Aug. 6, 2026
How Do I Give My Child What They Need Without Giving Them Everything They Want? Finding the Balance Between Gentle and Strict Parenting to Maintain Healthy Boundaries
Many parents believe more rules create better behavior. In reality, too many unnecessary rules often create more conflict, resentment, and power struggles.
The goal isn't to control your children—it's to help them become self-governing adults who understand responsibility, think for themselves, and naturally develop high personal standards.
When parents provide clear boundaries, loving leadership, and meaningful explanations, children develop confidence, security, and lasting respect.
👉 Want help building a peaceful family culture without constant power struggles?
📥 How We Raised 7 Well-Adjusted Kids — Without Yelling, Tantrums, Punishments or Power Struggleshttps://welladjusted.extraordinaryfamilylife.com
Key Takeaways
âś… Learn the difference between your child's real needs and their wants.
✅ Discover why children need loving authority—not permissiveness or control.
âś… Understand how fewer rules can actually create better behavior.
âś… Create healthy boundaries that build freedom, responsibility, and trust.
âś… Teach children to think instead of simply obey.
âś… See why connection always makes correction more effective.
Memorable Quotes
đź—Ł "Children need authority figures they can trust."
🗣 "Respect is earned—and we earn it."
đź—Ł "Your boundaries should never become battles."
đź—Ł "Privileges should always follow responsibility."
🗣 "Teach your children how to think—not simply how to obey."
Recommended Next Episodes
• Things We NEVER Do as Parents Raising Emotionally Resilient Kids
• Helping Kids Develop and Use Their Agency to Make Good Choices
• The Parenting Shift That Changes Everything
Chapters
00:00 Welcome Back & Family Update
05:45 Becoming Grandparents & Why We're Restarting the Podcast
10:20 How Do You Meet Your Child's Needs While Maintaining Boundaries?
18:15 Needs vs. Wants: Parents Often Confuse the Two
27:40 The Biggest Parenting Mistake: Too Many Rules
37:35 Why Bedtime Doesn't Need to Be a Battle
47:10 Building Healthy Boundaries Without Constant Conflict
58:12 Respect Is Earned, Not Demanded
1:09:25 Physical Restraint vs. Harsh Punishment
1:19:40 Teaching Kids to Think Instead of Simply Obeying
1:29:10 Why Saying "Yes If..." Changes Everything
1:39:45 Coaching Families Through Strongholds
Resources
📥 How We Raised 7 Well-Adjusted Kids — Without Yelling, Tantrums, Punishments or Power Struggleshttps://welladjusted.extraordinaryfamilylife.com
🎓 Prepare: Extraordinary Parent Mentoring Methodhttps://parenting.extraordinaryfamilylife.com/prepare
đź“š Greg's Recommended Reading List for Parents & Youthhttps://courses.extraordinaryfamilylife.com/courses/greg-denning-booklist
Follow Us
Instagram:@worldschoolfamily@greg.denning
0:00
Children need authority figures, they need someone to look up to, they need someone they can trust in.
Respect is earned, and so we earn it, and so they respect us and we respect them as human beings.
How do I meet my child's needs and give them what they want while still maintaining healthy boundaries?
0:18
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life Podcast, where your hosts Greg and Rachel Denning back after a long break and super, super stoked to be back.
So we have this very strange, awkward setup here.
0:36
I have to talk about it because it's weird because our daughter is on a road trip and she took our other camera.
So we decided rather than postponing starting the podcast another week, we would just go ahead and start now, even though it's a little awkward here on camera, but.
0:52
That's it's a fun update because the the older kids are three older ones and two of their friends decided to take a road trip across southern Portugal, all the way across southern Spain, hit some cool stuff, hit Sevilla and Cordova and Barcelona where they saw the Sagrada Familia.
1:09
And then they did.
Southern France went up all through the Alps, which they loved.
They were just thrilled.
I don't think they need the whole road trip.
No, I do because it's so cool.
But because somebody asked me everything, like, they reached out and they're like, hey, why, why?
Why do you live in Portugal?
Like, what do you love about being over there?
1:26
And I was like, well, our older kids just jumped in the car and drove across.
Now they're in.
Spain, France, Switzerland, they went through Switzerland and then they just did Germany.
It's like, how?
How cool is that?
Yeah, we wanted to access to easy travel.
1:43
I mean, it, it does put us super close to be able to drive to those places and then they'll just fly back because they're dropping off the car.
But.
It's inexpensive, they're having these epic adventures, they're they're setting up hammocks and it's so cool.
So, so it's, I guess this is part, this is part of our extraordinary family life too, and part of our lifestyle now that our kids are older and we're going to answer parenting questions today.
2:05
And a lot of them are like for parents who are just barely getting started.
But we always want to look forward to the end result because that's what you and I did as parents, we're always looking like, what are kids going to be like as an adults?
What are their relationships with each other, their relationships with us?
And I'm like, to me like, this is this is it.
2:22
And we have absolute trust in their capabilities to make good decisions, to handle any challenges or obstacles to figure things out.
I mean, they just went across all these countries and they'll just figure it out and they'll do cool, cool stuff and they'll challenge obstacles.
2:37
They were just sleeping outside last night and, and Thunder struck at 3:00 AM and then downpour and they all jumped in the car and thought, well, let's start driving.
So they drove, they started driving at 3.
So they were in Munster first saying good morning, like let's go.
2:54
So fun, fun stuff.
So Speaking of updates though, because it has been so long and here we are rambling on already, there are we are going to answer parenting questions today because since we last published a podcast, which was, I don't know, more than six months ago, maybe nine months ago, we became grandparents.
3:14
Our oldest daughter had her first baby.
So we are now grandparents and she specifically has asked us parenting questions, obviously.
And so she sent us a bunch of parenting questions and she's like, why don't you just podcast again so you can answer my questions and then I can listen to them because she lives in the US.
3:32
She did actually.
I went and stayed with her for a month or two and she came and stayed with us for two months with the baby.
So we got to spend a lot of time with him, you know, early on, but now?
Still miss him every day.
And they're in the US So that is one of the reasons why we are starting our podcast again is because we want to answer her specific questions.
3:52
And our 19 year old was doing some nannying or out pair stuff with four little kids.
And so she had lots of parenting questions like, hey, what about this situation?
What about our situation?
What did you guys do?
What do you wish you'd done differently?
So it brought up all these fun, great, interesting, powerful scenarios and parenting questions.
4:10
So we want to share.
Yeah, Now I do also, of course, want to mention the obvious potential elephant in the room.
If you've already been following me on Instagram or in my sub stack or our coaching, like you already know the whole experience I've had with the Epstein files and all of the kind of stuff that came from that.
4:32
Well, eventually this is my desire intention.
I don't know if it's Greg's.
I will be talking about that sharing some of my experiences, my my journey, my conversion, my coming to Christ.
But starting out, we wanted to get back into the podcasting with just the basics of talking about parenting.
4:51
So that's where we're starting.
And eventually we might get to the other stuff.
But if not, I'm talking about it on sub SEC anyways.
So OK, you ready?
I'll just read the first one, right?
So she sent us a bunch of questions, I would say probably 20 or 30 questions, and we're literally just going to go through them one by one.
5:10
This will obviously end up being multiple podcast sessions, not just this one.
So we'll probably go through two or three of them today.
And as we do go through them, we want, we know that this is a podcast and you're listening to us talk, but we do want it to be interactive as much as possible.
5:30
So please send us your questions.
If we say something and you're like, wait, how does that work with this scenario or with that?
Like we want to hear from you.
So you can e-mail us support@extraordinaryfamilylife.com.
