It's like it's sharing your voice, right? The whole book is about that. I love it. Also an excellent book, worth reading. But my message today for all of us is that we have a voice. And if we don't cultivate it and then share it, part of us will always feel unfulfilled. Right? Woo. And it's like we're just.

not being able to speak anymore and we'll be missing some of the meaning and depth and purpose in our lives. Oh, this is good. Oh, this is good. Ready? Ready to dive in? Here we go. So I'm going to quote two quotes from the book Man's Search for Meaning. He says, striving to find meaning in one's life is the primary motivational force of man. Whoa, that is huge.

Striving to find meaning in one's life is the primary motivational force in the life of man. We all have to have meaning and if we do not feel like we have meaning in our lives, if our lives don't matter, man, we get into so much turmoil and struggle and strain and hurt and pain. It is crazy, right? We've got to figure this out. That's only like the first part of the first quote.

This meaning is unique and specific in that it must and can only be fulfilled by him or her alone. Isn't that beautiful? It's unique and specific and it must and can only be fulfilled by him or her alone. In other words, you cannot find this through somebody else. Nobody else can do it for you. This has to be uniquely yours. There is something you have to do that only you can do. And...

I've quoted before I love quoting from Thoreau who says most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to their grave with their song still in them. That song is their voice. It's something they have to share something they have to give something they have to offer to make the world a better place. It's their voice right. And if they don't find it discover it cultivate it create it and share it then they end up just living lives of quiet desperation.

Rachel Denning (04:49.453)
Right, they lack the meaning and the voice. Oh, this is good. Okay, next quote by Victor Frankel. He says, there is a detrimental influence of which so many patients complain today. And this was like in the 50s and 60s, you guys. And I would say even more so now. There is a detrimental influence of which many patients complain today, namely the feeling of the

total and ultimate meaninglessness of their lives. He had patients coming to him all the time in their greatest pain, ultimately, when it all came down to it, when the dust settled and all the other things, well, it's this and it's that and it's this and it's that and it's all these other things and the blaming, the excuses and all that. When it all comes down to it and the dust kind of settles, our lives lack meaning. And it may not be like,

in a general overall sense, but there might be periods of our lives. Or, look, okay, let's take this for example. I'm a husband and a father of seven wonderful children and a beautiful wife, and I do great work, right? Work that I love, work that I'm passionate about, work that makes a difference in people's lives. I literally get to coach people and transform lives every day. It is awesome. But even in that situation, it would be possible for me,

to have meaningless days and weeks, months or years where I could be going through the motions where yeah, I'm still married and I still have kids, but I'm not really living with meaning. Sometimes we do that, we'll kind of assuage it, a pain there, kind of rationalize and justify and say, well, you know, I have kids, I'm raising the kids, that's my meaning, that's my purpose. And yet, many times, often,

We are just kind of going through the motions of raising kids. We're there, but not really there. You with me? So you can have kids and not be a meaningful parent. You can be married and not have a meaningful relationship. You can do even be involved in good work, meaningful work, and just be disconnected from it, from your own motives, your own engagement. You with me?

Rachel Denning (07:15.501)
Like this is huge. We have to live with meaning day in and day out. Right. And even if we're on vacation, even if we're taking a break, it's okay to rest. In fact, I think we have to. You can rest with meaning. You can relax and recover with meaning. You don't have to always be on, but we've got to live with more meaning. And he says,

He says that many of these people suffer from what he calls an existential vacuum. In other words, there's just a void, there's a hole in our lives. And we're struggling with the meaning of our lives and who we are and our own identity because we often, we haven't discovered and cultivated that voice and the meaning in our lives. Here's a great quote from George Bernard Shaw. Aw, yeah.

And if I remember, I'm going to try to share these quotes. I'll share all these quotes in the show notes so you can you can read them and see them as I quote them. This is what Shaw said. This is the true joy of life. That being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. That being a force of nature instead of a feverish.

selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. Oh man, sorry, I gotta go. I love that sentence. Oh, it's one of my favorite lines in all literature. Oh, it's so good. He says, no, you can, I'm gonna jump in here, right? You can be a force of nature.

What I call being a great force for good, right? You can be a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clot of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. Oh man, he is spot on, isn't he? Spot on. Okay, he continues in the quote, I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can.