You can send us a message on Instagram.
5:45
I'm of course at World School family and you're Greg dot Denning.
So reach out to us in those places because we do want to hear like I, I really believe that the most, the the more specific a scenario, the easier it is for us to give specific advice as opposed to generalized advice for generalized scenarios.
6:05
So.
I would, I would also say this because a lot of these questions, they might sound like, and they will be specific to ages and stages, but there's going to be principles in there that are applicable throughout childhood.
6:21
Yes.
So I, I don't want you to check out because everybody listening has kids at different ages and stages.
And so we might be talking about something that happens with with toddlers or young kids and, and you might have olders and you think this doesn't apply.
It absolutely applies.
6:37
It's amazing how much it can apply to all the.
Ages it's just a little variant at different stages, but it's the same.
What's the wording?
Maybe it's the same common thread the whole time yeah.
From birth until adulthood, it's this thread that's weaving through the whole fabric of of who they're becoming.
6:58
And I just, it's the same thing, just applied a little bit differently at each stage.
So, so stick with us.
If a specific question maybe you think isn't relevant to you, I'm going to try to make it relevant wherever your kids are AT.
And there's something else I want to add that I feel is so important.
7:15
And I I wish I could say this in some sort of summary every time I give advice.
And that's essentially that there are always levels to the advice we're giving, Like if I give you one piece of advice by default, even though I don't say it or can't say it, that that tool, that principle only works if you have the foundational pieces underneath it.
7:41
So sometimes I'll be like this thing in this scenario and you're like, well, I tried it.
It didn't work.
Well, that's because you were missing this foundational piece.
And that's because you were missing this foundational piece.
So that's what makes it challenging to give advice is because I'm giving the advice I use based on the foundation I already have in place.
8:02
Now if we were to sit down and you and and talk through things, I'd be like, maybe there's a scenario where this advice didn't work.
Now that I know your story, I realize that's because your bite, your baby cried it out when they were young.
8:18
Therefore they have attachment issues.
Therefore that strategy doesn't work as well because what they're missing is attachment.
So the solution here then before that will work, is building attachment with your child so that you have the foundation in order for this to work.
8:36
This, that is true in every piece of advice we give, Like no matter what it is, there's going to be those foundational levels that if they're missing, it's not going to work.
And so sometimes, yeah, it's not going to work as well.
Sometimes you have to then like go back to the foundational pieces.
8:55
And I would love to, maybe we need to do this at some point.
We kind of have in some of our coaching of like giving each level a number and then saying this is a level 1 strategy, right?
This is a level 2.
And if you don't have level 1, this isn't going to work as well, that type of thing.
9:11
So, but I want you to keep that in your mind as we go through and answer questions because I'm giving one piece, but I'm I have to leave out the others because otherwise every answer would be three hours long.
And that's why.
That's why coaching is so powerful because especially if it's one-on-one or for coaching couples, then we can we can get very specific.
9:32
So we can say, well, what about this?
What's happening here?
We're.
Asking, we're getting input.
We're seeing, you know, what has happened in the past, but that's also true in in our group coaching that we do on on Wednesdays with our with our it's mostly moms.
There's some dads there too, mostly moms since parenting again, it's live, we're asking questions, there's this interaction.
9:53
And so we can we you ask us a question, we can ask you some questions to get more clarity.
And I'm like OK, now here are the the puzzle pieces that has to be put together for this.
Here's what's missing.
Hey there, this is Greg Denning.
We want to reach as many people as possible and help as many families as possible with these conversations.
10:12
And we want to keep this podcast ad free forever.
You can help us do that by subscribing on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen your favorite platform and on YouTube and leave a quick review and share your favorite episodes with friends and family.
It makes a big difference.
10:29
Thank you for being a part of this very important movement.
OK, here's the first question.
How do I meet my child's needs and give them what they want while still maintaining healthy boundaries?
How do I find the balance between being strict or being gentle and being too strict?
10:47
Example, I was at a three-year old's birthday party and the birthday boy wanted to show us his new room.
Instead, he took us to the master bedroom because he liked that room better and his parents had chosen to move into the smaller room.
How should situations like that be handled?
11:04
Now I want to start out first thing with defining some words here.
So it says how do I meet my child's needs and give them what they want.
I have literally had people message me saying you said we need to meet our child's needs.
My child says they need 3 hours of video games per day.
11:23
How does this work?
Like, how do I meet their needs right when they tell me this is what they need?
But a need?
A child's needs are not what they say they need.
A child's needs are the basics.
If you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, it's things like they need food, they need shelter, they need safety, they need security, they need attachment.
11:41
Those are the needs.
Of and connection and affirmation.
And they need growth and development.
They need significance.
Yeah, they need to be occupied and good things.
They need good food.
They need just lots of sleep.
They need to get outside.
11:57
Those are the things we're talking about.
Like core needs it, and we can talk about that more, but it's the core needs that make for a happy, healthy individual.
Right.
And sometimes what a child needs and what they want are going to be in conflict.
12:13
So when we're talking about their needs, it's not, it's not the things they say they need, it's the things that you as a parent and an authority figure, which is what you should be.
This is one of the foundational pieces I'm talking about.
This is like level 1.
You need to be an authority figure in their life.
If you're not, if you see yourself as some sort of equal or some sort of like they're on the same level as you, unfortunately, parenting doesn't work as well because children need authority figures.
12:39
They need someone to look up to.
They need someone they can trust in.
So you have to be an authority figure in their life if you want to have an effective, safe, healthy relationship with them.
So that's one of their needs, so.
And they will confuse their wants with needs.
12:55
Absolutely it will.
And so as a parent, the parent's role is to discern clearly.
What the needs?
Are what's a need.
Exactly.
And then give that.
Make sure they give them their needs, which sometimes will be what they want.
Sometimes what they want and what they need are the same.
If they're hungry, they need food and they want food, and so you should give them food.
13:14
Food is not something you should like withhold or manipulate or whatever because.
Because you're on a schedule or your family eats three times a day at a very specific time, it's.
Like exactly.
When have you ever had a group of human beings that are all hungry at the exact same time and all need the same?
13:30
So if a child is tradition, so this is one of the things, if a child is hungry and they want food, that is also their need.
They need food and they may need it at a different time than you think they should have it.
So you should give them food.
13:45
Now they might want Oreos instead of something healthy.
So then that's another case.
Just because they want the Oreos or the whatever unhealthy food doesn't mean they need it or you should give it to them.
So this is where you have to discern between their wants and their actual needs and then giving them what they want slash really need, but not giving them what they want but shouldn't have, right?
14:14
Like I, I won't give my kids Oreos because they're just not healthy.
So I give them healthy foods and I let them eat those healthy foods.
Whenever they want.
Almost pretty much whenever they want we've.
Allowed our kids to just be in control of their own bodies and, and have access to certain things They don't have free access to everything right, but they have free Open Access to many things so they can listen to their bodies and choose because you just take that one in for a minute.
14:42
You got a kid going from zero to 25 and, and they'll hit growth spurts or they're in in sports, athletics, or.
Say projects.
Some are more active than others.
Brain work, yeah.
It's like the demands on their body are going to be so different all the time as their body's changing and they're not walking around with some monitor, like displaying what's happening in their body every time and what their caloric needs are.
15:07
They need to know that and have access.
And parents were just constantly restricting that I think are limiting nourishment to the body.
But what we're not saying here is that kids get to eat emotionally and can devour whatever, whenever.
15:23
And then you have an obesity problem because they need to overeat, for example.
That's that's not what.
We're saying and and I think it's we're we're so when we are talking about these types of things, we're talking about food.
We want you to take this as an example of how to of something you can apply in other areas of the life.
15:42
The food is a good concrete example of how these principles work.
But we're not just talking about food when we're talking about the food.
We're talking about how to discern between needs, actual needs and wants, and then how to maintain healthy boundaries.
15:58
Because again, here, the food isn't a good example.
They need and they want food, but they might want the food that's not good for them or that's not healthy.
That's where the healthy boundaries come in.
But do you see the difference in the boundaries here?
And this is one of the things where I think parents make their lives much harder than it needs to be because they have boundaries around the wrong things and no boundaries around the right things, or vice versa.
16:24
Like they set up all these boundaries that make their lives harder while then having no boundaries about things that they should actually have boundaries about.
So one of them is like we talked about, you should as much as you can remove boundaries around when kids can eat because that helps improve their behavior.
16:44
It helps them teach about teach, helps them learn how to understand their own bodies, to pay attention to their own bodies, to listen.
And so when they're like, oh, I'm hungry, let them have food.
Like there's that boundary should be removed.
They should get food, but there should be a boundary in place as far as what is available for them to eat.
17:05
And one of the simplest ways to do that that we've done is we just don't buy it.
We don't buy anything that we're not OK with them eating.
And then if we buy something that's for a special meal or whatever, we say don't eat this because I'm using it for a meal.
It has a purpose.
It has a purpose.
17:20
So this is an example of how we do that.
And, and this is one of the challenges of being a parent.
We are the ones that are responsible of doing the extra brain work, extra discerning to figure out is this a want or a need?
17:37
Is this, should this have a boundary or no boundary?
And, and, and it's difficult for us to always, I don't, I don't know how to help mom see this because I, I can observe it, but I don't know how to help them know when they're doing it, when they're putting up boundaries that shouldn't be there and when they have no boundaries on things that they should have boundaries for, right?
18:02
This is one of the things where now I'm going to, I'm going to talk about that.
This is where you need the guidance of the Spirit.
This is when you need God's help like you need him to help you say, yeah, that shouldn't be a boundary or that should be a boundary, right?
So especially as we're giving you these tools, you're like, OK, Greg and Rachel talked about this.
18:21
How do I know how to apply it in my life?
We'll ask for God's guidance.
I think that's the simplest way.
The simplest answer is for to ask, ask him to help.
You know, where do I need to use this tool?
Where do I have too many boundaries and where do I have not enough boundaries?
And again, this isn't just about food.
18:38
The other example that was given.
Let's do sleep because.
Well, let's or let's just do this one that they talked about the three-year old with the bedroom, right?
Well, that's an extreme case.
I wouldn't.
I wouldn't.
Okay, it's an extreme that there's a principle behind it.
Let me share the thing on sleep real quick.
A lot of a lot of moms are like strict bedtime.
18:58
My kids will be in bed at this time every night, let's say 8:00 PM again, you stop and think you're like, wait, what's the likelihood even if you have one kid, but you most of you have two or three or four, What's the likelihood your kids are all tired at 8:00 PM Like none, none, right?
19:14
One will be tired of seven need one in bed and 1:00 will be going till 9 like none.
So we set these boundaries and then the kids, the kids fight it.
Of course.
You're like, hey, it's 8:00 PM and they're like, I'm not tired and it's still totally light outside because it's summertime and and you're like, I'm holding my boundary because I want to be a good parent.
19:31
You're like, no, you, you are operating in parental self sabotage like that is.
That's a terrible boundary.
That's one example of where of how parents make their lives harder than it needs to be by having these arbitrary rules.
Now on the other side, we're not saying that children should have no restrictions at all about when they go to sleep, so.
19:52
The boundary is kids need good quality sleep and lots of it and they need hours before midnight so that there's the boundary yes, we're going to go to bed Yes, we're going to have a wonderful bedtime routine so they actually enjoy going to bed and.
20:10
There, there's that you shared a hilarious real word.
They got this guy in a chair and he's about to go over a Bungie.
And you know, the caption was something like your your toddler at bedtime's like no, no.
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.
And it's like I need a drink, I need to tell you something.
I have a question.
And and they just they don't want to go to sleep.
20:28
They they want to stay out there.
They feel like they're going to get serious FOMO as soon as they close their eyes.
They just want to be with you and, and you help them go to sleep.
But sometimes they really, truly, they need time with you truly, because for whatever reason, there's this fear of do I have access to my parents when I really need it?
20:48
And yes.
And so sometimes with your kids and teens, you will stay up and you will talk because they need to know they have access to you.
Well, that's even true right now with our nine year old.
She's our youngest and in her mind, like bedtime is her alone time with mom and dad.
21:07
And so she is just like talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.
Right now, it can be easy for us as parents to think I'm tired, I want to go to bed, I don't want to listen to you talk.
And so we dismiss them.
We push them away.
We get in arguments, we we force them to bed.
21:25
This is one of the things where you have to distinguish between needs and wants.
Yes, they need and they want to talk to you and when you allow for that and you, you make space for that, that fills their bucket of needs and actually produces better behavior, better sleep.
21:44
Like you get more of the things you want because you're making space for this need and want that they have now.
I also get it that you know, you don't want to now be up till 11 talking to her, so I've started.
Her moms will hear this and be like oh OK husband, we're not going to have sex now for who knows how many months or.
22:02
Years our daughter.
I'm going to meet my kids needs, right?
That's not it either.
Yeah, so.
But what I started to do is to pay attention.
Like I noticed this pattern, OK, she's talking to us before bed.
So now I'm like, I need to plan for that and I'm going to make space and be like, OK, now we're going to start this bedtime routine earlier so we have time for the talking before you go to the bed.
22:22
Or like even the other night when we were going to Make Love, I said, OK, I'm reading you 2 chapters and then you have to go straight to bed.
No, no, none of the long talking, right?
And she agreed to that.
She.
Stoked.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Great.
I get, I get reading time.
Fantastic.
I agree.
Get hugs and then to bed.
22:38
Yeah.
And it works.
So, but that's that's being proactive and meeting the need and holding a healthy boundary.
So because we brought it up, what is what's the approach that we have done for bedtime and that's generally been, we haven't had a set bedtime like a specific hard and fast rule because we had all these children.
22:58
And seven kids, we never had a set bedtime.
Yeah.
Because they would all be.
And early on, OK, I wouldn't say never early on.
I tried to do that because I thought I'm busy.
We had four kids under the age of four.
And I was like, by the time evenings are comes around, I want lone quiet time.
23:15
Like I, I need them to be in bed.
But then I got into this trying to do the bed.
Well, I tried to do the, yeah, you can say your part, but I tried to do the bedtime.
And then it was like every night, it was a battle trying to get the kids to bed every single night.
23:31
And you finally said, let's stop the madness.
Let's not do that.
When they get tired, then they go to bed easy.
Then they like, it's so much easier when they go to when, when they're tired, then when we're trying to force them into this routine so they then go to bed even though they're not tired.
23:52
And I then I paid attention to it and like, yeah, you're right.
So we started to pay attention to the signs.
And this is another key.
So first we paid attention to the signs of when they started to look like they were tired, then we acted on it, right?
Because if you wait and then you have an overtired child, now you're in trouble.
24:09
So you act on it when you see the sign, right?
So I'll be doing my thing.
And then we're like, there's the sign you're tired almost immediately.
I would be like, OK, let's go.
And I would take them.
And two, I would make it a pleasant experience.
If you want bedtimes to be easy, make it positive, don't make it a negative.
24:26
This is true for everything, right?
We're not talking about battles, we're talking about boundaries.