Rachel Denning (09:34.285)
Want to be thoroughly used up when I die for the harder I work the more I live. Oh Please let that sink into your soul Write that one in your philosophy book the harder I work the more I live Now obviously that can get out of balance I've talked about that in other places where people only get into their work and they neglect everything else that matters and get to enter life and go oops or the Top five regrets of the dying, right?

Every single male patient that she took care of all said they wish they had worked less Right. So it's not to be confused with that of like spending your entire life in an office It's not that it's it's working hard To be your best self to find your voice and to share it to make a difference to be engaged with life That's work. It's hard work to think it's hard work to live. Well But the more the harder you work the more you live, right? So it's not net he's not

referring only to like working for money. Oh, if I spend more time at the office and I'll live more. That's not what he's saying at all. Remember, he's talking about devoting himself to making a difference to people in the world, right, and people in his world. He continues, I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It's a sort of splendid torch, which I've to hold up for the moment.

and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to the future generations. Oh, beautiful, right? So much meaning, so much purpose and having a voice there. So we need to get to the point of discovering your voice. What is your voice? What is your message? What is your legacy?

I was talking to one of my clients about this.

Rachel Denning (11:34.445)
because we had a beautiful conversation about it. And I want to invite you to do the same thing. She, on her own, had just been thoughtful about the last 12 years of her life. And she just wanted to examine it and see what she had done that was great, what was meaningful, what was purposeful. And as we talked about it, I said, yeah, what pieces of the last 10 or 12 years...

legendary right like you are living your legend you're leaving your legacy what are the legacy moments in the last while and for a lot of you this can be really insightful and wonderful experience for some of you it will be quite painful because you might look back and be like what have I done with myself what have I done with my life what have I accomplished that really mattered

that was meaningful.

You with me? Whoa, this is good stuff. And my friends, we do it now and we experience the pain now so that we don't have the pain at the end of our lives, looking back at our entire lives and going, what did I do with my life? What, I just went through the motions of checking off the little boxes, those social scripts and I just worked every day to pay the bills and that's it? What did I do with my life? And she specifically, my client, wanted to know what.

brave things she had done. And we spent a coaching session talking about being brave and courageous and bold and chasing down the dreams that scare us. Because she says, as I look back through my life, I realized there were multiple times that we almost did the brave thing.

Rachel Denning (13:24.589)
Ooh. Right? Powerful. Oh, so powerful. We've got to live with some boldness. Right? And power.

Let that sink in.

let it let it hit home for you like what what are you gonna do?

What are you going to do to live boldly to look back and be like, yeah, yep, I really lived. Right. Let me share another quote by Winston Churchill. There comes a special moment in everyone's life. A moment for which that person was born. That special opportunity when he seizes it will fulfill his mission. A mission for which he is uniquely qualified. In that moment, he finds greatness.

It is his finest hour.

Rachel Denning (14:26.477)
But we have to prepare for it. We have to live for it. We have to be looking for it, seeking for it. We have to be trying to find our voice, trying to find our message, trying to find our legacy and not just find it. I think it was also Shaw who said, look, it's not so much about finding yourself as it is about making yourself. And I think the same is true for your voice. You might have some discovery moments, some aha, like, yeah, oh, this is it. This is the thing that lights me up, right?

But a lot of it's just gonna be like, no, I'm gonna shape this, I'm gonna make it, I'm gonna create it, I'm gonna cultivate it, foster it, I'm gonna bring it to life. You gotta work that thing to life. So, couple of points to ponder here when you're seeking for your voice and your life's work. Now, a lot of people, this is really interesting, a lot of people will seek for their voice or their message or that thing, and it literally becomes their career. It becomes their business, it becomes their vocation. That's not always true for everyone.

Some of you will have, you might make great money selling this product, but that's not your voice, that's not your mission, that's not your life's purpose. You just make a lot of great money doing that thing. Great, it's your business, whatever. And then you, particularly if you're spending a lot of time running your business, but it's not your life's work, and I have clients that I work with, they're like, they know, they're good at their work and they love doing it, but it is not their life's work. There's a big difference between doing your work and your life's work. And so they have to put forth,

extra effort to spend time finding their voice and their life's work and doing those kind of things because it's two. And then those of us like myself where I made my life's work also is my work, my vocation, my career, my business, right? So a couple of points to ponder is you're going through this journey. Please try to remember the big picture. There's a difference between what you love right now.

versus what will matter most to you in life.