Yes, and your boundaries should not be battles.
If they are, you're doing it wrong.
Right, Yeah.
So it should be a positive thing.
Now, if if you have a routine that works and the child likes it, great, keep doing it.
24:47
But if you have a routine that you are fighting them on, drop some of those things.
It shouldn't be a battle and it's especially should not be a battle right before bedtime.
They need to have, because here's part of the key to good sleep for a child.
25:03
They need to feel like before bed, they actually connected with their parents and they feel safe and secure and loved.
And if you're yelling, fighting, screaming, trying to get them to do this and that in the bath and the other things, but you're not creating that positive feel good environment.
25:20
So no wonder they don't want to go to bed because they feel afraid.
They're like my parents hate me and now I have to go to.
Sleep and then they hate their parents and there's resentful and there's like, oh great, the sun's setting.
Here we go again.
Here's another one just came up that we hear about moms who absolutely mandatory bathe their kids every night.
25:37
That's not needed not I don't the helpful and it turns into a big battle.
So that is a perfect example of making your life way harder than it needs to be because somewhere in your head you got this rule Mike.
Every single child takes a shower bath every single night.
25:54
Like if you study even Physiology, it's not healthy.
And so now.
For your skin and your hair.
And stuff.
So you're creating this, this unnecessary battle.
It doesn't have to happen.
Right.
So that's one of the things where we talk about needs and wants you as a parent.
26:11
And this happens in a lot of areas.
I'm not just talking about this.
Like we get this idea of things that must be a need in our family, and then we make it a requirement, but then it just becomes a battle.
Yeah.
Exactly.
And then we wonder why parenting is so hard.
This is OK, that's so good.
26:28
Let let me let me mention this.
Let me point this out.
This is one of the approaches that I took to parenting that just works.
Anytime anything became a battle I re evaluated it like crazy and I thought do I actually need to do this thing now?
26:46
If I didn't I just dropped it or I would readjust it to make it work somewhere else and in an easier way.
If it was really something I wanted to hold a boundary on then I would do that, but but I reduced.
Did not make it a battle.
27:02
Well, yes, and, and sometimes there will be things that just become battles because the kids will be like, I don't want to do that.
And I'll be like, I'm sorry, this is the boundary.
But because I don't make that about everything we do what we're eating, what we're wearing, what when we're getting up, when we're going to bed, when this.
27:18
If you're making everything a battle and everything a boundary, then you don't really have boundaries.
Like that's the thing about a boundary.
It's it's a fence.
But if everything's a fence, it's not a fence anymore.
It's like a one of the things that you put the cattle through, like they have to go through this very specific, the stock, I don't know what it's called, but that's what you're creating.
27:38
It's more like you're creating this maze or this labyrinth and kids hate it, hate that a real boundary is more like a fence where there's space to run around in the middle.
And then when they get to the fence, that's when I say, no, this is the fence.
I'm sorry, you can't cross this because it is the fence.
27:56
Run around in all the space.
You have all the space to do what you want.
Here's the fence.
So, so that's a key principle that just work.
That's a foundational principle that's like level one that just works if you stop trying to I, I need to figure out what the word is for that.
28:13
Like if you stop trying to have cattle guards everywhere and instead just have free roaming space within the fence.
I, I think what happens is that we get lots and lots of rules in our heads about how things should be and what things should do.
28:28
And some of them aren't even expressed.
They're just in your head.
And I mean lots and lots.
And, and I think, I mean, some men do this, but women I think have a more of a tendency to do it.
They, they've got massive rule books in their heads.
And so they think they're creating boundaries.
28:44
They're not, they're just putting regulations, restrictions, rules.
I mean, now you become the government.
And I think part of the reason women do that, and at least from my own experience being a woman like that, being a woman, is we want greatness.
29:01
We want these ideals.
We want the idealized vision of this family life, right?
And maybe people who can look at us and they're like, we want that.
Greg and Rachel must have got it because they were so strict and so orderly.
And so, and the irony is that's not true.
29:17
In fact, we've had people come stay with us, you know, lots of families over the years.
And some of them be like, we expected you guys to be like drill sergeants, like it was going to be so strict, so orderly.
So.
And then they're like, it's not like you guys are very free and open.
29:35
And so that's, I think what people don't realize is that in order to create the thing that you want was which is this idealized vision.
It's children with super high standards.
Children that have their own high standards, you have great relationships with them.
29:54
That comes from more freedom, not less.
Fewer rules, not more, right?
But that also inherently includes very firm boundaries on the rules you do have.
So fewer rules let's go boundaries I don't even I don't even like rules so much we have some rules but fewer boundaries but are firm right and fewer standards, but they're high yes and the standards are not enforced they're.
30:24
Sometimes they are enforced.
Absolutely.
Actually, that's what I want to get into next.
Along the way you have to enforce it, but even then it, it's rare, like you said.
And it's like, no, I'm, I'm holding this since the kid, the kid might push back and resist and kids will kids will resist.
30:39
They'll try to find your fences, they'll try to push your boundaries, they'll try to knock over your, your barriers, whatever.
But they're just running and bouncing off and you're just like, and you're smiling and.
Laughing, this is.
The wall, I'm holding this boundary and they're like no help being like, it's not going anywhere.
30:56
I still love you and I'm going to sit here and and smile and be pleasant while you throw yourself against the wall until you realize I'm serious about this one.
And then I'll tell them why.
And it makes sense for them.
If I set an arbitrary boundary that makes no sense, they will.
31:12
There's this cognitive.
Especially if there's a lot of them.
Yeah, and there's like, it doesn't make sense and they hate it.
So you guys know, I, I teach this class for teenagers and, and I mentor teenagers.
So literally almost every weekday I'm meeting with teens.
31:29
And a few weeks ago I asked them, I said, how how many of you, like your parents have rules or restrictions or expectations that you don't understand, that you don't agree with and and you don't, you don't know why all of them.
And I'm like, share it and share.
And you could see it.
You could just see this resentment and bitterness come up.
31:45
It's like, yeah, my parents did this and it, it makes no sense.
And when I ask them why, there's like, don't talk back.
And Ron, it's this battle.
It's all coming from the parents.
And so if you have a rule and you can't thoroughly and clearly explain it to your kids at their level, so they get it, you got to question that rule.
32:04
Right.
And probably throw it.
Out well, and that actually ties in with what I want to talk about because I think again, as I said before, there's layers to all of this stuff and what we've talked about, including the boundaries and the freedom within the fence.
It only works if certain other things are in place.
32:22
And one of the other things that I think people have missed from our coaching, from our podcast, because I feel like we haven't talked about it as much because it's something we did when our kids were younger and established the culture and then we didn't have to do it anymore or as much.
32:37
And that is being willing to exert our parental authority.
Even we've admitted it even sometimes if that included spanking or that included physical restraint when our children were younger, we did that.
So when we're talking about this thing and we're when we're saying, oh, let them run free in this fence, This isn't the gentle parenting.
32:57
This isn't like you get to do whatever you want.
This isn't like the.
Free range kid that acts like.
The unschooled, unparented child, we're not talking about that because we did have very firm boundaries that we physically enforced when necessary, right?
33:16
Because that helps to establish the security that comes from knowing where those boundaries are.
For example, one of the things that we were very strict on early on, well, a couple of them was like things like violence, no hitting or biting, like that just was not allowed.
33:36
And if it happened, then we would very firmly either restrain them, like we would grab their hands and hold them.
Now.
Now we would always start off gentle like hey, don't do that or or we would call it barking.
So if they did something that was out of line, we would bark, which meant that's when we would raise our voice.
33:55
Now most of the time we don't raise our voice.
That's why it actually works, because now it gets their attention like whoa, why are they raising their voice?
And, and I think it's important, the majority of the time when we raise our voice, it was by choice of strategy, not because we were losing our control of our own emotions.
34:10
Not that that never happened with me, it did, but but in the intentional approach here was I'm going to intentionally raise my voice right now to let them know that what they just did was not OK.
Sometimes that would be enough.
So it'd be like we do not hit.
And then I would reassure them with my love and I'd say hitting's not OK.
34:29
If you're upset, then here's what I do.
I'd also give them an alternative.
If you're upset, here's what you can do instead.
You can come to me, you can talk to them.
You can.
And I would give them alternatives if they well, let me finish it really fast.
If they then continue to do it, then that's when we would bring in the physical restraint.
34:47
So we would literally grab their hands if they did it or even if our kids bit, I would like squeeze their cheeks.
I'd be like no biting.
We don't do that.
That's not OK.
So that's when I would bring out my mean voices.
And that was you're modeling right there.
So you're, I love this, especially a lot of the guys in my my coaching group or parents like, yes, thank you.
35:06
Like, thank you for telling me what you would say because I often don't know what to say or how to do it.
So I actually want to walk through this because I've seen parents grab their kids and they're they're quite violent and hurtful when they grab the kids.
So you might hear us say we would grab their arms to restrict them.
And you might envision us violently grabbing or squeezing or drinking.
35:26
Or Yeah.
Because I know as an early parent, a young parent there would, and I think it has part to do with still just growing up as a, as a, you know, I became a mom when in my early 20s and you're still growing up, right?
And it's this almost like this rage or this anger of like where you want to get back at them or you want to punish them or hurt them for doing that.
35:46
That is not what we're talking about because that is wrong.
We are the adults.
Even if I'm young and I'm in my 20s, I'm still the adult compared to them.
So my job is to lovingly teach them.
So if I'm pinching their cheeks, I'm not trying to hurt them or making them pay for their sins.
36:05
I'm like, no, I'm getting their attention.
This is not what we do.
We don't do it.
Physical touch with the look and the voice saying we don't do that.
Right.
It's getting their attention.
It's.
Hurting them even, even often when we are spanking.
Even if I would hurt them, I'd be like, oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you.
I just want your attention.
36:20
The the spank was never like a hard physical like this is going to hurt them.
It was a touch.
You're in trouble.
Yeah.
And they're like, what?
I'm so sorry, right.
So they weren't, They weren't they would cry or like, oh, I'd be upset, but not because the spank hurt is because they got shocked.
36:40
Spank.
Yeah.
It's like, hey, yeah, we don't do that.
Now, what I want to point out here, this principle is spot on from toddlers to teens to young adults.
And you still do that.
So maybe your kids are in the kitchen and family night and and one of them says something really rude to the sibling or you know, jumps in and mocks.
36:59
Maybe this happened recently where one of our younger ones attempted something that she was nervous about and then and she did a good job but she messed up as soon as she was done.
Man.
Older ones were on her like, hey, don't do that.
We were on them.
We were on them.
Forget it after her.
37:15
Don't you do that?
Because it was playful criticism, but we're like, hey, she was nervous to do it, she did it.
You start with praising her and saying good job, you did it.
You don't bust some.
You did a good job.
So whether and, and, and maybe there's, you know, the older siblings, they're tweens or teens and, and maybe they take a cheap shot, a punch or something or hit her slap and you're like, hey, that is absolutely unacceptable.
37:38
Now, now the key also with this is following up with love.
So again, we're doing it from a place not of anger, not of rage, not of punishment, not trying to hurt them or doing it from a place of discipline and correction because we love them.
37:54
We're.
Not trying to embarrass them, we're not trying to shame them, we're not trying to degrade them.
We're just.
Holding little line and then immediately or or soon, because sometimes immediately it's not appropriate or they're not receptive to it.
We're following up with love and we're saying, hey, I did that and said that just because I need you to know where that boundary is, but I love you and you know, we all make mistakes.
38:17
It's OK.
Just don't do that again.
It's not acceptable.
And and you've often heard us say connection and correction.
Even in situations like that where there needs a correction, we'll often go over and connect and then be like, hey buddy, that was absolutely unacceptable.
Or, and I, and I will point it out here, there are some cases where you flip it really fast, you correct quickly because it needs to be done.
38:40
And then you go back to the connection where generally, yeah, the correction, when we talk about connection before correction, that's generally if say they're squabbling and it's the normal, like they're not crossing any boundaries, but it's annoying and they're they're arguing correction, sorry, connection in that case, instead of correcting them works better because if you just go and you're like, stop arguing, stop fighting, that doesn't work.
39:02
But if you go over and you're like, hey, come here, let me give you a hug.
You guys seem to be upset.
Let's hug, let's cuddle.
We can talk it about, talk it out.
You're connecting with them and helping to fill some of those, fulfill some of those needs so that it makes the correction easier and more effective. 100%.
39:22
OK.
Should we before we end, answer this extreme example about the bedroom?
So yeah, so because I have seen it.
I don't even know.
But like it's, you know, I guess I can imagine that where the three-year old wants the bigger room and finally they're like, OK, you can have it like, and I can see it happening because often the a child becomes the tyrant in the home.
39:43
Well.
Becomes the boss.
I think especially with the gentle parenting approach and maybe even with people I've, I've seen this happen multiple times where we've seen it often in our coaching.
If parents are parented one way as a child, then they often go to the other extreme to parent their own children one way or the other, right?
40:03
And so this I, I imagine that this scenario is something like that where in the best effort of trying to be good parents, they're going to the other extreme.
And so they are giving lots of leeway to their children.
They want them to have what they didn't have.
40:19
They want them to be happy.
They want them to they want to fulfill their needs.
They think that that's what they're doing right.
And so they're they're.
Our three O wants the best room and.
This is one of those areas where you actually need to, to establish your authority as the parent, as the authority figure, as the provider, as the one who pays the bills, as the one who, you know what I'm saying?
40:48
Like, and this was something that we always did in our parenting.
We let them know like, we love you and we're grateful for you, but we pay the bills, we buy the food, we do all these things.
41:03
And therefore, because we do that, we get the master bedroom, right?
We're married, we get that room like.
You guys, we've lived in hundreds of houses, Airbnb or rentals all over the world and we go in and it was always fun.
It was always excited we get to.
41:19
It was always, often.
Kaya, Kaya, we're talking about you.
She'd be like, I was like, this is the room I'm taking.
To show up at an Airbnb like around the world, we've traveled to like 62 countries.
And inevitably Kai would be like, this is the room I want.
41:34
I'm like, this is the master bedroom.
We're getting this room because we paid for it, right?
And that was always the case.
We we were paying for it.
So we got the master bedroom.
Right, this is cool because then we we established the boundary in the standard.
So then, you know, the years keep going and it still happens today.
41:53
We go and we get to a new place.
They love exploring.
They run to every room and now they're like, oh, that's mom and dad's room.
Like they go find the coolest best spot.
That one's for mom and dad, and then they go looking for the others.
I even remember one time we we had a layover in Switzerland and our boys got the room that they thought that was the best.
42:13
Like they thought it was an amazing room at this hotel.
And I remember that we would like, we went to go get food and they're like, Mom, do you want this room?
Do you want to come look at it?
Because I hadn't seen it.
They're like, do you want to look at it?
Make sure maybe you want it.
We got the better room and I went up there and it was fun, but I was like.
It was That was cool I.
42:29
Was like, no, you guys have it.
Our room's great, right?