Rachel Denning (16:28.077)
Let that sink in as you're trying to find your voice. You might be like, oh I just love sports. I love you. There's nothing I love more than baseball or football or volleyball or swimming or whatever, right? Or you know, you're just just passionately in love with some hobby or some topic at the moment, which is wonderful. It's fantastic. I hope we have those loves in our life. But when we can pull back with some wisdom and think from a really big picture,

Though there will often, and maybe that is your life work, that is what matters to your whole life and you pursue that. Very often though, you find that when you have a longer term perspective, there are things you love and then there are things that matter most to you in life. Ooh. Another thing to consider with the big picture is how your voice will affect others. You know, as you're finding your, and we can call this you guys, we can kind of, you know, your purpose, your passion, your mission.

but your voice. Consider how it'll affect others. What effect will it have? Some end up pursuing their voice to the total neglect of their health, their family, their relationships, their spiritual journey, other things like that. So remember the big picture. Like, and this is why Rachel and I, we get so passionate and fired up about this. Like, we...

there's so much out there. The vast majority of the messages out there are all about success for the individual. That's really what it's about. Even personal development and professional development's all about success for the individual. And you can succeed and you can achieve this and you can get all that. And we're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where's the focus on success for the family? So when you succeed, the family succeeds. And that doesn't happen by default. You might say, well, it just naturally happens. If I succeed and my family succeeds. Not true.

If your family's not part of the picture, then they're not part of the picture. And if they're not part of the journey, then they're not part of the journey. If you don't make them a part of that, if you don't have a, like, when you're pursuing your purpose, your mission, your passion, your voice, make sure to include your family, right? Or at least they're coming along in the journey with you and not being neglected because of it. There's even some people out there that will tell you it's okay to neglect your family to pursue your.

Rachel Denning (18:51.533)
your voice or your thing and I just disagree. Other things to consider, try new things. A lot of good people don't have a clue what they're passionate about or what they could be good at because they don't do anything. They just haven't tried enough things. So try lots of new things, things that you're unfamiliar with, things you, and I would guess that for most of you there's some things you've always wanted to do but haven't done.

and I would recommend doing them. Go try it. Go out and try everything you've ever thought about trying. Just give it a whirl. Expose yourself to all kinds of new and great things. Another thing to remember is that you might have more than one voice, more than one mission, purpose, or passion. It could come either simultaneously like, I might...

I have a voice about this and I have a voice about that. That fits with ours like under the family umbrella. We're all about family, right? Just helping people live extraordinary family lives. And so I have a voice that I love to talk and help people in marriage and in parenting and actually in health too, health and fitness. And now in finances like starting and growing businesses, right? I love that. So I have some multiple voices there. Another consideration is your voice might change. You know, the voice you...

have in your 20s and 30s may be different from your 40s and 50s or even your 60s and 70s. And you may have more than one voice the whole time, right? I remember hearing an interview by this physician who just loved medicine. He just loved it so much and that was his career. But he felt torn for years, felt so torn because he also loved music. He wanted to be a musician. He would play the guitar and sing and he...

And he was always torn, like what career path should I do? And he always felt for so long I could do one or the other, so he chose medicine. But then finally he realized like, no, I have two voices, I love them. And so then three nights a week he was singing at a, he got a gig where he was singing and performing. And so he would do surgeries by day and sing in the evenings and it just lit him up. That was something he loved there. So when you're pursuing your voice, some things to remember. All right, now I want you to picture in your mind.

Rachel Denning (21:07.309)
A diagram and I learned yesterday this is called I think I called a Venn diagram. It's where they're interlocking circles, right? So you take in my diagram I came up with this years ago. We're living in Costa Rica You have three circles that are overlapping right and and they all intersect in one area and there's one little spot in there where they all Intersect and that is the goal. That is the key spot. That's the heart of it all and that's your heart ideally and in this

So this is a way to kind of, this is a way to find your voice. So here's an exercise I want you to do. This is Find Your Voice. I use this a lot when we're helping people try to decide what business they wanna do, what business they could start. The big American dream right now, you guys, is for people to own their own business. It really is. For so long it was like, own your own home, but now it's like, they wanna own their own business. And I love it. I love the entrepreneurial spirit that's out there.

So here's some ways to kind of think through finding your voice. And this can work either as, you know, it's your message, your hobby, your contribution, how you want to have impact and influence, or it could be starting a business, right? But these are some things that fit. So here are the three circles. They're all kind of interlocking and overlapping a little bit in the middle spot where they all three converge is the sweet spot. So the first circle is what I call the AOL, AOL formula.