But I I love that how they've they've established there's this thing, but the reason why this is important, again, this is part you've got to think about it from the long term perspective.
This isn't about being mean to your kids and thinking that they're somehow below you and you get the better stuff because you're the adult.
42:51
This is about how the world works.
This is about responsibility.
We have taken on more responsibility than them.
And with responsibility also comes privilege.
You don't get the privileges without the responsibility.
This is part of the problem of this this coming generation.
43:10
They are entitled because they literally believe they deserve privileges without the responsibility.
So when you teach the principle of like, no, we're carrying the responsibility, therefore we get the privileges.
That's how it works.
43:26
That's how you prevent entitlement.
Because then they begin to think, Oh yeah, you're right.
I, I haven't earned it.
I don't deserve that because I haven't been responsible enough, right?
Yeah, there's, there's this message been going on and it's still prevalent.
It's like you deserve this, you deserve, you're going around.
43:43
We're telling everybody they deserve all that there's deserve, deserve, deserve you just just because you draw bread, you exist.
You deserve this.
And no, it doesn't.
It doesn't work.
And our kids respect us and and respect is earned.
And so we earn it.
And so they respect us and we respect them as human beings.
44:00
And we did since they were tinies.
Like I respect you as a as a being.
You're not some little thing that I can manipulate like this.
This whole thing we went off for years is people are people, no matter how small, like, OK, there's, there's respect there.
So we respect that.
They respect us.
44:16
We they love us because we love them.
Which I, I think some parents don't understand how that connects then to what we were saying of like, oh, I'm going to grab your cheeks or I'm going to spank you or I'm going to physically restrain you.
That is part of the respect piece.
44:33
Like if if someone respects you or or you just feel like you deserve respect, say I'm the mother and I'm like I deserve respect I'm going to respect you but I also expect you to respect me.
That is why I physically will restrain them if it verbally doesn't work to teach them I deserve respect.
44:53
So no you can't bite me.
I deserve your sister deserves respect.
So no, you can't hit her.
I am the enforcer of respect because you deserve it and I deserve.
I'm not going to go around biting you for no reason.
I'm not going to go around hitting you for no reason.
45:08
But I am the authority and therefore it is my job, my responsibility to, if necessary, physically enforce respect so that they recognize how seriously I am.
If I only talk about it and I say it 1000 times and nothing happens, there's no respect.
45:29
There's no respect.
And the way you enforce it is done with respect as well.
So like we were saying, it's not out of meanness, it's not of hurt.
Like we saw our other daughter was out with these moms and and she's watched these moms, they're trying to do the gentle parenting.
And so like, you stop, can you please stop you stop treating the other kids like that.
45:47
We stop breaking toys, we stop biting and kids, the kids don't listen at all.
Like nothing.
Finally, the mom and embarrassment exasperation grabs.
No, there wasn't.
There wasn't physical involvement.
It was all verbal, right?
That's why it was.
But then there was the physical one later.
46:03
Oh, I yeah, she.
Just grabbed, yanked off and and our daughter was like, Oh my gosh, like.
And then others were like, that's why we don't do physical force.
It's like, yeah, but we never did it like that.
So it's like trying, trying, trying, trying.
And then then they blow a gasket and they yank them and and and say mean things like what's wrong with you?
46:22
You're so that the other.
I don't want to make this my point here.
We respect even in the physicality of the restrainment.
So when the kids were little and they would just blow a gasket that they were just going wild, I would physically hold them, but gently.
I just created space.
46:38
I wasn't squeezing them, I was just holding them.
And so then they would kick and I would just put a leg over their legs.
This only happened a few times and they'd hold their hands and I'm holding them, so I'm creating the space and they could move and wiggle.
I wasn't squeezing them.
I wasn't insulting them like I'm right here, I love you.
46:55
As soon as you calm down, I'll let you go.
All the while speaking in a calm, calming voice and.
Saying that I love you, bud, I love you.
You're just too upset.
You're doing things you shouldn't be doing.
Calm down.
And then soon as you calm down, I'll let you go.
And they would take a breath and I'd let go and I'd honor him.
47:12
And then if they try to bite me or head butt me or scratch me or something, I'm gonna, no, you can't do that.
And I'm, I'm still good.
So I'm still respecting them.
This was probably when they were like 234.
And.
And sometimes 5.
Kimball, who's 21, he was the man of the pacey stomps.
47:30
Like he wanted to push the boundaries so hard.
And and because we respected him, we taught him to respect us.
We held the standards, he holds super high Centers for himself and we have a phenomenal relationship because we didn't.
47:45
We had a couple kids with such strong wills.
We could have gotten into a battle that now as they're adults, I know we wouldn't have no relationship.
They would left them been gone and we see it all the time.
I see so many teens and they cannot wait until they're 18 so they can run as far away from their parents as possible.
48:04
We just had a young adult here with us and that exact same thing was said.
As soon as I turn 18, I'm out and I'm never going back.
Can't stand my parents.
It's because they're trying to force control in dumb ways and maybe with strong willed kids, but you'd like, don't break them.
48:23
Learn how to navigate that and guide.
So even with the three-year old that wants rain of everything, it's like, no, you're not a tyrant.
You're not going to manipulate me.
I'm going to hold the boundaries that we've talked about in this episode in a healthy way and respect you.
48:38
I'm going to love you.
I'm going to meet your needs, not all your wants and whims.
We meet your needs so you're happy and healthy and we have a great relation.
So, but then circling back on that a little bit, well, first the one the, because one of the scenarios I heard my daughter explained was there was all of this talking nice, nice asking going on.
48:57
And then a child, well, no results.
And then a child crossed the line and then there was a lot of verbal abuse, like shaming, saying mean things, things that my daughter was like, Oh my gosh, parents shouldn't be saying things like that to their children.
49:13
So if you're gentle parenting and then somehow you think it's better just to say mean things or to yell at your kids than to do some sort of physical restraint, I don't see how that works.
It doesn't add up for me.
And and it doesn't, it doesn't work in the long run, right.
49:28
So it's better for us to just be an authority figure and and if necessary use the physical restraints with love.
That's way better than shaming our children and yelling at them and saying mean things to them and insulting.
Them.
So I guess the key is here, physically remove them, but with calmness.
49:48
Exactly.
And love, yeah.
Right.
So don't hesitate to physically intervene if the kid needs it, but do it in a way that is not insulting or harmful.
Right.
Or, or again, when I say mean, it's an intentional mean.
50:05
It's almost like a facade of meanness to get the child's attention.
It's not.
It's coming from a place of like meanness in my heart.
It's not insulting.
Rude belittling is.
Punishing.
It's not mean.
Like I'm not trying to get at him or hurt him or embarrass him.
50:21
It's like I use.
I'm using my mean voice to get your attention.
Mean may not even be the right word.
It's just it's harsh or, you know, if we're pleasant like we have, we have volume, we're loud, we laugh, we play, we're we have a very pleasant family culture and dynamic.
50:38
So if either of us are like, hey, that you cross the line, that was totally inappropriate.
Like whoa, that's and they're like, oh man, I'm so sorry.
So and then this actually was the second point I wanted to and maybe we'll end on this because we're circling back now because we talked about putting in the fence, putting in the boundaries and then allowing freedom in the in the middle.
50:59
But then, you know, if necessary, enforcing those boundaries with physical action, physical restraint, physical containment.
But then now if we go back to talking about the freedom within the fence area, this is another place where again, I just see parents making things harder for themselves than it needs to be because they're, it's like they're literally making rules out of everything.
51:26
And so I'm going to give a couple examples, but in my mind, there are just too many parents who have too many rules about things that shouldn't be rules.
And so then when they want to enforce boundaries, it's that much harder because the kids are like they're fighting you nonstop because they feel like everything is a boundary.
51:45
Every single thing they do is a boundary that you're telling them no.
So one of the approaches we've actually taken is I try to say no as little as possible.
I try to let them do as much as they can.
Now, I might make adjustments for that, right?
If they want to play with a ball and they want to kick it in the house, great.
52:02
But I might say, hey, do it over here where things aren't going to get broken or, you know, if necessary, take it outside.
But I'm, I'm not going to say stop doing that, stop kicking that, stop touching that, stop doing this, stop doing that, stop it.
And I see this all the time.
Like for the past 20 years, I've seen it.
52:20
Parents are just constantly telling their kids all the time the things they shouldn't do.
And so it's no wonder that the kid gets tired of listening to them because you're constantly telling me all the things I shouldn't do.
If you flip that around again, you think about the fence.
In the fence, you have freedom.
52:36
So if they want to do something, my brain is going to go to work to figure out how can they do it in a way that makes me OK with them doing it right?
Whether that's like, oh, you want to paint?
OK, let's set up this space right here for painting.
52:52
Please don't take it over to the white couch.
Oh, you want to play with the ball?
Here's how we do that.
Oh, you want to do this thing?
Sure, let's figure it out.
I'm in charge.
Cooking.
You want to try?
Yeah, fixing something.
I actually go to work mentally thinking how can I say yes to this?
53:08
How can I make this something they can do?
And I want to say yes to as many things as possible.
If I do that, yeah, If I do that, my kids, they love me and they love their life.
And then when I actually say no, they're like, OK, sure.
53:24
Because I don't say no that often.
So when I actually tell them, hey, don't do that, and I almost always say here's why don't do that because this could get broken.
Don't do that because it will ruin that.
Then they're like, and then they start thinking and now I don't have to micromanage them all the time because they think on their own.
53:46
Like my kids, even though they're 912 and 15, my youngest, like they think they're not like just doing stuff that's going to ruin stuff or this or that or leaving a mess.
They think through it and it's amazing to see how just in simple ways they're responsible and and accountable because they've learned how to think because I verbalize to them.
54:08
Don't do this.
Here's why You're teaching your children how to think when you do that.
Exactly.
Yep.
So as opposed to just sorry, let me finish, as opposed to like what you were talking about before with the teenagers, when they're like, my parents have all these rules that make no sense.
If you have all these rules that you never explain, they don't get it and they just think you're annoying and obnoxious.
54:30
So instead of wanting obedient kids that do it, they're told you want kids who know how to think and make good decisions.
Because then as they get older, you have fewer and fewer and fewer even boundaries because the kids have self-imposed boundaries and standards and they know how to think like I don't.
54:47
I don't have to say anything because they think through it.
It's so amazing.
And I just, I just want to say one thing, not, not that obedience is a bad thing, but I feel like obedience is more powerful when it becomes self-directed because they understand and they're.
55:02
Obeying a standard that they have not an authority figure.
Which can sound in a way counter like it sounds like we're countering what we said because we do need to be established as an authority figure and they should obey us.
But that obedience comes because of respect.
55:19
And that respect comes because we explain, you know what I'm saying?
Like it's the cycle that builds on itself.
We explain why I want them to be obedient.
And then that helps them to be more obedient.
And then it gets to where you can just ask them to do things because they're like, I know my parents don't ask me to do things unless it's for a reason or it makes sense.
55:39
Like it builds that trust that makes them want to obey because we're willing to give the reason if that makes.
Sense I thought of one example that I think we need to share because when you're saying I want to say is yes, as much as I can.
Well, kids are constantly asking for screen time, video games, entertainment, and we just have a hard stop on that.
55:57
There's there's a boundary there For me especially, I was never ever, ever on board with video games at all.
I was like, Nope, hard stop.
That is not good for the brain.
And and there's also much kickback and all all the other kids do it.
Everyone's doing it.
I'm like, no, no, we're just not doing that.
So even, you know, kids, I couldn't play video games.
56:15
I was never how can I say yes to this?
Nope, I will never say yes to that.
That was one of the we.
Just really want candy, we want soda, we want healthy things.
Nope.
I was never getting creative of how can I say yes to something that's not good for them and and for me at least my foundation there was always is this good?
56:35
Is this a need versus a want?
Well, but even that is like yes, but.
Fulfilling.
Fulfilling.
What I mean is going back to fulfilling their actual needs versus like a need they say they have versus a want.
You're right, 1% and there's there's also lots of other things that will come up there like it's not a need, it's not whatever, but I always measured it like is it good for them long term, short.
56:58
Term.
That's what I mean by a need.
Like if it's good for them long term, that's fulfilling their needs.
If long term it's not good for them, like video games, then it's not a need.
And therefore, even if they want it, we're saying no because it's just not good for them.
57:15
And then there's things like skydiving is is not a need, but man.
You'll try to figure out how to say yes to that one.
How can we go skydiving?
And we took our kids that the youngest that day we jump was 10 years old.
We went and jumped out of an airplane and as a family it was amazing.
57:31
But pick the things like if it's bad for the brain or the body or the soul, hard no, I don't care.
Like we're, we're not doing that and we'll establish that and we'll explain why.
So it's still within the fortress.
I'm trying to say yes to as many things as possible, but I'm never going to go to yes for anything that compromises mind, body and spirit.
57:53
Yes, Like that's, that's a no go.
Well, all the other kids or the kids will come over.
I'll do this like sleepovers.
We're like, Nope, not going to happen.
And there's other examples that I think will come up.
Maybe you guys have questions and you can send over the questions, But but we're very, very clear about what's allowed, what's not allowed.
58:11
And then that's always a hard no, but it's never just a no because I said so.
Like we, we don't say that.
We never said that.
I hate, I hated that girl.
I'm like, I hate that.
Don't ever say that to me.
I guess the worst thing you say give a good reason and if if it's a no, it's a no.
58:27
And sometimes I will even say, I might say no.
And they'll be like, why?
And I'll be like, I'm not sure yet.
I'm going to have to think about it and then I'll let you know.
And so it's, it's kind of like a, it's a delayed no, maybe with a possibility of a yes or a reason for the no, right.
58:47
And so then, yeah, I would, I would think about it.
And then I'd be like, OK, it's a no.
And here's why I thought about it.
I prayed about it.
You were always really good with yes after.
Or yes, but yes, and that's another thing that because when you talk about saying yes to as many things as possible, I'm glad you clarified on those things that I say that we don't say yes to ever.
59:08
I would also often say yes if or yes when.
So yes, you can do that if you've made your bed or if you've had breakfast or if you've done this, yes, you can after you finish your studies.
So again, that's another technique of making my life easier, right, rather than harder than it needs to be is so many parents.
59:31
And this is like a teeny little like change in your wording or your thinking or your approach.
That honestly makes things so much easier because I see so many parents who are constantly like, no, no, no, no, no.
And then they'll even say no, you need to do this when if you just switched your wording, you said yes.
59:50
If you do this, it's a little thing that's like.
Huge.
It's a massive difference, so start doing that.
They see you positively instead of names.
Yeah, exactly.
So just start doing that with everything.
Be like, yes, you can do this if you clean up your dishes.
1:00:05
Yes, you can do that if you apologize to your sister, if you're nice to your sister, right?
Or I'll even say that yes, you can do this activity as long as you guys are nice to each other while you're doing it.
Right.
So I make it conditional because that's another thing of teaching them, this idea of not being entitled.
1:00:26
It's recognizing responsibility, like privileges come through responsibility.