The first circle is your assets. It's your passions, your talents, your skills, your knowledge, your interests, your desires. It's what gives you an advantage. It's what gives you an edge. It's what you either are good at or want to be good at. You can pick something in there like, you know what, I just want to become world class at that thing, and you go make yourself world class, right? It's not like either you have it or you don't, or you're born with it or you weren't. Like, choose something and make yourself world class.

We forget that step sometimes so many of us like well, I'm just not that good What have you done to make yourself world -class if you want to get into something get in it own that thing take extreme ownership of it Say this is my space my space. This is my kingdom. I own this right? So it's your assets. It's you it's it's who you can become and Like it's the value that you can present to the world, right? So this next one then is opportunity so a oh

Rachel Denning (23:30.861)
assets, opportunities. Opportunities are who needs this and how can you share it? Could you possibly do it for a living, right? What's the opportunity? So basically it's the need in the world. What needs are there? What opportunities are there? What are people paying for? And again, like this might be for money, it might not be. You might just be so passionate about education and then what you want to do is go to developing countries or even communities in your country.

where education stinks and it's just not available and you wanna go in and make it better. So it can be philanthropy, it can be impact, something you do on the side, or it can literally be a business because there might be like this gaping hole or where a certain sector of education or thought is not being delivered well, you can step in and do that. So your asset, your passion, talent, skill, knowledge, interest, desire in that area,

And the opportunity is, well, there's a need there. Who needs this and how can you serve it in a different and unique and special way? How can you serve people better than anyone else? What's the opportunity? And that's where you get alignment there where your asset overlaps with the opportunity. And I tell people, I'm like, if your asset is like ostrich grooming, there's not a lot, I'm sure there's still opportunities for that, right? But there's not a lot of them. You're not gonna find that everywhere.

But if you have an asset that overlaps with an opportunity and need a desire that people have, then there's a good fit. And the L of course is for lifestyle, which a lot of people neglect. They just end up thinking, well, I have this skill set and there's a need for it, so I'll just go do that. And then they end up not living the life they want, because they're not cognizant about it, they don't give it enough thought and purpose, and so they end up doing something they don't want to do.

We had a meeting yesterday, a live training in our extraordinary, no, in our money, master your money mastermind, right? It's our mastermind group for money finances for starting and growing a business. And the discussion there with multiple people were like, no, I want to work from home. So yeah, there's business opportunities. There's these ideas. I could do this, I could do that. But you know, those ones, they automatically cancel themselves out as they're not opportunities because they were very specific and determined to work.

Rachel Denning (25:56.525)
from home. And that's the lifestyle piece. If you want to be able to live anywhere, if you want your work to be location independent, then build some things location independent. That's what Rachel and I did. We were determined. Oh my goodness, we had so many job opportunities, so many great career opportunities, so many things we could have done. I literally turned them down. I walked away from them because it didn't fit with our piece. We wanted a business that was location independent so we could travel and have experiences and we could live life on our terms.

And so we worked and worked and worked until we built a business that is location independent. So make sure you have the lifestyle piece, which basically means what kind of life do you want to live? Too many people, sadly, hate their jobs and they hate their lifestyle. All right. Okay, so here's, here's, I'm gonna throw this in here. Here's some personality list that somebody else put together. I got this from a book and it's just a list and you can add to this list.

and go for it, but then I just want you to look at this list and think through it and then maybe just identify the one that really stands out to you. And you're gonna do the same thing with assets and opportunities. Make out a list, so write down a full list of your assets, everything you know, have done, skills, qualifications, and don't fret, like if you, you know, you don't have to have a PhD.

I heard Tony Robbins recently say, he's like, I have a PhD in results. Right? And so you can get training and competence. You can earn your merit, your meritocracy by your results. So don't think you necessarily have to have those things, but think through it and say, what do you do well? And don't see yourself, so many people struggle seeing themselves.

in a distorted view. Either they think they're way better than they actually are, or they think they're way worse than they are. And they think, I have nothing to offer. And you're like, are you kidding me? You're so good at that. You're so good, I would hire you because you're so good at that, right? And so think through that. So here's the personality list. I'm just gonna read these and write down the ones that really stand out to you. Like, yeah, yeah. So it's leader, it's administrator, operator.