So yes, I wanna say yes to these things without making you entitled.
So I give requirements to them because it's helping them realize that they get to earn their privileges, right?
1:00:43
Yes you can have this thing at this tree I bought if you XYZ.
So I have a very specific example. 10/11/12 year old comes up and say says mom dad can I get a phone?
The answer is yes, when you're mature enough to handle it, which will probably be when you're over 16.
1:01:04
Right.
And they might say, you know, can I get on social media?
You'll have your daughter's like, your daughter comes to you, maybe she's 1314.
And she's like, can I get social media?
And you say, yes, probably when you're 17 and you're mature enough to handle it.
1:01:20
And what, all my friends.
Oh, look, why?
And then you tactfully explain the social media causes.
It's not correlated.
It is causing mental illness in girls.
And so and they say like, if they get it, it's a 16 and up.
1:01:40
And so when you say, sweetie, I love you way too much to let you have mental illness unnecessarily like or at all.
I we're not going there.
So yeah, when you're over 16, probably 1718 and you're mature enough to be like, I don't even really want it and I'm not going to get on.
1:01:57
Just consume endlessly.
So like, screams are dangerous.
You know, caffeine is dangerous.
Like we just don't do any caffeine.
So I'm never going to be like, sure, son, you can buy rock stars and all the other energy drinks out there.
1:02:13
And it's like, no, and I'm like, here here's why, buddy, that stuff will wreck your body.
And you do the homework.
Don't listen to me.
You go research it, find out, see what it does to your brain and your body and see if you want to be dependent on it and, and what it does.
And they're like, yeah, and they're wondering that stuff like, all right, let's figure out how to other things, right?
1:02:31
So again, get clear about who you want to be, how you want to live, family dynamics, family culture, family legacy, what what stays, what goes and lean into that.
And you guys, you see, you see, there's so much here.
So if you guys want coaching, we do personal individual coaching, Rachel, I lead a group together on Wednesdays.
1:02:50
I have a group for men that we meet Monday morning and Thursday morning.
And we we do all of this because we want to help.
And there's so many specifics, there's so many scenarios and kids are different, like all your kids are different and, and almost every family has a really challenging kid.
And, and so the things that work for their kids doesn't work for that one.
1:03:08
So there's so many scenarios here.
So I'm just sharing this because it helps and when we get the coaching like it's, it's rocket fuel, it's just so much power and leverage to create the transformation we want to see.
Well, it, it gives the opportunity for us to help you have discernment, like to kind of dig into their to the details.
1:03:32
There's a lot of times the the actual answers come from better understanding the details of not only what's happening right now, but the family dynamics and things that have happened in the past and how they were raised and different things like that, like.
This happened.
1:03:47
It really comes down to some of those details that helps make the difference because like in like we've said multiple times that we've said in all the coaching that we do, like we can give you tools, we can tell you strategies and things that we work.
But if you don't have the discernment from God, from the Holy Spirit, from, from, well, from those sources, then it's, it becomes really difficult to know when to use the tool you need to use, right?
1:04:12
Like we have to have that guidance and we need to know more.
You need to understand more about the bigger picture to figure out like, oh, This is why this tool isn't working right now.
It's because that so I got to go back and fix that thing and then this.
1:04:30
Will work and I like my mind is going through countless examples of when that's happened with coaching clients.
It's so cool.
Right, but it it requires a lot of.
Discernment Heaven's help and we're come up with ideas and we're strategizing it happening yesterday, facing a client facing a big problem like a big problem.
1:04:53
I was just sitting there praying because it's it's a big, big problem and and tried so many things and trying to figure things out and and then we just we're talking talking this idea.
What about this?
Right And and there are solutions that come to even the biggest, baddest problem, but it takes that kind of.
1:05:12
Sorting, yeah.
Process and the process all of that like really get into we don't, we don't have to stay.
I've I've met with families who it's a dumpster fire without an extinguisher and like so much fighting, so much chaos, so much resistance.
1:05:31
Like family life sucks.
Like the parents and the kids are literally crying every day and they all hate their life.
And and that's a scenario in our minds where it's harder than it needs to be.
1:05:46
And in sometimes we're in, I'm I would say in most cases, I hate to say that, but in most cases we're self sabotaging.
We're doing it to ourselves, but we don't know that we're doing it to ourselves.
I just thought of this analogy and I think I want to share it because I feel like it's relevant to this.
1:06:03
There's this idea or this concept that I recently came across in some of my studying, and it has to do with a stronghold.
Like there's these strongholds in our life.
Sometimes it's a good thing, but sometimes it's a bad thing.
It's like this.
Maybe it's even a generational pattern or a generational history of this thing that happens or like this just family culture patterns or behaviors that are just, it's like a stronghold of problems.
1:06:29
And I was pondering this the other day.
I was out doing chores here on our little farm and we have this pigpen area and it was watering the plants out there.
And for some reason I just had this.
I just felt compelled to wash this rock behind me and I'm like, this makes no sense.
1:06:45
Why would I wash this rock like it's a giant rock in a pig pen.
It doesn't need to be washed, but I just felt like compelled to wash it.
And so I'm spraying it off and washing it.
I'm like, this is weird.
It doesn't make sense.
And then I, there was this hole in the rock and I started spraying water up the hole.
1:07:04
And inside this hole was this giant nest of ants that had built itself in there, like in the rock and it coming out like the mud and the ants and all their eggs.
And just right there it was like the spirit said, this is like a stronghold.
1:07:21
You have to 1 not just I'm washing the rock and I'm getting dirt off of it.
Like the, the, the water's coming off, the mud's coming off the rock.
But then I had to find the hole and I had to put the hose up the hole and I had to like, just wash it all out.
1:07:39
So to me, that's the analogy of this process that we have to go through.
Like we have to have the guidance, the Holy Spirit, have discernment and like, get in the right places.
Because I might be washing over here and it's great and stuff's coming off and it's getting cleaner, but I'm not breaking down that stronghold.
1:07:57
I'm not getting out those ants with all of their problems, right?
Unless I'm, I'm, I'm like being guided and like getting it in the right spot has to get right in the right spot for to breakdown that stronghold.
So in a lot of ways, that's what the coaching or the, the, this processing is about.
1:08:16
It's like, OK, I know some strategies.
I know some things that'll work, but nothing is working for this or I'm trying it.
It's not working.
That's when you have to do that breaking of the strongholds.
And that's kind of like what you just described with your client of like, you know, you're praying, you're pondering, you're discerning, and then that's when you're finding the solutions that finally break 3 free.
1:08:41
All of that stuff.
And like we've talked about so many times, that's, that's a, we call it an upstream problem.
That's one of those things, like if you get rid of one of those things, a stronghold, everything downstream like solves itself.
Much easier.
Now you're not worrying about all the fighting and all this and the crying and the bedtimes and this, because you took that out and now it's like everything flows.
1:09:06
It's so much easier.
And so that's how, that's why it makes it, that's why we're making it harder than it needs to be because we're not doing the cleansing that needs to occur and.
Get to the cause and all the symptoms go.
Away and and, and the other analogy that I loved is because it was, it was the water, it was the living water.
1:09:24
It's like we're using the blood of Christ.
We're using the living water to get into those holes in those dark places and the rocks in this and we're breaking down those strongholds.
So yeah.
That's awesome.
OK.
Well, we got through one question.
1:09:39
Yeah.
I it'll be like this, I think most times.
So we got lots of episodes coming, which is great and we need to get this.
So any more questions, send them send them over, ask away.
We love we love to help want to help you create your own unique extraordinary family life.
OK, love you guys reach out for.