Rachel Denning (28:22.637)
to be a wise person, a faithful person, healer, technology, art, miracles, vision, languages, service, musician, entertainer, peacemaker, government, writing, creator, speaking, teaching, family, warrior, comforting, a prince or a princess, a messenger, an adventurer.

animals, nature, and you can add to that list. But what are the ones that stand out to you? What are the ones that are just like, ooh, ah, that just lights you up? Like for me, speaking and teaching light me up, family lights me up, warrior lights me up, adventurer lights me up. Those are the ones that just like, ooh, ah, I like that, that feels good, right? And a leader.

So identify the ones that really light you up and then try to narrow it down to like, if you had to just pick one, if you had to just pick one, what would it be? Which one really resonates with you? And again, I'm just giving you different points of attack. There are different methods that I've gathered and created along the way. Like things like, okay, how do I get into my voice? How do I get into finding my voice, creating my voice, and living with more meaning in my life? And so then,

You kind of take those and again, all of this just kind of to spark your mindset and just get some ideas flowing and start seeing what really resonates with you and speaks to your soul or your heart or your mind. So now you have your assets listed out, you have your opportunities, you've written about your lifestyle and please do this. Don't just listen to this and then go on. Like you get results because of actions. Listening.

is kind of a passive action. I'm glad you're listening, glad you're here, this is awesome. I hope you'll share this with people that you know need to hear it. I think everyone needs to find their voice and live with more meaning and purpose. But if all you do is listen to this and then you go on with your day, you're doing yourself a huge disservice. Sit down and write these things out. Put in the effort, it won't take you that long, put in the effort to write out all your assets, write out all your opportunities, write down your lifestyle pieces, describe the lifestyle you want, look over this list of

Rachel Denning (30:39.245)
different personalities, so to speak, or different opportunities or different roles and identify the ones you really like. And then here's where you start to put it together. You identify what you're really passionate about and see if there's choose a dominant one. Then identify the skills, talents, gifts, knowledge, interests, advantages that you have and see if there's one that really stands out.

Or you just grab that one, like, ooh yeah, right? That's just like, you'd pick one like, oh, I get so fired up about this topic. And I'm actually really good, or wanna be really good at this thing, and see how they can fit together, right? And then identify who you want to help, and what you want to help them accomplish. That is huge right there, I hope you write that down if you're taking notes. You have to identify who you want to help.

and what you want to help them accomplish. Now many of you, like you might be, it might be your children. Like my children, I wanna focus on my children for now and I wanna help them accomplish these things. Get really clear about that. And then say, what are you passionate about? What are skills and talents and abilities do you have or do you need to develop? What's your voice in that thing? Some of you might wanna change a community or build an audience or some of you might wanna change the world. But you have to get clear about those things. And then it, then it,

You can put it into a statement right that really says look my my purpose my voice in life is to use my you know X Y Z skill talent ability knowledge whatever that is. So my voice my purpose my passion my mission is to use that driven by my passion for.

whatever your passion is, right? If something just lights you up, gets so excited about it, to help people blank. Help them what, right? And so you can literally formulate this sentence, and like, wow, this is fantastic, right? You start building this and putting it together. Some of you are just so passionate about growing healthy food for others, right? So your passion,

Rachel Denning (33:04.109)
for healthy food and your skill set of raising, you know, my friend, my good friend raises natural fed meats, right? And other, you know, organic gardens or whatever, that's one of them. So your skill with plants and animals, your passion for healthy food to help people live better, right? Live healthier, live longer. There's your thing. Or your passion for...

teaching, right? And, and, no, your, your skill of teaching with your passion for self -love, for education, for...

Innovation for making things better, for solving problems. I had a new coaching client I met with and he's just, he is so passionate about solving problems. He loves, like literally loves seeing how he can take something and make it better. He loves that. That's his passion. He has a skillset. He puts those together and then who can he help and what does he help them accomplish? So there it is, my friends. It's really powerful. It's like finding your purpose, finding your voice.

Cultivating it, creating it, making it happen, right? Bringing it to life. It's not gonna happen for you. It's not gonna happen automatically. It's not gonna be easy. But you bring it to life and then like Victor Frenkel was telling us, we can live with so much more meaning. Instead of having this existential vacuum, we have a voice and we can share it with the world. So do this work. Do the mental work first.

and then get to work and forge this stuff, like make it happen, bring it to life, to live more purposely, more meaningfully, more awesomely, because awesome is always an option, my friends. Reach upward.